selfdestructive_wallflower



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  1. Public Bookmark *

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    Once outside, he leaned forward and put his hand against the cold stone wall. His phone was still to his ear, the message still recording. 

    “Ilya. Please. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. Please. You can’t be dead.” His voice broke on the word. “I love you. I love you so much. More than anything. I need to hear your voice. I need you to…I need you…I need you…fuck. Please Ilya, please.” 

    Shane took the phone away from his ear and held it between both hands as though he were praying. He realized he was on the floor and didn’t know how he got there. He was crying. He was fairly certain he was hyperventilating. 

    His brain was desperately trying to grab at anything. Any thread of logic. Any idea of what to do next. 

    I have to see him. 

    Yes. That made sense. Shane needed to get to Tampa. Now. He would go there. He would find Ilya. Ilya would be fine. They would be together. He would see him. Tell him how much he loved him. He had to go. He had to go now. 

    ***

    OR: What if Ilya lost his phone during the emergency landing, Shane couldn't reach him, he panicked, and chartered a plane to Tampa to find him instead...

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    08 May 2026

  2. Public Bookmark *

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    Ilya doesn’t even realize when Arthur slips from his thoughts. There’s no sharp turn, no clear moment where the article stops being about a little boy who loves reptiles and starts being about the man lying beside him in bed. It just… happens. The way his mind always seems to find Shane eventually, like water finding its lowest point.

    a character study on shane’s undiagnosed autism

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    06 May 2026

  3. Public Bookmark *

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    Ilya Rozanov has a "tiny car accident" (his words). Shane Hollander has a full-scale, system-shutdown panic attack about it. Meanwhile, a horrified Hayden is praying for someone to throw him in a lake and tell him that this is all just a big joke, or maybe for a meteor strike; he is really not picky. J.J., on the other hand, is trying to bleach the image of his sweet captain making out with Ilya fucking Rozanov from his brain.

    It's a very normal day for the Montreal Canadiens.

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    02 May 2026

  4. Public Bookmark 64

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    Shane likes things in order. Ilya likes to pretend he doesn’t. After too many games, too little sleep, and a dinner party they shouldn’t have hosted, a stupid argument spirals into something neither of them can take back.
    Old habits resurface. Old wounds echo. Ilya storms out. Shane reflects and reaches for something he never has before. Somewhere between a cigarette and years of almosts, they figure out how to come back to each other again.

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    19 Apr 2026

  5. Public Bookmark *

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    The term, he’s told, is temporary retrograde amnesia. Ilya doesn’t need the direct translation to understand: he forgot things. Ten years of things.

    Language:
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    04 Apr 2026