Work Text:
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roses are red
violets are blue
i think you’re really great
i have a crush on you
–
It starts as a joke.
Tommy makes a bet with Steve that he won’t sneak a love note into Eddie “The Freak” Munson’s locker.
Looking back, it was an act of hazing. Tommy wanted to know if this freshman had the guts to be his friend. If this was someone who would do anything to be liked — to be popular. Because if so, that was the kind of person Tommy wanted to be around.
So Steve writes something cheesy, but impersonal, because he doesn’t really know Eddie. The other guy is a sophomore, so it’s not like they share classes. Except P.E. Steve has seen him in P.E. The way he pulls back his feathery hair into a bun. It’s too short to stay tied up for long, and he often leaves the gym with those curls framed around his face, a slight glow to his cheeks as he breathes deep from the exertion of the day’s activities.
Okay, maybe Steve has noticed Eddie.
It’s a bit hard not to. Steve has never met anyone so content with being themselves. The truth is, Eddie is probably the most bullied kid in school, because unlike the other victims walking the halls, Eddie refuses to duck his head and keep walking. He stands straight, takes up space, and will get into legitimate fights if he needs to.
Steve sort of admires him. If Steve were more like Eddie, he would tell Tommy Hagan that he’s an asshole for messing with Eddie. But he’s desperate to be liked; desperate to be friends with people his father might approve of. That certainly doesn’t include the kid growing his hair out past his chin.
Eddie’s locker is across from Steve’s, on the other side of the hall. It’s a clear enough route that Steve stays leaned against his closed door, sunglasses hiding just where his gaze is drifting.
His heartbeat picks up when Eddie opens his locker and catches the falling envelope against his chest. He opens it hastily and reads the letter.
Steve watches with mild curiosity — Eddie starts blushing. The tips of his ears, pointed in a way that remind Steve of a woodland elf, turn as red as the check on his Cortez’s. The sight is almost sweet, and it occurs to Steve that Eddie isn’t shown much kindness by anyone in this school. He’s too loud, he’s always late, and he never turns in his homework, so teachers hate him. Students are either scared of him or too busy bullying him about his appearance to even try and see what lies underneath.
Steve doesn’t know why he cares. It doesn’t matter. Someone like Eddie would bring Steve’s reputation down horribly. He’d never be able to explain to his father how he became a school pariah by nothing but association. He can imagine the names now; the things his father would call him.
But there must be a sort of freedom in being someone like Eddie. Someone so unapologetically himself. He wonders if anyone knows the real Eddie. The one hiding underneath all of that bravado.
No. He turns away from Eddie. That’s not even a thought worth entertaining.
He goes home. Steals some of his mom’s stationary.
–
i admire the way you stay true to yourself even when people are assholes. i wish i was as brave as you.
–
It’s not exactly a love note. It’s just something Steve wishes he could say to Eddie.
Tommy is onto different things by now. Eddie is still on his radar, but with the winter play coming up, Tommy takes up his favorite holiday hobby (that is, stealing people’s scripts and sabotaging costumes.) Steve stays on the outside of it all. Avoids the sad look on the drama teacher’s face when another one of her sets are vandalized.
He ends up pulling Tommy aside. “You gotta leave the drama club alone, man. They’re not doing anything.”
“They’re fucking dorks,” Tommy had spat. “Plus, Zach asked us to sit with him and the basketball team during lunch, so it’s obviously working.”
Steve feels a bit queasy eating lunch at the basketball table. He’s spinning cold cafeteria spaghetti around his plastic fork as he listens to Tommy drone on and on about Carol from Home Room’s ass. He doesn’t feel like calling out Tommy twice in one day, so he shoves the discomfort down and moves his fork to the lukewarm garlic bread. Tears it into little pieces.
“What is the freak smiling at?” It’s Zach who asks, glaring across the room. The rest of the table subtly follows his glance.
Eddie is holding a piece of paper in his hand. Steve knows it’s his note, but he would die before any of the guys knew what he did, so he pretends to glare as well, hardening his face like stone as he watches the sophomore.
Eddie is smiling. It’s not even a big or noticeable smile, so Steve isn’t sure how Zach noticed it unless he was already looking. Eddie’s lips are closed, but twisted up, showcasing a deep dimple in his left cheek. His shaggy hair curtains his face as he reads the text over and over, his plush lips moving as they read over the words.
And fuck, Steve feels a weird pull in his chest. It’s heavy and thick, almost suffocating. It sits on his shoulders and weighs him down as he averts his gaze. He hopes no one here can read his mind. They’d have a field day dissecting all of these what-the-fuck emotions running through Steve’s brain.
–
you get this dimple in your cheek when you smile. it’s nice.
–
Steve is sitting in the library, reading over some homework as he tries — and fails — to pretend he isn’t watching Eddie Munson.
The boy is sitting at the same table as him for God’s sake. Waltzed right in and sat across from Steve. Doesn’t he know who Steve is? Doesn’t he know that Steve is complicit when it comes to his friend’s actions? Why is he okay to sit with Steve when he knows Steve is friends with bad people?
“Got something on my face?” Eddie asks. He finally looks up from his book, leaning his chin on his palm and watching Steve through his lashes. Calm but tense, waiting for Steve to call him a slur or shove him onto the floor.
“Eyelash,” Steve blurts. His cheeks feel aflame as Eddie cocks his head to the side, curious. “There’s an eyelash on your cheek.”
There is, but the only reason Steve noticed it in the first place was because he had been staring.
Eddie swipes at his cheeks and then checks his palms for the offending lash. When he finds it, he pinches it between his pointer and his thumb and holds it out for Steve to see. “You saw it first. Make a wish, Harrington.”
If Tommy were to walk in on this moment, Steve would be dead. But Eddie is smirking, teasing, like he knows Steve cares too much about his reputation to do something as childish as blow an eyelash off of Eddie’s thumb.
Maybe he wants to surprise Eddie. Maybe he wants to tell him that he’s not like Tommy, he promises, but the words are impossible to say. So he lifts himself off of his seat, leans over the table, and blows the lash off of the pad of Eddie’s finger. He closes his eyes and makes a wish, I wish I could be whoever I want.
Eddie looks shocked that Steve would even get this close to him. His jaw drops, and his big, beetle eyes watch Steve almost suspiciously, like Steve will switch any minute and call him some kind of name.
Steve sits back down. Tries to focus on his homework again.
“What did you wish for?” Eddie asks.
“I thought you weren’t supposed to tell,” Steve says.
Eddie smiles sweetly. He drums his fingers on the table. On his pinky sits a silver ring in the shape of a skull. He lifts his gaze to the ceiling. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”
The phrase is innocent enough, but Steve knows for a fact that Eddie has his handwriting in his bag. That Steve’s thoughts are there, on paper, hiding in between Eddie’s textbooks. Steve wonders what would happen if Eddie knew.
Would the same phrase leave those lips?
–
it’s nice to be back at school. my summer was boring. i hope yours was more exciting. you deserve an exciting summer.
–
Steve starts his sophomore year with a new car. His dad gave it to him as a gift, but Steve’s pretty sure it’s a leveraging piece, considering it was Steve who caught his father kissing another woman. He had promised not to tell, only because he doesn’t think he could bear to be the one who breaks his mother’s heart. So he takes the car, and he avoids his mother’s eyes at the dinner table.
The car gives him more popularity. Apparently, in Hawkins, sophomores don’t get cars unless they’re super rich. And once people realize Steve has money, he looks a lot more appealing as a friend.
It makes sticking notes in Eddie’s locker more difficult. For the first three days of school, he is surrounded by people trying to get a taste of his newfound status. They don’t let him breathe, so Steve arrives at school thirty minutes early to sneak the note and then bums a smoke from the school secretary, needing something to do before the bell rings.
He started the habit in summer, when Tommy kept bringing cigarettes to his pool. Kept badgering Steve until he agreed to tried one, and well, Steve is just stressed enough to latch onto the nicotine.
So Tommy gets a new skill to try out on the older kids, and Steve gets an addiction to those little sticks. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, but Steve doesn’t pay enough attention in English to figure it out.
He skips first period to lean against his locker. Waits there with sunglasses on his nose and a cigarette hanging between his lips.
Eddie snatches the letter so quickly when he opens his locker, Steve is worried he’ll rip the paper. He watches as Eddie leans tiredly against the row of lockers, like he’s already done with the day even though it’s just started, which makes Steve worry even if he’d never say it.
Eddie lets out an audible sigh of relief after reading the note. Maybe he waited all summer. That thought gives Steve a thrill he doesn’t really want to explore right now.
He doesn’t have time to, because Tommy is strutting out of a classroom, swinging a bathroom pass back and forth. “You’re skipping, too?” He asks Steve, not even surprised to see him there, lingering in the hallway.
His loud voice makes Eddie lift his head. He looks at Steve before he looks at Tommy, and his eyes look like black buttons from all the way over here.
“What are you looking at, you queer?” Tommy spits.
Steve feels like Tommy is talking to him.
He doesn’t write Eddie for a month.
–
how do you do it? how do you live life without worrying about what other people think? i don’t think i’ll ever stop.
anyway. i’m sorry i skipped a month. personal issues. but you deserve a letter. so, i wanted to tell you that i like your eyes. that’s probably a compliment you get all the time, but i thought i’d put my hat in the ring.
–
He doesn’t watch Eddie open this one. Thinks it might make him chicken out of this entire thing.
After lunch, he stands in front of the bulletin board and eyes the sign up sheets for this year’s clubs. He knows Tommy is trying for basketball, so he’ll probably try out too, when the season comes around. Right now, he’s looking at the swim team tryouts, wondering if he has the guts to do it. To do something he loves instead of something he’s expected to do.
“Uh, are you going to just stand there all day? Because I’ve got classes to get to.”
Steve turns around to see Eddie watching him expectantly. There’s a natural pink tint to his face. His hair is longer now, reaching the middle of his neck. Steve wonders why people are always complimenting his own hair when someone like Eddie exists, shaggy locks beautiful in their own right.
Steve clears his throat. “Shit. Sorry, Eddie.”
“Wow,” Eddie grabs a marker from the little cup pinned to the board and writes his name in chicken scratch over the drama club rehearsal sign up sheet. “Didn't realize Steve Harrington knew my name.”
Steve’s gotten used to upperclassmen treating him like royalty despite his younger age. Having a rich dad will get you a lot of things, including respect you sure as hell didn’t earn. Steve suspects this is less about respect, though, if the sarcastic lift in Eddie’s voice is anything to go by.
“We have P.E. together,” he answers dumbly. He grabs a pen and writes his name down on the swim team flier before he can change his mind.
When he turns back to Eddie, the junior is staring at the flier Steve just signed with a frown. His gaze flits back up to Steve, and when he realizes he’s been caught, he schools his expression back into a smile. “Swim team, huh?”
“Yeah.” Steve runs his fingers through his hair. He notices Eddie’s eyes follow the movement, and it makes him nervous enough to play defense, to widen his stance and cross his arms over his chest. “Better than drama.”
Eddie frowns again, and he looks actually confused that Steve would be snarky. That Steve could be snarky, considering he’s usually the one hanging back when Tommy and Zach do all the heavy lifting. Steve feels shame curl in his gut, but he can’t bring himself to take the words back.
“You should come watch us when the play comes out,” Eddie says. “You might find out you like it.”
Steve does come to watch the play when it comes out. And he does like it, a lot.
Eddie is Romeo and he struts across the stage like he owns it, quoting nonsense to Tammy Thompson, who is wearing a blue gown.
And when he kisses her during the second act, one pale hand caressing her face, skull ring reflecting the spotlight right back at the crowd, Steve grits his teeth and averts his eyes.
He couldn’t tell you why.
–
i bought a ticket to the second showing. thought you did amazing the first night and decided i wanted to see you again. also, is the costume itchy? it looks itchy.
–
Steve brings a rose to the second night of the play.
He’s not sure why he’s so nervous. His mother told him lots of actors often get roses from their friends and family. Steve is neither or, so the flower in his lap feels a little like showing his hand.
He sneaks backstage during the kiss scene, decides he doesn’t need to see it twice, and drops the rose and the small note he wrote onto the backpack he recognizes to be Eddie’s. No one is close enough to notice him, so Steve makes a clean exit.
After the play is over, Steve is meandering towards his car when he hears Eddie’s voice behind him. “Steve!”
He turns around, car keys in hand, and there Eddie is, partially in costume. The costume being black slacks and a white dress shirt, purposefully oversized so that it looks like one of those pirate shirts. There’s a red scarf tied into a makeshift cummerbund around his waist. Steve reluctantly drags his eyes back to Eddie’s face. “Uh. Hey.”
“You actually came,” Eddie says. He must not have seen Steve on the first night. Which is a blessing, actually, because Steve can’t imagine what would happen if Eddie knew he went to two shows back to back on purpose.
“You asked me to,” Steve says. He feels stupid verbalizing it, but it’s true. Eddie asked him to and Steve liked that Eddie asked him to, even after Steve had insulted him.
Eddie grins. All teeth. Steve’s never seen this smile before, and it makes him tighten his fist around his keys before he does something stupid like reach out and touch those pointed canines. “If I had known all it took to break The Steve Harrington was simply asking him, I would’ve started demanding things a long time ago.”
It’s a joke, but it’s sort of true. Steve has a lot of trouble saying no, especially when his father doesn’t accept it as an answer. It’s a habit that’s gotten him into a lot of shitty situations, and if he’s being honest, it’s a habit he’d like to break.
But he knows Eddie doesn’t mean anything by it. Eddie’s too nice to take advantage of anyone, even if it’s someone who deserves it, like Steve.
Steve changes the subject. “You did really well. And you’re right, I ended up liking it.”
Eddie’s entire face lights up and Steve feels as if he’s just won a prize he didn’t realize he had been competing for. “Really?”
Steve swallows the giddiness down and tries to remain stoic; nonchalant. He shrugs. “Sure.”
“I’ll take it!” Eddie quips. One of the drama kids sticks their head out of the door and calls Eddie back in. He heads back in, walking backward so he can still face Steve. “I’ll see you around!”
“See you,” Steve returns, lifting his arm in a small wave. Adrenaline fills his veins. Steve feels the way he does when he gets a decent grade back on his test. Unexpectedly giddy.
He tries to tell himself it’s because of the play. That it has nothing to do with Eddie’s boyish smile.
–
It’s Steve’s first swim meet, and Eddie doesn’t show. He doesn’t know why he expected him to.
Steve’s father doesn’t show either. Which, that was expected, seeing as basketball was his legacy, so if Steve is doing anything else, it’s not considered important.
His mom is there. It’s nice when she hugs his shivering body after the whole thing is said and done. It’s nice when she hands her Polaroid to some other parent and asks them to take a picture of her and her son.
It’s nice, and Steve is happy. He just wishes he had a friend to share it with.
Even Tommy would’ve been nice, but he had refused, on account of watching a bunch of half-naked men compete with each other is gay, Steve. It’s fucking queer.
So Steve doesn’t invite him again. He doesn’t invite anyone, too afraid they might share Tommy’s sentiment.
He was going to invite Eddie. He really was, but the thought of Tommy finding out, well, Steve would be called things worse than queer, and Eddie would probably get a black eye or something.
Someone’s always beating him up.
Steve escapes with a first place medal. He hangs it on his bedroom wall and admires the first thing that really feels like his. Not his father’s, not Tommy’s, but his.
People congratulate him the next day. Apparently, not many people share Tommy’s insecurities about boys in speedos, because there’s not a single period where Steve isn’t clapped on the back. He’s invited to three different pool parties. Steve isn’t sure if they want him to swim laps as entertainment for everyone, or if he can just come as a guest. He doesn’t ask.
Tommy gets over it eventually. After seeing all the praise, he joins the swim team too. Now it’s a Steve and Tommy thing.
That first gold medal is the only thing he has.
After the last swim meet of the year, Steve is cleaning out his locker, tossing old swim caps in the trash and doing his best to fold his warming jacket so that it’ll fit in his gym bag. He’s alone, because Tommy’s been saying a lot of shit lately, and Steve just needs somewhere to breathe.
The chlorine smell helps. He drops his duffel at the edge of the pool and sits there for God knows how long, letting his feet hang in the aquamarine water.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Eddie Munson’s voice sounds even louder when it’s echoing off the swimming pool walls. “Heard you’re going to be co-captain of swim next year? That’s crazy!”
His words warm Steve’s chest. They’re a lot better than Tommy’s Think of how many bitches we’ll get now, or Zach’s You better bring this energy during b-ball season, Harrington!”
“It is crazy,” Steve agrees.
Time lapses. Eddie comes to sit beside Steve. He sits criss-crossed, with his jean clad knee pressed to Steve’s nylon thigh. “Are you sad it’s over?”
Steve sighs. “Yeah,” he feels stupid just saying it.
“Maybe you could work at the pool this summer,” Eddie says. When Steve turns to look at him, he tucks in on himself, reaching to tug on a lock of his own unruly hair, “Um… It's probably stupid, now that I think about it. Sitting on a lifeguard chair watching kids for hours isn’t the same as swimming laps…”
Steve knows why Eddie does it. Why he makes himself smaller around people like Steve. Around bullies. One misspoken word and he’s going home with a suspension for fighting. He’s always the one blamed for the fights. Steve can’t remember a time when a fight was actually started by Eddie Munson.
“S’not stupid,” Steve says. “I might apply. Need to get out of the house for the summer anyway.”
He’s said too much. Steve knows it’s too much because Eddie pierces him with a scrutinizing look. Steve knows that look. It’s the Why is the rich boy complaining about his perfect life? look. It makes his skin crawl because he knows he has it better than most of the kids here. He knows. Somehow, it doesn’t change the fact that his house will be empty all summer, and he’ll be alone.
God, he hates being alone.
–
does junior year ever get easier? i feel stupid asking, but i’m really hoping it does. i kind of suck at all this written work. it never matters how hard i try. my brain just doesn’t retain any information. i hope you’re having an easier time here in this hellhole.
i wish i saw you during the summer, but we never crossed paths. how come you never visited the public pool? feels like everyone from school hung out there except you.
i missed you.
-
Steve loses his virginity sometime during the summer.
It’s with a fellow lifeguard, Trudy. She was sweet, and pretty, and they both wanted to, so they did.
Steve doesn’t know why he felt so empty afterwards. He chalks it up to the fact that he’s busy. Always busy. Summer is filled with being a lifeguard and swimming at home and driving Tommy to parties every night. It’s a lot. Steve misses having homework as an excuse to blow Tommy off.
Tommy starts dating Carol, and they’re somehow even more annoying together than they were separate.
The only plus is that they spend time in between classes tasting each other’s tonsils, so Steve is free to watch Eddie read his first note of the school year.
Eddie has another ring now. Beside the skull. It’s a pig, Steve thinks. He’s not close enough to see. He can’t get close enough to see.
Watching Eddie read his notes is addictive in a way Steve can’t put into words. The curl of his mouth, the soft huff of laughter as he meticulously folds the note back up and tucks it into his jacket pocket, the way he glances around the hall, cheeks pink, as if he’s afraid someone must’ve caught him.
Steve feels an emptiness in his stomach that food never fills.
He tries to mention this to Tommy one day during lunch, but the freckled boy only rolls his eyes. “You need to get laid, Steve.”
Carol cackles, smacking her gum carelessly, obnoxiously, loudly. “Oh my god. Look who’s looking over here. What a loser.”
Steve thinks for a moment that he’ll follow her gaze and see Eddie. That he’ll be caught red handed during lunch period by Carol Perkins.
But instead, he sees Nancy Wheeler sitting with her friends. They lock eyes and she blushes scarlet, turning away and taking a sip of her drink with so much force her knuckles turn white.
She’s fucking adorable.
But Carol said she’s a loser. And Tommy seems to agree. So, Steve turns away. “Who do you suggest I hook up with?”
–
i noticed you started a club. hellfire is kind of a scary name. i hope it goes well.
i know people are being mean about it. i wish i could ask you what it is about, but i think it’s better if you don’t know who i am. i might just make things worse for you.
my club starts soon too. well, my after school activities. i wish i could invite you, but i’m too scared. scared you’d say no. scared you’d say yes.
i’m scared of a lot of things nowadays.
junior year, huh?
–
Nancy Wheeler comes to his swim meet.
It’s in October, and Steve hasn’t thought about her since that day in the cafeteria. He hasn’t let himself think about her.
He’s spent his days with Tommy and Carol, and his nights with whatever girl was brave enough to ask for an evening with King Steve. Which is stupid, because Steve is all too inexperienced when it comes to sex. Love. Dating. What say you. He doesn’t know why girls keep fawning at his feet, and he doesn’t know why it’s not as satisfying as Tommy kept insisting it would be.
Steve still feels empty.
But Nancy is at his swim meet, and she greets him shyly after everyone has collected their metals. Steve is nestled in his oversized warmer jacket, and Nancy Wheeler looks beautiful, clutching her bag to her chest as she congratulates him.
Steve opens his mouth before he can regret it, “Do you wanna go out with me?”
Nancy is the sweetest girlfriend. If Steve could call her that. Steve’s never really had a girlfriend, on account of he’s never really been interested. He’s hooked up, and he’s been on dates, but no one has ever filled that weird emptiness inside his stomach. He thought they would. He thought that’s all he had been missing.
With Nancy, things feel a little easier at school. Suddenly, the pressure from his dad, and Tommy, and everyone is lessened because he can sneak Nancy into the bathroom and kiss her pretty lips. He can tease her and wait for her cheeks to turn a lovely shade of pink. It feels like a reward. Everything about Nancy feels too good to be true.
Tommy insists that Nancy hang out with him and Carol more. That Steve bring her around more.
He invites her to his house. His parents aren’t gonna be home anyway. Tommy is gonna bring beer like he always does. And Steve is going to style his hair and pretend that he’s not nervous. That he’s perfectly okay with Nancy being around his friends, even though they call her a bitch behind her back.
Nancy brings her friend Barbara, and Steve doesn’t really mind another person to be on Nancy’s side. Barbara is nice enough, but she’s been on the receiving end of Carol’s incessant teasing way too often to be comfortable in her presence.
They drink beer out by the pool (Barbara cuts herself.) They go swimming (Nancy gets tossed in.) Steve thinks maybe this could work. Maybe they could all be friends.
He and Nancy have sex. It feels more meaningful than any other time he’s had sex. But he still feels empty.
–
it’s getting kind of scary in hawkins, isn’t it? hey, at least it’s your senior year. that’ll be nice, right? you can get out of this shithole. i’m rooting for you.
–
Barbara goes missing. It’s only a few days after that Byers kid goes missing.
Nancy starts acting weird. Starts hanging out with the Byers kid’s older brother, Jonathan. Another victim of Tommy and Carol’s bullying.
And Steve’s, if he’s being honest. But he deserves it, after Steve found out what was on his camera. Steve knows he can’t afford a new one. Knows the Byers are going through a hard time right now. Knows Jonathan swears he was taking pictures of other things — didn’t mean to catch Nancy in a compromising position.
Jonathan is like the opposite of Eddie. He’s younger, more soft spoken. With feline grey eyes and hunched shoulders. The perfect bullying victim. He’s Nancy’s age, and she seems to have a soft spot for him. Seems to want to defend him even when Steve is trying to defend her.
He breaks Jonathan’s camera. Tears up his pictures. He lets Tommy and Carol call him names because he hates the idea of someone hurting Nancy like that.
Only, Nancy doesn’t seem to actually care.
Tommy warns him. Says Nancy is a bitch. Says Nancy is a slut. Says Nancy is fucking Jonathan behind Steve’s back and dammit, Steve doesn’t really believe him until he’s scaling the side of the Wheeler house and sees them embracing on her bed.
He doesn’t mean to tell Tommy, but it just kind of tumbles out.
Sometimes it’s easy to listen to Tommy. To just be the dick everyone expects you to be.
He vandalizes the matinee sign. He calls Jonathan a queer. It’s the first time he’s actually said the word aloud and he wants to take it back immediately. Wants to take back everything he says, because it’s nothing but sick, perverted rumors about the Byers family and they’re not true. Steve knows they’re not. He was there was Zach made them up. When Tommy parroted them.
He’s just angry. Upset. He’s done everything right, according to his father, and he loses the most important thing he has. An actual relationship he could see going somewhere.
He gets his ass handed to him. Jonathan packs a mean punch.
No one is there to comfort him. Nancy goes with Jonathan, and Steve goes home. Tries to patch himself up as best as he can.
Somewhere between the bloody lip and the knowledge that he truly has no one, Steve goes to clean up the matinee sign. And then he drives to Jonathan’s house. Better to apologize in person. Maybe fix some semblance of whatever he and Nancy had.
He’s given a nail-covered bat.
–
hope your christmas break is good. be careful, though. you live around the woods, right? maybe don’t go in them. i don’t think they’re safe anymore. i don’t think hawkins is safe anymore.
–
Nancy takes Steve back just before Christmas break.
He buys Jonathan a new camera.
He leaves Eddie a small Christmas card.
Things get better. Steve finished his swim season with first place in every category he competed in. He talks to a few scouts about a proper swimming scholarship, but one thing is clear: he’ll have to up his grades.
So he spends the remainder of his junior year spending time with Nancy and studying. Even if studying is his least favorite activity, anything done with Nancy makes it a little easier.
He loves Nancy. He figures it out around springtime. Tells her as soon as he knows for sure.
He thinks this is all worth it; that his fall from grace is okay because at least he has Nancy Wheeler by his side.
—
i’m kind of sad you’re graduating this year. who will i send notes to now? i know you never reply (how could you? you don’t know who i am.) but i like to think of us as friends. i like to imagine we could be friends. if there was a world where impossible things were possible.
—
Eddie doesn’t graduate, much to Steve’s surprise. He’s back at school the next year, and nothing has changed, except now they share the same senior classes.
He got held back on account of too many suspensions. He doesn’t go down without a fight; makes sure everyone knows exactly what’s happening. That he got beat up so many times, that he defended himself so many times, that it now shows on his permenant record.
It’s a whole thing. It becomes a big piece of gossip for the town, and Steve only realizes how big when his father is coming home from work, one of those rare days when both his parents manage to be home at the same time. They always make dinner together too, as if they don’t spend ninety percent of their time away from each other. They talk to Steve like nothing is wrong.
His father brings up the Munsons. Says their name like a curse word. Says That Munson kid is causing trouble again. Says he should’ve graduated this year. You’d think he would’ve shaped up after what happened with his dad, but maybe they’re all no good deadbeats. Soon he’ll have a jail cell right next to his old man.
Steve excuses himself. Drives to Nancy’s. Spends the night with her, underneath her frilly pink sheets, and sneaks out before her parents even wake up.
It’s late October when he actually gets the courage to make his way to Eddie’s locker. He’s not sure why he’s doing it.
It’s stupid. To draw attention to himself. He’s still pretty high on the totem poll, even if Tommy tries to spread rumors. He’s still King Steve to most people, so he shouldn’t be caught talking to the freak of the school.
Eddie is wearing a black t-shirt, covered by a denim vest. There are a few patches and pins on the vest. Not many, but enough to make Steve curious. What the different designs represent and what the different words mean. If they’re bands, or movies, or people… Steve wants to ask.
“Um,” Eddie blinks at Steve. “Can I help you?”
It occurs to Steve that they haven’t talked at all this year. Not even once. And Eddie doesn’t know that Steve is the one leaving the notes, so this must be pretty strange.
Steve clears his throat. “You, uh, you sell weed, right?”
The side of Eddie’s mouth lifts into a smirk. He glances behind Steve, “Better not get caught talking to me, Harrington,” he drawls. His wolf eyes don’t look as predatory as Eddie is probably hoping they do. He crosses his arms over his chest. There’s a bat tattoo on his forearm. When did Eddie get a tattoo? “I deal after school in the woods. You know the old picnic table?”
“The woods?” Steve knows what Nancy and Jonathan fought in the woods. He knows there’s a risk there, between home and that creepy lab that everything seems to stem from. Chief Hopper warned them to stay away from the woods, and Steve trusts the guy well enough, and he’s never been too eager to see one of those things again, so he’s stayed clear.
He’s told Eddie to stay clear too, in his notes, but obviously Eddie didn’t listen.
For some reason, that bothers Steve. It bothers him that he has no real stake in Eddie’s life. Even though they’re not friends, and Eddie is at the bottom of the social totem pole, so Steve shouldn’t even give a fuck about him.
But he does. Somehow, and for some reason, he does.
“How much?” He asks.
Eddie raises his brows. “Rich boy like you?” He hums. “Forty.”
Steve knows he’s overselling. He also knows he’s in no position to bargain. “Cash?”
Eddie looks surprised, like he expected Steve to call him out on his behavior. “Uh,” he seems to shake himself out of his thoughts, tips his head to the side, and grins. “You gotta deal, Harrington. I’ll see you after school.”
The phrase makes his heart skip a beat.
He finds Nancy, talking about her Halloween plans with Jonathan. Steve kisses her extra hard because he missed her, and also because he feels guilty for the way his heart beats around Eddie.
He doesn’t know why he feels guilty when he loves Nancy. He knows he loves Nancy.
It’s the only thing he’s sure about.
Eddie does his drug deals in silence. Steve wants to talk, but he doesn’t know what to say. They share classes now, but it’s the only thing they have in common, so Steve just hands him the cash. Slips an extra ten in there because he hears things about the Munson’s money situation.
Eddie doesn’t even count the money. He tosses it in his stash box and hands Steve some hash. “You need rolling papers?”
“Uh,” Steve’s never rolled before. He’s never smoked before, either. He doesn’t really plan to, he just needed an excuse to speak to Eddie. “No,” he says. “I have some.”
Eddie furrows his brows. “Who do you usually buy from? You’ve never bought from me before.”
“Um.” Steve stares at the initials engraved in the picnic table surface. Z + A. Probably some poor girl Zach took here to fuck. Steve would bet anything he promised her they’d be together forever just before they had sex on this very table. Gross. Steve puts his hands in his lap. “You don’t know him.”
Eddie flashes those canine teeth. He glances at Steve from beneath hooded lashes. “I know every drug dealer in town, Harrington. But if you’d like, you can keep your little secrets.”
Secrets. Steve hates that word. He scratches his wrist. Change the subject. “You coming to Tina’s party tonight?”
“To get sheet-faced?” Eddie repeats the phrase typed across the neon orange flyer that’s been circulating around the school this week. “Nah. I mean, it’d be good for business–” he gestures to his stash box, “–but I’m sort of booked on Halloween. Can’t miss it.”
“Like, a date?” Steve wonders if Eddie is the type of guy who dates.
He wonders what kind of girl Eddie likes. If he likes the sort who are similar to him — outcasts and nerds. Or maybe he is okay with opposites. Maybe someone athletic. Does he have someone who makes his heart flutter the way Nancy makes Steve’s heart flutter?
“Nah,” Eddie shakes his head. “Uncle Wayne and I like handing out candy. We sit on the couch on our porch with this bigass bowl, filled with all the best candy. We save up for Halloween, dude, because most of the Forest Hill kids are not able to get near Loch Nora. It’s too far to walk, and lots of their parents work at the plant. Night shift, you know. So we try to make our kids feel like royalty for one stupid night,” Eddie is smiling softly as he finishes, fiddling with his rings. There’s a third one now. A cross surrounded by skulls.
Steve thinks about the bowl of candy he always leaves by the mailbox, a paper with the words take one written on it and taped to the bowl. He’s never actually cared about who got what. Never really thought that there might be kids who can’t get across town. “That’s really thoughtful, Munson.”
Eddie looks up without lifting his head. He looks sort of pretty, watching Steve through his lashes. Almost like a girl.
It’s a weird thought to have. Steve stands up so fast his thigh bumps against the table edge. “I just remembered I’ve got to go somewhere.”
–
everything is bullshit, isn’t it? doesn’t matter how hard we try, the universe is incredibly cruel. how do you stay so calm when everyone gives you so much shit?
teach me please, because i think i’m dying here.
–
Billy Hargrove. Bullshit. Nancy never loved him. Bullshit. She ran off with Jonathan again. Bullshit. Dustin Henderson has roped him into hunting another one of those creature things and Steve doesn’t want to, but he knows the little twerp would run off and do it anyway, and Steve will be damned if he has yet another death on his conscience.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It’s all fucking bullshit.
Steve gets knocked to the floor in gym. Tommy and Billy make it clear that Steve is no longer at the top of the totem pole.
Throughout all of this, Steve’s dad makes a big deal about swim team. Makes him quit before his first meet of the year.
Steve still has his bat, thank God. He has to use it to fight Dustin’s pet and about a dozen more. He hides Dustin, and two more kids — Lucas, he knows. Max, Billy’s sister, is someone he isn’t sure about yet. — in the old abandoned school bus in the junkyard. He thinks he might die here, cramped underneath a ton of debris they piled up to protect themselves.
But the demodogs run off in search of something, so Steve shepherds the three of them back to the Byers’.
He’s put in charge of the kids.
Nancy goes with Jonathan again, but this time it’s because Steve told her to.
Billie beats the shit out of him. It feels personal, but Steve isn’t sure why. He feels white hot fire shoot across his face with each punch Billy throws. He wants to wake up from this dream. Wants to shake Billy’s shoulders and scream at him to Calm down! We can fix this! We can talk it out! What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What's wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong?
He wakes up in Billy’s car. Max is driving. They burn the underground tunnels and Steve learns that the key to all this interdimensional shit is a little girl named Eleven. It’s a weird night.
He wants it to be over.
–
wish i could tell you how eventful autumn was for me. i’m hoping winter is more calm.
you’re playing guitar in the high school cantata, right? i hope i can go. i’m sure you’ll do great. i mean, all that metal paraphernalia has got to mean you can at least hold a tune, right?
–
He takes Dustin to the Snow Ball.
Nancy and Jonathan are chaperoning. They both had asked Steve to join in, and Steve thinks they mean well, but they just don’t understand how painful it all is for him.
It’s easier now to be away from Nancy. He can talk to her without feeling his heart rip out of his chest. But it doesn’t change the fact that he can no longer reach out and touch her the way he used to.
He drives down the hill, to the highschool. The cantata is probably over by now, judging by the minimal amount of cars in the parking lot. Steve didn’t mind helping Dusting get ready, he really didn’t. And it’s not like Eddie is expecting him, so he won’t be disappointed if Steve never shows up.
(None of this changes the fact that Steve would like to be the one who supports Eddie.)
Steve still has the weed Eddie sold him in his glove compartment. He takes the baggy and steps out of his car.
He sits on the hood of his car and waits for Dustin to be done.
By a stroke of dumb luck, Eddie comes tumbling out of the school, a guitar case in his hand. He’s laughing with another boy, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him close. He plants a kiss on the boy’s cheek and lets go of him, pushing him towards one of the only cars left in the parking lot. “See you later, baby! Our year, remember?”
“See ya after Christmas break, Eddie!” The guy yells, laughing.
Baby. Steve scoffs. He can only imagine the words Tommy would say if he witnessed this exchange.
God, Steve needs a beer. Something, anything, to stop overthinking the wide smirk on Eddie’s face.
“Steve? Did you come to the concert?”
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Steve finds it endearing that Eddie is referring to a cantata as a concert. He almost corrects him, but he likes the way Eddie looks when he smiles. There’s a sheen of sweat on his forehead. Steve briefly wonders if it’s because of how hot the school can get, or if Eddie had been doing some activity that involves a lot of movement.
Kissing. Steve wonders if Eddie was kissing that boy. If those rumors are true. If Eddie likes boys. Actually likes boys, in the same wonderful way that Steve likes girls.
He holds up his bag of weed. “Got any papers?”
The actual act of smoking weed isn’t that much different than smoking cigarettes, so Steve can keep his secret that he’s never smoked before.
Eddie sits on the hood beside him. Rolls a joint. Purses his lips around it and sucks.
Steve swallows his own saliva. He feels weird. This night is weird. And when Eddie passes him the joint, Steve hyper focuses on the way their fingers touch. On the way his lips are touching where Eddie’s just were.
“Did you kiss that guy?” He blurts. That empty feeling is back. Almost hunger, but not the same at all.
“What?” Eddie turns to look at Steve. “Why would you think that?”
Steve shrugs. “Just… you called him baby.”
“I call people baby,” Eddie says. “Doesn’t mean anything.”
“Oh.”
“And no offense, Steve,” Eddie takes the joint back. Sucks deeply, so that his cheeks hollow out. “But you’re the last person I would tell if I was.”
“Right,” Steve forces a laugh.
They finish the joint in silence.
At the bottom of the hill, kids start pouring out of the middle school. Steve will have to pick up Dustin soon.
But not yet.
He leans towards Eddie, hesitant, until their arms are pressed against each other. “I missed the cantata,” Steve says.
“It was shit anyway.”
“Still.” Steve’s head feels cloudy. Heavy. That empty feeling feels violent all of a sudden. The type of hunger that begins to eat itself. “Would’ve liked to see you play.”
Eddie laughs like it’s a joke.
–
i wish we could smoke together. sit side by side and tell each other stories until the sun comes up. i think i would let you in on every embarrassing secret of mine if it made you laugh.
i fucking love your laugh.
–
When Steve graduates, Eddie doesn’t.
Nancy and Jonathan take him out for dinner, and all they talk about are the kids, because every other topic feels off limits: the upside down, Nancy and Jonathan’s relationship, the fact that Steve isn’t getting into college…
“You hear Munson got held back again?” Jonathan dips one of his fries in some ketchup. “He failed one class and they wouldn’t let him take summer school. It’s fucked.”
Nancy chastises him for his language, but ultimately agrees. “Did you sign up for lifeguarding again, Steve?”
Steve frowns. “Billy beat me to it. I guess they like that he’s from a place with an actual beach, but it still sucks. My dad said there’s talk about that mall opening up soon, though, so I’ll apply to some places there.”
“We’re going for internships at Hawkins Post,” Nancy says, eyes bright with excitement.
“Right up your alley,” Steve says. His heart pings when she smiles at the compliment.
“Should we invite Eddie to that graduation party Tina is throwing?” Jonathan asks. “I mean, we’re invited and we aren’t graduating either.”
“Yeah,” Steve says before he can stop himself. “Might be good for his business, too.”
Jonathan says he’ll call him. Steve wants to ask why he has Eddie’s number. Wants to ask if he can have it. Wants to know what Eddie sounds like over the phone — if that odd twang in his voice translates over a landline.
“Tell him he can hang out with us if he wants,” Nancy says.
Steve bites into his burger. Lets the two of them be the nice guys.
Eddie’s more inclined to listen to them over Steve anyway.
–
Steve goes to clean out his locker a week after graduating.
The halls are empty, so he takes his time, memorizing the paint job and the chipped lockers he called home for four years.
A piece of paper sticking out of Eddie’s locker catches his eye. Before he can stop himself, he grabs it, unfolds it and skims over the words.
–
i don’t know who you are, but your letters are the only things keeping me alive in this shithole. i know you’re graduating, but i’m not, so here’s my address. write me sometime?
— e.m.
–
Steve memorizes Eddie’s address.
Uses money from his new job at Scoops Ahoy to buy stationary and stamps.
Drops the letters he writes off at the post office anonymously, because he’ll be damned if the mail carrier tries to write a return address on his secret letters.
He takes the kids to the pool. Calls Dustin at his camp whenever he gets the chance. Spends time with his coworker, Robin, who’s really fucking funny and is probably the first real friend he’s ever made.
Eddie never comes to the mall. Steve knows why. He’s seen him protesting the new establishment in favor of the small shops that have been forced to shut down. It’s a noble cause, and it’s a big fuck you to businessmen like Steve’s dad, so he likes it.
But it’s unfortunate because Steve doesn’t really get to see Eddie.
–
do you work during the summer? i do, and it kind of sucks, but it’s nice to have spending money. i think i buy more shit for my friends than for myself though. which is kind of an issue.
i wish i could tell you where i work and you could come visit.
i wish i could tell you who i am.
–
have you been to the pool this year? it’s bigger now. but it’s still too crowded most days.
have you ever been to the beach? i want to go one day, but sometimes hawkins feels like this giant black hole, like i’ll never escape it. i wouldn’t even know what to do if i was at the beach. that much open water might scare me, if i’m being honest.
–
that mall fire. it’s too much. it’s all too much. hawkins really is cursed.
so many of our classmates. dead. i feel sick every time i think about it. nothing feels safe here anymore. i wish i could drive away. i wish i could get in my car and drive and drive and keep driving until it’s nothing but a distant memory.
–
how is school? ‘86 is your year, i can feel it. you’ll finally graduate and then you can tell everyone who ever doubted you to go fuck themselves.
and then you can get out. become some big rockstar and forget all of us plebeians. i’ll be the old guy pointing at the television, swearing to everyone that i knew you in high school.
wouldn’t that be funny?
–
i think christmas is my least favorite holiday. i hope you’re having a nice time.
i hope you got everything you wanted.
i saw this ring at the mall and thought of you. it’s a mood ring. you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. i just wanted you to know that someone is thinking about you.
–
sending these letters to your house is a lot weirder than sticking them in your locker, just so you know.
i hope if i start to creep you out you can just burn them or something. i’d be okay with that.
my friend, robin, knows about you now. sort of. she knows i’m writing to someone. she doesn’t know who, and i intend to keep it that way.
i miss seeing your face every day. i think i got used to checking on you. it feels weird now that i never see you.
i’m getting news that hellfire club is doing well. from a reliable source, too, so that’s nice. i hope it goes well.
–
Chrissy Cunningham gets murdered in Eddie’s trailer.
Dustin and Max use the Family Video computer to find where he might be staying.
When Eddie pins Steve to the wall of the boat shed, it’s the scariest fucking thing in the entire world. Eddie’s pupils are blown wide, his eyes red and watery and scared. He doesn’t even recognize Steve. He’s got a broken bottle jammed against his neck and he’s snarling, threatening, eyes promising that he’ll hurt Steve if he has to. He’s wearing the mood ring Steve gave him.
Dustin is able to calm him down.
Eddie explains what happened, and he looks so helpless, so shocked, so frightened, that Steve gets the distant idea to wrap his arms around the boy. To comfort him.
But Eddie doesn’t know Steve like that. And if he’s being honest with himself, Steve doesn’t know Eddie like that.
They’re almost complete strangers, save a few conversations Eddie probably doesn’t even remember.
Steve remembers them. They feel burned into the back of his brain most days. He doesn’t know why. Couldn’t say. Couldn’t tell you why Eddie’s attention makes his skin crawl, in a bad way and a good way. Couldn’t tell you why he wishes he could call Eddie his friend right now; wishes he could protect him from this upside down shit and shield him from the horrors of Hawkins.
Not Eddie. Eddie is too good for all of this shit.
Eddie is comfortable with Dustin in a way Steve wishes he were comfortable with him. It stings and he takes it out on Eddie. The jealousy. Leans into the feeling. Hopes it doesn’t turn into anything else.
Jealousy means he can keep Eddie at a safe distance.
Friendship means he might tumble into unspoken territory.
–
He focuses on Max. Keeping her safe. It’s fucking scary to see her dangling in the air like some lifeless doll, but she’s safe now. Sort of. As long as she’s listening to music.
They go to the Creel house. Nancy keeps talking to Steve and touching him like she used to. Like something is still there. It’s fucking confusing, and to make matters worse, Dustin and Robin are teasing him about it, like he’s supposed to try again when Steve and Nancy both know that Jonathan is still in the picture.
They go to the upside down. Eddie is with them. He looks pitiful, soggy locks and big wet eyes and Steve wishes he could’ve protected him from all of this. Somehow, if he has just had the foresight.
He gets eaten up by demobats and Nancy patches him up. Eddie gives him his vest. There are more patches on it now. It’s heavy, and smells like some musky cologne Steve would never pick out for himself because girls usually like the softer stuff. But this is nice, Steve thinks. A weird denim anchor in the middle of this neverending hell.
Eddie calls him metal. Gets in his space. Tells Steve that he should try again with Nancy and dammit, Steve is tired of hearing that. He can make his own decisions. He can fight his own battles. Eddie is calling himself cynical, talking about the Munson Doctrine, something or other, and Steve is looking at Eddie’s lips.
They’re too close. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever been this close to a man he wasn’t trying to fight. There’s still that weird tension — like maybe they’re going to fight — and Eddie admits to being jealous too, so they’re on even ground. Just two men walking in these demented woods and Steve is thinking he should tell Eddie that it’s him.
If he dies of rabies or something like Robin is so scared of, he wants Eddie to know.
But they get interrupted by the earth shaking, and Steve doesn’t get the chance.
They get back to Hawkins. Real Hawkins, and start making plans to get weapons. Steve is putting all his cash on the table, including his emergency credit card, and for once no one is making some smart comment about his rich parents.
Eddie smiles at him. Twice. Once in Max’s trailer and once when he’s hotwiring his neighbor’s winnebago. Calls Steve big boy, which should bother him but it doesn’t. It only magnifies that hunger in his gut. That empty, gnawing hunger.
Steve can’t stop looking at Eddie’s mouth. He faintly gets the idea to kiss him, to wipe that smirk off his face. But he’s pretty sure there’s a million ways that could go wrong, and only one impossible way it would go right, so.
He tries to test the waters with Nancy. Admits to his dreams of a big family and tries not to think about the fact that Eddie is sitting against the back of his seat, listening to every word. Steve wishes he would butt into the conversation, use that Munson charm to tell Steve his own dream and how it’s better. And maybe it is. Steve just wants to know it. He hates the silence. Hates not hearing Eddie’s voice.
–
get well soon.
–
It’s a fucking mess, and Eddie almost dies.
Vecna does die, thank God, and everyone tries to get back to their lives. Max is okay, but she’s shell-shocked; refuses to take off her earphones for too long. Lucas won’t leave her side. The rest of the boys stay close to Eddie’s bedside, desperate to talk to their dungeon master about his adventures.
And Eddie lies in his bed, eyes distance and far away. He’s got on more bandages than Steve cares to see him with.
The news has declared him innocent, but the ghost of the accusation still lingers over his head, heavy and sweltering.
“Wayne let me in,” Steve says, just to break the silence.
Eddie is slow to turn his face to Steve. His face is scarred up, too. Mangled skin at his jawbone. He blinks. “No kids this time?”
“Just me,” Steve says. He hopes it’s enough. “Can I sit?”
Eddie gestures to his bed. Steve sits so that he’s facing Eddie, his hip agaisnt Eddie’s thigh.
“How much did the government offer you?”
Eddie snorts, like he’s surprised at the question. “Enough for a trailer, when I can finally get up and help Wayne move.”
He coughs, winces. Steve puts his hand on Eddie’s thigh before he thinks to stop himself. Runs his palm soothingly over the skin.
Eddie shivers. He gives Steve that look again. The one Steve has never been able to decipher.
Steve offers him nothing, too afraid his feelings might show. That hunger is back, gnawing on his insides. Coming up empty.
Feelings. What feelings? Steve stares at the red blanket Eddie uses as a curtain. The one that casts a pink glow across the room during the day, cascading Eddie in soft light. He looks pretty. Not like a girl pretty. Just pretty. Pretty like a boy. Pretty like a boy and Steve likes him, he thinks.
It’s not really a different feeling from liking Nancy. Steve finds that his mind doesn’t reject it as easily it might have a few years ago.
It just makes sense, he guesses. Years of notes and glances and want and maybe he’s liked Eddie Munson a lot longer than he first thought.
“They gonna let you graduate this year?” He chokes out a neutral question before he can reveal his hand. Before he says something he can’t take back.
Eddie blinks. Owlish eyes. Pretty eyes. He smiles. There’s a jagged scar that crosses his lip, already faded. “Never thought I’d see my uncle strong-arm a government official into getting me my diploma, but shit… Class of ‘86, baby.”
Baby. Steve wishes it wasn’t something he said to everyone. “You gonna walk?”
“And make all of my admirers remember me like this? Less than perfect? I could never!”
He still can’t physically walk, is the truth of the situation. His abdomen is fucked up. He needs bed rest for likely the whole summer, Wayne told Steve as much, but Steve can’t think of a worse fate for Eddie than forcing him to lie still for months.
“I’m sure your admirers would want to see you in any shape,” Steve says honestly.
Eddie frowns suddenly. “Hey, if I show you something, will you promise you won’t laugh?”
“I promise.”
Eddie turns towards his nightstand, and then winces. “Shit,” he mumbles. “These still hurt like hell.”
Steve knows they do because he remembers his own recovery. He only healed faster because there were less wounds, not because they didn’t try to fester and hold as long as they could.
“Could you get the shoebox out of my nightstand?”
Steve obeys. Grabs the beaten up Reeboks box and hands it to Eddie. He’s got an idea about what’s inside, but he can’t imagine Eddie would’ve figured out that it’s him. He hopes not, at least.
Eddie is sitting up against a few pillows. He opens the box. Pulls out a pile of familiar letters tied together using an old shoestring. “Someone has been sending me letters since my sophomore year,” he says.
“Oh?” Steve schools his expression into a teasing smile. “Got a secret admirer, Eddie?”
Eddie blushes, pretty pink over scarlet red. “I’m not going to show you if you’re gonna tease me.”
“I’m not!” Steve protests childishly. “I’ll be good.” He places his hands in his lap. “I promise.”
Eddie’s tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. He watches Steve for a moment, and then shakes his head, like he’s willing his own thoughts away. “You promise, huh? Well, anyway, I’ve gotten so many over the years, and they just sent me a get well soon card, which is nice. But I… I don’t know. I wish I knew who they were. I wish I could put a face to the letters.”
“Do you have an idea?” Steve feels his heart thump out of his chest as he asks. “Who it might be.”
Eddie gives him another warning glance, “It’s a guy. He gave himself away on accident, I think, because he’s never brought it up again. I know he’s friends with Robin, which narrows it down, obviously, because she’s not really known for hanging out with men.”
Steve snorts. He scratches his wrist. Eddie is too close to figuring it out. “Are they love letters?”
“I don’t know,” Eddie answers. “They read like diary entries most of the time, but he’s talking to me, so you know, it feels a bit like friendship. And in junior year I thought I knew who it was, even before all the hints, because I saw this guy’s handwriting, and it looked so similar that I thought the search was over but… I don’t know.” He glances at Steve, expression guarded, “I could never tell for certain.”
“Oh.” He’s been thinking of someone else this whole time? Steve’s heart tapers. He looks down at his hands. Picks at his nails.
“Yeah,” Eddie huffs out a laugh. “And with all the hints, I’m so sure I know who it is, but he’s so fucking guarded that I can’t figure out if he’s, you know, into me or not.”
“He probably is,” Steve says, throat dry. “I mean, no one spends their high school years writing to someone unless they’re at least a little bit interested.”
“And that mood ring was probably expensive,” Eddie concludes.
“Not really,” Steve says, “It was only a few bucks.”
“Steve,” Eddie’s voice is desperate all of a sudden, eyes open, head tilted, and Steve realizes that he knows. He’s known this whole time, or at least for awhile, and the only reason he never brought it up was because of the whole Vecna thing, and the fact that Steve is emotionally constipated,
“Shit.” Steve stands. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not– You probably wanted it to be–”
“You,” Eddie interrupts before Steve can run out of the room. “I wanted it to be you.”
“What?” Steve sits down again. He feels hot all over.
“Well, I saw your name on the sign up sheet,” Eddie mumbles. He looks shy, which is an expression Steve’s never seen on his face before. “And then you came to my show. You can imagine little gay me, catching the most popular guy in school coming to watch something I starred in, you know?”
“I like both,” Steve says. That empty feeling suddenly doesn’t feel so empty anymore. The hunger dissipates. Relief. The feeling that replaces the hunger is relief. “Nancy, I– That was real.”
“I know,” Eddie says. He licks his lips, looks away from Steve. “It would be easier with her. Life. Nothing’s gonna be easy with me.” It’s a warning, loud and clear, but all Steve can hear is that there’s a chance. Eddie’s giving him a chance.
“My life hasn’t been easy since junior year,” Steve amends. “And I want you.”
“Can I–?” Eddie leans forward, then winces, huffs, frustrated with his own immobility. “Can you kiss me? Maybe? If you’re ready for that?”
Steve braces his palm on the mattress beside Eddie’s hip and leans into his space. Eddie tastes like zebra stripe gum. His lips are pillowy, marred with remnants of the upside down. Steve kisses him the way he’d like to be kissed, soft and gentle and pliant.
Eddie brings one hand up, tangles his fingers in Steve’s hair. His hands are rough. Steve’s never had hands so big on him, unless they were his own. Unless they were hurting him. This new and tender feeling is foreign but not unwelcome. Steve reaches back, grabs Eddie’s wrist, and pulls. Lets him know it’s okay to be a little rough.
Eddie makes a sound against Steve’s mouth and pulls back just as suddenly. “Sorry,” he croaks, voice lost to the pleasure of a new love. “I didn’t mean–”
Steve soothes him, palm over those shaggy curls. “It’s okay. You sound good. Pretty.”
Eddie nods, lids heavy, sinful if you ask anyone. Biblical if you ask Steve. They kiss again, and again, and again, feeling each other out, finding what makes the other tick.
“We can’t tell anyone,” Eddie whispers when Steve kisses his head, smooths out his bangs. “It’s dangerous.”
“I know,” Steve says. “It’s okay. We can figure it out later. We’re safe here, right?”
“Yeah,” Eddie says, voice soft. “We’re safe here.”
–
i’m in love with you.
– steve harrington.
–