Chapter Text
Before Kaz even knew what he intended, he lowered his head. Inej drew in a sharp breath. His lips hovered just above the warm juncture between her shoulder and the column of her neck. He waited. Tell me to stop. Push me away.
She exhaled. “Go on,” she repeated. Finish the story.
The barest movement and his lips brushed her skin—warm, smooth, beaded with moisture. Desire coursed through him, a thousand images he’d hoarded, barely let himself imagine—the fall of her dark hair freed from its braid, his hand fitted to the lithe curve of her waist, her lips parted, whispering his name.
His lips skimmed up her neck, and he could feel the erratic pulse of her heartbeat under her skin - she was warm, and she was alive, and so was he. The water stayed at bay.
He made it to the spot under her jaw that he had stared at just a minute before, clinging to the evidence of her life. As he pressed his lips there, lingering for a moment, he felt Inej shift. Panic coursed through him. Had he done something wrong? Was this too much for her? But after a few seconds, he realized she had just titled her head back, eyes closed, positioning her hands behind her to hold her weight, allowing him more access to the smooth skin under her jaw. Her braid hung behind her, swaying like a dark pendulum. Her heartbeat hammered, and her breathing had become heavier, her chest rising and falling so close to his own.
She wanted him.
Kaz felt as though his skin were on fire. Again, not even realizing his action until it had already been done, he lifted his hand from the counter and placed it on top of her knee. He could feel the muscle under her skin, taut as though she was preparing to jump. Too much, a voice in his head said. Not enough. The multiple points of contact with her skin sent the waters creeping in, and he fought to stay in this moment, to stay with her.
I will not let this control me.
He brushed his lips against the pulse point under her skin again, feeling the life in her, hearing her breath, her mouth close to his ear, and the panic began to recede. He slid his hand up further, to the middle of her thigh, realizing he had been gripping her knee with enough force to bruise in his efforts to stay afloat. The feeling of her skin sliding under his hand was so much more than just a touch. He gasped against her neck. His vision blurred, and he felt his knees start to buckle.
But then Inej sighed. It was just a little sound, a soft whisper of pleasure in the back of her throat. But if her voice had brought him back from the depths of hell, this had sent him to heaven and back. He was on solid ground again, new cravings pulsing through him. He felt heat radiating off her cheeks - was she blushing? He pulled back from her neck and scanned her face with new eyes. The flush bloomed under her dark skin, spreading from her cheeks all the way down to her neck. Her lips were parted, her eyes wide, dark pools he could get lost in for hours.
She had always been beautiful to him, but now she added a whole new meaning to breathtaking.
Kaz closed his eyes. This was it. He knew if he didn’t do something now, he might never work himself up to it again. With the plans that laid ahead of them, neither of them might even get the chance to try. The thought of never having a moment like this with Inej again — never hearing her soft laugh, never sensing her in the shadows behind him, never feeling her heartbeat again — twisted in his stomach like a knife. He had to do this.
He opened his eyes to find her still staring at him, patient, waiting. The blush had faded, but the rest of her was the same. He still had his hand on her thigh, and the warmth of her skin under his palm set his alight. His gaze slid down her face, and he took a shaky breath. Do it.
He leaned in, slowly, carefully, giving her time to pull away. But she didn’t. She didn’t lean in either, letting him come to her, letting him take his time. He felt her warm breath wash over his face. Alive, alive, alive. He closed is eyes and closed the distance, pressing his lips gingerly to hers.
Desire burned through him once again, building slowly from his chest and spreading through his body all the way to his fingertips. Her lips were impossibly soft, fitted to his mouth like they had been made for him. He broke away, inhaling sharply, but now she did lean in, claiming his lips with her own wary confidence. His grip shifted higher on her leg, applying what he hoped was not too much pressure. Inej sighed against his mouth, louder than before, parting her lips as they connected with his again. Her body shifted closer, and he could feel her brush against him with every breath. He kissed her deeper, the desire racing through his veins, erasing the roil in his gut, demanding more, blocking out the entire world around them. He felt pressure against his upper arm, and shivered as he felt her fingers curl into his shirt. He was drowning; he was burning.
He broke away, breathing heavily. He could hear her breathing matching his, could still sense the rapid rise and fall of her chest. She unwound her fingers from his shirt, but he could still feel the pressure of her hand. His lips tingled. His nose was filled with the scent of her. The taste of her was on his tongue. Every cell in his body screamed at him to lean forward again, to mold his mouth to hers, to eliminate every millimeter of space between them. But he couldn’t. This was further, much much further than anything he had even imagined he’d be capable of. He knew he was still on the brink, the water of the bay waiting to crash down on him at any moment. It was there in the shakiness of his breath, in the unsteadiness of his legs.
He opened his eyes, and she did as well a moment later. She was still breathing hard, and her lips were slightly swollen. I did that, he realized with a shock . Pleasure and pride filled his chest. He kept his hand on her thigh, for once not ready to break all contact.
Still, even in this moment, or perhaps especially in this moment, his thoughts wound their way back to the job ahead. The knife twisted in his stomach.
“Leave,” he said suddenly, the words forming on their own. “Leave Ketterdam. Take the money, buy passage to Ravka. Forget this place. Never look back.”
The shock reflected in her eyes. It took her a few moments to respond, and then it was a simple question. “Forget you?”
Another twist, and much deeper. His gaze dropped to the space between them. “Yes,” he managed, his voice hoarse. “Inej, I can’t— The odds of me surviving the next 48 hours are slim. But if I were to manage it, only to lose you in the process…”
He swallowed past the lump in his throat, and made himself meet her gaze. Her eyes shone with tears unspilled, her black lashes wet. Her breath came in shorter, trembling gasps. He couldn’t bare it. He had to bare it.
He steeled himself, and lifted both his hands to cup her face. His chest tightened as his need to touch her battled with the revulsion of his skin against another’s. His pale hands framed her face, so impossibly different, so impossibly perfect. A tear slipped from her eye, and he brushed it away with his thumb. And then he said the words he had been trying to say for weeks.
“If I were to lose you, then all of this — what I built, every good and bad thing I’ve done, the money, the crew, the jobs, everything — it means nothing. None of it matters if you aren’t alive.” And with me, he added mentally, knowing it would be too cruel to them both to say those last words aloud.
Inej’s lips trembled, and another tear fell down her face. She never broke his gaze. “I can’t leave Ketterdam. I can’t leave the Dregs. I cannot leave you.” Her words had become fervent. “Remember what you said to me, that night in the Black Veil? You said that you would come for me, that if you couldn’t walk you would crawl to me, and that we would fight our way out to the end. Together. Did you think it was only you that felt that way, that I would not come to you when you needed me, no matter the cost? Do you really think I would be able to bear to leave Ketterdam, leaving you to a fate I wouldn’t know, always wondering what happened to you, knowing that if I should return you might not be here?”
Kaz closed his eyes, his brow creasing. He knew what she was saying was true - how many times had she proven it? How many times had she’d accompanied him, hidden in the darkness, keeping secret watch as he went into meetings, ready to jump in at a moment’s notice? How many jobs did he have her on, how many risks had they both taken? The fear for him she had refused to voice would shine in her eyes, as easily read as a book, but written only for him. And as much as he did not want to admit it, he knew the fear had always been in his eyes as well. It had been obvious in his actions lately, too; his hesitations to agreeing to her solo scouting, the net under her tightrope, looking to her in a moment of panic when Van Eck had threatened the crew - a mistake that had almost cost her her life. And still might.
He would not win this fight. He’d known he had no chance, from the first word he’d spoken, but he’d had to try.
He took a deep breath, opening his eyes and leaning closer to her face, the most precious thing he’d ever laid his hands on. “Fine. But do not follow me when I return to the Slat. What I have to do is not going to be easy, and they will jump at the first sign of weakness from me. I can’t do what I have to do to make this work if you are there.”
“You don’t have to go at all. We can find another way.”
“There is no other way.”
“You don’t know that, Kaz.”
“I do know that, and you know it too.”
Now Inej closed her eyes, distress shadowing her face.
“Inej, If you ever cared about me at all, do not follow me.”
Her expression twisted in pain. The knife twisted further into his gut. Please.
She let out a slow, shaky breath. “Fine.”
The knife released, but was replaced by a twinge of guilt and loss in his chest.
“But Kaz…” Inej opened her eyes then, and he was reading fear in them again, and her fear for him deepened the ache in his chest. “You have to come back. Come back to me.”
It was an impossible promise to make. He had never guaranteed anything in his life as Kaz Brekker - not to her, not to anyone. There were no certainties in the life that he led. But he could not deny her this small comfort.
He pressed his hands firmly to the side of her face, looking deep into her eyes. “I swear to you. Even if I have to crawl. I will always come for you.”
She searched his eyes for a moment, then nodded. The tears had dried, and she was the Wraith again. His Wraith. Beautiful. Fierce. Brave. Deadly. Perfect. He would burn this image of her into his mind, refusing to forget this moment until the day he died.
Before he could talk himself out of the insanity of his plan, before he could convince himself to stay with Inej, he released her face, grabbed his gloves and coat, and strode out of the bathroom, bracing himself for the storm to come. The scheme he was walking into would almost certainly result in his destruction, but he was as sure of himself as he’d ever been. He would pull this off, he would reclaim his place in the Barrel, he would keep his crew safe, and he’d survive to see it. He had to.
He had a promise to keep.