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It was one of the more boring days on Z-shift, Lister decided. These days, he didn't deliberately try to get on Rimmer's nerves as a way of entertaining himself, he'd moved past that. But that didn't mean he didn't still find the job extremely dull at times, it wasn't exactly something that engaged his brain. At least he had something pleasant to look at.
"Lister, were you listening to me or were you staring at my backside?" Rimmer broke his reverie. "Pass me the adjustable spanner!"
"Alright, keep your trousers on!" Lister grinned as he fished the spanner out of the trolley and handed it over.
"What do you mean 'Keep my trousers on'?" Rimmer demanded from inside the control panel he was working on.
"Instead of 'Keep your hair on'," Lister explained. "Keep your ridiculously tight trousers on." He proved his point by patting Rimmer's left buttock, causing Rimmer to yelp and hit his head on the top of the control panel innards.
"Lister!" he scolded as he emerged, rubbing his scalp. "Don't do things like that. You could have caused an accident."
"Awww, sorry. Let me rub it better," Lister offered and started caressing the top of Rimmer's head. Rimmer didn't have too much gel in his hair today so it wasn't too sticky.
"Stop that, you goit!" Rimmer complained. "What's got into you today?"
"Unfortunately, nothing."
Rimmer took a few seconds to work that one out. "You know the problem with you, Lister?" he remarked, pointing the spanner at him. "The problem with you is that you're one-track minded."
Lister snorted with disgust at the hypocrisy.
Rimmer turned away and busied himself with the control pannel. It was a simple enough job. "Screwdriver." He held out a hand, snapping his fingers impatiently, Lister dropped the screwdriver into it, and Rimmer began reattaching the panel's protective cover. "Lister, we're working! Let go of me!" he complained loudly as Lister began unexpectedly grinding against Rimmer's thigh in the middle of the corridor.
"Spoilsport," Lister grinned, and began gently caressing the front of Rimmer's trousers.
"Now look what you've done!" Rimmer complained as a growing bulge made itself noticeable.
"Sorry," said Lister, not really meaning it. What could Rimmer do, put him on report? Offence: Giving a senior technician a raging stiffy during a shift. He doubted that would fly with the higher ups.
Rimmer tugged off his jacket and tied it around the front of his waist like an apron in a desperate attempt to cover it. "This looks unprofessional!" he grumbled.
Lister grinned. "Tell you what," he offered. "If it hasn't gone down again by the end of the shift, I'll suck it for ya. How about that?"
"And what if it has?" Rimmer demanded.
Lister shrugged. "I'll suck it anyway?"
"Okay, deal."
Lister kept his word. Almost as soon as the bunkroom door was closed behind them, he pushed Rimmer backwards into a half-sitting, half-lying position in the lower bunk, then dropped to his knees between Rimmer's thighs and deftly unfastened his belt and trousers before tugging off Rimmer's boots and tossing them over his shoulder.
"Be careful where you're throwing those," Rimmer grumbled, as one of them landed in the sink.
Lister changed his mind about going too quickly, there was no need to rush after all, they were on their own time now, and instead took his time about slowly working Rimmer's trousers down his legs and left them on the floor, trying to keep them reasonably neatly folded so that Rimmer wouldn't complain. He lifted Rimmer's legs up to drape them over his shoulders and looked at the bulge in Rimmer's pristine white underwear, then moved forward to nuzzle his face against it through the cotton. It turned out Rimmer's erection had gone down over the course of the shift but Lister knew from wide experience that it wouldn't take much to get it back again. He carefully worked Rimmer's underwear down his legs and discarded it, then returned to his nuzzling, feeling it harden against his cheek. "That's it, get it up for me, big man," he purred into Rimmer's groin.
It suddenly dawned on him that Rimmer was now naked from the waist down but still had the top half of his uniform on, his shirt still buttoned up all the way to the neck and even his tie still on. Sitting back for a proper look, Lister realised the effect made him look like a pin-up from some dirty magazine about people in uniform and said as much. Rimmer pretended to scowl but Lister knew him well enough to tell that he was pleased really. He wouldn't have minded taking a polaroid but Rimmer had forbidden him from taking any more dirty pictures after Lister had somehow managed to misplace the one of him straddling Rimmer in their underwear.
"I'm sure it's still on the ship somewhere," he'd tried to reassure Rimmer.
"That's exactly the problem, you gimboid! Anyone could get hold of it!"
For now, he turned his attention to the matter in hand, hitched Rimmer's shirt up out of the way, and began to lick his way up Rimmer's hard length, Rimmer shuddered under the touch of his tongue. Lister licked around the inside of his lips for a bit of lubrication and sucked Rimmer's cock into his mouth. Rimmer had quite a nice penis really, Lister considered as he worked his mouth over it, sometimes it was a bit of a shock to remember that he was the only person who had ever sucked it.
"Good boy, Listy," Rimmer grunted. "Yes, there's my good third technician."
Lister wasn't sure he was happy about being called that but decided not to start an argument in the middle of a blowjob. Rimmer reached down and gripped a fistful of Lister's hair. Lister decided to allow that for as long as it didn't hurt. His lips and tongue continued their work on Rimmer, kissing, licking, sucking, surrounding his cock with moist warmth whilst Rimmer gasped and panted and swore and tightened his grip on Lister's hair until his knuckles went white and he finally spilled into Lister's mouth.
"Good?" Lister enquired, wiping his mouth on the hem of his t-shirt, though Rimmer didn't need to answer that. "Smegging hell, I'm rock hard meself now," he grinned up at him.
"Really?" Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "Well, give me a chance to get my breath back and maybe I can help you with that."
Lister dug a cool lager out of the fridge, cracked it open and took a good slug, rinsing his mouth out, whist Rimmer wiped himself down and put his underwear back on. Then he stripped out of his trousers, boots and t-shirt, leaving just his boxers. They were part of a pack of new ones Rimmer had bought him because, "You really need some new underwear, miladdo, and it doesn't look like you're going to bother to buy your own." Being Rimmer, they were the plain white ones he favoured himself. Sitting through a couple of Rimmer's favourite war films, Lister had realised that the soldiers always wore identical plain white t-shirts and undershorts like Rimmer's during their scenes in the barracks. Apparently Rimmer copied his choice of underwear from army issue, Lister wasn't sure if that was endearing or just sad.
He sat back in the bunk and took another swig from the can, watching with interest at Rimmer eyeing his prominent bulge in the tight white cotton.
"Well, glad to see you're wearing those," Rimmer remarked. Though he wasn't wearing them for long, Rimmer tugged them down to Lister's ankles and went down on him.
Rimmer wasn't exactly good at blowjobs but he wasn't, strictly speaking, bad at them either, it was just that his approach was very direct. He had no refinement or technique, he just sucked like a hoover. It got the job done alright but Lister would have preferred to be made a bit more fuss of, at least some of the time. He had tried to get Rimmer to improve but so far had pretty much hit a brick wall. Still, right now, Rimmer's approach was what he actually needed, he came pretty quickly, right down Rimmer's throat. Rimmer was an expert at catching it and swallowing with no spillage, but then he had always been very good at preventing a mess.
"Damn," Lister breathed. He tossed his empty lager can into the bin, tugged his underwear back up, and fell backwards into Rimmer's bunk.
Rimmer sat up, flushed faced and breathing hard.
"Okay there, big man?" Lister queried.
Rimmer didn't have an answer for that.
Lister eventually sat up and leaned out of the bunk to search his clothes for his cigarettes. He lit one, took a deep drag and wordlessly passed it over to Rimmer. Rimmer took it, took a puff, and passed it back without comment.
Lister tried to get comfortable in the bunk but something hard was poking into him from under the bedding, he dug around until he found it. It turned out to be Rimmer's report book, he didn't use it that much these days, though it had never completely disappeared. Lister wondered what it was doing in Rimmer's bunk. He tucked his cigarette into his ear to free up his hands and opened it, flicking to the most recently written page.
"Now hang on," Rimmer complained. "That's second technician property, miladdo."
The heading read H&S Violations. "What's H&S stand for?" Lister asked.
"Health and Safety, you modo."
Lister read through the list aloud. "Performing fellatio with a lit cigarette in one hand. Performing fellatio on a recipient who is holding a hot beverage. Performing analingus with a lit cigarette in one hand. What's analingus?"
"The medical term for that thing where you put your tongue in my anus."
"Yeah, that's called a ri...,"
"I know the slang term, thank you, Lister. You can't get through life surnamed 'Rimmer' and not find that one out at some point."
Lister shrugged. "I deliberately didn't point that out. I thought it would just annoy you."
"Well, the boys at school did. So has Todhunter, actually. He made some comment about it being a good name for an arsekisser."
Lister grinned. "Okay, that's smegging brilliant!" He ignored Rimmer's scowl and returned to the list. "Anal penetration with an unwashed dildo. If you wanted to wash it first, you could have just said so at the time."
"I didn't find out you were supposed to wash them fresh out of the packet until later! I don't exactly have experience with those things! You're the one who's supposed to know that stuff."
The last time they'd been on Mimas for planet leave, Lister had steered him towards the sex shops and they'd eventually returned to the ship with a selection of condoms and lubricants in more interesting textures, scents and flavours than the ship issue plain stuff, along with an array of brightly coloured plastic and rubber items, some of which were a mystery to Rimmer until Lister explained them.
Lister had dragged Rimmer away though when he'd seen him looking at handcuffs and holowhips. "No!" he'd stated loudly. "You want any of that smeg, you can find yourself a different sex buddy."
"I was only looking," Rimmer had protested. Lister had eyed him with suspicion but then dropped the matter and it had never come up again.
"You know, I don't think any of these are official Health and Safety violations," he commented, returning to the list. "Penetrative anal sex on a table with an insecure leg. Receptive anal sex in an unsecured swivel chair. You are not complaining about that?!"
The only swivel chair they'd ever made use of was Captain Hollister's, the time they had sneaked into his office during his absence to try and get a look at the personnel files. The files had turned out to be password protected, Rimmer had tried "doughnuts", Lister had remembered the American spelling was different and suggested "donuts" and then they had given up as a third wrong try would sound an alarm but, realising they had the captain's office to themselves with the door locked, hadn't just left again.
Somehow Rimmer had ended up kicking back in the captain's chair, smoking a cigar. Lister, after watching him thoughtfully for a bit, ended up pulling his trousers round his ankles and sucking him until he was rock hard and dripping wet, then climbing into his lap and riding him into the middle of next week whilst calling him 'Captain Rimmer'.
"So how was that performance, Captain?" he'd asked afterwards.
"Excellent work, Officer Lister. Keep up this level of performance and you might make First Officer before long."
"Well, no, I'm not complaining," Rimmer admitted. "I'm just making a list."
"So what about, 'Distracting a senior technician with a handjob under the table during a meeting'?" Lister suggested.
"That wasn't a Health and Safety violation, that was just a misdemeanour, there's a separate list for those. For all the times you've grabbed me or started grinding against me when we're supposed to be working."
"You smegging hypocrite! How many times have we worked a shift where you can't keep your hands off my arse?"
"That's different," Rimmer insisted. "I'm in charge of the shift. You're not."
"What's the point of this list anyway?" Lister wanted to know. "What are you going to do with it?"
"I'm not entirely sure," Rimmer admitted.
Lister rolled his eyes and stuffed the book back under the pillow. Then settled back to finish his cigarette. "You know something?" he remarked. "When I joined the Space Corps, I thought it would just be working a basic job during the day, and drinking in the evenings. I never thought getting routinely buggered by my shift manager would be part of it."
"Well, now, just a minute, miladdo, you started all this!"
Lister hit him with a pillow. "I'm not complaining, smeghead!"
Rimmer irritably wrestled the pillow away from him and folded it behind his back, making himself more comfortable.
"I'll tell you something though," Lister admitted as he stubbed out the cigarette. "At this point, I've probably had sex with you more times than with anyone else."
"Really?" said Rimmer, looking very pleased about that.
"Yeah," Lister agreed, doing some mental adding up. "Not more times than in my whole life full stop, but more times than with any other individual person."
"..., Is that good?" Rimmer tentatively enquired.
Lister grinned. "Yeah, I think so."