The things you can't leave behind

by bickazer

Summary:

Tenzo begins his new life without Root, without Danzo. But some things aren't that easy to leave behind.

A collection of character-focused snapshots. Will eventually get slashy and explicit.

Notes:

I watched the Kakashi-centered ANBU arc and now I am drowning in KakaYama feels. And little long-haired Tenzo feels.

I imagine this as a bunch of shots focused on Tenzo not long after he leaves Root and joins Kakashi's team. The canon sort of glosses it over but I can't imagine the transition was entirely smooth, and that's what I want to explore in these little pieces. Eventually, there will be explicit content and the warnings will change accordingly. (And also in my mind Danzo's a...pervert....I know, I'm gross....)

Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: call my name

The mist closes in, brushing his skin like soft, prickling fingers, and Tenzo can't deny the tension that stiffens his spine. He has dealt with the mist of Kiri before, of course, and he knows how to handle it - a true shinobi doesn't need sight to defeat an enemy.

But it unnerves him anyway. Not just the way it renders vision useless, but the way it dulls the rest of his senses, making him feel like he's somehow detached from the world.

And it bothers him more than he can say that he can't pinpoint where Kakashi is.

Get a hold of yourself, Tenzo chides himself, raising his kunai. You've faced worse situations than this. Think, Kinoe....

He draws in a sharp hiss of breath. His heartbeat echoes painfully inside his head.

Not Kinoe. That isn't his name, and it never was. It didn't take him long to adjust to being called Tenzo, because it's the name Yukimi gave him, the name Kakashi calls him, the name he wanted. Kinoe means nothing to him. He discarded it without any regret.

But even though it's been several months, even though he's found a place with his new team and new friends, in his mind he still thinks of himself as Kinoe first.

It's not that easy leaving the shadows, after all. Perhaps Kinoe will always live inside him, that helpless boy who couldn't save the other children, the emotionless weapon who existed for Danzo's sake.

As long as he keeps moving forward, it doesn't matter. One day he will become Tenzo in truth, inside and out.

Through the mist, a flash of lightning. Tenzo doesn't have to think. He takes off in its direction, effortlessly dodging the shuriken the unseen enemy hurls, intent on nothing but reaching Kakashi's side.

After the mission is over, Kakashi claps him on the shoulder and says, "Good work, Tenzo," and the warmth in his voice makes Kinoe feel further away than ever.

Chapter 2: what i have lost is nothing at all

The first time Tenzo sees Danzo again, it's when he's standing guard at the Hokage's office. He hears Danzo's familiar gait before he sees him - the shuffle of robes, the thunk of his walking stick.

It puts all of Tenzo's nerves on high alert, though he tries not to show it. He always knew he would have to end up seeing Danzo again - it isn't as if the Root leader lives underground all of the time. Tenzo tells himself it's nothing to fear. Danzo can't do anything to him anymore.

So he imitates the example of the other ANBU guard and remains stiffly at attention, focused on nothing more than accomplishing the task that he has been given. He's glad for the anonymity his mask provides. Some part of him even hopes Danzo won't even recognize him.

Foolish, of course. Danzo knows his mask, and more than that Danzo knows him. Because Danzo was the one to raise him, train him, protect him, shape him into the shinobi he is now.

Danzo appears down the hall. Tenzo remains alert but calm. Just like a shinobi should be.

Even so, he can't deny his mouth has gone dry and his chest tight by the time Danzo approaches the door. Any time now Danzo will look at him, recognize him, and - and then what? He must react in some way. He must be angry that the Hokage took his Wood Style user away from him.

But Danzo doesn't spare a single glance for him. He nods to the other ANBU, then says, "I have business with the Hokage."

Tenzo and the other ANBU step aside, allowing Danzo in. As Danzo steps past Tenzo, Tenzo's heart beats faster. Any time now. Any time....

Danzo turns his head away slightly, the motion so subtle it's almost invisible - but Tenzo catches it. And he understands what it means.

It's a rejection. Danzo has made it clear - he doesn't even want to look at Tenzo.

Tenzo should be relieved, and he is. He met Danzo again and it passed without incident. Even so, that doesn't explain the hot shame that settles deep in his chest. It's absurd, he knows it is, but he can't help feeling like he's somehow failed Danzo.

For years all he wanted was to make Danzo proud. Now Danzo must think him an ungrateful child. And Tenzo knows this is not the truth, he knows, but the shame still burns and his heart still aches.

He's gained so much in his new life, but he's lost something too, hasn't he?

Chapter 3: f is for friends who do stuff together

The first time Tenzo's given a day off, he's not sure what to do with it. Root shinobi don't have days off - not when their entire purpose is to serve as weapons. When he wasn't on missions, he was training.

That's what uses his first off day for, since he can't figure out how else to fill the time. But when the next one rolls around, Kakashi catches him before he can head to the training grounds.

"Yo, Tenzo," he says. "Today's your day off, isn't it?"

The unfamiliar boy with Kakashi grins and winks, and Tenzo swears that his teeth sparkle. "So you're the new teammate Kakashi keeps going on about! I'm Might Guy, Kakashi's eternal rival!"

"Um, nice to meet you," Tenzo says, more than a little overwhelmed. For one thing he never expected Kakashi to have such an...energetic...friend.

"We were heading to the river to go fishing," Kakashi says. "Want to join us?"

"It's the next fated showdown in our eternal rivalry!" Guy declares, pointing to the sky. "Just you wait, I'll be the first to catch the king of the river!"

"Eh?" Kakashi tilts his head. "King of the river? Is there even such a thing?"

That's how Tenzo finds himself sitting on a shady patch of the riverbank, listening carefully as Kakashi teaches him how to cast a fishing line. He's never gone fishing before, and it seems like a useful skill for a shinobi to have.

But isn't just the thrill of learning something new that makes him feel light enough to float away into the sky. It's Guy's brash boasting and refreshing smiles, the way he gets up and runs a victory lap after finally catching a fish. It's the indulging exasperation in Kakashi's voice as he talks to Guy, the wink he gives when Tenzo manages to hook a huge trout. It's the way Guy whoops and cheers when Tenzo demonstrates his Wood Style, like he's never seen anything more amazing.

This isn't anything like training. No, he's felt like this once before. Long ago. That day he spent with Yukimi...the specific memories are fuzzy, but he can still picture Yukimi's smile perfectly. And he can remember the curious lightness in his chest, something he's never been able to explain the three years since.

As evening falls and they sit around the fire roasting fish, Kakashi leans toward Tenzo and asks, "So? Did you have fun?"

"Fun?" Tenzo says, blinking.

"Hmm...." Kakashi scratches his head. "Come to think of it, you've probably never done anything like this before, have you? This is called 'spending time with friends,' I guess."

His tone becomes indulging, and a curious heat blooms in Tenzo's face. For the first time, he notices the warm highlights the fire casts upon Kakashi's hair, making his visible eye glimmer. It strikes Tenzo that he's never seen Kakashi like this before, like something's unwound in him a little bit, the tension that keeps him taut and alert and constantly suspicious.

"Well said, Kakashi!" That's when Guy jumps between them. "The hot-blooded bonds we forge beneath the open skies - that is the very essence of youth!"

Tenzo feels like he's snapped out of a genjutsu. "Essence of...youth?"

"Ignore him," Kakashi sighs. "Just as long as you had a good time, everything's fine."

Tenzo looks out over the river, the rustling trees, the star-speckled sky. He breathes in the aroma of roasting fish, lets Guy's continued rambling about the power of youth wash over his ears. And he doesn't have to look to know Kakashi is next to him, closer to his reach than he's ever felt before, even when they held each other's lives in their hands during missions.

It's true he didn't technically accomplish much on this day - no missions, no training - but he feels like he's gained a thousand precious things.

A smile spreads across Tenzo's face. "Yeah. I had a good time, senpai."

Chapter 4: a shinobi's promise

Often when his mind wanders, Tenzo finds himself thinking about Yukimi. It's been years since he's seen her, and he can't help but wonder what's become of her now.

Maybe it's silly, but sometimes on a mission, he entertains the notion that maybe this time he'll meet her again. He'll glimpse her from afar, freely traveling the world, or he'll run into her in a village....

It never happens, of course. He never seriously thinks it will. It's just something that would be nice if it happened, that's all.

And...it might give him closure, in a way. Because when he thinks about Yukimi, he doesn't only think about the happy memories. The fair. Her laugh. The tree that grew from his power and the Iburi clan's spirits. The warmth in his heart, like a newborn star, when he realized he was finally able to protect somebody.

Sometimes, there are nightmares.

There's an uncertainty at the edge of his mind every time he thinks about Yukimi, much as he might try to ignore it during the day. During the night, it comes spilling free, invading his dreams like billowing smoke. It's been years. He doesn't know what's become of her.

The world is vast. The chance he would run into her again is tiny indeed, yet still....

Did he really save her? Or was it just a temporary measure? She bravely stepped into the world unafraid of the wind, but - but what if her body began to fade over time? What if Orochimaru had done a damage that couldn't be repaired?

By now, she might have blown away with the wind, dispersed into particles too tiny to see or feel. And Tenzo would have no way of knowing.

He tries to tell himself not to worry. Yukimi has too strong a will to allow herself to disappear like that. And he didn't do it alone. The villagers helped him. They wanted her to live and face the world too.

The doubt is still there, though. Always eating a tiny hole into his heart.

He is a shinobi, and that means that every day might be his last. That it's foolish to make wishes or promises when he knows he might never be able to fulfill them.

But he hopes and wishes anyway, and deep in his soul, the place where not even Root was able to reach, he makes himself a silent promise.

One day, he'll turn uncertainty into certainty.

One day, I will find you again, Yukimi.