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The helmet slips from his heavy hands. He can vaguely hear its impact on the ground far down from the tower. No way to go back now, even if he wanted to.
Quiet tears roll down his face and Xisuma sighs, letting the false air blanket his airways.
Only ten more minutes to go.
A beautiful suicide, the last thing he allows himself.
Except it isn’t.
The plan was to die alone, ridding Hermitcraft of the harm he brought, so why did he suddenly want to be found?
It’s the ugly part of himself talking, he is sure of it, the selfish thoughts he can never seem to hold back. The root of all the problems he has brought upon the hermits, plaguing them and forcing his way into their lives.
The need to pull through and survive so that he can continue to bother everyone else…
He supposes, that quenching the emotion was an easy enough fix. Better to quiet it down than to let it get too strong and actually weaken his resolve. He can’t give up now. He was finally doing something right.
He lifts his wrist up to type on his communicator, despite the dizziness making the letters swim across his vision and the setting sun blinding him, Xisuma finds the contact for the one person who had always managed to make him feel found.
With a few clicks to activate voice call, an admin feature rarely used on their server, Xisuma calls his dearest friend. The ringing sound looping on and on, entrancing his tired mind.
“Hi, Shishwammy. What a surprise, to have you calling lil’ ol’ me.”
Keralis’ words lack most of the over exaggerated eccentricities he often uses around other Hermits. The thought that at least Keralis still feels safe enough around him to speak authentically and freely makes Xisuma smile.
Hopefully he will open up to more hermits after this night. It would be a shame if this side of Keralis was lost just because of him.
Then the reason of their talk really registers for the Void-Walker and it makes him want to bawl. He won’t be there to know what will happen with the next sunrise.
So, for the first time in days, Xisuma clears his throat and speaks.
“Keralis… it’s good to hear you too…”
His voice is raspy and quiet but still enough to have Keralis understand.
“So, what’s the reason for you to call at this time-of-day Shishwammy? Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Or have you been pulling all-nighters again? Don’t make Papa K come over there.!”
“…no… I just… I’ve been… I wanted to hear your voice. That’s all.”
The ‘one last time’ drifts away with the wind.
“Silly Shishwammy, you could always come over and I would tell you about everything I can think of. But I guess this is fine, you sound tired, so why don’t I keep this simple and tell you how my day went? Kind of like a sleepy time story.”
“…that… sounds nice… I… am very tired”
“So first-“
Xisuma tries his best to listen, he really does but his heart feels so heavy. The sun has set and he can see the first stars. It reminds him of the void, his home long before he belonged anywhere else. Back when everything was still ok and he hadn’t failed at being good. Or maybe he had? His brother seems to think so. Maybe that’s why he constantly fought him… because it was his punishment.
That’s probably why the other hermits accepted Exiona so readily. They finally realised who the better choice is. Even though EX has hurt them too, it was so easy for them to forgive him. One meeting was all that it took for his brother but to forgive him? Unthinkable.
If people like the hermits distance themselves from someone and cannot find it in them to forgive… He must have done so many more horrible things than he can ever hope to apologize for.
For all the blood he has poured out in hope of atoning, it’s hard to remember anything in detail.
Thinking hurts. He hurts.
Memories keep flashing before his eyes. Unable to stop them, he resigns himself to the feeling. The past; every season, every world, every hermit. Oh, how he misses them…
He should really reply to Keralis. Xisuma could swear that he heard him ask a question but he can’t open his mouth, he can’t feel his limbs, he hasn’t even thought about taking a breath in what feels like forever.
It’s cold. He doesn’t like the cold but he is so… so tired. He’ll apologise to him tomorrow.
How long has it been?
After a little bit, Keralis stops talking. Xisuma has been very quiet aside from a few silent rasps and sputters.
“Silly man, it’s not even been 5 minutes and he’s already dead asleep… He must have been exhausted. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. It’s been too long anyways. I can barely remember the last time I spoke to him.”
Keralis sits and listens for a little longer until the call ends.
“Hah, he must have rolled over and ended the call by accident… Rest well Shishwammy.”
A breeze hits his body. It sure is cold tonight… Hopefully Xisuma is in a warm place. As contradictory to his existence it may seem, he never did like the cold.
The next morning when Keralis wakes up, it’s a day like any other. Nothing appears out of the ordinary when he gets up leisurely and makes some tea.
For his mood, though, the best you could describe him, would probably be outright giddy.
Even though Xisuma was so tired, he reached out. Not even just over text, no, he used an admin only feature. This clearly means, that he wants Keralis to keep him company.
And so, he will keep him company. Lately, it felt like Xisuma had been pulling away from the hermits but now he actively wanted Keralis. Who is he to say no to that?
Keralis is about to take a sip from his tea, when he reaches over and looks at his communicator. The World-chat is getting a steady stream of messages. It must be something important.
ImpulseSV: Does anyone know why I have admin privileges?
ImpulseSV: I tried contacting Xisuma but I can’t reach him.
GoodTimeWithScar: OOOOH, you should do something fun with those before X takes them back :)
Grian: I agree
Grian: We should go prank someone :P
Docm77: Don’t.
Docm77: But I agree that it is weird. I also have admin access.
Docm77: Joe and Cub do too, they texted me a bit ago.
Admin privileges? Huh, that is weird. Maybe X wanted a break? He’ll ask him about that when he goes to visit him today.
Keralis: I am visiting Shishwammy today. I can ask him for you.
ImpulseSV: Maybe we should join you. I don’t know why Xisuma would just give access to us randomly. He didn’t mention anything to anyone?
MumboJumbo: No
BdoubleO100: No
TangoTek: I actually can’t even really remember when I last talked to him
TangoTek: He’s been distant lately
MumboJumbo: I don’t think I have seen him since Grian’s accident
Docm77: Has anyone talked to him since then?
A horrible feeling settles deep in his core. Keralis doesn’t know why but for some reason he is dreading seeing the next messages.
Keralis: He called me yesterday but he barely spoke. His voice was all raspy and he said he was tired.
Keralis: It barely took more than a few minutes until the call ended. Maybe 10? If not less.
Docm77: Keralis. When did he call you?
Keralis: At night time, when the sun just set, why?
ImpulseSV: The logs say, that admin privileges were transferred around that timeframe.
Cubfan135: Did it say, that he hung up? Or did you end the call?
Keralis: No
Keralis: The call just ended. I thought he rolled over after falling asleep and accidentally hung up.
Keralis: But the screen didn’t say anything after. It was kind of like the call just disconnected.
Cubfan135: Disconnected.
Keralis watches as his last message sends just as Cubs does. The call didn’t end.
Admin-calls follow a strict procedure. They only end if someone hangs up, or if something happens to the person that made the call. The admin themselves.
Xisuma never hung up.
It disconnected.
Oh no. The call disconnected. He didn’t even notice. How could he not have noticed? Xisuma could be hurt, passed out somewhere right now or worse and he would have never thought about that being a possibility if the others hadn’t asked.
Any other messages coming through the communicator are lost on him. He is off, flying over to Xisumas base at top speeds before he can even think about willing his feet to move.
He crash-lands in front of the concrete tower, halfway falling through the front door.
“XISUMA?? SHISHWAM?? PLEASE SAY SOMETHING.”
“ARE YOU SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE?? XISUMA, PLEASE! PLEASE!?”
He can vaguely hear other hermits landing close by but he bares it no mind. He needs to find Xisuma first and foremost. He just has to.
He’s sprinting through the rooms, yelling as loud he can. His voice cracks. His yells are desperate and raspy. They hurt. He looks terribly dishevelled rushing from one part of the tower to the next.
Tears are running down his cheeks. They burn with guilt.
Keralis bursts through the next door, into the next neatly cleaned and organised room. Only that this one has a note. Just lying there next to some poppies.
Its such an innocent display. A nicely folded paper next to such a vibrant colour. It really draws your eye right to it. Almost as if planned.
He grabs the note and unfolds it but he only gets to read the first two word before his name is called and he is pulled away. Outside, the first thing he sees is Impulse holding Xisumas helmet. Why does he have his helmet? Xisuma can’t breathe without his helmet. He needs it. Don’t take it away.
HE CAN’T BREATHE WITHOUT IT!
And suddenly it feels like he can’t breathe either, when Doc lands next to them, carrying a limp and way too frail looking body cradled against his chest.
Xisuma has never looked smaller.
Keralis drops the letter he is still clenching in his hand. It drops to the ground and partly folds back up. The only words that are visible are the first two; “I’m sorry”.
He doesn’t see the way Joe picks up the note. He doesn’t hear the harsh breath intake when he reads it. He doesn’t turn around to console Joe through the sobs wrecking his body.
No, he instead joins Doc, who is carefully placing Xisuma on the ground, unmoving and cold.
Keralis sits next to him. He pulls his upper body into his lap, carding a hand through his hair. He doesn’t know if its to calm himself or to make himself believe that Xisuma is just sleeping and he is waking him up.
“Shishwammy… it’s time to wake up now… Its already morning, your hermits need you.”
“Please… wake up… do it for me? My Shishwammy…”
He whispers the words into his hair.
He already knows that he won’t wake up. But a part of him wants to believe. To believe, that they didn’t miss his sadness, his exhaustion, his need so painfully bad, that he saw no other way out but to kill himself.
“We don’t know what happened just yet, but we’ll try to find out”
Doc started talking after a long time, stretched not by silence but never-ending sobs.
“YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!? WELL, I CAN TELL YOU! HE KILLED HIMSELF. IF YOU READ THE DAMN NOTE, I DROPPED YOU’LL SEE. HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE WE COULDN’T SEE HIS PAIN. BECAUSE NO ONE WAS THERE TO HELP HIM. HE KILLED HIMSELF ON CALL WITH ME. HE KILLED HIMSELF AND I DIDN’T SAVE HIM!... Oh void… I basically killed him myself. I had all the chances. He called me. He reached out and I didn’t save him.”
“Doc… Doc I killed him. I killed my best friend.”
Keralis is desperately clutching Xisuma to his chest, holding him tightly but with so much care it looks like the worlds softest embrace. His tears have not stopped burning down his face, leaving behind ugly tracks full of self-loathing and hopelessness.
“No… Keralis don’t say that. You couldn’t have known.”
“But I could have! Cub knew immediately what a disconnecting admin-call meant. He was right there, Doc. I failed him. I-“
He is stopped by Docs large arms pulling him into a hug, enveloping both Keralis and Xisuma. Impulse, Cub and Joe join them soon after. They stay that way for a while before they carefully wrap Xisuma in cloth to transfer him to spawn for a proper burial and for the hermits to be able to see him one last time.
Joe: I am calling a server-meeting. All of us should convene at spawn as soon as possible.
Joe: Xisuma has been very hurt for a while now.
Joe: Yesterday he bade this world goodbye.
GoodTimeWithScar: Is he better now after respawn? I didn’t see a death-message
Cubfan135: Scar…
Cubfan135: There are no death-messages for perma-deaths.