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Sometimes Shane slips away from himself. He can’t help it, even when he’s having fun
around people he enjoys being with, it still happens. He slowly drifts away into some hazy space. Not quite focused, not entirely out of it.
He’s always been like it since he was a rookie, before then. It was a bit of a running joke at Montreal that he switched off sometimes. It never happened during games, Hockey gave Shane a singular steadying focus, when he was on the ice everything else disappeared.
It was after, on plane journeys or in hotel bars, where the older metros would laugh at the zoned out rookie who was ‘worn out’ from a long day of hockey. He played into it, forcing himself to slide back into focus with a ‘sorry, long day’ and a laugh. It became a known thing that Holzy drifted out sometimes. Their laughter was never actually mocking, more affectionate than anything, and so Shane didn’t mind.
It made him feel less awkward when they joked about it, it made him feel less strange. It was easier to not feel so self conscious when he felt his social battery start to hit empty, felt his focus start to slip. It didn’t bother him, sitting and just listening. It was frustrating when he was having a good time or wanted to join in and just couldn’t.
But the worst part was the eyes on him, the unwelcome questions and scrutiny that he got for being switched off, for being weird. The Metro's jokes shielded him from that.
Hayden was the first of his teammates to really ask about it, to notice the way he withdrew a little too often, the way his eyes glazed over slightly. Right from the start of their friendship his little zone outs had been met with a quiet ‘you okay?’ Or ‘you good there holz?’.
As their relationship had progressed and Hayden had become like a brother to him that had changed. Hayden didn’t ask because he knew Shane’s clipped answer of ‘yeah fine’ or ‘just tired’ was the same every time. Instead it was a gentle knock of Hayden’s knee into his, or a squeeze of the shoulder. Letting Shane know that Hayden had noticed.
He had asked about it properly once, on one of their first long road trips when they were becoming so close that they knew each other as well as they knew themselves. Shane had been two beers in -two more than normal-, quietly picking at the label of the bottle as they sat in a little booth in the corner of the bar.
“Sometimes it’s just a bit much you know.” He swallowed, not looking at Hayden, “I love the guys, but sometimes I can’t keep up, it’s easier just to listen.”
Hayden had just nodded. “That makes sense, yeah.”
That was the most they had ever spoken about it.
Hayden knew that was just how Shane was. It wasn’t often that he saw the look in his best friend's eyes and wondered if it went a bit further than just being ‘a bit much’. But he never pushed it. If Shane really needed space then he would get up and leave, removing himself from the situation.
The few times Shane had gotten so overwhelmed or so anxious that he had had to leave an event Hayden had been by his side, echoing Shane’s flimsy excuses about needing some air. In the crisp air outside the bar or the quiet of a hotel hallway Hayden would stand beside him. Never expecting anything, never demanding an explanation, just there.
Unlike his little ‘zone outs’ It didn’t happen often. Shane normally had anxiety attacks that lasted several hours, a low thrumming discomfort, racing thoughts and racing heart that dragged on and on. He could work through them, bury them, live with them. It was draining and it was horrible but he had done it his entire life. So normally they passed by noticed by others, apart from Shane's slightly withdrawn presence.
Panic attacks were a lot rarer for Shane, they didn’t often happen. He made it to his second season with the Metros before having one at a team function.
The first time Shane had had a panic attack in front of Hayden had been at some stupid gala the Metros were all attending. It wasn’t stupid, it was for charity. But Shane hated it, the suit that pinched too tight around his neck, the forced smile he stuck to his face as he answered question after question to people he didn’t know. Smile, fix your posture, eye contact, say this but never say that. Shane could barely keep up with what he was supposed to do, who he was supposed to be, and he had snapped.
The energy was humming in his body like electricity, static creeping up his spine. He wanted to crawl into a hole where no one could see him. He wanted to run, skate, anything to expend the nervous energy that buzzed in his chest, threatening to suffocate him.
Instead he excused himself politely, out into the hallway. He made a beeline for the stairs, inconspicuously loosening his tie. Fuck it felt like the couldn’t breathe. In his panic he didn’t hear the quiet footsteps behind him, Hayden’s watchful eye on his back.
He raced up the two flights to his floor. He tried desperately to ignore the thoughts that played on a loop, about how stupid he had looked, the way he stuttered as he answered that one question, the eyes that followed him as he left the hall.
By the time he reached the room his breaths were heaving even faster, heart racing in his chest. There was no fighting what was coming now, the panic had curled its tendrils around his throat, choking. He put his hand in the pocket of his suit jacket, fumbling for his room key.
He tried one pocket and then the other, then again. Fuck. He couldn’t fucking find it, why could he not fucking do something simple like-
A hand slid into view in front of him and tapped a key against the door. Shane’s breath hitched as he turned to see Hayden, smiling a hesitant smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Hayden-” Shane started, the word coming out gasping between his stuttering breaths. He didn’t want Hayden here, didn't want anyone to see him fall apart over something as simple as a few conversations with strangers. His heart raced faster.
Hayden just shook his head and pushed the door open, herding Shane through it. He didn’t touch him, much to Shane’s relief, just followed him silently through the door.
Shane came to a stop in the middle of the room, facing away from Hayden, trying desperately to force his breathing to steady. In, out, in, out. He flexed his hand open and closed at his side, feeling the stretch of muscle and tendon.
“Shane? You okay?” Hayden asked tentatively.
Shane almost wanted to scream, ‘obviously fucking not’. Hayden’s appearance made the anxiety raise hot and urgent in Shane’s chest, he had been fighting it before, pushing it down, but now he was caught off guard.
His breathing sped up, the rapid breaths turning to a wheeze in his chest. Hayden could see him right now, falling apart the seams, the picture of the perfect hockey player falling away in front of him and there was nothing Shane could do to stop it. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Shane?”
Shane’s mouth gaped open as he tried to form words. He couldn’t find them and he snapped his jaw shut. Come on Hollander get yourself together. He forced a breath in through his nose and nodded. “Fine” his voice sounded off kilter even to his own ears.
Hayden nodded in return, still hesitant “I’m not sure I believe that buddy.”
Shane shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t want anyone to see this. “I’ll be fine in a moment. Please just-“ his breath hitched again and he wished he could stop the burn of fresh tears in his eyes. “Please just leave it.”
Hayden could see him, falling apart. Shane had exposed how weak he was. Hayden was probably going to turn around and tell the team, laugh about him behind his back. Shane’s thoughts spiraled, he couldn’t breathe.
“Shane.” Hayden’s voice cut through the haze, suddenly closer. “Shane buddy can you sit down?”
Shane registered that his breaths were coming even faster now, too fast. He was swaying slightly on his feet. They made eye contact for a brief moment and Hayden grabbed his arm, moving Shane around to sit him on the bed before releasing the contact just as fast.
“You need to breathe Shane” Hayden was talking, quietly and slowly, moving to crouch beside Shane on the end of his bed.
Shane knew at that moment that Hayden wasn’t going to leave. He was hit by a surge of appreciation for his best friend that was quickly drowned by panic. He squeezed his eyes shut.
He blew a harsh breath out through his mouth and sucked in through his nose. He repeated it again and again, eyes firmly shut as he tried to fend off the onslaught of panic.
His hands were shaking as he flexed them open and closed, he wasn’t crying but he could feel the tears pooling under his eyelids. He really didn’t want to cry, not like this, in front of Hayden.
He leaned forwards over his knees to rest his forehead against his forearms. His thoughts had become a static buzz, just ringing overwhelming noise. he couldn’t fucking breathe.
Distantly he knew Hayden was still talking, but he couldn’t hear a word.
He clenched his fists tight, he could feel the nails digging into his palms now. His head was spinning and he could stop the pathetic shake of his hands. He could do this. He could-
Suddenly bile rose in his throat and he shot up from the bed. The last coherent bits of his brain found Hayden’s shoulders and shoved, pushing his best friend out of the way as he ran to the toilet. He didn't even close the door behind him as he fell to his knees and emptied the contents of his stomach. Fancy food and alcohol did not mix with panic attacks.
“Shit.” He heard Hayden’s panicked voice.
Shane took a deep breath in through his nose as he tried desperately not to gag over the toilet bowl again.
After a few moments he felt Hayden appear behind him. It was then that Shane noticed tears were slipping from his eyes.
“Shane?”
“I’m-“ he swallowed thickly, cringing at the acidic taste in his mouth. “I’m fine, Hayd.”
“You don’t look fine.”
There was a long silence, the only sound was Shane’s shaky breaths as he slowed his breathing, desperately trying to regain control. After some time Shane sucked in another breath through his nose, steading himself, and forced a gag, testing the waters. Nothing came up, there was no horrifyingly familiar roll of his stomach.
The tile was cold beneath his hands, his knees ached where he slammed into the floor, the world was pulling back into focus. He kept pulling in slow and steady breaths. Hayden was here. Hovering silently in the doorway. Shane forced himself to stop down the flicker of fear that Hayden was judging him, seeing him differently.
He stood up, bracing himself against the wall. He hated throwing up. It didn’t happen often, but if he was just panicked enough, if whatever the last meal he had eaten wasn't sitting right in his stomach, then his panic attacks could make him physically sick.
He stayed over the toilet bowl for a second, breathing deep and slow. The smell of sick tainted the air and he reached out to flush the toilet. But he could breathe. He was shaking slightly, but it no longer felt like his throat was squeezing shut, like his chest was constricting around his lungs.
“Shane?” Hayden questioned again, he was eyeing him suspiciously in a way that made Shane want to shiver.
Shane shook his head, not meeting Hayden’s eyes, “I’m fine Hayd, leave it.”
Then Shane pushed past him back to the sink, rinsing out his mouth with the cold water. In the mirror he could see he looked like shit.
“No.” There was a beat of silence as if Hayden was deciding whether or not to speak. “Not when you just had a panic attack so bad you threw up.”
Well shit. He had known that Hayden knew what was really happening, it didn’t take a genius to recognise a panic attack when it was as explosive as that one. But he had hoped they could leave it- some unspoken thing like it was when Shane got overwhelmed sometimes. Apparently this was too far.
Shane shook his head. “It wasn’t-“
“Don’t lie to me, Hollander.”
He shook his head again, turning away from Hayden. Distantly the strong tone of Hayden’s voice as he said Hollander reminded Shane of Rozanov. He stomped it down.
“I’m fine- this happens sometimes.”
“It shouldn’t.”
“Well it does.” Shane raised his voice slightly, “It has for as long as I can remember.” He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he couldn’t be angry at Hayden right now, he was trying to help.
Hayden sighed, shaking his head. “Okay. Okay fine.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hayden asked. He looked mildly uncomfortable, they didn’t really talk about feelings and stuff very often. It wasn’t really something two twenty year old hockey players did. But Shane knew if he wanted Hayden would listen.
Shane shook his head. “No, I'm going back down in a moment.” He said, turning back to face Hayden in the small bathroom.
Hayden’s eyebrows flew into his hairline, “What? You can’t do that.”
Shane turned to him, feeling a little less shaky. He raised an eyebrow. “I can and I will.”
“But-“
“Hayd. If I left every event where I had an anxiety attack then I wouldn’t go to any.”
“Yeah but your ‘anxiety attacks’ aren’t normally this bad.”
Shane reeled slightly as Hayden stated so bluntly that he knew what was behind some of Shane’s little quiet episodes. He shouldn’t have been surprised, was the one at Shane’s shoulder for most of them, providing a quiet grounding presence.
Shane decided that he might as well be honest now. “This was a panic attack. They’re different.”
“Okay” Hayden nodded, a gentle understanding in his voice. “So you don’t go back down. I can make up an excuse for you”
Shane shook his head, he didn’t know how to explain the downward spiral that would cause, sitting in the hotel room alone. Even if he could feel the tired crash of the panic attack hitting him. “It won’t help me. I’ll just feel worse if I stay here.”
Hayden sighed. There was a beat of silence as they stared at each other. “Fine, so what can I do?”
He knew Hayden was genuinely asking, so he answered. “Nothing. Just don’t treat me like I’m fucking fragile or something.” He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Cause I’m not.”
Hayden nodded, “I won’t man, I promise.”
Shane nodded, closing his eyes and taking a final deep breath. “I need a fucking drink.”
Hayden barked out a short laugh “that I can do.”
~
They did go back down, after Hayden had raided the hotel room mini bar whilst Shane brushed his teeth.
Shane got through the rest of the evening with very few words and quite a few drinks. It wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism, but it helped. Hayden stayed close by the whole evening, which also helped. People took Shane’s quiet demeanour as just one of his normal quiet days and didn’t bat an eyelid.
Shane still ducked out reasonably early, the bone dead tiredness seeping into his body. Hayden followed once again, this time with an arm slung around Shane’s shoulders. They were both more than slightly drunk.
They got back into the room and flopped into their beds. Shane was itching to reach for his noise cancelling headphones, but he could see Hayden’s obvious discomfort as he played with the corner of his bedsheet. He waited for him to speak.
“You know we gotta talk about earlier right?”
“No, we don’t actually.” Shane replied, voice flat.
Hayden closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. “That would be true if you weren’t, like, my best mate. I mean fuck dude It was scary to see you like that.”
Shane swallowed, suddenly feeling slightly guilty. He hadn’t considered that. “I don’t know what to say. You know if I get anxious sometimes, I can’t- you found that out ages ago.”
“Yeah of course man, I spend almost every day with you half the time. But I’ve never seen you like that.”
Shane nodded slowly, “I don’t normally have proper panic attacks like that, or even anxiety attacks. Most of the time when I’m-” Shane swallowed, he felt vulnerable. “Quiet, or whatever, I’m just drained.”
Hayden nodded “I know, and that’s always fine.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “But tonight you looked so out of it when you left I didn't want to leave you to it, but I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“You did, a bit.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I just didn’t want you to see. I don’t really- I hide this when it happens. It makes me look stupid.” Shane’s eyes were still fixed in his own lap.
“It doesn’t.” Hayden said quietly into the dark of the room, “but I see why you wouldn’t want people to see.”
Shane nodded. “You were bound to find out at some point. I’m sorry if it freaked you out.”
“I’m just worried about you man.”
In the dark of the room Hayden didn’t see the tear fall from the corner of his eye. He was glad.
Shane had never really had a proper best friend, before Hayden. Never had someone that had his back at every turn, even when they weren’t on the ice. But now he did.