Chapter Text
Sirius was writing in his diary when he heard Lupin slip into his tent. It was late, and he’d almost convinced himself that Lupin wasn’t going to come. He’d been quieter than usual on the last part of the drive home, and Sirius couldn’t help remembering the previous times he’d slipped away without a word.
“Hey,” he said, glancing at Sirius for a moment, then looking at the ground.
Sirius closed up his diary and put it down on his small table. He climbed to his feet and stood, face to face with Lupin.
“How are you doing, Remus? You’re still looking a bit tired.”
He lifted his hand and brushed strands of hair back from Lupin’s face, before sliding his fingers behind Lupin’s neck. Sirius pulled him closer and brushed a soft kiss to his lips.
“Yeah… I suppose,” Lupin said as Sirius pulled back. “Long day, you know… the kids. So much energy, they take it out of you.”
He smiled at Sirius, although it seemed a little forced.
“Yeah, I get that,” Sirius said, gesturing to the bed and watching as Lupin sat down. “Do you feel like a drink?”
Lupin hesitated for a moment, then looked at Sirius and gave a nod.
“Yeah, thanks. That would be great.”
Sirius pulled the bottle Lupin had given him from the back of his small cabinet and poured some whisky into the glass and cup. He handed the glass to Lupin then sat down beside him.
“I love kids, and today was great, but they are tiring. Reminds of when I used to babysit my godson. He’d come and stay sometimes, and when he left the house would look like a tornado had been through it and I’d be just wrecked.”
“I can imagine that. I bet he had you wrapped around his little finger.”
Sirius laughed. Lupin was right on the mark.
“Yeah, pretty much. But I loved looking after him. I miss him a lot. Although he’s a teenager now, so I’m missing all the awkward, moody years. Lily said it was very cunning of me to move countries just at the time he started to get grumpy and difficult. I mean, she’s joking, of course.”
“Lily… that’s your friend James’s wife, right?”
“Yeah, although she’s as much my friend as James is now. We were all at med school together, but James got sidetracked playing cricket and never finished. So Lily and I stuck it out together. She’s great, down to earth when James has his head in the clouds.”
Lupin smiled and took a sip of his whisky.
“So…” Sirius continued, “if it’s okay to ask, how did you get so good with kids?”
“I’m not, really.”
“Yeah, you are. Especially the little ones, I reckon. Like with Mahdi’s family, remember?”
Lupin frowned, and for a moment Sirius thought he wasn’t going to answer. Sirius was about to change the subject, but then Lupin gave a sigh and began to speak.
“I’ve got a younger brother and sisters. Quite a bit younger, so I used to look after them when… yeah… looked after them quite a bit. I’d take them with me to the library, read books to them, go to the park… that kind of thing. They were pretty sweet, really.”
Sirius didn’t miss the sad, almost wistful expression that flickered across Lupin’s face before he raised his glass to his lips and swallowed a large mouthful of the whisky.
“All grown up now, of course. And we live in different worlds… haven’t seen any of them in years…”
Lupin shrugged and looked away. After hesitating for a moment, Sirius reached over and put his hand on Lupin’s knee.
“That’s hard. Do you miss them?”
Lupin shrugged again.
“Not really. I…”
He hesitated and then shook his head, looking away from Sirius.
“Hey…” Sirius said, squeezing his knee slightly. “You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I’m not going to push you. I just like talking with you.”
Lupin nodded and drank another large mouthful of whisky.
“Did you want to see a picture of my godson? I’ve got pictures on my phone.”
Lupin’s shoulders relaxed in relief.
“Yeah, sure, that’d be great.”
Sirius pulled out his phone and found a picture, one from just before he’d left for Yemen.
“Here, this is Harry. This was just before I left England. He’s thirteen here.”
Sirius handed over the phone with the picture of Harry. It was very typical of the boy – hair just like his father’s, in a wild halo around his head, his mother’s vivid green eyes, skin tone somewhere between the two of them. He had the same infectious grin as his father, but was closer to his mother in temperament, forthright and kind.
“There’s more too. I’ve got a few from when he was younger.”
Sirius took the phone back and flicked through until he found a few favourites he’d made sure were on his phone before he’d left England – a gap-toothed grin from primary school, as a toddler, half asleep and sucking his thumb, a wide-eyed stare from when he was a baby.
“He’s a cute kid,” Lupin said.
“Isn’t he,” Sirius replied, smiling. “I’m so lucky to have had him in my life. We’re pretty close, because James was away quite a bit when Harry was young… played cricket for England so he was touring, and I helped Lily out when he was away.”
“Yeah,” Lupin said, the first real smile on his face that Sirius had seen that evening. “I can see how much you love him. Your face is just lit up.”
“Oh… Sorry, I’m raving, aren’t I?”
“Don’t apologise. It’s… endearing.”
Sirius felt his face flush pink and Lupin smiled at him.
“You get like that when you talk about your work at the camp too,” Lupin continued. “I can see how much it means to you.”
“I… yeah, I suppose it does. It’s funny… I think I said to you before, I came out here for a change, and I think I was kind of running away… but it doesn’t feel like that now. I feel as if… I can’t quite put my finger on it, it’s like I’ve got my sense of purpose back. In my head, I know it’s a drop in the ocean, and yet… it still feels like it’s worth it.”
“I get that. I think… if you look at the whole picture, the whole country or region, it does seem futile… but if you look more closely, you get a different perspective. There’s a maxim in photography, about getting closer… a famous photgrapher once said ‘if your photos aren’t good enough, you’re not close enough’. He was a war photographer too… sorry… I’m rambling, it’s just, if you think of things at a certain scale, you can make a difference. Like… the kids, today, did you see their faces when they tasted the apricots? Or when they saw the pictures that the drone took of them, on the laptop. They’re only moments, but they’re moments of magic.”
The heaviness fell away from Lupin’s face as he spoke, and Sirius couldn’t help smiling.
“I think you’re right. It is like that. Do you remember, the first time we met, the man with the injured girl… I mean, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of landmine injuries a year in Iraq, many resulting in amputation… the statistics tell such a grim story, but for that girl… well, there’s a huge difference between losing one leg and losing both. She’s been fitted for a prosthetic leg now, we’ve been able to arrange to have one made for her. She’ll be able to walk around soon. That’s going to be amazing.”
“That’s it, exactly. Things like that make a huge difference to a family. If you look at that scale, you can see the difference you’re making. It’s just…”
Lupin sighed, and suddenly the heaviness was back.
“It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to keep focused on that. Everything starts to add up.”
Lupin sighed again, and Sirius reached across to take his hand.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
Lupin nodded and drank the last of his whisky, before putting the glass down on the floor..
“Yeah, just… I think I mentioned, sometimes I need a break from it. I… I’ve reached that point. I’ll be heading away, tomorrow, I’m going to Jordan for a bit.”
Sirius felt his stomach sink. Yes, he was grateful that Lupin had kept his word and told him that he was leaving, but it was still hard to realise that he was going. Sirius was going to miss him so much.
“Oh, oh, right, yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
Sirius shook his head.
“Don’t be… I always knew you’d be leaving soon, and I’m glad you told me. But I will miss you.”
“Yeah… I’ll miss you too.”
Lupin gave a wan smile and looked down. He seemed to be thinking about something, so Sirius just waited, holding on to his hand.
“I was thinking… “ Lupin said, after a long pause. “I was wondering… do you ever get to take a break from here? Take a week or two off?”
He glanced up and met Sirius’s eye, and Sirius’s stomach flipped. He tried to keep his reply casual, as if he wasn’t desperate to shout yes, yes, YES!
“Um… I can. I haven’t so far, but I probably should. Yeah, so… yes, I can. Why?”
“I was wondering… maybe you could come to Jordan… for a week or two. We could…”
Lupin shrugged and looked away, colour slowly rising up his neck.
“Oh, oh Remus, I would love to come to Jordan and spend some time with you there. That would be… just amazing.”
A smile slowly bloomed on Lupin’s face.
“Oh, yeah, good. I… yeah.”
Sirius leaned in to brush a kiss across his lips, then pulled back. Lupin was still looking down, to where Sirius was holding his hand.
“We you worried about asking me?” Sirius said.
“Yeah, a bit.”
“Will I be able to stay with you, or will that cause a problem?”
Lupin shook his head.
“I don’t think it will be a problem. I’ll be renting an apartment. You can stay with me there. Nobody needs to know… where you sleep.”
“That sounds lovely,” Sirius said, unable to keep the smile from his face.
“And we can look at the tourist sites and things like that. There’s a lot of amazing history there. And great food. It’s… it’s easier to live there, you know, it’s peaceful… safe.”
Sirius nodded. Although the Kurdish region of Iraq was much safer than cities like Baghdad, whenever he left the camp, McGonagall always reminded him to be careful. He was so used to it that he barely noticed, but the thought of being somewhere that he didn’t need to think about the possibility of a bomb going off did sound wonderful.
“We’d still have to be careful… we can’t be seen to be together… we wouldn’t get arrested but it’s still… difficult. But there wouldn’t be anything strange about two friends exploring the city, me showing you around. Yeah… think it would be… yeah, lovely.”
“Remus, I… that just sounds great. I can’t wait.”
Lupin glanced down again.
“It might be best… to give it a few weeks. Let me get my head sorted out a bit.”
“Yeah, of course. It will take some time for me to organise the time off, anyway. They’ll need to get someone to cover for me. Your phone… will I still be able to text and call when you’re there?”
Lupin nodded.
“Yeah. And we can sort out details closer to the time. But I just… I just didn’t want to leave without a plan to see you again.”
He gave Sirius a hesitant smile and Sirius felt his stomach flip again. It was so much more than Sirius had hoped for from Lupin – he’d still been half-convinced he’d sneak away without even telling Sirius he was leaving. Sirius smiled back.
“I… I’m glad. I’ve enjoyed this time we’ve spent together.”
He lifted his free hand and touched Lupin’s cheek, brushing his fingers over the contours of his face – the curve of his brow, the flat of his cheek, the ridge of his nose. Lupin’s face was weathered, and he had a few scars, but that only served to enhance his appearance. When he was younger, he’d probably have been pretty, but perhaps a bit bland. Now, he was utterly gorgeous.
“You know, you are so beautiful,” Sirius said, moving in to kiss him.
In that moment, it was as if the air in the tent had frozen. Lupin pulled away.
“I’m really not, you know,” he said, his voice flat.
Sirius dropped his hand to rest on Lupin’s shoulder, and took a slow breath. He hadn’t taken Lupin to be someone who was insecure about his appearance. Sirius wanted to disagree with him, to tell him he was wrong, but he’d spent enough years being insecure himself to know that wouldn’t help. He was tempted to ask what was wrong, but had a feeling that he might scare Lupin off. So he took another slow breath and forced himself to smile.
“Oh, do you prefer to be appreciated for your personality?” Sirius said, trying to keep his voice light. “Because I do think you’re amazing. Just… the way you understood exactly what I meant, about working here, for example. We’re on the same wavelength for a lot of things, I think.”
Lupin looked away and Sirius held his breath. Finally, Lupin nodded.
“Yeah, I feel that too,” he said, glancing up and giving Sirius a smile which didn’t reach his eyes.
He leaned in to kiss Sirius then, lifting his free hand to the back of Sirius’s head, pulling him closer. There was an urgency in Lupin’s kiss, almost desperation, as if he needed to lose himself in the moment, and Sirius did his best to oblige, releasing Lupin’s hand and pulling him in even closer, holding him more tightly, tasting the hunger on his lips and the whisky on his tongue and hearing him give a a faint moan. He released Lupin’s hand and snaked his arm around Lupin’s waist, untucking his shirt and sliding his hand up his back. He pressed himself closer, but it wasn’t enough.
“Lie back, yeah?” he said, pressing his hand to the middle of Lupin’s chest and following as he yielded. He moved forward, taking his weight on his elbow, leaning over Lupin, kissing his mouth and then moving to his jaw, his neck, his throat. But something wasn’t right, something he couldn’t put his finger on. He stilled and pulled back.
“What… what’s wrong?” Lupin asked, opening his eyes and looking at Sirius with a worried frown.
“I… it doesn’t feel quite like… like you’re in the mood right now.”
“No, no, I’m fine.”
Lupin’s denial was unconvincing, and Sirius knew he’d been right to stop.
“It’s okay,” he said, reaching down to brush his fingers across Lupin’s forehead. “It’s been a long day. If you’re not feeling it tonight…”
Lupin turned his head away.
“I… I’m sorry… I think I’m… in a bit of a funny mood tonight. I should go… I…”
“Hey,” Sirius said, stroking his hand down the side of Lupin’s face. “You don’t have to go. You know I just like spending time with you.
Lupin shook his head, but didn’t make any attempt to move out from under Sirius. He just looked sad. Sirius leaned closer for a moment and brushed a kiss on his forehead.
“It’s late, let’s get some rest,” he said. “Spoon?”
Lupin closed his eyes and sighed.
“Yeah, okay.”
Sirius stood and kicked off his shoes, then stripped down to his boxers. He glanced over to find that Lupin had removed his shoes and socks, and nothing else. Sirius suddenly felt under-dressed, but thought it would be worse if he tried putting clothes back on.
Lupin lay down on the bed, wriggling over to the back, indicating to Sirius to lie in front of him, without looking Sirius in the eye. Sirius lay down too, feeling Lupin’s warm body behind him. Lupin slid his arm around Sirius’s waist and kissed the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry, Sirius” he said.
“Don’t be. This is… We’ve had an amazing day and we’re both tired now. This is the perfect way to end the day. Do you have a long drive tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Not sure how far I’ll get. It’s likely to take me a few days to get there. Driving conditions aren’t easy in some places.”
“You’ll drive the whole way?”
“Yeah. I’ll head south first. The shortest route’s through Syria, but it’s not the best way to go if you just want to drive through. So I’ll go through Iraq, drive a bit further and have an easier journey.”
“Be careful, yeah?”
Lupin gave a faint snort of amusement.
“I’m still alive, aren’t I? I’m always careful.”
Sirius wasn’t sure what Lupin’s definition of ‘careful’ was, since he seemed to spend most of his time in war zones. But Sirius could admit to himself that telling Lupin to be careful was probably slightly silly.
“Yeah, I know. I just worry.”
Lupin tightened his grip around Sirius’s waist.
“You’re sweet, you know,” he said.
“Really? You think so?” Sirius said.
“Mmm. Is… is that weird?”
“No… but it’s not how people usually describe me. A lot of people find me a bit intense.”
“Yeah, you are intense… but that’s… I like that.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmm.”
They lay in silence for a bit, Sirius listening to Lupin’s breathing as he relaxed and it began to slow.
“I… I’ll give it a few days, so it’s not so obvious what I’m planning to do, then I’ll talk to Minnie about taking a break. There won’t be any trouble getting some time off. She’s keen on making sure her staff don’t burn out.”
“Yeah, that’s great. I… I’m looking forward to it.”
“Me too. Will we have a whole proper bed there?”
Lupin gave a soft chuckle.
“Yeah. We won’t know what to do with ourselves.”
“Oh, I’ve got a few ideas, Remus.”
Lupin pressed another kiss to the back of Sirius’s neck.
“Yeah, okay,” he said.
Vaguely, in the back of his mind, there was a nagging doubt about what it would really be like to spend two whole weeks with Lupin. Sirius wondered if he’d spend the whole time trying to figure out what not to say, negotiating Lupin’s mysterious boundaries. That might be alright for a short time, but it wasn’t any basis for a relationship. At some point, they’d have to be more honest with each other. Still, Sirius could see that Lupin really was making an effort. He hadn’t run away like he had before. He was trying. Perhaps, for now, that was enough.