Work Text:
It had been six months since Loki had last brought mischief or mayhem to Earth. It was unheard of and it had only happened after Tony had spoken to him for ten minutes amidst a battle. Loki had nodded, almost smiled and then disappeared.
Since then, the Avengers hadn’t seen hide or hair of him. Tony knew everyone had been dying to know what he’d said to the mage. So far, he’d remained tight-lipped. The bribes had been getting better and better though.
Today, Rogers had made him the most amazing waffles with crispy maple bacon and perfect eggs. He’d even managed to brew a perfect cup of coffee. Tony wasn’t sure what could top this.
Rogers took his plate and repoured him his coffee. He was travelling back to the kitchen when Barton asked the question on everyone’s minds. No one expected him to answer at this point. And that was why Tony decided to do it.
“So, how did you get Loki to stop terrorising Earth?”
Tony took another perfect sip of coffee before answering, “I married him.”
The sound of the plates smashing on the ground had never been so satisfying. Tony tried not to let his smile form. The Avengers common room was deathly quiet.
“You what?” Barton demanded.
Tony flicked a glance at Bruce, but there was only shock, no sign of green. Romanov was frowning, Thor was gaping and Rogers hadn’t even started picking up the ceramic shards yet.
“Married him,” Tony answered. “He wanted me to, I’d been resisting but I gave in. Now, we rarely have to fight anymore. He much prefers me in bed then saving the Earth. It’s kind of great, actually. He keeps stopping all the bad guys for us and I get to invent and enjoy Rogers' waffles.”
“You married Loki,” Romanov said slowly as if testing the words.
“Mm,” Tony hummed, taking another sip.
Thor was shaking his head. “It is not so. Loki would not marry a mortal. Nor would he marry in secrecy. He would demand-”
Tony reached under his shirt and pulled out the necklace he always wore now. Woven with charms and kept from sight. There was the standard Earth wedding band, but there was also the symbol of infinity woven together by two snakes.
Thor made a strangled noise and rose from his seat to get a better look. When he saw the glinting green eye of one snake and the blood red eye of the other. The noise repeated again. He dropped heavily onto the cushion beside him.
“I have dishonoured you by disbelieving your vows and procuring no gift,” Thor said, sounding mournful.
Tony slipped the necklace back under his shirt before patting Thor on the arm.
“All good, buddy. You’ve got an eternity to make it up to me.”
“Eternity?” Bruce squeaked.
“You have no idea how much I wanted to keep a sample of that golden apple, Brucey. But Loki said I had to eat it all. Even the core. Which, yuck. That shit was sour.”
“I can’t believe you married Loki,” Barton said, disgust starting to show through the shock. “How the fuck does that even happen?”
Tony shrugged. “He asked, I said yes. Pretty simple really.”
Of course, it was a lot more complicated than that, but Tony wasn’t about to go into the specifics. That was for him and Loki, not the Avengers.
Instead, he took another mouthful of coffee and smiled behind the rim.
He hoped JARVIS was sending Loki a feed of what was happening. He knew his trickster lover would be laughing himself silly.
Tony figured their reactions were just as good as any other wedding gift. Although, he would still need to record the one where he told Fury.