Chapter Text
“What is that?”
“That’s a chorizo.”
“Can I eat it?”
Javier looked at Yuzuru like he was insane. To be honest, he was but Javier liked to pretend he was even worse for linking him in the first place.
“No, you can’t.
“But that’s a…thing Javi just said.”
Let him eat it and your problems will be over.
“Listen, no. You don’t eat meat so let’s not upset your stomach.”
As tempting as it seemed, he rather not spend the rest of his tour in a hospital, holding Yuzuru’s hand while he puked. Yuzuru scrunched up his nose but accepted the advice, nonetheless. It didn’t help that Javier wanted to kiss that nose and smooth his frown away with his lips and-
“How about that?”
“Do you think they figured it out?”
“Considering Jun’s state? I don’t think so.”
“I think I might need to help.”
“That’s churros.” He wanted to make fun of him and say that he couldn’t eat the dough because it would make him too heavy, and he wouldn’t be able to jump the quad Axel anymore.
Now that would be funny.
But he would cry and then I would cry too.
“Can I?”
Oh fuck.
“Yes, I’ll get one for you.” Yuzuru jumped up and down like a hyper chihuahua and Javier looked around him, just in case someone was paying any attention to them, “If you behave and sit down and wait for me.”
Yuzuru pouted for the thousandth time that afternoon but still obeyed and sat down on the wooden bench under the shadow. As Javier made his way to the food truck, he looked behind him a couple of times just to make sure he stayed put.
The line was quite long as always, the sun burned and his feet hurt but it gave Javier some time to think about what had just happened in the last three days, again.
For how long had he dreamed about this? Having Yuzuru with him, in Spain, strolling around the streets, trying new food at every sketchy food truck, and watching Yuzuru’s face light up as he ate more unhealthy food in one day than he had eaten in his whole life.
He had wanted this for so long. He had wanted this for years. The problem was that Yuzuru had never really wished for the same thing.
Yet, here he was. Showing up at his door with literally nothing and ready to be rejected in case Javier didn’t want him there.
Here he was, taking every chance just for the sake of being with Javier, even if he had no idea why or how. So many things could have gone wrong, he could have been spotted by the media before he got to him, and he could have gotten sick.
Perhaps Yuzuru finally shared his wish.
And as he looked at Yuzuru, sitting obediently and making heart signs with his fingers at Javier, he realized that he didn’t care how exactly he had gotten there and who he had blackmailed.
Because for Javier, this was enough.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized how his phone had been buzzing inside his back pocket for a few minutes now, without checking the screen he hurried to pick up the call.
“Hi Javi, it’s Yuna,” he cursed himself for not looking at the caller’s id, but he was extremely distracted by Yuzuru’s attempt at talking to pigeons, rounding them up and making weird bird noises at them, “I just heard that the show isn’t canceled after all?”
“You need to hurry up, I risked too much for you to fuck it up.”
“Yuna won’t be that mad, she couldn’t come and I basically covered for her.”
“Yeah…about that…”
“Jun?”
Yuzuru knew that something wasn’t right.
Throughout the show, Javier hadn’t spoken a word to him.
After their little excursion through the city, Javier had thrown the churros at his lap and told him that they should go back to their hotel. That had been the last time he had spoken to him and the way that Javier had scooted over as far as he could on their bed that night, definitely should have been a warning sign.
Yuzuru didn’t know what to do or what was happening as he watched his chances slip away from him just like that. He had crossed the Atlantic for one goal only and still, he had failed.
The show had been a success and thankfully nobody decided to ask for refunds due to the lack of a certain Korean skater’s performance that day as it was announced. So, the arena had remained filled to the brim, and so far they had enjoyed Yuzuru’s surprise appearance.
The morning before the show, the girls had come up with an outfit for him that didn't make Yuzuru ook like he was drowning in fabric for once. The costume consisted of some tight black skinny jeans and a loose white dress shirt, it was very simple but when they were done with him, Yuzuru understood what they were aiming for. The shirt, once he opened a few of the top buttons, fell to one side and one of his shoulders became uncovered.
Yuzuru had tried to explain to the girls that perhaps, showing skin wasn’t a good idea in such a family event. They hadn’t budged because apparently, the clothes fit his program and weren’t as bad as his original purple pants.
After that, Yuzuru had no arguments left and didn't refuse to put on some make-up as some sort of payment for their efforts. It had been a small price to pay and after he looked at himself in the mirror, perhaps the black eyeliner was something that he could use on his next programs. He looked good.
Thinking that perhaps he could pull off the sexy look somehow, he practiced his number for the last time with the whole costume and made sure that Javier was watching.
If he couldn’t get Javier’s attention, what even was the point in all of this? As soon as he finished the program, Javier however, excused himself and left the arena.
Yuzuru wanted to get his things and catch the next flight to Toronto.
Yet, here he was, sitting up in their bed probably for the last time and Javier was barely an arm's length of distance away from him but so far away. Yuzuru had to be brave for the last time.
“Javi?”
Javier had already taken a shower and just lazily sat on his side of the bed scrolling through social media, probably checking the reactions to the latest show. He had never noticed how attentive to others' critique Javier actually was. But then again, there was a lot that Yuzuru still didn't know.
He desperately wanted a chance to do so.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Should I be?”
The passive-aggressive attitude was driving him up the walls, and he couldn’t just pretend everything was okay anymore. They had been together since they had arrived from the show, and yet he had never been so lonely. It was like he was back home all over again, alone and missing Javier like a lovesick teenager.
Only this time, the only thing stopping them from talking wasn’t the physical distance.
“Just tell what I did wrong.” He knew he sounded a bit harsh, so he softened his tone and added a quiet plea. “Please.”
“I talked to Yuna.”
“You did? But I told you she doesn’t have-”
“A phone? Weird then.”
Yuzuru felt the air leave his lungs as if he had been punched. This was not how things should have ended up like, he was supposed to have more time...
“Javi, I can explain.” And then Yuzuru told him everything, from Jun telling him that Yuna couldn’t make it to the show and then how they planned for Yuzuru to just go to Spain in her place to how he had grabbed his things and on some crazy whim, and how he had packed his skates and flew to a city in a country he barely knew.
No translator, no bags, no mother, and no team.
“How did you get the right hotel?”
“I don’t know, Jun just told…he said Yuna talked about it on their chat.”
That much had been true, he hoped.
“Luna never asked you for any autographs did she?” Javier asked him, his anger didn’t seem to calm down no matter how much he tried to explain what had happened.
Yuzuru thought that explaining things would somehow make Javier understand how much of a desperate move it all had been. An idiotic and irresponsible move, but still, his intentions had been the best.
“No.”
“Jun feels really guilty.”
“I feel bad for him, he’s such a good boy but he deserves to feel ashamed for a bit.”
“Once Yuzuru comes back and stops moping around, he won’t even mind.”
Javier put his tablet aside, and rose to his feet, he stood right in front of Yuzuru and stared right into his eyes, as if daring him to lie to him again.
“What are you doing here Yuzu?”
What was he doing there?
“I just miss Javi.”
Javier’s mind went back to that stupid interview with Brian on the Olympic Channel.
I just miss Javi.
Perhaps Yuzuru did miss Javier as much as he had missed him?
“I look at flag and think about Javi, I jump Sal and remember Javi…and when I fall nobody helps me up. Everyone is too afraid of me or doesn’t care!”
Javier almost jumped at the sudden outburst, and almost found the last part a bit comical. Surely it wasn’t that bad? Yuzuru just needed time to adjust. To fall back into some routine that doesn’t include him anymore.
He wondered if perhaps, Yuzuru had never cared to really make friends because they had each other. Javier had probably become a constant in his life and he was just starting to notice his absence now that he wasn't around to fuss about him.
“Yuzu-”
“And now everyone is going to forget who Yuzuru Hanyu is anyway because Yuzuru Hanyu is not winning gold anymore and I don’t have anyone that understands…”
Ah, so there it was. There was always something more with Yuzuru. He just didn’t miss Javier. He missed something else and now he just didn’t have someone to coddle him and pat his head.
“Yuzuru what are you even talking about, everyone knows you are the best skater in the-”
“No, I’m not! I’m nothing, I have nothing!” the way Yuzuru was screaming and shaking at the same time, was quite frankly the scariest thing Javier had witnessed Yuzuru do. He had never, in all the years they had known each other, lost his mind like this.
For how long had he kept this inside?
“I lost everything Javi, I lost every title, every competition and in the end, I lost Javi too, so I thought…I thought maybe it’s not too late to get Javi back.”
Was this…what this was? Some desperate attempt to get back the only thing he still thought he could get his hands on?
Javier felt like the biggest idiot on Earth.
“Yuzuru, I’m not coming back.” He told him flatly. “I’m sorry, but you’re not really trying to fix anything.”
It hurt to say these words, it hurt to see the pain flash in Yuzuru’s eyes and he tried to make his message clear. He had suffered enough, he wouldn’t be a puppet on top of all of it.
“What?”
“You are only hiding, trying to find something to make up for the fact that you didn’t win your precious medals.”
As Javier listened to his own words, he realized how it all made sense. Running away. Hiding where no one can recognize him. Play nice with Javier so he won’t ask questions. Probably laugh at his expense. And in the end, he still manipulated him into letting him be part of his show and get some standing ovations to fuel his ego.
He had been such a fool.
“Javi no-”
Yuzuru reached out to him, trying to grab his hands but Javier stepped back and put some distance between them, raising one hand in some sort of warning for him to stay where he was.
Javier wasn’t done.
“If you had told me that you had come because of me or…us? I would have actually believed that you cared about me like I care about you, but not like this.”
“Javi please.” Yuzuru lunged forward as if on instinct and grabbed Javier’s wrist, “I mean what I say, it doesn’t matter if I not win, I just need to have Javi-”
That was his breaking point.
“Are you even listening to yourself? You sound like you are here for some kind of consolation prize because back in Toronto people must be fed up with your constant sulking and no patience for your mood swings. So you come to me because I can never refuse you and you’ll have a punching bag!”
Javier no longer knew what was the truth. He wanted to believe that this hadn’t been just some meaningless play on Yuzuru’s part. He wanted to wipe the tears now cascading Yuzuru’s perfect alabaster skin.
He wanted a lot of things and it was a shame that he couldn’t get any of them.
“I’m sorry Yuzuru, but I’m done.”
“Please listen…I swear-” Yuzuru was no longer trying to reach for him and somehow Javier already missed his touch, even if fleeting. He had imagined them saying their goodbyes in many ways before, none of his made-up scenarios came close to this one.
“I’m going out for a walk, pack your things and go. There are vacant rooms where you can wait till the next flight to Toronto, I hope you enjoyed the show, and thank you for your performance.”
He could hear Yuzuru begging for something, perhaps more excuses or made-up stories. Javier didn’t care to find out as he bowed deeply, turned around, and opened the door.
“It ends here, Yuzuru.”