Sashy



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    The universe had decided Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov were perfect for each other, so it sent them an unmistakable sign. Unfortunately, the two of them have a lot of practice in mistaking things. So the universe tries again, and again.

    Or: how many soulmate tropes does it take to get two oblivious hockey boys together?

    “Dude, did you get a tattoo?”
    Shane looked over. Shelly, who had the stall next to his at the CN Sports Complex locker room, was staring at Shane’s left arm.
    “Uh, no?”
    “What the fuck is it, then? Looks gnarly as hell.”
    Shane looked down at the dark squiggly shape on his delt, an irregular blob slightly bigger than a loonie. Its edges were a series of indentations and protrusions, kind of like a jigsaw puzzle piece. If he’d seen this on anyone else, he would’ve assumed it was a tattoo, too. A shitty one that should be lasered off ASAP.
    “I don’t know,” he said. “It kinda showed up out of nowhere, like, last night.”

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    27 May 2026

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    The sports world is baffled when Ilya Rozanov doesn't renew his contract with Boston and isn't in any hurry to sign with a new team. It descends into pure chaos when shortly thereafter, Montreal's captain Shane Hollander announces his early retirement. As does Ilya Rozoanov. On the same day. That the rivals are getting married is the last straw to a collective psychosis that reaches all parts of society.
    Or:
    The Tuna Melt Incident went differently. They chose each other. An exit strategy was formulated. The plan: Happily Ever After starts at 27.

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    24 May 2026

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    Or: The Shane Hollander Is Fucking Ilya Rozanov and Will Accept No Further Questions, Team Powerpoint Presentation

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    19 May 2026

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    HARRIS Fun fact: by the time someone has done a Big Year, they've been birdwatching for 24 years on average. How long have you been birdwatching?

    ILYA There are loons that live at the cottage. I have seen them many times.

    Cut to: footage of loons diving and surfacing on a lake.

    ILYA They are not scary at all.

    Cut to: footage of Ilya jumping at the sound of a loon call and yelling for Shane.

    ---

    Or: Shane and Ilya attempt a Big Year of birdwatching across Canada and film it to raise money for the Irina Foundation. It goes about as you'd expect.

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    14 May 2026

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    Anyway, Shane didn't remember exactly what was in the folder ... But he knew they were all good shots of him.

    He hastily clicked open the folder, his eyes barely glancing through the dozen or so shots there, vaguely registering a picture with a sunset background from his condo balcony, something of him laughing, a picture of him working at his laptop with his glasses on...

    The director called him again, and he shook his head, the photos blurring. Whatever. It would have to do.

    He clicked "select all," then the messages icon, then Rozanov's name. Hit send.

    ----

    Or: When never-hooked-up Shane and Ilya have to collaborate on a league charity project, Shane accidentally sends Ilya a nude.

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    03 May 2026