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Model shot focussed on Wildfire, sailing smoothly through a dimensional tear. Camera zooms in further, focusing on Ace Rimmer, feet up on the console, eating an apple and with his wig discarded to the side, there is soft jazz playing from the ship’s radio. He takes a bite and speaks through the crunching in the normal, nasal whine of Arnold Rimmer.
ACE: I swear the wig has gotten itchier.
WILDFIRE’S COMPUTER: (She sighs.) No Arnold, the wig has not gotten itchier. It’s the same wig.
ACE: How come all the other goits could wear it no problem then?
WILDFIRE: (Muttered.) Maybe they were just better at it.
ACE: (Straightens up and places the apple to the side, he points at the monitor and the camera follows.) I’ll have you know that not 2 weeks ago, you finally admitted I wasn’t the worst one!
WILDFIRE: (Revealed to look a lot like Holly but with her hair in a bun and looking a lot more fed-up.) Admitting you weren’t the worst one doesn’t mean you’re the best. (Quieter.) You’re nowhere near.
ACE: (Takes a breath, considers, stops.) True. (Takes another bite of the apple.) Took to it quicker than I thought I would though.
WILDFIRE: (Rolls her eyes.) Stop seeking validation and check the scanners, we’ve got a distress call.
ACE: (Suddenly adjusts his posture to look more heroic and discards the apple.) Oh? (He types at Wildfire’s main monitor.)
WILDFIRE: Dimension 124, Red Dwarf.
ACE: (Adjusts flight path and seamlessly slips into the Ace voice.) Any idea what’s happening?
WILDFIRE: Why would I know?
ACE: (Pauses, annoyed.) You have an IQ of-
WILDFIRE: 6000, yes I am aware.
ACE: As far as I know, you’re not senile yet, you can figure it out!
WILDFIRE: I haven’t got any details, Arnold, only that navigation officer Kristine Kochanski has made a distress call alerting any nearby ships-
ACE: (Throughout her speech has been making several faces before interrupting.) Kristine Kochanski?
WILDFIRE: (Sighs.) Yes, Arnold, as I was saying, there seems to be considerable damage to the ship, you’d best get there quick.
ACE: (Adjusts his speed accordingly, turning Wildfire sharply.) Any life signs?
WILDFIRE: Inconclusive.
ACE: (Nods and puts on the wig.) Right. (Grim look of determination on his face.) Let’s go.
As Wildfire zooms across the screen, there is a cut to the corridors of Red Dwarf. Piles of rubble are littering the floor, steam escapes from a vent and the warning lights are flashing alarmingly. Amid the rubble lies Nano-Rimmer, a dented can some distance away and the paper with the formula intact. Blearily, he opens his eyes and sits up. He winces and rubs his head.
VENDING MACHINE: (Disappointed.) Oh, you’re not dead.
RIMMER: (Blinks.) I- I don’t think so. (Suddenly jolts to his feet.) The others, what’s happening?!
VENDING MACHINE: I don’t know. They said they’d come back once things had stabilised a bit.
RIMMER: (Looks around frantically.) But the machine broke, we’re stuck, it’s- (Swallows.) We’ve lost, this is it!
VENDING MACHINE: Wouldn’t be so sure.
RIMMER: (Looks at the machine, irritated.) Oh, what do you know? You’re just a vending machine!
VENDING MACHINE: Careful. I can launch another can.
RIMMER: (Scoffs and notices the piece of paper.) Great. (He picks it up.) This is useless. (He walks off with the paper down the corridor, dodging several fires and pieces of debris.) Come on Arnold, there has to be a way out, they’ve faced worse, where’s the smegging mirror? (Places his face in his hands.) I can’t think of anything!
Holly flashes on a nearby monitor, he is at a 45-degree angle.
HOLLY: Need a hand?
RIMMER: (Elated.) Yes! God yes!
HOLLY: Oh. Well, I’ll let you know if I can find one.
RIMMER: What?
HOLLY: Well, I’m just a head, innit?
RIMMER: Holly, please, just look into those long-dead circuits and see if there’s something that will get me out of this mess!
HOLLY: (Looks uncertain.) I’ll try…
He fades out into the background, Rimmer gets startled by a nearby snap of electricity.
RIMMER: I’m doomed. (He coughs on some smoke and continues trying to find the mirror room.)
There’s a cut back to Wildfire where Ace is trying to find a place to dock his ship safely.
ACE: What’s happening here?
WILDFIRE: Not sure, it seems like the ship is dissolving as we speak. The landing bay is half munched already!
ACE: (Biting his lip.) That can’t be good, emergency oxygen can only do so much, especially if the ship is literally open to the vacuum of space…
WILDFIRE: I’d imagine emergency protocols have been put in place.
ACE: I’d hope so, otherwise there’d be nothing to find but exploded mush and dust. (Steers Wildfire sharply to the left.) Right, let’s land.
WILDFIRE: But-
ACE: I’m a hologram, remember? (Smirks.) Or had you forgotten?
WILDFIRE: (Affectionately.) That’s my Ace.
Wildfire swoops into the landing bay and Ace quickly throws himself out of the ship, latching onto one of the pipes that haven’t dissolved yet. He carefully makes his way over to the doors, sealed shut and uneaten, and, even more carefully, slides his way through as quickly as possible so they seal nicely behind him.
ACE: (Grinning.) Nice one! (Grimaces as he realises he has started talking to himself.)
Ace heads down the corridor at a running pace, dodging fires and all manner of hazardous material, he runs straight past a discarded bazookoid before doubling back and picking it up, just in case. As he gets more into the habited levels of the ship, he starts to slow a little.
ACE: Holly? Holly?!
HOLLY: (Fades in on one of the monitors, still at an angle.)
ACE: (Jumps slightly.) Holly!
HOLLY: I’m a bit busy.
ACE: Holly, what’s happening here?!
HOLLY: Corrosive micro-organism, you know the deal.
ACE: (Blinks.) Ah. Sure. (Shakes his head.) Any survivors?
HOLLY: Floor 3, officer’s quarters.
ACE: (Nods.) On it. (Pauses.) Are you alright?
HOLLY: (Looks at him with unfocused eyes.) Two matcha lattes and an iced bun, please. (His image completely disappears.)
ACE: (Looks unbothered.) Same old, same old I see. (He shakes his head and springs into action.)
The camera follows Ace as he jogs off down a corridor, he looks longingly at a lift before remembering the mortal danger the ship is in and instead hurtles up the stairs, taking them two at a time.
Sharp cut to Nano-Rimmer, he is holding the damaged mirror portal machine up to his face and seems to be struggling to repair it in some way, his hands are shaking. It gives a gentle hum and pop and he looks hopeful for a second before all noise stops and his dejected and downright terrified expression returns. He jolts upright, hearing something in the distance.
ACE: Hello?! Anyone there?!
RIMMER: (Gasps like a fish for a moment before remembering he has to say something if he wants to live.) Yes! Over here!
The camera cuts to Ace who looks briefly bewildered at hearing what is effectively his own voice, he’s never really gotten used to that.
ACE: Where are you?!
Split-screen. Ace on the left continuing from the previous statement, Nano-Rimmer on the right, biting his lip and thinking about how to go about this.
RIMMER: Marco?
ACE: (Baffled at first, realisation comes over him.) Polo! I’m not sure you know how to play this game.
RIMMER: (Annoyed.) Marco!
ACE: Polo!
Throughout this, Ace is getting closer to Nano-Rimmer. They continue this until Ace gets to a door. He knocks on it.
ACE: Marco?
RIMMER: Polo!
Ace grins and opens the door. Nano-Rimmer looks up at him and then does a double-take. Ace ignores this.
ACE: Quite a scrape you’ve got yourself into this time, ey Arnie?
RIMMER: You’re- You’re me?!
ACE: Never met an Ace before?
RIMMER: Sorry?
ACE: (Looks him up and down.) Ah yes, you’re a lot younger than usual. (He ponders for a second.) Strange, this didn’t register as a time jump…
RIMMER: (He puts his hands together.) Sorry to interrupt your musings, Captain Bacofoil. (Typical Rimmer smarmy grin.) But are you going to get to the point anytime soon?
ACE: (A stormy, very Rimmer expression comes across his face but before he can act on it, he carefully puts on an impassive smile.) Of course, I’ve come to help.
RIMMER: (Snorts.) And how exactly could a bloke in a silly wig help in this situation?
ACE: (Briefly self-consciously adjusts the wig.) Well… (He looks around at the wreckage and then focuses on the machine.) I could fix that, for a start. (He makes a move to grab it.)
RIMMER: Ah ah ah! (Moves the machine out of his grasp.) How do I know I can trust you?!
ACE: (Fed-up.) Arnold Judas Rimmer, you give me that machine right now or you’re going to die! (Looks shady.) We’re *both* going to die, I mean.
RIMMER: (Looks at him, then hands over the machine.)
ACE: Thank you. You cannot afford to be picky when someone is saving your life!
RIMMER: Get smegged.
ACE: (Can’t resist.) Oooo! (Condescending.)
RIMMER: (Twitch of rage.)
Sharp cut, Kochanski, Lister, Cat and Kryten are hurrying down the corridor of the mirror Red Dwarf, all but Kryten are dressed in space suits.
LISTER: Is this gonna work?
KOCHANSKI: Who knows, at least we’ll live a little longer. Maybe give us enough time for my distress call to get out.
KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski is right, sir, we’ll be able to establish a proper plan once we get through the portal.
CAT: Yeah, at least then I’ll figure out how to die stylishly!
The group roll their eyes at him and walk through the door into the mirror room. Kryten picks up the machine and gives it a sharp smack. Kochanski winces.
LISTER: Ok. Helmets on guys, we don’t know what we’re gonna find.
The others comply and they head through the mirror.
Cut to the Rimmers, studying the machine. Ace seems to be finding it easy, but Nano-Rimmer keeps getting in his way.
RIMMER: Watch out for that wire, it’s live.
ACE: I know.
RIMMER: And that pipe’s gonna blow.
ACE: No it’s not, that’s a battery.
RIMMER: Oh.
ACE: (Turns to him, annoyed.) How the smeg are you first technician?
The mirror portal glows before Nano-Rimmer can answer. The others gingerly remove their helmets. Ace looks at the machine, it beeps.
LISTER: Rimmer?
RIMMER: There you are! I thought you’d left me to die!
KOCHANSKI: In our defence, we thought you’d left us to die.
LISTER: Yeah, that one seemed more likely.
Finally, the others seem to notice Ace, who looks at them, then looks back at the considerably younger Rimmer. He looks confused for a second but covers it in false bravado. Lister’s face slowly morphs into a grin.
LISTER: Eyy hang on, Ace?!
ACE: (Blinks at them before putting on a bright grin.) Damn right Skipper! Let’s get you out of this mess.
RIMMER: (Looks confused.) How?!
KRYTEN: He’s Mr Ace, sir, he’ll figure it out!
RIMMER: (Looks even more confused.)
CAT: (Sniffs at Ace and mumbles.) If you say so.
KOCHANSKI: (Also grinning.) So what’s the plan?
ACE: (Licks his lips.) I- uh-
LISTER: Ah, wait, you dunno what’s happenin’ yet.
ACE: (Sighs with relief.) Not really, Skipper. Corrosive micro-organism, that’s all I got from Holly.
KOCHANSKI: Well, you’re not far behind us.
KRYTEN: The ship is being slowly eaten alive, we don’t have long, we attempted to get a cure- Oh! The formula!
RIMMER: Turned into the formula for the virus, not the cure. (Rubs his eyes.) Mirror universe.
KRYTEN: (Looks guilty.) Oh. Yes. That makes sense.
CAT: It does?
KOCHANSKI: (Pats him gently on the shoulder.) Shh, the adults are talking.
LISTER: The formula’s not the formula?
RIMMER: No. It’s not helpful in the slightest. (Deluded grin.) We’re doomed!
LISTER: (Pushes his dreadlocks out of his face, starting to panic.) Smeg…
KOCHANSKI: Calm down boys, we can get out of this? (She sounds unsure.)
RIMMER: How, miss Kochanski, pray tell, are we going to get out of this?!
KOCHANSKI: I don’t know! Let me think!
During this, Ace has been silent and thinking. As the only one not completely blinded by panic, his thoughts are miraculously clear. He seems to reach a conclusion as the others bicker around him and he snaps his fingers.
ACE: Mirror universe!
LISTER: (Turns quickly away from the group.) Wha?
ACE: (Coughs and regains the Ace voice he lost.) Mirror universe! We take this formula, have them make the opposite. If the logic follows, we come back through the mirror, the compound is the antidote! (He has been gesturing emphatically during this.)
LISTER: (Pointing at Ace.) That makes seeeense!
KOCHANSKI: Oh! (Grumbling.)
Everyone looks at her.
KOCHANSKI: Sorry, I’m really annoyed I didn’t think of that.
ACE: (Laughs.) Come on then, let’s save this rust bucket!
Sharp cut, the group are returning once more from the mirror universe, several test tubes gathered in each of their arms. Once in their own universe, they start moving with haste.
ACE: Best get them down to the landing bay first, it had practically eaten half of it by the time I got here.
LISTER: Yeah, gotta get ‘em to the Drive Room too, and the Medi Bay.
KOCHANSKI: On it. (She says, starting to run towards the Drive Room.)
LISTER: Wait, Kris!
KOCHANSKI: (Looks over her shoulder.) What?
LISTER: Turn on the sprinklers while you’re at it!
KOCHANSKI: Good shout! (She runs off.)
KRYTEN: I just hope we’re not too late. (He toddles off in the direction of the medi bay.)
ACE: Cat, you’d best unleash your lot in the Storage Bay, you know that better than anyone!
CAT: Right on, bud!
RIMMER: How come you listen to him?!
CAT: (He runs off instead of listening to him.)
RIMMER: Bastard!
ACE: You… (Looks Rimmer up and down with some disdain.) You just unleash your lot where you think they’d do good. Same goes for you, Skipper. (He takes a few steps down the corridor.)
RIMMER: Hang on, where are you going?
ACE: (As if it’s obvious.) Landing bay.
RIMMER: You’ll die?!
ACE: (Smirks.) No, I won’t.
Ace runs off down the corridor. Nano-Rimmer stares after him, looking bewildered.
RIMMER: But- but-
LISTER: Calm down man, he’s Ace! He’s gonna be fine!
Lister runs off, Rimmer holding his arm out as if trying to keep him here. Frustrated, he drops his arm to his side.
RIMMER: What are you talking about?!
Rimmer heads off too, looking more bewildered than any other expression.
Sharp cut to Ace in the Landing Bay, he’s hurrying and drops to his knees to shake some of the liquid over a patch of decay. It halts the process immediately and he grins as he realises his plan has worked. Unfortunately, he hasn’t noticed that the decay has spread to Wildfire. The camera follows his line of sight as it skids across the landing bay, looking for more patches of decay, it halts on Wildfire, half munched.
ACE: (Gritted teeth.) Blast!
He half-starts towards his own ship before remembering he needs to be a real hero here. He empties some of the antidote on other patches of decay before looking around and checking if there’s anything more that needs to be done. Thankfully, it looks like he’s gotten the worst of it, he finally attends to his own ship, halting the decay and saving most of it. Cautiously, he steps into Wildfire’s cockpit.
ACE: Wildfire?
There is no response.
ACE: Smeg.
He jogs out of the cockpit and navigates to the side of the ship.
ACE: (Dropped the Ace voice.) Dimension Drive is intact, that’s the most I can hope for.
A man in a spacesuit leans around the corner of Wildfire, holding on for dear life.
LISTER: Is it alright?
ACE: (Jumps, then coughs and regains his composure.) No response from the computer, but the drive’s fine, so…
LISTER: Engines?
ACE: Good thought Skipper.
The two of them, holding onto Wildfire, shimmy their way to the engines. They are half-eaten.
ACE: Ah.
LISTER: That’s not… Ideal.
ACE: Far from optimal.
LISTER: (Claps his hands together.) Well, we’re in less of a situation now, Kryten said we should meet in the Drive Room and discuss how the smeg we’re gonna repair the Dwarf.
ACE: Add Wildfire to the list of things that are broken and it’s over a foot long.
LISTER: (Gently places a hand on his shoulder, as if testing the waters.) Ey, look at the bright side. We’re alive!
ACE: (Looks furious for a second before reigning in his expression and smiling.) Indeed we are Skipper!
They turn away from Wildfire and start heading back to the safer parts of Red Dwarf. Lister extends an arm to allow Ace to go first. The camera focuses on Lister giving Ace’s back a suspicious glance and taking in his distinct lack of a spacesuit. The tension is immediately dissipated by the sprinkler system turning on, Lister looks annoyed by the lack of visibility, and Ace gets damp.
~
Scene changes to the drive room, Kochanski is sitting at one of the consoles, typing quickly and sucking at her bottom lip. Kryten is checking things at a different monitor, Cat is sitting in the flight officer’s seat and appears to be steering the Dwarf. Rimmer stands off to the side, almost like a spare part. The other two have yet to return.
KRYTEN: Looks like the decay has ceased. From what I can tell, there’s no trace of the micro-organism left on the ship.
KOCHANSKI: That’s great news Kryten.
RIMMER: (To Kochanski.) How’s Holly?
KOCHANSKI: I can’t get the systems up and running, I’m going to try a backup but we might lose some things.
KRYTEN: I think the decay may have gotten to his current memory banks, ma’am, a backup would be the best option.
KOCHANSKI: When was the last one?
KRYTEN: Before we lost Red Dwarf.
CAT: Two years ago?
KRYTEN: That long?
CAT: Maybe longer.
KOCHANSKI: Well. (She turns to Kryten as a loading bar appears on her monitor.) Rock paper scissors on explaining the situation?
KRYTEN: Oh ma’am! That’s not fair, I explained it to Mister Ace!
KOCHANSKI: Kryten.
The two play rock paper scissors, Kryten loses.
KRYTEN: (Whimpers.)
CAT: Aw come on, that's not fair!
RIMMER: Yes. (Pause.) He’s not programmed to win.
KOCHANSKI: (Shrugs.) Sucks to suck. (She turns back to the monitor.) This is taking longer than usual.
KRYTEN: Holly has 3 million and something years on us ma’am, it may take quite some time.
RIMMER: (Has gotten tired of being ignored.) Can I do anything?
Kryten and Kochanski look at one another.
KOCHANSKI: Um…
KRYTEN: Well…
RIMMER: (Excited.) Well?
Ace and Lister come in.
KOCHANSKI: Oh thank God.
KRYTEN: Mr Ace, Mr Lister! I trust everything went well?
ACE: All good Kryters!
LISTER: Well, Wildfire’s damaged but other than that.
KRYTEN: Oh, sorry to hear that! (Turns to Ace.) We’ll prioritise that repair, Mr Ace, sir.
ACE: Pish! Let’s make sure everything’s up and running here before I go galavanting off.
Ace takes one of the spinny chairs and sits on it backwards, facing the others. Lister goes to the vending machine and gets a chocolate bar.
RIMMER: Speaking of things up and running, Holly’s been stuck at 98% complete for the last 3 minutes.
LISTER: Oh yeah, Holly does that. (Takes a bite of his snack)
Lister heads over to the main monitor that the rest of the crew have started to hover around. He gives the CPU beneath it a swift kick.
KOCHANSKI: What are you doing?!
RIMMER: Lister are you insane?!
LISTER: Ey, ey calm down! It helps, I promise! If that doesn’t work…
Ace has gotten up to turn on the monitor on the other side. He opens the calculator program. The loading bar on Holly reaches 100%.
RIMMER: What.
LISTER: I dunno, for some reason Holly’s programming likes the calculator app open.
ACE: She can’t count past 7 otherwise.
Lister, Ace, Kryten and the Cat laugh. Rimmer and Kochanski look at each other in thinly veiled horror. There’s an almost Windows 98-esque chime and Holly appears on the screen. She blinks once, twice then takes in the scene and the state of the ship.
HOLLY: Blimey, what have you lot been up to?
Kochanski looks pointedly at Kryten, he pouts. Lister sighs.
LISTER: We’ve had a rough two years, Hol.
HOLLY: You’re telling me! There’s more holes in this ship than one of your old t-shirts! A lot less life signs though.
LISTER: (Grins.) Yeah, I know. We had a bit of a run-in with a corrosive micro-organism.
HOLLY: Bloody hell, of course, you have. I’ll get you a damage report.
LISTER: Thanks.
Holly fades out and Nano-Rimmer and Kochanski look between each other. Kochanski takes a deep breath.
KOCHANSKI: Sorry if this is a touchy subject, but last I checked, Holly didn’t look like that.
RIMMER: (Snorts.) You’re telling me.
ACE: (Sighs.) Lots of things can change in Deep Space.
RIMMER: Pretentious little- (He pauses and looks at him.) I don’t like you.
ACE: (Snorts.) Yes, and?
LISTER: Rimmer, can you stop fighting with yourself for a second?
RIMMER: He is not me!
ACE: Oh Christ, this again.
LISTER: (Pokes Rimmer in the chest.) Yes, he is.
KRYTEN: Quite honestly sir, we have better things to do than explain the Ace phenomena today.
RIMMER: (Whining.) But I’m the only one who doesn’t know!
KOCHANSKI: (Massive sigh.) Ok, he’s you, but he’s not you, he’s from another dimension and he goes around saving the world, is that good enough for you?
RIMMER: (Opens and closes his mouth.) Uh-
LISTER: And every so often, the current Ace will pass the mantle onto the next and go die. (Turns to Ace.) Did we miss anything?
ACE: Um, no that’s the basic gist.
RIMMER: But that doesn’t make sense! I’m a monumental coward!
ACE: (Pauses.) Yes. (Opens his mouth to say something but it is cut off by a printing sound.)
CAT: (He picks up the end bit of a piece of paper increasing in length.) Damage report. (He squints.) I think. I can’t read this. (He tosses it to the side.)
Kryten actually grabs a hold of the paper properly, it keeps printing.
KRYTEN: Oh dear.
It is sometime later, the ship’s simulation has changed to nighttime. Everybody is setting up air mattresses in the drive room, the camera focuses on Kochanski and Cat. Cat is contemplating his mattress sadly.
CAT: Tell me again why I can’t sleep in my bed?
KOCHANSKI: (She is tucking in her duvet under the mattress.) It’s because we don’t know how safe the bunkrooms are yet. (She looks up, sympathetic.) We’ll make sure to check out the habitation decks as soon as we can.
CAT: (Whimpers.) You promise?
KOCHANSKI: (Quiet laugh.) I promise!
The camera slides to Kryten who is kneeling beside Lister and fluffing up his pillow, he puts it down and Lister lies down.
KRYTEN: Is that comfortable, sir?
LISTER: Yeah, yeah it’s fine. (He sits up.) Actually-
KRYTEN: Oh! (He flips the pillow over.) Better?
LISTER: Nah, the pillow’s fine, I just wanna speak to you for a sec.
KRYTEN: Oh! Of course sir! (He adjusts his position to sit more comfortably.)
There is a silence. They stare at each other.
LISTER: I mean privately Kryten!
KRYTEN: (Understands.) Oh! (Adopts a conspiratorial expression.) Right. (He taps his nose and gets to his feet.)
Kryten leaves the room whistling, Lister grimaces, then gets up to follow him. He taps the shoulders of the two Rimmers on his way out.
LISTER: Be back soon guys.
ACE: Alrighty.
RIMMER: Toodles.
Lister leaves. The two Rimmers go back to awkwardly setting up their mattresses, the silence is deafening. Ace takes off his outer jacket and sets it to the side before curling up underneath his blanket. Nano-Rimmer stays sat on top of his blanket, looking deep in thought.
ACE: Night night Arnie (He closes his eyes.)
RIMMER: Wait.
ACE: (He opens one eye.) Mmm?
RIMMER: What did Kochanski mean by “you save the world”?
ACE: Exactly what she said. (He sits up.) Every Ace travels to a dimension that needs help and saves the day. That’s how I ended up here. I hear a distress call, I go to it.
RIMMER: Hmm. (Ponders.) And you’re not… You’re not scared?
ACE: (Laughs.) Oh, I’m always scared. But… (He pauses, thinking.) But I suppose… When there’s a universe to save, you have to ignore that and just… Get on with it.
RIMMER: (Snorts.) Yeah right.
ACE: (Bumps his shoulder.) It’s true. I sucked at it at first. Probably still not one of the best Aces there’s ever been.
RIMMER: (Pauses.) How many have there been?
ACE: (Lies down.) Billions.
RIMMER: (In awe.) Billions…
ACE: (Yawns.) Every decision we make, the opposite has occurred and created a whole ‘nother universe. There are infinite possibilities, infinite choices, infinite us. (Chuckles.) As unfortunate as that is.
RIMMER: That’s… Huh.
ACE: That doesn’t even take into account resurrection, holograms, cloning, previous dimensional travel, whatever technology invented in whichever universe, it’s a baffling concept and I don’t quite understand all of it myself.
RIMMER: (Settles down.) So… I have made an impact on the galaxy?
ACE: (Chuckles.) Sure have miladdo.
There’s a silence as the two men close their eyes.
ACE: I think father would be proud.
Nano-Rimmer doesn’t say anything but the camera focuses on his expression as it shifts into a small smile.
There’s a cut to Lister and Kryten shuffling into the Learning Room. Lister looks down the corridor for any followers, then closes the door and turns to Kryten.
KRYTEN: What on Earth is wrong, sir?
LISTER: Ok. This is gonna sound crazy, like absolutely nuts.
KRYTEN: …Alright?
LISTER: Like you’re gonna think I’ve lost it.
KRYTEN: Go on.
LISTER: Like, there he goes, he’s snapped, bein’ the last human being has finally got to him-
KRYTEN: For goodness sake, sir, spit it out!
LISTER: (Takes a deep breath.) I think that’s our Rimmer.
Kryten pauses, trying to understand what he just said. Gives up. The camera cuts to Kochanski at the end of the corridor, she takes note of their serious faces and stops just short of getting into their line of sight. She listens to the following conversation.
KRYTEN: What?
LISTER: Ok. Ya know when Rimmer went off to go be Ace?
KRYTEN: Yes?
LISTER: I lied about him bein’ dead, remember?
KRYTEN: Of course sir, I was most upset! (Bitter.) To think of the socks I could’ve ironed instead of going to that funeral.
LISTER: Ok. Well, I think the Ace we have on board right now is the Ace our Rimmer became. (He emphasises his words with hand gestures.)
KRYTEN: (Squints.) Sir, with the most respect, how could you possibly tell?
LISTER: He’s a hard light hologram, didn’t need a spacesuit in the landin’ bay.
KRYTEN: Mr Lister, the Ace that came before our Mr Rimmer was a hard light hologram
LISTER: Yeah but… (He thinks for a second.) He knew the calculator hack!
KRYTEN: (Looks at him with an expression of pity.) That doesn’t prove anything, sir.
LISTER: (Sighs.) I have a feelin’.
KRYTEN: Sir. Could it be possible, just maybe, slightly possible that you just want him to be our Mr Rimmer?
LISTER: (Closes his eyes. Mutters.) Maybe.
KRYTEN: I think it’s time for bed, sir.
At the end of the corridor, Kochanski panics and runs off towards the Drive Room.
LISTER: (Instantly opens his eyes.) I’ll prove it, I’ll prove he’s ours! (He grabs Kryten by his shoulders.)
KRYTEN: If he is, sir, why hasn’t he said anything yet?
LISTER: I- I dunno. (He drops his hands from Kryten’s shoulders.) Aces are like that, they keep secrets. (Pauses.) I know it’s him, Kryten.
A contemplative silence takes over them, Kryten looks deeply empathetic while the faint gleam of tears can be seen in Lister’s eyes.
KRYTEN: It’s late, sir.
LISTER: (Sighs.) Yeah. (Composes himself.) Yeah, it is.
Lister and Kryten head back into the Drive Room, Kryten going immediately to power himself down in the corner. Lister takes in the two Rimmers who seem like they’re fast asleep, he smiles, then carefully treads over to his air mattress, trying desperately not to wake anyone. He ends up overbalancing while standing on one foot and tripping over Ace. He lands in a pile on the floor.
ACE: (Springs up impressively, slurred speech.) Whossere?!
LISTER: ‘S just me man!
ACE: (Rubs his eyes, he is too tired for any act.) You alright, Listy?
LISTER: (He settles down on his mattress.) Yeah… Sorta.
ACE: (Mumbled, settles back down too.) Anything I can help with?
LISTER: (Shakes his head.) I dunno…
ACE: Mmm.
The two seem to be done with their conversation. That is until Lister rolls over to face Ace.
LISTER: Tell me somethin’
ACE: (Rolls over to face him too.) What?
LISTER: Somethin’ you’ve seen, on your travels.
ACE: (Still very groggy.) We went to this dimension, right back at the start of my time, ended up on Earth… I’d never seen the ocean before… I’d never really seen Earth before.
Lister closes his eyes and listens to his voice. Ace rubs his eyes.
ACE: After I had done the usual, I sat down on a hill by the seaside and just stared at the water… You know, even after so many years in space, I’d never felt quite that small.
LISTER: Mmm?
ACE: The gentle sound of the tide, chatter of human voices that I genuinely hadn’t heard in years… Happy voices… It was nice. (He finishes lamely.)
LISTER: (Smiles.) Didcha get fish and chips?
ACE: (Chuckles.) I did. I even caved and got the stupid smegging curry sauce.
LISTER: (Laughs.) And it was great?
ACE: (Grudgingly.) Delicious.
LISTER: See what did I tell ya, guy?
ACE: Yeah, whatever.
The two lay there in contemplative silence.
LISTER: Didcha end up on Earth a lot?
ACE: (Shakes his head, his eyes are closed.) No. A lot of the time it was simply Red Dwarf. I’d almost forgot there was anything else.
LISTER: (Mumbled, close to sleep.) Oh yeah?
ACE: Red Dwarf under attack by G.E.L.F.S is a common one.
LISTER: (Snorts.)
ACE: We really shouldn’t have married you to the furry one.
LISTER: (Fully laughs and frantically covers his mouth when he realises he was really loud.)
ACE: (Laughs along with him.)
LISTER: Shh! Shh!
ACE: (Laughs.) You shh!
Lister ineffectively swipes at Ace to be quiet, it just results in the two boys laughing harder. The camera flicks to Kochanski. who has one eye open, very much awake. Eventually, they settle down.
LISTER: So, in all those universes, big, strong Arnie J came to the rescue?
ACE: (Slightly awkward.) Something like that…
Lister seems to sense there’s more to that and lets him speak.
ACE: I’ve failed plenty of times.
LISTER: No way, I don’t believe that.
ACE: Listy, are you in a position to receive news that will potentially upset you?
LISTER: (Sits up.) Jesus Rimmer, what d’ya mean by that?
ACE: Answer the question.
LISTER: Yeah?
ACE: I’ve watched you die 38 times.
LISTER: (Pause.) Oh.
ACE: (Suddenly overcome with thinly buried emotion.) 38 times I’ve failed to save your life. (Coughs.) Sorry.
LISTER: About not saving me or cracking the Ace act?
ACE: (Watery chuckle.) Both.
There’s a silence only punctuated by Ace softly sniffing. Kochanski looks deeply sympathetic and looks like she’s about to say something before Lister starts talking.
LISTER: Ya tried though.
ACE: What?
LISTER: (Shrugs.) Most important thing is ya tried. (Laughs.) Lotta people wouldn’t have bothered.
ACE: (Sits up.) Of course they would. What was it I said all those years ago…? (He squints, trying to remember.)
LISTER: (Doesn’t know where he’s going with this.) I dunno, what didcha say?
ACE: Ah! (Snaps his fingers.) You’re like that sandwich monstrosity, all the ingredients are wrong but people like you!
LISTER: (Pauses.) Rimmer, how the smeg d’you remember that?! You were pissed as a fart!
ACE: (Grins and shrugs.) It’s the one profound thing I’ve ever said, I’m quite proud of that one!
LISTER: (Shakes his head.) Night, Smeghead. (He lies down and closes his eyes.)
ACE: (Lies down, but doesn’t close his eyes. He has suddenly gained an odd melancholy expression, smile completely gone.) Night, Skipper.
Lister opens an eye at that but his tiredness takes over. Ace still lies there with his eyes open, mentally a thousand lightyears away.
It’s even later, so late it could be considered early, everyone is asleep on their mattresses. Cat is curled up, Kochanski with a hand over her face, Lister on his stomach and Nano-Rimmer with his hands pinned to his side like a psychopath. Ace is out of bed, he quietly makes his way out of the Drive Room and heads towards the Learning Room. He closes the door behind him and lets out a held breath. He slumps into one of the chairs and throws off his wig, mussing up the curls afterwards. Holly appears on one of the monitors.
HOLLY: What are you doing Ace? It’s gone 4 am.
ACE: I- (His voice comes out weasily, he coughs.) I couldn’t sleep Holly, sorry if I woke you.
HOLLY: Oh, don’t worry about that, I don’t sleep. (She chuckles, then pauses.) Something bothering you, Arn?
ACE: (Sighs. Loses the voice.) It’s- I’m not sure you’ll understand if I try.
HOLLY: I’ll give it a shot.
ACE: Everything is so- so similar here to where I come from. (Thinks about it.) Well, not everything, but…
HOLLY: Keep talking.
ACE: Lister’s just the same, Kryten’s just the same, Cat’s just the same. It- It’s messing me up, Holly.
HOLLY: Well, maybe you are home?
ACE: (Laughs and shakes his head.) I don’t want to get my hopes up like that. (Eyebrows knit together.) It can’t be home, there’s a Kochanski and another me.
HOLLY: (Pauses.) You said it yourself Arnold, resurrection, clones, dimensional travel, all a possibility.
ACE: (Frowns.) You were eavesdropping?
HOLLY: (She sighs.) Arnold. I practically am Red Dwarf, I hear everything unless I am told not to listen.
ACE: Right.
There’s a pause, Ace fiddles with the wig on the table.
ACE: Holly?
HOLLY: Mmm?
ACE: You’re a smart computer.
HOLLY: (Smiling.) Why thank you. (Suddenly concerned.) You’re never nice to me, what do you want?
ACE: (Laughs.) I wanted to ask what you think.
HOLLY: About what?
ACE: Do you think this dimension is my home? Am I the Rimmer you knew? (Eyebrows furrow.) Know. Knew, know, whatever.
HOLLY: (Takes a hissing intake of breath.) I’ve no idea Arnold, I can’t confirm anything.
ACE: I don’t need you to confirm anything, what do you think?
HOLLY: (Looks unsure.) When you’re not pretending to be Ace, I think you *could* be our Rimmer.
ACE: (Nods.) Thank you, I know that was difficult for you. (He gets up.)
HOLLY: What was?
ACE: (Smirks.) Thinking. (He leaves.)
The camera focuses on Holly, she looks aghast before smiling to herself affectionately.
HOLLY: Bastard.
~
It is morning. The drive room is lighter, the two Rimmers are asleep in the exact same position, rolled onto their lefts. Lister is sprawled half on his mattress and half on the floor. Kryten is absent, presumably preparing to wake them up. Kochanski is stirring. She sits up and rubs her eyes, then ruffles her hair and yawns. Her quiet morning routine is interrupted by Cat rushing to her side and scaring her half to death.
KOCHANSKI: Oh my God!
CAT: Morning Officer BB!
KOCHANSKI: What do you want?!
CAT: Breakfast!
KOCHANSKI: (Bewildered.) Just ask Kryten?!
Cat pauses and thinks about this for a second, using his one brain cell.
CAT: (Smirks.) No.
KOCHANSKI: (Groans and lies back down.)
CAT: (Manipulatively.) I mean, I can always go wake Dormouse Cheeks over there, though I’ve heard he’s not really a morning person… I could be yowling for hours…
KOCHANSKI: (Muttered.) Fuck’s sake. (Gets off the mattress.) Alright! Alright! Do you want Krispies or tuna? (She starts to walk out of the drive room.)
CAT: (Following after her and occasionally crossing into her path.) What kinda cat do you take me for?! Tuna!
KOCHANSKI: (Sighs.) If we have any.
CAT: Psh! We have some!
KOCHANSKI: (Sarcastic.) Oh what, can you smell it?
CAT: Yeah! Clear as anything!
They have reached the mess hall. Kochanski pauses.
KOCHANSKI: Really? Which cupboard is it in?
CAT: (Scoffs and points to a specific cupboard.) That one.
Kochanski shakes her head in disbelief and opens the cupboard and, sure enough, there the tuna is.
KOCHANSKI: Wow, well done.
CAT: (Offended.) I cannot believe you ever doubted me!
KOCHANSKI: (Walks over to the counter and grabs a can opener.) Yeah, I’ll never do it again Mr Let’s-Dance-With-The-Blue-Midgets.
CAT: (Points.) Hey, it worked!
KOCHANSKI: (Makes a “sort of” gesture and cracks open the can.)
CAT: Are you done yet? (Gets in her way.)
KOCHANSKI: No- (She pushes his face out of his workspace, pauses.) Wait, you have opposable thumbs, why am I doing this for you again?
CAT: (Blinks.) Why wouldn’t you?
KOCHANSKI: (Sighs and gets out a bowl. She dumps the tuna in it.) There, bon appetit.
CAT: (Grinning, takes the bowl.) Thanks!
Kochanski gets herself some cereal, not bothering to wait for Kryten. Cat waits for her to sit down at one of the mess hall tables before sitting down opposite her and sticking his entire face in his bowl. Kochanski grimaces and looks away. After a small silence where she stares at her muesli, Kochanski looks up.
KOCHANSKI: Could you really smell the tuna from down the hall?
CAT: (Around a mouthful.) Why sure I could! I can smell anything I recognise!
Kochanski nods and pushes around her cornflakes for another second.
KOCHANSKI: Do people… People from different dimensions… Do they smell different to the normal ones?
CAT: (Looks up at her.) Well, I never met you.
KOCHANSKI: I didn’t mean me.
The two share meaningful eye contact.
CAT: You mean Ace, right?
KOCHANSKI: Ok, if I tell you this, do you promise not to tell anyone else?
CAT: (Thinks about it.) Yeah ok.
KOCHANSKI: No, Cat, I need you to promise. (Stands up and leans over their food, practically nose to nose.)
CAT: (Jumps back, covering his tuna protectively.) Alright, alright! I promise!
KOCHANSKI: (Sits down again.) Ok, well I overheard Dave and Kryten talking last night.
CAT: (Raises an eyebrow.)
KOCHANSKI: And Dave was… (She takes a breath.) Dave was convinced that the Ace we’re dealing with now is Rimmer.
There’s a silence, Cat’s expression doesn’t change.
KOCHANSKI: …Got anything to say to this?
CAT: They all are?
KOCHANSKI: Oh yes, I’m sorry, I forgot you were stupid.
CAT: (Grins and nods before realising what she said.) Hey!
KOCHANSKI: (Ignores him.) Basically, he thinks that this is the Rimmer from your dimension who left and became Ace.
CAT: Oh! You shoulda said!
KOCHANSKI: (Sick of it smile.) I am going to lose it.
CAT: (He sits back, hands behind his head.) Of course it is!
KOCHANSKI: (Double-take.) Really?
CAT: Well, they smell the same, underneath the wig smell. It gets confusing, I can barely tell who’s talking!
KOCHANSKI: You barely know who’s talking at the best of times.
CAT: (Sticks his tongue out at her.)
KOCHANSKI: Thank you though, I’ll keep that in mind.
She gets up and puts her bowl in the sink, she’ll get her own breakfast but she draws the line at doing the dishes.
CAT: The other two Aces smelt different, by the way.
KOCHANSKI: (Suddenly is a lot more interested in the information she has gained.) Really?
CAT: Yeah! That’s the same goal post head we know and loathe if I’ve ever seen him.
KOCHANSKI: (Nods, trying to keep composed.) I see.
Kochanski looks up at the still-open cupboard and spots a bottle of salad cream, pride of place as if taunting her.
KOCHANSKI: Oh for crying out loud! (She snatches it and marches out.) Kryten!
Cat shakes his head and then buries it in the tuna again.
It is later, the group are all standing in the Drive Room, the mattresses are still on the floor. Lister seems barely awake, eating a kebab. Both Ace and Kochanski are regarding him with subtly disguised horror. Cat is busy brushing his hair, looking at his reflection in the black part of Holly’s screen, she seems unbothered. The other Rimmer has his arms crossed and is staring Kryten down. Kryten is reading the damage report and appears to have been for some time.
RIMMER: Do you want me to spell it out for you? Perhaps write it in braille? Morse code? Welsh?
KRYTEN: I’m trying, sir. It’s a very extensive list.
HOLLY: Do you want it in simple language?
LISTER: Yeah go on then.
The printer prints out a piece of paper simply stating: We’re smegged.
LISTER: Great, thanks Hol. I really needed that.
HOLLY: No problem Dave.
Lister rolls his eyes and takes another bite of his kebab, gravy drips onto his t-shirt. Ace practically recoils.
ACE: (Mumbled.) Oh my God.
LISTER: (Grins, licks his fingers.) Wazzat Rimmer?
ACE: (Coughs.) Nothing Skipper!
RIMMER: (Looking sly.) He was just wondering if you’d give him a bite.
ACE: (Looks at him in horror.) I-
LISTER: (Grins even more.) Yeah alright. (He offers the kebab.)
ACE: No, it wouldn’t be fitting of me to take food off someone who needs it. (Desperate.)
LISTER: (Feigns disappointment.) Aww nah, Ace is too good for a kebab.
ACE: (Looks agonised.) Nothing like that old sport. (Swallows.) Give it here.
Lister practically cackles and puts the kebab up to Ace’s face. He sniffs it, successfully holds back a gag, and takes a bite. His face goes through a range of emotions before settling into an impassive smile.
ACE: Wonderful.
LISTER: (Still grinning.) You hated it, didn’t ya?
ACE: (Struggling to swallow.) Yep.
RIMMER: (Gleefully giggles.)
KOCHANSKI: (Rolls her eyes.) Are you done?
LISTER: (Looks slightly shameful as if scolded by his mother. Wait.) Yeah.
KOCHANSKI: Good.
ACE: (Has finally managed to swallow.) Speaking of done, how’s that list coming along Kryters?
KRYTEN: (Looks up.) I think I have managed to prioritise the tasks.
LISTER: (Excited.) Oh yeah?
KRYTEN: It was difficult because there is simply so much to do.
LISTER: (Less excited.) Ah.
KRYTEN: The first port of call is repairing the outer casing of the Landing Bay and other parts of Red Dwarf that are currently open to space. The skutters can do the minor repairs, supervised by Holly, this includes the Leisure Centre and the South side of the habitation decks.
RIMMER: (Panicked.) That’s the officers’ deck!
Ace and Lister look at each other and roll their eyes.
KOCHANSKI: As the only officer here, (Pointedly.) I concur we start work on the Landing Bay. Those doors are big and Ace said most of it had gone by the time he got here. That’s the biggest threat.
ACE: I agree ma’am.
LISTER: Yeah, me ‘n Ace can do the doors, we’ve fixed ‘em before… (Lister trails off slightly and looks questioningly at Ace.)
ACE: (He nods, he has fixed them before.)
RIMMER: And leave the rest to manual labour while you two ponce about?
KRYTEN: Sir, with all due respect, the Landing Bay doors are quite complex, it’s in their best interests if people who have fixed them before do it.
KOCHANSKI: (Smirking.) Plus, if you’re that worried about carrying a couple of sheets of metal, I can do the heavy lifting so your cuticles don’t get damaged.
RIMMER: (Seething.) No Miss Kochanski, I can lift metal.
KOCHANSKI: (Pats him on the shoulder.) Good to hear. (She claps her hands.) So, are we ready to go?
LISTER: Yeah, let’s suit up.
The others all go to leave but Ace lurks behind looking nervous.
ACE: Aaaactually. I have a quick question.
Everybody stops and turns towards him, he gets slightly more anxious.
ACE: I don’t really know which point in time I’m in, (He points to Rimmer.) he’s really thrown me off since he looks about 12, so has anyone checked the Drive Plate recently or has that been dealt with, one way or the other?
LISTER: Yeah, we’re fine. It’s been dealt with. (Ponders briefly.) Twice, actually.
ACE: (Lets out a sigh of relief, then mutters.) Thank God, I’ve never managed to fix that.
Only Kryten catches the last bit, he looks slightly worried as the rest of them leave. Kryten goes to reassure him but Ace puts on a false smile and follows the group before he can. Kryten looks deep in thought as he follows.
The scene cuts to all of the crew pulling sheets of metal along the corridor, they’re on trolleys, yet they all still seem to be struggling. Cat is carrying the least, closely followed by Nano-Rimmer, Kryten is carrying the most and pulling it with one hand while checking the psi-scanner.
KRYTEN: Fascinating! It’s a good thing the nano-bots restored the ship to factory settings, according to The History of Red Dwarf, the administrators decided to get rid of the spare parts in order to increase the amount of space they had to store multipacks of Walkers crisps.
During his speech, Ace has been looking increasingly confused.
KOCHANSKI: (Huffing and puffing.) That’s really cool Kryten.
LISTER: (Also huffing and puffing.) Does that mean we don’t have any crisps left?
KOCHANSKI: (Breathless laughing.)
KRYTEN: Uncertain sir, I have yet to do a full stock-take.
LISTER: (Grinning, seemingly delighted he made Kochanski laugh.) Can only hope they had the good sense to toss the salt and vinegar, ey Kris?
KOCHANSKI: (Shakes her head.) Of course.
Nano-Rimmer looks distinctly unbothered, Ace, on the other hand, almost glares at the two before accepting that this is probably just the norm in this universe. Kochanski and Lister, that is. He quickly hides his expression and keeps pulling his trolley, silent, stoic hero style.
Scene cut to the Landing Bay, crew are all wearing spacesuits, bar Ace and Kryten. They are all tying cords around their waists and then connecting them to a rack. This allows the crew to stay within the ship and also make use of the low gravity to make their repair job slightly easier.
RIMMER: I hate doing this, it’s worse than PD. (His voice sounds crackly, it’s coming from within the spacesuit, of course.)
LISTER: Yeah I know man, but the sooner we get it over with, the sooner it’s done.
With a push-off from the side, Lister sails over to help Ace haul a piece of metal into the right place. Rimmer sighs before going to assist Kochanski.
Scene cut, it’s sometime later, they have made progress on the outer shell of the ship. They appear to have been doing it one row of parts at a time and all currently sit on the part of the floor that’s been rebuilt and are working on nailing the next row. They are working in comfortable silence. Quietly, Ace begins to whistle the Space Corps anthem. After a while, Kochanski recognises it, shakes her head with a smile and joins in. Rimmer joins in as well, Lister doesn't, but laughs and continues to hammer.
CAT: (Looks annoyed.) This song sucks.
LISTER: Yeah I know.
RIMMER: It wasn’t made to be good, it was made to mean something. (He gestures with a screw he has in his hand.)
ACE: (Eerily cheerful.) Doesn’t mean anything anymore!
There is an awkward pause.
ACE: (Coughs.) You know, since everyone’s dead.
LISTER: (Pained.) You’re makin’ it worse man.
Another awkward pause, only broken by hammering and drilling.
KOCHANSKI: There was a rumour in the Academy that the guy who wrote it was high on ketamine and trying to write about the US military.
LISTER: Krytes, is that true?
KRYTEN: No.
KOCHANSKI: Well, you know, rumours spiral and all.
The silence returns, this time it is not as comfortable.
KRYTEN: Sirs, ma’am, if the silence is too much, I can always play something from my internal speakers.
ACE: No thanks Kryters, we all have such different tastes, finding a compromise could take hours.
LISTER: Yeah, he’s right-
RIMMER: Can you pass me a screw?
LISTER: -We’d be squabblin’ over hammered organ hits-
RIMMER: Lister, a screw.
ACE: (Chuckles.) Hammond organ, Lister.
RIMMER: A screw, please.
LISTER: Is it? I always thought it was hammered, like (He mimes hammering.) ya know-
RIMMER: A screw.
ACE: No, it’s the guy-
RIMMER: (Shouts.) Can I get a smegging screw?!
ACE: (Shouts back at him.) Alright!
Ace leans over into Lister’s space, grabs a screw and practically throws it at Nano-Rimmer.
ACE: (Calmer.) There. Happy?
Nano-Rimmer doesn’t respond, focuses on his work. He’s gone a little red. Once he’s finished drilling that screw in, Lister wordlessly hands him another.
RIMMER: (Mumbled.) Thanks.
LISTER: (Grinning.) What was that?
RIMMER: (Sighs.) Thank you.
It’s a lot later, most of the shell of the Landing Bay has been completed. Lister and Ace are sitting in two construction swings halfway up the doors, fiddling with circuits. The others are working on connecting the roof to the doors. As they’re a lot more spread out now, Lister and Ace are able to have a somewhat private conversation.
LISTER: We shouldn’t be so hard on him really.
ACE: (Looks briefly up from his circuit work.) Hmm?
LISTER: Rimmer.
ACE: Ah.
LISTER: We take the piss an’ all but that’s coz we’re used to a Rimmer who doesn’t mind it as much.
ACE: (Raises an eyebrow.) What do you mean?
LISTER: Ah. That’s right, no one got you up to speed there.
ACE: I was unaware I was so far behind?
LISTER: (Laughs.) Nah, that Rimmer’s not the one who adventured through space with me, Cat and Kryten. He went off to go be Ace. About a year ago, Kryten’s nano-bots rebuilt Red Dwarf, long story, and then resurrected everyone on it.
ACE: (His eyebrows raise and a brief flash of hope appears on his face.) Including the Rimmer…
LISTER: (Nods.) So we rat on him a bit, just coz it’s a little… I dunno the words but our original Rimmer was part of the crew, the Boys from the Dwarf I mean, this one is just part of the Red Dwarf crew if you get me.
ACE: (He nods.) No, I understand that. (Twists a wire around his finger.) I’ve felt that way with most Listers I’ve met, nobody is quite the same as the original.
LISTER: (Grins up at him.) Is that your way of telling me ya miss me?
ACE: (Rolls his eyes affectionately.) Yes, if you want to interpret it that way.
LISTER: I think I will, thanks.
ACE: (Shakes his head and smiles.)
Lister clumsily screws the hatch he’s working on closed, then looks deep in thought.
LISTER: It’s been weird though, havin’ someone around who’s almost him but not quite. Like havin’ a constant Ace in your life but instead of bein’ this cool space hero, he’s just a dick.
ACE: (Practically snorts with laughter before composing himself.) Think of him this way, he just hasn't gone to therapy yet.
LISTER: (Grins.) Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Lister opens the next hatch and starts to mess around with the wiring. Directly above him, Ace is working on the connecting wires. Ace connects one wire to another at the same time Lister does and, all of a sudden, sparks fly.
ACE: Smeg!
LISTER: Whuh?
There’s a fizzle and a bang, Lister looks up to see Ace’s projection flicker and then retreat back into his lightbee.
LISTER: Rimmer! (He lunges after the lightbee as it almost gets sucked into the vacuum of space. He quickly grabs it, holding it protectively to his chest in clasped hands. He looks shaken.)
KRYTEN: Did you get him, sir?! (Yells. He and the others have floated nearer to him, all look quite concerned.)
LISTER: Yeah, just.
KOCHANSKI: (Slightly further away.) I got the wig!
RIMMER: What was that?!
LISTER: A faulty wire, I think.
KOCHANSKI: (Joins the huddle holding the wig.) Is he alright?
LISTER: (Suddenly panicked.) I dunno, what does that do to a hologram?! (Looks at Kryten, afraid.)
RIMMER: (Mutters.) Since when was he a hologram?
CAT: (Side-eyes him.) Keep up!
KRYTEN: Electricity doesn’t do much to a hologram sir, we’ll just have to reboot.
KOCHANSKI: How long will that take?
KRYTEN: Not long.
CAT: Damn, I thought he’d be out for an hour at least.
Kochanski gently bops him on the nose, he looks bewildered.
LISTER: So what do we do?
KRYTEN: It’s simple sir, you do what all computers respond to the best. (He takes the lightbee from Lister’s hand and flicks a switch.) Turn it off, (He flicks the switch again.) and on again.
Kryten finishes by tossing the lightbee into the air, it hovers about the right height for Ace’s heart and flashes into the vague silhouette of a person.
CAT: Is he good now? Can I go back to my nap?
KRYTEN: Wait a second sir, he has to reboot properly.
The crew watch, slightly entranced, as Ace begins to form. Except he doesn’t look like Ace. He’s just normal Rimmer, dressed in an old ship issue uniform, tan shirt, tie and trousers and considerably younger.
LISTER: Ey?
KRYTEN: Still rebooting, sir.
RIMMER: (Muttered.) This is the most inefficient technology I’ve ever seen.
Ace’s form gives a shudder and he’s suddenly slightly older and dressed in an emerald green suit with a stupid hat.
LISTER: Oh I liked this one.
RIMMER: I look like an idiot.
LISTER: (Affectionately.) Yeah.
Ace’s form gives another shudder, red replaces emerald green. Another shudder, blue. After a final flicker, Ace stands before them, blinking dazedly. The original crew look at him weirdly, especially Lister who is suddenly faced with an Ace that looks a lot like he did in a certain dream he once had. Kochanski seems happy he’s back up and hands the wig to him. Ace is still a little shocked -literally- but accepts the wig with a grateful smile and puts it back on his head. The other Rimmer claps his hands, Lister starts.
RIMMER: Right, now if we’re done being drama queens… Back to work?
LISTER: (Grabs his arm.) Hold on. (Points to Ace.) Are ya good now?
ACE: Um… (Shakes out his limbs.) Yes, I believe I am fine. What happened there?
LISTER: (Mumbled, still a little out of it himself.) Faulty wirin’ or somethin’.
Lister watches as Ace tries to take a step and his whole projection flickers again.
LISTER: Are you sure you’re alright?
ACE: (False bravado.) Oh yes Skipper, never felt better, now where were we?
The two start towards the doors.
LISTER: Doors.
ACE: Doors.
~
Time passes, the camera cuts to Kochanski who is sitting on the floor sealing the outer casing using a sealant gun with Nano-Rimmer, who is doing the same thing. In the background, Ace and Lister seem to be chatting admirably, earlier weirdness cast aside, while working on the top right side of the door, Kryten seems to be scolding Cat on the other side. Work seems almost complete, not bad for six idiots.
KOCHANSKI: Do you know what time it is?
RIMMER: (Pauses his sealing, checks his watch display on the wrist of his spacesuit.) 5 pm.
KOCHANSKI: Right. (She screws her eyes shut and then opens them again.) No wonder my eyes hurt.
RIMMER: Hmm. (He seems uninterested, focussing on his work.)
KOCHANSKI: (She notices this and leans over into his line of sight. She snaps her fingers to get his attention.) Oi, what’s up with you?
RIMMER: (Recoils.) Nothing, nothing’s wrong with me.
KOCHANSKI: Yeah right. You’ve been acting all edgy and weird since he showed up. (She gestures over her shoulder. Lister and Ace laugh as if right on cue.)
RIMMER: (Mouth forms a straight line.) I don’t like him.
KOCHANSKI: You're the same person!
RIMMER: Never! He’s nothing like me!
KOCHANSKI: (Smugly.) "He hath but ever slenderly known himself."
RIMMER: What?
KOCHANSKI: Shakespeare… King Lear?
RIMMER: (Baffled.)
KOCHANSKI: Nevermind. (Pauses.) It must go deeper than that.
RIMMER: Nothing more to it, ma’am. I simply don’t like him.
Kochanski rolls her eyes and turns on her sealant gun again.
KOCHANSKI: You know, I was trying to have a rare, sweet moment of vulnerability there, Rimmer.
RIMMER: (Over-enunciated.) Tough luck.
KOCHANSKI: (Gives his shoulder a gentle slap.) I’m serious!
RIMMER: So am I. If you want emotional intimacy, go talk to that version of me, the one that’s busy flirting with your boyfriend!
KOCHANSKI: Woah! Ok! (Holds up her hands.) That’s a lot to unpack. First of all, he’s not my boyfriend.
RIMMER: (Sprays the sealant.) Whatever, I don’t care. (It sounds like he cares.)
KOCHANSKI: He’s not!
RIMMER: Sure, he isn’t, but the other one is. (Mocking.) Dave.
KOCHANSKI: Oh for crying out loud.
RIMMER: You’re sure eager to get back to him. (Sniffs primly.)
KOCHANSKI: First and foremost, he’s my friend. When you’re stuck together in Deep Space, you don’t have a choice as to how close you get, and you do. You do get close.
RIMMER: (He seems to be pondering this and turns to look at Ace and Lister, working together easily and happily.) Close?
KOCHANSKI: Yeah…(Slightly far away.) When it’s just you and another, you’re the only people who can truly understand each other. You’ve been through so much together… So much that no one else knows about… (She follows Rimmer’s gaze.) So much so that other versions… They’re just not the same.
RIMMER: No wonder…
KOCHANSKI: (She turns back to look at him, one eyebrow raised.) You’re thinking, aren’t you?
RIMMER: (Lost in thought.) I am. (He has been spraying the sealant the entire time.)
KOCHANSKI: (Looks down to see a rapidly forming lump of sealant.) Um. Rimmer?
RIMMER: Mmm?
KOCHANSKI: You might wanna…
She points at the sealant lump. He jumps out of his skin and stops the flow.
RIMMER: Smeg.
KOCHANSKI: (Sighs.) I’ll get the acetone.
RIMMER: (Sighs.) Thank you.
It is later still. The crew are standing back, hands on their hips as they observe their work. The shell of the Landing Bay is completely repaired, as are the doors. There’s some exposed piping in the floors and other bits and bobs on the interior that don’t look quite finished, but the worst of it seems solved.
LISTER: Well, here comes the ultimate test. Krytes, is it safe to take our helmets off?
Kryten inputs something into the psi scanner, it gives a series of beeps. One gets higher in pitch until everyone is making a face, especially Cat, who has his hands clamped over his ears, he hisses. Kryten gives the scanner a wack, the beeping returns to normal.
KRYTEN: It seems we’re ok, sirs.
RIMMER: Are you sure?
KRYTEN: (Gets quite flustered.) Sir! Of course, I would never put the crew in danger like that!
Everyone looks at him as he looks increasingly guilty.
KRYTEN: We’re fine! I promise!
LISTER: (Sighs.) I hope you’re right.
No one makes any move towards taking off their helmets.
KOCHANSKI: Oh my God, you’re all a bunch of pansies.
She takes off her helmet… And doesn’t explode.
KOCHANSKI: See? Safe and sound!
The others take off their helmets.
LISTER: (Takes a deep breath.) Eyyy!!
The crew all shout and celebrate. After a little bit, Lister leads Kryten and Cat in the classic “Boys from the Dwarf” move. Kochanski and Nano-Rimmer look confused. After a second where he seems to decide whether he’s allowed to be involved, Ace does the move. Lister lights up, grinning.
KOCHANSKI: You guys done hand jiving? (She does a loose mockery of the movement.) Are we going to bed now? (Looks pained.) Please tell me we can go to bed now?
LISTER: (Places a hand on her shoulder.) Yeah, it’s bedtime.
ACE: Brilliant. (He’s rubbing his eyes.) I feel like I can smell colours.
There are a couple of giggles at that. The crew all head back into the ship, the camera follows them into a corridor where they all keep dragging their heels behind them, looking barely conscious. A skutter trundles down the corridor, it leads a pack, they approach our crew.
RIMMER: (Rubs his eyes in the exact same way as Ace just did.) Oh God, are they unionising?
KRYTEN: Not this time, sir, I think they’re telling us they’ve done their part.
LISTER: (Grinning, offers a hand to the skutters.) Nice job guys!
The head skutter, Bob, gives Lister a high-five. Holly appears on a nearby screen.
HOLLY: Looks like we’ve made a lot of progress guys. Sleep well, you’ve earned it! (She very promptly fades out.)
CAT: (Miserably.) I dunno how well we’re meant to sleep on a blow-up mattress…
LISTER: Nah man, I honestly think I could sleep anywhere at the moment.
The crew tiredly walk through another corridor.
KRYTEN: Well, I’m sorry to delay your sleep for another few moments, sirs and ma’am, but I think dinner should also be up on the priority list.
LISTER: (Groans.)
KRYTEN: (Pouts.) Oh but sir! I’ll make your favourite?
LISTER: Maybe. Maybe.
KOCHANSKI: Look, can we just get some sandwiches or cereal or something down us? We don’t have the mental capacity for more.
KRYTEN: Alright, I’ll make something quick.
There is a mumbled chorus of “thank you” as the crew walk into the Mess Hall and sit down. Kochanski, Cat and Nano-Rimmer sit down on one side of the table, Ace and Lister sit down at the other. Ace has been very quiet and barely seems to be conscious. The others seem slightly perkier due to the promise of food. Kryten prepares sandwiches in the background. Kochanski grabs a copy of the damage report from her jacket pocket.
KOCHANSKI: So with the skutters doing the minor holes, that’s the outer casing complete, we just have a lot of interior mechanics, water and fire damage, and holes in walls to fix.
LISTER: Brutal.
RIMMER: (Kind of mumbled.) Seems like a very inefficient virus, I mean isn’t their whole job to destroy? Why not go for something that actually matters, like the drive plate or engines?
LISTER: Ain’t it like a thing with viruses? Like, they haven’t got a brain?
KRYTEN: (Over his shoulder while chopping cucumber.) Well, sir, they don’t have a nucleus, so technically speaking, no.
KOCHANSKI: Hence why it went for the unimportant bits…
RIMMER: It just wanted food.
CAT: (Distraught and staring up at Kryten.) I know how it feels!
Cat’s foul expression turns to joy as Kryten places a sandwich in front of him, Cat digs in. Kryten hands each of the others a plate, bar Ace, who is falling asleep as he sits. In the background of the conversation, his head is drooping.
KRYTEN: There you all go, enjoy! (He sets about cleaning his prep zone.)
LISTER: Maybe we should pack lunches next time? (He starts absolutely devouring his sandwich.)
KOCHANSKI: (Through a mouthful.) It was sort of hard with this, the spacesuits and all.
LISTER: Yeah, won’t be a problem for the rest of the repairs.
RIMMER: It depends on the job, if it’s circuitry, I know how you eat and we don’t want crumbs in the wires.
Lister has frozen, this is because Ace’s head has completely dropped and he’s now sleeping on his shoulder.
LISTER: (Whispers.) Yeah don’t worry, I’ll eat away from what I’m workin’ on.
RIMMER: (Looks up.) Sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the crunching.
Lister makes a sort of “look” gesture with his head, taking great care not to move too much.
KOCHANSKI: Aww, cute!
CAT: (Looks at her in horror.) What planet are you livin’ on?
RIMMER: He must be really tired, I don’t trust any of you enough to fall asleep around you when you’re all awake.
LISTER: (Whispers.) Guys, don’t wake him. (He attempts to, very slowly, take a bite of his sandwich, Ace stirs but does not wake up.)
KOCHANSKI: I think he’s dead to the world.
Lister sort of half glares at her, she looks confused for a second before it suddenly dawns on her.
KOCHANSKI: Oh god, wrong choice of words, sorry.
She finishes her sandwich, embarrassed.
RIMMER: It’s all well and good leaving him to sleep, but how, pray tell, are you going to get him back to the Drive Room?
LISTER: Good question… (He pauses, looking at the sleeping Ace.) He’s gonna be so embarrassed when we wake him though…
RIMMER: (Blase.) Oh well.
LISTER: (No longer whispering.) Rimmer!
Ace jolts upwards with a start, frantically blinking sleep out of his eyes. His wig is out of place.
ACE: Whuh? What’s happening?
LISTER: Nothing man, you just fell asleep. (Turns to Rimmer.) Look what you did!
RIMMER: What I did?!
Ace rubs his eyes and yawns.
ACE: Why are you arguing? What did I do?
KOCHANSKI: He woke you up.
RIMMER: I did not!
KOCHANSKI: I wasn’t talking about you, dipshit.
LISTER: Ey now!
KRYTEN: (Intervenes before all-out war.) Has everyone finished their dinner? I think it’s beddy-bye time…
LISTER: (Sighs.) Yeah, I reckon so.
There’s a thud and the camera pans over to Ace who is head down on the table.
CAT: Oh for crying out loud.
~
Time jump, camera pans across all of the crew sleeping on their mattresses, mostly in the same positions they were in the previous night, although Lister has one arm thrust out of his blanket, the tips of his fingers touch Ace’s shoulder. Kryten, however, is not on charge, he is creeping slowly out of the room, making sure to move one bit at a time so his metal appendages don’t wake anyone. He looks guilty as he heads down the corridor to the Landing Bay and mutters to himself as he opens the door to Wildfire’s cockpit.
KRYTEN: It’s for the best, I just want to know so he doesn’t get his hopes up. (He inhales and exhales.) This is completely fine and morally sound. (He pulls a face.) Maybe.
He surveys the computer and connects a couple of wires, it awakes with a slightly more updated chime.
KRYTEN: Are you feeling alright?
WILDFIRE: I am unsure, there is damage. (She finishes rather awkwardly.)
KRYTEN: I know, I can see. How are your memory banks?
There is a pause, Kryten looks awkward.
WILDFIRE: I think that wire is loose.
KRYTEN: I see.
Kryten kneels down and attempts to fix the problem, after some time, he stands up.
KRYTEN: Is that better?
The camera focuses on the computer’s display which seems to have just reappeared. She blinks.
WILDFIRE: Well, that’s done something.
KRYTEN: (Despairing.) Something?
WILDFIRE: Yep. What were you asking?
KRYTEN: If your memory was ok?
WILDFIRE: I have full access to my memory banks.
KRYTEN: (Sigh of relief.) Can you tell me about the current Ace Rimmer?
WILDFIRE: …Why?
KRYTEN: I want to know.
WILDFIRE: Born on Io, early 23rd century. Revived hologramatically after a nuclear disaster wiped out the Red Dwarf crew, primarily to keep David Lister sane. Has spent around 2 and a half years as Ace. What else do you want?
Kryten pauses, he knew all that already.
KRYTEN: Do you know what dimension he originally came from?
WILDFIRE: I would have to go deeper into my retrieval systems in order to find it.
KRYTEN: I see. (He thinks a little.) Are you aware of what makes him different from Ace number 1?
WILDFIRE: (Snorts.) What doesn’t make him different?
KRYTEN: Hah. I mean that one event that went differently to form the two dimensions.
WILDFIRE: (She pauses to think for a minute.) Oh yes. I know this one. One was held back a year, the other wasn’t. (She looks confused.) I don’t remember which one though…
As she mumbles to herself about other things being broken, Kryten has gone still and seems to be rapidly approaching a conclusion.
KRYTEN: I see…
WILDFIRE: Hmm?
KRYTEN: (Gets up.) Could you start the retrieval process for the dimension he came from?
WILDFIRE: I can do so, yes.
KRYTEN: (Leans over and presses a couple of keys.) I’ve set up a communication link with Holly, please let me know when you have the data.
WILDFIRE: Alright.
KRYTEN: (Leaves, calls over his shoulder.) Thank you!
Camera doesn’t follow Kryten.
WILDFIRE: (Sighs.) You’re welcome.
Suddenly, she’s sharing her monitor with Holly.
HOLLY: Hello, what’s all this then?
WILDFIRE: (Gasps.) Hello!
Both computers blink slightly and grin, it must be lonely being them.
~
There is a cut, time has passed, it is morning in the Drive Room. The camera focuses on Ace, who is still asleep. There is mumbling around him from the other crew members, all of which seem to be enjoying cups of tea or coffee and a slightly slower start to this morning. Kryten leans into frame and gently taps him on his shoulder. Ace groggily opens his eyes.
ACE: Mmm?
KRYTEN: Morning sir, I brought you some coffee.
ACE: (Mumbled.) Thank you.
Ace sits up and accepts the mug from Kryten, who has moved on. Ace sighs and mentally prepares himself for his coffee tasting wrong, takes a sip and is very pleasantly surprised.
KRYTEN: Everything alright sir?
Ace is quiet, he moves the cup away from his face and stares at it. A hand-painted mug, painted by Lister and given to him for his birthday a couple of years before he left. He almost cries at the familiarity before realising Kryten is waiting for an answer.
ACE: (He clears his throat.) Just how I like it, Kryten, thank you.
KRYTEN: (Beams.) Excellent!
Ace sips his coffee and glances at the others, they’re all sitting in a circle on the floor, like an adult slumber party. Kochanski is reading something while Cat, Nano-Rimmer and Lister seem to be chatting. Ace rubs his eyes and tunes into the conversation.
LISTER: So really, on the whole, it’s not all bad.
RIMMER: (Scoffs.) Not all bad? Lister, we’re the last of the smegging species!
CAT: You get used to it.
LISTER: Yeah! (Elbows him.) No queue for the toilets, ey?
CAT: (Grins.) Exactly!
RIMMER: Yes but everybody’s dead.
KOCHANSKI: (Joining in, only half listening.) Not everybody, we’re here.
RIMMER: Oh joy.
CAT: It could be worse, you’re not the last woman alive.
RIMMER: (Primmly.) At least she has options.
KOCHANSKI: (Deeply sarcastic.) Oh and what… Delightful options they are.
Ace laughs into his coffee. Kochanski turns around to look at him.
KOCHANSKI: It’s true! My only options here are (Points at Cat.) not human, (Points at Lister.) barely human or (Points at Rimmer.) a gay man!
Nano-Rimmer spits out the coffee he was drinking, shocked and affronted, he has gone bright red. Ace merely watches with a barely concealed smirk on his face, despite being apparently more relaxed, he has still gone quite red.
RIMMER: Excuse me?!
KOCHANSKI: (Suddenly looks quite awkward.) Sorry, are you… Are you not?
RIMMER: (Spluttering.) I- I mean. Wh-why, you don’t… It’s none of your bloody business! (He stares, red-faced into his coffee.)
KOCHANSKI: (Swallows.) You’re right, it’s none of my business. I just assumed-
RIMMER: (Pouting.) Well, you’re wrong.
LISTER: (Rolls his eyes and mutters.) This again.
RIMMER: (Whips his head around.) What?
LISTER: (Sighs.) Sorry man, I gotta give you some slack, I mean you’re about 7 years behind or somethin’, but we’ve been through this before ‘n it was smeggin’ painful.
ACE: (Sagely sips coffee.) Like wading through treacle.
LISTER: Except the treacle was everythin’ your father ever said to you. (Whispered with some genuine vitriol.) The bastard.
RIMMER: He wasn’t… (Sits back, mumbled.) Wasn’t that bad.
ACE: (Looks bewildered.) He used to yell at us for looking at the sky after it rained just in case we saw a rainbow.
RIMMER: I- (Suddenly seems like he’s come to a conclusion.) No, he did do that, didn’t he.
ACE: Yep. (Pops the p.)
RIMMER: Yes you probably have a point.
ACE: I know I do, I had this crisis 7 years ago.
Lister looks up at that and mentally files it away in “evidence this is our dear smeghead”. The conversation goes quiet. Kochanski has gone back to reading her book but the look on her face suggests she wants to eat her own foot out of embarrassment. Nano-Rimmer is staring into space with an expression akin to a deer in the headlights, he is thinking. Cat has turned away from the group sometime during the conversation and is currently doing his hair. Ace takes another sip of his coffee and, with great difficulty, changes the subject.
ACE: So.
Everyone gets snapped out of their trances.
ACE: What’s on the agenda today?
Kochanski suddenly brightens up and snaps her book closed.
KOCHANSKI: Well, actually, we were thinking of checking out the sleeping quarters first and foremost, since someone (She glares at Cat.) keeps complaining about the mattress situation.
Cat makes a genuine attempt to look like the picture of innocence, he fails.
ACE: Well, I’m certainly up for that.
LISTER: We don’t know how much work it’ll be but it’s probably the best option. (He pauses.) After that, it might be a good idea to repair Wildfire.
Holly suddenly appears, Wildfire’s computer appearing next to her.
HOLLY: Oh no, you can take your time with that.
WILDFIRE: Yeah, we’re having a great time, actually!
Ace looks up, bewildered.
ACE: Oh my God, you made a friend.
WILDFIRE: (Sniffs.) Well, there’s no need to sound so surprised.
Holly and the Computer grin at one another. Ace shakes his head and then looks suspicious.
ACE: Since when were you back online anyway?
WILDFIRE: (Nonchalant.) Since yesterday.
Kryten tenses in the background and inserts himself into the conversation.
KRYTEN: Ah, sir, while you were all asleep yesterday, I set up comms between Red Dwarf and Wildfire. I thought this might make the repair process easier.
ACE: Oh. (Smiles.) Makes sense, I was worried there.
KRYTEN: Why, whatever about, sir?
ACE: (Smile turns to a scowl.) She has a rather nasty habit of ignoring me.
The Computer grins serenely and she and Holly both fade out.
LISTER: I guess that’s off the priority list, I was worried about that computer.
ACE: (Bitter.) Yes, I was too.
KOCHANSKI: Oh well, gives us more time to work on the sleeping quarters.
CAT: Finally! What I’d give for a bed!
RIMMER: (Stirs his coffee and barely looks up.) You have a bed.
CAT: It’s not a good bed!
RIMMER: It’s not the floor!
CAT: You ever heard of scoliosis?!
RIMMER: Have you ever heard of neutering?! (Gestures threateningly with the spoon.)
Cat very promptly shuts up.
RIMMER: That’s what I thought.
~
Scene change. The crew are making their way through rather hazardous halls. Nano-Rimmer has a clipboard and he seems to be making note of where the fire damage and debris are. This seems rather pointless as it is practically everywhere. Kochanski kicks a sizzled circuit out of the way by accident, she looks down at it.
KOCHANSKI: Well, I hope that wasn’t important.
LISTER: (Glances at the fried circuit.) Mmm, probably not. Most of the important stuff ain’t anywhere near the sleepin’ quarters.
KOCHANSKI: (Confused.) Really?
LISTER: Yeah, would you want important circuits close to a lot of idiots who could mess it up at any moment?
KOCHANSKI: Huh.
LISTER: That’s why they train technicians on the residential floors.
KOCHANSKI: The more you know.
KRYTEN: (Interrupting the conversation.) Ah, here we are!
The crew all stop outside the door to the old bunkroom.
KRYTEN: If everything is alright, all your old possessions should still be here, sirs.
RIMMER: Ah! Excellent!
Lister takes in the state of the hallway, then looks towards the door.
LISTER: I wouldn’t get ya hopes up man.
KRYTEN: Oh come now, sir! Where’s that David Lister optimism?
LISTER: (Nods.) Actually yeah, you’re right. (He grins.) It’s gonna be fine!
KRYTEN: There you are!
Kryten pushes open the door to the bunkroom and, sure enough, it’s largely untouched. In fact, apart from the chairs at the table that appear half disintegrated, you wouldn’t be able to tell there was a corrosive micro-organism on the ship at all.
LISTER: (He enters, grinning.) Yeeeees!!!
RIMMER: (Pokes his head through the door.) Hmm. Yes. Jolly good. (He promptly moves on, followed by the others.)
Ace follows Lister through into the room and he is suddenly hit with a massive wave of nostalgia. Everything is just the same as it was the first few years he was on the Dwarf, post-nuclear blast included. Everything from the inflatable banana to the proudly displayed swimming certificates. The photos Lister had all over his walls and the single photo he had of his own family, turned around to face the other side as it usually was in exam season. Even the timetable looks exactly the same, down to the vindaloo stains the man in front of him was responsible for. Ace had to smile, if he didn’t smile, he would cry.
ACE: It’s just the same…
During his silent contemplation, Lister has moved over to his bunk, examining the photos on his bunk wall. He turns to look over his shoulder at Ace.
LISTER: Yeah?
ACE: Yeah… (He laughs and pokes the inflatable banana.) Well, I know this is the nanobots’ doing.
LISTER: (Giggles.) Yeah, Cat absolutely destroyed that thing.
Ace shakes his head and takes a couple of tentative steps over towards the bunks. He moves gently, as if afraid that the entire room would collapse beneath him, leaving him stranded in the middle of space, away from the comfortable familiarity that he hadn’t felt at home in in some time. Looking at Lister, Ace notices his eyes are almost frantically scanning the wall of photographs.
ACE: What are you looking for?
LISTER: (Finding what he’s looking for.) Them!
Lister grabs a photo off the wall and sighs with relief. Ace looks over his shoulder curiously.
ACE: Oh. Jim and Bexley. Of course.
LISTER: (Laughs a slightly breathless laugh.) I was worried the nanobots wouldn’t have replicated that photo, I guess they did.
ACE: (Confused.) Rather selective aren’t they.
LISTER: I don’t even care man, I’m just glad I’ve got the photo.
There’s a silence as Lister sticks the photo back up on the wall. Ace looks like he’s debating saying something and going through massive amounts of mental gymnastics to get there.
ACE: I visited them.
LISTER: (He looks up, eager for more information.) Yeah?
ACE: A version of them… I don’t know. They might be yours, they might be mine, our universes are so similar that this might bring you some comfort.
Ace reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out some sort of pocket-size photobook. Lister is intrigued and gestures for him to put it on the table. Ace opens the book and the camera focuses on the pictures as he flicks through the pages.
LISTER: What’s this?
ACE: Just photos of things I… (He swallows.) Well, things I wanted to show my Lister from my travels.
LISTER: (Glances up at him with a downright affectionate expression.) Aww.
Ace’s cheeks go a little red and he continues flicking through the pictures.
ACE: Ah, here.
He plucks a photo out of the book and hands it to Lister. He takes it and the camera focuses on the picture. It’s of a rather grown-up Jim and Bexley, laughing with Deb as they attempt to pose seriously for the camera. Lister looks at them in slight awe.
ACE: They’re doing really well, Listy.
LISTER: (Slightly choked up.) They look it.
ACE: Um. (A bit awkward.) Jim found a passion for space flight, he’s a truly fantastic pilot, whereas Bexley actually got into cookery. (Laughs a little.) He makes a better roast beef than you.
Ace stops and looks at Lister, he’s misty-eyed.
ACE: Are you alright?
LISTER: (Sniffs.) Keep talking.
ACE: Um. Ok. (He takes a breath.) Jim prefers cats and is jealous that we got one, Bexley is happy with dogs. Bexley beat me at pool, Jim’s a bit of a sore loser. Apparently, he got that from Arlene but I resent that.
LISTER: (Chuckles, then thinks.) What happened to her?
ACE: Ah. When I got there, she was also off being Ace.
LISTER: Oh right. (Sniffs.) Parallel universe. (He swipes ineffectively at his eyes.)
ACE: (Swallows.) I… I have digital backups of all of these, that’s for you to keep.
LISTER: Really?
ACE: (Nods.) Even if they’re not the right Jim and Bexley, lord knows how these dimensions work, I think you having the photo will help.
LISTER: (Crying now.) Oh, come here.
ACE: Hmm? Oh-
Ace is cut off as Lister throws his arms around him and hugs him close. Ace momentarily freezes before letting himself enjoy the hug. He brings his arms up and clutches Lister closer to him. Ace gently pats his back as the other man sobs into his shoulder. After a little while, Lister breaks the hug and swipes at his eyes, he laughs a little.
LISTER: Look at me, gettin’ all emotional.
ACE: (Smiles.) Hey, you said it yourself, it’s been a rough two years. (His voice cracks at the end of that sentence.)
Lister pauses before he responds, staring at Ace and weighing up his options.
LISTER: Dude, I’m gonna ask you somethin’ kinda weird.
ACE: (Raises an eyebrow.) I’m sorry?
LISTER: Just- (He swallows, emotion still high.) Just… Answer me honestly man.
ACE: Of course.
LISTER: Are you my Rimmer?
There’s a pause, Ace stalls. Lister keeps looking at him, warm brown eyes staring straight through his act. Ace takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
ACE: You want me to answer honestly?
LISTER: Yeah.
ACE: (Opens his eyes, the distinct shine of tears highlighted by the cheap, fluorescent lights of the bunkroom. His voice comes out cracked and broken, a whisper.) I don’t know.
Lister’s face morphs into one of pity.
ACE: I don’t know.
LISTER: Really?
Ace nods and his head droops.
ACE: It’s not even been that long but… I can’t remember where I came from. (The emotion he’s been holding in this entire time is spilling out.) And it’s so similar here and I just, I just don’t know!
LISTER: Hey now. (He places a hand on his shoulder.) It’s ok man.
ACE: (Hiccups.) Sorry, this isn’t exactly the Ace image you’re used to.
LISTER: (Smirks.) Well, every Ace is an Arnold (Expression turns serious.) and I’ve seen you cry enough times man. (Soothing.) It’s ok…
ACE: No but it’s not ok! (He swipes aggressively at his eyes.) Coz if I’m home, I want to know that I’m home but if I’m not, I don’t want to- (He gestures ineffectively) -I don’t want to get my hopes up because, dear God, do I miss it!
Ace drops his head onto Lister’s shoulder, Lister looks like he doesn’t know what to do and is biting his lip nervously.
ACE: (Mumbled.) I miss you.
Lister is about to say something when someone knocks on the Bunkroom door. Ace jolts upwards and, almost impressively, immediately composes himself. He doesn’t even take a tissue to stop the tears, it’s like one moment he’s Arnold and the next he’s back to being Ace. Lister looks at him, a combination of slight awe and worry on his face.
ACE: (Cheerful.) Come in!
LISTER: (Under his breath.) What the fuck.
Ace turns to give him a smile, it does not reach his eyes. Kochanski leans around the door.
KOCHANSKI: Hi boys.
LISTER: (Little humour in it.) Hello Krissy.
KOCHANSKI: (Raises an eyebrow but quickly dismisses it.) I was just wondering if I could borrow Ace for some repairs. (She grins.) I’ll leave you the other one so you’re not lonely.
LISTER: (Snorts.) Thanks.
ACE: Of course, Miss Kochanski, happy to help!
Ace gives Lister a goodbye pat on his shoulder and leaves with Kochanski, they pass the other Rimmer in the corridor.
ACE: What did you need help with?
KOCHANSKI: Burst water pipe.
ACE: (Bewildered.) He can do that?
KOCHANSKI: Yes but I want to talk to you.
ACE: (Swallows.) Oh no.
She turns to face him.
KOCHANSKI: What’s that supposed to mean?
ACE: (Suddenly very weasily.) Nothing ma’am. Absolutely nothing, less than nothing.
KOCHANSKI: (Irritated, grabs his arm.) Stop talking and start walking.
Sharp cut to Nano-Rimmer entering the Bunkroom. Lister glances up at him, then glances back down at the half-eaten chair that he’s sizing up. Nano-Rimmer looks irritated.
RIMMER: She kicked me out.
LISTER: (Laughs.) You what?
RIMMER: She kicked me out! (He pokes the chair.) It was a water pipe! I can fix a water pipe!
LISTER: Yeah I know you can kid.
RIMMER: (Glares at him.) We’ve talked about this. Just because I’m 25 doesn’t mean I’m not still your superior.
LISTER: (Defeated.) Yeah, yeah.
Lister tests the chair, kneeling down and placing his hand on what’s left of the seat. It does stay up but he still looks at it doubtfully. Nano-Rimmer looks at him, a mixture between annoyed and slightly worried.
RIMMER: What’s wrong with you?
LISTER: (Looks up, snorts.) Ey?
RIMMER: (He kneels down and tests the other chair.) You’re moping.
LISTER: Am not!
RIMMER: (Attempts to look around the table at him.) Are too.
LISTER: (Sassy.) Well, maybe it’s coz I’m dealin’ with two of ya.
RIMMER: (Sarcastic.) Teehee.
There’s a small pause where Lister gets up and taps the chair.
LISTER: This doesn’t seem that broke to be honest, we could probably still use it.
RIMMER: You haven’t tried sitting on it yet.
LISTER: Alright. (Makes a face at him.)
RIMMER: (Stands up and makes a sweeping gesture at the chairs.) Go on then.
LISTER: (Smirks.) It’s gonna be fine. (He sits down on the chair.) See?
Rimmer stands with his arms crossed, one eyebrow raised, Lister is grinning cockily at him. The grin very promptly disappears when he hears a crack. The crack becomes a splinter and then the chair is no more. Lister ends up in a pile on the floor.
LISTER: Smeg.
RIMMER: (Grinning.) Told you so.
LISTER: (Rubbing his hip as he crawls to his feet.) Yeah yeah, whatever.
RIMMER: (Feigned politeness.) Should we possibly go and acquire some chairs from a different room?
Lister walks out the door first while Rimmer continues to smile.
LISTER: (Over his shoulder.) Smartarse!
RIMMER: (Smile promptly gone.) Excuse me?!
Rimmer jogs out after him.
RIMMER: Is that any way to treat a superior officer?!
LISTER: (Rolls his eyes.) Go on, getcha notebook.
With practised precision, Rimmer plucks a pen from his pocket and goes to grab his notebook. It is not there. Lister raises an eyebrow.
RIMMER: I um. I left it in Officer Kochanski’s room.
LISTER: Didcha? That’s crazy.
RIMMER: I’ll remember it.
LISTER: (Already walking away.) Ok, Rimmer!
RIMMER: (Calling after him.) Hey! That’s Second Technician Rimmer to you miladdo!
Cut to Ace and Kochanski marching in silence into the officer’s quarters section of the residential decks. They turn a corner and Kochanski pushes the button to her door. It doesn’t open.
KOCHANSKI: Stupid thing.
She hits the button, Ace looks alarmed, then the door opens. There’s an almost comical wave of water that sloshes out into the corridor.
ACE: Ah. I see the problem.
KOCHANSKI: Yeah.
The two wade into her room, the water has only risen to slightly below the knee but the room still looks an absolute mess. Ace kneels down to look at the leaking pipe, getting damp in the process, and grabs a couple of tools from the toolbox floating nearby.
KOCHANSKI: (Mournfully.) My books…
ACE: If you put them on the radiator, you might be able to save them.
She tuts and leans to pick up some of her volumes, putting them in a pile on the lower bunk. She sits down and watches Ace work for a second before sighing and getting into the meat of the conversation.
KOCHANSKI: Remember that I wanted to talk to you?
ACE: (Freezes, then coughs and gets back to work.) Yes, you did say that.
KOCHANSKI: Are you aware that I’m not from this dimension?
ACE: (He drops his spanner with a splash.) Excuse me?
KOCHANSKI: (Sighs.) I’ll take that as a no then.
ACE: Is that- is that true?
KOCHANSKI: Yes. (Chuckles.) The boys say it’s like I’m a completely different woman.
ACE: (Picks up his spanner.) Why are you telling me this?
KOCHANSKI: I want to go home.
Ace looks up at her from his position on the floor.
ACE: Home?
KOCHANSKI: Yes, my dimension. I want to get back to my Dave, to my Cat and my Kryten.
ACE: (Blinks, slightly confused.)
KOCHANSKI: Oh for crying out loud, I want to travel dimensions, you have a dimension travelling ship. Do you understand what I’m asking?
ACE: You want me to take you home?
KOCHANSKI: Yes.
ACE: Why?
KOCHANSKI: Because I miss my boyfriend? I miss having a Kryten that doesn’t hate me? I miss- Well actually Cat is pretty much the same but-
ACE: I see.
Ace gets back to work. Kochanski stares at his back.
KOCHANSKI: Well?
ACE: Well what?
KOCHANSKI: Can you take me home?
ACE: (Sighs.) I can try, but I have to tell you this. (He puts his tools down, water flow has ceased. Turns to face her.) I can’t choose where Wildfire jumps, if I could, I would have gone home long ago. It’s completely random.
KOCHANSKI: (Her expression falls.) Oh.
ACE: We can attempt to get back to your dimension, but it might take many tries. (He sighs.) Even then it could be the wrong time or… (He swallows.) It seems like your dimension but it isn’t really, there’s one tiny difference. It’s a risk ma’am.
Repair work done, Ace stands up and starts to leave the room, preferring to leave her to think in silence. She doesn’t let him, she grabs his arm.
KOCHANSKI: I am willing to try.
ACE: Are you sure?
KOCHANSKI: Arnold.
ACE: (He looks down at her, genuinely put off that someone has used his first name.)
KOCHANSKI: I would do anything -anything- to get back to where I came from.
Ace remains silent.
KOCHANSKI: (She sniffs.) When the linkway collapsed between my dimension and this one, I lost everything. (She looks up at him, tears in her eyes.) I never fit in here, I’m like a spare piece, they have in-jokes, they have rituals, I had rituals that are no longer commonplace. (She is getting progressively more upset.) And they knew. They knew I’d never fit in. Hell, the bloody revived, nanobot version of you fits in better than I do! (Laughs, borders on sobs.) And they keep the salad cream in the smegging cupboard!
An expression of deep empathy washes across Ace’s features. He kneels down next to her.
ACE: I… (He seems to be struggling.) I… I know how you feel.
KOCHANSKI: (Sniffs, she twists behind her and grabs a tissue from her shelf.) I’m sure you do. (Blows her nose.) After all, you haven’t been home in a long time.
ACE: (He nods and waits for her to compose herself before continuing.) I’ll try to get you home ma’am. I promise.
KOCHANSKI: Thank you. (Looks up at him.) God, if you weren’t Rimmer, I could kiss you.
Ace raises an eyebrow and tries desperately to keep a straight face. He fails and bursts into laughter. Kochanski joins in with watery giggles.
ACE: You will have to put up with me, however.
KOCHANSKI: (Shakes her head, grinning.) I’ve had worse roommates.
RIMMER: Um. Knock knock.
The two of them look up, Nano Rimmer is loitering at the door looking shifty.
KOCHANSKI: (Sniffs.) Hi?
RIMMER: Hello.
The three of them look between each other. Ace rises from his kneeling.
ACE: Did you want something, Squire?
RIMMER: (Coughs.) I left my notebook in here.
KOCHANSKI: (Confused.) Did you?
RIMMER: Yes. If I could just… If I’m not interrupting anything? (Genuinely looks alarmed at the prospect.)
KOCHANSKI: Yes, of course.
There is an awkward silence as Rimmer manoeuvres his way into the room and picks up his report notebook from where it’s floating in the corner by the toolbox. He shakes the damp notebook and grimaces at how the water has distorted the cover.
RIMMER: What are you going to do with all this water?
ACE: (Irritated.) Drink it. (Is trying to shepherd him out.) Now go, you probably have work to do.
RIMMER: Hang on!
ACE: (Firmly.) Go.
Rimmer leaves, genuinely baffled. Ace, happy he’s gone, turns to face Kochanski.
ACE: Are you feeling ok?
KOCHANSKI: Yes. The Rimmer Show really cheered me up.
ACE: (Laughs.) Good, let’s get the drainage stuff then.
Camera follows Nano-Rimmer down the corridor again, carrying his notebook in genuine shock. He comes to a halt outside the neighbouring room to the Bunkroom and opens the door. Lister comes through the door holding a chair.
LISTER: Cheers man. (He takes in Rimmer’s expression.) You alright?
RIMMER: Lister I’ve just seen something very odd.
LISTER: Eh? (Adjusts his hold on the chair.) Listen man, get the chair and we’ll keep talking, yeah?
Rimmer nods and takes the chair off him, Lister briefly heads back into the room to grab the second chair. They both then head back into the Bunkroom.
LISTER: (Putting down the chair heavily.) Now, what did you see?
RIMMER: (Also putting down the chair.) I think I saw… Kochanski and Ace “taking comfort” in one another.
LISTER: (Raises an eyebrow, barely repressing a smirk.) What d’ya mean by that?
RIMMER: (Pained.) They were having an… (Makes a face.) emotional conversation.
LISTER: (Barks out a laugh.) Is that it?
RIMMER: Is that it?! Lister, it’s Kochanski! You know, (Suddenly lapses into Lister’s accent.) Krissy!
LISTER: And? They’re gettin’ along, that’s nice, I generally like my friends to.
RIMMER: (Alarmed.) But-
LISTER: (Sighs.) Listen man, when ya get down to it, there’s quite a lot of similarities between you and Krissy, it’s why I- (He very promptly shuts his mouth.)
RIMMER: Why…? (Gesturing for him to continue.)
LISTER: Nothin’ (Shuffling past him and out the door.) Just don’t worry about it man!
Rimmer throws himself into one of the chairs.
RIMMER: Why is everybody here clinically insane?!
The chair was one of the broken ones, it collapses and Rimmer also ends up in a pile on the floor.
RIMMER: I’m going to kill someone.
~
Scene change to Kryten and the Cat. They’re in Cat’s sort of bedroom, sorting through all the fabric they’ve looted from the rest of the ship. Cat is sitting on his bed, mournfully stitching a new suit.
CAT: All of them? Did they have to get rid of all of them?
KRYTEN: I know, sir, it’s deeply upsetting.
CAT: I get one or two, but they ate the whole lot!
Cat holds up the blazer he’s working on, it’s brightly coloured and stylish, as per usual.
KRYTEN: That looks very dashing, sir.
CAT: (Wails.) It’s not the same!
KRYTEN: Ah.
Kryten awkwardly continues to fold material scraps, piling them in the corner of Cat’s room. The rest of the room is untouched by the micro-organism. It’s rather unfortunate.
CAT: They didn’t even touch anything else! Just the suits!
KRYTEN: (Electronic sigh.) Well, think of it this way, sir. You get to make an entirely new wardrobe! No chance of anything being last season now!
Cat cocks his head to the side, going over this information in his head, then pouts, deciding he’s still upset.
CAT: But sometimes last season is this season!
Kryten makes a face but dutifully keeps smiling.
KRYTEN: Of course sir.
There’s a sudden chime and Holly and Wildfire’s Computer appear on a nearby monitor, they look like they’ve been chatting but Wildfire has an uncertain look on her face.
HOLLY: Hello lads.
KRYTEN: Ah, hello Holly, Wildfire.
WILDFIRE: (Awkward.) Hello there Kryten.
KRYTEN: To what do we owe the pleasure?
WILDFIRE: You know that uh, (Winks.) thing you asked me to do?
Cat’s eyebrows shoot up and he looks conspiratorially at Kryten whose receptors are doing the mechanoid equivalent of a blush.
KRYTEN: Ah, that. What was the result?
WILDFIRE: The current Ace Rimmer is from Dimension 124.
Kryten freezes. Cat looks at him in confused silence. After a little bit of time, Kryten shakes himself out of his stupor.
KRYTEN: Thank you, that’s excellent news.
Wildfire nods and she and Holly fade out quickly, giving each other a knowing look. Kryten gets to his feet, his expression is unreadable. Cat follows his movements, turning fully towards him.
CAT: What’s up with you?
KRYTEN: We’re having a meeting in the Drive Room.
CAT: What? (Puts down the blazer.) Now?
KRYTEN: (Swallows.) Yes. Now.
Kryten hurries out. The camera focuses on Cat’s genuinely bewildered expression.
CAT: Okaayyyy.
Cut to Kochanski’s room where she and Ace are busy using the drainage equipment to make it somewhat livable. They seem to be working quite efficiently together. Kryten barrels into the room, jumping very quickly out of the splash zone once he realises the state of the floor. Ace looks up from his machine, quizzically raising an eyebrow.
KOCHANSKI: Everything alright Kryten?
KRYTEN: I’m calling a crew meeting.
ACE: Oh?
KRYTEN: Meet me in the Drive Room in 5 minutes.
KOCHANSKI: (Vaguely concerned.) Ok?
ACE: See you there?
Kryten nods briskly and walks out. The Cat pops his head through the door and looks at them, his face the picture of confusion and alarm.
KOCHANSKI: Do you know what that’s about?
CAT: Do you wanna ask me that again?
ACE: He’s just marching around asking for meetings then?
CAT: Yeah! (Makes a face.) All she said was some numbers…
KOCHANSKI: Who…
CAT: (Matter-a-factly.) Wildfire.
Ace jolts up and immediately turns to face the Cat.
ACE: Wildfire said some numbers?
CAT: Yeah…
ACE: And Kryten immediately sprung into action?
CAT: Yeah, yeah. Keep up!
Ace doesn’t say anything to that, instead dropping his tools and legging it out of the room. Kochanski lets out a cry as the water gets disrupted and splashed onto her leg.
ACE: (From down the hall.) Sorry!
CAT: What’s up with him?
KOCHANSKI: (Shrugs and gets up.) Let’s find out.
Cut to the corridor outside the Bunkroom, Lister and Nano-Rimmer are fixing a hole in the wall when Kryten speedwalks around a corner. Lister notices his haste.
LISTER: You alright, Krytes?
KRYTEN: (Barely concealed excitement.) Yes, I’m fine, sir!
LISTER: (Grins, catching onto his good mood.) What’re you doing here then?
KRYTEN: We’re having a crew meeting in the Drive Room, don’t be late!
LISTER: Alright!
Kryten scampers off, Nano-Rimmer looks at Lister, one eyebrow raised.
RIMMER: What’s wrong with him?
LISTER: Nothin’, he’s just happy about somethin’ and wants to tell us.
The two of them have started walking down the corridor.
RIMMER: It’s odd.
LISTER: (Makes a face.) We’ll see what it’s about, he might be due for a service.
RIMMER: Might?
LISTER: Depends if he wants us to appreciate the toilet brushes again.
~
The scene cuts to the Drive Room, the mattresses have been moved but it still looks a little like people have been sleeping on the floor for the past few days. Lister and Nano-Rimmer are yet to arrive, the rest of the crew are lined up in a row, Kryten pacing up and down, his chin in his hands. Ace is staring daggers at the mechanoid, Kochanski seems annoyed the others are late, Cat seems largely unbothered but what else is new. Lister sidles in, hands in his pockets, Nano-Rimmer scuttles behind him, red-faced.
LISTER: Sorry we’re late, Rimmer insisted he knew the way and then he got us lost.
There’s a pause.
ACE: How?
RIMMER: (Through gritted teeth and joining the line.) Shut it.
LISTER: (Slides into line next to Ace.) He went right at vending machine 43.
ACE: (Snorts.) Figures.
KOCHANSKI: (Claps her hands.) Right! Are you going to tell us what’s happening Kryten or do we need to do a full circuit rewire?
KRYTEN: Ah, no ma’am, I’ll get right to it.
There’s a pause.
ACE: Well?
KRYTEN: My tact drive is trying to figure out how to tackle this…
LISTER: (Alarmed.) Krytes…
KRYTEN: Do you remember the conversation we had a couple of days ago, Mr Lister, sir?
Kochanski looks shifty.
LISTER: Uhh which one?
KRYTEN: The one in which you expressed your belief that the current Ace Rimmer is the Rimmer we lost 2 and a half years ago.
LISTER: (Shuffling.) Oh yeah.
RIMMER: Hang on.
KRYTEN: Please don’t interrupt, sir.
Ace and Kryten make direct eye contact, Ace’s stare is intense.
ACE: Keep talking.
KRYTEN: Well, I went and fixed Wildfire’s Computer and I asked her what dimension we were.
ACE: 124.
KRYTEN: Exactly. I then asked her to retrieve some information from long storage, that information being which dimension you came from.
LISTER: (Sighs.) I see where this is going.
ACE: (Swallows.) Let him finish.
KRYTEN: I got the results just now. It turns out Mr Lister was correct.
Both Ace and Lister’s eyes widen, they stare the mechanoid down in eerie synchronicity. Kochanski is grinning, Nano-Rimmer is shocked.
KRYTEN: The dimension we are in currently is number 124, the dimension the Ace we see before us comes from is, in fact, number 124.
There’s silence, no one quite knows what to do. After some time, Ace -Rimmer- says something.
ACE: You’re serious?
KRYTEN: (Grinning.) Deadly sir. Welcome home!
Rimmer’s mask cracks like glass, a broad grin spreads across his face and he turns immediately to face Lister. Lister still seems to be in shock but he matches Rimmer’s grin.
RIMMER: (Ace voice out the window.) I- I have so much to tell you, I don’t know where to start.
LISTER: You can start by shuttin’ up for once in ya life!
RIMMER: I’m sorry? Mmph-!
Rimmer is cut off by a pair of lips crashing into his. They seem to forget about their observers and simply revel in each other's touch. The kiss lasts for a while, one not needing to breathe and the other powering through, until, finally, they pull apart. Both look at each other in slight shock until Lister starts giggling.
RIMMER: (Also half laughing.) What? What?
LISTER: Nothin’ man! It just feels like this huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. (He sighs.) You have no idea how much I missed ya.
RIMMER: Oh, I think I have some clue.
The two of them seem to suddenly be aware of the rest of the people in the room, the camera pans over to see 4 ever-so-slightly alarmed faces, one of which is more alarmed than the others. Nano-Rimmer says nothing, staring at them with his mouth open. Rimmer coughs, he’s red in the face, Lister still hasn’t stopped grinning. Kryten is the first of the rest of the crew to snap out of it.
KRYTEN: Erm, well. (He shakes his head, choosing to move on.) It’s wonderful to have you back, sir!
Kryten approaches Rimmer and doesn’t quite know what to do, he goes for a handshake. Rimmer grins and instead gives him a quick hug, pulling away and looking at the Cat in a fluid movement. Cat grudgingly walks up to him.
CAT: I don’t know why everyone’s making such a fuss, I knew it was you right from the start.
RIMMER: (Shakes his head.) Sure you did.
CAT: Hmm, believe what you want.
Very subtly, Cat pulls out his perfume spray bottle and gives Rimmer two spritzes. He coughs, bewildered.
RIMMER: Excuse me?!
CAT: Welcome home Goalpost-head. (He says, nonchalantly as he swaggers off.)
There is a brief pause, Rimmer briefly looks at his past self who is refusing to acknowledge anything about the situation, face red and eyes fixed on the floor.
KOCHANSKI: So. What next?
RIMMER: (Turns to look at her.) What do you mean?
LISTER: (Sighs.) I think she’s asking what happens next. (He puts a hand on Rimmer’s shoulder.) Are ya stayin’ or are ya goin’?
RIMMER: Well… I certainly hope to stay…
KRYTEN: What about the legacy, sir?
Rimmer breaks out into a broad grin and turns bodily to face Nano-Rimmer.
RIMMER: I had a few thoughts…
The rest of the crew catch on and four faces turn towards the unfortunate Nano-Rimmer.
NANO-RIMMER: No. (Backs away.) No, you can’t be serious!
RIMMER: (Devious laugh.) Oh, I am! You’re in for the ride of a lifetime miladdo!