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Marcus will never admit to it, but sometimes, he dreams about his stay with the Seal people. He dreams about Esca, the fierceness present in his eyes, the hard press of his lips and the steel set of his jaw. And he dreams about how that Esca, violent and harsh in nature, is so different from his own Esca, who is strong and determined, but never cruel – he dreams about how that Esca had forced him to his knees, buried his hands in hair and exposed his neck, had called him slave.
It worries him, sometimes, because he doesn’t think these are the things he should be dreaming about – at least, not in the way he dreams. He shouldn’t be waking up, painfully hard, gasping for breath, sometimes having already found his release in sleep. He doesn’t think he should wish Esca would sometimes – not all the time, for he loves his Esca as he is too – be the Esca he was while they were with the Seal people.
But he knows it will never happen because to have that Esca, he would first have to have this Esca, and he does not believe Esca will ever feel that way about him.
They have been working their farm for sixteen months. Marcus thinks if Esca did love him, then he would have already said something. The reality, though, is that Esca seems perfectly content with the labor required to maintain the farm. He makes it apparent that he enjoys Marcus’s company and companionship, but he shows no interest in moving their relationship beyond friendship.
Marcus tries not to think about it too much, because thinking about it makes his heart hurt in ways he never thought it could.
The day is beautiful. The sun shines down and warms him pleasantly, making it easier for him to plow the ground. On warm days like this, he can go hours before his leg begins to hurt again, and he has every intention of working today. He’d woken up after one of those dreams, hard and aching, body begging for release. He’d refused to give it, though, and now he grits his teeth and ignores the dull ache between his leg as he urges the plow horse to move faster.
Esca works near the house, chopping wood for the fire they will use to cook their dinner. He is wearing only a pair of thin trousers, and it takes all of Marcus’s willpower not to stare. Staring would be akin to admitting what he felt, and as much as he loves Esca, he will not ruin their friendship because his own feelings are unrequited.
He is so focused on the plowing of the fields that he does not notice Esca finish until he is standing only a short distance away, watching Marcus work.
“Have you decided today is one of leisure?” Marcus asks, smiling to soften his words.
Esca leans against a wooden post and grins. “I thought I’d watch you do all the work for once.”
“You find plowing that entertaining then?”
A dark look and a flicker of…something flashes across Esca’s eyes. It is dark and heated, but it is gone before Marcus can place it.
Esca clears his throat. “Plowing? Not so much.” He turns and leaves, heading around their house and disappearing from Marcus’s sight.
Marcus watches him leave, and wonders if he said something wrong.
*****
Marcus drinks too much wine that night, his thoughts preoccupied with Esca and the way his fingers look wrapped around a golden goblet or pushing the fringe back from his brow. He wonders what those fingers would look like against the sun-darkened expanse of his own skin. The paleness of Esca’s flesh would prove a startling contrast, he thinks.
When his thoughts drift to the skin at the hollow of Esca’s throat, the glimpse of Esca’s chest he can see through the loose laces of Esca’s tunic, the way being a freeman has filled Esca out, now that he has proper food and adequate rest, and the way that is reflected in the new tightness of his breeches…that is when Marcus knows better than to stay and continue drinking. He stands and excuses himself, having every intention of sleeping off his drink.
He stumbles to his room and is surprised when Esca follows, slipping inside before Marcus has a chance to close the door.
“Esca,” he murmurs.
Esca steps forward and places a hand on his chest, and Marcus allows himself to lean into the touch. He can blame the wine in the morning.
“You, my Marcus, are a fool of a Roman,” he says.
Marcus tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”
Esca chuckles. “I know you don’t,” he says. “I’ve been waiting, because I thought you had principles.”
Marcus is very confused. He doesn’t know what to say, and he thinks perhaps he has had more wine than he remembers. “Esca, please…”
“Hush,” Esca says, before he reaches up and pulls Marcus down to him. Their lips meet, and all Marcus can think is Oh…
The kiss is clumsy. Neither of them know their way around each other’s mouth, and the wine makes Marcus’s head foggy. The combination of Esca and wine makes him dizzy with pleasure, though, and he wraps his arms around Marcus and pulls him as close to himself as possible. He doesn’t know if this will be real in the morning, but maybe if he holds on tight enough, Esca won’t disappear.
When they break away, both are breathing hard. Esca’s lips are slick and Marcus has never seen him more beautiful. He traces Esca’s features, touching his brow and cheek, then his neck, chest, until his hands are braced on Esca’s hip.
“I…” he trails off, not sure where to begin.
Esca smiles up at him, presses himself against him. Marcus can feel Esca’s hardness against his thigh, and the thought that Esca feels that for him makes heat pool low in his gut.
“I want you,” he says, finally.
Esca nods. “I know,” he says. He removes Marcus’s hands from his waist, then strips himself of his tunic.
“Always,” Marcus says.
Esca pauses, his hands at the lacings of Marcus’s trousers. “Always?”
“Yes. As…I don’t know what to call it. As lovers, but always. Partners and companions and friends…I want it all with you,” he says. “And I want to be equal.”
Esca doesn’t say anything, but Marcus knows he understands. Marcus doesn’t want a bedmate – or at least, not just a bedmate. He doesn’t want to take. He wants a bond, and even in bed he wants to be equal.
“Let me do this,” Esca says. “I know enough to not hurt you.”
Marcus nods, relieved, because he has no experience in love, not between men. He doesn’t protest when Esca strips them both. When Esca kneels to suck his cock, Marcus doesn’t think he’s ever felt anything like this, and he doesn’t think anything will ever feel as good as this, but Esca, like usual, proves him wrong when he slicks his fingers and spreads Marcus open.
Marcus is nervous, because Esca was right. He does have principles that have been instilled in him, but Esca knows how far to push him, how to take him just a little further than he is comfortable with without giving him more than he can handle. Esca pushes him onto his back and spreads his legs, holding his wrists so he cannot move, but he moves slowly, deliberately, leaving the rest of Marcus’s body unbound. If Marcus wants to twist free, it would be an easy thing to do.
When Esca slides into him, Marcus arches upwards. He quiets the part of his mind that tells him he should not enjoy this, should not enjoy submitting. This is not a battle, he knows. This, with Esca, is so much more. It’s not submitting, it’s sharing, and he wants to share every bit of himself.
After, he trembles and clings to Esca more than he will ever admit, and if Esca teases, he knows they will both blame the wine.
Sleep does not come immediately that night. They curl around each other, and Marcus marvels at how perfectly their bodies fit together. He traces Esca’s sleeping features with his eyes and remembers what he looked like, above him, thrusting. He wants that again, he realizes. It goes beyond the pleasure Esca gave him. He wants Esca. He wants Esca with him, next to him, in him, under him, and he wants Esca to want him in those ways too.
He thinks about their brief words earlier, about waiting, and realizes that maybe, perhaps, he already has Esca.
He remembers his dreams and grins. His principles will need to be overcome, but he looks forward to being pushed beyond what is comfortable. He will not mention his dreams tomorrow, but…soon, he thinks.
He presses a chaste kiss to Esca’s lips.
Very soon.