Work Text:
“Oh fuck, Shane!”
Shane’s mind went blank for a second.
Did he really say that?
“Ilya.”
He had said it mechanically, because it was the answer that was expected in this situation, because, surely, it was what Ilya wanted to hear.
Shane kissed him again, without thinking. He couldn't think anyway, his brain was going too fast. Ilya’s lips were following his, reaching for a kiss, but Shane turned away.
His vision was blurry, his ears were ringing, a fog was covering his mind. The feeling of Ilya’s skin against him was suddenly overwhelming.
This is too much.
He pulled up his pants, grabbed his shirt, got up and put as much space as he could between him and Ilya.
“I should- I should- uh…” He couldn't even put three words together. He didn't even know what to say, all he knew was that he couldn't breathe properly. He needed to get out.
“I should go. I shouldn't…”
“Go?”
Shane looked at Ilya for the first time since he said his name. He was frowning. Shane wasn't sure what emotions he was seeing on his face, but the urge to flee only grew stronger.
“I should… Stay- I can't. Team meeting in the morning, I forgot. So…”
He was struggling to get the words out, he didn't know if anything he said was making sense.
“Ok. You forgot team meeting?”
Ilya wasn't buying it. Of course not, why would he? But it didn't matter. Shane just needed to end the conversation and get out.
“Thank you for the tuna melt,” he said, nodding at the plates on the table. “I’m sorry. This… I can't.”
“Hollander.”
There it was. His name. How things should be. But too late.
“I just… I can't. I can't do this.”
“Hollander”
No. Too late.
He knew what Ilya was trying to do, but it was too late to change things.
“I’m sorry.”
Shane couldn’t say anything more, and he left. He grabbed his jacket and almost ran to his car. Even there, he was barely able to breathe properly, and when the pressure finally left his body, he cried.
—
Ilya was still sitting on his couch, where everything had just taken place. Trying to understand.
Since Shane had arrived the previous day, Ilya had been testing the limits of their relationship. For a while now, he had wanted it to be more than just sex, but wasn't sure if Shane wanted the same things he did. So when he had accepted to stay the night, Ilya was overjoyed. But he couldn't show it, not too much, to not scare Shane away.
Obviously he had failed at that part. Of all things, he never thought saying his first name would be the one to make him run away.
He was clenching his fists, his nails digging in his skin.
Idiot. You ruined everything.
He wanted to go back in time, when everything was still fine, when it was just sex. He would be fine with going back to just that, as long as he had Shane.
The sudden thought of losing Shane scared him.
Wait. Please, don't go.
His breath was fast and shaky. He pulled his knees against his chest, curling up into a ball. He was feeling miserable. This was the first time he had ever felt that way over someone. But Shane wasn't just a hook-up anymore, he hadn't been in a long time.
Ilya lied down, staring at the ceiling. A couple years ago, he would have thought about going to a club and finding some hot girl to fill the void. But the type of void he was feeling, it was a new one. One that wouldn't be filled so easily. Even Svetlana wouldn't be enough, he had tried before, but it was Shane he truly wanted. He couldn't let him go.
—
Shane didn't know how he was able to function the rest of that day. They had a game that afternoon, but he was barely able to focus. He thought the match would help him think about something else, but the fog in his head hadn't yet dissipated. He was feeling too much, too many things at the same time, but nothing he was able to identify. What was he even feeling?
The game ended up being a disaster, and Shane left as soon as he could. Even on the other side of the rink, Ilya was too close.
That night, Shane couldn't sleep. He tried focusing on Hayden's peaceful breath on the bed next to his, but he couldn't get his brain to stop working. He had spent the day repressing his feelings, trying to think about anything but what had happened in the morning, but now that there was nothing to distract him, everything was coming back at once
He got out of his bed and grabbed his jacket before leaving the hotel room. It was the middle of the night and the air was colder than he expected. He sat outside for a while, focusing on the breeze on his skin, finally allowing himself to truly feel everything he had been pushing down.
But as his feelings were submerging him once again, the only thing he could think of was how badly he wanted to see Ilya.
After Ilya had asked him to stay, Shane thought their relationship might move to the next stage. He had been waiting so long for this. He wanted to be able to call him “Ilya”, and, more importantly, he wanted to hear him say “Shane”. So what had happened? Why did he freak out? Everything was going so well.
Was it really?
Shane looked up at the starless sky, allowing the cold air to hit his face. Was it really going that well? Ilya had asked him to stay, cuddled with him in bed, made him food, giving Shane hope that their relationship would evolve. And yet, that hope had been ripped away from him every single time.
When Ilya asked him to stay, he added “I'm not done with you”, because he just wanted more sex. After cuddling and making him tuna melt in the morning, Ilya had talked about all the hot women he liked to fuck, and about his friend Svetlana that he also fucked from time to time, because their relationship was never going to be an exclusive one. When Ilya had said that he liked Shane, he had quickly added “not as person of course, but you have a good mouth”, because the only thing he wanted from him was his body.
So no, it wasn't going well. Quite the opposite. After all that, Ilya saying his name had felt like a stab to the heart, toying with his feelings.
Fuck.
Shane could barely feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, his face numb from the cold. He considered going back to his room, but the freezing air was the only thing making him feel alive. The emptiness was too much to bear. So he sat on the sidewalk for hours, his back against the hotel wall, until he felt the first sun rays on his face.
—
Ilya was once again looking at his phone, hoping for a text from Jane. “Hey, I’m sorry I panicked, everything is ok”. He had spent the entire night glued to the screen. Surely, Shane would send something, right? But as the time passed, the possibility of receiving a message seemed less and less likely.
In the morning, when it became clear to Ilya that nothing would happen, he threw his phone at the opposite wall.
Please, come back. I can't lose you.
Ilya finally fell asleep.
*
It was the early afternoon when he was woken up by the buzz of his phone, his entire body tensing up. He ran to grab it, stumbling on his bedsheets. The tension left him when he saw Svetlana’s name on the screen, but he also felt disappointed.
Sveta: Hey! Are you ok? I saw yesterday’s game, you didn't seem well.
Sveta: Thank god Hollander didn't seem at his best either, they would have destroyed you guys.
Ilya: I’m ok.
He closed the conversation and went back to his bed, then started staring blankly at his screen again. Svetlana sent a couple more messages, but he didn't feel like answering.
He spent the rest of the day on his couch, watching everything he could find on “Shane Hollander, hockey prodigy”. That documentary was especially boring, but at least he could see those pretty freckles again. It had only been a day since he last saw him, but he had never missed him that much. He couldn't stop wondering if he’d ever be able to kiss him again.
When he couldn't bear it anymore, he grabbed his phone and sent a message.
—
The flight back home felt terribly long. Shane was sitting in silence next to Hayden. He had been asking questions ever since he had woken up and seen Shane's empty bed.
“Is it about Lily?” Hayden finally asked.
Of course it was about Lily, it was always about Lily, but he couldn't tell him that.
“Fuck off.”
“Hey man, I get it. Just know I'm here if you ever want to talk about it, ok?”
Shane stayed silent for a moment. He wished he could talk about it, but it was simply not possible.
“Thanks Hayd. But I'm ok, really," he said, without looking at him.
Hayden sighed. “Alright,” he answered, before going back to the movie he was watching.
*
Later that day, as Shane was unpacking, his phone buzzed. He froze when he saw the name appearing on his screen.
Lily: Hi, are you ok?
Lily: Sorry I freaked you out. We can go back to how it was before. No first names, like nothing happened.
Shane sat down, staring at the texts.
That's the opposite of what I want.
But Ilya didn't know that. His phone buzzed again.
Lily: I don't want to stop seeing you.
Shane could feel his eyes getting watery. He didn't want to stop either, but he knew that if he kept going, his heart would break a little more each time. As much as he wanted to go back to Ilya, he needed to protect himself. He knew he should send something clear, putting a definitive end to this, but he couldn't help but hope for a change.
—
Jane: Me neither. But it’s getting too complicated.
Ilya felt like a weight had finally been lifted from his chest. He was afraid Shane would simply not respond to his text. He had been holding his breath since he had sent the message, his mind going blank after seeing it marked as seen.
Shane answering and confirming that he also wanted to see him again had brought back hope in his heart. Now he just needed to convince him that it could stop being complicated. Going back to the way it was before, how it had always been. No attachment, no first names, just sex.
Lily: Is not complicated. We get together, we fuck. Is simple.
Jane: It’s not what I want.
Ilya was lost.
Lily: What do you want?
Jane: We want different things. I think we’re just not compatible.
Ilya had to look up that word. Compatible. They were compatible! They had been a perfect match since the beginning. He looked at the screen, confused, trying to figure out what he had missed in their conversation that would explain what Shane was thinking.
If Shane thought that things had gotten too complicated since Ilya had called him by his first name, then going back would make things simple. But Shane didn't want to go back. And if Shane didn't want things to be like they were, then it meant going further into their relationship. But then it would become complicated again.
It didn't make any sense.
Lily: Please explain.
He stared at the screen as Shane started typing, then stopped, then started typing again and so on, until he stopped typing completely. After a couple minutes of nothing, Ilya started writing and then deleting his own message. “Is not complicated, you make it complicated” “We can make it simple again” “Please explain how I can make it simple for you” "What do I have to do to see you again” “I don't want this to stop” “I don't want to lose you.” He sounded desperate. He was desperate.
Lily: Please talk to me.
The weight was back on his chest, squishing his heart. The possibility of losing Shane felt more real every second. Ilya couldn't stop staring at the screen. He felt a little relief when Shane started typing again, but he was still terrified.
Jane: When you asked me to stay the other night, it was nice. I thought maybe we would become something more than just two people who have sex on occasions. But I don't want to hear you talk about the women you sleep with. In fact I don't want you to sleep with anyone else at all. I want to be with you, not be the guy that you get to fuck whenever we are in the same town.
Jane: You don't want that and that's ok, I understand, but I can't do this anymore.
Oh.
It wasn't because of the name, of course it wasn't. Ilya slapped his forehead.
Idiot.
He had been the one making things complicated since the beginning. But now, he knew what had to change, and it was precisely what he wanted.
Lily: We are compatible.
Jane: I don't think you understand.
Lily: I understand. We have game in Montreal in a couple weeks. I will come see you and we can talk, yes?
Jane: You want to see me to talk?
Lily: Yes. And sex after if talk goes well.
Jane: Fuck you.
Lily: Maybe ;) See you in a couple weeks.
—
Shane had been reading that conversation over and over for the past half-hour. He wasn't sure Ilya had really understood. Did he really think they were compatible? Did he truly want the same things? He’d have to wait until their next match to know that.
Even with the doubts he still had, having that conversation had lightened his mood. He didn't feel so empty anymore. He had cried while writing the text in which he explained his feelings, persuaded that it was the last time they would talk. But now he knew that they would see each other in a couple weeks, and that simple fact had changed everything for him. Now, he was able to breathe properly, the fog in his head had finally lifted and he’d be able to focus during practice.
—
The weeks passed, almost peacefully. During practice, Ilya was daydreaming about seeing Shane. When he was running on the treadmill, he daydreamed about being with him, and only him.
On the day of the game, he couldn't think about anything other than Shane. When he finally got face to face with him on the rink, he was smiling ear to ear. He didn't focus much, too busy thinking about what he’d say to him that night. Later, his team teased him, asking if the girl he was thinking about was worth losing a game.
Shane seemed anxious when he met him at his apartment, he didn't talk as they walked up the stairs.
“You ok?” Ilya asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he answered, avoiding his eyes. “Can I offer you something?”
“I’m good.”
They looked at each other as they were standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“Should we sit?” Ilya asked, pointing at the couch.
Shane nodded. He seemed even more tense than when he had opened the door. Ilya thought the sooner they’d start talking, the sooner Shane would ease up. He couldn't wait any longer anyway.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” Shane asked.
“Being stupid.” A small smile formed on Ilya’s face. “I thought you did not want to get closer. So I talked about women to say ‘Hey look I fuck other people, I am not getting attached’.”
“I don't get it.”
“I want to be closer. But I think you don't, so I pretend I don't either so I don't lose you.”
Shane’s face changed, his eyes wide open and his lips forming a little ‘o’.
“You- You want to be closer?”
“Yes Hollander, it is what I said.”
“Like, you want to be together?”
“How many times do I need to say it?” Ilya asked.
He sounded mildly annoyed, but there was nothing but love in his eyes. Shane's face finally relaxed into a smile.
“So… Does that mean…?”
“Yes Hollander, we can have sex now.”
“Fuck you!” Shane pushed him. “You know that's not what I meant.”
“What do you mean then?”
“Are you going to keep calling me ‘Hollander’?”
“Depends. Will you run away?”
Shane chuckled. “We’re in my apartment. I'm kinda stuck here.” He looked at Ilya’s mouth, placing his thumb on his lips. “I want to hear you moan my name again.”
Ilya closed the gap between them, crashing his lips onto Shane's. He was kissing him with a new type of hunger, like he had been starving for years. Shane grabbed Ilya’s shirt and pulled it over his head.
“So you do want to have sex,” Ilya said with a cocky smile.
“Oh shut up,” Shane answered with a laugh.
He pushed Ilya on the couch and started tracing a trail of kisses from his mouth to his neck.
“Oh, Shane.”
Shane smiled against Ilya’s skin. This time, his mind stayed perfectly clear. He pulled away from his neck.
“Say it again, please”
Ilya looked at him with the softest eyes Shane had ever seen.
“Shane.”
His lips brushing against his, he answered, “Ilya.”
“Please never stop saying it.”
“I promise.”