Chapter Text
The Shiratorizawa Academy campus was ridiculous. Tendou stopped at yet another sign post on his way to the dorms, shook his head at the scope of the place.
It was a major change from his public middle school, but that’s what Tendou was looking for. He’d already changed his hair thanks to the transformative power of hair gel and gotten boring clothes without cartoon characters or anything interesting on them, and he would’ve gotten a piercing too, had his mom let him.
A new school, a new team, a new Tendou who was cool and had friends. Having a roommate would be the perfect place to start.
“Here’s your key.”
It was as simple as they came, silver with his bedroom number written on it with permanent marker. Tendou accepted it from the dorm coordinator and followed her eyes to the map on the counter.
“We’re here,” she tapped a purple fingernail, in the school’s shade, against the red circle marking the hall, “and over here’s the third floor, and that right there’s your room.”
She pointed him towards the best stairwell to take from there and welcomed him to the Academy.
“Uh, thanks!”
“No problem.” She even smiled at him.
So far, a great day.
“Do you wanna know who you’re rooming with?” She didn’t wait for his answer before turning towards her computer screen. “You probably won’t know him, but that way you can know his name beforehand.”
“Um.” He had to stop with the ‘uhs’ and the ‘ums’. Part of his new personality was confidence, and confident people didn’t say ‘um’ at the beginning of every sentence. “Yeah, sure.”
“Oh! You’re here on a volleyball scholarship, aren’t you?”
“Yes?” Another thing he wanted to stop. That could’ve been an affirmation. Confident people didn’t ask when they could confirm.
“That tracks. You’re rooming with Ushiwaka.” She had expected more of a reaction, but Tendou wasn’t in any condition to react. “You know who he is, right?”
“Yeah,” he tried to recover, “of course. Thanks.”
“No problem, honey. Have a nice day!”
Tendou was still feeling a little dazed, but he hoped he’d managed a smile as he said, “You too.”
He scolded himself for his reaction as he made his way towards his bedroom. Ushijima Wakatoshi didn’t look very friendly, but people thought he didn’t either, so who was Tendou to judge?
He’d never played against Shiratorizawa, but he’d certainly watched them. Ushiwaka was amazing. He was imposing. He was hot. Tendou was bad enough at interacting with people he didn’t find hot, so that fact just added to the bad start he was starting to fear to his high school experience.
The corridor was dizzying, two rows of identical off-white doors that seemed to go on forever. He found room 315 and stood before it. Deep breath.
Nope, not enough.
He let go of his suitcase and pressed the nail of his index against his thumb’s fingertip, then his middle, ring and pinky, and then undid the trip back towards the start. He did that four more times, for a nice and neat total of five, and forced himself to bring the key to the lock.
The bedroom was empty. He’d been panicking over nothing.
Tendou went in and looked at the space that would house him for the next three years. A bunk bed to his left, two desks on the right side, and two more doors hidden behind the one to enter the room. One gave him shelves with clothes already on them, the other, empty ones. The bottom bunk had been already claimed too, if the volleyball next to the pillow and the sitting wrinkles on the covers were any indication.
He opened the curtains to let natural light in. There was a lot of sun left for that April afternoon. Since the desks seemed empty, he dropped his backpack on the one closest to the window.
Tendou had some time before the meeting with his new volleyball team, so he started to unpack.
. . .
“The dorm’s gonna be fucking chaos,” Semi groaned as they stood up from the bench they’d been hanging out at, looking at the horses to pass the time before the club meeting.
“Like this day every year,” agreed Reon, turning to Ushijima. “How are you feeling about your new roommate?”
As he did about most changes in his life. “Nervous.”
“Yeah, you look it,” Semi said.
“Do I?”
“Not at all. I wish I had your poker face, man.”
“Did you find out who your roommate is?”
“Tendou Satori.” Ushijima looked at his bedroom window. The curtains were open. He’d missed him. “I don’t know him.”
“Well, he can’t be worse than the other one.” Semi hummed in thought. “I feel like I’ve heard that name before, though.”
“Washijo mentioned the new players, you just don’t pay attention to him.”
“He’s always yelling," he told Reon with a pained face. "I’ve learned to tune him out and now I can’t stop.”
“Well, fix that,” Reon advised with a few pats to Semi’s shoulder. “I’m pretty sure he’s that Guess Monster guy. A middle blocker.”
“Oh, I know who you mean. The scary-looking redhead?”
“He was really good.”
Ushijima still didn’t know who they were talking about. “Did we play against his school?”
“No, but we watched a game of his.”
“I hope he’s cool,” Semi said. “In that match he seemed kind of apart from the team, remember?” Reon agreed with him. “After, too. I don’t think he really celebrated with the others after they won.”
“Maybe he’s not too social.”
“They matched them up well, huh?” Semi slapped Ushijima’s back. “Be nice, okay?”
“I’m nice.”
“Yeah, I know. But people sometimes don’t, so, you know. Be welcoming.” He smiled. “Don’t be too serious.”
“I’ll try.”
Reon laughed and nudged Semi. “He’s just going to be himself, man. Let him.”
. . .
Tendou was pushing his suitcase under the bunk bed, next to the other one, when he heard the lock turning.
“Hi!”
“Hello.”
Tendou held out a trembling hand. “Tendou Satori, nice to meet you.”
“Ushijima Wakatoshi.” He gave it a steady shake. “Nice to meet you too.”
Tendou smiled. Ushijima only nodded.
“Uh, I left my suitcase down there, is that okay?”
“Yes.”
Ushijima closed the door and Tendou didn’t know what to do with himself, so he went towards his new chair.
“That should be my desk.”
Tendou froze. His tone hadn’t been any more serious than before, but Tendou couldn’t help thinking he’d done something wrong.
“Uh… Sure.” He moved his backpack to the one on the right and sat on that chair. “Sorry.”
“That way I won’t bother you.”
“What do you mean?”
He raised a hand. “I’m left-handed. If we sat the other way around, we’d be hitting our elbows all the time.”
“I knew that.” What a creepy thing to say, Satori. “I mean, because you’re kinda famous for being left-handed. I just didn’t put it together now, sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.”
“Sorry. I mean– Sorry.” Just shut up.
Ushijima sat on his bed and looked at his phone. Tendou’s was charging on the desk that was no longer his, so he moved it to the other socket.
He’d always been bad at silence so, like the Tendou he was trying to stop being, he started to blabber.
“You shouldn’t keep that there,” he said, pointing at the volleyball on his bed, “it’s bad for your skin.”
Ushijima nodded and left it on the floor. Again, he didn’t look upset, but Tendou thought he must be. A familiar feeling washed over him: he regretted speaking.
“Are you okay with sleeping up there?”
Tendou was the one nodding that time, trying out the cool, nonchalant gesture. It gave off more self-confidence than his out-loud hesitation, and it still left him time to think of a cool, nonchalant answer to match.
“Sure.”
In an unsurprising turn of events, Ushijima nodded. A guy of few words. They were so different. Making friends might end up being even harder than Tendou had expected.
“It’s almost time for the meeting.”
Ushijima grabbed the team’s training tracksuit and started to take his current gym clothes off. Tendou turned sharply and stared at the blank wall. Hearing the ruffle of fabric wasn’t great for his imagination either, so he unlocked his phone to focus on something else.
“You have to wear the uniform. You’re wearing street clothes.”
Tendou looked down, like he’d just realized. “I might change in the bathroom, actually.”
“I can leave if that’s a problem.” There was no polite way to say yes. He seemed to notice. “I’ll leave.”
Well, that’s one way to do it.
Tendou changed into the black t-shirt and purple gym shorts, put on the Shiratorizawa white and purple jacket that was a different shade from the pants, which made him irrationally mad, and opened the door.
Ushijima was standing there.
“Oh. I didn’t know you were gonna wait for me.”
“Do you know how to get to the gym?”
“No, but there’s signs and stuff, you didn’t have to…” Stop. Cool, confident people didn’t look for excuses for others not to have nice gestures with them. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Tendou had feared a bad start to his time in Shiratorizawa, but he was feeling better about it now. Their coach didn’t seem too friendly either, but he’d been wrong about Ushijima, so maybe it was about to happen again.
Fifteen minutes of yelling and threats proved him wrong about being wrong.
Coach Washijo made the first-years introduce themselves to each other and their upperclassmen. Tendou managed to go through his name, school and position without stammering, and he felt a little proud of himself for that.
When everyone was done, Washijo ended the meeting. Tendou was heading out when Ushijima asked if he was leaving.
“Yeah?”
“We’re staying to practice.”
“I thought he said we could go.”
“Yes, it’s independent practice.” The first change in his expression Tendou saw, and it was a slight frown. “You can leave.”
He’d been given a chance to stay and bond with his new team and now he was being dismissed. He was getting that bad start after all.
“Okay, yeah. Bye.”
Tendou turned around and stared at the door with regret. But it wasn’t the door’s fault, it was Tendou’s. Years of being told he wasn’t welcome hadn’t prepared him for that situation and he’d fumbled it. Now, no one would want to be his friend, because he was involuntarily isolating himself, because he didn’t know how to backtrack. He was going to be all alone, all over again.
“Hey, you’re going?”
Tendou turned to Semi, one half of the pair that had greeted him when he’d walked in with Ushijima.
“Uh, I don’t know. I’m kinda tired, I guess.” He really was, but he’d ignore that for the chance to make friends. But he’d already said no, kind of. “Maybe tomorrow?”
“Okay, but don’t run away again,” Reon said with a warm smile. “I want to practice against your blocks. You’re really good.”
Alright. He’d try something new. Fake confidence, I choose you. “Well, if you’re gonna flatter me and everything, I guess I’ll have to stay.”
“Great.”
Semi turned to the other first-years. “How many are we?” He tapped a finger against the air as he counted. “Oh, perfect. Three-versus-three?”
Reon called, “I want to go against Tendou.”
“I’ll go with him,” Ushijima said.
“Hey, Yamagata, was it?” He nodded at Semi. “Choose a group.”
“I’ll play with them.”
“Cool. Jin, you’re with Reon and me!”
The practice match went well. Tendou’s team won, and they seemed to like him. The idea that they were just being polite, or even pretending to be nice to him with some evil ulterior motive, was well and present in his mind, but he tried to enjoy the afternoon without letting his guard down.
They parted ways to shower and get dressed for dinner, and Tendou took his clean clothes to the bathroom to avoid another awkward scene.
The cafeteria was what he’d been most afraid of. Lunch had been one of the worst parts of middle school, eating alone when he was lucky, being picked on while he tried to when he wasn’t. But he was standing in line with Ushijima, and Semi waved them over to their table just as Reon sat next to him and, as scary as it was, Tendou found himself thinking of them as his friends.
“How was your first day at Shiratorizawa?”
Tendou was still working on a bite of the mediocre piece of chicken he’d been served, so he used that to his advantage. No hesitating aloud, no unnecessary questions. He could do it.
“It was good. I thought I’d never find the dorms, though.”
“Yeah, this place is confusing at first,” Reon agreed.
“You were both here for middle school too, right?”
“Yup.” Semi raised an eyebrow at him. “And how’s Wakatoshi for a roommate?”
“Uh, great.” Very convincing, Satori. “He’s really nice.”
“Hey, you listened to me!” Semi seemed genuinely surprised at what Tendou had said, but when he turned to him, he was back to his usual serious expression.
Semi wasn’t the same kind of serious as Ushijima. His vibe leaned towards cool and unbothered, always ready to flash a sardonic smile. That was pretty much the personality Tendou was aiming for.
He added, “He doesn’t talk much, but don’t take it personally.”
“I think I talk too much, so I hope that’s not a problem,” Tendou answered with a laugh, to mask his fear of it actually being a problem.
Ushijima’s face didn’t change.
“I think you’ll be good for him,” said Reon. “I think they really got it right with the roommate this time around.”
“Did something happen with another roommate?”
Reon stayed quiet, looking at Ushijima like he’d maybe said too much.
Ushijima didn’t look upset. His tone was as neutral as it always seemed to be when he explained, “We didn’t get along. We were too different.”
Tendou let out another nervous chuckle. “Oh. Okay.”
Semi said what Tendou was thinking. “You two seem pretty fucking different too, but don’t worry about it. This guy just couldn’t stand him.”
Tendou glanced at Ushijima and he lowered his eyes to his dinner.
“He kinda snapped one day,” Semi continued. “Some people don’t know how to deal with personalities different from theirs.”
Tendou was still crafting his new personality, so he’d adapt. That had been his plan anyway.
He said, “I think we’ll get along.”
Ushijima looked into his eyes and Tendou felt like he’d been shoved from the intensity of it.
“I think so too,” Semi said, oblivious to how Tendou was about to cough his heart out onto his tray.
. . .
It was June, time for the playoffs for the first tournament of the school year. Ushijima had been named as a starter to play in them, the only first-year to make the initial roster, but his friends had all had their time to shine.
Semi had gone out to let the main setter rest in a couple of matches, and he’d even made a service ace when they called him in as a pinch server. Reon had replaced some of the spikers here and there, especially to help with defense. They’d never made him or anyone else replace Ushijima, though, and he couldn’t help but be proud of himself for it. He’d played every game from start to finish and they’d won every game 2:0.
Tendou had been sent out the most out of the three of them. In the semifinal, he’d been traded for one of the middle blockers halfway through the first set and left to play the rest of the game.
He was interesting to watch.
In practice matches, when it was just the team, he was good, but he seemed almost apologetic after blocking someone. Now, even Ushijima with his poor people-reading skills could tell that he was enjoying himself.
Even though he smiled all the time, Tendou’s grin as he roofed a spiker was a different look, one Ushijima hadn’t seen yet. There was something captivating about it, and he found himself following Tendou with his eyes instead of the ball when the other team was going to attack. More often than not, if Tendou was in the front line, it was the same thing. He always seemed to get to it, even when Ushijima and everyone else fell for the fake-outs.
They were one game away from going to Nationals. Ushijima wanted to win, like every other time, because he worked hard to be as close to perfect as possible and he liked proof that he was doing a good job of it. But he’d found a new reason.
Tendou had never played in a National tournament. Tendou looked the happiest while playing. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt important to Ushijima to do his best so Tendou could keep playing.
. . .
Tendou hadn’t been surprised when Ushijima had been the only first-year to play as a starter, but he’d been surprised alright when Washijo told him he’d be one too, for the final game. His friends had congratulated him, he’d even cried a little when he’d called his parents to tell them.
He’d always loved playing volleyball, and playing in such a good team was amazing in and of itself, but playing with Ushijima was the cherry on top of an already perfect cake. It was one thing to witness a Shiratorizawa game from the outside. It was very different to be in there, to get a one-touch that would end up becoming a spike from Ushijima.
Tendou’s favorite thing in volleyball was to roof a player and turn a block into a kill. But where he used to be annoyed at having to do soft blocks, now, he almost wanted to do them. Because it gave Ushijima a chance to spike, and Ushijima was beautiful to watch.
He was at the net, talking to a couple of angry-looking guys on the team they were about to play against.
“What’s going on over there?”
Semi snorted loudly and Reon simply answered, “Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime.”
Tendou knew who they were, but he didn’t get Semi’s reaction.
“Do we… hate them?”
“Oikawa fucking hates Wakatoshi,” explained Semi, “and Wakatoshi thinks he should’ve come to Shiratorizawa because he’s an amazing setter. And I try to pretend I’m not hurt by it.”
“Well, I dislike him already. And you’re a great setter.”
“Thanks, dude.”
It was time to line up and start the match. Tendou had already forgotten he was a starter, and Washijo made sure he and everyone else in the stands knew that if he was also going to stand there doing nothing during the game, he’d be out of the court and out of the team before he could finish apologizing for being useless.
Tendou jogged to his spot and stood like his teammates, showing his jersey number. He looked for Oikawa, who was standing in the back. He’d be serving first.
Oikawa met his gaze with a grimace of disgust, but inside of the volleyball court, that’s exactly what fueled Tendou. He smiled at him. Oikawa rolled his eyes.
Shiratorizawa won the game. They were going to Nationals.
. . .
Ushijima opened the window, but he was pretty sure only hot July air was coming in, so he closed it again shortly. Yes, it’s somehow less suffocating when it’s closed.
He heard the lock turning, but he didn’t look up from the homework he was doing. He knew who it was.
“Guess what’s behind my back!”
Ushijima studied Tendou. “Your hand.”
“Well, you’re technically right, but what am I holding?”
Nothing peeked out from behind Tendou. However, there was a stain on his chest, and Ushijima found matching ones on the corners of his mouth.
“Chocolate ice cream.”
Tendou’s eyebrows shot up. “How the fuck did you guess the flavor?”
“You’ve said it’s your favorite several times. And some fell on your t-shirt.” He followed Ushijima’s eyes and cursed.
It was so hot that day, Ushijima found himself feeling jealous.
“Can I try it?”
“Sure.” He brought the paper cup out of its hiding place. “I don’t have another spoon, though.”
“I don’t care.”
“Alright then.”
Ushijima accepted the half-finished cup and took a spoonful. It was so refreshing. It was the best thing he’d ever eaten.
“I’m, uh, gonna get another t-shirt.”
Ushijima had been absent-mindedly looking at him as he enjoyed the cold of the ice cream, so he turned his chair back towards the table.
“Can I have another bite?”
“You can finish it if you like it.”
“You don’t?”
“Meh. It’s okay. I made the mistake of learning how to make ice cream, so now I can make it exactly how I like it and every other chocolate ice cream feels lacking.”
Ushijima wasn’t sure he’d heard right. “You know how to make ice cream? From scratch?”
He’d turned around instinctively, since he was speaking to Tendou. It was something his mother had been very insistent upon when he was a child, that one should look people in the eye while speaking to them, and he’d worked very hard to build the habit.
So he found Tendou slipping his arms into a clean t-shirt, angling his head into its neck.
“Yeah. I like cooking.”
Ushijima would never have stared at anyone while they got dressed, but since Tendou was so particular about changing in private, his curiosity got the better of him.
“Is that lame?”
Tendou looked normal, no scars or anything else he might want to hide from people. Maybe I missed it, Ushijima thought when the fabric fell over his back. Right before Tendou glanced back and caught him looking.
He startled and crashed against the closet. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry.”
Tendou turned around again, started folding the dirty t-shirt.
“Is there a reason?”
Tendou didn’t reply, didn’t seem to have heard him, but he must have. Maybe Ushijima wasn’t explaining himself correctly.
“I don’t understand why you care that people see you change your clothes. I don’t think anyone looks in the locker room.”
Tendou put his laundry bag back in his closet, still silent.
Ushijima wondered if he should drop it, but he wanted to know. Tendou could always say he didn’t want to answer.
“Why do you do it?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t really like my body, so…” He chuckled in a way that didn’t sound like his normal laughs. “I don’t know, I feel like I shouldn’t… subject anyone else to looking at it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’m ugly.”
“You’re not ugly.”
“Fine. Unpleasant to look at.”
“You’re not unpleasant to look at.”
Tendou rested against the bunk bed ladder and crossed his arms. “Well, look at me and then look at you. One of us looks good and the other one doesn’t.”
Ushijima turned to the small rectangular mirror resting on the side of Tendou’s desk before realizing he probably hadn’t meant it literally. But he saw himself, and then he looked at Tendou, and he knew he’d meant Ushijima was the one who looked good and he the one who didn’t, but he thought they both looked okay.
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t think you’re fishing for compliments, but in case you are, I’ll just tell you.” He swept an arm through the air as if presenting Ushijima to a crowd. “You’re beautiful.”
“So are you.”
Tendou snorted.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Well,” he joined his hands behind his neck, “you could’ve given me any other compliment and I… probably wouldn’t have believed it either, but that one? Please.”
“I don’t think a lot about who’s beautiful and who isn’t, but I’d say you’re beautiful.”
“Yeah? Name one beautiful thing about me.”
Tendou had called himself ugly in opposition to beautiful, unpleasant to look at as a synonym for ugly. But Ushijima thought the sight of Tendou was pleasant. He felt happier when he was looking at Tendou than when he wasn’t. So he said the first thing about Tendou he could think of that made him happy.
“I like your mouth.”
Tendou looked something close to angry. Ushijima hadn’t ever seen him look like that.
“Did I say something wrong?”
His face softened at the question. “Did you mean it?”
“I don’t say things I don’t mean. Sometimes they don’t come out like I want them to, but I don’t lie.”
“It’s probably what I hate the most about myself.”
That was truly shocking for Ushijima. “Why?”
Tendou looked as surprised as Ushijima felt. It took him a little while, but he said, “Why do you like it?”
His mother would say it was rude to answer a question with another question, but Ushijima didn’t mind. Sometimes people needed more time to prepare their answers. He could always ask again.
He took the mirror and stood next to him. Ushijima could see Tendou reflected on it, next to Ushijima’s ear. He looked nervous, lips pursed.
“Relax your face.”
His features went neutral, but his eyes were darting around, looking at himself in bits and pieces, never resting at the same place for too long.
“Even when you’re not trying to do anything with your face, you’re smiling.”
“Uh, yeah. It’s creepy.”
“It’s not creepy. I like it. Look.” Ushijima moved the mirror slightly, so he was the one being reflected. He waited for a moment and then gestured at his own mouth. “I always look angry. People are scared of me because I look mad all the time.”
“Well, people are scared of me because I look creepy all the time.”
“You don’t look creepy.” Ushijima turned the mirror again. Now, it showed almost exactly half of each of their faces. “You look nice. You look kind and happy.”
There was no retort. Ushijima kept looking at Tendou’s reflection and, the more he did, the more beautiful Tendou’s mouth seemed. He would’ve given anything for smiles to come that easy to him.
He turned to look at him in real life and, as he watched him and thought of the kind of people who he understood were considered beautiful, he was even more convinced that his mouth looked objectively beautiful. His lips looked soft, fuller than Ushijima’s. His lower lip quivered and Ushijima felt something flutter in his chest along with it. A tear cut a path across Tendou’s mouth.
He’d managed to say the wrong thing again. “I’m sorry.” He reached to wipe that tear off, but Tendou got there first. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I know.” He gave him a small smile while he dried his face. “You look very serious all the time, but I wouldn’t say you look scary. You never looked scary to me.”
“You look scary sometimes. In a good way,” he added at Tendou’s alarmed expression. “Playing volleyball.”
“Well, you’re scary too, when you’re playing volleyball.”
“We make a good team.”
Tendou smiled, wider this time. “Yeah, I guess.”
“I like your nickname too. Guess Monster.”
“I don’t,” he muttered, looking sad again.
“Why?”
“They called me a monster for years because I look creepy, and the meaning of my name didn’t help.”
Tendou had a beautiful meaning. “Heaven child?”
“No, Satori. Mind-reading monster.”
“Sometimes I believe you really can read minds.”
Tendou laughed a little, leaning back on the bunk bed, resting his head against his own mattress. “Yeah, sometimes I do too. But only playing volleyball.”
“I think Guess Monster sounds cool.”
“Okay. Maybe it’s not that bad.”
“Tendou Satori.” He turned to look at Ushijima. His gaze dropped to Tendou’s lips, but he didn’t want to risk upsetting him again, so he raised it to his eyes. “Sort of opposite names.”
“Ushijima Wakatoshi… Actually, I don’t have much commentary on yours.”
“There’s not much to mine.”
“Sort of opposite to you.”
When Ushijima asked him to explain, Tendou let out another laugh that fell flat to his ears.
“Well, when I met you, I thought you seemed… Don’t take this the wrong way, but… simple?” Tendou frowned, tried, “Straight-forward, I think is what I mean. I misunderstood you saying things exactly as you think them as you saying everything you think. But now I think you keep a lot to yourself. You’re not quiet because you have nothing to say, you’re just… quiet.”
Ushijima didn’t know how to react to that. It was strange, the way he felt seen. He was stared at, more often than not. Gawked at. But, somehow, Tendou saw him.
“I rambled. What I meant is that there’s not much to your name, but there’s a lot more than meets the eye to you.”
Since Ushijima was still just staring at Tendou in wonder, he let out another of his nervous, apologetic chuckles.
“It came out rude, didn’t it? I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”
“No, I… I like that. How you worded it. That was beautiful.”
His chuckle got a little higher. Tendou moved away from their bunk bed, taking the mirror out of Ushijima’s hand and leaving it face down on his desk.
“Hey, do you think they’d let me use the kitchen here?”
“Maybe. We can go ask. Why?”
He turned with a new grin, which did feel real to Ushijima. “I wanna make ice cream.”
A deal was struck. The kitchen staff would let them cook there under two conditions: they’d clean after themselves and they wouldn’t get in their way while they worked.
Tendou and Ushijima went back to their room and made a shopping list. Tendou had burst into laughter when Ushijima asked if ice wasn’t an ingredient of ice cream, but it didn’t feel like he’d laughed at him. He’d acted as if Ushijima had said something funny and, even though he made Reon and Semi laugh sometimes, it felt special when it came from Tendou.
The next day was just as hot as the one before, maybe more, and Ushijima couldn’t wait to have homemade ice cream. When he found out the process would take at least five hours, he tried to not let his disappointment show. It would be worth it. He had full faith in Tendou.
After telling him that Ushijima wouldn’t trust himself to boil water, that’s exactly what Tendou had him do, to melt the chocolate in some fancy French way he’d asked him to repeat twice already.
“Au bain-marie. You boil water in a pot and put another one over it with the chocolate pieces.”
Tendou ended up having to do both of those things before pressing a wooden spoon to Ushijima’s hand with instructions to stir the chocolate until it liquified. Ushijima moved it to his left hand and started his task.
By the time his mission was accomplished, Tendou was done with his mix of dairy, condensed milk, cocoa and sugar. He took Ushijima’s pot away from the fire and emptied his on it, taking the spoon from Ushijima to stir the new mix together.
They waited in the empty cafeteria for it to chill, Ushijima trying to catch up on homework and Tendou interrupting him every few seconds with another funny video on his phone.
He seemed to be getting used to Ushijima’s reactions, because he kept showing him things he found interesting and appeared to be satisfied with his nods of agreement. Ushijima knew from experience that people got tired of not getting the laugh they expected, but he didn’t usually feel like laughing, and he couldn’t fake one for his life.
After churning the soon-to-be ice cream, it was time to really wait. For four, very long, very hot hours. At least they lined up with volleyball practice, so Ushijima had a distraction from the chocolate ice cream he’d literally dreamed about.
The container the kitchen staff had lent them wasn’t too big, so they told only the other first-years to stay in the cafeteria after dinner for a surprise dessert.
It was a little too much for six people, but it was so delicious that they finished it in one sitting. They didn’t even split it, just took spoons and dug into it, devouring it straight from the tub. Ushijima felt a little guilty, as he knew one wasn’t supposed to have sugar at night and he could feel it waking him up, but it was the best he’d ever had.
As usual, he was mostly quiet, but the others talked and laughed, and Tendou’s blush from the compliments didn’t manage to fade completely. It made Ushijima’s chest feel warm with happiness. A bad night’s sleep was worth that. He had no regrets.
. . .
Summer break used to be the best part of the year for Tendou. He got to stay home with his trusty electric fan and he only had to interact with his parents, who used to be his favorite company in the world anyway.
That summer was different. His parents were still up there in his ranking of the coolest people he knew but, for the first time ever, he felt like he missed school.
He didn’t miss class, especially when he had to do his homework last minute because he’d been procrastinating on it, but he really missed talking to his friends in person. Because, he was sure about it now, he had friends. And also a big, dumb crush on Ushijima, but that was a problem he was choosing to ignore.
“I’m back! Did you–“
Their bedroom was empty, but Ushijima’s bag was on his desk. Tendou grabbed the wrapped parcel from his backpack before heading out to find his friend.
Middle school felt so far away. Not even that, it felt like it hadn’t happened to him, like it was a movie he’d watched a long time ago and had trouble remembering.
Just as he’d guessed, Ushijima was in the gym. He was alone, practicing serves. When Tendou greeted him, he waved.
“Did you miss me?”
“Yes.”
He was so blunt. Tendou loved it.
The saddest parts of middle school hadn’t been the periods of complete solitude. They’d been the few times when someone would pretend to befriend him on a dare or some kind of long con to make fun of him. But Ushijima was always direct and to the point, never any hidden motives. The perfect salve for Tendou’s wounds.
His crush was irrelevant. Being his friend was already more than he could’ve dreamed of just months ago.
“I’ve been invited to the National Youth intensive training camp.”
Tendou made a show out of his jaw dropping, even though Reon, Semi and him had tried to make a bet about it and had given up when they’d all said they wanted to bet for him getting the invite.
“Congratulations, that’s amazing!”
“Thank you.”
“I talked to Reon earlier and he didn’t tell me.”
“He doesn’t know. Coach Washijo just told me, you’re the first to find out.”
“Oh.” He didn’t fake his surprise now. “Wow. So you didn’t tell your parents yet?”
He picked up a volleyball to resume his training. “I’ll text my dad later.”
He might’ve been walking into a thorny conversation, but Tendou didn’t know anything about his family and he was curious. “And… your mom?”
The serve was an out. “She doesn’t care about volleyball.”
“But… you love volleyball. And you were invited to something super important. She’s gonna be happy for you even if she doesn’t get it.”
Ushijima shrugged and picked up another ball. “I’ll text her.”
Tendou could tell he’d bummed him out. He wasn’t sure how, because his face didn’t look much different, but he could feel it. Maybe his mind-reading was extending to Ushijima.
“I brought you something!”
“Why?”
Tendou looked at the package covered in gift wrap and back at Ushijima, giving him a blink and some time to think about it.
“My birthday?”
“That’s right!”
“But it was two and a half weeks ago.”
“Exactly. I missed it, so here you go.”
Ushijima accepted it and started to unwrap it. “I didn’t give you anything for your birthday.”
“It’s fine. This is barely a present anyway.”
He stared at the food container with an unreadable expression.
“I know it’s a weird birthday gift, but dinner tonight sucks, so I thought you’d like this better. I made it this morning with my mom. It should be okay, even if you have to reheat it.”
He was still staring in silence. Tendou started to feel anxious.
“I mean, it would’ve been better fresh, but it was a hassle to bring all the ingredients, so I thought this would be okay. If you don’t like it or you don’t want it, you don’t have to eat it.”
“You made me hayashi rice?”
Tendou was sure that it was, but he still asked, “It’s your favorite, right?”
The hug caught him by surprise. It was a little too stiff, and a little too sweaty for his taste, but it was a hug from Ushijima Wakatoshi and Tendou was going to return it even if he had to awkwardly wiggle his arms from under his to do it.
“Thank you.”
Ushijima retreated, holding the plastic container like it was the most valuable thing in the world. He looked at him with eyes a bit wider than normal, which Tendou decided counted as a smile from him.
Tendou smiled right back and surprise struck again. Ushijima looked at Tendou’s lips and attempted to smile, as if he was copying him. It looked weird. It was breathtaking.
He was staring. He should look away from his mouth and say something.
“That’s new! I love it!”
“You do?”
Tendou had never liked anything more. “I feel like I got a birthday present too.”
. . .
A text from his dad, wanting to know when he got to the Ajinomoto National Training Center. Ushijima had stopped in its parking lot to check his phone, so he answered he was already there, to which his dad wished him good luck with the training camp.
The bedroom they’d given him was bigger than the one at Shiratorizawa, with two regular beds instead of bunks. Which meant he had another new roommate to meet. He was already there, rummaging through his bag.
“Hey, how are– Oh! Hi!”
He knew who he was. Ushijima couldn’t say the same.
He’d looked happy to meet him, but his excitement died down quickly as he realized Ushijima wasn’t the most talkative person. By the time he excused himself, saying he was going downstairs to wait for the first meet to start, he’d seemed irritated.
Ushijima didn’t need to do anything besides dropping his bag off, but he sat on his bed and waited, to give his roommate time to find someone else to hang out with instead of feeling like he had to stick with him.
He’d never understood how to make friends. Ushijima couldn’t remember how he’d ended up hanging out with Reon and Semi, when he’d started to consider them his friends. It had just happened naturally, just like living with Tendou was easy.
He needed to pay more attention to how those things happened because, by the time he realized he’d made a new friend, it was too late to try to analyze the process.
I should’ve smiled back.
Ushijima missed his friends.
. . .
Tendou missed Ushijima, but having the room to himself had been cool. In spite of how comfortable Tendou felt around him, he was always somewhat aware of how he looked and sounded, so finding himself with no option but to be on his own was lonely, but freeing.
Ushijima was coming back later that evening. Reon and Semi hadn’t wanted to hang out, saying they had to study. Tendou sat at his desk, looking at his options. To his right, the literature textbook. To his left, last week’s Shounen Jump, which he still hadn’t finished. The new one would release the next day. It was the responsible thing to do to read the remaining chapters before he got behind.
Magazine in hand, he climbed into his bed. By the time he was done with it, he was still alone. He thought of another pro to having the room to himself: not having to hide in the bathroom when he felt like rubbing one out.
To mourn the loss of that particular freedom, he decided to do it one last time. He reached into the basket he’d hung from his bedframe, took out a pack of tissues and his earphones, opened an incognito window on his phone, and got to work.
He didn’t hear the lock turning.
Catching the door moving gave him time to pull his pants up, but not discreetly.
Tendou ripped his headphones out and caught the end of Ushijima’s ‘hello’. He looked alarmed at the sudden movement.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
He brought his knee up to hide the bulge in his pants and accidentally unplugged the earphones. He hadn’t stopped the video. Tendou picked up the phone, fallen screen-down during his scramble, and closed the tab.
He risked a glance. Ushijima was staring at him with raised eyebrows. Tendou looked away.
Ushijima cleared his throat. “I usually do that in the shower.”
Not helping.
“No one walks in on you there.”
Tendou nodded, too ashamed to speak.
“You can warn me next time.”
Sure, and work out a schedule too.
He had to stop thinking of stupid comebacks and actually say something.
Tendou forced a laugh. “Well, maybe you can start doing it here so I’m not the only bad roommate. I’d be less embarrassed if I caught you too.”
Ushijima looked like he was considering it. “You can’t watch videos in the shower.”
“Wouldn’t advise it, no.”
“I can leave, if you want to finish that.”
“I’m not terribly intrigued about the ending.”
“I meant masturbating.”
The day could get more mortifying.
“Um, it’s fine.”
“We can both watch it. That way you won’t be embarrassed.”
Tendou had to have heard wrong. “What?”
“Is that weird?”
“Uh… Maybe?”
“I did it once. I thought it was normal.”
Those words could not have just come out of Ushijima’s mouth.
“Back in middle school, the boys in the team were talking about a video, so Reon, Eita and I watched it and we masturbated to it. So I thought that was normal.”
That’s so much information.
If Tendou didn’t know better, he would think Ushijima was the embarrassed one now. “I don’t think I know what’s normal.”
“Honestly, me neither. So, um, I guess we can?”
Ushijima nodded. Finally, something that was, without a shadow of a doubt, normal.
Tendou scooted closer to his pillow, his movements sluggish. The mattress dipped under Ushijima’s weight and Tendou gulped. Their knees touched, but he couldn’t look at him.
He went back to the video, plugged the earphones in, held one up for Ushijima. Their fingers grazed. Tendou inhaled sharply. He balanced the phone on the safety rail, pressed play and sat with his back against the wall.
When he reached for his pants, their elbows bumped together.
Tendou started giggling involuntarily. “Now I see why we did that with the desks!”
He couldn’t stop laughing. His shoulders were shaking so hard, his earphone fell out. He might have been hyperventilating.
“It’d be easier to just jerk each other off!”
“That way we don’t have to switch places.”
He was so surprised he actually dared look at Ushijima. He didn’t seem to be kidding. Tendou had been half-kidding, but now he was feeling pretty serious about it.
“Is that weird too?”
Tendou didn’t have much experience with friends, but he had to assume it was. But he wasn’t sure he cared.
Ushijima’s embarrassment was showing on his cheeks. “We don’t have to.“
“No!” Tendou wasn’t sabotaging himself again. He took a deep breath and tried to bring his voice down to its usual pitch. “I mean, it’s kinda perfect how we’re right and left-handed so… if you want, I’m in.”
“I do want.”
They stared at each other. Ushijima seemed to mean it. Tendou meant it so much, he might pass out if something didn’t happen soon.
Ushijima held up the fallen earphone between two fingers. Tendou took it, trying not to touch him as he did it. He didn’t know what for, considering where he was about to put his hand.
He wasn’t sure what to do next. He met Ushijima’s eyes. Breathing, I should probably do that. They dropped to Tendou’s lap.
Ushijima had a hand on the waistband of his joggers, waiting for Tendou to catch up. He was already hard, Tendou still was. He slipped his thumb under the elastic of his pants and underwear, and pulled them down.
Halfway through wondering if he should ask first, Ushijima’s fingers wrapped around him. Tendou needed to stop thinking and just do. He took Ushijima in his hand, locked his eyes on the screen, and started pumping.
He’d tried using his left hand before, but he didn’t think it felt like someone else. Now that he had a point of comparison, Tendou found he’d been right. It had been nothing like what he was feeling.
Biting his lip, he did his best to stay still, fighting against his hips, which ached to go towards the touch. He’d been twisting his neck to the side, he noticed when the damn earphone fell off again. It could stay there. Besides, if he’d gotten it back, he would’ve missed Ushijima’s soft grunt, which was the hottest thing he’d ever heard.
Ushijima’s eyes were closed. Like that, he didn’t look as serious. He seemed relaxed. He was so beautiful. His lips parted to take in a shallow breath and Tendou sped his pace up.
Lost in the feeling, Ushijima was starting to pump more erratically, but Tendou didn’t care. He put his left hand over Ushijima’s, so he’d stop trying. He’d had the intention of taking it back, but Ushijima held on to it with a white-knuckle grip, so Tendou left it where it was.
It was starting to tingle with loss of circulation when Ushijima let go, somehow with enough presence of mind to try to catch his come.
Tendou found his own common sense and grabbed a tissue. He cleaned the bit that had dripped onto his hand before taking out another one for Ushijima. He used both to clean himself up and threw them at the trash bin next to the door. They went in.
“Nice.”
Breaking the silence might have been a mistake, because the sound of his own voice snapped Tendou out of his trance.
Ushijima just leaned back against the wall and started stroking Tendou again.
“I’m sorry. I thought I could keep up.”
“It’s fine,” breathed Tendou.
Ushijima was looking at him, eyes darker than normal under the shadow his hair was setting, as intense as always. Looking at Tendou as if nothing else mattered. He couldn’t look away, but the faster his breathing got, the harder it was to hold his hypnotic gaze.
When his eyes shut, Ushijima leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together, like he was trying to remind him that he was with him. Like Tendou could forget.
He came with a moan and without a warning. Ushijima had a tissue ready. Tendou took it from him, to take care of himself.
The forgotten video was still going on his phone, both earphones abandoned between them on the covers, so he closed it and cleared his throat. His mouth was dry.
“I need water.”
Ushijima nodded and climbed down the bunk bed first.
“I liked that.”
“Yeah.”
Back on steady ground, Tendou took his water bottle.
He wished Ushijima’s tone wasn’t so flat all the time. Did he mean it? Because he was starting to get all kinds of doubts. He needed time to process.
The bottle was close to empty. Tendou excused himself with filling it up and scurried towards the corridor.
. . .
“How do you know if you like someone?”
Reon looked up from leaving a bib on the railing to dry, surprised. “As a person or romantically?”
“Romantically,” Ushijima specified. “How did you know you liked that girl you dated?”
Reon hesitated. He followed that up with a nervous laugh.
“That girl from your class. It was last year. Do you not remember?”
“No, I do. It’s just… I mean, it’s not that I didn’t like her– Well. Um…”
It was strange to see Reon stumble over his words. Ushijima grabbed another armful from the laundry cart and waited.
“The problem was that she asked me out and I said yes, mostly because it felt rude to say no? And I guess I liked that she was interested, and I kinda hoped I’d… become interested. But it wasn’t happening, so I broke up with her.”
“I thought she broke up with you.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Uh, right. It was... complicated. I’d appreciate it if you kept this a secret, actually.”
Ushijima nodded and handed him a bib.
“She didn’t react well. She said if I didn’t say she’d broken up with me, she’d tell everyone I’m gay. And you know how this school is.”
Ushijima could guess what he was hinting at, but he’d never noticed anything along those lines.
“Besides, I felt guilty for breaking up with her, and she was clearly upset, so I agreed. But, yeah, I didn’t like her that much at the beginning and I certainly don’t like her now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I can tell you what it feels like to not like someone, though. Every time she asked me to hang out, it felt like a chore I had to do as a boyfriend. And that’s not how it should feel.”
Ushijima liked hanging out with Tendou. He liked it a lot.
At his lack of a reaction, Reon synthetized it to, “If you don’t feel like hanging out with someone, it’s probably a sign that you don’t like them.”
Ushijima nodded. He pushed the cart behind Reon, towards an empty section of the railing. “Anything else? To know if I do?”
“Well…” He shrugged and took another bib from Ushijima. “I think you realize it through the little things that feel special when they shouldn’t. When you like the way he says your name the best, or when you feel happy just because he saved you a seat next to him at lunch.” He froze, the bib flapping mid-air. “I mean, her.”
“No, him was right.”
Reon was still stuck for a second before he went back to hanging the bibs. “Alright. So, uh, yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Do you remember that time, during a training camp, when we watched that porn video and we–“
Reon flinched and dropped the bib over the edge, but he leaned over and caught it in time.
He turned to Ushijima with horrified eyes. “Can you please talk lower? There’s people in the gym.”
Ushijima nodded and changed to a whisper. “Do you–“
“I remember.”
“I sort of did that with Satori yesterday.”
“Uh… Maybe you shouldn’t be telling me this.”
“I’m sorry. I have a question.”
There were no more bibs to hang up. Reon seemed flustered. “Well, I don’t know if I’ll have an answer, but go ahead.”
“Earlier, we had some free time and I wanted to do it again, but I think he’s been acting strange, so I was wondering if I did something wrong.”
Reon waited for him to keep talking, but he was done with his sentence. “Do you… feel like you did something wrong?”
“Maybe. It wasn’t exactly like that time in middle school. We masturbated each other–“
“Holy shit, okay, I really don’t think you should be telling me this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So… you think he regrets it?”
That’s what he feared. Ushijima shrugged. He wasn’t used to feeling like that. It wasn’t a new person, it was still Tendou, but he was nervous about him all over again.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you doubt yourself about anything. Maybe you should just ask him. Do what you usually do and ask directly.”
“What if he regrets it?”
“Then… you can try to pretend it never happened, I guess.”
Ushijima nodded, although he didn’t like that suggestion.
“Do you like him? Romantically?”
“I think so. What you said about how it feels special when he says my name… And he made me hayashi rice for my birthday. I… He…” Ushijima was the one flustered now. Reon had recovered and was giving him a knowing smile. “I think I do. Like him. A lot.”
“Well, be careful. I don’t want to see you get your heart broken. And be careful with him too. I think he’s a little fragile.”
Ushijima frowned, silently asking for him to elaborate.
“I think he’s getting better, but when he started hanging out with us, it seemed like he was at some level of panic at all times. Like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Ushijima hadn’t noticed.
“Remember what we said before we met him, about how he seemed to not really be a part of his team in middle school? I think he might’ve been bullied or something. So he might be doing just what you’re doing. Being scared that you regret it.” His eyebrow raised with the corner of his mouth. “Because you can be a little unreadable.”
He was aware. Ushijima nodded.
“See? I know you don’t do it on purpose, and I’m used to it, but you tend to stay quiet where other people would give some kind of affirmation. An ‘okay’ or an ‘alright’ thrown in there. An ‘I see your point’ if you’re feeling wordy.”
“Okay.”
“There you go!”
“I don’t regret it.”
“Tell him that.”
“Okay.”
Reon gestured for the stairs and Ushijima folded the empty laundry cart before following him down.
“I wish I could notice all the things you do.”
“I don’t know,” Reon sighed. “I wish I noticed less, because I overthink everything, and then I feel like I see things that aren’t really there.”
Ushijima felt pretty useless as a friend, but he couldn’t relate to that and he had no advice to give him back.
Tendou was waiting with Semi by the gym doors.
Their eyes barely met before the redhead turned away, but Ushijima kept looking at him. When he finally got his attention again, Ushijima attempted another smile, like the one Tendou had said he loved back in August.
Tendou smiled like a heartbeat: a small, surprised grin first, a beaming smile right after.
There were no more nerves, nothing but relief.
. . .
Tendou was studying. Tendou deeply disliked studying. But it was February, final exams were around the corner, and he had no choice but to.
They’d just had one of their ‘sessions’, as Tendou thought of them, and now Ushijima was studying at his desk and Tendou was on the floor, against the bunk bed, textbook propped up on his knees. Sitting in the same place got boring quickly, so he moved all over the room while he studied.
Their ‘arrangement’, as he also called it in his head, had kept going, to his surprise. They’d stopped playing videos pretty early on, though, since they ended up ignoring them anyway.
It was casual. He wasn’t hung up on Ushijima at all. Sharing a bedroom with everyone else during Nationals hadn’t been torture.
His back started to hurt from being on the floor, so he raised and sat on Ushijima’s bed. Since he had to lean down so he didn’t hit his head against his own bedframe, that got uncomfortable as well. He lay down over the covers, snuggling up to the wall, and went back to reading.
Tendou woke up to Ushijima sleeping next to him and recoiled before remembering. He cursed as he knocked the back of his head against the wall, hard.
“Are you okay?”
“Sorry I woke you up,” he said through his teeth, clenched in pain.
“You didn’t. I was still trying to fall asleep.” Ushijima frowned. “Should I have taken the other bed?”
“No, I just didn’t expect you to be here.”
“You were sleeping so close to the wall that I thought you were leaving space for me.”
Tendou felt himself blush at the softness with which he’d said that. “Not on purpose, but you’re welcome anytime. I just like sleeping like this.” He patted the wall affectionally, even though his head still hurt a little. “It’s cozy.”
“Should I leave?”
“Of course not!” Tendou laughed. “This is your bed. I’m the one who should leave.”
“No. I don’t want you to.”
It was a good thing he was lying down, because Tendou might’ve needed to sit after hearing that.
He ventured, “We could even get a little wild and cuddle, if you want.”
“Yes. I do.”
A double negative to get him to stay and, now, a double confirmation. Tendou didn’t know what had happened to make Ushijima so communicative, but he welcomed it.
The corner of Ushijima’s mouth twitched in a tiny, lightning-fast smile. Tendou melted.
“How do you cuddle?”
“Just… hugging?” Tendou started to do so. “Holding each other, I guess. If you want.”
“I do want.”
Somehow, being in his arms felt more intimate than touching each other. That, he could dismiss as just having urges and acting on them.
Actually, it was easy to dismiss the cuddling as meaningless. Maybe Ushijima was just affection-starved. Tendou felt like that all the time. It wasn’t about him, it was probably just about the physical contact.
Tendou still couldn’t stop thinking of the time he’d called him beautiful, and that had been months ago. It was Ushijima, so he hadn’t been lying. He actually thought so. But that didn’t have to mean he liked him the way Tendou did.
He didn’t want to ruin whatever it was they had going on, but he needed to know more. Tendou had been avoiding talking about feelings. He didn’t have the guts to ask, didn’t even know what to ask.
Do you like me? Do you love me? Do you wanna be my boyfriend?
Tendou couldn’t imagine the answer to any of those questions ever being a yes, but he needed something to help with his uncertainty, so before he could think better of it, he whispered, “Are you gay?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
“No, I’m bisexual.”
Ushijima nodded. “Maybe I am too.”
“Maybe?”
“I haven’t thought about it. Should I know?”
“I don’t think it’s that important.”
“Okay.”
There might be hope then.
. . .
“You’re not going home for spring break?”
“I don’t usually go to my house for the holidays.”
Tendou looked up from packing. “Did you stay here on summer break?”
“No, I do go back for the summer. Because it’s my birthday. But winter and spring break, I spend here.”
“So you’re celebrating the end of the school year by… staying in school.”
“I’ve done that for the past three years.”
“Isn’t this place empty?”
“Mostly.”
“So isn’t it boring?”
Ushijima shrugged. “I don’t mind being alone. I train, I read, I go for walks… It’s okay.”
“Well, if you get bored, we can text.” He smiled at Ushijima. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
Tendou stopped halfway through folding a pair of shorts. “Do you wanna spend spring break at my house? I’ll ask my parents, they’ll probably let you stay.”
“I wouldn’t want to bother them.”
“Oh, they’ll be happy that I have a friend to come over. I mean,” he gulped and focused on his suitcase again, “because my friends didn’t usually stay over, not, um… Yeah, I can call them, if you don’t wanna stay here alone.”
Ushijima didn’t mind being alone, but he liked being with Tendou better. But his parents were new people, and his house would be a new place, and the thought of yet another change made him nervous. But at the same time…
“I’d like to. How far is it?”
Tendou’s smile was worth the anxiety. “Kinda far, but they’ll drive us there and back.”
“Can we come here to practice volleyball?”
“There’s a volleyball court in my neighborhood we can go to.”
“Okay.”
Tendou grabbed his phone from the desk and started towards the door. “Alright, I’ll call them right now!”
His parents wanted to talk to Ushijima’s and he lost hope, but his mother said yes.
He was still reeling from that when Tendou said, “Start packing! We leave after lunch!”
Reon and Semi were leaving that afternoon too, so they had their last lunch together as first-years. They didn’t seem to notice that Ushijima was more absent from the conversation than usual.
He was going to spend ten days in a new place, in a neighborhood he didn’t know, with Tendou’s parents.
His mom had sounded nice on the phone, but Ushijima’s mother also sounded nice, even when she was saying hurtful things, so that was no real indicator.
Tendou’s dad seemed nice too, when he picked them up. Ushijima was less nervous about him. His own dad was nice besides sounding it, and he must’ve been warned that Ushijima wasn’t the most expressive person, because he didn’t give him the usual disappointed face after talking to him for a minute. He was chatty, like Tendou, and didn’t seem to mind Ushijima’s short answers.
“Welcome, sweetie!” Tendou’s mom exclaimed when Ushijima walked through the door. “Can I give you a hug?”
“Yes.”
“Come here,” she said as she embraced him. “You’re so tall too!” He hoped he’d gotten better at hugging people, because he’d been practicing and her hug was really nice. “How was the trip?”
“It was okay.”
“Not a lot of traffic,” her husband said before kissing her cheek. Ushijima couldn’t remember his parents ever looking that happy around each other. “I’ll drop your things in your room.”
“Satori, come here!” Tendou hugged his mom and Ushijima felt a tingling in his nose he didn’t get often, like he was going to cry. “Baby, you look so handsome! I’m not used to seeing you with this hair.” She combed it up and got on her tiptoes, and Tendou leaned down the rest of the way to get a kiss on the forehead.
“Thanks, mom.”
Ushijima had never seen Tendou’s hair look different, but he paid attention to the framed pictures on the walls of the living room and found young Tendou in different haircuts, hair lying flat like Ushijima’s. His gold medals from placing first in the Interhigh and Spring High playoffs, as well as the award certificates for the two National tournaments, were framed and hung among the family photographs.
“I left a bedroll in your room,” his mom said before turning to Ushijima. “I’m sorry we don’t have an extra bed for you, sweetie. If you prefer the couch, you can sleep there.”
“A bedroll is fine. Thank you for letting me stay.”
“Oh, you’re welcome anytime,” she assured him, lifting an arm to brush Ushijima’s hair, fixing some strays back into his side part.
“We wanna go to the volleyball court before dinner, is that okay?”
“Of course, but show him around the house first. Maybe he wants to have something to drink, or to go to the bathroom. Use your manners, Satori.”
“Sorry, mom.” He nodded towards the door to the hallway. “C’mon!”
Their apartment was a lot smaller than the Ushijima family home, but he already felt more comfortable there than in the house he’d grown up in. Tendou’s bedroom walls were covered in posters from anime Ushijima was slightly familiar with. His shelves had mostly Shounen Jump magazines and manga volumes, and their travel bags had been left next to the bed, where Tendou jumped and belly-flopped.
“I missed this bed.” He said, lower, “You can sleep here with me if you don’t want the bedroll. Since we already take naps together and all.”
He didn’t mind the bedroll, but he liked the idea. “Okay.”
It was a beautiful day out and Ushijima kept looking around the neighborhood while Tendou spoke to him. He’d been updating him on the route they were taking to the gym when he went suddenly quiet.
He was staring ahead, at a group of boys. They nodded at him and he nodded back, but even after they walked past, he still looked strange. It was as if he’d shut down, even though he’d been excited twenty seconds ago.
“Do you know them?”
“Yeah, they went to my middle school.”
“Are they your friends?” He looked at the ground. “Are you okay?”
“Do you like me? As a friend,” he interrupted him before Ushijima could say yes, “I mean.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I kinda lied to you. I didn’t have friends in middle school.”
“Why did you lie?”
He shrugged, still not looking at him. “I don’t know. I was finally going to a new school so I wanted to be a new me. I wanted to be cool, and cool people have friends. It’s weird not to have friends.”
Ushijima couldn’t imagine wanting to change. Change was scary. Just the thought of spending less than two weeks in a new place had made him nervous. Things tended to change for the worse in his experience, like when his parents had gotten a divorce or when his dad had left for the States and he’d been left behind with his mother’s family. And Tendou had looked for change. On purpose.
But Tendou had changed Ushijima. He hadn’t stopped to think about it, but he felt like he was different from before they’d met. He’d discovered new feelings, like the one he was having right now, like something was clutching at his chest because Tendou looked upset.
Tendou had started fidgeting, running his thumb over his fingertips, and Ushijima grabbed his hand to stop him.
He startled and stopped walking, but he didn’t pull away.
“What are you doing?”
“You do that when you’re nervous. I hadn’t noticed you’d stopped, but you’re doing it again.”
“Um… Yeah.”
“I don’t think it’s weird. I didn’t have friends in elementary school. Reon was my first friend, and then Eita. And then, you.”
Tendou started doing the finger thing with his left hand.
“Do you want me to let go? Should I take your other hand too?”
“No, I…” He sighed and mumbled, “Just give me a moment.”
He closed his fist and opened it again, and then he did the fingertips thing some more before stopping.
“Okay.”
“Do you do it a number of times?”
“Five. It’s my favorite number. Every round takes me about a second, so I give myself five seconds to calm down.”
“Did you time it?”
“Yeah, I got curious. I noticed it got faster because I got used to the movement, so I wanted to see how long it took. And it was five seconds for five laps.” He smiled. “It was pretty satisfying.”
“Are you alright now?”
“I’m better. You can let go if you want.”
Ushijima found he didn’t want to let go. “Do you want me to?”
“Not really. But people could see, so, you know. If you wanted to stop.”
“I don’t, but if you do, we can stop.” Tendou chewed on his lip as he thought about it. “What’s wrong with holding hands?”
He chuckled a little at that. “Depends on who you ask.” Tendou held his hand tighter. “Nothing wrong with it to me.”
. . .
“You weren’t kidding when you said he was quiet,” his mom told Tendou while they set the table for dinner.
Ushijima was in the shower. It was weird to be home with him and, at the same time, it wasn’t.
“Yeah, I know.”
“But he’s nice.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay in this school?” Tendou blinked to will his eyes to stay dry at the hopeful look in his mom’s face. “You look happier.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“I’m glad to hear that, baby.”
Me too, he thought, but he was feeling a little choked up, so he just ducked down so his mom could kiss him.
Tendou took his usual place at the table and Ushijima sat on the empty seat to his right. When dinner started, their elbows bumped.
“Oh, sorry.” Tendou slid his chair back. “Let’s switch.”
“It’s fine. I can eat with my right hand.”
“I remember when teachers wouldn’t let students write with their left hand in class,” Tendou’s dad said. “I always thought all that was nonsense. They don’t do it anymore, do they?”
“Not in school.”
Tendou turned to Ushijima. “Not in school?”
“People still do it at home, I think. My mother and my grandmother wanted to fix it, but my dad asked them not to.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Tendou’s mom whispered, “don’t call it fixing.”
Tendou got up. “Really, switch seats with me.”
Ushijima showed him the spoon in his right hand. “There’s no need. You can sit down.”
He felt like he was making a scene, being the only person standing, so Tendou sat again and slid the chair farther to the left. “Okay, I’ll just scoot over, but use your left hand.”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t wanna drop something on your shirt,” supplied his dad.
“That won’t happen. I’m ambidextrous.”
Tendou blinked. He was pretty sure he’d always seen him write and eat and do about everything with his left hand. “What?”
“I taught myself to use my right hand after my dad left, so my mother wouldn’t be disappointed.”
Tendou’s mom gasped. “Honey, your mom won’t be disappointed in you just for… for using the hand that’s most comfortable.”
“She is.”
Tendou didn’t know what to say, and even his dad with all of his small talk and his mom with all of her encouragement were at a loss for words.
“It’s okay,” Ushijima added, like he was also uncomfortable with the silence.
Tendou’s mom cleared her throat. “Satori told us you were invited to a camp for the best high school volleyball players?”
“Yes.”
“That’s incredible, sweetie, congratulations!”
“Thank you.”
“And your final exams went well?”
His parents had recovered, but Tendou was still freaking out in silence.
After dinner, they went to his bedroom and Tendou grabbed his pajamas before going to have his shower.
“I thought your hair was just like that before I saw all those pictures.”
“Oh? No,” he gave himself a middle part to demonstrate, “it’s hair gel.”
“And you wear hair gel to sleep?”
“Well, in school we still have dinner left after showering, so I have to do my hair for that. In the morning, I just fix whatever sleep did to it and I’m good to go.”
“Were you going to do it now?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I don’t like it down.” He started fixing it back up.
“Okay. I liked it in the pictures.”
Tendou sighed knowing that, when he came out of the shower, he’d regret saying, “I guess I could leave it tonight.”
He stared at his washed hair in the mirror. He still didn’t like it.
It wasn’t really a bowl cut anymore, since he hadn’t cut it in over a year. But there was no way of parting it he didn’t hate, so he pushed the overgrown bangs out of his face and let them fall however they wanted to.
“Ta-da,” he said softly, walking back into his bedroom.
Ushijima gave him a smile that lasted more than a second. A legendary victory. “I like it.”
“Well, I don’t.” Tendou had an amazing idea. “You know what we should do? Give you my hairstyle.”
“I already washed my hair.”
“And you can do it again.” He pointed at his own head. “I showed you this. It’s the least you can do.”
“Okay.”
Tendou had known he would look weird, but Ushijima was disturbed by the sight. Tendou was having trouble keeping his laughing down so he wouldn’t bother his parents, who’d be trying to sleep.
Now that he wasn’t the only one looking ridiculous, he felt much better.
“We have to take a picture. Reon and Eita need to see this.”
Semi couldn’t decide who looked weirder. Reon voted Ushijima.
He was rubbing a towel against his freshly washed hair when he said, “I’m glad you had fun with this. You’ve been quiet since dinner.”
Tendou knew he had, and being reminded of it made him sad again.
“You taught yourself to be fucking ambidextrous and it wasn’t enough for your mom?”
“At home I use my right hand, but she knows that I play with my left and that I’m known for it, and she doesn’t like that.”
“Why?”
“My family is very traditional. My mother thinks using my left hand is rude and my grandmother calls being left-handed a curse.”
Tendou shook his head, not finding anything to say that wouldn’t be disrespectful to his family.
“Since my dad didn’t want them to fix it because–“
“Don’t say ‘fix it’.”
“Okay. My family wanted to… change it, but they wanted to respect his wishes too, so I took their clues and fixed it myself. Changed, I mean.”
“You changed yourself to make others more comfortable with you.”
“The way you’re saying it sounds like it’s a bad thing.”
That wasn’t how he’d meant it. After all, Tendou had tried to do the same, although he didn’t think he’d done a great job.
“It’s a sad thing, is what it is.”
Ushijima wasn’t drying his hair anymore, but he was still holding the towel, and his grip on it tightened.
“I’m still left-handed,” he said, defensive. “I didn’t change that, I just learned how to use my other hand.”
“I know. I just don’t think there was a reason for you to do it in the first place.”
Ushijima was upset. Tendou suggested they go to sleep. He closed his bedroom door behind him before deciding he couldn’t drop it.
“This might be rude to say, but your family’s wrong. Being left-handed is not a bad thing. It’s really good for volleyball, actually.”
“I know, that’s why my dad wanted me to stay as I was.”
Ushijima sat on the bed, staring at his hands.
“I don’t think my family says those things to be mean. And it’s not like they’re the only ones who think that way, it’s ingrained in language. The opposite of right is wrong.”
“The opposite of right is left.”
He looked at Tendou again. “To be right as rain. To have your heart in the right place.”
“The heart is on the left side of the body. Checkmate.”
“To set something to rights. To sit at the right hand of God.”
“Wedding rings go on your left hand!”
“Right-hand man.”
Tendou rolled his eyes. He couldn’t come up with anything.
“It’s everywhere,” Ushijima concluded, not looking too happy to have won their argument.
“Something being everywhere doesn’t make it right.”
Tendou couldn’t correct himself before Ushijima said, “See?”
“I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
“I know, no one does.”
“Left-hand man sounds way more special anyway.”
“It sounds weird.”
Tendou snorted. “Well, general consensus is I’m weird, so I guess I’m applying for the job.”
“What job?”
“Left-hand man!”
“If you mean being my best friend, Reon is my best friend.”
I don’t see Reon jacking you off every other day but, sure. “Well, he can be your right-hand man and I’ll be your left. And you can carry Eita on your shoulders, and then we’ll do a Dragon Ball fusion and we’ll be unstoppable!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Seriously, you have to watch Dragon Ball with me.”
“Okay. Now?”
“Nah, now I wanna sleep.”
“Okay.”
He got up so Tendou would get in bed first, so he could sleep close to the wall, like he preferred.
The blanket was thicker than the ones in the Academy and Tendou was getting uncomfortably hot. And he wasn’t the only one.
“Can I take my shirt off?”
Ushijima’s pajamas were long-sleeved. Tendou was hot in his t-shirt, so he couldn’t imagine being even more covered.
“Sure.”
There wasn’t much light, and it wasn’t anything Tendou hadn’t seen, but he was still struck by how beautiful Ushijima was, from any angle.
He met his eyes and Tendou cursed himself for getting caught looking, but Ushijima said, “You changed into your pajamas in the bathroom.”
“Yeah.”
“I would’ve waited outside. This is your bedroom.”
“It’s my bathroom too. Might as well.”
“Why do you still care that I see you without a t-shirt? I’ve seen your–“
“Yeah, uh, I don’t know. I mean, we already talked about this. I don’t like my body.”
“I didn’t see anything wrong with it.”
“It’s not that there’s anything wrong, I just… I don’t know.” He laid on his back in hopes gravity would help him not cry. “I used to be really skinny, so people made fun of me for that. Because I’ve always been taller than most too, so… yeah. I don’t know. I just don’t like seeing myself.”
“You’re not skinny. You’re a volleyball player, you’re strong.” Tendou shrugged and Ushijima poked at his biceps. “See? You’re not skinny anymore.”
“Well, I don’t look like you either.” He gestured at Ushijima’s stomach. Even in the low light that came through the curtains, there were shadows cast by the ridges of his muscles. “I’m skinny compared to you.”
“You’re sweating. Your hair is sticking to your forehead.”
“Yeah, well,” he tried to brush his hair up, had to settle for back, “I don’t usually have my hair on my face.”
“You’re going to have a bad night if you try to sleep like this. I can take the bedroll. And you can take your t-shirt off. I promise I won’t look.”
“No, I want you to stay here.”
The whole thing was starting to feel ridiculous even to himself, so Tendou sat up with a groan.
He took his shirt off. Ushijima looked into his eyes. A little too intensely.
“You can look.”
His eyes dropped lower, but there was no clear reaction on his face.
“You’re not skinny.”
“Okay, but I am sleepy.” He got back under the covers. “Come here, beefcake.”
Ushijima followed him. “I still think you’re beautiful.”
“Don’t start with that again.”
“Okay.”
The fact that Tendou knew that, being Ushijima, he really, actually thought so.
Tendou was tired, and it was dark, and he was in the bedroom where he’d cried so many times. It was muscle memory. Before he could wonder if Ushijima could see his tears, he was already swiping a thumb under his eye.
“I’m sorry.”
“Ignore me.”
“Why would I ignore you when you’re crying?”
“Because it’s stupid.”
“Do you want to put your t-shirt back on?”
“No, it’s not that.”
Ushijima hesitated before asking, “Can we cuddle?”
“Yeah.”
They usually lay the other way around, since their bunk at the Academy was facing the opposite direction, so Tendou asked if he wanted to switch.
Ushijima pushed the covers off and moved to the edge of the bed, to let Tendou wiggle his way to the right side. He threw a leg over him, to get to the left.
He froze above Tendou, their eyes locking for a couple of seconds where time seemed to stop.
He finished his trip to the left side of the bed like nothing had happened, but Tendou’s heart was going crazy. He’d notice when he held him again.
Tendou shivered at the skin-to-skin contact. He wrapped his arms around Ushijima’s waist as he tried to slow his heartbeat down by cursing himself and telling it to.
Normally, Ushijima’s hand would’ve found its usual spot between Tendou’s shoulder blades. It went to his cheek instead. He cupped his face, fingers brushing against the side of Tendou’s neck, and he couldn’t help shuddering again.
Ushijima was very still.
“You okay?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Yes.”
Tendou spoke before he’d even finished the thought, and Ushijima’s lips were on his before he’d had time to register his own surprise.
He hugged him closer, chests pressed together, and Ushijima’s hand was in his hair now, and his tongue was in his mouth, and Tendou’s panic was starting to soften into the mush his brain turned into when Ushijima touched him.
His mouth closed on itself and he opened his eyes.
“Was that alright?” Ushijima wiped his mouth. The room spun behind him. Tendou noticed the drool around his own lips and cleaned it off. “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”
“Me neither, so I don’t know.” He was probably blushing furiously. He felt very hot. “I liked it.”
“Me too. Can we kiss again?”
“Yeah, and you don’t really need to ask anymore, you can just kiss me.”
“Okay.”
So he kissed Tendou again, and again, and Ushijima got on top of him like when he’d frozen earlier, but lying against him, and he felt even hotter than before, but he didn’t want to lose Ushijima’s weight on him, and Tendou’s lips were starting to hurt, but he wasn’t about to complain. It was totally worth it.
He couldn’t help but think they weren’t doing things in the right order. And then he got mad at that word again. And then he decided he didn’t care about the proper order of things, because Ushijima’s hair was so soft between his fingers, his mouth felt so good on his, that he should just stop thinking and enjoy it.
Because it felt right. No, it felt good. And when something felt that good, it couldn’t be wrong.
. . .
Ushijima’s lips ached when he woke up. He opened his eyes to a closeup of Tendou’s ear, to hair tickling his forehead.
He’d fallen asleep while kissing his neck.
Ushijima propped himself up on his forearm to check if Tendou was sleeping. He had been, but he was waking up from the motion.
“Good morning.”
Tendou smiled and replied in his gruffy, still sleepy voice, “Good morning.”
His lips might’ve been in pain too, because they were swollen. They looked very kissable, and Ushijima felt in a very kissing mood but, just in case, he decided to move back to his neck.
“Someone woke up with energy,” Tendou said with a hoarse laugh.
“I fell asleep here last night.”
“Yeah, I… noticed.”
Ushijima could keep kissing his neck forever just to hear what it was doing to Tendou’s breath. He didn’t seem to agree, seeing as how he moved away so Ushijima couldn’t reach.
“I wasn’t done,” he protested, chasing after him.
“I’m hungry,” Tendou said, playfully poking at Ushijima’s sides.
He lightly sank his teeth on Tendou’s shoulder and left a kiss there. “I’m starving.”
“C’mon!” Tendou laughed.
He tried pushing Ushijima towards the end of the bed, but he’d been holding on to Tendou, so they just ended up rolling to the side, the redhead on top.
“Breakfast,” he whispered, sitting up after leaving a peck on Ushijima’s lips.
“Kisses,” he countered, tangling his fingers on Tendou’s hair to pull him down.
“Morning breath.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you…” He frowned a little. “You don’t even have morning breath. Of course you wouldn’t, you’re perfect.” Ushijima tried to get another kiss, but Tendou held him down. “But I do.”
“I don’t care.”
Tendou’s hand was still pressing down on Ushijima’s chest. He followed it up his arm, his shoulder, his shirtless torso. In the light of day, he still looked beautiful.
Ushijima’s stomach growled loudly. Tendou snorted just as loud.
“Let’s go.“
Ushijima wanted kisses more than he wanted food, so he locked his arms around Tendou, to keep him on his lap.
“Wakatoshi.”
“Yes?”
“We can kiss more after breakfast.”
Ushijima hadn’t thought about that. He’d been desperate to get kisses now, as if once they went to the world outside Tendou’s bedroom, they couldn’t walk back into that one.
But they could. They had all of spring break ahead of them.