Chapter Text
Alec was sitting in his office eating lunch and chatting to Izzy about what they had planned for the Christmas break when they were interrupted by a timid knock at the door. They were mid-debate on the pros and cons of staying in the Lightwood Mansion from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day versus booking themselves a hotel room and the three of them (Jace had promised he would be there too) bunking together and only going up to the house just in time for Christmas lunch, when Alec got up to answer the door and found himself face-to-face with one of the boys from his 8th Grade English Literature class. He was a good kid. Intelligent, with an impish sense of humour that meant Alec almost always kept an eye and ear tuned to his every move but his pranks almost always involved making the other kids laugh at his antics, rather than at any of the other kids, so Alec rarely needed to intervene.
“Hi, Mister Lightwood! Mister Bane asked me if I’d give you this,” Charlie said shoving a note into Alec’s hands as he smiled up at him, “he said to tell you that ‘he’s sorry but Miss Branwell had to go home sick.’”
Resisting the almost overpowering urge to raise an eyebrow at the messenger or ask why it should make any particular difference to him whether Lydia was at school today or not, Alec smiled and took the note.
“Thanks, Charlie.”
“Bye Mister Lightwood, see you after lunch,” Charlie said brightly and with a wave, he was off at a run.
Confused and a little bit intrigued, because he definitely wasn’t supposed to be teaching Charlie till Wednesday and today was Monday, Alec closed the door and went back to sit beside Izzy, staring down at the note he’d been given.
The fact that Magnus still used handwritten written notes rather than using electronic means to track down teachers was one of the things that Alec quietly admired about the Head of the Science Department. Alec never tired of seeing his name printed in that bold curling handwriting that was reminiscent of old-fashioned copperplate and would have made most calligraphers green with envy.
“Are you going to sit there for the rest of lunch admiring his penmanship Alec or are you going to open it?” Izzy asked teasingly.
Startled that he’d managed to somehow completely forget Izzy was there, Alec hurriedly opened the envelope, intentionally not looking at Izzy for fear of blushing at the knowing expression she paired with that tone. Izzy was one of the only people who not only knew that Alec was gay but also that he’d had a crush on Magnus Bane since the first time he’d seen him teaching, two years earlier. The first time had been when he’d just been offered a teaching role at The Institute and been taken on a tour by the Headmaster’s personal assistant, Raj who was in charge of most of the day-to-day scheduling and coordination of the middle school staff. Alec had been amazed by the way Magnus held his class enthralled as though he was performing magic rather than teaching chemistry but he couldn’t help feel the same fascinated wonder he saw on each of the students' faces every time he was in the same room as him. Everything about him was extraordinary, from his incredibly unique sense of style to his ability to discuss with depth and encyclopedic knowledge, not just science but art, history and literature, and Alec felt drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Alec gave his head a quick shake as though to clear away the distracting thoughts about the man himself and turned his attention to quickly scanning the note in front of him.
To Alexander Lightwood,
As you may or may not be aware Lydia Branwell was supposed to be co-facilitating the grade 8 ‘Safe Schools Program’ seminar 2 of ‘All of Us: Understanding Gender Diversity, Sexual Diversity and Intersex Topics’ with me this afternoon.
I trust Charlie did remember to explain that she, unfortunately, has had to go home sick this afternoon and when I consulted Raj, he informed me that you are the only teacher who has the requisite free periods this afternoon to be able to fill it.
I apologise for putting you in a potentially uncomfortable situation, I know that despite your support of the initiative, the Safe Schools Program is not one everyone is as comfortable teaching as I am but I’m afraid you’re my only hope to prevent it from being cancelled. I feel that the health and wellbeing of our students is paramount so I’m hoping you’ll agree to come along to enable us to meet the mandatory student-teacher ratios.
The seminar starts at 1 pm and runs till 3 pm and is being held in classroom 1 of The Whitelaw Centre.
I want to stress that I am not expecting you to participate in any way except crowd control but I would consider it a personal favour if you did agree to come.
Magnus Bane
Alec read the letter more slowly a second time, fighting down a moderate level of panic and hoping he’d completely misunderstood it the first time. He was a strong advocate for the Safe Schools Program and had wished constantly during the mandatory training that there’d been something similar when he’d been in school because his life might have taken quite a different path if it had. But that didn’t change the fact that as a mostly closeted gay man who had a crush on the main facilitator, he would rather mark every single student in the entire school’s end of year exam paper than facilitate that class.
“ALEC!”
Alec jumped as he felt Izzy shoving him gently as her worried voice finally broke into his panicked thoughts. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there staring at the note but if the worried expression on her face was anything to go by, it’d been far too long and this wasn’t the first time she’d tried to get his attention. Unable to bear the expression in her eyes Alec had transferred his gaze back to the note in his hands.
“What’s in that note, Alec? You’ve gone deathly pale, mi hermano, is Magnus ill or something?” Izzy asked urgently.
“Lydia can’t teach the Safe Schools Program seminar this afternoon with Magnus because she’s gone home sick,” Alec’s voice was rough and so quiet that if Izzy hadn’t been so close she couldn’t possibly have heard him, “apparently I’m the only person who’s - who’s - got the free periods to co-facilitate it and if I don’t go, it will be cancelled.”
Alec knew from Izzy’s sharp inhalation and her quiet but no less vehement string of Spanish swear words that she understood exactly what kind of jam he’d been placed in.
“I don’t have any choice Iz,” Alec sighed, resigning himself to this cruel and twisted fate.
“But Alec-“ Izzy said leaping to his defence as her hand moved swiftly to rest on his knee in a gesture of support and reassurance.
“It’s okay, Iz. You know what this program means to me, I can’t deny any of those kids access to it just because - because I’m not exactly -“ Alec sighed, frustrated at his own inability to articulate his thoughts, “I can make it through a couple of hours as crowd control, Iz. Magnus said he’ll run it and do all the talking, I just have to go to make sure it doesn’t get cancelled. But who knows, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing? Like a second chance, to see what it could be like if I ever want to… start being more open?”
“ I just wish-“ Izzy started but stopped again when her eyes met Alec’s and she saw both the pain and the resolution there, “you’re right. You can do this, Alec. Just take some papers to grade or one of those ridiculously complicated philosophical texts you love that you can focus on if listening to Magnus and the students gets too much. If you sit behind the kids, they’ll never know and I’m sure Magnus would understand. And I’m just a few classrooms away if -”
Izzy’s speech was cut off by the sound of the bell ringing and for a moment after it finished neither of them said anything, consumed by their own thoughts of the session to come. Alec’s alternating between an edgy disquiet at the subject matter, to a fluttering excitement at the thought of getting to openly watch Magnus teach for two hours, to a slightly breathless feeling of needing to still hide the true extent of his admiration of the man. It was going to be a long and confusing couple of hours Alec concluded.
“Thanks, Iz,” Alec said as he got up, turning away from her to gather up some work to grade and one of his favourite philosophy tomes.
Seeing Alec was getting ready to leave, Izzy put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, “We’ll talk about it later ok? I’ll order pizza and we can pick up ice cream on the way home.”
Alec couldn’t think of how to put into words what her support meant to him, so he nodded, knowing she’d understand. He made it all the way to the door before doubling back and switching his tome for his well-thumbed copy of ‘Sophie’s World’. He’d promised to review this weekend for the school magazine to help explain why introducing philosophical theory to teenagers wasn’t as impossible as everyone seemed to think it was and why they included it on the English Lit curriculum as an extension piece so he may as well get started on it.
“Alexander!”
Alec couldn’t help the way his breath caught when he heard Magnus calling his name from behind him as he crossed the quad towards the main entrance to The Whitelaw Centre. Taking a moment to compose himself Alec turned, smiling more genuinely than he would have thought possible just a moment before as he noticed anew just how gorgeous Magnus was up close.
“Hi, Magnus,” Alec said simply, eternally grateful he’d gotten past the stuttering mess he’d been the first couple of times he’d tried to talk to Magnus. He’d gotten used to it, even found himself enjoying talking to the man but he wasn’t about to test his luck any further today by trying to impress Magnus with his conversation skills.
“I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to say thank you properly before we got in there, you really are a lifesaver and I owe you one. If you ever need anything at all,” Magnus said sincerely before his voice lightened and he continued, “well, you know where to find me. I haven’t moved office since the last time you visited.” His tone somehow seemed to imply that they were friends and that just ‘dropping by’ Magnus’ office for a chat was a perfectly normal and regular thing for Alec to do, even though it wasn’t.
Alec shrugged, “It’s an important program and you needed me, so I’m here.”
Before Alec had a chance to do more than realise he’d accidentally said ‘needed me ’ and not ‘needed someone ’ and even begin to figure out whether he could clarify that without making a bigger mess, Magnus had started talking again.
“I do need you, Alexander. You’re my knight in shining armour today.”
Alec blinked, wondering if he’d zoned out for a second and his mind had supplied the phrase he wanted to hear instead of the actual words Magnus had said. Magnus’ expression suggested he actually might have said them, he was certainly looking at Alec like he was some kind of saviour, but Magnus kept talking so Alec had to set aside that question for analysis later. Much later.
“Now, I know you're familiar with the content of the ‘All of Us’ package and you’ve done the training but I want to stress I’m not expecting you to take Lydia’s place, just being there is more than enough. But, if you do decide at any point you want to contribute then I’m sure the students would welcome another perspective -?" Magnus trailed off with a soft questioning expression that looked almost hopeful.
“Thanks, but um -” Alec said hurriedly, “I think I'll just sit and - um - listen with the students for this session. If that’s - that’s okay with you?”
“Absolutely fine,” Magnus said nodding reassuringly, “if it’s alright with you, how about: I thank you at the beginning and say that you’re going to be sitting in on the session today because Miss Branwell isn’t here but explain that you don’t normally run this program so you are here to listen and learn with everyone else rather than answering questions?”
“Yeah,” Alec said, releasing a breath he hadn’t even realised he was holding, “that - that sounds great.”
“They’re pretty good but they’re still learning about sensitivity so we do get the occasional curveball question but the policy Lydia and I have is that we’ll take and answer any question but we use them as a teaching opportunity to help kids frame their questions in the most respectful and sensitive way and help them understand which questions or terms might be seen as ‘unhelpful’ or ‘disrespectful’ to ask someone other than an educator or support person. But if you get asked a question, I’ll refocus the attention on me and remind the students of your role and that we don’t assume that everyone wants to discuss their sexuality or gender or intimacy and relationships more broadly with us. It’ll give you time to wave at me if you think ‘YES! I’ll take that one, random question’ but otherwise, I’ll do my best to take the question and answer it from my personal perspective.”
Alec was tempted to say that hell was more likely to freeze over than him deciding to field questions he didn’t necessarily know the answers to or potentially hadn’t ever discussed with anyone before but he decided that was better left unsaid. Something of his thoughts must have shown up in his expression though because the corner of Magnus’ mouth quirked up and humour danced in his eyes for a moment before he reverted to that calm matter of factness that made him the perfect facilitator for this particular course.
“There’s nothing wrong with being a private person, Alexander. It’s really no different than my choice to be a very open person on certain topics and less so on others. It’s just that, your choice: who you tell what to and what topics you discuss. I tell all the students I’m also available as a support person if they want to discuss anything with me in private and I would like to extend that to you, as a friend, on any topic. If you ever need someone to listen, I’m actually pretty good at that.”
“Mister Bane?”
Alec was saved from having to reply by one of their students running down the flight of stairs leading to the Whitelaw Centre.
“Mister Bane, you’re not cancelling class, are you? People are saying Miss Branwell isn’t here today.”
Alec couldn’t immediately think of the girl’s name but he could only shake his head and smile at her plaintive tone, only Magnus Bane could make a student sound disappointed about the prospect of a class being cancelled.
“No, Lucy, we’ll be there in a minute,” Magnus promised and Alec had the opportunity to witness from up-close the way Magnus’ shifted from colleague to teacher, which somehow made him seem larger than life. He seemed to become more vibrant and interesting than everything around him.
And yet, after the conversation they’d just had, where Magnus had been focusing all of his attention just on him, Alec realised that the charismatic teacher might not be half as dangerous to his peace of mind as the man who offered friendship and understanding.
Although Alec had set himself up at the back of the seminar room to work and even written a quick structure for his book review he had found himself setting aside Sophie’s World. His interest in a fictional girl’s journey to understand some of the pillars of philosophical thinking paled in comparison to his interest in watching the young students before him open their minds to new ways of thinking about topics which had previously seemed simple and clearcut and suddenly they were seeing the facets of their world’s paradigms.
When they watched a video of a young lesbian woman talking about her experiences on her journey from understanding to expressing her sexuality openly at school, Alec found himself studying their reactions. It was incredible to watch their faces as they transitioned through different stages of listening, beginning to understand, having questions or doubts, getting clarification and then starting to gain confidence with exploring this new perspective or idea. Alec wondered whether anyone had written a paper on the application of philosophical theorem to children who are introduced to paradigm shifting knowledge around their concepts of diversity in relation to sexuality and gender identity.
But even his academic curiosity was overcome by the experience of listening to some of the same teenagers who point-blank refused to discuss their thoughts, feelings or reactions to the material they covered in literature starting to express how it might make them feel if they thought they were different from what was expected as “normal”. Alec found himself enthralled by the different ways they spoke about their thoughts on what fears a gay or lesbian person might have about coming out. Hearing these kids talking about the very thoughts he still struggled with, in the context of how they could work together to make this school and their year level a place where all people felt accepted and welcomed was almost more than he could cope with. These kids spoke about making a place where a person who currently identified or thought they might identify in the future as either sexually or gender diverse would feel supported to explore their sexual or gender diversity without having to pick a single identity and stick with it or be subjected to discrimination if it was still fluid or evolving. He couldn’t help comparing their words to the words he’d heard his parents and the kids he went to school with use and finding a kind of hope he’d never felt before. A hope that it wouldn’t always have to be just Izzy, Jace and Max who knew he was gay. A hope that he could have a community of people around him who acknowledged, supported and encouraged him to express himself as a gay man, whenever he was ready. A hope that there would be people who acknowledged his experiences and fears as valid and asked how they could support him better. A hope that him being gay might be something which was as accepted and unremarkable one day as his having brown eyes rather than blue.
“Mister Bane, can I ask you a question about what it’s like having had partners of both male and female genders?” One of the students asked and as promised, Magnus began to answer her in a way Alec found both insightful and sensitive, weaving his education of the appropriateness of that question outside of the classroom in seamlessly.
“Mister Lightwood, can you tell us what it’s like having partners who are all of a single gender? I mean, does it seem any different when you think about your different partners and what makes them different as people?”
Alec had been so interested in Magnus’ answers and the way he was able to express and articulate his thoughts about his attraction to and intimate relationships with people from both male and female gender that it hadn’t occurred to him that the skill he’d taught his students in comparing and contrasting narratives and viewpoints would come back to bite him. His first reaction was shock. It wasn’t that it was the first question that had been directed at him. No, the shock was that he could actually answer that question without needing to explain that he was gay. In the context of the question, he was attracted to a single gender while Magnus was attracted to more than one gender. And yet he also felt, for the first time ever, convinced that if he were to come out at this very moment he would be safe from abuse and that the odds that he would be accepted - in this room at least - were the kind you could take to the bank. It was a thought that simultaneously thrilled and terrified him. It didn’t change the fact that not everyone in this school or his broader life were in this classroom or shared these values but it suggested that one day, maybe sooner than he’d ever thought, this school might be a safe place for him to express his sexuality openly. And he found himself wanting to give a different kind of answer than the one that he and Magnus had discussed.
With a strange sense of self-assurance, he caught Magnus’ eye and nodded ever so slightly that he had something to add, feeling the corner of his mouth lift up as he saw something akin to pride flare in Magnus’ eyes in response. With measured movements Alec got up from his chair at the back and walked round to stand at the front of the room, choosing a chair about 5-feet from where Magnus was sitting and moving it into more like 3-feet from him.
Now that the floor had been opened to him Alec felt that slight tightening of his throat — and focused on the fact that he spoke to and in front of these kids on a daily basis and he was damn good at it. He hadn’t stuttered in front of a class since he was a student and he wasn’t starting today.
“While I’m not going to directly answer Tom’s question, I will explain why not in the hope that it might make it easier to understand what Mr Bane has been trying to explain about why we don’t assume everyone is equally comfortable discussing issues relating to sexuality or intimacy. How some people might be very open and are able and willing to expand on this topic as eloquently as Mr Bane while others might shy away from or be less willing to engage in that type of discussion. I’m going to try to explain my own reasons in the hope that it might help you think of different ways people might view this topic and how that might affect whether they want to discuss it with people other than their partner. I think of my sexual relationships as being something which is primarily about my deep and private connection to my partner and any physical expression of that connection as being fundamentally about the feelings we share for one another. I don’t necessarily find it easy to express the depth of those emotions to anyone except my partner and, to a slightly lesser degree to my siblings who I’m very close to. Although it’s important that my partner and I discuss our relationship and our previous relationships I don’t feel like it’s something I want or need to discuss in detail with anyone else. Trying to discuss it with others often makes me feel uncomfortable or vulnerable because I’m aware of an instinct to keep that information to myself. Another reason I tend to avoid discussing it is out of a sense of protecting the privacy of my partner and myself, by not discussing the thoughts and feelings and actions we share with others without their permission in case part of what I tell someone is something they would rather remain between us. So I would like to suggest to you that you might all like, at some point, to reflect on the Who, When, Where, What, How and Why of discussing your feelings and actions.”
Alec paused, gathering his thoughts for a moment before ticking them off on his fingers: ”I think it’s important to think about: who you feel comfortable and uncomfortable talking to; what information you do and don’t want to tell them and in how much detail; how you tell that information to them - whether it’s verbal or written, face-to-face or not and what words you might use; where you talk or write to the person and whether it is possible that you could be overheard or your words read by someone other than the person it’s intended for and whether that matters; when you discuss this with others - whether it is before or after something has happened or you want to happen; and I also really encourage you to think about why you are sharing this information - is it to help you understand something, to share your feelings or experiences with someone, is it to ask for help, support or guidance, is it to reciprocate when someone has shared something with you.”
Alec was surprised to see how many of the students were nodding or considering what he had to say, which made him extend his explanation a little more. “It’s okay to tell different people different amounts of information about the same event or to tell the same person more or less at different times or for different reasons. None of those choices are better or worse or more right than any of the others, they’re just things to consider to help you make the choices that best match your needs at that time. You can always reflect and learn from it if it doesn’t go the way you wanted or you think afterwards that you would like to do something different next time. Also, just because someone doesn’t want to share, doesn’t necessarily influence whether they will want to offer you support and listen to you when you want to tell them something. For instance, my siblings are very open and both want and need to talk about these things and I enjoy being their sounding board because I know how important it is to them. Yes, there are also times when it feels like I get too much detail but we’ve developed a good system of them respecting each other's boundaries unless it’s something that they feel is really important that we need to talk about.”
“Okay, so I’m going to hand this back over to Mr Bane now and -“ Alec was relieved when the bell rang cutting off the end of his sentence. He was glad that he had contributed but at the same time, he actually didn’t necessarily want to be there for further discussion of the things he’d said with the students.
That he’d have to discuss it with both Magnus and Izzy was something which was only now starting to really sink in as the students grabbed their books and bags and joined the loud and crazy rush towards freedom.
Alec wished rather guiltily that he could rush out after them. But he knew he had to stay. Stay and find words to say to Magnus despite all of the thoughts and feelings that were rushing through his head, confusing him with their intensity and their diversity.