Work Text:
Shane doesn't want to do this.
No part of him wants to get out of his car, walk to Hayden's front door, and have this conversation. But he has to - because it’s the right thing to do, because Hayden is his friend, because he’s tired of hiding.
(And also because Ilya is making him).
Shane looks at his phone once more.
Lily
Good luck
Shane wouldn’t let Ilya come with him, plus he’s busy enjoying the last days of the cottage before going back to real life. After extending his stay through the summer, Ilya somehow, somehow convinced Shane to come out to Hayden. Something about “you not proud of your boyfriend?” that, despite being said in a joking tone, ate at Shane’s conscience.
Shane opens the message.
Jane
Thanks. I’ll need it.
Lily
No you don’t
You do fine. I reward you after
Shane lets out an involuntary snort. Ilya could always break his anxious thoughts, even for a minute. Shane glances up at the house in front of him and reality sets back in.
Jane
I don’t know, I’m freaking out
Within seconds of sending the last message, Shane’s phone begins ringing.
“Hey.” Shane doesn’t realize how hoarse his voice has gone until he attempts to speak. He clears his throat.
“Hey,” Ilya’s voice comes out soft on the other line, “is okay. Promise. What are you so worried about, you think Hayden will kick you out?”
“No, obviously I don’t-” Shane takes a deep breath. He realizes that he’s shaking.
“Shane,” Ilya’s voice is still soft, but more serious, “Hayden is your friend for a long time, yes?”
Shane nods. “Yeah, he has been.”
There is a moment of silence, and then Ilya replies. “Hayden will not judge you. And if he does, I can kill him.”
Shane laughs fully this time. “He’s got kids, Ilya.”
“So, they have mother.”
Shane rolls his eyes, unable to hide his smile at the man on the other line. The man he is doing this for. The man he loves.
“Okay, okay”, he says, “I can do this. I’m going to do this.”
“Yes. And I reward you after.”
Shane chuckles. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“No, no, Hollander, I hold you to that, remember?”
“Shut up,” Shane says through a smile, but even then, he feels the slightest tightening of something between his legs.
“Okay,” Ilya says, “go come out to your strange friend. I love you.”
Shane’s heart flips. He and Ilya have said those words likely dozens of times now, whispered in heated moments between pants and on soft mornings in each other’s arms. But he is still not used to the way it makes his entire being glitch, and he doesn’t know if he ever will be.
“I love you,” he replies in an almost whisper, “I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“Okay, bye-bye,” Ilya says. Shane hangs up the phone.
Shane glances up Hayden’s driveway once more, and before he can stall any longer, opens his car door.
*********
“Hollander! Heads up!”
A can of ginger ale flies out of Hayden’s hand toward Shane, who is seated on the couch. Shane catches it, but he knows that he is too nervous to attempt to drink it. He finds himself wishing it was a beer.
“Thanks,” Shane says, “I can’t believe Jackie still gets these.”
“It’s a staple, even though they don’t get drank if you’re not here,” Hayden responds, sitting on the recliner adjacent to Shane. “It’s been, what, how long since you’ve come over dude?”
“Like half a year at least,” Shane says. His leg is bouncing uncontrollably. There is a second of silence, apart from the game playing on the TV, and he knows he needs to fill it. “How is everyone?”
“Shit, man, the same way they were last time you saw them.” Despite Hayden saying this, he delves into catch-up mode, listing all the major events in his family’s life that have happened since the last time they saw each other.
Shane attempts to listen, he really does. He nods and says “ohhh” at the appropriate times, he looks at Hayden when he can. But his jaw is clenched. His mind is racing in a million different directions.
How is he going to do this? How is he going to sit here and tell one of his closest friends, and teammates, of nearly ten years that he’s gay? And not only gay, in a relationship. With Ilya Rosanov.
Of course, Ilya had reassured him that he didn’t need to tell Hayden about their relationship, that Shane would feel better even just opening up about his sexuality. But Shane knew that that wasn’t enough - his relationship with Ilya was so deeply intertwined with his identity, and if he was going to tell Hayden the truth, it needed to be the entire truth.
“Helloooo, earth to Shane,” Hayden’s voice cuts through his thoughts. Shane had been zoning off.
“Fuck, sorry.” Shane shifts uncomfortably on the couch and looks at Hayden. Hayden’s eyebrows are raised in a confused expression. “I’m, uh,” Shane takes a deep breath “sorry. What were you saying?”
“Just Jackie’s stupid brother, I…. Are you okay dude?”
Shane’s least favorite question. He swears he can feel his nerves shoot throughout his entire body. He rubs a hand through his hair anxiously.
“Yeah, yeah, I mean,” Shane audibly exhales, “God. Sorry.” He closes his eyes and digs his fingernails into his palms to ground himself. “I think, I mean…There’s something I want to talk to you about, I guess.”
Shane can only bring himself to glance at Hayden’s expression, which shows only confusion and concern. Hayden’s your friend, Shane reminds himself.
“What’s up?” Hayden’s voice isn’t scary, but familiar, just a friend who Shane has had a million conversations with. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” Shane lets out a stifled laugh.
“Dude, stop fucking apologizing and talk to me,” Hayden laughs along with him.
“Okay,” Shane takes one more deep breath. There is no going back now.
“So, you’ve asked me before about like, relationships or whatever. Exes. And you know that I dated Rose, I guess.” Shane steals another glance at Hayden’s expression, which still looks entirely confused. “Um, so I… Jesus, this is hard.”
Hayden isn’t catching on, at all. “What’s hard?”
Shane feels like he is about to implode.
“Um, I just feel like you should know that, I mean, I just wanted to tell you that I’m, uh…I’m gay.” Shane breaks his stare at the rug below him to look up at Hayden, whose expression has not changed. Shane begins rambling.
“I just wanted to like, tell you I guess, since you’re my friend, and I told my parents recently. And uh, I guess I really don’t want anyone else to know yet, but this is just a step for me or whatever, and I…shit. I’m sorry if this is weird.”
There’s a short moment of silence.
“It isn’t weird, Shane. I mean…” Hayden trails off a bit.
“What?”
“I kind of, guessed? I mean, not in like a bad way. You just never brought girls around.”
Shane doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully, Hayden continues on. “I know you dated Rose or whatever, but you just never seemed that into her. And when I asked about stuff you just always got kind of…weird I guess? Sorry. Of course it doesn’t matter, dude. I’m glad you told me.” Hayden seems comfortable, and Shane feels a weight lift off of his chest.
However, as much as he doesn’t want to, he also feels a twinge of shame in knowing that Hayden had considered this fact beforehand. He nods.
“Thanks,” he says, looking at Hayden earnestly. “I…” he sighs. He realizes he had been holding his breath for the last minute. “Do…do other guys on the team think I am?”
Hayden lets out a dry laugh. “No, not that I’ve heard anyone talk about. I don’t think most of the guys really pay any attention.” Shane swallows hard, and Hayden can sense the nerves exuding from him. “I won’t like, tell any of them, okay? Not unless you want me to, when you’re ready.”
A feeling of lightness washes over Shane. Hayden was his friend, his true friend, who not only did not judge him for who he was, but also was willing to help ease the rest of their teammates into it.
“Thank you, Hayden,” Shane says warmly, giving him a tight smile.
“Anytime, man,” Hayden smiles back at him. “You were literally about to shit yourself dude.”
“Fuck off,” Shane laughs, tossing the pillow beside him at Hayden. “This is hard, I’ve only done it like twice!”
Hayden laughs with him, but Shane knows that this isn’t the end of their difficult conversation. Hayden stops laughing abruptly, and his eyebrows furrow.
“Wait. Lily.”
Oh, God. This is the part that Shane had been dreading the most.
“What?” Shane replies instantly, his instincts telling him to play dumb anytime that name is brought up.
“The girl you texted for years, her name was Lily right?”
“Oh. Uh, yeah. I mean, um, except Lily’s not a girl.” Shane’s throat tightens.
“Well, yeah, duh, I guess that’s true,” Hayden replies, “but like, do you still talk to…him?” Shane can’t help but notice the way that Hayden shifts his voice when he says him.
For a moment, Shane thinks about lying. He could simply tell Hayden no, that he hasn’t talked to ‘Lily’ recently, and this conversation could end. They could keep watching the game, and maybe one day, once things got settled, Hayden could find out about Ilya.
But that isn’t why he came here.
“Um…yeah. Yeah I do. We’re…” Shane takes yet another deep breath. “We’re actually a couple. Now.”
“What?!” Hayden’s voice is almost elated. “Dude, Jackie is going to be so pumped.” Hayden looks at Shane and must read the nervousness written all over his face. “If that’s okay, I mean. I don’t need to tell Jackie. But just know that, like, we’d all love to meet him.”
Shane rubs the sweat off his hands onto his knees. “Well, um, that’s the other thing.” Shane can’t find the next words, so instead he audibly groans, throwing his head into his hands.
Hayden is confused again. “What?”
“You’ve…” Shane looks up at Hayden, “you’ve already met him.”
Hayden looks up, as if he’s thinking hard, and then back at Shane with an even more confused look. “Dude. Is it Scott Hunter?”
Shane snorts. “Fuck no!” The two of them laugh. “Just because he’s the only other gay guy you can think of doesn’t mean it’s him!”
“Thank God,” Hayden says. “Then who?”
Shane sighs deeply. Once Hayden knows this, things could change forever.
“Uh…” Shane’s voice trails off for a moment. “It’s Rosanov. Ilya.” He can’t bring himself to watch Hayden’s face as he takes the information in. There is a moment of dead silence, and then another. Hayden says nothing.
“Uh, Hayden?” Shane says, he looks up at Hayden who is wearing a blank, bewildered look. He looks as though his mind is racing. “Did you…hear me?”
Hayden’s eyes snap up to meet Shane’s. “You’re fucking with me, right?”
Shane can’t help but to let out a chuckle. “No, Hayden, I’m not. I’m not fucking with you.”
“Rosanov. Like, Boston, Rosanov is your…?”
“Boyfriend, yeah.” Shane gives a thin smile.
“Rosanov is LILY?” Hayden’s voice raises drastically at the last part, and Shane laughs at his bafflement. As embarrassing as this could be, it was also entertaining to an extent to watch Hayden take this all in.
“Yeah. Yeah. Ilya is Lily.”
“Oh my god, Hollander, that means that you’ve blown off our plans for Rosanov how many times?”
“Oh come on, not that many,” Shane rolls his eyes. This easy banter was exactly what he had needed, what he hoped for - not deep, prying questions. Thankfully, Hayden knew that.
After a few more minutes of conversation, with Shane expertly avoiding any overtly intrusive questions, he excuses himself to the restroom.
He pulls out his phone.
Lily
How it go?
Jane
It went good. I’ll tell you more later. Hayden wants us all to get dinner sometime.
Lily
I knew it. I am always right ;)
After a moment, another text comes through:
Lily
And would love dinner. Glad I do not have to kill him
Jane
Me too. Hard to clean up.
Lily
Come back now so I can give you reward
Shane smiles down at his phone. He can’t wait to be back at the cottage with Ilya. He looks at himself in the mirror.
“One down, a million to go,” he says to himself. But as he walks back into the living room, he feels his chest swell with a type of confidence that he has never had before.