Chapter Text
If anything, Mike should be glad he made it out of the MAC-Z in one piece. He should probably be more glad that Will was willing to risk his life again to find Holly and the other kids. But after watching him convulse and pass out again like he did three years ago, he isn’t so sure if he should be. And now, Will’s confession makes him even less sure.
He should be focused on bigger problems, like the fact that the gang is suiting up to travel across dimensions. But he can’t get Will’s words out of his head.
He was just my Tammy.
He’s trying to focus on Robin and the record she’s talking about, but it feels like he’s underwater. Because who even is Tammy? And when did it get so hot in the basement? Are the lights really spinning, or is he just making that up?
“Hey, uh, Robin, do you mind if I…” He nods his head towards the stairs.
“Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry,” she responds. She looks apologetic as he walks away. If the circumstances were different, he might apologize and maybe even ask for her opinion on whatever just happened upstairs. But he pushes it all down.
When he gets upstairs, he pauses. The chair Will sat in is duller now, clinging to the last light of day as the sun fades. Will’s presence echoes through the space, his words haunting Mike more and more each second.
It was never about him. It was always about me.
When you’re different, sometimes you feel like a mistake.
We used to be best friends!
Yeah, I guess I did.
Not possible.
Crazy together.
It was a seven. The demogorgon, it got me.
Mike bolts out the door of the Squawk before his mind can catch up with his body. He rips his beanie off his head, wringing it in his hands. His chest contracts, and it feels like his lungs are two seconds away from collapsing. He sinks down on the steps. What the hell? Why is this whole thing affecting him way more than anyone else? Dustin and Lucas certainly aren’t breaking down over the news.
If Will really doesn’t like girls that way, what does that mean for him?
“Hey, are you okay?”
A voice jolts him back to reality. He turns around, petrified, expecting to see Will standing in the doorway. Instead, it’s Nancy.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Mike blurts, trying to pull himself together. Nancy bites her lip, a knowing look in her eyes. She sits down next to him.
“Do you remember when you were eight, and we went on vacation to see Uncle Eric in New Jersey?”
“Yeah.” Mike looks at her, confused.
“Somehow, and this is probably thanks to Dustin or Lucas, you had just watched Jaws, and you were terrified of going in the ocean. But you couldn’t tell Mom or Dad that, because then you’d get in trouble. So when we went to the beach, and I dared you to jump off the pier, you made every possible excuse not to. I mean, you tried to tell me you were allergic to water.”
Mike chuckles softly at the memory.
“Yeah, that sounds stupid in retrospect.”
“But when I finally got you to the pier, you told me the truth. And you were scared to admit it, because you thought it would make me….think of you differently. That I would think you were even more of a wimp. But I didn’t. Because, like it or not, you’re my brother. And you know what you did next? You jumped in anyway. Even though you were scared. And there were no sharks waiting in the water. And, to be honest, I think that was probably the most fun either of us had that whole trip.”
Mike smiles half-heartedly at her, but doesn't meet her gaze.
“My point is that you can talk to me, Mike, okay? I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately. You’ve been acting weird. Well, weirder than normal. I thought it was just because of Holly, and Mom and Dad, and everything, but I don’t think it is. I don’t think you and I have been honest with each other in a long time.”
That’s one way of putting it, Mike thinks. He fiddles with his beanie some more. Nancy could ask him to be honest, but how could he if he hasn’t even been honest with himself?
“It’s just…when Will talked to us, earlier…..I wasn’t expecting it. I’m not sure any of us were. And it made me think about a lot of things. But mostly I thought about how much Will’s changed. It’s like ever since he got back from Lenora, he’s grown into a different person. He’s become bolder, stronger. But with that, he’s been getting into more danger. Like in the MAC-Z, and going into Vecna’s mind. And I’m scared for him.”
“Of course you are, Mike. He’s your best friend.”
“It’s not just that, Nance. I’m…..I’m scared that he’s gonna do something stupid, and get himself hurt, or killed, because you know how selfless he is. And Vecna, he manipulates people’s minds, preys on their worst fears. And Will said that he told us everything because he was afraid Vecna was going to use it against him. So what if Vecna showed him things, and made him believe things that weren’t true, and, if after all this is over and we somehow survive this, he’s gonna just move on thinking that they’re still true.”
“Woah, woah. Mike, I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Will told us the truth so that Vecna wouldn’t have that advantage over him.”
“Yeah, well, part of it wasn’t true, Nancy, and I know it. And I don’t wanna lose Will without him knowing, either.”
Nancy’s eyes sparkle with understanding as Mike looks at her. If anything, she looks sadder than before. God, Mike’s so pathetic. She probably knows, without him even saying anything. She knows he’s a disgusting queer. And, knowing how their dad raised them, she hates him. Even worse, she’s disappointed in him.
“If we’re being honest with each other, can I tell you something? When I was thirteen, I kissed Barb.”
Mike does a double take. His sister, Nancy Wheeler, the perfect all-American girl next door, kissed a girl? What’s more, her best friend? That’s not true. No way. Nancy’s too good to be as tarnished as Mike.
“It was for the stupid reason of practice for kissing boys. Neither of us had ever done it before. And part of me felt disgusted for doing it. But there was also part of me that thought it felt right. Despite what everyone else in town would say. And sure, I loved Steve, and I loved Jonathan. But I think that part of me loved Barb that way too. I never acted on it, because back then I was obsessed with what other people thought of me. And then Barb died, and the last time we talked I was so…..so ignorant toward her. I ignored our friendship just to seem cool, normal with some douchebags whose opinions didn’t even matter in the end.”
Tears slide softly down Nancy’s cheeks. Her voice quavers as she continues.
“You and Will, you guys have a special relationship. You can try to act like you don’t but you do. I remember the first day he came over to our house and Mom had to practically drag you two out of the basement because you wanted to stay in there all day in your own little world. You don’t act the same way around Dustin or Lucas as you do around him.”
A small warmth blooms in Mike’s chest just thinking of Will. But it quickly dissipates into the cloud of fear that surrounds him.
“But Nancy, he doesn’t need me anymore. Will doesn’t want me……not like I want him.”
Mike hangs his head so she can’t see the shame blossoming on his face. If he hasn't already given himself away, he definitely has now. His eyes burn as he fights back his tears. He clutches the beanie with a death grip, terrified to let go of one of the few stable things in front of him.
“For so long, I’ve hated myself. I’ve hated how I felt about Will. Because it’s not normal, right? It’s wrong. Everyone in town reminds me that it’s wrong. But when I’m with Will, it feels so right. Like nothing matters, because it’s just us. But I get it. As big of a nerd as I am, I still want to be accepted. Not treated like a freak. Because that’s how it’s been my whole life. So when El came along, I kinda attached onto her. I thought she was the key to being normal. I thought if I convinced myself that I loved her, then the part of me that loved Will would just go away. But it didn’t. So I tried pushing him away, but that just made things worse. And I thought we started to fix things last year, but I guess I was wrong. Because of course he doesn’t need me. Not when I just mess everything up.”
Nancy places a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Mike, look at me. Please.”
Mike raises his head, expecting to see disgust on her face. But there’s no sign of it. Her expression is full of love and care, like when he used to crawl into her bed during a thunderstorm as a kid, or when she cleaned up his scraped knees on the playground. She’s just his big sister. That’s what she’s always been.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he whispers.
“Like what?” She asks.
“Like I’m someone worth wanting.”
“Oh, Mike.”
Nancy pulls him into a hug. The tears wash over him, and, this time, he doesn't fight the tide. His fist clutches Nancy’s sweater, begging for a tangible reminder that she’s still there with him. Mike can’t remember the last time they’ve hugged, let alone like this.
“I feel so stupid,” he sobs.
“You’re not stupid. Mike, you’re one of the most caring people I know. The way you fight for your friends, it’s incredible. But no one’s expecting you to be perfect. Of course you want to fit in. But there’s so much more out there worth fighting for.”
Mike breathes slow and deep, inhaling the remnants of Nancy’s perfume. He grasps her hand and holds on tight.
“And if you want my opinion, I think Will still does need you.”
Mike looks up at her, confused. He holds his breath, daring himself to latch onto any remaining hope.
“Really?”
“Yeah. The whole time the Byers’ have been living with us, I’ve seen how different he acts around you. He’s not as talkative with the rest of the group as he is with you, not as open. At least, not until now. You really bring out the best in him, and he does the same for you. You believe in each other, even when no one else does.”
“You think so?”
“I do. But I also think that he’s never gonna know any of this if you don’t get off your sorry ass and say something. And we are kinda pressed for time here.”
Nancy nudges Mike’s arm affectionately, garnering a small smile from him.
“You gotta give yourself some credit, Mike. In a way, you hold us all together.”
Mike remembers Will’s words in the back of the van.
That’s what holds this whole party together, heart. Because without heart, we’d all fall apart.
You’re the heart.
A small vein of courage opens up in his chest. It’s small. It needs room to grow. But it’s a start, and Mike will take it. He leans his head on Nancy’s shoulder.
“Yeah, well, we’d be lost without your master planning. And impressive shooting skills.”
“Hey, you’re a good planner too. I don’t know where either of us get it from.”
“Dad,” Mike jokes, sending both siblings doubling over into fits of laughter.
“Definitely,” Nancy replies, clutching her side. “We really ought to team up one of these days. Seems like we’re always off in separate groups.”
“Yeah, we’ll make Vecna cower at the name of the Wonder Wheelers.”
Nancy cringes.
“Wonder Wheelers? We’ll workshop that.”
“What happened to giving me some credit?”
Nancy rolls her eyes.
“It’s not my fault you’re always off with Jonathan,” Mike continues. “I mean, half the time, I just think you guys are making out or something.”
“Yeah, well, that might be changing.”
“What do you mean?”
“We broke up,” Nancy admits. Mike stares at her.
“What?”
“It was under less than ideal circumstances, given we were in a room that was literally melting, but we agreed that we just don’t love each other like that anymore. We’re still friends, and it was totally mutual, but we kinda realized we’re not as compatible as we thought we were. And we had a lot of things we left unsaid that couldn’t stay unsaid.”
Mike sighs, his shoulders dropping.
“I’m not saying that’s how it always goes. It’s the same as you and Eleven. We realized we worked better as friends. Also, there’s so much of me I haven’t figured out yet. I wanna do that without feeling tied down by anything or anyone.”
“Guess we’re more alike than we thought, huh?”
“Some things do run in the family. But I guess it’s all the more reason for you to not leave things unsaid with Will. You told me at the hospital you didn’t want to have any more regrets. Don’t let this be one.”
“Thanks, Nance.”
Nancy squeezes his shoulder and stands up, brushing off her jeans.
“You ready?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.”
Nancy smiles at him, and heads back into the Squawk. Mike gazes out at the soft sunset glowing above the field. It looks like something out of one of Will’s paintings. The achy feeling in his gut at the thought of Will is slightly less painful. Maybe Nancy’s right, as hard as it is for him to admit. Maybe he does need to just jump in the water, even if he’s scared of the sharks. And he doesn’t want to have any more regrets. He’s spent too damn long letting them consume him. As he stands, he makes a final resolution. Will Byers is not going to die before Mike Wheeler tells him the truth.