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“Okay kids, it’s been a long few days. I want you all to go unwind and get at least eight hours of sleep. Consider this your weekend since we worked through the weekend and the rift predictor is quiet for once. That means two days off Tosh.”
“Don’t need to tell me twice. Come on Tosh, let’s get a drink.” Owen said, already pulling on his jacket and grabbing his keys.
“Okay.” Tosh said, looking surprised and pleased. “Gwen, do you want to join us?” Tosh asked, not noticing the expression of displeasure on Owen’s face.
“No thanks Tosh, maybe another time. I want to go home and spend some time with Rhys.” Gwen said before rushing out the door.
“See you later Ianto, Jack.” Tosh said before letting Owen drag her out the door.
Silence fell as the last of the team left. Ianto finally stopped straightening things and faced Jack. He hesitated for a moment, and then said, “I think I will be heading home too, sir. I will see you in a few days.”
Ianto turned, and got halfway to the door before Jack called out.
“You’re going home?” Jack asked, sounding adorably confused, to Ianto.
“Yes…you gave us a couple days off.”
“Well, yes, but usually you would stay here.” The unspoken ‘with me’ was left hanging in the air.
It was Jack’s turn to look on and think how cute Ianto looked when he was confused, this was an unusual expression to witness and somewhat disconcerting. Ianto rarely showed much emotion at the office, and especially lately. It was even more unusual to see him off balance.
“Jack…we haven’t been together for almost a month now, since before Gwen’s wedding. Surely you noticed.” Ianto said haltingly.
“Well…I know it’s been a while, but I didn’t realize it had been that long. We have been working really long hours with all the rift activity and being short staffed while Gwen was on her honeymoon. I guess I didn’t realize how long it’s been. I’m sorry Ianto; I wasn’t trying to neglect you.” Jack said, furrowing his brow.
Damn, Ianto thought, every look he has is cute and makes me want to just forget everything and go to bed with him.
Ianto shook his head in exasperation. “You’re not getting it Jack…I really thought we had an unspoken agreement about this.”
“About what?”
“There was a moment, after we finished cleaning up the wedding, when we agreed that we weren’t going to do this thing, whatever it was we were doing, anymore.”
“We did? I don’t remember that. I did look at you, but that’s not what I was thinking. It was more like ‘God, you look gorgeous, and I really want to take you to one of the guest rooms and have our own very private wedding night, but I should let you go get what sleep you can’” Jack responded.
Ianto looked even more uncomfortable than before.
“You thought I wanted to stop our relationship?” Jack asked.
“Well, yes. First of all your behavior with Gwen at the wedding indicated your desire to stop.”
“What do you-?”
“And second, we didn’t have a relationship; we had sex. Frequently. Great sex, in fact, but sex alone does not make a relationship.”
This time Ianto noticed that Jack actually looked hurt. “Ianto, I don’t understand. I thought things were going better with us. What do you mean about Gwen’s wedding?”
“It doesn’t matter, okay? Just forget it.” Ianto said, with a mounting sense of hurt settling in his stomach.
Jack closed the distance between them with a few step and tried to take Ianto’s hand, but Ianto pulled out of reach.
“Ianto, please come sit and explain to me what I did, and why you don’t want…this anymore.”
Again Ianto heard the’ me’ that was unspoken. Jack really thinks I don’t want him.
“Of course I want it; I just don’t want to pretend anymore…” Ianto said with a hitch in his voice.
“Yan…”
“Fine.” Ianto sighed and sat down at one of the work stations while Jack sat at a neighboring one.
“I knew how things were before you left. It was just sex; there was way too much betrayal, lies, and half-truths for it to be anything else. But then you came back, and said you came back for me, well for all of us, but I thought you meant me. So I thought things would change. You said you wanted a proper date and that you would tell me where you went at some point, so I just let it go.” Ianto could hear the hurt in his voice, so he paused and took a deep breath before continuing in a more matter of fact tone of voice.
“Then, instead of our date, we fell back into bed. I thought it didn’t matter, because you were still opening up to me about your past and your feelings. I thought we were finally in an actual relationship. I thought all the betrayal and lies and half-truths and infidelity were in the past. Then Tosh told me what happened with the original Captain Jack Harkness in 1941. She tried to be considerate about it, but said she didn’t want me to get my heart broken by thinking you had changed too much.
“I tried to write it off, but then Gwen’s wedding happened. I thought you were behaving odd out of nostalgia for all the people you’ve loved and lost-like Estelle, until you danced with Gwen. I knew in the beginning, when Gwen first joined us that you wanted her, but you also wanted her to have a normal life with a man who could grow old with her, who she could have children with. I knew I was just a substitute for her, but I thought that had changed and that you no longer thought of me that way. When I saw you dancing with her, I realized you still wanted her. I knew too that all you would have to do is tell her and she would leave Rhys, even now. That’s why I cut in, because I didn’t want Rhys to realize that while Gwen loves him, she loves you more.” Ianto heard his own voice break again, but no longer cared. He just wanted to get this over with, leave and go buy some ice cream.
“That’s why I thought we had come to an understanding to stop having sex. I could deal with betrayal, lies, half-truths, flirting and infidelity before, but not when… I love you… and you don’t feel the same.” He paused and took another deep breath. “So now that you know why, I’m going to go home. When we see each other in two days we can just pretend we did not have this conversation and go back to working together as we have been for the last month.” Ianto said his breathing hitching slightly as he got up and began to leave again.
“Wait, just let me…you’ve got it all wrong. Please.”
Ianto hesitated, and then sat back down.
“Ianto, you know more than anyone…. our history is complicated, but I do love you. More than I have ever said, because you can spend the rest of your life with me but I can’t spend mine with you. And, it breaks my heart.”
Ianto looked startled, especially to see tears in Jack’s eyes. But, he hesitated still because there was so much he didn’t understand about this man and how could he continue to be with this man he loved, when Jack so clearly didn’t place the same value on the relationship.
“Ianto, where I come from in the 51st century, sexuality is more fluid than it is now. So, yes, in the beginning I found Gwen desirable and wanted her and knew that if I could have her. But if I had her once that would be it. She would be done with Rhys, but I would also no longer be interested in her. And, so I never pursued that kind of relationship.” Jack paused with a small, wry smile on his face and then continued.
“At her wedding it hit me that maybe I could have had that sort of relationship. Not with her though, because I never would have had that sort of relationship with her. But with you. I wish that was something we could experience together-getting married, having kids, growing old. Because I can see myself wanting that…with you.”
Jack paused again and looked earnestly into Ianto’s eyes. This man that flirts with everyone, and makes jokes all the bloody time…he really wants that with me? Ianto felt some of his reservations melt away.
“As for Captain Jack Harkness back in 1941; I knew he was about to die. He was like us and living through a time where it was not acceptable to love who he chose and I think understanding that made me fall for him just a bit. And I kissed him…. because it is only right that everyone should experience what their heart truly wants at least once. But, given the choice between staying with him and leaving to come back to you—I came back!”
Jack was panting now with tears in his eyes and looking at Ianto with such love and sadness that Ianto could barely stand it.
Ianto covered Jack’s cheek with his hand and brushed at the corner of his eye where tears were nearly spilling over. “That’s enough Jack…”
“No, wait Ianto…” Jack took a deep breath. “I met Jack Harkness before that time I was gone. And that time away changed me. You cannot remember that year, but the Master took control of the Earth and I was prisoner on his ship for an entire year where he tortured and killed me each day, just to see me come back to life—"
“Jack…” Ianto whispered in horror.
“”—and that entire year what kept me sane, was the knowledge that Martha would set things right and I would get to come back to you. That maybe we could actually make an honest shot of this and have a life together. And, just because I can’t grow old with you doesn’t mean I can’t have many good years with you. While we might have started out just having truly amazing sex, it is no longer about that. Or no just about that, though I really want to have that too. I love you, Ianto. I want you in my life in every way possible and for however long we have. I am just sorry I didn’t see I hurt you so bad.”
At this point they were both crying silent tears of their own. Ianto got up from his work station, closed the distance between them and sat himself in Jack’s lap just to press their foreheads together while they both continued crying.
“I am sorry I never took you on that date, Ianto.” Jack said with a sob.
Ianto let out a wet laugh and wrapped his arms around Jack so they were as close as they could be, and said in a broken whisper. “There’s still time.”
At that Ianto leaned forward to close the distance between their lips and captured Jack’s in a tender kiss that showed all of his love and fear and hurt all wrapped up together.
Jack broke apart with a gasp and said in a quiet voice, “This is why we keep ending up in bed.”
Ianto laughed for real this time. “Let’s go to bed then.”
Jack pulled only slightly away, but shook his head. “No. Believe me I want to, you have no idea how much I want to, but let’s go on a date first. Dinner, movie, dancing, anything you want.”
Ianto leaned forward and pressed their lips together in a much more passionate manner. He drew Jack’s lip between his and sucked firmly to hear Jack moan and then bit it teasingly before releasing it. Again, he captured those lip and licked at the seam of his lips and being granted access licked deep and dirty, devouring him in an approximation of what they both wanted to be doing in bed together.
“Ianto…” Jack panted, while his hands clenched on Ianto’s hips. “Dinner.”
Ianto pulled back, took a deep breath and nodded. Yes, we can at least do dinner, he thought. He got up from Jack’s lap and offered a hand. Jack stood up.
“Okay….” Jack took a steadying breath and then grinned. “I know the perfect place.” And he led Ianto out into the night, never once letting go of his hand.