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Steve’s boyfriend had many names for him: Stevie, Princess, Sweetheart, Babygirl… The thought of each of them caused a rush of electricity to tickle his spine, they filled him with pure sunlight, in a way his given name never did. The nicknames felt the same way that Eddie’s embrace did, they caused the same rush that Eddie’s praise did, and Steve couldn’t explain it.
Eddie slid his arms around Steve from behind, his arms snaking around him and finding their place around Steve’s waist like they belonged there. Steve was standing in the kitchen of his boyfriend’s trailer, washing dishes absentmindedly and humming a song that Eddie hated.
“It’s okay,” Eddie had said, drawing out the syllables of ‘okay’ like it pained him to say it.
“You don’t have to like it,” Steve chuckled.
“It sounds a lot sweeter when it’s my boyfriend singing it,” Eddie planted a kiss on his cheek as he said it. And Steve’s heart had sunk slightly, but he couldn’t put his finger on why.
He shook off the feeling now, focusing on the gentle cage which Eddie’s arms had made for him. He felt safe, protected. It had been a feeling that was hard to come by in the past few years, but Eddie made sure that Steve never felt the need to pick up his bat. It was always nearby, Steve insisted on that, but he was starting to forget the feel of the wooden handle against his palm. It was nice.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie’s voice was still full of sleep, he mumbled his words into Steve’s shoulder before planting a kiss there.
“You cooked last night,” Steve kept his voice a murmur, matching Eddie’s. “That means I’m cleaning.”
“I like cooking for you,” Eddie nuzzled into his shoulder, as if he was trying to bury himself there, make their two bodies into one.
“And I like cleaning up after you’ve done it.”
“You hate cleaning,” Eddie nipped at his shoulder now, gentle and loving.
“Normally, yes,” Steve conceded. His boyfriend knew him better than anyone. “But I like taking care of you.”
Eddie didn’t fight him on that, he just ran his tongue over the spots where he had just sunk his teeth, soothing them. He hadn’t bitten him hard enough to bruise (not this time, at least), but the soothing was second nature to Eddie. He was more caring than anyone gave him credit for. It made Steve swoon.
“Leave it for now,” Eddie tugged at Steve’s waist gently, until he put down the plate he had been washing. “Couch, please.”
Eddie didn’t tell him outright that he wanted to cuddle, he never did, just gave Steve little nudges and hints. He wasn’t shy when it came to putting his hands on Steve, but Steve noticed that his boyfriend couldn’t quite ask for what he needed, couldn’t tell him when he needed to be held. So when Eddie asked him to join him on the couch, Steve counted that as a win, and he dropped his tasks immediately to comfort his boyfriend. The man he loved.
Steve twisted in Eddie’s arms to face him and leant forward until their lips met. It was a kiss full of morning breath and, undeniably, love. It was slow, steady, not without passion, but lacking the urgency their kisses had last night, right before they tumbled into bed. It was soft, chaste, gentle. Steve kissed Eddie like he was afraid he might break. Like he was something to be treasured, protected.
Steve reached behind his back to take Eddie’s hands in his own and lead him towards the couch. When they slept, Eddie always wrapped himself around Steve. He protected Steve from the nightmares. But then, sometimes, when they awoke, Eddie needed to be held. Steve loved those moments. They nestled themselves into the nooks and crannies of his heart, filling him with a glow that only existed for Eddie. So now, he pulled Eddie into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. He stroked patterns into Eddie’s back, soothing and sweet.
“How did you sleep?” Steve kept his voice low, not yet ready to break the serenity that surrounded them just yet. Speaking in his normal tone felt like it would shatter the very air around them, break the particles apart until everything was alien to him. He didn’t want to be anywhere near an alien dimension ever again, so he protected the bubble which he and Eddie were in.
Eddie made a noncommittal groan.
“You had nightmares too, huh?” Steve pulled his boyfriend into him until they almost became one person. Eddie had nightmares almost as often as Steve, but he didn’t always admit to them. He wanted to protect Steve as much as Steve wanted to protect Eddie. Steve occasionally woke in the night to find Eddie whimpering in his sleep, tear tracks covering his cheeks. He always asked Eddie if he was okay, but Eddie didn’t always want to talk about it. Steve respected that. He just hoped that Eddie knew he was there for him when he did want to come to him.
Steve felt Eddie’s shoulders sag as he sighed against him. There was the faintest hint of a nod.
“Do you want to talk about them?” This time, Eddie was deathly still. “I get it. Talking about it makes it seem more real, right?”
Another nod.
“That’s okay, Eds,” Steve traced more soothing patterns along Eddie’s arms, never loosening the pressure he had on him. He kept Eddie pressed against his body, using his weight to ground him. “Baby, it’s okay, I’m here.”
Eddie sniffled. It was so quiet that Steve almost missed it, but he could feel his shirt dampening slightly where Eddie was lying on it. Steve didn’t say anything, he just let Eddie relax into him. Little by little, the tension bled out of him. Eddie’s sniffles stopped.
“I love you,” Steve ventured to say. It was a little louder now, bringing their world into the real world, letting the worlds merge. They would have to leave their bubble soon, Steve had work, as much as he wished he could stay here.
“I love you too, Stevie,” Eddie nuzzled into Steve’s chest. The combination of the cuddle and the nickname made his heart soar. Eddie rarely called him Steve any more, he had noted which names caused the happiness in Steve to grow, and he had adjusted accordingly.
Eddie sat up then.
“You have work soon,” it was a statement. Steve could see the disappointment in his eyes.
“I could be sick,” Steve offered.
“No,” Eddie sighed. “You were sick two days ago. You need to go in.”
“Not if you need me here.”
“I’ll be okay, Stevie,” Eddie planted a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll come visit you if I get too lonely.”
“I’d like it if you did.”
“Then I’ll be there.”
They always did this. Pretended that they could spend more than a couple of hours without each other, knowing that they’d find each other anyway, knowing that they’d give up. Steve came to the Hellfire meetings now, just to sit beside Eddie and listen to him tell stories. Eddie showed up to Family Video without fail, just to sit on the other side of the counter and be in Steve’s company. They hadn’t slept separately since the night when Steve had called Eddie in the midst of the biggest panic attack he’d experienced yet. He thought he might have been dying; his heart definitely stopped for a moment there.
Robin would gag and call them codependent assholes.
Steve and Eddie didn’t mind that at all.
*
Steve had been staring at his name tag for at least fifteen minutes. He was hoping Robin would ask him about it, give him an excuse to talk, but she was busy organising the new releases by colour.
“Hey, Robs!” Steve called out in her general direction, keeping his eyes on the badge in his hands. He spun it around in his fingers, took note of the uneasy feeling in his stomach.
“Yeah, dingus?” Came the reply.
“Do you think I could change this?”
Robin’s head poked out from between the shelves to see what he was talking about, frowning slightly at the name badge, “Why?”
Steve shrugged, bought himself time to find the words. Robin abandoned her task and leant across the desk in front of Steve.
“What’s wrong with it?” She asked, more gently this time.
“It’s stupid,” Steve cleared his throat. “I — I don’t like being called Steve. It’s nicer when you call me Stevie.”
“Your name’s Steve, though,” Robin added helpfully. Steve didn’t know what he’d do without a friend to remind him what his goddamn name is.
“Thank you for that,” Steve grumbled.
“It would be like me putting Robs on my name tag.”
“What would be wrong with that?” Steve dropped the name tag now. He couldn’t bring himself to put it back on yet. Company policy specified that it had to be on at all times, but Keith wasn’t prone to surprise inspections. He was safe for now.
“It’s just —” Robin picked up the name tag now, studying it. “I suppose it would be okay, it’s just — different.”
“Maybe I’m different,” Steve breathed. Robin didn’t have the chance to question him further before Eddie crashed into the store.
“Dingus number two,” Robin greeted him. “Why don’t you just ask Keith for an application? You’re here enough.”
“But then I would have to work!” Eddie waved his hands with dramatic flair before falling back onto the counter in front of his boyfriend.
“Are you allergic to money?” Robin rolled her eyes so hard that her irises disappeared completely.
“I make money in other ways,” Eddie stood up again, giving Robin a quick wink.
“Illegal ways!” she whisper-shouted back.
“You weren’t complaining last weekend,” he replied, nudging her with his shoulder.
“Do I not get a hello?” Steve interrupted, still feeling uneasy at the thought of his name badge. He needed the familiar comfort of Eddie, and it made him jealous to see Robin getting the attention he wanted. Steve knew it was irrational, but he needed his boyfriend’s attention on him right now, and he knew Eddie wouldn’t begrudge him for it.
“I’m sorry sunshine,” Eddie turned to Steve with a glowing smile. It made Steve’s heart do a somersault in his chest; the name badge was forgotten. “How’s my princess today?”
“You saw him an hour ago!” Robin called over her shoulder, Steve hadn’t noticed her make her way back in between the shelves.
“And I missed him for every moment of it!”
Steve glanced around the store out of habit, but he knew that no one was there to overhear Eddie’s blatant confession. There never was on a Tuesday morning. Assured that the store was empty, Steve leant forward to plant a quick, gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s lips.
“I missed you too,” Steve whispered into Eddie’s lips, before pulling away, out of his orbit. He heard the distinct sound of Robin gagging.
“I miss the months of you pining,” Robin had appeared next to Steve now, typing something into the work computer system.
“No you don’t,” Steve ruffled her hair. “You did nothing but complain about that.”
“You were both so oblivious and annoying!” She groaned in return and tried to fix her hair, “But it was much more bearable than this.”
“Don’t be jealous, Robbiekins,” Eddie flashed her a devious smile and a wink. “I’m sure there’s a certain curly-haired brunette we can set you up with.”
Robin flushed at that, her cheeks stained a vibrant red almost instantly. Huh, Steve thought. Of course, he’d had his suspicions. Robin constantly tried to place herself next to Nancy when she had the chance, it was the perfect mirror image of how he’d acted with Eddie. Steve hadn’t brought it up to her, thinking that if he was right, he would know. Perhaps Robin just hadn’t wanted to tell him yet.
“Buckley!” Steve playfully swatted at her arm, “You’ve been holding out on me.”
“Steve,” the name stung, but Steve didn’t have time to process that before Robin was rambling on, babbling in the way that she did when she was nervous. In fact, Robin looked downright terrified. “I am so sorry. This was – well, this wasn’t supposed to happen. It is so far past the line of what’s acceptable between friends, it breaks the bro code a million times over. She’s your ex, she was your first love, and I’m just being so dumb and so selfish and –”
Steve couldn’t let her get any further.
“Robin,” he grabbed her arms, rubbed his thumbs in soothing circles over them. “Robin – hey – Robin, it’s okay.”
Blue eyes snapped up to meet his, still looking terrified. Prey in the face of a predator. Shell-shocked and expecting death to approach.
“It’s okay,” he repeated, hoping his face looked sincere (how do you make a sincere face anyway?).
“It’s… okay? ” Robin’s whisper was incredulous, disbelieving. Steve realised that people still expected him to act like King Steve sometimes, all jealousy and possessive tendencies. As if Nancy Wheeler was a prize to be won and he had won it.
As if anyone could own Nancy Wheeler.
Steve pulled Robin into a desperate embrace. He hoped he conveyed what he wanted it to – what he needed it to.
“Robs,” Steve whispered into her hair, stroking it softly. “I’m not mad.”
“You’re not?” She was whispering too. Steve was glad there weren’t any customers here. Robin needed his full attention.
“Of course I’m not,” he shifted to hold her a little tighter, she needed it. “You’re right, Nancy was my first love. But she’s not my only love, she’s not my great love. There are so many different types of love in my life and I am not going to hold onto Nancy. Not like that.”
Steve could feel Eddie’s eyes on him.
“I have you, I have the kids, I have Eddie,” Steve continued. “I don’t need you to ignore your feelings for Nancy because you think I might be mad.”
Robin nodded into his shoulder, “I just need to ignore them because she’s straight.”
Eddie cleared his throat, “Well…”
Their heads snapped up in perfect unison to look at Eddie. Steve would have laughed if it was another time – if Robin wasn’t so upset and the stakes didn’t seem so high – it was always funny to him when they did things in sync, two halves of one person. They spoke at the same time too, Robin saying “what?” at the same time that Steve said “you better start talking.”
“Look, I can’t give details, I can’t betray someone’s trust like that,” Eddie gnawed on his lip. “But there are some things that Wheeler can’t turn to you guys about; not either of you, not Jonathan, not her family… I was the only one left.”
Steve knew that there were only a handful of things that Eddie wouldn’t talk to him about. He could guess where the conversation with Nancy had gone. He could guess why Eddie was being cagey with the details; he could guess why Nancy couldn’t come to him or Robin with this. Steve was her ex, and Robin was…
Well, Steve could hope.
Steve could see the same mix of confusion and hope in Robin’s eyes. They truly were the same.
*
We’re the same.
Steve repeated it in his head like a mantra. It wasn’t often that Steve wished for time away from his boyfriend. Today, though, he was glad for the alone time with Robin when it came.
Eddie left just before Robin’s lunch break, so Steve was left to man the store alone. It gave him time to think.
Usually, he hated that. Today, though… Today it gave him time to script the conversation with Robin in his head.
How does he start something like this? How does he start to verbalise the uneasy feeling that’s been settled in the pit of his stomach for months now?
Do you ever feel so different that you don’t know what to do with yourself? He starts in his mind, before deciding that it’s too dramatic, no matter how true. He had been spending too much time with Eddie, inheriting his showmanship.
Robin, his mind pleaded, I don’t know what’s wrong with me –
Steve didn’t get much further in his script before Robin arrived back at the counter, giving him a playful nudge with her elbow and smiling wide.
“Miss me?” she asked, her voice impish as ever.
“Of course I did,” Steve replied honestly. “You’re my one and only, Buckley.”
“Don’t let Eddie hear you say that,” Robin laughed, no, it was more like a cackle. An honest-to-god, loud and heart-filled cackle.
“He knows that my soulmate is a lesbian,” Steve smiled along. It might have been his first genuine smile since he started work.
“Good, he better!” Robin called over her shoulder, moving back to the tapes she had been organising before her lunch break.
“Robin,” Steve finally manages to get out. She turned to him, attentive and waiting, but the rest of the words stuck in his throat. She must have taken note of the pained look on his face, because hers soon mirrored it. She dropped the tapes and made her way back over to Steve, only the counter separating them.
“Steve?” It was a delicate question. It almost didn’t make Steve flinch. Almost.
“Do you ever feel –” Steve’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper. It was a wonder Robin could hear him; she leant in close, hanging on Steve’s every word, even if they were quiet enough to miss. “– different?”
“I’m a lesbian, Steve,” Robin answered with a small smile.
She didn’t get it.
“Right, right,” he waved his hand dismissively. “Never mind.”
“Steve, talk to me,” Robin took hold of his wrists and hugged them close to her chest. “Is this about the name thing?”
“It’s around that vein, yeah,” he admitted, his eyes fixed on a stain on the counter.
“Talk to me,” she repeated, voice gentle and soothing. She reminded him so much of Eddie sometimes.
“I don’t fit in the box I’ve made for myself,” Steve says after a lengthy pause. It’s the only explanation he can offer.
“Maybe it’s time to change the shape of the box,” Robin answers. Steve’s pretty sure that she has no idea what she’s talking about, but her eyes are sincere and her gentle smile is full of love. That’s good enough for him.
“Maybe,” Steve nodded,
“What are you doing tonight?” Robin was brilliant at changing the subject when it needed to be done, when Steve needed a distraction. She always knew when that was.
“Well, Eddie has Hellfire, so –” Steve looked to the ceiling, he tapped his index finger to his chin and pretended to think. “I’m going to drink beer on my couch alone.”
“Wrong.”
“What?”
“That’s not what you’re doing,” Robin levelled him with a stern look.
“Then what am I doing, Robs?”
“Girls night.”
The idea caused a small swarm of butterflies to swirl around his stomach. It was so much more satisfying than the hollow emptiness of drinking alone while he waited for Eddie. He pushed down the vague feeling of excitement at being included with the girls.
“Girls night?” He tried to keep the pure joy out of his voice, to act like the cool guy who wouldn’t be caught dead at girls night. He tried for a King Steve reaction – stoic, icy. Unbothered.
“You’re an honorary girl, Stevie,” Robin had an incredibly wide smile on her face, with wild eyes to match. Seeing Robin like that, so excited to invite him to girls night – well, Steve couldn’t hide his own happiness any more. A smile to envy Robin’s broke out on his face.
“I’ll be there.”
“Great!” Robin giggled, finally letting go of his wrists. Steve shook them out, Robin had been holding them pretty hard and he needed to get the feeling back in his hands. “Does this mean you’ll drive me?”
“Oh I see!” The laughter came quickly, it reverberated from his chest in a way he didn’t think was possible an hour ago. “That was your plan all along, you had an ulterior motive, Buckley!”
“It’s just a fun coincidence!” She insisted, batting her eyelashes in an attempt to appear more innocent.
“I’m more than just my beemer, Buckley!”
“Of course,” Robin nodded, seriously, “I can’t forget about your hair.”
Steve playfully swatted at Robin, ignoring the fact that the feeling hadn’t quite returned to his hands.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Steve reminded her, to which Robin stuck out her tongue like a petulant child.
“I knew it!” Dustin’s voice rang out through the store. Steve hadn’t noticed the bell above the door announce his arrival; judging by the way Robin flinched, she hadn’t either.
“Jesus Christ,” Steve ran a hand down his face. “How long have you been standing there, pipsqueak?”
“I just got here,” Dustin rushed up to the counter. “And just in time too! You finally admitted that you love Robin!”
“Platonically,” Steve emphasised. “I love her platonically. Like you love El.”
“Gross!” Dustin retched. “I do not love El!”
“You can’t tell me you don’t care about her like a sister,” Steve raised his eyebrows at Dustin.
“Of course I –”
“That’s what platonic love is, dingus!” Robin interjected with an eye roll.
“If you two are actually platonic, I’ll eat my own hat.”
“Did you come here for a reason?” Steve poked Dustin in the chest. He loved the kid, but Jesus, he was annoying as shit.
“Yes, actually,” Dustin perked up again, brushing Steve’s hand away. “We need a ride to Hellfire tonight.”
Of course that’s why Dustin was here. When did he visit Steve at work without an ulterior motive?
“No can do,” Steve shook his head, trying to suppress the sigh he felt rising in his chest.
“Why?” Dustin whined.
“Got plans.”
“With who?” Dustin perked up then, a mischievous glint in his eye. “With Robin?”
“He’s joining girls night,” was Robin’s smug reply.
Dustin scoffed at that, “He’s not a girl.”
“Brilliant observation, Henderson,” Steve grumbled. Again, the deep pit in his stomach widened. It swallowed all of the happiness inside of him with it.
“We stole Steve for the night,” Robin jumped in. “Deal with it. Ask someone else for a ride, or use those bikes that have been gathering dust in your garages.”
Dustin scoffed again, Steve wondered if he could make any other kind of noise. The kid was always incredulous.
“This is just great,” he said, mostly to himself it seemed, because he turned away from Steve and stomped out of the door.
“Jesus, that kid…” Steve groaned.
“Are you and Eddie planning on telling them?” Robin cut in. Steve couldn’t help the guilt that poured out of him at that. Did Robin hate the comments from Dustin? Was she growing tired of saying “Platonic with a capital P ”?
“We’ve talked about it,” Steve shrugged. “It’s all so new. And I’m only out to you. He’s not out to too many people either. We wanted to wait a little while.”
Robin nodded. She understood. This one Steve knew that she understood.
He didn’t think about the other thing. He wouldn’t. Couldn’t.
*
Steve pulled up outside of the Wheeler house with more than a bit of trepidation coursing through his veins. He’d dropped off various teenagers at this house multiple times, but he hadn’t been inside since he was Nancy’s boyfriend. It stirred something uncomfortable in him.
“Are you sure this is okay?” He asked again, knowing that the answer probably wouldn’t have changed since the last time he asked.
Five minutes ago.
“Yes , Steve,” Robin tugged down the sun visor to check her hair in the mirror. She wasn’t wearing makeup today, ready for the makeovers or facemasks or whatever girls night had in store. Steve hadn’t actually asked what the plans were yet. “Nancy knows you’re coming. Everyone does.”
“And they’re okay with it?” Steve avoided Robin’s eye, staring at the door in front of him. It was somehow simultaneously inviting and terrifying.
“They’re excited, Steve,” Robin confirmed.
“Really?” His voice was small, almost inaudible.
“Really,” Robin confirmed.
“Even Nancy?”
“She doesn’t hate you, you know,” Robin eyed him cautiously, Steve could see it out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t dare to meet her gaze yet. He didn’t respond to her either. “After everything you’ve been through, and you don’t realise how much affection you have for each other?”
“I don’t – we don’t –” Steve tried, and failed, to express the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind.
“You love each other,” Robin reminded him, “Even if it’s not in the same way. You need to stop running from the love around you, Steve.”
“I’m not running.”
“So then get out of the car,” Robin kept looking at him, kept waiting for Steve to make the first move.
So he did. With a sigh that worked as a steadying breath, Steve pushed open the car door and clambered out. When he finally looked over at Robin, she was practically beaming at him, her arms cradling the snacks they had brought with them. Enough to share. It felt right. It felt like love.
Steve wished he was carrying the snacks, because then he wouldn’t have to enter the house first. He could follow Robin’s footsteps, follow her lead completely. He wouldn’t feel so lost. Steve seriously contemplated wrestling the snacks from Robin’s arms; he didn’t have time to think too much about it before Robin had bounded up to the door and stood waiting for him. Robin didn’t have patience, so Steve followed her, and opened the door.
“Finally!” Steve heard Max call from the living room. He guessed that they were the last to arrive, only made later by Steve’s crises in the car. Max may not have regained her sight, but she was perceptive as ever, her sarcasm only gaining strength. Steve still rolled his eyes at her, an instinct and not for her benefit.
“Okay, Mayfield,” he hoped she could hear the smile in his voice. “The guest of honour has arrived.”
“You’re delusional if you think you’re anything other than a third wheel,” she snorted.
“I know you can’t see, but there’s way more than three people in this room,” Steve pointed out.
“Yeah, well, sixth wheel doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi,” Max shrugged and turned away from Steve.
“Jenny say what?” Steve tried to repeat. “What does that even mean?”
Robin couldn’t hold back her laughter, it came out in waves and made Steve feel thoroughly embarrassed.
“Did you flunk French, nerd?” Erica chimed in, her sarcasm easily matching Max’s, if not overshadowing it.
“How could I be the nerd for failing a class?” Steve threw his hands in the air.
“You’re friends with my brother. You’re a nerd,” Erica shrugged.
“Ask anyone I went to high school with!” He insisted. “I’m not a nerd!”
“Whatever, nerd,” Erica waved him off. “It means a quality that can’t be named. In dumb-dumb speak, Max said that sixth wheel doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
“Then why didn’t she just say that?”
Max had a shit-eating grin on her face, stretching from ear to ear, “Making you feel inadequate is much more fun.”
Steve decided to ignore that comment. Max was snarky, but she cared about him. The brown envelope tucked away in the bottom of his bedside table told him that. He couldn’t forget the sincere look in her eyes when she handed it to him, the first time she acknowledged his presence in her life. He settled for ruffling her hair as he walked past her, on his way to the sofa to flop down next to Robin.
“Would you like a drink, Steve?” It was the first thing Nancy had said to him since he had arrived. It wasn’t hostile; that fact alone calmed Steve instantly. He felt his limbs actually relax into the sofa and he leant his side up against Robin.
“No thanks, Nance,” he tried for a gentle smile. “I’m okay.”
“We have wine or beer, if you want it,” Nancy smiled in return. “None for the kids though. They get sparkling cider.”
Erica and Max gagged in perfect synchronisation. Steve chuckled at how similar they were, they both acted much too old for their age, yet were still perfect representations of their immaturity.
“Maybe later,” Steve nodded, not wanting to turn down Nancy’s hospitality. It felt like a truce, a white flag waved in the air to signify that their conversations during the end of the world didn’t exist. Nancy nodded and took a seat on the other side of Robin.
Steve turned his gaze to Erica, “I thought you’d be at D&D,” he remarked casually, the curiosity written across his face.
“With my brother and his loser friends?” Erica rolled her eyes and drew up her arms to fold them across her chest. “No thank you. I’m starting my own party. Girls only. El’s gonna join.”
Erica gestured to Eleven, perched beside her, who nodded furiously. Her hair was starting to grow back in short curls and they bobbed when she moved. El looked genuinely excited at this prospect and Steve’s heart glowed.
“We don’t need boys,” El stated proudly.
“Speaking of that,” Max turned her attention back to Steve. He was only slightly unnerved by the startling accuracy of her gaze. “We’re not calling you Steve.”
“What?” Steve’s voice shook. Had Robin said something? She couldn’t have, she didn’t even know what was going on herself. Not fully. Steve tried to swallow the lump of anxiety which had welled up in his throat, but it wouldn’t budge.
“It’s girls night,” Max carried on unaware of Steve’s panic. That was a good sign, Steve told himself before she carried on talking. “You need a girl's name.”
“A – a girl’s name?” Steve schooled his expression, forced his voice to sound hesitant. He became King Steve for a moment, albeit a kinder version.
“Yep,” Erica popped the ‘p’ as she spoke. Her eyebrows were raised, daring Steve to refuse so that he could be kicked out.
“Okay,” his head bobbed in a shallow nod.
“I vote for Stevie!” Robin called out, knocking into Steve with her excitement. “We can’t change his name too much, it’ll confuse his pretty little head!”
Steve flushed at that. Stevie. She remembered.
Erica didn’t look impressed with the suggested name, but Robin’s reasoning must have convinced her, because she rolled her eyes and said “All in favour of Stevie?”
Everyone in the room raised their hand, so Steve raised his too.
“Did they agree?” Max asked with a hopeful smile plastered across her face.
“They did,” El confirmed.
“Welcome to girls night, Stevie,” Robin draped an arm over his shoulders and tugged him closer, hugging him to her body.
*
Max was the only one who would allow Steve near her with nail polish. She said something about not being able to see them anyway, so mistakes wouldn’t matter; Steve wasn’t too thrilled about the lack of confidence the girls had in his abilities, though he supposed he was the least experienced out of them. Still, Steve – Stevie – took his time, slowly dragged the brush over Max’s nails, avoiding the skin of her cuticles. His tongue was poking out through his lips in a way which was reminiscent of his boyfriend. The thought made him smile, he had picked up Eddie’s mannerisms. Max had chosen – no, demanded – a glittery nail polish. If they didn’t use a top coat, she said, then she could feel the rough texture of the glitter when she ran her fingers over it.
“I used to hate this feeling,” Max was absentmindedly running her finger over the nails of her left hand. “It’s nice now. I like knowing I can still do the things I used to.”
“You can do anything you put your mind to, Maxine,” Steve tugged at a loose strand of hair that had fallen from a braid.
“I can’t skate,” Max snorted. “And ew, never call me Maxine again.”
“Deal,” Steve chuckled.
“Can I still call you Stevie?” Her voice was quieter now, acutely aware of the deep pit that opens up in your stomach when someone calls you a name that isn’t yours.
“Of course you can,” Steve cupped her cheek; he stroked his thumb across it, kind, reassuring. “It’s part of the deal. I’m an honorary girl. I’m Stevie.”
And something bloomed in his chest at that thought. He was one of them. Accepted.
“Someone should do your nails!” Max seized his hand. “Robin! Nancy!”
They made their way over in perfect sync and Steve smiled at that a little bit. They looked good together.
“Stevie needs her nails painted!” Max was positively gleeful.
And Steve…
Steve had forgotten how to breathe.
Her. Her.
He didn’t have time to process it fully before Robin and Nancy had grabbed a hand each, eagerly pulling his hands to their laps. They didn’t even take the time to ask him about colours, they just grabbed the two closest ones.
Steve ended up with his left hand painted in a pale pink by Nancy and his right painted in an electric blue by Robin. He could’ve spent hours just looking at his hands, running a finger absentmindedly over the polish like he’d seen Max doing earlier. He wanted to commit the image to memory. His hands… They looked pretty.
He looked pretty.
It sparked something inside of him. A feeling he thought that he only experienced in the company of Eddie. A deep love – adoration, really – but this time, for himself. The euphoria that burned its way through each chamber of his heart was warm and comforting: it welcomed him home.
Who would’ve thought that painted nails and a girl’s name would make him feel more at home than his actual home did? Than his parents did?
Steve stored the thought deep in his subconscious until he could talk to Robin about it. He had more that he could say this time, he would script it better this time. He could tell her that he was having these feelings, that being referred to as an honorary girl caused him more euphoria than he had felt since he and Eddie had gotten together.
He just needed to wait until they were alone. He wasn’t going to risk this kind of conversation while they were at girls night, surrounded by some of the most intrusive girls he’d ever met. Plus Eleven.
*
The girls were all staying at the Wheeler house, Robin included, but Steve had already formulated his excuses to go back home to his boyfriend. His parents were out of town (he was pretty sure it was permanent now that the earthquake had made Hawkins even less desirable), so Eddie spent most nights curled into Steve in his bed, as if he belonged there. On the rare occasion that Eddie wasn’t in Steve’s bed, then Steve was in Eddie’s.
Steve couldn’t remember what the house had been like before Eddie. It must have been so empty, so cold, so hollow. It must have felt like a museum, a shrine to his parents’ carefully curated personas. With Eddie there, though, the house had life in it. Eddie reached out, touched the house, and made Steve able to breathe again.
They hadn’t spent a night apart since they had gotten together – they hadn’t spent many nights apart before that, honestly – and Steve wasn’t about to change that. There was always an unspoken promise to come back to each other.
Steve glanced at the watch on his wrist; it was nearing ten, which meant that Eddie would probably be finishing up with the Hellfire boys. Steve hadn’t been watching the clock. He hadn’t. He hadn’t been waiting for an acceptable time to leave since the movie ended and Robin helped him to gently wash off the face mask he’d been ambushed with. He hadn’t done any of that, because he was fully aware of how Robin would joke about their codependency. Which was ironic, because it was Robin.
Despite him absolutely not watching the clock, Steve was unlocking his car by the time it turned ten. And if he pushed the speed limit a bit on his way home, who could blame him really?
Eddie was already there when Steve pushed through the door of his home. He’d let himself in with the spare key and was standing in the kitchen, preparing two cups of hot chocolate. Steve wrapped his arms around Eddie, slotting their bodies together like they were made for each other. He nuzzled his face into Eddie’s hair, breathing him in deeply.
“Hey babygirl,” Eddie purred, voice so low that Steve could feel the rumble of his voice echo through his throat.
“Hey,” Steve replied, his voice muffled by Eddie’s skin and hair.
“Bad night?” Eddie guessed, Steve felt him move as he finished preparing their mugs of hot chocolate. Steve didn’t ask how Eddie knew he would be home. Maybe he had planned on keeping the drink warm on the stove until he did get home. Maybe they were just so connected that Eddie knew.
“No,” Steve lifted his head now and planted a kiss on Eddie’s cheek. “It was pretty wonderful, actually.”
“Good,” Eddie twisted around in his arms, abandoning the hot chocolate behind them. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.”
Steve took the opportunity to kiss his boyfriend properly. He brushed his lips across Eddie’s before letting them travel across his face. He kissed his dimples, his cheekbones, his jawline; he kept kissing until Eddie caught him by the face and held him there.
“Holy shit, man,” Eddie breathed, staring at Steve in pure awe. “Your skin feels amazing.”
“Oh,” Steve released a breathy chuckle. “Nancy made some kind of face mask thing, I didn’t even know that was something you could make, but it made my skin feel great.”
“You need to ask her to teach you how to do that,” Eddie ran his thumbs over Steve’s cheeks. “We can have one hell of a date night with it.”
“Deal. Now let me kiss you.”
Eddie released his hold on Steve’s face so that their lips could meet. They were smiling as they kissed each other. They usually were.
Eddie pulled away again, too soon for Steve’s liking. Steve made a small noise of disapproval, which Eddie acknowledged with a delicate kiss planted on his forehead.
“Stop pouting,” Eddie chuckled, turning back to the counter. “Your hot chocolate will get cold.”
Steve allowed Eddie to nudge him towards the living room, though he couldn’t say he was too happy about the loss of proximity. It wasn’t for long, though. Eddie sensed his neediness; he placed their mugs on the coffee table and pulled Steve into his lap.
“How was Hellfire?” Steve reached for their mugs before he settled back into Eddie. Eddie took his mug with a smile, a gentle smile which he reserved only for Steve. It made him melt. Steve melted even more when Eddie launched into an animated explanation of the night’s events. He didn’t skip a single detail, and Steve hung on every word.
*
Steve didn’t see Robin for three days. He would call it torture, but he spent the entire time with Eddie, so it was bittersweet. Especially when he remembered the fact that he was literally tortured. But Robin was there for that.
Steve loved being around Eddie, he really did, but he had this feeling building inside of him. He needed to talk about it. He needed Robin.
The hours at Family video were few and far between lately. And it was even rarer that they would be on shift together. So on Tuesday, he said fuck it and drove over to the Buckley house.
“Steve!” Mrs Buckley cooed at him as she opened the door. “It’s lovely to see you, dear!”
“Hi, Mrs Buckley,” Steve’s smile was warm and genuine, it always was for Mrs Buckley. He was pretty sure that she only treated him so kindly because she thought he and Robin were dating. Eddie had witnessed it before, and he found it objectively hilarious.
“Come on in, honey,” she stepped to the side and ushered him into the house. “Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Something to eat?”
“No thank you, Mrs Buckley.”
“Honey, I told you,” she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Call me Janet.”
Steve nodded, knowing that it felt wrong to address her with anything less than an incredible amount of respect. It was the same with Claudia Henderson. “Is Robin here?”
“She’s upstairs, dear.”
Steve nodded again and began to climb the stairs, the familiar route up to Robin’s room. He just about heard Janet Buckley call “keep the door open!” as he reached the top of the stairs.
“Oh, Robbiekins,” Steve called as he opened the door. He didn’t have time to dodge the pillow that came flying at his face.
“Dude, gross,” Robin’s face was a beguiling mix of disgusted and amused.
They had the routine down to an art now; Steve knew exactly how to close the door so that there wasn’t so much as a click. Robin’s father wasn’t home, so he wouldn’t come upstairs to check on them, and Robin’s mother trusted them enough to leave them be. Even if she did still attempt to remind them of the rules.
Steve crossed the room and flopped onto Robin’s bed. He’d picked up the cushion that had bounced off of his head, and it was now clutched to his chest.
“What’s wrong?” Robin eyed him knowingly.
“Why does anything have to be wrong?”
“You have that face,” Robin drew her eyebrows together and pouted her lips slightly. He assumed she was attempting to copy what she saw on his face.
“This is just my face,” he protested weakly.
“I call bullshit on that, Steven. Did you and Eddie fight?”
“No!” Steve flinched at the suggestion.
“Then what?” She prodded, but she stayed silent then, waiting for Steve to open up. Robin was simultaneously the most patient person Steve knew, and the most impatient person that he knew. It came in handy for situations like this, where Steve needed a little push, but then time to say what he needed to. Robin always seemed to know when he needed that.
Steve just needed to sit with it for a bit. He had the words formed in his head, but he needed time to get them past his lips. So he stared at his nails for a moment, revelling in the happiness that flowed through him like a river when he looked at them.
“I have some acetone,” Robin offered, “In case you want to take it off.”
Her voice was gentle and, god, Steve was so enamoured at how kind she was. Enamoured in a totally platonic way, of course. She always treated Steve so kindly. There were no exceptions.
No exceptions, Steve repeated to himself.
So, logically, this couldn’t stop Robin from treating him with kindness, Couldn’t stop Robin from loving him.
Even if –
No. He couldn’t go there yet.
“I like the nails,” Steve assured her, simply. “They make me feel more like myself.”
Robin nodded, giving Steve the space to continue without judging. Steve loved her, he really did.
“I like feeling feminine,” Steve thought he was brave for saying it out loud, even if his eyes stayed firmly glued on his nails. “But I like being masculine too. It’s like it depends on the day.”
Robin took a breath in, as if she was about to say something.
“I know that it’s weird,” Steve had to keep talking. He had to get it all out in one go, or he might never say it. And oh , how he needed to say it. “It’s weird and it’s not how I’m supposed to feel. But I like being Stevie , not Steve. Max called me a girl and said her nails and I almost cried. It was so nice, Robin. I felt like this black hole that’s been gnawing away at my gut, swallowing me from the inside out – it’s like it shrunk when she did that. I felt happy.”
Robin didn’t try to interrupt him. She let him talk.
“I felt seen,” Steve concluded and looked up at Robin, a signal that he was done, for now.
“Stevie,” was how she chose to start, and Steve was overcome already. She had been listening to him, truly.
“Stevie,” she said again. “How do you think you’re supposed to feel?”
“I –” Steve hadn’t anticipated that question, exactly, but he knew the answer. “I’m supposed to be Steve Harrington. Popular. Athlete. Monster-killer. Man.”
“And you don’t think you’re that any more?” Robin asked carefully.
Steve shook his head.
“Oh,” Robin mused.
“Yeah, oh,” Steve managed, an echo of their conversation on a dirty bathroom floor a lifetime ago.
“That’s okay, you know,” Robin tossed an arm around Steve’s shoulder and pulled him in close. She pulled him into her until every line of their bodies were pressed up against each other. Steve felt some comfort in that. Robin had listened to everything he had said so far – admitted so far – and she still held him like he was precious.
“Is it?” And if his voice sounded downright pathetic, Robin didn’t mention it.
“Stevie,” Robin traced circles onto Steve’s bicep. “Of course it is. Lots of people have complicated relationships with gender.”
“They do?”
“They do,” she confirmed, voice gentle as ever. “I mean, we might not know of any, but I know that they’re out there.”
“That’s not too comforting, Robs…”
“Shh, just listen,” Robin whispered. “Vickie told me that she went to this bar, once. For people like us. Except, it’s not just who you love, Steve.”
“What do you mean?” He croaked out, his voice was shot, shaking. Almost gone.
“There were people at the bar who had complicated relationships with gender too,” Robin squeezed him a little tighter. “There were lots of different people. Some were the complete opposite that other people saw them as, but some…”
Steve felt Robin’s head rest on top of his. He was completely enveloped by her.
“Some were more – fluid.”
And Steve didn’t think that should make sense. People couldn’t be fluid, they were real. Solid. Unchangeable.
Except Steve already had proved that people could change. He did change. He was such an asshole, and now he was someone Robin could love. Someone Eddie could love. And he loved them in return.
Wasn’t that enough proof that this was possible?
“Fluid?” was the only reply Steve could muster.
“Yeah,” Steve felt Robin nod against his head. “Just like you described. Not quite a man, not quite a woman. Just… you.”
“Just me,” Steve echoed.
“We can change your name badge. I don’t think we should even ask Keith. We can have a name-badge-decorating party.”
“That sounds fun,” Steve shuffled to look up at Robin. “I love you, you know that?”
“I had a sneaking suspicion,” she beamed at him. He beamed right back. “I love you too, dingus.”
“At least dingus is a gender-neutral insult,” Steve snorted.
“You’re right, it is! So I’m not losing anything,” Robin announced proudly.
Steve ignored that, he knew that he could ask her never to say the word dingus again and she would lock it away forever and throw away the key. He wasn’t going to do that though, he liked being her dingus, so instead he asked, “Am I still invited to girls night?”
“Of course you are!” Robin answered without skipping a beat. “Gotta keep this manicure up. You look good with nail polish.”
“I do, don’t I?”
And Steve felt so content, so ready to take the chance and talk to Eddie. Robin made him feel brave. She had since that day on the floor in the Starcourt bathrooms.
*
The conversation with Eddie came two days later.
Steve had tried to convince Robin to be there when he told Eddie; Robin had told him that this was something he had to do alone. Which, yeah, he understood that. He just wished she wasn’t so right all of the time.
So there he was, tucked into domestic bliss with Eddie, and so sure that he was about to ruin it.
“Eddie?” It wasn’t often that Steve formed his boyfriend’s name like a question. Usually it was a reverence, a prayer, a promise. Steve said his boyfriend’s name like it was love personified. He didn’t want that to change, but today it was a question. Steve hated that it was a question. Uncertainty made him nauseous.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Eddie’s voice was immediately soothing. It would’ve calmed Steve completely if the stakes weren’t so high.
Because Steve was acutely aware of how high the stakes were. He had spent the past two days thinking about how he wasn’t a man, and how his boyfriend liked men. Steve was readily approaching the end of his relationship. He knew that. He hated it. But he couldn’t carry on pretending to be Steve Harrington any longer.
It wasn’t who he was any more, and the act of pretending only made the black hole in his chest larger.
“I had this talk with Robin,” Steve started. He and Robin had talked about how he was going to broach the subject, but it didn’t make the process any easier.
“Oh yeah?” Eddie pulled him closer on instinct. He must have sensed how Steve tensed up. “Wanna talk to me about it?”
Steve nodded. He did want to talk to Eddie about it. He just had to encourage the words to make their way out of his lips.
“Take your time,” Eddie soothed him with a hand in his hair. Steve leaned into it.
“Have you ever been to a gay bar?” was how Steve decided to start. It wasn’t quite what he and Robin had planned, but it was what was happening.
Eddie laughed; it was a low, soft chuckle. “Yeah, baby, I have. Why’d you ask?”
“Robin was telling me –” No, that wasn’t quite right. “Vickie said that there were people there, who – well, they –”
“Yeah, Stevie?” Eddie wasn’t interrupting. He was giving Steve the gentle push he needed. Grounding him.
“They have a complicated relationship with gender,” Steve parroted Robin’s words.
“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. “Some people don’t agree with how others see them, with the box they were pushed into. They can transition. Though, there are some men that dress up as women as an art form – was Robin talking about drag queens?”
“No, no, she –”
This would be so much easier if the words wouldn’t keep sticking in his damn throat.
“She did mention all of that, but for the record, I already knew what drag queens were,” Steve nuzzled further into his boyfriend’s embrace. He wanted to make the most of this while he could. While it was still his.
“Of course you did, princess,” Eddie sounded amused. Steve loved the warmth in his voice, as smooth and sweet as honey.
“That wasn’t – I didn’t want to talk about drag queens,” Steve frowned, slightly frustrated at his incompetence.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Eddie switched out the names like they were second nature to him. Maybe they were, or maybe he truly saw Steve as all of these things. Maybe that’s who Steve was to him, and the thought caused an ache in his heart. “Carry on,” Eddie urged.
Steve took a deep breath. He’d done a lot of that lately.
“You might see me differently,” Steve started again.
“No matter what I learn about you, it only makes me love you more,” Eddie traced circles into his arm, just like Robin had done during their conversation. Steve really hoped he didn’t lose Eddie. “You’re everything, Stevie.”
“Don’t say that yet,” Steve whispered.
Eddie nodded his agreement, waiting. He stayed silent. He let Steve carry on without interrupting.
“Vickie mentioned these people who weren’t necessarily one or the other,” Steve clarified. “Masculine and feminine, not always in equal parts, or at the same time, but a combination of both.”
Eddie hummed, a simple rumbling noise to let Steve know that he was still listening and that he should continue.
“I think –” Steve shook his head, that wasn’t right. “I am like that.”
“Both?” Eddie asked. For once, Steve couldn’t get a read on the meaning behind his words. He could be looking for clarification, or totally confused, or figuring out how to end things with Steve. He really hoped it wasn’t the last one.
“Both,” Steve nodded. “Not always at the same time. It’s fluid.”
He had learnt to adopt that word which Robin had used. Fluid was the best way to explain how he felt, moving between one state and another. Never truly still, always adapting, evolving. A new relationship with himself each day. He could appreciate the beauty of it.
He hoped Eddie would too, even if they couldn’t be together.
“Fluid,” Eddie turned the word over in his mouth.
Steve swallowed. His heartbeat thrummed loudly in his ears. It hadn’t ever been this loud without some kind of head injury.
“Is that all?” Eddie eventually asked. Casual, like Steve hadn’t just flipped their world inside out.
“You’re – okay with this?” Steve chanced a look up at Eddie. He was met with melted chocolate eyes absolutely dripping with admiration. Eddie was looking at him like he always did, in fact, it might have been even fonder.
Steve couldn’t understand.
Eddie looked at Steve like the answer was obvious. And Steve couldn’t understand.
“Yes, I’m okay with it,” Eddie seemed to know that he needed a verbal answer. He was so caring. Always willing to give the reassurance Steve needed. But this time, it didn’t make sense.
“You’re attracted to men,” Steve stated.
A crease appeared between Eddie’s brows, it was the same look he got when he was trying to learn a new song but he couldn’t will his fingers to move fast enough on the first try.
“I am,” he agreed, but it was hesitant, like he wasn’t sure the answer was the right one.
“So you can’t be attracted to me,” Steve looked away from Eddie, he couldn’t bear for the love of his life to see how truly broken he was in this moment. “You can’t love me.”
“Stevie,” Eddie’s breath was barely more than a whisper, but it filled Steve’s entire world. “I could never love another person as long as I live. Whatever I thought my sexuality was before, that doesn’t matter. No word, no label, will matter as much as how much I love you.”
Steve was winded. Eddie had sucked all of the air out of his lungs.
Eddie leaned down to kiss him. He kissed Steve until he remembered how to breathe again. They shared air like they shared everything else.
Steve still had so much to learn about himself, but this one thing hadn’t made the world come crashing down. He found himself becoming more confident that nothing could break them apart. Even when they were forced to be apart, when the cruel confines of Family Video called to Steve, there was an invisible thread tying them to each other. Linked inexplicably and forever.
Steve pulled away just enough to whisper, “I’m Stevie.”
“My Stevie,” was Eddie’s reply.
And Stevie’s heart had never been so full.
*
*
Art by Stevepapucho - Original link