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“It has come to my attention,” Starbuck addressed the ready room of pilots, many of them brand new nuggets,“that a bunkroom etiquette lesson is in order.”
Lee stood to one side. “We understand that many of you didn’t get the benefit of an Academy education.”
“If you had, you’d have learned what’s acceptable when sleeping in shared quarters. Emphasis on SLEEPING.”
Apollo nodded sternly, arms folded across his chest.
“To this point. Someone needs to turn off the vibration on their godsdamn Rabbit Pearl because the rumbling is so loud I can hear it in the corridor.” Kara paused and glared at the room. “And, someone else has a high pitched vibrator that makes the wall by my rack buzz. Do NOT attach vibrating things to the walls, people. The walls are made of metal.”
Lee shook his head in disgust. “Some things are common sense. Pilots need sleep. Don’t wake people up.”
“Sounds simple because it is,” Starbuck added. “Keep your sounds, and your smells,” she shot a hard look at someone in the back row, “to yourselves.”
Kat lifted a tentative hand and Kara rolled her eyes, tipping her face toward Lee in quiet refusal to field whatever nonsense was about to pop out of Kat’s mouth.
“Yes, Kat.” Lee said in a rather formal tone.
“Umm, hypothetically, what if the Rabbit Pearl doesn’t… work when it is turned off, because then the ears don’t vibrate and are just in the way of…”
“Frakking Frak!” Kara cut in, stepping in front of Lee protectively. “Decorum please! It’s my job to embarrass the CAG.”
“Sleep does matter.” Kat piped up. “That’s why it’s important to…”
“Other people in this room have learned to live without vibration, am I right? If Hotdog can do it…”
Hotdog raised his hand. “But mine doesn’t have ears in the way,” He offered. “Maybe try a different kind?”
Lee looked down and kicked the floor.
“Has this become a brainstorming session? Fine. Let’s go to War College. We’re designing a mission.” Kara wheeled a whiteboard to the center of the platform and pushed Lee gently to the edge.
“First, let’s clarify the desired outcome.”
“Sleep,” said Lee, limitingthe scope of the mission.
“I agree.” Kara said. “Occasionally you’re right.”
“Now, let’s make a list of tactics to achieve the desired outcome.” Kara wrote the word “SLEEP” in blue and switched to green marker for the next line. “Yes, Pipsqueak.”
“Quiet.”
“Very good. What else?”
Dust-up waved and Kara called on her. “Privacy?”
“Yes,” said Kara. “That’s what curtains are for, so everyone please use them as intended.”
“Stillness!” Flare added, sounding proud of his contribution. “No shaking, vibrating or thumping.”
“Very good.” Kara wrote it down and underlined it. “These are all things that can be learned with practice.”
Kat raised her hand high, and Kara pointed to her with a skeptical “Yes, Kat?”
“Orgasms. They help sleep.”
Kara wrote it down in green. “Optionally, orgasms.”
An exasperated sigh escaped Lee’s corner of the room.
“What,” Kara said in his direction before aiming the rest of her commentary at the audience. “Masturbation is healthy, especially if you wash your hands and toys before and after. It’s a great sleep aid.” Then, taking a few steps closer to Lee, she whispered, “godssakes. We have a bunkroom full of young pilots who aren’t supposed to fraternize…”
Lee groaned. “Is this appropriate in the briefing room, Kara?”
“Do you think we’d have their full attention if we held this meeting in the rec?”
Kara returned to her whiteboard. “Logistics. How can an orgasm be utilized without undermining the tactical advantages of quiet, privacy, and stillness?”
The room was silent.
“Maybe my question wasn’t clear,” said Kara. “Here’s an example. Breath control.” She wrote it down in orange.
“Gotta learn to keep it soft and even. Senior officers have perfected that. I barely ever hear Lee, even though my rack is just across… Eyes up here, Wheels. A lot of you need to work on this.”
Lee shot Kara the hardest possible scowl, jaw clenching.
She tilted her head, hissing in a whisper, “I’m trying to use you as a role model, Lee, so act like one.”
“Starbuck! Could you not?” he hissed back.
“And his hand hygiene is excellent. Can anyone add to the list of logistics? I can think of many…”
“Use a toy without ears?” Kat asked tentatively.
“Correct!” Kara wrote ‘bunkroom-appropriate toys’ in orange. “Let’s do a subsection here in red. What are the properties of a good instrument for this use case? Back to you, Hotdog.”
“Are we talking exclusively about dildos, or are we also talking about, like… a Fleshlight kind of...”
“Good question. Let’s focus on insertables for now. Nothing needing advanced clean up.” Kara tapped the big word at the top. “Eyes on the prize. Sleep.”
Dust-up earnestly took notes with colored pens that matched the board.
Hotdog raised his hand again.
“Gold star for participation by the way,” said Kara, pointing with her marker.
“It helps to have something smooth and non-porous that washes off quickly when no one is looking, and shaped with enough of a curve that you don’t have to rustle the mattress to reach…”
“Curved to reach means nothing needs to be suction-cupped to the wall!!” blurted Racetrack.
The red marker flew in Kara’s hand as she recorded the list. “Smooth. Curved. Non-porous. I’m in agreement,” Kara stated. “Now, can you all find your way around the black market and the gambling tables well enough to find what you need? Or should we make a supply run?”
Kara scanned the rows of faces, and gave Lee a questioning glance.
“This is your exercise, Starbuck. I’ll let you finish it.”
Drawing closer, she grumbled, “Could you at least sound supportive?”
“If you improve sleeping conditions, I’ll explain your good intentions to Tigh if he catches word. This is a third rail topic and I’m not touching it.”
“Try and be practical, Lee!”
“I am. I seriously doubt this will help with sleep.”
“Oh, you’ll be sleeping better.” Kara turned on her heel. "It’s well known that, as a group, you suck at triad, and a lot of you are too naive to cope with the black market. Therefore we will assist in procurement.”
Kara took out a blank clipboard and handed it to the first pilot in the front row. “Write down your name if you want one.”
“Kara.” Lee stepped in and took the clipboard. “Have to draw the line there. It’s too close to asking the pilots to publicly share…”
“Okay, fine. I’ll just get one toy for each pilot whether or not they want one. It’s gonna have to be custom fabrication to get this many.” Kara huffed and loudly notified the room, “No one needs to disclose if they like penetration. Don’t disclose!!!”
Lee stepped back into his dim corner, face looking more pained than before, if that was possible.
A new pilot in the back shyly lifted her hand. “If they are custom and all look the same, how do we tell them apart?”
“Excellent point. Solutions? Anyone! Shout it out.”
“Labels.”
“Name tags.”
“I have a label maker.”
“Aannnd, we have teamwork. Everyone’s on the same page.” Starbuck beamed at Lee.
“Helo, I delegate this supply run to you. Take Hotdog with you to design the prototype. He’s apparently our resident expert.”
Hotdog glowed with sheepish pride. “I can recommend a design that I think everyone will like, with round balls on either side so nothing slips in too far... And can we distribute them with lube?”
“You’re on fire, Hotdog! Never seen you so engaged! Lee! Aren’t you proud? I’m so proud!”
Hotdog rubbed the carpet with his feet and squirmed happily.
A young man in the back, who Kara remembered naming Noodles, wiggled his fingers hesitantly and asked, “is there going to be training? On how to use…”
“Is it okay if I answer?” asked Hotdog with newly found confidence. After a nod from Kara, he responded, “Full body orgasms make for great sleep. Just explore, especially inside a few inches, where the g-spot would be in a…”
“What’s a g-spot?” The same pilot asked.
“Are you serious?” Kat turned around outraged. “How old are you, anyway?”
“Eighteen.” Noodles’ voice cracked.
“Please tell me you know where the clitoris is.” Kat said flatly.
No one said a word.
“Raise your hand if you know what a clitoris is and where it’s located,” Kat shouted, still turned around in her seat.
Kara watched, stunned. There were about five young pilots in the room who didn’t have their hands up, and two were cis women.
“I don’t understand what I’m seeing. Someone explain this to me,” Kara asked the room, all the enthusiasm drained from her face.
It was Lee who stepped forward this time. “I’m wondering if some of you missed out on sexual health class because your schooling was cut short when the Cylons attacked. Raise your hand if you didn’t get sex ed in school. No need to be ashamed. It’s not your fault.”
Seven of the youngest pilots raised their hands. Kara backed slowly out of the spotlight, leaving Lee to hold center stage.
“Oh my gods, I think maybe they wouldn’t even have had porn…” Kat’s face looked as stricken as Kara felt.
Lee stopped Kat from speaking with a wave of his hand. “I’m glad this has come to my attention. It is actually important to your military service to know to prevent STIs and pregnancy, and to understand consent. I’ll be contacting Cottle to begin a course for you. This will be important for all young recruits going forward.”
“Sir?” Helo raised his hand. “May I have a word?”
Lee beckoned Helo closer and they conferred in low voices before Lee gave his update.
“Helo used to be a TA in a course on health and fitness at the Academy. It had a unit on healthy sexuality, which he’s volunteered to teach. Class will be on Tuesday mornings and I’ll rearrange CAPs so that the seven of you can attend. If anyone else feels like they need a refresher, see me privately and I’ll add you to the roster.”
Noodles asked again, gingerly, “So, will we learn about the…”
“Yes.” Helo smiled supportively. “There will be sections on anatomy and masturbation. It will be a safe place to ask questions.”
“Thank you for your patience and honesty today, everyone,” Lee said. “Dismissed.”
Kara was still standing stiffly just out of the spotlight as the last pilot saluted them and filed out of the room.
Lee approached and rubbed her arm. “Hey, you okay, Kara?”
“They’re so young, Lee. So young. It’s not just that they didn’t have school. Or porn. It hit me that they probably don’t have family.”
“I know for a fact that they don’t.” Lee put his other hand on her other arm and massaged by squeezing gently up and down her biceps. “Besides us. And each other.”
“Did I just agree to do a bulk order of custom sex toys for our children?” Kara asked in a hushed voice.
“You didn’t just agree to it, you made it into a strategic mission and collaborative design project. But,” he pulled her in for a hug and made a spot for her chin on his shoulder, “your heart was in the right place and they are adults. Besides, someone had to put a stop to the vibration.”
Kara was relieved to have Helo on duty for the young pilots. Their coming of age process had been changed by the war, interrupted in some ways and accelerated in others.
A few weeks later, Helo handed Kara a box of shiny new glass dildos. They were about seven inches long, curved, with a larger ball shape on one side and a smaller one on the other side. Helo had skipped the name stickers and gotten engraved initials instead.
“Please tell your students that masturbation is optional,” Kara urged. “And that not everyone likes penetration. No one is expected to use these. They’re just a quiet option…”
“Shhh.” Karl hugged her and stopped her rambling. “Already covered it. You didn’t freak them out. They’re used to the way things happen around here. Used to you, you know?”
“Really?”
“I think of these as practical gifts. I’m looking forward to trying mine.” Karl held up a dildo bearing the letters KA, then tucked it under the pillow of his rack.
They went about placing dildos on each bed next to a pump bottle of lube, and Kara grinned as she carefully laid out the one initialed LA on the rack across from her own.
That night Kara could hear occasional twists or other plasticky sounds of pump bottles being brought into working order, but otherwise nothing except an occasional rustle of sheets. It was possibly the quietest the rack room had ever been. The discipline in silent breathing was quite impressive. Kara sighed happily and rolled over with her new instrument in hand.
Everyone looked fully rested the next morning, even Lee. In fact, he brought her coffee in bed, crouching beside the rack to hold it for her, eyes glittering and face so near. His body was relaxed, loose, and yes, Kara thought, Lee seemed like he’d slept very well indeed.