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This stupid act, that things aren’t bad
We could never be like that.
— “Wishful Thinking” by BENEE
Ghosts didn’t need to sleep, per se. But they did have energy, and that energy could be depleted. And when their energy was depleted, ghosts did something that was basically sleeping in order to restore that energy.
Apparently, Edwin was not included in “ghosts.”
“Charles, I am perfectly fine,” Edwin said, sitting at the desk and adjusting his jacket.
“Bullshit,” Charles said, standing on the other side of the desk.
They had gotten back to London and, despite vowing to be more open with each other, had engaged in exactly zero conversations about anything that had happened in Port Townsend. And now Edwin looked like he was about to disappear into the ether from how drained he was, and Charles himself wasn’t feeling too hot. Add to that Edwin’s stiff upper lip and Charles was cranky and fuming and he was going from zero to 100 rather quickly.
Edwin frowned. “Excuse me?” he asked, looking genuinely confused.
“I said bullshit,” Charles answered.
“Charles, I do not—.”
“It’s not a discussion,” Charles said, cutting off his friend.
“Wha—.”
“I said it’s not a discussion!”
Edwin stood and rounded the desk, coming to stand in front of Charles. “You cannot just order me around,” he said, starting to feel annoyed at his friend’s rudeness.
“You’re shaking,” Charles said, as if that were proof that Edwin was in no position to argue.
Edwin clenched his trembling fists. “Because you are making me angry.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah, good.” Charles started pacing. “God, Eds, are you kidding me right now?” Edwin didn’t reply. “Okay, let’s review, yeah? You were back in Hell, and then that witch had you on her table trying to obliterate you, and you’re acting like nothing even happened! Like you’re fine with going back to how things were! Well you can’t do that, Edwin!”
“Why not?!” Edwin replied, raising his voice. “What do you want me to do, Charles?”
“I want you to acknowledge how fucked up everything has been!” Charles yelled. “I want you to realize that what happened isn’t okay! That I was chained to a fucking iron collar listening to the most important person in the world to me scream his lungs out on an…an execution table!”
Edwin’s eyes flashed and his nostrils flared. “AND I WAS THE ONE SCREAMING!” he shouted, moving into Charles’ space. “It was me on that table, crying and wishing I hadn’t gotten us all into that mess! Screaming because I was scared and tired and I thought I would never see you again! And then it was over and Niko was gone, and when we got home I just wanted everything to be normal. We survived, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Please,” Edwin finished quietly, and as he uttered his plea his knees buckled, and Charles caught him at the elbows and hauled him up.
Edwin let his body be heavy and buried his face in Charles’ chest. “Every time I close my eyes I see it,” he whispered.
“Hell?” Charles asked, his arms wrapped around Edwin and holding him upright.
Edwin shook his head. “That thing. That machine. Closing over me. And I can hear myself screaming. All I wanted was to black out but I couldn’t because what if you needed me? What if I never woke up?”
Charles held Edwin tighter and tried to keep his tears from falling.
“So I cannot sleep. I…I just cannot.”
Charles pulled back a little, meeting Edwin’s eyes. “What if I stayed with you?” Edwin cocked his head. “What if I stayed right by you? And if you have a nightmare or whatever then I’ll wake you up. I’ll be right there the whole time.”
“Charles, you don’t have to—.”
“I know I don’t. But I want to, yeah?”
Edwin stepped back and pushed his fists together. “I…I am not sure.”
Charles rested his hands on Edwin’s shoulders. “Please just try,” he said. “You’re scaring me.”
Edwin closed his eyes and sighed. He could not deny that his energy was still dangerously low. He had been hoping that it would be restored without resorting to losing consciousness, but he could deny Charles nothing. “All right,” he finally said. He let Charles guide him over to their couch.
“We can just sit for a while. You know, if that’s okay,” Charles said.
Edwin nodded, and Charles joined him on the couch. They sat silently for a few moments before Edwin spoke. “I’m sorry,” he said.
Charles turned to look at him. “For what?”
Edwin looked down and wrung his hands. “I am not…the easiest person. I am sure I make your life harder.”
“Hey,” Charles said, sharper than he meant to, and Edwin’s head snapped around to look at him. “You don’t make my life hard,” Charles said gently, putting his hand on Edwin’s knee. “Don’t ever think that. Like I said, you’re the most important person in the world to me.”
Edwin nodded.
“Do you want to try lying down?” Charles asked. “I’ll be right here,” he added when he saw Edwin tense.
Edwin shifted so his feet were in Charles’ lap and his head rested on a pillow.
Charles rested a hand on Edwin’s hip. “That’s good, mate,” he said softly. “Can I take off your shoes?” Edwin nodded again, and Charles gently removed Edwin’s shoes and placed them by the couch. “Do you want to try closing your eyes?” he asked, moving the hand that was on Edwin’s hip to his back and rubbing in soothing circles.
Edwin shook his head. “Not yet.”
“Okay,” Charles said softly, and he began to draw seemingly random patterns on Edwin’s back with his finger.
“What are you doing?” Edwin asked, laughing.
“Sending you secret messages,” Charles said with a grin. Edwin rolled his eyes good naturedly. “What does this one say?” Charles asked, then began tracing.
“C-H-A-R. Okay, you’re spelling Charles,” Edwin said. Charles hummed and moved on to the next word. “I-S. Charles is. T-H-E. Charles is the. C-O-O-L—are you writing ‘Charles is the coolest?’”
“You couldn’t even let me finish,” Charles said by way of answer, but he was laughing as he said it.
“Try a harder one,” Edwin encouraged.
“Let me think, yeah? Okay, try this.”
“3-6-0-G-A-L-L-P-U-R—360 grams all-purpose flour?” Edwin guessed.
“Mmhmm,” Charles said, moving on to the next word.
“5-G-B-A-K-I-N-G-S-O—5 grams baking soda.”
“You’re good at this,” Charles encouraged.
“3-5-0-G-C-H-O-C—Charles, is this a chocolate chip cookie recipe?” Edwin asked, and they both burst into laughter.
“Nothing gets past you, mate,” Charles said as he drew random patterns on Edwin’s back again.
Edwin adjusted his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. “That feels nice,” he said.
Charles hummed in response and continued, letting himself get lost in the movement of his hand and the feeling of Edwin’s legs getting heavy in his lap.
A few minutes later, Edwin’s body was completely relaxed and his eyes were closed, the tension gone from his face.
Charles leaned back and closed his eyes as well, falling into a doze, his arm draped over Edwin.
—----------------------
Charles woke to the quiet sound of their door opening, and there was Crystal, peering in with an unreadable expression on her face. “Crystal!” Charles said as quietly as he could. He gently moved Edwin’s feet so he could stand.
Edwin made an unhappy noise at being jostled, and Charles bent down and ran his fingers through Edwin’s hair. “Shh,” he soothed, and Edwin settled again.
Charles turned to Crystal, who slowly walked closer, afraid to disturb whatever was going on. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly. “Is he sick?”
Charles shook his head. “No,” he answered. “I mean, not really.” He took her wrist and guided her to the closet, leaving the door open a crack once they were inside so he could still see Edwin. “When a ghost’s energy is drained, they do something like sleeping to restore it. Edwin’s energy was…pretty low. Of course I had to argue with him to get him to rest, but, well…yeah,” he finished.
Crystal nodded. “How long will he be asleep?”
Charles shrugged. “Dunno, really. I’m hoping a few days.”
Crystal’s eyes flicked to Edwin. “And then?”
Charles shrugged again. “He should be all right then.”
Crystal rolled her eyes. “No, Charles, I mean and then are you going to tell him?”
“Tell him wh—.”
“If you say ‘tell him what,’ I am going to smack you. And I know you wouldn’t feel it, but I’m still going to.”
Charles’ shoulders slumped. “Is it obvious?” he asked.
“To me, yes. To him, no, because he has the emotional intelligence of a boulder. You need to tell him. If it makes you feel better, I think he feels the same way.”
“He does,” Charles said before he could stop himself. Crystal raised her eyebrows and Charles sighed. “He told me. On the staircase up from Hell. He told me he loved me and I thought he meant, like, as a friend. But he said no, he was in love with me.”
Crystal waited. “And?” she asked when nothing else was forthcoming.
“And I told him that I didn’t know if I could say it back, but that he was the most important person in the world to me and that we had forever to figure it out. Of course that almost wasn’t true, but, you know.”
If Edwin wasn’t asleep, Crystal would have screamed. “Are you fucking dense?” she asked, then continued when it seemed like Charles was about to defend himself. “He’s the most important person in the world to you but you don’t know if you can tell him you love him? Oh my God, Charles, what the actual fuck do you think you feel for someone who is, again, the most important person in the world to you?”
“I know, I know,” Charles replied. “I got scared, all right? He was covered in dirt and blood and he was crying and he just came out with it and I panicked! And that stupid doll baby head spider thing was chasing us and all I could think about was getting him somewhere safe and then we could talk about it, but I just needed him back out of Hell.” Charles choked back a sob. “You should be glad you didn’t come, Crystal. I want to throw up when I think about Edwin being there.”
And then he could no longer hold back, and Crystal pulled his head to her shoulder as he sobbed.
Eventually Charles quieted and moved back, wiping his tears away.
“Charles,” Crystal said gently, “I think you need to rest too.”
Charles shook his head. “I can’t. Not until he’s awake,” he said, jerking his head towards Edwin. “He wouldn’t even try to sleep until I said I wouldn’t leave his side.”
Crystal nodded. “Okay.” She went over to the desk and wrote something down. “This is my address,” she said, handing the piece of paper to Charles. “Well, it’s my parents’ address, but this is my phone number. Call me if you need anything.” She squeezed Charles’ arm and left, shutting the door softly behind her.
Twelve hours later, Charles was still sitting in Edwin’s desk chair, moved over so it was next to the sofa. He hadn’t moved since Crystal had left, and, he had to admit, that was one benefit of being a ghost: no stiff limbs. The office was dark, the sun having set hours before, and the moon was weak, obscured by clouds. But Charles’ eyes had adjusted, and he watched Edwin’s face intently.
Suddenly, Edwin’s eyebrows scrunched and he whimpered. “No,” he mumbled. “No, stop.”
“Shh,” Charles said, scooting his chair closer to the couch.
Edwin’s nose twitched, and he let out a quiet moan. “No, no, stop it,” he said, still asleep.
Charles took Edwin’s hand in his own. “Shh, Eds, it’s okay. It’s me; I’m here.”
“Don’t, don’t, stop it,” Edwin said, and his voice was more urgent, the mumbles becoming pleas. “No, stop,” he said, and he jerked in his sleep, arms and legs thrashing.
Charles acted on instinct, which usually served him well with Edwin, and clambered over his friend to wedge himself between Edwin and the back of the couch. It was a tight fit, but Charles managed it, pressing his chest against Edwin’s back, tucking his knees into Edwin’s, and wrapping an arm around Edwin’s waist. “Shh,” he said again, close to Edwin’s ear. “I’m here. I’ve got you.” He pressed his forehead to the space between Edwin’s shoulder blades. “We’re safe.”
At this, Edwin slowly relaxed, tension leaking from his muscles as he settled into Charles’ embrace.
Charles shut his eyes, and then he was back asleep, cocooned between Edwin and the couch.
—----------------------
Edwin groaned softly and shifted, then froze when he felt a weight behind him. “Charles?” he asked, twisting his neck to see his friend pressed up against his back.
“Hmm?” Charles answered, his nose pressed up against the back of Edwin’s neck.
“Charles, are you all right?”
Charles scrunched his nose and opened his eyes fully. It was light out again, and Charles blinked against the sun. “Eds,” he breathed, pushing himself up so one arm was on the other side of Edwin’s body and he was looking down at his friend. “You okay?”
Edwin blinked. “Yes, I believe so. Are you?”
Charles seemed to suddenly realize the position they were in. “Shit, sorry,” he said, scrambling over Edwin and onto the floor. “You were…you were having a nightmare. I…fuck, I shouldn’t have—.”
“Charles, it’s quite all right,” Edwin said, sliding to the floor as well. “Thank you.”
Charles shook his head. “No need to thank me, yeah? Just—.” He cut himself off as he looked at Edwin. Edwin looked better, more vibrant, and, Charles thought, beautiful. His hair was slightly tousled, his dark eyes soft in the morning light. And, God, that throat. Long and pale and—.
“Charles?”
“Huh?”
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
Charles grinned. “Yeah, mate, I’m mint. Crystal came to check on you,” he said, trying to change the subject.
Edwin frowned. “She did?”
Charles laughed. “Don’t be so surprised. Well, okay, she came to see both of us, but when she saw you she was really concerned. She does care about you, Edwin.”
Edwin nodded. “I know.”
“We actually, um, had kind of a long conversation.”
“Oh?” Edwin asked, looking down at the floor.
“Yeah, and she, um…fuck, I’m not good with this stuff.”
“It’s okay, Charles,” Edwin said. “I know what you’re going to say.”
Charles swallowed. “You…you do?”
Edwin nodded. “I’m happy for you,” he said, forcing a smile. “Crystal is,” he took a deep breath, “a good friend, and she’s very pretty, and—.” Charles began laughing, and Edwin frowned. “Have I said something funny?”
“No, shit, Eds, sorry, it’s just…I don’t fancy Crystal,” Charles replied.
“You don’t?” Charles shook his head. “But…you just said you had a long conversation, and—.”
“And,” Charles said, “you didn’t let me finish.” Charles cracked his knuckles nervously. “The conversation was about you.”
“Me?” Edwin asked quietly.
“Yeah,” Charles breathed. “She kind of helped me realize how stupid I was being by not telling you I love you.”
“You did tell me,” Edwin said.
Charles moved closer and shook his head. “No.”
“No?”
Charles put his hand on Edwin’s thigh. “I mean, I did tell you that I loved you, but I should have said that I’m in love with you. Because I am, Edwin. I’m so in love with you.”
“Wh…you are?”
Charles slid his hand from Edwin’s thigh to his hip and then around his back. “Yeah, Eds. I was stupid, you know…back there. I felt—feel—so much for you, and I told myself over and over that it was friendship, that it was how best friends feel about each other. And then, on those steps, I was scared that I’d lose you. That I’d say it and we wouldn’t make it out, and then I would have had to live with losing the person I loved more than anyone.” Charles sniffed, trying to keep his voice from wavering. “But saying it or not doesn’t change the way I feel. And I was stupid to be scared when you were so brave.” Charles wiped at a tear that trailed down his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
Edwin leaned forward, placing his palm on Charles’ cheek. “Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. His thumb gently wiped away a tear, and he leaned in and pressed his lips to Charles’.
As Edwin pulled away, Charles leaned in, chasing the fuzzy feeling in his limbs that happened when Edwin’s lips met his. He pressed his lips against Edwin’s again, closing his eyes and threading one hand through Edwin’s hair.
Edwin groaned, and Charles licked at Edwin’s lips, gasping when Edwin opened his mouth and he could flick his tongue inside.
“Charles,” Edwin gasped, his pupils dark with desire as he pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against Charles’.
Charles grinned. “Yeah, love?”
Edwin’s stomach swooped at the endearment. “I….Now what?”
Charles took Edwin’s hand, threading their fingers together and smiling. “Now we do what we’ve always done. With more snogging.”
Edwin bit his lip, and Charles thought he might combust. “Can we do…more than kissing?”
Charles swallowed a moan. “If you’d like that.” He traced Edwin’s cheek with his fingertip.
“I would,” Edwin said, eyes darting to the floor.
“Hey,” Charles said. “We can take it slow, yeah?”
Edwin nodded and leaned in, kissing Charles again. After all, they had forever.