Chapter Text
Jane 🇨🇦🥵💦
Mon, 2 Sep 07:45 AM
Jane: My plane should arrive at 2:35. I’ll pay for the wifi and let you know about any delays or updates.
Lily: wow airplane wifi mr big spender
Jane: You said you were going to be my sugar daddy.
Jane: Are you going back on your word already?
Lily: send me the venmo request
Lily: send it right now
Lily: shane i am so serious, leave it public
Lily: and put something fucking nasty in the request too
Jane: Haha
Lily: youre joking but i’m so serious right now
Lily: shane please
Lily: please
Jane: Are you actually horny about this? Ilya, it’s the airport. There is nothing sexy about airports.
Lily: oh, i beg to disagree
Lily: and you know…
Lily: now that we are on same team, we are going to be flying around on private planes like all the time… could be fun…
Jane: A private plane that we only have access to alongside with the rest of our teammates. My NEW teammates. No, Ilya.
Lily: i am hearing logical reasons why not
Lily: but i am not hearing “i dont want to”
Jane: Well…
Jane: It doesn’t matter. We can’t, Ilya. We already talked about PDA.
Lily: i know i know
Lily: you are so boring and responsible
Lily: and i am so fucking lucky to have you or else i would be fired by hr for inappropriate workplace misconduct yadda yadda yadda
Jane: I don’t think you should “yadda yadda yadda” that Ilya.
Lily: maybe i will anyway
Lily: if you keep saying this
Jane: ?
Jane: Saying what?
Lily: my name
Lily: you have texted it a dozen times
Lily: and everytime i read it it is like i hear it in my mind, your voice, whispering “ilya”
Jane: Ilya.
Lily: shane
Jane: I like writing it.
Lily: oh, yes, i can tell
Lily: you are not subtle
Jane: Shut up.
Jane: I mean I like being allowed to call you Ilya, and rename you in my phone, and give you a profile picture - all of that, and knowing that we won’t have to delete any texts I send you with your real name, or vice versa.
Lily: shane…
Lily: ya tebya lyublyu shane
Lily: have you changed my name? very boring yes? “Captain Ilya Rozanov of the Ottawa Centaurs” i guess?
Jane: “Ilya Rozanov ❤️(husband/emergency contact)”
Lily: …
Lily: I love you so much
Lily: Come home
Lily: You should be pilot, i think you would be much faster
Jane: Well i do have some excellent motivation.
Jane: Do you like it? Is it okay? I can keep my mom listed as my primary emergency contact if it’s too much pressure.
Jane: Sorry, i should have asked beforehand.
Lily: no no no, do not change
Lily: i love it
Lily: is everything i ever wanted
Lily: fuck i love it
Lily: wish you were here
Lily: my husband
Lily: i love seeing you call me ilya, knowing i can open up chat and see it whenever i want
Jane: Good. I like calling you Ilya, too.
Jane: I mean. I guess I’m also going to miss Lily.
Jane: But Ilya was always my favorite.
Lily: lucky for you, i am both
Lily: luckiest for me, i now have shane AND jane
Lily: in my city, coming home to me
Lily: come home
Jane: Be there soon.
Jane: I love you.
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Moh <3
@ottawamohw
Omg you guys i was just at the ottawa international airport and i saw shane fucking hollander 😭😭😭 I swear to got it was like fate!!! actually it was fucking surreal because the ENTIRE TERMINAL was plastered in City Seltzer ads with his face all over them and he was just awkwardly standing in front of a ten-foot tall poster of himself with goofy ass sunglasses on lmao—super nice though!! He signed my backpack lol!
13.3K Retweets 854 Quote Tweets 62.4K Likes
shane hollander kiss cam @protectshanehollander · Sep 2
Replying to @ottawamohw
How does it feel to be god’s favorite 😒
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Moh <3 @ottawamohw · Sep 2
Replying to @protectshanehollander
Feels good 👍👍👍
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cens pls let me drive @zamzamboner · Sep 2
Replying to @ottawamohw
omg lol i need to see the fucking picture of shane standing in front of his own ad campaigns lmao i need him biblically, the new city seltzer ads are 😲
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Greg's hockey blog
@GregBSmith
Shane hollander standing in front of a wall plastered with pictures of his own face shows everything that is wrong with him - narcissistic, money hungry, more obsessed with his reflection than his game. Good riddance
Moh <3
@ottawamohw
Omg you guys i was just at the ottawa international airport and i saw shane fucking hollander 😭😭😭 I swear to got it was like fate!!! actually it was fucking surreal because the ENTIRE TERMINAL was plastered in City Selzters ads with his face all over them and he was just awkwardly standing in front of a ten-foot tall poster of himself with goofy ass sunglasses on lmao—super nice though!! He signed my backpack lol!
3.3K Retweets 3.9K Quote Tweets 2.1K Likes
lima beans @alimabeanforall · Sept 2
Replying to @GregBSmith
I fucking hate you ppl. Three time stanley cup winner shane hollander you mean? What the fuck, do you think he was just winning all his fucking medals and trophies to admire his reflection in them??? Stfu i hate you all go cry home to montreal
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ROBIN!
@robinbanks
[Picture: Shane Hollander, wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and a neck pillow, walking stone-faced past a massive wall plastered in advertisements for City Seltzer where he poses shirtless and drenched in water]
spotted at ottawa international: this is the best day of my life
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2481 sandwich @cameronw · Sep 2
Replying to @robinbanks
NO ONE FUCKING METNIONED THE NECK PILLOW OMG IM GOING TO MELT THROUGH THE FUCKING FLOOR
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Shane moya lyubov 🥰💕💦
Mon, 2 Sep 03:01 PM
Shane: In the Uber, heading home.
Shane moya lyubov 🥰💕💦 started sharing his location with you
Ilya: thank you malysh
Ilya: was airport okay?
Shane: I guess so. I know a few people recognized me but they were mostly chill. Mom called while I was waiting for my gear.
Ilya: everything okay?
Shane: Yeah
Shane: She’s just as nervous as I am.
Shane: She wanted to run more contingency plans by me already.
Shane: And I can’t even be that mad at her because it turned out she was right, and we definitely should have had more contingencies in place.
Ilya: she cares
Ilya: but i know it can be a lot
Ilya: maybe tonight we let everyone know our phones are on a silent retreat okay? it can be just you and me
Shane: Are you horny again?
Shane: Just kidding.
Shane: That sounds good.
Shane: Great, actually.
Ilya: okay. i’m going to call Yuna and David and let them know not to worry. i will see you soon
Shane: Thanks ❤️
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OTTASQUAD 🏒♐️
Mon, 2 Sep 03:24 PM
Bood
Lol Roz your husband is already making headlines in Ottawa newspapers
Bood shared a link: "HOMETOWN HERO SPOTTED! Hockey Legend Shane Hollander lands in CYOW, greets fans! Welcome home, Hollander!"
Dykstra
Geez, he’s already got more publicity than the Centaurs had for years
Dillon
Good thing we’re changing that boys 💪
Roz: yes i know my husband is so famous and important
Roz: you may all be jealous and cry now
Hazey
Lowkey I am jealous! Look at his fucking abs! Way to go, Roz!
[Tap to Download: A photographed Shane reclining shirtless on his side in a massive advertisement, thumb pulling down his bottom lip as he pours a can of City Seltzer into his open mouth. In the foreground, real Shane Hollander quickly walks in front of the ad with his head down, hidden behind a large neck pillow, sunglasses, and a baseball cap]
Young
no cap this is the funniest picture i have ever seen LMAO
LaPointe
meme potential fs. “when your mom is trying to brag about you to relatives you haven’t met since you were four years old”
Holmberg
“you vs the guy she told you not to worry about”
Young
“my monday!self regretting every single decision my weekend!self made”
Harris
This is actually fantastic PR! Maybe I’ll try to make the meme myself 🤔
Chouinard
You guys know that when roz finally adds hollzy to this chat hes going to be able to see everything you said about his abs?
Hazey
And? Did I lie?
What should I be embarrassed about? It’s Shane fucking Hollander!
Young
yeah i have no fucking problem whatsoever glazing THE GOAT
Roz: close but wrong, i am obviously the goat
Roz: shane is second goat
Roz: shane is lamb actually
Roz: very cute, very soft, tastes good ;)
Barrett
…. Gross? Weird? I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t like it.
Bood
Shane is the lamb of hockey in the same way that Jesus was the lamb of Christianity.
Cuz he literally is hockey Jesus.
Sorry not sorry @Roz
Harris
Wait, though @Roz! That reminds me! When are you going to add Shane to the groupchats?? He’s officially a Centaur now!
Hazey
🥳🎉
Chouinard
Oh yeah, def add him in!
Harris
I’m so excited to meet him officially!
Roz: will add him in soon but not today
Roz: a lot going on, you understand
Roz: and shane is terrible texter and he fucking hates groupchats
Roz: will probably add him to official chat before this chaos mess
Harris
Oh, that makes sense! Of course, no rush!
Young
aww i wanted to meet him
LaPointe
shut up dude
Bood
Meeting in person sounds like a good idea Roz! We’ve got the barbecue next week but that’ll be after the first all-team practice, so let me know and we can definitely reschedule!
Roz: thank you but shane will probably feel better about meeting at practice first (he is very obsessed with hockey, will probably feel most comfortable there)
Roz: but i will ask, thank you
Chouinard
Jesus, thinking about practice - Holly on the fucking roster, I still can’t believe it
Holmberg
Wait whats the downlow, is it Holly or Hollzy?? God i dont wanna look like a noob in front of the new cool exchange student 😫😫
Chouinard
Calling Shane Hollander an exchange student… are you okay?
I used to train with some of the Voyageur dudes during the summer, they used both ig (and they fucking never shut up about Shane, btw)
Barrett
I’m not sure what it was like in Montreal, but in Toronto, people called him Holly when they were making fun of him.
Oh, sorry, Roz. Just thought everyone should know. I don’t know if Hollander knows that, though.
Hazey
Yeahhhh, I remember that. Kent definitely called him that on the ice and not in a nice way.
Bood
He was always Hollzy or Hollander at All-Stars. I remember some of the Florida guys doing the same thing with Holly, getting on his nerves, you know? We can stick with his real name for now until he tells us otherwise.
Roz: no holly
Roz: he doesnt like nicknames because he is boring but hollzy is fine
Roz: fuck kent fuck toronto
Roz: fuck montreal
Hazey, Bood, Dykstra and others emphasized this message
Barrett
Sorry :/
Young
i dont get it tho whats wrong with holly?
Dillon
Bro.
LaPointe
dude SHUTT UPPPP its literally a girls name its a gay joke
Young
oh
my bad
thats so dumb tho
Holmberg
Assholes
Luca Haas
I am very glad that the Centaurs drafted me even though they were terrible at the time and I was worried about that. Other teams seem very mean in comparison, and that is worse than being terrible.
Chouinard
Not all of them! But definitely some - don’t worry, though, Luca, you definitely lucked out because we all know the Centaurs are the best AND the nicest
Harris, Hazey, Roz and others emphasized this message
Luca Haas
Yes 🙂
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HOMETOWN HERO SPOTTED! Hockey Legend Shane Hollander lands in CYOW, greets fans! Welcome home, Hollander!
You heard that right, Ottawa! Shane Hollander is officially BACK and ready to STAY after signing a five-year contract with our very own Ottawa Centaurs! Born and raised in Ottawa, Ontario, Shane Hollander rapidly skyrocketed to fame after he was marked as one the top prospects in the world following his silver-medal tournament run in the World Junior Championships in 2009, representing, you guessed it, Team Canada 🇨🇦!
Hollander has had a legendary career since then, earning gold for Canada the following year, achieving a silver Olympic medal after he captained the 2014 Sochi Men’s Ice Hockey Olympic team, and winning THREE STANLEY CUPS with Centaurs’ divisional rival the Montreal Voyageurs! But, after that illustrious career, Hollander has finally decided to return back to the place where it all started after he entered free agency this summer. Hollander is back in town and Centaurs fans couldn’t be more excited! They’ve already spotted Hollander returning to his hometown, taking pictures and signing autographs (in front of his rather impressive City Seltzer ad campaign) in Ottawa International Airport.
Of course, this hockey superstar’s life is not all sunshine and rainbows (or maybe it is… 🌈!!).
You already know this part of the story! Hollander’s decision not to re-sign with the Montreal Voyageurs, the team that drafted him in 2009, has largely been attributed to the public outing of himself and his long-term-partner-turned husband, fellow hockey player, and Centaurs Captain Ilya Rozanov! Gasp 😱! Rumors abound of a bad locker room atmosphere following Hollander’s outing, and some fans were not happy with their former captain after he tripped at a crucial moment in the first round of the playoffs last year, losing game seven to the Centaurs and his own fiancé 💍! The DRAMA! I couldn't make this up if I tried, people!
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Yuna and David
Mon, 2 Sep 03:41 AM
Ilya: hello, shane is on his way to the cottage
Yuna
Thanks for letting us know Ilya!
Are you sure you don’t want us to stop by? We can bring leftovers!
David
Yuna.
Yuna
What? I'm just checking!
Ilya: no thank you yuna, we appreciate it but shane is already overwhelmed
Ilya: he was recognized several times at the airport and there are already pictures and articles
Ilya: i think best thing for him tonight is quiet and relaxation
David
Whatever you think is best, Ilya. We trust you 🖤❤️ love you kid
Yuna
But let us know if you change your minds or if you need anything!
David
Yuna.
Ilya: haha okay yes, we will let you know
Ilya: yuna could you keep an eye on twitter for us tonight? i dont want shane stressing about his phone but he will feel better knowing someone is monitoring pictures and news
Yuna
Yes, absolutely! I am already on it!
Ilya: thank you, for both of us
Yuna
We love you so much Ilya! See you tomorrow!
Ilya: :)
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David
Mon, 2 Sep 03:45 PM
David: I saw what you did there. Nice diversion. Yuna has already set up her battle monitoring station in the living room.
Ilya: ah yes, i know she wants to help, and i didnt lie, shane will feel better knowing that she is working on it
David: I know kiddo. Take some time for yourself tonight too, okay? You need to relax and settle in as well. Love you, see you boys soon
Ilya Rozanov (Son) reacted to this message with ❤️
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Mom (Yuna Hollander)
Mon, 2 Sep 05:59 PM
Yuna: Hi, sweetie! You don’t have to respond tonight but I want you to know that everything looks good and you handled yourself very admirably at the airport! City Seltzer has already reached out -- they love the publicity!
Yuna: And we love you too, baby. I’m glad Ilya is making sure you take some time to relax. You deserve it so, so much.
08:30 PM
Shane: Thanks Mom
Shane: We’re still on for lunch tomorrow?
Yuna: Of course! Talk to you then!
Yuna: And don’t forget about the Reebok’s shoot next week, it’s very, very important. The timing of this is crucial, we need to show everyone that you’re not backing down!
Shane: Yes, Mom. Love you.
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David
08:53 PM
David: Please tell Shane I said goodnight and that I love him.
David: Yuna told me she texted him again and I'm sorry about that. She’ll apologize for herself tomorrow.
Ilya: okay
Ilya: he only wants to impress her
David: I know. She’s stressed and sometimes this is how she shows her love, but we talked. She’s not going to text again tonight.
Ilya: okay
Ilya: thank you for understanding
Ilya: shane says he loves you back (of course)
David: I’m just so grateful I get to have both my boys in town
David: Goodnight, kids.
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Opinion: What Can Shane Hollander Bring to the Centaurs? Potentially, a Lot of Unneeded Controversy.
by Derek Scheiller (@DerekScheiller), Consultant, Regular ContributorFour months ago, the Ottawa Centaurs, Ontario’s wayward and misguided NHL team, made it back to the playoffs for the first time in over two decades following years of being widely branded as “the worst team in the worst league.” This sudden rise in regular season standing and a reintroduction to playoff hockey brought many fans, formally worn down from rooting for the perpetual losers, back to the Canadian Tire Centre for the first time in decades, reigniting the city's hockey fever and even drawing fans who had strayed to support other teams, specifically the Voyageurs, the league's recent juggernauts, located only a two-hour drive away. Since signing star center Ilya Rozanov, controversial but attention-drawing right-winger Troy Barrett, and recent Vezina-winning goaltender Wyatt Hayes, the Centaurs have seen massive increases in ticket and merch sales and a nearly 500% boost in analytics across their social media sites, where they run one of the most active accounts in the league. Indisputably, last year was the best year to be a proud Centaurs fan.
Not only did the Centaurs make it to the playoffs—they made it to the second round. How? By defeating none other than the reigning champions, the Montreal Voyageurs, who have bagged three of the last six Stanley Cup championships in an astounding, dynasty-defining run.
But last year, the Voyageurs tripped at the finish line. Or rather, their captain, Shane Hollander, did. [...]