Chapter Text
Vox fucking hated his afterlife. Not only was he near powerless now, he was forced to be in Charlie’s stupid hotel of all places. Redemption, becoming a better person, all that stupid shit he didn’t even believe in. Sure, that snake guy apparently did get redeemed somehow- but that was an exception to the rule, nothing more. He wasn’t quite sure how long he had to live in the hotel- be an errand boy, or whatever the fuck the holier-than-thou princess of Hell wanted him to be. Good, would probably be her response if Vox asked. What a meaningless word.
The worst part about all of this was that Velvette and Valentino had just handed him over to the hotel with hardly any questions asked. Sure, they were sick of him too, Vox knew that. He knew he fucked up, pissed off the only people who gave a real damn about him. And for what? For the smug asshole who he was now next door neighbours with. Fuck, Alastor. The last person Vox wanted to see, and who he’d now be seeing every. Goddamn. Day.
Well, sure, he did want to see Alastor. Just under different circumstances- life was much nicer when the smug deer was tied to a chair in his office, not grinning down at him from a balcony while Vox sipped on no doubt the shittiest beer the bartender could whip up for him. Wrong angle to be witnessing that infuriating grin.
Alastor would no doubt hold the victory over his head, just as he had held Vox’s unhealthy obsession with him over his head for the past seventy years. And it worked- Vox was still obsessed with the man. Maybe even more so.
The king of Hell didn’t feel all that kingly after the humiliation and pain he went through at the hands of the man who was now casually drinking at a bar in the same hotel he was staying at. Lucifer was pissed about the choice to bring Vox here, because he really didn’t want to see any more of the TV head after everything that went down. Being used as a battery for a huge angelic weapon really was not fun- and then there was the added layer of… Well. After Lucifer’s ex-wife had made it pretty damn clear she wanted nothing to do with him, he really had worked hard on not pining after her anymore. Which, to be fair, he had been doing a pretty good job at! But it had unfortunately lead to him pining after someone else, who was nearly as unattainable as Lilith was right now. But at least Lucifer saw him daily, and they had endless amounts of fun teasing each other- he could swear there was something there. The Radio Demon was just playing hard to get, surely… If him and Vox were something to go by, clearly fighting and bitching to each other was Alastor’s love language. And they were exes, right? It was the only thing that made sense to Lucifer, obviously they had dated, broken up, fought about it, been in a fucked up messy situationship for decades- one that seemed to be over, if the recap Lucifer had gotten about Vox nearly wiping out the entire pride ring just because of Alastor was accurate.
Yet Vox was obviously still after Alastor, so Lucifer had competition. It was fine, though, clearly Alastor broke up with him for a reason- and the man was an absolute mess, powerless too. He really had no shot.
And Alastor?
Alastor was oblivious.
Yes, he knew Vox had a crush on him decades ago, but that was obviously long gone. Sure, the whole being held captive business made it clear the man still had some meaningless feelings of lust towards Alastor, but really, who could blame him? Alastor was a catch, and he was very aware of that. A lot of people found him attractive, and he regularly used that to his advantage. Vox, for the most part, was a simple man. Like most men. Like most inferior men. Everyone was so driven by love and lust and whatever else there was- Alastor was better. Such desires held no power over him. And being so completely indifferent towards sex had always made Alastor feel everyone else was completely insane. He was the only sane one. And romance, too? Alastor supposed he could at least somewhat understand the appeal of companionship, however, once again, he was above wanting it. And what made people stupid was choosing their companion based on some arbitrary feelings they had- really, there was no point on a relationship if it wasn’t mutually beneficial.
And there was nothing anyone could offer Alastor that he didn’t already have, or couldn’t get through much easier ways than a relationship.
He knew Vox had a weird obsession towards him, one Alastor definitely did enjoy to a degree- exploiting it was a whole lot of fun. Pissing Vox off, throwing him off his game by calling him sweetheart. Hilarious.
What Alastor wasn’t aware of, though, was that Vox was still head over heels in love with him. Had been, this entire time, that crush never went away- and he didn’t want Alastor dead, like Alastor thought he did. Well, not anymore, that whole crash out with the angelic weapon aside. And not only that, the king himself was falling for him too.
All while Alastor thought he was simply pissing both of them off by existing.
And he loved pissing them off. Spending time at the hotel had become an awful lot more fun now that he wasn’t forced to be here. Now that he was free to kill everyone inside and burn the whole place down if it annoyed him enough- not that he would, of course… but Alastor had thought of it, a few times. And knowing he could made it much more fun to stay here.
A shadowy tentacle knocked over Vox’s glass, spilling the mediocre beer all over the bar counter ”Oh, how clumsy of you, Vox.” Alastor remarked, sitting down on a bar stool next to Vox. Husk shot him a glare and a grumble, looking for something to clean the counter with. ”Oh, no no, you shouldn’t be forced to clean that. Is our new guest not here to become a better person?” Alastor snapped his fingers at Husk, earning an eyeroll from the bartender. He still poured Alastor a whiskey without complaining and slid it accross the bar to the man. Vox stood up, hissing a few swears at Alastor under his breath and wandering away to find something to clean the mess up with.
”Boss, are you sure continuing to fuck with him is worth it? Frankly, I don’t understand why we even let him in here. He’s no doubt going to cause trouble that we’re gonna end up having to fix. Sometimes- and I do mean rarely, you’re a tad bit too nice. Respectfully.”
Alastor lifted an eyebrow, taking a sip of his whiskey ”Too nice? Do you forget who you’re talking to? Really- death is too quick and nice for someone like Vox, don’t you think? Besides, if he does try something, I’m perfectly capable of putting the wretch back in his place” Alastor paused, shooting a glare at Husk ”Or, do you disagree, Husker?”
Husk took perhaps a second too long to respond, but he did choose the right response ”No, of course not. I know you're on top of it.”
Alastor took another sip, watching Vox scramble back with towels. How far did he run off to to find them? Idiot.
”Fucking- stupid, it’s dripping all over the floor” Vox grumbled, wiping the counter and the sides of the counter too, then getting on all fours on the floor to wipe the floor too. Alastor hummed, placing his feet on Vox’s back as if he was a foot rest. And Vox, despite desperately wanting to strangle Alastor, just ignored him. It was fine, surely Charlie would get bored of having him around eventually too. And his friends would miss him… right? Valentino absolutely would get bored without Vox, he was certain he was better than anyone else Val was fucking. Then again, Valentino could have essentially anyone he wanted, and Vox most definitely couldn’t anymore. Well, not that he ever could get quite anyone. He glanced up at Alastor’s grinning, smug face, considering what the consequences of throwing a wet, beer covered towel at said face would be.
Well, he could always just find out.
The towel didn’t hit Alastor in the face. In fact, Alastor disappeared into a puddle of shadows before it managed to hit any part of him. A shadowy tentacle wrapped around Vox’s neck and roughly pulled him on the floor, and then threw him straight at a wall.
Husk sighed. At least he didn’t have to clean any of the aftermath of whatever those two got up to. Besides, his spirits were instantly lifted by Angel Dust sauntering over to the bar, frowning slightly as he looked at Vox, on the floor on his back, being choked by a pissed off Alastor.
”Fuck, do those two know it’s legal?” he sat down, switching his attention to his favorite bartender.
”Hell do I know what's going on with them. Never have.” Husk poured Angel a drink and handed it to him, glancing back at the brawl happening dangerously close to his bar. It was essentially a fist fight now, which was funny considering Alastor could rip Vox to pieces in seconds if he wished to. Well, if he did, Husk wasn’t the one who had to clean that up either so a small part of him wished Alastor would. Husk did believe in the hotel, but redemption be damned, he was never going to forgive Vox for what he put Angel Dust through.
”What’s legal?” Lucifer pulled himself up on the bar stool, next to Angel. The damn bar stools were way too tall, but complaining about it would be humiliating.
”Bein’ gay.” Angel remarked, downing his fancy, pink and sparkly drink ”Those two over there are borderline fuckin’ on the carpet, but I’m not sure they know they can just actually do it.”
Lucifer frowned and tilted his head looking at Alastor and Vox. The two men were swearing at each other, on the floor, bloody (How did Vox manage to draw blood?), completely oblivious that their fight was being judged. Lucifer wondered if Alastor would consider him undateable due to the whole not being able to hurt sinners thing. Maybe that was the thing- Alastor wanted to fight, and Lucifer couldn’t exactly fight him. He sighed, waving his hand at Husk ”Uh, just get me like, anything that’ll get me drunk.”
Angel grinned slightly ”Aw, are you feeling jealous, your highness? I’m sure you got a whole lot more to offer than a powerless ex-overlord. I mean, c’mon, you’re like rich and shit? Wine and dine the man. Buy him, uhhh, roses-?”
Husk snorted, rolling his eyes and handing Lucifer a drink ”Yeah, I don’t think he’s into flowers. Get him like, I dunno… Don’t they sell like, heart shaped boxes of human eyes in cannibal town? That’ll get the message through.”
Lucifer cringed, making a gagging sound ”Eugh. You’re kidding right, he’s not actually-” he paused to look at Husk’s completely blank face ”Shit. you’re serious aren’t you?” Lucifer glanced back at Alastor, who was now inspecting the few holes he got in his coat with a mildly inconvenienced look. Vox was laying motionless on the floor, mostly in one piece.
”How in the hell did you miss him being a cannibal?” Angel laughed, grabbing another drink that Husk had made him without asking ”He ain’t exactly subtle about it.”
”I thought he was joking!” Lucifer looked Alastor up and down, starting to slightly regret this ”I mean, I know all of you down here are a little nuts but that’s more than a little.” somehow the revelation wasn’t changing how Lucifer felt, though. Maybe wooing someone with such… peculiar tastes would be easier, though. Couldn’t possibly be a common occurrence that someone got Alastor human flesh as a present. Maybe he could just not think about it too hard.
”Oh, I’m hurt.” Angel remarked, earning an amused laugh from Husk ”Just for your information, your majesty, I’m rootin' for ya.” he added with a wink.
Alastor hummed as he walked past the bar, grinning at Husk ”See? Put him back in his place.” he spared a look at Lucifer too, though he seemed to mostly be judging whatever drink Lucifer was having.
Lucifer glanced at Vox, who was hissing curses while slowly pulling himself up from the floor. He absolutely was better than the stupid TV.
Vox wasn’t quite sure how he felt about his room. It was nice, almost too nice. Who designed this shit? It was exactly the colours he loved, and fuck, the wallpaper had a shark pattern on it? Not only that, but there were at least three shark plushies on his bed. Vox supposed he probably had Charlie to thank for how comfortable his room was- the princess truly was far too nice for her own good. Vox no longer had Velvette’s people fixing his clothes for him, so he would have to patch up the holes in his shirt himself. Or ask if someone in the hotel knew their way around a needle and thread better than he did- but that felt humiliating. For now he would ignore it, and change into pyjamas. At least he was allowed to pack his own clothes- having to wear some bright red tacky hotel uniform would really be the final nail in the coffin.
Really, his shark pyjamas were much better.
Would the kitchen downstairs have ingredients for hot chocolate?
Vox peeked into the hallway. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about his room being next to Alastor’s- but he hated Lucifer’s room being the next room over from Alastor’s even more. He had grown to hate the king even more, the way Lucifer looked at Alastor didn’t escape him. The fucker better keep his hands to himself. There was no way Alastor was into someone like him anyway- Lucifer seemed the type to get gifts, celebrate anniversaries, be romantic and cutesy- and obviously Alastor wasn’t into that. Alastor didn’t like being treated gently. Vox was fairly sure of that, anyway. Surely he wouldn’t have gotten himself captured by Vox if he didn’t like being tied up, zapped and pushed around?
Vox made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, frowning as his eyes landed on Alastor and Lucifer bickering over tea.
”Iced tea isn’t even real tea, Bambi.” Lucifer rolled his eyes, pouring boiling water into his mug ”Tea is supposed to be hot! What’s the point otherwise? Just buy juice.”
Alastor’s eyes narrowed as he poured himself a cup of sweet, iced tea from a pitcher ”Mmm, yes, what’s the point of flavour- just drink hot water with sugar, if you think it’s all the same.”
Vox interrupted them ”Ew, tea.” he groaned, though just to get on Alastor's and Lucifer's nerves as Vox did, on occasion, drink tea. But mostly when Velvette made it, and he was sure they didn't have anything that good here. He walked over to rummage through the kitchen cabinets.
The other two men glared at him ”Of course you have no taste, Vox.” Alastor rolled his eyes ”Yeah, do you want whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles with that, telly?” Lucifer followed.
Vox glared at Lucifer, holding a bag of cocoa powder he found from the cabinet ”I don’t think we have rainbow sprinkles down in hell. How about some crushed up angel halo instead? I know where to get that.”
Alastor took a step back and tilted his head. Well, this was a fun development- even if Lucifer was unable to genuinely beat Vox up, this could still be fun to watch. And both of the men looked so pissed, hissing swears and insults at each other over their drink choices.
Alastor sat down at the table the kitchen had- far too small to fit even half of the guests the hotel had now. He took a sip of his sweet tea, humming as he looked at the two men throwing insults at each other. As fun as bickering with both of them was, watching them bicker with each other was almost more fun. At least it saved Alastor’s clothes from any further rips. He really had to get this coat fixed.
”Oh, please, you’re all powerless now. I dare you to try.” Lucifer sipped his tea, glaring at Vox who grabbed the kettle of boiling water and poured it in the mug he had retrieved from a cabinet. ”Me? Powerless?” Vox barked out a laugh, opening some drawers to find a spoon ”You can’t even fight back. Shit, you’ve got some balls beefing with Alastor of all people, I gotta admit.” Vox scoffed, pouring some cocoa powder in his mug.
Alastor tilted his head looking at the two ”Mm, save the flattery, Vox. Angel flesh doesn’t even taste that good, so the king is quite safe around me.” he joked with a grin, sipping his sweet tea.
”Wh- No, I’m sure I taste great! Fuck you!” Lucifer huffed, placing his mug of tea down. Vox slowly turned his head from Alastor to Lucifer, with a look of complete disbelief ”Are… Are you hearing yourself right now? You don’t want to be eaten, do you?” If it turned out Lucifer had some secret fetish for being eaten, Vox was fighting a losing battle for sure.
Lucifer huffed, sounding offended ”No, that’s not- ew! Besides, if angelic weapons can barely pierce my flesh, a sinner’s teeth surely wouldn’t be able to.”
”Don’t give him a challenge, you moron!” Vox let out a laugh of disbelief, looking still mildly concerned while mixing his hot chocolate with a spoon.
Alastor cackled, shaking his head. This really was amusing- what were the two even bickering about? Maybe he could egg them on a bit.
”I do enjoy myself a bit of seafood, though. Fish is so awfully hard to come across here.” Alastor’s grin widened as he finished the rest of his tea.
Vox stared at him with concern. Lucifer stared at him with annoyance.
What a funny pair they were.
Alastor got up and placed his empty mug on the kitchen counter ”Oh, do fill the dishwasher before you go to bed, dear.” he remarked looking at Vox before leaving the room.
Vox and Lucifer stood in silence for a few minutes, heavily debating whatever lead each of them to be pining after a man like Alastor.
Lucifer frowned, his google search results for the best restaurant that catered to both cannibals and normal people didn’t really give him results. He found one cannibal restaurant that served a few salads, too, so he supposed perhaps that would be the way to go. Would saying he was allergic to human flesh make them be mindful of not letting it touch his salad? Was an allergy to human even possible? Regardless, he would have to get Alastor to agree to going out with him first- and it had been a long, long time since Lucifer asked someone out.
”What are you uhh.. what are you googling, dad?” Charlie peeked over Lucifer’s shoulder, causing her dad to nearly throw the laptop as he rushed to shut it “NOTHING! I-I mean, restaurants to uh, avoid-!” he rambled, hiding his whole laptop even though it was already shut. Charlie shook her head and sat next to Lucifer “...You know, I heard Alastor likes dancing.”
Did everyone know?
“Are you sure you don’t mind, honey? I mean- isn’t it kind of weird if I-?” Charlie interrupted him “No, I don’t mind. I just want you to be happy, dad. Besides, as much as we’re trying to redeem Vox here… I don’t think whatever him and Alastor got going on is very healthy. For either of them.” she laughed a bit, crossing her legs as she sat next to Lucifer “So if Alastor was with you instead, I’m sure that would be… good for him, too? Just don’t make any deals with him, dad.”
Lucifer laughed “Oh, come on now, do you think I’m dumb or something?”
The way Charlie stared back at him spoke more than words ever could. Lucifer scoffed and rolled his eyes “What kind of a deal could he even want to make with me anyway? Seems like Bambi's got all the power a sinner could ask for. And I’m obviously not selling him my soul. I’m not quite sure if that would even be… possible? Can I sell my soul? What are the rules for soul deals? Cause I for sure did not make them.”
Charlie groaned and gently shoved her dad “Let’s not find out.”
“Don’t drink that. Vox spiked your drink while you were gone.” Husk sounded mostly annoyed. Alastor looked at his glass of whiskey- whiskey that was undeniably pink.
He scoffed, picking the glass up and inspecting the drink in it closer “Vox might be stupid, but he knows I’m not blind. I’m sure he’s just trying to get a reaction out of me. Really something you should talk about in that group therapy thing- attention seeking behaviour.” he placed the glass down, sighing. Waste of good whiskey. “I’m sure there would be a more subtle way to try to drug me if he actually wanted to do that. Besides, this love potion stuff doesn’t even work on me- So I suppose I could just drink it anyway to mess with him. Why it doesn’t work on me, I have no idea.”
Angel Dust gasped and slammed his drink down (did he live at this bar?) “Oh it makes perfect sense! Velvette explained to me how the potion works- well, not to me, she was explaining it to Val who no doubt didn’t get it cause it wasn’t the last time I heard this explanation- that’s not the point. It apparently just takes whatever lust you have and increases it, and I guess just directs it at whoever is closest to you?”
Alastor raised an eyebrow, waiting for Angel to get to the point.
“And you- you clearly have no lust to increase - weirdo - so it just ends up doin' nothing. You absolutely should drink it though. I’m sure Vox would-” Angel paused, glancing at Lucifer who was bickering with Vox on the couch. Vox kept glancing over at them, clearly just expecting Alastor to have any kind of a reaction to the whole drink thing.
“Ohhhhh. Hear me out. I have a hilarious idea.” he leaned closer to Alastor, who looked mildly intrigued. “We call his majesty over here- Vox obviously fuckin' hates the guy. You drink this while chattin' with Lucifer, put on a show, and drag him out of the room with you. Boom, Vox loses his shit. Funny.”
Alastor leaned back and glanced at the two men on the couch. That could be quite amusing. But it meant he had to deal with Lucifer alone for at least- how long did people usually have sex for? Fuck if he knew.
“Mm. I’m not opposed to that idea. But I would like to hear what he said, after.” Angel nodded enthusiastically and Alastor waved his hand and raised his voice slightly “Lucifer? I have something to talk to you about.”
Lucifer instantly stood up (was that embarrassing?) and walked over to the bar. Vox stayed at the couch, frowning and trying to figure out what the conversation was about and whether it was about his not-quite-serious drugging attempt.
Alastor downed his drink with one sip, making sure Vox saw it. Vox’s face fell.
“Would you like to assist me in getting under Vox’s skin?”
Lucifer blinked and nodded immediately “Um, sure. I love getting under people- no, under their- uh-”
Angel snorted “Oh you might be about to get under someone if that love potion decides to work.”
“If- what?” Lucifer’s face flushed pink, even more so when Alastor grabbed his hand and started casually leading him out of the room. Vox looked like he was about to pass out or short-circuit- clearly Alastor was right and he did not expect Alastor to drink it. Well, obviously, he was all the way on the other side of the room.
Once Alastor and Lucifer were out of earshot Vox rushed to the bar counter, looking like he was freaking out “He wasn’t supposed to drink it? What the fuck?? It was obviously a different colour- how- what? Has he been colourblind this whole time and I never knew? Are deer colourblind? Is that it??”
“The fuck are you spiking people’s drinks for if you don’t want them to get drugged? Not that I’d ever spike anyone’s drink to begin with, but that seems counter-intuitive.” Husk questioned, resulting in a laugh from Angel “Oh, you wouldn’t even spike my drink? I thought we had somethin' special, whiskers.” Husk rolled his eyes “Well, at this point I might spike it with sleeping pills so you stop bothering me.”
“You two are not helping!” Vox groaned, seeming genuinely somewhat distressed about this.
“Aw, come on. I’m rootin' for ya Vox. Clearly you and Alastor got this whole… bondage sadomasochism thing goin' on, no way Lucifer could compare. He seems far too vanilla.” Angel remarked, and Vox glanced at him “...You think? I mean, yeah, obviously. He could never.” Vox seemed to be reassured enough by that and he left, though clearly still a bit peeved.
“You’re rooting for him? I thought you were rooting for Lucifer?” Husk shook his head, looking at Angel. Angel grinned and winked “I’m rootin' for all three of 'em to discover polyamory. Or for Vox and Lucifer to realize they’ve just been in love with each other this whole time! Oh, the drama.”
Alastor pushed Lucifer into his room and shut the door behind them. The room was more cozy than Lucifer had expected it to be- well, if you ignored the weird, dark, unending forest at the other side of the room.
“I, uh, listen you’re like handsome and all- But I’m big on consent, you know, and uh, if you’ve been drugged I’m not exactly- I don’t, um, want to take advantage?” Lucifer kept rambling, flustered, but obviously not exactly comfortable with the situation.
“Oh, please. I’m not trying to sleep with you. Vox doesn’t need to know that, though. Tea? I can make the hot kind, since you’re picky.” Alastor casually walked over to the kitchenette he had in his room. Fancy- Lucifer didn’t have one of those. Then again, he didn’t exactly want or need one. Clearly Alastor was passionate about… food, so it made sense for him to have a kitchen in his room. Lucifer stood up straight and cleared his throat “Right- But the uh- the spider- what’s his name again?” Alastor turned to look at Lucifer, unamused “Angel Dust?” how did this man not remember anyone’s name? Alastor turned the stove on and put a kettle of water on it.
“Yes, him! He said something about a love potion? Did that stupid TV spike your drink?” Lucifer seemed somewhat angry now thinking about it. How dare he? The hotel was supposed to be a safe place, and he was here to become a better person.
“Mm, yes. He really is seeking attention in the most pathetic way possible, don’t you think? As if there aren’t easier ways to piss me off. This was truly a poor attempt at it. But, about what you were no doubt trying to ask- the love potion has no effect on me. And Vox does not know that. But he clearly also wasn’t expecting me to drink it- Did you see the look on his face? Hilarious. He absolutely thinks I’m going to rip him apart for this.” Alastor sat down, letting out a laugh. A genuine, but somewhat sinister sounding laugh. Then again, what other kind of laugh was there when it came to Alastor?
Lucifer considered it for a bit and then sat down as well, not too close to Alastor. “Right. So, in the name of, uh, consent.” he let out a somewhat nervous laugh, trying to read the expression on Alastor’s face. But the man was completely unreadable when he wished to be. “Telly over there is going to assume we… hooked up, yes? And you wanted to do this to get under his skin? And obviously it’ll work, the man is clearly obsessed with you” Lucifer laughed “I mean, wow, he nearly destroyed the whole Pride ring because of you? He needs some professional help, desperately.”
Alastor got up to turn the stove off, digging through his cabinet to find some tea “And what fun would that be?” he asked with a sinister grin “What was your question? You keep getting off track, your majesty.” somehow the words your majesty sounded more like an insult coming from Alastor.
Lucifer got up too, walking over to the kitchenette to look at the kinds of teas Alastor had “Hah, sorry. My question was, how much can I, um, fake brag about it to him? And in general, what exactly should I… assume we did? I’m sure you have your preferences-”
Alastor cut him off, grabbing a mug and pouring hot water in it “I really don’t. Sex is a meaningless activity I care very little for- so, tell him whatever you think will piss him off most. I’m sure it will be equally funny for me regardless of what it is.” he handed the mug to Lucifer, already sounding somewhat bored with the conversation. Lucifer frowned slightly “...Right. Gotcha.” Lucifer was starting to feel like he might be somewhat wrong about what the nature of Alastor and Vox’s relationship had been. But surely nobody would crash out that badly if there wasn’t a breakup involved?
“Yeah it’s really, uh. Too many people put way too much weight on… sex. Really not that. Big of a deal. Plenty of, um, great relationships one can have without! Who needs sex, anyway?” Lucifer rambled, and Alastor looked at him like he was being an idiot. Which, he of course, was.
“Just drink your tea for… however long you think is appropriate for a “hook up” and get out of my room. Sire.” Alastor rolled his eyes and opened his fridge “I’m going to make myself some dinner.”
“Youuu got it, Bambi.” Lucifer laughed awkwardly, looking at his mug of tea that wasn’t quite done yet. He sat down to wait, wondering where the hell would be an appropriate place to put the tea bag once the tea was done? Maybe nowhere, drinking it with the bag in felt like a safe choice. Lucifer did not want to make a mess of any kind. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to get a peek at whatever Alastor was preparing for dinner. Perhaps Lucifer didn’t want to know. He did wonder what the man’s favourite food was- he did still want to take Alastor out after all. Lucifer took a sip of the tea. Could use sugar. He did not want to get up and ask for sugar, though, clearly Alastor had reached his limit of dealing with his rambling today. And he seemed very concentrated on preparing food, so best not to bother him. Lucifer sat still, awkwardly looking at Alastor who no doubt knew he was being stared at. He was focused enough on cooking to not seem to mind too much, though.
The man was so tall, slender, beautiful really. Lucifer wondered how he had looked when alive- even better, he would bet on it. Hell had a way of taking away people’s most attractive features- or at least the ones they themselves liked. Lucifer wanted to ask- but that was something even he realized would be invasive. So he finished his tea in silence, just watching Alastor work on food. After five-ish more minutes Lucifer broke the silence as he stood up “I’ll uh, return your mug? You don’t seem to have a dishwasher, so I’m bringing it downstairs.”
Alastor turned around and looked at Lucifer in silence for a bit. His gaze was piercing, making the King of Hell himself mildly uncomfortable. Alastor took a few steps towards him, grabbed Lucifer’s collar and unbuttoned the two top buttons from his shirt.
“Wh- hold on-!” Lucifer’s face flushed bright red. Alastor let go and ruffled his hair like he was a dog “Are you even trying to sell it? Please, you look way too put together and we both know if I gave enough of a fuck I would be great in bed. Unfortunately I don’t.”
Sell what-
Oh, right.
Lucifer laughed and cleared his throat “I, uh, forgot. I’ll take that as a yes- a-about the mug.”
Alastor had already gotten back to his cooking “Yes, whatever. Leave.” he waved his hand as if to dismiss a servant. Lucifer frowned slightly, but he could fight the man about it later. He exited the room, holding the mug, and only after shutting the door behind him did he stop to wonder how the empty mug would look. Well, Lucifer didn’t smoke. Post-sex cigarette, post-sex tea? He supposed it could be a thing.
The second Lucifer shut the door behind him, the door to Vox’s room opened and he stepped out. Vox looked like he was seething, it was a hilarious sight, really.
“Aw, is someone jealous? Shouldn’t go around drugging eligible bachelors if you’re gonna be a sore loser about it. But clearly sore loser is what you’re best at.” Lucifer grinned, walking past Vox. The former overlord growled and grabbed the back of Lucifer’s collar, tugging him back “You should keep your filthy angel fingers off of him. You-” Vox laughed, looking like he was at the edge of another hell-destroying mental breakdown.
Right, did they really think this through?
“You wouldn’t know how to treat him” Vox hissed, glancing at the mug in Lucifer’s hand, a brief flash of confusion crossing his face before he raised his gaze back at Lucifer’s face “Really, do you even know what his favourite food is? What music he likes? His favourite drink, his shoe size?” His shoe size? Getting awfully specific and a tad bit stalker-ish. “Because I do!” Vox huffed, crossing his arms. Lucifer frowned. What the hell was Vox picking fights with Alastor for when he clearly knew enough about the man to get him perfect gifts? Seemed like a waste.
“Well, I do know how my name sounds when he-” Lucifer was cut off by Vox punching him square in the face. He dropped the mug and fell back, and Vox lunged at him to tackle him on the floor. It didn’t really hurt- The majority of the things sinners could throw at Lucifer barely tickled. But it was mildly humiliating, especially when Lucifer noticed Alastor standing in the open doorway to his room with a wide, shit-eating grin on his face.
“My, my. You two really should be going to those group therapy sessions Charlie hosts… Learn to play nice. We can’t have this, can we?”
Alastor was smoking a cigarette, looking at the two men on the floor with a wide grin. As if he didn’t throw down with Vox just yesterday- always the hypocrite.
And Vox, begrudgingly, got off of Lucifer like a dog that had been told off. Always predictable, always pathetic, Alastor thought. It was unfortunate Lucifer couldn’t fight back- watching the two actually throw down would be awfully entertaining. But watching them be forced to hold hands in therapy would hopefully be equally as entertaining.
“Vaggi, can you please host the group therapy today? I know I’m asking for a lot, I’ll pick up some of your chores for today in return?” Charlie looked at her girlfriend with huge puppy eyes, ones she knew always worked “It’s just that it feels awfully awkward trying to host therapy with my dad involved. Especially with whatever is going on right now- And you are so much better at… staying calm and collected?” she grabbed Vaggis hands, planting several kisses on them “Pleaaaase? I promise I’ll make it up to you!”
Vaggi groaned, though with a smile on her face “Fine. I can’t promise it’ll go well, though. Therapy really isn’t my specialty.” She leaned in to give Charlie a kiss “We’ve got some new guests checking in soon so you gotta handle that instead- and I think Baxter melted a hole in the basement floor again?”
“Okay, yeah, sounds doable, I’m on it. Thanks babe!” Charlie rushed off, clearly enthusiastic to do anything but deal with whatever love triangle nonsense her father was involved in.
Vaggi entered the room for group therapy- everyone except Lucifer was present. Even Vox was sulking in a corner. Opposite to the corner that Alastor was standing in. Though he looked less like he was sulking, and more like a sleep paralysis demon one might have in the corner of their room after taking too many sleeping pills. Which wasn't far from how he usually looked- any time Vaggi heard a random scream in the hotel she simply assumed someone spotted Alastor standing silently in a corner.
“Right- where’s Lucifer? Does anyone know where Lucifer is?” She sat down, really not in the mood to go find her girlfriend’s dad- much less forcibly drag him here.
Everyone in the room just shrugged, and Vaggi groaned. Just as she was about to stand, Lucifer appeared in the doorway “Sorry I’m late! Vagatha, this place is huge. How am I supposed to know which door leads to your group therapy thingy?”
Vaggi sighed “Maybe by the sign on the door that says “Therapy”? Now, sit on the floor in the circle. And hold hands. Cause Charlie’s notes say that’s a thing we do apparently, and I’m just subbing in”
Angel took Husk’s hand, holding out his hand waiting for Lucifer to sit down next to him “I love subbing in.” he remarked, looking at Husk for a reaction. Husk just rolled his eyes, though he had a small smile on his face. Lucifer sat down and hesitantly took Angel’s hand. He was the only empty spot in the circle was next to him, and Vox was still sulking in a corner.
After 10-ish seconds of silence and an expectant stare from Vaggi, Alastor decided to wrap a tentacle around Vox’s torso and lift him up, dropping him next to Lucifer in the circle. “Hey! What the fuck, Al? I’m not holding hands with this fucking-” Vox scooted away from Lucifer and pat the floor between them “You should sit between us instead.”
Angel Dust snorted “Oh, I’m sure you two would love havin’ Alastor between you.” Husk elbowed him, just resulting in giggles from Angel. Both Vox and Lucifer shot him a glare.
Alastor hummed, walking over and sitting next to Vaggi- though not too close “No, I’m not joining in on your little therapy session. I’m simply here to…” he glanced at the notepad Charlie used, picking it up “to help with taking notes.” Alastor crossed his legs, tilting his head and grinning as he looked at Lucifer and Vox
Vaggi sighed “Uh-huh. Sure, you’re just here to be helpful- as always.” her words were dripping with sarcasm that Alastor simply ignored.
“Now, stop being childish and hold hands. Surely you’re not here to waste our gracious therapist’s time, are you? Afraid of a bit of physical contact? How pathetic.”
Lucifer and Vox glared at each other, and slowly, very begrudgingly took a hold of each other’s hands. Alastor was practically radiating glee at their discomfort, and there was a happy sounding static hum emanating from him. Slightly different frequency than the sound when Alastor was angry or annoyed- a far more common sound. This really wasn’t an ideal environment for therapy- but Vaggi didn’t exactly care. She just wanted to get this done and cross the chore off of her list.
The therapy appointment was mostly uneventful, until they got to Lucifer’s turn in the circle. Sure, Angel Dust and Husk had some light-hearted bickering about something- as they always did. But Vaggi knew that was a good sign, if they weren’t making fun of each other, something was wrong.
“And how’s your week been?” Vaggi asked Lucifer, really having dreaded this “I have some… notes from Charlie about things I should be discussing with you and Vox, if-” he tugged the notepad out of Alastor’s hand. Alastor, of course, hadn’t written down a single thing “-I can find them.” Vaggi flipped through the notepad “…Okay, there we are. You two need to cut it out.”
Lucifer let out an awkward laugh “Cut what out? I’ve, uh, I’ve been doing nothing cut worthy?”
“I’d be happy to cut you” Vox growled. If there was a way to hold someone’s hand angrily, Vox was a champion at it. “I’d like to see you try, you flat-faced, shark-obsessed-”
“THIS!” Vaggi raised her voice and groaned, rubbing her forehead with her hand “You two are absolutely infuriating- I mean, I thought Alastor’s beef with the two of you was bad, but you’re- hold on what was it that Charlie wrote” Vaggi glanced at the notepad, flipping to the next page “You’re really making the whole environment here hostile. Everyone’s uncomfortable. Right?” she sounded pissed, and everyone sitting in the circle instantly nodded as a response. Whether they actually thought that or just wanted to keep the ex-exorcist happy was debatable, though.
“Well, he drugged the bellhop!” Lucifer huffed out.
“And he had sex with Alastor and has been bragging about it non-stop all day!” Vox growled in response.
“Actually, we had tea.” Alastor interjected, looking entirely too pleased with himself.
Vaggi groaned, covering her face with her hands, muttering swears in spanish to herself.
“Tea?” Vox frowned “Is this some kind- am I missing something?” he glanced at Angel Dust with a questioning look, and Angel threw his hands up, fake offended “Oh, yea, ask your resident whore which sex act havin’ tea could be!”
Alastor let out a cackle, tilting his head the other way “No, honey, tea. Your poor quality love potions don’t have an effect on me.”
Vaggi stood up and shook her head “Yeah, no. I think we’re done. You two have got to start behaving- no, you three.” She turned to glare at Alastor. Alastor met her gaze, and the two seemed to have a stare-off for a bit. Vaggi pointed at Alastor and poked his chest with her finger. Alastor briefly glanced down at her hand but decided to tolerate it. “You keep egging them on and you have to stop if you want to stay. We all know you’re not here to be redeemed, so if you’re only going to cause trouble, you’re welcome to leave.”
“Oh, I haven’t started any of the conflicts we’ve had, dear. Are you saying I should just, what’s the saying, turn the other cheek?”
“I don’t care what you do, as long as Niffty doesn’t have to keep scrubbing that asshole’s blood off the lobby carpet” Vaggi gestured at Vox, and Vox frowned. “If you need to beat him up, do it behind closed doors in your room or something so the guests don’t have to catch the “hostile vibes” it creates or, whatever.”
Angel snorted again but didn’t say anything.
Alastor glanced at him and then back at Vaggi “Mm. Perhaps. But they really should learn to be nicer to me if I’m going to be nice in return.”
Vaggi sighed “They really should.”
Vox and Lucifer were still glaring at each other like they wanted to rip each other’s throats out. Vaggi was heavily regretting taking this job off of Charlie’s hands.