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Everything around him was gray. It was the only thing he saw or felt or knew. The Halls were…lifeless, endless and boring. He knew what he was supposed to be doing – healing, reflecting on the past, his life, his mistakes and regrets. But he did not see the point. There was no color here, nothing to tempt him back into life. Just the endless, silent gray.
It had been explained to him – on more than one occasion – that if he wished to move on, he needed to try. And if he did, the colors would return.
But he did not believe it.
Normally, he wasn’t one to give in to despair. At least he hadn’t been in life…even when things had been truly awful. But it was hard not to let it consume him now with the unbroken, dull gray of Mandos’ Halls pressing in all around him.
And despite his refusal to act, the voices there still whispered to him sometimes. From somewhere. Told him that if he tried just a little bit…he would see colors again. He always ignored them.
He remembered colors. He did. And there were only three that were important.
Red was family. It was his father and forge fire and strength, & he’d adorned himself with it as much as he could. Red was his mother and his siblings. It was comfort and safety and home.
Until later. Then red had become violent and cruel and…endless blood.
His father’s blood.
His brothers’ blood.
The blood that stained his hands, heart and soul.
He didn’t want that version of red back.
Gold was Celebrimbor. His beautiful, brilliant son. The only good thing he had ever produced. The thought of giving in, of trying to heal was strongest when he thought of him. Maybe…maybe it would be worth it if he could see Tyelperinquar again. He held no lingering anger towards him for his decision to cut ties with their family. He did not blame him…only himself. And if Celebrimbor still wanted nothing to do with him, he wouldn’t fight it. He just wanted to see him again. Even if it was just once. His eyes with the flecks of gold in them, his smile that beamed golden light. It made his heart ache to think of him.
Silver was Celegorm. His hair, his smile. The other half of his soul. For better or for worse, it was the tie that had bound them so tightly together. He wondered if Celegorm was here now also…wished desperately that he could see him, feel him, disappear against him. Maybe…maybe he was another reason to try.
He thought about it. Pictured his brother brightly in his head. Felt his entire soul light up for a moment.
“Curvo…”
He froze…as much as that was possible for a disembodied spirit. But he could’ve sworn he’d heard his voice. Felt him nearby almost…
But giving in now felt like giving up. Except sometimes he also wondered…what if they were waiting for him? His family, his son, his brother. Red, gold, silver.
Still, he lingered, hating the grayness all around him more and more. Yet at the same time, it felt safe…because what if he tried and no one was there? He thought that might be worse than remaining where he was now…alone and stuck. But now that the thoughts of Celebrimbor & Celegorm had come so strongly, they were much harder to ignore.
He wanted…he missed them…
Gold. Silver.
“Tyelko?”
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he thought he’d heard his brother’s voice. And truthfully, he was not even sure if he’d heard it at all or simply remembered it or had imagined it entirely.
And it was not exactly like he had a voice now. But he thought of Celegorm more clearly than he had in a very long time, and the name had voiced itself inside of his thoughts. He didn’t know if he’d said the name aloud or not. Didn’t know if that was even possible for his spirit to do.
But the surrounding grayness suddenly seemed…lighter. Less suffocating. It was still difficult to try, to want to try…but as he glanced in different directions, he could’ve sworn he saw colors.
Red? (It felt warm.)
Gold? (The hope here was painfully difficult to endure.)
Silver? (He had missed him so, so much.)
“Curvo…finally.”
He looked up and was suddenly flooded with silver. The relief he felt was so striking that he couldn’t believe he had chosen to resist this for so long. He could feel Celegorm all around him and he nestled as close to him as possible, letting their spirits wind around one another, quickly and easily reforming the same bond they’d shared their entire lives.
“I’ve been waiting for you for…forever.”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t…”
“I know.”
They were quiet for a long time. Quiet and together. How he’d missed him!
He wanted to stay safely intertwined with his brother for the rest of time. But now that he’d pushed away the dull, gray stillness, he found there were things he needed to do. The memories of life were calling to him, and he knew he’d have to face everything eventually.
Red was still in his peripheral vision. Waiting to welcome him back. And he wanted that, he did…but there was something more important he needed first.
“Tyelko…is…”
“He’s here, yes. Let me show you.”
That Celegorm knew what he wanted before he voiced it only helped solidify their closeness. He stayed close but turned with Curufin to move somewhere different and…smaller.
The gold was a small flicker in front of him. Not as bright as it should be, as he remembered it. But it was him. Curufin’s first thought was joy at feeling and seeing and knowing his son was so close again. But immediately that joy was tempered by the realization that if he was here, he was no longer alive.
“Tyelperinquar?”
He was hesitant as he moved forward, careful to keep Celegorm close – he would not be without him again. He sensed that Celebrimbor needed gentleness and patience. His golden aura was dull and lifeless, and he wondered what sort of death had brought him to the Halls in this manner. He wondered if Celegorm knew.
But the gold flickered more brightly for a moment and came closer slowly. “Atar?”
“Yes. I’m here.” His reply was quiet, but he projected every bit of love that he felt for his son as brightly as he could. (He wondered briefly what color he looked like to Tyelpe, to Celegorm. If it was something they noticed or if he was the only one who saw them that way.)
And then he was engulfed in gold. There was pain there – so much endless, broken pain – and it broke his heart. He would find out at some point, but the important thing was enveloping his son in love and safety. And Celebrimbor did not reject him, did not push him away. He stayed as close as he possibly could in fact. He seemed eager and desperate to do so.
He felt Celegorm come closer. Watched silver mingle with gold, felt his brother also push as much comfort and love as he could to his nephew. Felt it flood through him and all around him.
He did not know what Celebrimbor had suffered. He did not know how long Celegorm had waited for him. He did not know if they would ever enter the world again or simply remain here forever. But for the moment, it did not matter and he pulled them both closer. Three spirits, three colors, melded together for eternity.