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Tony had been dating Loki for almost three years.
It was a long time for him, but a heartbeat for Loki.
Yet, even though it had only been the blink of an eye for a demi-god, Tony knew that he was the longest relationship Loki had ever maintained. He was also the first person to make Loki feel happy and comfortable with their relationship. He didn’t have to be someone else; he didn’t have to live in the shadows. He just had to be Loki, because that was who Tony wanted.
They fit together like matching puzzle pieces. They worked together in the lab on shared projects and they travelled the world (and the universe together.) Tony loved crawling into bed at night and knowing Loki would be there; it wasn’t just about sex (although he loved that too), it was about having someone to curl into and sooth his nightmares. It was being able to sooth Loki’s and to know that when he woke up in the morning, Loki would always be there.
Tony had thought he’d never have something like this after Pepper. He thought he was going to grow old alone and had resigned himself to that, but then Loki had appeared.
He knew they were happy, knew they were committed and only sleeping with each other, but it was two years into their relationship when Loki boldly declared how he wanted them to be together forever.
He placed a golden apple in front of Tony and without saying the words, he declared, ‘I love you’ and ‘spend eternity with me’.
And Tony hadn’t known what to say, hadn't even know if what he felt was love, but surprisingly, Loki wasn’t upset or offended by that. He’d expected as much.
“It is a life-changing decision,” Loki said. “I know that, Anthony. I don’t expect your answer today, or even this month. I know what I want, but my affections won’t change either way. This offer has no time-limit. Think on it. I will not push you for an answer.”
Loki had kept his word. The apple was never mentioned again and Loki’s love and affection didn’t shift or wane. The apple was moved to Tony’s lab, out of Loki’s sight, but not out of Tony’s mind.
The mage acted as if he’d forgotten about it, and some days, Tony did forget about it too. If he hadn’t seen the apple for a while, if he was lost in projects or adventures with Loki, it slipped to the wayside.
But, he’d always remember when he’d catch Loki looking at the corner of the lab where it resided; a mixture of yearning, worry and insecurity in his expression. It was always quickly masked, but it made Tony ache.
It made the whole crux of the problem flare to life in his mind as he ran over the same old arguments and uncertainties.
Did he love Loki? Could he spend centuries with the mage? Would Loki grow to regret it? Would he grow to regret it? Did he want to see his friends die and his planet change until it was unrecognisable? Did he want to live for hundreds - maybe, thousands of years?
Tony was a futurist. He was also someone who could see all the possibilities, good and bad, stretched out before him. He found himself stalled.
He’d told himself from the beginning that just because he was dating and living with Loki, it didn’t mean they were in love. He then told himself that just because he was happy, didn’t mean he couldn’t move on when Loki eventually left (just like everyone else).
Tony tried to tell himself that if he took the apple, it wouldn’t be committing to an even longer lifetime alone after they inevitably broke up.
Tony also tried not to feel guilty about leaving Loki waiting for so long as he debated what to do. But it was harder to ignore that guilt when he came up from the lab because of FRIDAY’S insistent badgering and found Loki not in the penthouse or in their bedroom but in an empty, unused floor of the tower.
He was lying on the floor with Asgardian liquor bottles around him. He was drunk.
Loki wasn’t a big drinker, in fact, Tony had only ever seen him drunk once and that was after a nightmare. It had been so bad that Loki needed to do something to put himself to sleep. Tony had stayed up with him, not saying a word but rubbing Loki’s back as the mage took shot after shot until he eventually collapsed in a comatose heap.
Loki didn’t seem insensate. He was just drunk and unhappy. The sight tugged at Tony’s heart and he came into the room.
“Loki,” he called gently. The mage didn’t physically move, but his eyes dragged from the ceiling to look at Tony.
They looked glassy, not just from alcohol but from emotion. Tony sat down, cross-legged on the floor beside his lover. He reached for Loki’s hand and pulled it into his lap. He linked their fingers and questioned, “What’s the matter, Bambi?”
Loki closed his eyes and his face twisted in pain. Tony instantly made a soothing noise and stroked Loki’s hand. He was wracking his brain, trying to work out what had happened to upset Loki so much.
It should have been obvious and yet, it completely startled Tony when Loki said it.
“I said I wouldn’t push you,” he whispered, his voice rough, “but it’s been a year. I’ve... I’ve done my best, but I...”
He trailed off but Tony’s mind had stuttered and stopped. Guilt erupted in his heart and twisted his stomach. His voice was small and shocked. “It’s been a year?”
How had he not noticed that? Why had Loki not said anything?
Loki nodded numbly. His eyes opened but Tony didn’t see those miserable green eyes for long before he looked away.
“I thought with enough time you would...” he chuckled bleakly. “But you would not pick me for eternity.”
He pulled his hand away from Tony and Tony let him. Loki curled it protectively against his chest. He still didn’t look at Tony.
Loki’s voice was small and heartbroken. “I thought you liked me too.”
“Loki,” Tony’s voice was strangled. He wanted to pick the god up in his arms and rock him until the pain was no longer in his voice. “Loki, I am so sorry. I didn’t realise it had been so long.”
Loki rolled his head and finally looked back at Tony. There was a single tear track running down his cheek. Loki raised a hand, heavy and uncoordinated from alcohol. Tony caught Loki’s hand and helped him to cup Tony’s cheek. Loki’s lips twitched, not quite managing a smile.
“I wanted to have my lifetime with you. Our house, our pets, your bots and our... children.”
Tony sucked in a breath. “Children?”
Loki gave a soft nod, and his eyes drifted to stare at the ceiling, lost in his imagination. “I wanted children. She would be a mage, and he would be a smith like you.” He smiled and closed his eyes. “We would watch them grow. We would be old, and you would still be mine. You would love me and I would...” he swallowed, “It would be perfect and I would be so... so happy.”
“Fuck, Loki,” Tony whispered, feeling raw.
Loki had imagined their whole life together; a house, children and growing old with one another. He imagined the rest of his long life with Tony.
And listening to it, imagining it, Tony felt a yearning in his breast that made it painfully obvious that he wanted it too. But, Loki had no idea about his realisation or the pounding of Tony’s heart. He was lost in a world of insecurities and heartbreak. He stroked Tony’s cheek with heavy, awkward fingers.
“Will you tell me no?” His eyes were dull and his voice was painful and resigned. “I do not want to... want to wait anymore for you to say no.” His jaw trembled before he quelled it. He held Tony’s gaze with agonised hope. “You will still stay with me? You will not... will not say no to me as well, Anthony?”
“Oh, Loki,” Tony whispered. “Loki, sweetheart.”
He bent down and despite the awkward angle he pressed his lips to Loki’s. He could taste the honey-sweet tang of Asgardian mead, but all he cared about was cupping Loki’s cheeks and soothing him with sweet, loving kisses.
Loki kissed him back, the kiss sloppy and unrefined, yet desperate. His arm looped around Tony’s neck and kept him close. When they pulled apart, Loki buried his face in Tony’s neck and whispered fearfully, “Please, don’t go.”
Tony’s heart jolted and he promised, “Not going anywhere, Loki, I swear. I’m not fucking up like I did all year. I’m so sorry.”
Loki made a noise, something confused, but not enough to question Tony’s implication. He just tugged Tony down further until he was forced to rearrange and lie on the floor with Loki cuddling him close.
He knew he had to get Loki up and to the bed before he passed out, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to care about that right now. Hell, he’d sleep on the floor with Loki if he had to. It was the least he could do for putting so much pain and heartbreak into his lover’s voice.
Tony needed to make this up to him, and he already knew a good place to start.
Loki woke up with a pounding headache and the first taste of regret. He hated getting drunk. He disliked the after-effects and hated being in an altered state that lowered his guard.
Sometimes however, even he needed the temporary relief from reality.
His lover, his beautiful, perfect Anthony had been given the apple three-hundred and sixty Midgardian days ago, and he had said nothing.
He hid the apple like he wished to forget it existed. He never spoke of it or seemed to glance at it. Loki had taken two months to admit the truth to himself. Anthony did not wish to be with him for eternity.
The knowledge hurt, cut so deeply into his heart that it was a wonder the organ did not die - but it beat on, because as long as Anthony was alive and in his life, Loki remained hopeful. Perhaps, given time, Anthony would change his mind.
But as the weeks became months, and an entire Midgardian year passed without a response, Loki began to lose what remained of his hope.
Loki had offered the apple because he loved Anthony; his feelings were unwavering and certain. He wanted a lifetime with Anthony; a home, a family, an eternity. He wanted Anthony to know the offer was there, that Loki was committed to him for more than just a few decades.
Anthony had been hurt in the past; Loki wanted to show that he was different than the ones who had come before him. Loki would never leave. He would stay forever. But, it seemed, he was the only one who felt that way.
With only five days left before the anniversary (when he knew he could hold his tongue no longer, when he needed to ask for Anthony’s response, one way or another) Loki had felt certain, if not handled delicately, he could lose Anthony.
Loki had to rescind the offer and take back the apple all while appearing unaffected. He had to ward his heart and expression from showing his devastation. He would have to lie, for one of the few times in their partnership. He needed Anthony to believe it was fine, and that remaining with Loki for the rest of his mortal life would not form guilt or resentment.
It was why, before doing so, Loki needed to obliterate it all with alcohol.
He had ordered FRIDAY not to let Anthony know where he was or what he was up to. Loki wanted privacy while still retaining the protection Anthony’s home offered. She had agreed and he had trusted her.
Stupidly, foolishly, he had thought she would not break her promise, but as Loki began to remember the events of the previous night, he became aware of what she had done to him. He realised with horror that Anthony had found him and heard all his wishes and dreams for their future.
The home, the domesticity, the children; Anthony had heard everything Loki wanted.
He will never stay with you now, a bitter voice in his mind whispered.
The thought only gained further weight when he pushed up from his place on the floor and could not immediately see Anthony. They had fallen asleep together; he had fallen asleep on top of Anthony; an immovable object. Anthony must have left him the moment he could.
Loki clenched his fists and closed his eyes, but before he could be overcome with rejection and misery, his lover’s soft voice was heard, “Morning, Loki.”
He pushed up further and looked down at his feet. Anthony was sitting crossed-legged by his ankles. Loki’s heart lurched to see the golden apple in his tanned hands.
Loki stared at the apple for a long moment. The sight of it pressed down on his heart. He had planned so much of his future around that fruit and the man holding it. Loki had never done that for another; never pictured centuries of his life with someone at his side, yet here he sat, watching the man he loved turn him away.
Loki sat up slowly. He was close enough to take the apple with ease, yet his arms were leaden at his side. He couldn’t look at Anthony’s face.
Will you tell me no? I do not want to... want to wait anymore for you to say no.
His words from last night returned to haunt him; it seemed he was getting his wish. There was no more chance for hope.
“Anthony,” he started, his voice rough. “I-”
“I’m sorry,” Anthony interrupted, and against his better judgement, Loki raised his gaze to Anthony.
The mortal’s beautiful, warm brown eyes were now filled with apology and regret. Loki cringed. Instantly, Anthony reached for his hand and covered it. The apple was still clasped in his other.
“I didn’t realise it had been a year,” He continued, squeezing Loki’s hand gently. “I got wrapped up in my own problems, my own worries, I didn’t think enough about you.”
“It is an important decision,” Loki answered flatly. “You needed time. You should have thought about yourself.”
“But I should have thought more about you too, about what this meant for us; now and in centuries to come.”
Loki flinched at the word ‘centuries’ a mocking jab at his wistful, impossible future.
“There are no centuries,” Loki forced out while staring at their hands. “I have accepted that, Anthony.” He shifted Anthony’s hand in order to clasp it. “But, I would take the decades you have left on Midgard, I would-”
“You aren’t listening to my apology, Loki,” Anthony interjected, but his voice was soft. He linked their fingers, and pulled Loki’s hand forward, not stopping until he could press his lips against the back of it.
Loki had watched the movement, but he dared to glance at his lover’s face over the affectionate touch. Anthony was already looking at him, and their eyes caught and held.
“I told myself for months, for years that I didn’t love you, because if I didn’t love you, it wouldn’t hurt as much when you left me. But you know something, Loki? I can’t imagine anything hurting me more than watching how much pain you were in last night and knowing it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t-” Loki tried to protest.
“Yes, it was,” Anthony insisted, no room for argument. He even glared. “I was a first class idiot and asshole. I was so busy worrying about you leaving me in forty years that I didn’t think about being with you for a thousand. I didn’t think about a house, pets, bots, and children. I didn’t think about growing old at your side.” Anthony squeezed his hand, his smile apologetic. “I thought about all the wrong things, and ignored all the good ones.”
Loki’s heart was pounding and hope was leaping wild and untameable in his heart. His palm was sweaty and he felt like he was about to start trembling.
“What are you...” he swallowed. “Are you..." he shook his head, unable to believe it. "You are telling me no... aren’t you?”
He was terrified for what the answer to this question would be, but when Anthony smiled at him, there was nothing apologetic in his gaze, there was only warmth.
“I’m saying, I love you too, and I want the future you told me about.”
He followed his words by picking up the apple and drawing it to his lips. Loki watched with wide, disbelieving eyes as Anthony took a bite, then a second, then a third. He felt his eyes watering and it was followed by slow, trickling tears.
It made Anthony stop eating, and watch him with concern. He went to wipe them away, but Loki laughed and shook his head. He let go of Anthony’s hand to brush them aside himself.
“Don’t stop eating, you fool,” he insisted. He leant in and kissed Anthony’s lips, tasting the sharp, sweet tang of fruit.
It brought relief and happiness as he pulled back and looked at his lover. He could already see the signs of the fruit working, a few less wrinkles around his eyes, and easier movement as it eased long held weariness in his bones.
But there was still a touch of desperation spreading through his heart and it entered his voice as he took Anthony’s hand again and whispered, “Don’t wait any longer.”
Anthony’s smile was soft, and his eyes sad. He kissed Loki again, but whispered against his lips, “I won’t make you wait ever again.”
He followed it up by returning to the fruit, eating every piece until not even the core remained. Loki watched avidly, seeing each change that overtook his body. He didn’t de-age, that wasn’t the purpose of the fruit, but his body became refreshed and revitalised. His hair became fuller, and the few grey strands disappeared. His wrinkles smoothed out and the aches and pains of age were removed. He looked perhaps ten years younger, but no more.
Reaching out for him, Loki cupped his lover’s cheek, stroking his thumb over the skin with awe. “You ate the apple.”
It still seemed impossible, he’d spent so many months certain it would never happen, but Anthony had eaten it, Anthony had chosen him.
“Yeah,” Anthony whispered, bringing up a hand to cup Loki’s. “The best thing I could ever do.”
Loki made a sound, pained and needy before he crushed his lips against Anthony's, needing to kiss him. He needed to know this was real and wouldn’t disappear like a dream - but Anthony was solid against him. Anthony held him close and kissed him back with just as much fervour.
Anthony; his beloved, his former mortal and now his lifelong partner.
Loki's heart sung with pure happiness and he felt as if he might erupt with it. The future was at their fingertips, and unlike he’d feared for so long, Loki wouldn’t be spending it alone.