Connie Swap Omake Collection

by BinaryGeek, br42, BurdenKing, citrusella, CoreyWW, Cyberwraith9, Darkspirit, leo60228, meooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww333, MjStudioArts, SilverScribe, TheInvaderZim, Unwary, Wierdkid20

Summary:

Omakes and deleted scenes for the Connie Swap series.

Canonical, loosely-canonical, or just for the heck of it, this is a collection of stand-alone or supplementary works set in the Connie Swap AU. Includes fics written by the Connie Swap Team as well as works submitted by other wonderful authors.

Chapter 1: Omake Master List

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, TheInvaderZim

Summary:

This is intended to be a comprehensive list of all of the omakes written for Connie Swap. Some link to other AO3 fics, some link to within the Connie Swap Omake Collection itself, and still others link to sites outside of AO3 entirely. What they all have in common is that they were created by fans of the fic.

Citrine's Room by br42 - "Connie needs to find more data for her mother's room to complete its simulation. She goes to her dad and each of the gems for something of Citrine's."

 

Connie Swap Style Guide by br42 - "A guide outlining some of the details surrounding the main characters of Connie Swap." This is 100% official.

 

What Can I Do For You? by CoreyWW - "Doug did miss Citrine, missed her every day. And he hated that he let that show in front of Priyanka as much as he did ... But the thing that really made him hate himself was the small, idle thought in the back of his mind of how good it felt when Priyanka hugged him ..." This is 99% canonical.

 

Fond Reminiscence by SilverScribe - "Sometimes happy memories lead to unbearable pain..."

 

Creative Writing by CoreyWW - "The Adventures of Lady Connaline and Lord Stefan is a bit of creative writing Connie does when no one’s around. What happens when her hidden bit of fiction gets found out?"

 

Still and Silent by Cyberwraith9 - "As Connie struggles to find her sword again, Jasper shows her a secret technique from a time long ago."

 

Gem Swap by timeisweird - “'So what is this thing, Pearl?' he asked, looking to the pale Gem besides him. 'It’s a dimensional stabilizer, but don’t worry, Steven. It’s harmless in its current state.'" Note: Contains an original promo pic from MJStudioArts.

 

Self by citrusella - "I've been me my whole life and somehow I still don't know what that means." Steven frets over the way he feels about different parts of his identity, but not before having an exciting day of adventure and discovery. Chapter 2 is effectively canonical.

 

Happy New Year by SilverScribe - "The new year brings new challenges for some and old challenges for others. Or, the immediate aftermath of the Crystal Gems crashing of Steven's New Year's Eve party."

 

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary by CoreyWW - "Greg can tell that Mary is troubled by the events of New Year's Eve."

 

The Boss Fight by CoreyWW - “An exploration of what might have happened during Doug’s visit to the Universe household.”

 

Give Me A Sign by Jess4400 - “Ronaldo tries to teach Connie and Steven this language he calls ‘Gem Gestures.’ Connie and Steven try to teach Ronaldo ASL. Many facepalms ensue.”

 

Momma-Dot by MJStudioArts - “Peridot is home alone with baby Connie.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Momma-Dot 2.0 by MJStudioArts - "Connie the toddler tries to talk to Peridot." This fic is 100% canon.

 

Momma-Dot 3.0 by MJStudioArts - “Lapis returns home to visit Peridot and the baby.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Comic Relief by citrusella - “Jeff and his new friend, Steven, begin an art project to make school in general, and the lunches specifically, more bearable.”

 

Power Testing: Force Field by br42 - “Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and Steven spend the day testing Connie's force field power, discovering both the limits of her new ability as well as the limits of her patience.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Hair Dye by Jess4400 - “Steven finds some hair dye. Connie finds a confidant.”

 

Feed A Fever by br42 - “Connie has gotten sick and Steven has rushed over to join Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper in helping the girl get better."

 

Diving To New Depths by Jess4400 - “Steven convinces Connie to learn how to scuba dive with him.”

 

Best wishes, Connie And Steven, Saviors of the World by Jess4400 - “The Gems can't take Connie to a mission in a volcano. Bummer, huh? Now she's getting dragged into going on a road trip with Steven, who is visiting his uncle Andy with his family in Mountain Town. Sounds fun, right? That's what she thought, too, until they get stranded at a Waffle House at 1 a.m. with a corrupted gem on their tail. Written for the Connieswap prompt, 'Travel.'”

 

Steven and Connie Do A Let's Play by Jess4400 - "Steven introduces Connie to Undertale."

 

Love Me Like You Do by Jess4400 - Based on the Week 2 prompt from the Connie Swap Tumblr.

 

Love Me Like You Do by MJStudioArts - “Lapis' sleep is troubled and she turns to Peridot for help.”

 

Story of a Sidekick by br42 - "The story of Timeline #2's Steven and his progression from friend to sidekick to something both more and less." This fic is 100% canon.

 

TV Tropes page for Connie Swap created by fan, fellow fanfic author, and person of numerous fine qualities, TheDoomKitten.

 

War Never Changes by H_C - "Lapis has finally returned and Connie has had some growing questions about the war." Based on the Connie Swap Discord prompt of the same name.

 

The Quest for the Specially Marked Box by Cyberwraith9 - "A shopping trip with Peridot quickly becomes an endurance trial for Connie, until the pair encounter a despicable foe intent on keeping them both from their heart’s desire: for Peridot, a treasure she thought she lost long ago, and for Connie, getting her afternoon back."

 

Home Is Where the Dot Is by SilverScribe - "Lapis wants to spend some quality time with her favorite gem on her first night back at the beach house."

 

Babysitters Lars and Sadie: Featuring the Jelly Buds by Jess4400 - "Lars and Sadie watch Steven while Mary is away. Connie gets into some trouble with a new friend. Steven's just happy that the jelly from the donuts makes a good hair gel."

 

This video that thelittlemerms (a.k.a. mermaid in the Discord) created about Lapis and Peridot, set to the tune of Bei Mir Bist Du Schon (i.e. the song Lapis and Peridot fused to).

 

First by Crooked_Mantis - "Doug receives a message."

 

Ask a Question for Peridot’s What-If Machine by br42 and CoreyWW - "Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention. Responses are mixed."

 

Beach City Limits Deleted Scenes by br42 and CoreyWW - "Two scenes were deleted from Episode 14, Chapter 3: Priyanka’s Pre-Confrontation Digression and a fuller version of what Lapis overheard from the Junk Food Jockeys."

 

Power Testing: Electricity and Energy Aura by br42 - “Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and Steven spend the day testing Connie's electricity power and aura of radiated gem energy. Connie learns more about both her powers and the unfortunate number of electricity puns out there.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Connie Swap: Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection by br42 and CoreyWW - "Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention: a device that can scour the Multiverse, answering hypothetical questions with brief scenes. Questions are asked by readers of the Connie Swap series and the Connie Swap Team writes mini-omakes which are then posted to this collection. The answers are stand-alone and non-canonical."

 

The Lost Episode - BR42 Edition by br42 - “After the disastrous New Year's party at the Universe's house, Lapis was gone for more than three months. This is a story of what she was doing for those 99 days.” This fic is mostly canon.

 

Crossing Over by TexasAndroid - “Connie and Steven are goofing off together when something strange happens to Steven. This marks the start of an adventure unlike any Connie has had before." Note: Contains an original promo pic from MJStudioArts.

 

Deleted Scenes - Ep16: Loud and Clear, Ch3: Citrine's Room by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MJStudioArts - "An alternate scene for the gems comforting Connie following her experience in Citrine’s Room"

 

Deleted Scenes - Ep16: Loud and Clear, Ch5: Do Not Bob To Nod by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MJStudioArts - "Alternate scenes including: Lapis and Connie play resulting in Lapis getting cracked, Lapis flees post-healing, Debriefing post-mission, Chapter ending with Steven and Connie."

 

J.UNI.OR. by Japkot - "Jasper UNIverse ORigin. Connie and Steven discover that she can summon her weapon, this time with a twist..."

 

Loud and Clear: Priyanka Epilogue by br42 - "Priyanka and Doug react following the family dinner in Ep16Ch4: Whine and Dine." This fic is 100% canon.

 

G.E.M. 001 by BurdenKing - "The secret government file on 001, a.k.a. Citrine a.k.a. Connie."

 

Veni, Vidi, Connie - Chapter 1 by Wierdkid20 - "Earth receives some unexpected visitors."

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 17: Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service by br42 - "Connie and Lapis narrate Wolf’s morning visit to the boardwalk."

 

Connie Finds Out About Lapis And Peridot's Secret Pop Career by br42, BurdenKing, MJStudioArts - "With Steven's VHS copy of the vintage Crying Breakfast Friends movie destroyed, Connie scours a seedy shop on the outskirts of Beach City looking for a replacement. She finds far more than she was expecting." Note: Contains original art from MJStudioArts. This is 100% canonical.

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 19: Sworn to the Shield by br42 - "One deleted scene and one alternate ending to Episode 19: Sworn to the Shield."

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 20: Together Breakfast by br42 - "Three alternate takes on the scene at the barn."

 

Me, Myself, and I by TexasAndroid - "A look at what might have happened with Steven and Connie between Together Breakfast Chapters 3 and 4."

 

Peridot's Secret by MK_Foodshops - "Peridot has been secretly attempting to gain magical powers, despite being an Era-2 gem. She believes that this time it will be successful for sure. However, everything goes awry when a certain somebody shows up unexpectedly. What will happen now that her secret is out?"

 

Escape from Homeworld by br42, BurdenKing, MJStudioArts - "Novaculite, a warp pad technician and veteran from Earth, needs to find a way to the one planet she knows Homeworld won’t follow her." Note: Contains original art from MJStudioArts. This fic is 100% canon.

 

The ConnieSwap Vignettes - A collection of very short stories by MK_Foodshops - "A series of very short stories that takes place within the universe of ConnieSwap. Every short story could represent either a plot or not much of a plot at all. All in all, every story ranges all the way from slice of life like Lapis philosophizing about the universe while eating a coconut flavored donut to the final moments of a gem warrior more than 5000 years ago during the Gem War. This collection will be constantly updating."

 

Subplots, Running Jokes, and Nicknames Log by br42 - "A reference document filled with information about Connie Swap’s subplots and characters."

 

Bonus Scene - Episode 21: Lost and Found by br42 - "An explanation of where Wolf was during the excitement of Episode 21, Chapter 3." This is 100% canon.

 

Caught Off Balance by br42 - "Everyone knew that Rose and Citrine, leaders of the Rebellion, argued over strategy but Obsidian never expected anything to come of it." This is 100% canon.

 

Connie Swap: My Hero Marathon. Omake by Mandalore5 - "Connie, Peridot, and Jasper sit down to watch an anime Lapis is enthusiastic about: My Hero Academia. Jasper finds it surprisingly compelling."

 

Pet Store by br42 - "Having recently discovered Wolf's pocket dimension, Connie demonstrates it for Steven. Peridot is there to supervise. What they learn changes everything." This is... 75% canon? It's canon overall with non-canon silliness added.

 

Diamonds in the Rough by br42 - "It turns out, Connie isn't the only one with a startling secret to share."

 

Lutes and Loot by leo60228 - "Connie, Steven, Jeff, and Peedee have an exciting battle against an alien matriarch."

 

Universe Family House Layout by br42 - "A reference document detailing the layout of Mary, Greg, and Steven's Beach City home."

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 24: Gems-ology, The Collection by br42 - "One scene that we joked about in the Team chat but never seriously considered including in the episode."

 

Neimaat Visits Beach City - Draft Document by br42 and CoreyWW - "Neimaat, Steven's childhood friend, visits him in Beach City for the first time. Connie has mixed feelings." Takes place between Ep18 (Citrine's Sanctuary) and Ep19 (Sworn to the Shield). This is the draft document for an unfinished but canon omake.

 

The Joy of Cooking for Humans by alexandritemoon - "Steven realizes how perplexed Bismuth is by human needs; namely, stuff like making food that tastes good. In the interest of being a good Destiny Partner, he tries to save Connie from eating burnt cooking the best way he knows how: filming a cooking show. Will it work? Find out here!" This is 90% canonical.

 

Life and Death and Love and Birth by BinaryGeek - "Connie and Steven have decided they want to start a family, and Connie is pregnant. They now have to break this news to their families and the gems, despite its potentially bittersweet implications."

 

Power Testing: Shapeshifting by br42 - “Peridot, Connie, and Steven are determined to figure out what Connie can, can't, and shouldn't do regarding her newfound shapeshifting power. Jasper, Lapis, and Bismuth are along to help out and watch the show.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Exploration by BinaryGeek - "Mary tries to walk the fine line of respecting her son’s privacy, and making sure he and Connie are being sensible, especially when it comes to magic and fusion but also more human pastimes."

 

Twinkle, Twinkle by br42 - "During a relaxed evening of stargazing, Steven asks the gems where they're all from."

 

My Own Worst Enemy by Cyberwraith9 - "Connie is looking forward to a week all to herself, but finds herself stuck with a whole lot of Lapis instead! And when Beach City starts feeling especially blue, it's going to take a lot of patience and even more luck to survive the flood."

 

Alternate Episode - Bonnie Lockdrew/Be Wherever You Aren't by br42 - "An outline of the very different story Episode 15: Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls almost became. Warning: contains spoilers from Episode 27."

 

The End of an Era - The Unbroken Fortress by BurdenKing - “A gem seeks to learn about the end of the era, of the unbroken fortress, the Ziggurat.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Blind Date by Doc_Cairo - “After getting zapped, Connie and Peridot find themselves temporarily blind. Everything works out nicely though. Wholesome Connverse, with a hint of more mature Lapidot.”

 

A Couple of Clods by BinaryGeek - "After Peridot finds out about Connie and Steven's new relationship status, Lapis tries to defuse the situation."

 

Gemiverse by Moondragon8 - "Steven Universe, son of Rose Quartz, and Connie Maheswaran, daughter of Citrine, are best friends. Despite the fact that their guardians dislike each other, their mothers are shrouded in mystery, and they know far too little about the legacies they're bearing, they have each other, and it's fine. Because nothing can tear them apart. Right?"

 

Same Old Steven by citrusella - "Steven, trying to come to terms with what happened between him and Connie following Episode 16, decides to talk to his close friend Neimaat. He quickly gets more than he bargained for, but maybe that's just what he needs." This fic is 100% canon.

 

Colored Perception is NOT Covered by the Warranty by Wierdkid20 - "After the testing is over Bismuth learns she needs to up her standard of indestructible."

 

Unpleasant Reminder by Unwary - "Jasper struggles with the personal repercussions of the corruption event and the sudden, hollow victory."

 

Connieswap Meets the Harlem Globetrotters by Cyberwraith9 - "The Harlem Globetrotters have come to Delmarva, and are burning up the court of the Ocean Town Memorial Arena with their signature style! But what's this? Their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals, are looking a little more colorful than usual. Can our favorite sultans of swish defeat a bunch of polymorphic sentient rocks in a game of basketball? No!"

 

Weren’t we destiny partners? by Darkspirit - "Steven’s head is a mess as he tries to deal with [redacted]'s revelation and, more importantly, the tension between him and Connie. This happens while Steven, Connie, and the CGs are in [redacted]'s room, in Connie Epilogue of The Return episode." Summary redacted by br42 to spare anyone not as far as Episode 35 from noteworthy spoilers.

 

The End by TheInvaderZim - "At the end of everything, Connie and Steven reflect on their life together."

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 35: The Return by br42 - "There's trouble in the bubble as Pearl and her new master make their way down to Earth. An outtake from Ep35Ch9."

 

Gravity Swap by br42 - "P2 and Amethyst make a detour to visit this 'Mystery Shack' P2 is so curious about."

 

Turquoise Haven by Darkspirit - "Finding herself squished between inadequacy and anxiety thanks to Rose’s shenanigans, Peridot looks for some comforting and relaxation. Maybe her blue companion can help her."

 

Tales from the Rebellion: Frog Hunt by br42 - "During the Rebellion, a Ruby is finding this romance business a lot harder than she'd expected. Fortunately Garnet is there to offer the burgeoning romantic a mission to find the answers. A mission... to find a frog!"

 

It's Not Too Late To Try Again by Darkspirit - "After learning that Lapis went by the Universe household to talk about Connie’s grounding over fusing, Steven looks for more relationship/fusion advice from the other mature source he knows: his parents."

 

Power Testing: Metallokinesis by br42 - “Lapis, Jasper, Bismuth, Connie, and Steven spend the day testing Peridot's new ability to sense and manipulate metal. Observations, both scientific and decidedly unscientific, are made.” This fic is 100% canon.

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 39: Shattered Dreams by br42 - “As if Connie, P2, and Jasper's time locked in the temple wasn't surreal enough, here's a new wrinkle. An outtake from Ep39Ch3 - Ch5.”

 

Deleted Scenes - Episode 40: Out With the Old by br42 - “A very different, sillier, and more hyperbolic sequence was originally planned for Ep40Ch3. Read and find out how.”

 

The Shrine: After Hours - Episode 3 - Interviewing Connieswap authors! by Fire and DG - “This is episode 3 of our animation and TV show based podcast, The Shrine: After Hours! In this episode, we discuss the popular Steven Universe Fanfiction "Connieswap"! It is the longest fanfiction made for the series, even longer than the Harry Potter series! We interview the authors, ask questions regarding their inspiration and why they made the fic, as well as future plans for the series, had it continued.”

 

Cruel and Unusual Punishment by br42 - “Lapis is responsible for damages to a retail store but the blue gem is unrepentant. Lacking conventional means of making Lapis apologize for her misbehavior, Doug has to get creative.” This fic is mostly canon.

 

Consequences Don’t Bow to Righteousness by Darkspirit - "‘Mercy has a higher price than most people think’ - Lao Ge. The rise of Kyoshi. Two dimensions, one harsh lesson."

 

Interview Interlude: Part 1 by TheInvaderZim - "A lot has happened! Emerald only left town a couple of days ago, and a certain intrepid pursuer of the Truth has some questions about Connie's adventures. What better way to answer them in a long-form interview? Almost as a... recap, of sorts?" This fic is mostly canon.

 

Interview Interlude: Part 2 by TheInvaderZim - "Now halfway through her recap without hardly stopping for breath, Connie is full-steam-ahead to an action-packed conclusion. But can her Ronaldo tolerances withstand repeated blasts of conspiratorial mishistory? Maybe."

 

The Birth of Robonoid by TheInvaderZim - "Peridot longs for the days of competent tech - and with a few abortive attempts in the previous century as the exception, she's been without it for far too long. Fortunately, Earthly material sciences have advanced, since then - a new generation of robonoid awaits!" This omake is 100% canon.

 

Deleted Scenes - ANE E4Ch2: Free Donut Day by TheInvaderZim - Connie makes a brief detour to the Big Donut's reopening, and discovers something shocking. This Omake is 100% canon.

Chapter 2: Connie Swap Style Guide

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing

Summary:

A guide outlining some of the details surrounding the main characters of Connie Swap.

Notes:

BR42 here. There's lots of little details, some planned, some that just sort of showed up, that go into making the characters of Connie Swap distinctive from the canon counterparts. As the editor on the Team, all of this was just a sort of mental checklist I followed while revising outgoing prose. However the Team is growing and the interest in omakes seems to be as well, so I figured I really ought to make some of these explicit.

Thanks go out to CoreyWW for looking over an earlier version of the document and pointing at that maaaybe the guide shouldn't be 8+ pages long, containing miniature essays surrounding the characters and their quirks. Sometimes we help one another write. Sometimes we help one another not write. Both are important.

Regardless I hope you find this helpful and informative. Feel free to leave a comment if you felt like something was confusing or if there was something else you felt belonged in here.

Goal: To make explicit some of the details that help the characters of Connie Swap be distinctive from their canon counterparts. The hope is that this will help people who want to write Connie Swap content have an easier time doing so.

Connie

• Connie's behavior tends to shift a little depending on which Crystal Gem she's with: student-like with Peridot, serious/focused with Jasper, silly with Lapis.
• Despite being only 13, Connie has an extensive vocabulary and good critical thinking skills.
• Connie knows English, Tamil, French, and is learning American Sign Language. When she texts, she tends to use longer, more grammatical sentences.
• Around people other than the Crystal Gems and Steven, Connie has a tendency to get nervous and socially awkward.
• Connie's internal dialogue always refers to herself as "I", never "we", even when multiple 'voices' are arguing.
• Connie takes her glasses off when she's feeling rebellious. She doesn't seem to actually need them to see, despite Peridot's insistence to the contrary.
• Connie likes to use her powers casually, though too many force fields make it hard for her to think.
• Connie reaches for her gemstone without noticing when she's anxious or scared, but not when she's sad.
• Connie rarely uses nicknames, although she calls Peridot "ma'am".
• Connie wants to be a heroine like Lisa (protagonist of the Spirit Morph Saga), and thinks in that metaphor frequently.

Nicknames for Connie:
the girl, Con-Con (Lapis), squirt (Jasper), kiddo (Jasper), dear (Peridot), Alloy (Bismuth)

Steven

• Steven is often energetic and enthusiastic, though a bit impulsive or short-sighted.
• Steven adjusts his hearing aids and signs when he's unsure of the situation.
• Steven thinks Connie and the Crystal Gems are superheroes and interprets their magic and adventures through that metaphor.
• Steven knows English, American Sign Language, Muh-speak (Yellowtail) and is learning Tamil. When he texts, he tends to use shorter sentences with more text slang.
• Steven can be a little indecisive and usually waits for Connie or someone else to take the lead.
• Steven is comfortable in social circumstances and gets along with people well, though he can be a little naive.
• Steven has a habit of speaking quickly in run-on sentences in a stream of consciousness manner unless someone interrupts him.
• Steven will sometimes call the Gems "miss".
• Steven is very self-conscious about his musicianship. However, he knows quite a bit about instruments and music theory itself.
• Steven was raised in a tour bus and has many stories about moving around and living on the road.

Nicknames for Steven:
the boy, Pinkie/Pinkie Pie (Lapis), the Steven (Peridot), Universe (Peridot), Meatball (Bismuth)

Jasper

• Jasper doesn't eat or sleep.
• Jasper generally only plays around when Connie, Lapis, or Peridot draw her into it... though she really enjoys fighting.
• Jasper refers to humans (other than Doug) using gender neutral terms (e.g. it, they, them).
• Jasper always refers to Citrine as "Citrine", never "your mother" or some other name.
• Jasper speaks the least of any Crystal Gem. I try to have Jasper state what she wants to happen and only offer explanatory details when pressed for them.
• Non-verbal communication (e.g. nods, gestures, pointing) and other characters speaking up can all help keep Jasper reticent.
• Jasper does have a sense of humor as well as a fairly biting wit, even if she rarely chooses to express them.
• Jasper prefers simple and direct solutions.
• Other than "kiddo" and "squirt" for Connie, Jasper doesn't use nicknames.
• Jasper is slightly possessive and protective of Lapis.

Nicknames for Jasper:
the large gem, the large Quartz, the warrior, the orange gem, OJ (Lapis), Jaz (Bismuth)

Lapis

• Lapis is irreverent and silly 90% of the time.
• The other 9% of the time she's obsessing over gem ruins.
• The final 1% of the time she's scary as can be.
• Lapis makes frequent pop culture references and snarky observations. She often uses nicknames for others.
• Lapis eats with abandon and is a great lover of both human media and sleep. However, she does have a problem with nightmares.
• Lapis is a gem of emotional extremes, going from very bubbly to vicious if triggered.
• Lapis' control of water is clumsy on any volume smaller than a basketball.
• After doing something fun with her hydrokinesis, or when she's feeling whimsical or annoyed, Lapis often blows a raspberry.
• Lapis sometimes likes to "go smash" and fights in close with her mallet.
• Lapis will go to great lengths to avoid something unpleasant, including suddenly flying away.
• Lapis hates it when people bring up that whole "Atlantis" thing.
• Lapis really doesn't get along with Doug. She veers between camaraderie and antagonism towards Jasper.

Nicknames for Lapis:
the blue gem, the svelte gem, Lapi, Laz (Peridot), Lazuli (Peridot), Raindrop (Bismuth), Blue (Bismuth)

Peridot

• Peridot eats and sleeps a little. She mostly prefers sour things.
• Peridot is never seen without her limb enhancers. When describing her arms or fingers, you should use "limb enhancers", "floating fingers", and "hand-equivalent".
• Peridot does not use a gem weapon nor shapeshift. She gets cagey when asked about it.
• Peridot and her robonoids do probably 90% of the household chores.
• Since her limb enhancers are fragile, Peridot generally fights from afar and/or overhead.
• Peridot's dialogue (or Peri-phrasing) involves a lot of technical terms and multisyllabic synonyms (e.g. "topical ultra-violet protective cream" instead of "sunscreen").
• Peridot is extremely protective of Connie.
• Peridot can be a little awkward dealing with complicated teenager moments, usually relying on Lapis to handle them instead.
• Duct tape... lots of duct tape.

Nicknames for Peridot:
the green gem, the technician, Peri (Lapis), Dot (Lapis), P-Dot (Lapis), Periwinkle (Lapis), ma'am (Connie), Green (Bismuth)

Bismuth

• Bismuth almost never sleeps and likes to stay busy. She likes food just fine but finds most of it too bland. The spicier the better.
• Bismuth frequently shapeshifts her hands and arms to make tools or weapons for the situation. She'll scratch an itch by shapeshifting her hand into a chisel. If she's angry, she might unknowingly shapeshift weapon-hands the way others might clench their fists.
• Did you know 'Bismuth' sounds like 'Business?' IT DOES! This is comedy gold, the sort of joke that is still funny even thousands of years later.
• For Bismuth, the war was still going only a couple of months ago. Sometimes she forgets the Rebellion won and falls into old wartime habits. Sometimes she gets confused by modern things. This peace Bismuth takes some getting used to.
• Bismuth likes to give weapons away as gifts. You like spears? Of course you like spears. Have a spear. No, have two.
• Bismuth is pretty chill and accepting of things. Not a lot bothers her. It's Earth; everyone can do whatever they want!
• Bismuth gets really intense about the war and bringing down Homeworld's hierarchy. If she gets forgets the war is over, things can get... messy.
• Bismuth tends to fall back on building, smithing, or weapon metaphors when explaining things.
• Bismuth and Lapis prank and tease one another constantly.
• Build it stronger. Then, build it bigger. Then, add spikes. That's how you make a [guard tower, warhammer, fence, coffee table, teddy bear].

Nicknames for Bismuth:
the rainbow-haired gem, the smith, Biz(Lapis), BM (Lapis), Skittles (Lapis), Auntie Bismuth (Connie)

Chapter 3: Citrine's Room

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

Notes:

BR42 here. This fic was something I wrote back when I was about to make the transition from editor/comma-jockey to co-writer. Connie Swap is pretty much my first time writing anything of length or substance, so I went into this feeling pretty nervous about my ability to actually deliver. What I decided to do was panic then steal from my betters write something introductory with the characters and then ask a friend or two to look it over and provide feedback.

The other reason I wrote this fic was as an excuse to use some of my favorite pics of MJ's; all of which are lifted from the Connie Swap Tumblr.

This should be considered loosely-canonical at best. Some details are (mostly) accurate, others are conjecture, and if we do end up writing a Connie Swap-equivalent to Rose's Room it may end up looking nothing like this.

I hope you enjoy.

"Your father? I'm not sure," the towering yellow woman said, finger tapping her chin in thought. "What is time to an immortal, after all? The past, present, and future coalescing into a seamless-"

"No, no, no! Room: end simulation," said the much shorter brown girl, though with the same sunny gem as the now-dissolving giantess. "That last line was lifted from Welcome to the Wizard Wilds, which wasn't even written back when she was... she couldn't have read it, is my point."

A wizened goblin scribe, lifted directly from some Spirit Morph fan art Connie was particularly fond of, cleared its throat. "There was insufficient primary data to continue the simulation so the room extrapolated from secondary sources. Specifically, you, mistress."

Connie sighed, not really surprised but still a little disappointed. Isn't magic-as-wish-fulfillment supposed to be easy, by definition?, she groused internally.

"Room: open door. Room: suspend Gartleby the Scrivener." The goblin froze partway to dipping its quill in the inkwell it had on the little desk it sat at. Behind Connie, light that wasn't pervasively yellow filtered in.

Connie stepped out.

---

Fortunately, dad didn't have to leave for his next business trip for another few hours. Connie rode her bike to the extended-stay hotel he used when he was stopping over in Beach City and saw the lights on in his room.

Doug was hunched over a fold-out ironing board, dressed in boxers and an undershirt while getting the wrinkles out of a pair of slacks. A baseball game played on television but was muted, a docked myPad instead providing the soundtrack for Doug's laundering.

“Connie!” Doug said, looking up as Connie walked in. “How are you doing this morning--”

“I’m doing-- um ... dad?” Connie pointed to the ironing board. “The iron.”

“Huh?” Doug looked down, seeing smoke waft up from the pants. He gasped, pulled the iron away, and patted the smoke down (thankfully before it started a fire). He took a relieved breath a moment later.

“How’s laundry going?” Connie said with a smirk.

“Great,” replied Doug with a grunt. “I’m like a real adult man and everything.”

Connie chuckled and embraced him. “It’s okay, dad,” she said.

Doug gave a sweet smile as he ruffled her hair.

“So what brings you here, munchkin?” Doug asked.

"I was wondering, do you have any old photos from when you and mom met? It's for a, uh, multimedia project I'm working on," Connie asked, choosing her words very carefully.

Doug frowned reflexively, then looked down at Connie and seemed to soften his expression.

“I’ve got one,” Doug said. He then knelt down to solid-looking trunk case sitting in the corner and began fiddling with the combination lock. “It’s um ... it’s from when we were only together for a couple weeks...” He sighed. “I had more from around that time but they were lost years ago when an airline decided half my luggage was going on a different trip than I was.”

Connie fidgeted, unable to think of a suitable response. A moment of rifling through and Doug withdrew a small, framed photo. He looked a little wistful as he handed it to Connie.

Connie took it, holding it gently, feeling slightly awed, as though entrusted with a relic. "I'll take extra good care of it, I promise, dad."

“I know you will, cupcake. Now run along; there must be more exciting things for you than to stand around here and watch me cook a pair of pants.”

Connie giggled and the pair embraced. Hair was ruffled, goodbyes were said, and before long Connie was peddling her way back to the Beach House.

---

Peridot, as usual, was standing over her workbench, the innards of what looked like an old CRT monitor splayed out while the Green gem poked here and there with a voltmeter.

The slow lava flows that wormed between the heaps of cast-off appliances had a lavender scent today. Connie had never been able to determine a pattern or deeper meaning to that particular olfactory quirk.

After several minutes of waiting, Connie cleared her throat loudly, causing Peridot to straighten up and turn to the girl; several of her floating digits, however, remained at their tasks.

"Connie. Was that meant to be a polite interjection or are your bronchial tubes inflamed? I ask because somewhere around here I have the appropriate pharmaceuticals."

"No ma'am, I'm fine. I was wondering if you had any of mom's old VHS tapes? You know, the ones we'd watch when I was little?"

Peridot was momentarily taken aback, but had enough fingers available to tap her chin.

Raising a digit in exclamation, she said, "Oh yes! This may take a moment, but I know where at least one of the relevant video home system recordings is stored."

Peridot recalled her fingers and helicoptered off into the dimly-lit expanse of the cavern. Half an hour later Connie returned to the Beach House clutching a lavender-scented copy of The Princess Bride.

---

Jasper was out on patrol somewhere but Connie knew where to get what she needed. To her knowledge, the large gem had only ever made one meep-morp: a mural along one side of the burning room.

Connie padded over furtively, feeling like she was intruding somewhere private. There it was: Citrine striding over a battlefield, sword raised, with a battered but fierce-looking Jasper at her side; the silhouettes of countless other gems, some fleeing, others kneeling, surrounded them.

Little candles were lit and placed in niches around the mural. Connie had never seen any burn out, nor was she aware of any of the gems purchasing votive candles; it was just one of many mysteries that surrounded the gruff, orange warrior.

Connie took a photo of the mural with her phone before hurrying out.

---

Connie had to call from the threshold of Lapis' room. Swamped, crumbling structures and a profusion of plant life --water lilies, cattails, and lotus blossoms being most prominent-- emerged above the waterline of the perpetually flooded chamber.

Lapis swooped over, yanked Connie into a surprise bridal carry, and took the girl on a spiraling, looping flight, the former laughing while the latter screamed in excitement.

Eventually the gem set Connie down on an outcropping of rocks that thrust above the waterline.

"What's up, Con-con? Need the scoop on where Peridot's latest candy stash is, because I definitely don't know that it's taped to the back of the utensil drawer."

Connie laughed, both from Lapis' use of her pet-name and the residual rush from the gem's aerial acrobatics. "No that's not- Uh, the utensil drawer, you say?" Lapis smirked and tapped the side of her nose.

"What I really came in here for was to see if you had any of mom's stuff. I was, uh, that is to say, Steven was wanting to see some and I said I'd ask. On his behalf. For him. Because he wanted me to."

Lapis' playful demeanor dropped in an instant, replaced instead with a kind of all-encompassing weariness. Suddenly the gem sprouted wings of water and tore away, disappearing into the distance, eventually blocked from sight by the scattered waterfalls that rained down from... somewhere overhead.

For a time, the only noise came from the waves lapping at the numerous ruined structures that leaned drunkenly out of the marsh, and the susurrus of plants stirred by a gentle breeze.

A wave appeared through the haze bearing an old gondola, the former dissipating in time for the craft to bump gently against the rocks.

Connie boarded carefully and found a parcel wrapped in wax paper and tightly bound in twine. Connie slowly poled her way to the exit, stepped out, and watched a sudden current propel the boat back into the depths of the room.

Unwrapping the parcel she found a nondescript journal with ‘Pleasant Moments’ written in curling letters of canary-yellow.

When she got like that, Lapis was usually several days before emerging from her room. And when she did, she’d be figuratively and literally flighty, to say nothing of her aggressively chipper attitude.

Despite her success, Connie looked a little crestfallen.

---

"Primary sources encoded, mistress. The simulation has been updated," the well-dressed goblin said after more than an hour of continuous inscribing.

"Room: select one of the newly-encoded simulations at random. Room: engage selected simulation," called out Connie.

The air and ground shifted, becoming a bright and sunny day on an unfamiliar beach, a large wooden pavilion appearing nearby. Beside that was a bench on which a colorful top and sarong lay.

Connie walked over and felt the material, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

There was the sound of the ocean lapping at the shore and the breeze whispering through the palm trees. Then, a soft chuckle, and Connie’s eyes went wide.

She straightened up, swallowed, and managed to say with only a modest tremble in her voice, “H-Hi there…”

"Hello my dear, little Connie,” said the yellow woman from before.

She emerged from the shade of the pavilion and into the sunlight, dressed in a matching, if much, much larger outfit of her own.

“There's something I've always wanted to do, you know, but of course I never could,” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice and eyes.

"But here, now,” and she gave a smile that could only be described as ‘brilliant’, “I can share with you one of my favorite pastimes."

The radiant woman waited patiently while the little brown girl readied herself.

"Now, to start, put your feet like this and your hands, just so. Bend your knees: it’ll help when you sway your hips. Good. When the music begins I'll show you the basic motions and you follow along when you're ready."

A tune suffused the air, the woman began to sway hands and hips, and she sang in a clear voice, “Haʻaheo e ka ua i nā pali…”

Chapter 4: What Can I Do For You?

Chapter by BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Summary:

"Doug did miss Citrine, missed her every day. And he hated that he let that show in front of Priyanka as much as he did ...

"But the thing that really made him hate himself was the small, idle thought in the back of his mind of how good it felt when Priyanka hugged him ..."

Notes:

This omake was written by none other than CoreyWW and we couldn't be happier with the addition. There's a bit of cross-pollination going on between the Connie Swap team and the fine people on the Discord chat Corey set up. One of the ideas that made its way into the Connie Swap canon was... how to introduce Priyanka into the fic and under what auspices.

So while this omake is not strictly canonical, it gets a ton of the details right and comes from a source directly responsible for shaping Priyanka and Doug in the main story. There isn't a more appropriate author for this fic than CoreyWW.

Doug first met her a little over a year ago, doing temp security work at a hospital.

It wasn’t an expensive job, certainly, but he happened to be in the area anyway and thought it was worth some extra money. Just a little more for food on the road or to get something nice for Connie next time he visited ...

Aside from a few hospital visitors not knowing how to act in public, it was almost completely uneventful.

That is, until he was about to leave around sunrise and he saw a woman in a lab coat with the hood of her car up.

The woman (a doctor, by the look of things) had long black wavy hair and dark skin. Doug thought she looked Indian, but wasn’t certain until she looked down at her jumper cables and shouted what Doug thought was an incredibly vulgar curse in Hindi.

“Um ... ma’am, are you alright?” he said.

She turned toward him. Doug was a bit shocked to see she had big, expressive brown eyes. So expressive they reminded him of ...

Don’t think about it, Doug told himself.

The doctor nodded towards the car.

“I think my battery is dead ...” she said. She held up the cables in her hand. “And it looks like my jumper cables are corroded, so--”

“Oh!” Doug said. “That’s no problem, I have some. Hang on a second...”

Doug pulled his car up and it didn’t take more than a few minutes for the doctor’s car to hum to life.

As Doug was detaching his cables, the doctor got back out of her car.

“Thank you so much,” the doctor said. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be calling Triple-A with a huge attitude right now. Not something I’d like to do after a twelve-hour shift.”

Doug chuckled.

“Yeah ... yeah, same here,” Doug said.

“Are you new here or--”

“No no, I’m just temping for security.” He shrugged. “I’m not nearly important enough to work at a hospital all the time.”

“Well, I’d say your important after this,” the doctor said.

“Heh ... thanks ...” Doug said, shifting uncomfortably.

The doctor smiled.

“If you like, I can buy you some breakfast to make it up to you,” she said.

Doug’s eyes widened. He scratched the back of his neck.

“I uh ... look, I’m not sure--”

“Please, it’s the least I can do,” she said.

He could have just said no. That’s what the inside of his head was screaming for him to do anyway. Just say no and walk away and don’t think about it and wow, her eyes are really, really nice and--

“I ... well, okay,” Doug said nodding. “Yeah.” Immediately, he added, “It’s good to have breakfast with a new friend.”

The doctor blinked for a second, then gave a nervous smile.

“Right. Friend. Of course,” she said.

Doug felt like garbage for dropping that hint the way he did, but he felt he had to. It was the right thing to do.

It was, he insisted to himself.

---

Her name was Priyanka Kurunthottical. Dr. Priyanka Kurunthottical.

The breakfast started nice enough. Priyanka was ... not unpleasant to talk to, Doug had to admit. She talked a lot about her work. She asked about Doug and he talked about his work, about Connie (quite a lot about Connie, since part of Doug always thought about her) ...

But after hearing about Connie, Priyanka asked, “Are you still married or--”

Doug glanced down at his half-eaten waffle.

“She um ...” He cleared his throat. “She’s no longer with us.”

Priyanka straightened up in her chair.

“Oh ...” she said. “I’m ... I’m sorry, I had no idea--”

“No, it’s fine,” Doug said. “It was a long time ago. During childbirth actually.”

Priyanka put her hand to her mouth but said nothing.

“That’s ...” Priyanka shook her head. “I don’t know what to say.”

There was an awkward pause between them. Honestly, Doug wanted to comfort her ... but mentioning Citrine and realizing he was eating at a restaurant with a woman who was not Citrine suddenly made him feel uncomfortable.

Priyanka stared at him and bit her lip.

“I; um ... I’m divorced, actually” Priyanka admitted. “I-I know that’s not the same thing, not even close, but--”

“No, I get what you mean,” Doug said. “It’s ... hard.”

Priyanka scratched behind her ear.

“Yes ... it is,” Priyanka said.

After a few uncomfortable minutes, Doug brought up some small talk he wouldn’t even remember later, trying to ignore his own conflicting feelings.

After they finished, Priyanka gave him a slip of paper with her phone number on it.

As she handed it to him, she said, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I understand, but ... I-I had fun.”

Doug wanted to say he had fun too, awkwardness aside, but didn’t; he almost felt guilty for it.

“Listen, I don’t know if I’m ready to--” he started, but Priyanka cut him off.

“Even if you want to just talk as friends, I’m alright with that.” She gave a smirk. “This may shock you, but I’m not Miss Popular. Doctors hours don’t lend themselves well to a social life.”

A laugh escaped Doug.

“I can relate,” he said.

Doug stared at the slip of paper and took it.

“I’ll ... call you soon,” he said. “As friends.”

Priyanka nodded, a faintly sad smile on her face.

“I’d like that ...” she said.

Priyanka lingered awkwardly for a moment. She looked like she was about to hug Doug, but ultimately backed off.

Doug wasn’t sure what he would have done if she had tried.

He tried to pretend he didn’t think it would have been a little nice ...

When he got back to the hotel (after taking a freezing cold shower), he put the number on his phone. It didn’t even occur to him until later he could have just thrown the number away if he wanted to.

But he didn’t want to.

---

Over the next couple months, Doug made a point to call Priyanka every now and again, not just when he was in area.

And ... it was refreshing, honestly. Aside from Connie and occasionally old college friends, he never had anyone to call outside of work. Having someone else to talk to was pleasant.

Even if she was in a cruddy mood from work, she never seemed to lash out at Doug for it and was always willing to talk.

He’d mention whenever he was near her area, which was fairly often; Empire City had a lot of events needing security, after all.

Sometimes she’d ask if they could get together.

And ... most of the time Doug would politely say no. Not every time, but most of the time.

Not because he didn’t want to spend time with Priyanka, just the opposite. He felt like he did want to and the thought of that scared the hell out of him.

Was it even right to want to, when he still loved Citrine? Knew he would always love Citrine? Did thinking certain ... things about Priyanka make him a terrible person? He didn’t know. He didn’t think he was a horrible person, but whenever he thought of something more with Priyanka it just seemed ...

It seemed dishonest. Unfair. Unfair to Priyanka. Unfair to Connie (he was too afraid to even mention Priyanka’s existence at all to his daughter) ...

... and unfair to Citrine.

---

One day, about a month before Doug visited Connie for her birthday, Doug actually agreed to go to Priyanka’s apartment for coffee.

(“I mean actual coffee, Doug,” Priyanka had insisted with a laugh. “Not the codeword kind. We’re not teenagers, Doug.”)

As soon as he came in, laptop bag in one hand, Doug said, “I want to tell you something.”

Priyanka perked up.

“Really?” she said. “A-” Priyanka bumped against her kitchen chair awkwardly. “A-about what?”

“Oh um ... not about--” Doug laughed nervously, trying to ignore the blush on his cheeks. “Not about that, just ...” He took a deep breath. “I’ve mentioned my wife before ...”

Priyanka’s expression became serious as she nodded.

“Yes, of course,” Priyanka said. “What about her?”

Doug sat down at Priyanka’s kitchen table.

“There’s ... something I never told you about her,” Doug said.

Priyanka’s face went pale.

“Oh god ... she hasn’t been alive this whole time, has she?” Priyanka said.

“What-- no!” Doug shook his head. “No, never!”

Priyanka exhaled.

“Oh god ... for a second I thought I was like the ‘other woman’ or something,” Priyanka muttered.

“No, you’re not the other woman!” Doug insisted. “You’re the only woman!”

Priyanka blinked, raising an eyebrow. When Doug realized how he phrased that, his cheeks got redder.

“I mean there’s no primary-other-y woman relationship happening at all! There is zero woman-ing about!” Doug said.

Priyanka snickered.

“Gosh I ...” She stifled her laughter. “Sorry, I... I shouldn’t laugh. You were being serious, I’m sorry.” She cleared her throat. “But ... for real, what did you want to tell me?”

“Alright, so, I know this will probably sound crazy, but just hear me out,” Doug said.

“Okay, so ...?” Priyanka said with a nod.

Doug took a deep breath.

“My wife, Citrine, she was what you might call, um ... an alien,” Doug said. “As in, the kind from space.”

Priyanka tilted her head.

“O-okay,” Priyanka said slowly. She clasped her hands together. “Doug, um ... if you’re really stressed and going through a hard time right now, I can give you a referral. There’s no shame in speaking to someone if you’re feeling a little confused about--”

Doug gave a bitter laugh.

“I--I know how it sounds, trust me,” Doug said. “I really get it. But I have proof.”

Doug unzipped his laptop bag. As he did, Priyanka gave a nervous laugh.

“I--I should probably let you know that those bad History Channel specials aren’t exactly proof, if that’s what you’re gonna show me.”

Doug shot Priyanka a harsh look. She flinched and touched her shoulder awkwardly.

“Sorry,” she said.

Doug’s face softened.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled as he pulled out his laptop. He opened up a photo gallery marked “Citrine” and scooted his chair back. “See, look? There she is. What does that look like to you?”

Priyanka glanced at Doug skeptically, then looked towards the laptop. On it was a photo of Citrine standing at the beach, her yellow Gem glinting in the moonlight.

“Um ...” Priyanka said, searching for the right words. “Well, she looks like one of those fans of Gem animals I’ve seen on the news. And I can see she likes yellow, certainly ...”

“She’s not a fan of Gem; she is one.” Doug pointed to the Gem on her chest. “That Gem is attached to her body!”

Priyanka raised an eyebrow, her brow furrowed.

“I ... listen, Doug, I think you’ve just been working too hard. I know there are some myths about some Gems turning into humans or something, but they’re just weird animals. Someone dressing up like one doesn’t make them an al--”

Doug rubbed his forehead.

“Okay, okay ...” Doug hit the arrow key on the keyboard, bringing up another picture of Citrine. “Keep going, there’s a bunch of her friends too. They’re also Gems. I think a few of these show one of them being able to do weird stuff with water.”

“Doug ...”

“No, really!” Doug said, conscious of how irrational he seemed at the moment. He clicked the arrow for her. “Look--”

Priyanka looked back to the monitor. She frowned.

“Annnnnd your wife’s naked in that one,” Priyanka said.

“Huh?” Doug looked at the screen. “YGG!” Doug frantically mashed Alt + F4 to close the window. He glanced back at Priyanka, his face red. “I ... that was a really old picture and--”

“Doug, I’ve seen what people’s insides look like, I think I’ll live,” Priyanka said with a faint smirk. It faded a moment later as she reached and touched Doug’s hand. “Doug, I think maybe you just need a little rest or--”

Doug jerked his hand back, frustrated.

“I’m not imagining this!” Doug said. “I knew Citrine since I was 22, I know what she is, and I wouldn’t lie about that!”

Priyanka stared at Doug, saying nothing. Doug put his palm to his face. He knew this would be hard, but he hadn’t imagined it would be this hard.

He had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but he knew he had definitive proof ...

Doug felt his chest sink.

“Alright,” he mumbled. He went over to the laptop and found a folder buried deep in his documents. It read “Video for Connie / DO NOT OPEN.”

He hung the mouse cursor over the single video file in the folder. He looked to Priyanka.

“You want proof?” Doug said quietly. “This is video from the day my daughter was born.”

“Doug, I don’t see how that has anything to do with--”

“When I told you Citrine died in childbirth, that was true,” Doug said. “She gave up her physical form to make Connie. My ... my daughter has the Gem that used to be on her chest.”

“What?” Priyanka said, eyes wide.

“Yeah ... I was there.” He heard his own voice crack. “You don’t believe me? Watch that. Nothing about what happened there is like a normal birth. There was this bright light and ...” Doug pulled his hand away from the computer. “Just watch it.”

Priyanka stared for a moment. He could see it in her eyes, she was starting to doubt herself. After a glance at Doug, she scooted towards the computer.

Doug turned away.

Priyanka looked after him.

“Doug?” she said, concern heavy in her voice. “What are you--”

“You watch it,” Doug said. “But I ...” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “I just can’t ...”

Priyanka looked into his eyes, then nodded.

“Okay,” she whispered.

When Doug heard the video start, he walked into the other room.

---

About fifteen minutes later, as Doug sat on the edge of Priyanka’s bed, she appeared in the doorway. She leaned against the doorframe, stunned.

Doug looked up, his eyes stinging. Priyanka closed her eyes.

“... I believe you,” she said.

Doug frowned and nodded.

Priyanka hesitated before she sat next to Doug on her bed.

“I’m ... I’m so sorry, Doug,” Priyanka said. “I know that couldn’t have been easy to watch. Let alone film-- why was there a video of it?”

Doug turned his head away from her.

“Citrine wanted me to,” Doug said. “She ... knew that would happen and I guess she wanted video in case Connie ever wanted to see that one day or ... something.”

Priyanka shook her head, bewildered.

“What child would want to see their mom--”

Doug cut her off. “I dunno,” Doug said. “But she wanted that video in case Connie ever did want to see her birth. She ...” Doug took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “She thought the whole thing was beautiful.”

A sob escaped Doug’s throat.

“Doug,” Priyanka said. He felt her hand brush against his. “Doug, it’s okay--”

“I’m sorry,” Doug said, unable to stop the tears trickling down. “I’m sorry I showed you all this. I--I just didn’t feel right keeping it from you anymore, you deserved the truth, you deserved to know, I didn’t want to hide anything anymore, I--”

“Doug, it’s okay,” Priyanka said, placing her hand on his cheek. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

“I miss her so much ...” Doug said.

“I know ... I know.”

Priyanka pulled him into an embrace, his head buried in her dark black hair.

Doug did miss Citrine, missed her every day. And he hated that he let that show in front of Priyanka as much as he did ...

But the thing that really made him hate himself was the small, idle thought in the back of his mind of how good it felt when Priyanka hugged him ...

---

Doug talked to Priyanka less in the weeks after that. Partially because he had a big job before he had to visit Connie and partially ...

Partially because Doug wasn’t even sure how to feel or what was right anymore.

Despite his usual apprehension about visiting Beach City, it couldn’t come fast enough this time. He just wanted to see his little girl and have something take him mind off of ... all that.

Just a nice normal visit was exactly what he needed.

---

Needless to say, nothing about that visit was normal. And not just the spontaneously de-aging of his daughter due to Gem magic part.

Doug realized his daughter was growing up. She was changing. Everything around him was ...

Everything except himself. Doug was the only one trying to make everything stay the same.

And as he sat in his hotel, making plans to get a house in Beach City, be around his daughter, and finally sort his freaking life out ... he realized he didn’t even want everything to stay the same anymore.

He put down his phone, after looking at photos of Citrine. He sighed.

It’s time, Doug, he thought. She’d want you to. Connie needs you to. Doesn’t matter that part of you still can’t see that yellow sparkle without thinking of… times that will never happen again.

When he logged onto his PC and saw an invite from Priyanka to do something next week, he almost hit decline out of habit. But he took a deep breath.

She’d want you to, he thought.

He hit accept.

---

“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Priyanka said when Doug walked her to her apartment door.

“Yeah ... yeah, I did to,” Doug said, smiling.

“I ...” Priyanka brushed her hair from her eyes. “I have to admit I was surprised. After what happened last time I ...” She gave a nervous chuckle. “I thought you’d be afraid to be around me anymore or something.”

Doug chuckled.

“Well ...” Doug said. “I--” He shook his head. “Sorry, this is gonna sound stupid.”

“No, what?” Priyanka said.

“I ... I think I was afraid to be around you for a long time,” Doug said. “Because I felt like I was doing something wrong but ...”

Doug paused.

“I--I don’t ... I don’t want to feel like it’s wrong anymore,” Doug said.

Priyanka’s eyes were wide and suddenly Doug thought back to when they first met, when he first noticed how big and expressive her eyes were.

“Are you ... are you sure?” Priyanka said uneasily. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or--”

“No. You don’t make me feel uncomfortable. I make myself feel uncomfortable, but you never have.” Doug scratched the back of his neck. “You deserve to be treated better than ... than how I’ve been acting.”

Doug stared at the floor. He saw Priyanka gently slip her slender hand into his. He looked back up at her.

“What do you want to do?” she whispered.

---

They were sitting on the edge of Priyanka’s bed, again in an embrace but with a much different feeling in the air.

She kissed him and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel something. He kissed her back.

And again.

And again.

He ran his hand through her hair, held her as close as he could, felt a closeness he hadn’t felt in thirteen years, not since ...

“Citrine,” he muttered in between kisses.

Priyanka jolted upward, brushing her messed up bangs from her face.

“Huh?” she said.

Doug blinked, it taking a moment to register he had just actually said that, oh my god, he really just said that, could he be anymore stupid.

“Oh ... oh god!” Doug said. His face turned red. “I ... I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to--”

Priyanka said nothing, only settling back on the side of the bed, unable to make eye contact. She didn’t look angry at Doug, just shaken. Oddly enough, that made Doug feel even worse.

“It’s alright,” she said finally.

“I-- we should stop,” Doug said.

“Yeah,” Priyanka said. In a lower voice she whispered, “Yeah ...”

Doug hesitated then touched Priyanka’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Doug said. “I didn’t mean to--”

“I know,” Priyanka said, not looking at him. “I understand just ... maybe another time?”

“Y-yeah,” Doug said. “Do you want to just talk or-- that wouldn’t be too awkward, would it?”

“No ...” Priyanka said.

But as they talked, it was clear they both knew it was too awkward.

---

At some point Doug must have fallen asleep because he woke up to the clink of ice in a glass.

He looked up from the bed and saw Priyanka holding a glass of something dark. Her eyes were slightly red.

It shook Doug. He’d never actually seen evidence of Priyanka crying, not in the whole time they’d known each other.

“Priyanka ...” Doug said.

Priyanka turned towards him, clearly shocked he was awake.

“Are you alright?” Doug said.

“Yeah ...” Priyanka said. But then a moment later, she sat down back on the edge of the bed and sighed. “Okay, no, maybe not.”

Doug wasn’t sure what to say. Priyanka took a sip of her glass, then turned and asked.

“... could I have just been anyone?” she said, hurt.

“What?” Doug asked, sitting up.

“I mean ...” Priyanka clutched at her hair. “I mean, when you’re with me, are you actually seeing me or ...”

“What? No, no,” Doug said. “That’s ... that’s not what this is.”

Priyanka didn’t reply.

“You’ve ... been a good friend to me this whole time,” Doug said carefully.. “And you’re the first one I’ve felt anything like this for ever since ...” He cleared his throat. “Ever since Citrine died. I mean, you’re sweet--”

Priyanka gave a bitter laugh.

“Now I know you’re lying--” she said.

“No, really, you are,” Doug said. “You’ve got a good heart, you listen, and ... and you’ve been very patient and understanding. Much more than I think I deserve.”

Doug sighed, feeling a tug at his chest at the sheer amount of feelings he was letting out.

“I--I’d be lying if I said I never think about her,” Doug said. “And I’d be lying if I said it’s easy to be with someone else after being with her so long. But ...” He swallowed. “But I want to be with you. And it’s because of how you are and how you make me feel, not so I can pretend you’re ... someone you’re not.”

Priyanka turned her head towards him, tears welling in her eyes.

“Really?” she said.

Doug nodded.

“Of course,” he said.

Priyanka gave a small sad smile. Doug shook his head and rubbed his eyes.

“Sorry ...” he said. “Talking about my feelings is something I’m not always good at.”

“You know what helps with that?” Priyanka said in a low voice.

“What?”

Priyanka shook the glass at him, ice clinking around.

Doug chuckled despite himself.

He rested his hand on the bed. Priyanka laid hers on top of his ...

Doug didn’t know what he did to deserve finding someone like Priyanka in his life now, but he was glad she was there. And he wasn’t going to let himself make her feel like he didn’t appreciate it.

Not anymore.

Chapter 5: Fond Reminiscence

Chapter by BurdenKing, SilverScribe

Summary:

Sometimes happy memories lead to unbearable pain...

Notes:

This omake was written by SilverScribe, who has a real knack for depicting Lapis and Peridot, a talent they certainly bring to bear here.

The whole team read and loved this and we're grateful SilverScribe chose to write it.

Finally, if you haven't read it already, you should check out their fic Two Gems and a Pumpkin which, in addition to being some marvelous Lapidot, gets a tiny shout-out in this omake here.

The warm glow from the slowly flowing lava pools that circulated through her room provided a soothing light for the repair work on the house phone. Perhaps it was redundant to repair the device now that Connie had obtained a portable equivalent from Doug. But redundancies were sometimes a good thing to Peridot's way of thinking. As one set of floating fingers worked out the wiring and another busily set about fabricating a casing for the device, Peridot was trying a more durable material this time taking into account how often the phone was destroyed, she idly found herself humming the Do or Do Nut theme. If one thing could be said for the lyrical training propaganda melody it was that it was extremely catchy.

“Dunk them in coffee or tea, napkins are always free...” she sang quietly to herself as she applied solder to the phone components.

“Now if a customer chokes on a donut, state law requires that you assist them,” a voice rang out in a mocking tone above her head. Peridot jumped and her fingers went everywhere, nearly sending various phone parts hurtling into the lava. After she regained her composure she looked up to see Lapis floating languidly in a reclined position through the air. She was snacking on what appeared to be a lemon filled donut.

“Lapis? To what do I owe the pleasure of your companionship?” Peridot asked irritably. She disliked the blue gem's propensity for randomly appearing in her room. Although now that she took a moment to consider it, it had been some time since she'd done so.

“I can't believe you're still obsessed with that lame tune P-dot,” Lapis answered with a grin as she popped the last of the donut into her mouth. Peridot then noticed what was essentially a floating platter dish made of water as Lapis reached over and grabbed...

“Hey! Those are mine!” Peridot squeaked indignantly.

“Did you really think taping your stash behind the toilet tank was a good hiding spot? From me? And so unsanitary P-pod. I'm disappointed,” Lapis teased as she tossed a gummy worm from Peridot's Sour Extreme pack up into the air and caught it in her mouth.

“It is not unsanitary in the least. I'll have you know that our sanitation facilities have a cleanliness level higher than most human food preparation centers! And do not consume all of those!” Peridot ranted, futilely hopping up and extending her floating fingers towards Lapis. She blew a raspberry as she floated up out of reach with a twitch of her wings. But then she suddenly changed course and dropped to the floor in front of Peridot.

“Chill Dot, I know they're your favorite. You gotta get better at hiding them though,” Lapis said rather somberly as she handed the bag over to Peridot. Something was wrong she then began to realize, Lapis was smiling but it didn't quite touch her eyes. Peridot also glanced up at the floating water dish piled high with donuts and other confectioneries. Lapis always enjoyed eating but this was excessive even for her. Setting her prized candy down on her workbench she glanced warily at Lapis as she padded over to one of the many component piles spread about her room.

“Laz, are you feeling—”

“Oh my stars! You kept Occupied?” Lapis exclaimed with a snort as she floated over to the collection of toilets that was one of their earlier collaborative morps. “Do you remember how we talked Doug into sitting on it not long after he started hanging around Citrine? That was hilarious!”

“From my recollections you were entirely responsible for that incident and Doug's subsequent saturation,” Peridot replied as she walked over to stand next to Lapis, her concern growing by the second. Where was this sudden trip down memory lane coming from?

“Nuh-uh Periwinkle, you were totally in on it. Don't even try to lie, you were a lot more fun back then,” Lapis said with a nudge to Peridots shoulder before wandering off to continue her exploration. Her floating dish of junk food followed her and she absentmindedly reached up and grabbed another donut along with a bear claw which she rapidly consumed.

“I believe you may regret consuming such...copious amounts of food stuffs after some time has passed,” Peridot said with concern as she quickly followed after the blue gem. Lapis seemed to be binge eating. That was never good.

“What's one more regret in my life?” Lapis said with a shrug and a hollow laugh as she began looking through various items pinned to a nearby wall.

Peridot's anxiety only heightened after that remark. She knew Lapis had her...trying times. But she usually rode those out in the peace and solitude of her room. This coping behavior was extremely distressing.

“Listen Laz, if—”

“No way! You still have pictures of our old snow morps! I haven't thought about those things in years,” Lapis exclaimed as she took down a couple of old polaroids from the wall and excitedly held them up for Peridot to see. The photos in question depicted Lapis and Peridot posing in front of life-sized snow sculptures of Percy and Pierre from Camp Pining Hearts. In both photos Peridot and Lapis had their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders and wore glowing smiles. The two characters were facing each other, the larger Pierre seeming to loom slightly over a visibly flustered Percy.

“Do you remember how much time we poured into those things? Trying to get every detail just right? We were such nerds,” Lapis said, and this time her smile seemed to be genuine.

“I mostly recall the difficulties I endured in thwarting your attempts to position them in rather...indecent poses,” Peridot answered, a slight dusting of teal rising in her cheeks at the memory.

“Pfft. You know you loved it Dot,” Lapis answered as she carefully placed the pictures back in their previous locations on the wall. She then reached up to her floating dish and proceeded to consume two more donuts and an apple fritter in rapid succession.

“Lapis, I really think we should discuss—” Peridot began, but she was interrupted when the ocean gem suddenly turned around and leaned in very close. Lapis' breath seemed to be coming up short, which was odd since they didn't even need to breath, and her eyes were half-lidded as she took a step forward. Peridot took a nervous step back.

“You don't have a donut-gram to save you this time Miss Matrix,” Lapis said in a husky voice as she leaned her face closer. Just barely brushing her lips against a suddenly very flustered Peri's. Peridot's entire form shivered and she'd be lying if she said she didn't want to lean up into that temptation of a kiss and run her touch stumps through Lapis' wild blue hair. But she couldn't help but think back to long before...to how this had ended last time.

“Lapis I don't think we shou—”

“Shhhh. No thinking, just let it happen,” Lapis said as a hungry grin spread across her cerulean features. Peridot's cheeks flushed a deep teal as her breath quickened and she closed her eyes. It would be so easy to just let it happen, she just needed to lean up a bit and...

No. This was wrong.

They couldn't do this, not with Lapis in an impaired emotional state. Lapis put a hand under her chin and tilted it up to meet her lips before Peridot finally gathered enough of her faculties to say something.

“Lapis...don't. Please,” Peridot said in a breathy voice as her floating fingers rose up between herself and the blue gem. The warm orangish red glow of the lava set Lapis' face off in striking relief as she stopped just a hairsbreadth away from a kiss. Confusion, hurt, anger and finally resignation washed over those features as she slowly pulled back from Peridot.

“Hah. Yeah, guess I threw away any right to kiss you awhile ago right Pierre?” Lapis said with a bitter, mirthless laugh. “That's me! Lapis the screw up. Sorry to bother you, I'll let you get back to your nerd stuff.”

“Lapis no...I didn't mean— wait!” Peridot yelled desperately, reaching out for her friend. But Lapis had already spread her wings and with one powerful stroke she leapt up into an opening in the ceiling that led deeper into the temple. A few moments later the floating water tray disintegrated and the remaining food stuffs fell into a lava flow with an angry sizzle.

Peridot sat down heavily and leaned her head back against her workbench. “Excellent job Peridot. You're such a genius,” She said in a bitter, self-loathing tone. She spent a long, long time simply staring into the glowing orange lava flow that ran in front of her work area. But finally she reached up and briskly wiped away the moisture that had accumulated behind her visor before resuming her work.

Connie still needed her redundant phone after all.

Chapter 6: Creative Writing

Chapter by BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Notes:

Another omake written by CoreyWW, consider Creative Writing a bit of a palate cleanser after the previous, serious/somber fics. This one is not at all canonical, but BR42 was amused enough by an early draft we read, they added a little call-out to Lord Stefan in the final version of Ep5Ch3.

We all had a great time reading this fic and we thank CoreyWW for writing it. Connie, however, would be mortified.

Alright, homework’s done, Connie thought as she finished typing the essay Peridot assigned her. She looked to the window and noticed the sun setting. She sighed.

Today had been a bit of a slow day. Jasper had gone on a mission by herself, Lapis left to binge on donuts, and Peridot was busy harvesting her crops in South America. Steven had been busy with family stuff, so there hadn’t been much for Connie to do aside from homework.

She smiled faintly to herself.

Steven ...

Connie shifted her eyes back and forth. She looked around slowly, making absolute certain none of the Gems were around.

She grinned.

Well, I suppose if there’s nothing else to do, I could work on my other project, Connie thought.

She opened a folder cleverly marked “Faxes” and opened up a file called “The Adventures of Lady Connaline and Lord Stefan.”

Let’s see what things they’re up to now, Connie thought as she began typing ...

---

The tall, statuesque twenty-something ruler stood at the edge of her balcony, addressing the crowd of subjects down on the ground below.

Next to her stood her large, muscular, hairy husband and partner, Lord Stefan. He gave his wife a sweet smile.

Lady Connaline cleared her throat and let out her most regal voice.

“My subjects!” she proclaimed.

At the sound of their monarch’s voice, the crowd’s cheering swelled. Connaline held up one hand and they fell silent.

“My subjects ...” she continued. "As your new, democratically-elected monarch, I promise fair and just rule to all of you. And a swift, nearly-painless death to our enemies."

There were loud claps as Connaline went on.

"It is time to move on from the mistakes of the past and finally have equal rule under the law."

As the crowd’s jubilation increased, Stefan stepped forward, raising his arms.

“Can you dig it?!” Stefan shouted in a voice that gave Connaline goosebumps.

The crowd cheered louder.

“CAN YOU DIG IT?!” he repeated.

The sound of the crowd was almost deafening.

“Good! Now just the ladies!” he said.

There was a loud “whoo” as countless female voices rose over the crowd.

“There we go!” Lord Stefan said.

Connaline had to stop herself from snickering for the rest of the address.

When it was over and the crowd had dispersed, she gave Stefan a wry smile.

“You’re having fun with this,” Connaline said.

He grinned back.

“So are you,” Stefan said.

Connaline ignored the blush on her cheeks.

Stefan gave an overly elegant bow.

“So, what shall we do next, my Lady?” he said.

Connaline grinned and leaned close to him.

“Well, since I’m exhausted from such an important address, my next decree is that you must allow me to feel your strong muscles,” Connaline said slyly.

Stefan’s grin fell as he blushed as intensely as he had as a child.

“Ahem, well,” he coughed and gave a bashful smile. “I suppose if it’s the law, I’ll have to oblige.”

She took a single finger and traced it along his chest, feeling the hair underneath his shirt.

“And then--”

---

“Hey Connie, whatcha writing?!” said Lapis in Connie’s ear.

“AHHH!” Connie shouted, falling out of her chair.

Connie looked up to see Lapis hoving in the air with her water wings, a pleased grin on her face.

Before Connie could protest, Lapis floated into the chair and started reading.

“Lord Stefan? Oooooh ...” Lapis said.

“Lapis! Stop reading that! It’s private!” she said, standing up and jerking the laptop away. “I--I mean it’s nothing, it’s just homework, I was studying--”

“Yeah, studying adult Steven’s muscles.”

Connie’s cheeks reddened.

“I--You--” Connie stammered. “Stefan is more of a composite character than anything else--”

“Riiiiiight,” Lapis said. “Anyway, give that back, I want to read more.”

“No!” Connie said, holding the laptop away from her.

“Aww, come on!” Lapis said, frowning. “I know I was teasing, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t like it.”

“I--” Connie blinked. “Wait, you liked it?”

“Yeah, it was cute,” Lapis said. “I wanna see if it gets to a part where you and Steven kiss or something.”

“Connaline and Stefan,” Connie insisted.

Lapis waved her hand dismissively.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she said.

“And they kiss a lot, actually ...” Connie muttered.

“Huh?” Lapis said.

“Nothing.” Connie folded her arms. “I’m not sure. I don’t write any of that for people to read. It’s just ... I dunno, something I do to relieve stress.”

“So you haven’t shown it to Steven?” Lapis said, smiling.

“No, and if he ever read it, I’d die!” Connie shouted.

“But I thought Stefan was just a--” Lapis pulled her water wings up and made air-quotes with them. “‘Composite character.’”

“That was a lie and you know it!” Connie said. “If I let you read it, you cannot show it to anyone else, promise?”

Lapis dropped the teasing smile and nodded.

“Okay, yeah, I promise,” Lapis said. She held out her hand. “Now give me the goods.”

Connie sighed.

“Alright ... but let me print this out. I don’t want you flying around with my laptop and breaking it,” Connie said.

“Hey, Doug can always buy you another one--”

“Lapis.”

Lapis folded her arms.

“Alright, alright, fine,” Lapis grumbled.

---

“Hi Connie!” Steven said when he came over the next day, a cheeseburger-shaped backpack slung on his shoulder.

Connie beamed at him.

“Hi Steven!” she said with a sweet smile as she invited him in.

“I brought those books I was telling you about,” Steven said. “I mean I’ve never actually run a game of Lutes and Loot, but the books are fun to look at so ...”

“They sound really cool,” Connie said. “Come on, there’s plenty of room in the living ro--”

Connie froze as she saw Lapis on the couch, reading from the large stack of papers that made up her story. Lapis looked up, only then noticing Steven walk in.

Lapis glanced at Connie, long enough to see Connie go pale, before she stood up, holding the papers behind her.

“Stef- I mean Pinkie Pie!” Lapis said nervously. “Heeeeey. How you been?”

Steven didn’t seem to notice anything odd. He just waved.

“Hi Lapis! What you reading?” Steven said.

“What? Oh, this!” Lapis said. She just shook her head. “Oh nothing just, um ...” She coughed. “Just some silly romance. Nothing you’d be interested in or--”

“That sounds awesome!” Steven stepped forward. “Can I look-”

Connie froze in place and suddenly wished one of her powers was to turn invisible.

Lapis, however, took a step back.

“Oh ho, no no no,” Lapis said, laughing nervously. “Iiiiiit’s nothing appropriate for you to see, no no.”

Steven sighed.

“Okay, fine,” Steven said.

Lapis glanced and smiled at Connie. Connie had just then discovered the will to breathe again. A moment later, Lapis looked at her bare wrist.

“Well, would you look at the time?” Lapis said. “I have to go bother those dorks at the Big Donut.” She closed her eyes for a moment as water flowed from the sink in the kitchen to form wings on her back. All the while, she still held the papers behind her back. “Later peeps.”

Connie mouthed the words “Thank you.” Lapis gave a smile back.

“Okay, bye Lapis,” Steven said. “Have a good--”

Before Steven could finish, Lapis flapped her wings and flew out the door with incredible force, the sound of papers rustling in the air as she left.

Steven stood staring out the door after her.

“-- day,” he finished. Steven glanced back at Connie. “Lapis is so funny.”

Connie laughed awkwardly.

“Hehe, yeah, that Lapis, never know what she’s gonna do next, yep,” Connie said, grateful that that had not gone worse. “Uh ... w-why don’t we look at those books you brought?”

“Huh? Oh yeah,” Steven said. He placed the backpack on the table. “I brought like five. Only three of them you really have to have but--” Steven glanced at the floor. “Oh, hang on a sec ...”

Connie unzipped the backpack as Steven walked near the front door.

“Everything okay?” she said as she pulled the hardcover books from the backpack.

“Yeah, I think Lapis just dropped some of her romance stuff over here.”

Connie’s eyes went wide, her heart pounding.

“P-pardon?” Connie said.

She looked over to see Steven reading from a single, slightly damp sheet of paper.

“‘I can do anything with you by my side, my Lord,’ Lady Connaline said as she laid kiss upon kiss on Lord Stefan’s lips ...” Steven said, reading the paper aloud.

“NOOOOO!” Connie shouted. And before she could stop herself, she ran to Steven, crashing into him in an awkward tackle. They both fell to the floor as the paper fluttered through the air.

“Oof!” Steven said.

Oh god, what am I doing?! Connie thought. Before her head could catch up with her words, she started speaking.

“I’m sorry, please don’t read that!” Connie said, on top of Steven. “It’s just some dumb thing I wrote, it’s--”

“Wait ... you wrote that?” Steven said.

“Um ...” Connie said.

Did you really just say that? Connie thought. WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT?!

“... maybe?” Connie said.

Steven’s eyes shimmered.

“Oh my gosh ... you’re so talented!” Steven said, a wide grin on his face.

“H-huh?” Connie said.

Steven sat up, gently pushing Connie off of him.

“I can’t believe I know someone who writes that good,” Steven shouted. “It’s so cool!”

“I ... well ... are you sure you like it?” Connie said, bewildered.

“Of course! It looks amazing!”

“I--” Connie blushed. “Well, thank you but ...” Connie shook her head. “I mean, doesn’t it bother you that ... you do realize Connaline and Stefan are basically ...”

Steven tilted his head.

“Basically what?” he said.

Does he seriously not get that those are stand ins for us? Connie thought.

She stared at Steven who said nothing. She couldn’t believe it. It was obvious, but maybe it was so obvious he just couldn’t see it.

Maybe everything really was fine.

And honestly, Connie felt flattered by all the praise Steven heaped on her.

“Well ... o-okay, if you really like it, maybe I can show you some more,” Connie said with a smile.

---

Steven sat at the laptop reading while Connie paced in the background. As excited as she was that Steven was interested, she couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed considering the nature of the story.

“Um ... all of that is rough draft stuff, so I’m sorry if there are any grammar problems or anything,” Connie said, glancing over Steven’s shoulder to see what part he was reading.

“No, it looks pretty much fine so far,” Steven said. He scrolled down. “This is so good. These characters seem so real!”

Connie had to stifle a laugh.

“So you um ...” Connie scratched behind her neck. “You like Lord Stefan’s character?”

“Yeah! I feel like I really relate to him!”

I’ll bet you do, Connie thought.

“And, uh ...” Connie brushed her hair back. “W-what do you think about Connaline?”

Steven turned back with a glint in his eye.

“She’s such a cool main character!” Steven said. “I like that she’s really nice, but also tough. And it’s really cool learning new stuff about her.”

Connie turned away to hide the redness on her cheeks.

“That’s ... that’s good to know,” Connie said.

Steven scrolled down further.

“Aww, I really like this bit where Stefan and Connaline kiss for thirteen pages,” Steven said.

Connie nervously cleared her throat.

“It’s fourteen,” she said. “I-I like that part too.” She chuckled and said, “Anyway, keep reading, there’s lots more about running the kingdom after that ...”

Steven read more and had nothing but nice things to say about the story when he finally finished. They talked more about Connie’s story and she felt good having written something two people she cared about liked so much.

A few hours later, Steven checked his phone and said he had to be home for dinner. He said bye to Connie and that was that.

When Connie closed the door behind him, she leaned her back against it and slid down to the floor, giggling like a little girl.

“Wow,” she said between chuckles, “I can’t believe he didn’t get what it was about and still liked it!”

She chuckled, amused that Steven was innocent enough to just not figure it out.

---

Steven walked home with a blush and a huge smile on his face.

He thought back to Connie’s description of “Stefan” and his smile got even wider.

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE THINKS I’M HOT, Steven thought to himself.

Chapter 7: Still and Silent

Chapter by BurdenKing, Cyberwraith9

Summary:

As Connie struggles to find her sword again, Jasper shows her a secret technique from a time long ago.

Notes:

This omake was written by Cyberwraith9, and focuses on perhaps the most enigmatic of the Connie Swap Crystal Gems: Jasper. If you liked the Connie-Jasper interactions in Critical Connie or happen to enjoy funny and well-written fanfic, then you've come to the right Omake.

This fic isn't canon, but the degree to which it deviates is actually under discussion. Some of the Team REALLY liked this fic and elements of it might find their way into the main fic as the story develops.

BR42 also wanted to add that Cyberwraith9 has an ongoing fic called The Stranger in Me that they emphatically recommend. The short version is that Steven and Connie are ambushed by a corrupted gem and, one or two unexpected turns later, Connie saves the day but ends up with the gem embedded in her. It's a fic that does an excellent job examining some heavy, impactful subjects while buoying things with wonderful, witty humor and a fast pace. It's a fic that BR42 recommended to the team and anyone else that'd listen to them, and the chapter where Connie and Doug had a father-daughter brunch together was assigned to us as reading homework before we started work on Daddy's Little Girl.

The hilltop whistled with a gentle breeze, making the grass dance in lazy, lustrous waves. Seagulls flitted around the crown of the old lighthouse on the way to or from feasting at the garbage cans on the boardwalk. Sunshine and blue skies stood in postcard-picturesque delight atop the gentle waves kissing the shoreline. It was the perfect day for battle.

Taking a deep breath, Connie focused her thoughts behind a single goal. Everything she was, everything she knew, gathered inside of her with one clear purpose. She reached for her collar, fingertips brushing the edge of the yellow gemstone peering out from her shirt. Then, grasping, she flung her hand forward, bellowing, “And…sword!”

Her empty hand hung in front of her, challenging her imaginary foe with a blade that wasn’t there.

Connie groaned and pulled at her hair, stomping a little circle into the grass. All of her attempts for the past few hours had been met with equal success. She had tried every position, every location, and every word she could think of to coax the glowing blade back into her hand.

“Come on!” she snapped at the absent sword, waving her hand. “Energize! Transform! Power Extreme! Thunderblade, ho!”

Nothing. Connie let her hand drop, her whole body sagging in frustration. After days and days of trying, the sword refused to appear. She might have thought its first appearance had been her imagination if not for the temple’s hand still broken and resting on the beach.

Wandering to the cliff’s edge, Connie leaned against the white fence guarding the precipice, her elbow brushing the printed metal sign that read CAUTION: DO NOT CLIMB ON FENCE. She sighed and stared down at the broken hand, reminding herself again that it was possible, and making her that much more frustrated that it still wasn’t happening.

She knew that having the weapon wouldn’t suddenly change who she was. And her force fields had improved immensely, appearing and disappearing almost exactly when she meant them to. The force fields let her protect herself and the people close to her. But the sword made her feel like a protector. It made her feel one step closer to who she wanted to be. And no amount of trying seemed to be able to bring it back.

A pale shape by the ocean drew her eye from the broken stone hand. It wasn’t until the breeze stirred the shape that Connie realized it was Jasper sitting on the beach. The huge Quartz sat motionless, her shoulders hunched forward, head bowed. Though Connie craned to the very edge of the fence, she couldn’t tell what Jasper was doing, or even why she might be doing it.

An impish thought suddenly struck Connie. She could suspend force fields in the air, one after another, and use them like a staircase to descend to the beach. Maybe she couldn’t fly like Peridot or Lapis, or clear the cliff in a single bound like Jasper, but the big Gem would surely be impressed to see her running on the air.

Then she remembered what happened to her force fields when she got distracted, and how far, far below the beach actually was.

She took the long way down from the cliff. Her path took her by some of the other signs posted in the sand, like NO UNSUPERVISED SWIMMING and NO RECREATIONAL HYDROKINETICS ON BEACH. A different sign, this one cobbled from driftwood and hand-painted, read NO BUZZKILLS ALLOWED. This had prompted the newest “official” sign, which read NO POSTING UNAUTHORIZED SIGNAGE.

She found Jasper down by the surf, sitting at the dark edge in the sand where the waves stopped. Hunched forward, the Gem had laid her hand in front of her. Foamy white waves trickled up, rippling over her knuckles, then receding, leaving Jasper’s fingers half-buried in the wet beach. A crease puckered Jasper’s brow, her eyes fixed on some distant point in front of her.

“Jasper?” Connie called, pounding across the beach. “Hey, Jasper!”

Barely turning her head, Jasper lifted her free hand from her lap to press a finger to her lips in a shushing gesture. Connie complied immediately, slowing down and treading softly until she stood next to the Quartz. Even seated, Jasper was still more than a head taller than Connie.

“Hey, squirt,” Jasper rumbled softly.

Lowering her voice to match, Connie said, “What are you doing out here?”

Jasper considered her hand on the beach. “Practicing,” she said.

Connie adjusted her glasses, wondering if she had missed some part of the equation. Unless there was a weapon buried in the sand or a monster about to pop out of the surf, this did not appear to be the kind of training Jasper normally did. “Huh,” she grunted. “Is it going well?”

“Can’t say yet,” Jasper said. “What about you? I saw you up on the cliff earlier.”

Connie sighed, collapsing onto her back. The surf came up to tickle the toes of her sandals. “Sword hunting again,” she admitted.

“Mmn,” Jasper grunted.

“I know, I know. I did it once, and I can do it again,” Connie said. “But it’s so frustrating. My arms and legs do what I want them to do. Even my force fields do that, mostly. The sword is supposed to be part of me just like all the rest. Right?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Then apparently it’s more like a pancreas than an arm,” Connie groused, scowling. “It’s inside of me just doing its own thing, never listening to whether or not I want it to produce more insulin or…leave my body and cut things…”

“Hmm.”

“So maybe it’s not exactly like the pancreas,” she agreed. Her head thumped back against the sand. “I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could fix it.”

With a slight shake of her head, Jasper said, “You’ll have your weapon when you need it. And you’ll need it when you’re ready to need it. Until then, don’t focus on what you can’t do.”

Connie sighed again, watching the clouds trundling across the sky. She knew from her lessons that they were actually moving at incredible speed, always changing, roiling, shifting and moving. But from where she lay, the clouds looked almost static. They only changed when she wasn’t trying to see them change.

“It shouldn’t bother me so much,” she admitted, “but it does. I mean, the sword was hers. It was a part of her, and it’s a part of me. Knowing I could summon it made me feel like…”

She rolled away from Jasper, curling on her side. The treasured pictures her father had shared with her, the portrait of her mother hanging in the beach house, all drifted in her thoughts. Of all the people in her life, she had the least cause to be wistful for the Gem she had never met. But she missed her mother all the same.

“…like I could bring another piece of her back,” she said.

Jasper was quiet for a long moment. Then she said, “Your mother left behind things far more valuable than weapons, Connie.”

Connie tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace. “Like me?” she said.

Another silence crawled between them. Then Jasper sighed as if steeling herself for a difficult task. Speaking in little more than a whisper, she said, “Did you know I was thrown out of the Crystal Gems?”

Sand sprayed as Connie burst to her feet, the frantic motion throwing her glasses from her face. “What?” she cried. “When? Did something happen with Lapis and Peridot? Was there a vote? I didn’t get to vote!”

“Settle down, squirt,” Jasper said, chuckling. With her free hand, she retrieved Connie’s glasses and gently placed them back over the girl’s befuddled expression. “This was a long, long time ago, back when I first joined the war.”

Settling cross-legged on the sand, Connie tried to wrap her head around the revelation. She had known Japer her entire life. The warrior was an integral part of the Crystal Gems, and vice versa. She couldn’t imagine one without the other.

Jasper bowed her head, watching the surf ripple over her hand. “I was made right here on Earth, back when Homeworld was pumping out as many troops as they could to turn the tide of the war. I wasn’t just made to fight. I was made to fight Gems. And I was good at it.”

“So I guess nothing much has changed?” Connie said.

Smirking, Jasper continued, “When your mother found me, she convinced me to join the Crystal Gems instead. She wanted me to choose my own destiny, decide what I wanted to do instead of taking orders from one Agate or another for the rest of my life.”

Connie’s smile broadened. Some lessons about the war were harder to bear than others, but she never got tired of hearing the dream behind each battle, each hardship. “Mom set you free. That’s good, isn’t it?”

“For Gems like Peridot, Lapis, and Citrine, freedom meant leaving their purpose behind. But I liked to fight,” Jasper explained. “Being free just meant I got to choose who I fought and why. So I chose to fight everyone, because I never wanted the fight to end.”

Connie frowned. “Even your friends?”

“I didn’t have any friends,” Jasper said. Then, seeing Connie’s heartbroken expression, she quickly added, “Not at first. I spent too much time picking fights with the other Gems just to show them I was stronger. I questioned every order and argued about every move our side made. In my mind, we never pushed our advantage hard enough. We didn’t take enough chances. And any mercy we showed the enemy was weakness. But Citrine always kept me in line, and I always backed down…until I didn’t.”

Connie squirmed at the glint of memory in Jasper’s eye. “Was it bad?” she asked.

“Have you ever been to the Snow Spire?” Jasper asked in reply.

“No,” Connie said. She wracked her brain trying to remember the name from Peridot’s geography lessons.

Clenching her free hand into a fist, Jasper said, “Now you know why.”

The implication clicked, and Connie’s eyes widened. “Whoa.”

“When I walked out of the rubble, a hundred gemstones buried behind me, Citrine was waiting for me.” Jasper’s expression hardened. “She told me I was reckless. That I had destroyed what could have been a key part of the new world. That we were trying to build something on Earth, and the rebellion didn’t need thugs to make it happen.”

Her stomach churning at Jasper’s scowl, Connie said, “A-And that’s when you settled your differences and became lifelong friends. Right?”

“I called her a coward,” Jasper said. Her fingers in the sand twitched. “I told her she was too soft to win the war. Then I challenged her for leadership of the Crystal Gems.”

Connie’s jaw dropped. “W-What happened?” she stammered.

Her scowl breaking into chagrin, Jasper admitted, “Well…after my body reformed, Citrine threw me out of the temple. She told me I couldn’t come back until  I proved to her I could be an actual part of this world, and not just a storm raging through it.”

“Were you upset?” Connie asked, her voice shrinking.

Jasper snorted. “Even Peridot doesn’t have a word for how angry I was. I’d spent my entire existence fighting Gems better than anyone else, period. Only now that wasn’t enough. I didn’t want back in. I wanted to prove your mother wrong, and rub her face in it.”

Connie thought carefully about what to say next. “Furi-ange-rage-ous,” she guessed.

“Not even close,” Jasper told her. “I started a one-Gem war on Homeworld’s colonials. I fought them everywhere I could find them, no matter what odds they threw at me. Almost got myself shattered a dozen times doing it.

“But it was never enough. No matter how many ships I brought down, or how many gemstones I sent back in bubbles, your mother was never impressed. I stood outside the temple, yelling at her, calling her terrible things. She just shut the door in my face and ignored me,” Jasper said.

Connie clutched at her gemstone, watching through tears as an old, bitter anger ebbed into Jasper’s face. “Jasper, I…I don’t…” she said.

Closing her eyes, Jasper sighed. Then she gave Connie a strained smile, and said, “So I did the one thing no Quartz should ever do: I gave up. I just collapsed in front of the temple, trying to figure out what to do next. No victory was going to make the Crystal Gems take me back, and Homeworld only wanted me in shards.”

“But they had to take you back! Of course they took you back!” Connie protested tearfully. “What did you do? What did Mom do?”

“Nothing,” Jasper said. Then, as Connie’s eyes grew wobblier, she smiled and added, “until that night, when Citrine left the temple. I thought maybe she wanted to fight again, but instead, she just walked past me like I wasn’t there, and sat down at the water’s edge.”

Wiping her cheeks, Connie looked to Jasper’s flat hand on the beach. “You mean, like that?”

Nodding, Jasper said, “Exactly like this. I asked her what she was doing, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t move or speak.”

Jasper fell silent for a moment. Then two. Then three.

“And then what?” Connie asked.

“You really want to know?” Jasper asked. When Connie nodded emphatically, the Gem turned back to the surf and fell silent, her whole body becoming utterly still save for the gentle stirring of her hair in the breeze.

Connie understood, and sat down next to Jasper, mimicking her posture and resting her hand at the edge of the surf. And they waited. And waited.

For nearly an hour, Connie bit back her questions, her impatient sighs, and even tried to relax any fidgeting out of her body. As the tide slowly rose, the water climbed higher up Connie’s wrist with each wave. She passed the time guessing why her mother might have done such a thing with Jasper on a night so long ago.

Then she noticed them. Lurking in the shallows were a host of tiny fiddler crabs. The creatures weren’t much bigger around than Connie’s thumbnail, and their shells were speckled with brown and white colors, perfect for hiding in the sand stirred up by the tides. As they bobbed up and down in their hunt for food, the tide would push a few toward the beach, forcing them to scurry back toward deeper waters.

Of course, she had seen them before. One of her lessons with Peridot had been a report on local animals. But she hadn’t thought about them since her studies had moved beyond them, and she hadn’t noticed their presence all throughout Jasper’s story. As she watched, the tide pushed them back and forth on the beach.

Then one wave carried a fiddler crab up onto Jasper’s hand. As the water receded, the crab took a curious trip up the length of her finger, climbing the craggy peak of Jasper’s knuckle. Jasper grinned and gently, carefully, lifted her hand to watch the crab explore her arm.

“We sat there until one of these little things found your mother. And she lifted it up just like this.”

Jasper held her arm out to Connie. Slowly the girl pressed her arm along the Gem’s, waiting. A moment later the crab’s wanderings carried it onto Connie, its tiny feet tickling her skin. She giggled silently at the tiny explorer, watching it scuttle.

“I might have walked through a million of these little creatures without ever knowing they were down there. I could have grabbed it off her arm, crushed it without even trying,” Jasper said, lowering her arm. “But the only way to get it to come to me—to accept me—was to be still and silent. And when I did, I became part of the creature’s world. That’s when I started to understand a little of what your mother was talking about.”

Connie frowned at the tiny crab, and then up at Jasper. “So you’re saying I should stop trying to summon my sword?” she asked, confused.

“I’m saying,” Jasper told her, “that you need to know when to act and when to wait. That first one is what Quartzes are made for, but the second one is hard for us. Your mother helped me learn how. Her lesson, and a thousand others, are the reason I’m here right now. They’re why Peridot and Lapis are here. And they’re more important than any weapon ever could be.”

Connie tilted her arm, coaxing the fiddler crab onto the back of her hand, and brought it up even with her nose, watching it carefully. “I think I understand,” she said. Grinning, she admitted, “But it doesn’t make waiting any easier.”

Jasper chuckled. “That’s what the practice is for,” she said. Then she sobered suddenly, and added, “Don’t tell Peridot about the crab. She’ll want to disinfect you again.”

Connie winced. “Right,” she said, lifting her free hand to press a finger to her lips. “Still and silent.”

“Especially silent,” Jasper agreed, mirroring the gesture.

Chapter 8: Happy New Year

Chapter by BurdenKing, SilverScribe

Summary:

The new year brings new challenges for some and old challenges for others. Or, the immediate aftermath of the Crystal Gems crashing of Steven's New Year's Eve party.

Notes:

Another omake from SilverScribe, who jumps in here just after the events of Episode 6: Universal Appeal.

While we feel slightly bad for running SilverScribe through an emotional wringer with that chapter, if this is result then we're not exactly sorry either. :)

As Universal Appeal was the Connie Swap equivalent of Fusion Cuisine, plugging SilverScribe's Fusion Cuisine Part Two seems appropriate.

Connie's parents invite Stevonnie over for dinner and Connie tries to handle her anxiety over the situation. Or Stevonnie lays down some mindful education about fusion.

Connie lay awake staring at the clock on her bedside table. It was 4:17 am on the first day of the new year and she wanted nothing more than to return to blissful unconsciousness. But her mind wouldn't allow it. What sleep she had managed to get was fitful and left her feeling even more exhausted than before she'd gone to bed. The beach house was quiet, peaceful. The moon providing the only illumination. Spreading a soft glow across the living room below. As far as she could tell no one had returned yet.

Would they return?

The thought was ridiculous, the logical part of her mind knew this. Of course they'd return. For all she knew all three of them were sulking in the temple right now while she lay here staring at the red numerals on her clock tick by. With a sigh she rolled over onto her side, away from her clock, and resolutely closed her eyes. She tried to clear her mind, tried to relax her muscles, tried to breath away the tension in her body. But worrying thoughts kept floating up through her consciousness. What if they didn't come back? What if the fight at Steven's house hadn't been a regular occurrence for the gems? What would her mom have done? She'd know how to fix this. She'd know how to restore balance. So why didn't she? She put a hand to the gem on her chest. She wasn't like her mom. She didn't know how to hold everyone together. That put her mind on another thought. On something Peridot had said through Hiddenite earlier.

 

“You ALL abandoned Connie! Doug; Lapis; Jasper; before Connie had aged two months it was me trying desperately to ensure a fragile, helpless little being survived in an empty house and an emptier temple.”

 

Why had everyone left her in the beginning? Well everyone save Peridot evidently. Was it because...was it because they blamed Connie for her mother's death? Blamed her for the loss of Citrine? Connie curled in on herself and clutched her hand to her chest.

“Why did you leave? Why did you choose to have me? They need you. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help them,” she whispered to the yellow gem set in her chest. It didn't give her any of the answers she needed.

Connie rolled over onto her back and put her forearm against her forehead. It was then that she realized she was crying. Tears were streaming unbidden down her cheeks. No. She couldn't be crying she thought as she reached up with both hands and rubbed at her eyes. The protagonist in her books never cried over problems like this. They figured out how to solve them. Definitely a heroine demerit for her. But then the sobs came. Low and quiet, forcefully shaking her small shoulders with their intensity. She wasn't a heroine. She didn't know what she was supposed to do.

No.

No, she had to be strong. For Lapis. For Peridot. For Jasper. She had to be strong like her mother.

For all of them.

But she still kept crying until a fitful sleep finally claimed her.

---

Candle flames flickered and swayed in the slight draft of Jasper's furious pacing. Shadows cast by the wavering points of light danced about her feet. Her huge fists clenched and unclenched steadily and a low, near constant growl issued from behind her clenched teeth. The burly gem looked as if she would go on like this forever but finally she stopped mid-stride and turned to the sprawling, candle haloed mural that took up a good portion of her room's wall.

Citrine seemed to be staring down at her.

Disapprovingly.

“I...could have handled that better. That's not how a leader should behave,” she admitted in her low, rumbling voice. “But if you'd been there and seen that shameful display you'd understand! Lapis was using fusion like some frivolous toy. Such a display of indecency, and they paraded around like that in front of Connie.”

Citrine didn't respond. Not that Jasper had expected her to. Despite usually being a gem of few words she found it helpful at times to talk through her thoughts with someone else. That someone used to be Citrine.

Now it was the battleground mural featuring herself and their former leader on her wall.

“Fusion isn't meant for that. It's a battle tactic, a means to acquire greater strength. Not some intimate exchange. Not some party trick for a bunch of humans to gawk at,” Jasper continued. “And Lapis! She was completely out of control. She's always out of control. That's why she needs a fusion partner like me. I can contain her. Control her. Give her focus.”

She'd turned away from the mural now, but she still felt the weight of Citrine's gaze on her back. She tried to imagine how Citrine would have handled the situation. What Citrine would do now after Lapis had ran away to hide again and Peridot had gone chasing after her. She needed answers. But she was the only one around to give them.

“Peridot and Lapis, time and again they go through this cycle. Their little dates. Their little games. The flirting. It always ends the same way. Lapis screws it up somehow and Peridot is left to pick up the pieces. I don't understand why she still puts up with it after all these centuries,” Jasper grated at the floor tiles as she knelt down to observe them. Perhaps hoping for some clues to this mess in their rough surface. Contemplating her teammate's cyclical relationship brought something else to mind though. Something Lapis had said earlier that night.

 

“This isn’t about Citrine; this is about jealousy! You’ve been thirsty for a long, cool drink of Lapis for millennia, ever since Malachite, but especially since Doug swept in and made it clear Citrine was open to a relationship, just not open to a relationship with you!”

 

Jasper balled her hands into fists and ground her teeth together as the biting words played through her mind again. Malachite had been nothing to her. It was just another path to power. A way for the Rebellion to gain greater strategic advantage. She didn't miss that power. She didn't miss fusion. She didn't miss that sense of closeness to someone else, the connection. The intimacy. The feeling of being wanted.

“I'M NOT JEALOUS OF YOUR PATHETIC FUSION LAPIS!!!” she roared as she slammed her fist into the chamber floor below her. Had this been any other structure there would be a rather large crater at the point where her fist had made contact. But this was the Temple. It was made of sterner stuff. A few cracks spider-webbed around her fingers as she stared down at the floor breathing heavily. Trying to regain control of herself, a bitter, rough laugh escaped her lips.

“Now who's putting on a shameful display?” She asked the mural as she straightened and turned around to face Citrine once more. She stared up at her former leader, her former companion of so many battles and not for the first time deeply missed her counsel. Her comforting words. The simple joy of her presence.

But she didn't have those anymore.

“I'm sorry. I'll do better,” she said quietly, back in control. “I'll do better for Connie.”

---

Lapis floated listlessly through a crushing void absent of all light. She couldn't see anything. She couldn't hear anything. She could only feel the cold, immense pressure of countless tons of water. It was perfect. Although if she was honest she could really use a donut right now. Or a dozen donuts. Maybe two dozen.

She'd done it again. Just like Jasper said. She'd flown away to hide. This time in the deepest part of the ocean she could find. Thoughts of Jasper inevitably lead to thoughts of Malachite. Maybe...maybe that's why she'd chosen this place? It reminded her of Malachite. Cold. Dark. Suffocating. The complete opposite of Hiddenite.

Hiddenite.

Peridot...

 

“Every time you and Peridot reach the end of this tiresome cycle, you out-sulk her. She mopes around almost as wrecked as her limb enhancers...”

 

Why did she always do this? Why did she put the gem she cared about so much, the gem she'd been through so much with, through this cycle time and time again? Peri didn't deserve that. Peri didn't deserve her. Lapis just used Peridot... Used her to feel better about herself. Used her as a source of affection. A source of love. A source of self-worth.

Jasper was right.

She did nothing but hurt Peridot.

She did nothing but hurt everyone around her.

Lapis screamed. She screamed with everything she had into the choking abyss. Fists clenched and eyes screwed shut. The water all around her began to vibrate and swirl. She could feel it rising and building, tons of water shifting at the influence of her despair.

 

“Remember Lemuria?!”

 

Jasper's words howled across her mind. Her eyes snapped open as she realized what she was doing. Desperately she reached out to the water all around her. Forced it to calm. Forced it to stillness. Finally she relaxed and went limp in the watery void.

“Moron. Do you want to wreck every coast that touches the Atlantic?” she mumbled to herself. Or at least she tried to. Talking to yourself, or in general, didn't work so great six miles below the ocean.

Lapis pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, burying her face in her legs. Maybe this time she should stay gone. Just stay down here. Away from everything. That way she couldn't hurt Peridot. She couldn't hurt...

Connie.

Connie needed her.

She groaned internally with memories of the scene she'd caused at the New Year's party. Her little Con-con must be so embarrassed. And angry... Stars, and Pinkie Pie had seen all of that. So had his parents. Lapis wouldn't be surprised if they'd tried to call child services after that one. What a mess. Her mess. And Connie would need her help to clean it up.

That settled it Lapis thought as she slowly began floating up towards the surface. She might be a walking disaster but at least one person on this mudball needed her. Wanted her. Well, hopefully. After tonight who knew? But she'd try to do better.

For Connie.

---

Peridot sat on a rough clifftop overlooking the dark ocean waves. She didn't know where she was exactly, the navigational equipment in her limb enhancers could easily tell her, but right now she really didn't care. This was where she'd lost Lapis. Where she'd given up the chase as a futile effort. She'd never be able to locate her in the vastness of the sea if Lapis didn't want to be located. And Lapis certainly didn't want to be located. Peridot knew this from past experience. Excessive amounts of past experience at this point. With a sigh she leaned back on her elbows and looked up at the still dark sky. If Jasper was right about anything it was that this was a cycle.

Although that was about all the big, orange, puerile dullard had been right about tonight.

“If that clod could have just kept her mouth shut for another hour or two we would have made it through the ritualistic human festivities and everything would have been fine!” Peridot shouted angrily at the empty landscape surrounding her. Although even as the words left her lips she knew they were a lie. Everything wouldn't have been fine. Perhaps they would have made it through the evening but something else would have inevitably happened sooner or later. With a similar result for herself and Lapis.

With a frustrated groan she laid back against the rocky ground and stared up at the fingers of her limb enhancers. She idly set them dancing in various patterns and positions, it served no purpose, it was just something she did at times when in deep thought. Earlier tonight had been so wonderful. The dancing, the music, the surprisingly enjoyable patriarch riddles, kissing Lapis...

But most of all Hiddenite.

Peridot thought back to their fusion. To a query Connie had put forth desiring to understand if Peridot and Lapis were aware while being a part of Hiddenite and the fusion's response to her.

 

“Those two are here and loving every minute of being together as Hiddenite, so don’t you worry about them...”

 

And she had loved every minute of being together with Lapis. Of being something more, of being Hiddenite. It had been so long since they last fused and it was so wonderful to be them again. Jasper said that Lapis shouldn't fuse with Peridot, that Peridot couldn't contain her. Couldn't control her. But Peridot didn't want any of that. She just wanted to be with Lapis. She just wanted to help Lapis.

But she didn't know how.

She cared deeply for Lapis but she simply could not comprehend a way to assist her in times like this, no matter how often she had made the attempt. She knew that Lapis'...instability stemmed from her past. From a time before Peridot had joined the Crystal Gems. From things the ocean gem regretted. She knew that this wasn't her fault. That it wasn't something that was wrong with her. That she wasn't just some Era-2 pebble messing everything up.

But it still hurt.

Immensely.

She shook her head forcefully and brought her fingers back from their eccentric formations to wipe at her eyes as she sat up. She was not going to cry anymore tonight. It made it exceedingly difficult to see out of her visor. She looked out over the ocean once again. Lapis was out there somewhere. But there was nothing more Peridot could do at present. On the horizon the sky was beginning to tinge a soft orangish yellow and the dark canopy of stars was fading to a gentle blue. It was a new day, and it would shortly be time for her morning nutritional intake preparation routine Peridot thought as she stood and readied her enhancers for flight. She had to get back. She needed to be there.

For Connie.

Chapter 9: Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter by BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Notes:

Another omake by the prolific CoreyWW, who shows us what's going on at the Universe Household right after the events of Episode 6: Universal Appeal.

It's bad enough CoreyWW goes around writing Doug and Priyanka so well we had to invite him to write them canonically. Now he's trying to horn in on Greg and Mary too?! This isn't canon but, as our editor and co-writer, BR42, kept exclaiming in the team chat, it does line up eerily well with the prologue for Episode 7.

“Uh ... Mary, are you okay?” Greg asked.

Mary sat on the bed, her hands fidgeting.

“Y-yeah,” Mary said weakly.

Greg sat next to her, silently laying a hand on her knee. She gave a small smile, but even that couldn’t quell her anxiety over everything that had happened that night. It was almost three in the morning but she couldn’t see herself falling sleep anytime soon.

She wondered if Steven was actually sleeping or if he too was too shaken to get any rest. It wouldn’t surprise her, but she didn’t check to be sure. She wasn’t sure she could be comforting when she herself felt like she needed comfort.

Greg rubbed her knee.

“You’re stressed out over what happened, aren’t you?” Greg said carefully.

Mary shrugged.

“Well, we just had half our backyard wrecked by two aliens in a sweater. I think that would stress anyone out,” Mary said, glancing at the floor.

“Is ... that really all it is?” Greg said.

“Yeah,” Mary said. But she couldn’t keep up the act and put her face in her hands. “No. No, it’s not.”

Greg nodded.

“Yeah, I thought so,” Greg said. “Wanna talk about it, Starlight?” He chuckled. “I mean, I know I’m just a pretty face, but these pretty ears work too.”

Mary managed a chuckle and gave him a playful push.

“Stop,” she said with a laugh. Her chuckle died out as she stood from the bed. “I don’t know, I just ...” She clutched her shoulders. “Greg? All that stuff that happened in front of Connie ... should we ...”

She rubbed her temple.

“I mean, should we do something?!” Mary said, raising her voice. “You saw what happened! Like ... is it healthy for Connie to be around that?”

“Well ...” Greg rubbed his beard. “I mean, I know seeing Hiddenite throw stuff around like that was scary, but from what Steven says, a lot of Connie’s life can get like that, I don’t think it’s--”

Mary shook her head.

“I don’t give a crap about that!” Mary said. “Yeah, I guess magic stuff happens sometimes and sometimes it can get out of control like that, but that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about everything else!”

“Huh?”

“I mean, did you hear what they said in front of that poor girl?!” Mary shouted. Her heart pounded and she was getting emotional, but she didn’t care. “All that stuff about how some of them weren’t there for Connie, acting like they resent her for whatever happened to her mom, what the hell was that?! It’s not fair! That’s never okay to say in front of a child! I don’t care if they’re an alien or xenomorph or whatever--”

“Starlight, take a deep breath, calm down” Greg said, standing up and moving towards her. Mary shirked away.

“How can I calm down?!” Mary said. “And it’s not like it went over her head! I know it didn’t! I could see the look in her eyes. I mean, do you know what that must feel like?! To hear the people who are supposed to protect you say things like that right in front of you?! Because I do. You know that!”

“Starlight--” Greg cupped one of her cheeks.

“You know how I was raised!” Mary said, her voice cracking.

There was a long pause. Greg sighed, letting his hand fall from her face.

“Yeah ... yeah, I know,” he said.

Mary couldn’t stop her breathing from quickening. It didn’t bother her often. She felt like it shouldn’t bother her anymore at all. It was a long time ago. It’s not like she had anything to do with her parents anymore; it was all over and done with, she felt stupid for even thinking about it.

And yet, sometimes she’d get reminded of it. Reminded of what it was like to have parents arguing at home all the time. Reminded of being blamed for her parents problems so much she started believing she was the cause. Reminded of crying in the mornings before school and wearing a fake smile so no one would know she was sad. Reminded of waking up almost every night to the sound of yelling. Reminded of never being able to relax when it was quiet because she always, always, knew it was just a prelude to more screaming, more awfulness, more feelings of helplessness she couldn’t do anything about--

“I-I need a cigarette,” Mary said, her head pounding. She pulled open the drawer of the nightstand and started rifling through it.

“I thought you quit?” Greg said.

Mary turned back, faint blush on her cheeks.

“I did! You know, basically,” she said, pulling a pack from the drawer.

“Hey, hey, look,” Greg said. He approached from behind, holding himself against her, before he gently took the pack from her hands. “Let’s just talk for a second, okay?” He hugged her. “Alright?”

Mary sighed, feeling her breathing get a little slower.

“Alright ...” she said, exhaling.

They sat back down on the bed. Mary rubbed her temple.

“So what do you think?” Mary said. “Should we call someone or--”

Greg scratched the back of his neck.

“Well ... I don’t know,” Greg said. “I mean, I think we should keep an eye on things but ... well, everyone has a bad day, you know? It’s not like we’ve never argued before--”

“But not like that. And not in front of Steven,” Mary said seriously. She shook her head. “I don’t even like when we have arguments.”

Greg smiled.

“Making up after is fun,” Greg said.

“It’s alright,” Mary said with a grin.

Greg gave a mock frown.

“I ... I feel so attacked right now,” he said.

Mary sputtered out a laugh, despite herself.

“That ... that’s what I love about you,” she said. “Even when I’m being a basket case you always make me laugh.” She traced her finger along his thigh. “Well ... I love that and other things.”

Greg grinned. Mary set her hands back in her lap.

“I dunno,” Mary said, “just ... imagining them fighting like that all the time--”

“I don’t think they’re like that all the time,” Greg said. “Like before that, they were fine. We were getting along and everything.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Lots of people can fake how they act in public.” Mary immediately thought of herself as a child, acting cheerful, but she didn’t mention it for fear of getting worked up again.

“Well yeah,” Greg said, waving his hand. “But I think if they were faking, Steven wouldn’t have such nice things to say about them. And he’s been around them a heck of a lot more than we have. Plus it’s not like Steven would keep it a secret if he actually thought Connie was in, you know, danger or something.”

Mary bit her lip and nodded.

“Y-yeah, I guess that’s true,” she said. “He’d definitely tell us if he was afraid for Connie.” She smiled. “He’s a good little boyfriend.”

Greg snickered for a second, then fidgeted with his thumbs.

“Plus ... well, there’s one other thing,” Greg said. “Connie hasn’t really asked for any help. Like if we knew she was in a terrible situation and was too afraid to say anything, that’d be one thing, but ... I dunno, she doesn’t seem like that. And if she’s not asking us for help, like ...” Greg shrugged. “I dunno, she should have a say in what happens in her own life, you know? I don’t feel like we’re in any place to decide for her.”

Mary considered all this and nodded.

“Maybe you’re right,” Mary said. “I dunno, I always remembered being too afraid to tell anyone anything but--”

“But Connie might not be going through the same thing you did, honey,” Greg said gently.

Mary looked him in the eye. She took a deep breath through her nose and exhaled.

“Maybe ...” she said. After a moment, she added, “I’m still gonna keep an eye on things.”

“That’s fine,” Greg said, laying a hand on hers. “And we should. Let’s just not, you know, jump to any conclusions.”

Mary gave a faint smile.

“I already told Connie she could spend the night here anytime she needs to,” Mary said. “I ... I guess that’s the most I can do right now.”

“Yeah, that was a good thing,” Greg said. He gave a chuckle. “Hopefully Stu-ball doesn’t die of a heart attack if she ever takes us up on that.”

Mary snorted. She rested her other hand on top of Greg’s.

Greg was right, Mary figured. She couldn’t just take control of Connie’s life for her, especially when Mary didn’t know her full situation. She couldn’t just assume it was like her homelife, as hard as it was not to imagine.

And they had seemed nice enough before that. It was hard for her to get the image of them arguing and wrecking things out of her mind, but she’d try to. She would give them the benefit of the doubt.

... for now .

Chapter 10: The Boss Fight

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Notes:

CoreyWW continues his quest for the omake high score with this fic, following the events of the first chapter of Episode 7: Assistant Connie.

Additionally, this builds off the revelations in his previous omake: Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary. I recommend you read that fic first if you really want to get the most of out this fic here.

The Connie Swap Team wish to thank CoreyWW for working so hard to fill in all these little gaps in the main fic with these delightful omake.

Doug had a bad feeling about this as soon as he arrived at the Universe house. And not because of the obvious damage he noticed to the yard when he drove up.

And it certainly wasn’t because of Steven or Mr. Universe. Greg had seemed pleasant over the phone (more casual than Doug thought a rock star would be, certainly). Both he and Steven had greeted Doug with smiles as soon as he left his car.

No. It was because of Mrs. Universe. She stood behind Steven and Greg and wore a smile when Doug walked up but her posture seemed ... off. Her arms were folded and she wouldn’t look directly at him. There was an unmistakable tense air he noticed the second he came up.

Still, this had to be done. After all, Hiddenite had messed up their yard and ruined their New Years from what Connie had said. As nervous as Doug was, he felt he had to suck it up and be an adult.

Lord knew he’d been avoiding doing just that for far too long ...

“Hi there!” Doug said with a wave, trying to look as relaxed as he could manage.

“Hey! Glad you found the place okay!” Greg said as he put out his hand.

Doug gazed up at the large house as he shook Greg’s hand.

“It’s a bit hard to miss,” Doug said. “Every place I’ve ever lived in could fit inside it.”

“Hey, you’re telling me! I used to live in a van, believe it or not,” Greg said.

Doug chuckled. He had to admit, the friendliness emanating from the man was infectious.

Doug glanced down at Steven, who was looking up at him in silence. Doug smiled.

“And I suppose you’re the Universe boy I’ve heard so much about?” Doug said.

Steven scratched his long hair and smiled nervously.

“It’s um ... it’s nice to meet you, Mr. Maheswaran, sir,” Steven said, reaching up and shaking Doug’s hand.

“Likewise,” Doug said.

“So um ...” Steven let go of Doug’s hand. “What ... exactly has Connie been saying about me? Good stuff?”

“Mostly,” Doug said with a shrug.

“Wait, ‘mostly’?” Steven said, a flush on his cheeks.

Greg covered his mouth, an unmistakable snort coming from his nose. This was enough for Steven to seemingly get the joke.

“Oh um ... heh, I get it,” Steven said, face getting redder. “F-funny ...”

Nice kid, Doug thought with a smile. A moment later though, his heart beat quickened. Too nice. Oh god, my daughter thinks he’s adorable, doesn’t she?

Doug however shook his head and resolved to worry more about that later.

Greg glanced to his wife and smacked himself on the forehead.

“Oh gosh, where are my manners?” Greg said. “I didn’t even introduce you! This is my beautiful wife, Rosemary.”

She stepped forward, holding out her hand. However, her shoulders were stiff, as if relaxing for her right now was impossible.

“Call me Mary,” Mary said.

“R-right,” Doug said, trying and failing to conceal his nervousness. He shook her hand for a moment, then felt a tight squeeze before he let go. He rubbed his hand, which was now red. “Wow, you uh-- you got a good grip there.”

“Oh ... sorry,” Mary said. Her eyes were downcast. Again, Doug got the unmistakable feeling she was trying to acknowledge his presence as little as possible.

Greg glanced at his wife, then back to Doug. He clasped his hands together.

“Well, um ...” Greg coughed. “Let’s talk more inside! Give you the grand tour!”

“S-sure,” Doug said, shrugging.

Doug walked in, making sure to keep his distance from Mary.

Just as a precaution.

---

Unfortunately, despite Doug’s effort, it didn’t take long to get awkward.

After Greg gave a brief tour of their living room/musical instrument storage area, Doug finally summoned the courage to get to the point of why he came.

“Listen, Greg,” Doug spoke up, before looking to Steven and Mary. “Well, all of you, I ... I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for what happened on New Years.”

Greg paused, before waving his hand.

“Eh, don’t worry about that,” Greg said.

But Steven seemed to fidget awkwardly. More alarmingly was Mary, who was glancing down at the floor with a dark look in her eyes.

“No no, really,” Doug protested. “It was not okay for the Gems to ... disrupt your New Year’s the way they did. Especially the damage to the yard.” He pulled out his checkbook. “I mean, it’s only fair I cover the damage--”

Greg chuckled and waved his hand.

“Look, really, Doug, don’t worry about any of that,” Greg said. “We have insurance. And even if we didn’t, I’m rich, it’s nothing you need to--”

“Well, there has to be something I can do,” Doug said. “I know how they can get sometimes. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened so--”

“Really?” Mary said suddenly, looking up. She folded her arms. “Really, that’s just a-- just a thing that happens?”

“Uhh ...” Doug said, taken aback.

Steven’s eyes darted to his mother and Doug, perplexed. Greg seemed equally shaken up.

“Uh ...” Greg laughed nervously. “Y-yeah, so anyway, why don’t I show you the rest of the house and--”

Mary cut him off.

“Doug, would it be alright if I spoke to you in private for a moment?” Mary said.

“Mary ...” Greg said in a hushed tone.

“I just want to ask him something, that’s all,” Mary said in a tone that was in no way reassuring.

Mary’s eyes were now set on Doug and would not waver. The look in them was intense and scary.

To be honest, it gave Doug flashbacks to the first time he met Jasper.

Doug couldn’t say he wanted to have such a conversation, but considering all they had been through, Doug didn’t have a right to say no. Besides ... he had a feeling she wouldn’t take “no” for an answer anyway.

“Um ... sure, of course,” Doug said, nodding.

Steven looked up at his mother, but said nothing.

Greg seemed to notice, as he let out a nervous laugh and put his hands on his son’s shoulders.

“H-hey Stu-ball, I just remembered, I need you to help me with a song I’m writing!” Greg said.

“But--” Steven started.

“Hehe, sorry, but it’s super important and you need to help me in the studio right now,” Greg said, gently pushing his son with him down the hall.

Before he disappeared from the room, he caught eyes with Doug and grimaced. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes seemed to say “sorry.”

Doug heard a door down the hall shut, and then he and Mary were alone.

There was an awkward silence. Doug opened his mouth to say something, but then Mary interrupted.

“We should sit down,” Mary said.

Her tone didn’t make this sound like a request.

“R-right,” Doug said. “Good idea.”

They went into the living room. Mary sat in a chair by the fireplace, Doug taking a seat right across from her.

Doug rubbed his legs awkwardly.

Mary’s stare had not gotten any less intense.

Doug took a deep breath.

“This um ...” Doug cleared his throat. “This really is a lovely home you have here, thank you for--”

“Is your daughter safe?” Mary blurted out.

“W-what?”

“Is your daughter safe with those women?” Mary said. Curiously, her hard demeanor broke and she seemed in a state of panic. “I mean, if this is just something that happens, how can you just let Connie be exposed to that? What if she gets hurt? Or ... forget that, she’s already hurting being around that kind of talk so--”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Doug said, holding up his hands. “Slow down! I...” Doug took a breath. “Listen, I know I said things like this have happened before, but I don’t think it’s a regular enough occurrence that--”

Mary’s panic, however, did not subside. In fact, Doug got the feeling she hardly even heard his statement.

“I mean,” she went on, “d-did she tell you what happened?”

“Yes, of course she did!” Doug said, raising his voice. “And ... trust me, I am not happy about it either. Hiddenite’s always been a bit of a problem whenever she appears.”

“So she is dangerous?”

“Ye- no!” Doug said, his face flushing, realizing how bad all this must sound. “I-- listen, I’m sure this arrangement must sound very ... worrying to other people but--”

“Ya think?!” Mary shook her head. “I mean ... breaking a few things is one thing, but making it sound like they were upset Connie was born in front of her?!”

Doug straightened up.

“What?” Doug said.

“I thought you said she told you!” Mary said.

“Well ... she didn’t mention that!” Doug ran his hand through his hair. Now he was feeling panicky. “They said that?!”

“Basically!” Mary said. “I could tell by the look on her face that it hit her hard! And why wouldn’t it? Just ...” Mary hung her head. “Kids shouldn’t have to go through that.”

Doug put two fingers to his temple. He felt sick.

“I-- I should have been here ...” Doug mumbled.

Mary let out a humorless laugh. Doug looked up, feeling anger rise in his gut. He wasn’t usually the type to get angry but ... something about her tone was making him defensive.

“I mean, you can see why I’d be concerned right?” Mary said. “We got this ... lovely young girl and she’s just-- it seems like she might go through things like this all the time--”

“She doesn’t,” Doug interjected, but Mary just kept going.

“--and seemingly her father is never around--”

“I have to work to support her, it’s not my fault!” Doug said, his blood boiling.

“Well, whose fault is it?!” Mary said. “You’re her father, you’re supposed to protect her, and you just let stuff like this happen?!”

“I do protect her--”

“Do you?!” Mary said. “I mean, Steven and Connie have been practically dating for well over a month and he’s never even met you till today! How is that normal if you were really looking after her?”

In that moment, Doug could not have recalled a time when he had been more angry at another human being.

“It’s not like that, alright?!” Doug said, raising his voice without meaning to. “It’s an odd situation, but I would never let Connie stay there if I didn’t think she was safe! And with all due respect, Mrs. Universe, it is not your place to tell me how to raise my daughter--”

Mary gritted her teeth and yelled.

“How can I tell you how to raise your daughter when you clearly DON’T raise your daughter?!” Mary shouted.

Doug sat back stunned, as if he had been physically struck. His anger melted away as he just stared at Mary.

Mary, oddly enough, had a similar reaction. The anger melted from her face and her expression softened. For the first time since he arrived, she looked like the caring woman Doug remembered seeing on stage with Greg all those years ago.

“Oh god,” Mary said, putting her hand to her mouth. “I--I’m sorry, I don’t ... I don’t know what came over me. I--” Mary stood up abruptly from her chair. “I should go.”

Doug, feeling conflicted, instinctively leaned forward to comfort her, which was odd considering just a moment ago he was more furious with her than he even thought possible.

“Hey, wait, listen--” Doug said softly.

“No, you’re right, it’s not my place and just-- I need to go. I’m sorry.”

Mary walked out of the living room and left Doug alone.

He sat in the chair, all of Mary’s words sinking in. He felt like he wanted to throw up.

The worst part was that, whether Mary knew it or not, her words were completely fair. And Doug knew it.

He couldn’t believe the Gems had said something like that around Connie and he hadn’t been there to help her.

Then again ... he was never there to help her ...

He lingered in the living room for another moment before he felt too awkward being alone in someone else’s house. With a sigh, he stood up and started for the door.

Before he could even reach for the front of the house, he felt something grab his shoulder

He turned around to see Greg. Greg gave his shoulder a pat.

“Hey uh ...” Greg cleared his throat. “You feel like having a drink or something?” He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder.

Doug thought of declining, feeling like he didn’t deserve any hospitality after all that, but Greg’s awkward, friendly smile was hard to turn down.

Doug sighed.

“Yeah ... sure, I guess ...” Doug said.

---

Greg took him to a room upstairs he called the mellow room. It was a pretty minimalistic room aside from some ... interesting band posters on the wall. Aside from that, it had a mini-fridge, a desk, and an acoustic guitar.

“What do you like to drink?” Greg said, crouching down and opening the mini-fridge.

Doug sighed.

“Anything that will help me forget about my life choices,” Doug said sadly.

Greg glanced back at Doug.

“... well uh ... cherry soda, okay?” Greg said.

“That’ll work,” Doug said with a shrug.

Greg threw Doug a plastic soda bottle. There was a fizz as Greg opened another for himself.

“Where’s your son?” Doug asked, opening his soda.

“Ah, he went out,” Greg said. “Figured out the whole ‘help with my song’ thing was a lie pretty quick and went out for a walk. Probably going to hang out with Connie or something.”

“Hm,” Doug nodded. “Yeah. Well ... it’s good she can talk to someone that’ll make her feel better today.”

Greg gave Doug a look and scratched the back of his head.

“Listen um ...” Greg said, “I couldn’t help but overhear some of, you know ... all that. I already talked to Starli-- Mary, I mean. She’s pretty upset about what she said. Needed some time to herself. She’s ... kinda been through a lot in life and--” He shook his head. “A-anyway, I’m sorry if things got a little heated.”

Doug took a sip of the cherry soda.

“Honestly? She doesn’t have much to apologize for,” Doug said. “She was right.”

“Come on, don’t be that hard on yourself, dude,” Greg said.

“Well ... it’s true,” Doug said. “If I was actually there, maybe things wouldn’t have been as bad as they were. Maybe-- I dunno, maybe if I had been around more, Connie wouldn’t have to ever deal with anything like that and-- I dunno. I just ... I dunno.” He took another swig of cherry soda. “I’m ... I’m trying to do better but maybe it’s already too late ...”

“Look, dude,” Greg said, “I know what it’s like to feel ... you know, guilty about stuff going on with your kids, even if it’s something you can’t change. That’s something I had to learn myself. Like ...” Greg traced his finger along the rim of his bottle. “I mean, after Steven was born, I felt awful cause I was worried my, you know, my genes or something might have caused ...”

Greg paused and shook his head. Doug stared at him, wide eyed, unable to say anything.

“Well anyway, it doesn’t matter,” Greg said. “I was ... I was just beating myself up for something I had no control over,” Greg said. “Like ... you can’t change what’s already happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to be there for your kids, help the things you do have control over.” Greg cleared his throat. “If ... that makes any sense. I dunno, I’m a rockstar, not a psychologist or whatever.”

Doug looked down in his cherry soda. He felt some of the tenseness leaving his shoulders

“No ... actually, what you’re saying makes a lot of sense,” Doug said. “I’m sorry for raising my voice at Mary though. I should tell her--”

“I’ll let her know,” Greg said. “Like I said, right now she needs some alone time. She really is nice but ... Starlight burns hot sometimes, you know?”

Doug raised his eyebrow.

“Is that a song lyric?” Doug asked.

Greg’s eyes drifted past Doug for a moment.

“No, but ... I should use that ...” he said slowly.

Doug chuckled and pulled out his phone.

“Let me text Connie again. Hopefully she answers this time,” Doug said. “There was some ... other ... stuff going on today, I want to make sure she’s alright, even if Steven is already doing that.”

Doug pulled out his phone and texted a quick message. As he slid his phone back into his pocket, he stopped and looked at Greg.

“So is Connie actually dating your son or--”

Greg snorted.

“Well, neither have them have said that but, you know, come on,” Greg said.

Doug sighed. Greg reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry, being a parent is hard for everyone, buddy,” Greg said.

“Heh! Yeah ... yeah,” Doug said, for the first time letting out a genuine laugh as he did.

Chapter 11: Momma-Dot

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Hi. This is CoreyWW, filling in for br42 who usually writes these intros, but he’s currently out of town right now, following a treasure map hidden on the back of the Declaration of Independence ... orrrr on vacation, whichever.

This piece is written by our own MjStudioArts, and is the first omake to be considered wholly canonical. It shows Peridot and her struggles of raising baby Connie so, strap in, feels are coming. Hope you enjoy!

Peridot hummed to herself as she carefully bounced and paced the open area of the Beach House, a set of floating digits resting on the small child’s back, head resting on her shoulder to the side. Small breaths filled the silence as her other set of floating fingers held up a book, flipping through pages.

“Mmmm... heating water… Temp..” she grumbled to herself. This couldn’t be that hard right.. She thought and continued to read. She had three books on the go: What to Prepare for During the First Year, The Book of Baby Care and InfantSmart. She had read them at least three or four times already, though she found herself perplexed by the information the books offered. As she read on, she only felt her eyes grow tired and sore.

She closed the book and sighed, sitting down on the sofa then leaned back. She had been reading all about “the mother’s touch” and how important it was for the baby to make skin contact with its mother, to calm the baby and help it sleep. She eyed down to the small figure resting on her shoulder before turning her eyes to her floating digits and made a decision. She carefully set the infant down and removed the upper part of enhancer.

It only took a moment for the baby to let out a soft whine. She barely stretched her fingers before she had to scoop up the small being into her arms, shushing her softly.

“Hello, small human. Don’t worry. You have not been left alone...” She whispered, cradling the girl. She leaned back and hummed a slightly familiar jazzy tune. Her eyes flicked up over the Beach House door to the large painting of their now-former leader. It had been a short while since she passed and in her wake, she left a small being; an infant, Peridot had learned. She and Citrine had done much reading on the subject, mostly Citrine. Peridot wished she had studied more vigorously instead of having to learn everything now. That was poor foresight on her part.

Citrine had been so excited, telling Peridot about how this child would be something so amazing. Part human and part gem, the first of its kind...

Peridot could remember the sparkles of excitement in her eyes. It was hard to understand Citrine’s choices, but she supported her, unlike her fellow gems. She knew that Citrine wanted this, so she was in no place to say anything about it.

The calm only lasted a moment before Connie, the chosen name for her, began to let out a soft cry. Peridot got to her feet and began to pace, softly rocking her. Peridot began to rack her brain, when was the last bottle made? Did she forget to make another and put it in the refrigerator? She really should be writing this stuff down. She had only just napped, she could be just grumpily waking up?

“Hey, Grumpy. Heyyy... yeah, hi…” She smiled as the little one calmed, turning her head slightly to look up towards Peridot’s face. She could see that Connie was trying to focus on her face, wanting to find where her voice came from. They were very alert, slowly learning all the time, unlike Gems. It was ... fascinating.

“Yes, hello. Hello, Connie. Such a pretty face you have. And your eyes are so tiny, my goodness,” She chuckled, watching the little eyes scan her face. Her heart skipped a beat as she made a soft little coo. Domestic life was not quite Peridot’s thing, but for Connie, she would do anything. If playing a caretaker role was what she needed to do, that is exactly what she would do.

Shifting the child to rest in a single arm, she made her way to the kitchen, pulling the fridge open and peering inside; she did happen to make a bottle.

“Thank the Skies.” She whispered, and began to hum, peeking down at Connie every so often as she filled a pot of water to put on the stove to warm the bottle. She watched little hands reach and open and close slowly, her small legs kicking every so often. Peridot found herself chuckling at the small sounds from the child. She wished she could understand what was so interesting, but she guessed that would remain a mystery.

Her eyes wandered over the empty Beach House as she fed the bottle to Connie. It wasn’t exactly the environment she would hope for Connie to grow up in.

An empty home... it isn’t my place to make the choices for them, all I can-- could do is-- she heard a small pop that pulled her out of her thoughts, looking down to Connie who turned her head away, losing hold of the bottle’s nipple and letting out soft sounds as she wiggled.

“Hmm not hungry, huh?” The child began to pout then cry, pulling Peridot’s heart strings like she never thought could happen. She spoke, sure she was stating the obvious but it was really to keep herself sane in the quiet house more than anything else. “Hey... hey, it’s okay. I’m right here. What’s wrong baby?“

She stood and rested Connie on her chest, a hand on the back of her head, the other on her bottom as she began to pace. But it wouldn’t calm her; she just kept crying. And really, Peridot couldn’t help but let out a dry sob.

This wasn’t fair. For either of them, but she had to be strong. If she didn’t, both of them would cry and nothing would get done. She let a few tears slip down her cheeks as she racked her brain, for something to do, anything.

...lullabies. Baby’s enjoyed singing, right?

“A-ah..” She choked out. She didn’t know any. Why hadn’t she looked any up!? She was stuck pacing without any way to take a moment to think something up.

No matter. She could do this. Deep breaths.

“Y-you’re just so strange / Your So-.. peculiar??/ This world she’s left, it all to you now. / There is so much, you should know / about this world you’ll battle for” She began, her voice shaking slightly, her mind searching, pulling for any words she could find that made sense together. At least for her sake…

She couldn’t find something more, until a little hand reached up and rested on the side of her neck, little fingers opening and closing to feel her skin. She smiled, “For now: You will dominate with little hands, and giggles I can’t understand, and by the time that you can walk…”

She paused, chuckling softly, “You’ll never stop. / You’re ever changing, and yet... so tiny. / Oh so defenseless… what they call- ‘A baby’ ? / You’ll do so much in this world. / Hush now, don’t fuss my girl…”

She sang as she swayed softly walking around the emptiness of the beach house, pausing at the end as she looked to the temple door and frowned, before turning away from it.

“....you’ve got us.”

Chapter 12: Momma-Dot 2.0

Chapter by br42, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Connie the toddler tries to talk to Peridot.

Notes:

BR42 here. MjStudioArts, talented co-writer and artist par excellence, decided to revisit the plight of Peridot raising baby Connie largely on her own. You can read the first such omake here, which you might want to do both because it's cute/feels-inducing and because it was posted 10 months ago. As Peridot herself would observe, my how the solar rotations fly.

It bears pointing out that this is MJ's work. My contribution was merely as editor and dude who posted this to the Omake Collection.

Babbles filled the Beach House as Peridot went between the book on her lap and the toddler playing in front of her, the child squealing with joy as she smacked blocks into one another. Little eyes peeked up at the green gem as the toddler babbled, tossing all kinds of sounds into the mix. She waved pudgy hands as if she was telling an extremely serious story, then she paused and laughed to herself.

Peridot nodded. “And then what?”

Connie started up once more. Peridot had been reading about how important it was to engage them in conversation, to teach them how a conversation worked by asking them questions between babbles.

“Mama!” slipped out of the toddler's mouth, causing Peridot to stiffen. She looked up from her page, making eye contact with the child.

“Mama?” It was almost a question as the toddler scooted her way over to Peridot.

Peridot’s was starry-eyed and smiling as she let the book fall to the floor.

“That’s right, Mama~” Bringing the toddler up in to her lap, Peridot cooed and tickled her belly.

“Mama!” Connie cooed back, grabbing at Peridot's hand-equivalent.

“Yes! Good job, Connie, good job!” She smiled, leaning back against the couch as she pushed a few stray curls from the hybrid’s face. In doing so the yellow of a familiar painting entered her peripheral vision.

Peridot felt her heart sink, the babbling almost becoming white noise. She swallowed heavy before looking down to the toddler.

“Mama?” She tilted her head, smiling genuinely up at the gem.

“N-no no... not Mama...” Peridot stuttered out. She placed hand-equivalents under tiny armpits and picked the small being up. Little feet kicked and arms wiggled, Connie clearly not wanting to leave the gem's lap.

“MAMAMAMAMAMAMMAMAMA” yelled the toddler, waving little hands in the air.

“Ah! N-no no no, uh uh…”

“MAMAMMAMA Ma am MAMAMAMA”

“Ma’am!”

The toddler blinked up at the green gem, then broke into a bright smile.

“Say it with me. Muh-ah-ah-muh. Ma’am.”

“Mama~” cooed the toddler

The teary-eyed gem sighed and brought the toddler in close, gemstone resting against pudgy forehead. "For now that will do, Connie. For now..."

Connie cooed and giggled.

Chapter 13: Momma-Dot 3.0

Chapter by br42, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Lapis returns home to visit Peridot and the baby.

Notes:

BR42 here. MjStudioArts, talented co-writer, artist, and singer, has revisited Peridot's efforts raising baby Connie. You can read the first such omake here and the second here, which you might want to do because they're great and they build off each other.

It bears pointing out that this is MJ's work. My contribution was merely as editor and dude who posted this to the Omake Collection.

Peridot smiled at the little girl laying on her back staring up at the hanging toys above her with soft coos of enjoyment, little fingers grasping at air as she tried to reach them. Peridot would give one or two a poke making them wiggle and jiggle.

Peridot was finally getting a hang of all this parenting stuff, 12 months in. She couldn’t help but watch her grow, catch every little moment of change and learning. She never felt so grateful for being able to experience something so amazing. She knew Citrine would as well. She took many photos for memories, keeping dates in books, there was a human made book just for that… ‘milestones.’

Everything was going according to plan. Connie had just gone down to nap, and Peridot was getting a head start on putting together bottles for the refrigerator. She was busy measuring when she heard the unfamiliar sound of the front door open.. Peridot peeked up from her work, eyes wide as she saw the familiar blue gem step inside, hand resting on the door still as they stood in silence.

Peridot’s face rolled through emotions: confusion, anger, joy, sadness. Tears welled up in the corner of her eyes before she dashed around the end of the counter, pulling the blue gem into a tight hug. This caught the gem by surprise before she hugged back. They stood in silence as the door fell shut, the two holding tight to one another.

“Where have you been..?” Peridot whimpered into the blue gem’s shoulder. It felt like an eternity that she had been gone, that Peridot had been alone.. That they had all abandoned them.

“Around…” answered Lapis, nuzzling into the green gem, closing her eyes.

“You left..”

“And now I’m back..”

“How long..?”

Lapis’ eyes fluttered open, her mouth falling ajar before shutting and opening a few times, trying to find an answer. But she didn’t have one. “I-I.. I don’t know..”

---

It wasn’t long until Lapis was sipping the cup of tea. A mediocre brew in Peridot’s estimation, but then it was more a prop than beverage.

“So… where have you been?”

“Around, you know. Here... there…”

“That’s not an ans--”

“How’s the tyke doing?” she cut in, changing the topic.

Peridot sighed. “She is well… How long are you going to be here?”

“I told you, I don’t know… Where is the little thing?” The blue gem asked, peering around the immediate area.

“She’s napping, but that’s not what we are ta--” Peridot tried to get the topic back on it’s tracks. But Lapis was having none of it.

“Boring,” the blue gem groaned.

“Lapis! Not everything is made to entertain yo--”She quickly covered her mouth, squinting her eyes as she stood still for a moment before hearing soft little cries. She sighed, and made her way across the beach house and up the loft. Slipping off her arm enhancers she carefully picked the small being up, holding her close and shushing her.

Lapis watched how Peridot interacted with the small being. Patting her back and bouncing around.. She even took off her upper pair of limb enhancers. Why? Why was she treating it like it couldn’t do anything. Why was it letting her treat it like that? Within a moment, Lapis summoned her wings and with a flap she landed beside Peridot, eyeing the small being cradled in her arms.

She watched close as its tears subsided and it became silent once more, big brown eyes peering up at her. Blinking a few times the small hybrid begin wailing once more, making Lapis tilt her head with a look of near-offence. “Psh, what is it broken? It’s not doing anything.” Lapis tried to poke the little bundle, only to be smacked away by Peridot.

“Human infants are born underdeveloped, meaning it takes them time to develop the proper musculature and cognitive functions that are common in other live birth animals. And you assaulting her when I just calmed her down is not helpful to her development,” Peridot huffed, bouncing the baby softly in her arms, humming a soft tune.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You're just so strange
You're so peculiar
This world, she left
It all to you now

There is so much
You should know
About this world you’ll
Battle for

For now you'll dominate with little hands
And giggles I can’t understand
And by the time that you can walk
You’ll never stop

You're ever-changing
And yet so teeny
Oh so defenseless
What they call 'a baby'

You’ll do so much
In this world
Hush now, don’t fuss, my girl

You’ve got us

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lapis watched in awe. The child calmed. Looking around she pulled her foot up to her mouth and put it in.

“Gah, no Connie, we do not eat our feet..” Peridot made her way to the kitchen fetching a bottle. Switching the nipple out with the foot, little hands rested on the bottle, eyes rolling back slightly as she suckled away.

The blue gem watched her walk away with the hybrid, marveling at how different Peridot was now. She was so much more mature.. She couldn’t help the grin that was forming on her face as she watched the green gem take on the role of mother that she had seen so many times in movies. She couldn’t help but think it almost fit her, how she fawned over the little being in her arms.

Peridot looked up from Connie as she fed to meet Lapis’ eyes, half-lidded, taking in her every movement. Peridot gave a tired sigh and turned away, going back to talking softly to the baby.

Lapis was rather surprised. This was..new. Not a bad new.. But new.

---

Lapis ended up staying for a week, as she learned about the new being in their home. She taught her to blow raspberries and listened to her babble, a conversation of sorts between the gem and the hybrid. Peridot told Lapis all about how human babies worked and how they grew. It was interesting, she couldn’t deny the technician that. Then, in the late hours, the blue gem watched the two curled up, fast asleep. Peridot had once told Lapis that the concept of sleep was preposterous, even if she enjoyed it after a while. Looking over the two it was like the most beautiful painting she had ever seen. A moment in time frozen, perfect as it was.. Leaning forward Lapis slowly stood and brushed a large curl from the small hybrid’s face, watching her little eyes flutter open like the wings of a butterfly.

“...Sorry there sport.. Shhh, go back to sleep..” She smiled slightly as she stepped back, watching the little eyes lock on to her as she began to turn away a sound made her freeze.

“Lala?” A small voice she had only started getting to know.

She didn’t move. If she’d needed to breathe, she would have been holding it.

“Lala.. Lala?” Again, it called out to her. Peeking over her shoulder, sure enough, the hybrid was focused on Her and only her . It pulled on her heart strings harder than anything had since… since she left them..

As she began her way to the door she heard little sniffles and whines. And as she placed her hand on the door --“Lala? Lala?”-- she knew she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t walk out. So she turned back, and made her way over to the small hybrid before carefully picking her up. She looked around; with Peridot taking up a large amount of the sofa, her eyes landed on the window seat.

“You like the sea kiddo? I do.” she asked the baby as they moved towards the window. Climbing in she rested the child on her chest and looked out the window, as the waves lapped the shore she softly played with the curls of the child's hair.

With a soft coo and a yawn the baby had fallen asleep in her arms, in that little nook. Under the moonlight by the shore, all was calm and the blue gem was home.

Chapter 14: Comic Relief

Chapter by BurdenKing, citrusella

Summary:

Hi, CoreyWW again. This piece is actually by citrusella, a very talented writer and friend of Connieswap. They wrote a really wonderful piece exploring the light-hearted friendship between Steven and Jeff (the often mention but not-yet appearing fellow who you may remember as the guy Connie judo-flipped during Mindful Education in canon).

As someone who wrote another fic that features Jeff prominently, I gotta say I enjoy how well Citrusella has written him here and how sweet this friendship is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Ah, lunchtime! It may not have been the most important meal of the day, but it was a welcome reprieve from the pressures of classes, passing periods, and the unforgiving social structure of school.

Jeff hadn't been overly popular or an outcast at his former school, but here, he was "the new kid" at best. As such, he wouldn't be seeing himself find a seat at any of the tables taken by the established sorts of cliques. No, he'd have to find a place on the periphery.

He was relieved to find a small table almost in an alcove with someone he thought he recognized sitting alone. The long hair of the boy sitting at the table cascaded toward his shoulders, his face obscured as he looked intently at his tray. He methodically dragged his fork through the chicken tetrazzini with each bite he brought to his mouth as if trying to figure out if it was actually food.

Jeff, suddenly getting the wherewithal to eye his own food, grimaced for a moment before shaking it off and asking if he could sit. Getting no response, he tried again. Faced again with the feeling he was talking to a brick wall (he couldn't be that unpopular, so obviously this lunch was so bad it was zombifying students), he waved his hand near the surface of the table.

The boy's head shot up to look Jeff in the face. He blushed as he messed with something along his hairline, cringing slightly at the influx of noise as he remarked, "Sorry, I've been turning my hearing aids off during lunch."

Jeff was about to ask why when a loud, excited scream emanated from the bustling center of the lunchroom, causing the boy to wince as the sound snaked through the hearing aids and into his ears.

"This might be one of the 'quiet' areas of the lunchroom… but it's not quiet enough," he smiled awkwardly. "Were you trying to ask to sit? Because you can." As Jeff took a seat, the boy spoke again. "Hey, you're Jeff, from the, uh, Beach City class, right?"

Oh! That was where he knew the guy! He was pretty sure they shared a few other classes, but they'd only really ever properly met in the Beach City one, since they were the only two in it.

"Yeah! You're… um… Steven, right?"

Steven, face wearing an expression of simultaneous triumph and nausea as he tried to do the opposite of savoring his last bite of tetrazzini, nodded. Once Steven swallowed, he talked cautiously, unsure of the appropriate volume to match the din.

"Um, you hadn't been standing there very long, had you?"—Jeff shook his head—"Thank goodness. The other day, some girl apparently tried to talk to me for two whole minutes or something and then decided dumping all her fruit snacks on my head was a better use of her time than just leaving me alone."

Jeff sniffed uncomfortably, biting into the apple on his tray as he responded, "That's pretty rude."

Steven paused to make sure he'd properly parsed Jeff's remark before shrugging and taking a sip of his milk. "Ah, it wasn't that bad. I got a free set of fruit snacks out of the deal!" he smirked. "Actually, there might still be one in here…" he joked, pretending to search his ponytail for loot.

Jeff laughed. "I guess that's a glass half full way of looking at it!" He lifted up his own milk. "Or carton."

Steven giggled, then awkwardly tried to find something else he could eat on his tray, unsure of what to say next; he sort of wanted to turn his hearing aids back off until lunch was over but didn't want to make Jeff unwelcome.

They were both silent for a few moments as Jeff poked his entree. "I wonder if school lunches like this are what make people become vegetarians," he mumbled, looking to Steven for reaction.

Steven didn't seem to have heard what Jeff said, and honestly, he didn't look to have been paying attention at all. His brow was creased as his eyes darted between his now-sparsely-populated tray and the exit.

Jeff reached a hand out, bringing Steven back to Earth. "Dude, you okay?"

Steven hesitated as he processed Jeff's interjection, trying but failing to shake the pained expression on his face. "Yeah, it's just… I kinda wish we were allowed to leave the lunchroom after we finished eating. At one of my old schools, they used to let me, like, go to the library with a friend or two to get away from the noise, and we tried to get that here, but the people who write up the paperwork for stuff like that, I think they think I'm gonna go, like, spray paint the lockers or something because they said no. Plus, they were all like"—he put on an important-sounding air—"'lunch is your socializing time and we can't take that away from you'… but it's not like I can do much 'socializing' when everything sounds like I'm in a loud, twisted haunted house. Or is an evil torture chamber a better way to describe it?"

Jeff lifted a forkful of his still-uneaten tetrazzini and examined it intently, then let it flop off to splat onto the tray below. "Definitely torture chamber. I don't know anything about what stuff sounds like to you, but no one would make food this bad unless they were supervillains bent on mind-controlling the entire kid population of a city, ya know?"

Steven, eyes fixed intently on Jeff as he related the mind control thought, broke into a grin that was clearly barely suppressing a giggle fit. "Does that mean if we start bringing our own lunch, we're trying to fight the villain… like heroes?"

Jeff leaned back in his chair, trying to take on a nonchalant sort of persona but unable to stop himself from smiling giddily at the prospect of being a superhero. "You know, I think it does."

---

 

Steven was eating a turkey sandwich his mom had made when a paper slid into view. He cocked his head to the side inquisitively and picked it up with his free hand. In the corner near the title, a sticky note read, "Thought maybe you wouldn't wanna endure the torture chamber again... so I figured we could draw instead! ☺"

Steven looked over the top of the paper toward Jeff, who was lowering himself into a chair to Steven's right as he opened his Temporal Mistress lunchbox. Jeff smiled and motioned for Steven to look back at the paper.

Drawn below the title were two figures resembling Jeff and Steven. Around Jeff's side were various blurbs describing superpowers he presumably had—Immunity to mind control! Hypnosis! Head-exploding clarinet skills!—though Steven's was, at the moment, still blank.

Steven turned on the hearing aid in his right ear, looking to his right to catch Jeff's response to the question he was about to ask: "You play clarinet?"

"No, that's why it's head-exploding! I blew into my sister's clarinet once and it made this loud scream noise."

"That's called overblowing," he chuckled.

Jeff was silent, looking confusedly at Steven, who took a juice box out of his lunch bag and proceeded to fiddle with it as he continued, answering Jeff's unspoken question.

"My parents are musicians. My mom does music lessons," he said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, okay!" Jeff paused awkwardly. "…Sorry for making you turn on your…" He gestured at his ear, not bothering to complete the sentence before clasping his hands and blushing.

Steven, who didn't answer, frowned, though it was unclear if his expression came from the statement or the fact that his straw seemed unable to crack through the foily barrier keeping him from juicy goodness.

He groaned in uncharacteristic upset and began violently stabbing the opening. Definitely the straw thing.

Once the straw broke foil, he remarked, "It's okay. I probably would have had to turn them on eventually anyway." He shrugged and took another look at the cover as he sipped his juice.

His eyes were pulled back to Jeff again as the boy spoke up. Steven missed a few words entirely but got the gist of Jeff's explanation anyhow. "—your hero name off 'cause I didn't know what you'd wanna be called. Or what your powers would be." Jeff pointed to the title.

The Adventures of Treble Jeff and

A blank space waited for Steven to write a cheesy name of his own.

"Hmm… hand me a pencil."

---

 

Ability to resist supersonic attacks! Knowledge of multiple secret languages! Terrifying talking torture tactics!

Treble Jeff and his cool compatriot, Universal Man, had once again been captured by the dastardly Angry Administrator!

This time, though, the heroes had the upper hand! Their capture wasn't a case of getting in over their head, no! It was deliberate, a ruse, a chance to take down the operation from the inside!

They suppressed their smirks as they listened to her plan to feed her mind control pudding to everyone. "Now that I have you in my claws, nothing will stop me from exacting on the rest of these puny children their just desserts!"

Angry Administrator turned to the tapioca tin. Surprised, she shrieked as it was now clear she'd made a critical error in the capture of her enemies!

Curly coifs covered the confectionery! That might not have stopped her from serving it… but the students would never eat it now!

"Hey, 'trator!" a voice called from behind her, "Looks like you've gotten yourself into a hairy situation!"

As she turned, Universal Man pulled at his ponytail, which was significantly shorter than normal, smugly squinting at her as he willed it to grow back to its standard length.

"It's Angry Administrator! Or Angie to my friends, which you're—"

A sudden overblow cut her speech short as her head exploded.

"Aw, come on!" Universal Man turned to Treble Jeff. "I think she was about to surrender!"

Treble Jeff shrugged. "Eh. My way was faster. She'll be back, anyway. One of her powers is generating new heads!"

"Ohoho!" the heroes guffawed as they jumped away to their next mission.

---

 

The boys sat in the library after school, examining the completed first story of what they hoped would become a completed first book.

"This is coming along amazingly! I especially like that the villain just makes her head all over when she loses it." Steven nodded, approving of the punniness of her power.

"Thanks! My clarinet power's not too OP, is it?"

Steven paused as if remembering something. "No. I once made the mistake of being near the business end of a clarinet when someone did that sort of thing. They were practicing… hmm… I think it was 'Pride of the Corpse'," he said, "and Mom had been helping them all afternoon but they still didn't get it and they were probably really tired after all the practice and I think they said they were hungry and they didn't wanna listen to her so—"

"Steven, get to the point—wait, 'Pride of the Corpse'?"

"Yeah, c-o-r-p-s, 'corpse'."

"…That's pronounced 'core', Steven."

Steven looked around skeptically, as if he didn't believe this challenge to his established knowledge, then chose not to acknowledge it in his next statement. "Anyway, let me be one to say that head-exploding is almost an understatement."

Jeff snorted. "Good to know." He thumbed through the comic one more time. "How do we decide who takes it home and who doesn't?"

"Maybe we can trade off? I can get it on days ending in 'y' and you can have it on the eighth day of the week!" Steven joked.

"Hey! That's not fair!" Jeff laughed.

"It's not my fault your art is too good to give up!"

Jeff blushed. "You really think my art is good?"

"Uh, yeah! I like it and it's fun and you do action really well and I like it."

"You said that twice."

"Because it's twice as good as anything I could draw!" Steven eyed the clock and then picked up his backpack and started putting his half of the comic-writing implements that had been strewn across the table back into it. "But I guess if you don't like my first proposition, we could just alternate it. I don't want us to have any unnecessary treble, Jeff," he chuckled.

With a smile, Jeff held out his hand for Steven to shake. "I think I'll take you up on that offer, Universal Man."

---

 

For many days they worked, usually in the lunchroom, usually an unspoken lesson in teamwork, the comic passed from one to the other as if on a strange back-and-forth assembly line. Disorganized scribbles and aimless written rambles turned into an almost-storyboard of a scene littered with sticky note flags turned into coordinated panels between the two.

On the rare times they worked on the comic in class or the hallway instead of over lunch, their work was often focused on figuring out when they could meet outside of school to do some polishing on their work… or a more fun distraction, scouting for new character types.

"How about her?" Jeff spoke in a hushed tone, pointing to a woman who seemed to grace any classroom Steven entered, currently seated near the front row of desks at such an angle that she could face the room and still see the board. She was currently reading a book because the teacher was ahead of plan and had decided let the two boys' class be an unstructured study hall today while she got a bulletin board down the hall done. "Is she a villain? A civilian, perhaps?"

Steven scratched his chin before arriving at what he deemed an acceptable solution. "No! She's a… double agent. She has the power to seamlessly blend in with the villains, so she's our informant on their plans… from the inside!" He gesticulated wildly as he explained this, as if the half-pantomime, half-sign-language gestures he was pairing with the sentence were integral to fully understanding it.

The interpreter, pretending not to overhear lest it spell certain doom for the future of the comic, fought to keep a straight face as she continued to read her book.

Jeff smirked as he wrote that character down. "Okay, I don't know if this'll be harder or easier, but how about the teacher?"

Speak of the devil. She ambled through the door and to her desk to pick up some forgotten bulletin board decorations, eyeing the boys as they both scrambled to look like they were doing serious studying of emergency preparedness.

A note slid onto Jeff's desk.

"Definite villain."

---

 

It was only on a particularly loud day in the cafeteria, after a grave misconception—they'd had their share before, but nothing like this—had almost cost the life of one of the characters, that it occurred to Jeff to ask.

"…So, um… maybe should I learn some sign language or something? Y'know, so you don't have to rely on reading my lips or writing or trying to hear me over everything else in here or…" he looked at his hands and blushed, his next words falling over each other as if on a race out of his mouth, "uh-um… I dunno, maybe I should have thought about asking you earlier than now, I—" His mouth clamped shut as he rubbed one thumb against the back of another.

Steven said nothing for a long moment. Jeff, fearing the worst—or at least another misunderstanding—cautioned a glance up at his coauthor.

Steven's eyes were twinkling, maybe a little more than it seemed was possible for them to do under the grating cafeteria lights. A smile stretched wide across his face.

Jeff, eyes wide with relieved surprise, allowed himself to relax a little as Steven exclaimed.

"Of course! I've been helping my friend Connie learn stuff already, so maybe you could come, too! She's a little bit ahead of you, but I could make it work. And with you there, it'd almost be a class!"

Jeff let out a short chortle. "Does that mean you're going dark side, Mr. Universe?"

Before he replied, Steven narrowed his eyes in… confusion? Malice?

"…I, ah, didn't catch the beginning of that, but," he cleared his throat and tried to make his voice take on a different, funnier quality, "Mr. Universe is my father."

Jeff snickered before clarifying. "I asked if you were going to turn evil since having a class makes you a teacher."

With the sentiment clear now, Steven's brow arched inquisitively as he pondered that circumstance.

"Maybe not just yet, but—" He jotted it down on a list of future plots that lay on the table between the two boys… then scrawled out a place and time for a potential sign meeting. Jeff took the pencil from Steven and wrote in reply.

"I'll be there!"

---

 

Jeff didn't seem to be having a good day. He'd been completely… off during lunch. It had been an awkward thirty minutes with neither of them saying much of anything or working at all. It was as if Jeff hadn't even been there.

Here in their Beach City class, things weren't much different. Jeff kicked his feet idly, his eyes taking on a distant quality, as if they could see through walls or something. Steven glanced over often but kept most of his attention trained on the front of the class, unsure that there was anything he could really do, especially during a lecture on such important topics as what to do if the ocean froze over or a volcano full of lawn gnomes began to rain on their fair city.

Luckily, the teacher gave them an in-class assignment that required working in pairs. Or pair, as the case was. Steven and Jeff scooted their chairs toward either side of a single desk.

"Are you—" Steven began before backtracking, trying not to pry. "What's—um—is something wrong?" Was someone ghosting him? Had he forgotten his homework at home? Did someone he knew die and then get brought back to life with magic tears only to have to sacrifice their own well-being in the end so the hero could—nah, that last one only happened in movies.

"I… I don't wanna talk about it." Jeff looked off to the side, focusing his attention on twirling one of his shoelaces' aglets between his thumb and forefinger.

"…Are you sure? If you want, you don't have to talk, exactly," he whispered, pulling the comic out of his bookbag and sliding it to Jeff with all the stealth of a slinker. "I mean, not that you have to write it, either, if you just don't wanna say anything," he muttered, being careful to stop himself before other thoughts toppled out of his head and he started rambling, lest it attract the teacher's attention.

Jeff looked at the book for a span of several seconds before grabbing it and opening it to a new page. He scribbled furiously, a scene displaying a villain towering over the hero, spitting a single word at—

A throat clearing from above them brought them back to reality. They looked up like deer in headlights.

The teacher was not impressed.

---

 

The vice principal paged through their weeks of work, only making the occasional mumble of disapproval, though at one point Jeff thought he heard a stifled laugh.

Finally, she placed the comic down on her desk and eyed the two boys silently for what felt like the longest moment of either of their young lives. She sighed and opened her mouth to speak but found herself interrupted.

"I'm sorry, it's my fault!" Steven spoke. "I told him he should draw in it and if I hadn't told him then he wouldn't have gotten in trouble!"

Jeff gasped. While what Steven was saying was technically right, Steven didn't deserve the whole blame! "No, it's mine. I decided to take you up on your offer. And besides, I came up with the comic in the first place—"

The vice principal held out a hand to silence the two.

"I… I have to tell you… it's actually not a bad quality comic." The boys looked to each other in disbelief. "And I feel pretty strongly that stuff like this should be allowed as long as it's not hurting anybody or being sold… or distracting from class." They looked down.

"This might be a paper-thin parody of this school, but since it's just a bunch of basic archetypes, it doesn't directly mention anybody specific. And… it doesn't seem like you're selling it. So… as long as you promise not to write it during class or make it a viral sensation or something, I can let you off with a warning."

The boys looked to each other and then firmly toward the vice principal. "We promise!"

She reiterated that she had better not see them in there again as she waved them out and back to class, but she stopped them at the door with one last interjection. "Oh, and boys?"

They turned to look at her.

"Keep in mind that the staff here are people, too. Even if it doesn't always seem like it."

---

 

"Well, that went better than expected," Jeff said as the two walked back to class.

Steven nodded, eyes sparkling as his steps bounced excitedly with each word. "I can't believe she called it not bad! I think she secretly liked it! And that gives me an idea for a new plot."

"What's that?" Jeff smirked.

"Our first redemption!"

Chapter 15: Power Testing: Force Field

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing

Summary:

Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and Steven spend the day testing Connie's force field power, discovering both the limits of her new ability as well as the limits of her patience.

Notes:

BR42 here. Part of the fun and the challenge of writing for Connie Swap is living up to the Team's goal of having Connie be competent and investigative. The thing is, if you go and give a clever protagonist a potent, open-ended super power, they could very well figure out a neat trick or two and break the setting in half (see: Taylor Hebert in Worm or Harry in Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality).

Having them just... not discover said trick then becomes sloppy writing. So that means staying one step ahead of your protagonist: figuring out a power that allows you to tell the story you want to tell with the characters you've set out to write.

Also, I'm the sort of nerd who reads gaming rulebooks for fun so this omake was going to happen, it was only ever a question of when. It is my sincere hope that I was able to shoehorn in enough quips and comedic moments to make a dry chapter fun, but not so many that it obscures the actual information and lore therein.

The events in this omake take place after the events of Episode 3: Force Field Friends meaning it takes place on roughly November 9th. This omake is 100% canonical. I hope you enjoy it.

Connie could summon force fields. This was a recent development and cause for considerable excitement, not only for Connie but for the Crystal Gems and her new friend, Steven Universe.

It was also cause for considerable frustration as the girl attempted to figure out the seemingly random behavior and limitations of her newfound power. Voicing this frustration aloud, Connie had learned from a very nonchalant Peridot that her mother could also summon force fields and, for very specific reasons, the only other people on the planet who knew about this sort of thing had been unwilling to inform Connie of this fact until just now.

There had been words. There had been hugs. The phone had been slagged. Again.

However, the key development was that Peridot, Jasper, and Lapis had promised to help Connie figure out this power.

Connie, being Connie, had insisted they start the very next day.

Peridot, being Peridot, had devised a rigorous battery of tests to explore Connie’s power in a scientific and quantifiable manner.

Lapis, being Lapis, had made a snack run of considerable size “to keep everyone energized and because those new maple-glazed cake donuts the Big Donut is carrying are the best thing since the invention of Nutella.”

Jasper, being Jasper, had said, “Tomorrow morning,” patted Connie on the head, then left on patrol.

Steven, being Steven, had arrived early that morning, straining under the weight of a cheeseburger backpack laden with “research papers” (comics), “test materials” (assorted blunt and sharp objects, a flashlight, numerous colored plastic squares, various household cleaners, a piccolo from his mom’s shop), and a “power diary” (yellow spiral notebook with the words ‘Destiny Powers’, spelled out in glittery letters, glued to the cover).

It was pleasant if blustery outside, which made it unseasonably nice out for early November. Everyone was assembled on the beach out front of the Beach House: Jasper and Peridot were setting up folding chairs and assorted testing equipment while Lapis, Steven, and Connie huddled around the Big Donut boxes, talking excitedly between mouthfuls.

Making three shrill chirps on her limited edition, Camp Pining Hearts Happy Camper Wilderness Whistle, Peridot called everyone to order and outlined the day’s itinerary.

---

Below are the distilled notes from the day’s exercises, compiled by Peridot and Connie, with additional observations from Steven, Lapis, and Jasper.

Test 1: Quantity Limit Alpha (How many fields can Connie summon)
About a minute later Connie was lying passed out in the sand while seven force fields floated in various positions around her.

Peridot was running around making odd squeaking noises as she’d swallowed her whistle (a mere inconvenience since breathing was a pastime instead of a physiological requirement for her). Steven had dumped out the contents of his backpack and was rummaging through the eclectic pile for the smelling salts he’d packed. Jasper had just picked Connie up and was calmly holding the girl until Lapis dropped about half a pool’s worth of sea water on them both.

About thirty seconds later and the first of Connie’s fields vanished. The girl, sputtering and dazed, came to cradled in the Quartz’s arms.

Test 6: Quantity Limit Zeta
Connie summoned her fourth field (or, as Peridot called them, hard light constructs), ran through an agility test (somewhat clumsily), and took a brief IQ test (results consistent with the control test taken the day before... but requiring more time to complete than previously).

Steven confirmed she wasn’t becoming “a being of pure light and/or energy” by poking her with a stick.

Test 9: Quantity Limit Iota
Seven really does appear to be Connie’s upper limit, with five being as high as she can go and still be capable of active behavior and predictive thought.

---

Test 10: Size and Shape Control Alpha (What dimensions could she make her fields)
Connie summoned several fields, attempting to make them as small as possible. The smallest was two feet square and all were roughly half an inch in thickness. Peridot observed that the edges were rounded. Lapis observed they’d make pretty excellent TV trays.

Test 11: Size and Shape Control Beta
Connie summoned several fields, attempting to make them as large as possible. The biggest was fifteen feet square, and all were the same, half-inch thickness. With boosts from Jasper, Connie and Steven confirmed they made pretty exciting slides.

Test 16: Size and Shape Control Eta
Fields appear to be constrained to strictly square planes of force. Curves, non-right angles, or rectangular shapes all seemed impossible. On a somewhat related note, it was observed that Connie responded best between unsuccessful tests to the Crying Breakfast Friends Pear-shaped stress ball over the baoding balls or the inflatable, weighted “bop me” clown that Steven had packed.

---

Test 17: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Alpha (What can the fields sustain while remaining intact)
Direct force delivered orthogonally to a field (i.e. Jasper punching it) showed the fields were capable of withstanding roughly 20,000 pounds per square inch of pressure before cracking. Repeated direct force impacts (i.e. Jasper punching it enthusiastically) shattered the field into dissolution.

Test 18: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Beta
Extreme direct force delivered orthogonally to a field (i.e. Jasper spindashing into it) was the upper limit of what the construct could sustain.

An unscheduled test via hydrokinetic impact (i.e. “Mah Big Ol’ Water Fist”) confirmed that the constructs could not withstand such a blow and shattered completely. Also confirmed, Lapis has no sense of testing procedure and poor aim to boot.

Test 19: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Gamma
Sustained force delivered orthogonally to a field (i.e. Jasper pushing on it) showed that the fields would shatter before they would move or deform. Connie states the sustained pushing “feels really weird.”

Test 20: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Delta
Constructs apparently make poor trampolines. Also, water fists that fail to shatter the field spray outward amazingly. Suspect Lapis anticipated this. Suspect Peridot needs to install a new sense of humor. Suspect Lapis should refrain from baseless editorializing, both within testing results and without. [Raspberry]

Test 21: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Epsilon
If there exists a resonant frequency by which one could destabilize a barrier, it is not one you can reproduce with a piccolo. Even if you try blowing, like, really, really hard. Attempts to test this with a modified wailing stone were inconclusive because Jasper threw the device far out to sea once the city’s dogs were howling and the seagulls were flying erratically. {My, uh, I think my hearing aids blew a circuit or something. I'm having to use my old, backup pair.} {I will see your ear enhancers restored before you depart. Incidentally, how would you feel about being able hear into the 50,000Hz range?} {Wait, you mean like bats? Would I be able to do echolocation? Would I be like Daredevil? How-} {Steven! We talked about this. No super-tech unless your parents are okay with it} {Oh, right.}

Test 22: Construct Mobility, Elasticity, Plasticity, and Resiliency Zeta
Construct material is roughly as reactive as laminated glass. It even spiderwebs like safety glass, too! It blocks nearly all non-visible light frequencies. Good for preventing sunburn. {Hmm, yes, good observation} Fields are unaffected by green light or yellow light, tested by placing colored plastic over Steven’s flashlight. Why this would be otherwise is beyond- {I only brought the first six Lantern Corp books, but they’ll explain. I don’t suppose you have any anti-light we can test with?} {You mean… darkness?} {No, like light but opposite. Shoot, that doesn’t come up until book nine and I loaned that to Jeff.} {I think this… reading material is quite sufficient. Thank you.}

Heat and cold, acid and alkaline substances responded accordingly. Her force fields taste like old pennies, by the way. {Oh? What else have you been lic-} {Nice stranglehold, squirt.} Connie is under advisement to “not fight any destiny battles with her archnemesis over lakes of acid”, which is only prudent, if worryingly specific.

---

Test 23: Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Alpha (Where can she put the fields)
Connie is capable of summoning fields up to roughly fifty feet away under circumstances of perfect visibility. Size of field and orientation seem to have no impact on this distance.

Test 24: Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Beta
A proximal visibility screen (i.e. Jasper spindashing in place atop loose sand) completely impeded summoning fields past said screen. A partial visibility screen (i.e. Lapis holding up a water wall) partially impeded summoning range. Suspect distance is related to sense of vision as Citrine possessed superior eyesight and could commensurately summon fields farther.

A timeout was called so Connie could “take a small break”, cleaning her glasses and generally looking downcast. Psychological side-effect of power? I dunno, P-dot, you don’t seem to be seeing the obvious either. You need an eye exam too? PLEASE REFRAIN FROM UNRELATED COMMENTARY.

Test 25: Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Gamma
Blindfolded, Connie can summon fields but only roughly a foot past her reach. Being asked to “use the force” by Steven failed to improve performance. Having Steven apply or remove the blindfold caused a curious epidermal flushing and the fields’ durations seemed shortened. Must investigate further. Maybe a shoulder rub from Pinky Pie? {No! -Connie} {Negative -Peridot} {Uh, maybe not unless it’s, like, destiny-important -Steven} {[eye roll] -Jasper}

Test 26: Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Delta
Fields cannot be summoned inside other solid materials, be they opaque or transparent. Fields cannot be made to bisect one another. Footage shot with an extremely high-speed {and really cool!} {Wow, thanks} camera revealed that the fields begin as a point in space and expand uniformly outward from there at roughly four-fifths the speed of sound. This expansion stops as soon as the barrier encounters resistance. Should the field be unable to attain the minimum size of two foot square it will fizzle entirely.

Attempts to “game the system” by having Connie believe incorrectly that there was more room available for a field than actually existed failed to produce fields that could exceed the size of their containment. {Don’t worry, Connie, even Neo couldn’t see past the Matrix at the beginning.}

Test 27: Construct Materialization Range and Limitations Epsilon
Constructs can expand through air, clearly {no, yellowly} {[sigh]}, so they are able to displace some matter. Further testing revealed that water at surface pressures can be displaced and will not impede barrier manifestation. Water under sufficiently high pressure (i.e. Lapis “puttin’ the squeeze on it”) will obstruct field creation.

Gelatin of lime-green, yellow, orange, and blue varieties {Ah, Pinkie Pie, were you thinking of us?} will not obstruct field creation and are surprisingly tenacious {and delicious} in clinging to the conjured surface. {Troublesome to bite into, though} {Fun to punch}

---

Test 28: Construct Duration Alpha (Min. and max. durations as well as control thereof)
Connie describes the extant fields as “being something I have on my mind while they’re around.” When asked to concentrate on a single field, said field lasted for seventy-two minutes, at which time Steven’s idea of filling donuts with different flavors of donut holes {Pinkie is a genius! I love this kid!} distracted Connie, causing the field and test to conclude prematurely.

Test 29: Construct Duration Beta
Working under the assumption that conscious awareness of fields is required for their sustained existence, Connie was startled while concentrating on several fields. {Hehehe} {Lapis, that was NOT funny!} {You’re right, it was hilarious. Besides, it all washed out} The five fields vanished between thirty seconds and five minutes later, seemingly at random. Further rounds of testing were impossible because Connie found and destroyed our supply of custard pies and air horns.

Test 30: Construct Duration Gamma
Connie summoned several fields, then she was blindfolded and told to forget about the constructs as best she could. She was then disoriented (i.e. spun around by Jasper) and asked at intervals for the number, distance, and direction of the remaining fields. The field count answers were unerring but the distance and direction answers were indistinguishable from random guesses. {Hey, I was really dizzy… ma’am} {Science neither requests nor brooks excuses, young lady}

Conclusion: Connie knows how many fields exist at any time but nothing else. {She’s also waaay better than I am at not barfing from being spun around. We should ride some roller coasters over at Funland sometime} {[chuckle] That’d be nice, Steven} {How curious. Your fields just terminated even more rapidly than they did following the Beta test}

---

Test 31: Construct Creation Triggers Alpha (What conditions allow Connie to summon the fields)
Bioscanners were arranged and Connie was asked to summon a field followed by an in-depth questionnaire about her thoughts and emotional state during. While scientifically relevant, all of this was also diversionary so that Lapis and Jasper could begin hurling harmless projectiles (i.e. tennis balls) at Connie. {They still stung. And Lapis soaked hers in water first!} {Hehe} The resulting performance, along with corroborating scan data, indicates that invoking the fields, even for protective purposes, is a conscious and deliberate one; not subject to reflex or reactionary behavior.

Test 32: Construct Creation Triggers Beta
With assurances that the ambush testing was complete, Connie was once more set before the scanners and led through a verbal exam conducted by myself. Then Lapis and Jasper once more appeared to hurl harmless projectiles, not at Connie but at myself. {You’re right, they did sting} {See!} If her powers were fueled by protective urges, her powerful feelings of attachment to my person would cause detectable changes in response time and efficacy.

The conclusion was... negative. Connie seemed more amused than distressed by the simulated assault and only generated a construct to deflect a ricochet.

Test 33: Construct Creation Triggers Gamma
With emphatic assurances that the ambush testing was well and truly complete, Connie was given another distracting exam and then Steven Universe was accosted instead, loudly announcing his distress. {I, uh, really didn’t expect it and, I mean, it was like a jump scare in the movies and those always get me} {It was printed clearly on your copy of itinerary. All save Connie’s read ‘Ambush Steven’} {Who?} {The [sigh] the only human present, Jasper} {I just followed Lapis’ lead} {And, uh, I may have kinda skimmed the last part of the schedule thing you wrote up. Sorry, miss}

The conclusion was… surprising. Connie responded promptly managing to interpose fields between Steven, herself, and the simulated assailants with speed and efficiency despite being caught flat-footed.

A subsequent data analysis and questioning (which Connie insisted take place only once Steven and she were in possession of all the projectiles) revealed that Connie’s sense of justice was offended by the attack on a helpless bystander. {I know Steven volunteered… sorta, but it still felt wrong} {It’s okay, Connie. I mean, it’s for Science. Destiny Science. That’s important, right?} This caused a surge in the aggression centers of her limbic system, prompting the results displayed.

---

Test 34: Construct Application Alpha, Beta
Connie summoned fields sufficient for windbreaks and (for Steven and herself) UV protection such that a picnic could be had. Following that, fields were used to serve as the load bearing supports for a sandcastle of considerable size. Jasper seemed to particularly enjoy gathering and compacting the sand. Lapis, in designing the appearance; I have my doubts there was ever a Sandspire on Earth {There totally was, Deripot. Some whackadoo Pearl could manipulate the stuff and-} {Ahem!} but the facade was impressive nonetheless. Gathering and analyzing this was, for me, quite entertaining. {We all saw you lick that field when you thought no one was looking, Pterianodon} {Nonsense! Cathode-flavored nonsense!}

Conclusions:
Science is delicious; nearly as much as those maple-glazed cake donuts!
Now we just need a big room full of holograms for you to train your powers in!
Connie did good.
It’s weird having a power but even weirder to have one that literally occupies your mind.

{Wait? Someone needs to retrieve my modified Wailing Stone!} {[touches gem-nose]} {Uh, Steven and I have to breathe, ma’am.} {I would but I really don’t want to} {[incoherent grumbling followed by helicopter noises]}

Chapter 16: Feed A Fever

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing

Summary:

Connie has gotten sick and Steven has rushed over to join Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper in helping the girl get better.

Notes:

BR42 here. This started as a prompt that was kicked around on the Discord chat a month or so ago. A couple of compelling ideas came out of the discussion so I snatched it up and set to work. I intended to post this during our omake week between episode 7 and episode 8, but there just wasn't time to finish it amidst all the travel preparation going on.

Since getting back home I've been working on this bit-by-bit and ultimately I'm glad I did have to wait; this version is much improved upon what it would have been had it gone out on June 7th. Frankly, this whole thing was a lot of fun to write, being slapstick top to bottom (okay, maybe not all the way to the bottom).

Let me say emphatically that THIS IS NOT CANON! Places, powers, and events depicted herein may or may not share any resemblance to what's canonical to Connie Swap. This is a ride, pure and simple, and I encourage y'all to sit back and enjoy it.

Oh, one last thing. There's a section that uses the show Gilmore Girls as a vehicle to propel the dialogue. I tried to write it so you didn't need to be familiar with the show to follow along, but if you want to see who the heck Steven, Connie, and the Gems are talking about, take a looksie at the link above.

"Wooooooooooooo!" cried Connie as she sped through the air, the rain mingling with the tears from so much wind in her face.

A giant watery mushroom reared up from the sea below providing Connie a much gentler landing, though certainly no drier.

With a few gestures from Lapis, a wave crested across the beach, depositing the soaked Connie. "Hey girlie. You wanna-"

"Again!" cheered the girl impetuously, scrambling to her feet as salt water leaked out of her sodden overalls and rain drops impacted her glasses.

"You heard her, Jassafras," said the Blue gem as Jasper picked Connie up.

"One fastball special," said the large gem, rearing back and chucking Connie skyward. This sent the girl hurtling on a parabolic arc through wind and rain over to the ocean that was even now preparing to catch her.

---

Ding! went the limb enhancer.

Peridot looked at the results of the scan and sputtered. "That is a fever, a biological response whereby the body brings itself to near heat-death in the hopes that the bacterial invaders expire before it does! And this ludicrous game of metabolic chicken was initiated because YOU TWO", and she pointed accusingly at Jasper and Lapis, "wanted to use Connie as a frisbee."

"Frisbees spin," answered Lapis. "Connie was more of a..."

"Javelin," finished Jasper. She shared a look with Lapis and the two came away with a hint of a grin and a Cheshire smile, respectively.

Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air in exasperation. "Embed my gem in a pillow because I can't stand this anymore! You two, get on that warp pad and don't come back until you've gathered from the garden everything needed to make my curative slurry."

Connie, who was already looking fairly pathetic, paled further at the prospect of a bowl of Peridot's utterly healthy and completely awful nutritional puree.

Once the warp pad chimed, Peridot turned to Connie and spoke in gentler tones. "Speaking of embedded, you should get yourself to your loft and rest. I've had Toasty pre-warm the covers for you and Daneel has been subdued so we don't have a repeat of the 'Nurse Ratchet' incident."

Connie settled into the warm bed and took a sip from a glass of water on her bedside table. Pulling the covers up, she felt her pocket buzz.

* StUn - 10:11am | Making snack sushi but it has cheetos
* StUn - 10:11am | Want to bring some over but
* StUn - 10:12am | Would th@ offend Jasper? She just seems
* StUn - 10:12am | Cheeto sympathetic

Connie set her drink aside and smiled between sniffles. She was awash in weird on a daily basis, but Steven's weird was... quaint. Funny. In contrast...

The tone of the warp pad heralded the return of Lapis and Jasper, the latter holding in one hand a box of produce that probably weighed as much as Connie did.

"Ah, excellent," observed Peridot from the kitchen. "I have completed my cookware sterilization process and finished my sixteen point check-up on the industrial blender."

Over the din of what sounded like logs being fed into a woodchipper, Connie tapped out her reply to Steven.

* CoMa - 10:14am | I don't think Jasper would mind. It's not like she's going to eat them. Me neither :(. I'm sick in bed and Peridot would blast any junk food that got within 5 feet of me.
* StUn - 10:15am | U R Sick?!
* StUn - 10:15am | ILL B OVER SOON

Connie sent another couple messages --to find out what he had in mind, to assure him that she was not lacking for care, to try and keep him from making a fuss over her-- but she got no reply.

Several minutes passed followed by a loud, wet 'wump' sound. Jasper stepped out of the kitchen, one side shellacked in a greenish-brown paste, clumps of which were oozing down one of the warrior’s legs and pooling to the floor.

"Apologies, Jasper," called out Peridot. "An alkaline build-up from the radishes must have hit a pocket of citric acid from the grapefruits and, uh-"

"You got blender blasted!" finished Lapis.

"Fortunately, my scan of the admixture confirms that the desired concentrations have been achieved in the, uh, less kinetically active remainder. I believe this curative is complete," announced the Green gem.

"Gonna go for a spin dry," said the impassive and sticky warrior as she headed towards the door, every other step leaving a large, gloopy footprint on the floor.

Holding a salad bowl of slurry like a monk holding a reliquary, Peridot walked up the stairs to Connie's loft. Each footfall resounded in the girl's ears as it brought the dreaded mixture closer; the phantom flavor of the sickeningly healthy soup was already tormenting Connie's tongue.

Peridot got to the top of the loft when Connie heard someone ascending stairs outside. Quickly.

Lapis had been sitting on the kitchen countertop watching Connie's facial expressions with a mix of sympathy and schadenfreude. When the door swung open with a bang the Blue gem fell backwards onto the kitchen floor with a yelp and a thud.

Connie and Peridot (who, much to Connie's profound relief, did not startle and spill the slurry) looked to the door.

"Uh... Hi, Steven," said the girl, a touch bemused.

Steven was leaning one shoulder against the door frame and panting heavily, a large, insulated basket held with both hands at chest height.

"I... hope... I got... here in... time!... Connie... your gemstone... hasn't... turned... white or... something... has it?!"

Eyes wide, Connie glanced down to see that the single part of her that had never once changed was still, in fact, unchanged. "No, it's still-" but she was cut off by a sneeze.

Steven nodded, walked across the room, and carefully set the basket on the coffee table. He was still panting from his mad dash across town. "I found all... the yellow food I... could! I just... hope it's enough."

Wiping her nose, Connie shared a puzzled look with Peridot before hesitantly answering. "Um, thanks?"

Lapis, meanwhile staggered to her feet, various verbal barbs on her lips. However, she restrained herself to merely shaking her fist, first at Steven and then at her old nemesis, the Door For Dramatic Entrances. After that she settled in to once more watch the show, though this time from the more stable perch of the window seat.

Unpacking the basket, Steven carried on with his baffling air of urgency. "Yeah, I mean, what if you're using up your supply of it when you do awesome yellow magic stuff? Are you low? Will you lose your powers if you run out? Maybe that's why you're sick."

Peridot set the bowl on Connie's nightstand --a waft of the contents reminding Connie just what was at stake here-- so she could better express her skepticism by placing her hand-equivalents on her hips. "If this is about that four humors malarky human physicians used to ascribe to-"

Steven nodded and cut in, absentmindedly signing while he spoke. "No, I don't think it's funny either, Peridot. That's why I've got," and he gestured to the spread he'd arranged, "chicken soup, cornbread, lemonade, and bananas. Oh, and diced yellow bell peppers, though I think they look kinda orange but there's an actual 'orange bell pepper' that looks even more orange so I hope Connie's power reserve will accept it."

Peridot opened her mouth to rebut then stopped, brows furrowed as she processed his words. Shifting to a more thoughtful pose she remarked, "That is... a surprisingly appropriate collection for a convalescent diet."

Connie's taste buds, sensing a thin, yellow ray of hope amidst a sea of greenish-brown doom, assumed control of Connie's mouth. "You know, it, uh, it's worth a shot. I mean, I'm only half gem so maybe this power business works differently for me. It couldn't hurt."

She gave Peridot a pleading smile.

"Hmm, while I commend the Steven's instincts, my curative slurry is scientifically optimized and..."

While Peridot enumerated the virtues of her unpalatable panacea, Connie fixed Lapis with an urgent look. Once she was sure she had the gem’s attention, the girl silently mouthed, 'help me.'

Lapis rolled her eyes and mouthed back, 'you owe me.' Then, speaking loudly, she said, "Here, Con-Con, I'll get you some fresh water. I think I saw Toasty drop some crumbs in tha- Whoops!"

The water in Connie's glass as well as the viscous broth in the nearby bowl were caught in Lapis' hydrokinetic effect, rising into the air and commingling. Bobbing within the muddy sphere was one of Connie's wadded up tissues.

"...efficiency of imbibing your entire dietary requirements cannot be denied. Furtherm- Aaah! Lapis! You've contaminated the last of the medicinal mixture! Now Connie will have to entrust her recovery to this cobbled-together chromatic calorie collection," objected the Green gem.

While Lapis hovered the remains out the already open door then launched them skyward, a saddened Peridot turned to Connie. "I'm sorry, dear, but I'm afraid you'll have to make do with suboptimal foodstuff at this time."

Connie managed to assume a look of pained acceptance until Peridot turned to descend the stairs. The girl then sunk into her pillow with visible relief.

---

Jasper sighed and wiped the green-brown mess (as well as a soggy tissue) from her face. The large gem turned and walked back to the stretch of rocks and sand that already looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.

---

Steven set a tray across Connie’s lap loaded with sunny servings of each of the things he'd brought. "Here, lean forward and let Nurse Steven fluff your pillows for you."

Connie took a sip of the drink Steven had poured her, then exclaimed, "Ooh, this lemonade is good!"

"Thanks," he said as he fussed over her bedding. "The lemons are from mom's garden."

Picking up a damp cloth from the tray, he moved to wipe her brow when there was a flash and an audible 'pop'. Steven yelped, jerked his hand back, then put a finger in his mouth.

"What just transpired?" asked Peridot from below.

"Uh, I went to wipe Connie's forehead and I got shocked. It, uh, it really stung."

"There was a spark between you two, eh?" drawled Lapis without turning away from the splatterfest taking place on the beach.

As Steven attempted to parse both the text and subtext of Lapis’ remark, he noticed Connie’s hair was starting to look like someone had rubbed a balloon on it. A chance view of his reflection in the window revealed that his thick mane was also poofing out to frightful proportions.

“Hey,” asked Connie, “What’s going on with your hair, St-Stah-aaah-CHOO!”

There was a moment of brilliance, a crackle that left the ears ringing (or, in Steven's case, making static noises), and the light bulb in Connie’s desk lamp exploded.

The air smelled of fried wiring and ozone.

Steven, his hair defying both gravity and the limits of human scrunchie technology, plucked a tissue from the nearby box and held it up to Connie’s nose. She blew into it. A small shower of sparks issued forth causing the paper to smolder.

“Fank yew,” she said, utterly congested, as Steven hustled downstairs to extinguish and discard the used tissue.

---

Like the shot at the start of a race, the shock sneeze heralded the start of many strange happenings.

At one point, Connie got a severe case of the hiccups, which caused her to randomly summon force fields, large and small, around the Beach House.

Jasper was coming in from outside and tripped over a small field that appeared at ankle height. Getting to her feet, she then bonked into a second field that had appeared overhead.

Lapis found this hilarious; Jasper, less so.

An especially poorly placed field meant Steven had to run to the Big Donut to visit the bathroom, which Connie apologized vehemently for.

Several remedies were suggested to cure Connie's hiccups, but the results were a lot of spilled water and applesauce, as well as Peridot getting suddenly punched in the nose by Connie... though the scary mask she was wearing did absorb some of the impact.

Jasper found this hilarious; Peridot and Connie, less so.

However, upon waking from the stupor that summoning too many fields caused for Connie, the girl found her hiccups gone. Jasper, who had unthinkingly been leaning on one of Connie's fields, toppled heavily over onto Lapis.

Connie and Peridot found this hilarious; Lapis and Jasper, less so.

Then there was what Connie would later describe was an Alice In Wonderland mishap. For some reason, the banana Connie was eating kept shifting in her hands. It wasn't until a surprised noise from Steven made her look up that she noticed the world had gotten larger.

With little hands, tiny baby Connie made an adorable facepalm while Lapis and Steven squeed and Peridot looked on wistfully.

Despite being unable to articulate herself vocally, baby Connie could sign (if clumsily) and so it was that Steven translated to Peridot that this was absolutely not the time for the lullaby, thank you very much.

A short time later Peridot was carefully spooning mouthfuls of chicken soup broth to Connie, Steven sitting nearby to act as interpreter, when the world grew quite a bit smaller.

Jasper's eyebrows shot up. Lapis gave a wolf whistle. Steven's eyes were wide as saucers and his cheeks showed the early signs of a fiery blush.

Twenty-something Connie was unable to contemplate all of this because she was being crushed by clothing that was many sizes too small. When she started to tug urgently at her shirt, Steven gave a yelp then stumbled blindly down the stairs and out the door.

Peridot was eventually able to coax him back in, but there was lingering awkwardness between him and the now-restored Connie for several minutes longer.

---

"Daytime television is one of the great joys of being all boogered up," explained Steven to Connie (in bed), Lapis, Peridot (sitting to either side of the bed), and Jasper (leaning on the edge of the loft from the floor below).

Pacing in front of the assembled, Steven continued. "Reruns, strange commercials, and marathons of old shows are all a vital part of getting over being sick. The bad news is that Connie's, uh, lightning sneeze broke something so the TV only shows one channel. The good news is there's an airing of the Gilmore Girls on that one channel, which is perfect for when you're in bed at one in the afternoon. It's about a mother and her teenage daughter living in a small town of quirky characters."

Jasper nodded her head, then turned like she was about to walk over to the warp pad to do literally anything else. She was stopped in her tracks when a certain girl, sad to see her leaving, gave an involuntary whimper.

"Give it up, OJ. There's no escaping the Connievalescence," drawled Lapis between bites of bell pepper.

With a sigh, Jasper returned to her post. "So, what's the mother's name?"

"Lorelai," answered Steven.

"And the daughter?" she asked, looking slightly put-upon.

"Also Lorelai, actually."

Jasper blinked. "This might actually work then."

---

"This is amusing but I find it vaguely off-putting how it's all a thinly-veiled bit of escapism for unsatisfied women," said Connie during a commercial break.

Steven pondered this criticism from where he was leaning against the wall at the foot of the bed. "I mean, guys have plenty of guy-flicks to watch, so why is it bad for the same thing but for women?"

Connie shook her head. "No, escapism is fine. I'm objecting to what is implied from the form of escapism being presented. It's a celebration of the implausibly tight bond between this mother and daughter while both are surrounded by hunky male stereotypes trying to woo them."

"I agree," said Jasper, surprising everyone. "Their behavior is strange. The tall Bismuth-human with the hammers-"

"You mean Dean the construction worker?" translated Connie.

Jasper nodded. "That one should challenge the insolent Zircon-human with the two-wheeled vehicle to gladiatorial combat. That way the tall one could establish itself as the dominant suitor for the smaller Lorelai."

"You want Dean to beat up Jess... for Rory?" asked Steven.

The warrior nodded.

"That's... actually a very popular opinion among the fans," said the boy. "Oh! And Dean's actor goes on to be in this other show called Supernatural where he fights ghosts and monsters and stuff. And Jess' actor was in this show called Heroes, where he was this kind of Neo-meets-Superman mashup, by the end anyway, and it'd be really cool to see them-"

"Steven!" interrupted Connie. "Remember the promise we made you and Peridot make after the third episode?"

Wilting a little, Steven nodded. "Oh, right. 'No shipping charts and no crossovers.' Sorry, I got a little carried away."

Connie nodded magnanimously to Steven as Peridot jumped into the conversation. "Actually, while we are bringing up irregularities, are these Gilmores supposed to have intestinal parasites or some sort of genetically induced metabolic inefficiency?"

On-screen the mother-daughter pair were making their umpteenth visit to Luke's Diner.

"Nooo," said Steven. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to my calculations, these two have consumed more than triple the daily caloric intake needed for someone of that body type," came the nasally reply.

Lapis scoffed. "As a svelte gal who knows the joys of food, I object to that remark. No, if you want to nitpick this thing, the dialogue in this show is ridiculous!"

"Really?" said Steven, "Because the banter is one of the things it's best known for."

"Oh, it's not dumb, it's unrealistic," groused Lapis. "No one goes around delivering pop culture references, snarky retorts, and endless quips in a rapid-fire delivery on demand."

Everyone was silent and, for some reason, staring at Lapis incredulously.

Muting the TV, Connie set down the remote, clapped her hands together, then pointed to the Blue gem with her index fingers, "Lapis. Nicknames; bonus points for obscurity. Go!"

Lapis answered hurriedly, starting with Peridot and working clockwise around the group. "Oh! Waiting for Perdot. Stevie Wonderverse. Jasperger Syndrome. Aaand... Condide the Optimist! How'd I do?"

Connie nodded and reached behind her bed to fish out a box of Pocky. "Six points; I'm only awarding extra for the Voltaire and Beckett references."

"Yeah, whatever. Now, gimme-gimme-gimme," said Lapis excitedly snatching up the proffered snacks.

Unmuted, the group was treated to a lively exchange on-screen about how car repair was like something out of Kafka.

After a moment, Steven said, “Well, at least we can all agree that Kirk is funny.”

Everyone nodded.

Peridot perked up. “Steven, this Kirk actor was also in Guardians of the Galaxy. So, what if, instead of Peter Quill, Star-Lord were Logan?”

Steven’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Then you could have Rory be Gamora and Paris be Nebula and-”

“No crossovers!” shouted Connie, Lapis, and Jasper.

---

Another sneeze had fried the TV fully, putting an end to the antics from Stars Hollow. As the others stepped down, Steven cleared away Connie’s dishes. “So, I brought one more thing but, after how things get kinda weird when you eat, I’m not sure whether to offer it or not.”

Connie sniffled, sending a few errant sparks tumbling to her blanket. “I doubt there’s anything more that can happen. Besides, we don’t actually know if the food had any effect or if all of this is what happens when I get sick now that I have powers. But I really enjoyed the food so thank you for bringing it.”

Downstairs Peridot had resumed trying to de-gunk the blender.

Connie reached out and gripped Steven by the wrist, her gaze suddenly very serious. “No, really. Thank you,” she said with emphatic earnestness.

Steven smiled and, once Connie let go, walked the dishes down to the sink. Rinsing off the bowls and plates, the boy called up to her, “I brought a pint of lemon sorbet. It’s the sort of thing my parents would always bring me when I got sick while we were touring. There’s no dairy, so it’s less likely to upset your stomach and it’s got, like, a million percent the amount of vitamin C you need which I’ve heard is good too.”

“Oh! That sounds delicious,” exclaimed Connie. Pitching her voice so Peridot would hear her over the sounds of scouring, Connie said, “Can I have some, ma’am? Pleeease?”

Peridot, mottled greenish-brown in places, rubbed her chin. “I suppose so long as the others have no objections. Steven is largely correct about both the lactose and the ascorbic acid.”

Lapis, who had been laying upside-down on the couch reading a manga that was held rightside-up (because that way I can read it left-to-right), piped up. “Yeah, I mean, whoever heard of someone getting a power boost from ice cream? Besides, she shouldn’t eat the whole pint so she’ll have to shaaare it~” she said, singsonging at the end.

Peridot spared a glance at Jasper. The large gem was staying out of the direct path of the blender and looking at her feet every so often for stray fields, but paused in her vigilance to give a noncommittal shrug.

Moments later Connie put the first bite in her mouth, savoring the potent tartness of the treat, her eyes closed. “Oooh, that’s good. The sourness is making my tongue tingle a little, and I can feel the cold settling in my tummy. It kind of tickles.”

“Uhhh, hey Connie?” came the tremulous voice of Steven. “You might wanna open your eyes.”

Connie’s eyes blinked open to find an empty spoon in her right hand and… a tiny, glowing yellow sword held lightly in her left hand.

In a reverent (if congested) voice, Connie said, “That’s… that’s my sword.”

Eyes wide and starry, hands on his cheeks, Steven whispered, “So coool…”

Stay calm. I've thought about this exact moment... well, okay the ice cream is new, but regardless, I've been thinking about what I'd do if I resummoned my sword for months now. My... teenie-tiny cocktail sword of magical destiny. So, deep breathes, no sudden movements, and don't just throw it by accident like-

Normally sneezes take a moment to happen. There's a tingle in the nose, the eyes may water slightly, and of course there's the famous "aaah-ah-" before the percussive "-choo!" Sometimes though, a sneeze forgoes all of that and simply happens in a blast that leaves everyone, the sneezer included, surprised.

For Steven, it looked like Connie had been holding her diminutive sword tenderly, as though it were made of glass, when there was a sudden movement and a shower of sparks filled his vision. On instinct, he gave a yell and brought his arms up to cover his face.

For Lapis, the Beach House was upside-down and the fabric of the couch cushion was pressed against her gemstone in a way that kinda tickled. There were some amusing stammers happening up on the loft causing her to roll her eyes. Oh just kiss already, she huffed while turning the page of her hair stylist manga which was held, from everyone else's perspective, rightside-up. Then there was one of Connie's cute little mouse sneezes, a yelp from Pinkie, and then a tiny yellow comet sailed overhead. What the fusion was that?!

For Connie, she opened her eyes from a sudden sneeze to see Steven flinching away from numerous little motes of light while a blur of motion and diminutive thunderclap heralded Connie's cocktail sword of destiny... embedded in Jasper's left buttcheek.

Jasper twisted around to see her posterior recovering from an attack. She looked up and saw that Connie was staring at her wide-eyed while that human of hers was making noises of distress for some reason.

"That's it!" cried the large gem.

An untimely bout of Connie hiccups meant Jasper tripped twice and literally punched her way through a third shield on her way to the temple door.

Everyone started talking at once, the Beach House awash with vocalized confusion, apologies, and exclamations, all of which stopped the moment Jasper stomped out of the temple and strode purposefully toward Connie.

"Drink this. Now," said the large gem, holding a vial with a stylized rose blossom on it.

There was a gasp from Peridot. "No way," said an awed Lapis.

Connie gingerly took the vial, then downed the contents. It was slightly salty and yet cloyingly sweet at the same time, but Connie was breathing normally through her nose before the liquid had even reached her stomach.

Jasper retrieved the glass container, then walked swiftly towards the warp pad. "I'm going on patrol," she muttered before being engulfed in light.

"Guys?" asked a normal-sounding Connie. "What the heck was that?!"

Peridot was quick to answer. "That was a powerful curative from the days of the Rebellion. Your mother entrusted the last of her stockpile to Jasper centuries ago. She stores it somewhere in the temple and is normally very reluctant to dip into the finite supply."

"So... Connie annoyed Jasper so much she gave her ancient healing water?" asked Steven after making sure his hearing aids were working right.

Lapis hovered up to the loft, a big grin on her face. "Yeah, nice job, Con-Con. Speaking as something of a connoisseur of crabby Quartzes, you were in fine form today!"

Connie didn't find Lapis' praise particularly heartening. "Do you think we should go after her? Should I apologize?"

Lapis waved the girl's concerns away. "Pfft, naw. OJ just needs to stomp around and punch something, or whatever it is she gets up to when she's on patrol. She'll be fine after she's had a couple of hours to blow off steam. Now, I can't speak for you all, but I'm going nuts to try this gem-enhancing gelato Pinkie Pie packed a pint of."

Peridot found herself nodding so hard she almost dislodged her visor.

Spoons and bowls were assembled in a hurry and gathered downstairs to try it. No powers were unlocked, big nor small, but everyone agreed it was delicious.

---

The folksy opening song to Gilmore Girls competed with the rustle of leaves and water sounds.

Jasper was stretched out on what would be for any other person a comically oversized and heavily built lounge chair. Reclined, bathed in sunlight filtered through a thick canopy overhead, the large gem finished off the contents from a cocktail glass and watched a TV set up nearby.

While the larger Lorelai fretted about the monthly visit with a Diamond-human the smaller Lorelai called "grandmother", Jasper extended her arm and waggled her empty glass.

A bramble seized the drink in its tendrils, then shuffled over to the fountain of the large, weeping woman that had animated it so many millennia ago.

It filled the glass from the fountain, then handed it back to the recumbent Quartz.

Jasper took a sip then reached down and handed the rose-labeled vial to the walking bush. "Here, fill this up too."

The Peridot-human called "Kirk" did something amusing, causing the warrior to chuckle. Raising her glass up slightly, Jasper made a toast to the figure on the fountain. "You may have been a traitor most foul, but you sure had great taste in decor. Maybe someday I'll even show the others your pad."

The bramble soldier handed Jasper the vial of 'irreplaceable Rebellion-era curative', who pocketed it and took another sip.

"Naaaw"

---

It was late at night. Steven had left hours ago and Connie was fast asleep. Lapis was off amusing herself somehow and Jasper was still on patrol.

Peridot, deep within her room in the temple, took one last look at the dozens of holograms as well as the trio of blackboards she had arranged, all covered with the notes and equations from one of the first projects she'd started since coming to Earth.

Taking one last glance at the weapon summoning diagram, the very same she'd shown Connie the day the girl had first summoned her weapon, Peridot turned to the dishes assembled around her and began speaking for the benefit of the audio log she was recording.

"For trial one I will sample a measured quantity of limes, some sliced and others suspended in a concoction known colloquially as 'sorbet'. Trials two, three, and four will be spinach, guacamole, and green bell peppers, respectively..."

Chapter 17: Love Me Like You Do

Chapter by BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Lapis' sleep is troubled and she turns to Peridot for help.

Notes:

This omake is written by MJStudioArts and is based on the Connie Swap Week Two Omake prompt.

Peridot was busy in her room working on a most time-consuming project: fixing the host of problems that continually cropped up in her limb enhancers. She heard the familiar fluttering sound of wings behind her and didn't need to turn around to know there would be a blue gem staring back at her.

For a while longer Peridot remained focused on her task and her visitor remained quiet. Then blue arms wrapped around her waist and a head rested on her shoulder; Peridot clenched her teeth and tsked as the interruption caused her soldering to be slightly off the mark.

"Mmm?" the Blue gem hummed, her eyes closed as she nuzzled into the crook of Peridot's neck tiredly.

"I'm working, Lapis..."

"Mmm..." she hummed again, pressing her nose to the other's neck and taking a deep breath.

Peridot dropped her tools, ducked away from the gem, and swiveled around to face her. "Lapis, I am in the middle of something important and I don't have time fo-"

The words died on her lips as she took in Lapis' appearance. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes were tired, and she was leaning on Peridot's workbench to stay upright. If Peridot knew Lapis (and she did), she knew what that meant.

Lapis sighed and brought one hand to her chin, her other resting on her hip. "Hey Periwinkle..." Lapis said, smiling tiredly.

Peridot didn't respond, instead pushing up her visor and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Do you- I keep... you know..." slurred Lapis, shaking her head as she tried and failed to capture the desired words. "I'm having those dreams again and... can I just-"

Peridot spared her the effort, saying, "I'll get the hammock set up." She turned away, crossing several small bridges over scented lava rivers.

Lapis could only smile slightly, thankful to have Peridot.

It took the technician only a little time, by which Lapis had made her way over. The Blue gem smiled happily, grasped Peridot by her waist, then with a flick of her wings deposited the both of them into the hammock.

Peridot made a small, surprised gasp that turned into a huff by the time they'd landed. "Lapis, I set this up for you. I am still in the process of making modifications to my limb enhancers and-" but she trailed off when Lapis laid down, pulling Peridot with her and cuddling the Green gem like a teddy bear.

"Please, P? You know how you help me sleep... Just this time?" she asked, resting her head on the other's chest and looking up at her with heavy, pleading eyes.

Peridot's cheeks grew dark. Then, with a sigh, she wordlessly gave in, gently petting Lapis' hair.

Lapis' eyes shifted from 'sleepy' to 'bedroom' and she licked her lips. She attempted to snuggle her way up to face level with Peridot, saying, "While we're here..."

A hand-equivalent on Lapis' shoulder stopped her. "Lapis, you're not thinking straight. Go to sleep."

Lapis offered no protest to being rebuked, instead settling in just under Peridot's chin. "P... Can you promise me something?" the sleep-drunk gem asked already on the edge of slumber as her eyes fell shut.

"Hmm?" Peridot replied, looking down at her hammock-mate.

"Always... uh," started Lapis, chuckling softly as she nuzzled Peridot, her sleep-addled mind gathering her thoughts as best it could. "Always love me like you do... Please?"

Peridot was at a loss for words, her fingers stopped in their soft scratching motion. A beat later she resumed, hearing the soft snores from the Blue gem, and she whispered in reply, "I promise."

Chapter 18: Story of a Sidekick

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing

Summary:

The story of Timeline #2's Steven and his progression from friend to sidekick to something both more and less.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. Connie and The Connie was a big deal, both in terms of story impact as well as the amount of planning it represented the payoff to. While I was overall quite happy with how it turned out, in the week following the release of the episode's second and third chapters I came to feel that the story surrounding RetConnie's Steven was... incomplete. Plus, doing little plot teases and foreshadows through defunct timelines is just plain fun!

This omake is 100% canonical... with the provision that it's depicting the backstory to a character from a created timeline that was then erased when said timeline collapsed. Despite that, there are commonalities between Timeline #2 and the timeline that persisted; basically, anything that didn't hinge on the difference between one timeline's Connie and another is the same. If you read this carefully there are new teases and insights to be gleaned that are relevant to the characters that survived the timeline weirdness. That also means, for example, that the Steven in the main timeline DID receive the letter depicted in this omake.

Speaking of, Neimaat and several other details from this omake are borrowed from the exceptional fic Self by the delightful citrusella. This omake is effectively canonizing most of the contents of that omake's 2nd chapter. It's quite good and is worth reading above and beyond how it contributes to this omake here.

The girl in the overalls went flying backwards away from the drink counter.

Aside from being confused and worried by events, there was a corner of Steven that couldn't help but be intrigued. Whoa, he thought, Is she wearing those wheel shoes? I've always wanted those. Or maybe she's got those tiny wires they use in kung fu movies. Is she a street performer? Are you still a street performer if you perform inside a building? Building performer just doesn't sound right. How-

The girl was zipping towards the entrance when a big, vertical yellow window thing appeared beside her. Grabbing the edge of the window thing, the girl hung horizontally midair.

Wow! She's like a reverse-mime! Instead of wearing face paint and making invisible boxes, she's wearing invisible makeup and making see-able boxes. This is way better than that donut shop in Topeka that had that living statue guy hanging out outside.

With a determined look on her face, the girl released one arm, struggling to keep her grip on the visible part of her invisible box. With her free hand she reached into one of the back pockets of her overalls, pulled something reflective out, and then promptly dropped to the floor like someone had cut her kung fu wires.

Running over, Steven helped the girl to her feet, asking if she was alright. She said something indistinct (Oh shoot, are my ears off again?), then seemed to take stock of her surroundings, said something else, then sprinted out the door. She ran swiftly down the beach away from the town.

For a moment Steven just stood there, watching the retreating figure. Then he fiddled with his ears; sound returned in a rush and he caught the tail end of a dry chuckle from Lars.

“Did I miss something?” he asked, turning towards the two clerks. Sadie gave the boy a slow shake of her head.

“Yeah, you kind of missed a lot, Steven.”

A few seconds later, the side of the visible-invisible box became invisible-invisible.

---

Steven was panting from both the run trying to escape the docks and then the frantic run back across the docks after the giant worm monster smashed into splinters the route to shore.

Connie turned away from the monster, her eyes wide with some sort of realization. She looked to be shouting something to Steven but the only sounds of his world were the static of his one hearing aid and the pounding of his blood rushing in his ears.

“What? Connie, what’s happening? What do I do?!” he cried, panic coursing through him as he fiddled in vain at his malfunctioning hearing aid.

Connie grew calm all of the sudden. She took a deep breath, made a quick survey of her surroundings, then she reached up and wiggled Steven's nose.

"I’ll be okay?” he said quietly, translating the gesture.

Connie nodded, turned to face the monster, and took a few steps forward, putting herself between it and Steven.

Stretching her arm out, Connie grasped the air and... was holding a sword. It shone a soft yellow light and there were faint shimmers of electricity up and down the length of the blade.

With a roar Steven felt even as he was unable to hear it, the worm surged forward. Connie turned sideways, rearing back like a pitcher on the mound, then lunged forward while sending the sword rocketing ahead.

There was a flash, a tangible wave of sound, and a surge of static in one ear.

Steven lowered the hand that had been sheltering his eyes. Blinking away the spots, he saw Connie picking herself up off the ground (having thrown herself off balance hurling her sword) and he noticed a red, five-sided gemstone rolling slightly on the dock where the monster had been a moment ago.

Whoooaaa!, thought the corner of Steven that wasn't frozen in awe or lingering panic. Did Connie just level up? Am I part of someone's origin story? Is that red diamond thing the loot drop?

Connie raised her arms in triumph and gave what Steven assumed was a cry of victory. Before he realized he was doing it, Steven had run over and joined her with his own shout of exultation.

"YOU WERE INCREDIBLE!" // "THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!" shouted Steven and Connie.

The pair had an impromptu victory jig. The celebration didn't stop until Onion came into view and began poking the gemstone with his machete.

---

Connie met Steven at the fry shop and she was in an even better mood than usual.

"Yesterday was the best birthday ever!" she exclaimed.

"What?! It was your birthday?" cried Steven as he gathered their order. "I didn't get you anything. Hold on..." and he rummaged through his pockets. "Um, here's $8.27, five Fun Land Arcade tokens, and a card dad gave me that's good for unlimited free car washes."

Connie laughed, waving away everything except the card, which she examined. "Steven, I don't even have a car, unless you count my bike. Besides this is a family discount card."

"Well, you're a friend of the family. And, I mean, someday a crazy monster will probably try and eat dad's car wash and you'll totally obliterate it and then you'll be given the hero discount. This just skips ahead," defended Steven.

Connie rolled her eyes and laughed again. "Fine, we'll share it." Then, shouldering her pack, the pair walked to their spot on the beach just off the boardwalk.

Between bites of the bits Steven asked, "First, happy late birthday. And second, what made it the best ever?"

Connie thanked him while still chewing, then rummaged through her backpack. She swallowed as she was pulling out a little metal hubcap thingy with straps on it. "This is my mom's shield. Peridot fixed it up recently and yesterday I used it to fight these little monsters that were angry that their big monster had been poofed by Jasper earlier."

Steven prodded the shield. "That's cool and all but... wasn't your mom tall like Jasper? How'd she use this little thing to-"

There was a flash of yellow and suddenly a circular force field extended out from the metallic center, shielding a grinning Connie completely.

Over the next couple of minutes Steven oohed and aahed over the heirloom armament, trying it on himself and marveling at how cool and lightweight it was.

"You know what the other awesome thing about yesterday was?" Connie asked while Steven confirmed that, yep, this force field tasted the same as the normal ones Connie could summon.

"Wuh?" he asked, wiping his mouth while she giggled.

Suddenly Connie was all sparkly and... see-through? Thinking it was something to do with the force field he was looking through, he turned the item aside and... nope, there was Connie and behind her was the sun reflecting off the ocean.

Connie's expression went from one of smug satisfaction to confusion to something else. She returned to her normal not-see-through self, her expression… contemplative.

"That was really cool! What was that?" thrilled Steven.

Connie was quiet for a while, thinking. Steven fidgeted nervously.

"Steven?" she asked eventually. "Would... you like to be my sidekick?"

Steven blinked in surprise. He looked at Connie: the sea breeze blowing her hair, her stance confident, her muscles looking toned from the heightened training regimen she'd been pursuing. The sun was reflecting off the waves behind her and sparkling in the gemstone peeking out of her shirt.

Steven kicked the sand nervously, the shield still engaged and strapped to his side. "I mean, that would be amazing but... What can I do for you?"

That made Connie split into a wide smile that Steven couldn't help but return. "I'll have a talk with Jasper tonight. Come by tomorrow morning and train with me; I think you can do plenty."

The shield was disengaged and the pair, seated in the sand once more, resumed their snacking. Steven, riding the emotional high, was content until he realized he still had an unanswered question. "Hey Connie?" he asked.

Connie had been alternately staring off in thought and sneaking side glances at Steven. "Hmm?"

"What's that sparkly power of yours do?"

"Oh, I'm calling it 'people watching.' It's weird but really neat."

Steven nodded. Connie's powers were sometimes hard for her to describe, as the page-after-page of scrawlings in the power diary implied. "Well, what did you see when you, uh, watched me?"

Connie smiled widely, momentarily twinkling in the sunlight, or was the sunlight twinkling in her? "Something impressive," she said, opaque once more.

---

The first day of his training had been the hardest day of Steven's life. The second day of his training had ALSO been the hardest of Steven's life, topping the first handily. It was now the fifth day of his training and Steven looked back on days one through four wistfully.

Or rather, he would have if he weren't too busy screaming and running for his life.

Admittedly, the monstrous coelacanth that Jasper had unbubbled and allowed to reform for this practice was slow and clumsy on land. Despite its determination to pursue Connie and him, Steven could have jogged or even walked for his life and outpaced it.

"Steven!" cried Connie as the boy was alternately panting and cowering behind a fragment of the temple that was lodged in the sand. The gem monster heaved forward, menacing the boy anew a full eighteen inches closer.

Yup, he thought, the fifth day is definitely topping the fourth.

Connie reached Steven, her sword in hand and crackling with power. "Steven, it's okay. This is like facing Peridot's training surrogates just..."

"Scarier?" ventured Steven, huddling behind his shield.

The coelacanth lunged forward, gaining a full three feet of ground in the process.

"Maybe," hedged Connie, her face skeptical. "My point is, you can trust me Steven. Trust me and the gems. We're a team and we fight together and we protect one another." She reached forward and laced the fingers of her free hand through Steven's, then gave him an affirming squeeze.

Steven looked up at Connie's confident smile, bravery and compassion in her eyes. I... I can do this, he thought. For her. I just have to-

A roar that was really more of an angry wheeze sent Steven back to cowering. Nope! Nope! All the nopes! I'm a terrible sidekick. At best I'm the comic relief. I am sub-Scrappy Doo level! If she ever gets a wisecracking animal companion, the only thing she'll need me for is taking Snarf out for walks when she's busy saving the world.

Steven noticed sparkling in his peripheral vision as well as the sensation of Connie's fingers vanishing from his grip. He managed a tremulous glance over and saw her transparent face drawn into a concerned frown.

When the sparkling stopped, Steven heard her say in an uncharacteristically hesitant voice, "Steven... I, I think I can help you feel less scared."

There was another noise of primordial fury (or soggy vexation, depending on your perspective) that caused Steven to curl up further, tears forming in the edges of his eyes from clenching them tightly shut. "I'm really sorry but I don't think a pep talk is going to help."

"I'm... not talking about encouraging you, Steven. I think I can use my magic to make you not feel so afraid," she said softly.

Steven blinked away the moisture and stared up at the superhero holding a magical sword that was asking if she could help him, him, be a part of her destiny.

"Yeah. That sounds good," he said before an asthmatic bellowing a mere twenty feet away made Steven flinch and close his eyes anew. "Really good! It turns out fear is scary. I'm fine with it being... not."

Seconds passed; how many, Steven couldn't say. Then anticipation, or perhaps the first hint of boredom, caused the boy to open his eyes.

Connie was giving him a searching look; she seemed concerned.

Peeking over his rocky hiding spot, Steven saw... a weird-colored fish the size of a riding lawnmower giving him a constipated look. It wriggled incrementally forward.

"Huh..." he said, cocking his head in confusion.

Turning to Connie and jabbing his thumb in the direction of the 'monster', Steven asked, "Hey Connie, did you or Jasper replace the big, scary doom-fish with a cheesy parade float or something?"

Connie raised an eyebrow. "No. That's the same gem beast Jasper unbubbled earlier."

"Huh," said Steven a second time. He walked over to within about three feet of the creature. It thrashed at his approach, flopping accidentally on its side and somehow managing to slide backwards in the process.

Steven picked up a nearby length of driftwood and poked it while it tried unsuccessfully to right itself.

He turned back to Connie. "Wow," he said as she walked his way, "I never knew I was such a scaredy-cat."

"So you're okay?" she asked, stopping only a few feet back.

He rubbed the back of his neck and gave a chagrined smile. "Fine and dandy. A little embarrassed though. Hey, I don't suppose you can make that go away too?" he quipped before flashing her his thousand watt grin.

She took his free hand in her own, rolling her eyes but returning the smile. "I think you'll just have to live with it."

A fin flailed at Steven's ankle, delivering piscine wrath about on par with being popped by a rubber band. Steven propped his foot up on the creature, holding it at bay.

"Hey Connie, do you think you could..."

"Huh?" She asked, having been staring at his face in profile. "Oh right."

She made a small jab with her sword, there was a puff of smoke, and then there was the sound of a gemstone landing in the sand with a muted thump.

The fifth day of training was the best day of training yet.

---

Steven opened his eyes and saw the hard stone floor inches from his face. It was decorated with tessellated triangles and was all green for some reason.

Jostling him inside the tractor beam field was a groaning Connie.

Lapis landed lightly nearby, bending over so that her face, upside, was peering at him. She gave an impressed whistle. "Good catch, P-dot! Two more inches and we'd be picking them up with a spatula."

Overhead, above the sound of helicopter-noises, came a shrill voice of concern. "Can I disable my zero point energy field safely or not?"

Lapis straightened up and shouted, "Sure, go ahead." A beat later she added in an uncharacteristically serious tone, "You should get a good look at Connie too. Girly took a couple of licks on the way down."

The green disappeared.

"Oof!" said Steven as he dropped a few inches to the floor and Connie dropped a few inches onto him.

Lapis helped disentangle the two, propping Connie up against a wall. Peridot landed and ran a battery of scans, muttering in poorly-contained panic throughout.

Steven was rooted to his spot: by anxiety, concern, and embarrassment if not by fear.

Then Lapis sat down next to him, placing a cool hand on his shoulder. "Hey Pinky, speaking as the resident goof, don't sweat it. Peridot will clean up this mess... It's what she does," she said, her voice a mix of melancholy and admiration at the end.

I'm still feeling shame and sadness too, thought Steven as his mental inventory took stock.

"Connie told me not to touch that floaty pyramid thing; I should have listened to her. And when everything was going all flippy, I panicked. She told me to jump left, I jumped right, she tried to grab me from the edge of her force field and I just pulled her down with me. And now..." he sniffled (yup, definitely got plenty of shame and worry 'round here), "she's hurt. My ears aren't that good but even I heard that hit she took."

Lapis tried and failed to hide her own concerns but, in a practiced maneuver, she managed a pretty good on-the-spot evasion instead. "You worked your tuchas off during training; no one's questioning your commitment, Stevedore. Besides," she said with an impish smile, "this just means she'll have some boo-boos for you to kiss and make better."

She snickered while Steven flushed to the roots of his hair, but she did sneak another peek at Peridot's triage while he was distracted.

---

The mattress they were sitting on together creaked slightly when Connie stopped sparkling. "I can reinforce certain things but this is complicated. Way more complicated than what I'm doing for the gems."

Despite Connie mending well, Steven was still the very picture of guilt. "I'm a crumby sidekick, Connie. I'm such a crumby sidekick that even your destiny powers can't fix me. I'm..." he looked up at her, "I'm sorry. You deserve better."

"No! Steven... You're being too harsh on yourself," she said quickly. "Besides," and she took his hands in hers, "I don't want someone else. You're... impressive, Steven.”

Patting his hand gently, Connie looked down. She seemed… vulnerable, Steven realized with a start. She was always such a pillar of self-assurance --even the gems turned to her for advice sometimes and they were, like, super old-- that looking at her like this was like seeing her anew.

She spoke, her face still downcast, “You should know that I haven’t always been this strong or capable. I used to be weak. Powerless. I was a scared little girl afraid that her destiny was something too great for her to bear.”

She looked up and over Steven’s shoulder. The boy craned his neck around to see her staring at the large portrait of her mother that hung over the entryway. “It took time for me to find the way to be strong like her. Confident.”

She brought a hand up and ran it along her arm, the corners of her mouth curling into a frown as she looked at her toned flesh. “I had to find ways to overcome my limits and be-” she brought her hand up to the stone set in her chest, “-something better.”

She then reached out and cupped Steven’s cheek, looking at him directly once more. Her eyes were sympathetic, but her posture was resolved. “We just need to help you overcome your limits too. I'll take another look; there must be something we can leverage."

Steven tried to muster a smile up at her. "You're so smart, Connie. I'll do whatever you say."

Connie started to nod when she froze, eyes widening. Without word she folded her hands in her lap and went sparkly for a few minutes, her eyes moving as she looked at something only she could see. The mattress creaked again as the depression she was sitting in slowly leveled with the surrounding material.

When she was opaque once more she took his hands and gave them a squeeze. "Steven, I have an idea."

---

The pair snuck back to find Lapis dancing with Jasper; even the latter was smiling broadly. Meanwhile Peridot was talking animatedly with Greg as both were hunched over a mixing board, fiddling with dials and cables.

Mary was standing by her husband's side, sipping a drink and adding to the conversation occasionally. But mainly she was staying in easy reach of the fire extinguisher at her feet.

There was a patch of grass a few yards away that was conspicuous in being both blackened in places and powdery white.

Steven's head was still spinning from earlier. A first kiss would have been plenty but then, when they’d danced...

Connie squeezed Steven's hand. Steven smiled and squeezed hers back. Hand-in-hand the pair rejoined the party. When the fireworks display started, neither spent much time looking up.

---

"~Jasper, Peridot, and Lapis... AND CONNIE!~" sang Steven, strumming his ukulele, his brow furrowed in concentration.

He looked up to see Connie clapping excitedly from the couch. "That was great! I told you you could do it, you were just too insecure before. Come here, you," she said patting the cushion beside her.

Without conscious effort, Steven set the instrument aside and crossed the living room of his house to sit on the couch next to his girlfriend. The motions may not have been his, but the grin was, as was the thrill he got every time he thought that phrase.

Connie was his girlfriend.

The two canoodled on the couch until they heard the front door of the house/music shop being opened.

The pair separated in a rush.

Dad walked in stomping his feet from the cold, mail held in a gloved hand. "Hey kids," he said happily. "Is Starlight home?"

Steven cleared his throat. "Mom had to run an errand. Um, you're home early, dad. Are things slow at the carwash?"

Dad, doffing his winter attire, rolled his eyes. "Turns out no one wants to get their car washed when it's freezing outside. Crazy, I know. Anyway, I figured I can play solitaire just as well from the house as I can from the wash, so I packed up early. I ran into Barb doing her rounds --that woman is unstoppable, by the way-- and it's all momma-mail."

"Momma-mail?" asked Connie.

Steven chuckled. "He means bills. Mom handles the money."

"It's a good thing too," said dad, walking their way. "If it weren't for her, I'd probably be living in my van. Anyway, there was one thing not destined for Mary's office; here ya go, kiddo," he added, handing Steven an envelope.

Tearing it open Steven found a handwritten letter and a picture which fell into his lap. Picking it up he saw a light-brown girl smiling up at him, a trumpet folded across her lap. She had the telltale signs of a cochlear implant visible at one ear and a hearing aid in the other.

"Oh, cool! It's a letter from Neimaat," he exclaimed as he began to skim the letter.

An unusual tone entered Connie's voice as she asked, "Who's Neimaat?"

Dad chuckled and answered. "She and Steven went to school together a few years ago, back when we were living near Wilmingmore... well, as much as we lived anywhere, with the tour bus and all. Those two used to be thick as thieves."

"She wants to know if I've ridden a monster yet. She also says she's going to a performance by Beethoven's Nightmare in a couple months." Turning to Connie he added, "They're a band entirely of deaf musicians. Anyway, she says she can get a couple of extra tickets if we want to come."

Connie shifted position, draping her legs over his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck and shoulders. "That's around the time Peridot was saying the boiling lava lake should have receded. Plus, there's the Quartz pack and revisiting the Lunar Sea Spire to make sure the Vortex is functioning properly."

Steven tried to rub the back of his neck but found Connie's arm was there already. He settled for rubbing his arm. "Oh, okay. Well, I can tell her I'm busy. I mean, that stuff is all super important."

Connie nodded at Steven’s sensible statement.

Greg took in the sight of Connie laid possessively over Steven and managed to intercept the knowing look and shake of his head he almost made. However, a chuckle of sympathy for his son tickled the back of his throat; he had to play it off as a cough.

"Whatever you say, shtu-ball. Just don't ask me to lick the stamp for your reply; those things are the worst. Anyway, I'm off to deliver these to Starlight's desk," and he shook his handful of 'mamma-mail'. "If I'm not back in an hour, tell my wife I loved her... and that I'll see her after my nap."

He chuckled (openly this time) and wandered off into the recesses of the house.

"'Thick as thieves,' eh?" asked Connie pointedly, a single eyebrow raised.

Oh boy, thought Steven.

---

Connie pulled away leaving Steven confused. "What's wrong?" he asked, panting slightly.

"There was a noise out on the porch. Go check it out," said Connie.

Gingerly stepping off of Connie's bed, he proceeded down the stairs of the loft.

Steven opened the door of the Beach House and looked around. His collar was askew and his cheeks were a little flushed. He fiddled with his hearing aid, shrugged, and closed the door.

"No one was there," he called up. "Maybe it was a seagull or something."

Connie nodded. She really does look good in yellow, Steven thought, seeing the long-sleeved shirt with the exposed midriff she was wearing for today.

Smiling down at him, Connie sparkled for a moment, before returning to normal with a smile. "Oh you," she said affectionately. "Come on back."

He headed up the steps automatically but eagerly.

Two minutes later there was a knock at the door.

"I don't think that was a seagull," said Connie.

"I'll answer it. Is my collar straight?"

"Yeah, but your hair is kind of mussed. Hang on," and she fluffed up her beau's brown curls.

For the second time, the sidekick went down the stairs and opened the door.

"Oh, hi Connie," said Steven.

Chapter 19: The Quest for the Specially Marked Box

Chapter by BurdenKing, Cyberwraith9

Summary:

A shopping trip with Peridot quickly becomes an endurance trial for Connie, until the pair encounter a despicable foe intent on keeping them both from their heart’s desire: for Peridot, a treasure she thought she lost long ago, and for Connie, getting her afternoon back.

Notes:

This omake was written by Cyberwraith9, and while it isn't currently canon, there's very little here that conflicts and so we reserve the right to canonize it at some later point in time. Also, it's really freaking funny.

BR42 also wanted to add that Cyberwraith9 has an ongoing fic called The Stranger in Me that they emphatically recommend. The short version is that Steven and Connie are ambushed by a corrupted gem and, one or two unexpected turns later, Connie saves the day but ends up with the gem embedded in her. It's a fic that does an excellent job examining some heavy, impactful subjects while buoying things with wonderful, witty humor and a fast pace. It's a fic that BR42 recommended to the team and anyone else that'd listen to them, and the chapter where Connie and Doug had a father-daughter brunch together was assigned to us as reading homework before we started work on Daddy's Little Girl.

If waiting until Wednesday for the next chapter of Connie Swap is proving difficult, tune in to The Stranger in Me, which updates every Monday, to help make the week pass a little more quickly.

Connie squirmed, trying to keep the circulation in her legs while her seat in the shopping cart pinched her from all sides. The tiny seat was uncomfortable, but the humiliation of being pushed up and down the aisles of the gigantic Buy n Large superstore was a hundred times worse. “Peridot, don’t you think this is a little silly?” she said plaintively.

With her enhancers’ hands resting on the push bar of the cart, Peridot’s face loomed uncomfortably close to Connie’s as the Gem drove the cart down an aisle featuring only paper towel rolls sold in enormous shrink-wrapped blocks. The shelves around their cart were thirty feet tall, or taller, each one carrying enough product to clean a lifetime of spills and messes.

Looking around them, Peridot grimaced and admitted, “The sheer size of this retailer is somewhat gauche. But maintaining our household requires sundries that I cannot easily manufacture since the others forced me to dismantle my automated paper mill for the sake of olfactory decency. And the bulk values offered by this location allow me to maximize the stipend provided by your father.”

Though she knew all of that perfectly well, Connie waited patiently until Peridot had finished. Interrupting was rude, and it risked Peridot starting over, or worse, elaborating. “I understand that, ma’am. But why do I have to be here in—”

“I told you,” Peridot said too quickly, turning away to summon a hologram of her shopping list from her arm’s enhancer. “I require your assistance with the shopping. The commander of this location no longer allows me to use my robonoids in-store. He is under the impression that seeing ‘inhuman, soulless mechanisms shuffling from aisle to aisle dumping product into their cart’ makes other customers too existentially reflective of their own shopping experience. My offer to draw faces on the robonoids to anthropomorphize them was not warmly received.”

“Okay,” Connie drawled, shaking off the odd mental image. “But why do I have to sit in the cart? I barely fit in here.”

Scoffing, Peridot glanced back and said, “Nonsense. There appears to be adequate volume in the passenger carriage to accommodate your form. Besides, that seat affords you the best vantage point and highest level of safety available. If you were to walk around unattended, you might become lost or possibly struck by another shopper’s cart.” She stared fondly through her floating hologrammatic list, and added, “You assisted me from many seats such as that one on past shopping excursions.”

Connie shifted from side to side, fighting against the tingle that was starting to climb down her thighs. “I’m pretty sure I was a lot smaller back then,” she grunted.

Peridot shook herself out of her reverie, then dismissed her list. She hoisted a thirty-six count pack of paper towels off the shelf and wedged it into the cart’s basket. “Yes, your physical development will prove to be a great asset. Your arms can reach higher shelves now, and your reading comprehension means you will now understand product labels.”

“Peridot, my legs are falling asleep,” Connie complained.

Sighing, Peridot wrapped her hands around Connie’s waist and helped her down without tipping over the cart. “Very well. But please remain close. It may not appear so, but in many ways the Buy n Large is as dangerous as any other mission you have undertaken.”

Connie looked up at the echoing sound of a clerk asking over the PA system for a price check on canned peaches. “Like those shopping carts that want to run me down?” she asked dryly.

“To say the least!” Peridot exclaimed. She guided the cart into the next aisle, careful to always keep Connie in her periphery. “Do you know how many toxic substances are present in the cleaning supply aisle alone? Ingesting any single bottle could prove fatal.”

“I’m not going to drink bottles of cleaner!” protested Connie.

“Certainly not while I’m around,” Peridot agreed.

Sighing, Connie checked her phone again. Before Peridot had recruited her for their shopping trip—which necessitated a trip through the warp pad and a long walk to the store, and an almost equally long walk across the store’s sprawling parking lot—Connie had been hoping to meet Steven at the boardwalk to share a paper basket of fry bits with her. But that lazy afternoon of snacking and watching off-season tourists dwindled a little more with every new aisle in the seemingly endless Buy n Large.

Stopping at the end of an aisle, Peridot compared her list to the large placards hanging overhead that listed the aisles’ available products. “I neglected to ask before our departure: do you still employ bubble bath additives in your ablutions? I seem to recall you delighting in the tactile sensation it added to your bath time.”

Embarrassment burned in Connie’s cheeks. She stuffed her phone back into her overall pocket and muttered, “Maybe when I was little.”

“I have seen many advertisements and programs featuring adults enjoying bubble baths,” Peridot insisted. “Even Lapis enjoys it occasionally. Well, once. Actually, it was more of a prank. But it did leave Mayor Dewey’s swimming pool looking cleaner.”

Sighing again, Connie trailed after Peridot, glancing listlessly down each aisle they passed. An endless tessellation of aisles stretched ahead of them, as though she were looking into the world’s worst infinity mirror. “Ma’am, I don’t need bubble bath, and I don’t need to sit in the cart to keep myself safe. If my disaster of a birthday proved anything, it’s that I’m not a little kid anymore, and I don’t—Oh my gosh, it’s PUMPKIN PETE!”

Connie’s shout plowed over her own argument as she bolted down an aisle of colorful cereal boxes. Peridot swung the cart around to chase her, and yelped, “Connie, maintain proximity! Maintain proximity!”

Connie grinned up at the shelves of cereal boxes, a veritable wall of gold-orange, with the picture of a white rabbit face grinning back at her by the dozens. As it always did, each box of Pumpkin Pete’s Marshmallow Flakes featured a minor celebrity in the corner. This month the picture was of some redheaded cosplayer in brown and gold armor, but that mattered little. The smiling mascot and his product had both weathered time without change.

As Peridot caught up, Connie snatched one of the boxes off the shelf and showed it to the Gem. “Peridot, look! I haven’t seen this stuff in forever. The local supermarket stopped carrying it years ago.”

Her eyes narrowing, Peridot took the box from Connie to examine it as though it were a venomous snake. “Ah, yes. The rabbit. I seem to recall your affinity for this sucrose-peddling lagomorph. Wasn’t there some ritualistic chant its worshippers invoked as part of its advertisements?”

The commercial jingle came back to Connie in an instant. “He’s soft and fuzzy and sugary-sweet!” she sang. “Let’s hop to the meadow with Pumpkin Pete!” Then, remembering where she was, she looked around to make sure nobody else in the store had caught her singing.

“That’s the one,” Peridot said disdainfully. “Thank the stars I’ve had the good sense to never actually feed you anything so determined to give you diabetes.”

It was technically true. Pumpkin Pete was the first cartoon character Connie could remember liking, which said more about the company’s advertising than its actual product, but Peridot had never given in to her pleas to try the cereal. Her father, on the other hand, had been a softer touch, and had secreted several single-serving travel boxes to her on previous visits. The marshmallow flakes were every bit as sweet as their name promised, and more.

“But they’re really good! Or so I’m told,” Connie said.

“Our own gardens and Lapis’s fishing contributions are quite sufficient to nourish you. We’re here for bulk sundries, not corn syrup pressed into arbitrary shapes,” Peridot said. Glancing behind her, she saw a different row of boxes with green slogans about being organic and protein-rich. Taking up one of the other boxes, she said, “Besides, if we were going to supplement your diet, we would do so with something engineered for maximum nutritional efficiency, like…”

As Peridot trailed off, they both found themselves staring at the cereal box. Its mascot was a sculpted, bulging male bodybuilder who wore only black bicycle shorts and an unsettlingly realistic horse mask. Connie read the name on the box aloud to make sure Peridot was seeing the same thing as she was. “¡Soy Delicioso! Is this food?”

Turning the box over, Peridot read the back. “Perhaps? It says it contains ‘nutramites.’ Is that good?” She found the front of the box again, her eyes narrowing upon the mascot. “What are you, horse-man?” she hissed.

The box answered her with silence and a dead-eyed stare.

Seeing Peridot distracted, Connie backed slowly toward the opposite shelves and gently lifted a box of Pumpkin Pete’s Marshmallow Flakes toward the cart. Once they were in the checkout line, Connie would pay for the box with her own money, thus skipping the nutritional lesson. It was, after all, her nutrition and her money.

But the instant the box dropped into the cart, Peridot’s limb enhancer blared with a klaxon. Its fingers flew off and caught the box before it could land. In one smooth motion, the disembodied fingers pushed the cereal box back up and into place on the shelf, then snapped back to their enhancer, which flashed a new hologram above Peridot’s arm:

FINAL SCORE: 10

HIGH SCORE: 360 CCM

Peridot chuckled as she dismissed the hologram. “You’re a bit out of practice, Connie. You used to reach a triple-digit score quite easily.”

“What just happened?” Connie said, staring at the re-shelved box.

“When I used to take you shopping with me, back when there was no one else to…well…” Peridot’s smile faltered briefly before she continued, “You would grab everything within reach and deposit it into our cart while my back was turned. Eventually I developed an application to restock your whimsical acquisitions, and programmed it as a game so it would be fun for both of us.”

Fighting to smother the annoyance in her voice, Connie said, “But why was it running now? We haven’t gone shopping together in forever.”

Still chuckling, Peridot said, “That’s the especially bemusing aspect: the program has apparently been running continuously for almost twelve years.” Then she frowned and tapped her enhancer. “Perhaps there is a reason the processing power is always so overtaxed.”

Connie clenched her jaw, trying to reconcile her growing annoyance with concern for Peridot’s bizarre new fascination with nostalgia. Peridot had been and always would be overprotective, Connie knew, but they had both long since outgrown the need to protect Connie from mundane things like spontaneously drinking bleach in the cleaning aisle or dumping shelves’ worth of items into the cart.

Something else was going on, and as little as Connie wanted to confront the Gem about it directly, she knew it was the right thing to do. “Peridot,” she began uncertainly, “I—ouch!”

A cart knocked into Connie from behind, sending her stumbling into the cereal shelf. Connie fumbled to keep an entire row of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs from crashing to the floor, which she narrowly accomplished with both arms, her head, and a foot lifted shakily to the end of the row. Limbs trembling, Connie summoned a force field to hold the boxes in place so she could let her leg rest.

The woman pushing the cart at fault looked up from her cell phone to scowl, and put a hand to her hips. Her leopard print yoga pants rippled with the motion, and cherry red lips parted as she cracked her chewing gum. Her hair was peroxide blond, in contrast with her dark eyebrows, and a velour blouse clung to a frame that had obviously been sculpted by fad diets, personal trainers, and surgery. “Why don’t you watch where you’re going instead of being a little vandal?” she sneered. “Tossing boxes around. Shameful.”

From the first sound of Connie’s distress, Peridot forgot her limb enhancers and rushed to stand in front of the other cart. The woman’s nasally disapproval made the Gem frown. “Pardon me, madam,” she said in a measured tone, “but I believe your inattentiveness resulted in your collision with the young lady. It’s customary under these circumstances for the instigator to offer the injured party an apology.”

Upper lip curling, the woman snapped, “Typical. If there’s a little hooligan making trouble, there’s a lousy parent not three feet away making excuses instead of disciplining her kid like she should.”

Something dangerous sparked in Peridot’s eyes. “Excuse me?” she said.

Looking Peridot up and down, the woman said, “Maybe if you spent more time being a parent and less time cosplaying, your kid wouldn’t be running wild and getting in everyone’s way.” And with that, she grasped her cart and steered around the two, not caring to wait as Peridot sputtered in rage to find a reply.

Peridot hissed and shook, staring after the dwindling leopard print rounding the corner into the next aisle. The instant she was out of sight, Peridot exploded, “How dare you challenge my parenting acumen? I aided this child in becoming a functional adolescent without the help of millions of years’ worth of mammalian nurturing instinct coded into my biology! To say nothing of lacking the convenience of a built-in feeding system!” she added, and slapped her chest.

Horrified, Connie grabbed their cart and loudly exclaimed, “Peridot, what’s next on the list?” Her force field dissolved, letting a wave of boxes clatter to the floor. Between the mess and the one-sided shouting match about biology, Connie wanted nothing more than to be somewhere far away when their antics started drawing a crowd.

The Gem begrudgingly let her outrage cool and began leading the cart down the other direction. Her holographic list returned, most of its items struck through with lines. “Yes, quite right. I believe we’ve suffered enough distractions. Though I must point out that, if you had remained in the cart, we would be ahead of schedule now instead of behind schedule.”

“If only my legs didn’t need all that pesky blood,” Connie muttered.

Peridot cast a wry look back at the sarcasm, and then said, “I know my directives may appear excessive, even occasionally draconian, to an adolescent demi-human such as yourself. But as your caregiver, it is my responsibility to employ my superior capacity for reasoning, level-headedness, and maturity to—Oh my stars, it’s ABRAXO!”

Abandoning her cart, her young charge, and her level-headed maturity, Peridot rushed across the main aisle of the Buy n Large to stand before and endcap display on the opposite side. Four different shoppers had to swerve their own carts to avoid crashing into the frantic Gem, but Peridot never noticed them or their angry glares. She bounced excitedly in front of shelves marked with a cardboard cutout of a gold nine-pointed star, oblivious to everything else until Connie rushed after her with the overloaded cart.

“Peridot?” huffed Connie. “What is it?”

The green Gem gestured to the single, lonely box of product remaining on the endcap shelf. Another pointed star adorned the box front under the product’s name. “It’s Abraxo!” Peridot exclaimed. Deepening her tone, she emulated a commercial voiceover as she said, “Industrial cleaning power for everyday messes.”

Connie squinted at the box. “It’s a cleaner?”

“Only in the sense that the Great North might be considered mildly chilly. Abraxo was the strongest all-purpose cleaner available on the consumer market, capable of cleaning everything from kitchen messes to grease and oil stains on my workbench.”

“Was?” asked Connie.

Waving her hand, Peridot said dismissively, “It was recalled several years ago due to complaints of epidermal irritation. Ridiculous, really, seeing as how it largely eliminated any epidermal layers it happened to contact in moderate concentration.” Seeing the words added to the box’s bottom corner, Peridot exclaimed, “But now the formula is new and improved! Doubtless it cleans better than ever and barely melts any human skin at all!”

Connie briefly considered questioning Peridot’s loyalty to a product based solely on nostalgia and advertising, but then decided that she did not have a leg to stand on in that debate.

Twirling, Peridot swooned and tossed out her arms, her fingers floating wide. “Despite one or two minor setbacks, this has proven to be a marvelous day! I am spending time with my favorite humanoid, and now I’ve rediscovered a long-lost essential component of our home’s cleanliness.”

But when Peridot reached back for the last remaining box of Abraxo, her fingers passed through empty air. She spun around to find the shelf now completely empty. Faced once more with the prospect of a world without Abraxo, Peridot began frantically looking around for where her treasured box might have gone.

She didn’t have to look far. Standing across the endcap opposite the Gem, the familiar blonde in velour and leopard print dumped Peridot’s precious Abraxo into her own cart. She spared Peridot an irritated glance before pushing off, her attention returning to the text conversation on her phone.

Peridot watched the woman drift away with her prized cleaner. “But… But I was going to… My workbench is so greasy!” she wailed.

Biting back a sigh, Connie looked at their cart, and then to the crestfallen engineer. She knew they still had the back half of Peridot’s list to complete, and with no sugary marshmallow flakes waiting for her at the end, her patience couldn’t accommodate sympathy for the loss of some skin-melting cleaner. “Maybe we should just finish up,” she suggested, trying to sound encouraging. “I mean, that cleaner stuff wasn’t even on the list.”

Peridot’s eyes glimmered. The Gem blinked hard, then set her expression into one of resolve. Her floating fingers curled into a fist as she declared, “It is now.”

Connie’s heart sank as she watched her inner vision of sharing fry bits with Steven vanish into a new, terrible mission, one fraught with no peril and promising no glory.

---

Shelves packed with saltine cracker boxes served as their concealing underbrush as Peridot led Connie on reconnaissance of their leopard-spotted quarry. The aisle’s shelves shielded them from her notice, but not from the puzzled looks of every other shopper that happened to pass by them. Blissfully unaware of being stalked, the woman stood in front of a small table that a Buy n Large employee had assembled to offer free samples of cheese on crackers.

Holding a set of bright green binoculars to her round visor, Peridot grimaced at the sight of the woman berating the employee for something, her words made inaudible by the bustle of the store around them. The Gem watched through an empty space in the shelves, her eyes narrowing behind the binocular lenses. “The subject is distracted,” she muttered. “Now is the time to strike.”

Connie looked through her own green binoculars, having to peer through the boxes on a lower shelf. Her grimace was of a different variety than Peridot’s, having more to do with the odd looks they were garnering. “This feels wrong. And are the binoculars really necessary? She’s only about forty feet away,” said Connie.

“There are no shortcuts to success, Connie. Collecting intelligence may not be as exciting as punching your problems or hitting them with a tidal wave, but often it yields more precise, more desirable results,” Peridot insisted.

The binoculars floated out of Peridot’s and Connie’s hands and separated into halves. Each segment contracted back into a finger, and then the floating pieces joined the lone thumb on Peridot’s other enhancer to complete it again. She flexed the reassembled hand with a nod of satisfaction as she marched forward, her shoulders straight and jaw clenched.

“Bring the cart, Connie,” Peridot instructed.

Connie threw her weight against the cart’s push bar to catch up to the determined Gem. As they drew closer, the woman’s nasally voice became audible above the din of the store. “—on a gluten cleanse, and your little samples could have killed me! Do you even know if there’s gluten in these crackers?” she snapped.

The teenager standing behind the tiny folding table looked baffled. “Like I told you, miss, these are rice crackers,” he said.

“…and?” the woman demanded, crossing her arms. “You don’t even know, do you?”

Peridot cleared her throat, inadvertently rescuing the beleaguered Buy n Large employee as she drew the woman’s angry glare to her. “Pardon me, Miss…?”

The Gem’s questioning pause lingered for an uncomfortable length of time before, sourly, the woman replied, “Tyffini.”

“Excellent. Well, Miss Tiffany,” Peridot began.

“It’s ‘Tyffini,’” the woman said archly.

Peridot blinked, confused. “Isn’t that what I…? Never mind. Despite our previous verbal altercation, I recognize that you are a savvy shopper in your own right, and I commend you on your excellent taste in multi-purpose cleaning product.” Pausing again, Peridot watched the woman’s reaction, and the Gem’s smile gradually dimmed. “Perhaps you would also like to compliment me in a similar fashion, as social protocol encourages?”

Tyffini’s over-plucked eyebrows rose. Her lips puckered.

“Very well. Since we each encountered the Abraxo at roughly the same time, I posit that we both hold a viable claim to purchasing it. Ergo, I propose we engage in a debate to determine which of us has the greater need for the product and should therefore possess it to ensure that its superior cleaning power is used to maximum effect,” Peridot said.

Connie watched the proposition wash over Tyffini without effect. The employee behind the table, seeing that his confusion was being ignored, looked to Connie for answers. She could only shrug helplessly in reply.

The green Gem poised a hand on her chest and said, “I will present my case first, and then you will have a brief period of rebuttal. Then we reverse roles, and finally discuss the resultant discourse before mutually declaring the winner. My going first, of course, gives you the advantage of tailoring your own case in opposition of mine, but I have sufficient confidence in my argument that I feel comfortable in proceeding thusly.” She tossed a sidelong wink at Connie, who tilted her head in silent perplexity.

Then Peridot took a deep breath and began: “As you may no doubt surmise by my appearance, I do not possess what most Earthlings would consider to be a conventional lifestyle. For me, an average day’s activities may demand of me combat, exploratory analysis, housekeeping, beach-keeping, and myriad repairs of both mechanical and electrical equipment. Each of these activities is capable of necessitating an array of cleanups and, for the past several years, this has in turn required that I purchase a variety of cleaning products to deal with these messes. My household operates on a fixed income, and purchasing so many different cleaners taxes our budgetary constraints.

“Abraxo is capable of replacing all of those other cleaning products,” Peridot declared. Her gaze turned lovingly to Tyffini’s cart, where the box of cleaner lay buried under Hungry Mom frozen lean lunches. “As its previous advertisement campaigns asserted, it ‘cuts messes to the bone.’ And now that it’s back, having been previously recalled for coincidentally and chemically burning its consumers to the bone as well, I have the opportunity to improve the cleanliness and fiscal solvency of my entire household through the act of purchasing it.”

Her eyes glistening, Peridot continued in a thickening voice, “But I know humans place a high priority on pathos as well as logos. And so I put forth to you that Abraxo has made a deep and abiding impact on my time here on Earth. When my cohort Jasper returned from patrol covered in light leeches, and their removal spread a liquid photonic residue everywhere, Abraxo was there to clean away the physical reminder of their painful and humiliating memory. When my lo…er, longtime friend, Lapis, let an entire suspended pool of fish-laden seawater drop to the floor because she became distracted by something funny on television, Abraxo made the house finally stop smelling like tuna. And when Connie, who was but an infant, decided that she would rather wear than eat her spaghetti, Abraxo cleaned the floor, her high chair, and laundered her onesie while Johnson & Johnson cleaned the rest of her.”

With a motion from the green Gem, a hologram flashed above her upraised enhancer, displaying a still image of a small, chubby, squalling toddler covered in noodles and marinara. Connie felt her whole face burn with embarrassment while Peridot and the free samples employee cooed at her baby picture.

“To conclude,” Peridot said, dismissing the hologram, “Abraxo is a product that enriches the cleanliness and emotional well-being of my life.” She drew a deep, satisfied breath, and then gestured with open hands to the patiently silent Tyffini. “Thank you. You may now present your brief rebuttal.”

Tyffini’s lips flattened into a burgundy line. She glanced around, and her gaze came to rest on the samples table. Picking up two crackers, she primly mashed them into Peridot’s visor. The crackers’ generous dollops of Squeezee Cheezee glorped them to the round lenses, obscuring Peridot’s eyes. Then, nodding in satisfaction, Tyffini took her cart and pushed on, forcing Connie to sidestep or be a collision victim again.

Peridot stood silent for a long moment. “Connie,” she said, still motionless, “is she gone?”

“Um, yes, ma’am,” said Connie.

“Hmm.” Peridot rubbed her chin, a gesture that looked less than contemplative thanks to the cheesy crackers serving as her googly eyes. “A bold invocation of Finders v. Keepers. But I think she’ll soon find that, with possession being nine-tenths of the law, there is a large, Peridot-sized opportunity for contesting that ownership in the remaining tenth.”

Then she groped blindly at the table. The Buy n Large employee, catching on, placed a stack of napkins into her hand.

“Thank you,” she said.

---

Twenty more minutes of standing in one spot finally broke Connie’s patience. She lifted her forehead from the cart’s push bar and groaned, “Peridot, can we please just check out and go home? I’m not even sure what we’re doing here anymore.”

Peridot continued to scroll through screen after screen of code in the holographic display above her arm. Her visor glinted with the reflection in vaguely greasy, cheesy translucent yellow lettering. “Had you paid closer intention to our intel-gathering phase, you would know exactly why I’ve chosen this as our battleground.”

Looking around, Connie saw hair care products in bulk packaging filling the leviathan shelves. She wondered why any human being would need to buy five gallons of shampoo at once, but that was a question better left unasked. “I still don’t get it,” she admitted.

“Then you weren’t looking at the woman’s roots. If she’s a blonde, then I’m a Sapphire,” Peridot said. Then she crowed in victory as her holographic screen collapsed. “Ha! Excellent. Now we can begin.”

“Begin what?” asked Connie. “Are you going to try to talk her out of the box again?”

The Gem lifted her finger in a too-familiar gesture, guaranteeing that another lecture was to follow. “There are innumerable means of acquisition. And when logic and forthrightness prove unequal to the task, other and more clandestine means are called for to yield results. Do you remember what Lapis always taught you, to my previous chagrin?”

“Wetter is always better,” Connie replied instantly.

“What? No, the other thing,” Peridot insisted.

“When you’re lost, always follow the bubbles.”

Peridot ran a hand down her face. “The other-other thing,” she said.

“If you can’t remember someone’s name, give them a descriptive nickname that makes them think they’re actually worth remembering,” Connie said. Then her eyes went wide, and she exclaimed, “Is that why she’s always calling Steven ‘Pinky Pie?’”

Gnashing her teeth, Peridot said, “The thing that applies to this situation in particular.”

“Oh! If nobody’s watching it, then it’s yours,” Connie said.

Peridot tapped a floating finger to her nose. “Precisely.” Her gaze trailed upward, past the tops of the towering shelves at either side of them, to the distant crossbeams supporting the corrugated metal ceiling. “Now, when the target arrives, your task will be to arrest her forward progress and occupy her attention with an innocuous topic of your choosing.”

“So, stop her and distract her?” Connie paraphrased. “Okay. And then what?”

The pleased expression on the Gem’s face told Connie that Peridot had been eagerly awaiting that very question. Lifting her enhancer, Peridot said, “I have reprogrammed my cart protection app to target only Abraxo. Once I set that woman’s cart as the default target, the enhancer will extract my prize with more alacrity and precision than the planet’s most generous arcade crane game.”

Connie frowned. “So we’re just going to steal the box from her cart?”

“Exactly!” Peridot cheered. Then, struck by the realization of Connie’s worried features, she amended, “That is, ‘steal’ is a rather reductive term in this case, given the moral complexity of… I mean, the concept of a product’s ownership prior to its purchase is nebulous at best… In times of great need, we—The woman put cheese on my face! This is an extreme situation that warrants an exception to the rules governing polite society.”

“Okay,” Connie said quickly, taking a step back from the puffing, wild-eyed Gem.

They both heard one-half of a shrill, loud conversation nearing the end of the aisle. Peridot gave Connie a decisive nod and then lifted her arm. A glowing tractor beam ensnared her fingers, which linked together and curled backwards into the shape of a grappling hook. Her tractor line shot the hook up to the crisscrossing rafters in the ceiling, and then dragged her into the air, where she swung onto the top shelves of the aisle to crouch out of sight.

Swallowing hard, Connie turned and watched Tyffini pushing her cart down the aisle with her phone pressed between her cheek and shoulder. Whoever the woman was talking to was receiving a loud and detailed retelling of her last doctor’s visit. The peroxide blonde’s cart veered erratically, forcing Connie to sidestep quickly in order to put herself back in its path.

Tyffini stopped her cart just short of running over Connie again. Her eyes flicked in annoyance at the nervous would-be roadblock. “I gotta call you back. Some charity case is in my way,” she said into the phone before thumbing it dark. Then, to Connie, she said, “Yeah, I don’t carry cash, so don’t bother asking.”

“Um, no. Hello,” Connie said, smiling and waving awkwardly. “I’m the girl you bumped into earlier. Literally.”

“Oh,” Tyffini said, her face growing stony. “So, what? You’re gonna sue me? Because my husband’s a lawyer, and I’m pretty sure carts have the right of way. What’s the point of those glasses if you can’t even see where you’re going? Because they aren’t doing your face any favors.”

A flash of anger set Connie’s innards bubbling, but she hid it behind a wider smile. “No, no. It’s just…you’re so pretty, and I was wondering, um, if you get your makeup here too.” She did not follow up by asking where Tyffini also got the trowel she had obviously used to apply her foundation.

Tyffini’s disdain shifted into false modesty so smoothly, Connie would have sworn it was something the woman practiced in a mirror. “Well, aren’t you sweet? No, my makeup costs more than your mother probably makes in a year, honey. But I’ll tell you what: I think I still have my surgeon’s card here. He’s a miracle worker. I’m on nose number three, and it’s the best one yet.”

As the woman dug through her purse, Connie let her gaze drift upward. She saw Peridot’s golden hair and round yellow visor peering over the top of the highest shelf. A quintet of long fingers dropped over the edge and into Tyffini’s cart beneath the woman’s distracted notice. Unable to help herself, Connie grinned at the successful heist in progress.

Then a klaxon blared from the top shelf, and the disembodied fingers became a flurry of action. Each finger wrapped around a box, bottle, package, or bag in the cart and flung it to sit neatly upon a nearby shelf, then went back to the cart for another product to re-shelve. The return of each product to its improper place was announced with its own bleating klaxon, making the hair care aisle sound like the bridge of a starship in extreme distress.

Connie and Tyffini both had to backpedal from the cart to avoid the whizzing fingers and their items. In seconds, the cart stood almost completely empty, its contents quivering and mis-shelved around them. The only thing remaining in the cart’s basket was the upright box of Abraxo. Connie stood frozen as Tyffini gaped first at the lone box, then at Connie, and then up to the source of the beeping.

Slowly, Peridot’s face appeared over the edge of the shelf twisted in a grimace. “I, ah, may have inverted the program’s targeting protocols. But we did achieve a new high score.” Her awkward laugh dwindled to nothing under Tyffini’s baffled stare. Then the Gem exclaimed, “Retreat!” And she shot her tractored hand into the rafters to swing away on a green line.

Her old training scenarios taking over, Connie sprinted from the aisle at a dead run. She didn’t look back as she heard Tyffini hurling curses and confused accusations in every direction.

---

After circling the store three times and doubling back into the bulk electronics section to ensure she wasn’t being followed, Connie snuck back to the rendezvous spot Peridot had made her memorize when they had first entered the store in the event that they were ever separated. It had seemed excessive at the time, but now proved to be handy, since they hadn’t discussed any other contingency in the event of the plan’s catastrophic failure.

Peridot was already there with the cart, parked next to a wall of adult diapers. The gem stood hunched with her hands grasped listlessly around the push bar, her face downturned as Connie approached.

Puffing for breath, Connie said, “Sorry. I guess neither of us is as good at, um, ‘clandestine acquisition’ as Lapis is. Did you have another idea for getting that box, or…?” She let the unspoken half of the sentence hang, pleading silently to be finished with this strange obsession of Peridot’s.

Then she noticed a tiny glimmer on Peridot’s cheek as the Gem glanced her way. Blinking hard, Peridot swiped at her cheek, trying to hide the motion in an adjustment of her visor. “No. I believe we have dallied long enough. We should proceed to the checkout and purchase our items forthwith.”

The Gem’s floating hands fumbled to find the cart’s push bar again. Connie frowned, and said, “Peridot? Are you okay?”

“Come along, Connie,” Peridot said, ignoring the question. “We both have more worthwhile matters that require our attention. I will simply continue mixing and utilizing multiple cleaners to sanitize our living spaces. Besides, if the product has indeed been reissued, I will find it at another retail provider located more conveniently in our home region.”

The hollowness in Peridot’s voice made Connie balk. She felt her stomach twisting guiltily at her previous impatience. This bizarre quest of the engineer’s made no sense to Connie, but it didn’t have to. It clearly meant a lot to Peridot.

A yellow force field materialized in front of the cart, which bumped to a stop and nudged Peridot in the midsection. The Gem glanced back at Connie with a ghost of annoyance in her features. “Connie, what are you doing? Are your abilities manifesting spontaneously, or is there some concern we need to address?”

“The second one, ma’am,” Connie said. Drawing herself upright, she declared, “We aren’t done shopping until we get that Abraxo.”

Peridot grimaced. “While I appreciate your renewed enthusiasm in my foolhardiness, it is misplaced. Tyffini possesses the box. It is rightfully hers. Now, let us—”

“No!” Connie said, standing in front of the cart so Peridot could not turn it around. At the Gem’s raised eyebrow, she hastily added, “Ma’am. We picked out that box. We were standing right there. Our proximity to it and publicly-declared intentions to buy it mean that we still have a viable claim on the product. In ignoring our intentions and refusing to debate the issue, Tyffini has broken the social contract requiring us to respect her current possession of the box. We are under no obligation to recognize her ownership of that product until she actually pays for it. If we obtain it and purchase it first, we’ll own it without compromising any unspoken societal mores.”

As Connie huffed, Peridot stared at her, the Gem’s face slackening at the recognized snippets of her previous debate. “Connie, you just crafted rhetoric using the lessons I taught you about implicit social expectations to justify disrespecting a nigh-stranger we both deeply dislike.” A new tear formed in the corner of her eye, and this time Peridot did not hide it. “I am very proud of you. I am also slightly perturbed at this newfound talent of yours for moral relativism as justification for malfeasance, but we shall address that issue at a later date.”

Connie beamed in relief at Peridot’s renewed vigor. “Okay!” she said.

Lifting a finger to her chin, Peridot mused, “However, that begs the question of what else we can do at this point.” Her pondering fell silent as she saw the knowing smile waiting for her on Connie’s features. “You have some thoughts on the matter?”

“Well,” Connie said, “respectfully, ma’am, we’ve tried it your way, and we tried it the Lapis way. But Jasper’s been teaching me a lot about being a Citrine. Maybe we should try it the Quartz way this time.”

Peridot’s eyebrows rose. “Do elaborate.”

---

Peace and prosperity shone in the home utilities aisle, a quiet that persisted despite the woman searching roughly through different thirty-count boxes of lightbulbs, running her long, painted nails over the boxes’ descriptions before stuffing them back onto the shelf in the wrong spot.

“I don’t believe this,” Tyffini grumbled loudly. “How do they not have tanning bulbs for night lights? It’s like we’re living in a third-world… Huh?”

The peace shattered underneath a fearsome Gem war cry cascading throughout the Buy n Large. A cart careened around the end of the aisle, tilting up on two wheels as it took the corner with Peridot pushing it at a dead run. Connie sprinted ahead, bellowing at the top of her lungs, making the shoppers in front of her jump to either side of the aisle to avoid being mowed down by the pair.

As Tyffini stared, bewildered by the semi-familiar pair charging at her, the world before her turned yellow. She backed away in surprise, realizing that an amber wall of light had appeared across the width of the aisle to separate her from her own cart. “Hey!” she cried, and thumped the wall with her palm.

Still bellowing, Peridot pulled the cart up next to Tyffini’s. Then she threaded her fingers through the latticed metal of the cart and, with a mighty heave, tipped the cart onto its side, spilling Tyffini’s selections onto the grimy tile floor. “I’m sorry! I need it more!” Peridot yelled politely through the force field.

Connie dove into the scattered products, flinging everything else aside until she came across the buried Abraxo. She snatched it up and dunked it into their cart, cheering in victory, “I got it!”

“EEEE-GRESS!” Peridot howled, and swung the cart clumsily into motion.

Shooting one last look at Tyffini behind her force field, Connie yelled, “I’m sorry about your cart! Please be nicer to people in the future!” Then she sprinted to get ahead of Peridot once more.

Together, the engineer and her young charge barreled across the store, both of them yelling as loudly as they could. Connie pinwheeled her arms in front of the cart as they ran to ensure that every single human being in earshot knew to clear their path. Her heart thundered with exhilaration, her manic grin threatening to split her face.

They reached the row of checkouts at the front of the store, still screaming. Of the fifty checkout lanes, only six were open, with queues of shoppers stretched behind each of them. But the impending wait did not matter. As they pulled into the shortest line, Connie grasped the edge of the cart and jumped up and down excitedly, exclaiming, “We did it! It worked!”

Peridot beamed, her floating hands wrapping around the slightly battered box of Abraxo. “We really did,” she sighed. Then she grinned and held the box out to Connie. “Clearly I have underappreciated the Quartz method of problem-solving in the past. Well done!”

They laughed and cheered, holding their prize between them, too gleeful to care about the mustachioed man wearing a clip-on tie and a prominent nametag bearing down on their celebration with a small squad of be-smocked employees in tow.

---

As they left the hot tar of the parking lot for the cool, cracked sidewalk, Connie glanced wistfully back at the enormous silhouette of the Buy n Large. Their victory had come at a steep cost, and the retail conglomerate had joined Funland and many other commercial establishments in a shared opinion of their desire for Gem customers.

“Humans put so much stock in the phrase ‘lifetime ban,’” Peridot marveled aloud. “Is there some allure in the absolutism of such a punishment? Surely it cannot be productive for businesses to ban a customer who will outlive any one employee of their chain by centuries.”

“I still can’t believe we didn’t just ask one of the employees to check in the back,” Connie said, chagrinned. “They had, like, six more crates of Abraxo in the storeroom. Maybe the Quartz method wasn’t the way to go after all.”

Harrumphing, Peridot glanced at their collective bags, which trundled ahead of them, staggering to keep in formation. Each brown paper bag had a robonoid beneath it with a cobbled platform clipped to its chassis to keep the bag stable and upright. Robinson, loaded with a year’s supply of two-ply toilet paper, had the dubious honor of navigating the rest of them the eight blocks to their warp pad, which sat camouflaged in an empty lot under a rusty piece of discarded aluminum siding.

“At least they granted us the courtesy of allowing us to purchase our items before banishing us,” the engineer huffed.

Connie smirked at the unlikely procession ahead of them. But as her gaze drifted back to Peridot, her face sobered. “Peridot? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Peridot said. “Inquiry is foundational to your development. I encourage it.”

The question that had been tickling the back of Connie’s throat all day finally left her in a quiet, uncertain voice. “Did you really need my help today?”

The Gem’s faltering expression suggested that Peridot wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about that particular inquiry. She looked down, staring at her shuffling limb enhancers for a long moment before finally answering, “Yes.”

Waiting, Connie watched Peridot wrestle silently with what to say. The Gem’s loquaciousness was as intrinsic to her as her visor, and seeing her struggle for words worried Connie more than her spontaneous obsession over a cleaning product had.

At last, Peridot said, “Connie, I am…not the best Earthling.”

Shock hammered Connie in the stomach, but she swallowed her outburst and said, “What do you mean?”

“I am not like Jasper, or Lapis, or your mother. Not like you,” Peridot said. The floating hands of her limb enhancers flexed self-consciously. “I’ve struggled to find my purpose on this world from the moment I arrived. I tried to heal the scars that Homeworld’s occupation left, and I failed. I tried to help Lapis come to terms with—”

She choked, and her eyes filled with tears.

“Well, I failed her too,” she admitted. “But at my lowest point, when I was most afraid, I found my purpose in you. With only human-written texts of questionable accuracy as my guide, I taught myself how to care for you. I taught you to walk, and speak, and reason. I would take you shopping with me to purchase products essential to your survival that I never even knew existed prior to you. And now you are grown.”

Connie rested hand on the Gem’s trembling, floating fist. “Not all the way,” she pointed out softly.

Shaking her head, Peridot said through thick, globby tears, “Seeing you develop, and establish your own activities, and intentions, and social connections beyond us—beyond me—made me think I finally understood what Citrine spent centuries trying to teach me: that we could learn to change just like everything else on this world. But Lapis still lives with one metaphorical foot out the door. Jasper vanishes for days at a time, and when she is here I have to wonder if she would rather bubble me than deal with my tinkering. We’re back to where we began, and the only thing different is you.

“I did need you today,” Peridot choked, her chin dropping in shame. “I needed to feel like I did when you needed me. But I just succeeded in deluding myself and wasting your time, and possibly starting a blood feud with some strange, horrible human. Once again, I fai—”

Connie’s hug caught Peridot across the stomach, stopping the Gem in her enhanced tracks. Pressing her face to Peridot’s chest, Connie squeezed her as tightly as she could and said into the Gem’s tunic, “No.”

The front of Peridot’s formed clothes quickly became soaked in warm tears. “Connie?” Peridot said, wrapping her arms around the girl on reflex.

“You’re allowed to have bad days,” Connie insisted, her voice quavering as her glasses turned blurry with tears. “You’re allowed to feel nostalgic for when I was a baby. You’re allowed to drag me along somewhere just because you want some company. You’re even allowed to mess up, just like everybody else. But don’t ever, ever call yourself a failure. You don’t get to do that.”

Craning her face downward, Peridot tried to catch the girl’s eye. “Connie,” she said, her tone one of shock.

But Connie just shook her head and clutched Peridot tighter, and squeaked, “I don’t need cart seats or bubble baths anymore because you did a good job. You’re doing a good job. You keep the house and everything in it and all of us together. You’re multi-purpose. So you deserve a cleaner that can do it all too. Even if it might melt my skin.”

Peridot rested her cheek atop Connie’s hair and held on tight, closing her eyes until her own tears stemmed. “Thank you,” she murmured.

As they parted, Connie pushed her glasses up to wipe her eyes. They both laughed at each other’s puffy, teary faces. Then they turned to find an audience of robonoids watching them from underneath their collective purchases. Even without faces or voices, the tiny droids managed to express their impatience, and successfully guilted Connie and Peridot into resuming their route.

“Perhaps I am a more adequate caregiver than I credit myself for being,” Peridot said coyly, and began digging into the bag tottering atop Daneel’s wire mesh platform. “However, certainly a good caregiver would not send her phalanges back in secret for an unneeded indulgence whilst her young charge was arguing with the store manager about the terms of their banning.”

With a flourish, Peridot half-pulled a rectangular box from the bag to show Connie its label. Connie squinted in confusion at the box as she read the label aloud. “Magic Sponge? The sponge that makes dirt disappear?”

“What? No.” Peridot did a double-take, then stuffed the box back down and rummaged through the bag again, this time pulling out the actual desired box. “The cereal. Obviously I bought you the cereal,” she said.

When the Gem’s hand emerged, Connie found herself grinning back at Pumpkin Pete. “Thanks, Peridot. I’ll be sure to eat it only in the recommended serving sizes so I don’t have too much sugar at once.” She crossed her finger over her heart to seal the promise she knew she had no chance of keeping.

Peridot nodded, smiling. “That is very wise and mature of you, Connie.”

“Well,” Connie said, “I had a pretty great teacher.”

Chapter 20: Home Is Where the Dot Is

Chapter by BurdenKing, SilverScribe

Summary:

Lapis wants to spend some quality time with her favorite gem on her first night back at the beach house.

Notes:

This omake is from the talented SilverScribe, who jumps in here shortly after the events of Episode 13: Giant Problem.

In case you were unaware, SilverScribe is one of the elite peddlers of Lapidot out there. They recently wrote Putting Yourself Back Together, the summary of which says:

Lapis finally begins to confront the demons that linger between herself and the Crystal Gems. Specifically Pearl.

What that summary fails to say is that it has some weapons-grade Lapidot cuteness as well, and is the sequel to the fun Two Gems and a Pumpkin. After you check this out, consider reading those as well: you'll be in for a fine time.

Lapis shifted uneasily on her perch above Peridot's room as she observed the green gem at work below. Occasionally soft murmuring or a frustrated sigh would drift up to her ears. Peri hadn't noticed her yet, largely because she was absorbed with whatever was scattered about her workbench. Even if she happened to look up, the shadows cast by the gently glowing lava flows of her room would have obscured the opening of the tunnel Lapis was crouched in. She wasn't sure why she felt hesitant now. Everything had gone fine since her return earlier today. Aside from a few awkward looks from Jasper it was like she'd never left.

Connie had made a trip to the Big Donut for snacks, for which Lapis was endlessly grateful. They didn't have lemon filled donuts or triple glazed bear claws at the bottom of the ocean, or at any of the other isolated locales where she had spent her time...away. Oddly Connie hadn't eaten any of the junk food delights, she'd actually looked a little queasy at the sight of them. Weird. After three donuts and a fritter Lapis had attempted to make good on her hug promise while Connie filled her in on her adventures with Bigger Tigger at the Boiling Lava Lake. Peridot was practically attached to her hip for the entire retelling. Which was nice.

She'd lost it when Connie regaled her with a dramatic reenactment of the battle between Tiger's Eye and the “Balrog”. She'd spent the next hour trying to convince OJ to shape-shift a beard and reenact Gandalf's famous “You shall not pass!” scene on the stairs to Con-con's bedroom. The big lug had actually seemed embarrassed! Jasper. A Tolkien nerd. When had that happened?

She must have missed a lot while she was gone...

Lapis lay back in her Peridot access tunnel and looked up at the dancing shadows cast across its ceiling. Maybe that's why she was hesitant? Things had been normal when they were all together, but alone with Peri... Would it be awkward after what happened at New Year's? Or maybe it was being alone with Dot in her room again. Last time that happened it hadn't ended so well, Lapis recalled with an internal groan. Well she wasn't binge eating this time and she had no plans to try and corner P-dot into a kiss tonight sooooo. Ugh. Maybe she should just go back to her room and try to sleep. But that thought sent a shiver through her form. She didn't really want to be alone right now.

She'd had enough alone time for awhile.

Lapis sat up with a long, deep inhalation...and then she smiled. That smell. Peri's lava flows... It was a faint, light fragrance. Clean and barely there at all. But she knew it.

Periwinkles.

With a grin Lapis slowly extended her wings, taking care to keep quiet. Screw awkward. She was gonna hang out with her favorite technician and while she was at it she'd give her a little surprise too. Lapis slowly floated downward, careful to keep her wings flared and still. She touched down softly just behind the still-mumbling gem and quickly moved both hands in front of Peri's adorably geeky new glasses.

“Guess who?' Lapis asked in a singsong voice. But instead of the reaction she was hoping for, a squeaky yell or floating fingers flying everywhere, Peridot continued her work. Despite her blocked vision.

“Whoever could it be? Marietta, perhaps?” Peridot deadpanned as her fingers continued to fly over her workbench.

“Antoinette? Old Netty... I haven't thought about her in ages. That was a girl who knew how to throw a party,” Lapis responded. Her disappointment at not surprising Peridot quickly overcome by nostalgia. Peri and herself had attended a great many of the French queen’s lavish balls back in the day.

“Yes. Madame Deficit was exceptional in her pursuit of recreational frivolities if not much else. A practice that would have cost her her head had a certain flying gem not plucked her from the guillotine,” Peridot teased, finally setting her work aside and turning to face Lapis.

“Eh. Marie was a good kid who made a few mistakes....Okay, a lot of mistakes. But still, no harm in saving her neck. The French still got their revolution,” Lapis replied with a grin, taking a moment to admire Peridot's new form again as the green gem leaned back against her workbench. She loved the new hair, it was so cute, and that outfit.  “Besides, I owed her for that killer dress she gave me. I still have it somewhere...”

“Ah yes. Lavish benefactions. The easiest way to make an ally of Lapis Lazuli. That or copious amounts of sugary food stuffs,” Peridot quipped with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

“Hey! I'd bet anything you still have a few of the outfits she gave you too P-pod,” Lapis retorted, giving the technician a playful shove to the shoulder and sticking out her tongue. She'd expected to give Dot a good scare, not get roasted. Which reminded her... “Anyway, why weren't you surprised when I popped in? You been expecting me or something?”

“Perhaps. Or perhaps my proximity sensors alerted me to your arrival some time ago. You spent a prolonged period sitting in the ceiling aperture,” Peridot answered as she held up and tapped a small, glowing panel on her limb enhancer.

“Proximity sensors? That's cheating,” Lapis whined, a light blush rising in her cheeks. She didn't know Peri was aware of her sitting up there watching her the entire time.

“Yes, well. While you were away we had another Slinker infestation so I recently upgraded the Temple's security systems,” Peridot replied as she pushed her visor-glasses back up her nose with a self-satisfied grin. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit Lazuli?”

Lapis felt her blush deepen. It was really cute when Dot pushed her glasses up like that. Yeesh, usually she was the one doing the flustering. She had to turn this around. “What? Can't a gem pull a Romeo and sneak into her favorite girl's bedroom unannounced anymore?” Lapis purred, leaning forward and slowly dragging a finger around the star emblazoned over Peridot's breasts. That ought to turn those green cheeks teal Lapis thought. But when she looked at Peridot's face that's not what she saw. Instead Peri wore a slight frown and was looking off to one side. She looked...

She looked uncomfortable.

Lapis took a few steps back and immediately withdrew her hand, internally berating herself. Of course Peri was uncomfortable. Here she was, back after vanishing on one of her tantrums for over three months, and she immediately began hitting on Peridot. After bailing on her. Again. Like nothing had happened at all. She had to stop doing this to her. “I'm sorry Peridot. It's just...I really missed you. I thought we could hang out a bit, but it's probably best if I just go,” Lapis said in a wavering voice as she spread her wings. Ugh. She was so stupid. She was about to run back to her room but before she could take off two sets of floating, green fingers settling around her shoulders.

“Wait!” Peridot shouted in a panic as she stepped forward towards Lapis.

“Dot it's fine, I shouldn't ha—”

“I keenly felt your absence as well, Lapis!”

Lapis' teeth clicked shut around the words she was trying to get out as Peridot's fingers moved from her shoulders to her hands. The green gem's mouth kept opening and shutting as if she were searching for the right words and Lapis could see the telltale sheen behind Peridot's glasses that meant she was trying very hard not to cry.

Great. Lapis had made her cry.

Lapis felt her own eyes burning as she stared down at her precious Peri. What was she trying to say? That it was okay? Of course it wasn't okay! Jasper was right! She always did this to Peridot and she was the last gem in the universe to deserve it. But she didn't know how to stop doing it. But a good start, this time at least, would be to lay off her for awhile. She was about to remove her hands from Peridot's when her grip suddenly tightened and her face finally regained its usual composure.

“I would revel in the opportunity to hang out with you, Lazuli. I'd just prefer it if we did so...platonically for now. Watch Camp Pining Hearts with me?” Peridot offered with a smile and a gesture of her hand-equivalent off to her left. Lapis glanced over and saw...

The hammock. The same hammock Peri usually set up for her whenever she had the nightmares. Whenever she needed someplace she felt comfortable and safe to sleep. A place with Peridot nearby. This time there was an old boxy television set up right beside it. Peri had planned for this. Lapis was torn between laughing and crying. Instead she chose to mask it with teasing Peridot.

“You're not going to make me sit through season four again are you, Periwinkle?” Lapis asked in mock exasperation, discreetly freeing one of her hands and wiping at her eyes. “I know it's your favorite but it's always been a little hit or miss for me.”

“It is objectively the best season of the series!” Peridot huffed, rising to the bait. “It's a key turning point in the development of Percy and Pierre's relationship.”

“It was a giant tease to all of us dying for them to finally get together,” Lapis retorted with a smirk.

“It was proper set-up! You can't rush romantic relationships! Camp Pining Hearts isn't some trashy literary romance!”

Lapis doubled over and laughed outright at this. She couldn't help it. She loved Camp Pining Hearts but she wasn't quite as... rabid as Peri. “Okay Dot, you win. We can watch season four,” Lapis replied with a snort, trying to master her mirth.

“Actually I was thinking we could watch season five together,” Peridot said, grinning despite herself at seeing Lapis laugh again.

“Season five? But season five is garbage,” Lapis replied in confusion.

“Precisely. The series went completely off the rails. Which makes it extremely enjoyable to critique. Especially with a partner.”

Lapis beamed at Peridot. That did sound like a lot of fun right now. “I'll be your Statler if you'll be my Waldorf.” And with that Lapis reached down and scooped Peridot up bridal carry-style. The green gem's yelp of surprise quickly turned to happy laughter as Lapis spread her wings and lightly flew over the few meandering lava rivers separating them from the hammock.

“I don't believe flight was necessary for such a short distance, Laz,” Peridot giggled as they landed.

“No, but it was more fun,” Lapis answered as she plopped Peridot down in the hammock. She then carefully crawled in after her. There was no avoiding touching when two people shared a hammock, but Lapis tried her best to make their contact as innocent as possible. But after Peridot leaned her head against Lapis' shoulder while her floating fingers inserted the season five DVD Lapis relaxed a little. She even leaned her face into Peri's hair, she still couldn't get over how cute it looked.

Things weren't fixed, she wasn't fixed, but for now this was nice.

This was enough.

As the title card for the first episode appeared on screen Lapis could practically feel the righteous indignation roiling in waves off of her critique partner. She snorted and wrapped her arm around Peridot's shoulders as she settled in to tear apart the worst season of their favorite show together.

“Lapis?” Peridot said as the theme song started, snuggling into Lapis' arm and looking up at her with a contented sigh.

“Yeah P-pod?”

“It's...It's a pleasure to be in your company once more.”

“Yeah. Yeah it's good to be back, Peri,” Lapis responded as she planted a chaste kiss just above Peridot's gemstone.

It was good to be home.

Chapter 21: Ask a Question for Peridot’s What-If Machine

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Summary:

Peridot unveils her latest and greatest invention. Responses are mixed.

Notes:

This is an actual prompt on the Connie Swap Tumblr. CoreyWW proposed the idea and br42 wrote the framing story. Feel free to post an ask on either the Tumblr or here in the comments.

Answers will go up on the Connie Swap Tumblr and in the Connie Swap: Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection.

Steven was braiding Connie’s hair. Connie was braiding Jasper’s hair. Jasper was working her way through one of Connie’s choose-your-own-adventure books. Lapis wasn’t so much braiding Steven’s hair as sifting through it like someone trying to read their future in tea leaves.

Other than Steven humming tunelessly, the Beach House was silent. Peaceful.

The temple door opened and Peridot, wearing a lab coat, wheeled something covered in a tarp into the center of the room.

“Excellent tidings, everyone!” she declared, all eyes upon her.

“What’s that, ma'am?” asked Connie as she braided a tiny bit more order into the fluffy white chaos in front of her.

“How kind of you to ask, dear,” preened the technician. “I present to you all,” she paused for dramatic effect, “my greatest invention!” and she whipped the tarp back.

Sitting on a wheeled podium was a contraption of tangled wires and iridescent green metal. A large screen dominated the front. A pull chord like you’d find on a push mower poked out from the side.

“Oooh~” said Steven.

“Wow!” exclaimed Lapis. “I have no idea what that is!”

Peridot pulled herself up proudly and said, “This is a Tachyonic Atemporal Cross-dimensional Oracle.”

Lapis considered this. “Now I have no idea what it is and I suddenly crave Tex-Mex.”

Peridot rolled her eyes. “You pose it a question and it combs the multiverse to show you an answer. But only a brief one: this device can’t sustain prolonged operation as it was built from refurbished Sea Shrine salvage.”

“Kind of like those little hourglass things from that sunken lab?” asked Connie, her face carefully neutral.

Peridot bounced on her heel-equivalents. “Yes, precisely.”

“Smash it?” asked Jasper.

“Smash it,” answered Connie.

The two got up, the latter going to grab something blunt and heavy from the kitchen cabinets.

“Wait!” cried Peridot, moving to shelter her precious device with her physical form. “I can assure you that the odds of this machine summoning dimensional doppelgangers are infinitesimal!”

“How about the odds of it traumatizing me?” drawled Connie, eyebrow raised and a heavy skillet in her grip.

Peridot opened her mouth, then closed her mouth, then shook her head. Wearing a smile that failed to reach her eyes, she said, “Let’s not get lost in speculation. The important thing is that we have the entirety of what is and what can ever be, right here for our inquiring. So let’s inquire!”

Lapis raised her arm high overhead, rocking impatiently. “Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!”

“Yes, Laz?” Peridot said, her expression satisfied once more.

“What if I found another gummy bear in Steven’s hair?”

“Hey,” objected Steven, who then paused and said, “Actually, I’d kind of like to ask how that got in there.”

While Peridot’s face was in her palm-equivalent, Jasper cleared her throat and asked, “What would happen if I smashed this machine?”

Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air and declared, “I offer you all a glimpse at the infinite and these are the thanks I receive? Fine! Connie, you may ask the first question. That way you can be sure it is nothing you’d find objectionable to your impressionable psyche.”

Connie set the cast iron skillet on the countertop and considered the offer, looking over the group. Lapis gave her a thumbs up. Steven was preoccupied combing through his hair. Jasper shrugged. Peridot’s eyes were pleading.

“Wellllll, there are a few things I’ve been wondering about,” conceded the girl.

“Then it’s settled!” chirped Peridot. “Now I merely need to perform the delicate initialization process.”

Walking around to the side of the device, the technician braced one gravity connector against the podium and gripped the pull chord with her floating fingers. She tugged once, twice, three times, all while grumbling about ‘shoddy Era-1 scrap’. On the fourth try there was a sound like a car backfiring and then a motor chugged to life.

Peridot reached into the nest of wires extending from the back of the machine, twiddling this and that. She then formed a fist-equivalent, banged on the top of the T.A.C.O. twice, and was rewarded with a warm glow from the screen. Peridot brushed her hand-equivalents together, satisfied in a job well done, and moved aside.

On the display was a single sentence:

What is your question?

A hush fell over the room (motor noises notwithstanding) and Connie stepped forward. She cleared her throat, drew in a breath, and said…

Notes:

If you have a “what if” style prompt for any of the Connie Swap characters to say, send them to us and we’ll write a short scene using it. They’ll be fun non-canon things so feel free to ask anything (SFW-appropriate please).

Chapter 22: Deleted Scenes - Episode 14: Beach City Limits

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW

Summary:

Two scenes were deleted from Episode 14, Chapter 3: Priyanka’s Pre-Confrontation Digression and a fuller version of what Lapis overheard from the Junk Food Jockeys.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. Believe it or not, Beach City Limits was originally gonna be even longer. CoreyWW and I spent the eight days or so before Chapters 3 and 4 were posted writing scenes based on the outline we’d created, but also based on where the story took use as we went. When it came time to make the final editing passes on the prose, we realized that 1) this whole thing had gotten really long and 2) some of the places the story took me in particular were more digressions than directly serving the plot.

Part of the benefit of having group proofreading is getting that necessary perspective, especially when you’ve been writing for hours on end and the tunnel vision has started to set in. And part of the benefit of having an omake collection is getting to use those parts that ended up on the cutting room floor anyway! Both of these sections were cut from Chapter 3 of Beach City Limits.

Note that these sections were cut before they underwent the final editing passes. In places they may be a little under-polished and a few small details might differ slightly between where the deleted scene and the finished chapters overlap. Consider these somewhere on the order of 90% canonical.

Priyanka Pre-Confrontation Digression

After years of work functions, Priyanka could ride out a gathering like a pro. On instinct she could find the Goldilocks zone between the wallflowers and the extroverts. She was never rude but neither was she too inviting. She had good posture and wore sensible shoes, allowing her to mill about without having to sit; if you sat down then you risked being 'that lonely doctor by herself' or trapped at a table with an inebriated gaggle of obstetricians.

Priyanka wove through the crowd giving the impression that she was just cutting through, no time to stay and chat since her friends were waiting, and yes, she was having a good time, thank you for asking.

She did all of this without conscious effort, a fact which meant her mind was free to wonder how Doug was getting along with Connie. That the girl was awkward around Priyanka was no surprise. Even a normal thirteen-year-old would have mixed feelings about her father dating.

If even half the stories Doug has told me are true then there is precious little about her life that is normal. It's a wonder she's as well-adjusted as-

Priyanka had to smile and nod her way through an encounter with a large, dark-skinned man with a loud shirt, a louder voice, and bags under his eyes. The man --Harold, supplied the corner of Priyanka's mind dedicated to navigating events like these-- turned and told his exciting personal anecdote to a different hapless partygoer while Priyanka made good her escape.

Priyanka had always wanted to raise a daughter. She was proud of Anjan, of course. Her son and his wife were, based on the intermittent updates that made it to her, living happily and sensibly on the west coast, just another pair of twenty-something professionals. But there was a tiny, sentimental core of Priyanka that had weathered the years of marriage, divorce, and subsequent dating that yearned. She wanted to help a girl make the transition to womanhood with her heart intact and her head screwed on straight. She wanted to be the sheltering harbor her younger self had been denied.

But if she was ever going to be any of that to Connie, she'd first need to make it through the entirety of a conversation with her.

Priyanka hid behind a plate of vegetables while a stocky blonde woman with a knee brace and a woman with glasses and a large mop of orange hair talked about their children, who were apparently coworkers at the donut shop. A conveniently timed bite of sliced cucumber --Wow, this is really good cucumber! Did this come from someone's garden?-- meant Priyanka's mouth was too full to join them in their exchange.

Still no sign of Doug or Connie. Mary Universe, the towering hostess, did manage to out-maneuver Pri and invite her to join in some girl talk later, but then she'd left 'so she could check on how the kids were doing.'

Priyanka turned, the crowds happened to part, and there, looming from the edge of the party, was Jasper. The colossal busybody was as poker-faced as ever and pacing like a caged jungle cat.

Priyanka bit a baby carrot in half, --I'll have to ask Doug if there's a farmer's market in Beach City.-- set her plate aside, and marched on a collision course with the orange interloper.

Lapis Overhears about Horror Movies

Lapis was working her way down a snack table. Donuts and assorted finger food tasted a fair sight better than hurt tinged with regret.

The sea was a little choppier than it otherwise should have been, and, okay, maybe some of the bottles of soda had become dangerous to open too quickly, but Lapis wasn’t rearranging land masses so everyone else could just cope.

Lapis’ ate a handful of mixed nuts to see if they could help quell the storm raging inside her. Hmm, results are inconclusive. More testing needed, she thought as she stuffed another handful in her mouth.

There was a guffaw with all the grace of an avalanche that rang out across the party. Lapis rolled her eyes as she quaffed a cup of punch. Oh great. Someone’s playing ‘got your nose’ with Jasper and we all get to hear about it.

Turning, Lapis saw the doctor chick Doug was shtupping walking away with all haste from Jasper, with Doug on an intercept course to his new squeeze.

She’s only guilty of terrible taste, same as those snowball cookies, but I won’t lose any sleep if she, Dougie, and Jassafras annoy each other to pieces.

Not that this had been a particularly good year for sleeping for Lapis.

The Blue gem turned back and started demolishing a pile of asian-style dumplings. A cloud halfway to the horizon began dumping its contents into the ocean.

Heh, wonton destruction, she quipped inwardly.

Nearby, Donut Girl, Snarky Pizza, and Weirdo McFryboy were gabbing. Lapis sidled a little closer to see what this conspiracy of junk food jockeys was all about. It couldn’t be worse than keeping her own thoughts for company.

“Isn’t that the one with, like, the ugly CGI bear? When I first saw it, I thought it was about a really hairy guy trying to murder people,” said Pepperoni With Cheek.

Pretty Fry For A White Guy fiddled with his glasses, a gesture that sent a pang through Lapis as it reminded her of a certain someone, and said, “You saw the remake, which was a cinematic travesty. The original version uses only practical effects and is far and away superior.”

“Well, yeah,” said Ms. Karate-Chop Action, “but because of the rights dispute, you can’t find the original Evil Bear 2 anywhere. The VHS tapes cost, like, a hundred bucks online.”

Potato Nerd gave a satisfied smile. “I happen to have in my possession the entire Evil Bear trilogy. I got a hot tip from one of my KBCW contacts a few years back: scored all three for eight dollars from a yard sale over in Ocean Town. Well worth the twenty mile bike ride.”

“Whoa! Really?!” exclaimed the cruel cruller custodian.

“Wow, Home Fries has the hookup. Shortcake here has been putting on some scary stuff with me and my boys. We get together ‘bout twice a month. You should come too. She’s really into this stuff but we’re more along for the ride,” said Pizza Party.

Ha! Shortcake! This pizza girl is alright, thought Lapis before a loud, “WHAT?!” caused everyone’s heads, Lapis included, to snap around.

Notes:

In case you were wondering, the cucumber slices came from Mary’s garden and the carrots came from Peridot’s. Those two details, at least, are 100% canonical.

Chapter 23: Power Testing: Electricity and Energy Aura

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Lapis, Jasper, Peridot, and Steven spend the day testing Connie's electricity power and aura of radiated gem energy. Connie learns more about both her powers and the unfortunate number of electricity puns out there.

Notes:

BR42 here. In Episode 14, Connie showcased not one but two new powers. Of course, both had been referenced in previous chapters but now that the cat was officially out of the bag, it was time once more to return to the Powers Testing series.

I’m not an electrical engineer. In planning this fic it quickly became apparent that I wasn’t even up to the task of convincingly faking being familiar with the underlying principles behind how electricity works. While that isn’t strictly necessary for a story with fantastic elements like Connie Swap, I do want to keep the hand waving to a minimum and have it grounded as much as possible in real-world science. I’d like to thank TheMarkovProperty, who actually does know this stuff, for helping me with some of the terms and numbers and benchmarks used for the power on display. If any technical terms are misrepresented or any numbers are far-fetched, I can assure you that comes from me mishandling TMP’s helpful instruction.

The events in this omake take place after the events of Episode 14: Beach City Limits and five days prior to the events of Episode 15: Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls. In-universe, it takes place on May 2nd.

Once more I’ve attempted to include enough quips and comedic moments and character beats to make a dry chapter (hopefully) fun. This omake is 100% canonical. I hope you enjoy it.

Connie could generate electricity. This power had been debuted in a rather spectacular fashion at a recent beach party. Words had been said, corrupted Orthoclases had been poofed, property damage had been surprisingly light, all things considered.

The evening following the party, it was discovered that Connie had a second, hitherto unknown power operating as well: she was a walking gemtech power source, broadcasting energy wirelessly. On the plus side, it meant she was able to activate the long-inert shield her mother had wielded. On the negative side, it meant she'd inadvertently caused the blaster overload which had poofed Peridot about a month-and-a-half ago.

Two days after the beach party, Connie, Jasper, Lapis, Peridot, and Steven had assembled in the shadow of the temple to find out more about these two powers.

Peridot brought an exacting itinerary of tests to be performed.

Jasper brought the shield as well as the pile of equipment Peridot had assembled for the occasion.

Lapis brought snacks, only half of which made it to the power testing. There were plenty of green- and orange-frosted donuts, though, which for some reason Lapis seemed reluctant to touch.

Steven brought the power diary, a case of gel pens with glitter in the ink, and four boxes of anti-static dryer sheets.

Connie brought her gemstone and as much patience as she could muster.

---

Below are the distilled notes from the day’s exercises, compiled by Peridot and Connie, with additional observations from Steven, Lapis, and Jasper.

Test 1: Mode of Electrical Generation Alpha (How does Connie generate/store electrical energy)
Connie was situated on a rubber mat laid out over the sand. Electrodes were applied to various contact points across Connie's body. {They were cold and arranged quite... thoroughly, ma'am.}{Pinkie's cheeks seemed pretty warm even though he was looking away until Peri gave him the ‘all clear’.}{LAPIS!}{Hehe.} An iron spike was driven into the sand, leads were handed to Connie, and a sensor suite was setup to monitor everything between the two. Connie was asked to discharge as much of the power she may have had currently stored up.

Once the voltmeter on the leads reached a sustained low, Connie was asked to activate her electricity generation power as strongly as she could... right after everyone else retreated to the blast shelter Jasper had finished erecting. {I liked the doodles you made on it, Lapis.}{Thanks, Pinkie Pie.}{But the picture of miss Jasper getting struck by lightning? It showed her skeleton... but I thought you guys didn't have bones.}{Artistic license, Stevie.}

The result was a steady flow of current that averaged forty kilovolts at roughly two milliamps, producing about eighty watts. {And no lightning.}{There's more to science than lightning, Lapis.}{If it helps, miss Lapis, Connie's hair did go all poofy and storm-cloudy after a while.} After ten minutes of continuous current generation, the test was concluded.

Steven helped restrain Connie's particularly voluminous hair. {Sorry for zapping you, Steven.}{It's okay. Though I really thought wearing those anti-static dryer sheets like gloves would have helped more.}

Test 2: Mode of Electrical Generation Beta
Connie was asked to remain on the insulated mat for one minute, charging, before picking the leads up once more and attempting to activate her power at full strength.

Steven's request that she 'go Super Saiyan' was duly noted, though Connie seemed to blanch at the prospect of bellowing her rage to the world. {That’s pretty much what I did two days ago. That’s plenty for me, thanks.}{That’s okay, Connie. Gohan hardly ever rages out and he’s, like, the strongest person ever. Well… until he gets to high school, anway.}{Um, thanks, I think.}

There was an initial, modest peak in the voltage and then a sharp drop. This settled to a return to the previous, sustained level of current generation.

Test 5: Mode of Electrical Generation Delta
Connie sat charging for a full thirty minutes. The greatest challenge was keeping Steven and Lapis from stepping out from behind the blast shelter. {It was boooring, P-dot!}{Also, we were running out of wall to draw on.}{Lapis, Steven, kindly recall that these very powers helped bring down a swarm of Orthoclases as well as indirectly PUT A FOUR INCH HOLE THROUGH MY PHYSICAL FORM! Caution may not be exciting, but it is warranted.}

The performance was identical to previous tests, albeit with a higher initial peak in voltage. These peaks show less than linear growth, so there appears to be an upper maximum to the rate at which Connie can charge. {Still no lightning.}{What is it with you and lightning today, Laz?}{I was just hoping Con-con and I could pull a storm theme in some future fight.}{Um, Lapis, I think we got close enough with the beach party.}{Fine, but I'm saving the costume design Pinkie drew up.}{Wait- What?!}

Test 6: Mode of Electrical Generation Zeta
Connie was informed that she would be subjected to a series of mild electrical shocks through the electrodes placed across her body. These shocks would be in a number of different locations and patterns to see if her body was capable of absorbing electrical energy from external sources and, if so, whether said absorption was constrained to certain areas. {I-If you're sure about this, ma'am.}{I assure you, dear, the shocks will be mild and that the, heh, battery of tests will be, ahem, conducted no longer than watt is strictly needed.}{That'd be more reassuring if you weren't working in so many electricity puns.}{Wait! I've got one! Con-con, just accept it because... resistance is futile.}[ZAP!]{Even I agree I had that coming.}

After discharging as much of her accumulated energy as possible, the sequence was begun. {Try meditating, Connie. Buck Dewey says it helps him.}{Oh, um, okay, Steven. I'll try it.}{Yeah, Con-con, try chanting 'Ohm'. Then maybe it won't hertz.} To Connie's credit her dedication to advancing science, and enduring word play, is impressive. {She's a real joule, that on- Ow! Hey?!}{Thanks Jasper}{[thumbs up]}

At the end, she discharged what power she had accumulated, but the results were nominal, indicating that Connie cannot charge herself from sources outside her own gemstone.

Conclusion: Connie's gemstone acts as a generator which produces current in a specific range. Her body, meanwhile, acts as a capacitor rather than a battery, and has a high rate of discharge. It charges more efficiently when charged slowly; the rate of charge dropping off over time during a concerted charging effort. It is speculated that the waste energy manifests itself as static charge. {Which is Peri-speak for Connie's storm 'fro!}

---

Test 7: Range of Electrical Generation Alpha (What are the generation ranges and triggers thereof)
There was a brief break for refreshments. {Thanks for the veggie platter, Steven.}{You're welcome, but I don't think miss Peridot or Lapis liked the selection.}{Carrots are a vital part of Connie's diet and your arrangement of vegetables was deficient in that area. Fortunately I was able to rectify the situation with a brief warp to and from the garden.}{Okay, but why did miss Lapis just eat the red bell peppers?}{My appetite for certain colors is kinda complicated these days. It's a gem thing.}{Oh, uh, okay.}

Connie was then placed in the testing apparatus from last time with the addition of a cerebral scanning helmet. {Ma'am, it looks like a colander flipped upside down, with a bunch of copper wiring stuck in the holes.}{Yeah, P, didn't I see you washing Connie's carrots with that thing, like, five minutes ago?}{Ahem. The cerebral scanning helm has a versatile design and is capable of both rinsing consumables and identifying neurological activity. Now hold still, dear, I think I see a bit of peel still stuck in among the prefrontal cortex sensors.}

Connie was then asked to complete an in-depth questionnaire about her thoughts and emotional state during electricity generation... right after being assured we weren't going to pelt her with tennis balls. {You guys pulled that stunt on me during the force field testing.}{Well yes, but it was-}{THREE TIMES!}

During portions of the questionnaire meant to induce feelings of aggression, the electrical output increased. {It's just... Woody the Woodpecker is a jerk! That walrus just wants to have a barbecue!}{You were right, Steven: that comic about a malevolent picidae was a good addition to the body of questions.}

Test 8: Range of Electrical Generation Beta
Connie was once more ran through the testing apparatus, helmet and all, but during the questionnaire she was subject to a simulated assault by harmless projectiles: tennis ball-shaped devices rigged to adhere to the target until they receive a modest electrical shock. {Argh! I'll never trust again!}

I hypothesized that the physicality of the simulated attack would heighten the response. After careful examination of the cerebral scanning helmet data I have come to the conclusion that this was not the case. While there was a marked increase in galvanic output, {Lightning!}{The effect was more on the scale of a cattle prod or taser, Laz}{Just let me have this, Peri.} the brain area most stimulated was one associated with feelings of betrayal or indignation.

On a related note, I received a... stinging reminder to include an examination of the means by which Connie can remotely project her electrical charges.

Conclusion: Connie's generative output seems to increase when she focuses on the power (per the previous 'charging' tests) as well as when she is feeling particularly outraged. A physical element to the situation seems to have no effect. While neither focused nor emotionally primed, Connie’s electrical output was nominal. When she was suitably, erm, energized, she was producing output about in line with devices used by humans for self-defense or managing livestock.

---

Test 9: Targeting and Distance for Ranged Electrical Strikes Alpha (How accurately and how far can she project her electricity)
A series of targeting dummies (i.e. sensor-laden robonoids) were arranged at various distances. Numerous detectors were positioned along the range. From her insulated mat, Connie was instructed to direct an arc of electricity towards Gort, positioned five feet away.

Time-lapse photography confirmed that Connie was inducing the target to extend an ion channel between it and her outstretched fingertips. The channel then served as the conduit for her electrical strike. As the galvanic energy flowed into the target, the charge differential diminished. This had the result of making the current seek an alternate route to ground, ultimately discharging harmlessly into the sand past the edge of the insulated mat. Simply put, the longer Connie zaps something, the harder it is for her to keep her electricity focused on it. This implies that sustained bursts will be difficult.

Additionally, careful study of the footage revealed that the electrical discharge is actually following a narrow ion channel along the exterior of Connie's body that leads back to her gemstone. This would explain why she is not shocked in the process of discharging the electricity. {Ah, I guess that means that Connie can't wear cool metal armor.}{Yes, that would be counterproductive.}{No underwire for you, Con-con.}{Hmm, that's a fair point, Lapis. Really any form of conductive undergarment could-}{EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW!}

Curiously, following an ionized channel of air to ground is identical to how natural lightning strikes function. {Yus!}{I still wanna see those costume designs, Lapis.}{Fine. Here ya go.}{...huh. That’s neat, actually, but I don’t think I could get my hair to hold a lightning bolt shape.}{If needed, dear, I could furnish you with some industrial-strength adhesives made from elastic polymers that-}{Hard pass, ma’am.}

Test 12: Targeting and Distance for Ranged Electrical Strikes Epsilon
Unlike all of the preceding tests, Galatea at the forty foot mark was never successfully targeted. Consulting the sensor data, it appears the ion channel never formed in the first place. This implies there is some form of firm range limitation at work, though the underlying mechanism remains a mystery.

Test 13: Targeting and Distance for Ranged Electrical Strikes Delta
Connie stood inside a roughly six cubic-foot body of salt water. She then attempted to target Gort at a range of five feet away. Instead, the water surrounding her immediately shorted the electrical strike. Connie described the effect as disorienting but not actually painful. {Oh! You can tag along next time I bring in a haul of fish. We can do some electrofishing.}{Um, miss Lapis, I'm not really comfortable with that.}{Yeah, animal cruelty concerns aside, being splash-zapped like that is not something I'm eager to do again.}

Test 14: Targeting and Distance for Ranged Electrical Strikes Zeta
Connie summoned a force field and attempted to target the barrier. As with other hard light constructs, the fields proved to be very poor conductors. She then tried to target Gort from the other side of the field.

Like physical barriers, the field prevented the ion channel from completing, thus protecting the target from the shock. {Was that really in question, ma'am?}{Powers are weird, dear. You have to test this sort of thing to be sure.}

Conclusion: Connie can induce a mid air channel for her electricity to reach a distant target but only to a distance of thirty feet. The target moving or dodging (per the unscheduled Johnny test) does little unless they're able to break line of effect or interpose something more electrically conductive between them.

---

Test 15: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Alpha (How far does it extend and how much energy can it broadcast)
Another break was called, for lunch this time. As one of the testing devices was a gemtech machine for precisely heating inserted rectangles, we were able to capitalize on Connie's power aura to toast the sandwich bread. Unfortunately, Toasty realized what was transpiring and entered a frenzy. Subduing the robonoid took the larger part of the meal. {I could have done it sooner.}{True, Jasper, but I'd rather my robonoids remain intact in the process.}{[shrug]}

The test involved Connie activating the slotted ingot smelter, {You mean the gem-toaster, P?}{No, I mean the the device we happened to also use for toasting bread, which is called the-}{Right, the gem-toaster.}{Lazuli, what kind of toaster is capable of smelting aluminum?!}{[points] That one, duh.}{Gnyaaah!} having Connie walk away until it ceased to function, then measuring that distance.

The slotted ingot {toaster} smelter ceased operation once Connie moved past the thirty foot mark. Additional movement confirmed that the energy broadcast is circular in shape. That this is the limit for Connie's ion channel range is conspicuous.

Test 16: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Beta
For this test the Steven and Connie will stand adjacent to one another. Then Steven will carry the Citrine Aegis- {NO!}{Wha- Jasper?}{Steven will NOT carry Citrine's shield.}{Whoa, OJ, what's the big deal?}{Steven. Can you lift the toaster?}{It's a slotted-}{Yeah, it's not too heavy, miss Jasper.}{Peridot. He carries the toaster.}{But it's- oh fine, the Steven can carry the toaster. [grumble grumble]} Ahem. The Steven will carry the... toaster and walk away from Connie to confirm whether or not Connie's field behaves differently while she's stationary.

The result was consistent with Connie's aura being circular and unchanged while stationary. Additional, three-dimensional motion with Lapis' assistance {WOO!}{Fun, ain’t it, Pinkie?} proved that the field was in fact spherical, with a radius of thirty feet.

Test 17: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Gamma
A trio of power sinks, devices built to consume large volumes of energy and produce a trivial output, {Sounds like a few gems I've known.}{Lapis. Glass houses.}{Whoa! Normally I'd be pissed, but I'm just too surprised by Jasper using a human expression correctly to care. Man, Connie and Steven really are rubbing off on you, aren’t they?}{[narrowed eyes]} were placed at five, fifteen, and twenty-five feet away from Connie. Then all three were enabled in sequence, starting with the most remote first.

Only the closest active power sink was able to remain operational. This implies that energy is routed to the nearest device first and that the aura shrinks as energy is consumed in excess of production. This is yet another parallel with the ion channel phenomenon.

Test 18: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Epsilon
Two power sinks were arranged equidistant to Connie. Once activated, only one received power. Repeating this test caused the same result, although which power sink was powered was statistically no different from random chance.

Test 19: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Delta
The power sinks were cleared away and various terrestrial (i.e. human-invented) circuits were arranged within Connie's power radius. She was then asked to convey electricity to them.

Other than arcing electricity to one after several minutes of failed attempts, no remote current inducement occurred.

Test 20: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Zeta
This time Connie was compelled from emotional trigger to generate electricity (via surprise Jasper-noogie) and caused several of the circuits to show current in keeping with the tests #7 and #8 (and, later, test #1 when she attempted to zap Jasper off of her) {Good instincts, kiddo. On some other gem that might have worked.}

Test 21: Wireless Gem Energy Broadcast Eta
A power sink was placed in proximity to Connie. Then she was compelled from emotional trigger to generate electricity (via surprise Jasper-noogie to Steven). {NOT COOL, GUYS!}{You weren't kidding, Connie. Those things are no idle threat.} Only the circuit closer to Connie than the power sink received a surge of current.

Of additional note, the power surge was higher than previously noted. Further testing would be beneficial but Connie has unilaterally vetoed further efforts. {Seriously, not cool, guys.}

Conclusion: Connie's power aura is a sphere with a maximum radius of thirty feet. It's radius is determined by the amount of unconsumed power, and all the available power goes to the nearest receptive device first. This aura is clearly necessary for Connie to be able to convey her electrical power through the air, though the exact interaction between the two is still not well understood.

---

"Good luck with your analysis, ma'am," said Connie as she started to walk away.

"You're not going to remain? I'd certainly appreciate your help in compiling and distilling the results from today's exercises," said Peridot, a little pleadingly.

Connie's step faltered for a moment. She hesitated before turning around. "Sorry, ma'am, but I think I need a little space. After being prodded all day... normally I'd want to go curl up inside and read, but I'm afraid I'm going to fry the house's wiring if I do. I think I'll take a walk to the woods on the edge of town and back. Help clear my head."

She turned to Steven and casually reached up, scratching her ear in a manner that looked rather ear-wiggly. "I can walk you back to your house, if you want."

Steven gave a minute nod. "That'd be nice. Oh, uh, bye Peridot, Lapis, Jasper! It was fun! I'll update my power diary later and we can compare notes if you want, miss Peridot."

Peridot was a little caught off guard by the offer. "Um, yes, thank you. You two have a good jaunt."

The pair walked off, Steven asking Connie something involving the words 'Yupper Pupper,' which garnered a nod from the girl.

"The heck you suppose that was about?" asked Lapis.

"I'm not really sure. But, it has been a trying day on her, I'm sure. As to Steven accompanying her, well, he is her peer," answered Peridot.

"He shouldn't be," grumbled Jasper.

Lapis rounded on the Quartz. "About that. What's going on with you and Stevedore, OJ? Because Pinkie’s about as offensive as a harp seal pup offering hugs."

Jasper stooped to gingerly pick up Citrine's shield, taking a moment to gently brush the accumulated sand off the relic. She turned to face Lapis, her expression impassive. "Sometimes he oversteps his bounds."

Before the others could react, she turned and walked toward the temple, saying without turning back, "I'm returning this to its resting place. Then I'm going on patrol. I'll be back before dark."

The green and blue pair watched the Orange gem stride off.

"Man, who tied Tigger's tail in a knot?"

"I'm unsure. I have observed her odd behavior since I reformed forty-nine days previously."

Lapis shrugged. "Whatever. Want some help hauling all this inside? I'll make sure it doesn't rain on us while we’re at it."

Peridot agreed readily. "Yes, that would be most appreciated."

Lapis smirked. "So, you carrying the toaster, or am I?"

"Gnyaaah!"

Chapter 24: So This Is Basically Connie Swap

Chapter by br42, CoreyWW

Summary:

Connie Swap parody in the style of JelloApocalypse's So This is Basically Youtube series.

Notes:

You really should watch the Youtube video before you read this omake.

---

Conniesoup is a Steven Universe fanfic that asks the question "What if instead of Steven as the hero, he was replaced with his infinitely more proactive girlfriend? And instead of the Crystal Gems raising her, we replace them with even worse parental figures?"

Connie is a half-human, half-gem hybrid who has the super power of actually asking questions about things and getting answers, something Steven took, like, 4 seasons to figure out. But to keep the plot from being resolved too quickly, the writers balance this out by breaking Connie emotionally every other sentence.

Parrot Bot is the Pearl of the story since they both like to smother their children. Not literally, but both have enough issues that you should... probably still kinda watch for that.

Lappy-Ritz is the funny but troubled hot one who all the other moms want to bang despite the fact she abandons everyone for long periods of time, then just shows up and cracks jokes like nothing happened, like the episode where Lappy loses Connie at the mall and Lappy goes home and eats donuts.

Rasper is the quiet one who just likes to kill things and has repressed anger issues, which still makes her by far the best parent.

Together they go on fun adventures and collect corrupted Gems and psychological issues Connie will have to go to a therapist about for the whole of her adult life.

Like that time Lappy-Ritz blamed Connie for destroying the Lunar Sea Spire then left to go out for space cigarettes and didn't come back for weeks. Or that time Connie met different parallel versions of herself and watched them painfully dissolve from existance. Or that time she wanted to go to a New Years party and her family went from three moms to two big moms to no moms in the course of a couple hours. (DISCLAIMER: No really, none of those were jokes)

But Connie isn't raised by just three people with issues. No! She isn't raised by five! Does the book count? Is that six?
[picture of the Pearlbook printing the number for CPS while Connie dials on a broken house phone]

Connie's father, Dug, shows us that if you drop out of school, run away from home, and are a stammering dork who's awkward around women, you too can bang a hot demi-goddess and learn kung fu. But Dug's life isn't all nerd wish-fulfillment. After only thirteen short years of abandoning his daughter to be smothered raised by Parrot Bot, Dug realizes he's a terrible father and feels bad about it. Then he starts banging a doctor the Internet has for some reason decided needs all the NSFW art. You have mommy issues, Internet. Get help. #DugFatherOfTheYear2017

Citrus is Connie's mother and she's dead. That or she's watching the world through a yellow window set in Connie's chest. Connie, stop wearing turtlenecks; mommy can't see. Citrus was perfect in every way and anyone who says otherwise gets punched into low Earth orbit by Rasper. Citrus led the rebellion against Harblewarble with the help of Rose Quartz Rasper, her bestest bestie who was in every way better than Rose Quartz other people. She also made everyone promise not to tell Connie anything about her powers because she learned parenting from Dug, and abandonment is how Maheswarans show they care.

Conniesoup teaches us that no matter how bad it gets, with open communication, self-reflection, and patience, even the most troubled of families can get their 13-year-old to do all the work of making everyone else's lives better.
[star wipe on Connie unpacking a mountain of baggage while Dug, Rasper, Lappy-Ritz, and Parrot Bot play video games]

Notes:

CoreyWW and I had waaay too much fun writing this. So much so that CoreyWW made a separate fic --So This is Basically Steven Universe Fanfiction-- where he and I have written more parodies in this style for other Steven Universe fanfics as well. Consider checking it out.

JelloApocalypse has a playlist of his So This is Basically series which, as of the writing of this omake, contains the following entries:

• So This is Basically Steven Universe
• So This is Basically Miraculous Ladybug
• So This is Basically Gravity Falls
• So This is Basically Cowboy Bebop
• So This is Basically Overwatch
• So This is Basically Adventure Time
• So This is Basically Pokemon
• So This is Basically Danny Phantom
• So This is Basically Legend of Zelda
• So This is Basically Rick and Morty
• So This is Basically Star vs. The Forces of Evil

You should check out his stuff if any of that sounds like something you'd enjoy.

Chapter 25: The Lost Episode - BR42 Edition

Chapter by br42

Summary:

After the disastrous New Year's party at the Universe's house, Lapis was gone for more than three months. This is a story of what she was doing for those 99 days.

Notes:

Ever since Lapis made her prolonged departure at the end of Episode 6, we on the Team always intended to tell her story, especially since we planned for her to be gone for so darn long. This became known as The Lost Episode and it's been in the works for a long time. Specifically, MJStudioArts and CoreyWW went and wrote some really great, REALLY INTENSE snippets all the way back in late June/early July. MJ even drew up two pieces of art for the speculated, eventual omake, such was her enthusiasm. However, there was always more to do and deadlines to meet and so The Lost Episode remained lost.

Well, Lapis has come home and our schedule has slowed down, so we really need to un-lose this frickin' episode. And so, following the gap between Ep15Ch1 and Ep15Ch2, I decided to roll up my sleeves and knock it out.

You may have noticed that omake didn't get posted between Ep15Ch1 and Ep15Ch2. So... The Lost Episode, it turns out, is my Swamp Castle.

---

Writing The Lost Episode has genuinely been the hardest experience to date I've had writing Connie Swap prose. I have literally written this episode three times!

The first attempt was me trying to flesh out the story, have it reconcile with the teases and tidbits that arose later after the original snippets were written (i.e. Lapis' list of what she did that she told Connie at the tail-end of Ep14Ch4) while faithfully including the pathos and emotion of Corey and MJ's prose.

It sucked and sank into the swamp I tossed it. I ended up writing the Power Testing: Electricity and Energy Aura omake instead.

After Ep15Ch2 was completed, I double-dog dared myself to get it done FOR REAL this time. I wrote another complete episode, once more trying to faithfully reconcile canon and snippets. The result was... not bad, per se, but the Lapis at the end of that omake didn't bear much resemblance to the Lapis that drove Connie up the walls in Ep14 with her evasive behavior and immaturity.

It was a flawed effort and burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp needed to be scrapped.

So I decided to try a different approach. I looked at the Lapis of Ep14, looked at the list of stuff she told Connie she did, and I started writing. And I liked it. It certainly felt less like sinking into a swamp a flawed effort. I hope you all like it too. However, the end result bears only a slight resemblance to what Corey and MJ wrote, and that's not necessarily a good thing.

But it is a thing.

After a good round of Team talks, the realization I came to was that I'm bad at writing the story the MJ/Corey version represents. I write a LOT of the prose for Connie Swap: happy, sad, silly, angry, dramatic, and irreverent. My slice of that pie chart is more Pac-man than not. But this was somehow my... I wanna say kryptonite but that kinda mixes the metaphors. This was somehow my Blinky, the fast red ghost who relentlessly hunts you down, unlike those losers, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde. And after three full attempts of it, it was time to call it Game Over.

So what we've decided is that this is the BR42 interpretation of The Lost Episode. It is NOT considered 100% canonical... though nor is it completely uncanonical either; again, consider the Pac-man chart on this one. And the others are already working on their own version that'll stay truer to the great prose that got this particular ball rolling in the first place. That version will go up whenever it goes up.

The good news for y'all, our beloved audience, is that you'll be getting two omakes for the price of one. Just keep in mind that this is the BR42 take on things.

Lapis floated listlessly through a crushing void absent all light. She couldn't see. She could hear only the strange noises of the depths. She was encompassed by cold and pressure.

Sometimes Lapis would scream. Sometimes she'd thrash about. However, it wouldn't take long before the water of whatever ocean trench she was hiding in this time started to stir: surrounded as she was by miles of water, Lapis' rage was anything but impotent.

Eventually Lapis would notice what was going on. Memories, more sensation than anything coherent, would flash through her mind: water rushing in vast and terrible surges like a bandsaw chewing through miles of stone, the shockingly loud crackle a landmass makes as it’s swallowed by the sea, the screams of those riding it to the bottom.

Each time she'd reassure herself that she couldn't possibly have heard that last one. Each time she'd find her argument unconvincing.

Then she'd feel a surge of panic, cold shooting up her spine and through her limbs in a way that had nothing to do with the near-freezing temperatures. With a thought, the water would grow sluggish once more and Lapis would float bonelessly, a cerulean corpse miles from air and sun.

Eventually, a timeless eternity later, the body would stir: curl into a ball, scream into the void, grind its teeth, or kick and flail against a past more crushing than any ocean. The waters would wake in turn and then the cycle would repeat.

Cycles.

I'd like to get off this ride, please.

---

It was easy enough for Lapis to force an opening underwater, but it'd be full of vacuum and you can't talk in a vacuum.

It was considerably trickier but it was possible to make a bubble of pressurized water that could swallow a gulp of air from the surface and convey it into the depths; the magical-equivalent of a Bathysphere.

It was a hassle, but it was what she had to do to talk with Murray.

Lapis stood in the middle of her bubble on the damp and slimy deck of a caravel. It was noon overhead and she'd left the ocean trench, so the ambient light was more 'overcast' than 'blacker than the blackest black.' If someone sold a scented candle labeled 'centuries-old shipwreck', you'd only buy it on a dare. But Murray wasn't going to complain and, like a good guest, Lapis kept her opinion to herself.

"It's been, what, twelve years since I visited?"

Murray didn't roll his eyes at her, but she could sense his intent to despite the polite demeanor. He rarely had much patience for her prevarications, which was part of why Lapis liked Murray.

"Okay, yes, it's the same dang thing as last time. And the time before that, and, well, at least I'm consistent, right?" offered Lapis with false cheer.

Lapis could tell Murray was unimpressed, but he flashed her a grin all the same. Good ol' Murray.

"Thing is, I'm pretty sure Connie's gonna remember it this time. Oh, she's not a baby anymore, by the way. Weird, right? I'm mean, pffft, what's the hurry? It doesn't really get better so just, enjoy having Peridot wait on you hand and foot for a while. Kids these days, ya know?"

Murray had some strong opinions about the younger generations, but he didn't let Lapis shift the subject so easily.

"Hey, don't look at me with that tone of voice," Lapis chided. "If you'd never made poor life choices, you wouldn’t be down here too. It's hard out there! The good times end sooner or later but the mistakes stick around forever. Live long enough and that's all you'll have left."

Murray fixed Lapis with a hard stare.

Lapis' hands flew to her mouth. "Oh! That's was insensitive of me wasn't it?" She set her arms akimbo, her chagrin transforming into a scowl meant for him and her both. "Well, that's what ya get with me, Murray. Besides, you were a pirate so you were probably a jerk anyway."

Murray, a skeleton leaning in repose against the caravel's gunwale, made his silent objection.

Lapis sat down beside him, ignoring the muck she was displacing. "I don't care if pirates are cool again, Mur. Depp movies or no, we're both bad people who deserve to be sitting in sea sludge."

Much as he might have wanted to, Murray couldn't argue with that.

---

Lapis and Murray were on the caravel's deck enjoying a long stretch of companionable silence, when a shadow passed overhead.

"Huh. I wonder what that is?" Lapis looked upward, squinting into the aquatic dimness.

"Yes, I know it's a boat, Murray. But I wonder what kind?"

She started to rise when she paused, the corners of her mouth curling into a frown. "Hmm, I dunno. Maybe I should just stay down here. Between the figurative and literal wallowing, my day's pretty booked."

One long moment stretched into two when Lapis rose to her feet, unsteady in the sludge. "Fine, I'll go if it'll shut you up."

Lapis slip-slided out past the edge of the captured air and then shot upward like a bubble late for a meeting on the surface.

All was calm down in the unnatural air pocket. Water trickled in places. A particularly adventurous sea snail ventured up Murray's tibia. There was a faint ripple in the bubble's wall --a tell that meant Lapis was excited about something-- that made the dim light dance across the caravel's deck.

Lapis returned as swiftly as she'd departed, a wide smile on her face. "It's a cruise ship, Murray, and cruise ships mean snacks!"

Murray matched Lapis' grin.

Lapis rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not going to plunder it. You always suggest that. Can’t teach an old sea dog new tricks, eh?” chided Lapis with a smirk.

“No, I'll pay for what I take fair and square." The Blue gem turned the pockets of her cutoff jeans inside out, finding no legal tender. “Somehow,” she added, frowning down at the deck of the ship.

Suddenly an idea lit up her face. "Murray, I'm taking us to lunch and you're buying! Now, buckle up."

The bubble lost cohesion. Air escaped upward and water washed over the deck, sending the sea snail spiraling away on yet another adventure. The caravel slowly stirred, ancient seabed being blasted away in unnatural currents. Murray trembled with excitement as the ship shuddered, rocked, and then rose up, up, up in a reverse of what had happened to it centuries past.

There was a splash, the collective gasp of numerous surprised shuffleboard players, and a blur of blue motion.

Hundreds aboard the cruise ship Eobard watched as the risen wreck was surveyed. Hundreds cheered when stacks of ancient gold were hauled from the hold. Hundreds gawked while lines were tossed over and secured so that the comparatively small caravel could be towed back to civilization, no doubt to be poured over by excited archeologists and historians.

No one noticed when a blue-skinned lady flew away holding a tablecloth like a sack, a sack bulging with as much snack food as it could physically hold.

Under direct sunlight for the first time in centuries, Murray couldn’t help but smile.

---

Fun fact: in space, donuts swell up to giant size, thought Lapis as she sat in a crater on the near side of the Moon, looking up at the starscape and snacking. One-sixth gravity also helps a girl feel slim, she added.

Finishing her treat, Lapis laid back, staring up at the points of light amidst the vast blackness. Without an atmosphere overhead, the stars didn't twinkle, instead shining with an immutable constance.

Without looking away, she idly grabbed another oversized donut and contemplated the distant stars between bites.

Nice to know there are things out there even I can't mess up.

Wiping crumbs from her hands, the debris drifting slowly down to the dusty lunar surface, Lapis turned on her side. She stared, a touch begrudgingly, at the big, blue sphere that dominated her view.

Aaand yup, there's where Lemuria used to be. Honestly, the continent I broke it free from should be thanking me: it's got way more beachfront property than it used to.

The memory of crumbling rocks and screams vied with the memory of a teary-eyed girl and fireworks. Eventually the girl was screaming while the explosions overhead sounded like an avalanche.

Lapis snapped awake with a start, moon dust clinging stubbornly to her cheek.

'Sea of Tranquility' my blue patoot, she mentally grumbled as she staggered to her feet and brushed the powder off her form.

Lapis scarfed two dozen canapés while waiting for the storm of her thoughts to settle. Seeing the tablecloth splayed out in the lunar soil like that reminded her of the times she and Peridot picnicked on the Moon.

Back in the early days, when people like Murray were sailing around in wooden boats and Peridot's robonoids were steampowered.

Lapis smiled wistfully at the pile of food before the mental image of Peridot crying in the Universe family's lawn made her physically recoil.

Right! Enough of that, she thought forcefully, lifting a tray of deviled eggs from the heap. Time to go egg the Diamond Moon Base.

---

Lapis flapped her wings and rose even higher, the thinner air rushing past her still managing to sweep back her blue pigtails.

Right, mental note: stay above sixty thousand feet so I don't get buzzed by aircraft.

She turned and blew a raspberry into her free hand then made a disrespectful gesture at the receding Concorde jet. In her other hand she still clung to her decidedly less-full sack-cum-tablecloth.

Flying along at a little less than eight hundred miles an hour, Lapis was going precisely fast enough to perpetually chase the sunset as the Earth's terminator made its unending race across the globe.

She'd made a couple of laps, the rotating view below doing a good job keep her from thinking about... things. Plus, there's something poetic about chasing something bright but never escaping the darkness behind- No! Bad seat of my consciousness, she thought while reaching back between flaps to give her gemstone a chastising swat.

Hmm, I wonder, if I just flew fast enough, could I actually rewind the planet? It worked for Superman. Just roll back the calendar a few... weeks? Months? How long have I been out? Eh, probably better to dial it back a few centuries to be on the safe side.

The familiar Delmarva coastline rotated into view. There was flicker, subtle but unmistakable if you knew it like Lapis did: the flash of a warp pad seen from above.

A sudden but intense panic gripped Lapis. For a second she tumbled like Icarus after flying too close to the sun. The surety that Peridot or Jasper could see her paralyzed her... with fear or with shame, she couldn't say.

It wasn't the rallying of her self-esteem that freed her. It wasn't her survival instinct screaming about the fast-approaching ground. It wasn't even the rationalization that she was a blue speck against a darkening sky and thus all-but-invisible to the non-Citrine eye.

No, it was the sensation that her sack of stale food was slipping out of her grip while she accelerated to terminal velocity.

She pulled out of her nose dive, changed course, and flew blindly out over the nighttime ocean.

---

“You ALL abandoned Connie! For two gems who fought a war so gems could make their own choices, you all did nothing to support Citrine in hers!” shouted Peridot.

Lapis was trapped. She thrashed and fought and called her water to her but rather than help her escape, it smothered her, dragged her even farther from freedom.

“Every time you and Peridot reach the end of this tiresome cycle, you out-sulk her. She mopes around almost as wrecked as her limb enhancers. You leave her to clean up your mess,” condemned Jasper.

Lapis shouted her defiance to the orange oaf, trying to tell her to mind her own damn business, but that only allowed the water in instead of the words out. Lapis tried to push the water up with muscles, with magic, but nothing worked and it forced its way down her throat.

“Lapis?” said Connie, somewhere, uncertainty. “Lapis. Lapis! Laaapiiis!” she screamed, in tears, in anger, in terror, somehow all at once.

Lapis' eyes shot wide open and she clawed at her throat, bubbles escaping her lips. There was water rippling overhead and for the first time in her life...

...she felt like she was drowning.

In a panicked moment, she hurled the water away, feeling it rocket out of her mouth almost hard enough to destabilize her. The seabed lay exposed for half a mile, a wave a hundred feet high fleeing toward the horizon.

Lapis took a deep breath of sea air and took stock of her surroundings. She was on an island --she didn't know the name and wasn't even completely sure what ocean it was in-- and had fallen asleep on the beach. She'd had a nightmare, had made the water rise about ten feet above the high tide line, and thus woke up staring at the sky through six-inches of seawater.

Her panic had done the rest.

She relaxed her mental grip and the ocean filled back in with a roar and a spray. Still, wherever this place was, it was remote, Lapis had been sure of that. No real harm done.

This time.

Lapis staggered up the beach to her bundle of foodstuff. Some part of her must have known the score because she'd hung it from a tree before taking her nap. It had thus been spared her little waterbed episode.

She set it on the sand and followed it down with a flop, reaching in and shoving whatever she'd grabbed into her mouth without looking to see what it was first. It didn't really matter, anyway: it was all terminally stale, damaged by vacuum and wind, salted by the sea breeze, and powdered with moon dust. It tasted like Lapis felt.

Regolith, corrected Peridot's voice in Lapis' head.

"Wuh?" she asked around a mouthful of... something.

It's called regolith, Lazuli. I may be new to this planetary system, but I know loose, heterogeneous superficial materials covering solid rock anywhere, the memory of Peridot said while the two of them were picnicking on the Moon, talking over Peridot's dorky steampunk headsets.

Why do you even make this stuff? asked memory-Lapis, prodding the helm. You're not a gear in Homeworld's clock anymore so you don't have to spend your days molesting machines.

First, I object to your verb choice. Ersatz robonoids aside, my machines are incapable of holding opinions, and even if they were, I am a very gentle and attentive engineer, thank you very much.

Lapis, sitting in the sand next to a bag of food well past its prime, chuckled at the memory.

Second, I continue to create because I choose to, rather than being compelled. It's hard not being able to employ the fullness of my skillset, though quite necessary given the deleterious effects an active Kindergarten would have on the Earth. The retrograde nature of the material I have to work with is exasperating, to say nothing of the bewildering nature of- I digress, apologized the Peridot figment after getting adorably wound up.

The green memory looked a little abashed, one hand-equivalent wrapped around her arm when she spoke again. My point being, I create because I find it a necessary palliative from being denied my... former purpose.

"I hear ya, P. Earth is one big tea shop and I'm the bull tiptoeing through it. It's..." Lapis trailed off. A second passed, she blinked, and realized she was sitting in sand, not moon dust (regolith). She'd actually been speaking to no one while actually hiding on an island somewhere, actually eating... She looked down. A sandwich, maybe? Regardless, this lapse in lucidity was probably a bad sign.

"You made stuff to keep it together, Periberry? Maybe I should give it a go," she announced to the air as she stood up and dusted herself off. She strode forward, casually tossing the maybe-sandwich over her shoulder.

A second later, Lapis ran back and did what she could to resuscitate what could possibly have been a reuben on rye. That task accomplished, she set the offended foodstuff gingerly inside the bag, then sheepishly hung that bag back up in its tree.

Then she strode forward confidently down the beach, shoulders back and head held high.

---

The lump of sand and sticks could, if you squinted and were very broad-minded, be considered person-shaped. It seemed to look up at her through its crude sticks-as-glasses with an expression of being profoundly unimpressed.

Lapis frowned and tapped her chin with her finger. "Ah!" she exclaimed. Picking up a piece of flotsam, she scratched the letters 'C-O-N-N-I-E' in the sand in front of the figure.

"No, that just makes it more pathetic. I’ll just have to start over. I can’t talk about deep and important feelings to a lump of sand."

The "glasses" fell off the lumpy figure, as if to punctuate her point.

---

The island was doused in rain, but the droplets that would have landed near where Lapis was working spontaneously swerved away. These formed sheets of water that crashed to the ground, leaving rivulets running a dozen feet to either side of the gem as the diverted water made its way down to the surf.

In her little pocket of dry, Lapis worked, talking with the sandy facsimile that was slowly taking shape.

"So I said, 'Doug, I don't know how, I don't know why, but you're literally the first non-yellow person I've ever met who's made Jasper be less of an ass. You're aces in my book! Now, let's go try out that new donut place down the beach, my treat.'"

She took a step back to admire her work. It looked more like a snowman than a teenager, but it was a vast improvement over the previous... twelve? Twenty?

Resuming her sculpting, Lapis answered an unasked question. "The money? Oh, someone dropped their wallet. Those tourists just don't know how to handle the sight of a blue and green duo rollerblading down the boardwalk. Eh, it was the early 2000’s and rollerblades were still a big deal. 'Course your dad had to eventually go and ruin a good thing by getting Citrine knocked up and, needless to say, the donuts have been on him ever since."

Lapis tried to press a shiny yellow shell she'd found into the figure's chest but this caused the top to unbalance, the head falling backwards off the shoulders and smooshing into the sand below.

"If you wanted me to change the subject, you could have just said," drawled Lapis.

---

The sand-Connie, or Sandie as she'd taken to calling the long chain of creations, stared back at Lapis with near photo-realistic features. The gem had even fashioned a skirt for Sandie out of the long-empty table cloth.

Lapis fidgeted nervously under Sandie's gaze.

“So... Uh... You have questions, I’m sure. I'm sure you've asked Peri or even Jasper or Doug, though I shudder to think what those two would say. If you beat the sh-uh-snot out of those two, there wouldn't be much left over," she grumbled.

Sandie waited for her to compose herself.

"Oh, right. What I mean is, if you can find it in you to, maybe... I mean, sure Jasper made things worse with all her Hiddenite-baiting, but-"

Lapis blew out a long breath, her shoulders slumping. "Jeez, this is tough. Maybe it's because I botched the hair. Sandie #94 had great hair and I've just never been able to..."

Lapis' hand was halfway to toppling Sandie to begin sculpting her anew when it stopped, then fell dejectedly at her side. It hung there for a time before clenching into a fist.

"Come on! 'Connie, I suck, everyone and everything around me gets eroded to ruin because of constant exposure to my suckitude, and you and everyone else are probably better off if I just stay on this damn ISLAND!’ Why is that so hard to say?!" she decried.

Lapis paced in a circuit around Sandie, counting on her fingers as she went. "One: I'm, like, broken. Not cracked or shattered, just, all the happiness leaks out of me, but the regrets? Those stay. Two: Jasper is a headcase, Doug is a murderer, and Peridot has been around the rest of us so long she's held together about as well as those limb enhancers of hers. Three: It's not too late for you! Just, I dunno, go be awesome somewhere away from the toxic hole that is that temple. And four... four..."

The gem sank to her knees, coincidentally standing where Sandie could face her. "Four is that you're not here and I’m talking to a statue with stupid hair. Seriously, what did I do with #94 that made it work so well?!"

She stayed knelt there for a while. Finally she blew out a long, slow breath. "Look, real-talk, Sandie. My inner demons are scary and, after umpteen thousand years, they've dug in deep. They're not going anywhere and neither of us are changing that, no matter how good I make your hair."

A weak smirk crossed her face. "Besides, it's been a couple of months now, at least. I bet the others are worried sick about me. Plus, what the heck are those donut kids doing without me to keep Doug keeping them in business? Why, it’d be downright irresponsible of me to stay away."

She got up, ignoring the sand on her knees and cutoff jeans, and sucked in a lungful of air. "Yeah, time to get on back, hug the heck out of everyone, and catch up on all the new mangas I've been missing. Plus, anymore rebuilding and Sandie's gonna have grounds to file a restraining order against me, am I right?" she asked, flashing Sandie a cheeky grin.

"Thanks, Sandie. You're a real pal.”

She leaned in close, her voice conspiratorial, “If anyone asked, we had this whole deep and meaningful talk that ended with me seeing the error of my ways.”

Lapis pulled back and looked around. “I hereby name this flyspeck bit of sand 'Sandie Island' in your honor. May you rule it well in my stead," she said just before summoning her wings and launching herself skyward. The motion sent Sandie's skirt fluttering.

Time to go home, she thought giddily as Sandie Island receded from view.

Oh, and note to self: smuggle some donuts to Murray in whatever museum he’s wound up in, she added as she winged across the sky.

Chapter 26: Crossing Over - Chapter 1

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Connie and Steven are goofing off together when something strange happens to Steven. This marks the start of an adventure unlike any Connie has had before.

Notes:

Note from BR42: This fic is written by TexasAndroid, a talented fanfic writer and fan of Connie Swap who contacted us about this omake through the Connie Swap Discord. They don't currently have an AO3 account, which is why they aren't listed above as the author. Let me state for the record that this was TexasAndroid's creation, not mine. The most I did was some proofreading and editing.

This fic is actually multiple chapters long and one chapter will be added to the Omake Collection each week, per TexasAndroid's request. So consider this yet another fun thing to look forward to on Wednesdays.

“So.  If you’re gonna be a superhero, you’ll need a number of things,” Steven began.  “You’ll need a superhero name, a costume, a catchphrase…”

“Steven, I’m not a superhero,” responded Connie.

“I sure think you are, but even if you don’t think so, it’s still fun to think about it.”

Connie chuckled.  “Ok, Steven.  Where do you want to start?”

The two were slowly walking along the beach, heading vaguely in the direction of the Beach House.

“Hmm,”  mused Steven.  "Well, let’s start with the name.  I guess that sets the tone for the rest.”

“Yeah,”  Connie replied.  “Hmm.  Well the simplest would be to just use my gem name. Citrine.”

“ Too simple.  How about Force Field Girl?”

Connie gave him an odd stare.  “What kind of name is that?"

“Yeah, I guess it’s kinda stupid.  Hmmm.  What else?  Maybe something to play off of your gem.  Gemini?”

“Wouldn’t I kinda need a twin for that one?”

“Yeah.  Ok.  Gemini doesn’t work.”  He looked thoughtful.  “How about playing off of Wolf?  Gem Wolf… Yellow Wolf…. Golden Wolf…”

“Ooooh.  I like Golden Wolf as an idea, but it doesn’t quite roll for me as a superhero name,” Connie responded.

“Ok.  How about changing the language of it then?  That’s always a good way to make a superhero name sound more shnazzy.” He pulled out his smartphone and started tapping at it.

Connie chuckled.  “Is ‘schnazzy’ even a word?”

Steven briefly stuck his tongue out at her, then resumed tapping at his phone.  “Ok.  Golden Wolf comes out as Lobo Dorado in Spanish, Lupus Auream in Latin, Okami-kin in Japanese...”

“Hmm.  I like Okami-kin, but how about Tanka Onay?  That’s it in Tamil,”  mused Connie.

“Nice one.  Yeah.  Bringing it into Tamil plays well to your heritage.”  He thought for a few moments, then nodded.  “Okay.  Superhero name, check.  Let’s think of a catchphrase next…”

---

Steven may not have been the most focused person under normal circumstances, but when the subject was about superheroes, the Crystal Gems, or (as in this case) both, he attacked the topic with a kind of affable unstoppability. It was one of several hidden depths to the boy that Connie had stumbled upon.

Catchphrases; outfits; hypothetical nemeses; dramatic turns; Tanka Onay was ready to take the comic world by storm even if her real-life persona was still learning the ropes of this heroing business.

As Connie was sitting on a dry stretch of sand pondering the merit of a predominantly yellow jumpsuit (and maybe a cape), Steven was nearby writing down the results of their discussion. Partway through a rough sketch of the Tanka Onay insignia that would one day emblazon the outfit and secret team rings, Steven noticed something curious occurring.

“Uhhh…. Connie?   Something is happening.”

Connie looked up at Steven.  He was holding his hand up and it was… glowing.

The glow began to expand, quickly spreading across his body.  First up his arm, then spreading across his body.  “Connie?  What’s happening to….” his voice was cut off as the glow spread over his face.

By now the glow was covering his entire body, and still growing brighter.  It became almost too bright to look at.  Suddenly the glowing figure crumpled to the ground, and the glow quickly faded.

“Steven!” Connie exclaimed and rushed over to make sure he was ok.  He was definitely still breathing, but appeared to be unconscious.  She could also see that there were a number of things… off about him.  The biggest was his hair.  Steven’s hair was much shorter than it had been just a few moments before.  Shorter than she had ever seen on him.  Also, his hearing aids were missing.  Those were not the only things different, but it was by far the most dramatic ones.

There was one more difference that she did not see.  That could not be seen because it was hidden beneath his shirt. Right about where his navel should have been, was a largish gemstone.  A gemstone whose rose-pink glow was just now fading out.

---

10 minutes earlier, and a multiverse away...

Steven just stared at the screen as the credits rolled.  That was… different.  Despite the crying, “Crying Breakfast Friends” was usually fairly lighthearted.  This season finale had been downright dark, actually, with the Angry Lunch Enemies having taken over the kitchen, and several of the Friends left in precarious positions.  If he didn't know better he’d have thought it was some weird fanfiction.  But no, it was canon.  And now he had to wait who knows how long before the new season started and he got to find out what happened next.  He sighed deeply.  

Steven stood and slowly walked over to the fridge, his mood quite subdued by the whole thing.  How could they take such a fun show and make it so serious all of the sudden?

As he opened the fridge to grab something to drink, he glanced over at the warp pad.  The Gems should be getting back soon.  Steven had begged out of the exploration mission in order to watch his show.  Some ancient desert gem-temple in the Sahara that had recently shown unexpected signs of life.  The Gems might be immune to the heat, but he wasn’t.  Yeah, he could have dressed light, but when you combined that with it being the day of the season finale, it just seemed doubly good to ask to stay behind.  

Just as Steven closed the fridge, a glass of juice in hand, the warp pad began to activate. Right on cue , he thought to himself.

As the lights over the warp pad faded, the figures of the three Crystal Gems came into view.

“Well that was a total waste of time,” griped Amethyst.

“Not true, Amethyst,”  said Pearl.  “We now know that there was nothing threatening happening there.  That’s always a good thing to know.”

“So there was nothing there?” asked Steven.

“Oh there was something there all right.  Sand,” responded Amethyst  “The temple was almost buried in it.  But there was nothing happening inside.  No gem-monsters, no guardian machines, not even a single crystal-bat.”  Amethyst plopped herself down in the middle of the couch.  “I was all ready for smashing some monsters, but no luck.”

Garnet sat down on the right side of the couch, and Steven walked over to the left side, setting down his juice on the end table before sitting down on the couch himself, still nowhere near his normal energetic self.

“So why did we have to go again, Garnet?” asked Amethyst.

“I’m actually not exactly sure,” responded Garnet.  “I just know that we had to go.  And I can still feel that, whatever the reason we needed to go, we haven’t completed what we need to do.  But the exact details are far murkier than they normally are.”

Amethyst let out an exasperated sigh.  “Don’t tell me we have to go back again?”

“No. We don’t. It’s just... something is supposed to happen, and it still hasn’t happened.”  Garnet looked uncharacteristically puzzled.

Amethyst looked askance at Steven.  “And you are being unusually quiet, short-stuff.  What’s got you all gloomy?”

Steven looked up at Amethyst sitting beside him.  “Nothing of huge importance, I guess.  Just... my show wasn’t at all what I was expecting, so it’s got me a bit out of sorts.”

Amethyst looked thoughtful.  “I think I know what would cheer you up.  Pearl!  Could you make him some pancakes?  And make me a few as well.”

“You sure you’re not just looking for an excuse to get me to make some for you?”  Pearl barbed back lightly.

“Absolutely not, Pearl.  This request is totally for Steven.”  Amethyst turned and winked conspiratorially at Steven.

Steven had to suppress a giggle despite his mood.  It was hard to stay grumpy when Amethyst was being silly.

Garnet, still sitting on the other end of the couch from Steven, seemed to be watching everything that was happening closely.  Far more than would normally be expected at a simple family gathering.

Pearl rolled her eyes.  “Fine.  Two orders of pancakes coming up.”  She grabbed an apron from a hook on the wall and headed towards the kitchen area.

Amethyst turned back to Steven, the glint of mischief still in her eyes.  “By the way, Steven, I found something for you.  Maybe this’ll also help cheer you up.”  She pulled out an object not much larger than a soda can.  It was shaped like a small football, and was mostly of a pinkish color.  But the most striking thing about it was the white rose design across the side of the object.  It wasn’t quite his mother’s crest, but the resemblance was unmistakable.

“I found it just sitting in a corner of one of the rooms in the desert temple.”

Garnet’s attention was locked fast on Amethyst at this point, though she made no movement to interfere.  Pearl, on the other hand, from the kitchen registered what Amethyst was saying, and spun to look.

“Amethyst!  What do you mean you found some…” before she could finish her thought, Amethyst was lightly tossing the object to the boy beside her.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl.  The object arced through the air, giving Pearl and Garnet good views of it, and the crest on its side.  “No!!!” Pearl managed to get out, but there was no time for her to react, being on the opposite side of the room.  Garnet made absolutely no movement, instead watched the object with absolute attention.

Steven easily reached up and grabbed the object as it arced gently through the air to him.  “What is it, Amethyst?” he asked.

Pearl was starting to race across the room.  She barely got a few steps.

The object started to glow in Steven’s hands.  “That’s strange,” he observed.  Underneath his shirt it could be seen that his gem was starting to glow as well.  The glow quickly spread, spreading out from his gem and at the same time spreading down his arm from the hand that held the object.  Within a span of a second or two he was totally enveloped in the light.  The light quickly became almost too bright to look directly at.

Amethyst covered her eyes, being right beside the light source.  Pearl was trying to desperately cross the room, but was much too far away to have any effect on the situation.  Garnet, with her visor down, never looked away even for a moment.

The glowing figure sank back down into the couch.  As the glow faded, the figure lost its grip on the object, which rolled across the floor, coming to a stop at Pearl’s feet. Pearl stopped as she realized that she was too late.  Too slow.  A stunned look on her face, she reached down to pick up the object.

“And that,” spoke Garnet matter of factly, “was what needed to happen.”

“Guys?” spoke Amethyst, who was looking intently at Steven’s unconscious form.  “I don’t quite know how to say this, but it doesn’t quite look like Steven.  I mean, it’s Steven, but it’s not him as well.”

“Check on his gem,”  Garnet said softly.

Amethyst pulled up his shirt a little, and all three gems looked in shock at the normal, human-looking belly button, with no sign of the gem.

Garnet stood and walked over to a still stunned Pearl, holding out her hand.  Pearl, in an almost automatic motion, handed the object over to Garnet.  The object stayed inert.

Garnet nodded.  “Just as I thought.  It’ll only react to Rose’s gem.”

Amethyst whirled towards Garnet.  “What the heck is going on here, Garnet?”

Garnet shook her head.  “I don’t really know.  But I can tell two things.”  She stepped over to Steven.  “One, this is Steven, but not our Steven.  When he wakes up we need to keep him calm.  He’ll be as confused as we are.”

“And the second thing?” asked Amethyst.

“Wherever our Steven has gone, it’s up to him to find his own way home.  There is nothing we can do to help him at this point.”

 

Notes:

Author note:  This omake is set at an undetermined future point in the Connie Swap timeline.  It is non-canon, and is written with no knowledge of planned future Connie Swap plotlines.  But it incorporates some story elements that are logical things that are IMHO almost certain to happen eventually in the Connie Swap plotline.

 

From the Canon-U POV, this is set somewhere before the homeworld/trial story arc, but not too long before it.

Chapter 27: Crossing Over - Chapter 2

Chapter by br42

Notes:

Note from BR42: Once more, let me state that this fic is written by TexasAndroid, a fine fanfic writer who, at least at the time of this posting, does not have an AO3 account of their own. All I did was some proofreading and editing.

Per the author's wishes, Chapter 3 will go up on Wednesday, November 15th.

“Jasper!” Connie yelled as she burst through the front door of the Beach House.

“Steven just collapsed down on the beach. I need you to bring him back up here quickly so that we can figure out what has happened to him.” Jasper just nodded, and smashed through the (not at all open) window before heading all the way down to the beach in a single jump. She quickly scooped up the still form from the beach and jumped back up to the Beach House, entering through the same (now smashed) window through which she had exited. She laid Steven out on the couch, before crossing the room and resumed leaning against the wall.

“Thanks, Jasper,” Connie said to the large gem. She was at Steven’s side moments after Jasper put him down. He was still breathing just fine, but he had not yet awoken.

Lapis came over to join Connie. “What’s going on Con-con? You said something about him collapsing?”

Connie nodded. “He just suddenly started glowing, then he collapsed.”

Lapis frowned. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but he doesn’t normally do that, right? Glowing, I mean.”

Connie gave Lapis a slightly exasperated look. “No, glowing is definitely not something that Steven normally does.” She frowned. “But you know that, and are just pulling my leg, right?”

“Yuppers.”

Connie rolled her eyes. “But it’s more than that. He’s...changed somehow.”

Lapis frowned. “Changed? What do you mean by that?”

“His hair for one thing. Steven loves his hair. And in a matter of seconds while he was glowing, it’s almost all gone. He was wearing his ears, like normal, but they’re now gone as well. But it’s more than that. Both of those are things that could have just happened. But I also think that he’s actually gotten… shorter. And that’s just not something that happens to humans.”

“Nor do they tend to glow,” quipped Lapis.

“No, they don’t.”

The door to the temple rooms whooshed, and Peridot came out into the Beach House. “Okay. What’s going on that has you all so noisy out here?” She spotted the destroyed window. “And I see that Jasper has been redecorating… again.” Her eyebrows twitched.

“Something very strange is happening with Steven, ma’am,” said Connie.

“Is it? Hmm. That’s odd. Nothing strange ever happens around here.”

“Not you too. This is a serious situation, and you and Lapis keep making jokes.”

“Very well, dear. Joking aside, what happened?” asked Peridot.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. The two of us were down on the beach talking, when Steven suddenly started to glow. Then he collapsed. But even more concerning is that he’s changed.”

Peridot nodded. “Okay. First things first, let’s get a scan of him.” Her finger enhancers moved out and passed up and down over his body before heading back to their owner. Peri started looking over the output, her face growing more puzzled as she did. “Hmm. That can’t be right. Connie, can you please step back from him. I think I somehow got you in that scan as well. The range on the scanners is acting up, again, I think.”

Connie nodded and stepped away from Steven. Peridot’s finger enhancers once again flew their scan pattern over Steven before returning to their mistress. She resumed looking through the data, her frown deepening as she did.

---

Steven groaned, opened his eyes, and started to try to sit up on the couch.

“Steven!” came Connie’s voice, and she rushed over to his side.

“When did you get here, Connie? And what happened? The last thing I remember was starting to glow.”

“That’s what we are all trying to figure out. You started glowing, then you collapsed. You’ve been unconscious for several minutes,” replied Connie, now back at his side.

Steven sat up, rubbing his forehead. “Yeah. I remember seeing myself glow, but I don’t remember collapsing.”

He looked around a bit, starting to frown. Amethyst, Garnet, and Pearl were nowhere to be seen. Instead Lapis was standing a bit off to the side, frowning slightly. She was dressed in an outfit that Steven had never seen her wear before. And Peridot was standing a few feet away, frowning heavily and tapping away at a small viewscreen on one of her limb enhancers. Which was very odd, since her enhancers had been destroyed quite a while back. How had she gotten them back? They appeared to be held together with… duct tape? Maybe she had at some point gone and salvaged parts of them. And why was she sporting a new hairstyle? Steven stared at Peridot, as she was tapping at the screen, her frown continuing to deepen. Steven could hear her muttering things about “impossible data”.

Steven looked up at Connie. “Connie? How long was I out? Because I think something very strange is going on. Where did the other gems get to?”

“Other gems? Steven, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

Steven was starting to get a very bad feeling about this all. Something was very wrong here.

Steven stood, facing Connie. “Connie, please tell me that you’re joking. You don’t remember the Crystal Gems?”

Connie’s eyes were growing wider. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Steven. The Crystal Gems are all right here.” She made a motion that encompassed the whole large room, prompting Steven to follow her motion with his eyes across the whole room. And this caused Steven to spot the third of the gems, standing quietly in a corner of the room all along. Jasper. Steven and Jasper’s eyes locked together.

“Jasper?” Steven said, not much more than a whisper, and echos of dread dripping from the name. Steven took a couple of steps to put himself between Connie and Jasper. “Connie, stay behind me.” Still not very loud, but louder than moments before. He had his hand down at about a 45 degree angle from his body, palm facing Connie behind him in a “stay back” motion.

Addressing the warrior gem, he spoke firmly now. “Jasper, what are you doing here?”

---

Jasper was quite puzzled by the question. “I live here. I’m not on patrol. Where else would I be?”

Jasper began to casually cross the room.

As she got about halfway across the room she saw Steven drop into a defensive fighting stance. Which was strange, because Jasper was not aware of Steven having been trained in fighting in that way.

Jasper sighed, and began to turn towards the temple door. She had no idea why her presence was upsetting Steven, but if she was a cause of friction, it was likely best if she just headed to her room and removed herself from the situation.

Except right at that moment Steven did something that totally changed the situation. Something totally impossible. He materialized a gem-shield on his arm, holding it in a position to protect himself.

And not just any shield. One that Jasper knew all too well. For the shield was emblazoned with a crest that Jasper recognized well. The symbol of the traitor, Rose Quartz.

“Rose” Jasper growled, hatred dripping from the name. She dropped into a defensive stance of her own. Jasper had no idea how, but if the Steven was manifesting the shield of Rose Quartz, the threat level had just risen sky-high.

---

Seeing Jasper brought back the memories of the last time they had met. And how he had failed her. Steven had no idea how she was out of her bubble, or how she was apparently clear of the corruption. But as dangerous as this situation was, he could see it offering another chance to redeem Jasper.

“Jasper! We don’t have to fight! I never wanted to fight you in the first place”

“Traitor!” Jasper growled, and looked to be about to go into a spin-ball attack, right there in the middle of the Beach House. Steven tensed up behind his shield and prepared to deflect Jasper.

“STOP THIS!!” came a loud voice from behind Steven. “Both of you!” Steven saw two yellow-shimmering force fields slam down between him and Jasper, one right in front of each of them. A glance over his shoulder confirmed that the voice was Connie’s. And she had a hand out in a position that made it pretty obvious that she was the one who had placed the force fields.

Jasper stopped prepping for her spin attack, and gave the force field in front of her a punch, obviously far from full power. It appeared to be more an expression of frustration. But she otherwise made no attempt to breach the field. Nor did she try to walk around the field, as she easily could have done. She was actually listening to Connie, and Connie’s words were calming her down. On the other hand, at no point did Jasper stop glaring angrily at Steven.

“Connie? How did you… What the heck is going on here?” Steven asked in confusion.

Connie shook her head, just as confused. “Jasper, can you please promise to not attack Steven, at least until we can figure out for certain whether or not he’s an enemy?”

Jasper gave a growl of frustration, but took a number of steps back, resuming her position standing in the far corner of the room. But she kept her eyes trained fully on Steven. Connie took that as acceptance of her request.

Connie turned to Steven. “Please put the shield away. I don’t think you need it anymore, and it’s unnecessarily inflaming the situation.” Steven nodded, and the shield evaporated. He was now looking at Connie in a different light. Beyond the fact that she had just generated force fields, taking control like this was a good bit beyond what he would have expected from her. And now that he really looked, there were a few visual cues that were… different about Connie.

Connie turned to the green gem. “Peri? You scanned him earlier. Now would be a really good time for some answers.”

Peridot had looked up from her monitor a few moments earlier at Connie’s shout, and obviously seen that the situation had gotten tense. The tension had lessened slightly, with Connie having some success at taking control of the situation, but it was far from calm.

Peridot nodded. “Okay. First off, Steven manifesting an obvious gem weapon-shield tells me that what my data earlier was telling me is not a misreading somehow. I have a theory, that I’ll get to in a moment, but the data shows quite clearly, that Steven is a gem/human hybrid, just like you are, Connie.”

Steven nodded. “Of course I am. What I don’t know is how that is a surprise to you, Peri.” Suddenly the rest of what Peridot said registered. “Hold on. What do you mean, ‘just like Connie’?”

Steven gave a questioning look at Connie, who just reached up and pulled the top of her shirt down a couple of inches, revealing the top inch or so of her yellow gemstone.

Steven stared in shock for a few moments. “Okay. That’s new. Umm. Before I return the favor…” he looked over to Jasper on the far side of the room. “If my shield got that reaction from Jasper, then I think that my gem might do the same. Jasper, can you promise not to react?”

Jasper grunted in frustration, but then nodded ever so slightly.

Steven reached down and pulled his own shirt up far enough to reveal his gemstone in its entirety.

Lapis whistled from where she was standing. “Yeah, that’s the Rose Quartz all right.” Jasper rumbled a little from across the room, but a brief glare from Connie settled her down.

Steven nodded. “Yeah. Rose Quartz is my mom. Was my mom,” he corrected himself.

Connie spoke softly. “My mom was called Citrine.”

Peridot spoke up again. “Steven, may I please scan you again? I mentioned I have a theory, and I think that if I do a very specific scan, I can confirm or deny that theory.” Steven looked at Peridot for a few moments, then nodded.

The finger enhancers flew from Peridot over to Steven and briefly buzzed around him. They then returned to Peridot, who quickly pushed a couple of buttons and got a small piece of paper to print from an arm enhancer. A quick glance at the paper, and Peridot nodded.

“Just as I suspected. They’re fading rapidly, but Steven is giving off a fairly decent amount of dimensional tachyon particles.” She stopped, as if that was enough to make the situation perfectly clear ot the rest. After a few moments when it was obviously not enough, Peridot sighed.

“Steven has very recently, no doubt when he glowed and collapsed, been traveling between dimensions. Given his confusion at facts that are commonplace to us, and the differences about Steven himself, I think it’s safe to postulate that this Steven is from another dimension. A dimension where events have somehow played out differently, and it’s Steven who is the human-gem hybrid of the Crystal Gems, not Connie.”

“I’m from another dimension?” Steven mused. “How is that even possible?”

Peridot shook her head. “Sorry. Interdimensional theory isn’t within the scope of my usual expertise. I’m more an engineer than a scientist. But I do know some of the very basics of the theory. It’s theorized that there may be an infinite number of dimensions out there, some very similar to ours, others vastly different. And in the more similar ones, there will theoretically be dimensions where the path of history has diverted slightly, and others where it has diverted much further. But it’s possible that, if you traced back far enough, you would reach a point where their histories were the same. I won’t go into any details, mostly because it would upset Jasper and Lapis, but I’ll say that, if your dimension and ours share a common history at any point, it is likely at least several thousand years in the past. There’s no way I can imagine that you could possess that gem if the diversion point was any more recent.”

Steven sighed and dropped back onto the couch. “Garnet? I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”

---

The next half hour was spent with Peridot doing numerous additional scans of Steven.

“Okay,” spoke Peridot. “As far as I can tell, Steven was most likely created in almost exactly the same way as Connie. Comparing my scans of him to the scans I’ve made of Connie over the years, everything about Connine that I would associate with her nature as a hybrid, I find in Steven as well. I’ll say that this is definitely valuable data, helping to establish that certain things are natural to her… their… nature, and not just quirks unique to one or the other of them.”

She continued. “Of course there are plenty of differences. They are different gems, for one thing, and Steven’s human parts are male, with all the differences that normally brings to humans.”

Steven blushed a bit.

Steven appeared to think of something. “Peridot? What do you think happened to your Steven?”

Peridot looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, there’s absolutely no way to be sure at this point, but I would expect you two just swapped places. I do hope you were not in the middle of any sort of dangerous mission when you came here.”

Steven shook his head. “Not unless you count being disappointed over a TV show dangerous.” He grinned. “No, I was sitting on the couch, chatting with the Crystal Gems of my world, who had just returned from a mission.”

Peridot nodded. “And that does bring up another interesting point. How did this happen? What could have triggered such a bizarre event as a trans-dimensional exchange like this?”

Steven looked thoughtful. “Actually, I’ve got a pretty good idea what caused it. Amethyst brought back an artifact of some sort,” and he gave a brief description of the object. “She said it reminded her of me when she found it, and tossed it to me to try to cheer me up.”

Peridot looked very surprised. “You mean one of your gems tossed you an artifact of unknown power, unknown nature? Goodness. I thought some of us were irresponsible, but that….”

Steven grinned. “Yeah, that’s Amethyst for you. Anyway, as soon as I caught the artifact, it started glowing, and the glow spread across me from it. Then everything went white, and the next thing I remember is waking up here.”

Steven looked around. “Speaking of that artifact, you didn’t happen to see it, did you? It might be my way home.”

Connie shook her head. “We were down on the beach when it happened, but I didn’t see anything like you described. We can check, but I don’t think it came with you.”

“Hmm. Well that’s not good,” said Steven.

Everyone fell silent, all apparently lost in their own thoughts.

After about five minutes, Conne spoke up. “I think I just figured out how to solve one of our issues.” All eye turned to her. “Peridot. All gems have multiples. I mean, there are multiple Peridots, multiple Citrines, multiple Jaspers, and so on, right?”

“Yes dear. That is basically true, though there are a very small number of exceptions,” Peridot replied.

“And there are multiple Rose Quartz in the galaxy, right?” Several people in the room tensed slightly at the mention of the name.

“Yes, I would expect so. Not a lot, as it’s a very specialized gem, but there was nothing about it that was designed to be unique…” She trailed off, and grinned. “I think I see where you are going with this.”

Connie turned to Jasper. “Jasper, whatever happened in the past with a single Rose Quartz gem, Steven is not that gem. He’s from an entirely different freaking dimension, for goodness sake. You would not blame all Peridots for the actions of a single one. Can you please accept that this Steven is a different gem from the Rose that you hate so much?”

Jasper looked thoughtful. “It’s a different way to look at it, but it make sense. Very well. I can accept that this Rose is not the traitor.”

Steven’s face was split with a huge grin. He bounced to his feet. “And I can accept that Jasper here is not the same gem as the gem I encountered on my world.” He crossed the room towards where Jasper stood, and held out his hand, his neck craned way back to look up at the much larger gem. “Peace?”

Jasper stared down at him for a few moments before she nodded slightly and extended her own hand down to him.

Connie sighed and sat back down on the couch. “I wish all today’s problems were that easily solved.” Steven returned to his spot on the couch.

Lapis spoke up from where she was standing. “Well, I think I have an idea about the other big issue: sending this Steven home and getting our Steven back.” All eyes now turned to her.

She walked casually over towards the couch. “Steven. You said you think an artifact sent you here. If the artifact did not cross over with you, maybe there’s a version of it existing in this dimension.”

Several people thoughtfully nodded their heads. Peridot spoke up “Nice thinking, Lapis.”

Steven nodded as well. “Yeah. But the problem is finding it.”

“Tell me where they found it,” Lapis asked.

“Hmm. That’s the tricky part. I didn’t actually go with them on the mission that brought it back.”

“Still, describe what you do know,” Lapis responded. “I’m something of an expert on gem-ruins on this planet. Self-taught, for the most part, but still. Tell me what you know, and we’ll see if it’s enough for me to figure out where they found it.”

Steven looked to go deep in thought. “Hmmm. Well… Amethyst said it was in a desert. She said it was almost buried in sand.” He continued to search his memories. “Oh! They did mention the Sahara. That narrows it down, at least a little.”

Lapis now looked thoughtful. “That’s still millions of square miles, but it definitely narrows it down compared to the entire world. Off the top of my head I can think of at least five different gem ruins in the Sahara. I think I know which one is most likely it, but even if it’s not, searching five ruins will be a lot easier than searching the entire world’s worth of them.”

Steven grinned. “Road trip?”

Lapis nodded. “Yeah, but best not do it today. It’s getting late. I’d say first thing in the morning.”

At the mention of bedtime, both Connie and Steven started to walk towards the loft. They paused when they were each nearing the stairs up.

“Oh right,” said Connie, rubbing the back of her neck, “I guess you’re used to sleeping up there too.”

The pair of teens stared at one another for a beat until a smile spread across Steven’s face and he gestured towards the living room. “Gem-hybrid slumber party?” he asked, his voice rising to a question at the end.

Connie laughed. “Deal; I’ll get my sleeping bag. Now, tell me, what is your opinion on pillow forts?”

Chapter 28: Crossing Over - Chapter 3

Chapter by br42

Notes:

Note from BR42: Once more, let me state that this fic is written by TexasAndroid, a fine fanfic writer who, at least at the time of this posting, does not have an AO3 account of their own. All I did was some proofreading and editing.

Per the author's wishes, the fourth and final will go up on Wednesday, November 22nd.

It was the third ruin to be searched. The first one, the one Lapis had declared the most likely candidate for holding the artifact, had indeed fit Amethyst’s description quite well. Large, buried in sand, and mostly empty. That one had taken the better part of a day to search, and turned up absolutely nothing of use.

The second had been smaller, but just as dead, and just as lacking in football-shaped, rose-emblazoned artifacts.

Steven and Connie had been mostly relegated to the back of the group. Steven was a bit annoyed by this, but it was their world, and they were in general not aware of the degree of his abilities. Connie had whispered to him that she was just happy that the gems were bringing them both along at all. Steven had nodded at the comment.

So it had been generally Jaspar taking the lead (“on point” she called it), with Lapis and Peridot not far behind, and Connie and Steven a bit behind them.

They had actually visited one more ruin site, but instead of “almost” buried, the entrance to that one had been totally buried by sand. Lapis had declared that they would save that one for last, so as not to do much excavating unless it proved absolutely necessary.

So now they were at the fourth ruin, but the third one that they were actually exploring. Lapis didn’t think that there was much chance of it being here. She had described it as also fairly small, and not really all that interesting.

They proceeded through the derelict structure, fairly slowly. Everyone looked all around, heads on swivel, to try to spot any sign of anything that might be an indication of the artifact for which they were looking.

The ruin was actually not much more than a single large, long corridor, with no twists or turns. The corridor sloped gently downward as they proceeded forward. Eventually it opened out into a much larger room. The room was itself quite long, and reminded Steven of the stereotypical main hall of a European castle, complete with a row of huge floor-to-ceiling columns lining each side of the room. It also reminded Steven a good bit of the Hogwarts main hall, but even larger.

As the group proceeded along the hall, the far end started to come into view in the distance. Just how long was the room? thought Steven. The room ended with a large raised platform. To Steven it looked a lot like some of the other gem-system control platforms he had seen back on his own world. And that’s exactly what it was. Peridot stepped forward, raised a hand in front of her, and caused a small control pedestal to rise from the floor under her hand. The pedestal rose about three feet out of the floor, and then Peridot began actively typing on the top with her fingers. A small data screen was projected in the air beside the pedestal, showing various things in gem-language as Peridot typed away.

“Let’s see if I can find out anything useful from this active control interface.” she said idly. The rest of the crew nodded and let Peridot do her thing.

After about five minutes Peridot harrumphed. “Hmm. According to this, this facility should be a whole lot bigger than it appears to be. But I’m not seeing any way to actually reach any of the rest of it.” She began trying different modes. Suddenly she stopped. “Ok. That’s very odd.”

“What’s up, Peri?” asked Lapis.

“This view is a motion sensor for the whole facility.” She pointed to the viewscreen as if the issue should be obvious to everyone else. It wasn’t. Peridot rolled her eyes lightly. “The motion sensors are showing massive amounts of movement throughout much of the facility. Including right where we are. Far more motion than the five of us are making.” She swept her arm around the room.

Jasper frowned. Lapis looked thoughtful for a moment, then her eyes went wide. “Peridot. Aliens.”

“Laz, there are precisely two extraterrestrials present and neither you nor I are-”

“No,” Lapis almost hissed. “The movie. Aliens.”

“What do you mean by…” Peridot’s voice trailed off as she realized what Lapis was saying. She began to quickly look up and down, trying to watch both floor and ceiling at the same time.

Jasper, though having never seen the movie in question, picked up the obvious implications from the conversation as well, and dropped into a defensive posture. “Squirt! Defensive formation 53C,” she said firmly.

Connie nodded, and appeared to tense for battle. “Steven. Stay close to me.”

Steven grinned. “Remember, I’m a gem too, and I can defend myself as well.” He moved to put himself back-to-back with Connie, and summoned his shield. Jasper made no visible reaction this time to the Rose shield. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lapis appearing to summon a giant hammer from somewhere. Ok. That’s different, he thought briefly.

At about this moment the floor appeared to erupt in a large number of spots around them.

---

Formation 53C was one that Connie and Jasper had worked up somewhat recently, after her force field powers had emerged. It involved creating a tent of sorts with her force fields. Two fields slanted down to either side of them formed a line over their heads. And a third field spread across the floor itself beneath their feet, protecting from threats above and below. Steven and Connie were back to back in the middle, Connie with her crackling yellow sword, and Steven with his pink shield. They were ready when the creatures erupted. She could almost feel the ones beneath their feet as they struck the field and were stopped. But plenty more erupted from the ground all around them.

The creatures were basically small mobile hunks of crystal. Around the size of a rat, Connie quickly mentally nicknamed them Crystal Rats. Individually they were not that much of a threat. Unfortunately, “individually” was not a word that applied to the situation.

The force field tent allowed the rats only two ways to get at them. With Connie and Steven each facing an end, Connie was able to swiftly dispatch the ones coming in her direction, while Steven was easily able to hold back any that came in his end. But this meant that the numbers of rats quickly climbed on Steven’s side.

“Steven! On three, we rotate clockwise 180 degrees. Ok?” Connie suggested. Steven replied an affirmative. Together they counted. “One, Two, Three!” Staying back-to-back, they quickly spun around each other. This brought Connie and her sword face to face with the piles of crystal rats that had been held back by Steven’s shield. Before the rats could react much to the changed opponents, Connie was slicing her sword rapidly through the mass, quickly eliminating the bulk of the pile. By the time they started to react, Connie had their numbers way down, and was able to resume slicing individual ones as they approached her.

Steven and Connie settled into a bit of a pattern, and were able to keep the rats at bay well enough. Beyond the force field could be seen the remainder of the Crystal Gems also in full battle with the rats. Jasper was spinning wildly around the room, ricocheting off of almost everything, smashing rats by the dozens every time she hit the ground. Lapis was wading through the masses, swinging her giant hammer with wild abandon, obviously enjoying herself. And Peridot was weaving a web of laser-death around herself with her limb enhancers. All in all they were holding their own pretty well.

Then the floor started to give way, having been massively undermined by all the burrowing crystal rats. Lapis encountered it first, making a step and having the floor vanish beneath her. She didn’t actually fall, but had to summon her wings in order to avoid doing so. Jasper started leaving large holes in the floor wherever she landed. Connie and Steven were safe, as Connie’s force field floor would remain stable even if the ground beneath it gave way.

But then Connie realized that the ground was not their biggest problem. One of the huge columns from the side of the hall began to give way, destabilized from beneath. With an immense roar it crashed to the ground about 50 feet away from the kids.

“Umm, Connie, That’s not a good sign.”

“Yeah. But I’m not sure what we can do about it. We’re in the safest place we could be right now, but my fields are not really mobile. But as long as one of those monsters doesn’t fall directly on us, I think we’ll be Ok.”

“You mean like that one?” Steven pointed towards the pillar closest to them, which appeared to be starting to collapse right towards them. Connie quickly erected fields four and five right up against the pillar, right near the top, hoping that it would be enough to prevent its fall. It wasn’t enough, and the pillar began to topple right at them.

“Steven? I think we need to move.”

Steven shook his head. “No time. Hang on to me.” As Connie grabbed him, she could see a pinkish shimmer develop in the air around them. The shimmer reminded her a lot of her own force fields, though because of the color it was obvious that Steven was doing something. The massive pillar came crashing down, easily shattering her force field tent. A fraction of a second later it struck whatever Steven had erected. And then the world began to spin rapidly as they were sent rocketing to the side by the impact.

Connie thought she saw them smash through one of the weakened side walls of the hall, but they kept going, rolling rapidly along passages, slamming off of walls, and ricocheting in one direction or another. I always wondered what it felt like to do Jasper’s spin attack, she thought wryly to herself.

After a while they were left rolling along a single straight corridor. They seemed to be slowing a bit. Maybe this crazy ride was almost over. Then they rolled out into another large room. Connie barely had time to see the chasm crossing the room before they had rolled right up to and over the edge, plunging down into the darkness.

Whatever this bubble thing of Steven’s, Connie wasn’t sure how well it would stand up to being smashed into the bottom of a pit like this. She sat on the bottom of the bubble, thankful at least that they were no longer rolling. The respite allowed her to finally start recovering from the spin-induced dizziness, and look around. Two things occurred to her in rapid succession. It was taking a lot longer to reach bottom than she would have expected. And secondly, Steven was no longer there. She was now sitting alone on the bottom of the bubble. Steven was nowhere to be seen.

“Steven?” she asked, worried.

“Up here, Connie,” came Steven’s voice from a bit above her. Connie looked up, and saw Steven “lying” above her, his back along the inside of the top of the bubble, looking down at her.

“What are you doing up there?” she asked.

“Slowing us down.” he responded. “I can float when I need to.”

“Cool,” responded Connie. She went silent, and focused inward to better recover from the spin cycle.

After an eternity or a few minutes, it was hard to tell, they reached bottom. Once the bubble itself landed Steven himself quickly floated down to the bottom of it. It was quite dark outside the bubble. Connie stood and summoned her sword once more. The yellow sword gave off a decent amount of light, giving them at least a dim view of their surroundings. Nothing was moving around them, and there appeared to be no imminent threats. Steven appeared to concentrate for a moment, and the bubble around them evaporated.

“I like that bubble of yours, Steven. And you can float. That’s so cool.” Steven grinned.

“I like your sword a lot, as well. I have an artifact sword from my mom that I can wield, but it didn’t come with me. In fact, my Connie generally hangs on to mom’s sword.”

“You two fight together? That’s cool.”

“Yeah. Pearl has been training her in swordfighting for a while now.” He looked thoughtful. “But without it, I don’t really have that much in the way of offensive abilities.” He looked around a bit. “Next question, what do we do now? We could stay where we are and wait for your gems to find us. Or we could start looking around and see if we can find our own way out.”

“Hmm. Good question.” Connie mused. “Peridot would recommend staying put, but I expect Jasper and Lapis would recommend we look for our own way out. Though they would have different reasons for that recommendation,” Connie grinned.

“Two to one, the vote goes to exploring,” quipped Steven. He reached down and grabbed Connie’s left hand. “Let’s get to it then.” He scanned around them and pointed to one of the walls a bit away. Connie thought that she could make out the shape of a doorway in that direction.

They had only taken a couple of steps, when Connie spoke up. “Hold up a moment.” Steven stopped, looking at her quizzically. Connie let go of his hand and gripped her sword two-handed style. She pointed the sword to the ground and pressed the point into the ground a little. She could feel the power flowing through her into the sword. If she wanted, she could likely have worked it deeper into the stone, but for her purpose just a small way in was plenty. She then proceeded to move the sword along the ground, leaving a slightly steaming groove in a straight line behind it. After about a foot she removed the sword, turned it slightly, and made two more shorter grooves that all intersected with the end of the first line. She now had a fairly obvious arrow grooved into the stone floor of the room.

“We can leave these behind us as we go, in order to help the gems find us when they get this far,” Connie said.

Steven nodded. “Good idea.”

Connie released her left hand from the sword, and resumed holding Steven’s hand with it. They headed off through the doorway that Steven had spotted. They worked their way along a series of passageways, passing through several intersections. At each they ended up picking one or another direction in which to continue, and left arrows behind them carved into the stone floor. After that first one Steven helped as well at making the marks, helping push the sword along the floor.

They found a number of empty rooms along the way, and marked the floor by the door of each with a small X in the floor of the doorway.

Eventually they reached another large room. The ceiling arched above them high overhead. The room was easily 100 yards across, Connie guestimated. Across the center of the room stretched a fairly large chasm, blocking their way. On their side the floor extended out around 5 yards before dropping off into the abyss. Connie could see that there was a similar ledge area on the far side of the room. Straight out from the entrance to the room was what appeared to be the end of a stone bridge that used to cross the chasm. But the bridge itself was long gone, likely having fallen into the chasm itself at some point in the past. Several ancient gem-tech light sources gave weak light from various spots around the room.

Steven sighed. “Another dead end. Let’s backtrack back to that last intersection.” He started to turn back towards the passage from which they had emerged, but Connie didn’t move, and grasped his hand a little tighter.

“Steven! Look over there, on the far side of the room!” She pointed with her sword. Across the chasm was a small raised table or pedestal. And on that there was definitely something pink in color. From this distance it was impossible to be certain if it was the artifact that they sought, but it looked more likely than anything they had seen up to this point.

“Nice spotting, Connie,” said Steven with a grin. “Now we just need to figure out how to get over there.”

“I think I can bridge it with my force fields,” Connie stated. She opened her hand and dropped her sword. It dissolved into sparkles before it could actually reach the ground. She walked up to the edge of the supports for the ancient bridge, and began calculating in her mind just what size of fields they would need.

She set out the first three fields, which was the limit of how many she felt safe correctly placing from this point. The three fields stretched over half way across the chasm. She turned to motion Steven forward, and saw that he was nervously looking all around the room. “Steven?” she asked quizzically.

“Umm… Connie, I think you should get back here. I keep thinking I see things moving around the room. I’m not sure that we’re alone in here anymore.”

Connie nodded and quickly stepped back over to Steven’s side. She summoned her sword once again. “So what do we do?” she asked.

“Can you do that… tent trick again with your force fields?”

Connie shook her head. “Five fields is my limit at one time and still be able to fight. I already used three for the bridge, and the tent needs another three. I could do six, but I wouldn’t be much use in the fight at that point”

Steven nodded. “Gotcha. Fortunately, I can bubble us if things get too hairy. Just stay close so I can be sure to get us both inside if I have to do it.”

Connie nodded, and resumed her earlier defensive position, back to back with Steven. Now that he had mentioned seeing things moving, Connie could see them as well. For the moment they were sticking to the shadows of the room. She could also now hear them. Chittering like the crystal rats earlier. The kids remained back to back, waiting defensively for what the rats would do next.

“I think there are more of them than there were a few moments ago,” observed Connie.

“Yeah. If I had to guess, they are waiting until they think they have enough numbers to overwhelm us,” responded Steven.

“Probably right. And with the numbers I’m seeing, I think that they’ll succeed fairly quickly.”

Steven nodded. “I’m leaning towards bubbling us the moment they make their move, and not giving them that chance.”

Connie nodded. “I second that idea. I’m not too keen on the idea of becoming crystal rat food.”

At about that moment a large shifting shape rose from the depths of the chasm. The light of the gem-illumination glittered off of thousands of facets on hundreds of separate little creatures.

“Not crystal rats, it’s crystal bats this time,” Connie observed.

“Yeah. And a heck of a lot of them,” responded Steven.

Moments after the cloud of bats rose up into the room, the shapes in the shadows began to move as well, revealing themselves to be even more bats, all of which began to head right towards the kids.

“Steven?” Connie said in apprehension, but even as she said spoke she could see the pink shimmer of Steven’s bubble come into existence around them.

The bats began to slam into the bubble. The first few came in at fairly high speed and appeared to knock themselves out from colliding with the bubble. But after that they continued to come and come. The kids dropped out of their defensive stances, as it did not appear that the bats were likely to be able to get in.

Steven nodded in satisfaction. “ I think we’re safe. My bubble has withstood an exploding spaceship and the vacuum of space. I think it’ll hold out a few crystal bats.”

“A few?” asked Connie.

“Okay. More than a few. Still, I think we’ll be okay here.” The bats were piling up around the bubble, and starting to block any view of what was happening outside.

“You’re probably right. But we have another problem,” Connie noted.

“Hmm?” responded Steven.

“What next? We may be safe for the moment, but we are pretty effectively trapped now as well.”

Steven looked thoughtful. “Yeah, that’s a flaw in the plan.” He looked around. They could barely see anything outside the bubble at this point, and the bats were continuing to pile up. “The bubble protects us from the bats, but also protects the bats from us. Hmm….”

Connie briefly felt as if she had been hit across the head with something. “Ouch. And that was the bats destroying the force field bridge. Ouch, ouch, ouch.”

Steven gave a look of concern, but she waved it off. He nodded and appeared to resume pondering their situation. After a few more moments, he suddenly got a huge grin on his face. “Ooooooh. I think I just had a very cool idea.”

“Hmm?” murmured Connie.

“Are you familiar in this universe with Stevonnie?” Steven asked.

Connie got a big grin on her face as well. She held out her left hand to Steven. “Shall we dance?” she asked, barely suppressing a giggle.

Chapter 29: Crossing Over - Chapter 4

Chapter by br42

Notes:

Author's Note: I’m using female pronouns for Stevonnie as a stylistic choice. I’m fully aware that’s not technically correct.

Note from BR42: Let me state that this fic is written by TexasAndroid, a fine fanfic writer who, at least at the time of this posting, does not have an AO3 account of their own. All I did was some proofreading and editing.

Stevonnie opened her eyes. At least she thought she was Stevonnie. It was all very strange. She could feel the echoes of the memories of two other Stevonnies, as well as the memories of their components. But she could also tell that this Stevonnie had never existed before. She was something new. Well, not something entirely new, as Stevonnie had existed before, but never quite like she existed now. As for the other Stevonnies, their memories were almost there, but not quite. She suspected that was because she was missing half of each of those Stevonnies.

She could feel... power. Levels of power that neither previous version of Stevonnie had ever felt. The previous Stevonnies had been the merger of a single strong gem with a human. Something cool, something important, but not dramatically more powerful than the original gems had been. But she was something different. She was a fusion of two powerful gems, and she could feel that.

It was dark in the bubble, with all the crystal bats blocking out any light from the outside. The only illumination she had was what she generated from her gems. The Citrine glowing yellow on her chest, and the Rose glowing pink at her navel. It wasn’t a lot of light at this point, but it was enough for her to see herself.

As far as she could tell, she wasn't any larger than the original Stevonnies had been. She was no giant fusion. But she suspected that she had enough power to rival Malachite or Alexandrite. She nodded. This would do. She had been created to do a job. If Steven got home, she would likely never exist again, at least not in this form precisely. But the other Stevonnies would be able to exist again, and that was more than enough.

Very well. For now she existed. And she had a job to do. Time to get to it.

---

Seen from the outside, there was no sign of the bubble. There was just a writhing cluster of crystal bats, all trying to get at what was at the center of the mass.

Suddenly various points of light could be seen, refracting through the bats from some unseen internal light source. The light began to grow brighter, and the number of points of light coming out of the mass was quickly increasing. The bats, sensing danger, started to move away, but it was too little, too late.

Light exploded from the center of the mass, disintegrating all the bats that it touched. It left the area scorched, and at the center of the destruction stood a single figure. In its right hand it held a golden sword. In its left, a large shield, emblazoned with a rose crest.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Note: Ai no Senshi (Soldiers of Love) plays through the battle. Japanese lyrics in green, English translations in orange.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kami ga sora ni moeagaru
Into the sky my hair bursts afire

Stevonnie looked around, noting the far side of the chasm. There was her goal. As she stepped towards the end of the ancient bridge, more bats continued to emerge from the chasm. And others were continuing to appear from various points in the walls of the room.

Karada ga honoo no you yo
My body is just like a flame

Stevonnie reached the edge of the bridge, and stepped forward out over the abyss. For a moment it appeared that she was stepping on air, but then the light shifted and a shimmer could be seen beneath each of her feet. She was standing on small force fields, each circular and no more than a foot in diameter.

Ya da wa nande kou naru no
Oh no, why is it turning out like this

The chittering sound now loud in the air, a single bat made a run straight at her. Stevonnie calmly sliced it out of the air, sending the crystal fragments into the abyss below.

Honto ni mou okotchau kara
Now I am really burning up inside

Stevonnie took another step, and the previous force field shimmered out of existence almost as soon as her foot left it. Another step, and she was crossing the abyss on the small discs of force.

Koi wo shite setsunai mama
While I am in love, and feeling heartache

The bats began to swarm at her.

Amai yume wo mitetai no ni
Even though I want to have sweet dreams

Stevonnie’s sword darted through the air, slicing bats all over. The sword left electrical afterimages of itself in the air, almost a trail of light showing where it had passed. Her shield was moving almost as quickly as the sword. Any bat that struck the shield got visibly zapped with electricity, and dropped away into the darkness, intact, but stunned at the minimum.

Yurusenai aitsura no sei yo
They will not allow it, this is their fault

She was not making particularly rapid progress across the chasm, as she was having to concentrate simultaneously on sword and shield movement as well as creating and dispelling the small force fields.

Yappari watashi yarukkyanai ne
As I thought, it is I who must do this

A distant roar could be heard from somewhere in the depths below. Different from anything she had heard in here up to this point.

Tatakitsubushite yaru wa kono te de aku wo
By my own hand I will crush evil into defeat

Stevonnie continued to push forward. Progress might be slow, but it was steady.

Sou yo sore made ganbaranakutcha
That’s right, until then, I must persevere

Somewhere around halfway across a single bat managed to come in at high velocity from almost directly above her. She was able to deflect it with the shield, stunning the bat, but it’s trajectory took it right past one of her feet at high velocity. On a path that intersected one of the force fields beneath her feet, the bat crashed right through the force field, shattering it. Stevonnie was caught totally off guard, and began to sink down. But she had the Rose gem’s floating ability turned on as a precaution, and thus only dropped a couple of inches before she was able to create another force field beneath her foot. But losing that force field HURT.

Mezamenasai aoi senshi yo
Awaken now, soldier of blue

Another roar came heard from below. Louder this time. Closer.

Donna warui hito datte
No matter how bad a person you are

Having seen what happened, the bats changed tactics. No longer trying to attack Stevonnie directly, they started to aim for the force fields beneath her feet. Including rising at high speed from directly below her.

Suki nara shinjite miru no
If I love you, I will believe in you

Stevonnie found herself on the defensive. Defending from attacks from below was extremely difficult. Where she had previously been fighting a battle in a 180 degree arc above her, now she was having to fight in 360 degrees all around, up and down. And neither sword nor shield swung below her all that easily. Forward progress came to a complete stop, as she struggled simply to defend her footholds.

Sore wo riyou suru nante
Trying to take advantage of that

And it was a losing battle. The bats begin to repeatedly destroy the force fields below her. Each time felt like she has been hit in the head with something, and it took a few moments to establish another. She only sank a couple of inches each time, due to the Rose gem’s floating ability, but the repeated destruction of the force fields was starting to take it’s toll on her.

Sonna no yatcha ikenai no yo
Is something that you must not do

And then one of the bats got past her defenses entirely. Coming up from below at high speed, it rapidly rose past her body, striking Stevonnie a glancing blow to her temple. While the blow drew no blood, it was enough to stun her. Stevonnie reeled.

Itsu datte mamoritai no
I always want to protect you

Fortunately, she was still standing on a couple of small force fields. Unfortunately, with her trying to shake off the blow, she was no longer able to defend those force fields. It only took a few moments for the bats to destroy them. Even more unfortunately, being stunned had also deactivated the floating ability. Stevonnie began to drop rapidly.

Anata no tame tonde yuku wa
For you I will go leaping forward

She had only dropped a few meters, ten at the most, when she unexpectedly found herself suddenly soaking wet.

Ai dake ga kagirinai enajii
Only love is unlimited energy

“Need a hand there?” came a voice from the side of the room. Stevonnie found herself held tight by a large “hand” made entirely out of water. The voice was Lapis. The shock of the water had additionally served to quite effectively help Stevonnie shake off the stunning effects.

“Lapis!” Stevonnie called out, very happy to see the blue gem at the edge of the chasm. Peridot and Jasper were standing beside Lapis. The Crystal Gems had arrived.

Nee watashitachi yarukkyanai ne
Come on, it is we who must do this

The hand began to rise and move towards the other gems.

Onna no ko no junjou misete yaru no yo
We will show them the pure hearts that girls have

“Lapis! Throw me across to the other side. I think that the artifact we want may be over there.”

Nani ga nan de mo ganbaranakucha
Whatever we do, in everything, we must persevere

Lapis nodded. “Sure thing. And here’s the pitch!”

Mune ni chikau ai no senshi yo
Vowing in our hearts, soldiers of love

Stevonnie had only a moment to frown at the silly baseball reference, before she found herself flung through the air. She was now sufficiently recovered that she was able to easily right herself in the air and neatly land on her feet. “Nice throw,” she yelled across to the gems on the other side.

Nee watashitachi yarukkyanai ne
Come on, it is we who must do this

The bats were still swarming around the room. No time to waste. Stevonnie ran the remaining distance over to the small stone table that Connie had earlier spotted from across the room. There was indeed a pinkish object lying on it, and from Steven’s memories she could tell that it was most likely the artifact they were looking for. She reached out to pick it up.

Tatakitsubushite yaru wa kono te de aku wo
By our own hands we will crush evil into defeat

“Don’t touch it!” Peridot yelled from across the room. “We don’t want to swap Stevonnie back to Steven’s universe.”

Sou yo sore made ganbaranakutcha
That’s right, until then, we must persevere

Stevonnie’s hand froze, and she nodded. Yeah. Taking Connie along on the ride to Steven’s universe would not be a great idea. Neither would dropping this universe’s version of Steven, likely unconscious, into the middle of a crystal bat fight. So instead of touching it, Stevonnie reached out both hands and proceeded to bubble the artifact. The bubble was a shifting mix of pink and yellow colors, both colors swirling over the surface in constant movement. With a thought she set the bubble to floating a little behind her shoulder, where it should easily follow along with her.

Mezamenasai ai no senshi yo
Awaken now, soldiers of love

(Ai no Senshi ends)

Stevonnie turned her attention back to the room in general. The Crystal Gems were in full battle with the still-significant number of crystal bats.

Jasper was careening all over the room in ball form. It was impressive how she could zoom all over, including crossing the chasm repeatedly, and never once dip down into it in the slightest. She was smashing bats at an amazing rate.

Lapis had taken flight over the chasm, and was gleefully spinning her hammer around herself smashing bats.

Peridot had taken up a position near the room’s entrance, and was zapping bats as fast as she could with her finger lasers.

Stevonnie nodded to herself. Should be a relatively easy trip back out of here. The numbers of bats were already beginning to thin a bit. She would just ask Lapis to fly her back across once the battle settled down.

An incredibly loud roar sounded from the chasm below them. Very close this time. Stevonnie started to move towards the edge of the ledge on her side to see what was coming. She didn’t get very far before it arrived.

Time once again slowed to a crawl. A huge form rose from the depths, rising at high speed. None of them had any time to react before the form crashed into the airborne Lapis. Lapis never saw it coming, never even had a chance to dodge.

Lapis was sent flying into the wall on the side of the room, right near the entrance. As she impacted the wall, there was an audible Poof, and Lapis’s body vanished. Her hammer and gem clattered to the ground, not far from where Peridot stood.

But as the gem clattered to the ground, the real damage could be seen. Lapis’s gem had been cleanly split into two pieces.

Peridot screamed, her voice thick with raw emotion, and quickly ran to the shattered gem. Jasper crashed down onto the ledge, not far from them. She just stood still in shock.

The large form had come to a halt after crashing into Lapis, and was revealed to be a single gigantic crystal bat. Easily 20 feet tall. The remaining bats in the room all began to head for the large bat and merge into it, making it grow even larger.

Stevonnie looked up at the giant bat. Her eyes had begun to glow, as did both of her gems. The gems quickly became almost too bright to look at.

“What…. Did…. You…. DO!?!?!” spoke Stevonnie, the volume in her voice rising with each word.

Stevonnie began to walk towards the bat. She didn’t even pause at the chasm edge, she just stepped right out over the abyss. Force fields appeared beneath her feet at each step, glowing brightly. Both sword and shield had been summoned, and the bubbled artifact followed a bit behind her shoulder.

Stevonnie continued to walk across the air towards the bat. She was not at all running, but she was marching with a swift finality that her previous crossing had lacked.

The bat let out a large screech, and began to fling a series of large crystal spikes at her. In an almost casual manner, Stevonnie intercepted the spikes with the Rose shield. The spikes splintered into pieces upon impact. Stevonnie appeared to be unaffected.

The bat screeched again, and even more bats began to swarm into the room from points unseen. These new bats all flew directly at Stevonnie. But just as they approached, a pink and yellow shimmer could be seen in the air surrounding her. As the bats came into contact with the bubble of pink energy and yellow electricity that was surrounding Stevonnie they simply disintegrated. None got through.

Stevonnie approached the bat. Her eyes were no longer glowing quite so brightly, but they had now taken on a cold and unfeeling expression.

“You will die now,” Stevonnie spoke in a cold, flat tone.

The large bat turned to flee.

Stevonnie thrust her sword at the bat. She was still not close enough to actually reach the bat with the sword, but that fact did not particularly matter. Echoes of the sword’s power could be seen stretching out from the blade, and piercing right through the bat.

The bat began to disintegrate. It appeared to attempt to split off all its separate smaller bats, but that did not help. The little bats disintegrated almost as fast as they split apart from the big one.

The large bat gave one final screech, and was gone.

Stevonnie gave a nod, then turned and walked across the air back towards the entrance to the room.

She soon reached the side of the distraught Peridot.

“Give her to me, Peri.” Her voice held the first hint of emotion that she had shown since shortly after Lapis had been hit.

Peridot, stunned, just nodded and held up to Stevonnie the two halves of Lapis’s gemstone.

Both her gems still glowing brightly, Stevonnie took the two pieces of gemstone, and began to lick either side of the split. After doing that thoroughly, she pressed the two halves together and licked along the entire edge of the split. As she did, the two pieces could be seen fusing back together.

Completed, she handed the now intact gem back to Peridot.

Stevonnie spoke. “She’ll still need time to recover from being poofed, but I think she’ll be ok otherwise.”

“You think she’ll be ok?” asked Peridot, still not recovered from her state of shock.

Stevonnie responded. “Steven has healed a number of gems before, but never one split in two. But I could feel it working as I did it. Still, we are in uncharted territory here.”

Jasper spoke up. “Girl, you are one scary fusion, you know?”

Stevonnie just nodded. She released the remainders of the extra power that she had been holding onto, her gems dimming. The team began to make their way back to the surface.

---

Stevonnie said nothing during the trip up. It wasn’t so much that she had nothing to say. Rather she was in the middle of fighting yet another war, this time against her components. Neither of them were happy with what had just happened. They didn’t like how she had so emotionlessly destroyed the bat. They were trying to split her apart.

But Stevonnie did not want to split quite yet. Until they left the temple, she reasoned that the bats could still attack again, and that she would again be needed to defeat them. At least that’s what she told the voices of her components. Underneath that lay the factor that, once she split, it was doubtful that she would ever exist again, at least not in this specific form. The fact that other versions of herself would almost certainly be given chances to exist had been enough before, but now it felt insufficient.

She liked existing as herself. She liked being this version of Stevonnie. She liked…. She liked the power, she realized. And that was a large part of the problem. She was too powerful. Power like she had wielded back at the chasm was something no one being should have. The fact that she was holding herself together this long against the will of both her components… that was scary. Scary. That was what Jasper had called her. Jasper, the warrior gem who should be afraid of nothing, had called her scary.

The group passed out the entrance of the temple, into the blindingly hot desert sun.

Stevonnie looked around. Her excuse was up. There had been no more bats as they made their way out. And now they were out. Stevonnie was suddenly very tired. After fighting Steven and Connie the entire trip out she was drained. She had no more reason to continue to exist. At least not as herself. So finally, she just… let go.

---

Shortly after they emerged from the ruin, Jasper watched as Stevonnie split in two without warning. The bubble that had been floating along behind Stevonnie disappeared at the same moment, dropping its contents to the ground. Both kids immediately collapsed. Jasper quickly went over to them and confirmed that they were both still alive. She carefully picked up the bodies of both kids, and collected as well the pink artifact that they had come for, careful not to let it touch the Steven. Then, without a word, she turned and walked towards the warp portal through which they had arrived. Peridot followed along behind, cradling Lapis’s gem, not speaking a word.

The kids did not stay unconscious all that long. By the time they were warping back into the Beach House, they were already starting to wriggle a little in Jasper’s arms. She gently set them both down on the floor beside the warp pad, watching as they moved as if they had just awakened from a deep sleep.

Peridot turned to Steven, muttered a curt, “Thank you,” and turned to head towards the door to the temple rooms. She was cradling Lapis’s gemstone in her arms all along.

Japser felt that she should say something, but speaking had never really been her strong point. “Good fighting,” she finally said, addressing both of the kids. Then she too headed towards the temple door. Just before she reached it, she realized something. She turned and headed back to the kitchen table, where she deposited the pink artifact. She looked at the hybrid Steven specifically and said, “Farewell, and good luck.” Finally she turned again and headed into her room.

---

Connie and Steven shared a look, Connie asking, "You can go home now. Are you ready?"

Steven frowned, his brow was furrowed and his gaze was on the floor. "No," he said, "not yet." He blew out a breath. "I think I need a walk first, to... clear my head." He looked up, finally meeting Connie's eyes. He extended a hand in invitation and gave her a small smile. "Would you care to join me?”

After walking down the beach a good ways and back, silent, hand in hand, the two ended up sitting side-by-side below the Beach House, staring out at the ocean.

Connie finally broke the silence. “How could Stevonnie have done… what she did? If she had taken it down in battle that would have been one thing. But she basically executed it,” mused Connie.

“Yeah, and Stevonnie was able to remain fused when both of us were fighting to unfuse. I’ve never heard of a fusion being able to do that before.”

“Yeah,” responded Connie. “But then, you appear to have had a good bit more experience with fusions than I do.”

“True.” Steven started ticking them off on his fingers. “Stevonnie, Garnet, Sugilite, Opal, Sardonyx, Malachite, Alexandrite, Smoky Quartz, a huge Ruby, and whatever that… corrupted thing was that Jasper became.” Connie looked up at him inquisitively. Steven shook his head. “Don’t ask. I really have no idea what to call it. Oh, and dad mentioned something about meeting a Rainbow Quartz at least once.”

“I know who Malachite is, though I’ve never met her. And Stevonnie of course. But I’ve never heard of most of the rest of them.”

“But back to Stevonnie,” resumed Steven, “From what I know about fusions, every aspect of them, from powers to personality, should be able to be traced back to something in one or the other of the gems that are fused,” replied Steven. “If Stevonnie was capable of that, it most likely means that one or both of us are as well.”

“I’m pretty sure that it’s me,” said Connie softly. “I’ve seen some things that have me thinking that there is a lot of potential for darkness within me.”

“Tonnie,” Steven said simply.

Connie jerked her head around. “How did you know about her?”

“You and I were fused. Sometimes things leak over from one to the other. I don’t know any of the details, but I can still see the image of her from your mind, and that the thought of her terrifies you.”

“More like I terrify myself.” Connie sighed. ”Tonnie is dark-Connie. She was a potential future self of me. Gone now. But if I could become her under one set of circumstances, what other circumstances could lead to me becoming her?”

Steven nodded gravely. “But I think… the fact that you are aware of your darkness and alert for it is a plus.” Connie looked up at him. “You can watch out for the signs. Be ready to actively correct your course if you see yourself sliding down into the darkness. Also, if you haven’t already, tell your Steven. Have him watching out for the signs as well. Maybe even your Crystal Gems too.”

“Been there, done that. With Steven at least. I already have him watching me.” Steven nodded in approval. “As for the gems, I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure how I could tell them any of this without them totally overreacting.”

Steven nodded again. “Yeah, I get that. Mine are prone to overreacting as well.” He chuckled.

Connie leaned back and stared off into the night sky. “You know, I know you’re not... my Steven. But talking to you feels a lot like talking to him, with the plus that you get what it’s like to be gem and human at the same time. You understand me in a way that no one else can.”

Steven nodded again. “And talking to you feels a lot like talking to my Connie. But you’re right. We’re each one of a kind. But for this brief time, we’re two of a kind.” He held out his hand to her, and for a while they just stopped talking and held hands on the beach.

---

After an hour or so of just sitting on the beach and thinking, the two headed back up into the Beach House. Peridot and Jasper were still in their rooms, but the artifact was sitting out on the kitchen counter, waiting. Steven took a seat on the couch, and Connie picked up the artifact.

Connie spoke first. "Goodbye. Good luck with, ya know," she motioned to their gemstones, "all of that."

"Yeah. You too," Steven replied. He reached out both hands and cupped them in front of Connie.

Connie held out the artifact and gently placed it in his cupped hands.

Immediately the familiar glow appeared, again spreading out from the artifact before it covered Steven entirely. His arms dropped, but Connie was ready for this and caught the artifact before it could drop to the ground as well. As the glow faded, she could easily tell that her Steven was home once again.

---

As Steven returned to consciousness and opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Connie again, sitting at his side. Inwardly he sighed. Was he still stuck in the other dimension? As he sat up on the couch where he had been lying and started to take a better look around, a purple hand reached out from behind him and unceremoniously pulled up his shirt, revealing his gemstone.

“Rose’s gem is back, so it looks like it’s our Steven,” pronounced Amethyst’s voice. Steven glanced over his shoulder. Yep. It was her. He gave her a grin.

“I’m home,” Steven announced, letting the relief show in his voice.

“Steven!” proclaimed Connie. His Connie. She grabbed him and gave him a strong hug. Amethyst joined in, hugging him from behind. Garnet, Pearl, Peridot, and Lapis we all standing nearby, waiting for their own turns to give him Welcome Home hugs. And he could easily see that these were the familiar versions of Peridot and Lapis.

After everyone got their chances at hugging him home, they all gathered around to share stories of what they had just been through. The others actually already knew a good bit about the Gems from the other dimension, it turned out. His own counterpart was apparently quite talkative, especially about the Gems of his home dimension. So in some ways they already knew more about the alternate versions than Steven himself. So that mostly left it for Steven to just recount the specifics of what happened while he was there.

“Hmm. Where to begin? I guess with when I woke up. I saw Connie sitting there, and Peridot and Lapis were in the room. But things got really weird when I spotted Jasper standing in the corner of the room….”

---

Connie handed Steven a mug of tea. He was sitting at the dining room table, telling them all about his own time in the other dimension. Peridot and Jasper were present as well. Peridot was busying herself in the kitchen, and Jasper was being Jasper, just standing quietly at the side of the room.

Lapis’s gemstone had been placed in almost the exact same place that Peridot’s had been in when Peridot had been poofed previously. Sitting on the kitchen counter, on a small pillow, with a heat lamp over it. Almost like an incubating egg. Peridot had emerged with the gemstone soon after the Stevens had swapped back, announcing that every scan she could think of to run had indicated that Lapis was fine, just needing time to recover.

Steven had been talking almost nonstop since he had awakened after the swap back.

"-and Amethyst is shorter than me but really funny. Did you know motor oil tastes kind of like raw pancake batter? Because she does! Oh, and they have this tall lady named Garnet and she does that thing that Jasper does where she leans on the kitchen counter and watches everyone with this little smile that she thinks no one notices but is all quiet and tough and-"

Fade to black…

Notes:

Author's Note: While this story is done, when chapter 1 was posted interest was expressed on the CS Discord about what might have happened to CS!Steven during his time in the Canon Universe. I drop a few references, but for the most part the story that I wanted to tell was what happened in the CS Universe. The story of CS Steven in the Canon-U remains untold at this point, and I have no desire to tell it. But if someone else would like to do so, to omake the omake, so to speak, that would be fine. Come chat on the CS Discord if you would like to tell that part of the story.

Note from BR42: The drawing of the double-gem Stevonnie is from MjStudioArts, who enjoyed the draft of this omake so much she spontaneously drew that pic.

Chapter 30: Deleted Scenes - Ep16: Loud and Clear, Ch3: Citrine's Room

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts

Summary:

An alternate scene for the gems comforting Connie following her experience in Citrine’s Room

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. A quirk of our writing process is that multiple chapters are often being worked on concurrently, with CoreyWW, MjStudioArts, and BurdenKing writing ahead while I work on writing and polishing the next chapter that’ll be going up on AO3. It works out pretty well, allowing everyone to stay busy at the same time without getting in each other’s way. However, details will be refined and tweaked as time goes on and so sometimes something like this will happen.

See, Corey and MJ wrote this bit for the end of Citrine’s Room where Lapis steps in and helps Connie contextualize some stuff about her mom, with the usual range of pathos and irreverence that Lapis tends to bring. Great stuff. Then, late in my writing of the second draft for Chapter 2 (Fur and Fleas) I noticed the conclusion was a little lacking in emotional oomph so I added in the scene where Connie has her return to Blanketville. To complete the callback to Episode 3 (Force Field Friends) I had Lapis comfort her. It was a sweet moment that fit on a couple of levels and the rest of the Team liked it, so in it went.

However, this did have the unfortunate side effect of making Lapis the consoler of Connie two chapters in a row. It seemed a little odd, it certainly wasn’t our intent, and it made the close of Ch2 and Ch3 a little repetitive. Which meant I had to put Corey and MJ’s sweet Lapis scene on ice and write one where Peridot takes point instead. Well, the fun of having this Omake Collection is that we don’t have to actually throw this stuff out if we don’t want to.

Bear in mind that the prose below are first draft material. I’ve gone in and cleaned up any typos or misspellings or other minor editing issues. However, my process of converting the others’ first draft material into a finished second draft is fairly transformative and I don’t want to alter this nice and oh-so-Corey-and-MJ omake scene.

Anyway, if this polished first draft had been included in Ch3 then you could consider this to be about 90% canonical. It didn’t so it’s not actually canon, but it is very canon-like. An authentic replica, if you will. I hope you enjoy.

Connie waited on the sofa, cold spaghetti on the coffee table, blanket wrapped tight around her, head popping out. No Blanketville tonight, not if she wanted to see the gems when they got home.

She didn’t move at the chime of the warp pad, she stayed where she was, hearing the idle chatter of the gems as they entered the living room.

“Not too loud, we don’t want to wake Co- Connie! Hello. Glad to see you up. How hav-...” Peridot traied off, eyeing the cold and uneaten bowl of food, then Connie. Her cheeks were slightly red, her eyes tired.

The Green gem looked to her companions, worry in her eyes. Lapis bit her lower lip before patting Peridot on the shoulder and making her way to sit down beside the girl. Peridot followed her over, sitting on Connie's opposite side. Jasper assumed her usual position leaning against the kitchen counter.

“You, uh... You wanna tell us what's going on Con-con?” Lapis asked gently.

Connie grumbled and pushed her shoulders up, causing the blanket to raise slightly, like a turtle curling into its shell. She wanted to talk, but now she was second-guessing herself.

There was a slight pause before Connie felt Lapis’ hand gently stroke her back. “Look... We won’t make you talk about things if you don’t want to but-”

Lapis chuckled leaning her head on Connie’s as she continued. “I’m kinda learning this whole 'Talking thing' is living up to the hype. So… maybe we could try it some more? For me~?” She spoke softly, a tone Connie knew very well. It was a tone that said 'I am here for you.' She could see Peridot nodding in agreement.

“Was my mother perfect all the time?” Connie blurted out after a moment.

The gems hesitated as Connie looked between them, even Jasper looked surprised. The three all gave wordless glances to one another that spoke volumes.

“Uh, W-what? What do you mea--” Lapis broke the silence.

Connie sat up straight, letting the blanket fall behind her, “I mean, did she just... have all the answers all the time? Because it seems like it from what you guys have told me. Did she- … I dunno, didn’t she ever... Feel uncertain or sad or-or anything!? Things I feel, cause she just seems like this super perfect, ultra-smart woman who I have no hope of ever--”

“Whoa whoa! Slow down girlie. Let’s... Let’s slow down and, uh, wow, there’s a lot to unpack there.”

“Yes,” Jasper said bluntly, clarifying a beat later with, "to the perfect part."

This prompted Peridot to throw her limb enhancers up in frustration. “Not true Jasper! By how few Citrines were made it is very hard to say if she was indeed perfect. She was clearly quite high quality but anything further lacks sufficient supporting evidence to-"

“Wrong train of thought, Peri,” Lapis cut her off and sighed, looking to Connie. “Okay... I wouldn’t say... Citrine seemed uncertain a lot of the time-”

“So she was perfect?” Connie cut the Blue gem off, her heart sinking.

“Hey now, let me finish,” Lapis said, offering a slight smile. “So, like I said, she didn’t usually seem uncertain... but that doesn't mean she wasn’t.”

“Huh?” The girl questioned, her head tilting to the side.

Lapis chuckled, leaning back on the sofa, “I knew your mom for a long-... looong time. And I’ve been preeetty much the same way I am now the whole time. Whenever I felt uncertain or sad, which is like, well, somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred percent of the time, she always acted like she understood...”

Connie stared as Lapis continued, the latter's smiling becoming a little sad.

“At least, that’s the way I saw it... I think she always put on a strong front, and I’m not just talking about her...” Lapis motioned to her chest, then shook her head, “Nevermind, bad... Bad joke. Sorry... But yeah. I think she felt like she always had to seem strong for everyone else and, you know, probably for me too. I uh... I think if she hadn’t helped me the way she did, I probably would have gone crazy a long, long time ago.”

Connie rubbed her temples.

“She ... sounds like she was a good person,” Connie said. “I mean, if she helped you so much and was such a good friend. Was she, like, the one person you were able to talk to?”

Lapis tilted her head and grimaced.

“Well ... I was never a good talker about anything serious and your mom knew that. Let's say that she was observant enough to fill in the blanks.” She sighed. “Anyway, if you think your mom was perfect, I can tell you she wasn’t. Trust me, we all did a lot during the war. Like ...” Lapis’ gaze drifted away from Connie, “Like really a lot of stuff.”

“Like tricking Amethyst,” Connie said, an edge in her voice.

Lapis, however, didn’t get defensive at the jab. She frowned then whispered. “Yeah. Stuff like that. And lots of stuff even worse.”

Lapis settled her hands on her knees and exhaled.

“S-sorry,” Connie said. “I shouldn’t have brought that up again, I just--”

“No, no,” Lapis said. “You ... have every right to think it was a crappy thing to do. Cause it was. We’re kind of experts at doing crappy things by now. But ... anyway ...” Lapis shook her head. “That sort of thing affected all of us during the war. I know it did me. And ...” Her voice got softer. “Even if Citrine didn’t seem like it affected her, I’m sure it did.”

Connie nodded slowly, “I ... see ...”

Lapis stared at Connie, shifting on the couch uncomfortably.

“Did any of that really ... help?” Lapis said.

“A little ...” Connie said. It was true. Knowing her mom possibly wasn’t an impossible demigod she could never live up to did take some of the pressure off … But she still didn’t know very much about her. Or what she would think. Or what kind of advice and guidance she would give.

Connie would be lying if she said knowing that didn't make it feel like there was a hole inside her.

While Connie was introspective, Lapis shot Peridot a look, motioning with her eyes toward the girl. Peridot gave a small nod, her floating digits moving to caress the girl's hair.

“You can always talk to us, you know that, right? You can always ask anything. We will do our best to tell you what we know.” Peridot explained, petting her protégé.

“I know, ma’am...”

Chapter 31: Deleted Scenes - Ep16: Loud and Clear, Ch5: Do Not Bob To Nod

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Alternate scenes including: Lapis and Connie play resulting in Lapis getting cracked, Lapis flees post-healing, Debriefing post-mission, Chapter ending with Steven and Connie

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. Ep16Ch5, Do Not Bob To Nod was an exhausting chapter to write, not least of all because it involved writing sections of it a couple times over. Thing is, there was just so many ways to take certain scenes, so much we wanted to do with Lapis in this minisode. Ditto for Connie. Ditto for Steven. Plus, my co-writers had the time and enthusiasm to create a lot of great content well in advance; as the main draft writer and editor, that’s all kinds of helpful for me in working up a polished final version, but it does mean that a story can shift and prose get left unused.

The big, BIG alternate scene is how Lapis gets cracked in the first place. BurdenKing and MJ wrote this delightful sequence where Connie and Lapis go have fun flying around and it all goes pear-shaped, setting up the conflict for the minisode. The thing is, I actually enjoyed the cut intro more. I liked it so much I wrote out a polished, final version of it even though I knew only one version would make it into the finished chapter. I liked it, but I felt like it was worse for the story.

Why? Well, for one, it precludes us from doing more with the whole… thing happening in Manikota. Foreshadowing! We’ve been gradually teasing… whatever that is across multiple episodes (off the top of my head, I think Ep16Ch5 marks the 5th such tease) and here was an opportunity to do so a bit less subtly, a heating up of a subplot that deserved the added attention. Also, having Lapis get cracked due to her and Connie being irresponsible… well, it felt too like the canon episode, whereas the one that went in the chapter was grounded in the setting of and distinctive to Connie Swap.

I explained my concerns to the Team, they agreed, and the fun version leapt from the main fic to the Omake Collection.

‘Lapis Flees’ was cut because, dramatic though it was, it called attention to a character flaw of Lapis’ that has been explored and (mostly) resolved --Lapis running from conflict that hits too close to home-- and I was worried it would distract from the other character flaw of hers I wanted to draw attention to: Lapis stringing Jasper along with their ongoing, hot/cold relationship.

Lapis getting cracked differently meant the Debriefing/Vision scene started differently, hence the alternate version here.

I’m a sucker for Connverse and the sappy Steven and Connie ending below pretty much sprung from my keyboard during my initial draft. However, we’ve got a whole other chapter coming that’s set in the present with Connie and Steven and this version doesn’t set it up so well, steals a little of the thunder for it, and I felt like Steven not remarking on Connie watching one of his favorite shows was sloppy on my part… no matter how much I enjoy the cuteness of this version.

I hope you enjoy this stuff. Thanks for reading!

Alternate Scenes for Lapis Getting Cracked

"It's sad that it didn't work out but I'm glad you tried," said Sniffling Croissant before openly sobbing in sympathy for his friend. The literal stream of tears pouring from Glum Glass slowed slightly in response.

Connie hung over the edge of her bed, lying on her back with her hair spilling across the floor of the loft as she watched the upside down characters bawl on the television. She narrowed her eyes as she tried to see the show, one of Steven's favorites, from her friend's perspective. Metaphorically; he didn't, to Connie's knowledge, routinely watch Crying Breakfast Friends! flipped 180 degrees.

All I have to do is power through two more days and then Steven's family will be back from vacation. Besides, thinking about emotionally overwrought breakfast drama beats thinking about dad. Or mom. Or Priyanka, or the gem in that book I used to have, or Ame-

Connie rubbed her eyes, telling herself it was just a sympathetic reaction to binge-watching this show, like yawning when you see someone else yawn.

Besides, Glum Glass keeps trying and trying despite all her setbacks. It's noble... in a poorly-animated sort of way. Still, I have to wonder if the writers for this show take some sort of sick amusement in putting her through so much. I kinda miss the earlier episodes, when things were simpler for her.

The crying onscreen ratcheted up a notch.

Not for the first time, Connie considered watching the CBF on mute. Reading the subtitles upside down would be a little difficult until she remembered most of them would be variations of '[sounds of crying]'.

The sound of the warp pad chiming saved her from the dilemma. Rolling upright Connie saw Lapis standing on the crystalline teleporter. The two locked eyes from across the house, the Blue gem holding up one hand and making a surfer sign, finger and thumb outstretched, her expression inviting.

When Connie smiled, Lapis' face split into a wide grin and she gave a whoop.

---

"This is your captain speaking. We've finished our pre-flight checks and are now ready to be completely awesome," drawled Lapis in a monotone voice completely at odds with the tail end of her statement. "Co-pilot Connie, are you ready for takeoff?"

"Ready!"

"C-2 preparing for liftoff!" shouted Lapis, breaking character and giggling excitedly as the pair sprinted across the top of Lighthouse Park, straight toward the cliff.

Lapis launched herself into the air about thirty feet from the edge. This was so she was directly overhead, gripping Connie's outstretched arms at the moment the teen leapt into the void with a shrill cry of excitement.

Blue hands gripped brown forearms and brown hands gripped blue as Lapis flapped hard, once, twice, the pair cartwheeling through the open air, each alternating between inarticulate cries of fun and outright laughter.

Corkscrews. Loop-de-loops. Rolls. Dives. At one point Lapis flew low enough, built up enough speed, that Connie did some barefoot water skiing across the suddenly smooth surface of the Atlantic.

While they were readying to make another pass, winging high over the lighthouse and temple both, Connie felt the sweat gathering in her palms, feeling herself slipping incrementally with each wingbeat.

"Lapis?"

"Hmm? Higher?" called down the gem, the wind whipping her pigtails almost straight back as she ascended.

"Wait! Lapis!" Connie tried to grip tighter but the adjustment only made her slide further down Lapis' slim-but-deceptively-strong arms.

"Whoa, careful Con-con, I think you're-"

Lapis' words were lost in the roar of air as Connie suddenly succumbed to gravity. Unlike previous dives, the instinctual terror of weightlessness wasn't tempered with the knowledge that it was just a ride. Connie screamed.

toofastTooFastTOOFAST, screamed a corner of Connie's mind, while another could only quip, Oh no, not again.

She summoned the force field at a sharp incline, grazing it rather than hitting it directly. It slowed her down slightly, propelled her away from the cliff face a little, but it set her tumbling, making up and down difficult to differentiate.

She willed another field but it had either been off-target or even above her because she never encountered it. The third field was placed more accurately: Connie bounced off it hard enough that it was only the flash of yellow that told her she hadn't ricocheted off the cliff face after all.

There was a blur of blue followed by the press of arms around her tight enough to choke Connie's scream into a wheeze. Up and down became even more confused for a frantic fraction of a second, the wind of wingbeats briefly overpowering free fall and gravity both. Then the world shook with concussive force and every corner of Connie, even the snarky one, was jarred into insentience.

At some point Connie became aware of things again. First, that her back, shoulders, and the back of her head were hurting in a way she wasn't aware they could.

Still not as bad as that time with the Nightmare Monster, thought that irrepressible part of her, because apparently her ability to make wry observations was the quickest to reboot. Somehow, she wasn't surprised.

The second thing she became aware of was that her back had somehow gained the ability to vocalize its discomfort and was groaning beneath her. That was a surprise.

When a hand that wasn't hers dragged lazily across her face it clicked just who was back there and why. "Lapis!"

Exemplifying the expression 'painful slowness,' Connie rolled over and off the Blue gem, squishing into the sand Lapis had apparently winged them over when they'd crashed.

"Oof," groaned Connie, still too jarred to do anything but flop on her back despite how tender it was. "I think I know how some of those bee monsters felt when I zapped them and they hit the sand hard enough to poof."

Connie heard a wheezed chuckle beside her and then, “Hon? I see bees in — OH!”

Connie blinked at the odd response. Rolling onto her side, she saw Lapis pressed into a sandy crater, kind of like when the Centipeetle Matriarch had spiked her like a volleyball. The Blue gem slowly sat up, using a cerulean hand to stabilize herself, and glanced at Connie.

Thin, blue eyebrows furrowed over mirrored eyes as Connie gasped. "Lapis! Y-your eyes!"

Lapis squinted out of blank orbs for a second longer before twisting around and groping with one hand across her back like she was trying to scratch a hard to reach itch. Her expression then became one of resigned embarrassment. Turning to Connie with a weak smile she said, “I’m a fool; aloof am I.”

Before Connie could ask further questions, the gem turned revealing her teardrop-shaped gemstone, the seat of her consciousness, crisscrossed with a jagged crack. A glance in the crater showed the rock Lapis had landed on, its surface sprinkled with sparkling blue splinters.

Once again Connie gasped. Lapis shrugged and was about to stand when she stopped, bent down, and brushed the fragments into her open palm. "No, I save on final perusal – a sure plan if no evasion."

Connie was pretty sure she was in some kind of shock. She'd seen the gems hurt, poofed even, but never cracked. Unable to really process this overwhelming development, she rose to her feet, the complaints of her body relegated to a distant place. "I think 'no evasion' is what got us into this situation," she drawled.

Lapis looked at her with featureless eyes, lifted her free hand to her mouth, and blew a long, loud raspberry in rebuttal.

---

Connie barreled through the front door, uncaring about it slamming against the wall. The second she was across the threshold her gem lit up and the temple door across the house opened on a room of scrap, sluggish lava flows, and the sparks cast off by whatever Peridot was doing over her workbench.

"Peridot! Lapis needs your help!" she shouted.

The technician looked up from Johnny's open chassis --the ersatz robonoid lying upside down on the workbench-- her glasses shifting from welding visor-dark to clear as she did so. Extending an arm overhead, five of Peridot's floating fingers spun to a blur, allowing the gem to helicopter out of her room and into the Beach House proper.

A pair of floating fingers remained behind long enough to buckle Johnny into position like a baby on a changing table, before zipping out to rejoin Peridot. Johnny kicked its limbs feebly, unable to right itself. The temple door closed moments after the fingers soared through.

"I'm afraid the noise of my activity drowned out the specifics of your call," said Peridot, landing with a heavy thunk and walking the rest of the way over. "What seems to be the problem?"

Connie had ran ahead of Lapis in returning to the Beach House, the gem unable or unwilling to keep pace. That was why the Blue gem stepped through the already open door, one hand closed into a fist while the other she used to wave in Peridot's direction. "Yo, Aloha, Hola, Oy!"

Peridot saw the mirrored eyes and made a frightened squeak, quickly stepping forward to put herself between Connie and Lapis. "Stars! What happened?! How many oceans does the Earth still have?! Is Central America still an isthmus?!" she asked, her voice almost a shriek.

“A man, a plan, a canal. Panama,” Lapis said, attempting to lean on the door frame. She missed, fell to the floor, then staggered to her feet, giggling.

Lapis Flees

Jasper laid a still-damp hand on Lapis' shoulder, and said something for only Lapis to hear. Lapis' smile dropped off her face and she turned to look up at Jasper. "Oh. Oooh. Uh... Can I get a raincheck?" she said, giving a pained smile up at the large Quartz.

Jasper took a step back, drawing herself up to her full height, and began surveying the surroundings for threats, looking everywhere save at Lapis.

"I'm gonna make sure the ol' wing-a-lings are still working right." With a flash and a flap, Lapis was airborne.

Connie was quick to cup her hands to her mouth and shout, "No islands!" as the gem soared past.

Lapis hung in the air a moment and called back, "No islands. I'll be home when you get there." And then she was gone.

Peridot sighed, turned back, and walked over to the fountain, meticulously filling the specialized containers to their brim. “Let’s go,” she called once the job was done, Connie walking beside her and Jasper, ahead, as they made their way back through the garden and to the warp pad.

Debriefing After the Garden

Jasper returned from the temple. "The vials are all secured."

"That's fortuitous. I just finished giving these two an upbraiding for the reckless behavior that got us into this situation in the first place," said Peridot, standing on the other side of the coffee table, limb enhancers crossed, her pose that of a principle reprimanding a pair of school-aged hooligans.

Lapis, who was decidedly not school-aged, sat on the couch looking more impish than contrite. Connie, however, was sitting adjacent and had her head hung low.

Lapis and Peridot shared a look and then Lapis said, "Hey, Con-con. Don't let Dot's fun-allergy get ya down. Everything worked out alright."

Connie looked up and met the eye of each gem in the room. "Yeah, but I've been pretty much pointless this whole time. I had no idea what was going on most of the time and I completely failed as a lookout, the one job I could do. Or, could if I wasn't so blind and inept."

"The apostate cheats," was all Jasper said, arms crossed.

Alternate Ending

He wasn’t sure and he knew Connie wouldn’t be either. That’s what this was, what this whole awful three weeks had been: Connie questioning what it was to be a Crystal Gem, what it was to be her mom’s daughter, what her place was with her dad and her three, kinda-yes-but-kinda-no moms.

And here she was, scared, angry, sad, turning to him for help.

The roller coaster in his stomach did a series of twists and spirals as the significance settled in. He scooted around so he was sitting beside Connie, the two of them looking out at the ocean together. He reached around to grab her side and pull her into a half hug. She rested her head on his shoulder (and his roller coaster started doing more swirly things in response).

He was still trying to find the right words to say despite the swirling emotions inside him when Connie said, “Thanks. I… Can we just sit here, like this, for a moment? It’s nice.”

Steven nodded, leaning his head gently against Connie’s.

The two sat in silence save for one another’s breathing and the sounds of the beach below.

Chapter 32: Loud and Clear: Priyanka Epilogue

Chapter by br42

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. The original draft for the disastrous family dinner between Connie, Doug, and Priyanka was written more than six months ago. It had always included a scene of just Priyanka and Doug reacting after Connie stormed off. However, when it came time to actually depict that scene, well, the story turned out to be a flashback told by Connie so we couldn't show what had happened in her absence. Hence this epilogue.

That cut scene was originally an exchange between Priyanka and Doug that was about 5 lines of dialogue long. But I'm more than up to the task of stretching out 53 words into a 1.3k-long scene.

So, why is it here in the Omake Collection? Well, I think I may have a weakness for writing parent scenes, or finding said scenes way more interesting than the norm, because this isn't the first time I've expanded on something from Priyanka's POV only to have my fellow co-writers read it over and recommended Omake-ing it. Their concern was mainly of pacing, that the other epilogues in the main fic were a lot more relevant to the plot and core characters while this didn’t show much new save for a quiet vignette of Doug and Priyanka. I guess I have an inordinate fondness for the doctor's observations, especially given how crazy it all must seem to Priyanka, looking in from the outside like she is.

Regardless, my co-writers have proven the worth of their feedback time and time again so I agreed and moved it here; this is still part of Loud and Clear, it just lives on the sidelines. This omake is 100% canon: this is how things went down between Doug and Priyanka following Connie's departure. It takes place during the events of Ep16Ch4: Whine and Dine.

I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading!

--- May 21st---

"Then I'll go instead!" screamed Connie, Doug's daughter turning away from the table, dinner plate in hand as she marched over to the door. Throwing it open with a bang, the teen stormed through.

Priyanka had less a flashback of Anjan's own tempestuous teen years and more of a composite memory of a dozen times her son had left the dinner table in a huff.

Along with it came the old guilt of having done an imperfect job of being the parent. She'd allowed herself to get nettled by Connie's barbs. They'd been hurtful, intentionally so, but Priyanka was an adult and should have risen above them. She should not allow a girl thirty years her junior to dictate the level of discourse at the dinner table.

Doug shoved his chair back and jumped to his feet. "Connie! Where do you think you're going?!"

Priyanka mentally tsked. Rookie mistake, she thought. Even if Connie knows where she's going, and she very well might not, that's not the point. She's leaving and you either address that or don't rise to the outburst at all.

Suddenly a yellow square of force sprang into existence, less than an inch-wide gap between it and the open doorway.

Priyanka's eyebrows shot up at that. For probably the tenth time that night she'd found herself falling into well-worn modes of thought only to be reminded that Connie wasn't just any thirteen-year-old.

Doug was startled by the unwelcomed magic as well, but he had, to use his words, 'lived in Crazy Town long enough to roll with the punches.' He angrily hammered on the field. "CONNIE?! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!"

Another composite memory of Ravinder shouting through a locked bedroom door at their son leapt to mind. The fact that Doug wasn't shouting in Hindi helped Priyanka from associating him with her ex-husband.

There was a pause followed by a high voice, muffled by the field. "... I actually am sorry about the force field. That was more of an impulse thing."

Doug took a breath, clearly trying to reign in his emotions. "Good. Now, remove this at once."

The fact that he had succeeded in doing so did much to demonstrate the differences between the men.

Connie's muffled voice answered. "I can't. It just sorta goes away on its own after a couple of minutes. Sorry for- Um, I'm sorry. But I really am leaving now."

The sound of footsteps going down the apartment stairs followed soon after.

Doug ran a hand through his hair, looking at the force field, the dinner table, Connie's empty seat, and back to the force field as though determined to act but with absolutely no idea how.

So this is what it looks like from the outside, she thought, years of hiding expressions behind a mask of professionalism being the only reason she didn't smirk at his expense. She'd allow herself to feel upset about the disastrous dinner another time; right now she was going to salvage what she could of the evening, mental peanut gallery quips included.

Doug finally seemed to remember that Priyanka was there and gave her that schoolboy smile of his: it was a mix of embarrassment and wry amusement worked into a grin that was dangerously disarming. "I guess we're stuck here for a little while."

Priyanka's inner schoolgirl wanted to kiss that smile. Repeatedly. She'd thought that facet of herself had vanished long ago, a victim of both the banality of adulthood and a lifetime of youthful hopes dashed. That Doug had brought that long absent part of her out of hiding...

She shook her head. The schoolgirl still had to share space with the doctor, the girlfriend, and the mother, the latter two of which had some things to say about how Doug had behaved during the dinner.

"Good," answered Priyanka, her expression neutral.

Doug's smile faltered --to the dismay of part of her-- and he gave her a faintly worried look as he sat back down at the table. "Good?" he asked.

"Yes. It means we can talk about what just happened."

Doug frowned, his eyes moving back to Connie's empty place at the table. "Right. I'm sorry for that, by the way. This wasn’t like Connie and if I had to guess what got into her tonight..." he trailed off before looking back at her and said, “Actually, I’m still figuring it out myself.”

Priyanka took a sip of her mint lassi, as much to compose her thoughts as to slake her thirst. That accomplished, she set the drink down and gave him what she hoped was an understanding look; past performance reviews and patient surveys indicated she’d lost the knack for it, if she’d ever had it to begin with. "Doug, she's a teenager and I'm the wicked woman who is simultaneously challenging her monopoly on your affection and threatening the memory of her mother."

Doug's frown deepened. "But you're not. At all."

Priyanka couldn't hide the smile this time. She wasn't sure if his guilelessness was part of his charm or just the piece of him that kept it from going to his head.

Either way, here, now, it wasn't doing Connie any favors so Priyanka the Mom had to overrule the schoolgirl and girlfriend. "It is to her, dear, and that makes it important. All things considered-" (And with Connie's home life, that's a lot to consider) "-she probably did better than most teenagers would have."

He raised his eyebrow at her skeptically.

"You forget that I've raised one," she prodded.

"One that could do that?" he said with a smirk, motioning toward the unnatural barrier blocking the door.

"Point," Priyanka conceded. "But that's why it's even more important that we have a shared understanding here. I'm a veteran in the struggle between parent and teenager. You're a veteran of... that," and she could only gesture toward the field as though it represented the entire, black-is-white insanity that was half of Connie's life.

Priyanka saw recognition spread across Doug's face. He nodded, reaching out to give her hand a squeeze of solidarity. "You're right. I guess each of us, you, me, and Connie, don't all speak the same language. I kinda forget how hard it can be at her age, even without all the added complications she faces."

Priyanka took a moment to study his expression and just bask for a moment in this closeness. It had been so long between the brief happiness of her not-so-brief marriage and when Doug had finally been willing to let her into his life. She couldn't help but relish this hard-won happiness, complications and all.

The schoolgirl, girlfriend, and mother all smiled at this man through Priyanka.

The doctor, well, she was hard to impress and didn't really do smiles. At least, not the kind that reached her eyes. She did appreciate Doug's fitness regimen... even if she was appalled at the necessity of it. In her professional opinion, no one should be engaging in one-on-one melee with bee monsters, especially not men approaching middle age. Least of all men approaching middle age who were truly important to her.

Okay, maybe the doctor had been won over a little.

Basking complete, mental digression ended, Priyanka focused on the subject at hand. "Speaking of language," she drawled, "now is an excellent time for my first lesson in Tamil."

Doug's eyes went wide, perhaps glimpsing the shape of the trap he'd just walked into.

Priyanka's smile showed perhaps a bit more teeth than was strictly necessary. "Now, what was it you two said about the Butter Chicken, exactly?"

Doug swallowed and glanced over his shoulder to confirm that, yes, the force field preventing him from escaping was still in place.

Notes:

See you tomorrow for the Amethyst Epilogue #2.

Chapter 33: J.UNI.OR. - Chapter 1

Chapter by br42

Summary:

J.UNI.OR. - Jasper UNIverse ORigin

Connie and Steven discover that she can summon her weapon, this time with a twist...

Notes:

Note from BR42: This fic, written by the fine and friendly Japkot, is based on the answer to the What-If Machine question, "What if Steven was half gem too?" That means it is HIGHLY recommended that you follow THIS LINK to go read that story first. Don't worry, it's only 733 words long.

The necessary context is that Connie is the Connie of Connie Swap (i.e. her father is Doug and her mother was Citrine) and Steven is the son of Greg and Jasper. The two are being raised by Lapis and Peridot. That makes this fic an omake set in an AU from an omake of the Connie Swap AU.

As the title implies, this is the first of a multi-chapter work, so be ready for additional installments from Japkot in the future.

“...The End,” the slightly miffed voice of Lapis Lazuli finished.

“Whoa…” the two kids chorused as Lapis finished her story. They had been absolutely enamored with every word she had said.

It had started as a regular Geography lesson with Peridot, in which she had them recite the names of every Volcano on the face of the Earth, active or otherwise included. Connie had done exceptionally of course, even if she had stumbled through some of them. Steven however, had frozen halfway through, and Connie had been caught whispering some of the answers.

Both had been taken aside for a lecture. Steven had been properly admonished for slacking in his lessons just so he can go on patrol, and Connie had been told off because she was cheating. (“And cheating is wrong ,”) Just when the Kids thought they would be spending their whole afternoon there, Lapis had literally flown in for the rescue, loudly proclaiming that Geography sucked and History was better.

The kids had agreed of course, but neither of them wished to incur Peridot’s wrath as it turned toward Lapis Lazuli. But their savior didn’t give up, and did that thing the adults did with all the eyebrows, whispering, and the general disregard for personal space before she could even say one word. Which had made the kids groan in disgust and Peridot flush a darker shade of green.

While Peridot was busy with that particular ordeal, Lapis had already launched into a (partially) embellished story from the Crystal Gem Rebellion. It was focused on her deeds mostly, of course, but it also involved a cameo from an unstoppable Citrine, and ‘the hairy bowling ball that was Jasper.’

While the unflattering description of his mother bothered Steven, he had kept it quiet. Instead he had just bugged Lapis for details on what his mother and Connie’s were doing. It would all end in one big cheerful whoop as Lapis had finally given in and told him how Jasper had broken through a moving airship just to save Citrine from a would-be-assassin, the latter being too busy cutting swathes through the enemy to notice.

“My mom was so cool!” had been his first exclamation once he had gotten over the ‘Silent Awe’ stage of Peridot’s ‘AESSoLTBSItBH’ (An Enthusastic Steven’s Scale of Likelihood To Break Something In the Beach House. It started with ‘Silent Awe’ and ended with ‘Evacuate Beach City’.) in which Connie had joined him in the reenactment of the story.

Peridot had finally gotten over her flustered state, and she was not impressed. “Marvelous, as if it wasn’t already hard to keep their mental assiduity,” her voice rueful as she cast a sidelong glance at Lapis.

She took a moment to respond, “You know you love it ‘Dot,” her tone was off-put, it seemed like she didn’t like her story being hijacked for Citrine and Jasper...

Peridot sighed, “You can’t blame them for being curious,” her tone was soft, and hushed. Not that the hyperactive kids would notice. It seemed like her words were not having the intended effect however, and Lapis only seemed to get more frustrated.

So she did some damage control.

“Connie, Steven,” she made sure to put a healthy amount of authority to her voice (Peedee had called it ‘The Mom Voice’ when he had come over with his Lutes & Loot game and she had used it to make them obey) “Dears, we will continue this lesson another time.” Even she couldn’t salvage this, nevermind the fact that she had still not given up on salvaging an entire Kindergarten, (for plants, before you get any ideas) that didn’t mean she would let them off easy of course, “But I expect a detailed essay on today’s subject.” There, Steven did well on essays, so it would serve as an encouragement at the least and get him to learn the subject before he fell behind, again.

The kids nodded with enthusiasm. “May we go outside, ma’am?” The request she had been counting on had come from Connie.

“Be back before sunset.” She then smiled. “Have fun you two” The kids nodded with a set of smiles of their own and raced off to the door after grabbing a hefty supply of ‘arts and crafts’ material. Peridot’s smile disappeared immediately as she shouted behind them, “Steven, don’t let me catch you with glitter in your hair again!” She grumbled as she turned back, “ That troublesome mane. ”

She threw that errant thought aside as she focused solely on Lapis.

---

Connie coughed theatrically as she gazed at her army, a collection of rocks and boulders that had fallen down from the Temple’s facade and spent enough time in the ground to be unrecognizable, covered in copious amounts of colorful glitter by her and Steven.

Steven cupped his hands around his mouth, “Speech! Do a speech!”

“My people!” She addressed with a semi-serious voice, trying her best not to giggle as Steven whooped, “Before us are those who would destroy what is not theirs!” She pointed dramatically at a collection of boulders that had frowny faces doodled on them with some permanent marker. Steven booed as they were being mentioned. “Join me in delivering them to their makers!”

Maybe Connie had just rehearsed one of the Book’s speeches word for word, but nobody could deny the results.

Those results being Steven charging forward toward the boulders, an orange Crash Helmet appearing around his head with a shimmer of the aforementioned color.

She smothered the pang of jealousy that reared its ugly head, instead focusing on the pride she felt on the fact that she had helped Steven summon his weapon again.

For as long as the kids could remember, Steven’s weapon would pay them a visit whenever he felt an emotion particularly strongly. Like in his 7th birthday when his father had gotten him his first drum set. Or when he had gone on a roller coaster for the very first time. These bouts usually had very good timing, but the bad moments tended to be on the ‘disaster’ side.

And Connie was still unable to summon her weapon.

She had not let it become a divide between them of course, because when she had when they were younger, Lapis and Peridot had tried to reassure her at Steven’s expense. As they so often did, Steven already had enough on his plate with being treated like a walking hazard anytime he did something the others didn’t agree with.

She charged after him after a moment, deciding not to dwell on such thoughts. It was easier to get lost in the earlier excitement, to imagine herself charging through a battlefield with her loyal comrades, leading them from the front like the spitting image of a good leader. Perhaps being too caught in the moment, she brought her empty hand down on a boulder.

But it wasn’t empty.

She noticed that too late though, as the boulder she’d been aiming for exploded everywhere and sent her crashing backwards.

The last thing she saw before she tumbled to the ground was a thin yellow line crashing through the window of the Beach House.

Several startled screams both inside and outside followed, although none of it could suppress the little mantra that had just started in her head.

I just summoned my weapon!

Chapter 34: G.E.M. 001

Chapter by BurdenKing

Summary:

The secret government file on 001, a.k.a. Citrine a.k.a. Connie.

Type: Entity

Class: Gamma

Extraction Method: As of event 001-67B, it has been deemed no longer necessary or advised to attempt to Extract 001. Pending an ethic review of the current state of 001, reclassification or dismissal of file may become necessary in the future.

In the event of sudden hostilities between subject and local inhabitants of site D, or by the order of class 5 or higher command, use of extraction methods approved for previous instance of 001 will be authorized.

001 is to be extracted from no less than five hundred meters away using high voltage shock darts, acceptable voltage being anywhere between 4000 and 20,000 volts. Personnel chosen for this role must ensure they are not perceived by 001 at all costs. If agent believes themselves to be compromised, they are to retreat and all extraction operations are to be suspended until further notice.

Agents assigned to perform the extraction are to have a full psychological profile created, detailing thoughts, feelings, and any other information that could otherwise be tampered with through 001’s abilities. File is to be memorized by an undercover handler, preferably one of the agents undercover in site D. In the event shooter is compromised by 001’s mental abilities, handler is to activate the emergency shock collar worn by shooter until agent is unconscious. They are then to wait for extraction orders, and are not to attempt to rescue the unconscious agent. Should no extraction orders be sent, handler is to resume normal undercover operations.

If G.E.M. 002 is confirmed in the company of 001, minimum range is increased to 1000 meters, and operations are not to occur near any collections of liquid water larger than 20 gallons. If possible, 002 should be neutralized prior to 001, due to threat of massive collateral damage and possible environmental catastrophe.

If G.E.M. 003 is confirmed in the company of 001, operations are to continue as normal except for the following: a high speed aerial vehicle must be available for high speed extraction of agents, a secondary team be ready to Acquire and contain 001’s geode once 002 has given chase to shooter, and preparations are made for 003’s extraction as outlined in G.E.M. 003’s file.

If G.E.M. 004 is confirmed in the company of 001, all extraction operations are to be suspended until otherwise approved by class 6 or higher command, which will be accompanied by modifications to extraction operation.

Until extraction operations are deemed required, site D is to continue operation unless told otherwise by class 5 or higher command. Civilian elements on site D are to be kept unaware of site D’s true function or any G.E.M. Operations. Local undercover agents are to be tasked with maintaining operation secrecy and to ensure site D continues to operate as designed.

Description: 001, Prior to event 001-67B, took on the appearance of a female with yellow-tan skin, blonde hair, and possessed a powerful build of around 2.4 meters in height. While possessing shapeshifting abilities, 001 rarely deviated from this appearance.

As is shared by all G.E.M. entities, recorded instances of superhuman strength and durability are more of greater magnitude in 001 than the recorded average. While not as strong as 003 or as durable a 004, 001 is shown to be not far behind either in these categories. While grossly surpassed in anomalous power by 002, it cannot be stressed that 001’s powers can and have proven to be far more dangerous under the right conditions. With the added versatility and variety presented in 001’s power set, 001 presents both a notable physical threat and a massive security risk [See Event 001-01, 001-25, 001-35, and 001-66].

001, as of event 001-67B, now maintains the appearance of a young Indian girl of 13.5 years of age. 001 stands around 1.6 meters in height and weighs an estimated 40-45 kilograms. They possess black hair, brown eyes, and dark skin color similar to subject 001-D. Since event 001-67B, 001 has grown at a rate equal to that of a human child with the only deviation occuring 13 years after “birth”, where 001 rapidly regressed in physical age. 001 has since recovered and continues to grow at a normal rate.

At this time, the physical traits and abilities of 001 are unknown, due to the difficult nature of measuring them without alerting 002 through 004 to G.E.M. presence. It has been determined though that 001 appears to have degraded in visual senses, requiring corrective lenses created by 004 for a number of years. It is unclear whether these lenses allow 001 to see at previous recorded levels or not.

It appears 001 has lost some effectiveness in their abilities following the event of 001-67B. However, due to 001 showing rapid and increased use of said abilities within recent months, it is to be assumed they are just as dangerous. Extreme caution is advised.

History: 001 is the first recorded G.E.M. Entity recognized by Management, and proves to be the focus of much of our studies. From what information we have gathered, from information released by 002 and 004, as well as numerous archeological records depicting them, 001 has been determined to be extraterrestrial in nature, along with all other G.E.M. Entities and objects. 001 was apparently the leader of a rebellion group that fought against the main governing body of their people, referred to as “Homeworld”, with 001 through 004 claiming their goal was to “protect the earth and humanity”. The validity of this claim is currently being investigated, and while likely, it has been made clear that the “Crystal Gems” are withholding a great deal of information.

All questions concerning “Homeworld”, the “Diamonds”, the entity known as “Rose”, as well as the origin of the hostile G.E.M. entities and objects have been met with dismissal or outright ignored by all parties.

Surveillance of 001 has noted several notable interactions between them and civilians, most notably with 001-D. 001 and 001-D, hereby referred to as D, maintained an apparently amorous relationship for a number of years, during which time D came into contact and conflict with multiple hostile entities and objects, leading to the creation of Anti-G.E.M. martial arts that have proliferated throughout management. D has remained unaware of this.

After several years, Event 001-67B took place, which saw the transformation of 001 to its current form. A notable change in both group dynamic and mannerisms took place, most drastically in 004 who seems to have taken a maternal role over 001.

It is unclear whether this is natural, an uncommon event, or a ruse of 001’s design to confuse or misdirect Management. An ethics investigation is currently underway to both discover the true situation, as well as alter methodology to take into account the current situation.

Due to event 004-4, the home planet of the G.E.M.s was discovered, confirming extraterrestrial life and backing the little intel gathered from 001. Information was quickly classified, the findings suppressed through a misinformation campaign, and all researchers and civilian personnel involved with the discovery either inducted into Management or given Class B amnestics. Management scientists and research personnel are currently attempting to gather as much knowledge of the home planet, and “Homeworld” as possible, but current technology makes accurate and thorough investigation impossible. Plans to approach 004 for assistance are under deliberation.

Chapter 35: Veni, Vidi, Connie - Chapter 1

Chapter by br42, Wierdkid20

Summary:

Earth receives some unexpected visitors.

Notes:

BR42 here. I wanted to provide a little context for Wierdkid20's fic, and let me stress that this is their creation, not mine. The most I did was some proofreading and editing.

So, this fic represents an omake to the fic Domina Alba, wherein the hybrid daughter of White Diamond, Domina, makes a surprise (and surprising) visit to Earth. In the original fic, it's Steven and the canon Crystal Gems that are bumped into, not Connie, Lapis, Jasper, and Peridot. It's a fine fic and one that several of the writers of Connie Swap have enjoyed. We're quite pleased that Wierdkid20 decided to use our cast of characters for their omake.

Anyway, this omake was written with the intent of being accessible and enjoyable to readers unfamiliar with Domina Alba, so don't let that stop you.

As Connie had started accompanying the gems on more and more missions she had become accustomed to all sorts of derelict gem technology. Derelict was the operative word here. The one sitting in front of them was decidedly not.

“Are you sure this ship wasn’t here before?” Connie asked despite the fact that this was the only ship not overgrown in the clearing.

“Positive, this entire shuttle is an anachronism! It’s body structure is clearly that of an era 1 drop ship pod, but from what I can tell of the interior systems have been retrofitted with a guidance system typical of the more modern roaming eyes. What’s more!” Peridot moved to the rear of the craft. “This is a modified version of an era one light kite engine! Those have been out of commission for the last 4 thousand years!”

“Yeah but what’s it doing here dot?” Lapis asked as she rapped on the side of the ship.

“I have no idea.. It seems to be unoccupied but...” Peridot’s incredulity faded into worry.

“But?” Connie asked, though she felt like she already knew the answer.

“But it means that someone, another gem, is here. On earth.” Peridot said staring at the empty ship as if it might reveal a horde of homeworld soldier’s any moment.

“Peridot” Jasper said, then gestured to the nearby warp pad they had just entered on.

“Ah yes, of course.” Peridots fingers formed a screen as she pulled up the recent access records for the warp pad. Connie circled the ship. It sort of reminded her of one of the ships from the Galaxy Trek series that the evil empire used as bases for their bow fighters. Just smaller, much smaller.

“Before us there was one warp stream created roughly two hours ago.”

“Well if they left they’re going to have to come back.” Lapis said flying up into a tree to get comfortable.

“Yes, it would be for the best to remove Connie from the premises as soon as possible before they’re return-”

“Wait, why?”

“Connie this won’t be your average corrupted Nephrite or Bixbite, a homeworld gem...” Peridot trailed off.

“Come on Peri, can’t be any more dangerous than dealing with the quartz pack and Con-con con-crushed that.” Lapis swung upside down and put her hand behind her head. “Anyway, in my experience, only thing that comes out of these are Nephrites and Rubies. Not really the kind of thing you send as an invasion force.” Peridot didn’t look calmed by that in the least bit. But any further complaints she could have had were cut off by the warp pad jumping to life. In one fluid motion Jasper had picked up Connie, grabbed Peridot and dived into the bushes near Lapis. Lapis dropped down, landing effortlessly next to where Connie had scrambled to get a better look at the warp pad.

Two figures landed on the warp pad. One was a little taller than Lapis but with pink skin and hair. She was wearing what looked like a pink two-piece swimsuit with sheer ruffles around her hips and arms. Her gem was prominently displayed, a pearl, not unlike the one from Connie’s book but pink and not cracked. The other figure was taller, not quite Jasper’s height but close. But something about her was...off. Her skin and hair were a lot like Connie’s own but the finer details of they’re colors seemed to shift as she walked towards the craft, almost iridescent. She had a gem to, a white one in a diamond cut.

“A pearl and a... is that a Goshenite?” Lapis asked softly.

“What would a Goshenite be doing here?” Peridot asked

“What’s a Goshenite?”

“Upper crust bureaucrat in White-”

“Quiet.” Jasper said firmly, the two on the warp pad were talking.

“I can’t believe it!” The taller gem was saying.”There’s so many of them!” Connie could feel the air around her shift as the gem lept into the air and hovered there slightly. She saw Peridot and Lapis both frown. They had changed their gem assessment and had to be shushed again by Jasper. Connie could feel the tension coming off the other gem. Something was wrong, something more than just a ‘visitor’ from Homeworld showing up out of nowhere.

“Well Domina, they are the native life forms.” the Pearl said. Domina? Connie thought. Why would a gem have a name

“Well yes...” The taller gem said floating gently to the ground, She placed her hand on the ship and a hatch in the side opened, falling to create some sort of platform. The tall gem sat on the lip dangling her legs and looked more like Steven or one of the cool kids hanging out on the edge of the boardwalk than any kind of threat. The Pearl sat next to her, seiza style.

“How long do you plan to stay my diamond?” The Pearl asked. The hushed whispering between Lapis and Peridot abruptly ceased and Jaspers eyes went wide.

“Ma’am aren’t Diamonds supposed to be well...bigger than that at the very least?” Connie asked. Peridot nodded open mouthed

“That’s not a diamond, definitely not that diamond there’s no...”Lapis started then glanced at Connie. “Well, one way.”

Connie’s eyes went wide as the implications set in, she glanced at Jasper whose eyes had narrowed slightly at the scene in front of her.

“How long do you think before word gets back to Yellow that I’m not with the fleet?”

“A month perhaps?”

“That should be enough time.” The Diamond said with a sigh. Connie retrieved her binoculars. Sure enough the Diamond, this Domina was wearing actual clothes, her skin was weird but there was a scar on the back of her hand, perhaps from a bramble or something, that had scabbed over. This is impossible Connie thought. Is it really? A corner of her mind asked. Gems have been around for thousands of years, there could be hundreds of hybrids out there.

“Connie do you have the warp whistle?” Peridot asked breaking from the hushed conversation the trio had been having as Connie mused.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Make for the warp pad and, the moment you see an advantageous opening, retreat home.”

“What kind of advantageous opening?”

“One provided by yours truly Con-con.” Lapis said patting the hammer at her waist. She looked nervous, as nervous as the other two.

“You’re really going to fight them? They look harmless.”

“A diamond’s power is not something to underestimate.” Jasper said.

“This could just be the beginning of a full scale invasion.” Peridot said. “We’ll deal with the problem decisively.”

“But, she’s like me.. What if we just asked her what she was doing here?” Connie asked.

“Too risky.” Jasper said then gestured to the far side of the Diamond’s ship. Moving through the underbrush was less likely to attract attention there, All Connie would have to do was be quiet.

---

There was something in the jungle around them. Well that didn’t really narrow things down, the area seemed full of life. But Domina figures that the something was at least something sentient.

Pearl had noticed it too. She had given Domina an anxious look and gestured with her head discreetly towards an area of foliage that had been moving a bit too much. Domina kept talking, trying to think out her options. If it was a member of the local wildlife that made things easier, they seemed like for the most part they could just be chased off. A local inhabitant would be a bit more complicated, her and Pearl had garnered some stares when they went to briefly check out a settlement near one of the warp pads, but that was in a densely populated area, not in the middle of nowhere. Worst-case scenario it would be a gem, some AWOL quartz or some such she would have to deal with, or even worse it would be Rose or another one of Yellow’s gems, sent to figure out why she was on Earth when she had been expressly told to stay away from the planet. Domina really didn’t want to deal with Rose Quartz today.

The rustle of movement had gone behind the ship, Domina started slowly walking to the opposite end, hoping to intercept it, still talking.

“I mean I can definitely see the appeal, the conditions here are good enough for silicates, for stars sakes. But there’s no way the planet would have ever gotten a pass these days.” A figure stopped at the edge of the front of the ship, a human girl from what Domina could tell. With black hair and brown skin, kind of like hers but more... normal. She seemed to be unarmed, harmless most likely. Domina stepped into view and smiled, trying to be as non-threatening as possible.

“Hello, I won’t pretend I know anything about your territory or capabilities but I do believe that this area may be too dangerous for you at the moment. I haven’t had any issues with the local wildlife but I-” She started to say only to stop as she took another look at the girl. Domina’s heart stopped. Sitting on the girl’s collarbone, No, embedded, was a yellow gem. She didn’t know what type but it was definitely there and definitely real.

“Um..hello.”The girl said, her face had gone red. She covered her gem with her hand but stared at Domina’s forehead. “I'm Connie.”

“Domina...” Pearl said Domina ignored her.

“Hello... I’m uh well, Domina, you....you’re like me!” Domina said smiling even bigger “Oh my star’s you’re like me. Pearl!” Domina spun around to face Pearl only to see not only Pearl but also an era two Peridot. Her form was decidedly nonstandard and she was wearing a set of limb enhancers that probably should have been replaced decades ago. They were functioning enough however to be able to have a hand-equivalent in defense mode and pointed directly at Domina. “Ah... I suppose it would make sense that you wouldn’t be the only gem on planet.” She said, not that there were supposed to be any gems on this planet, Yellow had it quarantined off. For some reason.

“State your purpose here.” The Peridot said crisply.

“I’d really rather you stated yours first.” Domina was still smiling, but it had gone tense.

“Ma’am I don’t think-” Connie said hesitantly from behind Domina.

“Connie resume your retreat.” Peridot said

“She’s fine, Am I really a threat? Your the one pointing a weapon at me.” Domina said. Her hands were slowly moving upwards towards her gem.

“No Diamond has ever had any altruistic intentions with regards to Earth, and you are also attempting to summon your gem weapon. Now step away from Connie.” Peridot said. Domina dropped her hands, glanced back at Connie thoughtfully. This was not how this meeting should go. Domina then glanced at Pearl, whose hand was also nearing her gem. They could get out of this. Domina dropped her hand.

“Well if you insist.” she said. There was a sudden wind and then Domina rocketed into the air, drawing her pale blue and gold saber. She smirked as Peridot trailed her with her finger-equivalent blaster, a smirk which then faded as a blue blur darted out from the tree cover.

Domina recognized the gem type in a heartbeat and struggled for a word that would precisely describe how screwed she was right now.

“Here’s Lappy!” A Lapis Lazuli holding a hammer twice her size gave Domina an ear-splitting grin before swinging the hammer to hit where the Diamond had been moments before.

“A Lapis Lazuli!” Domina cried, narrowly avoiding another attack from the massive metal mallet.

“Who thought it would a good idea to let you anywhere the same quadrant as this planet!” This time the hammer made contact, and Domina soared and crashed into a tree below, her sword dissipating in a sparkle of light..

“Oh you know, probably big blue, I can’t remember it was like a whole war ago.” Lapis said laying down midair to look at the fallen Diamond, head propped up on her hand. Domina lay there stunned for a brief moment before stumbling to her feet only to be met with a massive Jasper with a nose gem, wearing a battering ram eaque helmet. Lapis Lazuli and a Jasper, Domina thought. Why does this sound familiar? Out of the corner of her eye she saw Connie rushing towards them.

“Wait stop!” Connie shouted, “You can’t be serious, she’s not doing anything!” Connie protested. Domina resummoned her sword, if she was going down it wasn’t going to be without a fight.

“Connie. Home. Now.” Jasper ordered. The Gem took a step towards her and then a surprised step back as a translucent yellow wall appeared in front of her.

---

The Pearl next to Connie took advantage of the stunned moment to sprint forward, around the forcefield barriers and over to Domina. Connie took a deep breath, she heard Lapis land behind her as Peridot’s hand-equivalent returned to normal.

“Can we just talk?” Connie asked again, “Really ma’am, she was harmless until you threatened her!”

“Connie we can not afford to take risks when it comes to dealing with Homeworld gems, especially one.... like her.” Peridot chided glancing over at Domina who was currently being prodded by Pearl.

“Come on Pearly I didn’t hit her that hard.” Lapis said

“You knocked her into a tree!!” The Pearl spun on her heels to glower at Lapis.

“Yeah, she’ll be fine.”

“I am fine Pearl.” Domina said waving off the other gem.

“See?”

“What are you doing here?” Jasper said firmly, She had also stepped around the forcefield, casting a slightly disapproving look at Connie.

“Good grief.” Domina muttered she rubbed the area around her gem. “I came to have a look around ok? There’s not supposed the be other gems on this planet.” She attempted to move around Jasper again but was blocked so she turned to inspect the forcefield in front of her. “This is different. What are you, a topaz of some sort?” Domina asked Connie.

“No I... My mom was Citrine.” Connie said. The Diamond frowned slightly, with a thoughtful expression.

“Citrine... a Lazuli...and...” Domina glanced up at Jasper. A grin creeping over her face “Oh.... You guys really aren't supposed to be here.”

Chapter 36: Veni, Vidi, Connie - Chapter 2

Chapter by br42, Wierdkid20

Notes:

BR42 here. A reminder on the context surrounding this omake since it's been a while between Ch1 going up and Ch2.

First, this is the creation of Wierdkid20's; they wrote it, not me. The most I did was some proofreading and editing.

So, this fic represents an omake to the fic Domina Alba, wherein the hybrid daughter of White Diamond, Domina, makes a surprise (and surprising) visit to Earth. In the original fic, it's Steven and the canon Crystal Gems that are bumped into, not Connie, Lapis, Jasper, and Peridot. It's a fine fic and worth checking out, and we're real happy for this crossover.

Anyway, this omake was written with the intent of being accessible and enjoyable to readers unfamiliar with Domina Alba, so don't let that stop you.

How many stories had Connie read in which the character who was the last of their kind discovered that they were in fact not alone in the universe? It was practically the entire plot of the new series of Professor Which, but gem-human hybrid seemed like a pretty safe thing for her to be the only one of. It’s not like you could just find humans scattered around the universe.

And yet here was Domina, a gem-human hybrid, sitting on the couch, staring around the house much like Peridot oogled recently reopened gem ruins, or perhaps a hardware store. Pearl stood nearby, close to the door. Connie wondered if they had worked out some plan of escape. She had overheard the gems planning exactly what to do if things went south. But here, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the couch hunching over so she could look Connie in the eye, Domina seemed harmless.

She looked at Connie and Connie drew her hand to her gem, wondering if the Domina was having as many problems figuring out where to start as she was. Simple Connie, start simple.

“So uh.. You’re not from..Earth?” She said. Wait no! Too simple, stupid question. Domina laughed.

“No I’m from...” Domina paused and frowned for a second. “I grew up in the colonization fleet, spent a lot of time moving around.”

“A fleet? So you’ve been to a lot of different planets then?”

“I have. What about you?”

“Uh.. no, I haven’t actually ever been off planet” Connie said feeling her cheeks go red. Should she know more about other planets? Peridot always talked about how the gems were a space-faring race. Why should she be the exception?

“Ah well you’ve got time. How old are you?”

“Thirteen.” Connie said, “What about you” Domina grinned even broader.

““Four thousand, six hundred and thirty...” She said trailed off and looked at Pearl.

“Two.” Pearl supplied.

“Whaddaya know, an era 2 Diamond,” Lapis said. She grinned at Peridot. “This one’s a shorty too.” Peridot frowned and made some notes on her screen.

“Precisely how did White Diamond procure a donor of human dna?” Peridot asked.

“She 'borrowed’ my father from the human zoo,” Domina said.

“Human zoo?” Connie asked. Judging by Domina’s uncomfortable fidgeting it was exactly as bad as it sounded.

“Pink Diamond had a zoo full of humans, exactly what it says on the tin, we uh.. weren’t able to get them out before everything went down at the end of the war.” Lapis said rubbing the back of her neck. “Speaking of which, what are you doing with Pink Diamond’s Pearl?”

The pair looked at each other for a moment then Domina shrugged.

“Up to you,” She said

“White Diamond took me into her court after her own Pearl was lost during the rebellion,” Pearl said while keeping her eyes firmly on Jasper and Lapis. Domina nodded.

“Yup, Anyway Connie-”

“What do you know about the rebellion?” Jasper interrupted. Domina pursed her lips and in a split second Connie could see what exactly the gems were afraid of. It was like the temperature in the room dropped ten degrees. Then as quickly as it darkened Domina’s mood lightened again.

“Another squabble about intelligent life on a planet, this one went really wrong and ended up completely changing how we went about colonizing. We lost a Diamond and that sent Blue Diamond into a depressive spiral. Also we ended up with Rose Quartz somewhere along the way,” Domina said with a shrug. “Now if you’re done interrogating me?” In the split second before anyone could answer the screen door flew open.

“CONNIE!” Steven said, stars in his eyes. “Is that a spaceship!?!”

---

When Domina had decided to head for Earth she had been expecting a few weeks of walking around incognito with some of the local inhabitants, maybe checking out old ruins, diagnosing what the problem with the planets galaxy warp was. She wasn’t expecting to run into the remnants of that war. She hadn’t expected to come across another gem-human hybrid and above all she hadn’t expected to spend time with said hybrid and her human friend eating.. Ice cream?

“Sure you don’t want any, Pearl?” Steven asked handing over the payment for the food.

“I am quite sure, thank you Steven,” Pearl said. She walked next to them and had been watching Steven’s incessant questioning of Domina with mild amusement.

“So Diamonds are like the Queens of gems right?” Steven asked as they walked along the boardwalk. Connie was quiet.

“I wouldn’t say ‘queens’ but yes,” Domina said hesitantly tasting this ‘ice cream’. It was sweet, but not quite like the artificial sweetness that the ‘fruit’ from the human zoo tasted like.

“Cool, so do you, like, live on the gem homeworld? What’s it like? Do you wear a crown normally and you’re just running around in disguise like Queen Starkiller from Galaxy Trek?” Steven said. He was bouncing from foot to foot and his hands were moving in a way that seemed as if it probably had some sort of meaning. “Wait you probably don’t know who that is. Maybe I should start there, actually your spaceship kind of looks like the ones from Episode 4, do you think we have time to just watch the movies, have you ever seen movies bef-”

“Steven!” Connie cut him off, glancing at Domina red-faced.

“Right sorry,” Steven said looking up at Domina sheepishly. Domina smiled slightly, she was not used to being on the other end of a question flood.

“Well I don’t live on homeworld, I stay away from it as much as possible. It’s beautiful in it’s own way but...stifling.” Domina said. “And let’s see, no I don’t wear a crown, and I’m not really disguised,” Domina glanced at Pearl wondering if she was also remembering the various incidences when Domina had been mistaken for anything from a Goshenite to a Spinel. “I’m just not what people expect when they think ‘White Diamond’.”

“Do you have power’s like Connie does?” Steven asked.

“Probably not the same ones, though that trick with the force fields would be really useful,” Domina said with a grin in an attempt to pull the young hybrid into the conversation. Connie looked at her surprised, mouth full of ice cream.

“It’s really the only thing I can do reliably,” she said awkwardly.

“Yeah but you’ve got a lot of other powers to!” Steven said. He stopped and with one hand reached into his oddly shaped backpack. He pulled out a very...sparkly notebook with some writing on it, writing that looked close to the letters her father had taught her but not quite. Steven proceed to rattle off a list, each line making Domina’s eyebrows rise a little bit higher.

“Impressive,” she said when Steven had finished. Though that was an understatement, that power set was as wide-ranged as Rose’s.

“It’s all kind of been random, or they come out emotionally and kind of ruin everything...”

“Well that seems familiar, the first time I summoned my sword I cut my hand on it and ended up creating a huge windstorm,” Domina said.

“What about you miss Pearl?” Steven asked. Pearl jumped slightly at being acknowledged.

“I'm sorry. What do you mean?” she said looking warily at Domina. Domina grinned, she liked this kid.

“Well um Lapis can control water and miss Peridot has the floaty fingers and Jasper is uh... Jasper. Can you do anything like that?” Steven asked. White Diamond knew the human didn't mean anything by it but Pearl's embarrassed expression still struck a nerve. Out of the corner of her eye, Domina saw Connie's expression go wary. She shook off the annoyance while Pearl floundered.

“Pearl makes sure I stay alive and functioning. Without her I'd probably have worked myself into the ground at this point, or done something really stupid like thrown myself out of an airlock, again,” Domina said quickly.

“Woah you did that?!” Steven said momentarily distracted. Pearl gave Domina a mock irritated look.

“It shouldn't take me to remind you that is a horrible idea,” she said.

“Why did you?” Steven asked. Domina grinned.

“Well it all started while we were on this outpost station...”

---

Connie didn't think Domina was evil. She certainly didn't act like a villain, even an affable one who was just playing nice until things got serious. But there were flashes, like with Lapis, flashes that said, ‘I'm not an average gem, I should be feared’. But they didn't stick around. It was like there were two people: Domina and White Diamond. White Diamond was cold and blank and looked as if she wouldn't hesitate to react pragmatically. Domina chattered eagerly with Steven about her many adventures as they walked.

Peridot and the rest of the gems were waiting outside the beach house. Peridot ‘surreptitiously’ looking over the Styx. Connie could see Domina’s posture stiffen, her smile was maybe a little bit more forced.

And then there was a chime, a three note chime, over and over. And Connie saw Domina’s face change to shock seconds before she sprinted to her ship, smacking the side until the door opened.

Connie and Steven took off after her, arriving at the entry to the ship and maneuvering they’re way to the front. Domina faced them with a translucent screen, not unlike Peridot’s, in front of her, separating her from the assembled group. Her face had gone completely blank.

“What is it?” White Diamond asked. On screen was another gem, her face was severe, in a way she almost reminded Connie of Dr. Kurunthottical.

“Yellow Diamond,” Peridot muttered softly. Pearl jostled Connie as she wove her way through the group and moved towards the ship’s controls.

“You really shouldn’t be answering the line yourself Domina,” Yellow said with a frown. She didn’t actually look at the screen. She seemed to be focused on other things.

“I might as well.”

“Hm. Well, where are you?”

“Busy, checking in on things,” White Diamond said. Yellow Diamond paused and turned to direct her full attention towards her fellow Diamond.

“What sort of ‘things’?”

“Nothing of consequence,” Domina said quickly, briefly looking nervous. White Diamond re-schooled her features blank.

“What is going on?” Yellow Diamond frowned and turned back to her screens

“We need to talk, you, me and Blue. How far out are you?” Yellow Diamond asked. It took her a few moments to do the calculations in her head.

“About 2 hours,” White Diamond said. Then froze.

“That was a miscalculation,” Peridot whispered.

“How fast is this thing?” Lapis muttered looking around at the interior of the ship. Yellow Diamond apparently also noticed this. She pursed her lips and gave Domina a stern look.

“I told you to stay away from that planet White,” Yellow Diamond said.

“Yes you did.” White Diamond’s face remained blank as she attempted to stare down the other Diamond. Yellow rolled her eyes.

“We’ll speak of this later,” Yellow said. “Don’t waste time White.” The screen collapsed and Domina caught the communicator in one hand with a sigh and looked at Pearl, then at the rest of the assembled wide-eyed group.

“Well that's the end of this trip,” Domina said.

“Somebody’s busted,” Lapis said with a smirk.

“Uh.... so should we be worried that she knows you’re here?” Connie asked. Domina shook her head.

“No, you should be fine,” she said then quickly spun to go back farther into the ship. Connie and Steven leaned forward. To Connie it kind of looked like some kind of futuristic RV: beds were set into the walls, in the back she could see what kind of looked like a bathroom. Domina was rummaging through a box until she pulled out a sleek visor.

Here,” she said handing it to Connie. “If you manage to attract any trouble let me know. The Styx is pretty fast.”

“Oh come on,” Lapis said “IF we manage to attract trouble?” Domina paused, looked at Lapis, then at Connie directly.

“Ok if you manage to attract trouble,” she said pointing at Connie. “And you know.. if you just want to talk, that’s ok too,” Domina said rubbing the back of her neck. Connie looked at the visor and carefully put it on overtop her glasses, it fit perfectly. The visor lit up and a computer display appeared in front of her. All the writing was in gem but it seemed intuitive enough.

“Really? I can have this?” she asked. Connie tapped an icon and it opened something that looked alot like a word processor. The screen felt surprisingly solid considering it was essentially a hologram.

“Yes, of course. It’s my spare, and really I can’t think of another way to get in contact with this planet.” Domina looked at Peridot. “Is there?”

“No the main communication hub is... non-functional otherwise the easiest would be wailing stones which were being phased out during my time on homeworld if I remember properly and surely are practically archaic by this point,” Peridot said. Domina made a face the moment Peridot said ‘Wailing Stones’ and turned back to Connie.

“Keep it,” she said then nodded to Jasper. “I’ll keep this as quiet as possible.” The quartz warrior grunted and nodded before exiting the ship.

“Nice to meet you! You too Pearl! Next time you’re here we’ll have to watch Galaxy Trek!” Steven said extending a hand. Domina looked at it.

“You’re supposed to shake it.” Lapis prompted. “It’s a Greek thing.”

“Oh,” Domina shook Steven’s hand “Very nice to meet you too Steven.” The remainder of the group filtered out until all that was left was Domina, Connie, and Pearl.

“Well I guess I’ll see you around?” Connie said. Domina grinned and nodded.

“Of course, keep in touch and... you’ll figure your powers out, don’t worry about it,” she said hesitantly holding out a hand to Connie. Connie shook it and nodded to Pearl. Then exited the ship. The door to it closed and there was the sound of whirring engines and Connie made her way over to Steven and the gems. The gems were talking quietly and Connie strained to hear them.

“So a Diamond knows we’re here,” Lapis said looking up at the ship as it pulled out of Earth’s atmosphere to warp.

“What does that mean for us?” Peridot asked. Jasper frowned, keeping her eyes on the ship until it winked out of existence.

“We wait and see.”

Chapter 37: Deleted Scenes - Episode 17: Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Connie and Lapis narrate Wolf’s morning visit to the boardwalk.

Notes:

BurdenKing, MjStudioArts, and I had so much fun posting silly Wolf antics in our Skype chat that the rough scene ideas for Wolf Days of Summer took place there and kind of spilled over into a draft document from there. Thing is, I got into a good groove elaborating on these scenes such that when I invented the whole, “Connie and Lapis MST3K Wolf’s morning like a nature documentary,” I didn’t really stop to realize this particular scene didn’t at all work with Connie being deaf.

Oops.

Ah well, the Omake Collection is there so good prose don’t have to go unused just because of little flaws like flagrantly violating the fic’s canon. Also, props belong to BurdenKing for the Big Donut dialogue.

A Nature Dog-umentary

Lapis landed lightly and was already raising her 'bird watching' binoculars by the time Connie was able to slide off the gem's back and get her own wilderness survival binoculars in position.

"The yellow-breasted wolf warbler rises shortly after dawn. It's a new day and that can only mean the hunt for food and butts to sniff begins anew," narrated Lapis in a Morgan Freeman voice. Wolf was padding across the sand toward the boardwalk unaware of Connie and her observing him.

In a British accent meant to mimic David Attenborough, Connie picked up the thread. "As the wolf warbler approaches its first foraging site, let's look ahead and see what's in store for him at... the Big Donut."

"Oh, say 'sloth' or 'harem' like David does. It's hilarious," requested Lapis, adding, "'Slow-th,'" and giggling.

"One, don't break character, 'Morgan,'" chided Connie. "And two, I highly doubt I'm going to have reason to say, 'Har-eem.'"

"Eh, the day's still young for Wolf," retorted Lapis.

"So am I," answered the thirteen-year-old beside her.

"Oh. Right." Lapis cleared her throat and suddenly felt the need to polish the lenses in her binoculars.

That digression complete, the documentary continued as the pair swiveled their binoculars ahead to see a chipper Sadie busying herself inside the bakery while Lars appeared to be attempting to sleep on his feet, leaning against one of the display freezers.

"So, how was your weekend?" voiced Connie over whatever Sadie was actually saying.

"Same as usual: I was a self-deprecating jerkwad to anyone and everyone and sabotaged my own chances at hanging out with the Cool Kids. Yours?" answered Lapis on Lars' behalf.

"Hung out with the Cool Kids," 'said' Sadie while she stocked the display counter.

"Son of a bi-uh-anshee. Son of a banshee," Lars said, his awkward, mid-phrase save not lining up with his lips at all.

Connie rolled her eyes.

Sadie stood up, looking at Lars over the top of the counter. "You honestly just have to- LOOK OUT!"

Wolf barreled through the door, hit the recently waxed floor, and slid in a yellow heap across the tiles, bowling Lars over as he hit the counter and stopped.

"GAH! Curse you instant-karma and your yellow-breasted avatar!" shouted 'Lars' as he tried and failed to disentangle himself from the repeatedly slipping Wolf.

Sadie leaned over the counter and hauled Lars up and out of the one-dog mosh pit. A moment later, Wolf found his footing and was soon sitting up, wagging his tail excitedly.

Lars' dialogue devolved into cartoon expletives along the lines of 'rassafrackin' while Sadie reached behind the counter and pulled out an oversized dog biscuit, tossing it to the exuberant pooch.

"Here ya go, Wolf. May you and your completely awesome owners have a wonderful day," said a suspiciously Connie-sounding Sadie as Wolf padded happily (if a little unsteadily) out the door.

...Later...

Kofi glared at Wolf from inside his restaurant. Nanefua, however, finished hanging the streamers from Fish Stew Pizza's awning and hopped down from Wolf's back. She withdrew a slice of pizza from somewhere on her person and dropped it on the boardwalk for Wolf's benefit, scratching the large animal’s head as he ate.

Wolf raised a paw to shake with the diminutive woman and then continued on his way.

Faux-Freeman narrated. "The yellow-breasted wolf warbler has had an eventful morning but there's more just around the corner. Behold, the ring-haired beach hunk."

"What?!"

"Come on, 'David,' don't break character just because Pinkie is out making a fry run," chided a Lapis wearing a Cheshire grin.

Connie flushed, stammering a denial before relenting and looking back into her binoculars.

Steven looked worried. Connie panned over and immediately saw why: Peedee, wearing his Frybo costume, had stepped around the fry shop's corner and stood frozen as Wolf growled at him, hackles raised.

"Lapis! We gotta-"

"On it, Con-con!" answered Lapis as she let the binoculars dangle from the strap around her neck, hauled Connie into her arms, and winged at speed toward the boardwalk.

It turns out Peedee had mastered slipping free of the suit in a hurry, because the fry cook had the full-body costume off in record time and had staggered clear before Wolf pounced. The mauling was neither swift nor particularly thorough as Wolf transitioned from, 'save Steven from monster' to 'this is the largest, salt-flavored chew toy I've ever seen' part way through.

Twice Connie, Steven, or Lapis moved to break up the wanton destruction only for Peedee to aggressively fend them off. Eventually Mr. Fryman came out and did what he did to scare off the gulls --banging a pan with a spatula-- to break up the mascot massacre.

"We're reaaally sorry, Mr. Fryman," explained Steven while Connie nearly nodded her head off. Wolf seemed crestfallen, but every now and again he'd lean down and chew on a bit of loose Frybo stuffing when he thought no one was looking.

Mr. Fryman ran a large hand through his gravity-defying hair. "I guess I'll have to order another one."

Peedee, still in his undershirt and shorts, jolted like he'd been shocked. "No! No, you don't have to do that."

"Why?" asked his dad, confused.

"Why?" he laughed, a manic edge creeping in. "Because, uh, becaaause-" He looked at Connie and Steven pleadingly.

"Because... we can fix it?" answered Connie, trying to follow Peedee's lead. Evidently she followed wrong because Peedee was making discreet neck-slicing motions at Connie whenever his dad looked away.

"And have Wolf wear it!" exclaimed Steven.

Everyone stared at Steven. Even Wolf stared, head cocked sideways and mouth open, a bit of Frybo dropping to the boardwalk below.

Undeterred, Steven continued. "He'll be Dogbo and he can work off the damages. Peedee is great as Frybo, don't get me wrong, but Wolf is literally your fries' biggest fan. And he's yellow. Like fries!"

Mr. Fryman lifted his visor to scratch his brow. "Oh, uh, okay, I guess. That is, if Peedee is alright with it?"

Peedee nearly nodded his head off in his enthusiasm.

"I'll go inside and get a trash bag so we can gather up ol' Frybo's remains here for you all to do... whatever you're going to do," said Mr. Fryman before turning and walking inside, head shaking as he went.

As soon as the door to the shop swung shut Peedee dropped to his knees, arms upraised. "Deliverance!"

Chapter 38: Connie Finds Out About Lapis And Peridot's Secret Pop Career

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

Summary:

With Steven's VHS copy of the vintage Crying Breakfast Friends movie destroyed, Connie scours a seedy shop on the outskirts of Beach City looking for a replacement. She finds far more than she was expecting.

Notes:

Hi everyone. BR42 here. So, this wonderful, ridiculous omake owes its existence to my co-writers and I getting sidetracked during a brainstorming discussion about some future episodes of Connie Swap. One digression led to another and before long we were speculating about what Hiddenite must have looked like back in the 80s. While BurdenKing and I were writing short snippets of what the four-armed attention hog was getting up to in that decade (and how Connie would respond upon learning of it), MJStudioArts whipped up an absolutely fantastic pic of the fusion herself. Armed with that art as well as some wonderfully funny pawn shop dialogue by BurdenKing, I resolved to make this absurd prompt a reality.

Oh, and the title comes from a meme-tastic video by the oh-so-talented MKatwood. I maintain that this omake resembling the Youtube video is a case of convergent evolution rather than an explicit homage, but I can't rule out my subconscious recalling that video and nudging me in that direction. Regardless, MKatwood is wonderful and you should check out her channel if you haven't already.

Floating fingers flitted about with military precision as a procession of cables and adapters issued forth from the lava-lit stuff-heaps that were Peridot's room. The technician emerged last, limb enhancers out and holding a stocky VCR like a monk transporting a reliquary.

With practiced ease, Peridot's phalanges went to work hooking up the player. Peridot hovered nearby (metaphorically-speaking), supervising the work personally and speaking over her shoulder. "You were right to come to me, dear. This is the finest video cassette reader ever fabricated by human hand, further optimized by expertise and technology your paternal species may not attain for millennia to come."

With a final inspection, infinitesimal specks of dust swept off the gleaming case, Peridot straightened up to address Connie directly. "After all, this is the device I use for my bi-annual Camp Pining Hearts viewing on the original video home system cassettes, and nothing less than the best would suffice," preened the green tech.

Connie sat on her bed, positioned a little to one side to give her guardian room to work (and stay clear of the swarm of fingers). Sitting in her lap was a VHS tape in a generic sleeve, the name 'Universe' scrawled across it in faded permanent marker, a yellowed label affixed to the face and peeling slightly at one edge.

"Thanks, ma'am. Steven loaned me this old movie of his. Apparently the current run of Crying Breakfast Friends is actually a modern reboot. CBF was a show a long time back and this was the movie they made before it went off the air." Connie fingered the media in her hands, her general disinterest for weeping produce fighting a losing battle with her desire to be informed when she and Steven had the CBF critique talk they'd scheduled for this Saturday.

Connie scooched forward and gingerly slid the VHS into the player, Peridot stepping aside to give her room. The hand-written title on the label, CBF Movie - 1986, vanished from sight as the old media disappeared into the recesses of the pristine player.

"He said it's really hard to find, which I guess is why it's a homemade copy or something." Connie pressed play, then shimmied back a little on the bed and waited for the obscure film to begin.

There was a crackle of static followed by the last four seconds of a commercial for pogs. Just as the animation studio's logo was fading out and the title music was rising there was a sound like ice being fed into a blender. The video stuttered then went black, a coil of brown tape bulging out from the VCR's opening as more sounds of A.V. agony emerged.

"Gah!" squawked Peridot, lunging forward and jamming the stop button. Connie sat wide-eyed, unknowingly crushing the video's sleeve in her hands while watching the technician perform triage.

Looking over her shoulder, a snarl of brown tape still caught on her floating fingers, Peridot said, "We can take comfort, at least, that this didn't happen to one of the original video home system cassettes of Camp Pining Hearts."

---

The pizzamobile pulled over at the curb, allowing Connie to hop out in front of the pawn shop on the edge of town. "Thanks for the ride, Jenny!" said the girl as she stepped out of the pepperoni-painted convertible.

The driver's perpetual smirk grew into a full smile. "'s no problem, Con-con. But, uh, if you run into my dad, remember: this was the hospital and you were, like, really banged up."

"Okay. Got it," answered Connie, familiar enough with Jenny's perpetual quest in skipping work to roll with the ruse.

Jenny honked goodbye then quickly drove away, the pizzamobile's music rising to window-rattling levels as Connie turned and entered Beach City's sole establishment for hocked wares: the Bishop Takes Pawn Shop.

Aisles of castoffs piled high put Connie in the mind of Peridot's room, though lit by ailing fluorescent bulbs instead of aromatic lava flows. Connie approached the counter; a large man in a plain white t-shirt with deep scowl lines worn into his face was too absorbed in sifting through what looked to be a box of Funland Arcade prizes to notice her.

Connie cleared her throat, but the man appeared to be looking up the resale value of an aggressively pink Fancy Fairy Princess Tiara and paid her no mind.

“Excuse me, sir. Do you know if you have a copy of-”

Without looking up from what he was doing, the scowling man said, “CDs in the back, DVDs to the left, VHS is- HEY PAUL? WHERE ARE THE VHS TAPES?!”

A figure, presumably Paul, rose from behind a pile of castoff electronics that looked to be on the verge of toppling. He appeared to be in the process of detangling a rat's nest of cabling from a dozen different gaming consoles. He wore a long-sleeved sports jersey to some team Connie had never heard of and had a ball cap screwed on backwards over dishwater blonde hair. “What the heck is a VHS tape?”

“It’s one of those things that were things before the circle things.” This description was met with a blank stare from across the shop.

Connie was about to speak when the scowling man slammed the box of Funland merch down on the counter. This caused her to jump and made the assorted watches and jewelry locked within rattle. “Doze things ya had ta rewind an’ stuff.”

“Oooh, those things. Yeah, we have them.”

Connie, who hadn't actually managed to complete a sentence since entering the store, could only stand there as the conversation went on around her.

“I know we have them, ya idiot. Where are they?” barked the scowling man as calloused hands ran through the remains of his hair.

“Where are what?” answered Paul, arms up to his elbow lost somewhere in the depths of the console cabling.

“The- I swear to-" The heavy-set man looked at Connie for the first time since she entered. "Look kid, they're somewhere; go find 'em. It's a scavenger hunt or whatever, I don't care. Just stay away from the guns; I lost the padlock and I don't need another lawsuit." He began rummaging through the box once more, pulling out what looked like a ball swiped from one of the Funland skee-ball machines. Muttering, he leaned over as large fingers went hunt-and-pecking across a battered keyboard.

Deciding not to risk another conversalanche, Connie did as the man bid and walked deeper into the establishment. Peridot had once described the place as 'a viral, fire, electrical, and moral disaster waiting to happen,' and, seen up close, the gem's tirade sprang easily to mind. She passed a shelf whose organizational theme seemed to be 'porcelain keepsakes, cuckoo clocks, and taxidermy' and her hopes of finding a specific, rare movie dropped sharply. Rounding a corner and seeing a VHS tape being used as a doorstop for a door that wasn't even installed into anything made her hopes of finding it in playable condition sink even lower.

---

Connie stared, surreptitiously glancing at her gemstone to make sure this wasn't a particularly elaborate Nightmare Monster-induced hallucination. Crying Breakfast Friends: The Movie. It was wedged sideways in the middle of a towering stack of media players, right where the strata of LaserDisc players was giving way to Blu-ray, but there it was, even in the original packaging.

With special care not to topple the electronics Jenga pile, she wrested the video clear and accomplished her mission. It had been an arduous couple of hours sifting through bric-a-brac, 'like new' instruments that were anything but, as well as an endless number of remote-controlled cars without remotes. Through the whole, harrowing ordeal she had come face-to-face with no less than eight novelty talking fish, which would have unnerved her even if she hadn't watched that scary movie at Buck Dewey's house. And so it was, heady with relief and pride both, that Connie marched toward the front counter...

...and tripped on a skateboard that told others not to have a cow, man. Rather than throwing out her hands to catch herself, some instinct caused Connie to twist mid-fall and land with her shoulder, protecting the precious VHS tape instead. If she had to land hard enough to see stars and Peripoints before her eyes to save that darn tape, it'd be worth it.

The floor was caked with the glitter of scores of Lisa Frank trapper keepers. Connie sneezed and had to rub her eyes against the particles and the eye-watering rainbow garishness. The vacant stares of a dozen Monday-hating cat plushies bored into her from a nearby shelf. She had just risen to her feet when she blinked, an image flashing through her mind's eye. No, it couldn't have been... Right?

Crouching down, she pushed aside a dusty pile of slap bracelets and had to dig through a collection of neon-colored leg warmers before she saw it again: a four-armed, teal-colored fusion with poofy hair and a flirty grin in an outfit that left Connie literally speechless.

The inexplicable picture was printed on the front of a VHS cover, below-which read, Hiddenite In Plain Sight.

Once more Connie looked down to make sure her gemstone wasn't glowing. She pinched herself for good measure, but when she looked back down, three of Hiddenite's four eyes were looking up at her, the last in a wink that she had, judging from the surrounding merchandise, been holding for thirty years or more.

---

Connie made careful haste toward the counter, foregoing some of the care after passing Onion on his way toward the open and poorly-organized gun cabinet.

She gingerly placed both videos on the counter while the scowling man inspected a set of silverware, polishing the tarnished utensils with a rag whose original color was a mystery lost to the ages. As Connie was fishing out her money, the man took the Hiddenite tape, moving to place it behind counter. "Wait, I wanted to buy that!" she objected.

"No can do, little lady. Some blue babe with no shoes made me promise never to sell that tape when I didn't let her have it for free."

Connie stared at the man. "I'll give you two bucks for it."

His face uncreased slightly, attempting for 'offended' but landing somewhere in the area of 'exhausted' instead. "I am appalled; my word is my honor; I would never betray a promise in my-"

"Three bucks."

"Alright, sold. I'm outta bags so you'll be carrying it out. That'll be twenty bucks total."

"Twenty dollars? How much is that CBF video?" her voice heavy with skepticism.

"Seventeen. They don't teach math no more?" answered the man while the rag was doing a fine job spreading the grime in nice even layer across the spoon.

"No, I mean-" She resisted pinching the bridge of her nose, instead saying, “Why so much?"

"Are you kidding?! That movie is a classic. It's the basis for everything CBF is and would become. As an amateur movie critic, I can say with conviction that it might just be one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces ever made as a straight-to-video, fast food chain promotional item."

"If it's so great, why's it only seventeen dollars then?"

"Come on, kid. It's just a movie, calm down. Not like it's that Taj Ma-watchacallit. Now, either cough up the dough or scram; I got better things to do than teach some kid what don't know nothing 'bout movies math."

Officially at her wit's end, Connie simply pulled out the twenty dollars, slid it across the counter, swiped her purchased, and went to leave.

"What, no tip? Dang kids, don't know nothing 'bout hard work."

In her peripheral vision Connie saw what looked to be the red dot of a laser sight darting around the front of the store.

The owner of the Bishop Takes Pawn Shop gave an expansive sigh before barking, "HEY PAUL? DID YOU LET VIDALIA'S KID BACK IN HERE?"

"Nah, I ain't seen Sour Cream in awhile."

"Not that one, the small one."

"Yeah, he's the one what brought in that box of Funland junk. He's over by the guns, I think."

Connie left quickly, judging the immediate couple blocks unsafe.

---

By the time Connie returned home, stopping by the fry shop for a snack and to give Wolf/Dogbo some chin scratches, quite a bit of time had passed. Lapis was lounging in her spot at the window seat in a very cat-like manner despite the absence of a sunbeam. Peridot was running through some limb enhancer calibrations, which mainly involved doing stretches while adjusting sliders across a nest of holographic displays.

Hiddenite In Plain Sight was all kinds of baffling, but hearing that Lapis had (foolishly) extracted an oath from the pawnbroker not to sell it meant that it was embarrassing. And that made this way more amusing for Connie.

She placed her CBF tape down on the coffee table, holding the other one behind her back. "~Oh ma'am~" Connie singsonged, talking to the tall techie who was tetchy about her touch-tech.

"Hello dear," Peridot answered while making minute tweaks to the left limb enhancer's torsional configurations. "You will be pleased to know I have tested and installed a replacement video cassette reader for your entertainment system in the loft. It is not optimized like the previous player, but I can personally vouch for its functionality."

In a sleepy voice across the Beach House came a drawn out cry of, "Neeerd."

Ignoring Lapis' observations from the peanut gallery, Peridot spent a moment adjusting her prosthetic’s haptic feedback filters, saying, "But I fear I preempted you. Did you have something you wanted to ask?"

With a very Lapis-like grin on her face, Connie pulled the surprise find from behind her back. Waggling it in front of Peridot she asked, "What's this?"

"What's wha- LAPIS! ONE SURVIVED?!"

A distant, lazy voice called out, "Oooh nooo..."

Connie smiled fit to make her cheeks hurt as she played Keep Away from ten tiny, flying, green opponents.

Peridot's expression, however, was all worry lines and pleading. "Dear, please, you don't want to see that. How about we watch the Steven's tortured foodstuff footage instead? Or some modern movie drivel? There must be something with lens flares and an overreliance on computer generated imagery to distract ourselves with in lieu of this relic."

When these appeals failed, Peridot drew herself up to her full height and declared, "Connie, I forbid you to view that video!"

Connie used her coat to swat aside the floating fingers that were buzzing about her like angry gnats, her smile turning into a laugh. "Oh, now I have to watch this."

"Curse your current stage of child development's penchant for contrarianism!" spat the gem.

Apparently the skirmish had proven sufficiently interesting to rouse Lapis from her lazing because the Blue gem summoned her wings and, with a single downstroke, zipped past Connie, snatching the video from her surprised grasp.

Connie groaned while Peridot looked elated, but they quickly traded expressions when Lapis winged over to the loft and slid the video into the player. Lapis spun the video's sleeve on one finger as she faced the pair below. "It's throwback Thursday, P-dot, so it's time to face the 80s music."

"Why would you condone this?! Especially after we went to such lengths to wipe out the videos in the first place?"

"Eh, if there's one thing I've learned to live with, it's regret. And stopping girlie from watching it now is probably going to get us the teenager-equivalent of Vesuvius a year from now. Totally not worth it."

Peridot crossed her limb enhancers. "And what makes you the authority on adolescent psychology?"

Lapis cocked her head to the side, finger on her cheek in an exaggerated thinking pose. "Gee, you're right. What would I know about someone chafing against authority and engaging in impulsive behavior while being too immature to handle the consequences of those actions?"

There was silence through the Beach House.

"I'll prepare the popcorn," deadpanned Peridot before turning for the kitchen.

---

The screen was dark and little horizontal tracking lines flitted across. Then a tinny melody played, like listening to big band music through an old radio - all treble, no bass. It was slow and a little melancholy.

A door opened and Lapis walked in wearing a poodle skirt and blouse, a large bow visible in her hair. The lights rose showing a modest one-room home, complete with tacky, 70s floral wallpaper and what looked like a wood burning stove. Peridot stood with her back to the camera, limb enhancers thrust into the sink cleaning dishes. She wore black slacks, a belt, and a white collared shirt, though her man-of-the-house look was undercut by the giant, poofy hairdo she was sporting.

The whole scene, gems included, were sepia-toned. Combined with the music, the whole thing had a very deliberate old timey feel.

Lapis gave a tired wave which Peridot returned with a small nod, never turning away from her washing. Skirt swaying, Lapis crossed the room and changed the dial on the large, wood paneled radio that looked like a throwback to the 30s.

The music became a bit more uptempo, if still treble-heavy. A more animated Lapis was able to draw Peridot out to the middle of the room right after the latter dried her limb enhancers on a rag. The two fell into an easy rhythm together, going through the basic swing dance steps like a married couple unwinding after a long day.

The beat soon sped up, their dancing becoming more energetic while curls of smoke began to trickle up from the radio. As the two swung out at the tail-end of a Charleston their clothes ripped away, pulled off stage by hidden wires. This revealed the leg warmers, long-sleeved leotard, and shirt sagging off one shoulder that Lapis was hiding under her earlier attire. Peridot too wore a leotard, plus stockings and minus the lopsided shirt. The two swung back together, Peridot pulling Lapis into a dip and then there was flash of light.

The smoking radio exploded.

Back in Connie's loft Lapis stage whispered to Peridot, "Remember how angry the director got when that prop blew up?"

"Oh yes. We'd done so many takes that something overheated within the smoke generating mechanism, causing the effect. I feel like it worked rather well for an unplanned demolition."

Connie shushed them both, not wanting to miss a second of this surreal spectacle.

A synth-heavy pop beat took the place of the swing music. Sepia filter gone, the camera zoomed in as Hiddenite formed: up one leg (runs spontaneously appearing in the stockings), across her torso, down one arm, then another arm, then another... then another, before finally focusing on her smirking face behind a watery visor that was larger and more rounded than what Connie had seen on New Year's Eve.

Then the singing started.

It reminded Connie of some of the older Madonna songs her dad's movers had blared while hauling his furniture up to his apartment. The gist of the lyrics was that Hiddenite was there and everyone should pay attention to her. That wasn't too different from her appearance at New Year's Eve save that this was wrapped in the intro/verse 1/chorus 1/verse 2/chorus 2/middle 8/chorus 3/chorus out structure popular songs had been using for close to five decades.

The camera panned back from Hiddenite's face and it showed her standing shoulder-to-shoulder between two burly male dancers who seemed to have misplaced the sleeves to their denim jackets. This proved to be a trick of perspective: Hiddenite walked forward, dwarfing the two men with permed mullets when she actually reached them on the stage.

The whole time the background was shifting between eye-watering neon patterns in time to the music.

They danced. One of the men dipped Hiddenite like Peridot had Lapis, an impossible feat of leverage accomplished only because Hiddenite was hovering while he did it. The other man kissed all four of her hands, which prompted the two sleeveless suitors to threaten one another. After a moment enjoying the spectacle Hiddenite intervened, offering herself to both. The giantess then lounged sideways while the men lifted her overhead like a pair of workers hauling a heavy wooden beam. They walked her across the stage like she were a pharaoh in repose, all while she sang along to the music.

Hiddenite drifted back upright as one of the men grabbed an electric guitar off screen and began playing. With a gesture, the instrument flew from the man's hands into Hiddenite's and suddenly she was playing lead guitar. The second man rolled onto stage astride a drum set on a wheeled platform. Four bars later and the drumsticks leapt from his hands and a ferrokinetic drum solo broke out, the man hamming up his surprise and awe. Before long Hiddenite had upstaged both her backup dancers, a chamber quartet that tried to wander through the neon landscape, as well as a woman who had apparently been on her way to perform a recital with her collection of water-filled wine glasses.

By the song's bridge, the one fusion band had given way to just Hiddenite on stage with what must have been a very large chair to look to scale for her. Water was jetting from off screen, soaking her clothing one second and then flying off her into a watery nimbus.

Hiddenite stepped onto the chair's back and rode it to the ground, all while the water coalesced into a pair of transparent duplicates of her previous backup dancers. The fantastic trio danced out the final repetitions of the chorus and the music video ended on a close up of Hiddenite winking three of her eyes and blowing a kiss to the camera, her poofy hair blown back.

Just as Connie was getting ready to react, when she thought she'd witnessed as concentrated a dose of the 80s as existed, the next video began.

Hiddenite wore a camper's outfit that was obviously meant to invoke the ones from Camp Pining Hearts without actually giving grounds for a lawsuit. However, she had a teal top hat cocked at a rakish angle and she carried a long cane of the sort a gentleman might use while perambulating across the promenade. The song, Poutine on the Ritz, was the Canadian homage to the similarly named musical classic that Connie was certain no one had asked for.

Nausea being a common symptom of an 80s overdose, Connie found herself no longer interested in the popcorn.

The next video opened with a familiar collection of ersatz robonoids in leg warmers doing their best to high step in time to peppy music, the background a stylized sun setting behind wireframe mountains. Hiddenite and a troupe of people in tight-fitting athletic wear joined the set and what was apparently a workout video began in earnest.

When that video ended Connie could still see the side ponytails when she closed her eyes.

The next offering was a strange mashup of live action overlayed on low-quality animation, where Hiddenite had to help a cartoon Lapis and Peridot escape a brutish, long-haired monster. The art was sub-Looney Toons in quality, more on par with Hanna-Barbera's C-list productions. That combined with Hiddenite repeatedly humiliating the dumb, orange foe was enough to make Connie yearn for the weeping melodrama of Crying Breakfast Friends.

Mercifully, the credits and the Motion Picture Association of Canada logo scrolled by after that. The video clicked to a halt within the player.

Silence stretched on as Peridot and Lapis turned, awaiting Connie's response. Numbly, the girl shook her head and said, "You guys win. The next time I stumble across Pandora's trapper keeper, I'll leave it closed."

Peridot's eyebrows shot up and she turned to look over Connie's head at Lapis. "I was openly skeptical of your methods, Laz, but the data is incontrovertible. Nicely done."

Lapis gave an easy shrug. "Eh, nothing complicated, P. Teens are basically cynics in training, and the worst thing you can do is give a cynic what they're asking for." She stared into the middle distance, adding in a quieter voice, "Trust me, I know."

Connie managed to recover enough from her experience to ask, "What I don't get was how you guys were able to nearly make that vanish? I mean, I feel like I'm one slap bracelet away from throwing up, but people thirty years ago should have been blown away by all..." she waved broadly in the direction of the VCR, her nose wrinkling in distaste, "...that. Why wasn't it a bigger deal?"

Peridot sighed wistfully. "It made some waves in Canada, but the market was much more regionalized back then." Sparing a glance at Lapis, she added with little actual disapproval in her voice, "Additionally, I suspect Lazuli was less than diligent in her efforts to expunge it if you were able to find a copy within Beach City."

Lapis fluttered her eyelashes at Peridot, feigning innocence. Then she scowled, saying, "Plus, Madonna showed up a little after In Plain Sight dropped and suddenly Hiddenite was old news. I figured Hiddenite could make a comeback after that hussy faded out."

Connie blinked. "And?"

"And? It's been three decades and I'm still waiting! You can't be 'like a virgin' and have six kids! Why I bet her-"

"Laz! Consider your audience," warned Peridot, adding, "Also, I believe several of them are adopted."

When the Blue gem made no attempt to continue her tirade, Peridot looked to Connie and said, "Furthermore, the footage you witnessed was, I believe, quite expensive to produce in terms of additional takes and damages to the set. Hiddenite can be quite particular. I think it was when she demanded a trailer that was to scale that she was blacklisted by everyone in the business."

"Oh, right. That too," muttered Lapis. Shaking her head, she looked over at the girl beside her, ruffling her hair and announcing, "Well, that's enough scarring Connie for one day. You want to watch that video of Pinky's now?"

A 'yes' was on Connie's lips when she glanced over at the similarly dated VHS cover of cartoon crying. Connie felt her gorge rise and she quickly shook her head. "Oh, uh, can I have a rain check on that? I need to wash my ears out with some 90s grunge first; make a TubeTube playlist of Nirvana and Alice in Chains to play on repeat."

Connie staggered off to begin a round of aural detox.

Peridot ejected the tape from the player, sliding it into its sleeve and studying the cover for a moment. After a few more seconds of contemplation she said, "We did make a very well-choreographed video-morp, didn't we?"

Lapis smiled. "Yeah, we did, Periberry." She leaned in and waggled her eyebrows at Peridot. "~Hiddenite. In plain sight. Gonna light- the night- up bright~" she sang in a low voice.

Peridot smirked, eyes crinkling behind her glasses. "~Hiddenite. Watch my flight. A sight- Alight- at twice the height~"

Lapis slung an arm over Peridot's shoulders and then sang together. "~Of all ooothers!~"

"Aaargh!" cried Connie, clapping hands over her ears as she sprinted for the door.

Peridot and Lapis grinned at each other and sang the next verse even louder.

Chapter 39: Deleted Scenes - Episode 19: Sworn to the Shield

Chapter by br42

Summary:

One deleted scene and one alternate ending to Episode 19: Sworn to the Shield.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. There was one deleted scene as well as an alternate ending that didn't make it into the final version of Sworn to the Shield.

The first was Jasper giving Steven his Lord of the Rings reading homework back in Chapter 2. It was something I really wanted to work in but it just broke the narrative flow too much. Also, it was cut early enough that it didn't make the transition from reading like a script/stage directions.

The ending is for Chapter 4 and it was something I thought was hilarious but a co-writer of mine (rightly) pointed out that potty humor might not have been the best way to conclude one of Jasper's biggest emotional scenes. Still, I thought it was funny and, well, how did Doug use the restroom hanging out with Citrine back before the Beach House was built?

Lord of the Rings Homework - Deleted Scene

[Sometime after You Do It For Them]
J: "...like Samwise. Even when their master was poisoned and weak, he served them faithfully and allowed him to fulfill his mission. It is that kind of dedication that is expected of-"

S: "Wait, Samwise? That doesn't sound like a gem name."

J: [pause] "Samwise Gamgee. He's a hobbit. [sigh] Steven, have you read The Lord of the Rings?"

S: [fidgets] "Well, I read The Hobbit and then I started on the next book but I kinda quite and watched the movies instead... Most of the movies. I fell asleep during the last one."

J: [hard stare]

S: "Right, I’ll, um, go by the library on my way home them."
[lesson proceeds]

Doug Locked in Citrine’s Room - Alternate Ending

Doug paced the yellow room torn between boredom, worry, and torment from the ghosts of a thousand memories that were fettered to this very place. But more than anything else, he was in dire need of a bathroom.

That was another of the things he’d use the holodeck for, though where it all went after the flush had ever remained a mystery.

There was a whooshing sound that forced him to pivot in place. “Oh, thank goodness!” he said as he rushed the door.

Jasper stepped into the room and she was looking worse than he’d ever seen her, worse than he’d ever seen anyone save possibly the widower in the mirror back when the emotional numbness had worn off. Then she saw him and shouted, “Stars shatter me! No!” literally falling backwards and scrambling out of the room.

She rounded the temple opening beyond where Doug could see her and then there was the flash of the warp pad.

For a split second Doug was dreadfully worried for Jasper. Then his body reminded him how another emergency was at hand and he made the hobbling half-jog, half-run you did when you didn’t dare unclench your knees.

---

A minute after the bathroom door slammed shut, Wolf padded into the room. He sniffed the air then put his nose to the ground and snuffled a winding trail past old rose petals and an open-mouthed tiki mask. He stopped at the length of rope, sneezed, then picked it up in his mouth and gave it a couple of shakes for good measure.

With a single swipe of an oversized paw, he sent the baseball rolling across the room and out into the Beach House.

Content, he padded back the way he came, the rope still in his mouth as he looked for someone to play tug-of-war with him.

Chapter 40: Deleted Scenes - Episode 20: Together Breakfast

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Three alternate takes on the scene at the barn.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. Remember how Ep20Ch3 was, like, half the normal length of an update and I ranted about having to truncate and salvage the prose to give you even that much? Yeah, the second update to Episode 20 was a structurally unsound mess, not least of all because I was trying to cram the whole fusion story into July 4th, because, fireworks. Also, because Connie having a fundamental split in confidence from the Crystal Gems happening on Independence Day was something I really wanted to make happen.

But symbolism and fun parallels to past episodes do not make up for a bad story. What got cut then was cut for good reason and was not worthy of a Deleted Scenes entry. But a curious thing from my repeated attempts at making the prose work before eventually wising up was that I ended up with three different, unusued drafts of the same scene: Connie, Steven, and Greg going to the barn to pick up party stuff.

The following are those unused drafts. The first entry includes the start of the scene --there are differences between it and what wound up in Ep20Ch5-- but subsequent entries skip past that to where things diverge. Also note that these are 1st draft prose that were abandoned mid attempt because, well, they didn't work. So if it feels like a scene ends suddenly, that's because it

At the Barn - Encounter Jasper

“Keep it down back there,” joked Steven’s dad. “Any louder and I won’t be able to hear the sounds of silence.”

Connie was pulled out of her thoughts, the events of this morning playing over and over through her head. It was only after Steven laughed that she belatedly realized the joke, the like-named Simon and Garfunkel playing over the van’s speakers.

“Hehe, sorry dad. Connie and me are just a little distracted,” answered her friend.

“Oh, excited about the fourth, eh? I guess fireworks are cool no matter how many monsters you’ve faced down,” said Mr. Universe.

Connie shot Steven a grateful look, but seeing him meant she couldn’t help thinking about… before. When he gave her a relieved smile his cheeks flushed a little and she was pretty sure it was on his mind too.

The van stopped and Connie blinked, startled to see them already at the Universe family’s barn. “Alright you two, come help an old man get stuff for tonight’s celebration. Anything that blows up or you can sit on goes in the van.”

“What if it does both?” called Steven, her friend regaining his mental footing faster than her.

Mr. Universe laughed. “Probably best it stays in the explosion pile. You only need to have one on-stage pyrotechnics mess up to know fireworks belong above you, not beneath you.”

Connie trailed after father and son as they approached the most rustic of Mr. Universe’s storage. While the former was working on the combination lock, father and son shared some joke about luggage that Connie couldn’t follow. Connie helped Steven haul the heavy, sliding barn door once the lock was open.

She was brushing the rust and wood fragments off her hands when she looked up and froze in her tracks, Steven bumping into the back of her a beat later. Piled high was a hoard that rivaled Peridot’s. This was doubly impressive when you considered that Mr. Universe hadn’t been on Earth for close to four hundred years and didn’t have access to a space that was bigger within than without.

“Is… is that a ramjet?” asked Connie, prodding the jet engine with a shoe while Mr. Universe waded through the teetering piles of stuff.

“Huh? Oh, maybe. My aunt and uncle were big aviation buffs and this is all their stuff. Well, and some of my stuff too.” He ducked under an airplane wing that formed an arch between sheer walls of boxes. “Okay, mostly my stuff.”

Connie helped a rolling cart laden with folding chairs navigate the box- and aerospace-maze, Steven’s dad pushing from behind. Once they escaped the barn, Mr. Universe wiped his brow and they both noticed Steven rummaging through a box labeled ‘Shoes - Old Really Old.’

“Whatcha doing, Shtu-ball? All of those are gonna be too big for you.”

Steven whipped his head up and then blushed. “Oh, um, I was just looking for some shoes for, um…”

Connie’s eyes went wide. “Jasper!” she blurted out.

“Jasper?” father and son answered, the latter clapping a hand over his mouth as he said it.

“Yeah, uh, Jasper can shapeshift down to normal adult size, but she doesn’t have any shoes that fit when she does it,” ad-libbed Connie.

“Really?” asked Mr. Universe, scratching the back of his neck.

Steven looked like a deer caught in the lights of an oncoming truck. Connie, however, had been lying to her dad and trio of guardians for most of her life. Caught between personalities like those, doing so had been a matter of survival… to say nothing of the explicit lessons she’d received from Lapis. “Yeah, it doesn’t come up often. Steven’s just being really thoughtful.”

Steven’s blush deepened. “You think so? Even though, ya know, it was just that one morning.”

Connie didn’t want to smile. Connie tried not to smile. Connie smiled. “Well, I mean, it can’t hurt to have some around.” She remembered her previous concerns and was quick to add, “Just in case. It’s not a regular thing.”

“No- no, of course not,” stammered Steven.

The two suddenly found the ground very interesting, cheeks flushing.

Mr. Universe looked between the pair and then shrugged. “Well, if she wants ‘em…” and then he resumed pushing the cart over toward the back of the van.

A glimmer of light caught Connie’s eye, that long-drilled situational awareness calling it to her attention. It was for that reason and that reason alone that she wasn’t completely caught flat-footed when Mr. Universe said, “Oh, hi Jasper. I think Steven and Connie have those shoes you were needing.”

Jasper stared at Steven’s dad with an even larger look of puzzlement than she usually did interacting with humans.

Right. There was a warp pad nearby. Connie had learned that coming back from her mission with Tiger’s Eye, in fact.

Steven looked like he was trying and failing to swallow something. Connie felt herself pale. Whenever you can, don’t let them compare notes, Lapis had taught her. “HelloJasperLet’sGoTalkOverHereSoWeDon’tGetInMrUniverse’sWay!” She grabbed Steven’s hand, then marched teen and Quartz around the side of the barn.

The large gem looked even more baffled, but she managed to reassume a look of stoicism soon after. She looked to Steven. “This is yours?” she jabbed a thumb at the barn.

“Oh, um, yeah. Well, no. It’s my dad’s. I mean, it’s been in my family and it used to belong to my great aunt and uncle and I think Andy, who’s my uncle but not my great uncle although he’s pretty great too once you get to know him, keeps some stuff there so maybe that makes it-”

“Steven!” interrupted Connie.

“It’s my dad’s,” he clarified.

Jasper gave a hint of a shrug. Then she squared her shoulders and faced the both of them, the gem transforming from curious to commanding in a moment. “I respect your tactics from the sky arena. It was an unusual plan, but it was well-executed.”

Connie and Steven shared a look. Eventually Steven, hand rubbing his arm nervously, asked, “So you’re not mad?”

Jasper stared at Steven an uncomfortably long time. “I will afford the victor the respect they are due.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” said the teen. Then his expression softened and he took a half-step forward. “I was thinking that that must have been hard for you. I know I-” he paused and glanced at Connie, appearing to reconsider his words. “What I mean is, Citrine was special to you."

[Steven extends his offer of listening and understanding to Jasper]

At the Barn - Encounter Lapis and Peridot

Connie helped a rolling cart laden with folding chairs navigate the box- and aerospace-maze, Steven’s dad pushing from behind. Once they escaped the barn, Mr. Universe wiped his brow and they both noticed Steven rummaging through a box labeled ‘Shoes - Old Really Old.’

“Whatcha doing, Shtu-ball? All of those are gonna be too big for you.”

Steven whipped his head up and then blushed. “Oh, um, I was just looking for some shoes for, um…”

Connie’s eyes went wide. “Peridot!” she blurted out.

“Peridot?” father and son answered, the latter clapping a hand over his mouth as he said it.

“Yeah, uh, Peridot sometimes wears shoes over her gravity connectors, but she doesn't have many that fit when she does it,” ad-libbed Connie.

“Really?” asked Mr. Universe, scratching the back of his neck.

Steven looked like a deer caught in the lights of an oncoming truck. Connie, however, had been lying to her dad and trio of guardians for most of her life. Caught between personalities like those, doing so had been a matter of survival… to say nothing of the explicit lessons she’d received from Lapis. “Yeah, it doesn’t come up often. Steven’s just being really thoughtful.”

Steven’s blush deepened. “You think so?”

Connie didn’t want to smile. Connie tried not to smile. Connie smiled. “Well, I mean, it can’t hurt to have some around.” She remembered her previous concerns and was quick to add, “Just in case. It’s not a regular thing.”

“No- no, of course not,” stammered Steven.

The two suddenly found the ground very interesting, cheeks flushing.

Mr. Universe looked between the pair and then shrugged. “Well, if she wants ‘em…” and then he resumed pushing the cart over toward the back of the van.

Voices filtered in that Connie originally mistook for an auditory hallucination; back before she'd gotten working hearing aids it wasn't unusual for her to have someone on her mind and think she heard them even if it made no sense for them to be around. It was for that reason that Connie was caught flat-footed when she heard Steven's dad say, “Hey you two. Oh, Peridot. I think Steven has those shoes you were needing.”

"Papaverse?" said Lapis, startled.

"Shoes?" asked Peridot.

Connie peeked around the corner. "Lapis?!"

Lapis nearly jumped. "Connie?!"

Connie felt Steven behind her, her friend leaning around the corner too. "Miss Peridot?"

"Oh, hello Steven. What's this about footware?"

Steven looked like he was trying and failing to swallow something. Connie felt herself pale. Whenever you can, don’t let them compare notes, Lapis had taught younger Connie. “HeyLet’sGoTalkOverHereSoWeDon’tGetInMrUniverse’sWay!” She grabbed Steven’s hand, then marched teen and gems around to the far side of the barn, Connie seeing Mr. Universe's perplexed face just before disappearing around the corner.

Lapis arched an eyebrow. "Dot needs shoes like a Ruby needs a heater. What's going on, Con-con?"

Make it about the other guy. You're not lying when they're doing the talking.

"Nothing big. We're helping Mr. Universe haul some things," said Connie with feigned indifference. "What are you guys doing out here?"

Peridot's eyes went wide. In her peripheral vision, Connie could see Steven's had been that way since the gems' arrival.

Lapis affected an air of nonchalance. "It's a nice day. Thought we'd go out. I mean, what's the point of saving a planet if you can't go walk around in it now and then?"

[Try and draw parallels to the fact that both pairs are lying about their furtive fusion, have both sets walk away happy at hoodwinking the other while swearing their partner to secrecy.]

At the Barn - Connie and Steven Talk

Mr. Universe looked between the pair and shrugged. “Well, if she wants ‘em…” and then he resumed pushing the cart over toward the back of the van.

The three of them continued to load the van up, and the two teens continued to find reasons for being flustered. Steven's dad seemed to find something amusing though Connie was too distracted to really think on what.

"Would you look at that," exclaimed Mr. Universe. "I overloaded the van so that there's not room in it for you two. Must be getting forgetful in my old age."

Connie peered at the van's interior. It was cluttered but they could probably-

"I tell ya what, I'll run back to town and get the mayor's people to unload this real quick and then I'll come and pick you kids up."

Connie and Steven exchanged looks and then nodded vigorously.

Mr. Universe chuckled at some private joke then climbed into the driver's seat and waved out the window at them as he pulled away.

Steven dragged a box over for Connie to sit on, then got one for himself. By the time they he was seated, Connie was wringing her hands.

"I can't stop thinking about it either," said Steven, breaking the ice and voicing what must have been written plainly across Connie's face.

"But, what are going to do about it? It's not like we can tell the gems!" Connie scratched the back of her neck, nervous energy driving her to add, "And I'm pretty sure this would fall outside your parents and my dad's comfort zones as well."

[Agree to choke down the bitter pill of staying secret about it, hear noise, encounter Hiddenite, reconsider secret, Jasper barges in.]

Chapter 41: Me, Myself, and I

Chapter by br42

Summary:

A look at what might have happened with Steven and Connie between Together Breakfast Chapters 3 and 4.

Notes:

Author's Note: I’m using female pronouns for Stevonnie as a stylistic choice. I’m fully aware that’s not technically correct.

Note from BR42: Let me state that this fic is written by TexasAndroid, a fine fanfic writer who, at least at the time of this posting, does not have an AO3 account of their own. All I did was some proofreading and editing.

Music played softly from a cell phone.  It was the same electronic instrumental as previously, in case that specific song had been part of the catalyst.

The two figures danced across the beach.  Step by step. In time with the music and with each other.  They weaved in and out, but this time they maintained contact with each other.  Mostly just held hands, dancing together to the upbeat rhythm of the song.

The song ended, and the teens separated.

“Hmm.  That’s strange.  Nothing happened,” spoke the girl.

“I think we’re trying too hard.  Last time, it just kinda happened,”  spoke the boy. He stepped over to the cell phone and tapped on it a few times.  “Let’s try it again, except this time, let’s not really try. Let’s just dance, and enjoy that.” He began to dance to the music once again, moving in closer to her.

The girl nodded and joined in.  This time they didn’t hold hands, and just danced.  Right as the song was ending, on impulse, the boy reached out and spun the girl in, wrapping his arms around her.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, and once again they began to glow.

---

The glow faded and once again there was a single figure standing where previously there had been two.

“Steven?”

“Connie?”

The figure looked down at herself, and could see the once again merged clothes.

“We did it.  We’re fused again!”  She raised a fist into the air in a bit of a victory declaration.  She spun in place, wildly giggling.

“This feels so very strange.”

“I can’t tell if we’re one person now or two people.”

“I think we’re both… and neither.  We’re… an experience.”

She nodded.

“So what do you… we… I… want to do now?”

“We need to make sure this is a good experience. Let’s just have fun.”

“Hmm.  You know what?”

“What?”

“Wheee!!!!” she launched into motion. Running.  No destination, just running. Down the beach. After about 20 seconds she launched herself into the air.  A long jump that seemed to take forever. As she touched down she instantly transitioned into a series of cartwheels.  Cartwheeling down the beach.

As she tumbled out of the last cartwheel she looked around.  Her aimless run had brought her to an area where the shore stretched up into a ledge out over the water.  She ran to the edge and looked over. It was about a 20 foot drop down into the water.

She giggled wildly again, and after stepping back around 10 feet for a running start, she launched herself off the ledge and out into the water. “Eeeeeeeeeee”

---

A couple of minutes later the waves gently washed her to the shore, floating on her back.  She was laughing almost uncontrollably.

“Grrrrrrrrrrrr”

She looked down at her grumbling, empty stomach.

“I think we’re hungry.” She sat up and looked around.

“We left a lot of nice food back in the basket.”

“Right.”

She set off walking down the beach, back in the direction of the picnic basket. She idly hummed a tune as she walked along, wringing water out of her hair.

It didn’t take all that long to reach the picnic blanket and basket.  She walked up to the basket and rummaged inside for a few moments, before pulling out two pastries.

“Sweet.  Two donuts!  One for me, and one for… uh… me…”

“Are you OK?  We can stop if you…”

“No… no… don't worry.”

She sat on the picnic blanket, humming to herself as she finished off a donut.

“Here comes a thought…”

“Hmm?”

“Hiddenite has abilities that neither Lapis or Peridot has.  I wonder if we have any such abilities.”

“Hmm.  I have no idea.  How would one go about figuring out an ability if we don’t know about it?  All of Connie’s abilities she just sort of accidentally discovered.”

“Yeah.”

She was silent for a few moments, then a smile spread across her face.  “But I do know of one ability that Connie definitely has, but hasn’t been able to master.”

She stood up and held out her hand in front of her, fingers closed, arm straight, hand at almost head level.  She closed her eyes and appeared to focus inward. Nothing seemed to happen for a few moments, then a shaft of yellow light slowly materialized in and above her hand.  It took a few moments to fully take form, but when it was complete, she held a glowing yellow sabre in her outstretched hand.

With a squint she opened her eyes, not sure whether anything had actually happened.  Upon seeing the sword both eyes shot open, surprised that it had actually worked. Her other hand quickly shot out and grabbed onto the sword-hilt as well, now holding it two-handed style.  Between the possibilities of dropping it or sending it rocketing away in a blast of energy, she held onto it in almost a death-grip.

After almost a minute of simply staring at it, she loosened her grip a little, resuming her one-handed hold.  Then she turned the sword level to the ground and deliberately released her grip entirely. The sword dropped towards the ground, but evaporated away before actually hitting.

With a nod she reached out her hand and concentrated again, eyes open this time.  It took only a few moments for the sword to again materialize in her hand.

She picked up Citrine’s shield from where it lay near the blanket and attached it to her left arm, powering it up as she did.  She dropped into a few practice sword forms. Connie’s skill at swordplay and Steven’s growing skill with the shield seemed to merge together in her mind, and she found that she knew exactly how to work with either.  Or both at once.

A few practice swipes with the sword and she nodded.  She dropped the sword again, powered down and removed the shield.  

She stood still in one spot.

“Three, two, one…”

She took a deep breath.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

She collapsed onto the blanket in spasms of half screams, half uncontrollable laughter.

Finally getting control of herself a bit, she managed to sit up on the blanket.

“That was SO COOL!!!!”

“I know.  I’m surprised we managed to avoid freaking out as long as we did.”

“Yeah, but doing something like this while holding a magical lightning sword would have not been a particularly smart idea.”

“Definitely not.”

She picked up the second donut and began to slowly eat it, the pastry helping to calm her down.

“On the other hand, I think we have to admit, that sword felt… right… in our hand.”

“True.  It’s our sword.  It’s a part of us.  Citrine had hers, Connie will have hers at some point, but this one was ours.”

After a minute of slowly eating the donut, she sighed and spoke again. “As fun as this is, we can’t stay like this forever.”

She finished off the pastry.

“True. Well, if we’re done with this, there’s just one more thing we should try.”

“Hmm?”

She reached into the picnic basket again and this time pulled out a banana.  After a moment to peel it she took one large bite and began to glow, before splitting in two…

Chapter 42: Peridot's Secret

Chapter by br42, meooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww333

Summary:

Peridot has been secretly attempting to gain magical powers, despite being an Era-2 gem. She believes that this time it will be successful for sure. However, everything goes awry when a certain somebody shows up unexpectedly. What will happen now that her secret is out?

Notes:

BR42 here. MK Foodshops (or Marshmallow-Kat in the Connie Swap Discord) wrote this sweet little omake. I merely proofread and posted it here. All praise and attention belong to MK Foodshops.

Enjoy!

Peridot yelped as she tripped over a rock and tumbled on the grass. She slowly lifted her face from the pile of dirt she’d landed on. It was a clear, moon-lit night with nothing but the chirping of crickets. The sea of trees wavered gently in the soft, autumn wind. Beyond, she could almost see the temple clearly.

She picked herself back up and gathered her scattered equipment from the fall.

I ought to be more careful, quickly thought the green gem. Carbonite isn’t exactly renewable, considering the number of injectors from the Kindergarten is diminishing due to my numerous attempts.

She sighed as she heaped the last plasma conductor onto her arms. It had been many years now, and so far all of her attempts had been unfruitful. It was true that statistically speaking, it would be highly unlikely to develop some of the powers that Era One Peridots had, and she was just fated to use the metal enhancements forever, to make up for the lack of “magical abilities.”

So what was it that kept the green gem going? Maybe she just wanted to see at least some sign of progress, at least some sign that she was improving ability-wise, not just from a technological standpoint. It would probably never happen, but to imagine suddenly announcing to the team that she’d discovered her magical abilities was such a nice thought.

She had to keep it a secret. Yes, away from the others. It would be so ridiculously embarrassing for the magnificent Peridot to even want to develop magical abilities. Clearly she is needed on the team because of her technical abilities, not her magical side. Her role in a battle or in cumbersome situations was enough. Or was it?

Peridot shook her head to clear away the thoughts. She had arrived. The barn was right in front of her. She made sure that nobody could see her or knew what she was up to. Connie was asleep at this time, and Jasper was taking a patrol around pretty much anywhere in the world. Lapis was likely relaxing somewhere while chewing on donuts. The green gem made sure to take extra precautions such as telling the gems beforehand that she was collecting data on magical energy in different parts of the world. Nobody would expect her at a random barn, of all places.

She looked around inside. It was filled with a bunch of junk and dust. Stuff the human owners would put inside and forget about. Well, except that there was a shining titanium-steel machine in the center of it all.

Peridot screwed in the last gear and flicked on the switch. The machine whirred and roared to life. A thin disk that connected to the machine lit up. It was ready. These were the last parts, and all she had to do was stand under the disk and activate it. She’d made all the calculations and it should have a reasonable chance of... doing something, at least.

She frowned. It was still worth a shot.

The technician stood right under the disk. Just before she pressed the activation button combination, an abrupt thud was heard from outside, followed by an oof . Peridot stiffened immediately. She quickly climbed the ladder into the upstairs hayloft and hid in a shadowy corner near the entrance.

After a period of waiting that seemed like forever, the green gem peeked out the window of the barn. Suddenly, a face appeared from above and filled the frame of the window.

“Boo!” shouted the intruder. Peridot stumbled backwards and fell down from the second floor of the barn.

“Haha! I gotcha there, P-dot. No recovery from that one! But really, are you alright?”

At the mention of the familiar nickname, Peridot covered her face and groaned. “Lapis. I thought you were busy.”

The graceful blue gem swept onto the floor of the barn. “Whoa, strange. I thought you were busy.. ah what did you say? Collecting data on magical anomalies? Ooh yes, very important work for the amazing Peridot!”

Peridot quickly picked herself up from the floor of the barn floor. “How did you find me, Lapis? It is close to statistically impossible for you to simply appear here at the exact same time and place as me.”

The ancient gem winked at her teammate. “I literally just followed you out of the temple, silly. I knew you were up to no good, carrying hunks of metal.” Lapis huffed and swept some of her hair to the side. “I mean, you were probably afraid of using the warp because we could detect it.”

“Well that’s surprisingly intuitive of you, Lazuli. You see, using the warp would damage the equipment that I am using to track magical anomalies across the world. Setting it up here at this sparse human barn is the perfect place to send the signal with no light interference or pollution,” Peridot said quickly.

Lapis smiled playfully. “You can’t fool me, P-dot. Come on, look at this fancy equipment. What are you really up to? Why haven’t you been telling the team? What, trying to contact Homeworld again?”

Peridot cringed at the last question before regaining her composure. “Okay fine, yes. There’s no fooling you, but I absolutely refuse to tell you.”

“You’re trying to gain magical powers, aren’t you,” Lapis said flatly. “I’ve been secretly reading your work notes lately.”

Peridot’s eyes widened. “I- What- Okay! Fine! Yes! Okay first of all, that is most definitely a breach of privacy! Second of all, that’s true...” She looked to the side.

The blue gem looked sympathetically at the green one with amusement. “Oh Peridot, you know you could tell me. Look, you’re perfect to me the way you are. You don’t need magical powers or any of that mojo at all.”

Peridot stepped backwards a bit. “Lapis.. Listen. I.. I don’t feel whole sometimes. Sometimes when I see you flying through the air with watery wings, I wish I could do that. You know, not just carrying me or me flying with my equipment. With magical abilities.”

She took a deep breath and continued. “Or even summon a weapon like Citrine or Jasper. I want something to fight with that comes from myself, not things I have to repair everyday just because they are overused and damaged from dealing with difficult situations. I just.. don’t know what to do.”

Lapis suddenly pulled Peridot in for a tight embrace. The engineering gem embraced her back. “Oh, hush. Listen to me well, P-dot. What makes you special is not the things you can’t do, but the things you can do already,” she whispered. “And you know, I totally get what you mean. If you want to know it from my perspective, sometimes I wish I could do all the crazy techno-science stuff you do. It may be different in your view, but you should know that there is absolutely no difference. Never, ever think less of yourself.”

The green gem didn’t even notice the tears sliding off her visor. “L-Lapis.. I...”

The blue gem interrupted her. “One last thing, Peri. Please know that whichever decision you make, whatever you choose, I will always have your back. You are who you are, and you will always be the Peridot that everybody knows and loves.”

She slowly let go of the hug. “Now, Peridot. What will you choose?”

The engineer gem lifted her visor, wiped her eyes, and looked at the machine. She should have realized the truth a long time ago.

“Lapis. Want to help me dismantle the machine?”

The ocean gem smiled gently. “As long as it’s with you, P-dot.”

Chapter 43: Escape from Homeworld: Part 1

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

Summary:

Novaculite, a warp pad technician and veteran from Earth, needs to find a way to the one planet she knows Homeworld won’t follow her.

Notes:

BR42 here. I forget exactly how this story idea emerged between me, MJ, and BurdenKing, but it quickly got traction between us. So much so that Burden and MJ scampered off to talk gem OCs and even draw up some designs while I sketched out some story beats. After the initial burst of enthusiasm, demands from the main fic and life got this whole thing shelved for about two months. But, with the main story advancing and there being this nice little break between Ep20 and Ep21, I decided to resume this omake. Here we have our first time seeing what's going on in Homeworld, or a tiny slice of it, at least, within the Connie Swap setting. This fic is 100% canon and conforms to reveals from the main fic (while also revealing some new things itself).

I hope you enjoy the character models that MJ was kind enough to draw for the OCs she and BurdenKing devised for the story I wrote.

(1/21/19) EDIT: We now have art of Novaculite up!

Novaculite paced soundlessly back and forth, her limp growing worse in time with her agitation. She'd formed with a tiny impurity in her gemstone which meant one leg was slightly shorter than it should be. You'd hardly notice, the Kindergartners hadn't, but it left the stocky gem with a wobble she had to shapeshift to correct.

When she could remember to. Given the smoking crater where a warp pad had been a moment ago, it had slipped her mind.

"This is bad. This is reaaal bad. This is date-with-Malachite bad." Novaculite's words failed to escape her lips, the gem pacing through a room newly opened to the vacuum of space. When the warp pad had detonated, it had destroyed an external section of wall. And an Era-2 twit of a Peridot.

Unlike the wall (or the Peridot), warp pads were expensive.

Novaculite continued her teetering circuit of the room, hands gripping her thick mane of hair. "I told them. I did! 'Hey! There's an irregularity in that one,' I said. 'It's within tolerances,' they said. Smug piece of schist. They're not going to tolerate this!"

All gems in the Diamonds' illustrious empire had a record. Novaculite's wasn't great. There was a reason she was assigned to this backwater warp hub, after all.

Novaculite stopped in her tracks. With no difficulty at all she could envision her supervisor scheduling her for harvesting. That officious Agate was smiling while she did it.

"Shatter that," she said soundlessly. "Shatter that sideways with a rusty injector," she added. She began gathering ruined warp pad crystal, weighing them carefully in one of her large hands before stacking them on an intact pad.

Her snarl became a manic half-smile. "Not today, Agate. You're dealing with a gem who's been losing since before your Kindergartner's Kindergartner emerged. It takes smarts to lose that long and still not hit bottom."

Novaculite made a lopsided jog over to the control panel. Working quickly she programmed something in and then gave a sarcastic wave goodbye as light enveloped the pile of rubble. A mass equivalent to Novaculite was going on a bewildering ride across a half-dozen warp hubs, each more trafficked than the last.

Using her admin privileges, Novaculite found the failed warp in the log --having the warp pad explode was a darn good reason to flag it as unsuccessful-- and rescheduled it for thirty seconds from now. She then fudged the log so that it would look like it had been both successful and on time. Any halfway competent warp technician would spot her subterfuge in a second... which meant it would probably be tens of cycles before anyone was the wiser.

Novaculite ran to the warp pad and then shrank down, becoming an off-colored Peridot complete with faux limb enhancers. She vanished in a beam of light, an appropriate mass heading off to an appropriate destination.

That mental image of her supervisor wasn't smiling anymore, but Nova-dot was.

---

There was a single, intact warp to Earth. The war had been crazy, all sorts of cockamamie stunts had been pulled, and no one knew what anyone else was doing. So an alternate warp network to Earth had been established and then forgotten in the chaos of the withdraw.

It was a secret, so naturally everyone had heard of it.

Novaculite had her doubts. Not that someone had built and then lost a warp network; that sort of incompetence was utterly plausible. No, what Novaculite found suspect was that someone hadn't already blabbed to someone important about this escape route.

Others called Novaculite a pessimist. When she bothered to reply, she said that was just another word for being right all the time.

Unfortunately, all her alternatives were worse than a long-shot supported on a rumor, so it was time to try hoping for something to work out. She’d heard of good luck before and, after twelve thousand years and counting, she was certainly due for some.

Nova-dot had talked her way past the Ruby guards after stepping off the warp pad, leaving them gabbing excitedly about the 'Grey Jadeite' they'd just welcomed onto the station. However, she'd ditched that form for her own as soon as she'd ducked into a maintenance passageway. Looking like herself was conspicuous, there weren't that many Era-1 Novaculites these days, but there were even fewer Grey Jadeites.

She moved like someone who was busy and unhappy about it. She needn't have bothered, the byways being deserted of gems of that mattered, gems that would interrupt a scowling Quartz. She got a weird look from a Bismuth building a bulkhead --they'd expanded this station since she'd worked here and she'd gotten turned around-- but eventually she found the door she was looking for.

It was a crappy door, scuffed up and stained in places, but if you looked at it just the right way you could almost mistake those scrapes for a five-pointed star.

Rutile had been a crap artist during the Rebellion too, though this time it was probably deliberate.

Novaculite knocked on the door, paused, knocked again, then finished with a heavier thump. To an outside observer, she was just a Quartz standing outside a maintenance door getting impatient that no one was answering. To someone from the wrong side on Earth...

Novaculite was feeling the worry in her form twisting around. If the warehouse had anyone else operating it, if there was an inspection going on, if-

The door slide open a crack, a ruddy gem peeking through the gap. "Novi?!" The door opened the rest of the way and she was quickly ushered inside.

The door closed and locked behind her.

---

"The next shipment isn't for cycles yet," Rutile explained. "Besides, you'll need a few others that we can build a plausible lie around to join you."

"Then I may as well shatter myself now," Novaculite said with a smirk. "You were always a terrible liar, RT." It's why she trusted her with this. Homeworld was dumb in aggregate but it had its smart points. People who wanted out from under the Diamonds had a habit of finding someone helpful, someone sympathetic, and then being escorted out by an Agate and her Quartz thugs.

If Rutile was involved in anything like that, the ones pulling the strings were at least smart enough that she didn't know it. Oddly enough, that thought made Novaculite feel better: she may be headed for rock bottom but at least there'd be someone competent she could blame when she got there.

"Just for that, I'm keeping this datapad." Rutile waved the item at her teasingly and tucked it under an arm. "Maybe some time with your own sparkling personality will teach you some manners."

"Talking to myself is the only way to guarantee an intelligent conversation," Novaculite quipped back.

Rutile rolled her eyes. "You can say whatever you want, so long as you sound like bauxite while you do it." She ushered Novaculite into the empty bulk cargo container and started to swing the false front closed: anyone looking at it would see a container stacked floor to ceiling with boxes of bauxite.

Just before she sealed the false front shut she added in a stern voice, "And no archery practice! If I find holes in there, it won't be the Agates you'll have to worry about."

Novaculite made some kissing sounds as the front sealed shut. It was clear even to a curmudgeon like Novaculite that Rutile still had a soft spot for her. Why, though, she couldn't fathom.

The 'door' slid open a crack and the datapad tumbled through.

---

Diamonds, she was bored! She wasn't sure how many cycles it had taken her to exhaust the entertainment options on that datapad, but she knew she'd been here longer than that. It was precisely eighteen paces from the back of the container to the false front. Even shrinking down didn't make the space feel any less constraining.

Novaculite had a penchant for brooding, one might even say a talent. With literally nothing else to do, she'd had plenty of time to hone the skill. How did it come to this? How did my options go from bad to worse to if-I-never-see-bauxite-again-it'll-be-too-soon? she thought, pacing with an uneven gait.

Things had started out well enough. She'd emerged and been assigned to one of White Diamond's aristocrats; they had a fleet, had a really fancy Pearl, and had a need for warp pad technicians. Novaculite fit in just fine.

Then the boss got sent to a colony on the far end of nowhere. They'd been dropped in this big old desert, silicate granules as far as the eye could see, and told to get to work. Welcome to Earth.

Eventually the Rebellion happened. Eventually the boss disappeared. Eventually the fighting found them. Novaculite liked White Diamond as much as the next gem, but when a Jasper that was simultaneously the hottest and the scariest gem you've ever clapped eyes on is about to hammer you flat, you get real passionate about opposing tyranny real fast.

You couldn't lie to Citrine. Well, you could, but there was a room of bubbled spies that said you shouldn't bother. Novaculite had said the oath with the rest of the new recruits, all while Rose Quartz and Citrine looked across them like Diamond's own mercy and judgement, respectively. Novaculite hadn't been poofed, so maybe she'd been sincere.

And things had been alright. Gems like Rutile even made it fun. They'd been losing back then but for a sour puss like Novaculite that only meant reality was operating as expected. Novaculite just fired her bow and kept her head down and jiggered with warp pads when they needed jiggering with.

Then things got confusing. Rose and Citrine were splitting? Rebellion within the Rebellion?! An Amethyst holding a big ol' axe, material not summoned, asked her which side she was on and Novaculite had said, 'The same as you.' Later she learned she'd joined Rose Quartz' faction.

That had been a mess. Rose gave great speeches, but she kept glancing over to the side where Citrine would have been standing. Looked like she'd bitten something sour when she saw air. Looked like she was gonna cry.

Anyway, speeches don't mean much when the continent you're standing on decides it's going for a swim. Novaculite had been cracked in that fiasco. She’d been too out of it to tell how, but somehow she’d gotten back to Rose and Rose cried her back together. Didn't fix that impurity in her gem, but what else was new.

She heard of gems jumping back to Citrine. Made sense when her side had that kind of fire power. Honestly, if Novaculite hadn't been standing in Rose's shadow half the time, she'd probably have made the switch herself. When that Lapis and that hot Jasper made a monster that made you swear off fusion entirely, you wanted to be on whatever side didn't have to face that down.

Didn't matter, though. Homeworld got the jump on them; Rose, Garnet, the Novaculite who was actually good at shooting things, who had herself a statue in that sanctuary, they all got away but she found herself in a very uncomfortable room with a very eager Agate. She told them everything they wanted to hear but the sadist tortured her a bit just for the fun of it.

Then a whole lot of boredom. Then a whole lot of excitement as everyone deemed 'compliant' was warped off world as fast as they could cycle the pads. And then the war was over.

It wasn't until afterwards that Novaculite heard about Pink Diamond. That threw her, but not half so much as learning that Rose Quartz, THE Rose Quartz, miss 'love and individualism' was not only working for Homeworld but making quite the name for herself.

It was the sort of name you threatened an underling with when you didn’t think summoning an Agate would do the job. It was the sort of name for when threatening them with an Aquamarine wouldn't do the job.

And then, THEN, Era-frickin'-2 happened. It made Novaculite swear internally every time one of those disposable half-gems walked by. Heck, most of them couldn't even see the top of a Ruby's head without gravity connectors. Made you weep for the state of gemkind.

The one bit of luck Novaculite had was being a Novaculite. If she'd been a Jade, if she'd been a Scolecite, she'd be obsolete. The Diamond Authority still used warp pads so they needed warp pad technicians. Peridots could serve in a pinch, but if that one warp pad had been built by a Novaculite, you could bet your favorite facet it wouldn't have blown up.

Novaculite must have actually started ranting aloud at some point because she almost missed the click of the false front unlatching. She shut up in a hurry, reaching under her mane to the gem at back of her neck. When she pulled her hands free she was holding a bow as grey as she was. She knocked an arrow just as the way opened.

A Sunstone walked through, big for an Era-2, and scowled at her. Something small and blue tried to peer around the mottled brown gem, but a large hand pushed her back behind the wall of Sunstone.

The false front opened wider and Rutile squeezed past, annoyance writ across her face. "Dang it, Novi! What did I tell you about the archery?!"

It wasn't until Novaculite had allowed her weapon to dissolve that the big, brown bodyguard allowed a little Era-2 Moonstone to drift into view. Moonstones were valuable, even tiny ones, seeing across space the way a Sapphire could see across time.

"I didn't want them to get the wrong impression of me," answered Novaculite.

"That you're a clod who should be wearing my knuckles as a visor?" snarled the Sunstone.

"Exactly. Some gems mistake me for someone friendly. Gets annoying."

Rutile let out a noise of exasperation. "Look, you two can shatter each other as soon as you get to Earth for all I care. But until then, Sunstone, play nice." She jabbed the brown gem for emphasis.

Novaculite smiled until Rutile rounded on her and marched over. "And Novi, play nicer." She leaned in close, their faces almost touching, and in a quieter voice she added, "Remember, if this cracks down the middle, it won't be just the three of you that get harvested."

The Quartz sighed and nodded, pacing a bit for effect while running a hand through her mane. "Yeah, I will. Just tell me this plan of yours is a good one. Lie if you have to."

That drew a begrudging smile from Rutile. “It’s good. It’s simple.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Be a Novaculite. You can fix a warp pad, can’t you?”

Novaculite blinked. “Yeah, I suppose I can manage that, RT. But what about them.”

“Moonstone needs to be a Moonstone. Sunstone needs to not feed you a destabilizer.”

Sunstone and Novaculite shared a look, each readying something snarky or tough to say.

Moonstone floated up and tapped a container of bauxite. "Here's one; the panel is on the other side, though. There are two more hidden in the warehouse." Her voice was high and clear.

Rutile's eyes went wide. “I didn’t- I mean, if an Agate found the hidden latch- How did you-” she stammered.

"I looked ahead," explained the Moonstone. The little blue gem looked up at her companion. "Do you want one, Sunstone?"

Sunstone gave Novaculite a smirk that showed teeth. "I don't know, do I need one?"

Novaculite shook her head, hands raised in a conciliatory gesture. "No, point made. Good behavior all the way to Earth."

Rutile took another second looking surprised at Moonstone before finding her composure. "Excellent. Now, everyone pay attention, because this shipment of bauxite is leaving soon and you're all going with it."

Everyone leaned in, or in Moonstone's case, hovered up close, while Rutile explained the plan.

Chapter 44: Escape from Homeworld: Part 2

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

Notes:

And we're back! The events of this omake take place a little after the events of Episode 26 of the main fic. You don't have to have read that far to read this, nor are you in danger of any large spoilers if you finish this first, but you'll get the most out of this if you're done with Ep26 when you read parts 2 and 3. As a reminder, this fic is 100% canon and conforms to reveals from the main fic (while also revealing some new things itself).

(1/21/19) EDIT: We now have art of Peridot up!

“I've changed the manifest so that a container of robonoids is staying here and this shipment of bauxite is going instead,” explained Rutile while Novaculite and the other two leaned in close. “Once the inspection's done and the freighter leaves port, you all will sneak out and into the main part of the ship-" Sunstone opened her mouth to object but Rutile quickly added, "-And don't worry about the crew; they know to go selectively blind when they're shipping bauxite."

That seemed to satisfy the bodyguard, but Moonstone asked in her high voice, "Once we reach our destination?"

"Then you three just walk across the station to the warp pad to Earth.” Rutile grinned, something Novaculite had seen rarely since the war, and said, “No one’s going to question a Moonstone that’s doing a tour, after all. They’d seem suspicious.”

Moonstones could see across space the way Sapphires could across time. If someone wanted to find something bad enough to send a Moonstone, it got found. The authorities would occasionally send individual Moonstones out to sweep areas for signs of illicit activity/noncomformity. This shakedown was called ‘a tour,’ probably because someone important in the Blue Court had a twisted sense of humor.

Maybe even Blue Diamond herself.

Sunstone gestured toward Novaculite. “So where does she come in?” Her voice was about as warm as the void of space.

Yeah, jank you too, thought Novaculite so loudly she earned a warning look from Rutile. Though, honestly, she’d been wondering that herself.

“The Earth destination for the warp pad is a hidden feature,” answered Rutile. “It’d have to be otherwise it’d have been found out immediately. Novi will enable it long enough for you all to get to Earth, and if anyone asks why she’s with you, it’s because a Sapphire foresaw warp pad trouble during the tour.” Rutile fixed Novaculite with a solemn look. “Make sure it stays hidden after you leave or it won’t be other escapees warping to Earth, it’ll be Homeworld soldiers.”

Novaculite nodded. That all made sense but something was chipping at the back of her gemstone. “RT?” she asked, her worry taking shape as she spoke. “How in the stars do you know all this?”

There were crazy rumors about a resistance divided up into courts like the mirror opposites of the Diamonds, about the spark of the Rebellion quietly smoldering within the hierarchy itself, about secret generals, about a fifth Diamond working against her sisters. All that and a dozen other tales of complete nonsense. Novaculite could believe that a few former rebels had found the old hobbies hard to quit, but this seemed bigger.

And that made a pessimist like her very nervous, because things that were too good to be true... were.

Rutile’s expression was as serious as she’d ever seen it. “I know just enough to do my job and now you know just enough to do yours. I can’t say much more than that, and wouldn’t, not even for you, Novi.”

She held Novaculite’s gaze a little longer before she looked at the other two in turn. “Everyone understand the plan?” They all nodded. “Good. Then get comfortable and don’t say anything bauxite wouldn’t say, because the inspection will begin soon.”

---

They weren't pretending to be bauxite anymore, so that was a step up. But walking the ship's single, short hallway wasn't so large an improvement that Novaculite felt like breaking into song.

The bulk freighter was little more than an engine stapled to a reinforced frame that held cargo containers. Every cubic foot wasted on the skeleton crew piloting the bucket meant a cubic foot that could instead be given over to hauling more freight. There was room for the two-gem crew that she'd never met, a single room she, Sunstone, and Moonstone shared, and a hallway connecting the two.

The glories of the Era-2 Gempire, everyone: ruled not by Diamonds but by cost-benefit formulas. Novaculite shook her head.

She really hated Era-2.

A door opened and Sunstone motioned at her. In the background Moonstone hovered, staring off into space. Literally. Hopefully she was scoping out the station they were flying to, seeing trouble in advance so they could avoid it. Or maybe she was spying on the crew in their locked cabin.

Those two were probably fusing in there, out of boredom if nothing else. It's what Novaculite would do.

Novaculite made sure her long mane of hair was through the door before she closed it behind her; the burden of being a Quartz. "She spot anything?"

Sunstone shrugged. "Some. She asked me to get y-"

"Organics."

Both turned to look at the small floating gem, her high and clear voice the opposite of her bodyguard's basso growl.

"There are organics on the station." She smiled, a giggle like ringing bells escaping her lips. "They're so strange."

Novaculite tapped the foot on her shorter leg in thought, a hunch ballooning inside her. "These organics, do they look like gems except they’re the wrong color? Two legs, two arms, about the size of a Zircon?"

Moonstone did that thing Blue Court gems did sometimes, staring at you despite their eyes being hidden behind their hair. Always creeped Novaculite out a little... though the fact that Moonstone had powers that looked across space meant it was marginally less stupid for her than others.

"Yes," she answered, the gem drifting a little closer to Novaculite, intrigued.

"You know what they are?" Sunstone, stepping next to the tiny clairvoyant with a possessive air about her. Novaculite had to resist rolling her eyes at the display.

"They're humans." She shapeshifted her shorter leg so she was standing level once more. "We must be heading to the Zoo. That makes a certain amount of sense, it being the station closest to Earth."

"Are there more of these humans on Earth?" Listening to Moonstone talk reminded Novaculite of some of the smaller humans she'd encountered. She was pretty sure Rose had called them ‘children.’

"Yeah, there's some. Not a lot, though. They build these little shelters out of clay or wood, which is like a soft stone that grows out of the ground on Earth. They can talk to you, which is a neat trick for an organic, but they mostly talk about organic stuff." Novaculite had never found humans as interesting as some of the other rebels, but they were uncanny when you first laid eyes on them.

"Are they dangerous?" Sunstone glowered slightly. She had a face that was good at it.

Novaculite waved the bodyguard's concern away. "Hardly. Some of them carry weapons, but it's stuff like flint-tipped spears and iron knives. You'd have to be pretty bad to lose to one of them. Besides, they're really fragile; every scrape or cut is like a crack for them, and they can't reform."

Moonstone gasped, floating closer to her companion, and Sunstone’s eyebrows shot up, the gem briefly forgetting to look annoyed.

Novaculite smiled a little, reveling in lording her experience over these upstarts. "In the Rebellion, we had to make sure our camps were far enough away from any human groups or Rose would wind up healing one of them and then there'd be a steady stream of them wanting the general to cry over 'em. Can't fight a war that way."

Both of them were staring at Novaculite again, but with decidedly different expressions.

"You're talking about The Rose Quartz? The terrifying right hand of the Diamonds? Her, crying on stray organics?" Apparently Sunstone had a good face for skepticism too.

She heard Rutile’s voice begging her to play nice with her fellow fugitives. If this escape went cracked, if one of them was made to talk, Rutile wouldn't be far behind them. Still, Novaculite couldn't quite keep the edge out of her voice. "Listen, however bad you think the war was, it was worse than that. Much worse. You had gems --real, Era-1 gems-- poofing and shattering, powers flying, continents sinking, and no one knew what the schist was going on from one cycle to the next. How do you think they lost a warp network in the first place?! So yeah, Rose frickin' Quartz used to be a big, pink softie who gave hugs and cried for hurt humans. And now Agates polish their stones thinking about all the twisted stuff she does to those who displease the Diamonds. And us? We're displeasing the Diamonds a whooole lot and the only thing saving us is a plan made of coprolite. If we're caught, we'll be lucky if we're only harvested."

That brought a flinch to the blue seer, the tiny gem going so far as to float around and huddle behind Sunstone. Sunstone, unsurprisingly, glowered back at Novaculite.

"So when we go out there, we stick to the plan-"

Sunstone took a half-step forward. "You just said the plan was coprolite!"

"It is! All plans are, haven't you been listening? We get on that station, we follow Rutile's plan, and when that plan inevitable falls apart, then you listen to me!" The words poured out of Novaculite, cycles of frustration and no small amount of desperation lending them heat.

The bodyguard's hands curled into fists. Probably can’t summon a weapon then, Novaculite thought.

The mottled gem took another half-step forward. "You'll probably throw us to the Agates to save your own gem."

"Listen, runt-" Sunstone was big for an Era-2 and Novaculites weren't built as large as other Quartzes, but she was an Era-1 and still had a couple of inches on the upstart. "-When it all goes cracked, you listen to me because I survived even worse with my facets intact for longer than your Kindergartner has been out of the ground!"

There was a crackling sound, faint but you could be in an avalanche and you'd hear it; no gem made it long without respecting the sound of an active destabilizer.

Moonstone hovered back around, the device looking large in her small hands. She was bathed in a yellowish glow that, between her blue skin and hidden eyes, looked downright unnerving.

"I did find several in Rutile's warehouse," she explained in her soft and tinkling voice. "I would rather not have to use it. Stay respectful of my Sunstone and I won't have to."

Novaculite already had her hands up in a conciliatory gesture, hoping to placate the hovering murder pixie. If the other gal didn't see it coming, sure, pull a weapon. But if you were on the wrong side of the deal, the best thing you could pull was a flag of surrender. It was how she'd gotten into the Rebellion intact and how she’d gotten back out, after all.

"What I meant to say," she added after another moment's silence, "was that we need to stick together and be willing to improvise."

Moonstone turned off the destabilizer and gave a small but pleased smile. Then she tucked it back into a fold of her outfit, the bulge further hidden by the gauzy blue shawl she wore. You'd never know it was there until she pulled it on you; Novaculite certainly hadn't.

Sunstone's smile was decidedly more predatory. Still looking at Novaculite, the bodyguard leaned in and gave the blue gem a light peck on the cheek. "Thanks Moonstone."

Well, that explained why these two needed to get out of the Diamonds' illustrious empire, at least.

There was a shudder that ran the length of the ship and for one fearful second Novaculite thought the bucket of gravel they were traveling in had suffered some kind of failure. Then she noticed the stars outside the viewport were dots instead of blurred streaks. They'd slowed down to sub-light speeds.

"We're here," said Moonstone, her gaze fixed on a point past the bulkhead that she alone could see.

Novaculite stepped out of the room and closed it behind her, once more being mindful of her long hair. It would still be a while before the ship docked with the station, and whether those two would appreciate the privacy or not, Novaculite would appreciate being the heck away from them.

---

"YOU'RE FINALLY HERE!"

Novaculite had to put a hand to the wall to keep from stumbling over in surprise.

The last Era-2 Peridot Novaculite had seen had exploded when the warp pad beneath her had blown up. The Peridot that was shouting at her as she disembarked the freighter didn't appear to need the help.

"Stars, am I happy to see you! It's been cycles and cycles and cycles of waiting so I could complete my primary objective!" The Peridot was probably about as tall as Novaculite due to her limb enhancers... but she was so busy jumping with glee it was hard to be certain.

She had circular blotches of olive covering her bright green skin, including one over her left eye and another across the cheek below it. Her gemstone was set in the center of her throat and had similar greenish-brown splotches. She cantered over and rested an elbow on Novaculite's shoulder in a display of casual familiarity that was really starting to freak the Quartz out.

Novaculite had gotten off the ship ahead of the others to scope the place out and was quickly regretting that decision. She brushed the overeager technician off her and tried to walk purposefully forward away from... whatever this was. The Peridot was completely undeterred, jogging over to her side. "I mean, none of the reports mentioned spontaneous water surges that could disable a Red Eye! Fascinating phenomena, but it's left me desperately behind schedule!"

Novaculite grunted something that could possibly be construed as sympathetic and tried once more to power walk out of the situation. Then she felt air on her gemstone and saw that half-gem's floating fingers touching her mane.

"Oh hey! You've got a gem placement opposite mine! That probably means you have a personality that's radically different. So since I'm friendly and sociable, you must be-"

"Don't touch that!" Novaculite barked, whipping her hair free and running a hand protectively over it.

"-Yes, exactly like that!" The deranged Peridot smiled widely.

Bad enough this gremlin was touching her with her fake fingers, but Novaculite really didn't like having her gem exposed like that.

She shook her head. This green annoyance didn't seem to want to leave and she needed to get her to poof off. Turning to face the technician square on --and attempting to loom a little in that way that usually made non-Quartzes nervous-- she grumbled, "Why are you waiting for me, exactly?"

The Peridot blinked, her smile faltering for a second before coming back wider. "Oh, well not you specifically, but your ship! I have a delivery of flask robonoids that has been delayed again and again. But it's aboard your ship so if you could just provide me the container number and your authorization then I'll fetch them immediately!" She ended on a little squeal of excitement.

Novaculite ran a large hand across her face. "Why would I know and why do you need my authorization?"

Another look of surprise... though apparently the gem smiled by default because the expression didn't quite disappear. "Oh, I deduced that the position of bulk freighter technician would go to a gem whose usefulness to the Diamonds was in question, a low posting for a member of the previous era's technician caste such as yourself, as you were being pushed out by the more efficient Era-2s like myself!"

This must have been how Jasper felt all the time, because I'm going to shatter her with my bare hands. It's convenient that her gem is at her throat because it means I can choke her while I do it!

In the face of Novaculite’s murderous silence, the victim to-be chirped, “Was I right?”

The sound of a single set of footfalls caused Novaculite and the Peridot to look over and see a pair of gems approach, the latter doing so soundlessly while hovering just above the hanger floor.

“Novaculite, stop delaying this Peridot and attend to your duties.” Sunstone’s expression was dour but there was a twinkle in her eyes that showed she was enjoying this.

The Quartz unclenched her teeth by sheer act of will and drew herself up to attention. “Apologies,” she said, addressing the silent, aristocratic gem.

“Apologies, your auspice,” Sunstone sharply corrected, providing the Moonstone’s title.

Novaculite lowered her head and her voice. “Apologies, your auspice.”

She at least had the satisfaction of seeing that Peridot jump to attention and shut the heck up for two seconds. “Ah! Your auspice, I didn’t realize you were coming.” The green gem looked around. “No one did! In fact, I suspect there was something wrong with the manifest for your transport because nothing was intended for shipment here save for supplies to support the organics and a contingent of flask robonoids, which, by the way, if you happen to have gazed across the local spatial dimensions to the particular container with my-” The gem was peering left and right past Moonstone in case a shipment of robonoids happened to be tailing after her.

“I have seen bauxite,” answered the blue gem in her piping voice, appearing solemn and mysterious wafting there.

“Bauxite?” The Peridot drooped a little, her mouth experimenting with some sort of strange non-smile for once.

“Bauxite,” she confirmed. With a gesture, she floated forward, her bodyguard taking position in front and her warp pad technician falling to the rear, all three leaving the hanger for the station proper.

The Peridot slumped further. “Oh, my supervisor is going to be grinding gravel when she hears about another delay.”

---

The three traveled down the corridor away from the hanger looking imperious, mysterious, and annoyed, respectively. They passed a pair of Amethysts talking casually on their way to somewhere, Era-1s Novaculite noted with approval, but they moved to the side and stood at attention while her high auspice and retinue walked past.

When the group reached a stretch of passageway that was deserted, they ducked into a side corridor. Sunstone swiveled on Novaculite, eyes hard. “What was that?!” she hissed.

Novaculite slumped against the opposite wall. “I don’t like Peridots.”

“From what I can tell, you don’t like anyone,” pressed Sunstone.

“I really don’t like Peridots, and that one was begging to be tossed out an airlock.” If it weren’t for Peridots being sloppy at warp pad construction, I wouldn’t be on the run in the first place, she added silently. “But it’s fine. I doubt there’s any on Earth. We get to the pad and it’s not a problem.” She turned to Moonstone, who hovered beside her bodyguard, staring at the Quartz… or past her… or at any point in space within her range; it was hard to tell. “You see the one Rutile was telling us about?”

Moonstone started to talk but went silent, all three of them pressing up against the walls as someone walked down the main corridor. It was the Peridot from the cargo bay, surrounded by holographic displays, one of which she was talking to. “I don’t know, Holly Blue Agate. They just left. No, they weren’t on the schedule. Yes, I’m- Hold on, something is showing up on the long-range scanners. Oh, maybe that’s the freighter with my-” her words cut off by a door sliding shut.

Novaculite gave the green reminder of an empire in decline a cold stare --They should recall the whole line.-- and then turned back to the blue gem hovering across from her.

"I see the ways we could take. However, the main way is watched by members of my Diamond's personal guard-"

Sunstone's eyes went wide and Novaculite had to physically cover her mouth to keep her imprecations quiet. Eventually she managed to dial it down to a hissed, "It's a trap! We've been set up!"

Sunstone shook her head. "Or Blue Diamond is about to visit and we just have the universe's worst timing." A pause. "She's not here already, is she?"

"No." Moonstone shook her head then paused and shook her head again. "Maybe," she amended. "No Moonstone would fail to notice her Diamond's proximity, but we are not to gaze inside the Diamonds' sanctums. There is one on the station."

"I think those rules stopped mattering the moment you pretended to be bauxite," said Novaculite wryly.

Moonstone seemed to shrink in on herself slightly, Sunstone putting an arm around her and glaring at Novaculite. A beat later, though, the bodyguard said in a whisper, "Could you take a peek? Just tell us what color you see inside."

The Moonstone huddled in the mottled gem's embrace. "Pink," she eventually said, a shiver like a miniature quake running through her tiny form. "I see pink."

Sunstone blinked. "What does-"

Novaculite cut in. "Pink means it ain't one of the Diamonds. That's good enough for now." She looked at the blue gem. "You said 'ways.' The main route’s out, obviously, so what are our other options?"

Not looking at her, or anything else the others could see, Moonstone said, "The other way is unguarded and less obvious but there is a problem."

"Of course there is," muttered Novaculite.

"There is a group of gems using this back way for illicit activity," Moonstone's high voice ringing in the quiet of the hallway. "They may even be a rebel cell."

Sunstone looked grim. Moonstone's expression was hard to read, but the corners of her mouth tugged downward.

Novaculite gave a huge sigh of relief and it was only with difficulty that she chuckled instead of laughing out loud. "Oh, you had me worried for a little there. No, this is perfect, we just go and hand 'em over to the Agates, then slip away while everyone has their hands full. It fits our cover story perfectly!" So this is what good luck is like... I think I see the appeal.

The silence stretched out and Novaculite felt the weight of the other two staring at her. Their expressions were a combination of disbelief and mild horror.

"What? Are they friends of yours?" No one moved. "Hey, you wanna get to Earth or not?"

---

Novaculite wouldn't have taken her fellow fugitives as being sentimental for other rule-breakers. She'd tried to explain that there wasn't one, grand Rebellion like there had once been on Earth. There wasn't even two, like after Rose and Citrine split. What there was was a scattering of unhappy gems who decided they'd had enough.

And most of those were idiots. The only question was how many other gems got captured with them when they inevitably got caught.

These were almost certainly idiots. After all, they'd just been caught. By the three of them. They were doomed for embedding or shattering sooner or later, but at least this way their inevitable end could help Moonstone, Sunstone, and Novaculite avoid meeting the same.

Sunstone had suggested taking the others with them to Earth.

Novaculite had laughed in her face, but quietly because they had been hiding in a side corridor.

Best case scenario was that they'd all get away, but it'd be conspicuous with so many gems warping away to seemingly nowhere. Then Homeworld would get a warp technician out to look at that warp pad. And when the Peridot they sent couldn't find anything wrong, they'd get a competent warp pad technician out there, and the Era-1 Novaculite would tell them about this hidden route to Earth.

Cue invasion.

And that was the best case. So now they were standing in the command center that they'd walked into like they belonged there, listening to a Holly Blue Agate alternate between making excuses and yelling at her subordinates for their inexcusable failures.

That chokably eager Peridot was there too, gawking at something on her screens when she wasn't gawking at Holly Blue's performance. Novaculite tried not to glare too much and probably failed.

"Don't just stand there, you useless chunks of earth!" the Agate barked at a scrawny Jasper and two Amethysts. "Hurry up and guard the exits to this- this den of insubordination!"

The Peridot squinted at something on her screens and then sent a pair of floating fingers to tug on Holly Blue's collar. The Agate brushed them aside, ignored.

The Jasper and Amethysts shared a look, then the tallest Amethyst of the group said in an uncertain voice, "Uh, shouldn't we get the others to help guard too?"

Holly Blue Agate's eye roll was impressive. Novaculite wondered if she practiced it in front of the mirror. "Of course, you shallow-strata imbeciles! The only thing I trust you three to catch is my whip to your forms if you don't move fast enough!"

While the trio hustled out the door, the Agate turned back to Moonstone. "You'll have to forgive them, your auspice. They're from Earth; their position here is a testament to Blue Diamond's selfless dedication to preserving the remains of Pink Diamond's failed colony." Her expression went from unctuous to exasperated in an instant. "And I have clearly been too forgiving of them if they've allowed something like this to happen."

While everyone else on the command center was trying to appear very busy just then, the Peridot walked over, slightly obscured by her cloud of projections. "Holly Blue Agate, about the incoming craft-"

The Agate whirled on the half-gem and said, "Not now! Only Blue Diamond herself would be more important than ensuring the success of her auspice's tour." Straightening up a little and smoothing the fabric of her uniform, she asked, "Has Blue Diamond arrived?"

"Oh, no, she hasn't, Holly Blue Agate, but I'm getting some very odd-"

The Agate made an imperious pivot away from the 'technician' and said with finality, "Then it can wait until later."

"I can see that the Quartzes are in position," said Moonstone. She looked outwardly unphased by events but she'd been drifting steadily closer to her bodyguard since they'd stepped into the command center. "We should depart."

"Yes, your auspice. Of course." The Agate's high-heeled jackboots clacked against the floor as she strode briskly forward, the others jogging or floating after.

"I'll send you a report!" shouted the Peridot after them, adding, "Good luck purging the station of undesirables!"

Novaculite's expression left no doubt as to which gem she'd like to start with.

---

They were in a narrow maintenance corridor, the walls a faded shade of pink. Aside from the coloration, Novaculite had been in a million just like it during her long and ignoble career. In front of them was a door and on the other side of that, five or so gems unaware their hiding spot had been discovered.

A pair of Quartzes bulled through, shattering the door, and they were followed quickly by Holly Blue herself. There were cries of alarm inside and the clatter of heavy things been knocked over. A second later Novaculite heard the familiar notes of panicked combat, the crack of the Agate's whip a staccato accompaniment. It made her gemstone itch.

The Agate's voice, literally designed to sound commanding, cut through the noise: "Your denials will not save you!"

As more soldiers poured in, Sunstone made as though to join them. Novaculite reached out with a large hand, stopping her and earning a scowl in response.

"Not yet. That doesn't sound like a mop up. Don't go in until it's-"

There was another crash and something exploded. It was probably just glass they heard bouncing across the floor, not gem shards, but it left the others looking slightly queasy.

"That's why you let someone else rush in," murmured Novaculite while that itch in her gem grew worse and she forgot to maintain the shapeshifting that kept her legs even.

There were more crashes followed by a bright flash of light. Someone got hit with the sort of punch that made everyone, Novaculite included, wince.

"There are only three still fighting: a Jasper and a pair of fused Rubies," reported Moonstone.

Yeah, that sounded like a Jasper punch, thought Novaculite.

"Is the way to the warp pad clear?" she pressed. A second of further combat sounds passed and then Moonstone gave a nervous nod.

The three of them ducked inside, Sunstone in the front, always shielding Moonstone with her bulk.

The first thing Novaculite noticed was the heat, unsurprising given the fight involved a pair of Rubies. One wall was lined with containment cells and the wall beside it had implements Novaculite hadn't seen since Homeworld forces captured and interrogated her near the end of the war. Her desire to be out the other side of this room skyrocketed just then.

The explosion had destroyed a communication terminal, what was left of the tech sparking, the cracked base oozing some kind of oil.

The Ruby fusion wasn't large as such things went, but the room wasn't that spacious either and it was keeping the assault team busy. Holly Blue may have been as obnoxious as any Agate Novaculite had met, but the Quartz had to credit that she hadn't hesitated to enter the fray, her form battered in places and one of her side buns loose. Everytime she whipped the fusion, the temperature in the room rose even higher. The Jasper, imposing as Era-1 Jaspers went but far from perfect, weaved and dodged behind the fusion, striking out when an opportunity arose.

The three of them were going through the exit, leading into a broad hallway near the warp pad, when there was a whirring noise and then something bowled into all three of them. Moonstone was thrown clear, a high-pitched cry of alarm followed by a thud when she struck a bulkhead. A confused melee ensued, Novaculite kicking and scrambling more to get away than anything else. She'd just gotten free and turned around when she saw Sunstone struggling with the Jasper who had spindashed into them over control of a destabilizer.

"Nova! Shoot her!" grunted Sunstone.

Novaculite was summoning her bow when the Jasper slammed into Sunstone with her shoulder, knocking the Era-2 to the floor. She looked up at Novaculite and said in a surprised voice, "You!" She activated the destabilizer-

-and was bowled into by the Quartzes that had been assigned to guard the exit.

"No! They're not-" a solid punch cut off the Jasper's sentence. "You can't let them-"

Rather than stop to hear more, Novaculite let her weapon dissolve, hauled Sunstone to her feet, and ran quick as she could in the direction of the warp chamber. Sunstone split off and ran over to the dazed Moonstone, scooping her up from where she'd slumped against the wall she'd been knocked into.

There was a bellow and the Ruby fusion staggered through the doorway, landing in the Quartz pile with a wave of heat. The chaotic brawl grew even more so as Novaculite, Sunstone, and Moonstone ducked into the room leading to the warp chamber, the hallway echoing with the din of combat, shouting, and whipcracks.

Chapter 45: Escape from Homeworld: Part 3

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts

The room was a warehouse intended to hold goods awaiting warping. There were eight bays, four to a side, that ran the length of the long room. There was a door at the far side wide enough to allow carts through, presumably the entrance to the warp chamber proper. A few inventory drones flitted about, half the size of a Ruby and spherical, an Era-2 contraption that could scan and categorize.

A few boxes of bauxite were stacked nearby, presumably the real shipment that had obscured the false front Novaculite, Moonstone, and Sunstone had hidden behind while being loaded onto the freighter in the first place.

Novaculite wheeled about to face the door they'd just come through and began punching commands into the control panel. The door slide shut and then clicked as the magnetic locks engaged.

Something was very wrong. That Jasper shouldn’t have recognized her, not like that. And that room didn’t make much sense as a hidden rebel cell or even just a gaggle of angry dissidents. But Novaculite didn’t have time to puzzle that out right now because there was a warp pad with their name on it.

"Okay, now we only need to-"

Just then an alert sounded followed by the voice of the Peridot from earlier. “Attention. As the unknown ship approaching the station hasn’t responded to hails, the station is going into external alert status, per protocol Delta-Xi thirteen-one-three-eight-nine-fourteen-dash-one. The specimen containment level, port, and warp chamber will enter lockdown mode until the crisis has passed. Oh, and if anyone knows what in the stars that ship is, please contact the command center. Have a nice cycle!”

With a crackling sound, twelve destabilizer fields manifested, one sealing off each of the bays and one stretching between each of the four opposing bays. That meant there were now four destabilizer fields between them and the warp pad.

“Have I mentioned that I really don’t like Peridots,” snarled Novaculite.

The door behind them beeped as the open request failed. This was followed by a thud, then two, then some pounding.

“The Jasper, several of blue Diamond’s guards, Holly Blue Agate, a two Amethysts are standing outside the door,” said Moonstone. There was a tremor in her voice and she looked at Sunstone.

Sunstone turned from the door to the fields and then back, before swiveling around to face Novaculite. “Alright, the plan went to schist like you said it would, so now we’re supposed to listen to you.” Her body language was broadcasting worry but her expression was skeptical. “What do we do next?”

“Can you shoot the fields?” asked the blue gem hovering nearby.

Novaculite paced with a lopsided gait and shook her head, mane swaying with the motion. “No. Those fields will obliterate anything made out of hard light that touches them, which includes my bow and any arrows it fires. I’d be better off-” and she kicked one of the boxes nearby in frustration, “-throwing this bauxite at it.”

She paused, blinking, then started to laugh. A heavy thud behind them cut the laughter short.

“And she’s cracked,” muttered Sunstone. Then, hurriedly, she faced Moonstone. “They come through there, you tell them it was all my idea. You were making a tour and your Sunstone and the warp tech accompanying you must have secretly been rebels.”

“Sunstone, no!” and Moonstone showed the most overt emotion Novaculite had seen on the Blue Court aristocrat before she buried herself in the bodyguard’s arms.

Sunstone continued speaking, all while one mottled hand ran through the blue gem’s hair. “Then you get somewhere far away as soon as you’re able-”

“Hey. Hey gals,” said Novaculite, unheeded.

“-Before they’re able to confirm that there was never really a tour going on. You’re smart, Moonstone-”

Novaculite hobbled a step closer and waved her arms. “Yoo-hoo! Gals!”

“-And you’re fast, so if you just keep moving-”

“HEY! Do you want to escape or not?!”

The two jolted out of their embrace and turned to look at Novaculite. The gem had gone over to one of the boxes of bauxite and smashed out the front and rear face, dumping the speckled contents out on the floor. Reduced to a small, square tunnel, she slid the box gingerly up to the field, being carefully not to touch the crackling yellow energy with her form.

The field remained intact and impassable but within the small opening inside the box was a gap, yellow-free.

“Moonstone, follow me. Sunstone, smash another box and toss it to me once I’m through!”

The small blue gem hovered over and through, clearing the modest opening without difficulty. Novaculite had to do some extensive shapeshifting --and it was a tense thing wriggling through without scooting the box through the field and getting her form bisected-- but she was able to make it through to the gap between the first and second fields.

Sunstone jogged over, box in hand but faltered when there was another heavy thud at the door, louder than the ones previously. Moonstone didn’t say anything but she looked grim. Sunstone shook her head and tossed the second boxy tunnel through the field to Novaculite.

It wasn’t particularly quick going, but before too long the fourth box was in place and Novaculite and Moonstone were past the fields.

Sunstone crouched at the opening to the first box, looking uncertain. She reached an arm through then gripped the side and tried to squeeze her head and shoulders past. With a scraping sound the box slid across the floor and the gem had to fling herself back so that she wasn’t in the path of the field when the box scooched too far.

Novaculite huffed and turned to open the door to the warp chamber. Finding it locked, she added her own swears and pounding to the sound coming from the sealed door they’d entered through.

Moonstone had zipped back through the boxes and slid the first one back into position. Novaculite couldn’t make out her words over the din, but they sounded pleading.

She tried a few common override commands on the warp chamber door panel to no luck. “Shapeshift!” she shouted over her shoulder before angrily turning back to the task at hand.

“Can’t!” was Sunstone’s reply.

“Agates take you, Era-2 half-gem embarrassment to the species!” Novaculite wasn’t in the best, most diplomatic frame of mind just then, angrily punching buttons on the panel.

A little later and there was a clatter. Novaculite turned around to see Sunstone stacking all the boxes she could find, trying to build a larger obstructing archway out of them so she could squeeze through. Novaculite didn’t particularly care about that --she’d leave the Sunstone in a second if she had to-- but turning around meant she saw one of the inventory drones enter through a small aperture in the wall overhead. A glance confirmed that there wasn’t a destabilizer field sealing it, though the mechanical opening irised shut after the drone passed through.

It was too high up and too narrow for her to squeeze through in time with shapeshifting, however- “Hey! Moonstone!”

The blue gem had been helping stack the boxes, a crude doorway taking form, when she turned to face the Quartz.

“Moonstone, get over here! Sunstone can work on the boxes herself, because none of that is going to matter if we can’t actually warp out of here.”

With visible hesitation and a few gruff assurances from her companion, the seer hovered away.

Once she reached Novaculite, the warp pad technician pointed overhead. “See that opening for the drones? When the next one passes through, I want you to shove it out of the way and go through instead. Then you can see if the door will open from the inside.”

The seer glanced back nervously at where Sunstone was busy stacking, then gave a curt nod and hovered overhead.

Novaculite continued working on the panel, guessing at various likely passwords or shortcut commands that might have been programmed into the door controls.

A yelp caused both gems to turn around and see Sunstone shaking the stump of one arm. She had a decent archway built, the boxes cutting off the field, but apparently if the gap was too large then the energy of the fields went through the boxes rather than around. This resulted in a dozen yellow arcs of energy rippling through the open space at unpredictable times, tantalizingly open and yet impassable all the same.

A drone passed through the opening and Moonstone just stared at her trapped companion.

Novaculite pounded on the wall. “Moonstone! Focus!”

In a clear voice she replied, “I won’t leave without Sunstone.” Her mouth became a thin line and she may have been glaring at Novaculite… it was hard to tell with the hair. “Help her through or none of us make it to Earth.” Her hand went to the spot where the destabilizer was hidden in her outfit.

Novaculite gave a roar of frustration and briefly considered shooting the obnoxious little sprite when the door they’d entered through boomed, bulging inward.

“Shards!” barked the gem, tugging on her thick mane, officially out of ideas.

Meanwhile, Sunstone had been backing away from the boxes and the field, going until she was against the far wall. She tried cupping her hands around her mouth but found she only had the one. With a brief frown, she lifted the one up and shouted, “Moonstone! I’ll see you on Earth!” and with that she ran full tilt toward the field, jumping a half-second before she reached it.

The bodyguard hit the field midair and dissolved with a brilliant flash. Novaculite winced sympathetically and there was a high-pitched shriek overhead. The brown gemstone, however, continued its arc, sailing through the second field unimpeded, hit the ground, bounced through the third, and rolled to a stop inches from the forth. In a blue blur, Moonstone zipped through the box tunnel, snatched up the gemstone, and clutched it tight to her chest, tears visible on her cheeks.

Wow. That gem has some facets on her, Era-2 or not, thought Novaculite.

A moment later, Moonstone pushed the bangs out of her face with one hand and tucked the gemstone into her outfit with the other. It was the first Novaculite had ever seen the seer's eyes. She then made swift progress through the box tunnel, muscled a drone aside, and was through the opening overhead.

A tense second passed. Then another. Then another and it was all Novaculite could do not to scream. When the door behind her was hammered again hard enough to break, she didn’t bother, her shout echoing off the walls while figures, indistinct through the quadruple fields tried to squeeze through the jagged opening.

The door to the warp pad chamber cycled open and Novaculite staggered through so quickly she clipped the side and didn’t care a pebble about the pain.

She swiveled about and jabbed the close button on the interior panel. Then she entered the same magnetic lock command, the door clicking as they engaged. Then she summoned her bow and sunk four arrows into the panel to make sure no one could get through even if they did have Diamond-level overrides.

They could still squeeze through the drone opening but that was another problem that copious application of hard light arrows could solve.

Turning she saw Moonstone’s worried eyes, one hand pushing her bangs out of her face while she looked anxiously at the Quartz... but Novaculite reached forward and pushed the gem roughly aside because behind her were seven glorious, shining warp pads arranged in a hexagonal pattern that was, in that moment, more beautiful than any sight Novaculite had laid eyes on.

Moonstone said something, but it was only noise, a distraction as Novaculite jogged unevenly over to the warp control panel, the sound of a successful warp out of this whole janked empire the only one she was listening for.

Menu; Maintenance and Controls; Authorization? Oh I’ve got authorization, had it since the cycle I emerged. Wow, Blue Diamond really is scheduled to warp over here. Glad she's taking her time. Anyway, is it hidden in the Destination layer? Mislabeled or just plain disabled? Nope. Wait, where does that- Whatever, not important. Is it a pre-programmed reroute built into the Execution layer? If you schedule destinations A-B-C-D then you really go to E? Heh, because Earth starts with an- Oh, no, not that. Stars! Wait, maybe it’s stored in the Debug layer? That’d be sneaky. Hmm, not seeing it but if I toggle the log levels to the highest setting then- THAT’S IT! WOW! That is clever as it gets. Enable. Set automatic disable following my logout. Spoof the logs so it shows us going somewhere else aaand let’s get out of here!

Novaculite stepped away from the controls grinning like she’d just come back unharmed from a date with Jasper. “Come on, Moony, let’s get out of here!”

Moonstone looked taken aback by a beaming Novaculite, but hurried over a moment later, landing on the pad beside the Quartz. There was a buzz as someone tried to order the warp chamber door open and failed.

Novaculite laughed, openly and loudly, as she willed the pad to activate and-

Willed the pad to activate again and-

And-

“JANK!”

“Why aren’t we gone?” asked Moonstone. She looked a lot less mysterious when you could see her eyes, doubly so with her using one hand to keep her hair out of her face.

“Because,” roared Novaculite, sprinting unevenly for the control panel once more, “we’re in lockdown mode and the warp pads have been isolated! It’s not a configuration or authorization thing, the entire room has been decoupled from warp space!”

“What does that mean?!” squealed the blue gem, flinching as there was pounding at the door.

“It means that shallow-strata, Zeta-kindergarten Peridot janked us and the only way we could fix this is if we had her personal overri- I- I have an idea!”

“You do?”

“Yeah, it’ll only work if that Peridot is an idiot, so I think we might have a decent chance. But I’ll need your help.”

The door shuddered and some voices were filtering through the drone opening when it irised open briefly. They didn’t sound happy.

Hand going to where she was holding Sunstone’s gem, Moonstone nodded and said, “What do you need me to do?”

Novaculite was already hobbling over to the communications panel as she spoke. “I’m going to call the command center and talk to that pebble of a Peridot. I’m going to ask her for her personal override code. And I’m betting she’s one of those limb enhancer-dependent clods who pulls up the relevant information to her displays without even thinking about it. And you are going to use your power to look at her display while she does it and read it off to me!”

Novaculite waited for a response of ‘Brilliant!’ or ‘You’re cracked!’ but instead Moonstone seemed to shrink in on herself, clutching the gemstone tucked in the fold of her outfit tighter.

“I can’t.”

There was another pound at the door.

“What?! Why not?!”

As the blue gem spoke, the curtain of her hair fell back over her eyes and she left it there, her voice soft. “Space is so large. Unfathomably so. And I can see all of it in my range. The station is small. Even a planet is small compared to space. Finding the command center, finding the Peridot, finding the angle over her shoulder so I can see her screens, it’s finding a specific silicate atom out of an entire desert.”

Novaculite ran a hand through her hair, unable to believe what she was hearing. “But you do that sort of thing all the time. You found all the destabilizers in Rutile’s warehouse. You found the gems hidden near the warp chamber.”

That was still nagging her, that Jasper and that room, because that still didn’t quite make sense. But she’d have all the time she needed after she was on Earth, so she pushed the matter aside.

“I can do that because I have an anchor, a beacon to guide me, a sun shining in the void.” Moonstone pulled the gem from the fold in her outfit, pushed the bangs out of her face with her other hand, and looked at the stone longingly. “It’s why Moonstones always have Sunstones serving them. I am literally lost without her.”

There was as much silence between them as there could be while a handful of gems pounded on the door.

"You can't really see through that blue hair over your eyes, can you?"

Moonstone gave a weak smile, peering out between the parted curtain of her bangs. "Most of those in the Blue Court can, but I never got the hang of it. I've always used my power to compensate."

A considerate gem would have reached forward and tucked Moonstone's hair behind her ears, wiped the tears from her cheeks, looked her in the eyes, and said something comforting and hopeful; a moment of shared solidarity during a crazy situation.

Novaculite wasn't that gem.

"Then we're janked, Sunstone is going to get shattered, and it's all your fault. I bet an Era-1 Moonstone wouldn't be worthless right now."

Moonstone reeled as if struck and Novaculite couldn't find it in her to care. The Quartz turned and hobbled back to the communications panel, not sure what to do but unwilling to stop trying to escape. Without looking back she said, "Do something useful and hover up next to the door. If they punch a hole through or if someone tries to get through the drone opening, use that destabilizer on them. Buy me time to think."

The pounding continued but it hadn't reached the levels they'd heard at the other door. The station gems must have been having a slow time getting through the fields and didn't have full weight of numbers to bear against the door.

With a growl of frustration, Novaculite started to pace the chamber. It was maddening seeing escape right there, gleaming with crystalline tangibility, but not being able to take it.

Okay, think, Nova! This isn't the end for you. It takes smarts to lose this long and still not hit bottom, so use those smarts! Okay, so I somehow get this room recoupled with warp space. Then what? Stars! Homeworld is going to see us vanish completely. There's going to be no way they'd accept that; that Agate would bring a Kindergarten's-worth of warp technicians in here if it meant saving her stone. No, someone's got to take the fall. Okay, good, it's something.

She went to the control panel and queued up a second warp on another pad. It'd generate a random destination from across five different Homeworld planets in range. She spoofed the logs so it wouldn't be immediately obvious, but deliberately did a poor job covering her tracks. After all, this whole thing was pointless if Moonstone actually did manage to escape. No, she just needed to make the chase long enough and convincing enough that they stopped caring about where the warp pad technician had vanished to.

To think she'd nearly screwed everything up when she'd tried to warp them both directly to Earth earlier. That's the kind of sloppiness that makes you hit bottom.

That accomplished, Novaculite paced back to the communications panel, glancing at the door (holding) and the gem guarding it (hovering nearby, tears dripping from her chin, the destablilizer in her grip). Good enough. She searched her mind for any more bright ideas and found none.

Time for the dumb idea, then.

She enabled the communicator, contacting the command center. A second later that obnoxious Peridot's voice came through the speakers. "Commander Center, Peridot speaking. Hi!"

Novaculite's hands involuntarily curled into fists. "Thi-" She stopped because the word was coming out as a growl. Clearing her throat she tried again. "This is the warp chamber. The pads seem to be malfunctioning. Could-"

"Oh! Yes, because of the lockdown! Oh stars! And Blue Diamond has an open warp reservation too. No, that won't do. Fortunately the unidentified ship has docked and the gems aboard taken into custody. They were quite nice if you ignored all the biting. I guess we don't really need to remain on lockdown. I mean, I still haven't really identified the ship because it's so strange and protocol does dictate-"

Novaculite felt a jolt run through her being, the faint spark of hope flaring to a blaze once more. "No! No, you're right. We, uh, we can't keep Blue Diamond waiting. You should definitely recouple our connection with warp space." She couldn't believe this was happening. "Good idea," she added, failing to keep the disbelief out of her voice.

"Yes, it was, wasn't it? Thank you! Recoupling complete. Oh, and how did the assault on the undesirables g-" but the Peridot's sentence was cut off when Novaculite dashed for the warp pads.

"Moonstone!" shouted Novaculite. The blue gem jolted, startled. "Get over here, we're leaving!" The little seer, bangs pushed out of her eyes, zipped over and joined Novaculite on the warp pad.

"Oh! No, small change of plans." Novaculite pushed her toward the adjacent pad. "If we warp together, it'll be easier for Homeworld to figure out how I spoofed their logs. We're going on separate pads; it covers our tracks better."

The gem looked at Novaculite confused. "But all three of us are going to Earth, right?"

Novaculite found a smile and pointed it toward the other gem. "Yeah. You and Sunstone together on that pad, me on this one. I'll see you on the other side."

The blue gem hesitated for a moment but then there was a heavy thud at the door that left a visible dent.

"Hurry or I'm leaving without you!" barked the Quartz.

Moonstone stepped on and Novaculite didn't waste a second using her authorization to trigger their warps. Columns of light surrounded them, there was a chime, and then they were gone.

---

Novaculite laughed. She couldn't help it. She'd been this way through the entire Rebellion, giddy after she managed to make it out of a fight with all of her facets intact. And this hadn't just been some skirmish with a Ruby squad. No, this was her hoodwinking the Diamonds themselves!

It had been a darn close thing. A hundred things could have happened --or failed to happen, like her setting up that Era-2 patsy-- and she'd be waking up in a cell or embedded in a questioning device.

But none of that mattered. She was headed for Earth. Earth! Another peel of laughter struck the gem and she laughed with manic abandon, riding a euphoria of victory and gem-deep relief.

Earth, she thought again. A sobering idea occurred to her, cutting her laughter short. What if Earth wasn't as dead as Homeworld said it was? Citrine could be there. Or Jasper, because if anyone could survive a Homeworld doomsday attack, it'd be the perfect Quartz. Would they be angry to see her? Would they try and shatter her? She had followed Rose during the Schism, fired her arrows at her former co-rebels, after all.

She shook her head. All worries for later, because -and she still couldn't believe this- there was going to be a later!

As the warp faded out Novaculite was giggling. She took a deep breath of that fresh Earth air, blinked her eyes, and saw-

She was in a room. There were containment cells along one wall and implements nearby used for making stubborn gems talk. A small window showed a view of space overlooking a planet that was a swirling maelstrom of yellow and purple clouds.

Novaculite had no idea where she was, but it sure as schist wasn't Earth.

Using her gem she reached out to the warp pads and found them under absolute lockdown: no access, even for her. She started to move, to run somewhere, but then a pink sword slid over her shoulder into her field of view.

"Hello Novi."

Two words from a voice she hadn't heard in millennia. A voice that chilled Novaculite to the core of her stone.

Thinking, hoping this was a ruse, she risked a look back over her other shoulder and saw her. There could be no mistaking that gem.

Novaculite collapsed to her knees like a stunned human, staring blankly ahead. There was a kind of wisdom to be found in abject pessimism. Always expecting the worst had been how she'd fallen as long as she had without hitting bottom. Where she'd messed up was hoping. Hope made you sloppy, made you stupid, and Novaculite had been stupid.

Her head hung a little lower as the pieces fell into place. There had never been a warp to Earth. She'd known most of the rumors about escape had been cooked up by the authorities to draw out the gullible idiots. What she hadn't realized was that all of the rumors were false.

The 'dissidents' Moonstone had seen were really Homeworld agents hidden there to catch gems who fell into that particular trap. That room Holly Blue had stormed into had been an interrogation chamber. They'd kept the Agate out of the loop because they weren't idiots and they knew she'd screw something up if she knew.

Novaculite's breath hitched a little, her droop deepening as she marveled at the terrible perfection of the trap.

That Jasper had recognized her because she'd known they were coming. Rutile hadn't known. She was a terrible liar, and unlike Novaculite, she wouldn't have sacrificed others to save her own gem. No, her handlers were very good about letting her think she was helping fellow wayward gems escape the Diamonds. And if that bait eventually stopped working, if the false containers of bauxite stopped showing up, then they'd finally grab Rutile as well.

And if by some amazing circumstance the fugitives slipped past the agents ready to capture them, then there was a carefully hidden route to Earth waiting to be discovered. And those talented fugitives were warped directly into an inescapable trap.

Oddly enough, that made Novaculite feel a little better. She'd never had a chance, not really. When she'd met Rutile she'd hoped that if it all cracked down the middle, it'd be because there was someone competent to blame for it.

And there was. Probably the most competent gem in the entire empire, in fact.

Not that it helped much, given how terrible the hopefully-short remainder of her life was going to be.

"...General..." Novaculite stammered out, unable to turn and face the terrible pink gem behind her, a coward to the very end.

Notes:

And we reach the end of Novaculite's attempt to escape from the reach of Homeworld. A reminder that this omake is 100% canon even if the events thereof are unknown to most or all of the characters in the main fic. I make no guarantees over whether any of the OCs from this story will show up later on, or if those appearances will also be canon. Moonstone and Sunstone could very well escape, an irony that the self-centered Novaculite doesn't appear to have noticed just yet. And Novaculite's fate looks grim, but savvy readers such as yourselves know to treat nonspecific dooms with at least a bit of incredulity.

I hope you enjoyed this ride across Homeworld space, seeing some of what's going on in that big ol' space empire Connie and co. are aware of and, to varying degrees, worried about.

Finally, here's a couple of drawings MJ did a while back of Moonstone and Sunstone:

Chapter 46: The ConnieSwap Vignettes - A collection of very short stories

Chapter by meooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww333

Summary:

A series of very short stories that takes place within the universe of ConnieSwap. Every short story could represent either a plot or not much of a plot at all. All in all, every story ranges all the way from slice of life like Lapis philosophizing about the universe while eating a coconut flavored donut to the final moments of a gem warrior more than 5000 years ago during the Gem War. This collection will be constantly updating.

Notes:

Hey there, MK_Foodshops here. The following description for the ConnieSwap vignettes is taken directly from the summary:

A series of very short stories that takes place within the universe of ConnieSwap. Every short story could represent either a plot or not much of a plot at all. All in all, every story ranges all the way from slice of life like Lapis philosophizing about the universe while eating a coconut flavored donut to the final moments of a gem warrior more than 5000 years ago during the Gem War. This collection will be constantly updating.

I will be constantly updating this collection like I said, but probably not at regular intervals. This is mainly to serve as a way for me to turn my imagination and thoughts into actual text as well as a way to practice my writing. Thank you and I hope you enjoy reading the stories inside the collection.

Running through Fire

Clack.

 

She ran, ran across the battlefield. Soared through the air. Sparks hit her face. Her thoughts drowned out the screaming around her.

"Obsidian! There you are, please help me! They're coming!" 

But she ran, ran across the battlefield. She knew exactly what would happen if she tried to help her. It was already too late.

 

Clack.

 

A ferociously armed Quartz soldier blocked her away. The warrior raised her battleaxe. 

But the Crystal Gem knew better. She sidestepped and poofed her with a swift swipe of her heels.

And she ran, ran across the battlefield. 

 

Clack.

 

There was no chance of getting away. There wasn't ever a chance of getting away. 

She knew this. She knew everything that was going to happen.

It was all her fault. She knew this attack was coming.

 

Clack.

 

Yet she ran, ran across the battlefield. Soared through the air. Sparks hit her face. She could hear the screaming clearly now. 

 

Clack.

---

Second Thoughts

"Okay Lapis, but why would I ever want to play this?" Peridot stared blankly at the blue gem. 

Lapis Lazuli raised a twenty-sided die and flicked her hair. "Because. It's fun, P-Dot. I mean I got Citrine to play it, why can't you? Also not to mention, you're having last second thoughts. What is with you and your last second thoughts?"

Peridot turned her gaze to the die she was holding, then back to the water witch. "Well, Lazuli. First of all, it's very nerdy. And second of all, we are already living in a world where we have to deal with scenarios where we have to fight giant monsters already. Third, I don't know how to roleplay. I mean, I have analyzed all the possible outcomes on 'roleplaying' and I have determined it has no beneficial use whatsoever to my method of entertainment." 

The opposite gem rolled her eyes. "Well, okay. Fine, Peridot. Here you are, dressed up in a nice costume already and now you are refusing to play the game. Guess I spent the last twenty minutes trying to convince you otherwise for a fun, innocent game that literally everybody else plays other than OJ and here you are, disappointing me. Did I mention I was disappointed?"

The engineer placed her hands on her hips. "Well, Lapis. I..." 

"What excuses now, P-Dot?"

"I..." The green gem raised a finger, as if about to say something sassy. "Ah by the stars. Whatever. Let's just get this over with."

Then Peridot snatched the die from the svelte gem and rolled it across the table. 

---

Earth

Fists slammed again and again on the flight console. A hand reached above and pressed numerous buttons, to which all responded with flickering and sparks. Only the radar display worked and not the actual radar. Worst of all, the entire thing was going down in flames as it was approaching the atmosphere.

A desperate cry for help rang through the tiny space.

"This is Alabaster, Alabaster to Line 3-7-7-5! My spacecraft, the Sterling Wind, is going down on an unknown planet, departed from the warship Flight Feather! The coordinate quadrant in space should be no more than 50 ticks away from the warship! Please! Somebody save me, I need help immediately!" She cried. "The planet's gravity is immensely strong and soon my ship and I will both burn up in the atmosphere in approximately five minutes!"

Silence returned her call, as expected. The ship's signal transmitters must have been damaged while she was still in space. Panic began to settle in her voice.

"Not like this. Not like this. Oh, stars. Please, please, please." She unbuckled her belt and pulled a space jacket from under her chair. The jacket was more for floating around in space with some controlled movement rather than something like burning up in the atmosphere, but it was certainly better than nothing.

She connected the last strap. The jacket was fastened on her. This was it.

Alabaster pushed the emergency eject button.

---

Historical Accuracy

Connie sat down at the table and began reading from the book aloud in a very dramatic voice.

"The Tales of Beach City! Told from the perspective of Johnathan Dewey, a former councilman of Beach City..." Her grin faltered as she flipped some pages.

Why, this is all wrong! When has Jasper ever done anything like smash up the trees near the town just because she was "feeling like becoming stronger"?  Connie thought with disbelief. She flipped the pages more and more furiously. I think this page is referring to Lapis Lazuli. What? I know sometimes Lapis could be wild but, no way! Why would she do anything like that?

She stood up and raised the book above her head. There was what was presumably an illustration of Lapis Lazuli at the bottom of the right page, with a wicked grin and hands clenched in a fist, like some kind of cartoon villain. The sketch on the next page depicted the blue gem more than about 30 feet tall, pounding her fists into the buildings while laughing maniacally.

Before Connie knew it, she stomped to the door in frustration, hoping to find one of the gems outside. She swung open the door.

Jasper was standing right there.

"Jasper! Look, this book is telling nothing but lies about you and the Crystal Gems! I'm sure it's just monsters causing all the trouble and you guys taking the blame for it!" Connie exclaimed.

Jasper stared downwards at the book. "Ah. I think I remember this one from a long while back."

"You remember this book?" she repeated.

Jasper raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Yeah. The human that wrote this kept getting things wrong, so we gave him nothing but accurate accounts of what actually happened. Well maybe some pictures were exaggerated, but this book is pretty much the truth."

Connie stared at the giant orange gem blankly.

---

Two Special Investigators

It was just another normal day in the life of Ronaldo, super special Beach City blogger and investigator. Nothing in life was ever boring for him and everything was interesting to him.

Well, except today, where literally nothing happened thus far. No weird gem events, no weird paranormal happenings, and certainly no interesting situations for him to blog about. He kicked around as he strolled down the street. Maybe today was actually meant to be a break day for Ronaldo.

Yes indeed! I've been working so hard for the past few days, blogging so many weird things in Beach City. I ought to take a break sometime! That's it! I will take a break today!

Ronaldo then picked up the pace and walked slightly faster than before. He began turning towards the direction of the Big Donut when a voice ran out from his right side.

"Greetings! You there, can you help me?" 

Ronaldo turned his head and what greeted him was a bizarre sight indeed. A strange seven to eight feet tall woman with long flowing white hair turned to face him. She donned a shimmering white dress and had a giant white ribbon in her hair. 

"Y-yes? Who might you be, oh mysterious figure? I am Ronaldo, special investigator and information provider of this city!" Ronaldo blurted quickly.

The woman smiled. "Ah, wonderful! If you're the information provider, that's even better. The name is Moonstone. I'm afraid the Diamonds didn't have much information to give when they sent me on this mission. Just a simple question, human. What if I told you a super weapon were to emerge from the ground and shatter this planet?" 

The Fryman slowly digested what she just said before responding quickly. "I... I don't believe you."

"Just as I thought a human would answer. Thank you for your response." Moonstone conjured a digital surface from seemingly nowhere and pressed on it several times. "Alright then, don't move, fellow special investigator."

There was a flash of light and Ronaldo woke up from the sidewalk a hour later, with no recollection of what has just happened. 

Chapter 47: Bonus Scene - Episode 21: Lost and Found

Chapter by br42

Summary:

An explanation of where Wolf was during the excitement of Episode 21, Chapter 3.

Notes:

This is canon but it would have taken away from the intended tone for the end of Ep21. Rather than leave Wolf's absence unexplained or shoehorn in something into the Ep21Ch2 and Ep21Ch3 transition, I decided to have this short tidbit be a bonus scene to the end of the episode. Again, silly as it is, this is canon.

"That's the gem from the inverted pyramid." She looked up from where she'd been staring at the floor. "And it's my fault it's loose."

The room was quiet, the silence stretching out and becoming oppressive.

A scratching noise drew everyone’s attention: Wolf was staring at them through the screen door, the large canine wearing his Dogbo costume.

“Oh, that’s what he was up to,” said Steven, getting up from beside Connie and walking toward the door.

Chapter 48: Caught Off Balance

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Everyone knew that Rose and Citrine, leaders of the Rebellion, argued over strategy but Obsidian never expected anything to come of it.

Notes:

This omake requires some context. Over in the Connie Swap Discord I sometimes give out boons to readers who help out other readers with projects or participate in Discord events. These are good for all sorts of things and MK_Foodshops used theirs to request that I write an omake based on their vignette Running through Fire (the vignette collection can be read here). And that's how this omake came to be.

As far as what this omake is about, it's the point where the Schism --the divide between Rose-supporters and Citrine-supports-- became overt, splitting the Rebellion in half. The OCs here, Obsidian and Novaculite 'Culi' have thus far been referenced in Ep18Ch2 and Ep19Ch1, as well as in the canon omake Escape from Homeworld.

This omake is 100% canonical. Consider it an insight into a significant moment in the Connie Swap setting that the main fic has yet to explore in depth. Also consider giving MK_Foodshop's omakes, Peridot's Secret and The ConnieSwap Vignettes - A collection of very short stories, a look.

Obsidian was waiting outside of Bismuth's smithy. Like all the other rebels in line with her, they were needing to get their material weapons sharpened. Or repaired. Or replaced. Unlike all the other rebels in the line, she didn't carry her weapons, she wore them.

Her heels had gotten dull and that just wouldn't do.

A pebble bounced against the side of her head. Expression remaining placid, the large gem turned and saw a comparatively small, grey Quartz hailing her. Novaculite, 'Culi' as she'd taken to call herself, was weaving through the bustle of the rebel encampment and waving at her over the top of a quintet of Carnelians.

The Carnelians were being especially loud and rowdy, which was to say, they were being Carnelians.

That Culi had pegged Obsidian's head from fifty yards off was only impressive if you didn't know Culi. The other rebel Novaculite was apparently the better warp pad technician, but no one could hit a target like Culi.

Obsidian turned to the Amethyst standing behind her in line, a cracked maul slung over one purple shoulder. "Hold this," said the gem who was taller than most even without the heels, and she handed the great slab of steel she called a shield to the startled Quartz. That would let everyone know her spot in line.

"Wha- O-oh, okay," the purple gem stammered out, staggering slightly from the weight of Obsidian's tower shield. With a nod, Obsidian waded through the throng over toward her friend.

---

They'd found a quietish spot along the camp's periphery under a tree tall enough even Obsidian could stand comfortably beneath it.

"Culi," said Obsidian, her voice smooth and even.

The grey Quartz fidgeted as though nervous, her gaze on the horizon even as she spoke. "About the fight tomorrow. You're in Citrine's division, right?"

"Jasper's on the left flank. Rose has the right," Obsidian answered laconically. Someone had to guard Citrine and everyone knew she was third in line.

Culi scratched the back of her neck under her thick mane of hair. "Do you wanna be there? Citrine doesn't leave a lot for everyone else to do, ya know."

Obsidian looked silently at the top of Culi's head. "If this is about some betting pool Zircon has set up-"

Culi looked up, "No! Nothing like-" She broke eye contact and ran a hand through her hair, facing the horizon once more. "The generals have been- You've heard the rumors that- I know you and Citrine are close but-"

"Culi," said Obsidian, her rich voice silencing the agitated archer. "Pretend the point of this conversation is your target."

The grey gem leaned against the tree and laughed, a manic kind of laugh that wasn't particularly happy. She used her free hand to wipe the corner of one eye. "Okay, you got me there. Look, the generals have been arguing again. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it."

"Everyone knows it doesn't mean anything," Obsidian replied.

In private the generals had been arguing off and on for ages. The only thing the rebels did more than fight was gossip. Everyone knew, everyone knew that everyone knew, but when the generals were around everyone pretended it didn't happen. Rose and Citrine were literally made for each other. It just seemed wrong, them disagreeing like that. But it also meant they'd always get over... whatever it was they fought about.

You learned to ignore it after a couple of decades.

"Yeah but, what if it did?" pressed the Quartz.

Culi summoned an arrow from her gemstone and fiddled with it. Unlike the other Novaculite, Culi's had fletching across three sides. Obsidian couldn't help but stare at the hard light projectile, trying to see the technique at work. Quartzes seemed to pick up the trick for summoning weapons quickly. Obsidian was no Quartz.

And her heels still needed to be sharpened.

Obsidian shook her head, still not seeing the point of all this. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

Culi looked up at her, her expression torn. She opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. "I-" She fell silent. A beat later, she managed to say, "If you're in the central division, be careful, is all I'm saying. I think it's going to be a rough fight."

She allowed the arrow to fall. It landed point-first in the soil before dissolving.

Obsidian kept from looking down at her friend in anything other than the literal sense. Culi was the best shot in the Rebellion and one of the few gems who could give Homeworld's air superiority pause. She'd saved Obsidian from poofing (or worse) four times that Obsidian was aware of, and likely many other times as well. She bragged, but not half as much as she could have. When she had her bow in hand, she was one of the bravest gems to ever fight in the Rebellion.

Without the bow, she was a worrier with pre-combat jitters like you wouldn't believe.

"I'll be careful," said Obsidian in a level tone. She gestured toward camp. "I need to get back in line."

She was several paces away, long strides eating up the distance, when Culi called out, "Don't trip!"

Obsidian had perfect balance. She could trample an enemy squad across a frozen lake with a level balanced on her shoulder. She had once. She'd won big in Zircon's betting pool that fight.

"Don't miss," she called back, the second half of their call-and-response leaping easily to her tongue.

Culi never missed.

---

Half of the enemy ranks broke, an Agate berating them for their cowardice. The other half of the ranks fled when the Agate poofed with a thunderclap, Citrine's sword flying across the battlefield and skewering her form.

Obsidian stood near the general, tower shield held ready despite the enemy’s rout. Homeworld would regroup and charge again sooner or later.

Light stopped shining through the Rebellion co-founder as Citrine raised a hand to shade her eyes. "Something is wrong on our flank." She picked up her tiny, material shield from where it had dropped to the ground. She summoned a force field onto it and said, "I'll anchor the central division while you reconnoiter."

There were gems faster than Obsidian in the Rebellion, but not many.

Shifting her steel shield to her left hand --it would be between her and the enemy while she ran for the right flank-- Obsidian gave the general an affirmative and began sprinting over the battlefield.

Clack.

Something pinged off her shield, a material projectile ricocheting away.

Clack.

She passed a trio of rebel Amethysts in a picket formation. One of them whistled as she sprinted past.

Clack.

She ran over cracked earth littered with weapon fragments as though it was a performing stage for Pearls.

Clack.

She saw...

The right flank was falling back. They were withdrawing but not toward the center. Wherever they were going, it wasn't to somewhere they could support the central division. Homeworld forces were surging into the gap.

Obsidian didn't have eyes like Citrine but even she could see the looks of worry on the remaining Rebellion picket forces.

Was this all a feint? If so, it was a really convincing one because-

An arrow struck the earth an inch from Obsidian's heeled feet. The moment it dissolved, a second struck the exact same spot.

They were hard light arrows. They had triple fletching.

Obsidian's normally placid expression shattered as the scene suddenly made sense. Pointing her shield between her and the withdrawing Rebel forces, Obsidian ran as fast as her form would take her toward the- toward her general.

Clack.

She ran, ran across the battlefield. Soared across the landscape. Sparks hit her face as some distant structure was torched. Her thoughts drowned out the noises behind her.

"Obsidian! There you are. Please help me! They're coming!" shouted one of the picket Amethysts.

But she ran, ran across the battlefield. She knew exactly what would happen if she tried to help her. It was already too late.

Clack.

Culi never missed.

Clack.

A ferociously armed Quartz soldier blocked her away. The warrior raised her battleaxe.

But the Crystal Gem knew better. She sidestepped and poofed the Homeworld Quartz with a swift swipe of her heels.

And she ran, ran across the battlefield.

Clack.

Culi could have poofed her.

Clack.

There was no chance of getting away. Homeworld would be cutting off their retreat even as she ran.

She knew this. She knew everything that was going to happen.

She should have seen this coming.

Clack.

Culi had been warning her. When her words missed their mark, she let her arrows speak instead.

Clack.

Obsidian transferred the shield to the other side where it might do some good.

She could hear the screaming clearly: desperate gems fighting and falling, too few available to form a defensive line against so many.

Clack.

She reached her general, told her general what was happening.

If Rose was kindness, Citrine was confidence. In this moment, Rose was anything but kind and Citrine looked anything but confident.

Obsidian blinked and her general stood resolute once more.

"Stay beside me. We're falling back on Jasper's flank and fighting our way to the canyon. Homeworld can't overwhelm us from there. Biggs will cover our escape with a rockslide."

Citrine's shield fell from her arm and the enemy advance faltered for a moment. Obsidian protected her until she was able to pick up the material shield once more.

Citrine bellowed the command for withdrawal and they fell back.

The Agates imposed order on their soldiers and the Homeworld horde surging forward once more. If she had been any other gem, Obsidian's knees would have been shaking.

---

The encampment was neither bustling nor loud. For every ten gems that had marched out under Citrine’s command, only five had marched back. That the ones under Rose’s command were presumably safe at some unknown location was cold comfort.

Obsidian's shield was dented. Holes had been punched through the inch-thick slab of steel in several places. Her heels were dull too. Bismuth was smithing but it would be a while before Obsidian had a chance to visit her.

After everyone that was going to make it back returned, after Citrine had dismissed them to their tasks, their general had walked proudly through the encampment and entered the leadership structure. Months ago a Rutile had painted the door half yellow, half pink.

Jasper --the Jasper everyone meant when they said 'Jasper'-- and Obsidian stood guard outside. Everyone was on edge and both of them had fallen into place outside the building without being asked. They only had one general left, after all.

Inside the leadership structure came the sound of crying. Sometimes the name 'Rose' could be heard between sobs.

Obsidian, like everyone else, pretended not to notice.

Chapter 49: Pet Store

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Having recently discovered Wolf's pocket dimension, Connie demonstrates it for Steven. Peridot is there to supervise. What they learn changes everything.

Notes:

This started out as a cute little deleted scene for Episode 23 that I had in my head. Then I tried to write it and this whole, silly thing tumbled out.

You should treat this as canon but exaggerated. In the main fic's continuity, Connie does demonstrate Wolf's pocket dimension to Steven, and Peridot is there to observe. They do have their epiphany. And Peridot really is enthusiastic about argon. However, all the drama, the, for want of a better word, overacting is just me having fun with the scene. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Peridot was nearby, both to supervise as well as to scan for more data regarding the ‘dimensionally transcendental lupus phenomenon.’

Steven had cracked an Under the Knife joke about how it’s always lupus. Connie laughed. Peridot didn’t. Wolf panted happily.

Connie was petting the huge hound. “Alright, Wolf. I’d like to go in one more time to show Steven. Is that okay?”

He gave an affable bark and then rolled his head a little to the side to expose his neck.

“Just be sure to hold your breath in there,” said Steven. “Although I did have to learn first aid techniques for my Beach City class, so I can give you CPR if you need it.” He scratched the side of his head. “I think I count as a certified first responder now.”

“Um, I think I’ll be fine. But thanks, Steven.” Connie took a deep breath and then dove forward, a nimbus of light silhouetting her as she climbed in.

Peridot’s limb enhancer chimed. “I’m picking up heightened levels of argon in the air. It is, I suspect, the gas filling the dimensional pocket.”

“Argon? Isn’t that the name of a superhero?” asked Steven.

Lapis walked in from outside. She gave Steven a cheerful wave and found a stretch of countertop to lean against. Steven waved back.

“Negative.” There was a pause and then she hedged, saying, “Most likely not. Regardless, argon is a colorless inert gas used for purposes like incandescent lighting, blue-green lasers, as well as acting as a shielding agent to prevent chemical reactions. Its utility is manifold.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were so passionate about argon,” said the teen while errantly petting Wolf’s flank.

Peridot preened slightly. “As a technician and a Crystal Gem, it is only right that I appreciate one of the most abundant elements in the Earth’s atmospheric mixture.”

“Oh geeze,” said Lapis. “You didn’t get P talking about argon did you?”

“It’s-” Peridot faltered, her voice hitching a little. “It’s just such a noble gas.”

Lapis shoved off from the counter and headed straight for the door. “Nope! Not going through this again. I don’t have time for that and I’m ageless!” The screen door slammed shut on its own.

“Bye Lapis!” called Steven. Then the teen cocked his head to the side, thinking something through. “Wait, but if it’s so common, how come we can’t breathe it?”

Peridot pulled up a holographic pie chart. “As you can see, the atmosphere is overwhelmingly nitrogen and oxygen, the latter of which you need for respiration. Argon exists in the admixture but in insufficient quantity to obstruct breathing. Being denser than air but chemically inert, it makes a superb flame retardant. I was sorely tempted to use it in place of the foam I have installed in the Beach House’s system, but the risk of suffocation was too great.” Her expression soured and she grumbled, “Now, if only Doug had allowed me to install rebreathers throughout the dwelling like I’d suggested...”

“Hey, miss Peridot?” interrupted Steven. “Hasn’t Connie been in there for, like, a long time?”

Peridot’s mouth fell open and she brought up a holographic timer. Her eyes bulged at the display. Running at the couch, the gem clawed with seven fingers at the fur around Wolf’s neck. “Wolf! Open your pelt-based portal to me immediately! Connie may be imperiled!”

Wolf, meanwhile, scrambled to his feet and tried to fend off the panicked guardian, the two more-or-less collapsing into an undignified scrum across multiple couch cushions.

Steven was tapping his chin. “Huh, maybe it only works when Connie asks.”

Wolf clambered off the couch, semi-trampling Peridot in the process. The green gem pushed herself up with one arm and thrust out the other towards Wolf in a dramatic display. “Curse you, recalcitrant canine! And curse you, argon! Your many splendid ways have truly cost me this day!”

Connie spilled out from Wolf’s side, the glow from his fur backlighting her exit. She landed on her back, facing the ceiling and gasping as she sucked in great lungfuls of air.

Steven ran over, staring down at his friend. “Connie! Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?!”

“I’m still-” gasp “-conscious, Steven, I’m-” gasp “-fine.”

Steven frowned. “Oh… Are you sure?”

Connie’s cheeks were flushed, obviously from holding her breath and for no other reason at all. “Yes. I just tried to-” gasp “-look for that missing journal again and-” gasp “-stayed too AAH!”

Peridot rocketed into Connie, ironically clutching the girl tightly enough it was making it hard for her to breathe. “Oh, my precious dear! I’m so relieved you didn’t asphyxiate! Words cannot describe my-”

Connie was slapping the gem’s arm and pointing at her throat. Her face was beginning to shift color.

“Eep!” The guardian released the girl and scooched back. “Sorry, dear. Between the argon and the threat of your untimely demise, I may have gotten a little excitable.”

Steven, still looking a little disappointed his training wasn’t needed, said to Peridot, “If only there were those rebreathers you were talking about inside Wolf.”

Connie, who had finally turned her normal shade of color, sat up. She opened her mouth to object when she stopped. “Wait… Would that work?” She looked at Wolf. Wolf managed a very convincing shrug for a quadruped, then padded over and licked her face.

“And couldn’t you, like, put other stuff in there too? Like a sword? Or a tent? Or your bike?” Wolf was looking a little apprehensive but Steven was growing all the more excited. “Or your favorite book? Or snacks?” Wolf barked, suddenly onboard with this line of reasoning.

Connie considered this. “Uh, wouldn’t the lack of air make the food go bad?”

Peridot chimed in. “Actually, one of the many uses of argon is as a preservative. With all moisture and air displaced, the shelf-life of foodstuff is vastly extended.” A beat later and she was walking with haste across the living room, temple door sliding open. “I’ll fetch the rebreather prototypes your father rashly rejected. Oh, argon, I can’t stay cross with you. With my Connie restored to me, all is forgiven,” she rhapsodized.

The temple closed and for a moment there was silence. The teens both stared into the middle distance and then, slowly, back at one another.

“Steven, do you realize what this means?” said Connie, her expression serious.

Her friend nodded. “Yes. It- It changes everything.”

---

Connie and Steven were sitting on the edge of the boardwalk facing the bay. Wolf was lying between them, panting contentedly as the sea breeze blew in his face.

Connie and Steven shared a look and nodded in unison.

“Wolf?” asked Connie, and Wolf licked his chops in agreement.

The girl leaned sideways, burying her arm up to the shoulder, bathed in both sunlight and the faint glow from yellow fur. A second later she pulled out a six-ring pack of sodas, tossing one to Steven before cracking one open herself.

Reaching in again, she withdrew a wide bowl, a little water sloshing over the side. Wolf began lapping at it gratefully.

A third attempt and she retrieved three pairs of sunglasses, two normal-sized, one large. With serious expressions, she and Steven wordlessly flipped them open with a sharp snap of the wrist --they’d practiced that move for hours the day before-- and put them on. Then, together, they carefully positioned the large pair for Wolf’s benefit.

A final reach into the pocket dimension resulted in fry bits, perfectly preserved from when they’d been ordered days earlier. Connie held a handful out for Wolf, who licked all of them into his mouth and began chewing contentedly.

A little ways distant, Jenny Pizza and Buck Dewey, two-thirds of the Cool Kids, were watching in awe.

“Now that’s cool,” said the delivery girl.

Shades slipping down his nose, Buck nodded, lost for words.

Chapter 50: Diamonds in the Rough

Chapter by br42

Summary:

It turns out, Connie isn't the only one with a startling secret to share.

Notes:

Following the bombshell that was A Single Pale Rose, we on the Connie Swap Team have received a number of asks if Connie has a diamond embedded in her chest.

I'm here now to lay the rumors to rest and say, yes. But she's not the only one! Below is an excerpt from a future episode of Connie Swap where the amazing truth comes out.

---

Note: this fic is not only not canon, it's so silly, it is of negative canonical value.

It was evening in the Beach House and Connie, Steven, Peridot, Lapis, and Jasper were present in the living room. Even Wolf had padded in from outside and, after a brief visit to his food bowl and water dish, he'd flopped down in head-scratching range and joined the group.

Connie sat on the middle couch cushion and was clutching a heavy book to her chest like it was a piece of flotsam and all that was keeping her from sinking beneath turbulent waters. There were bags under her eyes and her hair had been tidied, but poorly, the result of someone too distracted to focus on their work.

To her left was Jasper, the large gem stoic as ever. Alert and indomitable like always, she sat with the patience of a mountain. One hand had drifted down and was now idly scratching Wolf's yellow head.

Steven was sitting to Connie's right, the boy looking at his friend with faint worry lines encroaching on a face that was used to smiling. Every so often he'd raise a hand as though to pat Connie's shoulder only to stop short and slowly lower it back to his lap.

Lapis was lounging at the window seat, the blue gem looking at the room through half-lidded eyes. The corner of her mouth was turned up into a light smirk, the cause of her amusement unknown. A little powdered sugar clung to her shorts, a reminder of her previous Big Donut-supplied snack.

Peridot was pacing up and down the length of the Beach House, ten pounds of nervous energy contained in a two pound, green sack. Her limb enhancers were clasped behind her back and her eyes were fixed on the middle distance, the gem seeing thoughts rather than scenery.

After a minute of watching Peridot travel back and forth, Lapis broke the silence and said, "What's up, Dot?"

Peridot stopped, blinking to focus her eyes on her surroundings. Turning to address the group, she brought a fist-equivalent up to her mouth, cleared her throat, and said, "Ah, yes. Recently, new, shocking information has come to light that needs to be shared with all of us. I-" She shook her head. "Connie dear, why don't you tell the others what you told me?"

Connie's grip on the book tightened marginally and the girl seemed to shrink around it. Then, drawing a deep breath, the girl found her emotional footing and sat up a little straighter. "I found an old journal of mom's, one she kept super hidden. And, well, it turns out..." A hand went up and touched her brilliant yellow gemstone. Another breath and, like someone ripping off a band aid, she said, "Mom was actually Yellow Diamond."

Peridot flinched at her Diamond's name. Jasper's eyes narrowed but the gem otherwise maintained her poker face. Wolf's gaze was locked on the gemstone at Connie's neckline, his expression oddly serious. Steven clutched at his tummy as though he'd eaten something that didn't quite agree with him. Lapis' unknowable smirk deepened slightly.

Peridot's floating fingers twitched slightly, a sign of their owner's nervousness. "I'm certain you are all shocked by this revelation but-"

A yawn cut the gem off, the response silencing the technician from sheer audacity. All eyes turned to Lapis.

Without sitting up, Lapis said, "That chump just couldn't keep from stealing my ideas."

Peridot stared at her, first in confusion, then in mounting alarm. "B-Blue Diamond?!"

Lapis winked, her smirk finally blossoming into a full grin. "What, you think any gem can levitate all the oceans off this planet? I've been slumming it on Earth for millennia. The food here is waaay better than on Homeworld." She finally sat up, stretching like a cat, and added, "Though the palanquin did make for a heckuva nap."

Everyone stared at Lapis for a long minute. Peridot was the first to snap from the tension. "GAH! But you- And the Rebellion- How could you even-" Her hand-equivalents went to her mouth and her cheeks flushed. "And we've-"

Another blue wink and Peridot threw her arms up in defeat. "Alright, show of hands: who here is secretly a Diamond, either shapeshifted or embedded in a foreign body?"

Hesitantly Steven raised a hand, the other one pulling his shirt up to expose the pink gemstone set where his belly button had been previously. "Things got a little weird with an hourglass a while ago."

Connie's eyebrows tried to escape her forehead and her jaw dropped as low as it could go.

Jasper's large hand went up, leaving Wolf's head momentarily bereft of noggin scratches. There was a flash and the gemstone on Jasper's face pivoted to reveal a more regular, four-sided shape. Another flash and it returned to its familiar orientation. "Plaid Diamond. I don't get a lot of publicity."

Peridot stared at the warrior-cum-Diamond uncomprehendingly. Then she all but shouted, "Of course you are! Of course I'm surrounded by not only Diamonds in disguise, but secret, hitherto unknown Diamonds in disguise!" She paced a bit before slowing to halt, her expression thoughtful. "I guess that leaves Homeworld being managed by White Diamond. After all, she's the only remaining member of the-"

Wolf raised a paw as though to shake. In a swift change, the paw as well as the rest of the hound turned a perfect white.

"Oh, you have got to be janking me!" said a slightly-muffled Peridot, her face buried in her hand-equivalents.

Chapter 51: Lutes and Loot

Chapter by br42, leo60228

Summary:

Connie, Steven, Jeff, and Peedee have an exciting battle against an alien matriarch.

Notes:

BR42 here. Because I tend to be the one posting the omakes to the Omake Collection, my name ends up attached to a lot of stuff I had little-to-no direct involvement in. This is another one of those cases: this is leo60228's fun little omake and no one else's. I'm told the characters are playing something akin to 5th ed. Dungeons and Dragons, so if that is your tabletop pastime of choice you may spot some in-jokes as well.

Enjoy!

(note from leo60228: there's one 4e joke too)

Connie, Steven, Jeff, and Peedee were playing an exciting game of Lutes and Loot. Jeff, as the Earthly Controller, exclaimed “The Alien Matriarch, with a noise of thunder, swaps Connie and Steven’s bodies!” “What? No fair!” “Yes! I have a gem now!” “...you were the person who wanted that homebrew, weren’t you, Steven?” “But it’s way more fun to actually use it!”

Connie, realizing it’s her turn on the IniTracker 9000 (upgraded from a desk calculator by Peridot, after lots of convincing), says “I run up with Steven’s greatsword, slicing my blade through the foul beast!” After the sound of rolling dice, Jeff tells Connie “It weakens the yellow fiend... but, angered, she snaps the blade in half between turns with a Legendary Action!” Peedee, annoyed, tries to convince Connie to replace it with a halberd, which is a third of the price with the same damage (“But you don’t understand, it’s a part of my character!”)

Steven, not realizing the fact previously, says “Aww, no fair. She’s a Legendary Monster?” Peedee, annoyed, tells Steven “She’s used like 10 Legendary attacks already on me…” Peedee then exclaims that “I use Twinned Spell to shoot two Eldritch Blasts to deal… 48 damage, plus 5 for each ray, so 88 damage! That better weaken it a bunch, right?”

Attacking right after Peedee, Steven bashes the enemy with his new Force Field ability, saying “That must kill the monster!” Jeff affirms this, but… “As she falls, she shoots lightning at the support beams. The palace crumbles! Do a skill challenge to escape-” “Why are there so many rules for something as obvious as rolling a handful of dice?”

After the argument ends, they all roll to see if they can escape. Steven, unlucky as always, nearly fails, making Connie need to drag him out. They suddenly switch to their normal bodies, and escape out to their Unishuttle. “It looks like pirates are in the middle of taking it!,” exclaims Jeff as the game ends.

After the game, they all eat some Indomie Noodles. “I keep telling you, Maruchan’s less popular, but way better!,” says an annoyed Jeff. “Yeah, you’d be an expert on that…” laughs Peedee. Jeff gets a text, and excitedly tells them that the space pirates will be led by Sadie’s guest character, an Archombie! “Where’d you get the stats for that? They haven’t been in the game since 2.5th Edition…” says Peedee as they leave.

Chapter 52: Deleted Scenes - Episode 24: Gems-ology, The Collection

Chapter by br42

Summary:

One scene that we joked about in the Team chat but never seriously considered including in the episode.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. So, long ago, back when we were talking about Connie and Steven fusing in Connie Swap, we bandied about a lot of hilarious and utterly tasteless ideas. And from that soil blossomed this scene. The first part of which is taken verbatim from the 5th chapter of Episode 24. But that's as far as we were willing to push that particular envelope. However, I decided to go ahead and include a fuller version here for the amusement of any who care to wander where taste and concern for General Audience ratings has departed.

The pair of teens giggled and then Steven ended the call. It was all Connie could do to sit still while Lapis finished and her nails dried. The second they were declared dry, Connie grabbed her pack and bolted out the door.

As the sound of footsteps receded the Beach House was briefly silent. Bismuth finished a blocky crenellation. "I wonder what those two get up to while they're out."

Peridot looked up from her tinkering. "They're unsupervised teenagers. What can they be doing? Neither possesses much currency or the necessary license to operate a vehicle, which sharply curtails any mischief they could be engaging in."

"Maybe they're sparring," said Jasper, gemstone still buried in the rulebook. "They were talking about it the other day. Sounded like sparring."

"Perhaps they're cataloguing local flora or fauna," offered Peridot as she worked.

Lapis, lounging with a knowing smile and a fine dusting of Pocky crumbs, sat up and looked at Peridot in disbelief. "You think they're chasing bugs? Really Dot?"

In a defensive voice, Peridot said, "They could be." Then, more casually, she added, "Regardless, I am unconcerned."

Lapis pouted at the now-empty box of Pocky, then nodded at Peridot. "I s'pose you're right. I mean, it's not like they're fusing or anything."

Everyone chuckled at the absurdity of the idea.

"Besides," added Lapis, "Connie's on the pill."

Lapis, Jasper, and Peridot all nodded sagely.

Bismuth paused in her Lego construction. "The what?"

Lapis skipped over and bent down, whispering in Bismuth's ear. The smith's eyebrows rose prodigiously. "No!" she said eventually.

Lapis nodded, smirking, and sashayed back to her window seat.

Bismuth continued to stare into the middle distance. "But who would even..." she trailed off.

Peridot looked up from her work. "Citrine, to name the obvious example."

Bismuth stood up, Legos ignored, her gaze distant. "When you gals said Alloy had protection, I thought you meant that saber on her hip." She turned and walked toward the temple door.

Jasper looked up from her book. "Headed somewhere?"

"Just gonna go scream in some lava," answered Bismuth, dazed. "Back in a few hours."

Jasper gave an acknowledging nod and turned back to her book. "Did the same thing myself," she muttered.

The temple door whooshed shut. Peridot, meanwhile, put some component back in place and nodded as the kitchen appliance thrummed. Pausing to look up at Jasper she asked, "Wait, what? But you lack Bismuth's immunity to extreme heat."

Jasper glanced up just enough to give Peridot a look that said, 'And?' Wordlessly, she went back to her reading.

Chapter 53: Neimaat Visits Beach City - Draft Document

Chapter by br42, CoreyWW

Summary:

Neimaat, Steven's childhood friend, visits him in Beach City for the first time. Connie has mixed feelings.

Takes place between Ep18 (Citrine's Sanctuary) and Ep19 (Sworn to the Shield). This is the draft document for an unfinished but canon omake.

Notes:

Hi everyone, BR42 here. Hoo boy, this omake. So, once upon a time Citrusella wrote a fic with a wonderful character from Steven's past: Neimaat. And that part of Steven's backstory has effectively been canonized within Connie Swap, with Neimaat referenced in the fic proper now and again. Anyway, Ep18 ends with Jasper offering to train Steven and Steven having to postpone for a few days because he's got a friend from out of town visiting, and Ep19 picks up with the training following said visit.

This omake was meant to be the bridge between those two and it was time and more than time for Neimaat to get a proper debut in the fic. Citrusella gave their blessing and CoreyWW was willing to help me write it. So I wrote up a draft doc, hammered out an outline, the two of us brainstormed, and we even started writing a couple of scenes. And then... stuff came up. The omake got delayed and didn't make the deadline to go up before Ep19 started. And then it kept not getting finished and still more things came up and now it's five months after it was last updated so it's time to call this as a defunct omake.

Anyway, there's good stuff here and the event of Neimaat visiting for a long weekend in early June IS canon. This omake chapter is a reproduction of the draft document Corey and I were working off of that never really matured into a finished product. I think there's some good stuff here and wanted to share it with y'all, should anyone be interested in sifting through an unfinished work-in-progress, or be curious about how the sausage gets made.

Now, being that this isn't even a complete first draft, you should read what's here with a grain of salt. I expect the finished product would have been tweaked a fair bit so that certain things like, say, how jealous and unpleasant Connie gets over Neimaat's visit would have been refined a bit. Here Corey and I are throwing out ideas and having fun and some of that involves characters being sillier and/or more dramatic than they might have been in a finished work.

Anyway, I hope y'all find this interesting. Oh, and thanks to Citrusella for the original, wonderful omake from which Neimaat sprung. If you haven't read Self lately, consider checking it out.

Informal Summary

Neimaat comes to Beach City to visit her friend, Steven. There she gets to see just how much her pal has changed, she gets to meet this Connie she’s undoubtedly heard so much about, and she’ll get to see the weirdness that is Beach City.

Dates: June 9th - June 11th (starts a day after Ep18)

Themes/Story Beats

• Neimaat as the outsider. Beach City is weird and here is Steven and Connie’s chance to play tour guide to someone experiencing it all for the first time.
• Steven’s past. Steven and Neimaat knew one another in years past and here we get to show a little of the pre-Beach City Steven that Connie (and the audience) has never gotten to know.
• HoH/Deafness. Connie and Steven are both in some unusual places, hearing-wise, and Neimaat can act as an anchor to both of them, helping Steven realize some parts of his past aren’t gone just because his hearing has changed, as well as offering Connie a perspective/advice outside of Steven’s.
• Steven’s friend who is a girl. We’ve hinted before (or, in RetConnie’s case, outright shown) that Connie is a little insecure/threatened by Neimaat with relation to Steven. Neimaat is Steven’s age (actually a little older since she's 15 and he'll be 14 until August) and having an older girl present could add to Connie’s unease. This is a chance to play that up for both laughs and sincere character introspection.
• Teen antics! Banter, shenanigans, teasing, and probably a fair bit of junk food is to be had since we have a trio of teens hanging out.

Tentative Outline

1. Day 1 - Steven and Connie hanging out with Jeff and Peedee
   1. Connie is experiencing hearing aids for the first time, remark on that for audience’s sake
   2. Steven announces to them and the audience that Neimaat is arriving that day and a little about who she is
   3. Peedee reads the room and maybe says something portentous since Connie is looking a little antsy
   4. Fun ideas on what to do to show a new person around Beach City
   5. Steven gets a text: Neimaat is nearly to his house, Steven and Connie leave to meet her
2. Neimaat arrives
   1. Our first glimpse of Neimaat
      1. Dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes, hearing aid and cochlear implant, shirt with a french horn on it, and has a pendant with polished charoite
         1. Purple stone to accent her purple implant
   2. She and Steven hug and generally act really excited to see one another
   3. She greets Connie, remarks on her pretty necklace and how it’s changing colors
   4. Steven gives her a tour of his house
      1. Maybe work in the ‘Neimaat is sleeping here?!’ bit
3. Off to get the bits
   1. See Wolf as Dogbo roaming the boardwalk
      1. Neimaat’s first exposure to actual supernatural weirdness
   2. Meet Peedee getting the bits
      1. Have Ronaldo say something weird in the background?
   3. All three walk down to ‘Steven and Connie’s spot’ on the beach to share the bits and take in the view
      1. Connie can summon force fields for them to sit on
         1. Neimaat is excited and impressed
4. What to do next?
   1. Can’t go to the amusement park since Connie’s banned
   2. Go to the funland arcade
      1. Neimaat is unbeatable playing as Ice Bear in the Lonely Blade arcade game
      2. Onion is there with his gang (all wearing facial camo) playing games and pilfering stuff from under Mr. Smiley’s exhausted eye
5. Go to the Big Donut
   1. Just Sadie working there, Lapis and Peridot are there as well
      1. L and P are getting (sour) snacks for a walk/mini-date
         1. A reference to them slowly being a thing again post-Sanctuary
      2. Expose Neimaat to actual gems
         1. Peridot responds to Neimaat’s hearing aid and implant, as well as remarks on the stone in her necklace/pendant
         2. Lapis probably says something nice-but-snarky and gives Connie a non-verbal “Do you want me to ‘accidentally’ splash this girl?” offer
6. Back to Steven’s for games
   1. Connie has to go have dinner with her dad
   2. Leaves with Neimaat and Steven having fun
7. DAY 2 - Probably presented as a montage to keep the omake from getting too long.
   1. Jasper is hauling stuff up to the Sky Arena
      1. Background detail for upcoming episode
   2. Steven takes them by the docks and talks about the worm monster
   3. Go by car wash and Greg lets them play with the controls, a hose fight breaks out
      1. Connie has her hearing aids out (water) and Kevin shows up. He acts like Connie’s a moron because she makes him repeat himself when he asks a question. He also calls her ‘jewelry’ [gemstone] tacky.
         1. Steven is angry like Connie’s never seen but he’s not articulate at conveying that anger and Kevin puts him down
         2. Neimaat gives Kevin a thorough tongue lashing
            1. “Connie and I have this hardware to compensate for having poor hearing. So, Kevin, what’s that hardware compensating for?” [points to his expensive car, raises eyebrow]
               1. Neimaat's moment of awesome. Debut characters are generally entitled to one.
   4. Fish Stew take-out picnic at Lighthouse park
   5. Neimaat has Connie help her encourage Steven to perform on his ukulele
      1. Steven does, a little sheepishly. Connie and Neimaat both rise to congratulate Steven but Neimaat gets to him first, big excited hug
   6. “Go to amusement park without me. I have, uh, a training.”
      1. Connie flees, goes to Big Donut, has her talk with Lars
8. Day 3 - Climax and denouement
   1. All three playing at Steven’s house, Connie has her one-upmanship gaffe moment
   2. Maybe an intervening scene with Steven being confused or Connie feeling like a complete ass
   3. Neimaat finds her later, the two talk and reconcile a few things
      1. Some remark on how changed Steven is
      2. Don’t take crap from jerks like Kevin
   4. Neimaat has to go, had good time, gets picked up
   5. Not sure how to end this, exactly but I’m sure we’ll think of something

Snippets

Steven, Peedee, Jeff, and Connie Hanging Out - By CoreyWW

[Steven is talking about Neimaat and everything to Connie, Jeff, and Peedee. Connie is looking a little antsy]

“Boy, you must be excited,” Connie said with a laugh. “You sure are ... talking about her a lot.”

“Of course I am!” Steven said, practically bouncing. “All three of us together, it’s gonna be so great, I’m so hype. I’ve got tons of ideas of stuff to do. What do you think we should do first?”

Connie rested her face on her hand.

“I don’t know ...” she mumbled.

Peedee’s eyes went from Steven, to Connie, then back to Connie. Jeff bit his lip and cleared his throat.

“Hey um ... you know what’s a great topic? Something else!” Jeff said.

“Oh um ... Ronaldo was watching wrestling last night ...” Peedee said. “That’s something else.”

“It sure is!” Jeff said smacking the table with a nervous smile. “What happened?”

“Well, for one thing, they wanted you to pay ten dollars a month for an app a lot. After that--”

(at this point Steven gets a text on his phone, eventually Connie and he leave. After that, there’s this little scene between Peedee and Jeff)

“Should um ...” Jeff pointed after Connie and Steven. “Should we kinda ... do something about that? That seems like that’s going to turn into a whole ... you know, thing.”

“You know what? You’re probably right ... but us butting in would probably make it worse. Let’s just stay out of this one for now and hope it works out fine.”

“Y-yeah. You know what, you’re right. Let’s just hope it turns out fine.”

Peedee and Jeff lingered in their seats for another moment.

“... there’s no chance of this turning out fine, is there?” Jeff asked.

“Noooope.”

Off to the Fry Shop - By br42

The trio were making their way through Dewey park when Steven’s latest exuberant description of yet another Beach City resident that he hoped to introduce Neimaat to, Lars this time, came to a momentary end as the boy had to pause for breath.

Connie hadn’t been paying much attention, the sullen Big Donut employee being a subject of little interest to her, and had been instead stealing glances at Neimaat in profile. At first she’d thought her purple necklace and like-colored hearing aids looked kind of garish against the girl’s dark skin, but with the lavender t-shirt to compliment it, Connie had to admit it made for a confident, eye-catching outfit.

She spared a glance at her cream-colored top, teal shorts, and sneakers, feeling blandly dressed by comparison.

Neimaat, meanwhile, used Steven’s need for oxygen to raise a separate subject. “Hey Steven, remember Mae Cupp?”

Steven blinked. “You mean the girl who used to pick on us back in, like, third grade?”

Neimaat’s natural smile widened. “Yeah, with all the freckles. Last year she ended up moving into the same school district as me in Empire City, which, I mean, what are the odds?”

Steven whistled, a noise which sounded weirdly different through her hearing aids, and said, “Yeah, Empire’s huge.”

I’ve never been to Empire City, a corner of Connie couldn’t help but observe.

Neimaat nodded and made the knocking sign for ‘yeah.’ “She stopped me in the hall one day and apologized for being such an ass back in elementary school. She mentioned you too, by the way. That was pretty cool of her, I thought.”

Steven’s eyes had lit up, hands clutched to his chest. “That’s wonderful! Oh! Tell her I said ‘hi’ and ‘thanks’ and, oh, that it’s really great of her for growing as a person like that and that I hope she’s have a great time in Empire. What’s she like now? Are you two friends?”

Steven’s enthusiasm prompted a laugh from Neimaat, the girl brushing the side of her mouth with her index finger, thumb extended, to sign her amusement as well. “BB, not everyone is friends with everyone like you are. That was a good thing she did but we don’t, like, hang out or anything. I see her around sometimes but that’s it.” They were just about to Boardwalk Street when she added, “Though I’m much less likely to blast a tuba at her to make her fall out of her chair.”

Steven laughed. Connie thought she remembered Steven saying something about that back when they’d only had Jasper to look after them for nearly a week. What she said, though was, “‘BB?’”

Neimaat hooked an arm over Steven’s shoulder, “It means ‘brass buddy.’ Back when Mae Cupp was a major dink, I’d gotten into this,” and she gestured with her free hand at the silver French horn on her shirt, “and Steven was into the trumpet. It’s a nickname we had for each other that stuck, even if he doesn’t play trumpet anymore.”

Connie nodded, unable to think of anything to say in response.

“Oh, hey. There’s Dogbo!” said Steven, sliding Neimaat’s arm off so he could cup his hands to his mouth and shout, “Hey Wolf! Here boy!”

Sure enough, Wolf had been sniffing around the fry shop wearing the salvaged Frybo costume, altered just enough to fit the colossal canine. At Steven’s cry, Wolf perked up then ran at them, tongue lolling out of his mouth and bits of costume flapping in the breeze.

Neimaat’s eyes went wide and she fumbled in her pockets, withdrawing a tiny can of what Connie assumed was pepper spray.

Advancing a few steps, Connie placed her hand over the front of the canister and said, “Please don’t mace my dog. He’s perfectly safe so long as you don’t have pork in your pockets.”

The taller girl only stared at Connie for a second…

“Who’s a good boy?” asked Steven excitedly. Wolf barked and leaned into the battery of chin scratches. “Yes, you are, that’s who.” Steven paused, raising a hand from Wolf’s fur and sniffing it. “Ooh, you even smell like french fries! Best. Destiny animal. Ever!” pronounced the teen.

...before lowering the pepper spray. “Will do. So, um, why is your person-sized yellow pet wolf dressed like a cup of french fries?”

Connie smirked, perhaps because it was Neimaat instead of Connie who felt like the outsider. “He works part-time for the fry shop. We get to use his employee discount, by the way, so everything is half price.”

With that Connie joined Steven in giving Wolf pettings and praise, the hound practically vibrating with excitement.

Thirty seconds of gawking later, Neimaat pocketed her pepper spray and walked over, offering the outstretched back of her hand for Wolf to sniff. “Hi Wolf,” said the tall teen.

Wolf snuffled over the girl’s hand, up her arm, and when he reached her face he gave her a big lick from chin to forehead.

Author's Note: I didn't feel like doing the transition from that encounter to them meeting Peedee, getting the bits, and going to the beach. So I conjured up a bit of weak physical comedy and slapped a horizontal rule down instead. WRITING!

Buying the Bits, Going to the Beach - By br42

As soon as the trio approached the fry shop a thin arm thrust out of the ordering window holding a towel. "Thanks Peedee," said Steven as passed the rectangle of fabric to Neimaat, who used it to mop her face, neck, hands, as well as her necklace.

Wolf had been enthusiastic about the new guest.

"Sure, Steven. That happens often enough I keep a stack of them beside the register," answered Peedee, leaning with one elbow against his side of the ordering window.

Connie fidgeted. "If Wolf's being a problem-"

Peedee was quick to interject. "Naw, its fine. Dogbo is drumming up all kinds of business and, honestly, I think it's the kind of mild weirdness the tourists look forward to." The cashier drummed his fingers on the counter, adding, "I'm pretty sure Onion and his summer friends have been using Wolf licks as, like, a substitute for showering."

Neimaat finished her ablutions and she handed the towel to Peedee. "I think I'll stick with the regular kind of showers, personally. Hi, I'm Neimaat."

Peedee chucked the used towel somewhere into the recesses of the shop then accepted the girl's hand. "Peedee. Steven's been gabbing about you and your visit pretty nonstop lately. Lemme guess, you're here for the bits, right?"

Steven thrust his arms overhead and shouted, "The bits!" before coming over to pound on the customer side of the ordering counter, chanting, "The bits! The bits! The bits!"

Neimaat laughed then joined in. Peedee rolled his eyes and retreated to the fryer to fill the order.

Connie started to head over to join the chant but there wasn't room. She lingered awkwardly at the fringe instead.

Bits in hand, the trio bid farewell to Peedee and headed toward the beach, something Steven and Connie had done many dozens of times since their first meeting.

Connie and Steven watched attentively while they strolled as, with ceremonial pomp, Neimaat was offered her first handful of the bits.

Neimaat held the fry pieces up and waved them under her nose like a wine taster sampling a vintage's aroma. "I've been so hyped to try these." Looking at Connie, she said, "Steven's been waiting to drag me to that fry shop for months."

"Yeah, Steven took me to get the bits the day we met," said Connie with a chuckle that fell off her lips a second later. Seeing Neimaat standing beside Steven, savoring the bits as she had eight months ago left Connie feeling a little hollow.

Neimaat snacked. Steven waited with bated breath for her verdict. "I think..." she said.

"Yes?"

"I think..." Neimaat popped another couple bits in her mouth and smiled as Steven practically vibrated with anticipation. Swallowing she said, "I think they're great!" her hands making the sign for excitement.

"Yus! The bits win again!" exclaimed Steven with a fist pump.

As ever, Connie's mood couldn't help but be lifted by Steven's earnest antics. The bag o' bits was passed about and everyone was enjoying the salty, crunchy goodness by the time they reached their spot.

Steven swept an arm out like a maître d' showing them to their table. Neimaat looked at the blank stretch of sand and raised an eyebrow, hands signing her confusion.

Rather than explain, Steven shot Connie a wink and she felt a small flush of satisfaction. Trying and failing to conceal a grin, Connie willed a trio of horizontal force fields into place, the magical equivalent of a folding table with two benches for seats.

"Shit! She can really do magic?!"

Steven's grin became tinged with confusion. "Of course she can." A hand went up to adjust a hearing aid he no longer had. "I told you she could, right?"

Neimaat was prodding the topmost force field. "No, you did, but, I mean, you were convinced Jeremy Nguyen could really stick his finger in his ear and poke the inside of his mouth."

Steven chuckled, sliding down onto the 'bench' opposite Neimaat. "Hehe, yeah, but Connie and the Crystal Gems are real. Really real." Connie sat down next to him.

Neimaat sat down gingerly on the field, staring through the 'table' as she waved her hand underneath. "Yeah, she sure is. Connie, this is awesome."

Connie nudged the bag of bits over to a grateful Neimaat, a grin clear on her face. Okay, maybe this won't be so bad after all.

Author's Note: Wanted to temper the anxiety/jealousy with some genuine good times for Connie. Neimaat's cool.

Connie’s Fantasy Sequence - By CoreyWW

[Connie has to leave for the night while Neimaat and Steven continue to hang out. While she's away, Connie has an unpleasant vision of the future.]

“Wow Steven, you sure have grown up,” Neimaat said, inexplicably now wearing a more flattering outfit. “So have I, as you can see.”

“I sure can!” Steven said excited. “Would you like to go out for pizza and then go on the ferris wheel?”

Neimaat gave an infuriatingly, uncharacteristically bubbly laugh.

“Why I’d love to? What about your friend though?”

“Who?” Steven said. He glanced over to Connie. “Oh yeah, that.” Steven waved his hand dismissively. “Eh, she’s fine. We’ll be back later, Cathy. Don’t wait up.”

“It ... it’s Connie,” Connie said, her chest tearing in two.

“Oh yeah, sure, whatever,” Steven said as he linked arms with Neimaat and they skipped off.

Amusement Park? - By CoreyWW

Neimaat: "Why don't we check out that amusement park? That seems like a lot of fun."

Steven: "Oh um... Well, we can't do that. Connie's been banned"

Neimaat: "Oh..."

Connie: (hopefully) "B-but don't let us stop you. You can still check it out. Steven and I can just wait at Fish Stew Pizza-"

Neimaat: "Oh no, that's fine. It's not a huge deal. Amusement parks tend to be noisy and hard to deal with sometimes for me anyway. I do like pizza"

Steven: "YAY! LET'S ALL GO TOGETHER"

Neimaat: "Yeah!“

Connie: (feigning enthusiasm) "Yeeeeah."

Advice From Lars - By CoreyWW (smidgen by br42)

Connie: "SADIE... I NEED HELP" (internal: I need advice from a friend who will not make me feel like I'm irredeemable)

(Lars comes out)

Connie: "Oh... Where's Sadie?"

Lars: (bored, on phone) "Day off."

Connie:"Oh... Well, I kinda needed advice and wanted to talk to her... I... Guess I'll come back..."

Lars: "whatevs."

(Connie starts to walk away, then groans and turns around)

Connie:"Okay, so like, if a guy who is your friend starts hanging out with another girl who is his friend instead of you, wouldn't that make you upset?"

Lars: (looks up) "Huh?“

[Lars eventually gives Connie some biting but actually kind of helpful advice so that she'll go away]

Connie: "Thanks, Lars. That was... oddly helpful." [goes to leave, pauses at door] "How about this didn't happen?"

Lars: "All I remember is wishing you'd leave."

Connie and Steven's Argument - By CoreyWW

“Connie, what’s going on? You have to tell me!” Steven asked once he caught up.

“Nothing’s wrong!” Connie grumbled, trying to ignore the stinging in her eyes. “Just leave me alone. I’m sure Neimaat is getting lonely without you there!”

Steven blinked, his face turning to faintest shade of red.

“Okay, what is the deal with this? I thought we were having fun and then it seems like you turn around and act really mean to Neimaat for no reason!”

“Oh I’m sooooo glad you’re concerned about Neimaat, why do you automatically take her side?!” Connie said, seething with anger.

“Cause well ...” Steven stiffened. “Well, she’s not the one acting like a jerk.”

“Oh, I’m ... so I’m the jerk?!” Connie felt her hair fritz up.

“I didn’t ... call you a jerk,” Steven said, fumbling over his words. “Just that you were ... kinda ... acting like one ... a little.”

“Well, that’s just fine. You have someone to replace me so you don’t NEED to hang out with this jerk anymore.”

Steven closed his eyes and took a breath.

“Okay, Connie, remember how you wanted me to make sure you don’t do anything that might be evil? This is edging into one of those times.”

“OH GREAT, so you think I’m evil now?! That’s--” Connie clenched her fists. “You know what? If you think that, maybe you should just hang out with all your old, not-evil friends who you have all these good memories with because you sure don’t seem like you need me anymore.”

“I-- look, all I wanted was for all three of us to have fun and now it’s like you’re making me choose between you and one of my oldest friends? How is that fair?! I ...” Steven’s face turned redder. “Well ... if you really think that, maybe we ... should just take a break for a bit.”

Connie’s eyes went wide, disbelieving what Steven was saying. She felt anger bubble in her chest as she shouted.

“Fine!” Connie said.

“Fine!” Steven shouted back.

They both turned and walked in opposite directions.

“Fine!” Connie repeated.

“Fine!” Steven said.

“FINE!” Connie shouted louder as she walked away.

About a dozen or so steps later, when the anger bubbled down, the gravity of what had just happened sunk in. Connie turned around to look back, to ask Steven not to leave ...

But he was already out of sight.

Notes:

Should anyone feel so inclined, this would make a decent 'starter' omake to write at least a scene or two for. There's a 'paint by numbers' element since the outline is complete and snippets have already been written, which could give a new writer a framework to inhabit. I doubt Corey or I will be circling back to write this omake ourselves any time soon, so if someone else wanted to, I'd be pleased as heck to see it attempted. Do a good enough job and you could call a piece of Connie Swap canon your own!

Chapter 54: The Joy of Cooking for Humans

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Steven realizes how perplexed Bismuth is by human needs; namely, stuff like making food that tastes good. In the interest of being a good Destiny Partner, he tries to save Connie from eating burnt cooking the best way he knows how: filming a cooking show. Will it work? Find out here!

Notes:

Note from BR42: This fic is written by alexandritemoon, a fine fanfic writer and fan of Connie Swap who contacted us about this omake through the Connie Swap Discord. They don't currently have an AO3 account, which is why they aren't listed above as the author. Let me state for the record that this was alexandritemoon's creation, not mine. The most I did was some proofreading and editing.

That out of the way, you may notice that the events of this omake are referenced in Episode 25. Alexandritemoon wrote the initial draft of this delightful omake and shared it with me and then spent a while polishing it up. Between then and now I was writing Ep25 and the prank scene went in an impromptu direction that effectively embraced this fic as canon. Alexandritemoon was fine with the endorsement and so here we are. Consider this omake to be 90% canonical.

Steven ran up the steps leading up to the Beach House. Connie had been telling him about a fan theory for Dogcopter she had been puzzling over, and he had a new fact to add. He couldn't just text her, it had been too hard won, with visits to three different blogs and a chart.

"Connie! Connie! The rotation of Dogcopter's blade is the same rotation pattern we see on the city crest! Connie!" He threw open the door.and was greeted with a faceful of smoke and what smelled like burning strawberries.

Bismuth was standing at the stove next to a slightly despairing and now totally mortified Connie, a baking pan full of milk and a pile of burnt cereal and strawberries on the counter on a cutting board.

"Wow," he could only say.

"Hey, Meatball. I tried making Alloy here breakfast," said Bismuth by way of explanation. "Cereal with strawberries. Now I know you're not s'posed to try to weld the cereal to the strawberries and use the milk to set them."

"How did that even happen?" Steven asked. "I mean, why would you even try to weld strawberries to cereal?"

"Green didn't leave me the recipe, so I just did what was natural."

Connie still looked absolutely mortified as she began to scrape the completely burnt cereal into the trash. Bismuth was so oblivious to how badly she had messed this up, Steven thought. She was treating something no sane human being would do as a simple mistake. In fact, that seemed to be a thing with Gems. Like Jasper, who he remembered had broken the stove trying to make them dinner that one time.

And it was at this moment that Steven knew what he needed to do to be a good Destiny Partner.

---

“Welcome to the Joy of Cooking for Humans Show, with Steven, Connie, Bismuth, and Jasper!” The ditty that Steven had composed earlier played on a speaker in the corner as a sort of theme song.

The camera, operated by one of Peridot’s robonoids, panned up to reveal the four standing behind the kitchen counter in traditional cooking garb: white chef’s hats with their names written across the front in cursive and needlessly pristine white aprons. Bismuth’s chef hat was made out of freshly soldered aluminum with her name stamped on it in Gem lettering.

“Today,” Connie said authoritatively, “we will be making tacos. Jasper here will tell us about their rich history.”

I love tacos, mouthed a wide-eyed Steven to the camera as Connie began taking the ingredients out of the fridge. Bismuth stood by, looking on solemnly but eagerly.

After Connie had set the ingredients down into the mise en place, Jasper walked out of the frame to fetch some visual aids Connie had put together. She placed Connie’s poster on a small easel, being careful not to knock over the ingredients, draped the string of dried peppers over it for decoration, and stepped next to it.

“Tacos were first made in Aqua Mexico over two thousand years ago. The humans used ingredients from the surrounding area to nourish them, which included corn, peppers, and meat from livestock. Due to human resettlement the knowledge of how to make these tacos was transferred all over lands where humans live. Many humans like them, and that is why we are making them today.” She stepped back into her spot behind the counter, gazing on impassively.

“Thanks, Jasper,” Connie said, mildly impressed. “Now to begin, we will need the filling. Because Bismuth here-” she gestured to Bismuth, who inclined her head, smiling, “likes spicy foods, we have prepared two mixes of spices to treat the meat with.”

Steven scampered to the cupboard to grab the two mixes. One was a fairly regular spice rub in a Tupperware with a piece of tape on it reading Universe’s Epic Taco Mix. This was from his dad. The other was a plastic cylinder covered in taped warnings written in bright red Sharpie that read, among other things, BISMUTH’S TACO MIX. NOT FOR CONNIE!!! NOT FOR HUMANS!!! LAPIS, DO NOT TOUCH!!!!

“This is Steven’s dad’s taco mix,” said Connie, pointing to the regular Tupperware. “It contains a variety of powdered spices and herbs, including smoked paprika, oregano, and garlic. This-” she pointed to the cylinder, “is a special mix that Steven and I made with Peridot out of the spiciest peppers known to humankind.”

“We had to order ‘em off the Internet and dry and powder them ourselves, but hopefully it was worth it. We made something truly insane,” Steven said.

“Awwww, thanks, Alloy, Meatball. And tell Green I say thanks too. I mean, I can’t believe you all would go to all that trouble with peppers from across the planet just for me! Here’s hopin’ I can taste ‘em. What’s in it?”

Connie pulled a list out of her pocket and read it. “Ancho chiles, Trinidad scorpion peppers, ghost peppers, cinnamon, Carolina reaper peppers, nutmeg, habaneros, and a bit of cacao to give it some sweetness. That’s over 3 million Scoville.”

Bismuth frowned. “What’s a Scoville?”

“It’s a unit that measures how spicy something is,” Steven explained.

“Humans have that?” Bismuth said, amazed.

Jasper nodded solemnly.

“Can humans ingest it?” asked Bismuth.

Connie’s face darkened as she recalled Steven after he had tried the barest taste with the corner of his little finger. She had never seen him in so much agony, screaming unintelligibly while his right hand pumped frantically signing MILK.

“Sort of,” she resigned herself to replying.

“Anyway,” said Steven quickly, no doubt remembering the same incident, “in order to make tacos, you have to start with treating the meat with your spice mix, which we’ve already done! So we can get to the vegetables.”

Connie took several bell peppers out of the bag sitting on the table. “This presents an excellent opportunity for the viewers and for our two guests to learn about proper vegetable chopping technique. Now these bell peppers have already been washed and dried by me, so the first thing to do is get out your knife and hold it, like so.” She motioned for the robonoid to turn the camera, which it did. “Hold the flat side of the blade against your knuckles. Now hold the food while you chop with a bent claw, your knuckles tucked underneath, like this.”

Bismuth and Jasper followed her lead. Jasper was copying the hand motion with razor focus, while Bismuth had eschewed a knife altogether in favor of her own hand shapeshifted into a blade pitched at the same angle.

“Now use smooth, even strokes for uniform pieces of pepper.”

They did their best to copy her, although Jasper was going painfully slow trying to imitate the technique without crushing the counter and Bismuth was creating a little bit of a breeze with how fast her knife-hand was moving.

“Onions are next,” said Connie, reading from the list of steps taped behind the camera. “So you’ll want to do the same thing. It’s also important to peel the onions beforehand. Steven and I have done that already.”

“Oh!” Steven added. “Viewers at home may want to take breaks while chopping onions, since the fumes from the onions really irritate tear ducts.”

“Really?” intoned Bismuth. Jasper looked the onion sitting on her cutting board up and down in total dismay.

“Yep,” said Connie. She began chopping quickly to prove her point. “See? My eyes are watering right now.”

Jasper, her own eyes full of chagrin, looked the onion up and down again as if she were searching for sacs of poison or hidden spikes.

“Now I’ll chop the herbs,” said Steven. “You’ll need cilantro and garlic.”

The chopping continued silently for a few minutes, though Jasper did keep stealing disquieted glances at the onion on Connie’s cutting board.

“Now you’ll want to get out a sautée pan and put some vegetable oil in it,” said Connie, doing just that. “We start over medium-low heat. That’s just enough to brown the vegetables enough to make them tasty but not enough to burn them.”

“Burnt food is not very tasty,” Steven said, ostensibly speaking to the camera. “We pride ourselves on making tasty food here at the Joy of Cooking for Humans Show.”

“That’s right,” affirmed Bismuth with a smile.

Connie raised a knowing eyebrow. “So with your non-stick sautée pan, you’re going to want to use a spatula to push the vegetables around to ensure they don’t burn. While I’m doing that, Steven will get out the meat.”

Steven took two tubs of beef out of the refrigerator. There was a brief moment of panic as he forgot which was which, but he took a sniff and immediately recognized Bismuth’s spice mix. His eyes began to water more than Connie’s had when she chopped the onion. He methodically took his skillet, coated the bottom with vegetable oil, lit the burner, and poured the regularly-spicy beef into it. “We’ll want to do the same thing with the meat, except the heat should be medium-high. Again, stirring constantly is absolutely key so that the meat will be cooked through.”

Connie stood, Bismuth watching over her shoulder, sautéeing the vegetables like her dad had shown her. Bismuth seemed absolutely captivated. “Now they’re just all juicy and brown. The water in ‘em’s evaporated, but you don’t wanna burn ‘em, right, so they’re just gonna be… soft but still a little bit crunchy.”

“That’s the idea,” said Connie, her eyes bright. “It’s all about the way the food feels in your mouth as well as how it tastes.”

Meanwhile, Jasper got out her own skillet, which dwarfed Connie’s, and poured Bismuth’s meat into it. She was beginning to light the burner when she poured in some vegetable oil as an afterthought. Steven, eyes wide, showed her how to coat the pan with it, then went back to his own meat, stirring frantically so as not to burn it.

“Bismuth, you’re on garnish duty,” said Steven. “We’ve got avocados, cheese, some limes for flavor, and more cilantro.”

Bismuth took the mentioned ingredients out of the fridge, then asked Steven, “What do I do with these? They’re already cut.”

“You arrange them in bowls so we can decide how much we want.”

“Ohhhhhhh.”

After Steven had warmed the corn tortillas, everything fell into place quickly. Connie and Steven, proud if a little run ragged, sat at the table with their beef tacos. Jasper fetched drinks- Aqua Mexican soda was in order- and Bismuth stared quizzically at the piece of cloth that had been placed at her spot at the table.

“It’s a napkin,” said Connie. “For wiping your mouth when the food juices get on it.”

Bismuth shrugged. “Okay.”

Jasper pushed her chair back and sat down. “It’s customary to propose a toast after a meal has been cooked on a special day,” she said. “Frodo toasted his uncle’s birthday every year.”

Connie and Steven simply looked at each other.

“I want to toast to all the Crystal Gems, present and past,” said Jasper, raising her soda can. “To their good health.” The large gem even went so far as to raise the soda to her mouth, though she refused to actually take a drink.

“Hear, hear!” said Steven, drinking deep from the can of fizzy cola.

“Hear, hear,” echoed Connie faintly, a soft smile on her lips.

“Here, here,” said Bismuth. “We’re all four of us here. I don’t know why you feel the need to point it out.”

This prompted a giggle from Steven.

“Let’s eat!” said Connie.

They all took a first bite of their taco.

“Good,” said Steven.

“This is much better than I expected for the first time cooking like this,” said Connie. “Your dad has a good taco recipe, Steven.”

“Thank-”

“AIIIIIIIIIIIII!” Bismuth stood up abruptly, knocking her chair over, and started running helter-skelter around the Beach House to douse her mouth with something. “THIS IS TOO MANY SCOBLES! 3 MILLION SCOBLES IS TOO MANY SCOBLES!”

“Milk! You want milk!”

“LIKE FOR CEREAL?!”

Chapter 55: Life and Death and Love and Birth

Chapter by BinaryGeek, br42

Summary:

Connie and Steven have decided they want to start a family, and Connie is pregnant. They now have to break this news to their families and the gems, despite its potentially bittersweet implications.

Notes:

BR42 here. I was pretty blown away by this fic when BinaryGeek shared the draft with me. Rather than my usual pre-chapter hype, I think I'll keep this brief and let the omake speak for itself. I'm here only to say that this is BinaryGeek's omake, not my own. My involvement was largely limited to proofreading and editing.

Enjoy.

Life

Connie stared at the positive pregnancy test in her hand. It was surreal, seeing the positive result. For a few years she and Steven had been talking about having children, not seriously in the beginning, but over time that changed. Even more so than most things in her life, it was not simple.

When she was born, her mother had given her gem to Connie. Would Connie have to give hers to the baby? Would she, as her mother did before her, have to trade herself for the child?

It was all completely unknown - there was no precedent. Connie was truly one of a kind, no one had been half-gem before, let alone been a mother as one.

To begin with they had rejected the idea out of hand. Living in fear of that though, not having the lives they wanted, that didn’t sit well with either of them.

Steven weighed heavily on Connie’s mind. While he insisted he could never put her at risk for it (while at the same time, he also insisted that if Connie wanted to take that risk, he did too), being a father was something he could never truly give up on. After the wedding, they had thought about adopting for a long time, but eventually Connie had made a decision.

Her mother had worked so hard to ensure that Connie discovered who she was, what she was capable of, for herself. Citrine had made the gems promise not to tell Connie what powers she was likely to have in the fear that she would internalise those limits and make them fact. Giving birth to Connie was a power her mother had used at great cost, but birth was one power Connie also inherited from her human half. If she assumed the same limits...

Steven had been worried that Connie saw it as an obligation - her magical destiny to follow in her mother’s footsteps, but that wasn’t it. Connie knew she wanted this, and her mother was the source of confidence to commit to it.

Steven’s forehead pressed against her own as he smiled, a hand gently caressing her cheek as they both stared at the positive mark on the test. He had some tears in his eyes, and Connie knew even he wouldn’t be able to say if they were tears of joy or sadness. Connie knew it should be a bittersweet moment, but she surprised herself with her own resolve.

This was a good thing.

---

Connie and Steven sat on the beach, the wind blowing lazily, just enough to make the warm sun not feel too warm. Connie still threw up a field - feeling cool doesn’t stop you getting sunburnt.

“Who’s going to be the hardest?” Steven asked

“Your parents are going to be the easiest. Honestly, I don’t know for the rest,” Connie replied with a deep sigh. Her brows furrowed. “My Dad... I’m not sure if having been through losing my mom means he’ll understand it more or less.”

Connie took another slow breath. "Priyanka will probably give me a two-hour lecture on proper prenatal care and browbeat me if I don't have a pediatrician lined up. But other than that, she'll probably save her feelings for dad."

“And the gems? I’m really glad Lapis doesn’t do the whole ’mope in the ocean for months’ thing anymore,” Steven said. Connie understood why he would assume the blue gem would be the most upset and emotional, but again, she wasn’t sure.

“Jasper never understood my mother having me. She didn’t understand, but she did accept it. I don’t know how she’ll react when it is me deciding it. Peridot... she has spent my entire life making sure I’m safe...”

Connie heard a snort from Steven, and surprised, she turned to see him clearly attempting to hold in a laugh, a look in his eyes she knew too well.

“You could say, she’s been a... helicopter mom?” Steven said, a twinkle in his eyes as he cracked up at his own dumb joke.

Try as she might, Connie couldn’t stop herself from laughing.

“That’s the worst, you are the worst,” she said, still laughing, and batted his arm, playfully reprimanding him.

“Picked the wrong guy as father of your child then, huh?” Steven said, a sly smile on his face as he moved closer to her, gently guided her down until she was laying in the sand, and stole a long kiss from her.

“Steven!” Connie said, intending a stern rebuke for the very public display of affection, but hearing the word come out mildly instead. However, Steven still relented and rolled away to lie next to her, his smile unrelenting and infectious.

Death

Doug’s hand gripped Priyanka’s so tightly it hurt. He released it with an apologetic glance as he realised what he was doing.

"Dad, I know what this could mean," Connie began, desperate to assuage the pain she saw on her father’s face. "We spent a long time thinking about this, and it is what we want, whatever the outcome."

"I guessed. There is too much of your mother in you to back down from anything," Doug said, sadly but with a smile. "You are just so young still..." he said, trailing off by the end.

"I know I’ll always be your little girl, but I’m not that little anymore, Dad." Connie said. "If we keep putting it off... It will always be unknown. I want to have my own family, Dad. I only get as much of that as I’m willing to risk for it."

Priyanka looked to Doug, uncertain she understood the full implications. Doug had explained that Citrine had ‘given up her form’ to make Connie, and Priyanka had always interpreted that as equivalent to death during childbirth.

"How does a pregnancy and birth work for Connie?" she asked.

"I don’t know. I know what Mom did, but... I’m not Mom," Connie said before Doug could say anything. However, he nodded.

"Citrine had no idea at the time if it would work or what Connie would be,” he explained. “She didn’t know if Connie would even be half-gem, let alone what a half-gem having a child would mean."

"We were hoping you would be there when we break it to the gems," Steven said, with an apologetic smile.

---

Peridot’s looked through her own tears into Connie’s eyes and, unusually, she seemed to be finding it hard to choose her words.

"Connie. When your mother chose to have you, it was a decision I didn’t understand. She spent a lot of time giving me the relevant information and her thought process, but I could not replicate it."

The green gem paused for a second, again seeming to consider her words before speaking.

"Citrine was gone, and it seemed obvious that was a cost too high, no matter the outcome. I met you, in your juvenile form. You were clearly an inferior version of the gem we had lost. Then, I got to know you. Saw your gradual maturation, and here we are today. I understand now why Citrine would do it, and therefore why you would choose to do the same."

That was not the reaction Connie had been expecting from Peridot, and - by the look on the faces around her - she was not alone in her surprise.

"Years of treating her as if she was the most fragile thing on the planet, and now you don’t care if she does this?" Jasper said, disbelieving.

"If we lose you, I..." Peridot’s voice caught, and she looked almost surprised at her own inability to reproduce the words she intended to. "Your mother gave me a great gift; getting to raise you and know you was something she wanted for us. She would want it for you too, even if there was a severe risk involved in the endeavour." While saying this, Peridot’s hands were uncharacteristically working on each other - even though her limb enhancers were long gone, Peridot’s hands were usually doing something productive. Here, though, it was as though she were trying to physically hold herself back while at the same time pushing herself. “Jasper, we must respect Connie’s wishes as we respected Citrine’s.”

Jasper’s brow furrowed. She took Connie by the shoulders and looked directly into her eyes, as if searching them for an understanding she couldn’t find. “Are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do?” she asked simply.

Connie nodded, holding Jasper’s gaze, and Jasper sighed deeply. She didn’t say anything more.

Lapis just threw her arms around Connie. The blue gem, usually unable to avoid references or humour of some kind, just stated simply: "I don’t want to lose you, Con-Con." Her tears were already flowing freely, and Connie started welling up as well. She returned the hug earnestly, and she felt Peridot’s arm wrap around her as well, the other around Lapis as the technician joined from the side. Jasper’s large arms encircled them all. Connie couldn’t say how long they spent just holding each other, but by the time they moved apart, it was dark.

---

“Good pregnant or bad pregnant, I’m not really getting a read right now,” Greg said with a smile that was supportive, but with an underlying hopeful humour. Mary batted his arm, playfully reprimanding him for being so cavalier, but she waited for a response.

“Intentionally pregnant,” Connie said definitively, and Greg immediately pulled his son into a hug. Mary did the same to Connie, although it was clear she had not missed the implication of choosing a third answer to the question.

The Universes then swapped and Connie found herself embraced by a positively beaming Greg.

“Well, I think this is a moment for father-to-son fatherly advice,” Greg said smiling at Steven, although Connie was pretty sure that Mary was the one who had prompted it with a subtle look to Greg. Connie had ended up in a few ‘girls-only’ talks with Mary, and it looked like another one was on the cards.

Sure enough, they were soon finding their way to the office in the back of the Universe’s music shop.

Mary launched into the thick of it as Connie was sitting down “So first things first, if you need a human woman to talk to about pregnancy, I’m always here. Don’t hesitate to call or visit if there is anything you want to know about, or just get off your chest.”

“Thanks” Connie said “The human bit I’m actually looking forward to.”

Mary waited patiently for Connie to continue.

“I... well, you know my mother gave up her form when I was born, right?” Connie asked.

Understanding flew to Mrs. Universe’s eyes before turning into concern. “Will you?”

“That’s the question,” Connie answered, giving a little laugh before stifling it as she noticed the small shock from Steven’s mother - the gallows humour was a coping mechanism for Connie at this point, but just hearing this, it might seem overly morbid to Mary.

“We don’t know. My Mom couldn’t live without her gem - it was her. Now it’s a part of me, but not the whole of me. Maybe I’ll just have a normal human child, or they will grow their own gem. Even Peridot has no idea.”

Mrs. Universe looked uncomfortable, but visibly steeled herself and looked straight at Connie. “Connie, you know you always have a choice.”

“I know. I want this, even with the risks. We thought about this for a long time before trying,” Connie said, despite everything, blushing as she realised the implications of saying that she and Steven had been trying.

Stars, she’d spent literally the entire day walking around talking to everyone she cared most for about Steven and her... that thought was getting buried extremely deeply.

As she looked up, face burning, she was surprised to see Mrs. Universe looking at her with a very Steven facial expression.

“Oh my! They’ll look like Stevonnie ! They’ll be gorgeous !”

Connie couldn’t help but be infected with the smile as her conversations with Steven’s mother appeared to go full circle, and she was once again reminded how much of Steven’s personality could be found in his parents. She could practically see stars in Mary’s eyes.

---

Steven followed upstairs, into his father’s ‘Mellow Room’, taking a seat that sank more than he expected it to.

“So, kiddo, good pregnant or bad pregnant?” he asked again, this time with a straighter face.

“Yes?” said Steven, and they both gave a small laugh that didn’t last. The air sat a little heavily, and Greg reached back and hit play on a digital media player that was sat in a stack alongside much older audio equipment. He slowly dialed up the volume, and some electric guitar chords strummed slowly in the background as the song started up, soft enough to talk over easily.

Greg’s eyes narrowed, as if trying to remember something, then the vocals came in with “Lightning Crashes” and he instantly jumped to press the skip track button, laughing nervously. “Maybe something else.”

Steven’s mind was on other things, however.

“Connie... She really wants to do this,” he began, before quickly clarifying, “I do too! I just don’t want to risk losing her.”

Greg nodded sagely. “It’s not easy, the dad thing. Without your mom... I don’t know Steven, I can’t even imagine how hard that would be.” He looked down, before breathing out as though the idea was going with his breath. “I know I’d still love you - and her - with everything I am. Everyone risks losing the people they love all the time - it’s not the same, but something can always happen. Childbirth isn’t risk-free even for us humans, you know?”

Steven nodded, thankful for his dad’s words, but he didn’t know how to respond.

“Look, Steven, we thought we had it hard when we found out about your ears!” Greg said, and Steven’s hand still reached up to the place his hearing aids used to sit. “Whatever happens as a parent, you just have to keep going, try and do the best you can. Doug has been there, done that, and got the very depressing t-shirt. You know he wouldn’t trade Connie back, even if he could.”

“No one knows what will happen, so you can’t presume the worst, as long as you don’t ignore it either.” He sighed, and added with an apologetic tone, “I wish I could say it’ll all work out for sure, son.”

“No. Thanks Dad, I know that isn’t how it is. I love you,” Steven said.

“I love you too, even if you are going to make me into an old grandpa,” Greg replied, with a mock tone of scorn.

Steven laughed, and pulled himself into a straight stance, clipping to a salute. “Fatherly advice understood! Thank you, Dad!”

Greg returned the mock salute, and then clapped his son on the back as they walked out and headed back downstairs where the voices of his wife and daughter-in-law were audible already.

Love

After the announcement, Connie felt like she needed an appointment system. Her time was suddenly a precious commodity, with too many people eager to spend time with her. It was uncomfortably close to what Connie imagined being terminally ill might be like. It felt like a betrayal to everyone who cared about her to take time for herself. When she found herself sitting in the Temple, alone, it was peaceful. She sighed deeply, running her hands through her hair and relaxing in a moment with just her. Well, as ‘just her’ as she could be given the pregnancy. The baby was, however, very much a silent partner for the time being.

She opened her eyes to see Peridot turning to walk away. "Did you want something?" she asked, and Peridot looked apologetically back.

"It is fine. I can see you are tired and we have bothered you enough today. I was just coming over to see how you are, but I didn’t want to disturb you."

"I’d actually like to speak with you," Connie began, and Peridot looked a little concerned as she quickly moved to sit next to the young woman.

"It’s not something bad, it’s just... Thank you for understanding."

"You were an education for us, dear. I understand because raising you..." she trailed off, smiling a bittersweet smile. "When your mother left us, we all would have traded anything to stop it. I wouldn’t trade you though. I understand."

There was a pause as Peridot chose her next words carefully. "Gems aren’t meant to have daughters, but your mother did, and while you may not have gotten to know her as a mother..." Peridot began.

Connie finished for her. "Mom is... complicated. You might not be Mom, but you are my Mom in so many ways and I never really thanked you for that."

Peridot hugged Connie tightly, tears falling freely. "There is nothing I am more thankful for than the chance to have raised you and gotten to know you."

---

“Will she live at Steven’s?” Lapis asked

Connie honestly hadn’t really thought about it - she had been raised in the Temple, and it was her home. The reality was obvious though - Steven wouldn’t be comfortable moving into the Temple. There was too little privacy and not enough space for his things - he seemed to have inherited his father’s love of hoarding, to Connie’s slight annoyance. There was no way it would make sense for Steven not to live with the baby, and Connie didn’t want that for herself either.

“I think so, and I think I’ll have to move out, too.” Connie said with an apologetic look to the blue gem, choosing to ignore the potential that she wouldn’t be living anywhere.

“Wait, you still live here?” Lapis snarked, a hand lifted to her mouth in a mockery of shock, joining her wide open eyes in an exaggerated gasp. “I’m pretty sure that you haven’t spent a night here for a week,” she continued, deadpan.

“Well, with the news, Steven and I have just...” Connie tried to think up a new ending to her own sentence as she realised what she was about to imply (however accurately), but she already saw the wide grin forming on the blue face opposite her.

“Oh, with the news huh?” she said, reaching Cheshire-cat levels of smile, “My, my, Pinkie Pie! I clearly haven’t been giving him enough credit!”

Connie’s face filled with a deep blush. “Well at least we have the decency not to just use the Temple as some kind of... love shack!” she said, pointedly.

“Pfft, you have the wrong half of Hiddenite if you want shame,” the svelte gem said as she chuckled at ‘love shack’. “You’ve walked in on me and Dot enough times to know that she’s the one that blushes..”

Connie stood up, not wanting to delve any deeper on this particular subject. “I’m going to Steven’s.”

“Oh, I bet you are,” was the mirthful reply, and a shout of “Enjoy your own ‘love shack’!” followed her as she walked out of the Temple.

---

Peridot looked at the scans with increasing despair. No matter how she tried to interpret what she saw, it didn’t bode well.

"The gestating fetus does not appear to have a gem," she began, "She does, however, show the same uncharacteristic markers of being a gem-human hybrid as Connie, including what appears to be a deformation in the same location Connie has her gem."

"It is hard to say exactly what this means with regards to the girl's development and the birth process," Peridot continued, a statement that was technically true. The technician failed to mention that she had been hoping to see evidence of a new gem being formed for the child, which would have implied no need for Connie to sacrifice her own.

"Well, duh," Lapis said, with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and a laugh that rang a little hollow. "She’s a quarter gem, she’s not going to be just a boring normal human."

Peridot gave a small smile directed at the svelte gem as she silently thanked Lapis for the sincere effort to keep a positive spin.

Connie and Steven both looked up with stars in their eyes.

"The girl?" Connie asked, squeezing Steven’s hand tightly.

"Oh." Peridot said, "Yes, the fetus displays the XX chromosome pattern indicating it will be female. It is unclear if this is simply chance or if all half-gems would be female."

"We’re having a daughter !" Steven exclaimed, almost like he was trying on the word, seeing how it felt in his mouth.

---

"I know what growing up without Mom was like," Connie said seriously. "If there is any chance of that, if I can’t be there... I have to give her the things I wished I had."

“Mom didn’t want me to be limited by knowing what she was capable of, and maybe if I was more like a gem, it would make sense - a gem pops out of the ground knowing its capabilities and purpose. Humans don’t, I don’t. We learn by exploring ourselves and we naturally expect to grow and change. I don’t know many children who get told ’you can’t do that’ and just accept it and stop trying.”

“I want her to know who I am. Not just what people thought of me, or what my powers are, or... I don’t know,” Connie sighed.

Steven looked thoughtful before tentatively offering his suggestion: “Well, knowing people tends to mean doing things with them, talking with them. What about a video? You can talk to her, in a way. Dad has a camera. Well, quite a few, I think...”

Connie thought about it. It would be a start. She had really hoped when she found her mother’s room that she would find something like that. It was better than nothing, but you didn’t know someone by watching a video.

Steven seemed to pick up on her lack of enthusiasm before she had a chance to say anything. “What about things you do? Walking in your shoes would be a bit like doing things with you. Obviously she’ll read the Spirit Morph Saga , and you can make a reading list of other books, and we can pick out music you like, and games, and...” Steven’s tone got more excited as he got into the idea.

“I’d like her to speak Tamil as well as English,” Connie said, joining in as Steven began to run out of steam on different types of media.

“Ooh, and ASL! You can teach kids to sign before they can speak!” Steven said, excitedly. “Simple stuff, but then they can tell you what they want. Plus, it’s adorable - their little hands doing the signs!”

Connie had heard of that, and it did sound adorable. As with most things, a twang of regret shot through her as she considered she might never get to see it, but she pushed it aside.

---

Connie arrived at her Dad’s house, Steven at her side. They were going to have dinner. Since they had announced the baby, invitations had become almost daily events, and she suspected that Priyanka was the only thing stopping them from being more frequent than that. As Connie had grown up, her dad had clearly tried to treat her less like ‘his little girl.’ Since the announcement, there were a lot of hugs that lasted longer than normal, and a lot of old nicknames sneaking back. Connie didn’t mind, although it served as a constant reminder of the burden she was putting on her father.

It was always nice to spend time with him, though, and Connie relaxed into a comfortable evening chatting and eating.

When they were finished up, Connie couldn’t help but ask Priyanka for a recipe, and soon the latter was jotting down a version.

On the other side of the table, her father was rising. “It’s upstairs somewhere, let’s see if we can dig it out.” Steven followed him upstairs with a quick smile over to Connie and a short sign - “[photo album].” It looked like her baby pictures were coming out.

Priyanka finished up the recipe and handed over the small sheet of paper, densely packed with instructions, in handwriting far more legible than doctor stereotypes had led Connie to expect. Connie expected to follow the men up, but Priyanka gestured for her to wait.

“Connie, I wanted to talk with you a little about the baby. I know you grew up with both too few mothers and too many at the same time. I know I’m not going to be her grandmother, but I want to be in her life, whatever happens," Priyanka said, earnestly.

Connie paused for a second, surprised. “You will be her grandmother,” Connie began. “She’s going to grow up visiting you and Dad together. Even if I wanted her not to think of you like that - which I don’t - that is, I don’t have any problem with it, not that I don’t want her to think of you like that,” she finished, tripping over her words a little as she tried to explain.

Their relationship had never been simple. Particularly early on, Connie had been - as much as she hated to admit it - a stereotypical stepchild. She was pretty sure the words ‘you aren’t my real mom!’ had been uttered at some point. While that was all in the past, Priyanka had always been careful to ensure she didn’t come anywhere close to attempting to ‘replace’ Citrine for Connie.

“I know how happy you make Dad, and I never really disliked you. It was just... easy to think you were somehow taking some of Mom away from Dad and from me. I don’t think that now.”

Priyanka looked genuinely touched and moved to hug Connie, before faltering - clearly worried she was going to overstep the mark with the display of affection, but Connie stepped forward to accept the hug.

“It means a lot to me to have your approval,” Priyanka said with a sincere and serious tone as she broke the hug to move back. “We look forward to getting a chance to babysit the little Miss Universe-Maheswaran-”, Connie noticed the slight cringe as Priyanka said ’Universe’, ”-whenever you need it. Your Dad...” she trailed off and her eyes darted to the door quickly, as if checking Doug hadn’t snuck into the room somehow. “He wishes he had spent more time with you growing up. Spending time with you and her... he would like that a lot. I would too.”

Connie felt guilt twist in the bottom of her stomach. Priyanka hadn’t said it, but it was obvious her dad was regretting not spending more time with her as a potential time limit on doing so had suddenly appeared. She pushed the thought down, to join plenty of others in the pit of her stomach.

Connie felt saved as she heard her dad and Steven laughing, then re-evaluated as she realised the depth of her father's betrayal. Steven was carrying a box of photo albums, while her dad was already flipping through one - lifting and angling it towards Steven as they walked to show him a particular photo.

The box was dropped a short distance to the table, with a soft thud that confirmed Connie's fears about the number of photos about to be displayed. The album her dad was carrying was quickly abandoned to the table, as he started walking his fingers through the albums in the box. Quickly he found his target and lifted it out with a triumphant, "Here we are!"

"Peridot took me rather literally when I said I would like to see how Connie was growing," he explained. He moved around to bring them all on the same edge of the table, and placed the album in the centre where they all had a good view. His fingers gently brushed the edge of the picture, a conflicted smile as he looked down at the baby in the photo. He pulled back his hand and put it around Connie in a side-hug instead.

There were six photos across the two pages, neatly slotted into plastic pockets. Each showed an overhead view of a tiny Connie, in an equally tiny onesie, her gem peeking from the loose neckline. She was lying down on her back on a set of digital scales, with tape measures on both the horizontal and vertical axis, precisely positioned to begin at the same point.

Steven burst out laughing and Connie chuckled; glad that at least the joke was not entirely at her expense. Priyanka, looking a little unsure, took a quick glance at Connie as if asking for permission to laugh. Under the table, Connie took her hand and gave it a small squeeze. The squeeze was returned, and then Priyanka reached up to the box and flipped through a few before pulling an album from a later period, this time a collection of pictures displaying Doug beaming next to a similarly excited toddler-Connie at Funland, holding a stuffed toy almost as large its new owner.

By the time Connie and Steven were leaving, it was very late. The box was empty, its albums all open at different points, practically covering the table. As they crossed the threshold of the door, Connie turned.

"Are you free tomorrow? I was thinking it might be fun to go to Funland again," she asked her dad.

"It would be. Count me in," he replied gratefully, and with another quick hug, he let the young couple leave.

Birth

Connie’s pregnancy had not been easy - not just the whole ‘you might die during childbirth’ thing, but also the normal human process. Morning sickness had hit her hard, and her back had discovered new ways to ache seemingly every day. Most of all though, she could no longer go on missions, and she found her life suddenly missing a routine she had lived with since she’d been twelve. While she had plenty to fill the time - both preparing for living with the baby, and the potential the baby would be living without her - it still felt like she was missing something.

Time passed and suddenly it wasn’t long to go. There were four go-bags in different places, and it felt like everyone was just waiting for her to explode like a bomb.

Then, the due date had come and passed. A week later, and Connie found herself sitting in the Temple watching TV as Steven sat next to her, hand on her belly as though he could get early-notice from the baby. Peridot was scanning her yet again, the technician having wheeled out a device from her room.

“It appears the situation remains the same as it was yesterday,” The green gem said with a sigh.

Priyanka, who had been drafted in for a human medical opinion, looked concerned. “Normally, we would consider inducing at this point.”

Peridot wrung her hands and shook her head. “We don’t know the process for a half-gem. It could be that the baby’s gem needs longer to form. We should wait a little longer if we can.”

Steven looked over to Connie and said, “I guess it’s not today either.”

---

An hour later, Steven was calling his parents in a panic. “It’s today!” he practically shouted down the phone.

Priyanka was muttering to herself as she pulled items out of the go-bag. “All this waiting around, and then the baby decides she is in a hurry! I knew we should have just admitted Connie as soon as we passed the due date.”

---

Connie was laid on a number of clean towels on her bed. While she knew it would probably be safer to be in a hospital, she couldn’t help but feel comforted by being in the Temple. It was home.

Then, suddenly, Connie’s gem lit up, far brighter than it had ever done before. Connie’s body slowly started to become translucent - a shimmery ethereal state that was normally associated with her powers. Connie saw as an indistinct blob that could only be the baby moved upwards through her enlarged belly. Connie instinctively held out her arms and felt the weight slowly transfer, as the baby softly rose to rest in her mother’s arms. A stream of sparkling light extended from her gem to the dip in the baby’s chest where no gem sat, looking like a mystical replacement for the apparently absent umbilical cord. The light seemed to be flowing outwards from Connie, and as it did, her gem finally began to dim, and her body returned to its normal level of solidity and opaqueness.

Priyanka felt Doug’s hand clamp around hers, and knew why. The only person who was there when Connie was born had been the only source she had on what to expect from this moment - they had been expecting some combination of a human birth and the half-gem birth Citrine had given Connie. Doug had struggled to tell her - it was clearly one of the most intensely bittersweet moments of his life.

What was playing out in front of her matched his description all too closely. The baby’s chest began to glow on its own, as a tiny gem began to form in the dip, mirroring its mother.

Connie looked down into the face of the tiny girl in her arms, feeling Steven’s arms and face as he pressed up against her.

"Hello Nora," she said, leaning down to plant a kiss on the infant’s tiny forehead. As she leant over, her gem got closer to the one still forming and the flow seemed to get faster, until the facets of the new gem were clear and shining, glowing with the brightness that had previously glowed from Connie’s chest.

Connie suddenly felt so tired she could barely keep her eyes open, she tried to drink in even a little more of the beautiful face in front of her, and she felt Steven’s hands sit under her own, supporting them and, by extension, Nora as the strength left her. She couldn’t keep her eyes open any more, but as she felt her consciousness leave her, she heard a loud cry.

Her daughter’s.

It was all worth it.

---

Steven reached out and placed his hands under Connie’s as her eyes fluttered closed. His tears of joy were suddenly recast as he looked up pleadingly at Peridot.

The green gem scanned Connie, a heartbeat passing before her eyes started darting over results on a screen.

"She’s still with us," Peridot said softly, not trusting her own words and checking her readings.

Doug shifted Steven’s hands, moving Nora away from Connie’s gem, which he found was still there. He felt Priyanka’s hand squeeze his and he turned and pulled her into a deep kiss, jubilated.

"I thought I should get one in before you realise I’m a crusty old grandfather," he said with a smirk.

Priyanka laughed, and then allowed herself to breath out a deep sigh of relief. “Now that we know she’s alright, I’ll admit I’m a little jealous of that birth. Ethereal magic floating out of you sure beats the human version.”

Steven leaned down to kiss Connie’s sleeping face, feeling her light breaths against his own and just soaking in the relief of the moment. “I’m a dad,” he said to the first person in his sightline, Lapis.

“And not a widower, let’s not downplay that one,” the blue gem quipped, but her eyes were locked to the small baby as well. This didn’t stop a very large orange hand swatting her upside the back of the head. “Ow! What? Too soon?”

Jasper gently laid a hand on Connie’s head as she slept, and just said softly, “Good job, squirt.”

“I think that title has been usurped, OJ,” Lapis said, and Jasper nodded solemnly, as if committing the idea to memory. The blue gem burst out laughing again at the sincerity of the gesture, and Peridot - finally done with her scans and checks - allowed herself to relax, laughing as well.

Greg and Mary were crouching over the baby, eyes lit up, overjoyed at the little granddaughter in front of them.

“So Pinkie, is little Nora going to get a sister - or a brother? That would be interesting, can half-gems be male?” Lapis asked, to Steven’s evident embarrassment.

“The only way to know would be to perform experiments to test the theory. Five female children would give over a 97% confidence rating that it isn’t possible, given the average birth ratio for humans of 0.517 males to females,” Peridot weighed in.

“I’m going to veto that suggestion right now,” rose a voice from a very tired, but now awake Connie. The room exploded with congratulations, but Connie’s eyes remained fixed on the tiny form in her arms.

Epilogue

Peridot wheeled her scanning equipment back into her Temple room. A minute later she emerged, a print out in her hand.

“I’m afraid it’s unlikely we will know for some time if Nora has inherited powers, or to what extent. As far as I know, hers is the first gem not made in a Kindergarten. We had a similar lack of information with you.”

Connie sat with Nora against her chest, rocking her very slightly. There was a small hiccup and the quarter-gem squirmed a litte. Connie quickly reached and grabbed a small towel to place over her shoulder.

At that moment Steven pushed open the door to the Temple, and promptly fell straight to the floor with a thud.

“Steven! Are you OK?” Connie asked with concern.

“I will retrieve my scanning equipment again,” Peridot said, standing.

“I’m fine,” Steven reassured, holding up his hands as if to prove he wasn’t hiding an injury from them. “You should put up warning signs if you are going to leave up fields like that, though.”

Connie looked down to discover that she had somehow left a very small field, right down at floor level.

“I don’t know when I would have…” she began, before being interrupted.

There was a small ‘hic’, and the field vanished.

The sliding scale of human to gem in the room all stared at the source of the noise, sitting in Connie’s arms.

“That has to be a coincidence,” Connie said with disbelief, staring at the baby in her arms, who stared back at her with interest, arms reaching up.

There was another ‘hic’ and another tiny field appeared halfway between the two faces. Nora chuckled as she looked at her, now yellow-tinted, mother.

“Our daughter is an early achiever!” Steven proudly exclaimed, leaning down to kiss the little girl on the forehead, eliciting more giggles.

Chapter 56: Power Testing: Shapeshifting

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Peridot, Connie, and Steven are determined to figure out what Connie can, can't, and shouldn't do regarding her newfound shapeshifting power. Jasper, Lapis, and Bismuth are along to help out and watch the show.

Notes:

BR42 here. In the Amethyst minisode of Episode 24, Connie learned she could shapeshift... albeit in her own, unique way. And that's not the sort of thing that's just going to happen and then be left to the wayside. So here we are now to see what opportunities and limits this new power has for the eager gem hybrid. Get ready for some Steven squees and suggestive Lapis statements.

As with the previous two Power Testing omakes, I’ve attempted to include enough quips and comedic moments and character beats to make a dry chapter (hopefully) fun. This omake is 100% canonical. I hope you enjoy it.

Connie could shapeshift. While all the gems Connie knew could shapeshift, they had projected bodies made of hard light. Connie, having a body made out of people stuff, had never thought she could until Amethyst got her to try anyway. {Wait, who assisted in your initial shifting?}{STEVEN! Definitely Steven! He had some good ideas and he pointed out that I had kind of already shapeshifted back when I shrunk into a little girl on my birthday.}{Ah, very good. Thank you for your assistance, Steven.}{Hehe, yup, that was definitely me and no one else, Miss Peridot.}

The evening following Steven's birthday party Peridot announced her specialized scanning equipment had been completed and was ready to commence testing of this newest power. Which meant that Connie, Jasper, Lapis, Peridot, Steven, and a hastily-contacted Bismuth had assembled in the shadow of the temple to find out more.

Peridot brought more than a ton of equipment, seeming exceptionally determined to see this power thoroughly explored.

Jasper carried the equipment down to the testing area.

Steven brought the power diary, a case of gel pens with glitter ink, his laser pointer, a half-dozen tuna fish sandwiches, a thick stack of animal flash cards, and the first four books of the Animorphs series. {Also, that's a nice looking hair dealie, Meatball.}{Thanks Bismuth! It's this awesome scrunchie that Connie made me for my birthday and it's the best scrunchie ever and I love it!}{Well it's neat. Kind of reminds me of the stuff Kunzite used to like. She was really into eating, always asking the local humans about recipes and trying new ingredients. You two would probably get along if you met her.}{Oh, uh, yeah. I'm sure she'd enjoy eating me. MEETING me. Yeah, that.}

Lapis brought a big bag of animal crackers. The kind with frosting and sprinkles on them. Also catnip.

Bismuth brought herself, though she did offer to hammer out some of the dents Jasper had put in the equipment carrying them down.

Connie brought her gemstone and the grim resignation that videos of her as a cat would be up on TubeTube before the day was out.

---

Below are the distilled notes from the two days' exercises, compiled by Peridot and Connie, with additional observations from Steven, Lapis, Jasper, and Bismuth.

Test 1: Shapeshifting Trigger Alpha (What allows Connie to invoke the ability to shapeshift)
Connie was strapped into a panoply of scanning equipment. This included multiple sensors trained on her gemstone as well as a full cranial imaging suite strapped to her head. {Ma'am, a lot of this looks like actual hospital gear.}{It is, dear. Part of the delay in conducting this test was procuring the relevant terrestrial equipment.}{You didn't steal these from a hospital did you?!}{Of course not! Absconding with medical equipment from an active healthcare facility could endanger ailing humans. No, these were borrowed from a medical equipment warehouse, a holding place for devices that have yet to be purchased and shipped.}{MA'AM!}{What? I did say these were only being borrowed.}

Connie was then asked to describe (under watch from three video and audio recorders) her exact strategy for achieving a new form. The gist was of envisioning the animal in as exacting of detail as she could and then 'pushing' her body to move into said form. {I liked the part where Con-con said it was like a full-body barf.}{That makes sense. I mean, when I look at you, Raindrop, it makes me want to hurl.}{Oh, you're one to talk, Skittles. When humans invented the phrase 'rainbow yawn' they were clearly thinking of you.}

She was then asked to shapeshift into her form of choice, in this case a domesticated feline of the Scottish fold breed.

A brief recess had to be called while Peridot went over the data and Lapis, Bismuth, and Steven all fawned over cat-Connie, who was partially buried under all the scanning equipment that no longer fit her. {She's just so amazingly cute!}{She sure is, Pinkie Pie. Makes a cute cat too.}{Yeah... Wait, what?}{[cackles]}

Her gemstone demonstrated a discharge of energy which was in-line with what other gems show when undergoing a form change. The only difference was that it was a longer, slower expenditure of energy compared to that of full gems. {Miss Peridot?}{Steven, you don't need to raise your hand.}{Oh, okay. I just thought, that's probably because Connie has all of that, uh, people stuff to move around. That's got to be heavier than light.}{That is a... reasonable interpretation. Thank you for your insight.}{You're welcome!}

The data indicated a large amount of activity in Connie's ventromedial prefrontal cortex and occipital lobe. The former is associated with decision-making and planning while the latter is tied to both vision and visualization. {The squirt thought about what she wanted to be and tried to be it. Simple enough.}{Jasper, I assure you the subtleties at play here are-}{[leaves to pet cat-Connie]}

The scheduled test, Shapeshifting Trigger Beta, had to be postponed for...

---

Test 2: Shapeshifting Reversal Alpha (What is needed for Connie to return to her default form)
Connie attempted several times to revert to her baseline form but seemed unable to initiate the change unilaterally. Why this is the case is not presently known.

The Steven explained that during her initial shapeshifting episode, Connie remained 'stuck' in her feline form until he 'annoyed her out of it.' Connie, unable to vocalize words, confirmed this by nodding with her {Cute little} ears flat against her skull.

When asked to elaborate, he said that he had to rub her against the grain of her fur, play with her paws in a manner his own domesticated cat finds irksome, and get her wet.

This line of inquiry was then interrupted by Lapis literally falling over from laughter. {I'm sorry, but- but- [snerk] Stevie literally had to use his hands and get her wet to- Ow! Owowowowow! Dot, you're gonna poof that ear if you keep yanking on it!}{Lapis, this is neither the time nor place and anything further I need to say on that matter will be conveyed via blaster. Is that clear?}{Crystal. [rubs ear] So, Pinkie, you said you had to do some heavy petting with Connie to help her out?}{Yeah, I did. I didn't like being that rough with her, but it's what she needed to finish cha-}

Cat-Connie, who had been meowing frantically, managed to change back to human form and tackle Steven, ending the exchange. {Hey, Con-con. Save it for the wedding n-}{[sound of blaster charging]}

It was also determined that, in addition to physical annoyances, verbal or emotional annoyances were sufficient to facilitate Connie's reversion to her baseline form.

---

Test 3: Shapeshifting Trigger Beta
Connie was once more placed in the suite of sensor equipment and asked to undergo the transformation a few more times so that a large body of data could be gathered.

Test 16: Shapeshifting Trigger Omicron
Jasper, at Connie's request, was poised to smash such equipment not currently on loan from human manufacturers unless this line of testing was terminated. {Seriously, ma'am, how many times do you need me to change into a cat?!}{As many as it takes for me to understand for myself how to- Erm, that is, the exact mechanics of shapeshifting are of great academic interest.}{To who?! It's just the six of us, unless you think Garnet is itching to find out.}{...We can desist with this line of testing.}

---

Test 17: Shapeshifting Range and Physiology Alpha (What can Connie shapeshift into and what is that form like)
During Connie's, ahem, numerous periods in feline form, a thorough scan of her physiology was made. With the exception of her brain, which was largely unchanged save that it was scaled down to size, she was very nearly identical to the baseline cat, one 'Lion', who was scanned previously. {Sorry about the scratches, miss Peridot. Lion can get a little cranky when he's woken up.}{It's quite alright Steven. I suffered no meaningful injury.}{Plus, she's used to it from Lapis.}{[Jasper proceeded to receive a high five from Bismuth]}

In contrast, a gem in a... erm, similar form- {Hey! I told you guys, turning into something with four legs was tricky!}{Don't sweat it, Raindrop. My opinion of you isn't any lower.}{I see what you did there, BM.}{[ear-to-ear grin]} -scans like a hard light projection that only matches the form superficially.

In other words, Connie effectively becomes a cat, or an extremely close approximation of one, while a conventional gem only looks the part. {And even then-}{Can it, Skittles!}

This time Connie was asked to become another animal she was familiar with: a domesticated canine.

After two false starts Connie was able to attain the form of a short-haired breed of dog called a beagle. {OH MY GOSH! PUPPY-CONNIE IS CUTE TOO!}

A scan confirmed that her physiology was within two standard deviations of the norm for the animal in question, brain notwithstanding. {She's also a good girl, yes you are, yes you are.}{I will admit, rubbing her stomach is oddly satisfying.}{Careful, Dot. Wolf sees you giving another pup belly rubs and you might be in trouble.}

Helping Connie revert involved a ball being pantomimed as thrown while actually being kept in the palm, as well as the running of a vacuum cleaner.

Test 18: Shapeshifting Range and Physiology Beta
Connie was asked to perform a conventional shapeshifting technique, specifically extending or reshaping a limb.

These attempts were unsuccessful.

When asked to try becoming a cat with a larger body or longer tail than normal, she failed to change shape at all until she became a larger breed of cat, a Turkish van. While possessing a larger body and longer tail than that of her Scottish fold form, the proportions were normal for this second breed of cat.

As such it appears that Connie's shapeshifting must either be used for a form as it is generally understood to be, or not at all.

Test 19: Shapeshifting Range and Physiology Gamma
Connie shapeshifted into a feline and then was instructed to attempt to shapeshift into her canine directly. She was then woken up from the nap she'd fallen into in a sunbeam and the instructions were repeated.

The efforts were unsuccessful. It would appear that Connie is unable to shift directly from one form to another, requiring her human form as an intermediary.

Test 20: Shapeshifting Range and Physiology Delta
Requests that she attempt to shapeshift into a younger or older version of herself, or of another human, like the Steven, were all met with blanket refusals. {Some things are better left to the imagination, Dot.}{Pardon?}{Ah, nevermind.}

Test 21: Shapeshifting Range and Physiology Epsilon
Connie was asked to become another animal of a radically different taxonomic classification: a Suriname toad. She confessed she wasn't familiar with the animal in question and seemed even more reluctant after being shown a picture.

All shapeshifting attempts failed.

Choosing a less... aesthetically-controversial form, Connie was asked to assume the form of an ostrich, something which both Connie and the Steven seemed particularly excited about. {Lord Stefan will ride! To Funland my feathery steed!}

However, all shapeshifting attempts failed as well. Connie claimed she just didn't understand how an ostrich was built, not to the same degree as a cat or dog. {The beak alone is, uh, pretty confusing, ma'am.}

After several more unsuccessful efforts across a range of sizes and animal classifications, Connie was able to assume the form of a hamster. When she was eventually able to revert to normal she said the extensive educational module we had done covering rodent physiology and, erm, epidemiology following her request for a pet hamster was what made the difference. {You really studied plagues when you were six, Connie?}{[crosses arms, looks at Peridot] Yyyup. It clearly stuck with me.}{Erm. Let us proceed with some other tests, shall we?}

Conclusion: Connie requires a clear understanding of the relevant anatomy and physiology to assume a shape. This is perhaps an instinctive safety measure so that her reconfigured internals are of an arrangement guaranteed to function. After all, unlike gems, she is dependent on more of her form than just the exterior.

---

Test 22: Shapeshifting Duration and Frequency (How long can Connie hold a form)
This test and all subsequent ones were postponed for the following day. After returning from her hamster form, Connie was complaining of discomfort, muscular exhaustion, and mental fatigue. However often she is able to change forms, it is recommended that she keep the number of changes made low.

Upon reconvening, Connie, Jasper, Bismuth, and Lapis were all asked to assume the form of a domesticated feline. {I don't believe any breed of cat has eight-inch, razor-sharp claws, Bismuth.}{Well they should.}{BM's right. After all, it'd certainly liven up cat shows and TubeTube videos.}

After twenty minutes Bismuth found the form difficult to maintain and reverted. {Maybe that's why they don't have the claws.}

After a total of fifty minutes Lapis had to revert as well. {Welp, time to drown out the shame of my defeat with food. Hey Pinkie, pass me one of those tuna fish sandwiches.}{[Cat-Connie became quite... excitable at this point.]}{Nope, you've got to focus on keeping that form going, Cat-con. Ya know, for science. [eats sandwich]}{Hiss!}

After a total of seventy-five minutes Jasper had to revert, the gem looking visibly distressed. {[disapproving grunt]}{It's okay, OJ, now you can have a sandwich of your own. No? Well, more for me.}{Rrow! Hiss!}{[muffled chuckles]}

After one hundred and twenty total minutes with no sign of distress from Connie, the Steven mentioned that she spent roughly two-and-a-half hours in cat form her original time but 'was really sore afterwards.' This prompted a unilateral attempt to terminate the continued shapeshifting effort. {You tractor beamed me into a bucket of water!}{Yes but-}{A bucket of ICE water!}{My sincerest apologies dear, but I was very concerned about your well-being.}{Actually Connie, I was reading some of these Animorphs books that Peedee loaned me, and in there bad stuff happens if you stay in the same form for more than a couple hours.}{Fine but... ice water?}

Conclusion: Connie's forms have a kind of inertia to them that keep her from having to actively maintain them. She also appears to have a superior tolerance for post-shifting backlash, though she is not immune and should exercise caution. {[toweling off] Understood, ma'am.} Holding a form for longer than two hours is strongly discouraged.

---

Test 23: Shapeshifting Recreation Alpha
Connie, after a suitable break, once more became a Scottish fold cat. {EEE! CUUUTE!} The remainder of the tuna fish sandwiches were yielded to Connie, followed by a round of tummy rubs. Subsequent employment of laser pointers and the very ill-advised use of catnip {Hehe. Cat-con went nuts-nuts.} made for a very, erm, high-spirited end to Day 2 of testing.

{Hey, Dot, you've got some pictures of Stevie rubbing Cat-con's tummy, right?} {I do. I made a point of gathering full-spectrum data from as many sources as possible for the entirety of these batteries of tests. Why?} {Because that's going to be the joke that never gets old in, oh, give 'em a couple years, tops.} {I don't follow.} {Don't worry, I'll tell you about it when you're older.}

Notes:

To elaborate a little on the conclusions from the omake above, the idea is that we get to see one of those big differences in personality between CS!Connie and canon!Steven, here played out with tangible results.

The Steven from the show is a freewheeling and excited boy who conceives of his shapeshifting as operating on cartoon logic. He can turn his fingers into miniature cats and they can do cat stuff like meow and eat and purr and be independently-minded because those are all things cats do, despite that seemingly requiring a brain and digestive system and lungs, etc. etc. That means he can just do stuff like stretch and make autonomous appendages because why wouldn't he be able to? But it also means he's susceptible to his power running away from him to body horror extremes.

The Connie of Connie Swap, meanwhile, thought of shapeshifting as something that was grounded in anatomy and physiology, a discrete change from one thing to another thing that runs bone deep, reliant on one's clarity of understanding those changes (at least, as a precocious 13-year-old understands them). This limits her quite a bit as far as what she can do on the fly, but it gives her depth of experience (e.g. full cat senses instead of just superficial cat features) and means she is safe from her power running amok.

Connie is not a better shapeshifter than canon!Steven, or worse, but rather the two came at it with very different expectations and those expectations have defined how their powers operate. That it's a conceptual limitation means that, to a degree at least (and the jury is out on whether it was insight or luck), Citrine was right about not prejudicing Connie on what her powers could/should be.

Chapter 57: Exploration

Chapter by BinaryGeek, br42

Summary:

Mary tries to walk the fine line of respecting her son’s privacy, and making sure he and Connie are being sensible, especially when it comes to magic and fusion but also more human pastimes.

Notes:

BR42 here. BinaryGeek (author of the superb omake Life and Death and Love and Birth) is back with another offering. This one is a much shorter emotional roller coaster than the last but it's plenty entertaining in its own right.

Per BinaryGeek's request, I'm the one posting this omake to the collection, which has the side effect of listing me as a co-author. However, this is entirely BinaryGeek's creation, with my involvement limited to proofreading and editing.

Enjoy.

Mary needed to go upstairs to do something that was specifically not checking in on her son and his apparently-not-girlfriend. She trusted her son, and Connie seemed like she was smart and sensible, but even very well behaved teenagers are still teenagers.

Normally the pair were constantly making some kind of noise, but right now they were oddly quiet. She just had to walk by Steven’s room to get something , and would happen to look in as she passed.

The door was open, which was a good sign, but the room was empty. That was when she heard it from her left, the older feminine voice that wasn’t Connie’s. Their fusion. From the bathroom.

Mary cringed as she heard it. She didn't want to snoop on Steven and Connie doing anything intimate. Even if fusion apprently wasn’t sexual, it was clearly a personal experience between the two of them.

A personal experience they were having in the bathroom right now. Mary remembered being a teenager. They were very good at making things that weren’t inherently sexual into things that were.

“Of course I have, just... it’s different,” they said - the voice uncertain, scared?

“Don’t worry - if anything went wrong I can always lick it,” the voice continued, then laughed at themselves. “Well, reaching might be difficult depending on where we are talking about - my tongue isn’t that long.”

“And it won’t hurt,” they said, half statement, half question. “It might if it was dry, but wet it’s fine,” they replied to themselves.

After a pause, they continued, “It's just gentle pressure, short strokes. Slowly,” they spoke rhythmically, tutorialising.

Mary started to feel extremely uncomfortable. Clearly there was some level of exploration going on, and while that may warrant some worry, she wasn’t about to barge in in the middle of… whatever they were up to exactly.

Then, a sharp yelp, and “Ow! Ah, blood!” from inside.

Mary didn’t want to interfere, but if they weren’t being safe, that was a line she had to cross. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door.

To Mary’s surprise, the door opened straight away, and standing in front of her was the person she had seen before - the fusion. Their face was covered in shaving cream, holding a double-edge razor in one hand. A short line of red was drawn across one cheek, slowly diffusing into the white lather around it.

It was a very odd experience - last time the fusion had - quite literally - popped out of existence very quickly. Stood there in front of them, Mary saw the aspects of her son, but also the aspects of Connie, all jumbled together in this older form.

“Uh, Hi…” - they paused for a second as they considered the next word - ”Mom?”

Mary internally scolded herself for assuming things. Recovering quickly, she threw out a motherly smile, “Sorry, I just wanted to ask if Connie was planning on eating with us tonight? One way or another...” She trailed off, uncertain.

“Oh, yes, she will.” They said back with a smile, before clarifying: “Independently.”

“Right. Good. Uh, Your father has an alum block in the cupboard,” Mary said, pointing to clarify which one she meant.

“Thanks,” was the response, and they turned and crouched to take a look. Mary took this as her cue to head back downstairs.

Chapter 58: Twinkle, Twinkle

Chapter by br42

Summary:

During a relaxed evening of stargazing, Steven asks the gems where they're all from.

It had been a hot day in Beach City but it was now, out on the Beach House patio, a pleasant night. Between the steady ocean breeze and the planks of the flooring, still warm from soaking up the sunlight, it made for a comfortable time for lazing outside, listening to the gentle susurrus of the surf, and staring up at the stars.

Connie and Steven were the first to head outside, the two taking their dinners out to the patio table for a companionable meal under the falling dusk. Then Bismuth had joined them, leaning on the railing not far from the pair. Lapis had landed beside the smith a few minutes later, home from 'a little hydrokinet-flix and chill,' and was sitting on top of the railing with her feet dangling over the sides. Jasper came up the steps, back from patrol, and stood at a parade rest a few paces to Bismuth's left. Eventually Peridot stepped out, done with the post-dinner washing up, and found a spot near Lapis to loiter... or, perhaps so she could catch Lapis with a tractor beam if/when Bismuth shoved her off the railing as part of the pair's usual antics.

Everyone stared up at the stars, a feeling of contented contemplativeness descending over the group.

Steven was the one to break the silence following a sharp inhalation of breath. "Oh my gosh! So I was just thinking about how Peter Pan was like, 'with pixie dust and happy thoughts you can fly to Neverland: second star on the right and straight on 'til morning' and I realized that some of those stars are probably home for you guys like it was for Peter and the Lost Boys!"

Peridot looked slightly annoyed. "Those are extremely unhelpful directions for interstellar navigation."

"If it's their home, how were they lost?" asked Bismuth.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure they were all originally orphans from London," answered Connie. "Only Tinker Bell was originally from Neverland."

"Do we have any of this pixie dust?" asked Jasper. "I'd like to fly."

Lapis looked unimpressed. "Meh, Neverland's overrated. Never getting old isn't much of a perk, really."

"What I mean," said Steven after the peanut gallery comments settled down, "was, uh, where is everyone from?"

"Oh. That was a rather circuitous way of asking the question, but very well, inquiry accepted," said Peridot. "I emerged from Homeworld's Epsilon Kindergarten. Which, given the number of Kindergartens on Homeworld, is actually fairly prestigious," preened the gem.

"Psh," scoffed Lapis. "I'm from Prime's Prime Kindergarten, real estate so premium, it has the word 'prime' in it twice."

"Prime?" asked Steven.

"The heavenly body responsible for this heavenly body," quipped Lapis, gesturing at herself.

"The first off-world colony formed by gemkind," explained Peridot. "Lapis has been extant for a long time."

"Wow, I didn't realize it all went wrong that long ago," said Bismuth, her smirk audible.

Lapis blew a raspberry in retort.

Jasper walked casually over towards the others, saying as she did, "Earth's Beta Kindergarten." She did not elaborate.

Connie gave a cheeky smile and said, "Well, you know where I'm from, Steven."

"Yeah Citrine's-" Lapis' remark was cut short when Jasper, now conveniently within reach, cuffed the side of the blue gem's head. She was about to snap at Jasper but was interrupted when she nearly slipped off the railing, flailing her arms a little to maintain balance.

Jasper walked casually back to her former spot.

"What about you, Bismuth?" asked Connie.

"Me? Actually, you can see my system from here," answered the smith.

Steven sat up. "Really?"

"Sure. Right there, Meatball," and a thick, grey finger pointed up at a spot in the canvas of stars overhead.

Peridot followed the finger and squawked, "WHAT?!" alarmed for some reason.

Bismuth acted as though she hadn't heard the technician. "Yeah, it's the brightest star in the Earth sky-"

"No! I refuse to believe this is factual!" protested the green gem.

Bismuth, grinning, continued, "-though it's actually a binary star system-"

"That's it! I'll have no part of this!" Peridot threw her limb enhancers in the air and stalked off, the screen door to the Beach House slamming shut a moment later.

Connie squinted at the stars and then gasped. "That means you're-"

From somewhere in her apron, Bismuth pulled out a pair of sunglasses and slipped them on. "I'm Sirius Bismuth."

There was a distant cry of frustration from within the recesses of the Beach House.

Lapis shook her head. "You're such a dork, BM."

Bismuth shoved her off the railing, the blue gem giving a startled "GAH!" before thudding into the sand below, too surprised to summon her wings in time.

Notes:

I realized this pun over lunch one day and had a very undignified giggling fit in the restaurant. I hope you enjoyed the pun, inasmuch as puns are enjoyed, and felt it was worth the walk to get there.

Chapter 59: My Own Worst Enemy

Chapter by br42, Cyberwraith9

Summary:

Connie is looking forward to a week all to herself, but finds herself stuck with a whole lot of Lapis instead! And when Beach City starts feeling especially blue, it's going to take a lot of patience and even more luck to survive the flood.

Notes:

BR42's Note:
Firstly, this omake is written by Cyberwraith9. Not me. The most I did was answer some questions of C9's and a do little editing after the draft was complete. This is the third in a sequence of omakes C9 has written, with one centered on Jasper (and Connie) and another centered on Peridot (and Connie). I highly recommend you check 'em out because they're wonderful and, in the former's case, influential in Connie Swap proper.

Secondly, I want to emphatically recommend C9's own fic, The Stranger In Me. Here's the summary, but imagine me whispering in the background 'read-it-read-it-read-it-read-it' as you look it over:

An accident bonds Connie to a strange new entity, one who might not have her best interests at heart. With the threat of a mysterious invasion on the horizon, she and the Crystal Gems will have to look for answers and keep the peace as potential disaster arises from within one of their own.

If you've already read TSiM, good for you. And even gooder for you is the fact that C9's sequel fic, The Stranger I Am, has gone up this very week! I won't post the summary since it'd constitute a spoiler for the folks still reading TSiM, but I will spoil how excited I am for it, which is very!

Cyberwraith9's Note:
After I’d written my first Omake, I planned on writing one for each of the core Gems. The Lapis Omake was last and took the longest to write because she’s the Gem I understand the least. This story owes a huge debt to BR42 for giving me the insight I needed to even attempt the character. I hope I did her justice. And I hope you like what’s to come!

As the haptic alarm buzzed underneath her pillow, Connie drifted back to wakefulness. Even before she opened her eyes, she felt a smile waiting on her lips, half-smothered in the clean linen of her pillowcase. Excitement tingled in her from her scalp all the way to her wriggling toes. Today was the day. Today was the start of her week, and the week was all about her.

Bismuth’s handy formula for Unobtanium had inspired Peridot to dig up one of her old dreams: building new sensor towers in Sub-Arctica, perhaps the biggest blind spot in the Crystal Gems’ detection network. There were precious few surviving warp pads in the area, which made early detection of a threat paramount if they were to have time to do anything about it. And with enough Unobtanium, Peridot’s designs could weather even the harsh tundra and its months-long winters.

But wouldn’t you know it, on the week Peridot had scheduled for the project, Doug had a security conference in San Fransokyo, and the Universes were up in Empire City for a music charity festival, Big Hair Rock Care. Nobody would be around to watch Connie for the six days it would take to construct the network in its entirety. And traveling back and forth by warp pad to keep Connie supervised instead of simply committing to the project all at once would triple the construction time.

Peridot had been nigh-hysterical at the scheduling disaster. Weather patterns favored construction in that brief window, and the risk to exposure for Connie was already bad enough at each site when it wasn’t blizzarding. Getting Connie to San Fransokyo or Empire City presented alternative logistical nightmares. What was a Gem to do?

But if Peridot had been upset by the confluence of inconveniences, she went apoplectic when Connie had innocently, offhandedly, quite reasonably suggested that she could just spend the week at home alone.

Connie stretched beneath her covers, her eyes still closed as she arched back against her mattress and savored the moment. Sure, part of her felt a little lonely at the idea of being on her own. But this wasn’t Abandoned-After-New-Years lonely, or Abandoned-By-Stranded-Gems-On-Her-Birthday lonely. It was a good kind of lonely, a finite kind of lonely that meant she was grown up enough to be trusted. And best of all, it meant that she got to be completely in charge of herself, and that the other Gems could entrust her with the safety of Beach City. Anything she wanted to do, she could do. And any renegade corruptions that came looking for trouble would find Connie ready and able to handle them.

Enraptured with her own independence and maturity, Connie opened her eyes and found a smiling blue face hovering less than a foot above hers, pigtails dangling at either side of the grin.

Connie recoiled in surprise, and her head slammed into the shelf above her pillow. Skull throbbing, she reached to her nightstand and collected her hearing aids and power sink, settling them into their respective places. All the while, the grinning blue features watched her, waiting patiently until Connie could hear herself say, “Lapis?”

Lapis’ grin widened. She hung upside-down above Connie’s bed, suspended with her feet stuck inside a watermelon-sized globe of water, and she seemed in no hurry to correct her orientation. “Good morning, sleepyhead! Rise and shine! You may have thought this was Monday, but it turns out it’s gonna be Funday instead!”

Clutching her head, Connie groaned, “Lapis? Why…?”

“What kind of unimaginative bore would even think to start a Funday right-side up?” Lapis said, aghast. Then she grabbed her pigtails and pulled them to the sides of her head so that only the tips dangled, loosely resembling a set of pointed ears. Affecting a basso, throaty growl, Lapis scowled and said, “Harvey Dent: can we trust him?”

“Okay…but why…?” Connie said, squinting in pain and confusion.

“Because you’re the funnest person I could think of to join me on my capeless crusading,” Lapis snarled cheerfully. “Come on, let’s go kick a bunch of mental patients through the revolving door of Gotham’s criminal justice system. It’ll be a hoot!”

“But why, though?” Connie said, gesturing to the space around them, which admittedly did little to clarify her question.

“It’s not who I am, but what I do that defines me. That and my sweet car. And my fighter jet. And the boat. I think I also have a Zamboni, but that might have been ret-conned.”

“Lapis,” Connie whined.

“I am not Lapis. I am VENGEANCE! I am the NIGHT! I! AM! B—!” Lapis broke off into a fit of coughing, her pigtails swinging freely as she clutched at her throat. “Ow! Man, no wonder they did Affleck’s voice in post-production.”

When she was satisfied that her scalp wasn’t gushing blood, Connie slid out from under her covers, the floor treacherously cold against her bare feet. “Why are you back? I thought you guys would be gone until late on Saturday.”

Lapis’ feet slipped from the globe of water, flipping on the way down and bouncing onto Connie’s bed. “Huh? Oh, right. Um, Pippin Dots was going bonkers thinking about you being all alone here, and couldn’t string two diodes together. So I offered to come back and keep an eye on you, even though those two will definitely be lost without me.”

The words stopped Connie cold. After all of her cajoling, all of her promising and pleading and preparing, Connie inspired so little faith in Peridot that the engineer had sent Lapis back to babysit her?

Bouncing on the corner of the mattress, Lapis paid little attention to Connie’s deadened shuffle down the stairs from her loft. “C’mon, hurry up through all your gross human biz and let’s go grab some doughnuts. Then we can go paint the town red. We can paint any town red!” She gasped in sudden inspiration, and squealed, “If we can find enough watercolors, we can literally paint a town red!”

Still pajama’d, Connie shuffled into the kitchen, stopping briefly to give the snoozing Wolf on the couch a scritch behind the ears. She glared at the list of emergency numbers pinned to the refrigerator door by magnet, a carefully organized and annotated tree of phone numbers addressing everything from fire and medical disasters to pandemic outbreaks or toxic spills in the ocean. Jerking the door open, Connie saw rows of reusable containers, each one a prepped meal with reheating instructions taped to its lid. There were enough meals for two weeks at least, far more than she would need for her supposed independence. But Connie had patiently memorized each meal’s instructions, each emergency number, all to assuage Peridot’s uncertainty.

Picking a breakfast Tupperware at random, Connie slammed the fridge closed and thumped the container onto the counter. Glassy eyes watched her peeling the container open from a perch atop the microwave, where Robinson stood in rapt attention of her every move. The lone robonoid left behind from the flock had been modified with a boxy module atop its chassis, a node with a comically large red button on top. If anything were to happen, anything at all, Connie could press the button atop Robinson, and it would send an emergency signal through the robonoids’ network and alert Peridot, who had promised she would come rushing back. But now she didn’t have to. Because she had sent Lapis back to watch her before Connie could even mess it up on her own.

“I don’t really feel like doughnuts right now,” Connie grumbled.

Lapis swan-dived off the edge of the loft. Her floating globe of water blossomed open and fixed to her gemstone in a pair of globby wings that carried her to the kitchen counter. “Doughnuts aren’t about feelings, Con-Con. They’re a substitute for feelings. Let’s go!”

Connie hunched her shoulders and stirred the cold contents of the Tupperware. “I’ve already got breakfast,” Connie said.

“Oh, sure. You’re right. Okay,” Lapis said, nodding. “Whoops.”

Jerking one shoulder, Lapis swept her wing over and batted the container out of Connie’s grasp. Cold eggs and veggies scattered as the Tupperware struck the floor. There was a rush of padded feet, and then Wolf was there, eagerly cleaning the mess before the container could stop bouncing. Robinson looked mechanically offended at the mess, but kept its optics trained on Connie as its mission dictated.

“Aw, that’s too bad,” Lapis cooed in mock-sympathy, unfazed by Connie’s glower. “I sure hope the rest of those boring, non-circular, non-fried-dough meals aren’t equally clumsy.” Her wings twitched as if to promise exactly that impending clumsiness.

---

Connie trudged up the beach after Lapis, dressed for the day against her will and determined to not enjoy doughnuts no matter how delicious they might be. Robinson clung to her shoulder, having blared in protest when she and Lapis had tried to leave without it. Wolf, evidently reluctant to visit the boardwalk on his day off, had resumed his twenty-plus hours of daily napping after cleaning up Connie’s first attempt at breakfast.

“Hurry up!” Lapis whined, flying literal circles around Connie. “I’ve got low blood sugar! We’ll get the sugar first, and then we can go work on the blood. Come on!”

The blue Gem seemed even more Lapis-y to Connie than usual. She might have wondered why, but her thoughts kept getting stuck in the reason Lapis had come back at all. Hadn’t she already proven herself capable of being on her own for a few days? Granted, the last time it had happened, the Universes had been around to pick up the slack, but this time she was provisioned and prepared. Didn’t that count for anything?

Lapis’ antics were probably meant to mollify her, playing it up as just wanting to hang out with Connie instead of playing nursemaid at Peridot’s insistence. Well, Connie wasn’t about to play along with the thin pretense.

“Et voila!” Lapis announced, grabbing the handle of the Big Donut’s door. “Breakfast is ser—”

The door rattled in its frame, refusing to open, and Lapis succeeded only in planting herself into the glass face-first. She glared at the offending door and rubbed her nose. Inside, the store’s lights were dark, the morning glare making it hard to see inside.

As Connie peered into the store, she saw the Lion Licker display case rolling itself toward the doors. It bumped into the glass, wedging into place against the door with a decidedly humanish grunt of effort. Then the source of the grunt peered out from around the back of the case to survey his work, sweat staining his shirt and soaking his dyed hair. “Okay, that should hold it shut,” Lars called back into the store. “Now we—AUGH!” As his gaze found Lapis, he shrieked and fell backwards, retreating across the tile on all fours.

“Hey, Doughnut Boy! It’s regular business hours. Lapis wants doooouuughhhh-nuuuuuts!” Lapis called. At the last part, she pressed her mouth to the door, her cheeks flaring and eyes bulging as she fogged the glass with the word.

“She’s back!” Lars sobbed, and curled into a fetal ball on the Big Donut’s floor. “Tell my story! But make this part cooler!” Tears and snot stream across his face to pool at his cheek pressed into the floor.

A trio of heads popped up from behind the store counter and display case. Squinting, Connie recognized the faces of Mayor Dewey, his son Buck, and Sadie, the other Big Donut clerk. The latter one stepped out from behind the counter armed with a broom and went to Lars to comfort him. “Shh, it’s okay, Lars. Maybe she won’t try to drown us in here. She wouldn’t want to get the doughnuts soggy,” Sadie said gently, rubbing Lars’ back.

His eyes widening at the sight of Connie, Mayor Dewey hurdled the counter and ran to the glass, dropping to his knees so hard that his dress slacks slid him across the tile. His son followed him at a more languid pace while Dewey clasped his hands and pleaded, “Maheswaran! Please, call off your big sister! We’ll give her whatever she wants if she just ends her watery reign of terror!”

“Okay, first off: sister?” Lapis clutched a hand to her chest in a coy, flirty gesture. “You charmer. Second?” Her face hardened, and she snapped, “I don’t have any ding-dong idea what you’re blubbering about! I just got here, and I definitely wouldn’t drown anybody for doughnuts! I’d just steal them.”

Mayor Dewey shrank back from her, whimpering and cowering behind his son’s leg.

“And third?” Lapis touched a finger to her chin in thought. “How ‘whatever she wants’ are we talking here? I’ve always wanted to paint my face on the water tower, but if we could get it done professionally…”

Connie resigned herself to the utter dearth of information happening between Lapis and Dewey, and looked to Buck pleadingly. “Buck?”

“Hey, Connie,” Buck said, lifting his hand in greeting. If he was concerned with his father begging on his knees, the teen didn’t show it behind his ever-present sunglasses. “Dad and I were stopping in for breakfast when your blue friend started spraying the boardwalk with water. She was laughing and flying. Seemed like she was having a pretty good time.”

“That sounds like me,” Lapis agreed. “Only I didn’t do it! …this time.”

“Maybe Mister Smiley knows who it was, then,” Buck said, and pointed toward the far end of the boardwalk.

As Connie and Lapis turned to look, they saw the Funland proprietor circle around the far end of the block at a full sprint, panic twisting in his face. Panting, Smiley ran at them, glancing back over his shoulder with a breathless whimper. It wasn’t evident what he was running from until a five-foot-tall wave of water rounded the corner and chased after him, rolling down the street all on its own and without any water anywhere near it to feed the wave, let alone explain it.

Then motion blurred over the rooftops of the boardwalk, and the explanation became clearer. A blue figure rode a set of wide, wet, glistening wings that carried her high above Smiley. The figure’s limbs were too long for her body and tipped in gangly claws, and her blue hair floated about her head in a wild shock. Her face was mostly eyeball, a field of white sclera with two blue pupils floating next to each other. But from a distance, Connie had to admit that the creature was uncomfortably Lapis-like, especially since she was deliberately, delightedly guiding the wave of seawater that chased Mister Smiley.

Surging forward, the lonely tidal wave caught Smiley and gathered around him into a blob that sucked him off his feet. He whorled inside bubbles and brine as, bizarrely, the water began to reshape itself with intricate detail, elongating and splitting along its center until it resembled—at least to Connie’s bewildered eyes—a cartoonishly large flytrap flower. The flower “chewed” Smiley, tossing him around inside its maw, and then spat him onto the boardwalk. He tumbled to a stop at Connie’s feet, a soggy head that gasped for air.

Connie knelt to check Smiley for any injuries. When she spared Lapis a glance, she was surprised to see a look of annoyed resignation on the Gem’s features. Moaning, Lapis sagged backwards, her arms dangling at her sides as she whined, “Seriously? As if today didn’t already suck enough…”

The blue corruption chittered at her flower’s victory over Smiley. “Ki-ki-ki!” Then she landed atop the Big Donut and began to gnaw at its titular decoration. The water she had been animating splashed onto the blacktop, forgotten.

“Is… Is that a corrupted Lapis Lazuli?” Connie asked in a hush. Her thoughts spiraled into nightmare scenarios of the continent sinking out from underneath them.

“Worse,” Lapis groused. “It’s an Aquamarine.”

Smiley sputtered, coughing up a splash of brine. “Aw, great. Now my socks are gonna be wet all day,” he groaned, staring forlornly at his sneakers.

Seeing Connie’s non-comprehension, Lapis groaned again and explained, “Aquamarines are just pieces of upper crust entertainment. If I’m a bulldozer—a bulldozer who looks young enough to be your sister, by the way—then she’s a water feature. Smaller scale, completely useless, and totally up her own facets about it.

Connie squinted at the gargoyle up on the roof. It was hard to discern from a distance, but she thought she could spy a teardrop-shaped gemstone on the creature’s cheek. “So she’s not going to sink Del Marva?” Connie asked.

Lapis scoffed. “She could barely sink Beach City if she tried.”

“That still sounds really bad,” Connie noted, alarmed.

The water soaked into Smiley’s clothes suddenly jerked out of the fibers, snapping his clothes and skin dry in an instant as the water flew up to Lapis’ back and spread into lumpy wings. “Chill your thrill. I’ll go take care of this. And there’d better be some bear claws left when I get back!” she snapped, directing the last at the locked doors of the store.

Connie stepped back to watch Lapis fly up to the rooftop. Before she could wonder at the Gem’s plan to deal with the corruption, she jumped at the sudden shadow that poured across her from behind. An immense collection of water floated above her, its insides littered with sand and fiddler crabs and broken plastic beach toys, its surface tinged with the white froth of high tide. Lapis must have pulled it from the surf and brought the ton of water to bear all in silence.

“Hey there, lightweight,” Lapis cooed, gesturing with one hand behind her back to guide her aqua-bomb while she waved with the other.

The Aquamarine looked up from her enormous doughnut, coughing up flecks of paint and steel. “Ki-kii?” she cawed.

Lapis sneered. “Hungry? How about a Hertz Doughnut?”

“Kii-kii!”

Darting to one side, Lapis sent her aqua-bomb hurtling toward Aquamarine. The enormous globule shaped itself into a rough approximation of a fist as it sped toward the corruption. “Hurts,” Lapis crowed, “do—”

The center of Lapis’ aqua-fist parted, rippling with a perfectly circular tunnel of empty space. Aquamarine darted through the empty center of the fist and came through untouched as the attack plowed into the gigantic steel doughnut. Bolts shrieked in protest as the doughnut shuddered in its housing while a deluge of brine engulfed it. Dirty seawater gushed off the roof, soaking everything within ten yards of the store, including Connie and Smiley.

“—on’ it?” Lapis finished, eyes wide with surprise.

As Connie dragged her sopping hair out of her face, she heard Smiley moan, “Wet socks again? I’m switching to sandals.”

Connie had just cleared her eyes when the puddles around her leapt straight upwards. Ribbons of water wove together into tiny links, each one thinner than Connie’s pinkie, strung together by the thousands to form a web of chains that stretched up to the roof of the Big Donut. A dozen chains snared Lapis, cocooning her within an intricate prison of water. Then, before she could react, the chains tightened, using the very ground as a fulcrum to hurl Lapis toward the beach with such force that she was ripped out from between her own blobby wings.

The Aquamarine cackled with its keening noise, and then fluttered away, gliding inland on her own watery wings made of sculpted, translucent water-feathers. Connie bit her lip, torn between chasing after the corruption or trying to find Lapis again. Robinson, knocked from his perch by the deluge, summited Connie and evicted a family of traumatized fiddler crabs from her hair while she stood in indecision.

“Maheswaran!” Mayor Dewey pressed his face to the inside of the glass, still on his knees inside the Big Donut. “You have to stop those two maniacs from driving everyone away! Literally hundreds of dollars in tourism revenue for the city is on the line right now. You’re our only hope!”

“Just do your best,” Buck added, offering a thumbs-up. “No pressure.”

Connie nodded, setting her face with what she hoped looked like determination. “Don’t worry. The Crystal Gems will stop her.” Then she set out at a run for the beach, hoping she could make good on that promise with only one and a half Crystal Gems on hand to do anything about it.

Lapis wasn’t hard to find. Connie followed a hundred-foot-long oblong gouge in the beach until she found a pair of bare blue legs sticking out of a mound of sand. With some fervent digging and scrabbling against the gritty mound, Connie managed to drag Lapis out of the hole. Sand caked the Gem’s stunned expression.

“Lapis! Are you okay?” Connie said.

Lapis blinked the sand out of her eyes, and then fixed them into a scowl. “Turn off your ears,” she said.

“What? I’m not gonna—”

“Turn off. Your ears.”

Reluctantly, Connie switched off her hearing aids. Her world in silence, she watched Lapis throw herself out of the crater and into a furious tantrum. Lapis’ face turned deep blue with the force of her screaming, and though Connie couldn’t read lips well enough to follow each word, the gestures that accompanied them made it clear that Lapis intended to do violence on, into, and possibly through something. The tide behind them frothed in time with the Gem’s rage, swaying back and forth to punctuate Lapis’ gesticulating.

Then Lapis motioned for Connie to switch her hearing aids back on. “Okay,” Lapis said, her color fading to normal, “time to dry up that little sploosh. Let’s go.”

“Okay,” Connie said, following reluctantly. “But, um, do you think we can do this with just the two of us? Maybe we should call Peridot and Jasper.”

Clutching an imaginary string of pearls at her throat, Lapis affected the lilting panic of a Virginian debutante. “Why, Connibelle, I am scandalized! How could you even suggest that a couple of ladies such as ourselves would require the attention of multiple escorts? And unchaperoned, no less! What will they say at the cotillion?”

“…okay,” Connie drawled. “It’s just that, she kind of ignored your best sucker punch. And Peridot told me to press the panic button if anything happened.” She plucked Robinson from her shoulder and held it up by way of demonstration.

“Hmm, good point.” Lapis took Robinson from Connie’s hands. Then, winding up with a surprisingly skillful form, she softball-pitched Robinson at the horizon. The little robonoid arced into the distance, fading from sight an instant later. It could have been Connie’s imagination, but she thought she saw a tiny splash somewhere near where the ocean met sky.

“Whoops,” Lapis deadpanned. “Butterfingers.”

“Lapis!” Connie protested, torn between staring at the horizon in shock and at Lapis in angry confusion.

“Oh, relax. When Cortes reached the Americas, he burned his boats to encourage his men. Same principle,” Lapis scoffed.

“You told me you burned his boats.”

“Well, you could say he did it to himself. Who calls somebody they just met Diablita del Mar? Rude.” Lapis stopped suddenly, whirling on Connie and stopping the girl in her tracks. “Look, we don’t need anybody else. I’m ten times the water-wrangler that upper crust pebble could ever hope to be. Now, are you my Boy Wonder, or aren’t you?”

Connie flinched at the blazing anger in Lapis’ bright blue eyes. “Um…yes?”

“Darn skippy, you are,” Lapis agreed, and resumed their march up the beach.

Biting her lip, Connie hurried after, wondering if the job of Boy Wonder came with health insurance, or even water wings. Given how many of them the Dark Knight had gone through, she doubted if they received either in their utility belts.

---

Their quarry left a clear trail of mischief for them to track through Beach City. Word of a monster on the loose must have spread quickly, even with the city’s government cowering behind a display case of baked goods and thus unable to call for emergency procedures. So the Aquamarine had the town to herself, and was enjoying her monopoly at the Fry Shack. Head tilted back, she squatted underneath the ketchup dispenser bolted to the shack’s counter and worked its pump furiously, inhaling the condiment in great, wet spurts.

Connie crouched with Lapis behind the wheel of an expensive yellow sports car that had been abandoned on the street. The car was an oddity that didn’t belong to anyone in Beach City, Connie was certain. If the license plate was to be believed, the car’s owner was named K3V1N. Its immaculately clean and waxed body provided a close vantage point for spying on the corruption.

“Look at her, flouncing around,” Lapis murmured in disgust, watching the Aquamarine empty the ketchup dispenser into her jagged mouth. “She thinks she’s so great.”

“Pretty sure she’s just thinking, ‘ketchup, yum,’” Connie pointed out as she peered across the car hood.

Pausing in a moment of inspiration, the Aquamarine jammed one whole nostril over the mouth of the dispenser’s nozzle. When she pumped again, a fountain of ketchup erupted from the opposite nostril. The corruption kept pumping, laughing as she sprayed the condiment through her face.

“Clever. That’s exactly what I’d be doing,” Lapis muttered darkly.

“Exactly?” Connie echoed, confused.

Lapis ignored her, leaning back on her heels and bracing herself out of sight against the car door. “Okay, here’s the plan: I’m going to drench her until she poofs. You stand outside of the splash zone and look impressed. Maybe take some pictures if it looks especially cool, which it definitely will. Ready? Break!”

Connie peered dubiously at the Aquamarine, who was plucking napkins from the dispenser and eating them one at a time. “I don’t think that’s going to work any better than it did last time. Maybe we can outflank her, box her in, and poof her with my sword.” She tried to ignore the fact that Lapis had ignored her requests to stop at the beach house to actually retrieve said sword. Maybe if her point was actually heard this time, they could actually arm themselves before charging face-first again.

But when she looked back, Connie lost that fleeting hope. Lapis had her hand outstretched and was already calling a line of seawater up from the beach, keeping it low and thin to avoid drawing notice from the Aquamarine. “Let’s call that ‘Plan Z,’ okay? I told you, I got this,” Lapis said.

“We can’t just keep doing the same thing again and hope it works,” Connie insisted. “Jasper always says—”

Connie was startled at the anger flashing in Lapis’ features at her words. “You think Jasper could handle this better? Fine!”

The sneaky stream Lapis had called from the ocean suddenly leapt between her and Connie, chasing the girl back on her hands and feet. As Connie gaped in disbelief, the tip of the stream punched through the driver’s window of the car, turning the safety glass into a web of cracks. More water gushed in along the stream, which thickened into a deluge that completely filled the car’s interior. Bubbles gathered on the inside of the windows as the car rocked on its suspension under the extreme weight.

But the water didn’t stop there. More and more poured out of the ocean and pooled over the surface of the car’s body. In seconds, the whole vehicle became engulfed in a thick skin of brine. Connie was about to question the strange vandalism when her voice became a squeak of surprise as the car began to tear itself apart inside the water. Metal groaned under enormous pressure, and then shrieked as the wheels snapped from their axels, the hood wrenching out of its frame, and the engine bobbing upward while the body of the car segmented itself along rough, jagged lines.

Lapis stepped into the globule of water, heedless of the car parts churning inside of it. She floated into the center of the disassembled car and spread her limbs wide. Then the globule stretched upward, lifting Lapis and the car pieces together as the space inside elongated. Pigtails swirling, Lapis spun amidst the muddy fluids and seawater as the car parts latched onto her, the hood crumpling over her torso, and the doors wrapping over her arms, roof forming a beetle back, and the tires becoming fists and feet. Her waters shrank into the wreckage and formed thick bands that lashed pieces to Lapis in a tattered, dripping approximation of oversized yellow armor. The muffler of the car was water-banded to Lapis’ head with the end sticking out over her brow in the shape of a crude crash helmet.

“There,” Lapis announced, her head appearing tiny atop the improvised body armor. She looked to Connie like an Autobot who had barely survived a car crusher. “Look at me. I’m a perfect Quartz now. Time to deliver a perfect butt-whupping!”

The Aquamarine had ignored Lapis’ noisy transformation, but as Lapis lurched forward with pounding footfalls, the ground around them began to quake, and the corruption looked up from her snacking. She’d stuffed her mouth so full of napkins that they now quite literally came out of her ears, and her giant singular eye goggled up in wonder at the now huge Lapis. “Ki-ki-ki?”

Lapis swung her tire fist through Aquamarine, sending the corruption tumbling along with most of the ketchup, mustard, napkins, and countertop from the Fry Shack. “Boom!” Lapis gloated. “Flawless victory!”

Connie staggered to her feet, watching the corruption bounce and roll off of Lapis’ blows. She wondered if she should try to intervene, but then hesitated. She had advocated for a physical solution instead of an aquatic one. Could she really complain if it was working?

Laughter rattled the piecemeal armor. Lapis stomped after the corruption, the street cracking underneath her. The Aquamarine rolled away from another swipe that tore a chunk out of the pavement. “Ha! It’s fun to be this big!” Lapis shouted. “Check me out! Who needs a personality when you can just headbutt all your problems? Now hold still, you goofy goober! I’ll teach you to wreck up this place with your buffoonery. That’s my job!”

She reared back with her whole body to hammer the corruption with her muffler-tipped helmet. But then the muffler slumped to one side, its long tip tilting off-target. One of the thick bands of water holding the “helmet” in place had leapt off of Lapis to take the shape of a tiny, sculpted, animate gremlin. The little water creature pointed and laughed silently at Lapis, its tiny shoulders shaking as she tried to push the muffler out of her eyes with her tire-fists.

“What the…? Hey, get back there!” Lapis snarled. The gremlin exploded back into a globule that wrapped around the muffler again, righting it. But before it had finished tightening into place, two more of the armor’s watery braces leapt off of her to form twin gremlins of their own.
Lapis tried to shout and pull at the little gremlins, but half a dozen more watery creatures wriggled out from between her armor’s joint. Lapis’ imposing wreck-suit trembled, and then collapsed inward, disgorging a small army of translucent, eerily silent gremlins that had formerly held the wreckage together. Lapis vanished under a pile of metal and plastics with a cry that was lost in the crunch.

The water-gremlins swarmed around Aquamarine, lifting her onto their tiny shoulders. Aquamarine reclined as the little servants carried her down the street. “Ki-ki-kiiii!” the corruption cackled.

Connie hesitated until the corruption and her puppeteered entourage had disappeared around the corner. Then she rushed to the wreckage pile, searching frantically for any sign of Lapis. Most of the big pieces refused to budge for Connie, and many of the smaller pieces were too wedged or jagged to attempt. After some frantic seconds, though, Connie managed to dig out one of Lapis’ hands. “Lapis! Are you okay?” she shouted at the wreckage.

The greasy blue hand made a wavering so-so gesture.

“Do… Do you want me to go get help?” Connie asked.

The hand curled into a shaky thumbs-down.

Baffled, Connie looked around. “Um, then do you want me to find some water so you can get yourself out of there?”

The thumb slowly turned upwards in an affirmative before falling limp again.

Connie swallowed her sigh of frustration as she trotted away, silently hoping that the Big Donut’s hose would stretch far enough to reach the pile.

---

Connie sat on the beach with her knees drawn up to her chest, staring out at the ocean and the next big problem they would have to tackle. Lapis had told her to go look for Aquamarine while she “got something to handle the problem.” As if the corruption were a burnt-out lightbulb or a loose screw to be tightened instead of a huge, potentially city-ending threat. Connie wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to do when she found the Aquamarine, which hadn’t taken long anyway, and so felt doubly useless as she sat in the sand.

When she’d argued for the right to stay home on her own, Connie had secretly fantasized about saving Beach City from some errant corruption running amok. She would have charged in alone to save the day, maybe even summoning her sword—her real sword—in a moment of desperation that would turn to triumph at the last moment. But none of those fantasies had included tangling with a corrupted Lazuli-knockoff.

Now she could only kick herself in retrospect for those childish notions. Peridot had been right to send Lapis back after all. The best Connie could have done on her own would have been to help the town evacuate, then hide inside the temple and wait for the Gems to come back, hopefully before anybody drowned on dry land. She didn’t feel like a protector at the moment. She didn’t even feel like a Boy Wonder. Or a Girl Wonder. Hadn’t there been a girl Robin? No, two of them. Carrie and…Stephanie? Stephanie.

A fluttering from above announced Lapis’ arrival, and Connie rose to her feet. Lapis had flown in from the temple to the north side beach at Rehoboth Bay. “What do you think, Connifred? Is that our gal?” asked the Gem. Her jaw worked at a wad of chewing gum cracked and popped between her teeth.

Connie stared out at the bay, where a small carnival of impossibility had risen out of the water. Out in the middle of the bay, a towering Ferris wheel made entirely of seawater had risen up, its stilts lifting the wheel and cars high above the chop of the ocean. The wheel was slowly turning, moving smoothly along its hub, its girders and spokes glittering in the sunlight. Connie had to be impressed at the detail put into the recreation. It looked just like a taller version of the Ferris wheel in Funland, which lay up the beach from where they stood.

Having watched the wheel slowly turn for nearly twenty minutes now, Connie was more interested in the item clutched in Lapis’ hand. The Gem held a small green rod that was less than a meter long, the tip of which featured a lattice of white crystal that formed an empty dodecahedron. If Connie didn’t know better than to believe in such things, she might have thought it was a magic wand. “What’s that?” she asked.

“An Aquamarine’s worst nightmare,” Lapis boasted, and presented the rod. “This is the Hydrophilic Compression Siphon. It’s a gizmo that a certain cutie who shall remain nameless invented back when she thought she might have to tangle with the other Crystal Gems and call in Yellow Diamond’s cavalry. It can absorb and contain water like a champ, rendering lesser water-themed Gems totally useless. Of course, it never would have worked on a Lapis, but it’ll be more than enough to stop our soggy problem out there.” She cracked her chewing gum loudly with a smile.

Connie frowned at the device, and then up at Lapis. “You went into Peridot’s workshop and took one of her tools without her permission? She’s going to have a fit!” With just a moment’s pause, she added, “Wouldn’t it be better if, I don’t know, you went and got Peridot herself? That way we wouldn’t have to take her stuff without permission, and we’d have an extra—”

Lapis held up a hand to stop Connie. “I’m way ahead of you, Connita Pequeña. Check this out.”

Reaching behind her, Lapis drew something from the back pocket of her shorts, then unfolded it and pushed it onto her face. Connie recognized the shape circling Lapis’ eyes as a backup pair of Connie’s old glasses, only with the lenses popped out of the frames. Before Connie could even think of what question to ask first, Lapis spit out her gum into her palm, then smooshed it onto her own forehead, letting it stick there as a lumpy approximation of a stone.

“Witness: I anticipated your complaint and took preemptive measures to circumnavigate it! Ergo, I don’t need to give myself permission to enter my own lab or use my own tools, do I? It’s elementary!” announced the newly-bespectacled, gum-adorned Lapis.

Connie blinked. Her mouth opened and closed several times, unable to find words to cope with whatever it was standing before her. Finally, she managed to say, “Am I going mad? Is this what going mad feels like?”

Lapis tilted the glasses back, propping their nose pads in the gum on her forehead. “Psst! Connie, it’s me, Lapis. I’m not really Peridot. This is just me pretending to agree with you, but actually showing you that I can handle things on my own. It’s a gag.”

“Okay, that’s a ‘yes’ on the madness thing,” Connie concluded.

The glasses flipped down over a suddenly serious expression. “This is no time for insanity, Old Chum. There’s a menace on the loose, and we have to catch her.”

Grimacing, Connie insisted, “Look, you can’t be Peridot and Batman at the same time.”

“Like fun I can’t!” Lapis aimed her free hand at the surf and summoned a generous blob of water. It sprang to her arm in the shape of a cylinder, which proceeded to grow three enormous rotors as she raised it above her, creating an oversized approximation of helicopter blades. “Now grab on. We fly!”

The water-rotor spun for a few rotations, picking up speed, but when it grew too fast it began to disintegrate into a spray of brine that soaked Connie, Lapis, and most of the sand within thirty feet of Lapis. By the time she lowered her hand, only a miniscule blob of the water remained clinging to her arm.

As Connie sputtered against the water dripping down her face, Lapis lowered her hand and sagged. “Fine,” she conceded, and drew a pair of blobby wings from the surf instead. “We’ll fly the normal way.”

Once Connie was forcibly dried and they were soaring over the bay, it was easy to see how much worse their situation actually was. A small flotilla of schooners, trawlers, and shoreline tour boats floated haphazardly behind the Ferris wheel, blocked from view from the beach by its glimmering water-struts, but terribly obvious from above by their sheer number. They were too close to the wheel to be there by accident or curiosity. Any local sailor would know better than to investigate something weird and made of water just from experience.

Connie squinted through the sun’s glare off the ocean as she clung to Lapis’ back. The boats drifting behind the water wheel appeared to be abandoned. Then her stomach sank as she realized why. Each of the water wheel’s passenger cars was packed with a bouquet of writhing arms and panicked faces. As they drew closer, she could even hear the cacophony of screams and pleas slipping through the breeze.

“She kidnapped the crews of those boats and trapped them in the Ferris wheel!” Connie cried, pointing over Lapis’ shoulder.

Somehow Connie could feel Lapis rolling her eyes. “Thank you, Edna Exposition,” Lapis called back over her shoulder. Then she swooped them both to land on the topmost car of the wheel as it rotated up to the wheel’s apex.

As they landed, Connie slid off and felt her shoes thud onto a solid roof. The surface of the water was dappled with evenly-spaced bumps that Connie realized were meant to be rivets. The accuracy of the Aquamarine’s enormous simulacrum was stunning. If there weren’t people screaming in terror just under her feet, Connie would have been impressed instead of upset.

On another rooftop two cars away, Aquamarine lay sunning herself and kicking her legs over the edge. When Lapis landed, though, her attention immediately perked. “Ki?” she cawed, her pupils brightening inside her singular eye.

“Attend me, miscreant!” Lapis bellowed, and pushed her glasses higher up her nose. “Your misappropriation of this nautical thoroughfare and its recreationists ceases henceforth!”

The corruption tilted her head at Lapis’ declaration. Even the panicked captives in the cars beneath them also stopped to stare up in confusion.

Connie could hardly blame them. “Laying it on a little thick, aren’t you, ‘Peridot?’” she said.

Lapis replied with another rolling of her eyes. Then she levelled her wand at Aquamarine’s feet and cried, “Excelsior!”

The dodecahedral lattice at the end of the rod glowed brightly, and Connie began to feel a pull in the air. Wind whistled inward through the tines of the lattice. Connie’s mouth suddenly went dry, and here eyes ached with a brief flash of tears before becoming sticky and dry. The rooftop of the watery car beneath her rippled, and droplets of it beaded up to tear away from the solid surface and leap into the center of the rod’s tip.

Then the Ferris wheel car underneath Aquamarine wobbled, losing its shape, and its mass reverted into a liquid that streamed into the end of the rod. An enormous swell of water whorled and compacted itself into a glistening blue marble held within the dodecahedron. Even Aquamarine’s wings tore free of her back and were slurped into the rod’s irresistible force. It was an amazing technological marvel, stealing a literal ton of water from the air and compacting it into something the size of a grape.

It was so amazing, in fact, that Connie almost didn’t realize that the former car’s former passengers were now actively plummeting. Yelping, Connie summoned a pair of the largest force fields she could manage beneath the floor before the last of it vanished. The startled people inside only had to fall an inch or two before their feet struck the yellow fields. “Lapis!” Connie cried in alarm.

“Huh? Oh, whoops.” Lapis curbed her wanding a moment and summoned a number of large water globules from the surface of the ocean, guiding them across the tops of Connie’s fields to swallow each passenger up to their necks in their own respective safety bubbles. With another flick of her hand, Lapis sent the globes and their passengers semi-gently into the waters below the wheel.

By the time their attentions turned away from the timely rescue, Connie and Lapis saw Aquamarine flitting between the spokes of her Ferris wheel, riding a new pair of feathery water wings. The gangly corruption gestured at the surface of the ocean, and new shapes rose up out of the chop to coalesce into ghastly creatures, larger and more misshapen versions of the tiny water gremlins she had conjured earlier. These new water ghouls spiraled up at the two Crystal Gems, all while the wheel continued its merry turn underneath them.

Lapis sneered at the squadron of snaggle-toothed, amorphous monsters rising up at them. Hefting the rod, Lapis called, “So you’re throwing water at your problems until they go away? Let me show you how good that works.” Then she launched herself into the air and began vacuuming the ghouls into the Hydrophilic Compression Siphon, dodging this way and that to avoid their translucent jaws as she made them disappear.

As the car she stood upon rotated toward the bottom of the wheel, Connie looked down over the edge of the car’s roof to the frightened passengers trapped inside. “When we get to the bottom, slide into the water,” she said, and then rose up before they could start asking questions. She was already eyeballing the drop from the bottom of the lowest car to the ocean surface. It wasn’t necessarily a lethal drop, but it was scarier than a gaggle of frightened sailors would likely want to risk.

Aiming with her best judgment, Connie summoned another of her largest force fields at an angle to hover in midair. Her aim was true, and the top of the force field was only a few inches from the bottom of the car rotating past it. The passengers of the next car seemed to understand immediately, and crowded onto the force field, using it as a makeshift slide to tumble gracelessly, yet in relative safety, to the ocean surface.

A sound like a rushing stream flew overhead, and Connie looked up to see the Aquamarine pulling new ghouls out of the struts of the Ferris wheel, making the whole structure tremble. Lapis still chased after the corruption, sucking each new ghoul that came at her into the tip of the Siphon.

“That’s right!” Lapis yelled, “Keep trying the same thing over and over again, genius. Er, I mean, continue to repeat your repetitious repetitions of your…mistakes. Big words!”

Connie looked back down to watch another car pass by her force field, its passengers following the example of the earlier cars and sliding out to freedom. The wheel was shaking harder now as more of its structure became watery ghouls that were then drained into Lapis’ rod. “Lapis, the passengers!” she shouted up into the fray.

“Maintain bodily implementation of your blouse, Connie! I’m working on it!” Lapis snapped.

Maintain…? Did Peridot mean, Keep your shirt on? “That one was a little obscure,” Connie shouted back.

Lapis replied with a rude gesture at Connie. Her other hand directed the Siphon at the ocean below the Aquamarine. “Antidisestablishmentarianism!” she bellowed.

The ocean surface bulged, drawn upward into a bloated pustule. Then it burst into thick ribbons of seawater that slammed up and into the Siphon. Bracketed within the ribbons, the Aquamarine could only flit from ribbon to rushing ribbon as Lapis drew closer, shrinking the confinement space.

“Ha! Too bad you can’t think past your next punchline, you soggy prankster!” Lapis laughed. “You just got outsmarted by—huh?”

The ribbons caging the Aquamarine dwindled into trickles, and then stopped completely, their ends toppling back into the water. The Siphon in Lapis’ hand released a blarp noise as its crystal lattice began to pulse with a dull white glow. Lapis smacked it against her palm, trying to get it working again, but it refused to cooperate.

“What do you mean, ‘At Capacity?’” she snarled at the device. “It wasn’t that much water!”

Then a tremendous hand swooped down and plucked the Siphon from Lapis’ grasp. Lapis startled backwards at the presence of the giant hand, which had been cobbled together from pieces of the watery Ferris wheel, its fingers still shaped like the riveted girders that had supported the ride. Despite its cumbersome appearance, the girder-hand was quite deft as it handed the Siphon to Aquamarine.

Connie glanced worriedly at the last of the rescued boaters, who were paddling frantically toward the flotilla from which they’d been snatched. “How much damage can she do with that?” she called to Lapis.

Lapis swallowed her obvious surprise and scoffed. “Please! That dummy couldn’t figure out how to work an egg timer, let alone—”

“Ki!” Aquamarine broke the Siphon in half.

Water exploded from the broken rod into an expanding, globe-like tsunami as every drop the Siphon had formerly held was released at once. Connie blinked at the wall of water rushing at her, so tall that it blotted out the sun, so wide that it curtained the entire horizon from sight, and so fast that she only had time for a single deep breath. Then she felt Lapis tackle her off her perch, and the rest was a rushing current that sent her tumbling through bubbles and brine.

Connie kept her eyes, her lips, and her chest clenched for as long as she could while the world around her turned into a washing machine’s spin cycle. Just as her lungs started to burn in earnest, she felt herself thud onto something soft but solid. She pushed herself onto her hands and knees, parted the wet curtain of hair in her face, and found herself back at shore just outside of Beach City.

With a glance backwards, Connie was relieved to see the re-crewed flotilla of leisure boats bobbing on the tumultuous ocean, still upright even after a million gallons of water had landed right next to them. The last of the Ferris wheel in the bay had vanished. So had its architect.

As she sagged on the beach, she saw a bare blue foot sticking out of the wet sand. “Lapis!” she squeaked, and scrambled to excavate the foot and its owner. Connie scooped up handfuls of swampy beach and water until she had clawed enough of the Gem free to grab a hand and drag Lapis bodily out of the hole. “Are you okay?”

Kneeling over Lapis, Connie was startled to see herself in the Gem’s eyes, which opened into two narrowed mirrors. Lapis lay frighteningly still as she burbled up a mouthful of sandy water, and then said in a low voice, “Okay. Now we do this my way.”

The sight of the reflective glare made Connie want to run for higher ground. But she stuffed that thought down and steeled herself. “We need a new strategy.”

“I told you, I’ve got one,” Lapis said too calmly. “I’m going to take all the water on this planet, and I’m going to drop it on her. You might want to grab a drink first. It’s going to get thirsty for a little while after that.”

“Lapis, no,” Connie said, fighting to keep the quaver out of her voice. “You can’t do that.”

“I totally can. That drip probably can’t lift more than thirty, maybe forty million tons of water at a time, and she can’t have a reach more than half a mile. She’s an Aquamarine. So if I get high enough first, and start with the Atlantic…”

“It’s time to get help!” Connie insisted, and grabbed Lapis’ hand, squeezing as hard as she dared. “If we all put our heads together, we can do this without drowning the East Coast.”

The notion chased the reflectiveness out of Lapis’ eyes, and they became narrow blue slits instead as they darted down to Connie. “What? No,” she said, and shook her hand free of Connie’s. “I already said, I got this. We don’t need to call in the No-Fun Police just because things are getting a little damp. When did you become such a quitter?”

Connie felt her own scowl rising up through her worry for the Gem. “Why are you being so stubborn about this? If it had just been me alone here,” Connie started to say.

Lapis cut her off with a snort. “If it had just been you here, this place would already be underwater. Now pipe down, will you? Maybe that ‘all the water’ plan is a bit much, but I think I’m on the right track.”

Gritting her teeth, Connie whirled and began the long, stomping walk back toward the temple. “Fine!” she snapped.

“Hey, where are you…?” Lapis started to ask, but then trailed off. Connie could hear the smirk in Lapis’ voice without turning around as the Gem called, “You know what? Fine!”

“Fine!” Connie snapped back over her shoulder.

“Double-fine!” Lapis yelled, cupping her hands over her mouth.

Against her better judgment, Connie stopped and spun on her heel, bracing her fists at her side. “If you won’t get Peridot and Jasper, then I’ll do it myself! I can warp too!” Connie bellowed.

Mimicking her posture, Lapis called, “Okay, have fun! It’s thirty miles across ice from the nearest warp pad to where Dottie and OJ are erecting their first disasterpiece. Be sure to dress in layers, ‘cause it’s a nippy forty-below down there right now!” Then her mocking tone cracked, and her expression flashed with genuine concern. “Wait, on second thought, probably don’t do that. Or if you do, actually dress in layers. It’s really cold.”

Connie’s eyes stung, but she refused to let the insufferable Gem see her cry. “I get it!” she yelled. “And I’m sorry you had to come back here because I couldn’t handle being alone for a few days. You all were right not to trust me on my own. Okay?”

All of the smugness dropped instantly from Lapis’ demeanor. “Wait. What?”

Her fists clenched at her sides to keep from shaking, Connie snapped, “It sucks when you’re too weak to handle things on your own. Nobody knows that better than me. But if I can admit it, then you should too. So get over your own hype already! ‘Cause if you won’t get the others to actually stop Aquamarine, then I’ll have to go freeze to death trying to do it myself!”

As she whirled to stomp away again, puffing with righteous anger and wondering if she had enough coats and sweaters to survive a trip across Sub-Arctica, a wall of water leapt out of the surf and blocked her path. She spun around, ready to repeat the whole argument over again, but then felt her breath hitch.

“Connie,” Lapis said, her shoulders and her voice sagging with an invisible weight. “I didn’t come back to babysit you. Of course we trust you to survive for a week on your own, you goober. You weren’t the issue at all. I… I got kicked off the tower mission.”

Connie blinked, uncertain of which way her mood should whiplash. “Kicked off?” she repeated.

Shrugging, Lapis let the water wall drop as she said, “Or I bailed. I don’t know. There was a lot of shouting, and tempers got a little hot, and somebody blue started with the name-calling, and then I just…left.” The last word thudded out of her as if she had just realized it. She groaned, palming her face, and said, “Of course I just left. It’s what I do best.”

The scowl eased out of Connie’s face. She found herself stepping tentatively toward Lapis, her ire cooling into a softer tone as she said, “What happened?”

Lapis collapsed at the water’s edge, her knees drawn up to her chest. She flicked at the ocean with one hand, drawing a long line of empty sand into the surf over and over again with the idle motion. “Just stupid stuff. The usual. We lugged all of the equipment to the first site and spent a whole night putting a tower together. Or, a night here, I guess. Since it’s winter down there, night is pretty much nonstop, so we were fumbling in work lights to build the dumb thing.”

Sitting next to Lapis, Connie adopted the Gem’s posture, pulling up her own legs. “Okay,” she said. “Then what?”

“Once the tower part was built, P-Doodles had to install all the guts, which left Jasper and me on ‘patrol.’ And since nothing was happening, that just meant we stood around and froze our facets off.” Lapis’ brows furrowed, and her hand began to flick harder, churning a longer line into the surf. “So naturally, since I had gone a whole five minutes without making everything about me, I decided to goof around. Dottie was leaning into one of the access hatches, and her cute little derrière was doing her little I’m-Rewiring-Something shimmy, so I scraped together a snowball and chucked it at her.

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Connie hedged, masking a wince. Peridot didn’t suffer tomfoolery when she was mid-project, even from Lapis.

“I didn’t think so,” Lapis agreed. “But all of the tower’s guts right in front of Peri-Peri felt quite contrary, because they started barfing up sparks like a Star Trek console during Red Alert.”

Connie’s wince slipped the mask. “Ooh.”

“Yeah. So Peridot starts yelling like somebody just set off a bomb in her face, because I basically did. And before I can apologize, Jasper starts throwing in her usual two cents. ‘You never take anything seriously.’ ‘You can’t go two seconds without making yourself a hindrance to the mission.’ ‘You’re a dis…’” Lapis stopped, her voice growing thick as she struggled to say, “’You’re a disappointment to the memory of Citrine.’ All the golden oldies. And Peridot was so mad, I think she actually agreed with Jaz this time.”

Connie reached for Lapis’ hand again. This time, the Gem didn’t shake free of her.

Pretending to laugh, Lapis said, “Give me a break, right? Like I don’t know Citrine would be disappointed in me? That’s pretty much my forwarding address.”

A knot gathered in Connie’s stomach. She let her gaze drift into the surf as she tried to come up with something to say that didn’t sound like a cheesy platitude. When nothing inspiring came to mind, she swallowed hard and settled on the truth. “I feel that way too,” she admitted. “Like, all the time.”

Lapis blew a long, wet raspberry. “That’s bunk. Your mom loved you to the stars and back. She gave up everything to have you.”

“Exactly!” Connie exclaimed. “If she never met me, how could she be proud? Everybody always says stuff like that, but how could it possibly be true? I’m half-Gem, but I barely have any powers, and most of the ones I do have I can’t even control.” She gestured in frustration to her power sink and her hearing aids. “And I’m half-human, but I stink at being human too. I barely understand people most of the time, and they barely understand me! Both my halves stink.” She crossed her arms, burying her pout behind them. “I’m no Carrie, or Dick, or even Damien. I’m not even Jason Todd. I’m just a Speedy.”

“Ouch.” Lapis smirked and nudged Connie’s shoulder. “Hey, at least you’re not a tower-trashing lunatic who can’t make it three days without ruining everything and running away because of it.”

Nudging back, Connie retorted, “Yeah, but I’m also not a continent-chucking war hero water dominator. I actually thought I could protect this place for once, but look how that would have turned out.”

“You would have been fine. As soon as you realized what was going on, you would have smacked that Peri-panic button, then gotten everybody to safety. Things are only this screwed up because I came back.” With another mirthless laugh, she noted, “Usually after a shouting match like that one, all I can think to do is crawl underwater for a couple of weeks.”

Connie leaned into the Gem, squeezing her hand tighter. “Thanks for not doing that.”

Lapis shook her head. “Out of everybody on this stinkin’ planet, you were the only person I wanted to be around. Being able to make you smile is worth more than every last drop of water in the universe.” Grimacing, she added, “If I had known it would have given you some big crisis of confidence, I would have gone below to bother the other bottom-dwellers.”

Wrapping her arms around Lapis’ waist, Connie buried her face in the Gem’s shirt and said, “Nuh-uh. If you’re going to annoy anybody, it should be me.”

This time Lapis’ laughter was real, if gentle. She rested her chin atop Connie’s head and sighed. “With a friend like you, who needs anemones?” Then she squeezed Connie in return. “Thanks, Consuela. Even when I need it, I don’t do well when I’m alone. You’re good at keeping me out of the water.”

The moment stretched into amiable silence, broken only by the gentle waves nipping at their toes. Eventually, Connie knew, they would have to venture out to collect Jasper and Peridot so that everybody could make up, and they could deal with the Aquamarine. If tempers weren’t already riding high enough, all of the corruption’s water shenanigans were bound to make Lapis guilty by power association. And the annoyance of delaying Peridot’s project would only make things worse.

A pang of regret at all of the impending trouble echoed inside Connie as she snuggled deeper into Lapis’ embrace. So much trouble for one troublemaker? For all of Aquamarine’s public endangerment, the corruption didn’t seem to want to hurt anyone or wreck anything. Mostly she just…

…goofed around with people…

Connie jerked out of Lapis’ arms, knocking into the Gem’s chin as she leapt to her feet. “Lapis! I think I know how you and I can catch Aquamarine!”

Lapis rubbed at her jaw. “Without calling the Gruesome Twosome? I like it!”

“Since she’s better than you at controlling water, we just need to level the playing field,” continued Connie.

Grimacing, Lapis fixed her with an irritated, wounded look. “Okay, now I like it less.”

“No, listen…”

---

Connie and Lapis had no issue finding the Aquamarine once they finished cementing their plans. Their corrupted troublemaker had decided to take her troublemaking to the beach house’s front door.

Fluttering above the roof, Aquamarine painted long swaths of water across the temple’s carving, drawing a bushy mustache and beard onto the stone. Individual follicles glistened in the goatee, which even wafted in the breeze as though it were real hair. Aquamarine evidently appreciated her own efforts, because she doubled over with laughter in the air. “Ki-kii-ki!”

Lapis peered through the screen door of the house, opened just a crack to let her look up. “Aw, and she gave it the Van Dyke? Why did she have to have such great taste? Ugh.” Then she glanced back and asked, “You ready for this, Mission Conn-trol?”

Fiddling with the strap of her sheath, Connie forced a smile onto her face. Behind her clenched teeth she could feel her heart trying to climb up her throat. A straight fight would have made her nervous enough, but this plan of hers had her adrenaline on overdrive. But she could hardly complain, seeing as how it was her plan to behind with. “Yup!” she said. Then she glanced back at her secret weapon. “How about you?”

Her secret weapon wagged his tail, his tongue lolling with a doggy smile.

“Give me a five-second head start,” Connie told Lapis. Then, with a breath to steel herself, she raced out the front door and hurdled the porch rail.

Globs of water rose up from the surf to flit overhead, forming sideburns on the temple’s carving. The sound of beating wings passed above Connie, but she resisted the urge to look up and follow the sound. Instead she ran in a zigzagging pattern across the beach with her empty hands spread wide.

Five and one-half seconds later, Lapis darted out of the beach house and landed in front of Connie. Reaching out with one finger, Lapis booped the girl on the nose and exclaimed, “Tag! You’re it!”

Then Lapis shed her wings and sprinted away, giggling and flapping her arms. The Gem could have easily outpaced Connie, but ran slow enough that Connie caught up in a few seconds. Connie jumped and tapped Lapis’ shoulder with a cry of, “Tag!” And then she ducked Lapis’ tag-back and scampered away, laughing as convincingly as she could.

For several minutes, Connie and Lapis crisscrossed the beach, chasing each other and trading shouts of “Tag!” All the while, they had a one-Gem audience watchihng them from the sky. The follicular additions to the temple fell to rain while the Aquamarine stared at them in confusion. Gradually Aquamarine drifted downward, watching. Her pupils separated in her enormous single eye, each one trying to follow its own player in the game.

Connie watched the corruption from the corner of her eye, never risking a full glance for fear of scaring her away. The real concern was whether or not Lapis would stay on task instead of trying another contest of water-working. But Lapis seemed to be enjoying the game and the attention, and her laughter almost sounded genuine. Even Connie felt herself being swept away in the deception. When was the last time she and Lapis had gotten to just play like this?

Eventually the plan struck success when Aquamarine’s gargoyle feet sank into the sand. Connie waited through several tag-backs, gauging the Aquamarine’s interest. When the corruption had closed the distance between them to a mere dozen feet all on her own, Connie widened her smile and flapped her arms as she circled back toward the gangly creature.

Aquamarine shrank back a step at Connie’s approach. Her pupils swirled together, both trying to focus on Connie at the same time. Connie slowed, but didn’t break stride or make any sudden changes to her gait. She lifted a hand as she approached, fingers outstretched. Her heart pounded in her ears, but she kept her smile in place and forced herself to keep laughing. Finally, breathlessly, she drew within arm’s reach of the spellbound corruption, leaned in on tiptoe, and lightly touched Aquamarine’s stomach. “Tag!” she sang, and then reversed course, sprinting away. “You’re it!”

Lapis drew a new pair of wings from the tide. “You’re it! You’re it!” she jeered at Aquamarine. Then she launched herself into the air, flying out to sea.

After a dozen feet, Connie risked a glance over her shoulder. She was sure this had been a stupid plan, that it could never possibly work. So it was a strange relief to see the Aquamarine chasing after her with joy twisting in its jagged features.

“Kii-kii!” A pair of feathered water wings spread at Aquamarine’s back, and she bolted at Connie with both claws outstretched.

Sticking her fingers in her mouth, Connie whistled sharply. Then she leapt straight up, and the air underneath her split with a bark. Wolf appeared out of a vanishing portal and caught Connie on his back. She wove her fingers into his thick fur and held on for dear life as Wolf ran full-tilt onto the surf, missing Aquamarine’s clawed tag-back by mere inches. The great yellow beast’s paws touched lightly atop the choppy waters as he carried Connie out to sea, catching up to the tiny dot that had been Lapis in less than a minute.

The Aquamarine seemed to delight in the chase, spinning and twisting through the air, skimming the water’s surface to kick up a contrail spray that left a rainbow hanging in her wake. “Ki-ki-ki!” the Aquamarine laughed.

“That’s right, dummy,” Lapis laughed back. “Key, key, key!”

“Don’t make fun!” Connie shouted up at the Gem.

After several minutes, the shoreline disappeared from view, leaving endless blue stretching around them in all directions. Connie wondered if they should keep going just a little longer, just a little farther, but realized that she was just trying to stall the next part. Everything was going according to plan, which was a depressingly unfamiliar sensation to her.

“Lapis? NOW!” Connie shouted.

Lapis stopped dead in the air, and then thrust her arms out in either direction, as if to push the horizon apart. And the ocean obeyed.

A geyser of white froth erupted beneath Lapis, and then irised open into a ring of empty air. Faster than Connie’s eye could follow, the ocean parted from itself, expanding into emptiness that revealed a dry seabed far below them, an expanse that kept growing by the second as the circle of emptiness pushed more water farther and farther away from them. Connie felt her stomach lurch as Wolf hopped over the ring of froth and dropped nearly a hundred feet to the ground below.

Most of the ocean life had been swept away with the water, leaving an empty sea bed made of crumbling sand and rock that crunched under Wolf’s paws. The air rasped in Connie’s nose, as dry and crackling as mountain air. Her eyes felt the same kind of stickiness they’d itched with when Lapis had employed the Siphon, and her mouth tasted cottony. The Gem had pushed away every iota of excess moisture.

When the water finally stopped receding, it stood more than a mile away in every direction, rising up in a towering wall that blocked all but a distant circle of sky from view. The only water that remained was keeping Lapis and Aquamarine aloft, and that ended when Lapis made a sharp gesture with her hands, ripping the water wings off the corruption’s back and sending them flying toward the edge of the world. Dropping, Aquamarine reached for Lapis’ wings as replacements, tugging with her own powers to stretch the blobby appendages toward her. But that abruptly failed when Lapis tore off her own wings and threw them after Aquamarine’s, letting them both plummet instead.

Lapis landed next to Connie, her bare feet cratering the soft, dry mush of the seabed. Aquamarine landed a dozen yards away in a heap, only to scramble onto all fours, skittering and rearing around as if trying to decide which direction to run. Every direction looked equally dry, and no matter how hard she reached for it, the distant wall of water refused to come to her.

“Ha!” Lapis crowed. “You may have the edge in fanciness, you overrated water fountain, but I’m still the bulldozer here. Pick a direction: the ocean’s twice as far as you can reach no matter which way you go. Ha! Haa! Haaaaaaaoooooooooooh, whoops—”

As Lapis had been mocking, she’d failed to notice the Aquamarine’s panic burgeoning into apoplectic fury. The corruption sprinted at Lapis on all four limbs, her claws tearing gouts of sand and rock in her wake as she leapt and tackled Lapis. They became a blur of blue limbs, with Aquamarine landing on top as they struck a large outcropping of dead reef. Jagged snaggle teeth snapped at Lapis’ nose while the Aquamarine’s long claws tore at the Gem’s hair and clothes, ripping chunks out of both with each swipe.

“Aaah! Ow! Leggo! Stop being jealous!” Lapis wailed.

As Connie slid off Wolf’s flank, she pushed him forward. It was all the encouragement the hulking canine needed. He sprinted forward and shoulder-checked the corruption, knocking her off Lapis with sheer mass. Aquamarine tumbled across the sand and slammed to halt against a rectangular yellow field appearing in front of her. Before she could get up, three more force fields manifested in succession, their edges aligned to box in the corruption. Aquamarine tried to climb the smooth sides of her new cage, but a fifth force field formed awkwardly across the top of the other four, completing the cage.

Connie’s brain swam in vertigo as the fifth force field took form. She dropped to her hands and knees, distantly aware of the corruption scrabbling against the inside of its cage. Something else blue walked past Connie, and she recognized Lapis through the haze. The Gem paused long enough to draw the sword on Connie’s back before striding toward the trapped corruption.

“There’s only room in this town for one obnoxious, irresponsible, water-wielding pest,” Lapis declared, “and it’s me. Do you know why?”

“Ki-ki-ki!” Aquamarine squalled.

“BECAUSE!” Lapis grasped the sword’s hilt in both hands. “I’M!” She took a deep stance, lifting the sword to her shoulder. “BATMAN!”

Lapis swung the sword as though it were a baseball bat. The blade sheared through three of the force fields, with Aquamarine caught in the middle. A flash of blue smoke filed the space where the fields dissipated, leaving only the back and the top of the cage intact while a teardrop stone plopped into the sand.

Crouching down, Lapis collected the stone in a bubble, and sent the bubble on its way with a tap of her fingers. Then she went back to Connie and collapsed to the ground next to the girl. “Ugh. How’s the head?”

“Blergh,” Connie replied.

With her mind relieved of three-fifths of its force field responsibility, her thoughts were starting to coalesce again. She felt something rough and dry working at her forehead, and looked up to see a yellow mountain of fur lying above her head. Wolf had plopped onto the sand above her and was using his doggy kisses as a makeshift compress. Medically speaking, it wasn’t doing much, but as a placebo, it worked wonders. She reached up to tussle his ears while he kept up his ministrations.

“Why did you tell her you were Batman? Aquamarine wasn’t around for any of that conversation. I don’t think she would have gotten it. Not that she would have anyway…” Connie noted.

“Eh,” Lapis said, shrugging. “It doesn’t have to. Callback jokes are always funny as long as the audience recognized them.”

“The audience?”

“You,” Lapis said. “You’re the audience.”

Connie sighed, smiling as she felt Lapis tuck up against her side. The Gem slid her arm under Connie’s head in a makeshift pillow, for which Connie rumbled gratefully. “You’re lucky I like weird people so much.”

“Me and Pinky,” Lapis agreed. With her free hand, she brushed Connie’s hair out of her face, giving Wolf more opportunity to work his magic. “That was a good plan, getting that blue doofus caught up in a game to lure her into the middle of nowhere. Just the kind of thinking Beach City’s lone protector needs to come up with to save the day.”

“I’m not in any hurry to be a lone protector again today,” Connie admitted. Smirking, she added, “Unless Beach City’s resident water-pest is in a hurry to get back to Sub-Arctica?”

The Gem blew a long raspberry in reply. “Eternal cold and darkness, or hanging out with you? No contest. Besides, I don’t even know how I’d break the ice with the No-Fun Police down there. Metaphorically, I mean. I don’t need to break any actual… Do you hear something?”

Her thoughts clearing, Connie picked up on an irregular whirring noise that came from somewhere nearby. She and Lapis both sat up and, after a moment’s search, found a familiar shape dragging itself across the dry seabed on weakened actuators. The familiar shape, with its big red button and dented chassis, struggled in the soft sand, but persevered until it collapsed on its round stomach at Connie’s feet. A Low Power warning symbol blinked in its optical array.

“Robinson?” Connie exclaimed, bending down to examine the robonoid. It had a desiccated crab claw stuck to one of its actuators, and the others were tangled in dry strands of kelp and plastic six-pack binders. “I can’t believe you found us out here!”

“Pssh,” Lapis scoffed, curling her lip at the robonoid. “Fat lot of good you were today. Peridot is gonna be so disappointed in you.”

If ever Connie had seen a robonoid look miffed, it was Robinson. The little automaton heaved itself onto one set of legs, teetering, and then fell onto its back, pressing the red panic button. A single shrill note bleated from Robinson, and then the robonoid went silent, its eyelights growing dark.

Lapis cringed, knowing full well what the emergency signal would mean to the others. “Well, that’s a less than ideal ice breaker,” she groaned. Then she looked around at the desiccated seabed, the rising walls of water in the distance, and her own shredded appearance. “Remember, when Peridot gets here, we found everything like this.”

Connie just leaned into Lapis and sighed again. “Whatever you say, Batman,” she said.

Notes:

Cyberwraith9's Note:
With apologies to Roy Harper and Mia Dearden. I still think you’re rad.

Chapter 60: Alternate Episode - Bonnie Lockdrew/Be Wherever You Aren't

Chapter by br42

Summary:

An outline of the very different story Episode 15: Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls almost became. Warning: contains spoilers from Episode 27.

Notes:

A lot of things change as an episode approaches the front of the queue, but Ep15 was the first that turned into two complete and largely irreconcilable versions. We had to pick one and we eventually did but now, with Ep27 out there, I can share the version that didn't make the cut.

Episode 27, or at least the trickster thing, nearly happened back in Episode 15: Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls.

As that particular episode got closer a pair of competing ideas emerged within the Team for how to handle it. We all agreed it'd be Connie, Sadie, Ronaldo, and the Cool Kids watching a scary movie at Buck's house. But one idea was to put the movie as largely a background detail, some generically spooky thing Connie and co. were watching while the actual spooky stuff happened inside the house!

So we start with Connie, loaded up on negative energy after a visit to the quarry earlier in that very episode, feeling poorly. She's achy, she's cranky, and she suspects she might have come down with a cold. Part of that is her having unknowingly transferred Doug's back pain but some of it is from her negative energy payload.

Anyway, about a third of the way into the film Connie leaves to use the bathroom. A mishap with her new energy aura power (introduced in Ep14, in fact) causes the breakers to trip and the house to be plunged into darkness. Connie trips in the unfamiliar bathroom and winds up pulling the shower curtain down on her (i.e. canon!Peridot in the bathroom callback) and generally causing quite the embarrassing ruckus, helplessly tangled up by the time Sadie arrives, flashlight in hand, to check on her.

Ronaldo gets the power back on, Connie swears she's okay and in fact feeling a lot better actually and-can-we-please-stop-focusing-on-the-embarrassed-13-year-old-and-HEY-Let's-finish-the-movie!, and they resume watching Bonnie Lockdrew.

Then strange things start happening... In the house! Snacks and personal effects start disappearing or getting moved around, strange noises can be heard from empty rooms, lights are turned on and off, and eventually someone gets bitten by something and starts acting really weird!

Ronaldo declares that the horror movie has breached into their dimension and become real (or that this is all an amazing LARP experience put on by the Sadie, Jenny, and Buck). As the eerie happenings continue (and the bitten person gets worse/weirder) Sadie gets on board and resumes her genre-savvy 'I'm too familiar with these tropes to die!' persona from Ep8. They attempt to leave, find the exits gunked with a mysterious black substance, so they resolve to hunt down the monster in the house.

Cue hunt, more bites, Ronaldo (who may or may not have been bitten in a recent skirmish) runs off and barricades himself in the basement. Sadie starts to break down the door when everyone realizes that they're just not that invested in Ronaldo anyway and agree to leave him to his crazy while they deal with the real problem.

Sadie: Everyone stand back. I'm going to break the door down.

Jenny: Hold up, Shortcake. Watchin' you go 'action girl' on things is cool 'n all, but, uh, do we really need Ronaldo with us for this?

Buck: He is the platonic ideal of someone mad in the basement. We should allow him this moment of being.

Connie: Actually, yeah, I think I'd honestly feel safer with Ronaldo not in on the monster hunt.

Sadie: Oh, okay. Well, I guess I can just... not kick the door in then. [grabs weapon] Let's go!

Continue hunt, discover the trickster that was unknowingly spawned during Connie's tumble in the dark and snuck off before she noticed. They dispatch it and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

They try to coax Ronaldo out of hiding but he's shouting crazy stuff through the door about the monster just being a symptom, the disease still lingers, and so on. So... crazy. They bait him out by expressing interest in conspiracies but deliberately getting them all wrong, all while pretending they can't understand his shouted corrections through the door. Eventually Ronaldo runs out to correct them, gets tackled and restrained by Sadie, and then Connie tries to purge him of negative energy.

Jenny: "The moon landing was, like, a hoax by the cheese companies to keep their moon cheese monopoly by convincing the world the moon is made of rocks."

Ronaldo: [runs out] "NO! THE MOON LANDING WAS REAL BUT IT WAS BACKED BY THE KANSAS MOVIE INDUSTRY WHO WANTED THE SECRET HOLOGRAM TECHNOLOGY TRAPPED ON THE LUNAR FORTRESS! HOWEVER, THE DOOR WAS LOCKED SO THEY- GAH!" [tackled by Sadie]

Nothing happens. Oh, he really is just crazy.

Cue emotional trigger and Connie summons another trickster in full view of everyone (Ronaldo: "I WAS RIGHT!").

There's a frenzied attempt to hunt it down, final fight scene, and success!

The group goes to try and leave but finds the exists still gunked. Then they hear sounds of large paws scratching at the front door, maybe some growling and heavy breathing from something big as everyone cowers. And then... the gunk sealing the door vanishes. Eventually someone opens it to check what's out there and they find nothing, although it smells suspiciously like dog breath for some reason.

End episode.

Notes:

So there you have it. Connie almost got her trickster power 13 episodes earlier, for all the good and ill that'd entail.

Chapter 61: The End of an Era - The Unbroken Fortress

Chapter by br42, BurdenKing

Summary:

A gem seeks to learn about the end of the era, of the unbroken fortress, the Ziggurat.

Notes:

BR42 here. This is a canon omake written by BurdenKing, a little historical context about a part of the Connie Swap AU. Namely, the Ziggurat.

In the show, there's only this about the Ziggurat:
Pearl: I can't believe it! Rose said she lost track of you at the battle for the Ziggurat! She was worried sick!

In Connie Swap we've ran with that, saying in Ep23Ch3,

Jasper answered, her deep voice echoing slightly in the enclosed space. "Citrine said you were lost outside the Ziggurat fighting for the rebellion."

Deep context, that, especially since it's established in both canon and CS that the Crystal Gem leader in question was lying their facets off when they said it.

Anyway, BurdenKing wrote this omake as a way to expand on this oh-so-vague bit of the setting. This may be the first in a series and it is 100% canonical. It bears pointing out that this is BurdenKing's omake, not my own, I just proofed it and posted it. Thanks for filling in a bit more of this vast canvas that is Connie Swap, Burden.

Enjoy.

You entered the ancient spire’s inner rooms, walking past recently added terminals that clashed with their Era 2 aesthetic forcing itself through the Era 1 architecture, and progressed past them all. You weren’t looking for terminals, they were filled with stories that were filtered or edited out on the whims of those in power, but a Jade. Jades were rare now, many having been harvested or shattered after the war to erase that period of history from existence, the gems little-missed with the creation of Era 2 archives and records to replace them. Some however still remained, tucked away by Homeworld and forgotten by all. The one you sought now was tasked with cataloging and maintaining the second greatest archive in the empire, falling short only of the one on Homeworld.

The gem you sought was hunched over a table, reading data faster than the computers could, sorting and compiling perhaps a thousand years’-worth of history, reports, personal stories, and documents in mere moments. You wondered what you would see if you could enter such a state of absolute knowledge yourself, how your own gem could handle the weight of a million stories from a million points of view all at once.

“You would overheat, melt, and shatter after viewing but a few hundred years,” said the Jade, whose tired gaze lifted from her data and rested on you. “You all have the same expression and thoughts when you come to visit. You wonder if you can handle it, that reading and understanding it all can’t require an Era 1 gem in all their power to accomplish. It’s gems like you who make the terminals and the databases and the archives. The ones who watch them fill to the brim, overflow, and become a torrent of dates and information that melts into itself like a decaying world of ages past,” the Jade said. Standing and towering over you, she reached and grabbed hold of a tablet stored on a shelf three times your height. “What is it you want? The history of your Diamond? Your gem line’s history? Perhaps you wish to learn about how a certain planet you’ve helped conquer was discovered?”

You shake your head, explaining your purpose there and watching the Jade’s hollow and nearly closed eyes widen and seem to once more obtain a fire in them. “Y-you wish to know that? T-the Diamonds made sure no mention of it would exist beyond a very limited group of gems, how did y… what? Of course I know, I have seen the rise and fall of the first era, my gem has been witness to the creation of Yellow and Blue Diamond as well as our lost Diamond Pink. To dare question my...n-no, I...Yes, I will tell you. But I shall begin with a story of Homeworld’s strength, lest I be caught speaking out of turn. Sit down, it is a long story and you Era 2s tend to move if idle too long.”

---

In the waning millennia of the first era, the planet Earth was plunged into a conflict never before seen by gemkind. Not one against native populations or deadly wildlife, but against other gems. Lead by a pair of Quartz soldiers created by Pink Diamond, Citrine and Rose Quartz, these rebels clashed with Homeworld over the fate of Pink Diamond’s colony. The rebels used tactics and strategies that Homeworld had never seen, and gems tasked with their duties to aid Homeworld’s very infrastructure on the planet turned on their betters. Peridots sabotaged ships and defenses, Novaculites tampered with warp pads to send reinforcements away or allow rebels to enter secure sites, and there is even stories of Sapphires fusing with Rubies to form abominable forms. It was a time where Homeworld lost much and Pink Diamond, the inexperienced ruler she was, suffered embarrassment after embarrassment against her traitorous foes. At least, in the beginning.

While our lost Diamond may have been inexperienced, she was not dull or idle in the war. She learned rapidly, developed her mind and armies every battle until she began to more effectively fight the rebels. The Diamond used gems like the rebels did, finding new ways for gems to aid the fight. Peridots took the field, Aquamarines acted as scouts, and Zircons analyzed battle plans. In fighting her enemy, Pink Diamond learned and improved with every battle. With time, her forces began to grow too clever for the rebels. Given time, this change in tactics and Pink’s access to the unlimited supplies of the empire would mean the destruction of the rebellion.

Knowing that the tide was turning, and that defeat looked close, the rebels decided to commit to a desperate gamble: they would assault the Great Ziggurat and take it for their own.

The Ziggurat was once the control station for a series of massive earthbound anti-orbital cannons meant to destroy incoming spatial debris that threatened the planet, a great structure of polished black rock and volcanic glass. But while it was meant to defend the planet from destructive forces, the rebels saw a way to use it to not only shift the tides of war, but to possibly push Homeworld away from Earth forever. If the rebels could take the fortress, and the cannons, they would control what could and could not fly in the solar system. Homeworld’s control over the skies and their ability to coordinate would be destroyed within moments with but a few volleys of the cannons.

Pink Diamond had not considered this, as the cannons were anti-asteroid guns by design, it did not occur to her as many things did to think outside the intended purpose of the cannons. The rebels sought to use this oversight to their advantage and would try and fail many times over the course of the war to secure the Ziggurat. It and it alone of Homeworld's possessions remained inviolate, something not even true of our sadly shattered Pink Diamond's own inner sanctum.

This account is of the rebels' first and largest attempt to take the Ziggurat. Dozens of spies and traitors were smuggled in, each with missions to soften the base.

Attacks were made all over to pull Homeworld armies away from the Ziggurat’s walls and to leave it under-defended. And false information was leaked to make it so Homeworld’s fleets would be far from the battle when it occurred. The rebels prepared and planned for everything, for they knew if they failed, defeat would be only a matter of time. However, they failed to plan on two things: The Onyx that commanded the Ziggurat and much of Pink’s army, and the Pearls she kept in her care.

This Onyx, the last of three sister gems that had once overseen the military forces of Homeworld before the rebellion, was the commander of Pink Diamond’s terrestrial forces. She had seen every tactic, every strategy, and every trick the rebels and their Quartz leaders had ever used against Homeworld. And she had learned. Her fortress knew an attack was coming, that they were vulnerable without the fleet or nearby forces, and so she had prepared for an attack. She brought in personal forces, called in favors with those she knew from other colonies to acquire more troops, and she made sure every single gem under her command was not only one she knew but one who knew how to fight. The gems of the Ziggurat were trained together, and were ready to fight for one another.

And while the saboteurs and spies would normally have succeeded, the dozens of Pearls that lived there with the Onyx stopped them. The Onyx collected Pearls, damaged or forgotten or left without an owner, and housed them in her Ziggurat. She protected and cared for them, appearing a deviant to the remaining orthodox gems that were stationed there, and not caring for the stares and whispers. Almost every day, the halls were filled with song and Pearls flew from room to room, passing on messages and taking notice of everything so their caretaker could know how great her Ziggurat was. Even those broken or damaged she cherished, and the ballets and shows they performed were unlike anything in the empire. These shows were said to be beloved by Pink Diamond, so much so she always tried to attend whenever the war allowed her. The Pearls were Onyx’s eyes and ears, and they heard and saw all. Even the whispers and subtle movements of the gems who sought the Ziggurats ruin, for a Pearl is so easily forgotten and unnoticed.

In this moment of history, the rebels were undone by the very thing that made them strong. Pearls used not as decoration but as security measures, and a general who was just as clever as their own. When the rebels came, they all came. The largest gathering of rebel forces in the war appeared from every direction, and charged the walls. They were met with the defensive weapons firing and the gates remaining shut. The rebels knew immediately their agents had failed, and as they crashed against the wall and found it decorated with numerous colors, they knew their agents would never come back.

So what was meant to be an assault became a siege, a lengthy one that threw whatever time the rebels had out the window. They tried to break through, to force their way in despite the failure of their plans, but the walls resisted their lightning, the soldiers stood past waves of fear and doubt, and the Onyx sat in her main hall, content to listen to her Pearls sing over the rebels desperate attack.

Soon, the fleet came back, and Homeworld’s scattered armies began to return, and the rebels ran. Many were slain, many were captured, and all were scattered to the winds. Homeworld had won decisively, and Pink Diamond had a chance to finish the broken rebellion once and for all.

Or so it seemed. The rebels regrouped, endured, adapted, and in time would shatter Pink Diamond and dominate the planetary conflict. The war would be a long one, and grim, more so probably than either side could know.

---

“But that is a story for another time,” said the Jade, turning back to her work. “Come back later if you wish to hear more, I’ve spent enough time entertaining you today.” The archivist shooed you away, and ignored you as she returned to the sea of history laid out before her. A thousand perceptions of a thousand events, events you would soon learn of when you next returned.

Turning away, you left the archives, passing forgotten terminals and imagining the history that lay forgotten in those halls.

Notes:

If you're curious where the whole 'Jades as living archives' thing came from, that's us grabbing a piece of Cyberwraith9's excellent The Stranger in Me and running with it. Well worth reading if you haven't already.

Chapter 62: A Couple of Clods

Chapter by BinaryGeek, br42

Summary:

After Peridot finds out about Connie and Steven's new relationship status, Lapis tries to defuse the situation.

Notes:

BR42 here. BinaryGeek continues his tenure as a sterling omake writer, adding more slices to this slice of life series. This omake is set some time following Ep29 and builds off of NeonJohn's wonderful, embraced-as-canon comic that I'm including below. Anyway, this is BinaryGeek's omake, not my own. I merely proofread it and posted it.

Enjoy.

Peridot paced with intent . Every time she turned to continue pacing, a wave of relief fell over Lapis that she hadn’t instead continued on to storm out and, Lapis would have to assume, kill the boy. The situation with Connie had been hard enough on the green gem, but finding out that she was dating Steven…

Lapis decided to try and help defuse the situation a little, because she was just the coolest of Connie’s guardians. Definitely not because she felt slightly responsible given how she had alerted Peridot to the situation somewhat… unsubtly.

“It’s not the end of the world - we know him, and they are just a couple,” the blue gem tried.

“Just a couple!” Peridot scoffed, as she turned to face Lapis in a motion that was somehow extremely angry. “A couple of clods!”

“Who knows what he’ll do to her! Do you know what coupling is?! He’s biological Lapis! They are slaves to their…” Peridot paused to consider her tone and spat out the word like it was obscene: “ urges !”

“Oh, please!” Lapis said derisively, “Pinkie is such a gentleman I’ve been starting to believe Kansas has mislead me about the behaviour of young humans.”

“Well, if I had never been to a club I would,” she digressed. “I still can’t believe the number of people willing to grab the ass of a bright blue alien. They don’t even know if I have an ass! It could be like, another mouth that’ll bite their hand off.”

Peridot looked at Lapis with an expression that radiated a complete lack of amusement.

Lapis fished further for a response with a gesture towards the unamused gem’s limb enhancers. “Oh, don’t worry P - they were probably too impressed by your hardware to think about the firmware underneath,” Lapis comforted with a perfectly executed straight face, and - in her own estimation - a tone so dry others would have to assume hydrokinesis was involved.

Peridot finally snapped, her voice raising to a shout as she refuted the implication “I am not bemoaning the lack of humans attempting to manipulate my… butt!”

Lapis snorted, before getting a twinkle in her eye and making a lunge to do some manipulation of her own.

---

Peridot sat on Lapis’ hands as the blue gem sat in the rafters. With a sigh, she resigned herself to her fate - a fate where her butt reamined a hostage until the flight-enabled gem chose to release her captive.

“So anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted-” Lapis began, pausing for a second to see if Peridot would take the bait.

She did not.

“I was going to say that Steven reminds me of this poor Ruby I saw one time. She had literally just popped out of the ground, and this Agate was going nuts about some giant rock that needed moving for some stupid reason. So anyway, she just points at a handful of Rubies and tells them to fuse and move the thing. This new Ruby just looks terrified. Freezes up while the Agate is screaming at her. She just runs at the other Rubies, and it was like bowling pins going over.”

“She had a fear of it after that. Fuse-shy. Scared that the other Rubies would reject her, I guess. Steven’s been wearing that look for months now so I don’t think he’s  going to be making the first move.”

Peridot made a nasal ‘hmm’ that could mean anything, after which Lapis continued.

“Don’t get me wrong, if Con-con asked him to jump off a bridge, he would, but I don’t see him starting anything, and Connie clearly isn’t jumping into anything too fast.”

“Maybe,” Peridot mildly demurred, before quickly getting herself worked up again. “But you do realise that human physical coupling also fulfills the reproduction role for the species! I do not wish to see Connie become a kindergarten. Do I really need to remind you about her mother!”

Lapis bopped the technician on the head softly, the memory foam-like hair squishing before pinging back into its natural shape. “You are getting ahead of yourself. Connie’s smart, and Steven’s… well, he’s not that stupid. It’ll be fine. The worst those two will do is smooch a little or whatever.”

Peridot still managed to look scandalised at the thought. Lapis sighed internally and notched up another point in how cool she was and how lucky Connie was that the Lapis Lazuli was around to protect her interests: it was time to shift the topic before the kids got a new minimum-distance rule.

“Look it could be worse, they could both be gems and we could be worrying about them fusing and causing a whole heap of trouble.”

Peridot allowed herself a chuckle at the thought, despite her concerns. Lazuli’s ridiculous suggestion conjured a mental image of the lumpy blob that would no doubt arise from Steven’s organic mass being mixed into Connie’s form. It was an amusing, if rather darkly grotesque, idea.

“Yes, Connie could enjoy all the benefits of merging their powers. Their fusion would probably be able to digest twice the amount of food at once! Expel twice as often! Truly a fearsome prospect.”

“Do you think Connie even could fuse? With another gem, of course. I mean, she has shape-shifted, so her body is capable of changing,” Lapis pointed out as she posited the question.

Peridot shrugged. “As with most things, it’s an unknown - the two phenomena do not share a causal link the other way, in any case.”

“Honestly, Dot, I think she needs it - a human outlet,” Lapis began haltingly, “We… we aren’t human.”

“What an insight. Thanks for informing me,” Peridot said very dryly - a delivery Lapis respected.

“What I mean is, she spends her life trying to live up to Citrine, to be a Crystal Gem, to get everything right. She doesn’t just take our word for it-”

Peridot started to interrupt and Lapis cut her off before she could start down that bad path “-whatever problems that might cause - she always makes important decisions for herself. That’s… not easy.”

Lapis felt her own dark emotional depths yawn briefly open and squeezed Peridot to herself - a little like a stuffed animal - before slamming that mess shut with extreme prejudice.

“Being human, doing some human things, having an experience that doesn’t suck for a bit and feels right… Yeah, I think she could use that - even if it does mean she kisses a boy even you have to admit is a good egg... She can’t get that from us.”

“I know, it’s just… she used to be so… controllable ,” Peridot said with a loving sigh.

“Since Steven became her friend she has done a lot, and she’s been so much happier. It’s not like Doug will let them get up to too much anyway,” Lapis said to the gem in her lap.

“You don’t think she was happy before?” Peridot said in an unusually small voice, looking up at Lapis with a vulnerability that was unexpected. “I hoped… I know we aren’t human but I hoped she thought of us as family. Of me as-”

Lapis lent down and kissed the triangular gem embedded in the forehead below her, slamming the breaks on Peridot’s self-pity spiral.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Lapis began, her softer tone betraying the rebuke of any real edge. “Of course we are a family for her. A weird family full of idiots, and me - of course, but a family nonetheless. And of course she’s been happy! Come on. We just can’t be everything to her. She doesn’t just need more than that, she deserves it. She picked him, and - for better or worse - we have to respect that-”

“Choice,” Peridot finished in a groan as she heard Citrine’s words coming from Lapis’ mouth.

“Yeah, I mean, I didn’t want to say it, but you realise you were just talking about maintaining control over Citrine’s daughter, right? That was never going to last, P.”

Peridot sighed deeply, but there was no counter-argument. Lapis took that as her win and the two sat there in silence, close and contented to remain so for a minute longer.

Finally Lapis released her captive. From her position sitting in the rafters.

Peridot’s surprised yelp as she fell was just a little bonus.

Chapter 63: Same Old Steven

Chapter by br42, citrusella

Summary:

Steven, trying to come to terms with what happened between him and Connie following Episode 16, decides to talk to his close friend Neimaat. He quickly gets more than he bargained for, but maybe that's just what he needs.

Notes:

BR42 here. Citrusella delivers an omake I've been long awaiting which shows a bit more about how the post-Loud and Clear status quo was for Steven. Not only does it fill in some very crucial off-camera time but it brings back the delightful Neimaat. I'm pleased as punch that citrusella wrote this and I hope you enjoy it as well. This omake is 100% canonical and takes place between Episodes 16 and 17. Anyway, this is citrusella's omake, not my own. I merely proofread it and posted it.

If you don't recall who Steven's brass buddy is then I highly recommend you check out Self, the second chapter of which is considered Connie Swap canon. Actually, I recommend it even if you do remember who Neimaat is: it's a great fic.

In hindsight, it might have been best not to go to the boardwalk so soon after what had happened. He wasn't sure how much of him regretted it and how much of him was deeply, intensely focused on every new thing.

It was weird, as if every little thing he'd never noticed so sharply before was suddenly an important piece of information to his brain, even though sometimes he wasn't even sure what it was. Seagulls attacking Peedee in his Frybo costume—at most just muted "boops" before, followed by a guttural yell from the fellow teen. A skateboard scratching and rolling itself across the boardwalk on its way to Funland—it used to just be a low rumble to him. An intermittent high-pitched noise it took Steven a couple minutes to realize was the jingle of a bell on Fish Stew Pizza's door. (Had he ever even heard that at all? He knew he'd seen the bell, but…)

He felt like the main character in Chaz, with the Intercept downloaded into him, when all he wanted to be was Chaz's sister, Elsie. Or maybe Elsie's boyfriend, Commander Awesomesauce.

Steven knew that wasn't the only thing running through his head, but he was loath to think about the other, more complex (intense? turbulent?) things his train of thought seemed to occasionally want to careen toward. Especially when "loud", "different", and "what the heck was that" seemed to interject themselves back into the forefront at an almost-rhythmic pace, derailing any chance at giving deeper things thought. His internal conversation rambled and crashed into itself more than anything he'd ever said aloud had, and in ways he wasn't sure Mom, Dad, Jeff, Peedee, even Connie would fully understand. He'd tried talking to them about it, but something was just… missing.

Home again, Steven cracked open his laptop and navigated almost by muscle memory to FriendBase. His mind was somewhere else, and in a way, it was understandable with everything going on. The past week or so had been… interesting and a little terrifying, to say the least, and the fact that everyone was willing to discuss it but still didn't quite get it—hadn't quite lived it—was nice but wasn't helping him here. He exhaled with purpose.

Neimaat. Neimaat was what was missing.

He clicked on her name in his friend list. She was online. He scrolled through some recent statuses—mostly about school and her friends and ideas about the upcoming summer—before clicking the button to send a message.

…But what to say? The whole story? Helpful but probably too in-your-face. But anything shorter seemed like it wasn't enough!

Ugh. He pressed his face into his palms. Even things that should have felt easy were confusing now! He typed a short message and drew in a breath as he waited for a reply.

Steven U.	hey
	how ru

The next reply came 30 seconds later, but to Steven, that felt like an eternity and a lightning strike all at once.

Neimaat B.	sup
	lol
	great, my finals are finally over, im ready to get all that awesome sun we TOTALLY get here on the tropical beaches that definitely exist in empire city xD
	no actually were going on a trip later today
	whats up with you

Oh. Shoot. Maybe he shouldn't have led with that kind of pleasantry, the kind that of course she would have asked back and now of course he had to answer it.

Steven U.	ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i'm fine
	i guess

The wait for her next message was more palpable than her previous ones, but it was clear that she'd spent the extra time putting more thought into her words.

Neimaat B.	…………dude. nobody puts that many m's in um and is fine
	especially when they have to put i guess in a 2nd message
	whats really going on

Steven hesitated, but he knew he wouldn't be able to keep the cat in the bag too much longer, especially when said cat was the whole reason he'd even decided to message her today in the first place. He sighed and took the plunge.

Steven U.	uh
	well
	i'm hearing now?

Neimaat's confusion at such a not-at-all-elucidating message was clear in the fact that it took two whole minutes for her to formulate a response.

Neimaat B.	whats that supposed to mean
Steven U.	like
	i don't need to wear my hearing aids anymore
Neimaat B.	what like
	a ci
	hate to break it to you but a ci doesn't just magically make you hearing any more than a ha does man
	lol
Steven U.	its funny u mention magic
	because um
	that's actually what i meant when i said i'm hearing now
	i don't really know how to explain it other than that????????????????

Steven took in a nervous breath as he watched the dots that signified Neimaat taking a rather long time to write a response. They bounced up and down in a sequential rhythm that would have been satisfying if the situation weren't, well, this one.

	·..
	.·.
	..·

Finally, after what seemed like five hours (but was really five minutes), messages began rolling in fast.

Neimaat B.	i
	don't understand
	you should prob be glad I have taken a break from cussing at the moment because im having lots of thoughts and most of them start with
	WHAT THE
	.
	anyway
	·..
	im coming down there

Steven's eyes widened; this felt like the opposite of what he wanted. How would she even— Was her trip to Delmarva?! He typed fervently in response, so fast that most of the messages didn't even make sense.

Steven U.	WHAT
	NEIMAAT
	NO
	I DIDN'T
	HOW ARE YOU GOING T
	O DO TAHT
	we don't even live in the same state
	NEIMAAT

…She was offline.

---

Steven bounced on his heels, restless worry present in his every feature as he obsessively checked his phone, waiting to see if the little orange indicator would change to a green one.

It finally did, two hours later, the girl presumably just now seeing some of the frantic messages he'd left just before as well as after she logged off.

Steven U.	omg
	I'm sorry
	please don't be mad at me
	hello
Neimaat B.	calm down curly top
	im not mad
	just
	weirded out
	i thought i might understand if we talked in person about it
	so i convinced my dad to take a detour
	its not too far out of our way so its not like ill miss my cousins wedding or anything
	just maybe be a day late for all the pre wedding stuff she wants to do
	which my dad is all over (srsly he was down for this in like 2 secs)
	he doesn't really like her that much and she knows this is pretty much the worst time of summer to have the wedding for most of the family
	its a little rude of her
	but anyway we're on the road now and we'll be there in like an hour or something so prepare yourself for my wonderous presence
	lol

Steven inhaled sharply. Was an hour enough time? He rushed down the stairs and called out.

"Mom? Dad?"

When he got no response, he began to walk through the house, wondering if they were busy and just hadn't heard him; he had looked in a smatter of rooms before he remembered the dead silence—with the exception of a faint song he wasn't sure he recognized filtering in from a radio left on in the instrument shop—wasn't really a normal amount of sound in his house. He searched his mind, trying to figure out if he'd been told wherever the heck his parents had gone, then recalled that in his worry over Neimaat, he'd brushed off that his dad was heading to the car wash and his mom had gone out to the post office to pick up a large sousaphone that no one except Mrs. Miller was even willing to lift, let alone deliver.

He shot his mom a text—Hey, Neimaat is on a trip with her family and wants to stop by if its ok—since she'd probably get home first, then got to work preparing. He was partway through straightening up the coffee table when his phone unexpectedly vibrated and played its bright alert tone, causing him to jump and drop a small handful of sheet music to the floor before fishing the device out of his pocket to look at the message it had delivered.

* Mom - 04:53pm | Strange, but okay. Anything you need me to get?
* StUn - 04:53pm | Maybe some chips? DEFINITELY some lemonade since I'm not sure we have time to make some before she gets here.
* Mom - 04:55pm | Okay. I think I can pick that up on the way. See you soon!

---

He hadn't realized that he had been so noisy in the kitchen. Well, he had realized—it wasn't an uncommon thing when you weren't always sure how loud you were being—but it had never bothered him before. But now? To him? The clanging dishes and slamming cabinets were more like a discordant percussion section in the world's most annoying orchestra than a routine reassuring rhythm of his home. Try as he might, though, the habit just wouldn't die… but it had to, because he had snack sushi to make!

And that was how Mom had arrived home with two jugs of lemonade and an assortment of chips (and a box approximately the size of Steven housing an instrument) to find her son's hearing aid batteries on the counter, the inert earmolds shoved into his ears as makeshift earplugs, with a pair of Greg's noise-canceling headphones over top of them for good measure, a workaround that shut out enough sound that in the meantime he didn't have to worry about his stoneware-shaking drum solo. And it worked, too; with him so engrossed in the snack-making process—and occasionally stealing a bite of a finished roll—she'd needed to tap his shoulder to get his attention and everything, gesturing for him to take the headphones off, which he obliged.

"I got…" she tallied the number absently in ASL on one hand while rifling through the bag with the other before saying it aloud, "six different bags of chips. We, heh, probably don't need that many, but they were on sale, and I figured it would give us some variety. Even if it means we have enough to keep us set for a couple months!" She gave her son an awkward laugh as she took the jugs out of the other bag. "And I sprung for the fancy lemonade since an old lady in the juice aisle said the one I was going to buy tastes like plastic, and I figured plastic-ade wouldn't go over well. With anyone." Steven shook his head at the disgusting idea, eliciting another short chuckle out of his mom. "Alright, then. Help me get this stuff put up? Maybe you can help me get the sousaphone on display in the shop, too."

Steven nodded, putting the jugs in the fridge and opting to leave the chips on the counter for now. It wasn't until they each had their hand on one end of a sousaphone box and were halfway through the door to the shop that Mom spoke once more.

"What brings her over anyway?"

Steven paled, stammered, and almost dropped the box. "I… I just… I wanted to talk about things." He walked forward into the shop, allowing the two of them to put the box down in an empty space on the floor and take a seat for the moment. Mom turned the still-playing radio off and looked expectantly at Steven, hoping for more explanation but clearly not wanting to pry, especially when she was pretty sure about what he meant.

He sighed and looked down at his hands as they clenched and unclenched, moving like he wasn't sure whether he was going to sign or not. "Kind of like I talked to you and Dad. Or my other friends. But…"

"Different," she finished. He nodded, reaching up to fiddle with a hearing aid… then noticed he had left the aids-as-earplugs in his ears without realizing when he'd taken the headphones off. He smiled quietly as he removed them, turning them over in his hands before placing them on a nearby counter.

He pushed a curl out of his face before continuing, this time signing as the words spilled from his mouth, his voice unsure but his hands somehow very much the opposite. "It's not that all of you wouldn't understand, but… you and Dad and Jeff and Peedee, you don't… I mean… you're not deaf… and Connie's deaf now but she's new to it and I don't wanna bother her with my own stuff when she's probably even more scared than she looks at all the new stuff she has going on right now, and even though sometimes she talks about how everyone treats her because she's half gem and half human the same way as I talked to her about how I felt about being deaf, it's not… really… the same thing as—" His mom wasn't stopping him, just listening patiently, but he'd caught himself starting to ramble and stopped self-consciously anyway.

"Neimaat and I are… the same—or… we used to be, anyway." He furrowed his brow. "Maybe we still are? So I thought I could talk to her about it. I messaged her on FriendBase because I felt like I should tell her, and then I thought I made her mad, but it turned out she was just off asking her dad to drive here and getting onto the road, and her family is taking the trip because they're going to her cousin's wedding but they're gonna be a day late because they're coming here—"

"Wait, you're pulling her away from going to a wedding?" His mother wore an expression that looked like it didn't know if it was incredulous or angry, and her tone and volume were just sharp enough to make Steven wince, which in turn caused her to withdraw just a little.

"Well, actually just the days before the wedding. Plus I think her dad's kinda peeved about going anyway because apparently he jumped on this?" he answered nervously, rubbing the back of his head.

It was her turn to furrow her brow in response to that, mostly because she wasn't sure how to take it. Luckily, she wasn't given too long to think, the muted tone of the doorbell hammering its way through the walls of the house and into the shop. She looked to Steven as he exhaled unsurely.

Neimaat was here.

---

Answering the door was such a mundane action, but as he cracked it open, Steven felt like he was walking out into a crowd of people poised to hate him. Or at least he felt like how he felt before he went to the pizza shop to talk with Connie a few months back.

Why was he like this? It was Neimaat. His brass buddy. He'd be fine.

Right?

When the door opened fully, he found himself looking square into a very familiar face. Neimaat's hair was tied into the same braid she never seemed to ever have down, the end wrapped around the index finger of her left hand as she looked around, seeming to survey the street as well as the town beyond.

His nerves softened. Just a little.

She whipped around to look at her parents' car and signed something that wasn't completely understandable from behind—Steven guessed from what he could see that it was something like "don't let Mom drive away yet"—then turned to face the doorway once more, her eyes meeting his.

"Hey," she smiled, signing as she spoke. "Your pictures don't do this place justice."

Steven froze for a moment—it's just a simple statement, it's fine—before attempting to shake it off with a smile of his own and a sweeping gesture into the house. "I think my pictures of inside might have done too much justice. Heh."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, smirk evident on her lip, as she passed him and entered the house, before turning to face him and saying matter-of-factly, "Nope, it's just as messy as your pictures and videos."

Yep. Same old Neimaat. The rest of his nerves seemed to melt away.

Mom spoke up from further back in the entryway, commanding the attention of the two for a moment. "Would you like anything to drink? Or snack on? We have chips and lemonade. Oh, and tea… but the pitcher in the refrigerator is a little… let's just say I can make more. And of course, there's always water…"

Neimaat smiled in a way that was mostly warm but with a tinge of awkward tagging along. She gave a hmm as she thought for a moment. "Part of me thinks I should say no, but lemonade sounds nice."

Mary nodded. "Okay, I'll go pour a glass once you guys are settled. Are you guys staying around until tomorrow or something or just stopping in quick and hitting the road?"

"Well, my cousin wants us there quick… but I think my parents are planning on finding a hotel and staying around until morning."

"Oh? Would you maybe… like to stay here instead? I'm pretty sure the closest hotel's outside of town proper, so it might be easier. And definitely cheaper. And it'd give us time to catch up with your parents." Mary looked slightly nostalgic, as if remembering a similar situation long ago.

"Yeah! And Ali can stay in the Mellow Room!" Steven giggled, seemingly half joking and half serious.

Mary's eyes widened. "No. He most certainly will not," she looked to Neimaat, her voice softening, "but we have lots of furniture to sleep on—I think one of the couches around here might be a pull-out, but I've never actually looked—and we can also clear floor space if you'd rather have a mattress… lots of options."

Neimaat seemed to ruminate on this awhile before nodding. She ran quickly out the door and to the car, returning just as quickly as the car sped off.

The slight smile Steven had inadvertently found himself wearing fell. "They said no?"

"What? Oh! No, they said that was great—they just wanted to explore the city. Probably the best option, too. I think this would have been awkward with them hovering around."

Steven's nerves seemed to crash back into him full force; he had almost forgotten why she had come.

He reached up to fiddle with a not-present hearing aid and decided to go through with the action anyway by switching to pulling at his earlobe. "…It's already awkward."

---

Steven's empty glass of lemonade sat next to Neimaat's three-quarter-full one.

He'd deftly avoided having to explain the "how" for a spell, managing to get onto the subjects of hearing new things—Neimaat remarked that it seemed similar to how she'd notice new sounds all the time back when she was younger and getting her implant mapped more often—and how he'd been teaching his new friends sign.

But eventually the truth had to come out, and strangely, it was easier than he'd thought, despite the highly confused look on his friend's face… though it might have just seemed easier due to the copious amounts of lemonade he felt the full-on need to drink after practically every line.

"Okay… so… to get this straight… you guys talked about a bunch of serious stuff you don't wanna get into in specific but you felt I needed to know was serious…"

He nodded.

"And then you touched foreheads and her chest—"

"Gem."

"—gem… it started… glowing."

He smiled, but it looked more like a cringe, as if it expressed his feeling at what came next.

"And then… everything was super loud and you realized you weren't deaf anymore and Connie… was?"

"…Yeah." The sign for "yes" wasn't really easy to stumble over, but he somehow managed that at the precise moment the spoken word caught in his throat.

"I guess that makes a little more sense than if you'd just magically ended up not deaf and she was still hearing. I mean, maybe not really all that much, but… this is too weird, I dunno where I'm going with this." Her face wore an expression that made it obvious all possible permutations of this situation made just about the same amount of sense—none at all. But hey, even 1.1 times zero is still zero.

Her words tapering off, the room plunged into awkward silence because, honestly, what could you really follow that up with? Steven rubbed the back of his left hand, somehow looking as if he wished he could literally see into his brain. Neimaat, for her part, was the first to break the silence, though she herself seemed to still be ruminating over what exactly had been explained to her.

"…So… is that it?" She seemed to want to ask a follow up question but appeared to be unsure of what to ask exactly.

"I mean… that's not all I'm really thinking about… but it's the whole story?" The end of Steven's sentence practically squeaked, his tone rising up into a question despite him clearly not asking one. Steven looked uncomfortably into the girl's eyes before averting his gaze and looking at his clasped hands. He wished he had some more lemonade to occupy his hands and his mouth, but getting a fresh glass would have required him walking close enough to make out the hushed conversation he could vaguely hear Mom having with Dad, who had arrived home, been surprised Neimaat was there, and then gotten pulled by his wife into the kitchen.

"Okay… so… what are you thinking about that you're not telling me?"

"I…" The words caught in his throat. "I'm afraid of what other people might think. I guess. I'm—You know how some people think about stuff like this." She nodded but didn't interrupt. "And I mean I guess I get it, too—I'm not sure how I'd feel about it either if it hadn't, y'know, happened to me," he sighed—he still wasn't quite sure how he felt about it even now, but it was his life at present and he'd have to adjust, "but… gosh. I don't know. I guess… I'm not deaf anymore but I still… feel deaf?"

The words settled on the room for a few silent seconds before she responded. Her voice seemed to melt into the house's resident melody, and her hands seemed to blend into her shirt despite the fact that that was nigh-impossible on the solid powder blue color she was wearing. "I get it."

"…Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I guess my cochlear implant's not exactly the same—but then what is with the whole 'magical girl took your deafness' thing?—but," she hesitated, as if trying to pick the best way to phrase it, "you've got, like, most people, who are just fine or whatever or maybe they don't think about it… or maybe they do but that doesn't matter when they're actually talking to people, and then you have everyone else: the people who think it's a little weird and you can tell they think that but don't outright say it, or the people who think you don't sign if you have one, or the people who think you're single-handedly, like, kidnapping all deaf babies everywhere." She snorted as if such statements were simultaneously understandable and yet completely nonsensical. "And at the end of the day, you just never really figure out a nice neat way to respond to the really out-there stuff because you're… still deaf. Even if it's not exactly in the same way other people are."

Steven shifted in his seat. She'd hit the nail on the head a little too hard. He forced a smile and tried to come up with something to break the tension, even if it was only really him who was feeling it. "I guess on the flipside I should also be glad I don't know anyone who would be, like, freaky happy about it. Like, the weird people would call it a miracle and want to post about it on the internet."

Neimaat tried and failed to stifle a giggle, a snort ultimately forcing its way out her nose. "Yeah, I doubt 'fourteen year old cries out like a baby and is clearly in pain' is hitting the top of the inspiration porn section on TubeTube any time soon."

If Steven had had lemonade left to drink, he would have been wearing it after that.

When the laughter died down, Neimaat remarked, "I'm so glad that just happened; I thought we were getting old." Steven eyed her quizzically. "I mean, all we talk about lately is serious stuff—this, your music, that time you had me haul my buns all the way from Brooklyn to talk while your parents were fighting that old guy… we gotta find some way to reassert our childhood!" She was clearly joking, but only partially.

Steven looked to his lemonade-less cup. "I think I might have an idea…"

---

After a successful ambush on the kitchen for chips and drinks, followed not too long after by an obligatory (and lengthy) get-together/late dinner between both their families, Steven and Neimaat, changed into pajamas, talked at length before bed, first about inane things like school, but eventually once more about the deep stuff they'd come to discuss so much lately.

"—and I still don't know how or when I should tell some of my other friends. Deaf friends, I mean." Steven pulled at a hair and then blew it out of his face.

"Hey, it can't be that different from how you told me. If they take it half as well as I did, they might be worthy of being friends with you." She chortled loudly, satisfied with her feigned narcissism.

Steven gave Neimaat a look as if to say be serious, Neimaat, but didn't actually say anything aloud.

"No, I'm serious. If they give you flak, kick 'em to the curb. But I think they'll understand." Steven considered her heavy-handed approach, and while he wasn't sure he'd be kicking anybody 'to the curb', he nodded in agreement, anyhow.

"…And… we're good, right?"

Neimaat sighed. "For the fourth time, yes. If we weren't good, we wouldn't be brass buddies. Which we still are. Even if you play ukulele now." Steven smiled and gave a small nod, thinking to himself that maybe he should bring up the idea of a duet sometime.

"Speaking of what happened and talking to people, how's Connie taking all this? It'd sort of be fun to meet her, if I have time tomorrow."

Steven's eyebrows shot up. "Oh! Uhm! It's getting late! I should get to my room and get a good night's sleep!" he answered in a part-joking, mostly-serious, all-nervous tone, dashing to his room and closing the door.

Neimaat, hot on his tail, whacked her hand against the door a few times. "Steven! Come out here and talk to me! That wasn't relevant to my question!"

When he didn't open the door, she turned and placed her face in her hand with a giggle.

Same old Steven.

Chapter 64: Colored Perception is NOT Covered by the Warranty

Chapter by br42, Wierdkid20

Summary:

After the testing is over Bismuth learns she needs to up her standard of indestructible.

Notes:

This is a fun little omake written by the delightful Wierdkid20 meant to follow on the heels of the events of the power testing chapter of Episode 33, Chapter 7. WK20 wrote this, not me, and I thank 'em for it. Enjoy!

Bismuth usually left fiddly work to someone like Green, but the armor was fiddly work and she knew better than anyone that rebellions oughta stay secret. She was so focused that she barely noticed the entrance to the forge open.

What she did notice was the crash of a metal cage, or what had been a metal cage falling to the floor.

“What the-?”

“Oh, what’s this?” Raindrop hovered over a table where Bismuth had tossed a handful of telescopic maces that just weren’t going to make the cut.

“They’re not done yet, Blue. What happened to the cage?” Bismuth picked up one of the bars that had been ripped out of its setting. “You guys drop a Doom Cannon on it?”

“Nah, OJ broke out.”

“What?! There's no way. That thing could withstand Yellow Diamond breaking in some new jackboots!” Bismuth frowned and started prying out the remaining bars, tossing them into a pile to straighten and reset later.

“But not a raged up Tigger, courtesy of Concumber’s new powers.”

“Oh, Alloy picked up some more of Yellow’s tricks?”

“Yeah she did!” The blue gem sat on the nearest anvil and kicked her heels. “I don’t know what was scarier: Mane Event busting outta that thing-” She gestured at the cage with one foot. “-Or when she got chatty?”

“Chatty? Jaz?”

“Yup turns out she can say more than two sentences at a time. When under the influence of the girlie for about ten minutes that is.”

“She... Jasper was chatty for ten minutes and I MISSED IT!?”

Lapis shrugged.

“Told you, you should have stuck around to watch the test-fest.”

Notes:

I've already warned WK20 that I will be borrowing those great, new Lapis nicknames. How could I not for wit of that quality?

Chapter 65: Unpleasant Reminder

Chapter by br42, Unwary

Summary:

Jasper struggles with the personal repercussions of the corruption event and the sudden, hollow victory.

Notes:

BR42 here. This is the first omake by Unwary and I've gotta commend them for choosing a darn good subject for it. The period right after the close of the war is one just steeped in storytelling potential but it's one that's gone almost completely untouched in the main fic or surrounding omakes. So kudos to Unwary for not only spotting a novel omake to write, but then making good on that potential.

Anyway, this is Unwary's fic, not my own. All I did was some proofreading and then post it on Unwary's behalf to the Omake Collection. I think y'all are gonna like this one.

It was hard for her to see the valley before her. It was misty, the air filled with water vapor, the surface organics a rich green before her. Behind her, it was marred with muddy, gouged craters. The Quartz had been patrolling, but she couldn’t see properly, couldn’t focus on the terrain. Distracted like this, she was far too vulnerable to any halfway decent ambush or airstrike. A voice in the back of her head retorted there were no enemies left in the theater of operations, none capable of flight or organization.

She was the only gem for hundreds of miles, with Citrine and Lapis in the sanctuary. Is this… is this what victory was? It couldn't be; victory was found in Citrine’s wake; it was costly at times, but there was always… It wasn’t like this… this rejection. Homeworld had left, it was what they’d hoped, and the organics of this Earth were spared. Citrine had said all three Diamonds had been arrayed against them, and done… this.

She stopped, or rather, became aware she’d stopped, staring down at the green pocks, concentric marks like topographic craters that covered her arm. They’d covered Lapis as well, and maybe even Citrine. Citrine… had been lying at the heart of her sanctuary, her physical projection flickering at times, as if she could not bear to be fully present. She had shielded them from the Diamonds’ assault, and then for cycles had fought to purge their injuries. Jasper and Lapis, were only sane, uncorrupted by her intervention.

Everyone else was gone.

The Rebellion… The Quartz jerked back into motion, pounding her way up the hill in a spray of mud until she reached the low dais of the warp pad. She automatically checked it for sabotage or traps, stepped onto it, and willed herself away from this valley.

Sure enough, there was a fight waiting for her when she arrived at the destination warp. She’d heard it had gotten patched into the warp network only a cycle before… Anyway, it was the closest she could get to Homeworld-controlled territory by warp.

Several red creatures, maybe seven or so, barely coming up to her knees. Rubies almost certainly, given the numbers and coloration. With the heat waves that started rolling off them as they group up, preparing to charge her, it's confirmed. She took a step forward, braced and then kicked off, reached for that familiar twist that sends her rocketing through their formation, scattering them and leaving two poofed.

She came out of the spindash braced in a sprinter’s start, took two steps, leaped, and buried both feet in a third Ruby. She steps clear of the russet smoke cloud, and feels Citrine’s disapproval as if she was watching her fellow Quartz. She’d not even checked to see where the creature’s gem was, she’d easily have shattered it if it was on either flank.

Sobered by the thought, the rest of the battle against these strange foes was perfunctory, the idea of Rubies, even so altered as these, holding any challenge at all for the perfect…

Standing, covered in mud, one of the last sane gems to walk this world, with her very form showing the same marks of corruption. Here she was, without backup, without command being aware of her position, in unsecure space, looking for a fight with broken Rubies.

This was not perfection. She bubbled the last of the Rubies and stepped onto the warp, holding them close. Samples of the new weapon for Citrine.

She stepped from the warp, feeling the sanctuary touch her mind, slowly tamping down on the anger, the rage, all those imperfections. She wondered, not for the first time, if the sanctuary makes any difference to Citrine. Does it manage to soothe even her serenity?

She walks down to the platform, slowly crossing through the ornamental gardens, until she reaches the inner sanctum. She looks up at the two gouges in the lentil, and for a second a memory whispers, and something flickers in her gem, buried under the sanctuaries balm.

“Jasper?”

“Citrine. I’ve captured several corrupted rubies and scouted several locations accessible by warp. I could not find any sign of enemy activity aside from these corruptions.”

Citrine looks from the bubbles to Jasper and back again. She’s still lying amongst the pillows, though sitting up and no longer flickering. Jasper stands at parade rest, waiting for orders, anything as Citrine gathers herself. When her commander speaks, it’s with some of her normal force. “Sweep the perimeter for any corruptions, three miles out.”

Once it’s clear there is no more to the order, Jasper turns and strides from the sanctuary. She doesn’t see Citrine sink back into the cushions, her face in her hands.

Citrine weeps quietly, though there is no one there to hear.

---

Half a cycle into the patrol, the Moon now hanging in the sky, Jasper is thinking again. She wonders if there is still an active Homeworld contingent on the Moon. Had they pulled back from there, or were they waiting? Was this corruption attack a parting shot, one followed by sending reserves in to finish off the Rebellion? Or had Homeworld actually retreated? They did not have enough intelligence to guess.

Jasper keeps striding onward, not letting these thoughts detract from her vigilance. She was certain that the sanctuary would pacify any corruptions that approached, but Citrine was wise to have her make a broad sweep through the area. The minds of the corrupt might be too far gone, or maybe Citrine anticipates Homeworld’s return. It is not for her to doubt Citrine, that had proven clear. So she patrols, ever vigilant.

Once again, the marks on her arm catch her eyes, and she masters the urge to hide her arm away. Citrine had showed her she was imperfect before, it was merely another example of their relative strengths. Citrine had weathered the Diamonds’ assault with no marks. Jasper’s own were… appropriate. All the same, they were… unsightly.

Another mile of walking and she pondered if there would be any time for her to poof and reform in a more concealing projection. If Homeworld were to return, it would be tactically best for them to do so immediately. If not, then what threats would the disorganized corruptions pose to one such as her? Her lip curls at the thought of letting herself be poofed voluntarily, for what amounted to vanity.

Another part of her was proud that it took three Diamonds combined to mar her form, but she squashes the thought. Humility was her prerogative. She was a gemetically perfect Quartz, in service to a perfect Citrine Quartz. She would remain humble and hide these blemishes.

She would know they were there all the same.

Chapter 66: Connieswap Meets the Harlem Globetrotters

Chapter by br42, Cyberwraith9

Summary:

The Harlem Globetrotters have come to Delmarva, and are burning up the court of the Ocean Town Memorial Arena with their signature style! But what's this? Their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals, are looking a little more colorful than usual. Can our favorite sultans of swish defeat a bunch of polymorphic sentient rocks in a game of basketball? No!

Notes:

Cyberwraith9's Note:
I have no idea if anyone besides me will find this funny, but I had to write it anyway. This Omake was inspired by an unassailable classic cartoon, a hilarious piece of art by TimGaukerToons, and a dumb joke I made ages ago in the Connieswap comments section. If you love it or hate it, or you want to let me know how little I actually know about basketball, let me know in the comments!

 

BR42's Note:
Firstly, this omake is written by Cyberwraith9. Not me. All I did was laugh myself silly reading the draft and then post the darn thing to AO3. Anyway, I'll let the fic speak for itself save to thank C9 for this absurd masterpiece. I wait with bated breath for the conclusion.

However, I can't let a C9 omake pop up without giving a shout out to C9's superb fic, The Stranger In Me.

An accident bonds Connie to a strange new entity, one who might not have her best interests at heart. With the threat of a mysterious invasion on the horizon, she and the Crystal Gems will have to look for answers and keep the peace as potential disaster arises from within one of their own.

If you've already read TSiM, great! Make sure you don't miss the ongoing sequel fic, The Stranger I Am. I'd post the summary but it'd constitute a spoiler for the folks still reading TSiM. Go check it one or both of those out if you haven't already: you'll be in for a real treat.

Connieswap Meets the Harlem Globetrotters

or, Should I Have Called It Space Gem?

“This is, by a wide margin, the dumbest thing we’ve ever been forced to do,” Peridot complained, pulling at the unfamiliar fabric draped across her form.

“Please, ma’am, that’s not helping,” Connie pleaded. But she was hard-pressed to disagree with the sentiment as she was battered by the noise and lights of their unfamiliar surroundings. Having never delivered a report in a classroom, or even really addressing a group larger than her immediate family, Connie had only ever been exposed to the idea of stage fright as a secondhand concept. Stage fright was something that characters on TV experienced for dramatic effect, or something her father joked about having during his last security conference in San Fransokyo, where he’d led a presentation on serving clients in regions with unusual or extraordinary safety concerns. But with a sea of faces now surrounding her in the sold-out stadium seating, stage fright was now very much a reality for Connie.

She, Steven, and the rest of the Crystal Gems stood on the polished floor of the Ocean Town Memorial Arena. The multipurpose event center had been converted to feature two backboards and hoops on opposite sides of its modular court. Banners of reds, whites, and blues covered the walls, and those same colors were swathed across the clothes and faces of nearly every fan in the crowds, which made Connie especially self-conscious about her new green jersey and matching shorts. High above them, tri-colored bubble letters on the jumbotron read, WELCOME GLOBETROTTERS!!!

Lapis scratched at the loop of her own green jersey, which she’d pulled over her regular outfit by way of compromise, and tied it off in a knot at her waist. “I’m with Dot on this one. We should just bail before things reach sitcom levels of wackiness around here,” the lithe water Gem said.

An identical jersey dangled off Peridot’s shoulders, the garment easily three sizes too big for her, even with her everyday outfit formed underneath it. She had to push the shoulder up and out of the way to raise her limb enhancer, summoning a holographic floor plan of the arena. “I’ve mapped at least three potential avenues for retreat. We can use the food-vending humans as cover, or possibly a distraction. I noticed a sizeable quantity of hot dog water that Lapis can utilize.”

Both Peridot and Lapis had won the jersey lottery compared to poor Jasper. The tremendous Quartz had been given the largest green jersey available, and she still hadn’t been able to fit it over one shoulder. With Peridot’s help, Jasper had taped the jersey to her chest so her number and the name of her new team, the Washington Generals, was visible. “I don’t like retreating,” Jasper rumbled.

“Fine. Then call it ‘advancing in another direction,’ Douglas MacArthur,” Lapis said, rolling her eyes.

Steven turned back to the Gems, having spent the last several minutes unsuccessfully trying to get the crowd to start The Wave. He was dressed in a spangled red and blue halter top and a pleated blue and white skirt that hung just above the knee. “It’s not so bad!” he said brightly. “And this deal means the Globetrotters’ manager doesn’t have to sue you guys for damages and hospital bills anymore! Plus, they don’t have to cancel the event tonight and disappoint all of these fans after the Generals and the refs and cheerleaders and all their support people had to go to the emergency room.”

“Hey, yeah!” Lapis exclaimed. “Why are we all on the hook for this when it’s Jasper’s fault? She’s the one who wrecked the Globetrotters’ tour bus.”

“Technically speaking,” said Peridot, raising a tethered finger to her point, “the bus wrecked on Jasper.”

“I looked both ways before crossing the street,” Jasper noted.

“Um,” Steven said, ducking his head, “the light was green for them. And they were already going through the intersection.”

“But I looked both ways,” said Jasper.

Connie tried to focus through the distractions around her, not the least of which being the surprisingly muscly sculpt exposed by Steven’s cheerleading uniform. Shaking her head, she said, “Look, we could argue forever about whose fault this is—”

“Jasper’s,” Lapis interjected.

“—but the fact is, we agreed to help out tonight by taking the place of the other team. And a lot of people came here tonight hoping to see a great show. We don’t want to disappoint them, and we don’t want to let the Globetrotters down,” Connie said, pushing her gemstone out and feeling especially leaderly as the others looked to her. “And, just as important, my dad can’t afford a bunch of lawyers or a new tour bus, so we can’t let him down either. Let’s just do our best for everybody, okay?”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, little lady,” a deep and jovial voice said from behind Connie.

She turned around and saw the six members of the Harlem Globetrotters walking across the court to meet them. Each man wore a jersey and shorts in the same colors as Steven’s outfit, and despite the rush of cheers and noise that met with their emergence from the locker rooms, they had a relaxed, confident spring in their collective stride.

And they were tall. One of them only stood a few inches taller than Connie, perhaps enough so he could rest his chin atop her head if he lifted up on tiptoe. But the rest of them towered over Connie, monoliths of athleticism that loomed like skyscrapers, like all of Connie’s childhood reaching-the-top-shelf-where-Peridot-hid-her-gummy-candies fantasies made flesh.

But all of them were still shorter than Jasper.

Steven sucked in a long breath, an excited gasp Connie could recognize immediately as preceding the fiercest of his geek-outs. “You’re Meadowlark Lemon!” he squealed, bouncing on his toes with enough excitement to make his skirt flutter. “The Clown Prince of Basketball! The best player, like, anywhere! Ever!”

As Meadowlark beamed, the man standing next to him snorted and rolled his eyes. “I guess that makes the rest of us a side dish of chopped liver,” he joked.

“Are you kidding?” Steven said, recoiling from the notion as though it were unthinkable. “You’re Bobby Joe Mason! And you, you’re Curly Neal!” he said, pointing to the smooth-headed man next in line.

“Yeah, yeah. And I’m Pablo, and that’s Geese and Gip,” the shortest of the men said, and stuck his thumb toward the two to his left. “And you must be our new biographer. Funny, because you’re not dressed for it.”

Cheeks pinkening, Steven said, “I’m sorry. I’m just really glad you were all off helping those teenagers solve the mystery of that ghost haunting the old abandoned water park when your tour bus crashed, so you weren’t on it and didn’t get hurt with everyone else.”

Lapis frowned at Steven. “They know where they were, Pinkie. Heck, we know where they were. Why are you saying stuff out loud that everybody here already knows?”

Gip, who was taller than any of his teammates and built like a beefy Quartz, chuckled as he said, “Yeah, who would have thought that the mysterious Watery Widow of Wet Land would end up being a real estate developer trying to scare folks away so she could buy the land for cheap?”

“Probably us,” Geese told him, frowning. “Every ghost we find ends up being a crooked real estate developer wearing a mask.”

Miffed at being ignored, Lapis muttered, “I’ll show you Wet Land…”

“Anyway,” Meadowlark said, trying to get his team back on task, “we appreciate you all filling in for the Generals. Nothing means more to us than being able to put on a good show for these folks.”

“Show is right. Looks like we’re playing against the entire novelty drink menu from a Grizzlebee’s,” Pablo said, laughing as he pointed to each of the Gems, and then to the teens. “We got a big tequila sunrise, a mint julep, a blueberry daiquiri, and a couple of half-pints!”

Now Connie was the one blushing, while Steven was grinning for some reason at the teasing words. Jasper rumbled dangerously, starting forward with her fists clenched, but Bobby Joe quickly raised his hands and said, “Hey, he’s just funning with you. Just a little trash talk to get the blood pumping before the game.”

“Yeah, Pablo can’t help it. His mouth is bigger than the rest of him put together,” Gip said, smirking at his short teammate. Pablo answered with a long, loud raspberry.

“Man, we’re all like Pablo next to this one,” Geese said, and looked Jasper up and down. “Lady, you are one tall drink of orange juice. They grow all of ‘em like you where you come from?”

Jasper’s face hardened, but her fists unclenched. “Never before, and never again. I am perfect.”

Geese’s eyebrows rose, and he grinned. “Right on, OJ,” he said.

“Ha! He called you OJ,” Lapis jeered at the nonplussed Quartz.

“Alright, enough gabbing, boys,” Meadowlark told his team. Then, to Connie, he said, “Grab your fifth player, and we’ll see you on the court. And don’t worry: we’ve done this a thousand times. Just do your best and we’ll take care of the rest.” He threw an encouraging smile in Connie’s direction before leading the Globetrotters back to their own bench.

Connie waited until the other team was out of earshot, then turned back to the rest of the Gems. “I probably should have asked this sooner,” she said, “but you guys do know how to play basketball, right?”

“Um,” Lapis said, turning the word into a five-syllable laugh as she waved off the question. “I saw Space Jam in theaters. Five. Times. So I’ll be Bugs. Dottie, you’re Lola. Connie here can be Michael Jordan. And rounding out the team is our very own Jazmanian Devil.”

Text flashed backwards in Peridot’s glasses. “I skimmed the rule book on our way here from the site of the bus collision.”

All eyes turned to Jasper, who shrugged with one shoulder. “Bounce the ball. Put it in the hoop,” grunted Jasper.

The noise of the crowd tripled as the Globetrotters began waving and vamping for the stands, and the sheer volume of it formed an invisible hand that clenched around Connie’s stomach, trying to push its contents up through her mouth. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “Honestly, the fact that we’re supposed to lose is making me feel a lot better about this.” Then she blinked, looking again at their circle. “Wait. Does Bismuth know how to play? And, probably the more important question: where did Bismuth go? We need five players.”

“I asked her to get me some nachos before the game started,” Lapis said. “She should have been back by now.”

“Does she know what nachos are or where to get them?” Connie pressed.

“Oh,” said Lapis. “Yeah, that might explain the delay. But no big deal. Pinkie Pie can play with us. You want to be our Bill Murray, Pinkie?”

Steven blanched, shrinking back a step. “Oh, no. I could never play in front of all these people. I’m too self-conscious about my game. I always got picked last for teams in gym class.”

“You are self-conscious about your basketball prowess?” Peridot specified, and tilted her head down at his bare midriff and skirt.

“He’ll probably be more useful as a diversion anyway. Those calves are pretty distracting. Huh, Connie?” Lapis teased.

As Connie jerked her eyes back up, blushing furiously, Steven snapped his fingers and cried, “I think I have a solution. I just need Connie’s help, a spare jersey, a pair of scissors, some shoelaces, and a bunch of hot dogs.”

“What on earth is any of that for?” Connie asked.

“It’ll make sense in the next scene. C’mon!” Steven grabbed Connie by the hand and ran with her back toward the locker rooms.

Lapis frowned at the disappearing pair. “Anybody else noticing that Steven’s talking out the wrong side of his fourth wall today?”

“I was too preoccupied with what Connie said,” Peridot admitted. “Did she imply that we are meant to lose this contest? A mere recreational sporting activity? Against humans? Such presupposition not only violates the letter and spirit of this game’s rules, but it seems highly improbable at best.”

“Impossible,” Jasper corrected her.

“Oh, yeah, that part’s not happening,” agreed Lapis.

---

As the moment for the game’s beginning drew nigh, and the crowd’s excitement reached new heights of cacophony, the teams’ players filed onto the court to line up at the ref’s instructions.

“Hey,” said Pablo, gaping at their diminutive substitute referee, “what gives? Are we paying for refs by the foot now?”

Clad in black and white stripes, and standing at the center line, Nanefua sniffed at Pablo’s jape. She had answered Steven’s call for aid, even supplying her own uniform and whistle for the event. Though she looked even more comically out of place than Connie felt, the Pizza matriarch clutched a basketball in confident hands and waited with visible impatience for both teams to find their places.

Bobby Joe rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but are you going to be able to keep up with the game?”

Nanefua harrumphed and pushed her owlish glasses higher up on her nose. “Kareem used to ask me the same thing. He learned to like eating my dust, and so will you.”

The man blinked. “There has got to be something in the water around here,” he said, shaking his head.

“Hey, forget that. Check out their shooting guard!” Curly said, and pointed to the last member of the Generals’ line trotting out on all fours.

Connie smiled uneasily at Wolf, their last-minute substitution to replace Bismuth, who was evidently still lost on a nacho quest. The great yellow beast wore a Generals jersey that had been cut lengthwise and draped over his back like the harness of a service animal. Two cords made from daisy-chained shoelaces tied the bottoms of the jersey to Wolf’s side in a loose fit around his stomach. “He’s housebroken?” Connie said lamely.

Wolf’s tongue lolled at the stares of the bewildered Globetrotters. His panting filled the immediate area with the smell of hot dogs, which had been his reward for sitting still and being a good boy while his jersey had been tied into place.

“That is the second-weirdest dog I’ve seen all day,” Gip declared. “I’m all about putting on a show, but he can’t seriously be playing. Right?”

“The Air Bud clause of the rules is crystal clear,” Nanefua said with an air of finality. “The dog may play.”

“You heard the lady, fellas. The show must go on,” Meadowlark said. Then he smiled at Lapis, who squared off against him at center court with Nanefua and the ball waiting between them. “Hope you brought your ups with you,” he said to the Gem.

Lapis smiled back with a decidedly less friendly expression. “Gosh, I hope so too,” she said sweetly.

The din of the arena dwindled into a murmur as the crowd saw the game about to start. Connie tensed her body forward, her eyes fixed on the orange ball balanced on Nanefua’s fingertips. Her heart thumped in her ears, and her mouth tasted like dry cotton, but she felt the same rush that came from one of Jasper’s toughest battle drills. It was a good kind of jittery that teased her nerves, and part of her liked it.

Then Nanefua blew her whistle, and the ball became a vertical orange blur, and Connie’s jitters were swallowed by the cheer from the stands as the game began.

Meadowlark reached for the ball in midair, but a blue hand beat him to it, nudging it back toward the Gems’ side. As he landed, his large frame was already poised to move in any direction across the court to cover Lapis or take the ball. Except neither Lapis nor the ball had dropped back down as he had.

Wings flittering through the back of her jersey, the blue Gem hung overhead, her feet above where the tall Globetrotter had been able to reach with his jump. Their basketball sat on her fingertips as she lazily considered it and the court below. “Huh. This game seems like it’d be way harder to win from down there,” she noted. Then she shrugged and passed the ball down, calling, “Take it to the hole, Michael!”

Connie numbly caught the ball. She could feel the silence of the arena pressing all around her, radiating from expressions of shock and confusion in the stands. Nobody had come to a Globetrotter game expecting conventional basketball, certainly. But a flying General probably wasn’t part of the usual routine. Even the Globetrotters themselves had been stunned, and were staring up at Lapis while the ball landed in Connie’s hands.

Sounds of faint swishing broke the silence. Waving a set of bright pom-poms, Steven danced at the sidelines and cheered, “Go, Globetrotters! But also go, Connie, because I believe in you too!”

His odd cheer kicked the game back into motion, and Connie began dribbling toward the far end of the court a half-second ahead of the Globetrotters. Wolf trotted alongside her, tongue lolling, with no clear understanding of what an appropriate defense might look like but nonetheless intent on where Connie might be going with that bouncy, super-fun-looking ball. Luckily, Jasper was big enough to block any three players at once, and Peridot’s metal elbows proved an excellent deterrent.

One Globetrotter managed to slip past the wall-like Gem and circled wide to block Connie, his bald pate gleaming under the bright arena lights as he loomed in front of her. Connie stopped cold as Curly spread his arms to guard her from the basket. Though she was no stranger to looming presences, having grown up around Jasper, she couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated.

But Curly just smiled at her. Quietly, so only he and she could hear, the big man said, “Don’t be scared, kid. Show ‘em all what you got.”

The encouragement banished Connie’s stage fright, and she smiled back at him. After all, this was a show, and she was supposed to lose anyway. But the Globetrotters wanted it to be fun and look good, and so Connie had an idea of how she might oblige them.

A yellow force field snapped into being between Connie and Curly, parallel with the floor and hovering as high as Connie’s waist. As the towering Globetrotter jumped back with a yelp, Connie jumped forward, only just remembering to keep the ball bouncing as she leapt atop the field. Another field appeared, higher than the first, and then a third, and Connie kept jumping ahead until she was literally running over Curly. With no defender to reach her and all the time in the world, Connie lined up her shot, and then grinned at the swish of her ball sinking through the net.

For a second, no one moved. Then, almost hesitantly, the crowd offered a smattering of applause. Connie thrilled at the modest approval as she hopped back down her force field staircase.

Curly took up the ball at the sideline. A wide grin split his face as he dribbled it onto the court, staring up at the yellow fields suspended in the air. “A do-it-yourself stepladder? Not too shabby!”

“Thanks! Um, those will go away soon. I hope,” Connie said sheepishly.

“Now, us Globetrotters? We gotta bring our own step-ups to the party,” said Curly. Then he jumped straight into the air.

Connie had to scramble backwards to avoid the blue and red wheelbarrow that rushed onto the court. It slowed down just long enough to catch Curly out of the air, and then booked it for the other basket. Behind the wheelbarrow’s handles, Meadowlark and Bobby Joe drove the wobbly platform at a run, carrying their teammate across the court. Curly waved to the crowd from atop the wheelbarrow all the way to the free throw line. Then he leapt from the wheelbarrow’s bucket, stretching his whole body to dunk the ball.

And then tendril fingers swung down from above and scooped the ball out of his grasp. Curly had a split second to look overhead and see Peridot swooping through the air, her other limb enhancer whirling as a helicopter rotor. Empty-handed, he slammed onto the court and slid to a stop on his face.

“Nyehehehehehehh!” Peridot cackled all throughout her flight back to the other hoop. Hovering above, her tongue jutting through her teeth in concentration, she dropped the ball primly through the net. “Success! Was that worth two points or three? Technically my feet were last on the far side of the playing field.”

The jumbotron answered, giving Peridot two points while her question echoed in the dead silence of the arena. Globetrotter fans stared, too stunned to properly react. That shock only lasted a moment, though. Then, as one, the crowd rose to their feet and booed the substitute Generals in the air. Overpriced popcorn and peanuts rained at the rival team from all sides.

Still fluttering, Lapis smiled into the spray of food. “Aw, sweet! Hate-snacks!” she cheered, and stretched the bottom of her jersey into a makeshift bowl to catch the pelting rain.

The crowd’s hate intensified. Shouted words melted together into a wall of sound that battered Connie until she tried to disappear into her own jersey, shrinking from the anger. One voice in particular, which Connie suspected was powered by the prodigious lungs of Sadie Miller, rose above the others to bellow, “CHEATERS!”

“Nu-uh,” Jasper retorted. She didn’t seem impressed by the crowd’s anger, even while the Globetrotters and their temp cheerleader tried desperately to calm down the stands.

Nanefua had produced her tiny rulebook and leafed through its pages while the shouting abated. “Connie’s largest aunt is technically correct. Though unsporting, flight is not prohibited by the rules. The points stand.”

“Man,” Pablo groused, glaring up at the floating Gems, “I thought we were just playing the Generals, but now we gotta go up against a whole Air Force?”

“Oh, please. Humans have had access to flight for centuries,” Peridot called from above. “Why, the inclusion of a single hot air balloon could revolutionize—NYARRGH!” Her lecture became a yelp as she drifted too close to the struts that held up the backboard, drawing a blast of sparks from the tips of her finger-rotors where they struck the metal.

As Peridot landed to rush a diagnostic on her limb, Connie un-turtled from her jersey, her frustration overpowering her fear of the angry crowd. “Guys,” she said to the rest of her team, “Can you please stop flying? This isn’t like the air hockey game at Hoo-Ha Owl’s Pizzamatronic Jamboree. Which, again, was also supposed to be played on the floor. In fact, just going forward, let’s assume that all human pastimes occur at ground level.”

“Skydiving. But the intent behind your point is understood,” Peridot conceded, and flexed her intact fingers. “Lapis?”

The blue Gem landed. “Fine,” she said around a mouthful of hate-thrown caramel corn. “I can beat these yahoos with both wings tied behind my back.”

Stooping to take the ball Nanefua held overhead, Gip scowled and said, “Let’s see you make good on that without the altitude.”

Connie sighed in relief as the two teams jumped back into the game and the crowd around them settled back into a roar of murmurs and occasional cheers. “Good. Now we—wait a minute. Beat them? Lapis, what was that?” She chased after the Gems, her panic mounting anew.

---

It took mere minutes for Connie’s worst fears to be realized. She looked up at the jumbotron to see the Washington Generals with triple the score of the Globetrotters. The Gems were working together and demonstrating unparalleled coordination in the face of the Globetrotters’ showy playstyle. Connie might have been proud of them if she wasn’t utterly mortified.

Still, the Globetrotters weren’t giving up yet. Connie admired their spirit almost as much as she admired their stamina. Already, her lungs were burning with the effort of keeping up with so many long legs on the court. She didn’t know how Nanefua made it look so easy. The woman hadn’t broken a sweat yet.

Geese drove the ball hard down the court, unaccosted mostly because the General guarding him had been Wolf, who had fallen for the classic fake ball throw gambit and was now bounding after him. “Gip, gimmie the Tramp Ramp!” he called.

“Coming up! Just like you!” At the far end of the court, Gip sidestepped a very confused Peridot guarding him to reach for a folding case that sat innocuously near the sideline. The case was painted in Globetrotter colors, and Gip hit the latch before kicking it out onto the court.

The spring-loaded case unfurled as it rolled across the floor, opening into a small red trampoline stamped with a blue star on its face. Geese ran and jumped at the moving trampoline with confidence, ready to catapult himself up to the hoop.

“Empty Sky!”

A green tractor beam grabbed the whole case, stopping it cold. It flipped upwards within the glowing beam, and Geese’s momentum carried him into the trampoline net. He bounced backwards and spilled across the polished floor, collapsing flat on his back. The ball continued onwards without him, and Wolf chased after it.

Walking up the path of her tractor beam, Peridot grasped the case by its edges and glared down at Geese. “A trampoline? Do you know how many adolescents injure themselves in proximity to trampolines each and every day? Connie, maintain a safe distance while we dispose of this deadly contraption.”

Groaning, Geese looked up, searching for black and white stripes. “Hey, ref? You gonna call anything, or just watch the game? How about a foul here?”

Nanefua looked unimpressed. “We play real ball on my court, trampoline man. No blood? No foul,” she told him.

He let his head drop back to the floor with a huff. Behind him, Peridot handed the case over to Jasper, who compacted it into a ball the size of Connie’s fist, and then dropped it into a garbage drum with a heavy thunk.

---

The scores were abysmal, with the Generals up five-to-one. Connie was getting a math refresher on how to count by threes.

Wolf gave Connie a shoulder to lean on while she caught her breath near the sidelines. Neither of their absences seemed to deter the Generals, as Jasper bowled through any number of blockers like helpless bowling pins and reached up to dunk the ball without needing to stand on her tiptoes. Another two points joined their score, and Connie felt the crowd grow angrier, their boos and jeers loud enough to rattle Connie’s teeth.

Steven handed Connie a paper cup of Quench-o-dile from the other side of the lines. His pom-poms were long since abandoned, and there was no cheer left in his face to lead anyone. “Here. How are you doing?” he asked.

The cool, nasty orange drink tasted like sweat socks and felt like heaven in Connie’s parched throat. She wiped her mouth and said, “It sounds like my dad will be paying for a few thousand people’s emotional damages on top a new tour bus.”

“Maybe not,” Steven protested, though even he didn’t sound convinced by his own words. “Maybe this is just the buildup to the ‘All Is Lost’ moment at the end of Act Two, when the Globetrotters turn it around and win in the end.”

“Hey!” Lapis, running past them with the ball, jabbed two of her fingers at her eyes and then at Steven in the international gesture for I’m Watching You, Buster. “Quit with the meta!”

But Steven’s uncertainty broke into elation when, after Lapis’ next points, the Globetrotters gathered in a tight knot at the sidelines to take possession. There was a flurry of activity between the five players, with dark fabrics whorling, a flash of golden curls, cosmetics in tubes and brushes, and finally, a lint roller. Then, four players jogged back onto the court, leaving behind what was by all appearances a very pregnant woman wearing expensive sneakers under her thick violet dress. She waved to a suddenly reinvigorated crowd that went wild at the sight of her.

Squinting in confusion, Connie looked past the blond wig to the smiling face it framed. “Is that Curly?” she said.

“Oh, wow!” Steven squealed. “They pulled out The Junior! That is some classic Globetrotter shenanigans.”

Confusion became dread as Connie watched Jasper approach the disguised man. As the noise of the crowd died down, Curly grinned up at the massive Gem. In a rough, projected falsetto, he said, “Oh, hello, tall miss! I seem to have lost the way back to my seat. Would you kindly help a pregnant woman across the court, please?”

Jasper stared down at him, silent for a worryingly long moment. Then, without looking away, she called over her shoulder, “Lapis? It’s happening again.”

“Not a real baby,” Lapis called back across the court. “He’s a dude. It’s a gag.”

Grunting, Jasper nodded, and then grasped Curly’s perfectly round belly through the dress. “Good. Won’t make that mistake again.” In one quick motion, Jasper ripped away the hidden ball, along with the unflattering violet dress and the Globetrotter uniform underneath it. Clad in his boxers, Curly clapped his hands over his nipples and recoiled bashfully while Jasper passed the ball back for an alley-oop by Peridot.

As the crowd grumbled behind them, Steven glanced at Connie, his brow furrowed. “What did she mean, ‘again’? Did…Did Jasper—?”

“We don’t talk about it,” Connie said reflexively.

Her eyes grew distant, looking back on a day she would never forget no matter how hard she tried. Even now, she could see the pulsing red and blue lights of an overturned police squad car spilling across the halves of the broken street, glinting in the rush of water from the broken hydrant at the curb. She could hear the distant screams of men, women, children, even animals, too loud to be drowned out by the thrumming blades of the news copters circling overhead. And the honking… The terrible sound of that bicycle horn, wheezing at her from the hands of a confused, frightened party clown…

Happy birthday Connie, indeed.

“Okay,” Steven hedged uneasily, “but it sounds like Jasper—”

“The mother was fine. The baby was fine. Everybody was fine,” Connie snapped, harsher than she meant to, but not as harshly as the memory demanded. “We don’t talk about it.”

Steven lifted his palms in surrender and backed away slowly.

---

The score was a waking nightmare. Even after the Globetrotters buckled down and left behind their showmanship for solid fundamentals, the ball spent more time in the Generals’ net than it did on the floor. And the crowd was not having it.

Connie had started the night fearful that her best playing wouldn’t be good enough. Then she had hoped her mediocre hoopery would help make up the difference for the Globetrotters. Now she was actively playing for them, passing them the ball whenever she could get it. But her betrayal of the Generals wasn’t enough. And the crowd Was. Not. Having. It.

Jasper jogged backwards, guarding Meadowlark on his way out from under the opposite backboard. She didn’t even need to lift her arms to eclipse him from half of the court. Connie had wrapped herself in a bear hug around the massive Gem’s ankle in a vain attempt to hinder her. To the surprise of no one involved, Jasper remained unhindered.

“No!” Connie howled, yanking against Jasper’s leg. “We can’t win!”

“Crystal Gems must never shirk from any challenge. No opponent may be left to stand against us,” Jasper rumbled, staring down Meadowlark.

The tall man’s eyes narrowed as he stared back at Jasper, still dribbling as he stopped at the half-court line. “I’ll tell you what I told a talking dog earlier today,” said Meadowlark. “I don’t understand what you just said, but I know it doesn’t sound good.”

That prompted Jasper to lift her arms. Suddenly, the impossible task of getting around the Quartz became harder still. “That’s far enough,” said Jasper.

Meadowlark squinted at the distant basket over Jasper’s shoulder. Then he took a big step backwards and caught up the ball in both hands. “Yeah, you’re right.” And he jumped, shooting from behind the half-court line.

The shot flew over the Gems’ heads, over the court, in a perfect arc that carried it to the hoop. It was a magnificent shot. Across the stands, the crowd rose in unison, and a burgeoning cheer drew taught between them like a trembling bowstring that hung a finger’s breadth from release.

An excited howl broke the silence. Then a missile of yellow fur leapt crosswise through the air, meeting the ball mere feet from its perfect finish through the net. The ball fit neatly into Wolf’s huge jaws, as a tennis ball would in the mouth of a more conventionally-sized dog. His howl from the start of his jump had split open the air above into a shimmering round portal, which his jump carried him through before the portal closed behind him, stealing both Wolf and ball out of the world.

The crowd’s cheer died before it began. For one long moment, the players on the court and the arena around them shared the same confused expression as they looked around, wondering what to do now.

Another howl rippled in the stillness, and then a new portal opened, this one over the Generals’ basket. The lost ball appeared, dropping neatly out of the portal to swish through the net. Wolf followed out of the portal and bounded off the backboard, landing next to the bouncing ball while the portal above him sealed itself. With one paw, Wolf stopped the ball bouncing, and looked to Connie, his doggy jaws open in a panting grin, as if awaiting praise.

After a confused beat, the jumbotron awarded the points to the Generals. Then it buzzed, sounding the end of the first half. The score was a hundred and sixty-eight to twenty-three: Generals.

Collective shock held the crowd silent and aghast. Then that bowstring in them snapped, and their cheer became a furious cacophony. Snacks began to rain on the court again, only this time, the Globetrotters weren’t there to calm their fans. Instead they stared at their stolen three-pointer, and at the tail-wagging thief who had taken it from them.

“That is some Aperture Science nonsense,” Pablo said.

Jasper stepped gingerly out of Connie’s limp grasp to glare at the crowd. Lapis, on the other hand, basked in the shower of concessions, her arms and wings raised high into the popcorn rain. “Yes! Give it to us! Your boos are our prayers, for we are your new basketball gods! And we are mighty! And we are vengeful!”

“Lapis!” Peridot scolded her. Then, at a second thought, she admitted, “Though we are moderately vengeful.”

Connie stared in a daze at the insurmountable score above her. Victory for the Generals was all but assured. “You can get me a job at the Fry Shack, can’t you, Wolf? To help my dad pay for all this?” she said gloomily.

Wolf’s ears flattened against his head, and he backed away awkwardly.

Standing at the sidelines, Steven clasped his hands in horror. His gaze traveled across the defeated Globetrotters and their enraged fans. Clutching at his hair, he cried, “Oh, no! Is this the end of Globetrotter basketball? Can our clowning champions of the court overcome this catastrophe? We’ll have to find out in the next part! Er, half. The next half.”

Lapis’ head jerked, her eyes narrowing at Steven from across the court. “Who are you TALKING TO?” she demanded.

TO BE CONTINUED

Notes:

BR42 here. Make sure to check out the climactic second half in the next chapter.

Chapter 67: Connieswap Meets the Harlem Globetrotters, Part II

Chapter by br42, Cyberwraith9

Summary:

With half a game to go, and seemingly no hope for beating their otherworldly opponents, can the Globetrotters rally to win their big Ocean Town exhibition? Eh, sort of...

Connieswap Meets the Harlem Globetrotters, Part II

or, Yeah, I Should Have Called It Space Gem

The entirety of the Ocean Town Memorial Arena, from its rafters to its polished floors to its packed stadium seating, hung on a moment of silence. Hardly anyone dared even to stir as they stared out at center court. The crowd was more than transfixed. It was baffled.

Awash in the stillness, Steven continued his one-man halftime show. He danced to a song that only he could hear, which did not help with the clarity of his performance. But he was enthusiastic in his interpretive reimagining of the events that had brought the Crystal Gems to the arena that night. Watching him, Connie had to admit that while her already knowing the story helped her understand the dance, everything was there in his gyrations: the bus crash that had waylaid everyone but the star players of the Harlem Globetrotters; the Crystal Gems agreeing to fill in for the Generals at that night’s game; and the Crystal Gems’ utter refusal to pretend to lose to said Globetrotters.

Even the sight of Steven in his cheerleading uniform, with his surprisingly toned calves, couldn’t rouse Connie from her misery, for her misery was the crowd’s misery, and the misery of the five Globetrotter players slumped on the bench across the court, and also her father’s future misery after he got stuck with the bill for everything that had gone wrong.

“Hey, C-Diddy, check it out!” Lapis fluttered over to Connie and plopped down on their bench next to the miserable girl. Tugging at her jersey, Lapis displayed their team name, which she had edited through the use of masking tape and marker to now read Crystal Gemerals. “Pretty rad, right? C’mon, let’s do yours too.”

Peridot and Jasper followed after, the former carrying tape and markers to do just that. Both of their jerseys had been likewise updated. But the technician’s features puckered when she saw Connie’s glum. “What’s wrong, Connie? Are you still concerned about your performance? Our sizeable lead should allay any remaining fears you might have.”

“We’re gonna totally crush ‘em!” Lapis exclaimed.

“Figuratively,” Jasper said. With only a slight pause, she added, “Maybe literally, but only if we have to.”

“No, no, no!” Connie exploded, pulling at her hair. “We’re not supposed to be crushing anything! The whole point of us being here is that we’re supposed to lose to the Globetrotters!”

Peridot snorted in disbelief. When she looked across the court, she saw five hopeless men wallowing in despair. “Well, that is preposterous.”

“It’s a show! It’s entertainment! We’re just supposed to let them goof on us, but you guys have absolutely destroyed them!” Connie snapped. She followed Peridot’s glaze, and then gestured emphatically. “Look! Bobby Joe is updating his résumé, for crying out loud!”

The big man was in tears as he balanced a mechanical typewriter on his knees, his enormous hands blanketing the keyboard as he hunted and pecked. “Would you guys be my professional references?” he asked his teammates, voice thick and hoarse. “I haven’t worked with anybody else since the Seventies.”

“Heh. Good luck in this economy, pal,” Lapis remarked. “Also, Con-Con: we get the whole shtick. We just think it’s dumb.”

“Ludicrous,” Peridot agreed.

“I think it’s fun,” Jasper said. “But I won’t lose.”

A rumble of displeasure from the crowd heralded the ending of Steven’s halftime show. He returned to the Gems’ bench, pelted by mild boos and grumblings, but looking satisfied as he buried his face in a towel.

“That was a very, erm, ‘interesting’ performance, Steven,” Peridot said carefully.

“Thanks! I thought everybody could use a brief recap before we started the next part. Of the game.”

Lapis blinked and looked around, frustration growing in her elfin features. “Seriously? Is nobody but me hearing Pinky drifting into Stranger Than Fiction territory? He’s, like, one voice change away from being the narrator from Superfriends!”

Connie shook her head, ignoring whatever craziness Lapis was babbling about. “Steven, tell them how bad this is,” she demanded.

His hands wrenched at the spangled towel. “Yeah, it’s kind of…not good? Everybody’s really mad and sad. Like, look over there.”

He pointed to the corner of the arena, where a sobbing Sadie Miller had stripped off her Globetrotters jersey and turned her Globetrotters T-shirt inside-out to hide her shame. Lars stood with her, trying without success to console her as she dumped her jersey and other expensive memorabilia into a steel drum garbage can. Then he tried, equally unsuccessfully, to stop her from lighting a match and holding it over the can.

“No more heroes!” Sadie howled, and dropped the match. Her tears glistened in the sudden and frighteningly tall flames as polyester burned, all while Lars tried to pull her to safety.

Tapping a floating finger to her chin, Peridot mused, “That’s probably for the best in the long-term. Humans have a tendency to idolize fictitious achievements, or even characters, to the point of nigh-worship. It can lead to a dangerously unstable psyche if left unchallenged. She should instead admire a human with more concrete accomplishments, like a dental hygienist, or a tax accountant.”

Connie pinched the bridge of her nose, which rattled with a long sigh. “I can’t believe I have to say this twice in the same week, but: crushing people’s hopes and dreams en masse is NOT OKAY.”

Lapis shrugged, feigning chagrin. “Hey, it’s out of our hands. We gotta play fair to set a good example for our impressionable youth.”

“I’m the youth!” Connie protested. “And you’re leaving a terrible impression!”

“I mean,” Lapis pushed on, undeterred, “if somehow those Globe-guys figured out how to even the playing field, maybe they won’t have to go become dental hygienists or tax accountants.”

“Though both are certainly admirable vocations,” Peridot hurried to add.

“But fat chance of that,” Lapis laughed. “We’re the best!”

One side of the far arena door slammed open with dramatic force, the sound of it echoing in the enormous space. The noise silenced the arena in an instant, and all eyes fell upon Meadowlark Lemon standing in the doorway. His wide stance and wider hair filled the frame as he pointed to the Crystal Gemerals’ bench and bellowed, “Not so fast!”

A long beat passed, and then Jasper said, “Should we win slower?” And she mimed taking a free throw in slow motion.

“Ooh!” Lapis hooted, pumping her fist. “Surprise OJ Burn!”

Scowling, Meadowlark said, “No, that’s not what I… Seriously, even the orange one? Look, I meant that the Globetrotters aren’t licked yet.” He motioned for the two teams to come forward, gathering them around the arena doors. In spite of the Gemerals’ insurmountable lead hanging above them in the jumbotron, Meadowlark looked confident.

Bouncing on his toes, his pleated skirt fluttering with his excitement, Steven said, “Ooh! Ooh! Meadowlark! Did you find a new ringer? Someone whose power and talent would prove to be a match for the not-exactly-bad-but-kind-of-misguided Crystal Gemerals?”

“No,” Meadowlark said, and Steven sagged, crestfallen. But then Steven brightened again as Meadowlark continued, “She found me.”

The other side of the door slammed open, startling Globetrotter and General alike as an even taller figure with even wider hair revealed themselves in the doorway. “Thanks for teeing up my entrance,” the colorful new player said to Meadowlark.

“Garnet!” Connie and Steven cheered her name, while the rest of the Gems uttered it in shock, seeing the rogue fusion standing in the doorway.

Folding her arms, Garnet said, “My visions warned me of a terrible situation that needs balancing.”

Sudden fear struck Peridot. “Is it Homeworld again?” she yelped.

“No. It’s three showoffs who can’t help ruining everyone else’s good time,” said Garnet. She knelt as Wolf approached cautiously, and let him sniff the back of her hand. As his tail began to wag, she scratched him behind the ear and added, “And also one good boy who’s just playing with a ball.”

Lapis smirked, cocking a fist on her hip. “Psh. Trust you to jump aboard another sinking ship. You really think you can beat us with four anchors tied behind you? No offense, fellas.”

“Yo, words hurt,” Curly whimpered.

“Oh, I’m not alone.”

Garnet stepped aside, allowing a new figure through the door, one who had to duck to squeeze her gray form through. A tiny paper basket sat in her palm, dwarfed by her enormous fingers and brimming with chips and cheese. Flashing a wide smile, Bismuth said, “Hey, gang!”

“Bismuth?” Lapis said. Her eyes trailed down, and she cheered, “And my nachos! Where in the Empty Sky have you been? I looked everywhere for you!”

Pointing back through the door, Bismuth said, “I was just out there by all of the food humans, trying to figure out what ‘nachos’ were. I’ve been out there this whole time!”

“Yeah…” Lapis drawled. She gestured around her feet and said, “I mean everywhere as in, like, my immediate area. Here-ish.”

Her irritated look didn’t last long, and Bismuth smiled at Garnet. “The power couple here found me, helped me get nachos, and then asked if I wanted to play on her basketballs team. Nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, right?”

Jasper’s expression broke for a rare smirk. “That’s a long wait to rethink your choice in the Schism. But fine. Just you two?”

“Funny you should ask,” Bismuth said, and stepped clear of the door, her bulk acting as a curtain that unveiled two new players behind her.

“Hello,” Pearl said, standing demurely next to a grinning Amethyst. “I hope we’re not intruding—”

Connie was running forward with her arms spreading for a hug before her brain even finished registering what her eyes couldn’t believe. “Pearl!” she cried, and wrapped herself around the slender Gem standing in the doorway. Tears of joy threatened her eyes as she squeezed tight.

Steven’s eyes ping-ponged between the two surprise Gems unveiled from behind Bismuth. “Wow! You guys are back! Or, you’re free? Where are we at in the continuity? Has The Return already happened?”

“Steven, so help me,” Lapis snarled, “if you break the fourth wall one more time, I will dunk you in Quench-o-dile!”

With only a moment’s hesitation for the sake of propriety, Pearl returned Connie’s embrace. “This Pearl is delighted to see you well,” she said. “Our Clarity and her, erm, very close bodyguard bade us play in this recreational contest. I hope to acquit myself well, lest I prove an embarrassment to her.”

The stocky Quartz beside her socked Pearl in the elbow. “Franchement? You’ll do great, Pearl! This game is just like hockey. It’s just like hockey?” Amethyst asked Meadowlark. When he tilted his hand in a so-so gesture, she exclaimed, “It’s just like hockey! Sure, the nets are smaller, but it’s way less slippery, and the puck is huge and orange!”

“Huge and orange is the best way to be,” Jasper said, nodding sagely.

Lapis blew her biggest, loudest raspberry yet at Jasper. Then she wiped her mouth and grinned. “Okay, then. Skittles and her cover band are gonna take us on? Sounds fun!”

“Point of order,” Peridot interjected, lifting a finger in protest. “A basketball team requires five players on the court. Will the humans be supplying the remaining personnel for your lineup?”

A second smirk cracked Jasper’s lips. Two smirks in one day marked a truly, unprecedentedly mirthful day for the Quartz. “Are we going to see the apostate break up with herself to complete the squad?”

When Garnet smirked back, Jasper’s face went stony again. “No need. I made one extra stop on my way here. We came with a complete team.” She whistled, and then stepped clear of the doorway, motioning for Amethyst and Pearl to do the same.

“It was a little thorny, getting this one to agree to play,” Amethyst added. “But we ‘rose’ to the occasion, if you catch my drift.”

An uneasy glance passed between the Crystal Gemerals as they waited for the last new player to arrive. Connie’s breath caught in her chest, her heart racing with anticipation. Could Garnet really have gotten…?

Terrible noise erupted from the hallway beyond the doors, like a set of bagpipes being murdered by a swarm of hammers too slowly but also too quickly. A creature burst through the doors, shrieking and clacking and snapping at everything within reach. It was chitinous and green, made of edges and creases, thin legs beneath a thick broad shell, with huge pincers grabbing out from its sides. The hate-fueled love child of a scorpion and a crab, conceived on a bed of nightmares to become scaly green sheets, this was a creature birthed and folded into an origami demon the likes of which Connie had seen before, but never so angry.

Everyone—Globetrotter, Gemeral, and even Garnet herself—recoiled from the monster. Gip exchanged worried looks with Wolf, who cowered with flattened ears behind the tall player. “Okay, now ‘that’ is the second-weirdest dog I’ve seen all day,” Gip declared of the monster.

As the creature snarled again, it revealed a boxy gemstone at the back of its throat. Peridot stared agog at it and exclaimed, “Is that the Jade from Citrine’s sanctuary? You cannot remove her from there! She is a mindless corrupted beast!”

“Nah, it’s cool,” Bismuth said. She grabbed a handful of chips from her paper basket and tossed them to the corruption. The creature’s screaming quelled, and its mandibles snapped the food out of the air. “See? She likes snacks!”

“My nachos!” Lapis screamed, yanking at her pigtails as she collapsed onto her knees. Her teary eyes narrowed at the smith as she growled, “You just crossed a line, hammer-hands.”

“Okay,” Meadowlark said, and began to hand each of his new players a Globetrotter jersey. When he got to the Jade, he thought better of it, and handed an extra jersey to Pearl. “We’ve got a game again!”

Peridot stared in open disbelief at the others. “Have you all cracked? We are not seriously entertaining the notion of letting this creature engage in sport with us.”

---

“We are,” Peridot groaned, her shoulders sagging as she stepped up to the center line.

The rest of the Gemerals lined up beside her, facing off against the new Globetrotters. Amethyst swam inside her oversized jersey. Somehow, when nobody was looking, Pearl had turned her jersey into a simple dress fitted snugly at the waist and hemmed conservatively above the knee. Bismuth, like Jasper, had been forced to tape the jersey to her chest, tearing a hole for her gemstone to peer through. The Jade had held still only long enough for Pearl to work the garment up over a single claw before it pitched a fit, and now a shredded scrap of red and blue cloth danged from its forearm.

The technician looked pleadingly at their diminutive referee as Nanefua brought the ball out to begin the second half. “Surely you, adjudicator,” Peridot said, “can agree that this creature must not—”

“The Air Bud clause is clear,” Nanefua said.

“But—”

“The Air Bud clause,” Nanefua said, her eyes hard with authority as they pressed back at the Gem, “is clear.”

Peridot sighed, relenting. Then she did a double-take when she saw the Jade crouching opposite her in the lineup. Then she yelped and pulled back as the creature hissed at her and clacked its mandibles, snapping at her tendril fingers.

“Oh là là, she really doesn’t like you,” Amethyst laughed at Peridot from center court.

Lapis stuck her tongue out at the stocky Quartz. “Yuk it up, ma petite. Meanwhile your team decided to go with Danny DeVito’s shorter purple stunt double to jump for the ball against a Gem who can literally fly.” To illustrate, she stretched her wings out of her gemstone.

“Lapis!” Connie said reproachfully.

“New opponents, new rules, Con-Con,” Lapis answered through a gritted smile, her eyes locked with Amethyst’s as both leaned forward. “Now blow the whistle, Pizza Ref.”

Nanefua did just that, and the ball shot up into the air. A split instant later, Lapis held the ball, floating twenty feet in the air and presenting the ball for all to see, spinning it atop her fingertip. The booing of the crowd returned at once, and Lapis closed her eyes, cupping a hand to her ear.

“Ahh,” sighed Lapis. “Real outrage about fake basketball. Delicious.” But then the weight of the basketball left her fingertip, and her eyes flew open again. “Wait, what the what?”

A pair of purple hands had grabbed the ball away from Lapis. Each hand was connected to a thick rubbery appendage that stretched all the way back to the floor, where Lapis saw Amethyst grinning up at her. The Quartz had shapeshifted her arms to reach Lapis’ braggadocios heights, and even now, her elbows were luminous and white as she fed more and more length into her arms.

“Wow, you were right. You can jump high!” Amethyst jeered. “Now, let me get this to the net for you.” And the ball began a long, winding journey toward the hoop. Rather than do something pedestrian, like moving her feet, Amethyst instead pushed the length of her arms along their existing path to ludicrous lengths. The result made it appear as though the basketball were riding the track of a purple roller coaster that was still building itself one meter at a time.

“Oh, it’s like that, is it?” Lapis growled, and pushed up the nonexistent sleeves of her jersey. Her own elbows began to glow, and she reached forward, growing her arms into a set of blue pipes capped with hands that stretched after the ball while the rest of Lapis remained stationary above the court.

Peridot looked up at the snaking arms crossing the arena, and she rolled her eyes. “Really, Lapis? Why do you not simply—ulp!” Her henpecking was cut short as a set of green mandibles caught her by the gravity connectors, and she was thrown to the floor. With great, gulping bites, the corrupted Jade drew Peridot into its maw. “Wait! No! Not like this! Not like this!” Peridot sobbed. Peels of floor wax curled from her fingertips as she struggled to pull herself free, all to no avail. Her scream vanished into the creature, silenced by its swallow.

Only Connie looked alarmed by Peridot’s disappearance. The rest of the arena was mesmerized by the two sets of arms stretching through the air. Each time Lapis’ fingers came within reach of the ball, Amethyst’s hands would take a sharp turn, leaving kinked purple pipes in their wake as they took the ball up, over, down, back, and away. In just a few second, the air grew thick with the two Gems’ four arms tracking back and through a tangle of each other in contest for the ball.

Lapis gritted her teeth and pushed her arms out farther, faster, the glow at her elbows flickering as she reached her very limits and pushed past them. A glance down below revealed to her that Amethyst was laughing, leaning to and fro with the direction of her hands. “I don’t think so, short stuff. My body is unbeatable! My body won’t quit! My body is unstoppable!”

Her body quit, stopped, and plummeted from the air, thoroughly beaten as the glow at her elbows dimmed. Lapis bounced off of the floor and tumbled, quickly becoming tangled in a mess of her own elongated arms, which also collapsed to the floor starting from the source and rippling outward, turning her roller coaster track of arm-work into a rolling wave of blue lines scribbling themselves across the floor.

Cheering, Amethyst guided her hands to the basket and plopped the ball through the hoop. Then her two hundred yards’ worth of arms dissolved back to her shoulders amidst a rain of rubbery blue cable. “Woo! And that’s worth two whole points? This’ll be easy!” Amethyst crowed. As the corrupted Jade skittered up to her, she leaned down on one knee and cooed, “Hey, there, Beauté Verte. Wha’cha got there? Something good?”

The Jade belched, and then bent forward and disgorged Peridot feet-first onto the floor. A thin layer of photonic slime glistened over Peridot’s everything.

“Oh. Guess not,” Amethyst laughed.

“Lapis,” Peridot moaned. A bubble of slime inflated and popped over her mouth with the name. “Why did you not simply fly after the ball?”

“Because I didn’t think of it? Fat lot of good your criticism does me now, Holly Hindsight!” Lapis griped, still collapsed on the floor a few feet from where Peridot lay prone.

As Amethyst led the Jade back toward the other new Globetrotters, she paused to slap Lapis on the rear. “Nice hustle, Hoser! You gonna leave your arms like that all game?”

“Maybe I am, Double-Hoser, whatever that means,” Lapis jeered with her cheek still pressed to the floor. “I can guard your whole stupid team with one hand and go get more nachos with the other, all without leaving this spot! It’s called playing smarter, not harder.”

After the mismatched Globetrotters wandered away, Peridot lifted her head toward Lapis. A ribbon of photoplasm skoozed down from her chin. “You aren’t really going to do that, are you?”

“No, I’m actually in tremendous amounts of pain right now.” Tears streamed sideways down Lapis’s face as she spoke through a gritted smile. “My arms feel like pool noodles lit with napalm, and I’m starting to worry that this will somehow be permanent.”

Jasper and Connie approached the pair on the floor. The former was pushing the Globetrotters’ wheelbarrow, which she’d borrowed from the sidelines. Stooping, Jasper began to heap large armloads of blue arm into the wheelbarrow.

Connie stooped to check on the rest of Lapis, whose grin widened at the sight of the girl. “Hey, Con-Star! Be a champ, go find my hands, make sure they’re still there, and give me some big ol’ high fives. And definitely don’t repeat any of the words I’m about to scream.”

---

By the time Lapis had her arms back in working order, the new Globetrotters had made up more than a little ground, bringing the numbers on the jumbotron closer than they had been since the first moments of the game.

Garnet and Bismuth proved to be veritable bulldozers on the floor, all but impossible to stop once they had the ball. Jasper was a match for either of them, but not for both at once. They worked together in a fast, strong rhythm that scored two baskets for every one of Jasper’s.

For speed and surprise, the Globetrotters couldn’t have asked for anyone better than Amethyst. Lapis was the fastest Gem on the planet in terms of overland speed, but without the room to build up steam, the stocky Quartz had her beat in sheer acceleration. Amethyst could turn on a dime and spin-dash across the court before anyone else realized she had the big, round puck.

Nobody, but nobody, wanted to go anywhere near the Jade.

Connie was having even more trouble keeping up with the game now, but she didn’t mind anymore. The game had become four-on-four—really, four on three, with one excitable yellow dog romping between the backboards—and the jumbotron could hardly keep up with it too. Even the crowd was having trouble. Only Nanefua seemed able to keep pace with the Gems.

But thus far, Pearl had yet to do anything beyond waiting patiently with her hands folded behind her back. So it was a surprise to everyone when a wild rebound bounced into her grasp.

“Oh, I seem to have caught the victory orb. My Clarity, shall I ferry it to the goal for you?” called Pearl. As Garnet answered with a thumbs-up, Pearl gave a prim nod and set forth, dribbling the ball stiffly.

The game rumbled back to the other side of the court as Pearl ambled in the general direction of their basket. Lapis managed to poke her head under Bismuth’s guarding elbow to sneer. “What’s the holdup? Run out of rocket ships to get you there?”

Her delicate brows knit into a frown, and Pearl answered, “Was I meant to hurry? I do apologize. Shall I go around, since the rest of you seem to be otherwise occupied in physical discourse?”

Lapis blinked, dropping her sneer. “Is she making fun of us? Can Pearls do that?”

“No,” Jasper said to Lapis. Then, to Pearl, she also said, “No. If you want to make it past here, you have to get through us.”

Pearl curtseyed, never pausing in her stiff-armed dribbling. “Of course.”

The stone in Pearl’s forehead came to light. For one instant, the entire arena vanished into a bright white flare bursting from the slender Gem. Seconds later, when the light faded, the court floor was filled with a dozen new holo-Pearls, each one blue and iridescent, and each one carrying an identical holo-ball. The real Pearl was nowhere to be found.

As one, the holo-Pearls curtseyed again to the other players and the audience around them. Then, dribbling their identical blue basketballs, the twelve Pearls leapt forward in a dozen different directions.

Wolf barked and loped around the edge of the Pearl swarm as if to herd them together again. Arms akimbo, Jasper sought to block the entire floor by herself, and made a decent showing of it. Lapis took to the air and started swiping at every Pearl she could reach, only to find that every Pearl could easily avoid her reach with a dancer’s grace. No one could lay a hand on any single holo-Pearl, and even if they could, none of the holograms seemed to possess the actual ball. The floor became exquisite, choreographed chaos.

An irritated noise whistled through Peridot’s nose. Lifting her limb enhancer, she said, “This again? A simple lidar scan will determine which, if any—hey!” The enhancer and its display hologram vanished behind green mandibles as the corrupted Jade skittered up and swallowed the arm. “No! Bad mindless abomination! I need access to my enhancer so that I might—”

The corruption swung its claws, batting Peridot’s gravity connectors out from under her. With one big gulp, it pulled Peridot through its mandibles, chewing and fighting her in its maw with her rear end still dangling out of its face.

“This,” Peridot screamed, her voice muffled through the corruption’s body, “is not what I meant by access!”

With fistfuls of holo-Pearls, and even more clambering over her, Jasper watched the technician being devoured, and her eye twitched. She watched Connie cheering on the Pearl army, watched Wolf jumping and barking excitedly, watched Lapis spinning with her wings outstretched and hitting nothing until the water Gem collapsed to her knees from dizziness, violently regurgitating the hate-snacks she had caught from the crowd during the previous half. And the thin wafer that remained of Jasper’s patience broke.

A spray of pixilated carnage exploded across the floor as Jasper rolled into a furious spin-dash. The Quartz tore back and forth across the floor, leaving scorched black wax in her wake. She tore through every holo-Pearl she could see. She bounced Amethyst off the court entirely, knocking the smaller Quartz into the stands. Even Bismuth staggered back a step as Jasper collided with her.

But when Jasper met Garnet, the fusion refused to budge. She caught Jasper’s whirling form in the palms of her gauntlets, which glowed red with heat as Jasper dashed harder to overcome her. Smoke billowed out from under the white blur, while a shrill screeching filled the arena. Neither side could force the other back, and the very air crackled with their efforts.

“Excuse me?” Pearl’s voice lilted through the screech, and instantly, the dueling rivals separated, both turning to the far basket. There, a single surviving holo-Pearl nudged her ball through the hoop. As the jumbotron tallied the new points, the blue figure tugged primly at her self. The blue façade pulled free of her as though she were removing the outfit from a paper doll, and the real Pearl revealed underneath grinned, clutching the real ball. “My task is complete. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.”

Garnet gave Pearl a smoldering thumbs-up, and Jasper growled, while the crowd jumped to their feet in wild applause. No one clapped harder than Connie, who shouted, “Brava! Bravissima!” to the blushing Gem.

Peridot was evacuated on to the floor in another stream of photoplasm, unsure of which end of the Jade she had exited and in no great hurry to solve that mystery. She looked around at the celebration, and through her smeary visor she found vertical stripes of black and white. “You! Adjudicator!” she shouted hoarsely. “Are you merely here to observe? Surely the consumption of an opposing team member constitutes a violation of the rules!”

Even through a thick layer of slime, Peridot could see the unyielding, uncompromising finality in Nanefua’s face. “No blood?” the diminutive ref uttered. “No foul.”

The technician’s head thudded back against the floor. A slime bubble popped over her lips as she groaned, “Ugh! What a barbaric system of bartering. Is there even an apothecary open at this hour that would keep blood in stock?”

---

“No, I’ve never heard him talk,” Connie told Gip, swirling her paper cup of Quench-o-dile thoughtfully. “He might be able to read, though. One time I caught him eating a bunch of Lapis’ manga, but he only chewed up her copies of One Piece. Pulled them off the shelf without knocking anything else down.”

She and Wolf loitered on the court next to the Globetrotters’ bench, where the six men were gleefully watching their ringers trounce the Crystal Gemerals. Gip had scooted to the edge of his seat so he could lean in and scratch Wolf’s ears. His huge hands were swallowed in the thick yellow fur, and his efforts earned him a wagging tail and a panting cloud of hot dog breath.

“Maybe he just doesn’t like shōnen?” suggested Gip.

Connie shook her head. “He once made me watch, like, ten episodes of Inuyasha in a row. Sat on me when I tried to grab the remote.”

“A discerning consumer of fine arts,” Gip remarked, and ruffled Wolf’s fur. “In more ways than one!”

Lapis landed next to them in a huff, her wings sagging behind her as she trudged pointedly between Gip and Wolf to get at the Globetrotters’ insulated drink dispenser on the bench. She poured herself a brimming cup, then took a long, slow sip, her face twisting with displeasure.

“Hey!” Pablo snapped from down the bench. “Something wrong with your Quench-o-dile?”

She whirled to face him, and her wing smacked Geese in the cheek, almost certainly not by accident. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is bench-warming really thirsty work?” she sneered at Pablo, and punctuated the jibe with another long drag from her cup.

“I thought you hated Quench-o-dile,” Connie said.

After a hard swallow, Lapis wheezed, “Yeah, it’s like if corn syrup and sweat socks had a prom night baby. But I’m right at the edge of a full-rage freakout, and I’m looking for something to nudge me off that cliff.”

“Great. Except, maybe don’t do that?” Connie suggested.

Lapis knelt down and grasped Connie by the shoulder. “Connie. Sweetie. Dearest. Light of my life. I love you, and I cherish every moment we have together.”

“You are about to sit a gigantic ‘but’ on me here, aren’t you?” deadpanned Connie.

“But,” Lapis obliged, “right now you’re acting just like that oscillating fan Peridot set too close to the epic weeklong tooth-and-nail board of Monopoly that Bismuth and I were playing last month.”

Befuddlement poured through Connie’s features, and then slowly ebbed away as her eyes flicked back and forth, following Lapis’ weird train of thought. “Is it because I’m bl—”

“Because you’re blowing the game!” Lapis hissed.

“Okay, that went where I thought it would,” Connie said.

“You and Kujo’s non-evil twin here are just standing around, chatting with the Sinister Six,” Lapis snapped, waving at Wolf and at the bench in general. Her eyes were wild, and bubbles of orange froth gathered at the corners of her lips. “It’s like you want us to lose or something!”

“I’ve been super-clear about us needing to lose, yes,” Connie agreed calmly.

Gesturing down the line, Lapis said, “You don’t want to lose in front of your boyfriend, do you? Imagine the shame and embarrassment! Imagine it, Connie! Right now!” demanded Lapis.

Connie rolled her eyes. “Steven loves the Globetrotters. He asked his mom if he could dye his hair red, white, and blue for the game.” She left off her immense gratitude that Mary had said no. Connie liked Steven’s hair exactly as it was.

Far on the other end of Lapis’ pointing, Steven was hyping the crowd with his pom-poms. “Get excited, people! We’re about to reach the big finale!” His cheering stuttered, and he glanced back over his shoulder, spotting Lapis’ suspicious glare. “O-Of the game! Finale of the game! Which is a totally normal way of saying that!”

Lapis opened her mouth to say something, but stopped when Bismuth called to her from across the court, “Hey, Blue!”

The smith had wheeled out one of the popcorn venting carts from the concessions area. Far behind her, Jasper was being stymied behind a wave of holo-Pearls, a preternaturally aware Garnet, and a literal brick wall of purple that also featured Amethyst’s grinning face. Peridot was being eaten again. That left Bismuth wholly uncontested to push the glass case with its built-in popcorn kettle up to the free throw line.

“Check this out!” Bismuth exclaimed. “When I gave up on finding you those nacho things, I tinkered with one of the food cookers outside. Now it’s an automated basketball winning engine!”

When she gave the cart a gentle kick, it fell open, its four walls blossoming like flower petals, letting the popcorn inside spill everywhere. A steady chug-chug-chug rattled the cart as it began to rearrange its components with stuttering motion. Slender, clumsy armatures swung out from its undercarriage, hanging poised and low in front of the machine while its kettle came to rest atop a piston extending out of the main housing.

Bismuth accepted the ball from an attending holo-Pearl, then placed the ball in the kettle. Immediately, a poomph coughed from the cobbled machine as the kettle reticulated, throwing the ball in a perfect arc to swish through the basket. The spin on the ball made it bounce back toward the free throw line, where the machine’s spindly armatures scooped it up and swung it up into the kettle, which poomph’d once more for another perfect shot.

“See that?” Bismuth crowed while her machine continued to collect and nothing-but-net behind her. “It’ll do that basically forever!”

Connie saw a disaster looming out of the corner of her eye. She recognized the way the blue Gem clenched her jaw, and the tremor in her fist as she crushed her paper cup full of Quench-o-dile. Most worryingly, the orange drink didn’t fall to the ground with its crumpled cup, but instead hovered ominously at Lapis’ side. “Hello, nudge,” Lapis growled. “Goodbye, cliff.”

“Lapis,” Connie said uneasily, “there’s no need to let things get totally out of control.”

“Get totally out of control?” Lapis echoed hollowly. “Don’t mind if I do.”

The blue Gem strode back onto the court, pausing in her stride only long enough to plant a firm kick into the least pointy part of the corrupted Jade, forcing it to barf up a slimy, sullen Peridot. As Lapis reached the center of the floor, she threw out her arms, beckoning to either side of the arena.

“To me, my beverages!” Lapis bellowed. “Let’s finish this!”

Every cup in the arena went empty. Every water, soda, juice, beer, slushie, and even the grease on every kernel of popcorn flew out of the hands of its respective purchaser and converged on Lapis. Thousands of rivulets of moisture streamed over the Gem, mixing as they cocooned her into a swampy brown flood forming a sphere at center court. Then the flood stood upright. It grew arms and legs, and elongated upwards until its rounded top almost brushed the underside of the jumbotron. Swampy waters rippled, and then parted to reveal Lapis’ face and shoulders emerging from the giant homunculus’ chest-ish region.

“Y’all ready for this?” Lapis boomed at the Globetrotters.

The purple wall corralling Jasper looked up at Lapis’ beverage titan, and a grin split its brick façade before it shrank back in a flash, becoming Amethyst once more. A pair of huge purple hockey gloves covered her hands, until she threw them off with a flick of her arms, leaving them to dissipate into motes as they struck the floor. “Finally! C’est l’fonne!” she cried, and whirled at the walking lake of drinks.

Seeing the other Quartz vanish into a spin-dash, Jasper grinned. She reached down and scooped up one of the holo-Pearls prancing around her and swung the stiff hologram  like a club, batting aside the ring of holo-Pearls surrounding her. “About time,” she agreed. Then she hurled the faux Pearl nose-first like a javelin.

Garnet ducked the flung hologram, letting it explode into pixels on the court behind her. The fusion’s eyes narrowed as she watched the tremendous tower of mixed drinks shove its sausage-y arm over the basketball and schlorp it into its body. “Globetrotters! Get that ball!” Garnet commanded.

“Yes, my Clarity!” Pearl began to rally her remaining duplicates while she produced another slew of them. The nimble doubles linked arms and hoisted more of their number onto their narrow shoulders. In no time at all, the Pearls towered three layers high, with the real Pearl capping the top of the tower.

Steven squeezed his cheeks and gasped. “The Myriad Many-Man Mega-Cheeramid! I’ve heard the legends, but I never really believed it was possible until now!” he squealed.

Bismuth grinned at the Lapis of it all, and then fashioned one of her arms into a long haft, which she jammed into her popcorn catapult. Her device ratcheted itself into a new shape that jettisoned the cart components. Now hefting a steaming, greasy pneumatic war hammer, Bismuth shouted, “Bring it, Blue!”

“This is madness! We cannot simply abandon the rules!” shrieked Peridot.

She tried to stamp her gravity connector and found it stuck inside a green maw. As the corrupted Jade began to chew at her again, Peridot snarled in fury and lashed out with her tendril fingers, discharging a blast of disruptive energy. One of the creature’s mandibles evaporated, and it spat her out, skittering back from her fearfully.

“Very well. Madness it is!” Peridot bellowed. “Come see how I taste now, you clod!”

The Jade shook away the jolt of pain. Another portion of its face re-folded itself into a new mandible to replace the lost one. Then, with a shriek, it reared forward with one huge claw and snared both Peridot’s legs in one grasp. Shifting back and forth, the Jade hammered Peridot into the floor, leaving splintery Peridot-shaped craters with each strike.

“This! Is! Not! A! More! I! Deal! So! Lu! Tion!” Peridot cried between landings.

Connie saw the beverage titan lumbering forward, and Bismuth with her war hammer, and the pair of white blurs spin-dashing around the edge of the court, and the tower of holo-Pearls shuffling forward to meet the titan in the field. And she looked to Wolf, who had a similar look of fear. “Wolf, be a good boy and go pull the fire alarm,” Connie said, and summoned two huge force fields in front of the Globetrotters’ bench to form a barricade.

Wolf barked a portal into thin air and vanished. A few second later, the lights flashed and an alarm blared. Those in the audience not already running for their lives were inspired to find the nearest exit in a quick, orderly fashion.

Garnet, watching the scene carefully, stayed where she was, but took two large steps to her left.

Her steampunk hammer alight with the smell of popcorn, Bismuth cleaved gallon after gallon of mixed drink out of the titan’s legs, slowing its inexorable plod toward the basket. The titan only needed three steps to reach its goal, but couldn’t make even one before its liquid knees were cut out from under it, and a wall of Pearls stood to block its way. Puddles of drink crashed around Bismuth as she charged in to steal the tiny orange ball bobbing in the titan’s blob-hand.

The puddles underneath Bismuth leapt straight up, carrying the smith in a vertical wave that slammed her into the ceiling. Plaster rained amidst a pelting deluge of beverage as the ceiling began to crack under the strain. Connie spent two more force fields to create a new roof just above the human Globetrotters, and then dragged herself and an awestruck Steven underneath the shelter.

After rebuilding her titan’s knees, Lapis sent it lumbering forward again, cackling madly from her lagoon of Diet Pitt in its chest. “Mwahahahahahaha!”

But she only got one step closer to the basket before she realized that the ball was no longer at her titan’s blobby fingertips. It was balanced instead on the bottlenose of a purple dolphin that was swimming up to the titan’s shoulder, leaving a trail of fizz frothing in its wake. “You’re all washed up now, Hoser!” the dolphin taunted her in Amethyst’s voice.

But Amethyst’s whistle/click laughter stopped when the drink around her seized up, becoming solid. Before she could react, the murky liquid dragged her and the ball under its surface. There was a worrying rush of bubbles, and then only the ball floated back to the surface.

Lapis pushed herself through the shape of the titan, arriving at its shoulder to pluck the ball from its surface. “There. Now, as I was saying: Mwahahahahahaha!”

Her laughter was interrupted again, this time by a plethora of ivory blue hands reaching up from the drink to lift the ball from her grasp. Lapis whirled in her upright pool to find she had been surrounded by a troupe of holo-Pearls, each one donned in a holographic swimming cap. The troupe began to backstroke the width of the titan’s shoulder, kicking and moving with impeccable grace, and in an instant Lapis lost sight of the ball behind the perfectly choreographed, silent water ballet.

“Pardon me!” the glowing Pearls sang in unison.

Lapis never got the chance to bellow the string of invectives she was building with a deep breath. The shoulder of her titan exploded with the force of a spin-dashing Jasper, who shot through the liquid wall as though it were nothing. More drink sprayed across the arena as the severed arm deluged onto the floor, taking with it a rain of holo-Pearls that scattered into pixels on impact, except for the one who didn’t. As Jasper emerged from her spin, she revealed the ball palmed in one of her massive hands, extended outward as she sailed through the air toward the Gemerals’ basket.

Still unconcerned, Garnet took a single step to her right.

The entire ceiling shuddered, and then Bismuth dropped between raining chunks of roof. A long and twisted column of metal piping was pinch-held in Bismuth’s hands. Connie had just enough time to recognize the piping as a multitude of support beams twisted together like a licorice rope—which explained the collapsing ceiling—and then the smith swung, clonking Jasper out of the air. The perfect Quartz spiraled into the drink titan, slamming through the spot Lapis occupied, and leaving a perfectly round exit wound on her way out with the screaming Lazuli tangled against her.

With no Lapis to control it, the drink titan stopped being a titan and reverted to just drink, taking the shape of its container, which was effectively the whole arena. The ensuing flood tore apart the floor as it washed away Globetrotter and Gemeral alike. Bismuth took the tidal wave on the chin and made a broad-shouldered crater in the far wall. A confused purple dolphin flopped next to her, too dazed to change its form.

Connie’s force fields shuddered against the brunt of the wave. Every sock and sneaker behind her yellow bunker turned brown as she pushed against the wave, praying that her fields would hold. More ceiling pounded against the fields above them, and she doubled her prayers.

“Talk about bringing down the house!” Pablo exclaimed, ankle-deep in the rush of drink that swept underneath Connie’s fields.

Geese glared at him. “Are you for real right now?” he demanded.

“Don’t shame the way I process terror!” sobbed Pablo.

As the wave subsided, the game ball rode its crest toward the floor. A pair of gauntleted hands raised out of the froth and caught the ball. The subsiding wave revealed Garnet standing calmly where she had been since before the collapse, perfectly framed by a lethal array of beams and rubble that had fallen around her. Now there was an open path to the basket in front of her, save for one dripping, dour, furious obstacle.

Jasper hobbled in front of the fusion, shaking gallons of beverage out of her brown-stained hair. Though one of her legs was kinked with a deep, dark bruise, her eyes were as hard and bright as ever. “You won’t get past me,” Jasper promised. “You won’t win.”

“You’re half-right,” Garnet said. Then she jumped. And Jasper jumped with her.

The perfect Quartz reached up for the fusion, who proved more nimble and had jumped higher, her arc carrying her toward the basket. But then Jasper’s fingers closed around an ankle. She grinned and heaved them both bodily into the floor, crushing and splashing yet another crater into the polished wood beneath the murk.

As the splintery quagmire around them settled again, Jasper tightened her grasp and lifted her quarry to eye-level. “Now you—”

Jasper blinked at the sight of the empty-handed Ruby dangling by the foot from her fist. Grinning, dripping, Ruby teased, “Actually, I guess you’re only half-half-right!”

“Wheee!” The singsong cheer came from Sapphire, who floated gently down to the basket atop a poof of her own bilious skirt. She landed neatly on the basket’s rim and deposited the ball through the net. In gratitude, the entire backboard shuddered and collapsed out from underneath her, sending her tumbling.

The jumbotron overhead counted the points. Then it bleated with the final second of the game. Then, coughing its last, it broke free of its housing and plummeted, crashing through the floor. The last glimpse of its flickering scoreboard ended the game.

Two-hundred and twenty-seven to two-hundred and twenty-six.

Game: Globetrotters.

From beneath the wrecked bleachers, a rustling, sopping pile of green chitin sheets was pushed aside, and Peridot groaned out from underneath it. “…did we win?” she wheezed.

---

After the fire trucks had left, after the ambulance sirens had faded into the distance, after the police were assured that no charges would be pressed despite all sense demanding exactly that, and long after the custodial team of the arena had given their collective no-notice resignation, the Globetrotters lounged on what remained of the bleachers, surveying the results of their show alongside the Gems. All of the basketball stars could agree that this was in the top ten most memorable of their roadshow performances. Maybe even top five.

Connie sat on the least sharp piece of rubble she could find and winced at the devastation around her. “So, I have a college fund that I can put toward…a new one of these places. Do you think that would keep the city from suing my dad?”

Curly just scoffed, gingerly sitting next to her on the second-least-sharp piece of rubble. “Naw, don’t worry. Places like this have oodles of insurance. Heck, they’ll probably have the memorial arena for the ‘Ocean Town Memorial Arena’ built by the time we see the insurance payout for our tour bus.”

“For the tour bus?” Connie echoed. “But your manager said we had to pay for it! She threatened to take us to court!”

The bald man chuckled. “Heh, yeah. She threatens to sue everybody she meets. It’s how she gets anything done. We pay her to be mean so we don’t have to be. But there’s no way we’d let her bankrupt some kid and her aunts, especially not for that old heap of a bus.”

As Connie blinked, wondering if she was too relieved or enraged to form coherent words, Meadowlark stepped forward, propping his hands on his hips while he grinned at his teammates. “Well, boys, I hope you can appreciate the lesson of all of this.”

“Here we go again,” Pablo muttered, rolling his eyes.

“If you try hard and do your best, and keep at it, there’s nothing you can’t do,” Meadowlark declared.

A scoff came from the floor, where Lapis lay in a waterbed of her own making, all water and no container. Deep blue bruises marred her legs, which she gingerly stretched. “What a load of schist. We were pasting you guys for the entire first half,” said Lapis.

Back together, Garnet leaned against the shattered husk of the jumbotron and nodded. “She’s right,” she agreed.

Steven looked up from the armloads of arena snacks he had salvaged for Wolf and the corrupted Jade to share. Each animal grazed on sodden hot dogs and nachos in an uneasy truce. “What about ‘cheaters never prosper’?” suggested Steven.

“Wrong,” Jasper told her student. “Cheaters often prosper.”

Amethyst grinned, which tugged at the swollen purple bruise around her eye. Her front two teeth were missing. “Oui. These guys had to swap their entire team around just to beat the Crystal Jerks,” the stocky Gem said, gesturing to her human teammates. “If that’s not cheating, it’s still kind of jerky.”

Peridot nodded, and then winced at the motion. She sat on the floor as far away as possible from the Jade. “And the Globetrotters’ tactics in the first half hardly abided by the rules of the game.”

“It’s true,” came a slight voice from outside their circle. Everyone looked over in surprise to see Nanefua not only still alive, but still present. The white stripes of her uniform were stained brown, and she sat on the collapsed stands next to a stack of pilfered napkins, which she used to blot at the stickiness coating her from head to toe. “Your basketball is nonsense,” she told Meadowlark plainly.

As Meadowlark blinked, stung by the words, Connie massaged her brow with her knuckles. “I don’t think there was any lesson here,” she said, too exhausted to put more than the barest effort into the words. “I think this was just a bunch of dumb coincidences that got way out of hand and resulted in a lot of property damage. Throw in a cake and it’s basically one of my birthdays.”

“Huh,” Steven said, tapping his chin. “But if we don’t have an Aesop to go out on, that means we’ll need another joke. Preferably something set up much earlier in the story.”

Lapis snapped her head around, glaring. “What was that?”

He stumbled backwards, lifting his hands. “Um… I mean…”

The blue Gem sprang to her feet, letting her waterbed slough into the rubble. Her hand extended to the ruins of the other bleachers, and an insulated dispenser tumbled toward her, exploding at her command into a cloud of orange Quench-o-dile that flew to her side. “I warned you, meatball! C’mere!” Lapis barked, and darted after Steven with her orange drink floating in tow.

“No! Not in my hair!” Steven shrieked, covering his head as he ran zig-zagging for an exit with Lapis looming behind him.

The rest of the survivors watched the chase. Grunting, Bobby Joe said, “I guess he needs to clean up his act.”

A polite chuckle rippled around the circle, and then snowballed into genuine amusement. Everyone was so ready to laugh in the aftermath of the game that the laughter came easily to everyone.

Everyone, that is, save for Peridot. The corrupted Jade, having eaten her half of the snacks, had decided to now snack on the technician instead.

“Why?” Peridot screamed as she vanished feet-first into the creature’s mandibles, all to the concern of absolutely no one. “Why always me? Why ONLY me?”

Notes:

BR42 here. Jade, the corrupted, origami scorpion, you may recognize from her occasional appearances in Connie Swap, being one of the more visually distinctive corrupted gems enjoying the shelter of Citrine's Sanctuary. However, she originated from Cyberwraith9's superb fic, The Stranger In Me.

An accident bonds Connie to a strange new entity, one who might not have her best interests at heart. With the threat of a mysterious invasion on the horizon, she and the Crystal Gems will have to look for answers and keep the peace as potential disaster arises from within one of their own.

That she got to make an appearance here was a real delight, elevating this hilariously absurd omake to levels of meta and crossover that not even cheerleader!Steven realized. My headcanon is that Jade's seeming animosity towards (or at least appetite for) Peridot was some roundabout form of anger at the technician's enthusiastic if... haphazard attempts at helping Connie and co. after Jade enters the picture over in TSiM.

Chapter 68: The End

Chapter by br42, TheInvaderZim

Summary:

At the end of everything, Connie and Steven reflect on their life together.

Notes:

BR42 here. This is the first omake by TheInvaderZim and it's a wonderfully reflective and somber one. I sincerely hope it won't be their only omake given the caliber on display. But let me stress that this is Zim's fic, not my own. All I did was some proofreading and then post it on Zim's behalf to the Omake Collection.

Now, while this is Zim's first CS omake, it is not their first fic. No, because Zim has written an ambitious AU of their own: Janna Vs. The Forces Of Darkness.

By a series of mysterious circumstances, the magic instruction book was sent to Earth, but Star stayed behind! This AU asks the question: what if Janna found it, and soon finds that it's not only real, but actually works? Join Echo Creek's resident troublemaker and would-be sorceress as she discovers her untapped magic potential, becoming wrapped up in events with multidimensional consequences. This is: Janna Vs. The Forces Of Darkness.

As you can imagine from Connie Swap's crossover episode, The Butterfly Effect, none of us on the CS Team are strangers to SvtFoE. So I'm excited to see an AU thereof, especially one with Janna and Marco as the core duo. While I haven't read the fic yet, it's high on my to-read list and I hope you fine folk will consider giving it a looksie as well.

“Pearl, could you show me the stars?”

Pearl’s eyes watered as she looked down at the frail fusion below her.

“Nothing would make me happier.”

Pulling back the white cotton sheets, the companion helped her hero out of bed. Slowly, carefully, she slipped a pair of walking shoes onto the fusion’s wizened feet. A bathrobe covered her shrunken shoulders, tied shut to hide the dulling gem embedded in their chest.

Pearl took a wrinkled hand in her own, summoned a short cane from her stone, and handed it off. Together, the pair slowly made their way from the hospital.

100 years was a trivial amount of time for a gem, even one as minor as a Pearl. As a blessing and a curse, Connie’s gem also allowed her that perspective—she was only as old as she felt.

But after fusing with Steven one final time, two lifetimes of memories weighing down on their shoulders, Asmi felt very old indeed.

As they made their way to the exit, Asmi pondered the final, cruel gift Citrine had left them. Too late in her life, Connie had realized why the gems had for so long sequestered themselves. 

A self-sacrifice, after all, was easy to make. But watching the ones around you fade away, while you remain? That was very hard to reconcile indeed.

When Connie had attended the funeral of her father, she’d begun to ponder such things.

When she’d had to console her soulmate from the same, she’d started asking questions.

When, less than a year ago, they’d stood over the casket of their 90-year-old daughter, she’d scrambled to find answers.

And when, a week ago, she’d fused with Steven one last time to save him and herself, she’d found it.

Stepping out onto a vehicle landing, Asmi looked around one final time at the world they’d fought so hard to save. Spires adorned by glaring neon billboards were circumnavigated by noisy flying cars. The lights of the city had rendered the once-starry sky black. There was no trace of greenery anywhere she could see.

“Asmi?” Pearl asked gently. She was holding the door on her own shuttle.

The fusion pulled their eyes away from the dead cityscape. It reminded them too much of Homeworld, but they were too weary to cry. The angry, crass world was the natural evolution, the final stage of the humanity that they’d help sustain.

After all, on Earth, everyone had the right to choose. As Asmi settled into their seat, they averted themself from a tasteless, sex-fuelled advertisment for an energy drink nearby.

Sometimes, people chose wrong.

Each gem viewed life differently. As soon as they were in the air, Pearl chatted amicably about how Peridot’s latest conservation efforts were going, and how the gem ruins and kindergartens had recently been named some of the last true examples of unaltered Earth wilderness—an irony if ever there was one.

When Connie had approached her after her father’s passing, Peridot had explained that each generation of life existed to further the next, and that death was simply a part of that process. The purpose of life, she’d argued, was invariably to improve the conditions for itself and the offspring that followed. 

When a species ascended past that prerogative (and at this, she’d examined her limb enhancers, now aging since her last requisition but meticulously maintained), each generation simply took, leaving only diminishing scraps in their wake until, one day, nothing was left, the cycle coming to an end.

As though coming to an understanding, then, she began her conservation efforts in earnest shortly after. And looking around at the spectacular scraps surrounding them, Asmi couldn’t help but agree with her assessment.

Before long, the skycar had left Crossroads and its hospital in the rearview, speeding along and touching down a few minutes later at an oddity—the Universe family barn. It and the surrounding quarter mile of natural countryside were perfectly preserved, exactly as they’d been 100 years ago.

Hemming it in on all sides were the spotlights, super-combines and neat, soldiered rows of industrial farms.

As Pearl hurried around to help Asmi out of the car, the fusion chose to focus on the barn.

After using her gemstone to wash away wave after wave of Steven’s own terrible, post-paternal grief, Connie had asked Jasper what she considered the purpose of life.

Without hesitation, the unflappable quartz answered that its purpose was to survive. Life, she’d shared, was one long series of battles—generation after generation fighting to ascend, to someday escape death entirely. Gems themselves, she’d claimed, were the result of that process.

Then her brow had furrowed, though, and for the first time in decades, Connie had seen the perfect quartz hesitate, confused. Finally, after a great silence, she’d admitted that she actually didn’t know.

She’d bid a full goodbye shortly after, and left the planet—presumably to find a better answer.

Still, looking around at the apex of human agriculture, Asmi had to admit—Jasper had a point.

Standing beside the car, Asmi watched as on Pearl’s command the barn folded itself up. Walls and roof gave way, folding in on themselves or else receding into the ground. 

After the silent retraction completed, a starship was revealed. Swept back wings and a vertical orientation gave thought to a space shuttle, boosters quietly steaming in the warm night air.

Asmi recognized it as a model nearly identical to the one that Pearl and Amethyst had staged their desperate escape with, a century ago.

Pearl turned back toward her hero, smiling gently. Asmi allowed their hand to be taken once again as gentle ramps appeared from the ground and ascended to the cockpit, built for just such an occurrence.

Clambering inside, Asmi took a look around the cockpit before relaxing into their seat—their final journey on Earth, finally completed. As Pearl sat down in the pilot’s chair and began preflight procedure, the old fusion closed their eyes for just a moment, looking back at one final, bitter memory.

It had been the day of her daughter’s funeral. A small, private affair, held in the recessed wilds of what had once been the alpha kindergarten. 

As the casket had dissolved into motes of light, a light drizzle had started to form on what had been a clear day. Peridot had taken time from her efforts to attend the funeral, and had recalled Jasper for the same—but only after the body had finally disappeared, only after Connie could wrench her eyes away to the rest of the world, did she finally spot Lapis. 

The svelte gem was resting on a nearby hill, playing listlessly with the grass. As Connie had approached, hand-in-hand with her ancient, grief-stricken Steven, she’d found Lapis’s face blank but streaming with tears, dotted by the sad drizzle she’d created.

Desperately, Connie had asked one of the oldest beings in the galaxy how she thought of life—how she could justify it all, how it all could possibly continue working in the face of time.

Lapis had tried to answer but choked on her words, eyes still fixed on the spot where Connie’s child had been laid to rest. Slowly, she forced out that life was just a thing that happened—you existed because you did, until you didn’t. Life was simply the experience of being awake. Death, then—in whatever form it took—would simply be an endless, dreamless sleep. 

By the time she’d finished the rain was pouring, and she sounded broken, almost longing about the idea.

According to Peridot, she’d disappeared into the depths of the Pacific shortly thereafter, and hadn’t emerged again.

Asmi, examining the insides of their eyelids as the rocket rumbled to life around them, sighed and relaxed. Lapis’s version of things, too, had a certain kind of sense to it. If that’s how it turned out to be, they’d rest easy because of it.

The canopy sealed above them with a hiss, and Asmi opened their eyes to stare at the sky. Within themself, they could feel a tired Steven and exhausted Connie embrace. With a roar and a shake, the rocket began to ascend.

The troposphere peeled away in only a moment, according to Pearl. The stratosphere followed a minute later, the shaking of the ship subsiding to a simple thrum of thrusters. And out the canopy…

“Stars…” Asmi sighed weakly, a great contentment permeating out over them. It’d been such a long time since they’d been able to see them. Finally the vast, extraordinary expanse of the cosmos stretched out before them, serene and quiet in its majesty.

“Yes,” Pearl replied simply. From their seat just behind the pilot’s chair, Asmi could see that her eyes were wet. “Extraordinary, aren’t they?”

Asmi only nodded, but a sudden, impulsive thought struck. “Could you turn the ship?” they asked. “I’d like to see it. One last time.”

Pearl only nodded, not bothering to wipe away the tears as they began to run down her face. Turning back, Asmi beheld their home.

The Earth was shrouded in darkness, the sun having not yet come up on this side of the planet. The right horizon was brightening, though, their orbit rapidly carrying them east. Below them North America was disappearing, a bright canvas of equal parts light and dark.

Asmi looked down at their home, both their parts reflecting on their own lives and finding contentment. They’d had good lives. And at 120 and 118 years old respectively, extraordinarily long ones. 

Love, anger, aggression, joy, terror, sadness - but mostly love. Looking back at their path, there was mostly love. They’d fallen in love with each other over and over again, raised a child, watched that child raise her own, then watched their grandchild begin to raise theirs.

The sun burst over the horizon, great beams of light illuminating the beauty of the Earth. The Atlantic sparkled, white clouds swirling over it, as Europe came into view. Swaths of it were scarred grey with cities, punctured by equally vast stretches of farmland, but still, natural green remained. Snow-capped mountaintops gave way to forested wilds, the yellow deserts of the Sahara visible below the verdant Meditteranean.

For the first time that they could remember, Asmi allowed themself to cry.

“That’s enough, thank you Pearl.”

Pearl, weeping openly, turned the craft back to the open sky. Asmi’s breath hitched in their chest, their gemstone glowing, a small sob escaping as the beauty of the cosmos filled their vision once again.

Within themselves, Steven and Connie embraced, as close in that moment as it was ever possible for two beings to be, and their gemstone glowed brighter.

The joys of life, the sadness, the exhaustion, the desperation, all of it flowed into the gem, illuminating it brighter as they felt this final beauty to their core.

Connie had spent the latter part of her life searching for purpose, trying fruitlessly to reconcile the experience of life with the impact of time. But only when she’d fused with Steven one final time, only when she’d felt the tender, beautiful love he still felt after so much, so long and to the very end, had she realized that the purpose of life was to experience it. To live and be, to suffer and cry, to love so desperately you couldn’t contain it.

And, in the end, to die.

As their gem gave a final flare, Connie and Steven smiled and wept in joy and in sadness, in love and in life and in death as they looked to the stars. Dissolving, from gem-outward, their form returned to light, the two holding each other close as they looked into the unknown.

Life was meant to be lived. Greeting death, lovingly and tenderly together, they embraced their final adventure.

The glow faded.

Pearl was inconsolable for a moment, blinded, as her hero finally left her.

Turning, she returned the ship home, grieving but taking solace in Asmi’s answer. She couldn’t look back at where her hero had sat.

If she had, she would have seen motes of light, vanishing out of the ship in a trail behind it, leaving on a final adventure, dancing among the stars.

Chapter 69: Deleted Scenes - Episode 35: The Return

Chapter by br42

Summary:

There's trouble in the bubble as Pearl and her new master make their way down to Earth. An outtake from Ep35Ch9.

Notes:

Full credit for this outtake belongs to citrusella, who pitched the hilarious suggestion it's founded on in the Connie Swap Discord. It made me crack up enough I decided it needed to exist and so here we are. Needless to say this is very non-canon. I hope you like it.

Oh, and this outtake is from Ep35Ch9, which you can follow that link to if you want to refresh yourself on the scene being riffed on here.

Rose sat on the floor of her bubble, looking thoughtful as she examined the pink-tinged planet beyond. Perhaps sensing Pearl's turmoil --she was such an attentive owner and Pearl felt a thrill that was almost indecorous each time she was reminded of that-- Rose beckoned her over. Primly, gracefully, Pearl stepped closer and allowed herself to be guided onto Rose's lap, sinking into a contented haze as the large, powerful, beautiful gem she served held her close and gently caressed her.

A blissful eternity later Pearl became aware that her Rose's chest was moving. There was no air in the bubble so was her Rose attempting to speak via pantomime? She knew Connie and her friend, Steven, had a uniquely human means of doing so. Rose was from Earth, she was very knowledgeable about humans; was this something she knew as well? Would Pearl's owner require her to know this too and be disappointed when she could only bow and apologize wordlessly for her inadequacy?

Leaning back and away from the warmth of Rose's embrace, the earlier calm banished in a wash of ice water-worry, Pearl looked at her owner. Rose was gazing back at her, unworried, eyes half-lidded, disappointment mercifully absent from her expression. Her lips moved soundlessly and she reached out to caress Pearl once more.

With a burst of inspiration, Pearl summoned a tank of pressurized air from her gemstone, long, agile fingers firmly twisting the valve to release the gas into the bubble's interior. She had several more such tanks if needed, packed as a precaution should Connie have-

And suddenly the frustration returned, her thin form twisting with the emotion.

Quietly, because the atmosphere in the bubble was still thin, Rose said, "My clever-"

Her words halted abruptly because the warm, melodious voice Pearl knew and loved had emerged as a a high-pitched caricature of itself.

For a second Pearl could only stare, wide-eyed and shocked beyond action. Then millennia-old habits demanding she address this affront to her owner, whatever it was, forced her thoughts into action and she realized...

"My Rose, I-" Even expecting it, Pearl winced at her high and ridiculous voice. "I mistakenly retrieved a tank of helium instead of air." She rotated the container in her hands so that the label in English was visible: Helium, with a picture of festive party balloons printed beneath, paper held in place by a clear plastic sleeve.

Silence.

And then laughter, squeaky guffaws emerging as Rose's chest shook with laughter. Pearl lowered her head, silent and shamed, dejectedly transferring the empty tank to her gemstone, her cheeks burning a deep blue as she did. Finally, though, Rose kissed the top of Pearl's head, a tacit invitation into the joke rather than as the target of it. With mild encouragement Pearl tittered, her voice like something she'd overheard when Connie was watching cartoons.

Finally Rose's piping laughter faded and she said, "Had this sort of thing happened in Homeworld space, I'd be obligated to destroy the witnesses." She ran a hand along the line of Pearl's cheek and jaw, an act which simultaneously warmed Pearl and deepened her self-reproach. "Still, funny or no, I think this is-" and the rest of her sentence went unheard as the bubble dissolved, the helium dispersing into the emptiness of space.

The bubble reformed. Rose looked at Pearl expectantly, a corner of her full lips curled into a muted smile. With a nod --she'd learned early into her service to Rose that a bow was impractical when you were seated in the other gem's lap-- Pearl reached up and retrieved another tank from her gemstone. She rotated it until she saw the label clearly, taking no risks: Pressurized Air.

She twisted the value, relieved that her owner had found her misstep humorous rather than-

A vile odor filled the bubble, Pearl's eyes watering and her Rose making an affronted gagging noise. A split-second the bubble was gone and with it, the smell.

Numb, as if her pale, white fingers were someone else's, Pearl reached down and slid the paper label out of its sleeve. Hidden behind the first was a second label, the true label: Methane. The memory of Pearl gently leading a giggling Amethyst away from the chemical storage corner of the barn rose vividly in her thoughts.

The bubble reformed a final time and the pair made their way to Earth in silence, Pearl alternately mortified and busy planning the theater production, The Many Poofings of a Purple Idiot.

Chapter 70: Gravity Swap

Chapter by br42

Summary:

P2 and Amethyst make a detour to visit this 'Mystery Shack' P2 is so curious about.

Notes:

Subtitle: Shack Attack. Alternate Subtitle: P2 and Amethyst's visit to Oregon.

So, back in Ep30Ch3 it's revealed that Lapis likes to slap bumper stickers on the Galaxy Warp, and as a small gag P2 wonders aloud about one advertising the Mystery Shack. That's referenced again in the Ep35Ch8 epilogue, because I'm a sucker for a running gag. Well, in this non-canon omake, have a taste of what that visit would actually be like. I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and being familiar with Gravity Falls would probably help make sense of this omake. For those of you that are familiar with that fine show, know that this crossover would be taking place sometime mid-Season 1.

Peridot Facet-2B2Y Cut-5XG helicoptered down through their arboreal surroundings, being sure to set the escape pod remains down gently so as to preserve the integrity of its salvage potential. The air was laced with particles released by the ubiquitous pine trees and Peridot found it to be oddly refreshing. A curious observation and one she hoped to study further at some time.

As Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM's own rotor-propelled flight form was poorly suited to navigating between trees, she shifted into a perforated, appendageless form of very low density and dropped with a pleased cry to the forest floor below. Her impact was of negligible force and, if her exultant noises were any indication, the drop had been quite diverting as well.

"Amethyst," asked Peridot. "I am unfamiliar with the form you have assumed. Could you classify it for me."

Amethyst reverted back to her base shape but before she could reply, a voice from a hitherto unknown interlocutor answered, "It's a sponge, sweet cheeks." A figure like a human but much smaller and wearing a curiously pointed, red hat emerged from the bushes. "I use them for my baths when the squirrels are hibernating." Taking a moment to brush leaves from its comparatively long, brown facial hair and spraying some kind of aerosolized, mint-scented solution into its mouth, the being sauntered up to Amethyst, leaning against her in an oddly casual manner. "Hey baby. How would you like to be queen to a thousand pint-sized studs?"

"Shmebulock!" said a voice from deeper in the bushes.

"Him too," said the tiny, bearded humanoid flippantly, one hand reaching out to play with the end of Amethyst's mane.

Amethyst tapped her finger against her chin as if in thought. "Hmm, how about I give you a five-second head start instead?"

The tiny man's smile dimmed but didn't quite vanish as he tried to hide his confusion. "Head start? Is that slang for something? Because Carson crashed his owl into the satellite dish on Gnasty's Tavern last month so-"

Amethyst's form shifted yet again, this time into that of a long-haired domesticated feline. "Un. Deux. Trois," she counted, pupils dilating and her haunches rising up as if in preparation to pounce.

The diminutive humanoid staggered back. "No! Not a cat!" He turned and half-ran, half-scampered deeper into the foliage. "Retreat!" he called, then added, "Curse you, tiny, useless gnome legs!"

"...Cinq. Ready or not, I'mma get you!" shouted Amethyst, lunging forward in pursuit of the fleeing organic.

While the forest was alight with the sounds of mayhem, Peridot walked over to the bushes that had previously spoken. Crouching down to roughly comparable height, she said, "Excuse me, but my Quartzine escort and I are attempting to locate a dwelling known as 'the Mystery Shack.' Would you have the coordinates?"

"Shmebulock," answered the hidden figure. "Shmebulock shmebulock shmebulock shmebulock-shmebulock, shmebulock shmebulock shmebulock shmebulock shmebulock."

"Ah, thank you. I appreciate the assistance."

"Shmebulock!"

In the distance there was a shrill cry --"Aagh!"-- followed by a throatier cackle. Then Amethyst, still in her feline guise, emerged from the undergrowth, a battered red hat held in her mouth. Reverting to normal, she placed the comically conical covering atop her head. "That was fun. What next?"

There was the sound of distant sobbing followed by, "I'll never love again! Quick, someone call a doctor! And a haberdasher!"

Ignoring the tiny organic's suffering, Peridot answered, "I have secured directions to this Mystery Shack."

"Bon. Let's go," and with that the pair departed, traversing south-east through the forest.

A few seconds passed and then the underbrush rustled as a creature that was a combination of multiple bears melded together loped into the clearing. Speaking from the topmost of the more than half a dozen heads dotting its body, the Multibear said, "Sheesh. Who are those weirdos supposed to be?"

"Shmebulock," said Shmebulock.

Multibear sniffed, rolling an anatomically improbable number of eyes. "Forget I asked."

---

"Ladies and gentle-tourists! Welcome to my Mystery Shack, a place of sights so strange, so otherworldly, it will drive you mad... for souvenirs!"

The man wearing a suit and an eyepatch gestured with his cane for the open entryway into the Mystery Shack. As a cluster of 'tourists' --a human subspecies that was apparently the foundation of the local economy... or food chain. Given the hunger visible in Mr. Mystery's sole visible eye, it was difficult to discern-- entered the structure, Peridot stopped before the proprietor.

"I wished to inform you that the lettering on the side of your edifice is typographically impaired." She paused, floating finger rubbing her chin. "Unless I've erroneously visited the Mystery Hack." She shook her head. "No, I followed the mono-lexical organic's directions precisely, stopping when I smelled huckster, which-" and she sniffed the air, "-is present in measurably higher levels here."

Mr. Mystery stared at her warily for a beat before he shrugged and said, "Just gonna ignore that." He grasped Peridot's shoulder and propelled the technician into the dwelling. "Come on, kid. Oh, and no getting skin paint on the attractions." Taking a step back, he flipped up his eyepatch so he could scrutinize Peridot's form with binocular acuity. "Speaking of, is there, like, a convention in town or something? Are you dressed like one of the people from the picture box, kiddo?"

"Actually, I am a technician and certified Kindergartner on mission from the Diamond Authority." A beat. "However, I've not come to conquer your planetary backwater; merely to ensure it's eventual harvest proceeds on schedule."

Mr. Mystery accepted the news of his home planet's approaching doom with admirable calm. "So... one of them Japan-a-toons then?"

"It's called anime, Mr. Pines," called a jocular voice from across the room.

"No interrupting while I'm working the rubes, Soos," he barked in reply. The conversation was derailed, however, when there was a crash and a chuckle from Amethyst, prompting the man to run across the shop, shouting, "You break it, you buy it!"

Accepting the abrupt conclusion to their exchange, Peridot strolled past the collections of acquisitional dross, eager to see the promised attractions.

---

A pubescent in a colorful garment that had the words 'Check Meowt!' knitted into it walked backwards and addressed the tour group. "And our next exhibit asks and answers the question, 'What if one of the monsters from my dorky brother's nerd game-'" --"Mabel!"-- "'-were real?' Presenting, the bugbear!" and she pulled the curtain off an obscured mass to reveal what looked like a taxidermied ursine wearing a mask with compound eyes and mandibles. The tag still attached to the rubberized headwear had a price and mention of something called 'Summerween.'

But what drew Peridot's attention just then was another organic who was staring at her and Amethyst, wide-eyed and, to judge from his biometrics, on the verge of a fight-or-flight reaction.

"Does no one else see the literal aliens walking in our great-uncle's house?!" cried the youth, arms outthrust, his blue tree-adorned headwear nearly falling free with the gesture.

The tour guide hustled over, smiling at them apologetically. "Dipper!" she hissed. "It's rude to call people from another country aliens."

"Je veux voler ton sweater," said Amethyst, openly covetous of the girl's attire.

"See, they're from Aqua-Mexico or something," insisted the girl. Turning back to the gems, she said, "You'll have to forgive my brother. He's just uncultured and- Yes, you can touch my sweater," exclaimed the girl, giggling as Amethyst poked the fleecy side which caused the knitted cat face to light up.

Ooh, interwoven electrical wiring and light-emitting diodes, observed Peridot, nodding approvingly. Then, facing this 'Dipper', Peridot said, "Point of fact: my escort is terrestrial, though I am extrasolar in origin." Extending her limb enhancer in a mimicry of a human greeting she'd witnessed, she introduced herself. "Peridot Facet-2B2Y Cut-5XG and this is Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM."

Amethyst, now somehow dressed in a purple sweater that read 'Grape Expectations', paused in appreciating her new garb by saying, "Yo."

Limply accepting the offered hand-equivalent, the boy stared: first at the limb enhancer, then at Peridot's gemstone. Rather than the greetings assuring the human, it seemed to only cause him to enter an even higher state of agitation, his breathing coming quickly and his eyes going wider. "Oh my gosh. Ohmygoshohmygosh. I'm shaking hands with an actual alien!"

Mabel looked from Dipper to Peridot and back, eyes squinting. "Uh oh. Nerd alert!" Throwing an arm around Amethyst's shoulder, she asked the gem, "Hey, want to come see the rest of the tour I'm supposed to actually be leading right now while these two talk equations at each other?"

Amethyst gave an easy shrug. "Ouais."

"Oh, can you teach me Spanish too?" asked the girl, the pair heading in the direction of the distant gaggle of tourists.

Peridot, glancing between the humans, noticed the uncanny similarities in appearance between them. Leaning forward, she addressed the hyperventilating Dipper. "Excuse me but do humans reproduce via budding or did your progenitors engage in cloning?"

That shook Dipper from his state of respirational malfunction. "What? No. Me and Mabel are twins. And trust me, we're way different from each other."

"Behold!" exclaimed the distant Mabel. "The Pork-upine!" and there was a squeal followed by a short, four-legged organic meandering through the crowd with dozens of knitting needles taped to its exterior.

"Waaay different," muttered the boy.

"I see. Thank you for clarifying," and Peridot began to turn to rejoin the tour group.

"Wait! You're an actual alien," observed Dipper, as if this was of some special significance.

Peridot blinked. "Yes. And?"

"And? And I have so many questions!" exclaimed the boy.

Peridot paused, straightening up and smiling. "Curiosity is a natural reaction to the unexpected, I suppose. Very well, I will humor you, though I don't wish to get too far removed from Amethyst. We have a schedule and she tends to both wander and eat items of questionable providence if left unsupervised."

"Her and my sister both," muttered Dipper. Then he shook his head and pulled book and pen out from his vest pockets, clicking the writing implement with nervous energy. Speaking in a rapid-fire manner, he asked, "Right! Oh geeze. Um, did you build the Pyramids? Do you know what the meaning of life is? Who wrote this journal? Was the author an alien too? Oh! When is the world going to end?"

Peridot pondered these then answered, counting off her answers on her floating fingers. "Based on my records from the time, no, that was entirely a human endeavor; to serve the Diamonds efficiently; I'm unfamiliar with your tome and not aware of the species of the person that authored it; and less than one solar rotation if I'm allowed to complete my mission as intended."

With a benevolent nod, Peridot smiled at the curious youth then turned and jogged after her escort, who was entertaining her fellow tourists by turning into purple, sweater-clad versions of the exhibits while Mabel chanted, "Go! Go! Go!"

Dipper wrote furiously into his journal, copying down the answers. Then, by the time he finished transcribing the last one, he paused and looked up, aghast. "Wait, what?!"

---

With a clatter, a pile of 'merch' was dropped onto the counter --including one of the smaller exhibits and several tools lifted from the stocky maintenance human's tool belt-- behind which a bored-looking girl with colorful keratin strands watched. "I believe that-" started Peridot but was interrupted when Amethyst hopped over and dropped two armfuls of additional merchandise atop the already overflowing counter. "Pardon. I believe that will be the entirety of our desired procurements."

"Riiight," drawled the plaid-clad servile. "Cash or credit?"

Mr. Mystery, drawn almost preternaturally by their proximity to the register, approached, a large grin plastered on his face as he adjusted his bow tie.

Peridot blinked. "Pardon?"

"You gotta pay for your stuff," explained the bored human.

"Oh," said Peridot, understanding dawning. "You require articles of barter for your primitive economic transactions."

The proprietor's expression had shifted from gleeful to sour as the conversation continued. "Look, kid. You can talk all the TV space mumbo jumbo you want as long as you're buying, but this ain't no library. Pay up or pack out."

Peridot patted herself over then shrugged, bereft of currency. "Amethyst?" she asked, turning to her besweatered companion.

Rifling through her white mane, Amethyst rummaged for a few seconds, empty snack wrappers, half-chewed pinecones, and a long spool of rainbow-colored yarn falling out. Then she withdrew a small, red, conical hat and set it on Mr. Mystery's nose. "Boop."

The man went cross-eyed. "I don't- What is this? Are tiny hats the new fidget spinner or something?"

Then Amethyst shapeshifted into a large, purple, ape-like form, snatching up their their souvenirs with both hands and running out the doorway, cackling gleefully all the while. "The Voleur Violet is back!" she cried, already halfway to the treeline.

There was silence, then the maintenance human said in a carrying whisper, "Dude. I think purple Bigfoot just, like, shoplifted big time."

"Not on my watch!" roared the angered proprietor, sliding brass knuckles over one hand and making a fist, all while advancing on Peridot with clear menace.

...Until he was frozen in place, engulfed in a green aura. "Apologies, but your threats of violence are poorly-conceived given the power disparity present. However, I was greatly amused by your establishment and will not attempt reprisals. Have a good remainder of your brief lifespans," and Peridot stepped through the open doorway, releasing the irate host from her tractor beam to an accompanying thump as he landed in a heap on the floor.

"Gah! Darn cosplaying hooligans and their-" growled the man only to lapse into silence as Peridot walked back over.

"Oh, and I will be purloining your head attire," and a swarm of floating fingers swiped the fez off Mr. Mystery's head only to deposit it clumsily atop Peridot's foam-like mass of yellow hair. "I find it strangely enticing. Good day," and with that her fingers whirled up to speed and she helicoptered away.

Inside the gift shop you could hear a pin drop... but what you heard instead was, "Dude. I think green Mega Man just stole Mr. Pine's hat."

Rising swiftly to his feet, Mr. Mystery ran for the door, shaking his fist at the retreating green figure and heavens both. "That's it! You're banned for life! Both of ya! Don't ever come back or else!"

Stalking back into the building, he said, "Wendy. Add them to... the board." Then, too irate to remain, he muscled past a gormless father and son, snapping, "Hey, buy something already!" before disappearing into the back marked 'Employees Only.'

Wendy, boots still propped up on the counter, still desultorily reading a copy of Avoiding Eye Contact Monthly magazine, still completely unphased by anything that had just happened, drawled, "Whatever you say, boss." With a sigh, she set down her reading material and took the printouts made by the Shack's security system, mugshots taken automatically both to catch shoplifters and to sell to credulous tourists for five dollars a pop.

Using a pair of thumbtacks, she pinned up a picture of the green and purple tourists, each taking their place on the 'Board of Shame - Lifetime Bans', a Post-It note drawing of an angry cartoon Stan drawn in glittery ink stuck beside it. A moment later Wendy added a third image just in case, this one of the purple one in her Bigfoot getup. Beside these were four other photos: the first showed a woman with blue skin and pigtails, the other three a succession of the same person wearing increasingly ridiculous fake mustaches.

"Man, what is it with colorful aliens ripping off the Shack?" wondered Wendy aloud, already situating back into her comfortable loafing pose and retrieving her magazine.

Notes:

If Dipper's questions for P2 sounded familiar, that's because he asked 'em in his Guide to the Unexplained.

There's quite a bit more that could have taken place there: I feel like it was kind of a sprint through the setting and there was a gag about floating, one-eyed beings that can see the future just waiting to happen. However, this was meant to be more of a sampler than an entrée.

I hope you had fun with this silly little crossover and, if anyone decides they want to try it or something like it with more room to breathe, I hope you'll let me know 'cause I'd love to see it!

Chapter 71: Turquoise Haven

Chapter by br42, Darkspirit

Summary:

Finding herself squished between inadequacy and anxiety thanks to Rose’s shenanigans, Peridot looks for some comforting and relaxation. Maybe her blue companion can help her.

Notes:

BR42 here. Darkspirit returns with this ride on the feels train. This omake is set shortly after the events of Episode 36: Aftershocks: you'll want to have read that far to have the fullest grasp of what's being referenced here, though if you're not fully caught up you can still enjoy the tale since it's character-driven rather than plot-driven.

Anyway, this is Darkspirit's omake, not mine. All I did was some proofreading and post it on Darkspirit's behalf to the Omake Collection. Thanks for this fine addition to the collection, DS!

You may recall they wrote Weren’t we destiny partners?:

Steven’s head is a mess as he tries to deal with Pink’s shards’ revelation and, more importantly, the tension between him and Connie. This happens while Steven, Connie, and the CGs are in Jasper's room, in the Connie Epilogue of The Return episode.

...and there's more fics of theirs out there, SU-related and otherwise, if you wanna check 'em out.

Of all things that could shake her emotionally and psychologically, Rose Quartz's second appearance and insulting audacity of wanting to make a truce with her family, even after the hell she and her minions put them through, was the cherry on the cake. A rotten cake made of worm-filled cans Peridot didn't want anything to do with.

Not that it changed things between that...that pink-dressed monster and them, but at least she and the others gained something from the well-expected-betrayal-like truce this day: Garnet's help. Despite being a big pain in her butt due to her unbearable strategy to attract attention by destroying HER inventions that she always took so much time to perfect for surveillance purposes ( it was so annoying and disrespectful from her! Couldn't she pick something or someone else of her own size at least?! ), she had to admit that the permafusion's decision of being on the Crystal Gems' side and sending Rose flying with a single punch were excellent assets now that peaceful, reasonable talks between enemies were off the table.

However, as one of her former Homeworld supervisors said before she became a rebel: 'Trust, but verify'. Garnet might have proved herself when she suddenly attacked Rose, but it would take more than that to show Peridot that they weren't letting another threat play with them, especially with Connie's life, like cat does mouse.

She almost lost her daughter once: reliving that nightmare would undoubtedly shatter her.

As if the stressful cycle of worthlessness and panic when I couldn't find a way to save my Connie from the soon-to-be destroyed handship hasn't done it already , she mused bitterly.

Whatever, those horrible memories didn't matter anymore... She guessed. At least everyone was alright, Rose got the punch she deserved and Connie was safe and sleeping. She kind of envied that little luxury humans had called sleeping schedules. Generally, gems of any kind could get the energy they needed through their gemstones, so eating, having a break or sleeping 8-9 hours were senseless activities. Now though, Peridot would rather take a little rest than keep watching her robonoids working non-stop, sometimes confusedly because of her absent limb enhancers.

Stupid, cracking Rose.

If she could, she'd find that annoying zeta-kindergarten clod, strip her of her limb enhancers, poof Rose and use her gemstone as a tennis ball to play with Lapis! Let's see if she liked to be the vulnerable one for once!

Getting a heavy breath out of her system, Peridot looked at her hands, remembering the big mess she was when Rose came back to Earth. All the strategy and seriousness ended up a big failure when she couldn't avenge her friends or even stop that piece of schist from touching her Connie!

Stars, she really missed her limb enhancers. Despite being old, broken and duct tape-covered, they at least gave her some stability. ' What's stability now but a dark joke that comes accompanied by horrible images of my worst fears and failures, ' Peridot stated in her mind poetically, miserably.

Ugh! Where was a distraction where you needed it?! Working on the alarms and settings of surveillance was too much with her overwhelmed mental state and taking a nap would only end with her screams of terror at seeing Rose's face laughing at her while that accursed quartz destroyed her loved ones.

Now I get why Lapis has so many difficulties when it comes to sleep . At that thought, the technician remembered her desire of visiting her companion's room for some relaxation.

Getting out of her room of the temple, Peridot went to Lapis' and found her reading lazily one of her mangas, though it seemed this one was of inappropriate content for minors. Geez, that's why she told her to keep those uncensored mangas out of Connie's reach; what if her daughter found one of them on the living room's floor?

"Dot? What are you doing here?" Laz was looking at her, a mix of concern and wonder in her eyes.

Ahh yes, the relaxation.

"I apologize for interrupting your leisure activity so suddenly, Lapis. It's just-" I need to know how you put up with nightmares and don't want to be alone right now "-I don't want to be alone this night. You know, being by myself in my room. I know it's too soon due to having to deal with the threat Rose Quartz represents a second time, but I was wondering if--"

"If we could spend some alone time?" Laz smiled half-amused, half-fondly at her which made her green cheeks darkened from embarrassment. The blue gem patted at her lap with an inviting smirk, much to the technician’s annoyance

"Lazuli, my size doesn't define my age. I'm NOT a toddler"

"Yeah, yeah. Time for lap time, Peri. You really need to relax." Lapis had already approached the green gem and carried her bridal style, then she sat in her chair with Peridot seated atop her legs.

"This is so humiliating," which was an understatement because Rose defeating her got the #1 place in that department.

"Chillax, Dot. Everything is ok." Lapis hugged her from behind, Peridot didn't see it but she was sure her crush was blushing as much as she was. Then, without thinking, her hands grasped the waterbending gem’s a bit tightly as she settled in her companion's lap, sighing and absorbing the silence in the room.

"Lapis, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

She didn't know how to phrase it without prompting Laz to ignore the question or change topic, but it wouldn't kill anyone if she was honestly curious, right? "How do you put up with them?"

"Them who?"

"The...you know, the nightmares."

Laz whole body tensed up, like she had become a living statue. Yep, not the best of reactions. 

"Lapis? Are you--?"

"Why do you wanna know?"

Uh, unexpected; she thought that changing topic was going to be the blue gem's move, not this.

Lapis put her hand under Peridot's chin and guided her until they were looking into one another’s eyes. There were a lot of questions in her gaze and some apprehension too. Wordlessly, she invited Peridot to say more.

"We've been through a lot of ordeals that have put high-level stress on us. E-Especially in me." Peridot remembered hatefully Rose's mocking words: 'You're not even worth poofing' "Being defeated by Rose Quartz has had different effects in all of us. And sadly, while you and Jasper seem to have learned and got stronger from the humiliation and despair suffered, I... I couldn't. Not yet. My limb enhancers, despite their deplorable condition, were the best tools I had to fight, to guide the robonoids, to keep everything in order and now... To top it all, after believing there was no way to save Connie from the heavily damaged handship, I completely lost hope. It was horrible. No, not horrible. It was agony. Not even my intellect was enough to conceive of the safety measures she needed in order to return to Earth alive but also... Connie disappeared in an instant while we were carrying her gem, in front of my own eyes!" 

She felt some tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. Oh perfect, just what she needed! Now she was crying!

"My Connie was there one moment and in the next, she was gone! And I thought she would be forever! I couldn't do anything! I felt so--"

"Useless? Worthless? Unworthy of trust? Pathetic? Small?Hopeless? Like everything you’ve done to be prepared for the most important test was for nothing and the people you care about suffered because of you?" suggested Lapis.

That was...a good summary of everything she had been through during Rose's attack and their subsequent kidnapping by her hands. Peridot looked at her and noticed that Lapis' eyes held sadness, bitterness and longing which confused her a bit. "Y-You know?"

"Dotty, Dotty, Dotty," the svelte gem shook her head as if hearing a good joke, though she wasn't smiling "You're talking with Ms. Regret here. I've had to live with that for thousands of years and it was thanks to Con-Con’s metaphorical slap to the face that my black list hasn't got even longer. In fact, there was one day when I told her about why a continent ended up like the ancient city from that Disney movie."

"Can you please be more specific in that part?"

"It happened when I invited her to a tour to one old gem building or what it was left of it. No big dealie. Besides, you were kind of mad at me for 'kidnapping Connie without taking consideration to her activity schedule.'"

"Ah yes, I recall. But, back to the point, you were saying that you knew how it feels to deal with nightmares and regrets... Right?"

Lapis sighed and Peridot could swear that this time the topic would be changed or silence would reign until hard insistence made the blue gem gave in, though Peridot didn't feel like pushing right now. Having two gems under too much emotional stress wasn't recommendable. What if some new emergency needed their whole attention?

"Want to know the truth, Peri?"

"Uh, what?"

"I asked if you wanted to know how I keep my beauty naps intact even with the nightmares." Despite not being in a good mood for jokes, Lapis was making a huge effort to alleviate the tension, something Peridot appreciated.

"If it is effective for you, then yes, I would like to know."

"Well, Dot Matrix, the thing you have to know is that it’s hard and I still don't think I've found a way to overcome them. Sure, they aren't as awful and real as before, but... They're still there and sometimes they last seconds, minutes, or, if I’m really lucky, the whole dang night. Though now it's easier because I don't let them get to me. I mean, I learned how it feels to fall for their trap. Miss Petty in Pink isn't called Pinky Nightmare for nothing."

"Wow, thanks. Efficacious advice indeed."

What a depressing solution for her depressing situation!

Lapis held her hands and stroke them gently to cheer her up, though it mainly served as a reminder to her of how small and helpless she was.

Again, stupid, arrogant, cracking Rose.

"You know," Laz started again. "whatever that pinky pest says isn't true, but if there's something that no one doubts, it’s that you fought her and did a good job. A better job than me if we're honest. I mean, don't tell OJ or Skittles once she reforms, but I was scared. As much as you or worse. And it only took Rosy some old-fashioned insults to get me in her grasp and poof me. You, though, got ahold in the battle with more dignity than anybody else."

"What a great service that did me," Peridot mumbled bitterly. "I wasn't even worth poofing. At least you had the chance for a rematch, something I could've enjoyed too if it wasn't for my dependence on my limb enhancers, which were totally destroyed. And that was rubbed in my face! Stupid, f*****g Rose Quartz!"

Laz looked at her, surprised at her choice of human obscenities but smiling at the audacity under sympathetic eyes. "It's frustrating. That's the biggest 'duh' when coming to terms with it. You think you're prepared, that you can handle it and then those jerks prove you wrong and you start to doubt yourself. You then run away to let off steam, like certain blue people I know, or lash out or just distract yourself until you get bored. But it never goes away, not completely. And sometimes it reminds you of other things that make you feel sad, like when I told girlie about why I sunk a continent."

"I'm quite surprised at your willingness to open up and reveal memories that only trigger your poorly formulated reactions," answered Peridot after a moment’s pause.

"Well, I think that at that moment I was in better shape. Besides, you still can't get it out of your head, can you?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you saw Con-Con disappear while we were returning to Earth, and when Miss Petty in Pink thrashed us all and went all trash compactor on your robot parts."

"Limb enhancers," corrected Dot.

"Yeah that. It will be stuck in your mind like a bad pop song. It's... It's... exactly what happened to me long ago." Lapis paused, looking at Peridot fondly, a hint of a smile betraying some wry observation going unsaid. Probably to do with Peridot’s stature and current seat. But before Peridot could consider that line of thought, Lapis asked,  "Wanna know?"

“Only if you feel like you have the emotional reserves to share it,” answered Peridot softly, giving the blue gem’s hand a squeeze.

Lapis only sighed. "There was a gem who I was supposed to lead. I was sent on a mission with a group as their leader when the Rebellion had it difficult and our chances to win were slim, even with Rosy’s side shoring up the numbers. Homeworld’s bases were in some part of the world and take them down was a priority." Her body was getting more tense the more she was talking, and Peridot could be convinced at this point that it was metal bars hugging her rather than blue arms. "Things went completely out of control. It was a total massacre. And when it couldn't get worse... the gem who always followed me like a lost puppy was shattered by an enemy quartz... I even felt the shards on my face."

Stars, then if that happened so near Laz's radius and with no one to stop her outburst then that meant the continent... Well, it wasn't that complicated to put the pieces together and see the obvious conclusion.

"My condolences for the demise of your comrade. It must have been deeply traumatic."

"Yeah... It was."

Silence followed after that. Peridot was hesitant about saying something to lessen the tension in the air or to ask another question because it could be taken as indelicate following her blue companion's confession. Then the svelte gem's arms tightened the hug and she felt a tired sigh rustling her blonde hair.

"One moment I thought things were under control, the next one someone I cared about was crushed and I was too late or too weak to stop it. It will never leave my head, but at least I don't let that influence me like it used to... though I had to first be played like a cheap fiddle and poofed by that Pinky Threat for the lesson to really sink in."

Mention of that jolted Peridot, a cold sensation spreading through her form. Oh no, she didn't want to replay those scenarios again.

Remember that Lapis' life is forfeit if any of you interfere before it's your turn.

Lapis’ gemstone shattered by that zeta-clod under Rose's orders while the monster laughed mockingly.

Please! Don't harm her! Don’t harm my Connie! We're surrendering!

Her daughter being bludgeoned by Rose's sword and kidnapped while she was too worthless to do something and that diabolical, rosy clod getting away with the torments she put them through.

Losing the two most important people in her life due to her weaknesses, her inability to fight without limb enhancers.

"Dot? Dot. Hey, are you listening?"

But she wasn’t, at least not to the happenings outside her head.

---

Was Peri's mind now in an Error 404 mode like those dinosaurs of computers no one wanted to buy? But no, it was even worse: her body was frozen like an ice sculpture. Lapis took a look at Dotty's eyes and saw total horror and panic consuming her rational thinking.

Jank! Was she in a panic attack or something?! Lapis didn’t know how to help others with those. Others helped her from mental blue-screening, not the way around. It was the natural order of things!

What the heck happened? I was just telling her about—

Oh! OH.

Lapis slapped her forehead after getting it. Note to self, Lazuli: never ever remind someone of a pretty terrifying moment, especially if it was caused by the likes of Rose Quartz. That gem is basically a walking, talking trigger hazard.

"Periberry, if you still can listen, and I hope you do, I want you to remember that Rose is just one against all of us. She is just a cowardly marshmallow who loves to bully people. You have more guts than her, more guts than anybody wearing a diamond. You are a Crystal Gem, the best we know. OJ and BM respect you, Con-Con and I love you so much. Whatever is playing in your mind, screw it. It's not true. And if Rose is bothering you there, screw her too. She doesn't know you like we do. She doesn't know how strong you are."

"I was too weak... I was much too weak!! Laz, I barely contributed back there, my primary accomplishment undone in seconds by a sprinkling of tears! I had to be rescued at every stage of our encounter: at the beach, in the cell, off the ship! You fought Rose again to prevent her from finding us, and Connie resorted to her color perceptive powers to scare away that overbearing zeta-clod! I just watched and panicked and cowered when things got out of hand... And-And…"

Ok, talking didn't work. Now what? How could she calm her down? Maybe splashing some water on her face can do the job? But no, that would be like playing in the wrong moment.

Wait, that's it!

Using her mind and one of her hands, she brought to Peri's face a blob of water the size of a Ruby.

"Whatever is happening in your mind is way worse than it really was, P-Dot. And it won't happen again in a bajillion years. Touch the water and try to focus on something nice, something that truly makes you happy."

The technician's hands slowly reached for the floating blob, the rushing water stroking the tip of her finger diminished the trembling of her body. It was hard shifting gears inside your own head, harder still to forgive yourself when your mind was a bog of self-loathing. That’s why she’d tried to give Dot something external to focus on, because feelings were jerks like that but water was just water. No judgement.

Peridot caressed the water again and gave a shuddering breath, calm slowly taking hold.

P-Dot's defender: 1 Rose Quartz: 0. Like it should be. 

---

New images ran through Peridot’s  overwhelmed mind: bathing a baby Connie in a medium-sized bathtub, hearing the toddler's laughter, watching her sweet daughter's smile. In a matter of minutes, the pain, fear and hopelessness she had been bottling up left her system and she exhaled a big sigh.

Laz smiled at her with relief. "Better now?"

"Yeah... Better. Thank you. And I uh... apologize for making a number of, erm, strident remarks earlier." Her green cheeks darkened in awkwardness.

"It wasn't your fault, Peri. You've been through a lot. Sorry for reminding you of that, by the way. Just remember that no matter what Mind-Rose or the real one says, it's not true. You are worth everything. Except, ya know, poofing 'cause that is bad." 

A teary chuckle escaped Dot’s mouth at that silly joke and Lapis smiled ear-to-ear.

"L-Laz?"

"Yeah, Peri?"

"While you were, um, inside your gemstone after Rose poofed you, what were you thinking? I-I mean, don't feel obligated to reply if you don’t wish too as this inquiry is for  research purposes and healthy curiosity. But anyway, when Rose taunted you, now that I remember, you were shaken by her jeers which gave her the opportunity to defeat you, but then, after you reformed, I saw how confident and ready you were to fight again. As though what had happened before was just an annoyance, not a catastrophe."

Laz used her hydrokinesis to give multiple forms to the blob of water, images of them facing Rose or fleeing the handship, much to the green gem's confusion.

"I was scared, yeah. And what she said affected me, sure. But, after a good thinking and remembering how Con-Con opened my eyes to a few things, I came to the conclusion that I was lucky I didn't turn my back on the Rebellion like Rosy did and hide in a Homeworld-made hole when things got ugly. If I had done that, I wouldn't have a family right now, or have fun with girlie blowing raspberries, and especially I wouldn't have met this precious and super cute, slice of pie gem who makes me the happiest when we're alone... even though I sometimes do things that make me undeserving of it."

"The feelings are mutual, Laz. Meeting you, getting to know you, even despite the not-so-ideal circumstances that surrounded that encounter, were great experiences. Of course, your bad habits and stubbornness were issues that seriously needed to be dealt, unlike my own flawless personality,” she said with cheer that was only half fake. One of the water blobs booped Peridot on the nose in mild rebuke, earning a soft chuckle from both. “But there's no doubt that being in love with you is a state that I'm decidedly grateful to enjoy. That said, why is your hydrokinesis illustrating the scenes surrounding your post-reformation return to confidence? You know you could have just told me, right?"

"Come on, Periberry. Someone has to teach you how to have some chill."

"And may I ask what is your next lesson? Maybe the usefulness of raspberry-based communication or the plot analysis of some inappropriate manga?"

"Haha, very funny, P-Dot. Don't forget who had the greatest idea for that marathon of My Hero Academia. " 

"It was enjoyable undoubtedly. Thanks, Laz."

"No problemo, Dotty. Do you think you'll be ok?"

Peridot thought about this. Her intellect wouldn't be enough in the future if Rose and her minions planned another attack, and she obviously wasn't in the mood for more soon-to-be horrific scenarios or overthinking the worst but—

You raising me, loving me, being the most important person in the world to me wasn't because of your limb enhancers. It wasn't because you're an Era-2 gem and it wasn't despite you being an Era-2: it was entirely because you're you. That other Peridot couldn't have done that, no matter how new and fancy her limb enhancers are.

A proud smile was painted in her facial expressions at remembering her daughter’s kind and wise words.

"It will take time. I don't know how much but I suspect I will mend all the sooner because I have Connie and I have you. Or, more succinctly, I have a family and so will be okay. Thank you."

"I'm happy to have you too, P-Dot. Wanna stay here a bit more, or would you rather go to the porch and stargaze?"

"I think being here is the best option for me, but I appreciate the suggestion."

Peridot got more comfortable in Lapis' lap, not minding anymore the less-than-dignified position and savoring the peace and company.

Yes, things would be alright. She would be fine.

 

You've got nothing to fear

You’re here

I'm here

 

We’re here

Chapter 72: Tales from the Rebellion: Frog Hunt

Chapter by br42

Summary:

During the Rebellion, a Ruby is finding this romance business a lot harder than she'd expected. Fortunately Garnet is there to offer the burgeoning romantic a mission to find the answers. A mission... to find a frog!

Notes:

Over in the main fic, AconiteWolfsbane left a comment which sparked the idea behind this omake. More generally it made me realize that the period of the Rebellion itself is very seldom depicted, even in fanfic. That struck me as unfortunate because there's oodles of great and varied storytelling potential there. So while I have no idea when, or even if there will be more Tales from the Rebellion interludes, I wanted to leave that possibility open, hence the series name in the title.

Anyway, I hope you like this short, fun fic about a short, fun gem.

Oh, and thanks for the inspiring comment, AconiteWolfsbane!

Ruby tugged on the Nephrite's jumpsuit, the tall, green gem looking around confused for a second before thinking to look down. "Can I help you?" asked the pilot.

"Uh..." Ruby paused, momentarily forgetting what she was doing. She idly scratched the gemstone set in her left elbow, trying to remember why she'd come here. Did she need help? She blinked her eyes in thought and that was what brought it all back. "Oh yeah!"

Looking up at the Nephrite, Ruby made a show of closing her right eye in an exaggerated wink.

The Nephrite stared at her for a few seconds longer, Ruby able to see her reflection in the gem's single large eye. It was kind of neat. Then the Nephrite frowned and blinked at her uncertainly.

She looked like she was about to say something when Ruby, arms upthrust in victory, loudly exclaimed, "Woo! I knew it'd work! Ruby said it wouldn't work and Ruby said Ruby was right, but I told both of them they were double wrong times a million! What do those two know about romance?"

The Nephrite looked even more confused. "I- Romance?" She glanced around to see if there was anyone else present but, while there were lots of gems busy in the rebel camp, there weren't any by the storage shed she and Ruby were standing in front of.

"Yeah!" remarked Ruby. "When you're romantic with someone, you give them a wink and then they give you one back. It's, like, the rules. And I've been winking at lots of people for days now but no one ever winks back. But then I realized that a wink is just a one-eyed blink and Nephrites only have one eye so they only ever wink." She gasped as a deep mystery became clear. "So that's how Ruby got romantic with Sapphire, 'cause Sapphires only have one eye too!"

Nephrite jumped back and sputtered out, "What?! You think we're-" and she could only gesture between them while her cheeks flushed.

Ruby grinned widely up at her new sweetheart. "Yeah! Totally!" She winked again, a special show of affection for her special gem.

The Nephrite stood, aghast, too lovestruck to speak.

A beat passed and Ruby's smile dimmed. "I'm not actually sure what we do now." A red arm reaching up to scratch one ear. "I guess we fuse." She looked up at Nephrite questioningly. "What do you think a Ruby and a Nephrite make together?"

That snapped her dearest Nephrite out of her daze. "Nope!” she exclaimed. “Abandon ship." Then she jumped up and grabbed the lip of the storage shed. "Launching all escape pods," she muttered as she pulled herself up onto the roof of the building. "Ejecting in three-two-" and she vanished from sight, a whump, thump, and distant clang signaling that she had probably just ran across the roof and jumped onto the top of Bismuth's forge on the other side.

"Wait! Come back!" Ruby tried to jump up but everything was too high and nothing was Ruby-sized so instead of pursuing her lost sweetie she just smacked into the side of the shed. She collapsed in the dirt, hands raised to her mouth as she shouted, "You need to give me an unwink first so I can be back on the market! I don't want to go behind your back; I'm not that kind of Ruby!"

Her green darling failed to return, leaving Ruby behind in more ways than one. The short romantic flopped back in the dirt and kicked her arms and legs in a tantrum, heat rolling off her in waves of frustration. "Raaah!" she bellowed, then had to cough as her flailing got dirt in her mouth.

There was a flicker of motion and then a calm and confident voice said, "She ran away."

Ruby stopped mid-flail. She knew that voice. Every Ruby knew that voice. It was a Ruby's voice but also not a Ruby's voice and as far as the rebel Rubies were concerned, that Ruby was the Rubiest Ruby to ever rebel.

Pushing herself up, she saw her. Them? She saw Garnet. Ruby nodded, getting to her feet and brushing some of the dirt off her. "Yeah. We shared a wink and then she left," her voice equal parts confused and forlorn. "I thought that was against the rules. How is this romance thing supposed to work?"

Garnet looked at her for a long second, her third eye wide open. Then it closed and she gave Ruby a soft smile. "Before they had joined the Rebellion, Ruby and Sapphire spent a time exploring the Earth together. While exploring, Ruby found a frog and offered it to Sapphire. If you look for a frog, you'll find the answers you're looking for."

Ruby's face lit up, hands clutched under her chin. "Really?!"

Garnet nodded, smile deepening slightly.

"Woo!" exclaimed Ruby, ebullient once more. "I'm gonna find so many frogs and get so many answers and then Ruby and Ruby will never say my ideas are bad ever again!"

Excitedly she looked to Garnet for a response but she found the fusion was gone. Oh well, Ruby had a mission and she wasn't going to delay a second longer! Shoulders back and chest puffed out, Ruby strode boldly forward. "Look out, frogs: here comes Ruby!"

It wasn't until she reached the end of the block that she slowed down, a sudden look of hesitancy crossing her face. "Uh, what is a frog?"

---

Everyone knew that Zircon knew everyone, so that was where Ruby was headed now. The rebel attorney was in charge of the Rebellion's intelligence network. Ruby hadn't known what that was when she joined the Rebellion but a Carnelian had explained to her that a bunch of rebels pretended to be not-rebels and then shared their gossip about Homeworld to Zircon, who figured out the important parts and shared that with the generals. That way Rose Quartz and Citrine knew where to go so they could hit Homeworld the hardest.

Ruby had taken this to mean that intelligence was about being the best at punching and the Carnelian had laughed and said that that was the best answer ever. Ruby was really good at punching things so that meant she was also really intelligent, so it made sense her answer was pretty great.

Squeezing past a cluster of Amethysts, Ruby walked over to where Zircon was, which was easy to find because there were, like, forty holographic displays floating in the air around the tall, pink gem.

"That's the fifth new Peridot squad warped to Earth this year," muttered Zircon, eyes roving over the displays. "They're definitely preparing new infrastructure, but where? If only I had some eyes inside the Ziggurat I could probably-" She paused, noticing Ruby.

The holographic displays parted, forming into neat stacks to either side while leaving the air between them clear. "You're the Ruby who asked out Nephrite," stated the lawyer, data streaming across the gem's monocle. Ruby didn't ask how she was aware of this because she was Zircon and if you started asking each time she knew something, you'd never get to do anything else.

"Yeah," muttered Ruby, kicking a rock and scratching the back of her neck. "We shared a wink but then she climbed a roof and ran away."

"Oh, that is marvelous," said Zircon in a level voice. She didn't sound excited --Zircon never did-- but there was a sparkle in her eyes as more data streamed across her monocle.

Ruby considered giving her a wink before thinking better of it.

"It is?" she asked instead.

A trio of new displays appeared in front of the pink gem. "Oh yes. It does some very interesting things for betting pools seven, seventeen, and forty-three." She glanced past the display, looking at Ruby once more. "A wink, you say?"

In addition to knowing half the gossip on Earth, she also ran all of the Rebellion's betting pools. Zircon really liked her betting pools.

Ruby nodded earning an answer of, "Marvelous," from the gem, Zircon’s eyes on her data once more.

Ruby waited patiently for as long as she could --about twenty seconds-- then blurted out, "I'm on a mission but I don't know what a frog is!"

Fields parting, the data stopped streaming across the monocle and Zircon stared at Ruby. "I... see." Then there was that twinkle to her eyes again. "You should ask Novaculite. She knows all about frogs."

"She does?!"

"As far as you're aware, yes," answered the mirthful attorney and she gestured towards the barracks.

"Alright. Thanks Zircon!" cheered Ruby, already turning to jog across the camp.

"Marvelous," muttered the pink gem before returning to her non-punching-based intelligence work. "Hmm, perhaps the infrastructure work is oceanic. I'll canvas the Moissanites; one of them would know if it were."

---

Ruby found Rutile and Novaculite standing in front of a barracks, the wall of which was painted with bright colors.

"And?" pressed Rutile, gesturing to the art. It was a mural that ran across the length of the barracks wall. On the far left side were colorful dots, neatly arranged in lines with other dots of the same color. Further along the wall the lines became less neat and in places dots of one color were next to dots of a different color. By the right end of the wall it was like a cloud of dots, some grouped, some spread out, all mixed higgledy-piggledy.

Novaculite squinted, a hand running through her white hair to briefly reveal the pale gemstone hidden at the back of her neck. "Um, it's really- I mean, you were clearly..." She glared at the wall and made a face.

Novaculite let her hands drop. "Oh, jank it. Rutile, I have no idea what in the empty sky that is supposed to be. Your art is normally kind of schist but at least when you draw an injector I know it's an injector."

"Novi!" barked Rutile, arms akimbo. "You don't have to like it, but you could at least try and be nice about it."

Ruby started to speak up but Novaculite preempted her, the grey Quartz saying to Rutile, "Nice?" She snorted then extended a hand out to Rutile. "Hi, I'm Novaculite."

Rutile rolled her eyes. "I know who you are, Novi."

"You clearly don't or you wouldn't have expected nice," answered the Quartz, ending with a snarky chuckle.

Ruby stared at the barracks wall for a moment longer then said, "Wait, is that supposed to be, like, the Rebellion?"

Novaculite looked at Ruby, only just now noticing her. "What?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Rutile.

"What?!" barked Novaculite, eyes going from Ruby to Rutile and back in disbelief.

Ruby pointed at the left end. "Yeah, 'cause this is like Homeworld, all 'stand here' and 'do this.' But over here it's more like the Rebellion, where people can stand anywhere they want!" Then she threw a punch to further show how smart she was.

"That's exactly right," purred Rutile. Ruby winked at her but Rutile just crossed her arms and gave Novaculite a smug look. "I guess my work isn't such schist after all."

Novaculite glowered, first at Rutile, then at Ruby. She said in a harsh voice, "What are you doing here, you little shin-kicker?"

Since shin-kicking was a proud Ruby attack move, Ruby knew she was talking to her. "I need to find a frog. For romance."

Novaculite and Rutile shared confused looks, the former saying to the latter, "Those were words but I'll be janked if I know what they mean."

Rutile took a step closer, crouching down so she was Ruby's height. "Hey," she said in a soft voice, "You're not cracked are you? We can find Rose together if you need help." She turned her head to try and get a better look at the stone on Ruby's elbow.

"No," said Ruby, the one rolling her eyes this time. These two must be terrible punchers. "Garnet told me to find a frog but I don't know what that is so I asked Zircon and she said Novaculite knew all about frogs."

The grey Quartz grumped out, "Of course she did," before looking at Ruby directly. "Look, runt, Zircon is messing with you. Which, fine, whatever; who hasn't scuffed a Ruby's stone for the fun of it. But worse, she's messing with me through you, and that's pure coprolite. So go run in circles or whatever it is you do all day, because Zircon is just having you on."

Ruby's mouth became a line and she crossed her arms stubbornly. "Nuh-uh. Zircon said you knew about frogs and she knows about everything." Ruby paused, dazed by a new thought. "Except frogs, I guess, otherwise she wouldn't have sent me to you." Shaking her head, she returned to her defiant pose. "So stop hiding all your frog secrets. I bet you're just trying to keep all the romance for yourself, you greedy jerk!"

Rutile was about to say something but Novaculite preempted her, saying in a sardonic tone, "Oh, harsh burn, pebble. You nearly poofed me with that one."

The ruddy artist swatted Novaculite in rebuke then said to Ruby in a gentle voice, "Maybe Zircon meant the other Novaculite. You know, Culi instead of Nova here? I'm pretty sure she's on the edge of camp, by the crashed dropship," and she pointed.

Ruby blinked. "Oh, that makes sense." She revised upward her opinion of Rutile's punching skills. "Thanks!" Already jogging away, Ruby shouted over her shoulder, "And I like your art!"

---

The little Ruby sprinted away as fast as her stubby legs could take her.

"Good luck with your frog thing," called Rutile. Then she said to Novaculite, "What even is a frog?"

"A moron attractor, apparently," snarked the Quartz.

Rutile breathed out long and slow, shaking her head. "It's a lucky thing you're cute," she muttered.

Novaculite nodded, expression serious. "You don't have to tell me. My hot butt is the one with friends; I'm just along for the ride."

---

"Hi Novaculite!" cheered Ruby. "I mean, hi Culi!" she corrected. Nicknames were fun but kind of hard to keep track of sometimes.

Culi was standing just past the last building in camp, her bow summoned and an arrow nocked. In the distance was a downed Homeworld dropship, shot down by Culi herself years ago.

“One second,” said the Quartz in a commanding voice, gaze never straying from her target. A beat later she loosed her arrow, the missile flying so far Ruby had to squint to follow its flight.

It was hard to tell but she was pretty sure the arrow went through a hole in the cockpit. That was Culi's target, after all, and Culi pretty much never missed her target.

Culi stood tall and brave-looking, eyes fixed on the aircraft. Then the bow dissolved from her hands and the gem seemed to shrink in on herself, shoulders drooping and her head turning this way and that, worried. It was one of those weird things you got used to seeing after long enough in the Rebellion.

"Hello Ruby," said Culi quietly as if trying not to be heard.

Ruby smiled up at the grey gem. "Do you know what a frog is?"

Culi nodded, offering Ruby a weak smile. "Yeah. It's an organic. Small, usually green or brown. Lives near the water. I sometimes see them in the stream near camp."

"Great! Thanks! I need one for answers," explained Ruby.

The famed rebel archer gave her a questioning side glance but what she said was, "I can help you find one." A pause and she seemed to shrink in on herself again. "If you want, I mean."

"Yeah, that'd be great!" and Ruby took Culi's hand, all but dragging the grey gem in the direction of the distant stream.

A messy half-hour followed, Ruby caked in mud up to her shoulders. Even Culi was splashed and muddy in places though she must have found the frog hunt fun given the wan smile on her face.

The frog in question was about twice as big as Ruby's fist, its skin slippery and it wriggled in her grip. While Garnet hadn't explicitly said what condition the frog needed to be in, Ruby assumed it was more romantic if the frog was unhurt when offered so she'd taken care not to get too hot or grab it too hard.

Ruby held it over her head in triumph, not caring when bits of mud and pond water dripped off it and onto her head. "Woo!"

The frog wriggled a time or two more and then went limp, as if resigned to it's new home in Ruby's grip. A wind blew through the greenery sending ripples across the stream and nothing much happened.

"Aren't you supposed to get some answers now?" whispered Culi.

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Ruby. She turned the frog around in her hands until she was staring at it in its funny green face. "Hey frog. How is romance supposed to work?"

The frog just stared at her, occasionally making that 'rrrecha-recha' sound it'd made during the hunt. That didn't seem like particularly good advice so Ruby's mouth curled down into a pensive frown.

"Hmm. Well, Ruby gave a frog to Sapphire, so maybe it only works if I give the frog to someone else." Ruby looked around just in case there was a Nephrite nearby --there wasn't-- then splash-marched over to Culi, frog-filled hands outstretched. “Here!”

She offered a wink, for good measure.

Culi stared at her for a second and then gingerly took the frog. A beat passed and then she said, "Now what?"

"I dunno," admitted Ruby. "Do you feel romanced?"

The grey Quartz shook her head apologetically. "Not really. Just a little muddy."

"You don't feel like giving me a wink or- or fusing with me?" pressed Ruby.

Culi shook her head once more, idly stroking the frog’s head with a grey finger.

‘Rrrecha-recha,’ went the frog.

The moment stretched out and then, like Ruby's patience, it snapped.

"Ugh!" screamed the gem, startling Culi into dropping the frog. While the romantic amphibian leapt away, Ruby paced up and down the stream, thin curls of steam rising off her as mud dried and flaked off. "What was the point of this then?! I still don't know how romance is supposed to work. And frogs are kinda neat but I certainly don't see one and think, 'Gee, I would totally want to fuse with someone if they gave me one of those!' Why did Garnet send me on this mission?!"

After watching the frog hop to safety, Culi turned to Ruby and said quietly, "Did Garnet say a frog would know all that?"

"Yes!" shouted Ruby. She splashed in the stream then shouted, "Actually no!" She was in a shouty mood just then. "She said if I looked for a frog then I'd learn the answers to my questions!" Yeah, shouty.

Wiping some of the mud from her, Culi asked, "Garnet probably didn't send you on a pointless mission. Did you learn anything else that wasn't directly frog-related?"

"Yeah," muttered Ruby, stomping the water of the stream once, just because. "That I'm nothing like Ruby. Who even thinks of giving someone a frog, anyway?"

Culi, rather than opine on the character of frog-givers, simply shrugged.

"But if I'm nothing like Ruby then maybe I'm not romantic like her either," said Ruby, too deep in thought to give the water another good kick. She gasped. "What if I'm not romantic at all?! What if I'm defective?!"

Offering Ruby a hand, Culi started to guide the distraught gem out from the stream and back toward the direction of the rebel camp. "How would you know, though? Romance is subjective.” They crossed a few more yards and then she asked, “What does romance mean for you?"

Ruby shrugged. "You know, being cool like Ruby. Fusing. Being more... Garnet-y."

Culi blinked. "I don't think that's what Garnet is about," offered the quiet gem.

Ruby considered this in sullen silence as they reentered the camp. Coming to an intersection, Ruby shook her head and said, "I dunno. But thanks for helping me find the frog, Culi." She managed to smile for the meek gem even though she wasn’t really in a smiling mood.

The archer offered her a modest grin in return and bobbed her head. "Sure. It was fun. Have a good day, Ruby."

"You too!" and then let the smile slip off her face once Culi was out of sight

---

Grumbling about frogs and mysteries and romance and unrequited winks, Ruby wasn't paying attention as she tromped across camp, which was why she was surprised when she collided with an orange wall and fell on her butt.

"You okay?" asked a gravelly voice.

Ruby blinked and looked up to see Jasper, the Jasper, towering over her. A group of four Rubies were clustered around the perfect Quartz, fawning over her, complimenting her, or in one case, literally trying to scale her. Jasper paid them no mind.

"Yeah, sorry," answered Ruby, getting back on her feet. "Actually, can I ask you something personal?"

Jasper shook her head. "No, I won't go on a date with you," she said with perfect patience.

Ruby's eyes opened in surprise. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that." Then she remembered who she was talking to. "I mean, I'm super flattered because you're, like, the Jasper."

"Yeah she is!" said a Ruby clinging to the Quartz' foot.

"But I think I need to figure some things out for myself before I try to get into anything serious again," offered Ruby. She hoped Jasper wasn't too disappointed.

"I... see," said the towering warrior. "That's wise."

"Thanks!" chirped Ruby. “Actually, you’re busy so nevermind. Sorry for walking into you.” Then she waved at Jasper, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, and Ruby and went on her way.

A block later she slowed to a halt. "Wait a minute!"

It was at that time that Garnet stepped out from around a corner. "You learned something," she said.

"Yeah, I did!" exclaimed Ruby, smiling.

Then she kicked Garnet in the shin, adding, "But that's for sending me on a stupid frog mission to learn it!"

Garnet received the kick with stoic acceptance. Ruby tossed in one more for good measure.

"A relationship," explained the fusion now that Ruby considered the matter settled, "is as meaningful as the people involved make it. The frog had special meaning to Ruby and Sapphire. Learn what is meaningful to you and then you'll know what to look for for yourself."

"Well, it's not a frog," asserted Ruby.

"No," agreed Garnet. "It's not."

The fusion stood there, waiting expectantly. Ruby looked at her questioningly. That made her think about frogs which then made her think about... "Um, do you know where Culi is?"

Garnet had the hint of a smile while she pointed the way.

Notes:

This is set pre-Schism, hence one big, happy Rebellion and no Lapis on Earth yet.

If you're reading this on the week of August 14th, you may be wondering why this omake went up instead of the start of Episode 37. The cause for that unexpected delay was detailed in the CS Discord, but rest assured that Ep37 will kickoff next Wednesday without further delay.

Chapter 73: It's Not Too Late To Try Again

Chapter by br42, Darkspirit

Summary:

After learning that Lapis went by the Universe household to talk about Connie’s grounding over fusing, Steven looks for more relationship/fusion advice from the other mature source he knows: his parents.

Notes:

BR42 here. Darkspirit's third omake is set shortly after the events of chapters 1 and 2 of Episode 33: Notes from the Undergrounded: you'll want to have read that far to have the fullest grasp of what's being referenced here.

As before, this is Darkspirit's omake, not mine, and I thank 'em for adding it to the Omake Collection!

If you're curious, their other two omakes are, Weren’t we destiny partners?:

Steven’s head is a mess as he tries to deal with Pink’s shards’ revelation and, more importantly, the tension between him and Connie. This happens while Steven, Connie, and the CGs are in Jasper's room, in the Connie Epilogue of The Return episode.

...and Turquoise Haven:

Finding herself squished between inadequacy and anxiety thanks to Rose’s shenanigans, Peridot looks for some comforting and relaxation. Maybe her blue companion can help her.

Today has been a BIG SURPRISE day, Steven , the boy thought after his fusion talk with Lapis.

That Miss Lapis and Miss Peridot had planned a little chitchat with both his and Connie’s parents, well, dad in his girlfriend’s case, while they were busy was one thing but to ‘ambush’ them - Is that the correct term? Connie and he weren’t attacked, to be honest - so the two gems could convince them to stop fusing because of their drama-full record was another and quite…alarming?

No, he shouldn’t be alarmed. Sure, the Crystal Gems had issues with fusion and with Miss Garnet and now with Asmi which caused the ‘You’re grounded, missy’ incident in Connie’s house, but even if Miss Peridot and Miss Lapis were against fusing - although not as much as Jasper, thank God - he felt this conversation wasn’t a total waste at all. And the consolation prize was that at least Bismuth, of all the Crystal Gems, was happy after receiving such news.

Something is something, right? And we have Miss Garnet’s advice too , he thought cheerfully.

However, the million-dollar question remained: what to do now to convince them completely that fusion can be more than a time bomb all the time?

Many ideas came to his mind:

1)       Talk with the Crystal Gems, again, like in a debate like Connie told him she had with Miss Peridot, which could work and was the most mature option. Though he wondered if Jasper would agree to the talk because she was very straightforward about fusion in her perspective. ( Maybe if Connie and I asked for Bismuth’s help. I mean, she took it pretty well and even high-fived me )

2)       Ask for Garnet to convince the Crystal Gems. But no, that would be pretty risky and could cause a big fight between her and Connie’s gem family and give Jasper a good excuse to beat Miss Garnet and more obviously, if he and Connie asked Miss Garnet for her help she would say no because she’d use her future vision and see an incoming fight between her and Jasper.

3)       Asking Jeff if his mom is counseling for couples, then taking the three to her so they can talk about their feelings, try to reach a compromise and trust each other more.

4)       …

…

…

Darn! He didn’t have a number four option! Those three were the only ones in his head. But wait, Asmi was left out of the list. Although, come to think of it, maybe it would be better not to fuse in front of the Crystal Gems. No no, that was what they wanted them to do, to not fuse. Besides, Connie wasn’t grounded because of that but because of her summoning her sword and defending Amethyst and Pearl and letting them flee Earth in front of Miss Peridot, Miss Lapis and Jasper.

However, fusing the first time in front of them freaked them out, so Asmi appearing again could only add more fuel to the fire even if it showed the Crystal Gems that fusion was great and fun and not drama-prone or scary.

At least Connie and I don’t have the same troubles as them. We trust each other and understand each other. We don't have a bunch of hurt, angry, unresolved feelings between us like Jasper, Miss Peridot and Miss Lapis.

Though there was a bit of doubt. The svelte gem’s words reverberated in his mind with a finality that was more fatalist than wise now that he remembered.

Hiddenite's a blast and I'm sure Asmi is too, but when you look at me and Dot, or me and Jasper for that matter, do any of us look like we're happier for having those giant skeletons in our closets? If Peridot and I can make something work, it'll be despite fusion, not because of it. Don't make the same mistake, Pinkie.

In part, Miss Lapis wasn’t wrong. Sometimes, fusion caused big troubles and then the Crystal Gems were too immersed in those troubles to find a solution. Or one of them disapproved of fusion and broke the moment in a not-so-graceful way like Jasper had on New Year’s Eve and the Fourth of July. But it was more from not being prepared for fusion, or considering it nothing more than a tool. The Crystal Gems weren’t as experienced with fusing well despite how powerful Malachite was or how good of a fighter Tiger’s Eye was or Hiddenite being funny and cheerful.

Although he has seen some improvements in Miss Lapis and Miss Peridot when the Fourth of July was nearing, their fusion wasn’t as unpredictable as Connie and he’d thought, and he would have loved it if Hiddenite had given them her approval about being fused. The main obstacle would have been Jasper, who wasn’t that easy to impress and convince.

But they were different from them. Connie and he were really prepared and a good team. What Miss Lapis told him were just warnings because she cared, not because something awful would happen to them, right?

Geez, now he was worried about that too much. He needed someone to talk to, needed pretty adult advice about relationships even if it was related to fusion. Connie was the most mature of them so maybe… No, she probably wanted some time to think about this by herself; Connie had that heroic loner thing about her sometimes and Steven wanted to respect that.

Looking for Miss Garnet could work, though what else could she tell him? It seems she had said everything he and Connie needed to know about how fusion can work and what people shouldn’t do if they want to fuse. Well, gem-people.

Let’s see, who else can know about good relationships and is also mature enough to give advice like Miss Garnet?

“Steven, darling, dinner is ready,” his mom exclaimed from the kitchen just loud enough for him to hear clearly. Of course, Mom and Dad can know! He smiled at that idea and left his room to prepare the table for dinner.

“So, Shtu-ball, you discovered a new ability you and Connie share, right?” Dad started the conversation amiably though Steven hadn’t listened to a bit of the first part, distracted in the questions he wanted to ask his parents.

“Uh? Oh, sorry Dad, I was thinking. You were talking about me and Connie fusing?”

“Yeah exactly. To be honest, it was a big surprise for me and I’m 100% sure it was for your mother too when she found out” 

Mom nodded a bit although she smiled at him sweetly to assure him that she was fine.

“Surprising and really exciting! It was like when Vegeta and Goku fused into this super cool saiyan or when WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon became Omegamon in Digimon: The Movie and defeated the evil guy!” Steven’s smile looked like one of those Las Vegas-like signs, all colorful and bright that could enchant everyone within miles of him. Then, suddenly, his cheerfulness dulled a little when he remembered what he wanted to talk about. “You’re not mad at me or Connie, aren’t you? I mean, Mom, I know it was a big freaking-you-out-accidentally thing but we didn’t mean to cause trouble or anything and we are fine. We aren’t sick or anything else and Miss Peridot even—

“Sweetie, it’s okay” Mom stopped his rant “Of course, it was a huge surprise to see both of you fused because I thought that was Connie’s gem family’s special ability, not something she was starting to learn. But I’m not mad, just… Just a bit worried. You know that Lapis told us why Connie was grounded, right?”

“Yeah, because they don’t like fusion. Well, it’s not that the three of them don’t like it but Jasper thinks it’s more of a strategy than anything else and should be saved for drastic measures, Miss Lapis thinks it could ruin my relationship with Connie and maybe Miss Peridot thinks that too.”

“And what do you think about it, Shtu-ball? I mean it is more about you and Connie than what your girl’s caregivers think, right?”

“I told Miss Lapis that Asmi, that’s the name of me and Connie’s fusion, by the way, is all about fun. Any kind of fun without bringing trouble or drama. But then she asked how Connie and I could unfuse like nothing because according to her, someone can stay in the fusion even if the other person didn’t want to which was kind of…” Bad, red-flag bad “-complicated and even if she is still against me and Connie fusing, at least she believes we’ll learn if something goes wrong.”

Mom and Dad looked at each other in a way that reminded Steven of that time he’d overheard their conversation about him going to missions with Connie, and how worried and apprehensive they were. Well, that was more Mom than Dad to be honest, and right now he was having the slight suspicion that Mom was going to tell him to not get involved in Connie’s gem business anymore.

---

Steven’s parents shared a look, each aware of the choppy waters this conversation was heading into.

Mary could barely contain the trepidation that ran through her veins after listening to the middle part. However, unfortunately and fortunately, Greg was doing a good job in calming her down despite his growing concern, though deep within himself he wanted to give the Crystal Gems the benefit of the doubt. The question was: what to do once the line between order and madness was crossed or about to be?

For both of them, Mary especially, the answer was very obvious but difficult at the same time. Of course, they knew Steven would never accept being separated from Connie, of not helping her in her missions even if it was for the sake of the two. And if the girl found out about this, she’d resist it tooth and nail. Mary and Greg had trusted him in being honest with them concerning this matter. But now…

Mary looked at her husband like she was asking him what to do, what to say because she had the mom-like right thing to say but it could potentially cause a fight between her and Steven, which was the last thing on her to-do list.

Watching her eyes growing with heavy uncertainty and edgy despair, Greg wondered too what was best now that another issue related to Connie’s family had come out to the light. The Crystal Gems were powerful and confident in their own ways which gave him some hope that they could take care of the girl more wisely than what they’d witnessed over the New Year’s Eve disaster Hiddenite caused. However, when you realize that someone in your son’s girlfriend’s family is sliiiiiightly controlling no matter how laid back they are, then you have to put boundaries even if that meant breaking some hearts. Though there should be better options.

You saw what happened! Like ... is it healthy for Connie to be around that?

Still... this is right, right?

Remembering Mary’s concerns after the New Year’s Eve party and her nervousness about letting their boy help Connie and the Crystal Gems in their missions, he could see that it was really difficult trying to be supportive of your child while being painfully aware that the family of your child’s best friend is beneath the standard level of emotional and psychological healthiness AND too immersed in things that are dangerous for youngsters.

Greg suppressed a sigh and took a bite to give him time to get his words in order. This dad-business could be complicated stuff even before you added in magic.

---

“OK, OK, so before we jump to conclusions, what if you explain to us everything you know or understand about this fusion matter, Steven?” Dad looked at him, waiting for a way to alleviate the tension.

Steven sighed in his mind. If there was someone who could find a light at the end of the tunnel-mess that sometimes was the Crystal Gems, that was Dad. So, he started his explanation using the chat he and Connie had had in private with Miss Garnet, and he also explained who she was and went on and on. Mom’s expression slowly shifted from worried to intrigued, while Dad’s went from interested to awed .

“And that’s why Miss Lapis, Miss Peridot and Jasper don’t agree with me and Connie about fusion. I mean, they have seen how stable and wizard-wise Miss Garnet is but Miss Lapis believes she is the only exception and what she does to not end up as a time bomb will not work on her or the others. Bismuth didn’t mind fusion thankfully even if she doesn’t seem interested in fusion for herself; she says she likes to get her own hands dirty. Also, now that I remember, I wanted to ask you for some bits of relationship advice because apart from Miss Garnet, you two are the best, most mature relationship-masters I know!”

Mom, after a long and tense space taken by silence, sighed heavily. Her face conveyed a lot of conflicting emotions. Mainly worry and hope. She had to admit that despite her doubts and fears of what the Crystal Gems’ drama agenda had in store for Connie and Steven, the two were really lucky to have found someone who could give them guidance even if it came from a former Crystal Gem’s enemy.

“Honey,” she started, resolution and hesitation trying to be balanced. “After, you know, New Year’s Eve I was pretty stressed about how combative Connie’s caregivers were with each other and the consequences of that all put on the girl’s back. Don’t take this wrong, I know you befriended them and respect them, and your father and I respect them too, but… Well, with the way they deal with some problems, it’s difficult to be all positive. Though I’m happy you have met a responsible gem like Garnet to take as an example.”

He nodded, understanding of Mom’s fears. “I know that what happened back then was a ‘what the what?’ in a very ugly way. And the same happened on the Fourth of July, although it wasn’t as bad. But if Connie and I find a way to show them that Asmi is awesome and strong and drama-free then they will start learning to see fusion as something more than a time bomb or a tactic. Also, even if Miss Lapis told me that she and Miss Peridot wanted to work things out without fusion being in the way, they really enjoy fusing but what they need is more practice in honesty, trust, and respect, like Miss Garnet said.”

“It’s very responsible for you to have thought about asking us for relationship advice, kiddo,” said Dad. “And also, quite flattering considering that you and Connie have Garnet as a model too. But anyway, what you have to know about relationships is that no matter the age or anything else, they can be a handful or really easy, depending on the people who explore them. Look at your mom and me: I was all but disowned after I refused to give up on my musical dreams—”

“And I was suffocating in a conservative family that wouldn’t give me an inch of breathing room,” Mary intervened softly. “But in the end, we both made the same decision of running from our homes to start a new life, then we met each other and gradually became everything to each other.”

“And was it scary?” Steven asked with his eyes sparkling from storytime.

“At first it was,” Dad responded. “We were young, foolish and reckless in our own ways like any teenager. Full of hormones, hopes, frustrations and wondering who we were and what could we do now that we were free from some…unpleasant parts of our old lives. Sometimes we got it right, other times we made mistakes and put the blame on someone else. There were times when we fought so much and then cried double and asked the other why we fought and didn’t know the answer. But even those hard moments were good for us because they taught us how to be stronger and take care of each other better.”

Steven mused a bit about it. Stupidity, irresponsibility, stubbornness, he had seen those traits many times in Miss Lapis -not that he thought that way about her, she was super cool and fun- though he’d also witnessed her resilience when things got pretty bad by defending Miss Peridot from Jasper’s reprimand in Fourth of July and when she helped him and Connie on their first couple mission on the gem island.

“So, uh,” he tried to make the question as understandable as he could. “You and Mom matured because you grew up. I don’t know how Jasper, Miss Lapis and Miss Peridot can do that, I mean, they have lived for so many years. Hundreds, thousands of years and recently I’ve seen, like you two, that sometimes they don’t get along and when two fuse the other scolds them and then the three fight, one blames the other, they get angry and isolated from the group or don’t want to talk to the other…”

“You want to know how we made it even if we haven’t lived as long as the Crystal Gems, right Hun?” Mom prompted.

“Yeah! Exactly! Because, if you can be bajillion years old then why not be mature enough for things like relationship or fusion or just to get along? Although, Miss Lapis always looks like a slightly old teenager, like the same age as Lars and Sadie and even acts that way. Miss Peridot is more like you and Dad, adult and responsible. Jasper too, though she can go overboard sometimes,” he said, remembering the projecting-like training the powerful Quartz subjecting him to, it gave Steven some shivers.

“Well, kiddo, you can be 100 or 1000 years old and still play videogames or make jokes at the wrong times. The number of your age doesn’t determine how mature you can be, that’s up to you only. And it applies to everyone, even Connie’s gem family. But the point is, it took us a long time for your mom and me to better ourselves and know the other. It wasn’t easy because we were without support from our families and being young and adventurous sometimes led to more trouble than we could handle.”

“It was worth it, all of that,” Mom said while hugging Dad with her left arm. He smiled and blushed fondly.

“Yeah, it was. And that’s the important thing, Shtu-ball. There will be obstacles, rainy days, stormy ones, fights, disagreements, confusion, and drama. But if both people see the positive through the adversity then they will realize their relationship is worthwhile and carry it to the next level. And not only will they mature together and learn from each other, but they’ll also discover new things about themselves. Sure, some will be less than pleasant but it’s normal in everyone. Perfection doesn’t exist after all, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good traits you can find along the way. So, as long as you and Connie work together to see the positive in whatever problems you might have in the future, you both can achieve anything.”

“Even fusion?”

“Even that. Though you two were a step ahead when you both fused and have taken it seriously, pal.” Dad gave him a thumbs up proudly, much to Steven’s delight.

“The last thing you shouldn’t forget, hun,” Mom looked at him with a mix of seriousness and love and apprehension, “is that if something happens and it becomes too much for you and Connie, then give each other some time to reflect and be on your own. I don’t mean being distant and cold, just in case if things get too complicated. This way you may find a solution when you least expect it.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks, Mom, Dad. You know, you’re even as good as Miss Garnet about relationships. You three would be great friends. Or, like, super relationship coaches.”

Mom and Dad laughed, happy to see him satisfied. “Something I’ll keep in mind if the car wash doesn’t work out,” joked Dad.

Night came and Steven got in his bed, ready to sleep, but not without thinking about everything his parents told him about relationships. Sure, there were issues when the Crystal Gems delved into that, but Connie and he could figure it out and weren’t alone at all in this. And maybe, with a bit of luck, both would prove them wrong. Fusion, like relationships, can be scary and hard to process sometimes, but in the end, it was worth it when everyone worked it out and respected each other.

And he knew that Jasper, Miss Lapis and Miss Peridot would find that resolution one day.

 

Wherever we go, we go together

Chapter 74: Power Testing: Metallokinesis

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Lapis, Jasper, Bismuth, Connie, and Steven spend the day testing Peridot's new ability to sense and manipulate metal. Observations, both scientific and decidedly unscientific, are made.

Notes:

BR42 here. At the conclusion of Episode 38, Peridot unlocked her ability to levitate metal around her. Aside from being part of the long-awaited culmination of a major character arc, it's also something that desperately needs some guidelines before it gets unleashed on the fic itself. Using the show (and movie) as guidelines, my co-creators and I tried to hash out the limits of this power while still keeping it to something that would neither be so strong as to derail our story nor so weak as to be undeserving of such a milestone for Peridot.

Anyway, consider all of this to be happening at some unspecified time during Episode 39. As with the previous three Power Testing omakes, I’ve attempted to include enough quips and comedic moments and character beats to make a dry chapter (hopefully) fun. This omake is 100% canonical. I hope you enjoy it.

Peridot could manipulate metal at a distance. This power was a pleasant surprise that came with her realization of deeper truths: of the primacy of technological progress and how her true value resided not in her peripherals but rather within her capacity for and pursuit of scientific understanding of the universe around her.

Despite being, in the objective sense, the lesser discovery among her recent epiphanies, everyone else in the Beach House had been rather... fixated on Peridot's new magical power.

"Eeeeeh!" shrieked Lapis before the first demonstration was even complete.

Jasper's eyes had gone wide in a rare display of abject surprise.

Bismuth smiled wider and wider as the demonstrations continued before giving a great hooting laugh and slapping Peridot so hard on the back it sent the technician into a pratfall.

"Eeeeeh!" continued Lapis.

Connie pulled her mom Peridot into a hug so enthusiastic the two had to spin around one another to bleed off momentum, all while praise and excitement poured from the girl's lips.

Steven was trying to run across the living room to retrieve his power diary from his backpack but kept getting interrupted by his own extremely enthusiastic speculations and superhero-media comparisons.

"Eeeeeh!" finished Lapis before swooping down from the loft and knocking Peridot to the floor in a tackle-hug.

By popular demand a power testing was scheduled for the first available morning which, admittedly, was a few days coming given other tasks of greater urgency dominating the group's time and attention.

Finally, on a cold but unusually windless day in December, everyone gathered on the beach in front of the Beach House to test this exciting new power.

---

Below are the distilled notes from the day’s exercises, compiled by Peridot and Connie, with additional observations from Steven, Lapis, Jasper, and Bismuth.

Test 1: Degree of Overt Force Exertable Alpha (How 'strong' is Peridot's metallokinesis)
A series of paired stations were set up: two lift stations, two pull stations, and two push stations, where a tester could attempt to lift, pull, or push, respectively, a measured amount of weight. One station was intended to be interacted with through muscular strength while the other was laden with carefully measured iron weights intended for testing metallokinetic might.

For the sake of having useful benchmarks for comparison, Connie, Steven, Lapis, and Jasper were undergoing the same test regime.

{I've got my lucky sweatband on and one of Dad's weight lifting belts.}
{Nice, Pinky. Actually, that reminds me of Con-con's super tights from when she was six-}
[Connie sputters and chokes on her water]
{See, she had these leggings with stripes on them and she called them 'power stripes' and then-}
{Lapis! No!}
{-outside of those she'd put on these striped undies and she claimed that when the stripes lined up they gave her super GAH!}
{[Tackles Lapis, pins her face first in the sand] Nothing to see here!}

Bismuth, meanwhile, will be monitoring the equipment for signs of wear or dangerous levels of strain. Safety goggles were issued to all attendants and Daneel was on standby in case medical aid was required.

{Other than Blue getting sand-slammed by Alloy, that is.}
[Muffled noises from Lapis.]
{[Jasper dropped a set of goggles on Lapis' pinned form] She's fine.}
[Angry, muffled noises from Lapis.]

Connie, Steven, Jasper, and Lapis (allowed up by Connie and washing herself clean with a sweep of water)[Raspberry] all took turns at the pull station while Peridot attempted the same with her metallokinesis while standing at the station in question. The results were recorded and a brief rest was called after five repetitions were made.

Test 2: Degree of Overt Force Exertable Beta
The same test was repeated for the push stations.

{Wow, you're really strong, Jasper.}
[Faint smile]
{She is, but Green isn't too far behind her. You know, I've got this oversized sword I made for an Amethyst fusion back at the Forge. How would you feel about having a hover-zweihänder in your arsenal?}
{Well, I-}
{Don't listen to Skittles, Dot. She's just trying to undercut my 'action babe with a really big weapon' shtick.}
{...We can converse on this another time, Bismuth.}

Test 3: Degree of Overt Force Exertable Gamma
The same test was repeated for the lift stations.

{Do you even lift, bro? Because Dot does! Look at that! Go Peri-cles the Mighty!}
{[Straining] Peri- Pericles was a statesman and not renowned for his strength.}
{Go Hercu-dot the Pedantic!}

Conclusion: Each participant's performance at the stations was averaged. From these were derived the benchmark values for Connie, Steven, Lapis, and Jasper's pull/push/lift performance. In all tests, Peridot's raw metallokinetic strength was nearest to Jasper's while--

{Hold up. We need units of measurement, Green.}
{That seems reasonable. The recordings measure in kilograms, pounds, and Newtons so-}
{No, look at this: Alloy is about 1/10th as strong as Jasper, Meatball is 2/10ths, Blue is 4/10ths, and you were pretty close to Jaz herself. So Blue is .4JUs or Jaz Units and you're roughly 1 JU.}
{I... see.}
{I like it.}
{Yeah, you would, OJ.}
{.2JU? Woo! I can't wait to tell my PE coach!}
{Not bad, Pinky. Though I bet Con-con would have whooped up on all of us if only she’d been wearing those power stripes of hers.}
{You do know that I can summon a sword to stab you, zap you with electricity, or mind-whammy you whenever I feel like it, right?}
{[turning to Steven] She was also a lot sweeter back when she was wearing those power stripes too.}

In the push and pull tests, Peridot's raw metallokinetic strength was roughly .9JU. {I will admit, that is a surprisingly elegant form of measure.} In the lift test, it was 1.1JU. It is hypothesized that the difference comes from Jasper being able to use her mass to good effect pushing and pulling, something metallokinesis lacks. In lifting, however, the force was able to support the entire mass evenly rather than relying on only two points of contact (i.e. hands), which allowed for a more efficient application of force.

In summation, the raw metallokinetic force was roughly equivalent to Jasper's muscular might, plus or minus circumstantial influences.

---

Test 4: Degree of Directed Force Exertable Alpha (How fast/forceful can metallokinesis move something? What is its projectile-launching capabilities?)
Iron bars (lengths of rebar salvaged from the abandoned quarry) were brought out, with sensors and targets arranged to test force and accuracy.

{Just looking at those is giving me tetanus, Dot.}
{Yes, they are coated in rust, Laz, but that has no bearing on their feasibility as projectiles.}
{Also, Sadie was super menacing with one of those when we first stumbled across Umbra. They're pretty weapon-y to me, Mom.}
{Thank you, dear.}
{Are we still not gonna bring up Alloy calling Green 'Mom'?}
{Shhh, BM. They think we haven't noticed yet. Just let 'em have this for now.}

While accuracy has proven... challenging-- {For now, stick to other forms of attack against anything smaller than a Moissanite.}{Oh! Burned by OJ!} --the actual force and range measured was comparable to that of equivalent terrestrial armaments like a commercial harpoon gun.

{I mean, me and Connie poofed the worm monster with a harpoon gun and that was pretty cool.}
{Really cool. [peck on the cheek]}
{D'aww! You two are better than manga and daytime TV combined.}
{...Thanks?}

---

Test 5: Force Exertable over a Distance Alpha (How 'strong' is the metallokinesis at range?)
The metallic push/pull/lift stations were returned to once more. Peridot attempted to interact with the contents thereof at distances of 10ft, 20ft, 30ft, 40ft, 50ft, 75ft, 100ft, and 200ft.

{Whoa, are you okay, Miss Peridot? I can get you some water or something.}
{No- I- [panting] Operating at a distance is proving... taxing, is all. But thank you, Steven.}

Performance at 10ft was not statistically different from performance adjacent. Raw force decreased linearly after that until, at 50ft it was reduced to .5JU. At greater distances the force remained consistent but was both more difficult to direct and more exhausting to sustain.

{Hey, half a JU at 50ft is more than Jaz can do at 50ft.}
[A clump of damp sand, thrown from about 50ft away, hit Bismuth in the middle of her back.]
{Point taken. It's still impressive, though, Green.}

---

Test 6: Force Exertable against different Materials Alpha (How 'strong' is metallokinesis with various metals?)
Thus far all metallokinetic tests had involved iron. Now the push/pull/lift stations were being revisited with a range of additional materials, namely steel, durasteel, copper, aluminum, nickel, tungsten, bronze, and unobtanium. Tests were performed adjacent and at range.

{Thanks for running and getting lunch, Lapis.}
{No prob, girlie. What'd I miss?}
{CURSE YOU, COPPER, YOU INSUBORDINATE TRANSITIONAL METAL!}
{...That.}

Test 7: Force Exertable against different Materials Beta
Similar push/pull/lift tests involving smaller samples of precious or difficult-to-mass metals (e.g. gold, silver, platinum, mercury, assorted high-purity Era-1 metals and alloys) were arranged against a control group of like-amounts of iron. Non-metals (e.g. wood, sand, plastic) were tested against as well.

Conclusion: Ferrous metals (e.g. iron, steel, durasteel) all behave with similar levels of efficacy. All other metals are manipulable but Peridot was unable to evoke as much force through those, with a decline in the span of 10% to 50%, depending on the metal in question. Non-metals were inaccessible to this power.

Peridot's power is not strictly ferrokinesis (i.e. manipulation of ferrous metals), as it extends to all metals, though it does operate best with iron and iron-based alloys.

{I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING, ALUMINUM! I FEEL SO BETRAYED! TO THINK I EVER EXTOLLED YOUR HIGH STRENGTH-TO-WEIGHT RATIO WHEN- [tirade continues]}
{Wow, I don't think I've ever gotten to see Green really go off on someone.}
{Good thing it's a block of metal and not a person, right Miss Bismuth?}
{Oh no. [Connie buried her face in her palms]}
{You're right, Meatball. She must be able to manipulate the element of surprise too.}
{Groooan!}
[Snickers]

Scans made detected no appreciable electro-magnetic fluctuations, indicating the power is not magnetic in nature.

---

Test 8: Degree of Metallic Proprioception Alpha (How well can Peridot sense metal in her surroundings?)
Peridot was blindfolded, with noise-cancelling headphones worn while one or more samples of metal were brought to various points at randomly-selected distances from her location. She was then quizzed to their location and physical properties (e.g. elemental composition, size, shape).

{Laz, I know that's you trying to tickle me with a feather.}
{No you don't.}
{I certainly do now.}
{[pitches voice lower, makes it gravelly] No you don't.}
[A clump of damp sand hits Lapis in the leg]
{Thank you, Jasper.}
{[pitching her voice higher in an imitation of Lapis] No problem.}
{... I do not sound like that.}
{Neither do I.}
{Please desist so we can continue testing!}

After several rounds of testing, Peridot confirmed she was able to locate metals within 50ft of her location, including several metallic items buried beneath the sand.

{I always wondered where my old tennis racket got off to. Still, how did it get 8 feet underground? Wolf?}
[Wolf, who had padded over, turned and padded away in a hurry.]

Ferrous metals were 'brightest' to her sense, with the less efficacious metals registering ‘dimmer’ to her metal-sensing power. Size, shape, and ferrous/non-ferrous composition were discernible but not, say, noticing that one block of iron had been painted or that a message had been written on another.

{I wasn't expecting someone to write a limerick on this brick of aluminum. Though I suppose it's a fair test of accuracy for surface features. Hmm, 'There once was a Jade with a lisp. Whose history was always hissed. Then she was asked, 'Who has the hottest-' LAPIS!}
{It wasn't me! Really.}
{[pitching her voice higher] Yes it was.}
{... I wanna be mad, OJ, but mostly I'm impressed. And unsettled.}
[wink]
{What's the rest of the rhyme say, Miss Peridot?}
{[launches aluminum brick into the ocean] Oops! Clumsy me. Unmastered power malfunction. Moving on!}

She was, however, capable of actively tracking the locations of individual samples as they were moved within her field of awareness. For example, she was able to point out Bismuth's location based on her armor and the weapon holstered at her hip while the gem was within roughly 50ft.

---

Test 9: Degree of Finesse via Manipulation Alpha (How well can Peridot control metal with her power?)
A crate of assorted metal-clad implements was brought out including pens, simple and complex tools from Peridot's workshop, a snare drum and tambourine previously used by Hiddenite, as well as 50 ball pit balls--
{Just don't ask me how I got 'em.}
{You stole them from a ball pit.}
{I said not to ask me, OJ!}
{It wasn't a question.} --25 of which were wrapped in aluminum foil, the other 25 wound in coils of iron baling wire.

While remaining within 10ft of the items, Peridot was asked to lift the following items into the air simultaneously: 8 balls, the tambourine, and a collection of pens, though the pens were held in a bundle. When asked to separate the pens, all save one clattered to the ground.

When asked if she could juggle--
{Sorry Miss Peridot, I know it's not very science-y; the words just kind of tumbled out.}
{...I mean, I was thinking it too, Meatball.}
[nods head]
{I was also. Sorry, Mom.}
{Oh, good, it wasn't just me.} --she revealed that she was able to do exactly that despite being unable to juggle with her hands.

{This is decidedly easier since I always know where all the objects are in their individual movements.}

She could not, however, play the snare drum with any more proficiency than she could unaided by metallokinetic powers.
{I guess Hiddenite is still the only show in town.}

Test 10: Degree of Finesse via Manipulation Beta
The same test was performed at progressively greater distances: 20ft, 30ft, 40ft, 50ft, 75ft, 100ft, and 200ft.

At 20ft, Peridot was unable to reliably manipulate more than 5 items concurrently. At 30ft the number was reduced to 3. At 40ft, the number was reduced to 2. At 50ft she could only levitate a single discrete item or a single cluster of items.

{Why the fistful of pens, Dot?}
{Actually, I think your analogy is apt: it's as though I have only a single hand-equivalent and so I can grasp one pen or a dozen but only if I grip them all together.}
{Steven has an idea! [Steven wrapped aluminum foil around his hand and then jogged out to 50ft away holding up his palm. Several seconds passed and then there was a muted 'clap' followed by Steven jumping in excitement] Woo! Metalbender high five!}

Beyond 50ft and all Peridot was capable of was simple push-pull actions. With Lapis flying away to extreme distances with a large cast iron skillet in hand, the only limit to this push-pull seemed to be line of sight, with Peridot unable to manipulate the skillet once Lapis was too far away for it to be seen clearly or when she was obscured behind an intervening object.

Test 11: Degree of Finesse via Manipulation Gamma
The same tests as before were performed while Peridot was blindfolded.

So long as the metal objects remained within the 50ft area of her metal sense, she was able to maneuver them just fine, though she could not see to dodge non-metal obstacles that were put in their way.

{Go Connie! Butterfly net for the win!}
{Thanks Steven.}
{Use the Force, Dot!}
{What does that make you, Blue? Obi-Wan Lazuli?}
{...Okay, who showed Skittles A New Hope and why wasn't I informed?}

Outside of that range and the objects succumbed to gravity, finishing whatever trajectory they were on previously like any conventional projectile.

{Still, that'd make for a mean hammer throw, Green.}
{I doubt they'd let Mo- uh, Peridot compete in that sport while using magic.}
{...There's a hammer throw SPORT?! I need to see this! Follow-up question? What other weapon-throwing sports are there?}
{[puts hand on Bismuth's shoulder] Caber toss.}
{You feel that shiver, Jaz? That's anticipation. I know what I'm checking out next vacation I get.}

Test 12: Degree of Finesse via Manipulation Delta
At a range of less than 10ft, Peridot attempted to write a sample sentence on large sheets of paper using pens whose cases were each made from a different metal. She was then tasked with attempting to juggle-- {Woo!} -- sets of spheres, each coated in a different metal.

{'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' Why'd you write that, Green?}
{It's a pangram, Bismuth, and thus a useful judge of dexterity.}
{No, Dot, it's a pengram. Those are pens. This-- [hefts cast iron skillet] --is a pan. Writing a sentence with this would be a different kind of impressive.}
{No, Laz, a pangram- It contains every letter of the- Nevermind. Let's just proceed to the juggling test, please.}

In each test Peridot's control was unchanged regardless of material, able to write legibly and juggle with reasonable success.

{Heehee!}
{Man, Meatball really loves the juggling.}
{Don't lie, BM, you love it too.}
{...Okay, I do. But mainly I'm thinking about what Green could do if those were grenades filled with contact explosives. Remember those spheres from the warship barrage? Let me make 50 of those with metal casings and see Rose try to get in close enough to grab Green this time!}
[A distinct lack of cheering from Steven]
{Connie, dear. I think we should proceed to the next test.}

Test 13: Degree of Finesse via Manipulation Epsilon
Individual iron weights were brought out and Peridot, at a distance of less than 10ft away, was asked to lift as much weight as possible with each of her 10 metallokinetic effects.

In each case she was able to exert roughly .1JU per effect. This suggests that the initial, raw force tests demonstrated Peridot using all 10 effects in concert.

Conclusion: Peridot's metallokinesis functions by having up to 10 distinct force effects interact with metallic objects within range, each able to exert up to .1JU while maintaining a high degree of control about equal to an invisible hand made of metallokinetic force. The number of force effects roughly halves with every 10ft of distance until limited to solely push-pull movements out past 50ft.

Strength drops with range as well, though more slowly, falling to a total of .5JUs at a distance of 50ft or more. 50ft is also the rough limit of her ability to sense metal; she can direct her metallokinesis via that sense alone but absent that she must rely on line of sight.

Her powers interact most effectively with ferrous metals but retains at least 50% effectiveness with all metals tested regardless of type. There does not appear to be any electro-magnetic component to her power's operation. It's simply... magic.

---

Cleanup was made much easier with five-to-ten (depending on distance) invisible hands helping. Peridot smiled and hummed a simple tune as she worked, her thoughts returning to the panoply of technological innovations waiting for her to create and leverage in her gradual but unbounded rise in potency. Then she turned from the steel crate she'd metallokinetically closed and froze in place, the hum dying on her lips.

Everyone was staring at her. Staring at her and smiling expectantly.

"Is... Is there something humorous you'd like to inform me of?" she hazarded, feeling slightly unmoored.

"Funny?" asked Lapis. "Naw. More like totally frickin' awesome!"

For various reasons that did not reassure.

Then Bismuth handed something to Connie --Jasper and Steven's forms obstructed line of sight but Peridot could sense it was made of iron or steel and roughly bowl-shaped-- and the girl stepped forward, smiling warmly with the item behind her back.

"We know you had other realizations while you went out thinking the day you discovered this power," explained her daughter. "And I'm really happy- No, all of us are really happy for the calm and confidence it's seemed to bring you."

Four heads nodded in agreement behind her.

"But I think there's something really exciting that you haven't thought to do with your power yet. And, um, well-"

She pulled the object out from behind her. It was round, about three feet in diameter, bowl-shaped as she'd sensed before but inside that bowl was a rubber or foam-like material clearly designed to enhance traction that she hadn't been able to detect. It was painted an aesthetically pleasing shade of green, with yellow and red racing stripes. There were four handles spaced evenly around its circumference. The words 'McFly 2.0' were stenciled on the side in what could only be called the Back to the Future font.

"Ta-da," her daughter said a touch meekly as she held the object out for Peridot to take.

Levitating it over, Peridot examined it up close, impressed by the workmanship and artistry both. "This is a kind gift --Thank you all very much-- but I'm at something of a loss for its intended purpose."

Lapis rolled her eyes while Bismuth only seemed to grin wider. The Steven, however, had become increasingly excited, so much so that he was practically vibrating. Seemingly unable to contain himself, the teen blurted out, "You ride it! In the sky! Like a hoverboard or a magic carpet!"

She blinked. Would that work? Theoretically... yes, but was it practical? "And these handles?" she asked, as much to buy herself time to consider things as from genuine curiosity.

"Passengers," answered Jasper, succinct to the point of being terse.

"Also so you could attach cargo to it," explained Bismuth. She winked. "Or ordinance."

"Go on, you goober," teased Lapis. "Give it a shot. I know I'd be itching to get back up there if I'd lost my wings."

Peridot felt a stab, one she'd done her best to tune out over the weeks. Among the many utilities her limb enhancers had afforded her, flight had been keenly felt in its absence.

Stepping onto the object --the McFly 2.0, she corrected herself-- she tested the traction of her feet on the firm, foam-like material within. Finding it acceptable, she levitated approximately six inches up, wobbling slightly as she instinctively stabilized herself.

The sensation was quite different from helicopter-like flight. There was no noise, for starters, save for the excited sounds from the others (The Steven especially). Additionally, she didn't have a limb held upright supporting her. Having both hands free... no, two hard light hands plus the nine additional, metallokinetic 'hands' not involved in levitating the McFly was a strange kind of exhilarating.

Then, to prevent any potential collisions, she floated upward above the heads of the others and accelerated forward. Instantly it just. Felt. Right.

"Woooo!" and a corner of Peridot was surprised to hear the noise emanating from her own mouth rather than one of the onlookers below.

Banking left, she turned and felt completely and totally in control, the McFly as much an extension of her as her arms and legs. She sped up further, wind rushing through her hair and, impetuously, she did a loop-de-loop. She cackled with glee at the freedom and power surging through her, originating from her.

Ultimately the triumph of science via technological innovation was greater than this, greater than anything Peridot could hope to accomplish with her newfound metallokinesis. But here, now, with her family cheering her below and gravity itself made subordinate via her dominion over metal itself?

"Nyahahaha! Fear me! Praise me! For I am the mighty Peridot and no horizon is beyond my reach!"

Enlightenment was a sublime thing but it was far from the only joy in her life.

Notes:

If some art-talented reader out there is so motivated, a picture of Peridot riding on the McFly 2.0 would be pretty dang spectacular.

Chapter 75: Deleted Scenes - Episode 39: Shattered Dreams

Chapter by br42

Summary:

As if Connie, P2, and Jasper's time locked in the temple wasn't surreal enough, here's a new wrinkle. An outtake from Ep39Ch3 - Ch5.

Notes:

I've been profoundly ill the last couple of days, which has thrown a wrench in the Ep39 production process. There's some really great content and art ready, but without the prose written and polished, it just can't go up yet. So instead I'm posting this tidbit I'd shared in the Connie Swap Discord a week ago about an alternative take on the recent sequence out of Ep39.

You can expect the final act of Ep39 to go up next Wednesday, the 18th, a double-sized update since it'll be two weeks'-worth of content going up concurrently.

Once upon a time, the locked-in-the-temple sequence of Ep39 was planned as our Halloween content, meaning we were going to dial up the scares and surreal experiences all the higher. However, Ep38 had some unscheduled delays which meant we missed the window.

So it goes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When we finally did get to that portion of Ep39, another change had happened: we'd had the idea of making it be about more than just Pink Diamond's backstory, working in a heavy character moment for Jasper as well, highlighting the gem's pivot from Pink Diamond's champion to Citrine's juggernaut/shieldbearer. It was, I think, the right change to make since this particular sequence fit visiting that part of Jasper's backstory really well and added to the emotional payload therein. But I'd like to share what we'd originally planned, a bit of cutting room content for your consideration and enjoyment. And given the nature of the twist, I'll convey this via narrative overview.

---

The shards get released and the room turns into a chaotic whirlwind of simulations. Connie and P2 hide in a cave until it calms down, emerging to find Jasper battered but present. The three link up and set out to visit haunts and bubble shards.

Jasper's injuries don't seem to be healing right and the Quartz seems really upset/distracted by something. Connie doesn't have a ready explanation for it but their current situation is so crazy and surreal that frankly she can't spare it much of a thought. Maybe Jasper's really down about some of her bubbled Citrine trinkets getting destroyed in the chaos, or in seeing the serenity of her room so thoroughly violated.

The trio continue their trek from haunt to haunt and Jasper's behavior is getting more noticeably off. She's really self-hating and filled with regrets. Connie invites her to elaborate but the Quartz only mutters about letting others down in the past and then clams back up. But her reactions to the haunts, especially as they get closer and closer to the Rebellion actually happening, show that the warrior is underplaying her emotional turmoil *a lot*.

And the Quartz still isn't healing. What's going on?

Then, getting near the end of the series of haunts, Connie has to go insubstantial for some reason and she realizes... Jasper's mindscape is missing. But she's standing right there. That... That isn't Jasper!

Confronted, 'Jasper' glitches like Pink Diamond has been across the various haunts and it's revealed that she's actually a shard of Pink Diamond's, specifically one that is fixated on Jasper and how she was partially responsible for things going to crap for Pink Diamond.

'Jasper' walks into the next haunt and it's the one of how Jasper's betrayal was the breaking point for Yellow and Blue Diamonds' patience, prompting them to come to Earth, sidelining Pink Diamond in the process. And 'Jasper' wails about how she loved her Diamond and vowed to serve her and was both disloyal and directly related to her downfall.

And Connie points out how Blue and Yellow Diamond were trying to meddle from the very beginning, even before Jasper emerged, and how if one Quartz, even a perfect one, defecting caused Pink's reign to collapse then her reign was on the verge of collapse regardless. Then Connie points out some parallels between Jasper's dedication to Citrine and her past dedication to Pink and how the Quartz has suffered disappointment no matter her affiliation.

The real Jasper shows up, having overheard this, and confronts her doppelganger while admitting to some of her disappointment. There's a fight scene, 'Jasper' talks with Pink Diamond's voice right before losing, and Jasper remorsefully bubbles a stand-in for her original subject of love and devotion.

End long-form Rose's Room reference.

---

Even when the Halloween window was missed, the creative team was still tempted to go with the idea. It seemed really neat and was a cool, sneaky way of working in a canon parallel. However, it made an already weird and surreal sequence even weirder, and needing the real Jasper to be away from the others for so long was something that defied ready explanation without being even more contrived.

Plus, I didn't like Connie being the voice for Jasper's travails, explicitly pointing out the Citrine-PD parallels there. It would have been telling for a scene and character beat that really needed to be shown instead: any time I find Connie becoming an exposition-bot or behaving wise and insightful waaay beyond her years, I try to take a long look at that scene because I suspect I'm doing something wrong.

But the main reason it got cut was because I didn't like how it divorced Jasper from some major parts of her own subplot. Jasper really is conflicted about what she did to her Diamond, a servant with two masters who can only serve one and laments the necessity of choosing even as she's committed to the choice she made. I didn't want this to undermine the visceral depth of Jasper's frustration, and I wanted to get to show how... shallow? How self-serving/deluded her justifications for switching to Citrine really were in the beginning even though she'd go on to back that service with real love and affection down the road.

But it was a really neat scenario for all its flaws and I wanted to share that with y'all.

Chapter 76: Deleted Scenes - Episode 40: Out With the Old

Chapter by br42

Summary:

A very different, sillier, and more hyperbolic sequence was originally planned for Ep40Ch3. Read and find out how.

Notes:

Some of you may be surprised to see this omake in lieu of Ep40Ch5+ going up on 1/29/20. Well, the next couple of chapters of Out With the Old really need to come out as a group rather than piecemeal. And I only have about half of that (1.5-2 chapters'-worth) written at this time because over the last week my day job also became my night job and my weekend job during a particularly nasty work crunch.

So, for the sake of a better story and a saner br42, we get this silly little peek at a scene that was once planned... not so much differently as with much more spectacle surrounding it.

I hope you enjoy it.

Alright, so in Ep40, Rose and Pearl attempt to enter a locked and defended Beach House. In the version that went up, we see one of the robonoids press some sort of panic button before they all flee into hiding. Then, when Rose finally breaches the house, the line of plant soldiers sent in are bombarded by trapped parts of the house.

However, I had a couple of earlier versions of that sequence that went differently. I made a point in Ep40Ch1 to include the robonoids being loose in the Beach House. And that was so that when Rose came a-knocking, they'd be there to knock back.

---

In the version that most diverged from the final draft, Rose and Pearl are busy outside making their preparations, one of them having already come up, peeked through the window, and tried the door. With the Maker unreachable due to some sort of jamming effect and designated hostiles readying for intrusion, Doris hops down from the window seat and sends a high-priority broadcast to her fellows: the robonoids are readying for war.

Queue a brief montage alternating between Rose and Pearl massing the plant soldiers while within the 10 robonoids roll out childishly quaint defenses (e.g. scattering marbles under the windows, readying a bucket of water to drop down from the doorway, constructing a cardboard silhouette of an angry Jasper to be visible through the curtains, stringing Christmas lights along the rafters). Any deliberate call-outs to a similar montage from Home Alone are a plus.

As the plant soldier march up the steps, the robonoids are cartoonishly scrambling into position: hopping up on the appliances, scrambling up to the rafters, and so on, all with slapstick setbacks and pratfalls. Will and Robinson subtly keep trying to climb higher than the other one.

Then the assault begins in earnest, a section of the wall torn down with the same vine trick used in the chapter. A plant soldier climbs through a window and its tentacle-like limbs are not impeded by the marbles; a bucket of water falls, splashing several but they share a 'look', shrug, and resume their invasion; one of them pokes the cardboard Jasper and it just wobbles in place; the Christmas lights light up and twinkle prettily.

Then Toasty launches a bagel burnt black and flaming.

The 'water' ignites, actually being gasoline or lighter fluid or something, turning the entryway into an inferno. The 'marbles' detonate, sending plant soldiers flying back out the ruined window. And Doris, operating the training exoskeleton, bursts through the back of Jasper cutout and hulks out on the brambles nearby.

A second wave of plant soldiers pour in. The robonoids in the kitchen scamper about, pressing hidden buttons and switches in the sides of the appliances, causing the oven to jet fire like a flamethrower, the blender to whirl up and fling shurikens, and the dishwasher sends out a periodic flood of sudsy acid.

Several of the vines manage to reach the roof, ripping several holes open overhead. Plant soldiers start to enter that way.

Wally, operating a fire extinguisher, blasts the first couple, causing a number of invaders to fall and, ironically, land in the still-burning entryway below. Gort uses its etching laser to launch hair spray bottles like missiles. One of the robonoids presses a switch which makes the Christmas lights explode, the exposed wires crackling like tasers.

At some point Doris tapes down the controls on her mecha before bailing, the now pilotless exoskeleton running in circles and trampling everything in its path.

Somewhere in all of this, the phone is destroyed.

More surprising and terrible things happen to plant soldiers until I run out of ideas, all while the robonoids slowly give ground, driven back inch-by-inch by the numberless invaders.

Finally, cornered outside the bathroom and hopelessly outnumbered --the Beach House blasted, ripped up, and in places still burning-- Doris raps out 'Shave and a Haircut' on the bathroom door. Then the massive Tik-Tok bursts through the bathroom wall with a drone of 'two bits' and rolls through the Beach House like the boulder from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

The (non-Tik-Tok) robonoids flee into the bathroom, then slam and lock the door despite there being a Tik-Tok-shaped hole in the wall.

The plant soldiers regroup, still more entering the Beach House, there's a rattle of pipes and then the sprinkler system sprays, dosing everything with some kind of really nasty herbicide.

When, eventually, Rose enters the house and rips the bathroom door off the hinges, she finds a bathroom empty of everything save for a few toast crumbs. She sweeps the space but finds nothing, ripping out a few more fixtures in her search. Then she storms out, calling for Pearl while she continues to have her plant soldiers sweep the house for further surprises.

Pearl examines the bathroom for a moment, then reaches under the sink and flips a switch which causes the bathroom mirror to unlatch. She swings open the 'Control Room' display, finding 10 very crowded robonoids cowering among the monitors.

Pearl looks at them, then glances towards the empty bathroom doorway and vacant hole in the wall, then raises her finger to her lips in a voiceless 'shhh.' Silently she slides the mirror back into place, then tells Rose she didn't find anything.

---

Pretty neat, huh? So why the heck didn't that happen?

Well, there are four reasons:
1) Time. I under-estimated how long other sections of the episode were going to be, a day's writing budget spent finishing one 'small' scene instead of, say three. Ultimately these expanded scenes have been for the betterment of the fic but Ep40 has somewhere important to go and I don't want to slow that down too much by expanding every scene I'm able.

2) Tone. I usually try to identify which characters or subplots are serious for a given episode and then take care to keep my penchant for quips and digressions curbed for those. That's part of the fun of having an ensemble cast: even if one character is holding the 'serious business' card, you have others who can lighten the mood in their own scenes. Anyway, Rose's tale in this episode is serious and she has comparatively less screen time than the CGs. The robonoid Home Alone sequence would make a large fraction of her narrative silly and that's really not the tone I want to strike here.

3) Competence. Rose is meant to be competent. Scarily so. She's suborned Pyra then delivered a devastating one-two punch by destroying the Sanctuary (with Umbra being the uppercut to follow). She then tore through the Beach House wall in a clever way and uses her plant minions to sidestep most of the traps awaiting her within. She even had a Diamond fragment ready so she could infiltrate the temple. Yeah, she's operating based on outdated intel regarding where Pink Diamond's shards actually are, but otherwise she's been nothing but frighteningly competent. Aaand having her be stymied by comic relief robots undermines that vibe... in a big way. I tried to find another version of the scene which still suggested the same Home Alone-esque antics without actually making Rose look feckless.

4) Murder. Yeah, I can have 10 of the robonoids hide in a crawlspace somewhere but there's no compelling reason for Rose NOT to turn Tik-Tok into a pile of green-tinged scrap. Rose has very explicitly never murdered a character --even a supporting one-- and that's deliberate for... reasons. While killing a robonoid would carry less emotive weight than, say, shanking a Doug who was dropping by the house at the wrong time, it'd still undermine an understated but important pillar of Rose's character. And, yes, I'm aware that Rose's attack on the Sanctuary endangered a bunch of humans in a way that could very easily have left a body count. That seeming oversight/hypocrisy is deliberate too for reasons that'll come out in time.

---

Ah, yes, and for a final addition, here's a tiny scene that also didn't quite make it into the Ep40Ch3-Ch4 span:

Jamie: [walking down the beach toward the temple] One last package to deliver and then it's off to rehearsals for...

[sees a Beach House billowing smoke, the occasional explosion resounding from within while tentacle-like vines writhe and a legion of plant soldiers march through the building's ruined facade at the direction of a scary pink woman]

Jame: [turns right back around] I think this delivery can wait.

[His walk becoming a jog and then a run as soon as he's around the cliff and out of sight.]

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed these little looks at what didn't happen but very well could have.

Chapter 77: Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Chapter by br42

Summary:

Lapis is responsible for damages to a retail store but the blue gem is unrepentant. Lacking conventional means of making Lapis apologize for her misbehavior, Doug has to get creative.

Notes:

This omake would take place sometime after the start of Episode 33 and before the start of Episode 34. It references a shop and character from Ep28Ch2.

This omake can be considered mostly canon.

Inside Pinky’s house was a recording studio: sound-proofed walls, music stands and microphones for the musicians, a sound booth, cables underfoot and audio jacks aplenty, with lots of headsets to go around -- the whole nine-yards.

In the front of that room near the door was a little loveseat, a loveseat which Lapis was currently splayed across, one heel crossed over the other as she lounged like a cat that was too satisfied to bother cleaning the canary feathers off of its fur just yet.

While sitting like the blue embodiment of the word ‘insouciant,’ Lapis noticed that this was probably the only room in the whole place that didn’t have speakers playing music 24-7. Instead, she was treated to a melody of a different sort, what could only be described as an acquired taste and one Lapis had become quite the connoisseur of over the last nearly-fourteen years.

The sound of a frustrated Doug ranting at her.

“-and then the sprinkler system explosively ‘malfunctioned’, soaking four aisles of electronics, ruining a promotional display, and shorting out two of the three register computers.”

Ol’ Dougie was pacing across the recording studio, gesticulating with the clipboard he was holding. An invoice was clipped to it and the motion was making it flutter like a flag in a strong breeze.

Lapis uncrossed her heels and then crossed them back the other way, not even trying to hide her smirk. “I also soaked that pushy sales lady pretty thoroughly.”

“Who?”

“I didn’t catch her name,” answered Lapis, sitting up just enough to deliver a proper shrug. “Had a hijab, khakis, and some kind of vendetta against the concept of personal space. Kind of like a Carnelian with a retail job and purple lipstick.”

Dougie sighed, tucking the clipboard under one arm so he could gently raise his glasses with one hand and pinch the bridge of his nose with the other. “That would explain the charge for a replacement dress shirt and slacks.”

Lapis chuckled. “If she’d ran as fast as the purple in that shirt of hers, she wouldn’t have gotten nearly so wet.”

Shaking his head, Doug brandished his clipboard at her. “You did several thousand dollars in damages, Lapis!”

Lapis sat all the way up now exactly so she could lean casually forward, one thin eyebrow arched, and say, “And?”

The growl of frustration from Dougie was a beautiful thing to a blue gadfly like herself.

Before he could answer, she preempted him. “Look, girlie’s grounded right now and that phone of hers is pretty much a fifth limb. Birthday number fourteen isn’t that far away and I found out that that shop in Crossroads was where she got it from, so I was going to hunt around for gift ideas. You know, accessories and junk. Only Ms. Commission Impossible wouldn’t take ‘Go away, I’m just browsing’ for an answer.”

She gave an exaggerated shrug, her pigtails swaying with the motion. “Anyway, I’ll just fish around offshore for a shipwreck’s-worth of hush money. I don’t know what the doubloon-to-dollar exchange rate is these days, but a chest of ‘em usually does the trick.”

“Crossroads isn’t Beach City, Lapis,” countered Doug. “They don’t take pirate gold, nor do they just fill out a form and get reimbursed by the government anytime a colorful rock person and/or monster causes property damage!”

“If they’re so clueless, how’d they know to stick you with the bill?” challenged Lapis, her eyes twinkling from the exchange.

“They didn’t,” Dougie ground out, looking, if anything, angrier than before. “But you claimed to be the aunt of one ‘Connie Maheswaran.’ And when they used their last working register to look Connie up, they found that her ‘mother’ had purchased her a phone from there last month. Which is why Priyanka discovered this-” and he wagged the clipboard at her disapprovingly, “-in her mailbox yesterday.”

For the first time since she’d been led into the recording studio, Lapis looked concerned. “They think the Doc is Con-con’s mama?” she asked incredulously.

Doug sighed. “Yes. A ruse Connie went along with so she could get her phone in the first place.”

Any lingering amusement in Lapis’ expression evaporated completely. “You can’t let OJ hear that.” A beat, then Lapis’ eyes widened in dawning apprehension. “Scratch that, Dot must never know.”

Doug gave her a look. “I’m not stupid, Lapis.” The blue gem was about to speak when he added, “And neither is Pri. That little detail goes unsaid.”

A moment passed and then Lapis gave a curt nod, the mental images of Dr. K being vaporized or punted into space fading into the background of her thoughts.

The tension in his shoulders eased a little and Dougie said, “Anyway, the good news is that I’ve already spoken with Mayor Dewey, who is seeing the appropriate funds allocated to cover the damages. Apparently his office empowers him to handle these things provided the incident in question takes place within Delmarva state lines.”

Lapis’ earlier smug came back in a hurry. “That’s good to know. I’ve still got more window shopping to do, after all.”

She started to rise to her feet when Dougie placed his hand on her shoulder and gently but firmly pushed her back onto the loveseat.

“Not so fast.”

Lapis, craning her head up so she could stare directly at the man, slowly crossed her arms across her chest. “Or what, Dougie? You’re going to pull a repeat of your donut shop stunt? Get me banned from the phone store ‘til I work there long enough to pay off my debt?” She raised the back of one hand to her head and swooned like a southern belle about to faint. “Oh, woe is me! However will I survive? Truly, my remorse is unending,” she declared, hamming it up by the end. She ended the performance by finding his gaze once more while raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Doug withdrew his hand and met her stare for a second, then two. Then he shook his head and gave a desultory chuckle. "You know, after Steven's birthday, I had hoped- But, no, that's too much to ask of a truce."

For some reason he took off his glasses, pulling a little square of fabric from his shirt pocket. He buffed first one lens and then the other, all while he stared off into the middle distance. Setting the glasses back into place, he tucked the bit of cloth away and looked in Lapis' direction once more.

"You're right that there's no straightforward way for me to reprimand you," he said, untucking the clipboard under his arm and tossing it casually into the corner with a muted clatter.

Was it Lapis' imagination or was there a sparkle of mischief in his expression?

"A fine would be pointless, as would a ban from the store," Doug continued. "A lecture would be a waste of both our time. The legal system places Crystal Gems somewhere between foreign dignitaries and members of a protected species, so the courts are no help."

He walked over and leaned against the wall near the door into the recording studio, his eyes fixed on a point somewhere behind Lapis. "I could call this to Peridot's attention and let her nag you, but I think it'd do more harm than good. With the mayor already liaising on behalf of the government, I might even be tempted to just write the whole thing off as a loss..." and he trailed off.

Then his eyes locked on Lapis' directly. "-Except that your mess landed in Priyanka's lap. That's a bridge too far, Lapis. Pri’s been exceedingly patient of the complications that come with having a place in my life, and she's been nothing but kind and caring to Connie. She doesn't deserve headaches like this." He sighed. "So I've had to get creative."

"Oh?" asked Lapis. Her smirk was taunting, but inwardly she felt a curl of uncertainty. For all that she ragged on Doug, he'd proven years ago that, when pushed, he could push back.

Doug had angled his head downward just a little, his eyes hidden behind the lights reflecting off his glasses. "I could bring this whole ordeal up to Connie. I think she'd be disappointed. And I also think that her opinion of you matters enough that you'd care."

Lapis made a sharp inhalation of breath, objections and outrage rising to her lips.

The man, still leaning against the wall, raised a hand in a conciliatory gesture, cutting off Lapis' blistering retort. "But I wouldn't do that. It would be wrong to use my daughter as a tool to solve a problem that wasn't hers to begin with."

Several seconds passed in silence. Then, in a quieter voice than she'd intended, Lapis asked, "So what are you going to do?"

That spark of mischief from earlier finally ignited into a lopsided grin on Doug’s face. "I'm going to tell you a joke. Many jokes. For the next half hour. And you're going to stay for the full half hour or I will have make good on that emotional blackmail after all. Oh, and I should remind you not to smash through the wall or explode the plumbing, because if you damage Steven's home then I won't have to say a word to anyone for Connie to go on the warpath."

Lapis blinked in confusion and surprise. Finally, incredulously, she said, "Jokes?"

Doug's grin evolved into a full-blown smirk. "Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke?" he asked, even going so far as to rap on the door he was leaning beside.

He casually pushed off from the wall and strolled into the center of the room.

Lapis rolled her eyes expansively. "No, what about hi-" she started to answer in a skeptical tone, but was interrupted when the door swung open suddenly.

Greg burst into the room and exclaimed, "He won the no-bell prize!"

A beat. Then Lapis' eyebrows climbed down from the edge of her hairline. Then the punchline caught up with her and she groaned. Loudly.

"Ugh! You're in on this too, Papaverse?" she asked. "And here I thought rock stars were supposed to be cool."

"Nope!" answered Greg chipperly, offering a friendly nod to Doug and then turning around to close the studio door gently behind him. "I'm retired now. And a father, so I can dad-joke it up as much as I want."

"Thanks for coming," said Doug.

"Of course." Greg then disappeared into the sound booth and typed at something. Suddenly a digital clock mounted near the ceiling in one corner lit up, thirty minutes appearing on it before it began counting down one second at a time.

Huh. Lapis hadn't even noticed that was there before. Well, there wasn't anything in Dougie's rules that said she couldn't run out the clock herself.

Sitting up a little straighter, Lapis gestured around the room. "You know, if these walls could talk, they'd probably gripe about what they're hearing. Bad enough they have to listen to every lanky amateur who comes in here thinking that putting their pimply angst to a beat is going to wind up topping the charts."

Doug crossed his arms over his chest. "Lapis, don't anthropomorphize rooms." A beat. "They hate that."

Lapis groaned and Greg chuckled as he strolled out of the sound booth, the latter saying, "Hey Doug?"

"Yes, Greg?"

Oh, dirt and diamonds, they're doing a bit, thought Lapis, torn between a cringe and head-shaking laugh at the concentrated lameness on display.

"Do you know why the bicycle couldn't stand up by itself?"

Doug smiled. "No, why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?" he answered.

"Because it was two tire'd!" exclaimed Pinky's dad.

An 'uuugh!' came from the seated gem.

"Hey Greg."

"Yes, Doug?"

"I'm a little thirsty. Can you get me some water?"

Greg looked around and then shrugged. "We're running low. I think we'll have to dilute it," the punchline ending with a big grin on the rockstar's face.

Lapis gave the two an indignant look. "Really? Water jokes? To me?"

"What'd the ocean say to the shore?" was Doug's response, his smile as wide as it was shameless.

"Nothing," answered Lapis in an intentionally dry tone. "It just waved." Then she scrunched up her face like she'd just tasted something bitter. "Yuck. It's even lame when I say it."

"Ooh!" and Greg's expression lit up exactly like Pinky's did when he thought of something interesting. "I've got one. Why does the mermaid wear seashells?"

Lapis could tell from the clock that he let the silence stretch out exactly three seconds before delivering the punchline.

"Because she grew out of her B-shells."

She laughed. She didn't particularly want to, but she couldn't help it just then. "Okay, that one's actually funny."

Greg gave a pleased nod in response.

"I have some advice for you, Greg," said Doug. "Never play tennis with a cymbal."

"Why's that?"

"Because it makes a terrible racket."

That was so awful, it even made Greg groan. Unlike Lapis, however, the man was chuckling by the end.

Before the blue gem could recover, Pinky's dad said, "Did you know I burned 5,000 calories yesterday?" He punctuated the question by patting his belly.

"Really?" answered Doug. "How'd you do that?"

"I left the brownies in the oven too long."

Dang, and now I really want brownies too, grumped Lapis from her seat.

"I was going to eat an all-almond diet to lose weight instead," continued Greg, "but then I realized it was just nuts!"

Lapis squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed her groan, trying not to give them the satisfaction.

---

"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because the pee is silent."

"Ugh!"

---

"I used to hate facial hair," said Mr. Universe, his smile framed by his mustache and beard. "But then it grew on me!"

That one had Doug leaning against the wall so he could groan in tandem with Lapis.

---

"Did you know that laughing out loud is illegal in Hawaii?" said Doug.

"...'zat so?" answered Lapis with a complete absence of enthusiasm.

"Yes, instead people just do a low 'ha.'"

Lapis grabbed up the couch cushion she was sitting next to and moaned into it.

---

"How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?" asked Greg.

Lapis was slumped against the loveseat armrest. In a numb tone she droned out, "Eclipse it."

Peridot had gone through a space joke phase less than a century ago. It had been hard on Lapis then too.

Greg nodded, not deterred. "Okay, you've heard that one. But did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?"

The memory of her and Dot picnicing on the surface of the Moon shortly after the green cutey had come to Earth put a wistful smile on Lapis' face. Briefly forgetting where she was, she said in a distracted voice, "No. What about it?"

"Great food but no atmosphere!" he finished.

Lapis winced, but one traitorous corner of her thought, I'm gonna have to tell that one to Dot.

"I wanted to go there with Priyanka, actually," said Doug casually, "but we couldn't get a reservation this time of the month."

"Why not?" responded Greg.

Even seeing the punchline coming didn't make it any better.

"Because it was full," crowed Doug while Lapis tugged on her pigtails.

"I heard they make the burgers there out of moon rocks," added Greg. "Tastes way better than Earth rocks."

"Why's that?" chirped Doug.

"Because they're a little meteor!"

Lapis fantasized about being struck by a meteor just then. It was nice.

---

"What do you call a fish with two knees?" asked Doug. A beat. "A two-knee fish."

Lapis glanced at the clock. Her eye twitched.

"What do you call someone with no body and no nose?" asked Greg. "No-body-nose!" he exclaimed before laughing at his own joke.

Lapis' expression puckered up like she'd eaten something sour.

Doug raised one leg and waggled his foot. "I bought these shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day."

Her face contorted further.

"Oh, I heard a good one at the Fry Shack the other day," said Greg excitedly. "Did you know french fries aren't actually cooked in France?" Silence. "They're cooked in Greece!"

Lapis swallowed a moan, looking like a seasick passenger trying to keep down their lunch.

"Why did the old man fall in the well?" asked Doug.

"Why?" piped Greg.

"Because he couldn't see that well."

Wincing, Lapis' eyes danced from the middle distance to the clock and back. The water coursing through the backyard sprinklers was achingly close. It was practically calling out to her. And the ocean was barely a mile away. That was virtually no distance at all to Lapis. Or to a tsunami.

"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?" asked Doug.

Something within Lapis snapped and she bolted upright.

"No more!" She forcefully patted the back of the loveseat like a wrestler tapping the mat in surrender. "You win! I'm sorry!" She couldn't bring her voice down below a yell even if she'd wanted to. "Now I'm going to leave and clean out my ears with something more pleasant! Like throwing bagpipes into a rusty woodchipper!"

Doug and Greg shared a surprised glance.

Despite there still being several minutes left on the clock, neither of them moved to stop her, which was good enough for Lapis. She wrenched the door open, stepped through, and slammed it shut behind her.

The gem stalked away towards the front door, nearly bulling through Pinky's mom when the woman started to step out of the music shop attached to the house.

Lapis, her entire form radiating jittery anger, grabbed the doorknob and started to twist it... when she paused, a growl climbing up her throat and escaping out her mouth.

Mommaverse, wisely, chose to retreat back into the music shop.

---

Several seconds had passed. Then Greg chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck in a mixture of relief and mild chagrin. Doug, meanwhile, retrieved the square of cloth from his pocket, removed his glasses, and once more started to polish the lenses.

"Well, that went-" Doug started to say around a sigh.

The door swung open, making a surprising amount of noise when it collided with the sound-proofing material on the wall behind it.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELEPHANT THAT DOESN’T MATTER?!" bellowed Lapis. One pigtail had escaped its tie, giving the gem an especially unhinged appearance.

The clock on the wall counted down one second, then two, then three.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?!" demanded Lapis, causing both Doug and Greg to jump in startlement. "JUST TELL ME SO I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!"

"It's-" Doug stammered. He'd dropped his glasses when she'd burst in. He started to bend down and reach for them when he thought better of it, straightening up hastily. "It's an irrelephant," he mumbled.

A beat passed and then Lapis sagged at the knees. “AAARGH!” she roared, hands curled into fists as she vented her comedy-induced ire and frustrations to the rest of the house. Then she pivoted and marched forcefully away. A few seconds later the two men heard the front door open and then slam.

Strains of Kip Addotta's Wet Dream filtered through the open studio door, the house speakers providing the only noise to be heard within the Universe Instrument Shop, School of Musical Instruction, Recording Studio, and family home.

With surprisingly light steps for a woman her size, Mary Universe crossed the house and peeked into the room. "So?" she asked, eyebrows raised in concern. "How did it go?"

Slowly, Doug crouched down and retrieved his glasses, giving them a quick buff before setting them back on his nose.

"All things considered, pretty well, actually."

Notes:

There's a marquee outside a store I commonly drive past that has jokes of this caliber on it, and I'm not ashamed to say more than a few of those made their way into Connie Swap over the years. It also didn't help that I recently watched these two videos. And now that I think about it, Lapis' joke rage at the end was reminiscent of this video, though I honestly couldn't tell you if that was intentional or not.

More than that, I think not having Connie Swap as a regular outlet for gags and references has caused all of this to build up. I get to have fun over in Amalgam, but Iron Age fantasy settings aren't great when you want to make jokes involving modern technology or contemporary references.

I hope you enjoyed this silly, brief omake. Or at least, enjoyed it more than Lapis did.

Though in Doug's defense, he was pretty much out of alternatives.

Happy 2021, everyone!

Chapter 78: Consequences Don’t Bow to Righteousness

Chapter by br42, Darkspirit

Summary:

‘Mercy has a higher price than most people think’ - Lao Ge. The rise of Kyoshi.

Two dimensions, one harsh lesson.

Notes:

br42 here. Darkspirit returns with a fourth omake, this one exploring alternate takes on two major moments for Connie: the first out of Episode 16, Ch2, and the other out of Episode 26, Ch2.

As ever, this is Darkspirit's omake, not mine, and I thank 'em for adding it to the Omake Collection!

If you're curious, their other three omakes are, It's Not Too Late To Try Again:

After learning that Lapis went by the Universe household to talk about Connie’s grounding over fusing, Steven looks for more relationship/fusion advice from the other mature source he knows: his parents.

Weren’t we destiny partners?:

Steven’s head is a mess as he tries to deal with Pink’s shards’ revelation and, more importantly, the tension between him and Connie. This happens while Steven, Connie, and the CGs are in Jasper's room, in the Connie Epilogue of The Return episode.

...and Turquoise Haven:

Finding herself squished between inadequacy and anxiety thanks to Rose’s shenanigans, Peridot looks for some comforting and relaxation. Maybe her blue companion can help her.

‘You will never be perfectly fair, and you will never be truly correct’

Dimension F16F2

Of all the times Connie and the Gems had to prepare an ambush to solve a problem, if the girl could remember well the number, she never imagined it would be against a pack of unruly, destructive quartzes, corrupted by the Diamonds. 

Honestly, fighting corrupted gems wasn’t the big deal here. The activity was pretty routine, especially for her guardians. Concoct a plan, follow all the steps accordingly, protect each other, good team work, and tada! Mission accomplished!

Connie wished it would be that simple. At a superficial level, it was; nonetheless, if you added a lonely, feral, non-corrupted gem who was adopted by that pack and was fiercely loyal to them… Yeah, do you have a cross to pray on? Because, right now, she wanted to pray for another solution that doesn’t involve betrayal and tragedy.

Sure, the Gems said it was going to be an ambush to bubble them all, to keep them safe from themselves, to protect the fauna and any bystanders who walked through the woods. But was this really necessary? Like, was their image of Amethyst so primitive and narrow-minded to not tell her the truth about this plan?

‘Remember, 'Amethysts know camaraderie.' She's not going to knowingly act against her squad. Plus, she's a runt, so who knows how long it could take to get her to understand.’

It sickened her. Jasper’s words cut deeply even when her intentions were good. She wasn’t insulting Amethyst, or saying her bond with the pack was bad. She labeled the purple gem a person unable to be reasoned with due to strong familial feelings.

The rational part of Connie understood it even though she hated to admit it. If she were the feral quartz, it would break her seeing her mother figures and Dad, and God, Steven too, being taken away from her in a sudden attack for the only reason that they were dangerous to themselves and others.

Being rational didn’t eliminate the off-ness in this plan, though. I mean, what would happen to Amethyst afterwards? Left alone, fending for herself, no one to talk to or hang out with. No connections, no friends. 

‘Maybe she can live wi—’ 

No, screw that idea! It was beyond ridiculous! You would be insane to accept an invitation from the same people who betrayed you after telling you they were going to help your family. Sweet Jesus, Amethyst would hate them forever! However, the heartbroken reaction wouldn’t be worse compared to any attempt of revenge she could plan.

Connie grimaced for a third time. She had to do something! Even with the dangers the pack represented, they were important to Amethyst. This decisiveness or whatever it was shouldn’t preclude other options.

The girl swallowed grimly. She didn’t have any more options. Changing the minds of the Gems was out of question. Forced smiles, hearts hardened, somber resolutions. Those were the emotions they portrayed. Backing down from a decision of this caliber? Haha, yeah right. Better betting on Peridot winning a fight without her limb enhancers than this.

The hardest part wasn’t that she didn’t get why this had to be done. As Peridot explained, the pack wreaked havoc and in the middle were lives. By stopping them, casualties would end too. It would also mean the end of Amethyst’s blissful if kind of unhealthy life.

Concentrate, Connie! Concentrate! Create a solution, another alternative, anything to save them! 

Now a shiver ran through her spine. If whatever plan she fashioned succeeded, the girl would be labelled a traitor and a disappointment by the Gems. Ok, the first label was a bit of an exaggeration but the second one was realistic as hell. And imagining their shocked and hurt faces, mainly Peridot’s, unable to comprehend her motives and actions… That was a scenario she’d gladly handle later, thank you very much.

Anyway, concentrate, Connie! A plan was essential or else Amethyst would be left alone and the whole pack would be bubbled. But what exactly could she do? Divert the Gems? Impossible, Peridot was too smart for that. An ambush behind an ambush? Too convoluted, too little time. 

Wait! 

That’s it!

“Ma’am, I request another mission to assure the successfulness of this ambush,” she said with as much determination as she could muster.

“What is it exactly, my dear?”

“Our main advantage is Amethyst’s unawareness of this plan. However, as Jasper has stated, Amethysts know camaraderie. So, if she has a feeling something is wrong while reaching the point of the ambush or if one member of the pack roars in alarm at the start of the attack, then she will alert the others and protect them. The pack would get furious, and fighting more than 200 of corrupted gems is not safe nor intelligent either.”

“Excellent arguments, my dear. What’s your plan then?”

“I’m going to separate her from the pack. As she has stated to us, she would communicate with the leader and lead them to where we are. If removed from the picture, there won’t be any alarm that could jeopardize the mission. Therefore, I request you let me go to look for Amethyst so I can distract her.” Her throat felt a lump, but she kept going. “I can deceive her with the idea that we have a facility where the pack can stay comfortable, safe and be helped. During that diversion, you three can bubble everyone without problem and send them to the temple.” She was this close to throwing up, but she pushed harder.

Peridot smiled proudly at her like a parent would to his child whenever they showed an A on a test. “So pragmatic and strategic. You’ve grown so much, my dear. I know this ordeal is harsh because it means attacking Amethyst’s family. Let’s not forget, though, the long-term consequences of letting them be, and the many disadvantages of their condition. I’m glad you have finally understood that.”

Connie could’ve been overjoyed with the motherly praise, but knowing what she was doing, her heart plummeted. She steeled herself and nodded. She turned away, ready to alert Amethyst until Peridot placed a hand on her shoulder, stopping her. 

“Considering what happened some time ago due to the weather, I think it would be safer for you if Lapis, Jasper or I join you.”

“That won’t be necessary, ma’am. The climate is tranquil right now. I will fulfill my mission as fast as I can. But, in the case of any incidents, I’ll scream at the top of my lungs. Considering Lapis’ flight speed, she could pick me up in time and bring me back to safety.”

The technician contemplated the idea. Connie’s mind went into a mantra of ‘Please, let this work’, ‘Please, let this work’, ‘Please, let this work’. A wave of relief washed over her when her guardian gave her permission to go on her own. 

Quickly! Time was running out, she had to act quickly!

---

Hearing ‘Amethyst! Amethyst! Amethyst!’ here and there was getting on her nerves. What the hell was wrong with Citrine today? Couldn’t she be more discreet?

At this rate, the whole pack would launch at her and turn her into a bloody mess! The quartz may be close to them, but her strength was nothing in comparison to a battalion of corrupted gems. 

“Amethyst!” 

@#%&! So loud. Did she have a death wish or something?!

“Ame--!”

“Yeah, yeah, Je t'ai entendu, mec! [I heard ya, dude]. Why the ruckus? Do you want to be torn apart by the pack? Ils n'apprécient pas les envahisseurs bruyants [They don’t take kindly to noisy invaders].”

Connie breathed in and out deeply two times before spilling the truth. “I’m sorry, Amethyst, but we can’t help you.”

The purple gem blinked, processing the words in a personal eternity. “Pardon? [Excuse me?]”

“I-It’s true.” The girl brushed away the tiny tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. “Peridot, Jasper and Lapis have an ambush prepared for the pack.”

Amethyst gasped horrified. 

“Once everyone arrives there, they will be attacked and bubbled. All of them. I-It’s not that we’re the bad guys, but—” 

Whatever else it was going to come out from her mouth, was cut short by the quartz’s vulgar rampage. The gem swore a withering rant, curses from two different languages peppering it liberally. Before her tirade could truly lose steam, she spat angrily to the side, glared at Citrine hatefully, and growled out, “I trusted you.”

“That’s why I’m telling you all of this. Amethyst, your family is mentally compromised. They don’t think like normal gems, like you, my guardians, like me. Their mindset and bodies have been warped to the point of savagery. They’re dangerous to themselves and other people.”

“They have never done anything bad to me!!” The gem protested resentfully.

“You stated that they go through anger, fear or confusion which worsen their moods, and they lack the tools to help themselves. For that reason, my family schemed this ambush, to bubble them and see a way to help them.”

“Are you @#%& kidding me?! Since when la prison peut réparer un désordre?! [prison can fix a mess?!]”

“It’s the only idea we have! Still, I can’t deal with this. Separating someone from their loved ones, even if doing it to prevent destruction? It’s cruel. Too cruel. I tried to reason with the Gems about telling you that the pack needed to be stopped but they insisted that you wouldn’t understand, that you would side with your family and get in the way.”

“Of course, I would! La famille doit rester ensemble! [Family must stick together!] I guess that motto is something none of you will understand.” 

Citrine shrunk back at the hateful glance shot at her. Still, she squared her shoulders and met Amethyst’s scorn with urgent words of her own.“Look, I warned you already, but we need to work together to successfully deceive the Gems. If not, they will suspect, and chaos will ensue. At least, help me with this. For your family.” 

Amethyst paced back and forth, seething. If she were a Ruby, she would’ve melted the snow around her already. After what felt like an infinity, her eyes met Connie’s with grim resolution. “I will. And I think I have the perfect idea.”

---

Peridot didn’t like to wait during important processes. She’d rather have a schedule or a clock telling her the exact moment to change an activity for another one instead of being stuck on a limbo-like routine. Mainly, this foreboding sentiment was due to Connie returning late. It had been almost a half hour and she hadn’t come back yet.

Did she get lost? Had she fallen into a hole, knocking herself unconscious? Oh stars, if that had happened then jank the mission, her protegee was much more important! 

“Dot, you look like a human-sized jelly about to fall apart.”

“Can you blame me, Lapis? Connie is taking too much time in this self-assigned mission. We might have lost her during that storm, if it weren’t for Amethyst’s fortuitously-timed intervention. The whole pack roaming this area is another threat to take into consideration. What if she crossed paths with them and they--?”

“Wow, wow. Don’t mention the ‘k’ word, yet. You know, Con-Con. She’s the smartest person we know apart from you. Perhaps she wants to do this perfectly.”

“She’s doing what perfectly?” Jasper, who had been listening to bits and pieces of their conversation, looked intrigued at the last part.

“Connie told me it would be essential for our plan if she distracted Amethyst with a lie. It would give us enough time to bubble every member of the pack without the quartz trying to stop us.”

The veteran warrior didn’t utter a word, but if you looked at her face closely, you could see the gears of her mind working. “And you let her go?”

“Her strategy was sound and logical. If Amethyst suspects us for a single second, she will alert the pack and chaos will ensue. Though, at this moment, what I care about most is knowing that Connie is ok.” 

Jasper opened her mouth to say ‘Let’s separate and find her’; however, her idea died right there in the back of her throat when the three heard the girl’s panicked voice.

“Connie!!” The Gems, primarily Peridot, ran towards her expecting to see a battered and scared youngster. What they found was much more confusing. Connie was alright, but at her side was a limping, distraught, and heavily wounded Amethyst.

“What happened? Were you attacked?” Peridot held the girl close to her chest, apprehensive of the quartz. 

“Not her, me!” yelled the purple gem. “J'ai été expulse. [I was kicked out]”

“You what?” Lapis questioned.

“The pack banished her,” explained Connie. The Gems looked at the beaten-up feral gem, expressions ranging from disbelief to puzzlement.

“Yeah, exactly. I’m out of the group. Forever. Citrine me parlait d'un endroit pour mettre toute la meute, mais un membre de celle-ci nous a découverts et prévenu les autres. Et pour aggraver les choses, c'est à cause du fait que Citrine sentait comme vous les connards que la meute pensait que je n'étais rien de bon alors ils m'ont puni et se sont enfuis! [Citrine was talking to me about a place to put all the pack, but a member of it discovered us and warned the others. And to make it worse, it was due to Citrine smelling like you jerks that the pack thought I was up to nothing good so they punished me and ran away!]”

Silence permeated the whole area. The only sounds breaking the eerie iceberg these changes had caused was the patter of Connie’s heart and the wind blowing through the snow-covered trees. 

“G-Guys?” The girl gave her best performance for the final touch of the deception. “What do we do now?”

“Do we look for them? I mean, there’s tons of them. I doubt they found a place for all of them to hide,” Lapis suggested, though she wondered if it were possible to accomplish that still. If the whole pack spread out in a moment of vulnerability, it would be twice as hard then to get them all without the destruction worsening.

Peridot drew a mental chart to calculate the pros and cons of the situation. Wait, who was she kidding? There were cons everywhere. Not only had the plan failed before it started but also the number of casualties would increase with an agitated pack of corrupted quartzes on the loose. 

Let’s see. If they searched the entire area, they may find some of them entering a cave or scaling a mountain and contain them. Now that Amethyst was expelled, she wouldn’t get in their way to fulfill the mission. One pro in the whole mess, Peridot thought. Nonetheless, it wasn’t a pack of 20 or 50 corrupted gems but more than 200. And this area wasn’t limited to just fauna and flora and places for humans to relax.

“Alright,” the technician sighed, defeated. “Let’s return to the Beach House and concoct another plan. Besides, Connie needs a safer place to rest than here.” 

The other two Crystal Gems nodded, but the girl glanced at Amethyst not wanting to let her alone. 

“Wouldn’t you want to come with us?” she offered kindly.

“Comme si je voulais y aller. [As if I wanted to go]” she replied disdainfully, turning around. “You jerks are too much trouble to deal with.” She limped slowly to whatever destination she had in mind.

The others walked away in resigned silence. All their hard work, undone by a single unexpected variable. 

“I’m sorry the plan didn’t work, ma’am.” It was conflicting. On the one hand, Connie was elated because Amethyst’s family was saved. She did it! On the other hand, the girl felt deeply guilty for sabotaging her guardian’s ambush. They were risking their lives for the right reasons even if that meant doing questionable things. 

Again, Connie wished life were simpler for everyone. The sky is blue; fire is hot; 1 + 1 = 2. Just like that. Well, at least no one’s family was torn apart so it was a victory.

That was her goal in the end. Amethyst would still have her loved ones with her, despite their feral living conditions. She wouldn’t be alone and grieving. 

With that thought in mind, Connie relaxed slowly, a tiny but triumphant smile appearing on her face.

---

Jasper was no tech-loving genius like Peridot or a teenage-minded waterbender like Lapis. She was the perfect warrior, the Perfect Quartz. She followed orders and never backed down. Whether there was an obstacle between her and her goal, or an enemy threatening the wellbeing of her comrades, the only solution ingrained in her head was fighting. Pummel the adversary down then get ready for another battle.

The core of her gemstone, however, was telling her to do something else. To follow her instincts. Why? Because she had the feeling something was wrong. A factor missing or extra in the whole equation. If she were Peridot, solving the -theoretically speaking- math problem would be easier, but right now, her gut though immaterial was her key to figure out why she felt like this.

The whole change of their mission, the fiasco and Amethyst being kicked out of the Quartz Pack were tied, but by what exactly?

The quartz’s banishment may have been due to the savage nature of the gems of the pack, immersed as they were in corruption. That caused the whole debacle, but it still felt incomplete. 

Her mind went back to Connie’s little mission and how it ended in failure too because of Amethyst’s punishment by the pack. That’s where the suspicion came from. No, it came from the strange smile painted on the girl’s face, but why? She’d lamented that all their efforts were in vain in the end. Regardless…

‘I-I understand that that was the way during the war but is that really needed here? Is this really what mom would do?’

She didn’t approve of this plan. 

‘And… you’re sure this is the right thing to do? We couldn't... I don't know, cordon off the area and try and talk Amethyst around first?’

Connie suggested other alternatives. 

Other alternatives.

The self-assigned mission.

Appearing with Amethyst injured and expelled from the pack.

The whole ambush in shambles.

Jasper left her room, praying to Andromeda that her suspicions were wrong.

The little girl, laying on her bed, stopped reading her book and glanced up at her guardian. A spark of nervousness was noticeable in her eyes.

“Is something wrong, Jasper?”

“Was Amethyst truly banished from the pack?”

What?

“Uh… What? What do you mean?” Connie facepalmed mentally for the inflection of her voice. If she didn’t maintain her composure, Jasper would figure out everything.

“Was she really banished? Yes or no?”

“She was. Didn’t you hear what they had done to her?”

“And it happened during your task of diverting her. Peridot mentioned you took too long, then when we were going to search for you, you both appeared. She was bruised and weak.”

“The Quartz Pack may have accepted Amethyst but it was due to her shapeshifting powers. Still, they are a numerous group of mentally and physically compromised individuals whose mindset is to attack first, ask questions later. Besides, you heard her. One of the members discovered us and warned the pack. Then they beat her and left.”

If Connie were unable to control her emotions, she would have been a maraca at that exact moment, what with the trepidation and prayers of getting through Jasper’s head with her lies. Sadly, the quartz didn’t look that convinced.

“A member who caught two of you off guard and still didn’t attack you. It led to all of this. Sounds too convenient.”

“You’re saying this because you think corrupted gems are 100% dumb and aggressive,” Connie refuted.

“I say it because distracting Amethyst was YOUR idea, then after half an hour you came back with her and guess what? The pack suspected and expelled her thanks to a member who was suddenly walking stars-know-where and listened to both of you talk.”

The girl remained stoic, competing with Jasper in a glaring contest. She wouldn’t give in. No, she wouldn’t. She had to keep the lie or—

“Where are you going?” 

Jasper stopped, millimeters away from the door of the temple.

“You sabotaged the plan. Peridot and Lapis need to know this.”

“It was the right decision!” Connie snapped, her mouth covered by both hands in seconds, cursing herself for letting her frustration and outrage get the better of her.

The veteran turned around, hard eyes absorbing the girl, waiting for an explanation. The hybrid sighed and with the same resolution, straightened and spoke.

“Yes, it was the right thing to do. We’re trying to stop the mess the Quartz Pack was causing and protecting innocents from being hurt or worse, but taking away the only family Amethyst has is wrong. What we should have done from the start was talking to her. I mean, do you really think she is that stupid?”

“I never called her that.”

Connie rolled her eyes. “Should I remind you that you said: ‘Plus, she's a runt so who knows how long it could take to get her to understand.’?”

“Her stature doesn’t have anything to do with her intelligence. But what it does have to do with are her feelings towards the pack.”

“Oh, sure. Does that mean familial love and loyalty are hindrances now?”

Jasper’s right eye twitched a bit. 

“Don’t twist my words. I never considered those feelings bad or evil, but in these circumstances, they are obstacles. Amethyst may have gotten why we had to contain her family if we had told her, but she was protective of them too. She would have fought us.”

“With good reasons!” Connie shouted. “Don’t you see? She was all by herself, she isn’t corrupted like them. By blending in she was able to find a place to belong to, and we were going to leave her with nothing!”

“Connie,” Jasper rubbed her face with one hand, her exasperation increasing. Now she understood why some humans complained about teenagers being difficult. “Peridot stated there are lives at stake. That region may not be the safest place in the world, but the whole pack makes it much deadlier because they can’t control themselves. And thanks to your sabotage, the situation will be exponentially worse. What if a human camp is crushed in a stampede? Are you still going to say you acted correctly?”

“It’s not that I don’t care about others’ lives, but you three were ignoring how much this plan would hurt Amethyst in the end. Instead of taking advantage of her trust to attack her family, we should’ve let her in in our group and worked together to ensure both goals were reached: the pack’s containment and safety, and protecting the whole area.”

“For the last time, Connie. Amethysts know---”

“—camaraderie. I know. But you’re mentioning that as if it’s the only thing Amethyst cares about. And in some way, it is, because she has never met a non-corrupted gem like you guys. Her shapeshifting powers were her best resource to survive in the roughness of the pack while bonding with them. I know her attachment and love would be detrimental for the mission, though that doesn’t make us better by separating her from them.”

Within Jasper’s gemstone core, too many sides fought against each other. Connie was right; she sabotaged hours of hard work; they would take much longer to bubble the gems; the girl was being too emotional with this issue. Just… No side could get along or agree for five seconds. Instead, Jasper had to put up with a sudden migraine the size of Everest.

Losing loved ones. Watching how someone took away people you cared about from you. Comradery and loyalty. Jasper was familiar with all of that despite how much it hurt to be reminded of the past. However, this wasn’t about the past, right or wrong, or familiar connections. The mission was stopping the Quartz Pack from rampaging here and there, to ensure the safety of them and the future victims of their violence, and thanks to Connie, they were back to square one.

“You can’t make everyone happy, Connie. Your actions will make you worthy of admiration for some people, and an unforgivable enemy for others. Life is like that. It hurts to accept that not every good intention will be understood and rewarded, but it doesn’t mean it’s the only thing that matters here.”

“What does truly matter in this mission then? Besides preventing devastation and casualties, what else is important? Have you at least considered how lonely Amethyst would be? You were lucky for having Mom, Peridot and Lapis. Amethyst, on the other hand, had to struggle until she found a way to be part of a family, and we were this close to destroying that.”

“Stay here, ” Jasper ordered, done with the conversation. “The others need to know this.”

“But Amethyst—”

“Stay. Here !” the veteran bellowed furiously before opening the door to the temple. 

An eerie silence overtook the environment as if it was the prelude for a disaster. 

Connie wanted to scream, to freak out, to keep arguing, to drill some sense into Jasper’s head, but her body seemed to be in a trance. Frozen and stiff like a statue.

Oh boy, she was going to be so grounded when Peridot and Lapis found out. Though, by how dire the situation was, staying inside the Beach House until further notice was the least of her problems.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

‘A general sends some troops to die in a siege and holds others back in reserve. A king taxes half his land to support the other. A mother has one dose of medicine and two sick children. […] People of all walks, high and low, choose to hurt some and help others.’

Dimension S2R6

If there was a place the Beach House could be compared to just then, it was a cemetery. Or a funeral, though Connie thought ‘the scene of an execution’ might apply too given how things were going. 

Two pairs of eyes were looking at her with a dense mix of anger, betrayal and disappointment. 

Jasper was tense from head to toe, her arms crossed like a disapproving parent. If her nose weren’t her gemstone, flames and smoke would be coming out of it just then. Peridot, on the other hand, paced back and forth while struggling to resist the urge to storm off to her room. Connie could even see cracks in the wooden floor from how hard the steps of her mother figure were. That wasn’t a good sign, but after the disaster of half an hour ago, what wasn’t?

She wished there could be some way to add a bit of levity to this whole drama. Then, just as she thought about jokes and silliness, her mind went to Lapis and her gaze stopped before reaching the pillow on which a tear-shaped gemstone laid. 

Again, the events of 30 minutes ago were a cataclysm. Of the worst kind. 

Every brain cell inside of her replayed cruelly the sounds, the sensations, the yelling, the feelings and the outcome, which was the bitterest pill to swallow. The crackling and electricity of her finally-successfully-summoned weapon, the anger for the injustice perpetrated by her own family, Pearl and Amethyst’s ship attacked by Lapis, her impulsive maneuver that—

“I don’t have the slightest notion of what to make of your behavior, Connie,” Peridot said gravely. “Honestly, I thought you were smarter than this, but it seems that my estimation was grossly inaccurate; there is a time to act and a time to stand aside and this was very much the latter.”

Yep, lecture time here we go.

However, Connie was taught how to initiate a debate with solid arguments and steeled determination. And whether Peridot liked it or not, she was going to win. For Pearl and for Amethyst.

“I won’t look for excuses to free myself of the consequences of my actions, if that’s what you fear, ma’am. I am totally responsible for them. But you, Jasper and Lapis should be also held accountable for the mess of today’s mission.”

“ Us ?” Peridot’s high-pitched response would’ve been funny if it weren’t for the frown on her face. “I wasn’t the one who poofed one of my comrades! Jasper wasn’t the one who turned traitor! And Lapis wasn’t the one driven to such extreme behavior by runaway emotions!”

Connie suppressed the flinch at those—Ok, they were valid accusations, but Peridot wasn’t a saint either. 

“You, Jasper and Lapis were attacking innocent gems. Amethyst and Pearl weren’t our enemies. Pearl was clear about it: their only goal was to travel to Homeworld. There were no ill feelings or intentions against us, even when Amethyst was the one hating us because of our actions. And still, when I was trying to reason with you three, you commanded Jasper to destroy their ship! How is that fair?”

“Heartlessness wasn’t involved in this at all, Connie,” countered Peridot. “The consequences of letting them go were too catastrophic; therefore, they should be stopped. I don’t know if you have forgotten your gem history classes but the Earth isn’t a mere planet for Homeworld. It is the same place where the war happened, where they lost a leader, where the Diamond Authority was heavily insulted by the shattering of one of their members. They don’t follow the ‘Forgive and forget’ motto, Connie. They destroy and ask questions later. Stars! They often forgo the questions entirely.” Peridot massaged her temples before continuing. “It doesn’t matter if Pearl and Amethyst were leaving the planet as a neutral party. Their arrival at Homeworld would’ve meant suspicions and then a future invasion of our home!”

Alright, Connie didn’t have that outcome in mind. She hated to admit it, but she only imagined both Pearl and Amethyst returning home as the end of the story. Not an imminent attack on Earth provoked by them returning to Homeworld. But no one actually knew that was going to happen, right?

“With all due respect, ma’am, you don’t know that. We can’t simply act based on fears and conjectures. We would be guilty of the same emotional reasoning you’re accusing me of. Besides, if we had asked Pearl and Amethyst kindly and civilly to cover for us with some lie, the problem would’ve been solved.”

“Lies? Are you seriously so naïve as to believe Homeworld was going to buy any concocted story from those two?” 

Connie opened her mouth, but Peridot didn’t let her talk. 

“No! Homeworld has a long list of resources, of ways to get the truth out of them. I’ve seen their technology, Connie. The warships, the weapons, the injectors, the gems that popped out of the ground. We are a bunch of surviving rebels in front of a genocidal army of millions! And you’re still willing to risk the whole Earth over two gems?!”

“Two gems we have wronged in the worst way!” Why couldn’t she understand? Why was Connie the one being lectured as if she had acted mischievously? Amethyst hating them was a consequence; Pearl being trapped was a consequence. Did they care? NO! 

“We took the Quartz Pack away from Amethyst, abused her trust and left her without a family. We should’ve talked, explained to her why they needed to be contained. Instead, we chose the easy way. The result: she hates us.”

“Lying by omission wasn’t the easy way, it was the most intelligent one. Why? Amethyst would’ve gotten in our way by warning the pack or fighting against us. Sometimes, telling the truth is more detrimental to a goal than resorting to lies. And let’s not forget that we have lives to protect from them. I doubt Amethyst would be willing to make some sacrifices because of the attachment she has.”

“See? That’s the problem here. None of you can see things from other people’s perspective unless it benefits you! Talking to Amethyst is a bad idea because she isn’t going to understand, so better dealing with her hatred than trying. But what about comprehension, compassion, listening for once? You didn’t care about that. Pearl suffered the same way. We didn’t know she was trapped in that book, and many other gems may be inside an object, begging to be let out. What was your perfect way to solve this matter ? Violence.”

“This isn’t about one-sided benefits, Connie. It’s about consequences! I can accept the point that we were unaware of Pearl being conscious inside your book, but her wanting to return to Homeworld was impermissible and you know why!”

“I’ll say it again: we can’t act based on fear or conjectures.”

“We have context, Connie. Very important one,” Jasper said suddenly. 

Peridot nodded at this. “Exactly! And this context isn’t in our favor. The Earth is a sore spot for Homeworld due to the events in which many of their soldiers and Pink Diamond perished. I don’t need to be a seer to know that two gems who come from this planet can cause a great commotion and lead our enemy to resume their revenge. And when speak of revenge, I’m referring to global genocide, the end of life on Earth, 100% destruction. Are you ready to witness whole cities burnt to the ground? Watch your own kind be exterminated or forced to live in the Human Zoo? To witness entire landscapes stripped of life due to injectors? Is that what you want?!”

“So, what do you suggest, huh?!” Connie was getting tired of this… this self-entitled, arrogant holier-than-thou attitude. “It’s morally wrong to steal the freedom of two gems who have been through a lot of struggles and just wish to live their lives in peace. It’s morally wrong to lie to someone about helping their family and then ambush that same family and cage them all, even if there are good reasons to do it. You may say that pragmatism is useful, it is; however, it doesn’t mean morals and practicality can’t go hand in hand. If we have found a balance to that—”

“Not everyone respects the balance you might create between those two concepts, Connie. The same applies to the consequences. You may act correctly but cause more harm than good in the end.”

“That’s rich coming from you! I hated to betray you but you weren’t listening! Pearl and Amethyst didn’t deserve to be in bubbles just like the Quartz Pack. You treated them like criminals!”

“It was necessary,” Jasper intervened. “Connie, unlike you and Peridot -although she has a better understanding of Homeworld methods- your mother, Lapis and I have seen the horrors of war. It’s not a pleasant journey. We got lucky in surviving the Corruption Blast AND saving the planet, but we can’t tempt fate or rely on luck. You’re right that guesses shouldn’t be the basis of our actions; however, that’s better than pushing our luck concerning the next movements of the enemy.”

“We don’t hold anything against those two either,” added Peridot. “Amethyst and Pearl were just in the wrong moment, in the wrong place. Still, the reason to stop them doesn’t change. Letting them escape the planet was the same as condemning it and all of us. Our capabilities and resources are limited compared to Homeworld. A colossal, egotistical decision for nothing.”

“Egotistical?” That got on Connie’s nerves. “You’re calling me egotistical?! How can you say that when I was trying to save innocent lives? When you three forced me to summon my weapon on you and protect them FROM YOU?!”

“For two obvious reasons,” the green gem countered. “The first one, what Homeworld is capable of doing if they suspect there are still rebels on Earth, which is true. The second one, what Homeworld usually does with gems like Amethyst and Pearl. Amethyst, on one hand, is an off-color, smaller than average quartzes. Off-colors are punished by death just for existing, unless they have some usefulness. Pearl, on the other hand, was likely going to end up discarded; her former master has surely acquired a replacement Pearl by now. This meant, at best, that Pearl would wind up in the hands of an overzealous Agate or a snobbish, bossy Morganite - no pleasant fate, even as a best-case scenario. who could be much worse than her former master. So I don’t see many benefits awaiting them at their ill-considered destination.”

…Ok, she didn’t think about that either, as much as it embarrassed her to admit. 

Peridot felt a headache forming, or a gem-ache, which wasn’t much different given her gemstone’s placement. Anyway, this seemed like a clear indication that her capacity for rational discourse was almost exhausted, ergo, the conversation needed to conclude and swiftly. Grabbing carefully the pillow on which Lapis’ gemstone was resting, the technician sent another angry-parent glare to Connie before saying with finality, “You’re grounded until further notice, young lady. No more missions until you learn your lesson.” Then she pivoted and marched through the temple door into her room, not giving the girl a chance to argue further. 

---

Everything was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Super wrong!

Peridot couldn’t believe it! Why was Connie unable to see that her impulsive righteousness was going to doom them all, including herself?! 

Was that it? A serious fight and nothing to solve things between them? She hated that. Peridot didn’t want Connie to hate her, but what was the girl expecting after the stunt she’d pulled? A pat on the back and a congratulatory cookie?! Bah! Nonsense! She jeopardized the whole planet for two gems and even poofed one of their team!

Ok, the second event had been largely accidental, but still, it really shocked and disturbed Peridot. A part of her longed to be proud of her Connie for standing up for herself, for learning to summon her weapon on demand; the rational part of the technician, though, was nothing but angry. That brat needed to learn that no matter if you were the bad guy or the hero, there would always be consequences for every action you made.

‘That’s rich coming from you! I hated to betray you but you weren’t listening! Pearl and Amethyst didn’t deserve to be in bubbles just like the Quartz Pack. You treated them like criminals!’

No, they didn’t. They were averting calamity, that’s all. Besides, it’s not as though Homeworld were a paradise for gems. They don’t show mercy to off-colors or ownerless servants. Seriously, she had to find a way to teach that to Connie once they cooled off.

But what if there wasn’t a moment or a chance? 

What if Peridot was too extreme with this?

No no, bubbling Amethyst and Pearl was necessary. It was that or face the end of the world. 

The existence of mankind and the Earth were heavier than two gems. Connie was too young yet to comprehend that, no matter her precociousness . 

‘We can’t simply act based on fears and conjectures. We would be guilty of the same emotional reasoning you’re accusing me of.’

This wasn’t action driven by impulsive or emotional thinking. They have historical context, Agates take them! The Gem War happened on Earth. Homeworld lost on Earth. Pink Diamond was shattered on Earth. THE DIAMOND AUTHORITY HATES EARTH!!! 

For Andromeda, did Connie need to be forced to witness massacre after massacre perpetrated by Diamond-loyalists to understand that?!

“UGH!! What am I going to do now? What am I going to do with her?” she lamented, a part of her expecting a response from the other gem in the room. But Lapis was still poofed, yet another consequence of Connie’s ill-conceived actions.

How would Lapis act after she reformed and was told the rest of the events? It was bad enough that Connie disapproved of their actions, imagining her and Lapis mad at each other just gave her a massive migraine. 

She wished she could talk to her. As mischievous  and sometimes immature as she was, Lapis had grown a lot. Maybe her opinion could help her with these conflictive feelings. Stupid feelings, they never make sense! That’s why she only resorted to logic.

Anyway, she would have to be attentive in case Lapis reformed, to help her to catch up with all the drama and mess unleashed. So, Peridot carefully hugged the pillow before sitting, never leaving the tear-shaped gemstone out of sight.

They- There had to be some path forward, some means of averting catastrophe on both a familial and planetary scale. The alternatives were simply too painful to accept. But there, alone with only her thoughts and Lapis’ gemstone, Peridot couldn’t see it.

Gaze straying into the middle distance, Peridot said with strained confidence, “Lapis will know. As both a veteran of the war and a being adept at deciphering teenagers, she’ll help correct current circumstances.”

Then she looked once more to the blue gemstone in front of her. “Hurry back,” she whispered.

Chapter 79: Interview Interlude: Part 1

Chapter by br42, TheInvaderZim

Summary:

A lot has happened! Emerald only left town a couple of days ago, and a certain intrepid pursuer of the Truth has some questions about Connie's adventures. What better way to answer them in a long-form interview? Almost as a... recap, of sorts?

Notes:

Connieswap is continuing! More details will be available when the first chapter of A New Era: Episode 1 is made available, but here's the long and the short:

-> A New Era's first chapter will be posted Friday, September 23rd
-> Subsequent chapters will be posted weekly, every Friday, with a two-week break between episodes
-> With BR42's blessing, it will be posted within this collection and be a canon continuation of the adventures of Connie and friends, post episode 40. It will pick up immediately where episode 40 left off.

For those of you that will be returning, welcome! This is the first of a two-part omake which will help refresh your memory on the events of the first 40 episodes. Or you could just go reread the whole story, iunno, up to you I guess.

Though not directly contradictory in any way, for the sake of length, interest and amusement it is a little bit… on-the-nose?

This omake should be considered 75% canon.

br42 addition: Aside from Zim's blurb above, I wanted to pop in and add that this is Zim's omake, not mine. I was just involved in an editorial role. Thanks, Zim, for the fine and fun addition to the Omake Collection. Also, all the luck with the upcoming A New Era.

“Okay, so… run this by me again?” Connie asked skeptically. Ronaldo Fryman paced in front of her, putting himself periodically inside then outside the frame of the tripod-mounted cell phone camera which he’d set up behind him.

A swivel chair sat across from her, in frame and unused. Connie had been provided a folding chair. The camera was recording, and the interview was supposed to be formal, sorta, like a talk show, but being constrained to a seat had quickly proven too much for Ronaldo to handle. Against the far wall, outside the view of the camera, was hung a corkboard festooned with images and notes and bits of string, such that the sheer breadth of the surely mind-warping conspiracy contained within it had long exceeded its borders.

Against another wall were sacks of potatoes. Evidently, with the town lighthouse which had served as Ronaldo’s “inner sanctum” destroyed, the fry shop storeroom had been the next best thing he could scrounge.

“It’s very simple, Connie.” Ronaldo was pacing back and forth across the floor, and spoke in a slow and patronizing tone, as if addressing an especially obtuse child. “Over the last two years the complexity and quantity of moves orchestrated by the Conspiracy have skyrocketed in parallel to Steven’s arrival in town and your association with him. Now, as a skeptic of reality and pursuer of the Truth, I am above coincidences. As such I can only assume that your journey has some kind of significance in the vast web of the Conspiracy. Only by chronicling it can the web be untangled and, thus, defeated. It is a grave burden, and an immense responsibility.” At this he paused his pacing, posing dramatically in front of the camera. Or at least, it would’ve been a dramatic pose had the top of his head been in the frame. “But one I take on without hesitation, anyway.”

“And you’re going to put it -” Connie started.

“On my blog, yes. You see, Connie, though many of my followers have yet to fully open their eyes to the Truth, they’ve proven very receptive to matters related to yourself and your compatriots, the Crystalline Gems?” Ronaldo paused, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I believe that by sharing your story with the world, we might open new eyes to the great Conspiracy and begin to unravel its implications in one fell swoop.”

Connie shifted uncomfortably in her seat, such as it was. It wasn’t that she’d been asked to do this by Ronaldo directly; then it would have been as simple as saying no. 

But evidently Peedee had been talking to Steven, and then they both talked to her, and agreed while talking to her that if Ronaldo wasn’t able to wind down from his crazed high somehow, he would end up doing something dramatic. What that dramatic thing might have been (or how Peedee had managed to properly italicize the word despite it being said aloud) remained to be seen, but the two of them had insisted that she try to help walk him back - and apparently the best way to defuse the situation would be to spill her entire story as a fledgling heroine while sitting in an uncomfortably humid fry shop store room. Peedee was hoping it would show Ronaldo that there was no “great Conspiracy” linking the town to theories about a flat and/or hollow Earth. Steven was hoping that she’d be able to talk Ronaldo back to reality, just in case the raw facts weren’t enough, as they so frequently weren’t.

Connie was not optimistic about either of these possibilities.

Ronaldo, for his part, looked very much like the man who believed that microwaves secretly contained mind-altering transmission arrays. His fedora was neither bare nor completely shrouded in aluminum foil as Connie had sometimes seen it, but rather appeared to be something of a half-measure. The brim was mostly covered but pieces were fraying and hanging loose, unattended by the wearer. Ronaldo himself was wearing a grease-spotted apron and button-down shirt, but it was apparent that neither had been washed in several days, and that moreover they’d spent the better part of that time in a hot and greasy fry shop.

Ronaldo himself wasn’t doing much better. He’d evidently showered recently (which was a substantial relief on Connie’s part) but he was sporting a mangy beard befitting a man who neither knew nor cared how poorly it looked on him, and had heavy bags under his eyes as if he’d spent the last few nights staring into a monitor or a phone screen, which was very probable.

Connie, meanwhile, was more normal. By Beach City standards, anyway - her adventure bag complete with saber was sitting next to the door, and Connie herself was wearing a power sink that flashed slowly between colors, powered by her own mild apprehension. At the very least, though, she didn’t expect that Ronaldo was too dangerous - she wasn’t exactly the type of girl that could go down from being hit over the head with a potato, after all. And anyway, apparently the only weapon Ronaldo owned was a replica katana from an anime convention, which he had warded against several types of supernatural creatures. It had also been banned from the fry shop.

Connie hadn’t asked if he’d, say, owned anything of the sort (or how/why someone would ward a replica katana from the supernatural), Ronaldo was just the kind of person who overshared about things like that. Repeatedly. At length.

“Okay,” Connie said, having received sufficient explanation as to what, exactly, Ronaldo himself thought she was doing there. “That seems reasonable, I guess. And, uh, since it’s for your brother…” she trailed off. 

Peedee’s L&L sessions had given up on their early array of Frybo-inspired golems as his therapy sessions with Dr. Brooks had continued. The current leg of the campaign, though, was themed around political intrigue and debunking secret conspiracies to dissuade a mad wizard from destroying a continent. It left little to the imagination on where his mind was.

“Excellent. Then let us begin.” With all the pomp and circumstance befitting his nature, Ronaldo graced his swivel chair with his presence and ensured that both he and Connie were in sight of the camera. “Please - start at the beginning. I believe it was around two and a half years ago that you first met Steven, correct?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Connie said. “But, um, things started happening a little before that actually. I guess we should start at the top. My mother, Citrine, and the other gems - that’s, uh, Peridot, the green one, Lapis, the blue one, and Jasper, the orange one - are part of an alien race that came to Earth as part of an invasion thousands of years ago, but they rebelled and won. Well, Peridot wasn’t, she showed up later, but um…”

A pause, Connie beginning to grasp for the first time the true breadth of the story ahead of her. Ronaldo had produced a notepad and pen, and was scribbling. Suppressing a sigh, she continued. “Anyway, after the Rebellion, my mother lived with the others for a couple thousand years, and met my dad. Then she gave up her physical form to make me. That’s where I got this.” Connie gestured to her chest, where the top third of a yellow citrine quartz gemstone was visible above the neckline of her shirt collar. 

“But I wasn’t actually really magical or anything for, like, pretty much my entire life until a couple weeks before Steven moved to town. My mother had these powers that I’d always wanted to have but could never activate until a few years ago, and the gems - that’s, uh, Lapis, Peridot and Jasper, and they’re like my guardians? Except they also protect the Earth as the Crystal Gems. Anyway, the gems wouldn’t tell me anything about what her powers were , because she told them not to. So I had to figure it out for myself.”

Ronaldo nodded along thoughtfully. “The Conspiracy often occludes the sight of those who threaten to stand opposed to it. Do not blame your guardians, Connie. I’m sure they thought what they were doing was right, however misguided their attempts might’ve been.”

“Right…” Connie sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon. “Anyways, it started when the gems spent the morning fighting what we’d taken to calling the centipeedle matriarch, actually a corrupted Nephrite, another type of gem. They’d, uh, been fighting her on the beach and some of the little copies she made got into the house during the fight…”

    [Episode 1- Gem Glow]

“...so it wasn’t really just me that beat her,” Connie finally said, “but I count it as my first real win anyway.”

“Fascinating.” Ronaldo was stroking his scraggly beard. The pen, uncapped, was only getting a little bit stuck in amongst the hair. “And have you ever considered who sent the creature? Assaulting your base and potentially injuring or even killing a 12-year-old girl on the eve of her discovering her destiny. How low the Conspiracy sinks in its efforts to undermine its opposition.”

“Um, they actually get lured there by Peridot,” Connie clarified. “I found that out later when a bigger monster decided to go to Beach City. We have sensor towers all over the planet that attract gems and the especially powerful ones are pulled towards the temple near the edge of town.”

Ronaldo shook his head and tisked. “Oh Connie. Perhaps Peridot believes it’s her sensory arrays which are responsible - or perhaps they even are, but why that monster? Why on that day? And what would be the logic behind luring so many dangerous creatures into a space so poorly defended and filled with bystanders?”

Connie frowned and opened her mouth to respond, but then Ronaldo shrugged and added a note to his page. “Ah well. Questions for another day. Please, continue your story, Connie.”

Connie closed her mouth, cleared her throat, then opened it again. A really, really long afternoon, she thought to herself, and sighed in resignation. 

Although, if anything, this was a little reaffirming. As little as two years ago she had been so socially awkward that she would’ve never even made it this far while talking about herself. Besides, she had friends now - Steven and Peedee, to name a few - and friends helped each other. She hadn’t had friends when she’d fought the centipeedle. Just a magic book and Lapis, maybe, although having a self-described “super-aunt” or “cool older sister” wasn’t exactly the same. Especially not with the continent-sized load of emotional baggage she’d carried around behind her for most of Connie’s childhood…

Whatever. Storytime. Speaking of emotional baggage, Connie continued.

“After that there was the Lunar Sea Spire, or, uh, I guess there was that Red-Eye first. You remember that, probably. Steven does because his family had just moved in. Homeworld apparently sent scouts periodically to see what was going on around Earth, and when it got close enough Lapis pulled it under the ocean -”

Ronaldo inhaled sharply, briefly sputtering as some spit went down the wrong pipe. “You mean to tell me that your compatriot Lapis Lazuli commands the spiritual forces of the lost city of Atlantis?!”

Connie paused. “ Maaaaybe?” she hedged.

As though she’d asked for more context, Ronaldo authoritatively explained the situation. “The lost city of Atlantis was sunk thousands of years ago by the sky-lords for their transgressions against the interspatial compact. The sky-lords have been attempting to reconquer Earth for since then but have always been held at bay by the vengeful spirits of the Atlanteans, who shield our world from their malevolent forces - the Conspiracy, meanwhile, among other things, seeks to open a psychic gap that the sky-lords can return to Earth through! That your Lapis Lazuli might be channeling the spirits of lost Atlanteans -” Ronaldo gasped again, a long, drawn out sound that approached a squeal. “Excuse me, please.”

He stood up without another word and began reorganizing a few pins on his conspiracy board. A not-very-flattering photo of Lapis on the boardwalk was conspicuously moved considerably closer to the string-and-push pin summit. 

He then returned to the seat, his face serious. “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Connie. As you can see, our discussion is already having far-ranging repercussions. That the beginning of your journeys is marked by a resurgence of a conflict as old as recorded history is surely a sign of importance, but what that sign might mean… Well, continue, and we will see.”

“Uh, yeah.” Connie struggled to keep a look of open skepticism off her face at the fryman’s ramblings, but couldn’t help feeling a little intrigued. What he’d just said had almost, accidentally, made something resembling coherent sense. 

“Okay, so after the Red Eye, I got to go on my first mission. To a place called the Sea Spire, way out in the middle of the ocean. I was carrying a statue that was supposed to keep the place from falling apart, and when we got there…”

    [Episode 2 - Yet So Far]

“...And then Lapis flew off. I felt awful about it for weeks, and she was gone for days,” Connie said. She hadn’t meant to explain that much, maybe keep things light on the details, but even for a healed wound it felt a little ridiculous to explain without proper context.

“Mmm. I wouldn’t blame your aquatic friend too much,” Ronaldo said sagely. “After all, she’s channeling all the lost spirits of Atlantis through her. It’s no small wonder that seeing one of their last artifacts disappear beneath the waves was traumatic.”

Connie processed this and something clicked into place. Oh. Lapis’s biggest regret was drowning a continent and seeing the Sea Spire disappear might’ve triggered something… “That… sounds right,” she muttered. “A little. Uh, anyway, thanks.”

Ronaldo nodded with an air of wisdom, offset substantially by the aluminum foil drooping below the rim of his hat and getting caught in his hair. “So, it was after this point you met Steven?” he asked.

“Yes.” Connie sat up straighter and smiled a little bit at a sweet if embarrassing memory. “Well, the first time we met was at the Big Donut. I’d, uh, made a total fool of myself…”

    [Episode 3 - Force Field Friends]

“...and then he fired a harpoon at the Kunzite and managed to poof her!” Connie exclaimed. “And I got a new power out of the deal. It was scary at the time but, like, that was kind of a big deal for me. Plus, Steven didn’t run away screaming like I imagine most people would after something like that; he actually thought it was cool. And then we, uh, started hanging out.” She shrugged meekly.

Ronaldo was taking notes. “Interesting. That the Conspiracy could dispatch an agent to startle away a fated partnership and instead only strengthen their new bond…” He paused his scribblings and looked at the camera. “It inspires hope that our cause is on the right side of history.”

“Sure,” Connie said. “Although I really do think the monster attacks were just random. The Kunzite had been around for a couple days before that, we just hadn’t found it.”

“And yet it only emerged when doing so posed the most risk to you and Steven.” Ronaldo pointed out. “Surely, Connie, you don’t consider that a coincidence.”

Skepticism was getting harder and harder to hide. “I guess not,” Connie said.

Ronaldo nodded. “I’m glad your eyes are opening. Now, let us continue. What happened next?”

“Oh, um, my 13th birthday,” Connie said with a frown. “Nothing happened.”

(Things had in fact happened - the day itself was a blur of age-reversal and reversal-reversal, and one Connie had been happy to forget. But at least she’d stopped lying to her dad about her adventure-prone life - that counted for something, right?)

    [Episode 4 - Daddy’s Little Girl]

Ronaldo shrugged. “Perhaps after their last disastrous attempt at interference, the Conspiracy decided to allow such a major event to pass unmarked.”

“Let’s go with that.” Connie nodded. Ronaldo gestured for her to continue, so she did.

“Let’s see,” she thought back a little harder. 

    [Episode 5 - Tales of Beach City]

“Um, after that… well, Lapis and Peridot worked at the Big Donut for a little while after she got back, but that’s not super important… Oh, Jasper and I visited a gem temple! Which was a big, upside down pyramid temple thing that was designed as a dungeon.”

Ronaldo’s pen had fallen out of his hands. “The Inverted Pyramid of Mel’dahir? You two were the ones who vanquished it?!”

“Yes?” Connie said tentatively. “Um, Jasper did most of the work but I figured out that the inside -”

“ An endless labyrinth of tangled horror from entrance door beneath the floor,” Ronaldo intoned. “It’s been chronicled in the histories of Exandria and the lost libraries of the Darkin! It was said to imprison a fierce agent of the lost keepers, who would pay penance on a day of release by inflicting chaos upon our world! You - freed it?”

Connie nodded, barely even noticing that, yeah, that about covered it. “Not on purpose,” she said. “And we did eventually deal with it, kinda- Well, actually that’s a long story, but, um, it was just another corrupted gem, one that could control gravity -”

“And what purpose might the dungeon have served, if not to contain it?” Ronaldo demanded. He’d risen from his chair and began pacing again. “The loss of the Pyramid of Mel’dahir was preordained by the ancient Nords as a sign of the end times. Once freed, the spirit within would rain down destruction upon civilization until the gods themselves saw fit to intervene.”

Connie considered what an unrestrained Pyra might have done to Beach City if the gems hadn’t been around to contain it, and nodded again. “Yeah, uh, that did almost happen, kind of. It got lured here later on, but -”

“Ah - ah!” Ronaldo interrupted her, planted himself back into his chair… and having to awkwardly scooch himself forward into frame when the motion caused the swivel chair to roll backward across the store room. Glancing back up at the camera, he cleared his throat and continued “Chronology on these things is important, Connie! Who knows what hidden patterns we might miss were we to try and interpret your adventure out of order?”

Connie frowned again but nodded nonetheless. “Sure, I guess. Um, we also fought a giant moving ice-castle. That was where I first met Wolf, actually. You know Wolf - he works on the Boardwalk in the fry-suit?”

Ronaldo nodded. “I am acquainted with your familiar, the Howlander. My brother speaks highly of him as a liberator and friend to Truthseekers. Continue.”

Connie, highly doubting that Peedee had spoken in exactly those terms, nonetheless continued. The next event - New Year’s Eve - came easily to mind.

“Um, I met Hiddenite when the gems fused over New Year’s,” she offered. “Gems fusing is when they turn into a single bigger person. It’s like…” she thought about it for a minute, thinking of Garnet. “A physical form of a relationship. Then there was a big fight and Lapis left again but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Who fused?” Ronaldo asked.

“Oh, uh, Peridot and Lapis,” Connie said. “But I’d really rather not talk about it.”

    [Episode 6 - Universal Appeal]

“Perhaps Peridot was unable to handle the power of the Atlanteans that Lapis Lazuli carries within her,” Ronaldo ruminated. “I would imagine sudden exposure to so many dissonant voices would be -” At this point he turned back to find Connie wearing an expression of such stormy disapproval that he faltered mid-sentence . He cleared his throat and nodded. “I see. Please, continue.”

“Well, Lapis left again after that, for a lot longer this time,” Connie continued. Ronaldo opened his mouth to interject and Connie ignored it, bulling through. “After that I found out that Peridot had been trying to restore life to the kindergartens, which, if you aren’t aware, are these big areas where gems emerged thousands of years ago.”

“Ah yes. In case you’re not aware,” Ronaldo added, “one such site is also well-known as the emergence point of the Violet Voleur’s ancestors, thousands of years prior. Evidently the gravel-kin couldn’t wholly shake the Earth’s grasp upon their magics and produced a significant number of Earth’s most well-known cryptids.”  He nodded knowledgeably. “And you say you reversed the alchemies which had rendered the land barren?”

    [Episode 7 - Assistant Connie]

“Yeah,” Connie said, then paused to consider the previous remark. Steven had mentioned that Amethyst had said something about being born at the Alpha Kindergarten, when he was gathering information/being held as a prisoner. “Apparently making gems needs most of the stuff that’s also needed for anything else to live there, so we turned off some of the machines, Mom did something to release minerals the gem-making processes had locked away, and that seems to have fixed it. Oh, and Peridot got made a full Crystal Gem, since she wasn’t around for the Rebellion and I guess my mother had still been worried about her loyalties before I was born.”

Ronaldo snorted. “As if she would have needed to when Peridot is already so far beyond the techno-clades of her people.”

Connie couldn’t help but nod in agreement, and with a bit of pride as she recalled the memory. “Yeah. That wasn’t the end of that adventure though. After that I ended up hanging out with Saaa-a bunch of teenagers -” even a cursory look at how she’d be feeling if Sadie, Buck, Jenny or Sour Cream brought her up by name in similar circumstances was enough for a quick save - “and found out that my mother kept a nightmare monster in the quarry outside of town. That’s why it used to be a hot spring and it isn’t anymore, by the way.”

Ronaldo let this seeming non sequitur pass unchallenged, and instead asked, “This ‘nightmare monster.’ Describe it for me?”

    [Episode 8 - Sadie Miller’s Day Off]

“Um, well, it was huge when we found it. Like bigger than a car. And covered in eyes- Like, dozens of them. And black like a shadow. Getting too close to it made everyone wig out on bad emotions. See, it turns out that the nightmare monster has something to do with how my mother’s Sanctuary works, which, wow, I guess I didn’t even know about yet, actually. Well, worked, it was -”

Pausing, she glanced at Ronaldo to find he’d plugged his ears and was looking at her meaningfully.

“Right, chronology, sorry.” Then, when this utterly failed to elicit a response, she rolled her eyes and gestured for Ronaldo to unstop himself which, fortunately, he did.

“Okay, sorry,” she continued. “So, nightmare monster. It’d been living in the quarry since I don’t even know when, and just kept getting bigger and bigger because I had to purge it - or, sorry, uh, make it smaller - using my gem in a process I still don’t fully understand. And I did, barely. It was - well, it was pretty awful at the time. Looking back I’m pretty sure that’s still one of the top three worst things I’ve had to deal with.”

“And where is this so-called nightmare creature now?” Ronaldo asked.

Connie wilted a little. “It’s, uh, it’s sleeping in a bubble at home. Because of, uh, stuff that we’ll get to later, I guess.”

Ronaldo nodded. “And you still have no idea why it needed purging by you specifically? Or why it existed?”

“Well, kind of.” Connie said. “It has to do with my mother’s… uh, a place we haven’t talked about yet. It siphons off negative emotions and dumps them into Umbra and I have to purge Umbra - um, that’s the name we gave it - afterwards or it just gets bigger and bigger. But I didn’t know anything like that at the time. And it’s not like my mother was much help, the book she left for me barely mentioned it. Plus, I still don’t know what Umbra was supposed to do. Especially because I also make little ones when I get frustrated sometimes. Did it just appear because of the Sanctuary? Why can I control them? How did it - oh for -”

Her gaze, formerly wandering, dropped back to Earth to find that Ronaldo had stopped his ears again. Connie stood up in frustration, crossed the space between them and roughly pulled one of his fingers out before returning to her folding chair. 

While she caught her breath, she willed herself to calm down. The power sink around her neck shifted color from orange to blue. Ronaldo rubbed the side of his head, wincing slightly, and quiet prevailed between them. 

“Sorry,” Connie finally said. “That was rude.” Then she remembered a sentiment that she and Dr. Brooks had come up with while working through certain things related to her sword. “Powers are weird and frustrating, but that doesn’t mean I have to be frustrated when they’re weird.”

“It’s quite alright. We all have our heights of passion,” Ronaldo replied passively.

Then he scratched his chin while he considered the quandary. “Hmm… The diminished negativity locus near the quarry does match up well with your story, but as for purpose, I can only assume it acts as a hidden ally.”

“ What?” Connie exclaimed, utterly taken aback.

“Well, its first intersection with you was voluntary on your behalf, and it was related to your dormant phylactery. It appeared in your journey soon after your release of the poltergeistic gravitoid imprisoned within the Pyramid of Mel’dahir, a creature which dealt almost completely with the physical rather than the emotional. Tell me, did this nightmare creature seem to obey any of your commands?”

Connie choked and nodded, a little stricken. “When it was comfortable, anyway. Sort-of. But I’ve made little ones and they’ve listened to me a little more.” Mother’s shadow monster was… a weapon?! I thought Umbra was an accident, like magical Sanctuary runoff that grew eyes and would track down a Citrine gemstone if it got big enough.

Ronaldo nodded sagely. “I thought so. Perhaps we should advise on these matters more often, hmm?”

Which was enough to bring Connie back to reality, as whether he was right or not, there was no way Connie was letting Ronaldo any closer to her Destiny Business than she absolutely had to. “Uh, maybe,” she dodged. Smooth… “Thanks, anyway. So, next?”

Ronaldo nodded and sat at attention, notepad primed.

“Let’s see. After that I went to the Sea Shrine, which is this big underwater science facility that Homeworld built to research time. Well, it wasn’t underwater originally, but -”

“The Atlanteans were known philosophers on the nature of time,” Ronaldo prompted. “Please continue.”

“Sure,” Connie took the remark in stride because of course he’d be half-aware of that already. “Well I picked up one of the little time machines and a pair of other-mes showed up. One of them looked like me back then and the other looked more like, well, how I do now. In terms of like -” she paused, examined one arm, flexed very briefly before blushing and realizing how ridiculous it looked, then hurrying forward. “Well, she had a better build. They were both the same age. But one of them was bad. Like dark-side bad. And that got me doing a lot of thinking about how I could go bad.”

    [Episode 9 -  Connie and The Connie]

“And then I thought about it for a bit -”

    [Episode 10 - The Butterfly Effect]

“- and that was about the time I started involving Steven in the, um, adventure stuff more, because I didn’t want to be bad.”

    [Episode 11 - We Need To Talk]

“Connie, I’m somewhat concerned that the fate of the Truth and the Conspiracy hangs in the balance of your relationship with Steven,” Ronaldo said.

Connie snorted with laughter, then stopped abruptly when she saw the somber expression opposite her. She raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Surely, you can’t be serious.”

“I am extremely serious,” Ronaldo said, extremely seriously. “And don’t call me Shirly.”

Connie rolled her eyes, then stopped halfway through when she remembered she was on camera. She took a moment to actually think about how many times she and the gems had saved the world over the last two years (at least twice, three times if you counted Emerald) and frowned. Her frown deepened when she tried to mentally tally the size of Steven’s contributions to those same, world-saving efforts and the result was… not small. Not small at all. Once again, Ronaldo’s assessment had been really, really weirdly accurate for how wrong it was. And that felt… wrong.

And that wrong feeling, while maybe something she should talk to Steven about at some point, was certainly not something she wanted to discuss with a conspiracy theorist in front of a camera. “That’s my business,” she instead said flatly, and Ronaldo shrugged.

Eager to move on to other subjects, Connie continued. “Let’s see, after that whole fiasco Peridot got poofed in an accident involving a training blaster and Steven’s parents left the house so Jasper had to look after us for a few days, which was… weird.”

    [Episode 12 - Perfect Parenting]

“But I think having to do that got Jasper to start thinking about some stuff, so that was a win even if I couldn’t even look at donuts or pizza for a week or two afterwards.”

Once again, Ronaldo allowed the seeming non-sequitur to pass unchallenged.

“After that my dad moved to Beach City with his gir- Priyanka.” Having almost gagged on the word, Connie sighed and forced herself to say it. “His girlfriend. And then Jasper, Peridot and I went down into a pretty cool borehole and fought a, well, not really a Balrog but that’s how Jasper remembers it. That’s how I first got to meet Tiger’s Eye, which is their fusion. She, uh, really likes rocks.”

    [Episode 13 - Giant Problem]

“And then Lapis came home.” Suppressing another sigh, Connie reminded herself that Lapis’s delinquencies and emotional problems were behind her - Probably. Hopefully. “Again. It’d been more than three months since she left.”

Receiving no interruption, Connie trudged on. “The next couple of things you were probably there for, actually. There was that big blowout fight at the beach party the Universes threw.”

    [Episode 14 - Beach City Limits]

“Ah yes. With the roving pack of super hornet gravelkin,” Ronaldo said smartly. “I was unfortunately bereft of my weapon at the event, and was thus unable to assist you. It’s not a mistake I’ve allowed myself to make again.”

Connie briefly imagined a faux-katana-wielding Ronaldo fighting a group of corrupted Orthoclase before ending that line of thought just as quickly. It was better for everyone that her dad had been the only full human fighting offensively that day. Shaking the thought loose, Connie focused back on her story. “And then there was that weird movie where all the characters were kind of like us -”

    [Episode 15 - Bonnie Lockdrew and the Cries of Hallowed Halls]

“Ah yes, the Beach City Horror Club. Oh, speaking of, will you be joining Miss Miller and I for our viewing this month? We’ve finished our viewings of the Murderbear series and are moving on to the Sharkicane franchise. Though critically panned, cult fans have widely regarded them as enjoyable for their cinematography… if not their writing.”

Connie shrugged. “If I’m not busy.” 

To which Ronaldo wrote a brief note on his pad.

“...solid maybe…” he muttered, and then returned to the topic at hand.

“And then… oh, yeah. That month.” Connie paused.

    [Episode 16 - Loud and Clear]

“ That month?” Ronaldo asked. Connie nodded.

“In most of the books I’ve ever read, the heroines just kind of deal with it when they get hit in the head with their magical destiny over and over,” explained the heroine. “Nobody ever writes a story where the protagonist is like ‘and then Connie took a vacation and told her magical destiny to please wait until she got back, and had a wonderful, normal, destiny-free time for 200 pages because she needed a break.’ Well by the end of that month I was pretty much done with, uh, everything.”

Ronaldo looked at her expectantly.

Connie sat there in silence.

Ronaldo leaned forward, tapping pen on notepad impatiently. When several more seconds passed in awkward silence, he said, “This does require a complete recounting of events.”

“Okay, fine!” exclaimed Connie, unable to keep the exasperation from her voice. She took another moment to organize her thoughts before drawing in a deep breath to speak.

“Okay so first Steven went out of town, which wouldn’t normally be a big deal except he forgot his phone, which also wouldn’t normally be a big deal except, well, a lot of stuff happened all on top of each other. Like, first we met a new gem named Amethyst who you know as the Violet Voleur, she lived up north with a big bunch of corrupted quartzes that the gems had never been able to do anything about. And then the gems used her to ambush that big pack of gem monsters and poof them and Amethyst didn’t like that because why would she - ” Connie took another deep breath and her gem guttered with light for a moment. “And then she took my book which - oh, jeez, I don’t think I’ve even mentioned that - I had a storybook which was inhabited by an embedded gem named Pearl that we thought was corrupted but it turns out she wasn’t somehow, and Amethyst took her and freed her but Amethyst wasn’t very good with books so I thought she’d basically just taken and probably accidentally killed my childhood friend.”

Ronaldo opened his mouth to say something - probably something stupid and ridiculous that Connie didn’t want to hear like “your childhood friend was a book?” and she pushed past it. That this had been a focal point of her therapy sessions with Dr. Brooks for the last month had helped her move past it, and at least now she was able to talk about it without being angry, or crying, or crying in anger… but it still wasn’t super pleasant.

“And then I opened my mother’s room in the temple, which- You’ve been in my house so you know that the temple has a room for every gem, kinda, and my mother’s had been locked since I was born, and there was a bunch of stuff in there that didn’t ultimately mean anything to me but I really wanted it to mean something and that was pretty frustrating because I was still processing a bunch of things about her.”

Again Ronaldo tried to interject and again he was overruled.

“After that I went and had dinner with my dad and Priyanka for the first time, and that went about as well as expected, especially with all the other stuff going on because the gems and I still really weren’t talking much after the whole ‘betraying Amethyst’ thing. Then Lapis got cracked and we took her to a magic, gem-healing fountain and met another new gem who was actually two gems that are fused all the time except they aren’t nowadays, probably, and also she can see the future.”

Ronaldo didn’t even try to interject as Connie sucked in another deep breath.

“And then I found out that I have the world’s crappiest healing powers because I can transfer injuries to myself but they don’t actually heal until I go insubstantial for awhile and I didn’t even know I could do that yet so I accidentally transferred Steven’s congenital hearing loss to me and then I was deaf for awhile but like actually deaf because the hearing aids that Peridot kept making kept shorting out from the electrical aura that I constantly generate -” at this point she lifted her necklace - “and it took days to figure out why.”

She stopped, the tirade finally concluded. Ronaldo opened his mouth again -

“Oh, and then Steven and I went on a picnic and fought a monster and, uh, Onion’s friends, with Wolf.”

    [Episode 17 - Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service]

“Wow,” Ronaldo finally said. He’d begun the account taking furious notes, but had given up somewhere around the point that she’d started talking about Citrine’s room. “Um… do you want to talk about any of that?”

Connie fixed him with a shallow glare. “I have talked about it. I’ve talked about it with the gems, and my dad, and with Steven, and with my therapist, Dr. Brooks, and also I lived it ! From this I have come to the very well-earned conclusion that, no , I do not want to talk about it.”

Ronaldo winced, which was satisfying in a way that Connie’s shoulder-Lapis quite approved of and her shoulder-Steven definitely didn’t, but whatever. It was her story and she’d tell it how she wanted. Why was she doing this, again?

“Okay, but, just a few questions…” Ronaldo began looking through his notes.

Oh, right. Because it’s supposed to help with this. Somehow.

By the time Ronaldo had run through his myriad of questions, comments and concerns, nearly 20 minutes had passed. And that was with Connie answering in as few words as possible. And while it was not-at-all fascinating to delve into the intimate lore and relations between the subterraneans whom Ronaldo believed would hail the “Great Mender Matyr” as their savior, and the sasquatch tribes that supposedly had been seeded by them, it was at this point that Connie realized she should maybe just be getting through this as quickly as possible before Ronaldo himself started worshiping her or something.

“Hey!” she shouted. 

Ronaldo paused in his explanations of the subterranean compact (a treaty signed in the blood of their former leader, of course) and looked at her. 

She gestured to the still-mounted phone. “Should we finish the story first?”

She was half-expecting Ronaldo to look crestfallen but instead he nodded smartly. “You’re absolutely right,” he said seriously. “Theorizing of this scale can wait until after all of the key facts have been gathered.”

“Good,” Connie replied. “Okay. So, after all that the gems were still pretty freaked out about me being deaf. Jasper was still figuring out that I wasn’t my mother, Peridot has always acted like my mom, and Lapis - well, anyway. So that was when I found my mother’s Sanctuary. Well, not found, but it was the first time I went there. It was this big building with an emotion-calming aura and I found out later that my mother had emotional control powers so - no, no.” 

Ronaldo looked like he was about to put his fingers in his ears again and Connie waved him off. 

“Citrine’s Sanctuary was a big platform on the side of a mountain on an island. Corrupted gems were all over the place because they weren’t dangerous there. Normally it was really cold there even though I think it was in the Philippines, but when we got there, there was this big wave of heat and all the gems, even my family, went crazy… ”

    [Episode 18: Citrine’s Sanctuary]

“...so for awhile whenever I’d purge the Nightmare Monster I’d also have to go, like, unclog the drain at my mother’s statue afterwards,” Connie explained.

Ronaldo had resumed stroking his scraggly, bearded chin at some point and asked, “What happened if your emotional zeitgeist was brought into proximity of the Sanctuary?”

“I don’t know, we never tried it,” Connie said. Though it wasn’t a bad idea… but then again, maybe the whole place would’ve gotten unstable and fallen apart as the emotional-energy-whatever-it-was fed back into itself. Oh well. With the last scrap of Umbra sleeping in a bubble in the Burning Room and the Sanctuary in pieces, it wasn’t exactly relevant anymore.

“After that Steven started training to be my combat partner,” Connie said. “He stopped a magically-enraged Jasper from hurting me at the Sanctuary and I think that really impressed her. And it seemed like it was going well at first, but as it turns out Jasper was still really hung up on my mother…”

    [Episode 19 - Sworn to the Shield]

“...but the long and short of it is, Steven’s my partner, not a sidekick,” Connie finished out the explanation a little flushed but still defiant. 

Ronaldo nodded. “Be wary,” he said gravely. “By putting that responsibility onto him you could be foisting off your own destiny as well. Steven is a much more important player in this than I initially thought.”

Connie mused on this, briefly, considering how, yeah, since Steven had started training he’d been pretty much a constant part of things. Maybe a little too much, considering how he’d gotten abducted and also almost killed…

“Noted,” she said.

“After that we discovered we can -” she stopped, blushed, then blushed harder when she realized how she probably looked on camera. Her power sink flashed from orange to green, then to red “Um…”

Ronaldo scribbled something and then examined her from down his nose. “If you feel it’s too personal or not consequential we can move past it,” he said smoothly, but Connie shook her head.

“No, it’ll be important later.” Silently, she willed the redness in her features to recede.

“After the training stuff, Steven and I figured out we can fuse, like the gems can. Except back then, everyone’s experiences with fusion were…” - pretty much the most toxic thing I’ve ever personally seen- “bad. So it had a stigma. That and, um, it felt kind of like we were - nevermind.”

    [Episode 20 - Together Breakfast]

Feeling her blush rising again, Connie willed herself forward. “We can edit this before you post it, right?”

Ronaldo nodded, and Connie gave a little sigh of relief, the chorus of inner screaming that had arisen over the last minute quieting considerably. “Anyways, um, while we were figuring that out, it turns out Peridot and Lapis had also been-” dating “-fusing again, and then when the rest of us found out, there was another fight. This was on the Fourth of July last year. And everything got worked out later but it was pretty awkward, and -” She stopped, sighed again and acquiesced to Ronaldo’s inquisitive gaze. He looked almost like Steven did whenever he had questions piling up he couldn’t wait to ask. “I assume you have about a hundred questions about me and Steven fusing?”

Notes:

Part 2 will be available Sunday, September 18th.

Thank you to br42 for help in editing and stylizing things.

Chapter 80: Interview Interlude: Part 2

Chapter by br42, TheInvaderZim

Summary:

Now halfway through her recap without hardly stopping for breath, Connie is full-steam-ahead to an action-packed conclusion. But can her Ronaldo tolerances withstand repeated blasts of conspiratorial mishistory? Maybe.

–

One short, awkward discussion later, Ronaldo had once again returned to reorganize his conspiracy board. Connie saw both pictures of her and Steven on it, and they were already close together, but now were moved to overlap by a conjoining pin. She hated how persistent her blush was being despite her efforts to will it away.

Returning to his seat, Ronaldo gestured to Connie with his pen and she launched back into it.

“There’s a big moving island out on the Atlantic that’s either a really powerful corrupted gem or a bunch of them fused together. Steven and I went to visit it.” 

Ronaldo wrote frantically at this but didn’t interrupt, so Connie continued. 

“When we got back we found Pearl and Amethyst. They were getting some stuff together to build a spaceship home, and using pieces of the Red Eye - uh, that gem scout that Lapis crashed back when Steven moved into town - to do it. Which was a relief, because up until that point I still wasn’t sure what had happened to either of them. It was… nice to see Pearl.” Connie smiled, then frowned at the next memory. “And then Pyra - uh, the gem from the pyramid - started getting close to Beach City.”

    [Episode 21 - Lost and Found]

Ronaldo nodded along with the story, seemingly unsurprised. “The spectral footsteps of the Mel’dahir Gravitoid are well-documented across my blog.” He smiled smugly. “Perhaps the Conspiracy overplayed their hand, or perhaps you truly did thwart their game by releasing it early. Not even the highest levels of obfuscation could totally disguise damage of that magnitude. You were present, I take it, when the Atlanteans rose to combat it near the water tower?”

    [Episode 22 - Highs and Lows]

“Yeah,” Connie replied. “Although actually that was Malachite. She’s Lapis and Jasper’s fusion.” She then winced at the painful memory. “They weren’t good together for I guess a really long time.”

“As a member of the warrior clade, it’s likely that Jasper’s presence amplifies the spirits within Lapis Lazuli,” Ronaldo said sagely. “A dangerous, if volatile combination, as the Conspiracy learned that day.”

“After that I found out that Wolf had a pocket dimension,” Connie continued, ignoring Ronaldo’s conspiratorial musing. “Which was good, because it had Bismuth in it, and a book from my mo- my mother that Wolf hid.” 

Sensing disapproval over his unique connection, the Frybo-costume-clad Wolf out front briefly wilted… before bounding once again after the latest group of gulls to descend onto the boardwalk.

    [Episode 23 - Only Yesterday]

“Bismuth disagreed pretty fundamentally with my mother about how the war should’ve gone,” Connie said, thinking of the argument that had briefly sprung up - and how the smith had accidentally bruised her sides in the process. “We got through it but I don’t think anyone changed their mind. I still don’t know what to think. Steven thinks shattering is wrong, Citrine thought it was wrong but necessary, and Bismuth seems a little too eager to do it but…” Connie shrugged helplessly. “Who am I to judge?”

Ronaldo eyed her with a grim frown. “You are the judge,” he said. “Destiny lies upon your shoulders, Connie. You’re possibly the only one with the power to judge, and if you don’t, events will spiral out of control until the universe corrects itself. Maybe they already have.”

“That’s stupid,” Connie said flatly, then balked at her own harsh tone. “Sorry. I mean, that’s - silly. I don’t have the knowledge or the experience to make that judgment call.” Somewhere inside her, her inner Peridot was nodding in approval. “And even if I did, am I going to fight Bismuth over it? What if I agreed with Bismuth? Would I fight Steven? What if they’re both wrong and my mother was right?” 

“You’ve coupled Steven to your destiny without restraint,” Ronaldo countered. “Are you content to force him to make that choice in your stead?”

Connie, too, frowned grimly at that thought, but then again… If he made a choice, if he fought a battle… would that be easier? Then her inner Peridot pointed out that the question was a false dichotomy being framed by an internet fanatic who believed in Atlantean spirits and snake-people, which made the matter feel considerably less pressing. 

Ronaldo said something about pondering the choice on her own, then indicated that she should continue.

“Spent a couple of weeks just hanging out with everyone after that. Got to know Bismuth, spent some time with Pearl and Amethyst at the rocket, which, heh, they were building at Steven’s family barn,” Connie recounted.

    [Episode 24 - Gems-ology, the Collection]

“Steven turned fifteen and there was only a little argument at the party,” she continued.

    [Episode 25 - Steven’s Birthday]

“And then Amethyst and Pearl went home. Well, back to Homeworld, anyway.”

    [Episode 26 - Space Race]

“That was when the power went out in town, by the way,” Connie supplied. Ronaldo raised an eyebrow.

“How convenient. This was around the time that I began noticing the conflux of events that had transpired over the last year. The outage cost me a good deal of work and is the reason I now make use of more… permanent tools.” At this he gestured to the note-covered corkboard. “I’m interested in the sequence of Pearl finding parts for her interstellar craft - its timed completion indicates that her progress was charted precisely as expected, or perhaps…” he glanced at Connie shrewdly. “No matter. Please continue.”

“Pearl’s my friend, Ronaldo.” Connie said flatly. “Amethyst too. They’re not agents of the Conspiracy.” Connie paused, looking mildly queasy. Somehow she could tell she’d just said ‘conspiracy’ with a capital ‘C’ and she didn’t care for it one bit.

“A turncoat is a common element to any story,” Ronaldo countered. “Their departure is too convenient for destroying my progress and potentially delivering the Earth to the Conspiracy in one fell stroke. Though I can’t say for certain, I suspect that their allegiances may have been allowed to shift once they returned to the Conspiracy’s clutches.”

“Right.” Connie tried to keep her eyes from rolling and succeeded… mostly. “Anyway, after that, Steven and I went on a vacation with Lars and Sadie to a beach island and figured out that my gem sometimes spits up little shadow monsters for some reason.”

    [Episode 27 - Be Wherever You Aren’t]

Ronaldo did not seem at all surprised by this revelation.

“Then I spent a day with Priyanka and went to a Sour Cream performance with Steven.”

    [Episode 28 - Crossroads to Empire]

“And then I went to live with my dad for a while because things still sucked at home, and I found out that I could emotionally influence people when I accidentally mind-whammied Lars…”

    [Episode 29 - The New Lars]

“And then Bismuth was helping Peridot fortify the house while Steven and I figured out how that emotion stuff worked. And that was about the time Homeworld started poking around, apparently.”

    [Episode 30 - Colored Perception]

“That… wasn’t a good time.” Connie said. “Peridot was terrified of Homeworld invading and it was affecting the rest of us. I’m glad we found Bismuth when we did. I don’t know if Mom would’ve made it out as well as she did, if Bismuth hadn’t been there.”

“I find the fist-forger’s cheer off-putting,” Ronaldo stated. “Though she seems like a stout ally, a darkness lurks in her spirit, and I think it was there long before her betrayal and imprisonment.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Connie asked.

Ronaldo shrugged. “The clan of the fist-forgers was supplanted by the Peridontist Techno-Clade millenia ago. It’s natural for someone to hold resentment over something like that. Perhaps allying herself with your Peridot has disagreed with Bismuth’s spirit of freedom. Perhaps she’d rather be seeking vengeance for the wrongs inflicted upon her people.” Ronaldo, notepad in his lap and his fingers steepled beneath his chin, looked at her meaningfully for a second longer before offering a small shrug. “In any case, please - continue.”

Connie blinked, having to muscle aside her surprise to get back to the story she was recounting. “After Homeworld started poking around, things really got kicked into high gear. The gems were preoccupied with getting some defenses online. I wasn’t there but I heard the story - there was a ziggurat filled with corrupted pearls, which apparently look kind of like ostriches, by the way, and there were asteroid defense systems at the center of it. And while they were doing that, Steven, my dad and I found my mother’s old bunker way up in the mountains.”

    [Episode 31 - Knowledge and Power]

“Which mountains?” Ronaldo asked.

“The ones in Chile, I think,” supplied Connie. “The… Andes?” It had been some time since she’d studied geography beneath Peridot, and she doubted she’d be able to name all the free states of Eurasia - but having visited so many places did help with remembering names all the same.

When Ronaldo didn’t ask further questions, Connie continued. “We found some information about my mother’s war efforts and the book that I pulled out of Wolf and then lost - Turns out he’d brought it back there. Meanwhile, the gems found a recording of the corruption song at the ziggurat, which ended up being important later.”

“Corruption song?” Ronaldo prompted.

“Right - um, the animal-like gems that are all over the place used to be people-gems like Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper,” Connie explained. “Like I mentioned earlier, my mother led the rebellion against the invading gems a long time ago. She won, but the diamonds - which are the three rulers of Homeworld - screwed up all the gems left on the planet before they left themselves. My mother helped Jasper and Lapis survive it, as well as herself, though I’m not sure how exactly she did that last part…” Connie paused, trailing off in thought, before continuing, “But we didn’t know how to help the others except by poofing them and storing them away until we could fix them, someday, which - well, I guess we’ll get to that later.”

Ronaldo was frowning again, which Connie found odd. To her, this bit was one of the most interesting parts of the story - lots of answers, minimal emotional whiplash, and she hadn’t even gotten close to dying or anything.

“It’s a shame that the true history of our planet is so misremembered,” Ronaldo finally said. “Were I not a believer in the Truth, I would find your account of history compelling. And yet, I am - the curse I bear.” He paused dramatically. “I was hoping that the gems could shed light on the affairs of yesteryear, but alas, it would appear the Conspiracy has already gotten to them. Peridot, after all, wasn’t even present - and it’s likely that Lapis, Jasper and your mother were afflicted during what you’re calling the ‘corruption event.’ Truly, it is a pity.”

Connie scratched her head. “Ronaldo… no offense, but shouldn’t a firsthand, eyewitness account of what actually happened cause you to fix your theory to fit new data, not force you to change it to fit your theory?”

Ronaldo was looking at her like she’d just spoken to him in an alien language. “Theory? The Truth isn’t a theory, Connie - it’s my life’s work; the facts speak for themselves!”

Connie sighed internally. The fledgling scientist that Peridot had raised in her was wilting in exposure to this rampant ideology. “So is there any evidence that would convince you that you were wrong?”

Ronaldo nodded. “Of course! Were the Truth itself to manifest in some form - say, the paladins of the War of Atlantis - and were that account presented to me, if it were different from my own, I would update my beliefs immediately!”

“I… uhhhhh…” The mental gymnastics required to follow Ronaldo’s line of thinking were too severe - after a belly flop onto the mat, her brain had all but tapped out. “I don’t think that’s how theories are supposed to work…” she muttered - more to herself, than to him.

Ronaldo chuckled. “Ah, the naivety of the unenlightened. Connie, the Truth is about more than mere evidence. Truth is a feeling in your gut that you know is true. Truth is searching for anything that proves you're right no matter how small, and holding on to that, no matter what. I’m sure your Peridot would agree with me.”

Connie was quite sure Peridot would not , but was equally sure that arguing this point would accomplish nothing except extend a too-long interview. She was also now quite sure that Ronaldo was significantly crazier than anyone, save perhaps Peedee, had realized until now.

More than that, it worried Connie to imagine how Ronaldo would react if his worldview really genuinely challenged beyond refutation. The mental image that conjured was… messy. And while disabusing the man of his delusions was probably good for his long-term mental health, it was the sort of work best left to professionals. Like Dr. Brooks. And not teenagers who were only doing an interview as a favor to her friends.

“Historical discrepancies aside,” said the lunatic, “this account is proving interesting for other reasons. Shall we recommence?”

Making a mental note to mention Ronaldo to Dr. Brooks in the future, Connie pressed forward.

“After that, Peridot started working on the asteroid cannons with Lapis while Steven and I figured out who we were when we were fused together - our fusion’s name is Asmi, by the way.”

    [Episode 32 - Come Together]

“And the gems and Steven and I all talked about some of the stuff that happened, which was good,” Connie continued. “And then I got grounded when we showed the gems our fusion, which was less good.”

“Concerns about laying your destiny upon a mere human?” Ronaldo prompted.

“Um, more like -” Connie’s mind flashed through that extended argument, trying to find a way to put it in a way that was both succinct and not embarrassing. “-Prejudiced against something they didn’t totally understand.”

Ronaldo shrugged and scribbled something. “Perhaps that’s what they told you, anyway.”

“Right,” Connie replied amidst a twinge of annoyance. “Anyway, then Steven and I had an argument, and that was about the time I started seeing Dr. Brooks… and we figured out how to partially un-corrupt gems. Turns out the Universe family’s music experience was pretty relevant for that. I still don’t really get how it works but apparently if you play three versions of the corruption song inverted, one at a time, while I clean up all the corruption in the mind-scape thing I can do when I influence people, then they go back to normal for a bit. Later on we found out that we can fix it permanently by dunking the person in some heal-stuff that I’ll get to, but that wasn’t for… a while.”

    [Episode 33 - Notes from the Undergrounded]

Ronaldo didn’t give much pause or thought to this, which Connie found pretty impertinent - in a few short sentences she’d just delivered what, on a grand scale, would probably be one of the biggest discoveries of her life. It was only because the other contenders had threatened to destroy the Earth that the achievement didn’t sit at the top of the list, next to something like “cured cancer” or “created stable fusion power.”

“That was around the time you started helping out, actually,” Connie recalled a particularly dramatic entrance, of sorts, whereupon Ronaldo had in all likelihood spent several hours hiding in the Beach House bathroom, waiting for the most dramatic moment to announce himself while emerging. “You discovered that message that Amethyst, P2 - er, the Homeworld Peridot - and Rose sent to us.”

“Ah yes!” Ronaldo smiled fondly at the memory. “Merely the latest in a long line of contributions in my fight against the Conspiracy. You are, of course, welcome to the knowledge.” A beat. “And if there’s anyone else you know that might be interested in subscribing to my blog to help further my pursuits…?” the sentence trailed off, deliberately open.

“Then I had a normal birthday,” Disregarding this prod entirely, Connie continued. Across from her, Ronaldo deflated a bit in his seat. “Nothing happened.” This time she actually meant it.

    [Episode 34 - Connie’s Birthday]

She and Steven still had a date to meet the author of the Spirit Morph saga, actually - and with that event proceeding the release of Destiny’s End, the final book in the series, she was reserving her feelings on how that was going to go. She’d already decided to have a few choice words with the author, one way or the other - but whether those were admonishments or praise for the subtlety of storytelling, remained to be seen.

“And then Rose Quartz showed up.” Connie finally sighed. This was recent history, now - everything from here-on was within the last couple months. “That was the hand-ship invasion that you got on camera. Nice work with that, by the way.”

    [Episode 35 - The Return]

Ronaldo grinned widely.

“Rose Quartz was my mother’s sister,” Connie explained. “The two started the rebellion for Earth together. Except Rose didn’t believe in shattering, which is like, the gem version of killing someone. My mother decided that she’d need to shatter Pink Diamond, the ruler of the Earth colony, in order to get Homeworld to back off. And - well, I don’t know what happened exactly, but somehow Rose got caught up in Homeworld’s clutches. They… changed her, I guess, or she changed herself to fit in, or to contrast against Mother, or-” Connie sighed, shoulders slumping forward as she shook her head. “She was a mess of the scariest sort, however she got that way. When she came back to Earth I don’t think she was much like the gem my mother knew during the Rebellion. She was smart, cunning, and utterly ruthless. And she was definitely willing to shatter.” 

A brief pause filled the room. Watching the Crystal Gems slowly lose to Rose Quartz after she’d landed had been sickening, horrifying and brutal. It wasn’t a scene Connie liked to think about very often.

“We ended up in space. I fell from orbit, actually,” Connie recalled with a shiver. She’d been in dangerous situations more than once, but plummeting towards the ground at terminal velocity, the sand approaching faster than she could think - Even when you survived thanks to poorly-understood magical gem powers, that kind of thing stayed with you.

Ronaldo, unnoticed by Connie, mouthed ‘Fell from orbit?’ to himself wordlessly, writing something in his notepad and then underlining it twice in quick succession.

“So that was a fun conversation to explain to my dad…” she grumbled. “And when Rose came back, she brought a Peridot with her named, well, Peridot. Technically, Peridot Facet-2B2Y Cut-5XG, but- Actually, hold on; I need to complain about this. So, gems all have alpha-numeric designations, not real names. But they still respond to their gem type as a name, which seems like it’d get confusing as soon as there were two of them in the same room. And their gem type determines the kind of jobs they’re expected to be good at. So ‘Peridot’ would be like calling someone ‘Jason’ and ‘Delmarva’ and, um, ‘Plumber’ at the same time, and then they have a string of letters and numbers after that as, like, a last name when you need to be more specific.”

“That seems… needlessly confusing,” Ronaldo said.

“I emphatically agree,” Connie replied. “But until now we’ve only ever had one Peridot. And she’s Peridot . It’s her name; it belongs to her and not some green technician from space. So when another one showed up, we started calling her P2 for short.”

“That seems reductive…” Ronaldo stroked his scraggly beard. “What if you called Peedee ‘Ronaldo-2’, or called Steven ‘Connie-2’? It seems kind of insulting.”

Connie shrugged. “It was never meant to be a name-name for her. It was just something Steven and I used between ourselves to avoid confusion. But she heard about it later and actually really liked it. Something to do with it working because of her gem designation?” She trailed off.

“Anyway, Rose brought a couple of gems to Earth. P2, obviously, but also Pearl and Amethyst. They all escaped before the ship, um… ‘landed’ the second time, even if they were separated into two groups in the process.”

    [Episode 36: Aftershocks]

“A few days after the crash, when we were split between repairing my home-slash-Beach City and looking out for the invaders, we received a truce request from Rose. We met with her and Garnet at the Sanctuary - Garnet was the other gem fusion we met awhile back, the one that was guarding the gem-healing fountain - but Rose wanted Garnet to betray us for her and we wanted Garnet to work with us and I guess she kinda did neither…? She can see the future, so she looked for one where Rose surrendered peacefully because Rose winning didn’t work out well for reasons we’ll get to later. And kinda-sorta got us there, which is kind of weird to think about because of how hard it’d be to have free will if your actions can be predicted like that, and if the future changes because you know it’s being predicted and you know that it changes because of that it gets even weirder and…”

Connie stopped, caught her breath and gave up trying to parse the implications of a Sapphire’s future-powers. It was something of a comfort that they apparently only worked really well in Homeworld space, where life was so regular you could predict things easily, and yet more comforting that she herself apparently interfered with it significantly, for some reason.

Still, the idea that Sapphire could see Rose on the Beach, surrendering, months in advance…

Seeing that Ronaldo was watching her expectantly, she continued. “Well it turns out that P2 and Amethyst were going to the Prime Kindergarten to check on the Cluster,  which is the shattered remains of a lot of gems -casualties from both sides of the Rebellion- glued together and put down below the Earth’s crust by Homeworld before they left. And we only knew that because Steven went with Wolf to track down those two gems thanks to a picture you put on your blog talking about them.” At this she gave Ronaldo a rueful glare. “I know we would probably all be dead right now if you hadn’t done that, but Steven was still in a lot of danger because of it.”

    [Episode 37 - Injecting Some Fun]

“We all have our parts to play,” Ronaldo said cryptically, which Connie chose to interpret as ‘I am an idiot and didn’t know what I was doing’.

“Well, Steven ended up captured by them but tricked P2 into explaining her plans by being a mix of sneaky friendly and regular friendly with his captors. Essentially, he was peak Steven.”

“So he got her monologuing her evil plan?” Ronaldo asked.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Connie replied with a giggle. “Like I said - peak Steven.”

Returning to her second-hand account of events, she continued. “Then Wolf helped him escape and he told us all about the Cluster, after which…” Connie trailed off when she noticed Ronaldo’s mouth suddenly hanging agape.

Seconds passed, and Connie looked between the camera and her mute host with growing anxiety.

“Uh, Ronaldo. Did you-”

“THE HOWLANDER IS CAPABLE OF HUMAN SPEECH?!” exclaimed the scraggly Fryman.

“What? You mean Wolf?” Connie blinked. “No!”

“But you said he informed you about this Cluster after making good his and Steven’s escape!” insisted Ronaldo.

“I-” Connie shook her head in bemused disbelief before fixing Ronaldo with a deadpan stare. “Steven,” she explained. “Steven told us about the Cluster.”

Ronaldo idly reached up to adjust his foil-lined hat. “Oh,” he muttered, sounding vaguely disappointed.

“Yeah.” Another sigh from Connie. “Anyway, he, Steven, found out about the Cluster himself, then told us. And that, uh… well, that caused some problems. See if the Cluster had formed it would have been a horrifying giant monster ball that would have destroyed the Earth while emerging.”

“It didn’t, of course,” Ronaldo pointed out. “You stopped it from forming, just like you were supposed to.” He said this with all the normality of someone observing that, as there were no clouds in the sky, it would not immediately start raining.

“Yeah but it was close,” Connie said. “We almost didn’t get to it in time. We built a drill in the quarry outside town but just blowing it up wouldn’t have worked, and we still didn’t know where Rose was hiding, or where Amethyst and the other Peridot went after visiting the Kindergarten. Pearl did show up because I - oh, jeez, I forgot to mention that. Rose can possess people while she’s sleeping and she possessed several people around town over a span of days. We think her power was grabbing people at random, but with so few people in town, she got Steven by accident, I guess, so I, um, really did not like that.” 

A pause, as Connie shuddered her way through remembering the twin horrors of Steven’s life being in jeopardy, and then Connie tearing a gash through Rose’s mindscape to keep him safe.

“Because Steven got possessed, I hurt Rose using my powers, disabling her. Pearl came to visit on a truce, so that I would fix her mind. Rose’s, I mean. This was during Harvest Festival. And we used the time to ‘turn’ Pearl good. Well, she was already good, but she got to know the other gems, and Bismuth gave her a sword. She didn’t stick around, even though I really wanted her to, but it ended up being important later.”

    [Episode 38 - Reap What Was Sown]

“And then we drilled down to the Cluster,” Connie finished. She then looked at Ronaldo expectantly. “After that a bunch of things kind of happened at once. This is all pretty recent, too, so if you’ve got questions…” she spun a hand in wordless invitation.

Ronaldo finished taking his latest set of notes and then shook his head. “At this point I think it would be best if we waited until you finished.”

“Okay,” Connie said, then took a deep breath. The memories, compared to the distant past of 2-years-ago, were fresh and detailed. Which was good, because while it wasn’t quite as bad as that month, a lot had happened, really fast, and most of it was really important. “Okay. Please, uh, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.” She offered a lame smile, but Ronaldo only poised his pen expectantly.

“Alright. So the automated drill reached the Cluster, scanned it, and let us know it was about to form. Like really about to form. I think Peridot said it was 99.95% of the way there or something. It was only because it was a process that took thousands of years that 99.95% didn’t mean ‘forming in the next hour.’. That would’ve been bad. Reeeeally bad. But we weren’t sure what to do about it. But, um, Mom had a plan and vanished for a while. Didn’t tell us what she was up to at the time, but I think Garnet helped, actually. Somehow.” Connie paused, frowning. Mom had never shared how, exactly, she had disappeared after drilling to the Cluster and then returned with both P2 and Amethyst and new metal powers. She made a mental note to ask her about it, later.

    [Episode 39 - Shattered Dreams]

“Well, she came back with P2 and Amethyst, and also got some metal powers like Magneto, and they explained Mom’s plan. Uh, ok, so when my mother shattered Pink Diamond, she left some of the gem shards for the other diamonds to find but also kept some of them as a bargaining chip. Jasper had them in her room. And P2 was an expert on putting shattered gems back together, so they decided to put Pink Diamond back together as well as they could with what we had, then put her into the Cluster so that she could stop it from forming. It was… a long shot.” 

At the time, bereft of other options, Connie hadn’t questioned the logic much. But looking back on it, ‘reanimating the corpse of a dead tyrant that my mother killed in the hopes she’d have mercy’ was pretty near the bottom of the list for potential fixes. “We were… pretty desperate,” she added.

Ronaldo, though, seemed strangely unperturbed by all of this. “You performed as you were expected to,” he explained with all the clarity befitting his station. “The Conspiracy wouldn’t have allowed the Earth to be destroyed - it’s too important a piece in the galaxy, even without the Interspatial Compact.”

“Well it didn’t feel like that at the time,” Connie said, annoyed. “We were all about to die if we hadn’t done something.”

“But you did of course. Do something.” Ronaldo countered. “As was expected you would. How else would Peridot have formed such a daring plan and found the hitherto-unknown resources in such a short period of time?”

“Because Garnet - I - because we had no other choice?!” Connie exclaimed in disbelief.

“Mm. And yet you never stopped to think of the odds of such a plan emerging, let alone succeeding - a sudden miracle solution to an insurmountable problem.” Ronaldo leaned back in his chair and joined his fingers beneath his chin, then chose not to notice as his pen and paper slid off his knee and onto the floor. “Really Connie, you of all people should know that the world doesn’t work like that.”

“I - but -” Connie sputtered, then forced her lips closed into a tight grimace. Her power sink was shifting colors quickly, again - purple, then green, then yellow, then back to purple. She was being lectured about how the world worked by Ronaldo Fryman. She - Connie, the daughter of Citrine, world-traveled, the girl that had cured corruption and fought Rose Quartz and helped Lapis Lazuli conquer her emotional problems . Was being lectured on how the world worked. By Ronaldo. Fryman.

Her inner Peridot said something about Ronaldo technically being right and that was enough for the day. Connie stood up and glared at the smug face of her new greatest enemy before turning for the door, She approached it, grasped the handle, kicked its base, lightly slapped her forehead against the wall, then turned around and glared at him yet harder.

As if fueled by her ire, his smugness intensified. 

And… she sighed. She sighed for far, far longer this time than at any point previous, making sure her lungs were good and empty before refilling them. This far down the rabbit-hole, the motives behind her sitting with Ronaldo for this long had all but disappeared to her. But she was almost done. And besides, someone, at some point, had thought this would be a good idea, and she vaguely remembered caring about that someone for some reason. 

And I’m almost done… she groused mentally.

“It did work like that, Ronaldo.” she finally replied.

“Indeed,” said the infuriatingly self-important theorist in front of her. “A shame that the reasoning yet eludes you. Ah well - please, continue.” And then, as if completely ignoring how defiant he seemed to be of reality itself, he bent down to retrieve his pen and pad while Connie returned to her chair.

She sighed. Again. 

I’m almost done.

“Fine,” Connie finally replied, exasperated.

“Diamond shards.” She resumed in a flat tone. “When we got the bubbles which held the shards, some of them, um, escaped, locked us in Jasper’s room, and started messing with the room’s interior. And they showed us Pink Diamond’s story, kind-of. And once we got out of the room -”

“Just a moment please, Connie.” Ronaldo said. He was looking at her, his note-taking paused, and Connie nearly bit off her tongue in frustration. “Would you please share the Diamond’s story?”

    What? She mentally shouted. This, coming from the theorist that hadn’t even blinked when she was talking about curing corruption and seemed to think the entire Rebellion was a hallucination shared by her family. 

Making sure her voice was still even, she replied. “I guess I can but, why?”

At this, Ronaldo himself suddenly looked taken aback. “Isn’t it obvious? I presume the shards of the diamond were kept secured?” Connie nodded. “And the odds of their release on such a timely occasion were virtually nonexistent?” Again, Connie nodded… though only begrudgingly. That this had been the only time in her life the shards had been interacted with, well, ever , raised the odds significantly… and then Ronaldo’s foregone conclusion all but slapped her in the face.

“You think it was intentional.” Connie said, all but dead to the world. Who was it that had talked her into this, anyway, and why did she need him around, again? Something about ‘Destiny Partnership’? Maybe she could trade him in and get a new one, like a phone that was a year or two old.

Across from her, the nemesis of all logic and reason nodded in agreement.

Despite herself, Connie thought back to the event. The removal of a single shard from a bubble had started the story and allowed most of the others to get free… though Jasper had saved some of them.

That lent a bit of credibility to Ronaldo’s theory. A shred. A pittance. Hadn’t she thought something like that at the time? In any case, if she had, that certainly didn’t make Ronaldo right. In fact, Ronaldo had said it and was wrong , so therefore, she had not considered it to be right at the time. QED.

“Nope, must have been random,” Connie finally replied, because if Ronaldo could deny reality than so could she. 

Then she charged ahead. “Anyways, the room-visions were mostly about how she colonized the Earth. The other Diamonds treated her like a kid initially but she finally got her own colony. Her first colony, actually. She wanted to use it to solve some Homeworld problems, which made her design my mother and Rose Quartz. Well, their gem types, anyway. And then the rest of that was the history of the Rebellion. Her fighting the rebels, then the other Diamonds pushing her out and fighting the rebels for her when Jasper turned traitor… it didn’t have much of an ending. One of the bubbles didn’t pop.”

Ronaldo shrugged, but looked a little disappointed. “Oh well. We’ll have to just hope that nothing of importance was missed.”

“Yeah…” Connie contemplated, briefly, what might have been ‘missed’ while Ronaldo finished his notes and flipped to a new page but quickly decided that, as Ronaldo thought something was missing, then obviously nothing was. Her inner Peridot took issue with this for some reason and was put into time-out.

“Well, it worked,” Connie continued. “Somehow, P2 got the shards back together once we found them all, then we met Pink Diamond. She gave P2 a message about getting the Diamonds to, uh, do better, and then got integrated into the Cluster. And it seems like it worked; the Cluster is sort of managing itself so it doesn’t hurt the planet and the Earth hasn’t been destroyed yet.”

A final pause; at this point Connie was only a little behind the present. Her frustration with Ronaldo was fading as recent memories replaced it. “And then… Rose attacked.”

“Ah yes. Rose Quartz, your mother’s sister, loyal to the Conspiracy-controlled home planet of gemkind.” Ronaldo replied. “A surprisingly small footnote in the story so far, I might add. It was only after the Cluster was stabilized that she chose to reappear?”

“Yeah…” Connie said, expression dimming slightly. “But that was mostly because of how long it took her to recover from what I- Uh, from after I got her to stop possessing Steven.” Taking a consoling breath, Connie paused, as if considering a new thought. “Although, I think that was also Garnet, actually. Future-vision and stuff. She was the one who showed Peridot where to find P2 and Amethyst, I think, so must have known how things were going to go down.” Connie winced. “Mostly.”

Ronaldo nodded, watching her keenly. “I wonder if this ‘Garnet’ truly sees the future, or merely has a yet-greater understanding of the machinations of the Conspiracy than even I. I think I would like to have a conversation with her.”

“She’s… unavailable,” Connie summarized. 

After Rose surrendered, Garnet had evidently split. Warp logs showed that Sapphire and Ruby were spending some time apart. Far, far apart. Garnet had reappeared when Emerald had arrived, but as far as Connie was aware, their reunion had been short lived.

Ronaldo, though, just nodded. “Should she be made available, please inform her of my intent,” he requested.

“Well, it’s really more of a ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’ thing…” Connie mused before trailing off and letting the matter drop. The prospect of Garnet and Ronaldo sitting at the same table was either amusing or horrifying and she couldn’t decide which, but wasn’t inclined to find out.

There was also a grand finale to retell, after all.

    [Episode 40 - Out with the Old]

“Peridot and I had gone down to visit the Cluster and make sure things were going okay,” Connie remembered. “Uh, the Cluster, or, Terra, I guess, actually showed up this time. She explained that she was going to start mending some of the gems that were a part of her and sending them back up. So it was going okay.” She barely even paused, here - with how things had gone so far, she suspected such a world-shaking achievement as ‘discovering a way to bring back the shattered’ wasn’t even a 2/10 on the Ronaldo-meter. 

“When we got back, we found out that Rose had attacked the Sanctuary,” Connie continued. “By the time we got there, it had been destroyed and the island it was on was covered with enraged gem monsters. It was… hard.” 

Connie gave a sigh and forced herself not to think about the implications. With the Sanctuary gone, she no longer had a way to cure corrupted gems; not only that, but it had been a place of peace, and one of her few standing connections to the gem that lived in her chest. Of course, as part of the aforementioned avoidance program, none of this was thought about.

“Steven and I fused into Asmi and the whole group was busy containing the situation. We were doing okay, getting the people that lived on the island off of it, but then the nightmare monster showed up. I think it was going berserk because, with the Sanctuary destroyed, it wasn’t getting fed through poorly-understood gem magic anymore. And remember how people get all crazy when it shows up? Well, Lapis got hit and caused a little, uh, tsunami.” A beat. “Maybe a couple tsunamis. Jasper fused with her and used Malachite to drag the two of them out to sea. It saved the island from Lapis, which was good, but it also meant they weren’t around for what came next. See, after that , Peridot found out that Rose was back home at the temple. Because Jasper and Lapis were already gone and P2 and Bismuth were still evacuating civilians from the island, Peridot and Asmi went home to fight her.”

“It was intense.” Connie recalled. “It turns out Rose had been manipulating Pyra to work for her, somehow -” Ronaldo gave a sharp intake of breath - “and Mom managed to draw Pyra away, because gem bodies are able to adapt to intense gravity while organic life just gets crushed, but that left Asmi to solo Rose. Steven and I, um… well, we’re good, but we’re not that good.”

“We had a plan to fight her. It didn’t work. Well, it almost worked. But it didn’t, and Steven got stabbed. We both got stabbed, actually, and -” suddenly Connie found herself choking a bit. She could still feel the sword wound twinging in her side; she’d made a point of going insubstantial several times since then, but somehow it still hurt. “I saved Steven. Barely. And fused with Jasper.”

Ronaldo squinted at his notes, then looked at Connie questioningly. “But you said Jasper and Lapis were fused beneath the ocean, no doubt drawing on their proximity to the submerged Atlantean ruins for power and clarity. How then was Jasper in Beach City to assist you?”

“Huh? Oh. Right,” stammered Connie, pulled from her memories and the phantom pain in her side. “They got Lapis calmed down -I’m not sure how- while still fused as Malachite. Then, back at the island, they learned where Peridot and Asmi were and flew over; apparently Malachite can not only fly, but flies really quickly when she wants to. But they had to split up when they made it home because there were two different battles going on at once and… uh, everyone -Peridot, Steven, and me- needed help asap. Asmi came unfused when she got stabbed and Rose was freaking out about the literal blood on her hands so we had a second.”

The apron’d host nodded. “Ah, that explains it. Also, you fused with Jasper?” He held his notepad and pen a little higher. “What form did this new entity take? I want to ensure my bestiary is up-to-date.”

Ignoring the hint that she was being cataloged like something in a Lutes and Loot monster manual, Connie couldn’t help but smile at the memory; the recollection of her and Jasper together as Sunset Aura Quartz was like a warm and comforting blanket. “We make this super amazing centaur warrior named Sunset Aura Quartz. She can inspire bravery in her allies, strike fear in her enemies  and fights with this huge two-handed sword and - uh…” realizing that she was still on camera, the fusion’s human half quelled once again. “Anyway, uh, while that was going on, Lapis helped Peridot beat Pyra. I don’t know if they fused into Hiddenite during or after that fight, but either way, it was Hiddenite who joined us a little later. Also, Steven was fighting too, kind of like a knight and squire all in one while riding on Sunset Aura Quartz’ back.” 

Despite herself, Connie grinned. She couldn’t help it. Her Destiny Partner riding into battle atop a Centaur of Justice made of her and Jasper was just the type of thing that made a person grin. “It was really cool,” she added.

Then her smile faded. “We were about to win when Rose fused with Pearl. It, uh… wasn’t pretty.” The so-called Rainbow Quartz horror still sprang easily to Connie’s mind and she felt a twinge of sympathy towards Pearl. “We still beat her, but it was harsh. And close. Unfused from Pearl, it looked like Rose had lost. And she surrendered like Garnet wanted, kind of, but it wasn’t… Garnet showed up from somewhere, Bismuth and P2 showed up from the island right at the end of the fight, and P2 shared what we’d done with Rose and the Cluster.”

Connie tried to keep the memory clinical but it was difficult. Resignation mixed with pain in her voice. “P2 got too close to Rose. Rose shattered her when she did. We couldn’t stop it. Not even Garnet saw it coming.”

Ronaldo gasped again. He had forgotten his notepad entirely at this point, and was on the edge of his seat as the story concluded. “We got her in the end but…” Connie sighed. “Peridot made sure we got P2 integrated into the Cluster. And the Cluster promised to start sending back mended gems, someday. Hopefully, P2 is one of them. But…” Connie shrugged helplessly. “Who knows. We’re still not sure what to do about Rose. Bismuth wants to shatter her. Steven wants to reform her, somehow. I - I think everyone’s looking at me for help but I don’t know what I want to do yet. She might be important later, but after all the horrible stuff she’s done… I mean she shattered P2 and almost killed Steven! Twice! And that’s just counting the times she tried it directly! Uph…”

With a sound of dismay and indecision, Connie faded to silence, and a minute later added, “We held a wake for P2, but she’d had a message setup to go out if she was ever unable to complete her mission, which was why a broadcast was sent to the Diamonds. Emerald showed up with an entire fleet of warships a few days later, but got chased off by Terra appearing for the first time. Bismuth stole her ship and I kind of wonder how long before she leaves Earth, but she’s still here for now, helping us rebuild. That was the day before yesterday. So… yeah. All caught up.”

“Wow,” breathed Ronaldo.

Connie could only give a tired nod in agreement.

“So many details, so many new insights to be gleaned about the Conspiracies deeper machinations,” he said with growing excitement. Putting the pen and notepad into his apron pocket, Ronaldo rose to his feet, the swivel chair being pushed back and rolling idly across the store room until it bonked gently against a sack of potatoes. Offering a hand to Connie, he said, “I certainly appreciate you agreeing to this interview.”

Connie considered the hand for a second -and she really considered it- before extending her own and accepting the help up. “You’re welcome, Ronaldo. Though, really, you should be thanking Peedee. And Steven. They were the ones who suggested the whole thing to me.” Ronaldo bustled past in the direction of the camera. Meanwhile, without consciously thinking about it, Connie’s hand went to first the base of her throat and then to her pockets to ensure her necklace, wallet, and phone were all where she expected them to be.

She was midway through stretching her legs when she paused, expecting some response from Ronaldo and getting none. He was over by the phone stand, his back to her. “Ronaldo?” she asked.

The scruffy man turned and flashed her a weak smile. “It would seem that, early into the interview, the battery in my phone-”

Outside, the Frybo-clad Wolf stopped suddenly mid-lope, to the surprise of several seagulls and pedestrians. The hound pivoted around to look directly at where the store room was in the building. Just as he was about to pad that way, the frustration coming over his bond gave him pause. Licking his chops in thought, Wolf retreated a step and then turned, resuming his chase of the gulls and glad he wasn’t the one in trouble.

–

“We’ll be okay!” Ronaldo assured a very stormy Connie. Almost all the footage had been lost - he’d only managed to record up to around when she’d first met Wolf.

The worst part was, Connie wasn’t even sure why she was mad - she hadn’t even really wanted to record the interview in the first place! But mad she was, and while her power sink flashed through various shades, she ground her teeth and forced herself to turn away.

“Really!” continued Ronaldo. “After the power outage I recognized my overreliance on technology. That’s why I took notes!” At this he waved his notepad at her, the pen flying off of it and disappearing among the potato sacks. “The Truth will survive - and we won’t even need to re-record the interview if you don’t want to!”

Connie turned, walked up to the Fryman, pointed a warning finger at him, couldn’t find anything to say and then turned away again. And then she sighed for what she hoped , sincerely, would be the final time.

And then the reason she had actually been here rolled back in like the tide. Ronaldo continued rambling as he began making adjustments to his Conspiracy board, which Connie ignored, deep in thought.

Steven had wanted her to try and get through to Ronaldo. And Peedee… well, she wasn’t exactly sure what Peedee was hoping this would accomplish, at this point, but she still owed it to her friends to try. And so, with a titanic effort to squash her frustrations, she turned around to her poorly-groomed interviewer once again.

“Ronaldo?” she asked. The fryman looked up from his notepad, noticed a stray bit of tin-foil hanging in front of his eyes and quickly tucked it back up onto the brow of his fedora.

“Yes, Connie?”

“Um… well, there’s something I want to say.” Connie paused and took a deep breath, thinking of all the stuff she’d done since meeting Steven. She’d cured corruption! She’d helped Lapis and Jasper get past their problems! She’d faced down two thirds of Pink Diamond! Who was Ronaldo Fryman to be a frightening social encounter to her, anyway?

“Well, first, I wanted to say thanks for, um, giving me some stuff to think about,” Connie started. And that was, surprisingly, true. Nothing world-shattering had transpired during her conversation (which, if she was being honest with herself, was somehow still a relief despite being expected) but even amidst all the frustration, she’d still be walking away with a few new puzzle pieces clicking into place.

“You’re very welcome, Connie. My door is always open if you’d like to do so further. I would welcome it in fact. But, uh, metaphorically open you understand. Allowing you into my sanctum will require some extensive decontamination procedures after you leave.”

“Wait, so no one’s allowed in here? How do your dad and brother get to the potatoes?” Connie asked, gesturing to the sacks in the corner.

“I remove them myself, obviously.” Ronaldo cocked an eyebrow. “Now if that’s all, while I thank you for your time, I need to compile these notes before the afternoon snack rush.”

A whirlwind of ideas stormed through Connie’s head. She glanced at Ronaldo’s conspiracy board and it was as if she could see his entire life laid out before her, somehow - the insane theories leading to, as Peedee had put it, something dramatic. The lifetime of fear, distrust, the spiraling beyond all help or recognition or return, if she didn’t act now.

Of course, telling him he was wrong was right-out. Even her inner Steven agreed with that. Even if she managed to convince him, who knew what that would do? Internet-driven tendencies towards conspiracy were one thing - but this was a way of life that Ronaldo had built, and if she removed that, what would be left? He’d end up in a padded room just as surely as he eventually would if she did nothing.

And that left subterfuge. The path ahead was clear.

“Ronaldo, I need your help,” Connie finally said, and the wild-haired fryman paused from his thumb-tacking to look back at her. “This thing, this - this Conspiracy,” she tried her best to capitalize it just the way he somehow did, “is too big for any one person, but we all have our part to play. We have Garnet for taking care of the big stuff and steering the ship. Steven and I and the gems are out there making sure Homeworld doesn’t start recolonizing Earth. But you found Amethyst before any of us when you still thought she was the Violet Voleur. You helped Steven find Amethyst and P2 when they were roaming around Earth. And you should keep helping Peridot track down corrupted gems and old gem ruins.”

Ronaldo once again stroked his unfortunate substitute for a beard. “Yes, I will admit I did find the coordination of truth-seekers and visitation of worldly sites fulfilling. But that matter was discontinued a short while ago. I believe the transportation matrix used to enable it -”

“Oh, we’ll get that fixed soon,” Connie said confidently, in the first bold-faced lie she’d told since entering the room. Rose had quite thoroughly destroyed the temple’s warp pad, and in fact Connie had no idea when, or if, it would ever be restored. “But in the meantime… you’ve got your phone and your laptop! You’ve got the mind to go places yourself! You’re - you’re Ronaldo Fryman! When the Conspiracy knocked out an entire town’s power to stop you, that barely slowed you down! You’ve witnessed not one but two interstellar invasions! You’ve almost mastered the Conspiracy by yourself in a fry shop storeroom! Who needs a warp pad?”

Laying it on a little thick here, don’t you think? Connie’s inner critic snarked, but was quick to apologize - Ronaldo’s eyes were watering, and he allowed a single pseudo-manly tear to run down his cheek. He stood up, approached Connie for a hug (which she quickly and awkwardly denied), then extended a hand instead.

“You’re… you’re right.” Ronaldo mopped his face. “This is bigger than just me. Bigger than all of us. But - but am I going to spend my life stealing Fish Stew Pizza’s wifi, trying to combat the forces of the Conspiracy from a fry shop store room? I could…” he paused for what he surely believed was dramatic effect. “I could be so much more.”

“Yeah…!” Connie said, then flushed a bit. Okay, now that was completely disingenuous, thought Inner Critic.

“Thank you, Connie.” Ronaldo said.

( Oh come on! Connie gave a disbelieving smile as she mentally locked away her critic for the rest of the day.)

“And also, there’s this woman named Dr. Brooks. Your brother and I both find her really helpful in, um, organizing our thoughts,” she said, improvising on the fly. “You should consider talking with her too. Really consider it.” Connie wasn’t able to keep the false-chipper inflection in her voice any longer, her words almost pleading as she said, “Really, really consider it.”

 “I think… I think I needed to hear that”, said Ronaldo.

Connie’s mouth hung open in utter surprise. “Really?”

“The call to greater action, I mean.” Ronaldo gave a dismissive wave as he said, “I have better ways to organize my thoughts than seeking the services of this doctor of yours,” ending with a gesture toward his conspiracy board.

Connie visibly deflated, her inner critic heckling her while rattling the bars of her cell.

“Go, now. Continue on your own quest. And someday soon, the world will know the name… Ronaldo, Fryman.” Ronaldo raised his hands, as if imagining his name up in lights, somehow. And then his gaze fell back to Earth. “But I actually do need to start my shift.”

“Oh, right.” Connie nodded, and finally exited the stuffy closet. After spending so long inside, the greasy-but-circulating air of the fry shop felt amazing.

She gave Peedee a wave as she left the shop. She was about to apologize for a swing and a miss on her part when Peedee went wide-eyed as they heard Ronaldo request more hours from his dad in the kitchen behind him.

Connie decided to take what she could get and left the shop quickly after that. And, despite it all, she was feeling better. It had been cathartic, she guessed, talking through all that, recording issues or not. She paused to give the costume-clad Wolf a scratch on the noggin, smiling and already planning out the rest of her day.

Fine, said Inner Critic from somewhere in the brig. But you’re getting partial credit at best .

Notes:

Don't do yourself a disservice, Connie - the right word in the right place can make all the difference.

Set your calendar - Connieswap resumes on Friday, September 23rd with it's first chapter and a letter from myself, it's newest author.

As with last week, thanks to br42 for help in editing and stylizing.

See you all on Friday!

Chapter 81: The Birth of Robonoid

Chapter by TheInvaderZim

Summary:

Peridot longs for the days of competent tech - and with a few abortive attempts in the previous century as the exception, she's been without it for far too long. Fortunately, Earthly material sciences have advanced, since then - a new generation of robonoid awaits! This omake is 100% canon.

Notes:

One of the first chapters of A New Era has the robonoids in prime focus, but it occurred to me that many of them were still a little ambiguous in a few ways. To this end, I thought it would be fun to write a short omake about their formation and purpose, to give a bit of background on how they look and act as individual units. It's also helped me stop getting them tangled up, which is only a good thing.
So without further ado, here’s The Birth of Robonoid. Not my best work, but it’s more memorable than just giving a generic list.
Note: Emmet (the robonoid at Citrine’s archive) is not included, but likely would have been built just after Gort.

Peridot hummed as she tinkered in her temple room, smoothing down the human-manufactured “duct tape” that she’d recently applied to her limb enhancers. Although not a particularly elegant solution, it was robust enough to last through combat and keep her limbs functional for months or even years at a time and the green coloration was even a sensible compliment to her enhancers’ slightly paler tone! The human woman responsible for its invention had, per a quick flight via Lapis, received an earnest thanks and accompanying gift basket of human essentials. The manufacturing of suitable adhesives had previously been a near-monthly endeavor, hamstrung by lack of manufacturing equipment and poorly suited chemical compounds, and she was confident the improvement would save her days of maintenance time over the coming decades.

(Author’s note: duct tape was invented for military use by a mom in the 1940s. It was originally green rather than gray.)

Unfortunately, although the tape had solved an ever-looming crisis of her limb-enhancer degradation, there was simply no avoiding the truth that Earth technology, even on the cusp of basic computation, was still woefully inadequate for even the simplest of her tasks.

And at no point was this more obvious than when Peridot found herself rummaging through supplies for the nth time of the hour, various piles of discarded material housing scrap componentry but left both unorganized and unoptimized for someone of her stature - such matters having been entirely taken care of by automated servantry in homeworld space.

“Grrraaaah!” She shouted. One such pile teetered and then fell from its precarious mountain-shape, the ensuing landslide burying her to above her gravity connectors in scrap componentry. “I would give two fingers for adequate storage and maintenance drones…” she muttered angrily at the pile, kicking out and sending rogue components scattering.

Then a thought struck. It had been decades since her last attempt at an ersatz robonoid, but in the spanning time, Earth manufacturing and alloying technology had improved immensely - and with it, her knowledge of material construction.

A wide grin spread across her face, and an eager giggle escaped her mouth. Sending her floating fingers to retrieve a few spare bits of steel, copper, magnetic items and other era-0 components necessary, she bent back over her workbench and began work.

–

Two days passed. If the others had cared to look, they would have found Peridot hunched over her workbench for the entirety of that period, constructing a metal chassis and the delicate inner circuitry required to create artificial life. A charging station was constructed soon after, and a basic, likely well-out-of-date intelligence subroutine from her limb enhancer memory banks was uploaded to the model. Then, Peridot watched in anticipation as the charging sequence began and completed and the little machine sputtered to life.

The robonoid awoke, and initial AI routines dictated that it survey the areas surrounding itself for tasks. It did so, swiveling on its awkward and unbalanced magnetically-aligned legs and looking about with a single, crude robotic eye.

“YES!” Peridot nearly screamed. Her first attempt in decades, and a complete success! “Stand in awe of my technological superiority!”

The robonoid detected a command, and froze in place to survey the gem before it. Peridot’s limb enhancer flashed, a message link established. “Maker?” The robonoid asked.

Then, in a burst of sparks, one of its legs failed and it rolled to the side before depowering with a puff of smoke.

Peridot’s grin faded, but only a little bit.

–

“Log date, 7-422-1. Initial results regarding construction of a new generation of ersatz robonoids have been mostly successful. With runtime errors stemming from magnetic propulsion systems rectified, I thought it would be best to record my efforts for posterity.”

Peridot angled the image-capturer of her limb enhancer to capture her workbench, which was scattered with scrap and featured a charging ersatz robonoid in the center of it. The robonoid wasn’t pretty - its chassis had been disassembled and rewelded multiple times, and spare insulation and wiring was bunched out in odd places. Had Peridot’s supervisor seen it, she would never have approved.

But it had been several centuries since Peridot had seen Homeworld space, and on Earth, irregularity was often considered beautiful. If that were the case, the robonoid on the desk would have to be by all accounts considered a breathtaking visage.

“Powering in 3… 2… 1…” Peridot counted down, and with a brief issuance of sparks, the ersatz robonoid once again came to life.

Peridot let out a tiny squeal of glee as it left its charging stand and once again looked around, surveying its environment according to directive. It’d been so long since she’d had any kind of proper tech!

“Initial power attempts successful - now directing it to return to the charging station for diagnostics…” Peridot hummed and began to tap into her terminal, the log recording the interactions as she did.

Just before the command was issued, the bot looked up at her with its single eye. “Maker?” It asked digitally, and Peridot nodded.

“Correct,” she acknowledged.

“Designation?” The bot asked.

Peridot thought for a moment, then eyed the duct tape on her limb enhancers. The woman who’d invented it had been using it for household applications prior to its patent and production. When Peridot had visited the (charming, if rather rustic) domicile, she’d encountered a young boy who had reportedly been the offspring of the inventor.

“Johnny.” Peridot finally said aloud, entering the name into her terminal as confirmation. The robot booped as it received this designation, then returned to the charging stand and shut down.

Peridot smiled at the successful experiment, and prepared to close the log - before the charging procedure began and an errant spark caught on some loose insulation. The robonoid caught fire a moment later and Peridot sighed in annoyance before scrambling to find her supply of fire retardant.

–

“Log date, 7-422-1-2. Having adjusted for the errant fire hazard, I am now attempting to restore Johnny to functionality. Charging is complete, powering up in 3, 2, 1…”

The scorched robonoid lumbered off of its charge pad and looked around, gave a boop of acknowledgement to Peridot, then promptly fell over and rolled off the desk. Peridot winced as it hit the floor, and upon returning it to the desk found that the metal casing had split open along a seam from the impact, like an egg.

“Well, failure is the greatest teacher after all…” Peridot muttered and terminated the log.

–

“Log date, 7-422-1-3. Johnny has been restored to functionality once again. Note that hollow metal casing requires internal supports, a terribly obvious observation in hindsight. Attempting to power up, 3-2-1, aaand -”

Johnny once again sprung to life, a hammered-out dent visible in its scorched side. It attempted to take a step before its front leg detached. Peridot reached too slowly - the other legs went next, though fortunately Peridot managed to catch the bot in time before it made it off the desk. She sighed and terminated the log once again.

–

“Log date, 7-422-1-6. With the errant insulation trimmed, casing restored, magnetic actuators re-tuned, internal wiring re-soldered, AI subroutines reencoded and optical sensor repaired, I’m at a loss as to what else could fail. Now attempting to power on -”

The bot didn’t even move, the charging port instead giving a high-pitched whine. Peridot had the presence of mind to grab the bot and dive away from the table before it gave off a cascade of sparks and fell apart at the seams. Peridot groaned in frustration.

–

“Log date, 7-422-1-15. It would seem that Johnny may not be destined for this world, as three solar rotations have now elapsed since initial construction and I have replaced all components multiple times. Only bolts and screws remain of the original design, making me question both my own sanity and whether or not this robonoid can even be called “Johnny” anymore. Powering on in 3… 2… 1…”

Peridot gave a resigned sigh and looked away, sure that something else was doomed to failure. It was to her surprise that Johnny stepped out of the refurbished charging terminal and gave a boop of acknowledgement, relayed self-diagnostics, and then even began a queued task that Peridot had prepared 5 iterations ago!

Peridot’s eyebrows were high enough to each above her visor. “Well, that was certainly… unexpected. But not unwelcome! Appended notes for later production models attached. With this data, I should be able to produce more robonoids post-haste. Closing log.”

Just before she shut the log off, Johnny ran itself into something on the floor behind her and gave a feeble boop as a domino effect ensued, Peridot letting out a strangled “nyaaa-” before the recording cut out.

–

“Log date, 8-422-6. With Johnny’s condition stable, finally ,” at this, she spared a glance at the robonoid cleaning the floor behind her, ”I have used his design specifications for a second robonoid.” a tired-looking but pleased Peridot appeared in her log's image capture apparatus. Beneath her feet, Johnny was tuttering around on the floor in a cleaning effort, tiny paw-like limbs working tirelessly to return things to an orderly state. With so many components replaced he wasn’t much more than a mishmash of spare plating on the outside, welded together haphazardly as sections were cut away and replaced for maintenance. Its single stem-mounted eye focused diligently on its work, however.

“With the benefit of hindsight, I’m expecting this design to be much more… stable.” Peridot looked down at the robonoid slightly disparagingly as it paused to twitch and shudder unnaturally before returning to work.

Angling her camera slightly, she revealed her new creation, a green rectangular box roughly the same size as Johnny. More magnetically-aligned feet were set into its chassis, at such an angle that the box appeared to have a head and a tail, and its pair of optical sensors were angled on either side of its front to seem friendlier than the glaring gaze of its counterpart.

“Attempting startup sequence.” Peridot issued the command, and the charging terminal (also marginally improved since the prior recording) whirred to life and dinged.

The robonoid stepped out and chirped, surveying the area quickly before staring at Peridot and awaiting its first command.

“I have also made minor modifications to its AI, allowing it a simulated sense of priority and enjoyment for completing tasks,” Peridot continued, pleased with herself. “My hope is that this will encourage it to find a higher degree of task-effectiveness when given a direct order.”

“Maker,” the bot printed to the terminal, “designation?”

Peridot smiled at it, an old human legend coming to mind. “Galatea.”

–

A few errant logs followed. One featured the bot playing fetch with one of Peridot’s floating fingers. Another had it chirping incessantly and hopping around her hands as she attempted to grant it a new directive. A third saw it aggressively begin organizing the same refuse as Johnny, the former bot simply giving a resigned bleep and moving to a different area.

In all of them, Peridot was smiling.

–

“Log date, 1-423-15. Although my workflow has been expedited greatly thanks to the efforts of Galatea and Johnny, I am in need of an assistant for research purposes regarding Earth compounds and neither Lapis, Jasper nor Citrine seemed interested or particularly well-suited to the role. To that end…”

Peridot shifted the log screen so that it revealed a little tarp covering the charge port, which was pulled back to reveal… a dark purple bowling ball. Like the other robonoids, it had little magnetically aligned feet installed at the base. Unlike the others, traditional optics had been forsaken for a scanning apparatus.

“The need for assistance in potentially harsh survey conditions necessitated a tougher chassis,” Peridot rambled to herself, “and let the log record show that this robonoid’s Earthly design was not due to a practical application of extra meep-morp supplies. Yes, that should cover it…”

She paused her muttering to power up the bot, which, like the others before it, analyzed its surroundings and gave a lower-toned chirp of awareness. Then, it began to analyze its surroundings again.

“I’ve stripped down its personality subroutines to avoid any mishaps,” Peridot added to the log. “Galatea has shown that even the best of intentions can lead to poor results if simulated emotion is involved.”

The bot beeped stoically and began a third scan of its surroundings. Peridot thought for a moment. “In honor of the visor’s resemblance to a recent human motion picture, I have named it Gort.”

Gort beeped again.

–

“Log date 1-423-27. Specialization in the robonoids has proven… troubling for non-specialized tasks. The easing of menial tasks is hardly unwelcome but could be achieved more optimally.”

Peridot angled the camera down into the workshop. Galatea was enthusiastically piling scraps onto each other randomly before disassembling the piles and starting again. Gort was analyzing each piece of debris before, during, and after moving it. Johnny, now absent its original monocular in favor of a pair, was studiously organizing a pile by material and size, before it seized up, completed three circles around the pile, and then continued work.

“To that end…” Peridot revealed another chassis, painted a mottled gray-green. The robonoid had eye-stalks similar to Johnny, and its feet were wider, the front pair able to scoop as well as pinch.

“I have christened my third endeavor Wally, and specialized it for maintenance. These robonoids are hardly taking any time at all to assemble, now!”

Wally activated, gave a whirring beep, then its eyes narrowed and it zeroed in on Galatea as the overenthusiastic bot knocked over another pile to reorganize. Wally gave a warning hum that went unheeded, and then made a beeline. Galatea was bowled to the side and Wally began to organize at a breakneck pace, before charging into Galatea again when it knocked over a different pile in excitement.

“Hmm…” Peridot watched the melee unfold and angled her camera to do the same. “Perhaps I need to reduce their motivational subroutines…”

–

“Log date, 2-423-12. Another pair of bots complete. I’ve designed these two to work in tandem at assigned tasks, able to provide actionable feedback to one another and reducing need for my oversight!” Peridot preened a bit at her own ingenuity, unveiling a pair of round metal chassis, one white and the other red. They started up, provided diagnostics, accepted their designations (Will and Robinson, respectively), and Peridot issued a simple directive: properly sort and shelve the tools she’d used for their construction.

The command was received, both bots beeping and rushing to task before Will bumped Robinson out of the way. The task was completed quickly and efficiently, the white bot giving a boop of satisfaction - then a minor shriek of alarm as Robinson undid the work and re-concluded it, improving the time. Will didn’t take this lightly - once again the tools were retrieved, and once again stored.

Peridot sighed. “I really should spend less time tampering with their personality matrices…” she muttered before the log was terminated.

–

“Peridot, log - whatever…” A new day and a new log, Peridot appeared on the screen looking visibly weary once again. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

She angled her camera to film a workshop more in disarray than ever before. Will and Robinson were alternating takes on “organizing” a cabinet, each organizational method more obtuse than the last. Gort was scanning the procedure and presumably providing feedback. Galatea and Wally were fighting in a different corner, or rather, Wally was doing its best to stop Galatea from further wrecking anything in its exuberance, and failing. Johnny was on Peridot’s desk and partially disassembled, a new wave of componentry sitting nearby.

“In retrospect, designing a prime unit for this collection seems obvious,” Peridot said, while angling the camera back towards her. “Unfortunately, this ensemble has made such efforts nearly impossible. Still, I cannot deny that the result is pleasing.”

She unveiled another robonoid at that, this one’s casing dark black with a single red eye set in its center. A small bowler hat sat on its head, adding to a look of menacing authority. It chirped to life immediately, gave a scan of the surroundings, accepted its designation (Doris, after a particularly strict purveyor of confections that Lapis often matched wills against), and gave a warning trill that echoed long and loud over the shop floor.

The robonoids gradually ceased their tasks, individual personalities and motivations being overwritten by the majesty of command-level authority, and assembled for reassignment. Peridot looked down at them, then back at her camera. “I’m sure something will go wrong…” she said wearily.

–

The log flicked on, but this time it was Lapis that was the focus, rather than Peridot. She was holding a pile of scrap that looked like it had once been a toaster. “- I laughed, Citrine laughed, Toasty laughed, Jasper punched Toasty, it was a good time.” Lapis finished, and Peridot pinched the bridge of her nose.

–

“Peridot, log 1-469-17.” Peridot muttered. She looked tired, wan, drained, and made a point of speaking and moving delicately. “I need help. With recent developments regarding Citrine, I’ve become overtasked with the newborn Connie and my compatriots are… indisposed.” At this she muttered something unfriendly-sounding under her breath before continuing.

“I can’t deny that this strain has taken a toll on my mental well-being, but I believe I’ve managed to successfully create assistance for this matter.”

At that she panned to a pair of two more activated robonoids. One was white with a red stripe on the side, but the other looked nothing like anything else - its single eye was centered in a yellow chassis that was rectangular but tapered slightly, and a single wheel was mounted in place of its normal feet. A pair of hands extended out the side.

First, Peridot focused on the more traditional bot. “This is Daneel, named for a character within recent human lore. Human theories on robotics dictate three unsurpassable laws regarding the safety of organics, and as Daneel will be a primary caretaker of Connie, I’ve implemented them here as well.”

“And this is Claptrap. Connie will need a friend, and the selection of children’s toys brought to me by Lapis served as an excellent inspiration. It also adheres to these laws, and will be her assistant and companion.”

At this Peridot paused, looking at something offscreen before walking over to it. A cradle was revealed, a tiny sleeping form resting within. A new directive was issued, and Daneel’s first action was to approach its curved legs and begin rocking, just enough to soothe without waking.

Peridot gave a relieved smile. “And with this, I believe I will conclude my foray into ersatz robotics. At the rate of human advancement I should expect to see adequate assistance technology within another four to six decades at most. Peridot, out.”

Chapter 82: Deleted Scenes - ANE E4Ch2: Free Donut Day

Chapter by TheInvaderZim

Notes:

Hey guys! Connie's visit to the Big Donut was an unexpected joy of the chapter, but it also pushed it way over wordcount, so now it’s over here in deleted scenes. Enjoy. This Omake is 100% canon.

Peridot had reformed, and despite everything, Connie was looking forward to having her own bed again at some point in the near future. And in returning to school. Plus, there was today’s adventure to look forward to, which promised a minimal amount of Diamonds and/or far-ranging negative consequences and/or emotional whiplash.

Having long since decided that she was very tired of all three of those things, Connie was particularly excited about that last bit. And so before long, she found herself dressed with her adventure bag on her back, walking through town just as the late-February sunrise was beginning to crest the horizon.

“Connie!” called a familiar-yet-unfamiliar voice on her walk. She was just passing the Big Donut and paused in time to see Lars outside it, looking decidedly un-Lars-ly. He was smiling at her, for one thing, which was by itself strange enough to make her wonder if he’d finally snapped entirely.

He’d let down his hair a bit since the last time she’d seen him, going from a mohawk to keeping only half his head shaved, and allowing his hair to droop down over the other side. His work uniform looked like it had actually been washed recently, which was its own kind of marvel from someone who seemed to resent his own existence.

Connie approached when he waved her over to the front of the donut store, albeit somewhat reluctantly. Something was off. She had never known Lars to have a good day, nevermind a good… whatever-this-was. Except for his ear gauges, he was barely recognizable.

“Lars,” she said, then paused and searched for a followup remark. “You’re… up early.” Which was true, considering the Boardwalk had only been bathed in the sunrise about one minute prior.

“Free donut day,” Lars said simply and breezily, and gestured to the sign in the window advertising as such before twirling the keys in the front door. It was a minor act of will for Connie not to go insubstantial and check out his mindscape, just in case. This was anomalous. Lars didn’t do cheerful. Possibilities ranged from unexpected possession by Rose Quartz, somehow, all the way to a body-double spy planted by Homeworld forces.

“You can hang out if you want - first ones will be out in a few minutes!” said the affront against nature as he stepped inside.

Connie paused for a moment to consider that her current train of thought was toeing Ronaldo territory, but couldn’t shake the feeling. She followed him inside as the newly-refurbished store’s lights came on. A potential free donut was an acceptable pretense, but actually, she just had to know more.

“Where’s Sadie?” the investigator asked, and set down her bag at the table. She also unzipped her jacket slightly, just in case a sword was warranted. She didn’t think a sword would be warranted, but every part of her inner Jasper was warning her about constant vigilance in the face of unknowns, helped along by an only slightly quieter inner Lapis and Peridot saying that anomalous behavior was dangerous behavior.

Lars was already behind the counter, turning on the electronics. Empty cabinets were gleaming under the morning light, along with the store interior - it looked as though almost everything in the building had been replaced since January. “Oh, she’s still in bed,” he replied. “Turns out she’s always hated opening, she’s just done it so I would show up. But I like to make the donuts, so…”

He paused, reflecting on this, and Connie tensed just in case she’d somehow triggered an activation codeword or something.

“Did you know I like to cook?” he asked her, and then continued working.

“No…” Connie said, slowly and carefully.

But Lars only chuckled. “I can’t believe I used to be scared of what people would think about that.” He muttered something more under his breath that sounded a little less cheery, but Connie didn’t catch it. It was accompanied by a bemused, slightly-disappointed head shake a moment later, before he walked into the back.

“So where’s, uh, Lapis?” he called. The question was accompanied by some clattering, then a hum as a commercial oven began to preheat.

Connie took a moment to assign a halfway-offhand thought about Homeworld spies a higher probability, and dodged the question. “She’s… around.”

More clattering as other commercial bakeware was brought to life. “Well tell her to come in! Corporate spent a ton renovating the store and gave Sadie and I raises, and she’s, like, 20% of our income!”

This was too weird. Part of Connie wanted to march into the back room and demand to know what was going on that this face stealer thought it could just waltz into Beach City and replace it’s premiere angst-driven donut boy. Her inner Jasper and Lapis approved of this idea, albeit for different reasons. Her inner Peridot was impartial. 

It was only her much-abused notions of common sense that stopped her - Steven had been out of bed when she’d left his house, and a little bit sulky. The school bus was visiting Beach City Proper again, and he would soon be riding it, since non-emergency, non-essential Crystalline Gem exemptions required 24 hours’ notice and his parents were adamant that he at least go to Budwick High sometimes.

Still, though, that was the obvious choice. As DoppelLars continued to bustle about in the little building’s kitchen (tweeting and a rustling cage announced the awakening of the store’s powdered-sugar canary, and he’d begun to exchange morning pleasantries with it), Connie withdrew her phone.

CoMa: Lars is acting weird.

StUn: Weird how?

CoMa: Happy.

StUn: That’s weird?

CoMa: It’s LARS.

StUn: Fair point.

StUn: :( just remembered free donut day. Want!

Connie frowned at his frowny face. Apparently she hadn’t adequately communicated the dire seriousness of her situation. A minor reprimand was stymied only by the appearance of further ellipsis. 

StUn: Tell him I said hi! I think he and Sadie are dating now! 

StUn: Oh, maybe they’re getting married!

StUn: If they are make sure he invites me! I want to help plan the wedding!

StUn: Get me a donut! Later, I mean. Because school. >:(

CoMa: I’ll try to come by for lunch. No promises, though.

Putting her phone back in her pocket, Connie looked up to see that Lars was already carrying out the first pan of donuts. Several minutes had passed - it was almost the store’s opening time, though nobody seemed to be waiting outside. Connie had never known much of the town to be early risers.

“Chocolate!” he said with a flourish, and deposited the pan behind the counter’s fresh glass. “And this one is for me,” he added, and withdrew the most appealing of the bunch.

“So… what’s been up with you?” Connie asked tentatively. “You look… different.”

Lars smiled at her with a cheek full of donut. “Antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and ignoring my parents. Been spending a lot of time with Sadie and that’s helped. Did you know we’re gonna try living together? Get away from her mom and my… ugh” He paused, gulped, and rolled his eyes. “Parents, y’know? My business is my business.”

Connie nodded. She knew approximately nothing about Lars’s home life, though his parents pressuring him into something would’ve explained a lot. Then she watched as he reached down to bag up a donut for her, as well. The sense of unease was settling down within her, and being helped along by the scent of fresh baked goods.

“Glad it’s working out,” she said awkwardly.

“Yeah, that and - do you know Dr. Brooks? Steven recommended her to me a few months ago and that’s helped too.”

“Yeah, I, uh, I see her too,” Connie admitted.

Lars nodded. “Cool. Well, I’ve got to finish opening up. Enjoy your donut, Connie. See you around.”

Connie nodded and walked towards the door in a daze. She almost forgot her adventure pack on the table. The store bell chimed as she exited, and she could already hear Lars busying himself in the kitchen again.

That had been… weird.

Her sudden, dire realization that she was potentially the new angstiest person in town was offset a bit by her first bite into the donut. It was good.

Notes:

Let’s chat about Lars for a minute.
I was never especially a fan of how he was portrayed in the show. He’s angsty and insecure for reasons we never really figure out, gets abducted, dies, then suddenly comes to terms with his mortality and is captaining a spaceship after being left stranded in space by our (admittedly preoccupied) protagonist.
Like, really suddenly.
If you think about it, his character doesn’t really make much sense.
The idea that his parents are well meaning but also super overbearing and refuse to accept his identity (in the show, they conspicuously refuse to use his preferred name) helps a lot with that. It also does a good deal to explain how he and Sadie can bond despite his whole brand being person-repellent.
Therapy (plus a healthy, loving relationship) really can fix things, though, and it’s a lot less risky than, um, leaving someone stranded on a hostile alien planet.
So anyway, that was my rationale behind this sudden, dramatic change. It’s not quite unprecedented, since I foreshadowed it in The New Crystal Gems, but it is still dramatic. So anyway, that’s what this is. Hope you liked it.

Notes:

If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in this Omake collection, drop us a comment either here or in the main fic and we'll get in touch.

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Series this work belongs to:

• Part 48 of Connie Swap