Chapter Text
Ben burst through the hospital doors just minutes behind Rey, with Finn and Poe in tail. They did all the talking for him, and a lady directed them to a waiting room close to her where she had been taken into surgery. Finn and Poe sat down. Ben didn't. He was pacing around the room with his hands behind his head, trying to breath, trying to get the image of her strapped to that stupid fucking gurney out of his head. Breathe, you need to breathe, you fucking useless idiot. Finn was the first to get up, putting his hand on Ben's shoulder, Ben stopped, swiveling round to get Finn's hand off of him. "What?" He wasn't expecting a hug. Finn embraced Ben tightly, and sighed, before saying.
"I'm so sorry." Ben stood there for a minute, waiting for it to be over, and then his anxiety got the best of him. He broke down and let Finn hug him. He stood there a minute, not sobbing, not able to do anything except try and come to terms with the fact that Rey might die tonight. He knew that she was going to eventually, but he was never ready for it, especially now. She might die tonight and it's your fault, you let her go to that dance, and she got sick. "This isn't your fault," Finn told him. "I know you like blaming yourself for things that are out of your control, but Rey is terminally ill--" His throat caught and he swallowed hard, "--and she knew what might happen. She wanted to spend every single moment that she could with you, she wants to spend every single moment that she can with you." Ben let goo of Finn and sat down across from him.
"Rey will be fine," Poe said. "She always is." All three of them knew that it was a lie. Rey was not going to be fine. She'd never gone through seizures like that before, or had a heart attack, this was going to weaken her at least. Poe looked down and fidgetted for a few minutes before getting up and saying, "Did someone call Luke?"
"The hospital might have but I'm not sure,"
"Well, I'll go call him okay? You guys stay here, Rey might be out of surgery soon and then--"
Then they'll know how much time she had left. Ben wished that he could be numb in this moment, he wished that he didn't feel anything, but there was nothing but feeling. He remembered the day that his mother died, the sheer anger that he felt at himself, at the world for taking her way too early, he had just stopped getting over it. He had just stopped crying himself to sleep and now this... this...
He loved her.
Oh god, he loved everything about Rey, and he might fucking lose her tonight. He found himself reliving all the times that he had avoided her, tried to forget her, and tried so hard to write her out of his life, and regretting every single second of it.
He had been such a stupid jerk.
He had wasted precious time that he could have had with her and left her alone for so much time.
God he was a fucking waste.
He remembered everything, the way she would have flecks of paint on her clothes for days after she finished painting, the way the sun would dance on her skin, and how she was so soft... He knew all of that and so much more...
The doors to the hospital wing opened and a nurse came through the doors. At first Ben hadn't registered the fact that she was headed towards them, but she said, "Are you Miss Kenobi's friends?" Ben was the first to get up.
"Yes! Is she okay?" The woman's face should have been telling.
"She's not responding to our medicine--" It was then when Ben went deaf. His heart dropped so much that it hurt. He stumbled backwards, trying to catch his balance, trying to catch his breath. He didn't see someone else push through the door behind her. God he was so stupid. So so stupid. She was dead. She was dead. She was dead. There was nothing else he could do about it. He wasted time and he was an ass. He didn't get enough time. He hadn't gotten enough fucking time. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair.
He almost didn't hear the second nurse saying that Rey was awake.
"She's awake?" Finn said. "Ben, she's awake. When can we go back and see her?"
"Give it a few minutes," The nurse said. "We're still putting her in a room, it's going to take a minute."
With that the both of them left, and Poe and Luke came around the corner. "Is she--?"
"She's awake," Ben said.
The drop in his heart had done something to him. He was out of breath, for sure, but it was something else. Like he had been pulled out the Earth's gravity and was constantly off center. He sat down, trying to think about every thing that had just gone through his head and sort it all out while Poe, Finn, and Luke talked amongst each other.
Ben felt like he was sitting there for hours before they had gotten him up and they followed a nurse to go see Rey. He wasn't sure what he expected and what to expect. He just kept feeling like he was going to vomit, each time he thought about the prospect of losing her it only got worse.
It was only going to get worse, he thought to himself.
Every part of Rey was numb. She had never been on so many drugs in her life, but she was glad she was, she didn't want to know what the pain would be like without the drugs. She didn't see or hear Finn, Poe, Luke, and Ben enter the room but she tried her best to smile when she saw them.
"Hey," she managed. She reckoned that she must look like shit. Ben started to cry the second she spoke. She looked over to Finn in confusion. He didn't last too long either. It was Poe who came forward to her side and said,
"Rey, you had a heart attack. You weren't responding to their attempts to wake you up."
Oh.
Silence.
Rey knew that nothing was going to keep Ben or Finn from crying. Nothing to do to protect them. She wished that she could get up and comfort them both but she couldn't move a thing beyond her upper half. "They said that you lost all muscle control in your legs." Poe said.
She knew she should be upset.
She knew it was going to happen though.
"Ben?"
He looked up, tears still streaming down his face, and walked forward to meet her at the side of her bed. Everyone else took the cue to wait out in the hallway. Rey was glad she didn't have to say anything else. Her throat hurt too much to do that. "Hey," His voice cracked as he tried to calm himself down, and ultimately failed.
"Hey," She tried to smile, to reassure him that everything would be fine. She knew it would be a lie to tell him that it was though. She could feel it coming up on her quicker than expected. She was too weak to run from it. "Why are you crying?"
"You know why I'm crying," He almost laughed as he grabbed her hand. She squeezed it tiredly.
"Sit down, you look bad."
"Yeah I know," he followed her order, still holding her hand.
"We need to talk,"
"What do you want to talk about?"
"We need to talk about when I'm gone--" Ben opened his mouth to interrupt, but decides against it. "--because you know it's going to happen. And sooner rather than later too." It was the cold truth, and she didn't want to say it, but it was time she confronted it. "I don't want you to stop playing piano because of me," She said. "I want you to be happy and create and do things you love."
"I-"
"That means going to that recruitment thing and playing the piano," She had to stop to catch her breath and she closed her eyes. "You go and you play your goddamn ass off okay?"
Tears were threatening to escape from her eyes when she opened them. "I love you," He said.
"I love you too,"
He was at the recital. He had made sure that he was the first one to get up there and there was a camera so Rey could hear him play back at the hospital. He had made sure that he had the piece he was going to play and he made sure that everything was ready ahead of time.
That didn't mean he was ready.
He hated this.
He wanted to be with Rey, but she wanted him to play, so he was playing. The piece was something he had written something himself, but he had never practiced it before. This had to be the definition of winging it.
He was told to begin.
Even though the camera was shitty quality, Rey could still tell that Ben was nervous. It was in his everything.
She wished she could be there.
Comfort him.
But she sat here with Finn's computer, watching the performance over Skype.
He began to play.
Everything started to go numb.
He remembered feeling like he was drowning for a moment, not remembering the keys, but it only took himself to remember who he was playing for. He wasn't playing for the assholes that were judging this or even himself.
He was playing for Rey, and that's why it had to be perfect. This was her song. Her tribute.
This was everything Rey meant to him and more. It was the days they spent arguing back and forth, it was the days where he would cook her macaroni and they would watch the Twilight Zone and Gilmore Girls together, it was the moments where she would cuddle up to him in bed and remind his of everything that was right with the world in the moment, it was the way she painted him like he was some sort of goddamn hero in every picture he was in.
He played like he needed oxygen, and the only thing giving it to him was the music that was flowing out of his fingertips.
In a way it was.
Ben wasn't sure if he would still be here with out it. No, he was sure he wouldn't be there.
Ben played so much that everything around him dissolved and in front of him, he saw a small girl on the bench next to him.
"Hey," She said. "You look sad. Don't worry, I'll be your friend. I'll make you smile." Ben bit back tears and looked back to the piano. He kept playing, kept remembering all those times where Rey would glow in a way he didn't think was possible.
He was reaching the end of the song now, and an older version of her was on the bench with him now. She still looked much healthier than she actually was. "It's lovely, you know. I'm glad you'll remember me like this. There's nothing better to be remembered by." She got up from the seat and kissed him on the forehead as the song got quieter and quieter and then walked beyond the piano, her figure disappearing in the bright lights. He wished he could see where she was going. He wished he could follow her.
He couldn't.
He stopped playing.
The song was over.
The song was over and Finn had closed the computer for her and placed it back in his bag. Rey could feel herself drifting, looking up at the bright lights as her breathing got shallower and shallower. Finn was the one to bring her out of it. "Hey, Rey."
"Hey," She winced, a twinge in her shoulder making her uncomfortable for the slightest of seconds. "Whats up?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to make sure... Is there anything you want Ben to have?"
"I left a will-"
"No... I mean... Did you leave a note?" She nodded.
"Where is it?"
"Art supply box in my room." She said. Finn nodded, saying something about how he would remember that, before he carried on talking like it was a normal day for the two of them.
She wished it was.
Ben ran. He didn't think it would take so long to get back to the hospital, but while he was in traffick, Finn had called. She didn't have long left.
He ran, his lungs screaming, he had to get to her room.
He had to be there.
He had to.
He had to get there.
She didn't have long left.
Rey always thought death would be painful, and more cold, but she felt really warm at the moment. Finn was there. Poe was there. Luke was there and Ben came charging through the door.
He stopped when he saw her, but then came forward to hold her hand. This time he didn't cry. He was holding it back, she could tell. She wished she could grab his hand in return but she couldn't feel a thing. He kissed her on the forehead and she felt a small wave of pleasure run through her head. "It's okay," He told her. "I'm here," He says. "I'm here." He sniffs and then says, "Hey, we're forever okay? Even if it means the next life."
Suddenly she sees a flush of green, some blues and purples, and then yellow, a field of sun flowers, a dark blue sky full of stars that twinkle all sorts of different colors, she remembers being here. Being happy. She sees her grandfather and Leia and knows that she's finally at home.
It's 11:50.
She's gone.
The funeral was small. Luke, Poe, Finn, and Ben were the only ones still alive that knew her the best.
The funeral was nothing short of colors. There was paintings of hers on display and a sermon. All sorts of flowers lined her casket. Most importantly, the sunflowers from the field that Finn and Poe had shown her. The field that she loved so much.
Ben was going to get up to say something but he broke down.
He couldn't do it.
He couldn't. Not while everything else was there.
He played a song for her on the piano instead. The first song she had ever heard him perform. He tried to play her song, but felt himself shaking.
Everyone was crying uncontrollably, especially watching Ben clutch to her coffin, slumped over as the pastor finished her ceremony.
Ben watched her get buried next to her uncle. He stayed there until everyone else went to the car. "I wish I could say something with breaking down like a useless idiot," He said to her grave. "I wish that you were still alive so I could tell you... Julliard offered me a scholarship... I wish I could take you to New York. I bet you would love it." This was senseless. She wasn't hearing any of this. She was fucking dead. "Listen uh... Finn gave me the note you wrote for me before you um... Passed... And I..." He took it out of his pocket. "I haven't gotten around to reading it because... I just... I couldn't bring myself to do it." He said. "But I figured since you were here I could read it now. That would make it better. Right?" Silence. Ben unraveled the note and read it allowed. "Dear Ben, if you are reading this you'll know that I am dead. I want to start this letter by saying I am so sorry for leaving you and causing the amount of pain that I'm causing you at this moment. -- Hey, Rey... It's not your fault, you know, it's not your fault... Don't blame yourself-- I wish that I could hug you and kiss you and our time wouldn't be cut so short, but it is. Because life is unfair. Life is unfair and cruel and mean but that does not mean it can't also be kind. Life was kind to me in the fact that I got to be friends, that I got to be girlfriend to you. You may not believe it, but you were the only person who was ever for me, and even through all the shit we have been through, I love you to pieces and I always will. I will always love you, and I have faith in every thing you do. You will no doubt be okay, just let yourself believe that you will be. I know it will be hard and I know that if I was in the same position I wouldn't be able to do this, but I ask of you to make sure you take care of yourself and chase your dreams. That's all I ask of you. Oh, and if it helps-- look for me in the colors you see around you. I'm going to stop this letter before I ramble more, I love you and I will find you in the next life."
The letter ended with her signing her name and putting a small flower by it too. Ben folded up the note, and took in a big sigh. Something about the note had cleared out all of the pent up agressions he had left in him at the moment. He looked up to the sky, between the birds chirping in the trees and the leaves reflecting sunlight, he could see a rainbow above him, he saw butterflies fluttering around him, and he knew that he was going to be okay.
Rey made sure of that.