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Remus blew gently on his hot chocolate, hoping to help it cool off a tad to become the perfect drinking temperature. He put it down on the end table to his right, settled more comfortably into his chair and pulled a book on his lap, ready to have a relaxing afternoon at home.
Harry was off to watch his girlfriend play quidditch and Sirius was keeping to himself, off in his own room—which had been happening more and more lately. So while Remus didn’t exactly have Grimmauld Place to himself for the afternoon, it felt like he did. He was going to sip his hot chocolate, read his book and luxuriate in the sensation of being undisturbed for the next several hours.
So he nearly spilled his drink all over his book when his peace was interrupted a few moments later by the frantic sound of knocking on the door to his study. It was odd. Sirius never knocked.
“Ah, can I help you?” Remus asked cautiously — not sure who was on the other side of the door, taking a deep breath, seeing if he smelled anything unfamiliar.
“I really hope so,” came a worried voice from the other side of the door. “Remus, I need to borrow you for a minute.”
He knew that voice. Why was she here? Remus furrowed his brow as he got up and crossed the floor, opening the door to a very frazzled Hermione Granger wringing her hands, looking quite distraught. “Hermione? When did you get here? I thought Harry was out this afternoon.”
Hermione flushed a deep red. “Ah, a while ago. And yes, Harry is not here. I — well, I suppose it’s actually Sirius that needs your help, but we both need your discretion.”
Remus sighed. “What has he done now?”
“Actually, I think one is my fault,” she said in a small voice.
“You broke your penis?” Remus asked, his voice resigned.
“Yes, fuck!” Sirius lay on his back on his bed, his face white and pinched as he held his hands over his injured member after briefly letting Remus get a look at the damage. “It’s not usually bent, Moony.”
“Technically I think I did it,” Hermione said, biting her lip, her expression grave.
“It’s my fault, kitten. I put you on top. And I was the one telling you to go harder.”
Remus closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “Can we — can we just not? How long has this been going on?” he asked, gesturing at the two of them, with their matching guilty expressions.
“Six months,” Hermione said without hesitation at the same moment Sirius said, “Three months.”
Hermione glared daggers at her injured paramour. Sirius cleared his throat and spoke quickly. “Fine, six months since we started — something. But we’ve only been sleeping together for three. Can we please get back to my broken cock?”
“You need to go to St. Mungos,” Remus said flatly.
“Eh, I’d rather not. Can’t you do a healing charm?”
“Why can’t Hermione do it?” Hermione was in fact an excellent amateur healer. If they weren’t going to St. Mungos anyway, Remus saw no reason why she couldn’t have handled this without him and left him permanently in the dark as to their sexual escapades.
Hermione shook her head. “I can’t — I’m too out of sorts and I’m afraid I’ll hurt him more. Besides, my wizarding first aid is more geared towards field medicine. This isn’t something I encountered in any battle fields.”
Remus snorted. Fair enough. 'Bent dick' probably wasn’t all that common.
Sirius moaned in pain and Hermione winced. She put out a hand to comfort him, but pulled it back with an uncertain expression. “Can we at least get him a pain potion? Surely you have one of those on hand, Remus. I cannot stand to see him like this.”
“I’m the one that’s hurt, Hermione,” Sirius grumbled.
“I am aware, Sirius, but as it happens, out of all the people in this room, I’ve had the most up close and personal time with it and I’m the one who bloody broke it—it’s hurting me to see you in pain. So just —”
Remus took out his wand and summoned a pain potion from his room, handing it to Hermione who opened it before putting her hand underneath Sirius’s chin as she helped him drink it — his hands being occupied at the moment. Sirius looked at her with puppy dog eyes as she moved a lock of hair away from his eyes.
“Why the secrecy?” Remus asked, looking at the two of them closely. “Was it just to keep this from Harry?”
Hermione and Sirius exchanged glances.
Hermione swallowed and then turned away from Sirius to face him. “No, not Harry so much as Ron. If Harry knows he will tell Ron. If Ron finds out now, well I don’t think his reaction will be positive, but it will at least muted. Which was not the case six months ago — because back then Ron was still asking me out. And even now, Ron will tell Molly. He won’t be able to help himself and she will be unkind about it.” She cleared her throat before speaking in a quieter tone of voice. “So we kept — this — secret. I just didn’t want to deal with the fallout. Especially when I wasn’t sure if Sirius would ever be, I don’t know, serious about me. Even before I broke his dick.” Hermione’s gaze was fixed on the floor as she mumbled the last sentence.
Sirius looked at her aghast, reaching out to her before recalling exactly why his hands were cradling his penis and wincing. “What? Kitten, I — Hermione. I thought you wanted it to be a secret because you were ashamed of me.”
It was Hermione’s turn to look appalled. “What? No! Of course not. That’s ridiculous.”
“I’m a famously-escaped convict who is nineteen years older than you. I don’t think it’s ridiculous.”
“That’s — that’s not how I think of you. Except for a terrifying few minutes when we first met, that’s never what I’ve thought of you, Sirius.”
“Good, because you are amazing and if you want to drag this relationship in the light — maybe not necessarily today, mind you — but anytime else, I am all for it. You are worth a broken dick, kitten. That’s how much I want to be with you.”
“Oh,” Hermione said, her eyes wide and blinking for a moment before she smiled. “Okay. I’d like that. A lot, actually.”
Sirius managed a small smile. “Will you still want to be with me if I can’t get this fixed?” It was said in a joking manner, but Remus had known Padfoot most of his life. The feigned levity was hiding real concern.
Hermione looked offended by the mere notion, before rushing forward to carefully hug the dark haired wizard by his shoulders. “Of course I will, Sirius! I’m in — ah, I care about you a great deal. Nothing will change that. But if you could do your best to protect your hands and tongue, I would personally appreciate it.”
Sirius grinned at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he looked at the brunette witch fondly. “Deal.”
Remus had really thought scenarios like this were behind him — lost in the sands of time that was their Hogwarts era. And yet here he was — smack dab in the middle of the kind of utter foolishness that could only happen to Sirius Orion Black. Remus smiled, mostly to himself. He was glad to have his friend around — at least he knew life would never be boring.
Remus cleared his throat and put on the authoritative voice he had used while teaching. “Now that this is all settled — Sirius, I don’t think an episkey will solve this and I would like to not botch the repair only to be held responsible for any long term damage. I will take you to St. Mungos. I am sure they will be discreet and if not your new — girlfriend?” Remus’s tone was questioning because that sounded like that was where they landed on their relationship status, but no one had said it directly.
Sirius nodded and Hermione smiled broadly, before nodding as well.
“Anyway, your girlfriend is a dab hand with oblivation if it happens they are not.”
Hermione’s eyes narrowed and Sirius laughed.
Remus fixed his gaze on his oldest friend. “I wouldn’t laugh too hard, Pads. Because she’s good at undoing it as well, which amongst other things means you’re going to have to meet her parents.”
That shut him up.
“Okay, Hermione, you get his other shoulder — I’ll take this one and we’ll stand him up. Floo’s better than apparition with injuries — okay, one, two, three, UP!”
Sirius gasped out in pain as they moved him, before managing to stifle it into a groan. The pain potion was working, but it was clearly insufficient to the task. They needed to get him professional help quickly.
Remus’s train of thought was interrupted by an absolute cacophony of sound from their main parlour.
“Sirius! Remus! Rosalie caught the snitch so fast it was a new record! But not before Ginny ran up the score! Where are you guys? Come join the celebration!” Harry’s voice rang out through the house, just audible enough over the sound of boisterous celebration.
Hermione’s eyes went wide and she turned towards the two wizards, as Remus dropped his head and Sirius’s face lost all colour.
“Motherfucker,” the three said in unison.
“Alright!” Remus said. “New plan!”