you've gone too long without a smile

by goldenbadwolf (tempestu0us)

Summary:

Rose seemed to fall into a depression not long after they left Krop Tor. She seemed fine when they were up to their usual antics: saving people and solving problems. But when they were back in the vortex, something heavy seemed to fall over her.

Notes:

if you're easily bothered by the topic of depression/depressive themes, this isn't the fic for you. please be careful and take care of yourself.

Chapter 1: i sit and watch

Outside for the first time in a longtime.
Lose yourself sink into the sunlight.
It's been a while since you felt right.
But the warm nights are coming soon
And you’ll be just fine

Outside for the first time in a longtime.
You said you can't remember what it's like
to feel more than cold on the inside.
But the sunrise will come again
Oh, you'll be just fine.

 

---

 

 

Rose seemed to fall into a depression not long after they left Krop Tor. She seemed fine when they were up to their usual antics: saving people and solving problems. But when they were back in the vortex, something heavy seemed to fall over her. She didn’t sit on the jump seat and call Jackie or ramble on about something she said while they were on the phone. She didn’t discuss her latest favorite reality show. She didn’t ask impossible questions that only he would know the answer to and call him full of it when he did as the Doctor tinkered. She just sat and watched or read, if she sat there at all.

When she did read, he noticed that she wasn’t reading Charles Dickens or Jane Austin or some other classic lit. She was picking up poets like Plath and Bukowski, reading heavy philosophized fiction like Camus and Sartre. It didn’t worry him in the beginning. Given that it was only natural for her to drift through periods and eras of written works.

If Rose wasn’t with him in the console room, he’d find her in the garden or in the library. She’d be sketching most of the time. Sometimes painting. Hobbies she picked up just before meeting Jack. She wasn’t really focused on a style of art. She did focus on realism in the beginning though, at his advice. She was quite good at it too. Drawings of his new and old face, Jack, Mickey, and Jackie were scattered across her old room. Floral, impressionist-style paintings leaned against walls. It was clear that since they shared his room, hers morphed into an art studio.

She drew floral and landscapes when she was in the garden. But in the library, he’d find her creating almost surreal imagery.

“What’s that?” He pointed over her shoulder to something that appeared to be wings.

She just sighed, “Wings. Not really sure where I’m goin’ with it though.”

She only worked on the painting when she couldn’t or refused to sleep.

When she slept, it was rarely peacefully like before. Nightmares plagued her like they once plagued him. It worried the Doctor to the point that he no longer left to tinker when she was in deep sleep. He stayed throughout the night, passing time by reading or just watching her. Occasionally sleeping himself. But her REM sleep meant there were whimpers of his name slipping from her lips and hands searching for him. If it was too terrible, she’d cry.

It was when she woke up sobbing his hearts would ache. He’d hold her close. He’d mumble thoughtless comforts into her hair, run his fingers up and down her spine, and let her hold him tight enough to leave bruises. Like she was trying to make them into one.

What made it worse was she refused to talk about the nightmares. Claiming she couldn’t remember what had happened. And her sudden darken moods were passed off as exhaustion.

Her tongue-touched smile was rare now. Only pulling through when they saved the day. Less frequent but still there gave him hope. She was still coping. Still seeing the good in everything. Still so human. But there came a day that was saved and something like paranoia began. What if she never smiled again?

It was after leaving Jackie behind in the parallel universe and nearly falling into a void of creatures built of hate that she truly fell deep into something that she couldn’t hide. Something she couldn’t deny either. Not that she tried.

Her goodbye to her mother took the fuel of a supernova. And the strength of a goddess to admit that they’d never see each other again. The last thing she’d ever hear Jackie say was a sob broken “I love you.” The moment was a blur to him.

One moment she was standing and the next she was collapsed on the floor.

“Figure something out. Please!” She begged between heavy sobs.

He quickly moved to her. Gathering her in his arms and rocking her back and forth.

She repeated “Please” over and over. Crying herself to near-dehydration. Holding onto the lapels of his suit as if it was the only thing keeping her grounded.

The Doctor didn’t say anything. Wasn’t sure if she really wanted to hear anything. Just took her to the infirmary when she went silent.

She was limp as he took off her jumper to check for broken ribs. There were two. She didn’t seem to notice or care. The bruising nearly covered her entire left side. She didn’t make a single noise as he ran several regenerators over broken bone, busted veins, and bruised muscle. It hurt him. His brave, selfless Rose. So lost in her own mind. So hurt.

He clinched his jaw as those thoughts ran through his head. She was the last being to deserve this. She deserved her every last wish. And the few she had right now were impossible for him to give her.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Gently running his hands up and down her sides.

It was the beginning of a sudden new life. And the end of her old one. Even if she wasn’t ready to accept it yet.

So rather than taking her to their bedroom, he lead her to the media room and put on one of her guilty pleasures, Night of the Creeps. The campy 80s sci-fi didn’t seem to induce the usual fit of giggles and commentary though, not that he expected it. He at least hoped for some kind of reaction. Even if it was her telling him to fuck off. To stop being so overbearing. Instead, she sat with her head on his chest, eyes unfocused on the screen in front of them. As if she were in a trance.

And the trance didn’t just last for a night. Neither did the silence.

It scared him. Terrified him to his core.

Because this was the girl who had brought hope and joy and love back into his life. The one who showed him what something new felt like. Who put together war torn hearts. Who looked gods and devils in their eyes and said “No more.” Who proved that empathy could be the most essential thing. Who was so beautifully human yet somehow such a goddess at the same time.

Now, she was practically mute. She barely ate. Something horrid had truly come over her. Something dark. He understood it. The cloudiness in her eyes was something that had grown familiar to him. Something that didn’t belong in hers. She looked so much older than before. Even though it was technically impossible.

And he wasn’t certain that he could heal her the way she did him. A single heart was so much more reckless with emotion than two. So much more vivid with it.

He wasn’t okay with it. Didn’t want to accept it. But he knew this was a trial that she had to take. And it was lead by her. No genius plan of his could sort it out. She was clever. But Rassilon, was she emotional. He could only be support if she allowed him to be.

He told her this several times. Reminded her of the things he thought she needed to hear. Whispered “I love you”s when she woke from terrors or simply was too afraid to fall asleep. He tried to give her the support he wish he had before meeting her.

They stayed in the vortex for about a week. He gave her space but made sure the TARDIS told him if she was in need of anything. The ship herself seemed to take on a small form of Rose’s mindset. The humming was a deeper tone, the lights a bit dimmer. It was fair, they were quite literally coursing through one another. So he trusted the TARDIS to take care of her as much as he could.

He went back to the Powell Estates and gathered everything in the flat. It was known that she planned on living on the TARDIS for the rest of time. But this was too sudden. She couldn’t bare to even glance outside the TARDIS doors. She stayed in their room as the Doctor lugged each box into a new room his ship had made. To keep everything safe until Rose was ready to confront it all.

It was another few days in the vortex until she actually said something.

They were in the galley. The Doctor was making a light lunch for the both of them. A talk show coming from the radio that replaced their usual bicker and conversation. It would’ve been an unbearable silence without the TARDIS’ hum. Both of them lost in their own minds.

To the point that Rose’s voice made him jump slightly. It was an unfamiliar, hoarse, soft whisper.

“Doctor?”

He turned to see tears forming and immediately kneeled in front of her, “Rose?”

“I’m not supposed to be here, am I?”

His eyebrows furrowed, “Why would you say that?”

“Whatever that thing on Krop Tor said. Nearly losing you. Losing my mum. Nearly falling into that void myself,” Something like anger washed over her face, “It’s almost like something is out to get me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true though.”

The Doctor cupped her cheeks and whipped away the trails of tears with his thumbs, “Terrible things happen to the best people, Rose.”

Silence. This time, stagnate. They just stared into each other’s eyes. He was begging her to say something more. Just one more word.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Let yourself go through it. Don’t force solutions,” He gave her a small smile, “Let help come and show you what’s bright again.”

She didn’t smile. But something in her face softened for just a second. A hint of relief, maybe. It didn’t last long, but it was something that made him sure he was doing something right.

“Do you think she’s happy?” It came out as more of a sob than a question.

He pulled her out of the chair and into the floor. Holding her tightly to his chest, rocking her. Something that was occurring often. He took it as a comfort more than him than her. Knowing she was still here with him.

But this was her moment. A moment he had been asking for since the moment the supernova died.

“She’s going to miss you more than you miss her, Rose. I know that. But the stages of grief are always the same, even if you didn’t really lose them. But she’ll be happy. She’ll figure it out soon enough.”

And she just cried. Something he was strangely happy about. Because it was something other than the silence. Something other than her letting it stay inside her and spread over every one of her thoughts like mold. It was something he could hear and understand. Something she would soon find was the climax of the end.

Chapter 2: lose myself sink into your sunlight

Summary:

He didn’t have an answer. Because it would mean forgoing the idea of fate and chance. Leading them both to believe there is something more. Maybe within them- that they could change a past that has already had its chance. It's a chance to take hold of the present. Morph them- morph her. And carve out everything to come.
So he just held her. All he knew is they had tomorrow.

Notes:

this went from 250 words to 2000. yeehaw.

hope you enjoy :)

I sit and watch for the few lights for the green side

Lose myself sink into your sunlight

Breathe in the breeze like a sweet sigh keep me tongue tied

If this last forever I'll be just fine, oh I'll be just fine

 

You are the rustling of leaves

And you are that honey suckle breeze

You are the sunlight, shine on to me

Shine on to me, shine on to me

---

 

She was doing better. Beginning to smile a little more. Her eyes even began to twinkle again.

Maybe it was the Tardis looking out for her, or maybe it was that his piloting got a little less impulsive. No longer punching buttons and slamming levers, learning to slow down his dance for her. Letting her stay in one space long enough to catch up. Not too long for her to become stuck.

But there hadn’t been many visits to earth. Especially in her time. Neither of them mentioned it. It settled in the air of the console room, afraid of what was outside the doors. Hoping it wasn't something that would spiral down to adjacent memories. He learned that their coping mechanisms had dwindled to one. Risking their lives. Saving worlds. Running hand in hand. Fighting bad guys. Standing for what’s worthy.

He could feel her heart beating sometimes. Well, most of the time. But he was reminded of what it meant. When they were dashing back to their ship. Breathless. On the brink of falling.

Which would happen sometimes. They’d crash through the doors and she’d collapse into the jumpseat. He wouldn’t notice the tears until he had put them in the vortex.

The first time it happened, they were struggling to sprint through the sand. Trying to get back to the Tardis. They were a few yards ahead of the heavy brutes, but the Doctor wasn't aiming to have another lucky breakaway.

It was one of those situations where they showed up at the wrong place, wrong time and broke a law before they could even get a word out. Leaving them to wiggle out of harms way before they lost a finger.

Rose wasn't happy with him. It was also one of those times where they ended up in the wrong century. He missed the year he was hoping for by five decades.

He twirled around the console. Hoping he could take her mind away from being frustrated with him by babbling. Instead, she found the topic he least expected.

"I wish I could call her."

And then she broke down. The small smile fading while the tears gathered. He was quick to move to her side.

“Why-” she swallowed the question when she swallowed her tears.

“Why what, Rose?”

She shook her head, “Out of all these things we do right, why couldn’t we do it right then?”

He didn’t have an answer. Because it would mean forgoing the idea of fate and chance. Leading them both to believe there is something more. Maybe within them- that they could change a past that has already had its chance. It's a chance to take hold of the present. Morph them- morph her. And carve out everything to come.

So he held her. All he knew is they had tomorrow.

 

&&

 

It took time. He sure as hell knew that. So tomorrows came and went.

They landed on Theron 70FV. In the middle of some conflict or war. He could never keep up with the Theronians. They were always at odds with someone. Typically themselves.

The Doctor knew it was a fruitless effort, but he let Rose try. Because she needed to make an impact on someone. He didn’t interfere like he normally would, swoop in when things were dire. Partially because he wanted to see if her decisions would change. But mostly because he didn’t have to.

He should have expected Rose to act the way she did.

She paid no mind to the noises going on outside of the warehouse they found full of refugees. Mothers and children and injured. There was no grand scheme to stop the war, it was a tiny, delicate scheme to fight a fight the wary had no energy for. A fight that Rose didn't notice, she saw people in need. People that have been cast away because they weren't as big as the problem at hand. People who needed her.

So they went out and found the supplies everyone needed. The food, the comforts, the medicines. Rose argued and bartered and the Doctor stored what he could in his pockets, making a sack out of a blanket to hold everything. Before eventually trading whatever was in his pockets for a bag that was trans-dimensional.

She kept going. Trudging through villages torn apart by conflict and towns that looked brand new. She wasn’t going back until she had everything on her list checked off. Until she had everything that her people needed.

It took a little more than a week. He had to force her to stop and rest and sleep. Sometimes people would offer a spare room. Other times they found dark corners. It didn’t matter where they were though. They slept rough. Even with Rose pressed against his chest and wrapped in his coat, double heartbeat lulling her to sleep, she never relaxed. He felt her anxious twitches and mumbles while she dreamed. When she woke up, it was onto the next thing on her list.

Sometimes, while they waited on the goods, she allowed herself a breath. He watched her phase out into the thoughts she shoved away. The way she overworked herself drove in the exhaustion. It took over for a moment.

Lost in a world driven by her stubborn, broken heart.

There was a night where she hit that wall. Hard. Falling into his arms but not falling asleep. He almost expected her to cry. Not that it was a bad thing. It was just what she had done every other time this happened. Overwhelmed by all that she was doing with such a loud brain- Who wouldn’t collapse?

They had been invited into a house that night. The tenants called her a martyr. She renounced the title, she was doing what she was put here for.

And the Doctor laughed at that. Because maybe that’s true. With their sentient ship who put them where they needed to be, it was possible. Yet there was a lingering feeling that the Tardis put them here because Rose needed it. Just as much as these people needed Rose.

After dinner, they were led to the guest room. What happened next was like slow-motion.

As the door closed, she turned around to face him and leaned towards for a hug. Which he gave. She was Rose and he was the Doctor and that’s what they did. She collapsed into him like she had when they were on New Earth. And for the first time in four days he felt her muscles relax.

He carried her to the bathroom and sat her down. Taking a towel and wiping away the dirt that had gathered on her face over the past few days. And he laughed. Her eyes came back from wherever she was at with a curious glint.

“If it were me leading the crusade, you would have complained about the dust and dirt days ago. You’ve never been one for the lack of showers.” He explained.

She grinned slightly, looking up through hooded eyelids as he went to set the towel back on the sink.

“Is that what you think I am? A crusade?”

He smiled, “Oh, Rose Tyler. I think you’re brilliant.”

She didn't say much more. He was okay with that.

He helped her out of her jacket and jeans into bed. Listening carefully while scrubbing the dirt off of them. For a small huff or even his name- neither ever came.

He returned from the ensuite to see her laying on top of the duvet, starting at the ceiling with an expression he couldn't quite describe on her face.

He laid next to her. For a moment, the entire world had gone still. Like the moment before someone lets out the breath that says it all.

Her movements remained slow. Curling into him with care. Letting sore muscles relax one by one. Her hand rediscovering the lean muscles of his stomach with detail.

It made his hearts swell. To be in such a moment of peace. Even if it was for a few hours. It was another step. As much as he loved the Rose who smiled and joked and kept running. He knew that she needed a second to just process. To go back into her mind and rummage through thoughts she had shoved to the side.

Some may consider it self-destructive to keep going the way she did. But he couldn’t say a thing. Every moment was worth it. No matter how dark.

She was healing. He was here for whatever route they would take.

 

&&

 

They went back to Earth for the first time in months. It wasn’t long for everyone on Earth. A week, tops.

They met Jo at the flat, to pick up the things the Doctor left behind. Rose's relative didn't mention the fact that most of the things they were there for were already gone. Instead, they sat in the cramped living room and laughed. Then cried. Mourning a woman yet to die.

After the melancholy happiness of the afternoon, Rose received a text. One that led them to arguing over if he needed to dress down or not. Rose won.

On their way to the club, she talked about all the times her and her mates got into trouble. Pointing out the chippy they would run to if they heard Jackie was on her way. The alternative routes back to the estates. Tugging him down for a kiss at on the at the crossroads before the club.

She was giddy. Bouncing on her toes. Ready to tell stories and chat with friends she hadn't gotten to properly talk to in years.

They were tucked away in the corner. A small table had been set up for the friends. He had yet to meet any of them outside of Shireen. But they took onto him with ease. Derailing his monologue with a quip at Rose. He kept a eye on her as the conversation bounced around. Stories of running away from their teachers in France, how Mickey asked her out for the first time, and the time Jackie nearly knocked a boy's tooth out. He didn't need to do it. But the subtle changes in her expression and her unconstrained laughter kept him captivated. It was something he didn't realize he missed.

Occasionally someone would come by and ask if the rumors about her were true. Most of which, weren't. Then asking if the Doctor was the man that took her away from the estates.

Tonight seemed to be the night that everyone in Rose’s “normal” life was meeting the Doctor. He didn’t mind. Just keeping a hold of her hand and squeezing it three times when she grew tense.

During the first pint, he found himself raising a toast. Because of something someone said about her.

"To Jackie." He winked.

Rose rolled her eyes in return but joined him, "Best mum in the universe."

As the evening grew on, the stories and laughter distracted them from the fact that it was getting busier. The Doctor hadn't noticed how loud the music was until Shireen left with another one of Rose’s mates to go get refills and they were alone. They were in their own little bubble. Like they had been before.

“Are you okay?” He mumbled into her ear.

She didn't answer right away and he wondered if she even heard him. She was staring off into nowhere. Then the song changed. And Rose perked up and pressed a kiss against his cheek before pulling him out of his chair. She led them out to the center of the room where a crowd he didn’t notice before had formed.

Then they were dancing.

No strategic or planned dance like the first time. Around the console room with only Jack to watch. It was mindless. In the middle of a crowd of people. They were too focused on each other to notice people tripping over their feet. Or their friends calling their names. They didn't care if people were watching.

He was happy that she convinced him to dress down to his henley. Laughing as he twirled her and her hands fell against his chest when someone tripped her.

The lights in the dark room couldn't compare to the ones that sparkled as one of her favorite songs came on.

The tongue-in-tooth smile followed by the come-and-get-me grin told him they were far from where they were the last time they were on Earth.

He was sure that his tomorrows would never stop coming if she kept on smiling like that.

Notes:

sorry it took so long to finally post part two. i really had no clue how to end this in a way that i was satisfied with. but i think this one's alright.

 

follow me on tumblr if you're vibin

Notes:

i felt like i've read a lot of fics where it's the doc who's all angsty and depressed and i really wanted to turn it around and give Rose a moment (not that it's a good one to have). i mean, a girl can only keep up with the trauma for so long.

anyways i hope you enjoyed!

title and opening: Daylily by Movements

find me on tumblr: goldenbadwolf

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of you can sing to it, dance to it, fall in love with it.