Chapter Text
Fuck.
He's that guy. He's the guy who ruined everyone's good time by being too sensitive. He freaked out and killed the mood. But it's Kanji's fault! Kanji is the one who made him this way by acting all weird! And it's Teddie's fault for making it worse! If they had just cut it out, things wouldn't have had to be this way! He can't call Souji. He left his phone at Chie's house and he can't just go back. Everyone probably hates him now. At least for tonight. Chie will probably punt him all the way back to his own front door.
Yosuke's shaking legs give way the minute he arrives at the Samegawa Floodplain. He takes in large, greedy gasps of air trying to catch his breath. He wipes his face of the sweat that freezes in the frigid air and finds the chill isn't good enough to bring him back down to Earth. So he dips his hands into the cold water at his knees and splashes the water on his face. The icy cold anchors him down to the world of the living. He sinks back onto his haunches and buries his face into his hands.
Did he really just sprint all the way here from Chie's house? Yes. He did. Goddammit.
For a moment, he hopes the silence will kill him before the embarrassment does. He shouldn't have snapped like that but he can't help it. Teddie's spin the bottle idea was so fucking dumb and he didn't think Kanji would actually go through with it. Why couldn't it have landed on Rise? That would've been so much easier. Whatever, he's caught his breath and he has something more on his mind than “bail now”. He should start the shameful trek home. He needs a headstart on pretending to sleep before Teddie gets home.
However, the minute he stands to his feet, Yosuke's thoughts of home are eaten up by the memory of Kanji's rough, chapped lips on his and the split second of oh god yes, that came before the panic. Since Souji went back to the city hanging out with just Kanji and Teddie is normal but even the bear can see things will always be weird between him and Kanji.
Yosuke wants to make one thing very clear. He's. Not. Like. That. If Kanji's secure in his Man's manly man-ness, then great. Awesome. But sometimes, Yosuke just can't deal. His dad would disown him if he ever caught him doing even half of the shit Kanji does. A new jolt of fear runs through him at the thought of Teddie just spilling everything that happened tonight in his usual excited rants. Shit. He'll need to get to his Dad before Teddie does. What if he's already there?
Panic hits him for a second time that night. Pivoting on his heel, he makes to sprint to his house when he sees none other than the root cause of all his anxiety. Time skips a few seconds, just to let the two stare at each other. Unstoppable Force meet Immovable Object.
“Senpai...!” Kanji makes the mistake of starting out aggressive. Yosuke won't have any of it.
“No.” It sounds like an accusation with the way Yosuke jobs his finger at him. “No, no and no. Fuck you, okay? That was way over the line!” Perhaps if Yosuke hadn't been pointing so aggressively, he would've been able to slip past Kanji. It's not like the younger boy could ever catch up with him. Kanji managed to catch Yosuke's wrist in his left hand but even though, he's stronger his senpai nearly pulls his feet from where they're planted. “Let me go.” Yosuke demands, just barely managing to stay calm.
“No.” Some part of Kanji vaguely wonders if his tight grip hurts Yosuke-senpai's arm, but another part him could not-so-vaguely give a fuck.
“I'm serious. Let go.” Yosuke-senpai's teeth are barred now. Bright and sunny disposition is stripped away, revealing nothing but a raw need to run away. Kanji's quite the opposite and Yosuke has two options either stay or go through a boulder in the shape of his currently least favorite kouhai. Neither work in his favor.
“We need to talk, Yosuke-senpai. Ain't that what friends are supposed to do?” Kanji sounds more mature than he does and that just pisses him off more.
“Oh so you're the authority on that now?” Yosuke isn't worth much more than a cornered animal. “Last time I checked, friends – guy friends, two guy friends – aren't supposed to kiss either! The fuck is wrong with you?!” Yosuke attempts to shove Kanji aside but the younger boy smells his lack of conviction and pounces on him.
“You! You're such a fucking problem!” Rage makes Kanji blind to the hurt in Yosuke's eyes. “You've given me so much shit since we met, and then you have the balls to storm out when everyone having a good time and blame it on me!” Yosuke can't come up with any excuses, so Kanji digs his nails in, pouring out frustration he's kept clenched between his tongue and teeth for months. “Fuck me? Fuck you with your shit-eating grin and back handed comments! You think I'm blind? Deaf? You think every thing you say is just gonna roll off my back?” Yosuke's defenses blare sirens and scramble for an answer to questions he never thought were coming.
“It's not my fault you can't take a joke!” That's the worst thing he could have said because the next thing he feels is Kanji's fist crashing against his nose. The bridge of his nose and something in his heart, already so tightly wound snaps.
Yosuke's punches are actually pretty hard, Kanji realizes. He actually stumbles back before Yosuke grabs his collar.
“I'm not like that! I'm not like you!” Yosuke's voice brakes. Kanji pours himself into the cracks, determined to shatter him. He wants to hurt him. “I'm normal, goddamnit!” Yosuke shoves him but Kanji is not some stupid pushover.
“Fuck your normal!” And he shoves back – a little too hard, because Yosuke grabs him and they both tumble to the ground. “Aren't we a team? Aren't we friends?” Kanji is only vaguely aware that Yosuke can't breathe well with both side of his collar gripped in his fists. He can barely talk with senpai all but clawing his face, so he hits him again only to get his lips split by Yosuke's fist.
If they say anything else, it's lost to the sound of fists on flesh. Yosuke should've known he'd end up back on this riverbed, fighting. A year ago, he buried everything he hated about himself here. Now it's crawling from the ground ready to swallow him up and all he can do is struggle against it. He's just running from things again. After the TV World, after Souji, he's learned nothing. Deep down, Kanji know he's a hypocrite. He's lost count of the people he's hurt just to run away. To make matters worse, a lot of them didn't deserve it. Especially his mother, insulting her when he felt particularly confused and upset. Yet still, she's abiding and patient. He tries to be like her when it comes to Yosuke-senpai but he's so tired and angry. It hurts to watch someone you respect and admire become someone nasty and hateful just because you've exposed some side of them they can't bear to see. Of course he doesn't mean to hurt him, but Kanji is goddamn sick of paying for Yosuke's emotional baggage.
They fight until they're just uselessly wrestling on the ground which takes an astounding five minutes. There's no rush of the river, nor chirping crickets not even the sound of the wind through the trees, just the harsh ragged sounds of their breathing. Yosuke's hands won't stop shaking long enough to get a grip Kanji's collar. Kanji looms over Yosuke, still straddling his waist, but he can barely keep himself upright. Dizzy and bloody, these two boys have nothing else between them. Amazing how so much frustration can build up over just a year and half.
Yosuke blames himself. Kanji lets him.
“I know.” Kanji's words sound more damaged than he'd like. “I know that you...you think you gotta say this shit so people will like you.”
“Stop...” Broken little pleas aren't going to stop him.
“I know you're scared.” Kanji insists. “But it's not my fault! I'm not responsible for any of your fucking hang-ups! The only thing the kept me from beating the shit out of you was the fact that once you forgot everything you thought about me, you treated me like an equal – a friend – you even bragged about me when I wasn't around. Not even Souji-senpai did that.” Yosuke opens his mouth like he's going to protest but doesn't see the point. “Then suddenly you'd remember and you'd start back up again, needling me with your annoying bullshit. So why? Why me?” Kanji is answered with with a moment's hesitation.
Kanji is right. Days where Yosuke feels lonely or even just a little sad, he can't handle feeling exposed. Being the one with talent and of actual use in this world, Kanji makes him feel like skin after ripping off a bandage. Some days, he's the bandage; useful for a while but thrown away and eventually forgotten. In Kanji, he sees the power to accept the unacceptable. Power that he doesn't have.
“So?” Kanji prompts him to speak.
“So? So what?” Yosuke's nasty side shows but there's no heat behind it. He's tired of fighting but shame fuels his attitude. “I'm the king of excuses, and I don't have one. I have absolutely nothing to say for myself. As usual.” Yosuke looks out into the river, wondering briefly what it would feel like to drown in it. At least it'd get rid of the headache. The hell was he thinking fighting Kanji, of all people? He'll be lucky if he can stand upright after this. Something in Yosuke always has to push his luck. Good looks, a shit-eating grin and a passable sense of humor have to be good for something because it's all he has. “Get off me.” He demands.
“Give me a decent answer.” Kanji spits back.
“That's all I've got.” Yosuke offers bitterly.
“That's not good enough.” Kanji declares.
“Get used to it.” Yosuke replies with all the venom of a cornered animal. He has nothing left to offer. He tries to shove Kanji off of him again but the adrenaline is fading and the pain is setting in and Kanji wrestles him back down. “I don't know, okay?” That's a lie. They both know it. “I don't know why it's always you. Maybe try turning that shit down and stop being so – mmmph!” Yosuke words die in Kanji's mouth. The kiss is rough, mean and full of teeth. Yosuke's shock doesn't stop him from kissing back. Again. Goddamnit, why? Why can't he stop himself? Why is he like this? What kind of fucked up person is he?
“Then answer this question...” Kanji grinds out against his lips. “Why do you keep kissing back?” He doesn't give Yosuke a chance to answer and kisses him again and again until Yosuke can't tell the difference between fighting Kanji and fighting himself.
Yosuke drowns in blood, spit and snot as their lips clumsily smash together. This is disgusting, it's wrong, it hurts but he still finds himself sinking under the thought that it's been so long since he's been close to someone like this. His eyes slide shut and his mouth falls open. The taste of Kanji's tongue makes him gasp. Kanji acts on instinct, all the answers to his questions have been answered without Yosuke having to say a word. He understands now.
Loneliness is a bitch.
Maybe it's karma. Kanji didn't just beat up motorcycle gangs and bullies, he hurt plenty of people who didn't deserve it too. Even going so far as to shout down his own mother and storm out of the house for days on end without caring how concerned she might be. Maybe Yosuke's barbs at his expense are just a taste of the pain he caused. Perhaps that's thinking a little too much into it. Kanji doesn't consider himself the deepest thinker. That's why he's making out with Yosuke in the dirt. Well, that and Yosuke-senpai's lips are really soft.
“Senpai...” Kanji mutters. Yosuke can barely manage eye contact. He doesn't know what to say, so his mouth leaps on the first thing that pops into his head.
“Your face looks terrible.” Nailed it.
“You don't look much better.” Kanji shoots back, but he manages to throw a smirk to Yosuke who just rolls his eyes and silently admits defeat. “We should get cleaned up or something.” He mutters. Slowly, he gets to his feet, roughly wiping his bloody nose. He looks down at his senpai who runs a trembling hand through his hair. Those shakes don't look so good. Kanji puts it off as cold, but that rattling sigh puts him ill at ease. With a sharp intake of breath, Kanji suddenly realizes something very important. “You're not...you don't have a coat...”
“Geez nothing gets by you doesn't it? I left it when I bolted out of Chie...hey wait! We just played tonsil hockey on a riverbank. Are we just going to ignore that?” Yosuke squeaks indignantly. His head reminds him a little too loud, or maybe he's being punished. He's willing to bet on the latter considering everything that just happened. Kanji's answer is just to offer him a hand up. Yosuke almost rebuffs him. He doesn't deserve the help when he's like this. But he's still shaking. He might as well.
If there's a difference between kisses and handshakes, their heart can't tell the difference.
Yosuke can get the sensation of bare skin on skin out of his head until Kanji helps him to his feet, then his head is filled with black spots and colors running together. His body can't catch up to them and his knees buckle.
“Whoa! Senpai!” Hand in hand or not, Yosuke falls so fast, Kanji almost doesn't catch him. “I didn't hit you that hard did I?” Panicking, Kanji leans down so Yosuke can rest on his shoulder, like Souji-senpai used to. Yosuke seems to like it because the other boy just leans into him with a soft sigh.
“No...I'm just...dizzy. I stood up to fast.” Yosuke replies snippily but the venom dies as soon as he realizes how much his head hurts. “I don't...I don't feel so good, man.”
“Like gonna puke not-so-good or...?” Kanji doesn't remember hitting Yosuke in the head that many times or that hard. He's given people concussions before. He's not sure what he'd hoped to accomplish here, but hitting a friend hard enough to potentially fuck up their brain is not one of them.
“No, just cold.” The adrenaline is officially dead leaving Yosuke a little too aware of his surroundings. Kanji breathes a tentative sigh of relief. At least there are no head injuries.
“Let's get you inside then.” Kanji doesn't have the leverage to check his watch but it has to be after midnight. He's never met Yosuke's parents, but he has a sinking feeling that he'll have a lot of explaining to do rolling in without Teddie and covered in bruises. They climb the stairs up and out of the floodplain in silence but something feels like it's clinked into place. It's cold, but Kanji is warm and gentle. He's softer than the frozen floodplain. He smells like sweat, dirt and Junes Brand Shower Gel for Sensitive Skin. It's a good smell. Ashamed, Yosuke leans on his kouhai, depending on him to get him home. Kanji on the other hand, feels a little proud.
Turns out some things can be solved with your fists.