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After a disastrous Fourth of July shift, Robby does not go on the sabbatical he never planned, but the roof of a building.
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He digs in harder, hears Jack grunt. "It's always gonna be one foot off the edge."
"I'm used to it."
"Jack -"
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" he asks gently. Jack's fingers trace along his neck, blood rushing beneath the skin, carotid and jugular framed. His thumbs trace the hyoid firmly, almost too firmly; Robby swallows. "You want me to marry you, Michael Robinavitch? I'll fucking marry you. You want me to let you whore around? Sure. You want me to move to day shift? Go to fucking Shabbat? Buy you a dress? Buy me a dress? Convert? Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want."
That's the problem. To want is to anticipate. To want is to believe there will be a later. To want is to deserve. He wants to die. Or, less distinct, gauzy, gossamer, he wants to cease existing. Become hollowed out and blank. What kind of person thinks that deserves such devotion?
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What a punch in the gut.
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" he asks gently. Jack's fingers trace along his neck, blood rushing beneath the skin, carotid and jugular framed. His thumbs trace the hyoid firmly, almost too firmly; Robby swallows. "You want me to marry you, Michael Robinavitch? I'll fucking marry you. You want me to let you whore around? Sure. You want me to move to day shift? Go to fucking Shabbat? Buy you a dress? Buy me a dress? Convert? Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want."
That's the problem. To want is to anticipate. To want is to believe there will be a later. To want is to deserve. He wants to die. Or, less distinct, gauzy, gossamer, he wants to cease existing. Become hollowed out and blank. What kind of person thinks that deserves such devotion?
In the thin glow from the edges of Jack's curtains, he can only just make out the gleam of his eyes, the confidence on his face arresting. There is a dark pit that bears Robby's name. It always calls to him, has since his father killed his mother when he was fifteen, has since he wandered through the streets of Kicukiro a prodigy doctor who could not stop government nor genocide, has since he first proposed and she said he was just too much. And the black pitch of it didn't need horrific things to sustain. It built itself out of his doubts and his fears and every mistake he made and if he could pour light into that chasm, if he just made the right call, knew the right procedure, elevated enough young doctors to clear his ledger, he'd be cured. He sent hundreds of patients - thousands - to psych, to voluntary commitment, to medication and CBT and every time he built them up another inch of tar crept over his skin. Anyone who sees him, anyone who knows him, takes a step into that maelstrom.
He realizes, for the first time, that Jack is waist-deep with him. They're shackled together, and that stubborn asshole won't swim.
"Don't leave me alone," he says, small, pathetic, a whimper of a plea.
Jack settles on Robby's chest, forearms framing the clavicle. His hands haven't moved. It takes seven pounds of pressure to break the hyoid. Less, in older, ossified bones. He is older, ossified.
Leaning in, heavy on the ribs, Jack kisses Robby, wet but delicate. "Never. You're in the marrow, Robinavitch."
Robby clenches his hands, and they're slippery; he's dug enough to cut, to draw blood. With the weight of Jack atop him, twined around him, his chest expands and he can take a full breath.
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YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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Jack rocks back on his feet, running his hand over his mouth before returning it to his pocket. The tension in his arm pulls the jacket taut, the flexor ulnaris stark. "Yeah, math. The height of the building you'd need, far enough away an ambo doesn't try to take you to the Pitt but close enough you can see it, the wind tunnel that might increase air friction if the buildings are too close together."
Robby's distracted from his distraction, and he's unsteady even sitting down. "Really?"
"No, you luddite. We've been sharing each other's location since cell phones became a thing. I followed your little fucking dot from the hospital."