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If someone asked Danny if he’d give up hockey for his kids, he’d say yes in an instant. Before Caelan was born, he never thought anything would ever be more important than hockey to him. If someone asked him, however, if being a father came as easy, felt as natural, as hockey always had, a yes would not be as forthcoming.
“Dad?” Cameron asked, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Danny looked up from the pile of mail he was looking at to see his youngest boy biting his lip.
“What’s up, buddy?”
“This guy said…” He trailed off but began again. “Why is calling someone gay an insult?” he asked in a rush.
Danny closed his eyes for a few seconds then said, “C’mere, Cam.” Cam walked over to him, mouth twisting uncertainly. Danny crouched to his level and said, “What’s going on?”
“There’s this fifth grader named Parker and he won’t leave me alone and he’s been messing with me and calling me gay. I just… I want him to stop!” Danny was struck by how much Cam’s angry expression reminded him of Sylvie’s. It made him want to laugh and cry at the same time in a way that he put aside to think about later.
“Have you said anything to him?” he asked instead.
“Of course, I’m not a baby. But he won’t leave me alone! And he’s….” he trailed off.
“He’s what?”
“Nothing, he’s just a jerk. So why is it an insult?”
Danny blinked a few times. “Well, I guess… people like to demonize what they don’t understand.” Cam just looked at him. Danny sighed. “They make it seem very bad when they don’t understand it.”
“What’s not to understand?” he snapped. “Some guys like girls, some like guys. It’s not like it’s a big deal!”
“I know that but some people feel threatened by the idea.” Cam looked up at him.
“That’s dumb,” Cameron informed his father. Danny just nodded, feeling more than little out of his depth here. “Ok, thanks for your help.” The deadpan way in which he said it made it pretty clear that he hadn’t found Danny all that helpful. He turned to walk away and Danny called him back.
“Hey, just… bullies are no scarier than bigger players on the ice. You just have to stand up to them. Ok?”
“Ok, Dad,” he replied with a long-suffering sigh. He rolled his eyes as he was turning away but Danny didn’t say anything. He had learned to pick his battles and that wasn’t one he wanted to fight.
“Everything ok?” Claude asked as he came into the kitchen from the living room. Danny realized belatedly that he’d probably heard most, if not all, of the conversation so he just shrugged.
“Bullies, you know.” Claude nodded.
“You ok?”
Danny looked at him oddly. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Claude walked closer to him and reached out a hand. Danny flinched away, reminding him, “The boys are here,” in a hiss, and Claude’s hand landed on his shoulder.
“Seriously, Danny. Are you ok?” The younger man was still scrutinizing his face, looking for something. Danny was more concerned over the fact that Claude was still touching him and that he had pressed his face into the hand on his shoulder pretty much as soon as it had landed, even though he’d was the one who had warned against touching him at all.
He’d always been weak when it came to telling Claude no. It was partially why Claude was still living with the family. Danny had first invited him to stay in a fit of loneliness last season. He hated coming home to an empty house with a passion that had him surprised at himself. Later in the season, Claude had worked up the courage to kiss him in a deserted hallway in some hotel in fucking Pittsburgh of all places. Danny had kissed him back and knew that they were both a little screwed. That was as far as it had gone, though, and it was almost as far as it had gone since. When Claude asked him over summer, with eyes that would put a Spaniel puppy to shame, if the invitation was still open, he couldn’t bring himself to say no. And since he moved in, they’d been doing this dance, skirting the edge of too far and just far enough, keeping out of sight of the boys and the media and the team. The dance was getting tired and so was Danny. He was just about done with games.
Yet still he told Claude, “Yeah, I’m fine,” with a smile plastered on his face.
-
“Hey, Claude-”
“Get to Cam’s school now.”
“What’s going on?!”
“It’s ok. He’s ok. Just… get here.”
-
“Hello?”
“Mr. Briere? This is Laura at Central School. I’m calling about your son, Cameron?”
“I’m on my way.”
-
“You know, I shouldn’t be surprised,” Sylvie said, shaking her head.
“What exactly is that supposed to mean?”
“He and the boys watch you get paid to get in fights. We’re lucky this is the first time this has happened. I expected it out of Caelan more, you know he wants to be just like you.”
“That is not the issue here,” he hissed back.
“No, the issue is our son has a black eye because he got into a fight with someone because you told him to!”
“I didn’t tell him to! I told him to stand up for himself! This kid’s been messing with him for weeks and it would have just gotten worse if he’d ignored it.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I do know that! Just because the insults were in French doesn’t mean I didn’t go through the same shit at his age!” Realizing he’d sworn, he glanced at Cam and apologized to the principal, who was looking not at all pleased with the parents arguing in his office. It had started before they had even seen the man and had been starting and stopping in between comments from him or Cameron.
“Cameron, why didn’t you inform anyone that you were being picked on?” he asked gently, giving a significant look to his parents that kept both of them quiet.
“I did. Nobody did anything,” he answered, prodding absently at his bruising cheekbone. “He just kept after me, calling me gay and stuff. I told him that most homophobic people are reacting violently to the homosexual tendencies within themselves.” Every adult in the room blinked at him.
“Where on earth did you get that?” Sylvie asked.
“The internet. I Googled why calling someone gay was an insult.”
“Before or after you asked me?” Danny received an unimpressed look for his question.
“After. You think I was satisfied with the answer you gave me?”
The principal cut Danny off as he opened his mouth to reply. “What happened after you told him that?”
“He swung on me, I ducked and hit him in the jaw. He got me on the cheek with his left hand and just kept hitting until Ms. Maroni pulled us apart. Then I saw Claude, ‘cause he was there to pick me up, and he called Dad and then the school called Dad and Mom and Claude waited until Dad got here to leave to take Cae and Carson home.”
Sylvie shook her head, mouth twisted in a sneer, and put her fingers to her lips. Danny felt his irritation rising just looking at her.
“I’m sorry, do you have something to say? Some other way to make this my fault?”
“He picked up the boys today?”
Danny’s shoulders tensed as he gritted out, “Yes.”
“You couldn’t do that yourself?”
“I didn’t know it’d be such a problem for you.”
“You didn’t care, you mean. Just like you didn’t care about my opinion when you asked a man I barely know to move in with you and my sons without so much as a heads-up. What am I supposed to think, a 23-year-old man moving in with you and now he’s picking up the kids and God knows what else. Will he have visitation rights when he moves out or does he plan on living with you for the rest of his life?”
“This is not the place for this conversation,” Danny hissed, trying very hard to keep his temper in check, while Cameron protested, “I like when he picks us up, Mom. I like him living with us.”
“I’m sure you do, Cam, but I’m still not sure he’s the best influence,” she began, tone noticeably gentler with her son than with her ex-husband. “You never got in fights before he moved in-”
“It doesn’t have anything to do with him! Parker swung on me! What was I supposed to do, let him beat the shit out of me?!” Cameron asked, raising his voice and glaring at his mother.
“Cameron! Language!” Danny snapped, mostly instinct. He was actually kind of proud of his kid but he was never going to say that out loud. This was not something he could encourage.
The room fell silent, Cam and Sylvie both determinedly not looking at anything in specific, Danny trying to tamp down his anger and his developing headache at the same time. The principal sat and waited to make sure that no one was going to start screaming again.
“Regardless of who started it, we have a zero tolerance policy for violence here. I’m giving you a three-day in-school suspension. You’ll do all of your work as normal, just in the library office instead of with your class.” Cam’s mouth twisted up, much like his mother’s had done, but nodded mutely. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning then.”
Summarily dismissed, they all got to their feet and headed out the door, Sylvie keeping a death grip on her purse. “Are you sure you’re ok, honey?” she asked Cam as she hovered at his side.
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just a bruise, no worse than anything I get from hockey.” This made his mother purse her lips but she didn’t say anything. “It’s not a big deal, ok? Can I just go home now?”
“Yeah,” Danny answered before Sylvie could respond. He put his arm around his shoulders, making it clear who Cam was going home with whether his mother protested or not. This whole incident didn’t change the fact that it was his week. When they walked through the glass front doors of the school, however, Cam shook his dad’s arm off as he noticed a little dark-haired girl and what looked to be her father standing outside.
“Hey, Elizabeth,” Cam said, twisting his arms nervously at his sides. Danny bit back a laugh. So this was the Elizabeth that he’d been hearing so much about in the last couple of weeks (from Cam, from Caelan and Carson teasing Cam about her, from Claude teasing Cam about her…). She smiled at Cam, the same nervous smile he was giving her, before darting out to hug him and pulling away just as quickly.
“I just wanted to thank you for what you said to Parker,” she said, “’cause I’ve got two dads and I hate what he was saying about people like my dads and I just… Yeah. Thanks.”
“No problem,” he replied, slightly dazed. Danny was trying so hard not to laugh because he knew he’d hear about it for days if he did but he caught Elizabeth’s dad’s eye, who looked much the same.
“Well, I just wanted to say that so, um, bye.” She raised her hand in an awkward wave then grabbed her dad’s hand and started pulling him away towards the parking lot.
“It was nice meeting you,” he called back, ignoring his daughter’s indignant, “Dad!”
“You too,” Danny said, laugh getting the better of him at last. Cameron jerked his head back in an aborted tantrum-like movement before saying, “Oh my God, can we just go?”
“Yeah, just say bye to your mother.” Cam hugged her quickly then took off toward the parking lot himself, even though he had no idea where his father had parked. Luckily, the only cars remaining belonged to teachers and the relatively empty parking lot meant that Cam was standing at the door, tugging uselessly at the handle, until Danny got there, still laughing to himself. “Is she the reason you said anything to that kid?”
“No!” he said, indignant, but was turning red. “She was just… kind of a push in that direction.” Danny recognized it as something that he would say and laughed harder as he pulled out of the parking lot. His phone chimed and Cameron grabbed it off the center console.
“Who is it?” Danny asked, not wanting Cam to open anything he shouldn’t; some of the guys on the team could be pretty terrible. Cam rolled his eyes at him.
“Mom.” Cameron unlocked the phone and then read the message. His lips pursed, like his mother’s had done, but he didn’t say anything until his dad asked what it said. “She said that if there’s anything else like this, she’d have to think about taking this back to court.” Danny felt like he’d been punched in the gut and Cam didn’t look much better.
“It’s ok, buddy,” he consoled through gritted teeth. “It won’t get to that point.” The rest of the car ride was spent in silence.
-
“Wow, Cam,” Caelan said, grabbing his brother’s chin and tilting his face up.
“Nice shiner you got there,” Carson added.
“We are not encouraging this,” Danny snapped.
“Yeah, no, of course not. You’re supposed to make the other guy look like this.” The brothers grinned at each other.
“Caelan!”
“Sorry, sorry.” He grabbed his brother’s backpack of his back. “Come on, let Dad talk to Claude until he calms down.”
Danny opened his mouth to call after them but didn’t when Claude wrapped a hand around his wrist. “Are you ok? Seriously?” He let go when Danny turned to him, desperation clear on his face.
“I just…. She makes me want to, I don’t know, shoot pucks until my stick breaks, or I crack the glass or something. She just…. Everything’s my fault and I’m a shitty dad and I…” He trailed off, covering his face with his hands. “I’m tired of doing this alone.”
“You’re not a shitty dad. And that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So you’re not doing this alone?” Danny moved his hands and looked up at him, his look searching. Claude stared back, smile twitching the corners of his lips.
“I couldn’t ask any more from you.”
“Yes, you can. And I’ll say yes.” Danny didn’t know what his face was doing but if it was reflecting even a fraction of what he was feeling, he was sure it was clear to Claude. “All you have do is ask. I’ll still be here when you do.”
This was a conversation they couldn’t have. Not with the boys in the other room, not when Danny would rather throw things than act like a civilized human being. Not ever, a small corner of Danny’s mind added. He pushed it away.
Maybe “not ever” would be better than this, having half conversations in hushed tones in hallways when the boys were there.
“Not ever” was the smart choice, the safe choice.
-
In his 12 years since becoming a father, Danny had been dealt a fair number of surprises, not the least of which was getting a call at 6 in the afternoon from his oldest informing him, “Mom’s bringing us home.”
“Why?” he asked, panic flooding him.
“It’s stupid. She and Cam, like, went at it and Cam wanted to leave so we’re all coming back.” There was the sound of unclear conversation in the background and Carson telling Cam to shut up and get in the car. “That’s ok, right?”
“Yeah, no, that’s fine. Just… is everyone ok?”
“Yeah, Dad. It’s not a big deal!” He sounded pissy himself and Danny knew he wouldn’t get much more civilization conversation out of him.
“Ok, all right. I’ll see you when you get here, I guess.”
“Ok. Bye, love you.” The line clicked dead.
“Bye,” he said to the “Call Ended” screen.
“Everything ok?” Danny jumped about a foot and the phone hit the kitchen counter with a clatter. He hadn’t heard Claude come in, hair still wet from his shower at the rink less than an hour before. “Hey, chill. I’m not a mass murderer.” He was smiling his goofy, lopsided smile when Danny turned to him but was replaced by a look of concern as he took in Danny’s face. “Seriously, Danny, you ok?”
He shook his head no but said, “Yeah, Sylvie’s just bringing the boys back now.”
“What happened?” Danny sighed heavily. They stood there in silence for several minutes, Danny working his way up to something much heavier than the conversation he’d just had with Caelan and Claude waiting patiently until he got himself there.
After several false starts, he said, “She and Cam got in a fight apparently and now he wants to come home and the boys decided to come home together.”
Claude raised an eyebrow. “Like father like son.”
“Not funny,” he snapped. Claude just looked at him. “I want them to get along with their mother. I’ve never wanted them to hate her or see me hating her and think they have to take sides. I just… they’re growing up, ya know? And I don’t want them to end up angry and violent and all this with Cam-”
“Cam is fine. He’s a good kid. He stood up to a bully, he’s not becoming one. And so he got in a fight with his mother. What kid doesn’t? He fights with you too. This isn’t a sign that he’s gonna drop out of school and become a gang member or something. I mean, seriously, Danny. Just… calm the fuck down, ok?” He grabbed Danny by the shoulders and made him look him in the eye. “You’re not gonna screw up your kids. I promise.”
Something that defied label flashed across Danny’s face and he relaxed into Claude’s arms. He opened his mouth to say something but whatever it was going to be was lost when they heard the front door being flung open, causing it to slam against the wall. Cam stomped into the kitchen seconds later, face as thunderous as a nine-year-old’s can be. Carson trailed in after, looking slightly less angry but still not pleased, and Caelan brought up the rear, informing him shortly, “Mom wants to talk to you outside.”
“Of course she does.” Danny narrowly missed rolling his eyes, remembering his words not minutes ago about not turning his boys against their mother. Claude pushed at his shoulder, lopsided smile back in place.
“Go see what she wants. I’ll try to get what happened out of them.” He indicated the boys sitting at the counter with a motion of his head.
“Must I?” he said quietly.
“Yes,” was the just as quiet but firm answer. He sighed but went outside, grabbing a Flyers-orange windbreaker off the hook as he went. Sylvie was parked on the curb, waiting by the passenger’s side of her car with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Hi,” he said curtly, pulling the jacket closer against the October weather. She gave an insincere, tight-lipped smile in response.
“You know, there are a lot of reasons we got a divorce-”
“Mainly because you slept with somebody else,” he interjected coldly.
“-but not putting the boys first was never one of them.” She plowed on as if he’d never spoken. “So I don’t understand what you’re doing now.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. When we were separated and you were sleeping with anything that moved, I didn’t say anything. Because the boys were left out of it. They didn’t have access to all of the shit they posted on Deadspin about you fucking any young girl who walked by. Or guy, apparently. But this? You bring him home? Into the house where my sons live? That’s a new low, even for you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Sylvie?”
“Him! You’re entitled to sleep with whoever you want but to invite him to live here with the boys in the house? That’s the kind of environment you want them growing up in?”
Danny gave a disbelieving laugh. “Claude? Is that what this is about?”
“Who else would it be about? Or do you have some other fuckbuddy living with you?”
“We… what?! Claude and I- there’s nothing- we’re not sleeping together. How the fuck would you come to that conclusion?!” They had moved closer to each other, both angry but still very aware that nosy neighbors couldn’t be expected to be above exchanging any overheard conversation for some sort of incentive.
“Don’t bother. Caelan already spilled your little secret.” Her voice was dripping with condescension. “If you’re obvious enough for a 12-year-old to figure out-”
“He’s always been smarter than you give him credit for,” he broke in on instinct. It had always been a bone of contention between them, Sylvie thinking that he expected too much and Danny thinking she underestimated them.
“If Caelan knows, I can only wonder why it isn’t plastered on every tabloid from here to Pittsburgh! You’re apparently not bothering to hide it at all!”
“I’m going to say this as simply as possible so maybe, just maybe, you’ll get it: I’m. Not. Fucking. Claude. And if you’re so damn concerned about it, why the hell are you bringing them back to me?”
She opened her mouth to reply, anger clear in her twisted expression and tense posture, but closed it again. The anger remained but added to it was something like shame. “Cam wanted to come. Or ‘go home’, as he phrased it. He was mad at me because I… reacted badly to the news that you were sleeping with your barely-legal housemate.”
“He’s 23 and we’re not-”
“So you’ve said. Which means you need to have a conversation with them and tell them that. Because they’re all under the assumption that he’s well on his way to becoming their step-father.” She practically spit the last word before turning away, making to climb into the driver’s seat of her car. She stopped when she reached the door, though, looking at Danny over the hood, unsure for the first time in the conversation. “Tell Cam I’m sorry.” Danny nodded but didn’t reply as he watched her get in her car and drive away.
He walked back into the house, closing the door quietly behind him, and walked up the stairs, not stopping until he was in front of the medicine cabinet in his en-suite bathroom. He had pulled out a painkiller bottle and just popped the lid when Claude’s voice startled him and made him drop the bottle, spilling little blue pills on the counter and into the sink. He swore quietly but fluently, sweeping the ones on the counter into his hand to put back in the bottle and choosing to ignore the ones in the sink. Claude approached cautiously from where he’d been, in the doorway of Danny’s bedroom.
“That’s the second time you’ve done that today. I’m not that scary.”
Danny glared at him. “Well, maybe if you’d stop fucking sneaking up on me!”
“I haven’t been sneaking up on you. You’ve just been tripping out. So spill it. What did the bitch want?” He refrained from making a comment about how she was still the mother of his children and deserved respect (his usual spiel) because he wasn’t feeling generous enough towards her to think that she merited defending. And besides, he definitely called her worse in his head.
“She thinks we’re sleeping together,” he said quietly. He took two of the pills and threw them in his mouth. His head hurt like a mother and he had the sinking feeling this conversation wasn’t going to make it better.
“What’d you say?” Claude Giroux was normally 170 pounds of hockey-playing attitude and so it struck Danny exactly how cautiously the question came out, like he didn’t want to know the answer. He looked at the other man’s reflection in the mirror. Claude’s gaze was steady but sad and Danny turned to him.
“The truth. That we’re not.”
“That’s not the whole truth.” Danny closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to stem back the thoughts that began pounding the sides of his skull at the words.
I’m old enough to know better.
We have to think about the boys.
The media would have a field day.
What if you get traded?
We can’t.
“Danny….” Claude put a hand over where his was braced on the counter. He moved closer until his mouth was inches away from Danny’s own.
“We can’t,” he said, looking into the taller man’s eyes. He just stared back, waiting. Being patient, like he had been from the start. Waiting on Danny to make the first move.
He reached up a hand to tangle in ginger curls before pulling Claude closer and pressing their mouths together, something that he told himself was the exact opposite of what he should have done. It wasn’t their first kiss, not by a long shot, but there was a new desperate edge to it. Who that desperation stemmed from, Danny didn’t know and really couldn’t bring himself to care. It made it extremely difficult to pull away but he made his living off of making his body do what he wanted it to.
“No. We’ve talked about this. And I just told her that we’re not… So we’re not. And we won’t.”
Claude hummed noncommittally then pressed a chaste kiss to Danny’s lips.
“You’re intent on making a liar of me,” Danny said, trying to be stern but his small smile giving him away.
“You’ve been making a liar of me for months, every time I deny being the boys’ step-mom.” Claude kissed him again, both smiling now.
“Shit, the boys,” Danny gasped, pulling completely away from him. “I need to go talk to them. Is Cam still pissed off?”
“Last time I saw him, most definitely. He wouldn’t tell me what she said and the other two made themselves scarce about the time he started talking about the fight so….” He made a face. Danny sighed and touched a hand to his forehead.
“All right, I’ll go deal with this.”
-
Danny knocked on the doorframe of his youngest boy’s room. Cameron looked up from the book he was glaring at more than he was reading. “You ok?” His glare only intensified.
“I’m mad,” he informed his father succinctly. Danny bit back a smile and nodded.
“At your mom?”
“I don’t like when she says bad things about you.” Danny entered the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Cameron sat up from the position he had been reading in, sprawled out on his stomach with his head propped up by his arms. “She said that you shouldn’t be with Claude and said some words that you told me were really nasty.” He looked up at his dad with his big eyes and Danny was struck again with just how much he loved his kids, how far he’d go for them, how much he wanted to protect them from all the unpleasant parts of life.
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it and she told me to tell you that she was sorry.”
“Saying sorry doesn’t make it ok!” Danny held out an arm towards Cam, who looked at him balefully but shifted and settled until he was curled into his dad’s side. “I’m too old for this,” he told Danny’s shoulder.
“I’m gonna tell you a secret, ok?” He felt Cam perk up and rolled his eyes. “You’re never too old for hugs.”
“Dad,” he moaned, feeling ripped off. “That’s not a secret secret.”
“Maybe I don’t know what a secret secret is then. You’ll have to give me an example of one. Like, what you and your mom argued about?”
“You’re not sneaky,” Cam notified him. He just waited. “She called Claude a nasty word for a gay guy.”
“Oh,” Danny said calmly. Internally, it was twisting his stomach, making him nauseous. The painkillers had yet to kick in and his head just pounded that much more ominously. “Why?”
“Because Caelan said something about you guys being more couple-y lately. I don’t think he meant to say it because he covered his mouth and he and Carson looked at each other but Mom flipped. She called Claude the bad word and said that you were bad for letting him live with us but I like him living with us and I told her she shouldn’t say words like that and then she said that you were making us not like her and I got really mad. She said really mean things and you told me to stand up when people are saying things I don’t like so I did.” He curled further into his father’s side and said in a small voice, “I’m mad at her but I don’t want her to hate me.” Danny squeezed him tight to his chest.
“Your mother loves you and your brothers more than anything in this world and there’s nothing you can say that will make her hate you. She gets mad just like everybody else and she said some things she regrets but she doesn’t hate you. She’ll never hate you. Nothing about this is your fault.”
“Why does she not want you to be with Claude?”
“She doesn’t know him very well. I messed up when I didn’t talk to her about Claude moving in and she’s taking that out on him. We all make mistakes when we’re scared.”
“Claude’s not scary.”
“I know that but she doesn’t. How would you like it if someone that your mom works with just randomly moved in with her and you didn’t know them?”
Cameron pulled his head off his dad’s shoulder to give him a reproving look. “I’d give them a chance and be polite. I’m not an idiot, I know how to act around strangers.” Danny laughed a little as he pressed a kiss to Cam’s forehead (a kiss that he tried unsuccessfully to squirm away from).
“I know you do. And your mom does too. She just needs a little refresher course sometimes.”
“Then I’ll give her one,” Cam said firmly, pulling out of his father’s arms. “Ok, you got it out of me, now go away. I want to read.” Danny ignored Cam’s indignant squawk as he ruffled his son’s hair but got up to leave.
“Love you, buddy,” he reminded him.
“Love you too.”
He turned the corner leaving Cam’s room and ran smack into Claude.
“You didn’t tell him we weren’t together.”
“What?” Danny asked, confused. Then he blushed. “No, I-”
“You’re wearing my jacket,” Claude added, smiling. He fisted his hands in bright orange nylon, the number 28 picked out in white thread on the right shoulder.
“Oh,” Danny said, looking down absently. “I just grabbed it when-”
“You didn’t tell him we weren’t together and you’re wearing my jacket.”
“Yeah, well-” He didn’t get to finish the statement because there was another mouth on his own and he was responding before he could register why that maybe wasn’t such a good idea.
“Oh my God,” Caelan said as he walked by, looking up from his phone to watch as the two men sprung apart. “Get a room, jeez.” He rolled his eyes dramatically. Danny, however, turned crimson and looked frantically between Caelan and Claude before stuttering something and hurrying away down the staircase. Caelan stopped and looked back at Claude. “He knows I was joking, right? I don’t care.”
“But he does,” Claude told him. “He cares a lot what you boys are exposed to.”
“We have HBO,” was the unimpressed reply and Claude started laughing. He didn’t stop until Caelan looked at him like he was a lunatic and went to his room, closing the door behind him. Claude leaned against the wall of the hallway and considered his life and his choices.
-
Danny woke with a start to someone pounding on his door. He glanced at his clock (it was all of 7:23 in the morning) before jumping out of bed and ripping the door open. Claude stood there, grinning at him.
“Hi,” he said. “The boys are with their mother and we have an off day. That means I’m making good on my promise and taking you to breakfast.” His smile was literally smacked off as a fist connected solidly with his chest, making him expel his breath with an “Oof”. Danny’s head followed soon after as he collapsed on Claude, arms coming up automatically to wrap themselves around the other man’s body.
“It’s seven in the fucking morning,” Danny said, voice muffled by Claude’s shirt. Danny’s whole body shook as Claude’s laugh made his chest heave. “I have no kids today, nothing to do, no practice to attend, and you wake me up at 7 in the fucking morning for….?”
“To go to breakfast, like I promised you last week.” Danny moaned into his chest.
“Why?” he whined. Claude’s chest shook again in a laugh but his hand came up from where it had been on Danny’s hip to cradle the back of his head.
“Because if we go now, we are less likely to run into a ton of people who recognize us.” Danny whined wordlessly and fell forward a bit as Claude pulled away from him. He bodily turned the older man around and shoved him back through his bedroom door, swatting him on the ass as he went.
“Go get dressed and I’ll see you downstairs in ten minutes!” Danny flipped him off but Claude watched him walk into his en-suite before heading downstairs himself. Five minutes later, Danny flopped down on a barstool at the breakfast bar. His head hit the counter but he was dressed and Claude counted it a win.
“I see where the boys get it now.”
Danny’s middle finger was the only response he got and he laughed into his coffee. “Ready to get going?” Danny groaned but stood. Claude ushered him into the driveway and practically poured him into the passenger’s seat. Danny glared at the sun coming up over the horizon then glared at Claude, as if the brightness of the sun was completely his fault. In a way, it was. Danny would have been viewing the sunrise from behind his eyelids if Claude hadn’t decided he needed to take him to breakfast for some reason that he imagined he once knew but couldn’t remember anymore.
“IHOP ok?” Claude asked, tone making it clear that it wasn’t really a question.
“You’re dragging me all the way to Cherry Hill?” Danny moaned. Claude just smiled. “Ginger demon.”
“Shut up or I won’t pay for yours.” Danny glared at him.
“I’m perfectly capable of paying for the breakfast you’re dragging me too.”
“Yeah but then I wouldn’t technically be taking you to breakfast.”
“Then shut up with your empty threats.” It was about then that it dawned on Danny. “Wait… is this a date?” Claude turned a little red but nodded.
“Is that ok?”
“Yeah,” Danny said quietly. “That’s ok.” Claude didn’t take his eyes off the road but smiled hugely.
-
The waitress who seated them was the false kind of chipper that restaurants always seem to hire for morning shifts when everyone sane was hissing at sunlight and begging for caffeine. Or maybe that was just Danny. Her thousand-watt smile dimmed to a gently amused, much more genuine grin as he asked for coffee and barely resisted resting his head against the tabletop (one, because it was rude and two, because it was gross).
“Little too early for you?” she asked kindly. He nodded pitifully and she barely kept in a laugh. She looked about 20, blonde and blue-eyed, and her name tag read Cassie.
“Old man,” Claude said, teasing. She put her hands on her hips and scolded Claude playfully.
“He is not. He can’t be older than 30. You, on the other hand…” Claude faked looking offended but they were all smiling as she walked away. Claude ducked his head and smiled his crooked smile at Danny and Danny had to turn away, feeling his face heat up. He saw Cassie headed back their way with a coffee pot, unashamedly checking Claude out as she came over. She left them with their menus after filling Danny’s mug with the necessary caffeine before he informed Claude that she had been.
“Really?” he said, not looking up from his menu. Danny started at him.
“Yeah. I mean, she’s cute, right? And about your age and-” Claude’s menu hit the table with the slap of plastic on plastic and Danny jumped, surprised.
“Please tell me you’re not trying to hook me up with a girl when we’re on a date.” Danny opened his mouth to reply and then closed it again. Claude just looked at him, equal parts amused and disappointed.
“I just… you’d be better off, you know. You wouldn’t have to sneak around and she’s closer to your age than I am and-”
“Shut up,” Claude told him, none too gently. “I’m here with you. I want you. That’s how it is.”
“But why?” Danny asked, pressing. He leaned towards Claude across the table. “You could have-”
Cassie chose that moment to come back, smiling insanely bright again. “Ready to order, guys?” Danny broke eye contact with Claude to give her the smile that he reserved for fans and the press. He ordered pretty much the first thing he saw and handed her the menu and waited for Claude to do the same. As soon as she had walked away, he started up again. “Seriously. I’m a thirty-three year old father of three. Why are you dating me and not her? Or some guy your age? Because you don’t know Burke very well but he’s a good guy and he’d help you out with the league and the press if that’s what you wanted-”
“You don’t listen very well, do you?” he asked conversationally, cutting Danny off mid-rant. “I want you. Not some random girl, not some random guy. You, Danny.”
“Oh,” he said quietly. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “You’re just… you and the boys are everything I want.” Danny opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. Claude smiled at him, the soft smile he got whenever Cam was a ball of righteous indignation over something or Caelan claimed to be old enough to stay up until 2 am on weekends. “Is that ok with you?” Danny just nodded. Claude changed the subject to their upcoming games and the game the day before, taunting him about being chirped by the Vice President of the freaking United States. They got their food eventually, Cassie flirting openly with Claude, who just smiled at her. Claude smacked Danny’s hand when he reached for the bill when they were done so Danny just rolled his eyes at him and let him pay.
When they got in the car, Danny leaned over and kissed Claude. He didn’t protest when the younger man put his hand on the back of Danny’s neck, changing the angle and deepening the kiss. Maybe it wasn’t smart to let Claude control the kiss because they were in public after all but Danny couldn’t bring himself to care. “Thanks for the date,” Danny said a little breathlessly as they broke apart eventually.
Claude pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “It doesn’t have to be over. We could do something else now? We’ve got a few more hours until we have to go get the boys.”
Danny didn’t know why he answered the way he did. Maybe it had been the date, maybe it had been Claude’s response to his questioning of why he wanted him, or maybe it was the “we”, the fact that they would be doing even the mundane things like going to pick up the boys together. Whatever the reason, he looked Claude dead in the eye and said, “I want you to take me home.” He placed his hand on Claude’s upper thigh, just to make sure that his meaning was clear.
“Oh,” Claude said before mechanically putting on his seatbelt and putting the car in gear. He stopped and looked at Danny with a panicked look in his eyes. “Are you sure?”
Danny laughed. “Just drive. We can talk when we get there.”
-
There wasn’t much talking when they got there. The door had barely closed behind him before Claude had him pressed into it. He pressed his lips to the older man’s own and Danny didn’t even think before responding. Claude broke the kiss, their mouths making a slick sound as they disconnected.
“You have to tell me no now if you’re going to. I just… Danny, I can’t.” Danny silenced him by kissing him again.
“I’m not going to tell you no.” Claude stared at him for a long moment, trying to find something in his face. The movement was sudden when Claude reached out to grab Danny’s wrist. He began tugging Danny towards the stairs, who went along good-naturedly until he suddenly broke out of Claude’s grip. He turned to look at him then felt more than saw Danny race ahead of him only to stop with one foot on the third stair and look back at the younger man with a smile.
“You’re getting slow,” he teased and Claude bolted after him. They got distracted the few times Danny let himself be caught on the way to his bedroom and Claude pressed him into the nearest wall, crowding him in in a way Danny had never experienced before.
When they finally made it to Danny’s bedroom, they were both half hard and had bruised lips to show for their tussles on the stairs and in the hallway. Claude pushed Danny on the bed and yanked his shirt over his head before joining him, coming up to rest in between Danny’s legs.
“Hi,” he said, looking him in the eye.
“Hi,” Danny replied breathlessly. He arched up underneath Claude to kiss him again and Claude rolled his hips in reply, causing Danny to pull away to gasp out the younger man’s name in a stuttering breath. “Fuck…” Claude moved his hands under Danny’s t-shirt, fingers exploring the lines of muscle he found there.
“This needs to go,” he informed Danny as he pushed the fabric up until it bunched underneath his arms. At that point, Danny grabbed it himself and pulled it off, the shirt ending up chucked in the direction of the door. “Much better.” He went back to giving Danny’s torso the attention it deserved with hands and mouth, dotting it with kisses and licks and bites. Danny bucked his hips, bringing them together in a way that had Claude biting down maybe a little too hard on Danny’s shoulder but he just moaned and pressed Claude’s head closer to his neck.
He moved down the older man’s body, the bit of scruff that he hadn’t bothered to shave off that morning leaving red and sensitive skin in its wake. When he reached the waistband of Danny’s jeans, he looked up at him with a look full of dirty promise.
“Can I get rid of these?”
“Only if yours are gone too,” Danny replied, reasonably proud of the fact that his voice didn’t quiver like he thought it was going to. Claude grinned at him anyway and moved to pop the button of Danny’s jeans. The older man’s hips bucked instinctively into the pressure of Claude’s hand as he pulled the zipper down slowly and Claude’s grin widened.
“Eager?” Danny glared at him.
“Just-” and he was cut off by Claude grabbing his jeans by the seat and yanking roughly. He shifted his legs to get them further down until he could kick them off, Claude helping them on their journey down. He stood back, kicking Danny’s jeans away before sliding his own off his hips. He moved to get back on the bed then thought better of it, stepping away again to enjoy the picture Danny made: spread out on the comforter, naked except for his boxer-briefs where his erection was tenting the front. Danny made an indignant noise but didn’t move. Claude smirked at him and pushed his own underwear off his hips before crawling back on top of Danny, completely naked this time. He slide his hands up Danny’s thighs until he found the edge of the fabric there and began tugging lightly, causing little shifting movements. Danny’s head fell back against the bed and he let out a whine that went straight to Claude’s dick.
“Ok, hold on, needy. I’m not gonna leave you hanging, I promise.”
He pulled at Danny’s underwear firmly, moving slowly until the fabric was bunched around his knees and then yanked them off and threw them without looking. He sat between Danny’s thighs, hands sliding up bare skin to grab the back of his knees and hike them up. The older man’s dick moved with the shift in position, drawing Claude’s attention to it.
“Danny, can I-” He seemed to answer his own question as he pressed a kiss to the skin on the lowest part of Danny’s stomach, causing Danny to buck his hips up in search of friction. Claude pressed his hands into Danny’s hips to keep him still, the older man moaning at the pressure.
“Please,” he said, voice shaking. Claude pressed a kiss to the place where his hip met his left leg then another on his inner thigh before repeating the process on the other side. Danny writhed under his hands, throwing his head back.
“Claude!” The younger man shushed him but licked the head of his cock. Danny let out a sound that could only be described as a scream, hands clenching in the sheets. The sound turned Claude on more than he had thought possible. He absolutely had to do that again.
One of Danny’s hand flew towards Claude but he pulled it back at the last second to put it back where it had been twisting in the sheets.
“You can put your hands in my hair if you want.”
Danny opened his eyes to meet Claude’s. He stared back with an intensity that Danny had rarely seen off the ice. He reached up to grab one of Danny’s hands and pressed a kiss to the palm before placing it on his head. Fingers tangled in curls automatically and Claude smiled before cautiously, carefully taking the head into his mouth. The noises Danny was making prompted Claude to take as much of him in as possible but moved too fast and had to pull off, coughing.
“Are you all right?” Claude felt his face heating up in a blush.
“Shut up.” He tried again, going slower so as to not make himself look like even more of an idiot.
He wasn’t good at this by any means. He’d known that he was bisexual (or indiscriminant, really) since he was about 16 but there hadn’t much chance to be with too many people, guys in specific. Hockey just took up too much time. He’d messed around with a few guys in Juniors and in high school but once he’d hit the big time, it was safer to just… not. No matter what strides organizations like You Can Play were making, they were nowhere near the place the league (and the country he lived and played in) needed to be for him feel safe hooking up with or dating guys. So he’d mostly been with girls and that was fine before he’d gotten close to Danny and fallen ass over teakettle for the divorcé. And now he had him where he wanted him, at long last, begging and writhing under his hands and mouth.
It was a while before Claude realized that the litany of noises coming out of Danny actually included words, a stuttered mix of French and English. He was telling Claude how beautiful he was, how good and how sweet. One of his hands had left Claude’s hair and he thumbed at the corner of his mouth, feeling how it was stretched around him. The action did it for Claude in ways he didn’t want to think about and he thrust against the bed, seeking something to ease the tension. Danny, even in his haze, noticed the motion and pulled gently on Claude’s hair until he pulled off and away. He tugged again, guiding him up until their mouths met. Danny kissed him thoroughly then pushed at Claude’s chest, moving him to his side. Claude’s cock nudged Danny’s stomach and he smirked against the younger man’s lips before taking him in hand, swallowing his moan with his own mouth. He hurried to do the same for Danny and they kissed as they tried to get the other off. Danny would break the kiss every once in a while to nip playfully at Claude’s neck, his shoulders, his earlobes. He just held on to the dark-haired man that much more frantically. When they came, Danny first and then Claude tumbling over the edge himself, Claude tucked himself into Danny’s side, limbs flopping over the shorter man. Both just ignored the mess, knowing they’d have to move later but not willing to deal with it quite yet. Danny should have figured Claude for a cuddler. He wasn’t content to just cuddle, though, still trying to push Danny’s buttons. He kissed and sucked at the older man’s neck, tongue and teeth playing with sensitive skin below his jaw. Danny hissed, hands coming up to once again wind their way into ginger curls.
“Shit, Claude.”
“Hmm, that’s what I like to hear.” Danny could feel the smile against his skin and couldn’t help but smile back.
“Asshole,” he said, because he had to. So they’d had sex. He wasn’t going to let that change them. They were still Danny and Claude, just with an added facet to their relationship. He was having a difficult time remembering why he’d ever thought this was a bad idea.
Until he wasn’t.
“I guess this means I’m lying to her now,” he said quietly. Claude didn’t ask which her but pushed himself up on his elbows to lean over and look down at Danny.
“If you ever mention your ex after sex ever again, I will dead-arm you so hard you won’t regain feeling for a week.” Danny had to smile at the serious look on Claude’s face before wrapping a hand around Claude’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss.
“Deal,” he said simply.
“Does that mean there is going to be a next time?” Claude asked as he flopped back onto his side. Danny turned, kissed him again, before teasing, “Give me ten minutes and I’ll be up for ‘next time’ right now.”
“Ten minutes?” Claude scoffed. “Not likely, old man. Me, maybe, but you…”
“Oh, really?” Danny asked, unholy glint in his eyes. “Old man, am I?”
“Yeah,” Claude taunted, eyebrow quirking up. He pushed himself up and straddled the older man, rolling his hips. They both hissed at over-sensitized skin making contact. Danny went to flip them but underestimated exactly how much room they had left between them and the edge of the bed and the world tipped sideways, both men landing on the hardwood floor. They looked at each other for a few seconds before cracking up, laughing in between kisses as Claude moved to cuddle against Danny again. Suddenly, Claude pushed himself up to look Danny in the eye, smile growing wider.
"You realize that you totally just put out on the first date," he informed Danny. Danny gave him a look, one that barely hid how amused he was, and then Claude cracked up and Danny started laughing too.
"Asshole," Danny repeated, smiling yet.
-
Danny couldn’t help but smile every time he glanced over at Claude sitting in the passenger’s seat. The radio was playing something horrible that Claude claimed was a good song and whatever, it was Danny’s kid that had gotten it stuck in his head in the first place, and Danny just let him, too happy to argue about something like the radio. He’s pretty sure he just heard the phrase “lovesick crackhead”, though, proving that Claude should never have music control in the car (neither should Cam, for that matter).
“Stop looking at me like that,” Claude said but he was grinning back.
“Like what? I’m not looking at you any specific way. This is how I look at you.” Danny tried to smother his smile but couldn’t quite manage it, eyes trained on the road as he drove. Claude just kept watching him, both of them smiling like idiots. Claude looked away but began singing along to the song. Or pretending to. He was pretty sure those weren’t actually the words but he just laughed.
When they pulled up in Sylvie’s driveway, blocking in the two other cars parked there, Claude moved to get out.
“Uh…” Danny began but Claude just looked at him and let go of the door handle.
“Go get ‘em then. I’ll stay here.” Danny gave him an apologetic look and got out. He heard screaming when he knocked on the door and suddenly it was being ripped open and three boys where throwing themselves on him.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” he asked, laughing. Sylvie was standing behind them, smiling herself.
“They were helping me clean up the absolute mess they made making personal pizzas last night.”
“It was horrible!” Carson groaned. He hugged his dad again and Danny could see little soap bubbles in a clump in his hair. He brushed them away, ruffling Carson’s hair as he did so. He reached down to grab Cameron’s duffle bag, ignoring his claim that he could carry it himself because he had seen the way his nine-year-old struggled under its weight, and told his boys to put their crap in the car. All three trailed after him like ducklings, packing all of their belongings into the SUV. Because their parents had joint custody, they had a lot of stuff at their mother’s house and their father’s and only took things like books and hockey equipment back and forth. They had even less with them this time because they would only be staying with Danny for the one night before he had to leave on a six-day road trip. It had become tradition that they would go out for dinner the night before Danny had to leave if a road trip was longer than three days. It had started with Sylvie before the boys were born and it was just part of what they did. It had almost been one of the things that fell by the wayside during the divorce but after Cameron had confided in Danny that he missed it, he had made sure to do it.
“Oh, crap! I forgot my paper!” Caelan said, running back into the house to grab it.
“Anybody else forget anything?” Danny asked. Cameron and Carson both looked at each other then took off towards the house. Danny walked back towards it, huffing a laugh.
“They forgot things,” he informed Sylvie. She smiled.
“I figured.” Her smile slipped a little and then was replaced by a look that Danny couldn’t name, half concerned and half confused. She reached out towards him and he blinked at her as she gently grabbed his chin and turned his head. He broke out of her grasp to turn his head back towards her face when he heard the sharp intake of breath.
“You lied to me,” she said quietly. Realizing what she had seen, he swore internally. Claude had gone after his neck pretty well and he hadn’t thought to tell him not to leave marks.
“I didn’t. We weren’t… I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me about something that affects my children. That’s not OK, Danny.” Her voice was the kind of quiet that Danny recognized after over a decade of marriage, the quiet that came right before she lost it and started screaming.
“I didn’t mean to. We weren’t anything when we talked and it’s new and I’m not sure it’s going to last-”
“All the more reason you needed to tell me!” she hissed, starting to lose it. The yelling wouldn’t be far behind. “If you break up and it’s bad, you think that won’t affect them? Really?”
“What would you have me do?” Danny’s temper was coming out too and he really didn’t want to have an argument standing in the doorway of his ex-wife’s house with (his boyfriend? his lover?) Claude sitting in the car twenty feet away.
“He needs to go,” she said, simply but firmly. “You can stay together, you can do whatever the hell you want with him, but he needs to be out of the house where my boys live until you figure your shit out. We can’t put them through another fight like that. I won’t let you hurt them like that again.”
“Don’t put that entirely on me-”
“I’m not but this time it is on you. Danny, please. You know you can’t.” He opened his mouth to respond just as the kids came around the corner, assorted things in their hands.
“Tell your mother goodbye,” was all he said, voice tight. Caelan gave him an odd look but all the boys did as he said, kissing her before running to get in the car.
“Think about what I said.” He turned away, shaking his head slightly, and she grabbed his wrist. “I don’t want to hurt you and I know you don’t want to hurt them. But it’s for the best. You know I’m right.” He broke out of her grasp without looking at her and got into the car.
“You ok?” Claude asked quietly as Danny started the car. He bit the inside of lip and shook his head. Claude nodded but didn’t say anything else. He caught a glimpse of his own reflection and he understood why Claude had asked: he looked dead. He felt it too, exhausted and angry and just so done.
-
When they got back to the house, the boys went into the living room, rushing to pull out the video games. Knowing Sylvie, they all had their homework done and Danny wasn’t in the mood to fight with them about anything. He walked up the stairs to his bedroom and stood in the doorway. He made a face at his bed before approaching it and stripping the sheets off and rolling them into a ball. Claude was leaning against the wall at the top of the stairs, waiting for Danny to come out. Danny barely glanced at him as he went back down the stairs with the ball of sheets, all but stomping into the laundry room. He threw them in the washer, put the detergent in (probably more than was strictly necessary but who gave a shit?), turned on the machine… and basically collapsed against it, his hands the only thing separating his forehead from the top of the washer. Claude had followed him into the room and called his name softly. Danny didn’t look up.
“It’s ok, Danny,” Claude said soothingly, reaching out to put a hand on Danny’s back. He swatted the hand away and rounded on the younger man.
“Everyone keeps telling me ‘It’s fine, it’s ok!’ It’s not fucking ok! Nothing’s been ok and everything’s fucked up and I don’t know what I’m doing!” he snapped.
“Is this about the boys?”
“About the boys, about Sylvie, about you! I just…” He ran a hand through his hair, all the fight leaving him. “I’m screwing things up with all of you. I already screwed things up with Sylvie, which is why she’s fucking dating someone else. The boys are going to hate me if this shit keeps up and you… I can’t even guess about what you think about me.”
“Danny-”
“I’m trying to do right by all of you and I just keep making things worse. I don’t… I’m jerking you around, basically, and I have no right to, you’ve no obligation to me, I’m just too selfish to tell you to leave, and I-”
Claude kissed him, hands pressed to his cheeks. Danny made a slight noise of protest but chased Claude’s mouth when he pulled away. He wrapped one hand around the back of Claude’s neck and put the other on his hip, using both to drag him closer. Claude let Danny set the pace, let him taken what he needed from him. It wasn’t long, far too soon in Claude’s opinion, before Danny pulled his head back, moving to rest his forehead on Claude’s shoulder. He was shaking his head into the fabric of Claude’s shirt, hand still on the back of his neck in a position that he knew couldn’t be comfortable for Danny. His thumb gently rubbed his hairline, though, so he wouldn’t say anything, just let Danny take his time to process.
“I told you. I’m selfish. I’m not going to be willing to let you go now.”
“Don’t I get a say?” he asked, mouth pressed into Danny’s hair. He looked up, something that could only be called fear in his eyes, and Claude smiled. “I’m saying that I’m not going anywhere, you freak. Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said to you in the last month? You couldn’t push me away if you tried.”
“But Sylvie….” Claude stiffened in his arms.
“What about her?” Danny buried himself further into Claude’s embrace.
“She wants you gone.” He said it quietly, like maybe the softer he said it the softer the blow would be. If that was the case, he was dead wrong.
“And what did you say?” Claude was pissed, he could tell. It was no surprise really. He wouldn’t be happy if he was in Claude’s place.
“I… I didn’t.”
Claude pushed Danny away from his body but didn’t release his shoulders. “You didn’t? What do you mean, you didn’t?”
“The boys came out and we left and I-”
“You didn’t tell her ‘no’? That you’re a grown-ass man capable of making his own decisions about who he is and isn’t with?”
“It’s not the dating you thing. It’s you living here.”
He scoffed. “I shouldn’t be surprised. She’s wanted me gone from the moment I moved in and now you’re going to let her win. Why?”
“It’s not a fight I would win and frankly, I don’t need the extra stress that fighting with her will bring,” Danny snapped in return.
“I’m not worth it, you mean.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“You’re the most clutch player in the entire fucking NHL. You’re Mister fucking Playoffs. You can’t handle your ex-wife stressing you out a little bit? You know how to react to pressure: you kick its ass and get whatever it was you wanted!”
“I’m trying to raise three boys!”
“So am I in case you hadn’t noticed!” Danny stared at him, shocked into silence with the realization that, yeah, he really was. “You need to decide if you want us to work. If you do, then nothing can stand in our way. But if you don’t, we can’t. The end.”
“And you putting this on me is exactly what I fucking need right now! Sylvie wants you gone and is more than likely willing to take this to court again to see it done. I…” His voice cracked. “I can’t lose my boys. I just can’t.”
“I’m not asking you to run the risk-”
“But you are! It’s them or you and I can’t choose you! You see that, don’t you? I should have never… I thought I could… I don’t know, be happy with you but my kids have to come first!”
“I get that.” Danny jerked his head in a derisive scoff. “No, I do! Don’t you get it? Those kids might as well be mine. I love them like they are. So this isn’t about the kids or Sylvie. This is about you.”
“What about me? Do you think I don’t want you here?”
“I don’t know, do you? ‘Cause you’re really failing to fucking act like it! The first sign of trouble and you head for the hills?”
“I can’t drag this through court again! That was two years of hell for my kids and I won’t do it!”
“I’m not asking you to! Talk to Sylvie! Make her change her mind!”
“You know that won’t help, she’s stubborn as hell-”
“So you won’t even try?!” He grabbed Danny’s shirt in his hands as his voice broke. “Fight for me, dammit.”
“Claude…”
Claude shook his head. “No, you know what, fuck it. Fuck you.” He left the room and headed up the stairs, Danny trailing behind cautiously. Claude strode into the guest room, the room that had been his in this house he’d come to call home and begin throwing clothes into his suitcase.
“What are you doing, Claude, stop,” Danny protested, voice weak even to his own ears. Claude ignored him until he had thrown a good chuck of his clothes into the bag and zipped it up.
“I’ll be at Hartsy’s or a hotel or somewhere. I think it’s in everyone’s best interests that I don’t live with you for a while.”
“We have a road trip in two days.” That wasn’t at all what Danny had meant to say but it was what his mouth decided to produce.
“Then I’ll see you at fucking practice,” he snapped before picking up the handle of his suitcase and dragging it behind him down the stairs to the door. Danny followed him silently all the way there and stood in the driveway as he watched him pull away. He stood out there for a few minutes before walking back into the house and closing the door quietly behind him.
“Dad?” Caelan asked, standing in the entryway holding what looked like his paper. “Can you check this over for me?”
“Sure,” he said, giving what he thought could be a smile. Given the way Caelan threw his arms around Danny’s waist in response, it hadn’t been a very convincing.
“It’s ok, Dad,” he said and Danny bit his cheek to fight back tears. He just nodded and hugged his son tighter.
-
After dropping the boys off at school, Danny headed over to the rink for practice. They’d had a day off the day before and would be catching a plane that night to Buffalo. It was always a weird experience playing against an old team but it had been a long time since he’d worn that blue sweater. He had liked being a Sabre but that was behind him now.
He managed to avoid Claude through the entire practice. He wasn’t naïve enough to think no one had noticed but nobody had said anything and for that he was grateful.
It couldn’t last. Of course it couldn’t.
The guys were taking off all their gear when Claude started making noises about his stick and needing Danny’s help and grabbed Danny by the elbow and steered him into the equipment room that was across the hall from the locker room. Nobody else was in there, thankfully, as Claude just informed Danny, “I’m still mad at you but I’m willing to hear an apology.”
“I’m sure you are,” Danny snapped, “but I’m not quite sure what you think makes you deserve one.”
“Wait, you’re mad at me? What the hell?”
“Yeah, I’m mad at you! You said I couldn’t push you away and then you packed a bag and left ten minutes later. What the fuck am I supposed to think? How would that lead me to believe that you’re in it for the long haul?! I couldn’t even trust you to be there the next day because, guess what, you weren’t.”
“No, hang on, I’m the mad one here. You didn’t fight for me!”
“And you were pretty quick to throw in the towel yourself!”
“You’d already made your decision so what was I supposed to-”
Danny made a choking noise. “Made my decision?” he sputtered. “You made my decision, asshole, when you walked out the front door. I was trying to talk to you so that we could decide what to do. And then you threw a fucking tantrum and left! I never wanted to… to break up or whatever. That wasn’t what I was trying to say but you freaked out and didn’t let me finish.”
“You told me Sylvie wanted me gone and that you weren’t going to fight her!”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t fight, I said I wouldn’t see it go to court.”
“Same fucking thing!”
The door opened and Carter stuck his head in. “You guys ok? We heard yelling.”
“Fine,” Danny snapped and brushed past him, leaving the room and Claude behind. He walked back into the locker room to finish hauling off the rest of his gear.
“Trouble in paradise?” Hartsy asked like the asshole he essentially was as Danny walked through the center of the room.
“Fuck off,” Danny said but attempted a smile to keep up appearances. It worked enough that the guys laughed.
Carts, however, grabbed him by the back of the shirt as he made for the parking lot. “Walk with me,” he said in a tone that made it clear argument wouldn’t be borne well.
“So, Danny,” he said, slinging an arm over Danny’s shoulders as they walked. “You haven’t been out with me and the guys in a while.”
“No, I…” Danny looked away. “Um.”
“It’s ok, I get it. Sometimes you just don’t wanna go out. And you’ve got the boys. You could probably do with something good in your life, though. Are you seeing someone?” The question was asked of Danny but Carts was staring a hole in the back of Claude’s head, who was walking maybe 20 feet in front of them through the snow to the parking structure. He didn’t sound like he was really asking. He sounded like he knew.
“Um,” was Danny’s eloquent reply. Jeff sighed, as if vindicated but unhappy about it.
“Are you sure that’s smart?” he asked, much quieter than he’d been before.
“Smart? No. Smart is definitely not a word I would use to describe it.” Carts huffed a laugh and pulled Danny a little closer.
“Just be careful. Things like that, you need to keep quiet, ok? We live in a fishbowl. And it’s hard to keep this shit on lock after a while. Trust me.” Danny looked at him in askance but he just pulled away, waving his hand over his shoulder as he headed off towards his own car. Danny shook his head and accepted it as Jeff being Jeff and got in his car. He wanted to have a chance to nap after he finished packing and before he had to leave to catch his flight that night.
-
Danny loved his time in Buffalo, long ago as it felt. Some things still felt like home, though, and his heart twinged a little at the once-familiar sight of the city lights at night as the plane started its descent. His time there was done and he’d made his peace with that. He was thrilled to be playing with the Flyers. He loved his team and he’d fight for them but he’d put his heart and soul into Buffalo when he’d worn that C on their behalf. It was just after midnight when the wheels touched tarmac and it was about one when they reached their hotel, Laviolette telling them to turn in soon and to meet bright and early for morning skate.
The next day was a game day. There was something familiar and soothing about the process and routine of a game day. Everyone, even the people who weren’t superstitious, had their things. They had morning skate and then people dispersed to do their own thing. Most went back to the hotel to get food and then knock out for a couple of hours. Danny was among that group, as was Claude. They hadn’t talked since their fight in the equipment room back in Philly yesterday but Claude caught up with him in the hallway of the hotel. He jogged up to the older man and grabbed him by the elbow, directing him to the room that was a few doors down from Danny’s own room. Claude took out his key and unlocked the door, tugging Danny into the darkened room. Claude fumbled around on the wall, looking vain for a light switch before giving up and moving through the shadowed room to try to turn on a lamp on the side table. Danny noticed the dark shape at Claude’s ankles before Claude did and he called his name but it was too late. Claude tripped, biting it pretty hard onto the hotel floor. Danny rushed to the table in the corner to turn on the lamp and the suddenly brighter scene in the room including a gangly 23-year-old sprawled out over a suitcase and the floor.
“Are you all right?” Danny asked, concerned, as Claude pushed himself up. The younger man gave a little laugh.
“Yeah, I’m good. Clumsy but good.” Claude smiled his crooked smile up at Danny and Danny smiled back, wanting to forget that they were ever mad at each other. He held out a hand to him to help him up and Claude didn’t let go when he got to his feet.
“So, I talked to Lavvy this morning…” he began then trailed off. “The list of All-Stars came out today.”
“Are you on it?” Danny asked, eyes wide. Claude bit the corner of his lip and nodded. “Claude, that’s fantastic! I’m so proud of you, you deserve it so much!”
“You deserve it more!” Claude said, quietly intense. “You didn’t… they didn’t chose you and if I could give up my spot for you-”
Danny cut him off. “Don’t you dare. This is an honor and you’re going to go and show them exactly why they invited you in the first place.” Claude looked away from him petulantly and Danny was reminded of Cam and wondered who was rubbing off on who. He rolled his eyes and grabbed Claude’s chin, making him look at Danny. “Hey. You deserve this.” Claude’s mouth twisted for a moment before he lunged out and pressed his lips to Danny’s. Danny let him, knowing that the younger man needed some sort of reassurance.
“We still need to talk,” Danny reminded him gently, “but not about you making All-Stars. That has nothing to do with our issues.”
“Ok,” Claude said. “Ok.” He kissed Danny again. “I don’t want to give you another reason to be mad at me.”
“Hockey is something we keep separate from us, right? We’re not going to let any of this affect our game.” Claude nodded. “So we’ll talk after the game.”
“But…” Claude began. Danny cocked his head so Claude continued. “I want you to stop being mad at me.” Danny’s eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth to reply but Claude beat him to it. “I left because of you so I don’t think that you get to be mad about me leaving.”
“You… I… what?! I get to be mad whenever the fuck I get mad. And you walking out the fucking door is a damn good reason for me to get mad!”
“I wouldn’t have left if you just talked to me!”
“I was trying! Ugh, you know what, I’m done with this. I need to go. We’ll talk later.”
“This is what I’m talking about! You treat me like I’m not worth it to explain things to, to treat me like a fucking equal! I’m a grown man, Danny, you don’t get to treat me like I’m one of the boys!”
“Then stop fucking acting like one!” he snapped as he walked out the door, slamming it behind him and stomping over to his own door.
-
Danny is, in all things, a professional. No matter what personal shit was going on, whether it was the divorce or the crap with Claude or the apparent snub by the All-Star people (that had lasted less than a day, did it even count as a snub?), he was still going to play and play well. So he’s not surprised but quietly, viciously, vindicated when the puck hit the net and the siren blared. Maybe everything else was going to hell but this, hockey, this he could still do.
They won that night and Danny felt fantastic, even if it was against his old team. It’s always a weird experience being in a familiar arena sitting on the wrong bench but he’s had five years to get used to it and the feeling’s pretty faded by now. The reporters gathered around his stall in the visitor’s locker room and the smile he gave them was genuine. But as they trickled out and allowed Danny to actually get his gear off, he happened to look up and see Claude watching him. Claude looked away immediately but it was too late. Danny’s good mood was gone and he wanted nothing more than to go back to hotel, call the boys to say good night, and knock the fuck out.
Of course some of the guys guilted him into stopping at the hotel bar first but soon enough he was on his way to his room. He called the boys as soon as he left the bar even though it was already pushing 11:30. Caelan, unsurprisingly, was the only one awake so he just wished him good night and told him to tell his brothers the same. They exchanged “I love you”s and Danny started dreaming of his bed as soon as he hung up the phone.
His plans were destroyed when he got off the elevator to find a certain redhead waiting outside his door. Danny sighed heavily.
“Shouldn’t you be out, terrorizing Buffalo or something?” Danny asked and Claude jumped, clearly having been so deep in thought he hadn’t heard the elevator ding.
“That’s really always been more your thing than mine,” Claude said, smiling shyly.
“Not always,” he reminded him and Claude looked away.
“Yeah, well, I… wanted to see you.”
“What’s so special about me?” Danny asked as he opened the door. “You never really gave me a good answer. You could have your pick of any of the gorgeous people your age that Buffalo has to offer. And yet you’re here with me. Why?”
“You’re… different. Special. You’re you and nobody else has that.”
“That’s the cheesiest line I’ve ever heard,” Danny informed him, taking his suit jacket off and hanging it on the back of the chair. He looked up to find Claude’s eyes tracing his form underneath the dress shirt and he raised an eyebrow at him.
“You’re fucking beautiful. Is that what you want to hear?” Danny huffed and turned away.
“Yeah, ok. Don’t answer the question, that’s cool too.”
“I like you. Like, really like you,” Claude said. There was a hint of pleading in his voice as he searched Danny’s face for something. The tone went away suddenly as his expression turned stony. “Whatever, I get it. You don’t feel the same. That’s fine.” He shook his head. “You couldn’t have just told me that straight up, though? Instead of screwing me and then… Whatever.” He strode from where he’d been awkwardly standing in the middle of the room towards the exit.
“Claude, no, that’s not… I don’t…”
“No, you know what, this was stupid.” He reached for the door when Danny’s voice stopped him cold.
“You were right.” Claude froze with his hand on the knob. “Before. I was blaming Sylvie but it was me. I didn’t know what I wanted.”
“And do you know now?” he asked without turning around.
“Yes and no.”
“Danny-” Claude began, obviously frustrated and finally turning back to face him.
“No, let me finish. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t dated anyone since I was 19 years old and that was fucking long time ago. I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy. This is new territory for me, ok? So I don’t know what I’m supposed to want. But I know I want you. I want… I want to try whatever it is that we’re supposed to have when someone feels for someone else what I feel for you.”
Claude blinked at him a few times, forehead shifting as emotions darted across his face. He settled in this wide-eyed vulnerable look that had Danny’s heart twisting.
“And how do you feel about me?”
“I love you,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry I haven’t made that clear.” Claude blinked rapidly.
“You… you mean that? You’re not gonna take this back, pretend it never happened? Because if you do that to me again, Danny, so help me-”
“I won’t!” he rushed to assure him. “I fucked up and I’m trying and I just… I’m not gonna take it back.”
“Good,” Claude said smiling as he moved in for a kiss. Danny pulled away before he could.
“Don’t you have anything to say?” Claude blinked at him.
“I’m sorry I left. I shouldn’t have. But you weren’t exactly giving me reasons to stay.” Danny glared and pulled completely away from him.
“I’m sorry, are you still making your leaving my fault?”
“Well, it kind of was. If you had just told me-”
“Leaving was all you! If you weren’t so fucking insecure-”
“Like I could be anything else with you yanking me around!”
“Leaving was your choice! No one told you to go! In fact, I asked you to stay!”
“What the hell was I staying for? You hadn’t made a decision about me yet-”
“You left the day we had sex for the first time! Am I not supposed to take that personally?!”
Claude gave a bitter laugh. “Are you going to ask if that’s all you are to me?”
“I hope I know you well enough to know the answer without asking but then I never thought you’d walk out on me either.”
“No, you expected me to just be there waiting when you got around to having a use for me!”
“You told me you’d be there! I can’t fucking trust you!”
Claude froze, face falling. “Don’t… don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true! You promised you’d be there and you weren’t! What if, God forbid, something happened to the boys? You wouldn’t have been there if I needed you!”
“Fuck you! I would have been there the moment you called if something happened to the boys and you fucking know it!”
“But you wouldn’t have been with me! You wouldn’t have been the co-parent that you claim you are!”
“No, hang on, that’s like saying Sylvie isn’t a co-parent.”
“She isn’t! She hasn’t been since she fucked somebody else, don’t you get that?! I couldn’t count on her and now I can’t count on you! I guess I should be grateful that I discovered this before I….” He trailed off, still angry but quieter now. “It doesn’t matter.”
Claude grabbed him by the shoulders and Danny realized again exactly how much taller Claude was. It wasn’t a lot but sometimes it felt like it. “You can count on me.”
“How do you figure? Because-” Danny couldn’t finish the sentence because Claude was kissing him and Danny was honestly too tired to push him away. He just waited until Claude pulled back to say, “You can’t do that. I’ll forget I’m angry with you.”
“Good,” he said and kissed him again, harder this time. The second kiss snapped something inside of Danny and he shoved Claude away from him, the younger man’s back hitting the wall with a thud. Claude licked his mildly swollen lips and Danny shot him a look that had him pinned in place.
“Why do you want me so badly, huh?” he asked again, voice hard with a taunting edge. Claude shivered and closed his eyes at the sound. “What is it that’s so fucking special about me that’s even got you here?”
“Why didn’t you kick me out ages ago?” Claude shot back but his voice was breathy and there was barely any bite to it. Danny crowded Claude up against the wall and Claude gave a wordless moan when their bodies touched.
“I liked you,” Danny said against the taller man’s lips. “Then I loved you. I’m weak and couldn’t have told you to leave if I wanted to.” Claude opened his eyes and surged forward, trying to connect their mouths, but Danny had expected it and was ready for it, planting a hand in the middle of Claude’s chest and pushing him back against the wall. “Uh-uh,” he told him. “You’ll stay where I put you.” Claude bit his lip to cut short the high-pitched whine that tore itself from his throat at the words.
“Danny…” he began, his voice rough but quiet. It was almost pleading but held an edge, held some of Claude’s fighting spirit. Danny shushed him but ran a hand through the younger man’s hair. Claude leaned into the sign of affection like a cat. Danny’s hand came to rest on Claude’s cheek, his thumb toying with Claude’s lower lip. His tongue darted out and licked at the pad of Danny’s thumb and Danny pulled his hand away.
“What do you want?” he asked and Claude’s head hit the wall behind him dull thud.
“You,” he said simply. It was plaintive, begging him to understand. It was the answer to a question Danny hadn’t asked and it hit him hard when he realized it. He moved back into Claude’s space and pressed his lips to his jaw, his cheek, his nose, before moving on to his lips. Claude chased him when he pulled away but Danny pushed him back again. Claude huffed and tilted his head back until it hit the wall again.
“What do you want from me?”
Claude lowered his eyes until they locked with Danny’s and said in a moment of pure and total honesty. “Anything you’re willing to give me.” He didn’t look sad or pitiful; if anything, he looked resigned, like he’d made his choice a long time ago. He let out a sigh against Danny’s mouth when the older man grabbed him roughly by the back of the neck and pulled him closer to kiss the hell out of him. Danny pushed their bodies together as much as possible and their hips lined up and he discovered that, holy shit, Claude was hard.
“God, you’re easy for me,” he murmured into Claude’s neck. The words just slipped out. He hadn’t meant to say them but he couldn’t ignore the full-body shudder that shook the younger man at the words. Danny’s hand drifted to Claude’s waist and the younger man bucked his hips in response. He used the hand to press his hips back into the wall for a moment for moving towards Claude’s belt buckle. His fingers brushed the hard line of the zipper of his pants and Claude’s whole body jerked.
“Fuck,” he whined. “Danny.”
“Shhh,” Danny murmured, rubbing the thumb of his other hand over the taller man’s bottom lip, other fingers cradling his jaw. “These walls aren’t that thick. You’re going to have to be quieter.”
“Danny,” Claude said again, quieter this time, and Danny moved his other hand lower. Claude gasped out, “Fuck,” in little more than a harsh whisper and Danny smirked.
“That where you want me?” he asked, nipping at the side of Claude’s neck and watching as he relaxed into it, shifting his head the other way to give the older man better access.
“Ouais, merde, Danny.” Danny pressed his hand down harder and the younger man moaned loudly.
“Didn’t I tell you already to be quiet?” the older man questioned softly, mouth on Claude’s ear. His body jerked against Danny’s in response and he swallowed audibly. The hand that had cupped his jaw was now on Claude’s neck, pressing lightly, not enough to cut off any air but enough to be felt. His breath came out in gasps and pants anyway. Danny’s other hand worked to get Claude’s belt off one-handed, which seemed to be giving Danny more trouble than he was expecting but he kept at it. When he got it, he wasted no time in undoing the zipper and putting his hand where Claude wanted it. He thrashed under the hand that Danny still had on his neck and the older man found that Claude was biting his lip so hard that the skin around his teeth was turning pale. He reached up with the hand on his neck to coax the lip free of the taller man’s teeth, leaving a bit of blood on the older man’s thumb. Danny leaned forward and sucked hard on Claude’s lower lip, enjoying yet another tremor that rocked his body and pressed their hips together with Danny’s hand in Claude’s pants trapped between them.
Danny moved his hand again and Claude whined wordlessly against his ear. “You’re so good,” he informed the younger man, gripping harder and jerking him in earnest. “So easy for me, so good.” Claude could barely keep from sobbing when Danny pulled his hand away and then actually stepped back.
“Where are you-” Claude began but Danny shut him up with a raised eyebrow.
“Knowing you, you only brought two suits with you. It’s too early in the road trip to ruin one of them.” Claude gapped at him, brain working to keep up. When it clicked, he threw his jacket on a chair and started working quickly on his buttons. Danny tsked at him and came up to the younger man, knocking his hands out the way. “Impatient,” he chided. Finally all the buttons were undone and Claude worked at undoing his cufflinks while Danny shoved Claude’s pants off his hips. He smirked before dropping to his knees. He heard Claude suck in a breath above him and Danny looked up and smirked before working to remove his dress shoes and socks. He stood up as Claude stepped out of the mess of fabric at his ankles, wearing only form-fitting underwear now. Danny brushed his hand up the front of them and Claude’s arms shot out, grabbing onto Danny’s shoulders with an intensity that the older man hadn’t been expecting. Blunt nails pressed into his back and Danny pressed his lips to Claude’s in a gentling way. He used the distraction to work the taller man’s underwear off, leaving him completely naked before him while he had only removed his jacket. Claude seemed to realize this and bunched his hands in the fabric at Danny’s shoulders.
“You want this off?” Danny asked him quietly and Claude nodded mutely. Words seemed to be beyond him. That was ok. Danny didn’t need the words. “Ok,” he said, working on his buttons. The younger man stood there watching his hands’ progression, keeping his own clutching the material of the shirt. When the buttons and cufflinks were undone, he used his grip to shove the shirt down the older man’s arms. Claude’s hands slid up Danny’s arms to his shoulders and then down his chest again, stopping when they hit his waistband.
“Can I?” he whispered, barely audible and very unsure. Danny nodded and Claude dropped to his knees, much like Danny had done. Claude, however, wasn’t teasing like Danny had been. He was on a mission, undoing Danny’s belt and yanking pants and underwear down with a few firm tugs. He wasted no time, mouthing a few times at Danny’s dick before sucking the head into his mouth. Danny hissed in response but Claude didn’t let up, sucking him in deeper. He didn’t let up, one hand on the base while the other braced him upright against Danny’s thigh. His skill wasn’t exactly something to write home about but he more than made up for it in enthusiasm. He moved with it, shifting forward and leaning away. Danny did his best not to move, to let this be about Claude and what he wanted more than about him. He kept his arms at his side, digging his nails into his thighs to keep from touching him. He had to bring one hand up to his mouth, biting his fist, to keep from making noise as Claude looked up at him through his eyelashes from his place on the floor. Claude moaned and Danny’s entire body shook with it; Claude’s hands tightened on Danny’s hips in response. He kept at it, ignoring the sporadic shallow thrusts that Danny didn’t quite tamp down enough. The older man’s thighs quivered with the effort it took to restrain himself and he knew he wasn’t going to last long. He tugged lightly at Claude’s hair, trying to get him to pull off but Claude wasn’t willing to go where Danny lead for once and sucked harder. He came with a full-body shudder and a whispered, “Fuck, Claude.” Claude leaned back and looked up at him and Danny’s knees went weak at the sight: Danny’s come on his lips and dripping down his chin and Claude’s own coating his stomach. He hadn’t even noticed when Claude’s hand had left Danny’s hip to grip himself. Claude got to his feet (slowly and with a bit of difficulty. Shit, if that made skating harder the next day…) and walked into the bathroom, spitting into the sink a few times before turning on the faucet and rinsing his mouth out. He made a face at the taste that remained in his mouth but grabbed a washcloth and wet it. It was grabbed out of his hand and Claude turned to find Danny smiling fondly at him.
“You didn’t have to do that, you know, especially if you don’t like it.”
“I wanted to,” he protested, his eyes closing and his weight resting against the counter as Danny gently rubbed at Claude’s stomach with the cloth.
“I don’t want you to feel like you should do something you don’t like just because you think I’ll like it, ok? This isn’t a work-out, all right? You don’t have to push yourself.” Claude smiled a little but didn’t open his eyes as Danny worked on cleaning him up. Because his eyes were closed, it was a surprise when Claude felt lips on his own. “Stay?” Danny asked as he pulled away.
“Yeah,” Claude said quietly. “Yeah, I can stay.”
-
Danny woke up with an elbow in his stomach. He was very confused as to why until he realized that he was lying face down on a bed with someone’s arm underneath him. That could be a sign of a very bad scenario. He turned his head to see the owner of said arm and was met with a mess of ginger curls. Oh. Well, that was all right then. He turned his face away and went back to sleep, pressing closer to Claude’s body.
-
He woke up again hours later to the sensation of blunt nails scratching gently at his side. He pressed his hand over the moving fingers and muttered, “Stop.”
“My hand’s asleep,” was the whispered response. Danny groaned but pushed himself up so that Claude could remove his hand from under the shorter man. He looked at the clock and saw that it was 5:26 and groaned. They needed to be downstairs by 6:15 to get on their bus to the airport. His alarm would be going off in four minutes anyway so he just turned it off. He rolled over and sat up, taking in their clothes scattered around the room.
“Shit,” he muttered as he got up and starting collecting his clothes. He tossed them in his open suitcase and started getting dressed in comfortable clothes for the bus and plane ride. He brushed his teeth and grabbed his stuff from the bathroom to toss in his bag. Claude was still sitting in the bed and turned his puppy eyes on Danny when he walked out of the bathroom.
“So are we… are we good?” he asked. Danny felt his heart twist but he shook his head anyway.
“I can’t… I don’t know how to trust you. You need to be in this for real and you leaving doesn’t leave me with a lot of faith that you’re committed to this.”
“I am! Danny, I am. I love being with you, I love the boys. I didn’t want to leave-”
“But you did! You did and I can’t trust you to be there. I can’t trust you to not leave and to not put the boys through another heartbreak, another divorce basically. They’ve been through too much.” Claude opened his mouth as if to argue but Danny just plowed on. “I can’t do that to them and I can’t trust you to not do that to them.”
“Don’t… don’t say that.” Danny had always been good at reading Claude but even to someone who wasn’t as well-versed in the changes in his face would be able to tell that his heart was breaking. Claude began blinking rapidly and his voice was choked up with emotion as he said, “You can trust me, I promise,” and shit, he was on the verge of tears. Everything in Danny screamed at him to take Claude in his arms and stop the tears.
He was so young. So young and Danny had forgotten, had ignored it. He looked it now, though, with tears in his eyes, looking so vulnerable and scared sitting in the big bed alone with his shoulders hunched and his arms crossed over his bare chest. He was so young and Danny was expecting too much of him. Maybe Sylvie was right and he did expect too much out of everyone. He expected Claude to be able to handle the crazy that was Danny’s family and not turn tail and run. He expected the boys to be able to accept a new person, yet another change, in their life with grace. He expected himself to be able to walk away from Claude when it came down to it.
In the end, the only one who had let him down was himself. Claude hadn’t left because of the boys or Sylvie. He left because Danny, because he was tired of fighting for everything good that was in his life, because Danny was fucked up. He knew that. He accepted that. But he thought Claude had too and that was why it had hurt so badly when he walked out the door. And it was why he was doing the opposite of what his body was screaming at him to do and leaving the room instead of comforting Claude, instead of taking him in his arms and assuring him that he loved him, that he forgave him.
But he couldn’t and he didn’t and he left with just, “The bus leaves in half an hour, go get dressed,” before closing the door quietly behind him, Claude’s pleading ringing in his ears as he walked down the hall.
-
“You ok?” Richie asked as Danny sat down across from him on the bus to the airport.
“Fine, just tired. It’s early.” He pulled at his sweatshirt collar as if he was cold. Honestly, he was a little cold (it was 6:15 in the morning in January in fucking Buffalo, of course it was cold) but it was just the most reasonable excuse he could think of to sink lower in his seat in an effort to pretend the world wasn’t there.
Carts wasn’t having that, however. “What the hell happened?” he hissed. Danny glanced at him.
“Nothing!”
“That’s bullshit. I saw him outside your room and now you both look like you’d break if I touched you with a feather. He looks like he’s about to burst into tears.” He gestured to the back end of the bus with his head and Danny twisted in his seat automatically. Claude was hunched over, leaning his head against the window, ignoring Hartsy being Hartsy next to him.
“It’s none of your business,” Danny snapped, turning back around in his seat.
“If it starts messing with your game…”
“Fuck you, it won’t.”
“Ok, ok, whatever! It’s your life to fuck up. Just don’t break the kid in the process.”
“He’s not a child!” Danny informed him, angry more at himself more that Carts.
“Well you’d know better than me.” Danny’s patience was fraying at the edges but he forced himself to keep silent when Richie asked, yawning, “What are we whispering about?”
“Nothing,” Carts told him. “Go back to sleep.” Richie nodded and his head dropped on Carts’ shoulder. Danny turned away from them both and settled in for the ride.
-
Danny was learning all over again how much being a single parent sucked one Sunday morning. All three boys had hockey practice, Carson and Cameron at the same time and Caelan later in the afternoon. It was nice to spend time with the boys, it was the most enjoyable part of his life now that he and Claude hadn’t spoken about anything not work-related in weeks, but sometimes he wished he had time to spend with them that wasn’t on the way to somewhere.
They’d played a couple of away games since getting back from the long road trip. They’d done well since that night in Buffalo, playing like someone had lit a fire under their asses (excluding that horrible game in Tampa that didn’t even warrant thinking about). He and Carts had been doing well, making up for what Carts still considered a snub with the All-Star bullshit (the “oversight had been corrected” when it came to Danny but not Jeff). The All-Star game had been interesting, in a word. The media had caught wind of the living situation they were still pretending they had (Claude did still have a key and he still came and went, just normally when he knew Danny was out) and of course they were asked about it. Other than the one snide comment he allowed himself, mentioning that he saw Claude at practice more often than he saw him at home, it was fine, especially if he ignored the flash of hurt that crossed Claude’s face as Danny said the words. He and Claude pretending like they were playing happy family had been easier than he imagined. It reminded him of him and Sylvie when they first began to fall apart and that had hurt much more than he cared to think about. All he had to do was answer as if he was being asked a month ago and everything was fine. But he’d spent some time away with the boys and had even managed to have conversations with Claude that didn’t devolve into shouting matches (and he didn’t want to talk about the “our boys” slip and what it meant for them). His mother could still read him like a book, though, and had asked him if he was fighting with “the boy”. He’d lied. She hadn’t believed him but just nodded. Aside from during that weekend, though, he and Claude hadn’t had a single conversation about anything other than hockey or the boys since that night (and yes, that was what he referred to it as, childish though that may be). But life as a single dad didn’t allow for much self-reflection, especially mornings like that one.
And of course someone was knocking on the door just as he needed to get the kids into the car and on the road. This was his life. It was never going to be easy. He swore quietly and barked orders to the boys as he headed to the front of the house.
“Mets un jean! Maintenant, Carson!” Danny opened the door and stopped dead. “Claude.”
“Salut.”
“Claude!” Cameron yelled, throwing himself at the man. He caught him and lifted him up in the air, smile taking over his face. As soon as his legs left the ground, Cameron latched on to Claude’s torso with arms and legs and Claude just laughed. “Tu deviens lourd.” It was true: at a little under 60 pounds, Cameron was definitely growing and getting a little too big to be picked up.
“Impoli, Claude.”
“Désolé. Ça va?”
“Pas pire,” he said, pulling back a little but still not willing to unhook his hands from Claude’s neck. Not bad. He had an uncertain look on his face, however, and kept flexing his hands in Claude’s shirt.
“Ça ne va pas très bien?” he asked quietly and Cameron buried his head in Claude’s neck. Things aren’t going well?
“Tu me manques.” I miss you. Claude looked at Danny, who was shocked to see tears welling in the younger man’s eyes.
“Tu me manques aussi.” About that time, Carson came around the corner with Caelan’s hand planted firmly in the middle of his back. Both boys had their equipment bags over their shoulders and both stopped when they saw Claude standing in the doorway.
“You’re back!” Carson said, smiling. “Are you moving back in?”
“I never technically moved out,” he said, placing Cameron back on the ground and using the action to mask that fact that he was wiping at his eyes. His voice, however, gave him away but the boys pretended not to notice. Claude gave a half-hearted smile. “I just needed a little bit of a break so that I could figure some things out.”
“Get in the car,” Danny told the boys, never taking his eyes off Claude. “You need to get to practice.”
“But what about Claude?” Cam asked, looking hopefully up at the redhead.
“Claude’s coming too, right?” Danny said in a way that made it clear that it was barely a question but Claude nodded anyway. Caelan gave them both an uncertain look but hugged Claude.
“I’m glad you’re back.” Claude looked stricken, staring at Danny over Caelan’s head but just said, “Me too, buddy.”
-
They were about two minutes late and Carson and Cameron hit the asphalt with their bags before the car even stopped moving. Claude and Caelan waited until Danny had actually parked the damn thing before opening their doors and getting out. They walked into the rink and Danny greeted the other parents while Claude when to go talk to the other coaches, telling them that he was there if they needed him but that he had to deal with some personal stuff first. For his part, Danny settled himself in the stands a ways away from the rest of the parents. When Claude came back, Danny turned to Caelan and said, “Si tu faisais une promenade?” Why don’t you take a walk?
Caelan grumbled a bit about having just sat down but went. The two men just looked at each other for a few seconds before Danny spoke.
“We obviously need to talk.”
“Yeah,” Claude said helpfully. Danny just looked at him. “Look, I… I want you back. And I want all of you. And… And I love you. So there it is.” Danny huffed a laugh.
“I love you too. I told you that weeks ago. So we’ve got that down. But where do we go from here? Because I know I was asking for a lot of commitment upfront and that wasn’t fair to you.” Claude shook his head.
“It wasn’t the commitment. Being a parent to the boys is a commitment. Being with you is a commitment. I was comfortable with that. What I wasn’t comfortable with was you making it seem like you were putting in so much and getting nothing back. I needed to know that you wanted me and I wasn’t getting that. We can’t go on like that. I need you to listen to me, to treat me like an equal, to trust me.” His voice cracked a little on the word.
“I do! Or I’m trying to!” Claude just looked sad at that.
“Danny. You used me for sex. Twice.”
“No! No, I would never-”
“That might not have been what you meant but that’s what it felt like.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that. I-”
“I know. But it was before that too, before the sex. You treated me like I’d be there whenever you decided that I was worth your time. And the sad part was I would have been. But when you told me that Sylvie wanted me out, you were basically telling me that I was losing everything. You, the boys, everything. And you were just gonna stand there and watch it happen. I left because it was better than feeling like I didn’t mean anything to you. And yeah, maybe it was to make you miss me a little bit but it was more about me than you.”
“Claude, I never meant to… you have to know that I…”
“I know,” he said, shrugging. “But you wouldn’t listen when I tried to bring it up, just telling me ‘we can’t’ or ‘think of the boys’. So I shut up.”
“Don’t ever do that,” Danny insisted. “If I ever ignore you or brush you off, make me listen, ok? You’re important. What you think is important to me.”
“Ok,” Claude said quietly. “Ok. But that goes for more than just what’s up with us, you know? I need you to tell me if something’s up with you.”
“I do,” Danny said forcefully, as if trying to convince them both. “I tell you everything that matters.”
“You don’t, Danny. Or if you do, I need the unimportant stuff too. Do you know how much time I spend asking you what’s wrong and you say ‘nothing’ or ‘it’s not a big deal’. You have to tell me that stuff so we can figure it out as equals, or so I can at least take some of the weight off you!”
Danny’s shoulders sagged. “I… I know. I don’t… If it’s my problem, then you shouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“I want to deal with it. That’s what I’m saying.”
Danny looked at him for a few moments, both completely silent. He broke it eventually, telling Claude, “Sylvie used to say the same thing, beg me to tell her what was wrong. I didn’t, whether I couldn’t or just wouldn’t.”
“And you’re not married to her anymore,” Claude said gently but Danny glared anyway. “I’m being honest. This is important. Whether you think so or not. You need to let me in completely or kick me out because I can’t handle this half-in-half-out bullshit anymore.”
“I know. And I know things have to change because… because I ran the risk of losing you and I don’t think I can handle doing it again. And because we need to figure this out as equals… what do you think we should do about Sylvie?”
Claude looked down and to the side before looking up again to lock eyes with Danny. “I think I should move out at the end of this season.”
“What?! But we-”
“Hey. Let me finish.” Danny pressed his lips together but his shoulders didn’t let go of their tense raised posture. Claude ducked his head in a laugh when he realized it was the same look he got when someone was trying to start a fight with him on the ice, like he was bracing for a punch. Danny glared at him which just made him laugh harder. “No, look, ok, I want to be with you. That’s why I think I need to move out. If we’re gonna do this, we need to do it right, ok? And I don’t want you having to fight Sylvie over this, over me. I think it’ll be easier on the boys, too, easing into this.”
Danny laughed outright at that. “You know they know, right? I talked to Caelan a couple of weeks ago when he asked if you were coming back. He thought that’s why you moved in in the first place. When I told him that we had really just made it official, he told me I didn’t have to lie to him.”
“That kid’s so smart,” Claude said, laughing too. “Smarter than either of us.”
“Not that that’s all the hard,” Danny teased, ignoring Claude’s fake-indignant “Hey!” His expression grew serious and he cocked his head to look at Claude. “But really, you think it’s best you move out?” Claude nodded seriously.
“Yeah. It might look a little suspicious if I stay more than the one season. Look at all the media attention it already got. It’s not like I’m a rookie anymore. And I don’t know about you but I want to make sure we know what we’re doing before the world finds out, ya know?” Danny reached out and took Claude’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb across the ridge of his knuckles. He pulled his hand away a few seconds later but the warmth of the touch remained.
“Yeah.”
“So are… are we ok?”
“Yeah, Claude,” Danny said, smile taking over his face. “Yeah, we’re good. We’re ok.”