Chapter Text
When Bruce first started using Matches Malone, he hadn’t expected to use the alias so much. He only planned on visiting the bar a couple of times, gathering some information, and leaving with no plans on ever returning with the alias again. But then Davidson had said something about his kids and James had brought up his daughter so Bruce had to mention something and the thing that popped into his head was how Dick had somehow found a jar of cookies that was hidden in the wine cellar.
If Bruce had thought to hide the mission files, or better yet just burn them, Dick never would have known that Bruce had created the identity of Robbie Malone and would never have used the identity.
Bruce would like to think he would have avoided many future headaches had he burned the file. No Robbie meant no Ally, Archie, Minnie, Jackie…did his kids really all end their names with e sounds at first? Cass really was an angel for breaking that up with Delilah.
Even with all his complaints, he had to admit, it was nice being able to bond with the kids over their Malone identities. He knew Jason would often use Archie as an excuse to visit, one Bruce would never turn down. Stephanie would tag along for ‘funsies’, whatever that meant, but it was nice to see her doing something other than risking her life or eating all his food. Bruce had even found a way to bond with Damian through L’il Matches, though Jon had recently rejoined as Eric for the past couple of visits, stealing the youngest Bat’s attention.
Currently, Bruce stood in front of his bathroom mirror, putting on the Matches’ fake nose. Today was roughly the fifteen year anniversary of Matches Malone and the kids had insisted on celebrating, so even though there was no case related reason, everyone was getting ready to head to the bar as their Malone identities.
Originally, the fifteenth anniversary was going to be celebrated by adding Grandpa Malone to the mix. Dick had been insisting that Alfred join them for years but the butler had always put his foot down, insisting someone stay as backup, keeping watch over the city and those on patrol. Bruce was pretty sure the kids had just decided to put off their begging for the sixteenth anniversary, knowing that Alfred’s fiftieth anniversary of being the Wayne family butler would be that same month and they could try to convince him then. Alfred was probably the only person on the planet who was still able to say no to all of Bruce’s kids at once.
The new celebration would consist of everyone who ever held a Malone role, reappearing on the exact same night by complete ‘accident’.
For the past month, Robbie had been thrilled to tell everyone that Ally was coming back from Europe for a few weeks and had promised to visit the bar at least once. Then on their last visit when Riddler was creating a city-wide scavenger hunt, Matches had received a call stating that Ally had gotten into a car accident on her way home from the airport.
By breaking the coffeemaker at the Watchtower and refusing to buy a new one, Bones was required to make an appearance. Archie and Zachary had been acting a little strange and Naomi was worried about Matches safety, prompting the need for his old bodyguard to return.
Caleb was also set to appear with his boyfriend and girlfriend tonight. Everyone had to convince Tim to tell Bernard everything about their hero lives well ahead of time because they all knew Bernard would probably have a stroke upon hearing the news. They weren’t too far off. From what Bruce heard Bernard had made a powerpoint presentation of everything he knew relating to their hero identities and then made Tim confirm what was true. The two actually came up with new theories and Bernard had apparently found three of Jason’s safehouses by complete accident. It was entirely unfair as well since Bruce only knew of two. Technically he still did because Jason had Minnie light them up after Dick had stopped by for some ‘brotherly bonding.’
After making sure everything was in place, Bruce walked down towards the foyer where most of his children should already be. Jason had dragged Duke to his safehouse so they could spend the day together (because apparently Duke is Jason’s favorite of something) and the two were meeting everyone at the bar. Dick and Damian were helping Clark and Jon respectively so it would probably take longer for them to get ready. Selina had said she’d show up when she felt like it, which could mean anything when it came to her.
Currently Cass, Tim, Steph, Bernard, and Barbara were ready to go. Cass was wearing a fuzzy cow onesie that she had bought herself when at the mall with Steph and Babs last week. Tim was in his usual Jackie outfit with a varsity jacket that was too small, jeans, shades, and pink light up sneakers. Steph was wearing a long sleeved pink crop top, matching Tim’s sneakers, and a pair of white short shorts. She had also pulled her hair up into twin pigtails, claiming that her head was beginning to hurt from the buns. Bernard was wearing a sweater vest with a bow tie and the thickest wire glasses Bruce had ever seen; it was a miracle the blonde could even see.
Babs was practically glowing as she chatted with Cass, back in her Ally Malone outfit for the first time in years. She had a black cast on one leg with a royal blue stripe wrapping around it, matching the wig she wore. She had several fake piercings in her ears, along with one on her nose and lip. Babs had on the spiked choker she would occasionally pull out when bored along with a wide variety of rings Bruce had seen on all three girls’ fingers over the years. She threw on a blue spiked leather jacket and a pair of jeans over the t-shirt of one of her favorite bands. Steph had already stolen the knee-high boot that matched the one on Babs' foot, claiming that she was keeping them because they looked badass.
“Is everyone almost ready?” Bruce had asked.
“Beauty takes time, Bruce!” Dick yelled from upstairs.
“Tt, Grayson is admiring himself in the mirror. He will be down a moment,” Damian answered, marching down the stairway in his pinstriped suit, lollipops in hand. Jon floated beside him, matching what Dick would wear as Robbie, minus the knives.
“You promise to buy the new coffeemaker after this?” Clark asked, following the boys down the stairs, dressed in a black shirt and pants, dark shades, and sleeve tattoos, looking the most not Clark like he would probably ever be.
“Of course,” Bruce responded, adjusting the jacket of his suit.
“Good. Oliver offered to buy the new coffee machine. The one at his place always makes it scorching hot,” Clark said. “It wouldn’t bother me but I know some other team members would prefer to keep their taste buds intact.”
“Coffee isn’t designed to taste good,” Tim mumbled from his spot by Bernard. He seemed to be fiddling with his boyfriend’s bowtie. “Coffee's for when you have stuff that is more important than sleep.”
“And this is why you have eye bags bigger than the moon,” Steph said.
“Shut up.”
“Never.”
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dick!” he shouted. “Hurry up!"
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Dick assured, running down the stairs. “I had to find all of Robbie’s knives."
“I already told them you were admiring your reflection, Grayson."
“Well I did that too,” Dick said to Damian. “We ready to go?"
“Finally,” Steph sang. “Let’s go have a Malone family reunion.”
~
Bruce was the first to enter the bar but just as he had stepped in the door, Dick literally bounced past him and collapsed at the table where James, Davidson, Noah, and Gregory already sat, playing a game of poker. Davidson let out a deep sigh when Dick stole the cards in his hand and joined the game.
The years hadn’t always been the kindest to the four men in front of him but despite their criminal actions, Bruce had a soft spot for the mob leaders. Especially since they all had mostly retired five years ago and now just listen to rumors and made sure their kids didn’t get themselves killed. Bruce would like to think he would have enjoyed that kind of life, had he chosen to pursue any other career. Vigilantism just isn’t something you can retire from.
Damian and Jon made their way into the room, lollipops sticking out of their mouths and asked if they could join the game. Jon was standing directly behind Damian’s chair and in any other context it looked like the Kryptonian was about to murder him. Is that what Bruce looked like when he stood behind Clark’s chair during Justice League meetings?
Barbara was the last of the kids to enter, moving towards the table and receiving many welcomes from the mobsters as she asked to be dealt a hand.
Clark moved to stand in the back of the room, crossing his arms as he glared at everyone in the room behind his sunglasses.
“Hey, Matches!” Davidson called as he passed Bruce his cards. “What’s Bones doing back here?”
“Naomi’s worrying over nothing again, that’s all,” Bruce replied flippantly.
“Archie and Zachary are acting weird again,” Dick said, very unsubtly replacing one of the cards in his hand. “I think she’s expecting them to murder him, which is totally impossible.”
“What makes you say that?” Gregory asked as he sighs, tossing his cards onto the table in defeat.
“Minnie would murder everyone first.”
Barbara snorted. “She’d keep Jackie alive.”
“But she gets jealous easily,” Dick defended, as if they all didn't know that the first person in the family that Steph would murder would be Tim. They had decided that over an impromptu game of paranoia at dinner a few weeks back, to which Steph had agreed, much to Tim’s disappointment. “Minnie would kill Jackie if it meant she got Caleb all to herself.”
“Minnie has the complete capacity to murder Jackie, both physically and mentally,” Damian cut in, running his hand along the edge of a knife he probably stole from Dick, who immediately confiscated it. “The regret she would feel following his death would leave her emotionally damaged beyond any type of repair due to the nature of their relationship, however horrendous it may be.”
Bruce squashed down a laugh at his youngest’s comment.
“Anyway,” Dick mumbled, collecting half the pot even though he didn’t win the poker round, “Archie and Zack freak Naomi out and since she’s the only woman Dad has ever been with that he likes, he agreed to have Bones follow him around again.”
“I liked your mother,” Bruce defended.
“The custody battle said otherwise,” Babs said, whacking Dick as he tried to steal one of her cards. “I think I remember you calling her a ‘stuck up bitch who can’t handle life,’ followed by you dragging Robbie and I out of the courtroom while she screamed death threats.
“I liked her before she took you away.”
“I know,” Babs replied. “It’s why she mysteriously fell out a window on my eighteenth birthday. I still don’t know how it managed to break.”
Bruce quirked a smile at the looks of fear from the mobsters. Noah scooted his chair away from Babs.
“Uncle Matches!”
Bruce turned in his chair towards the front door where Tim was dramatically dangling off Cass who looked very comfy in her cow onesie. Note to self, look at getting the kids onesies for Christmas.
“Jackie, Delilah, what are you guys doing here?” Bruce asked, watching as several mobsters began checking for their watches and wallets.
"We wanted to say hi," Tim said cheerfully, kicking a chair as he scrambled over to wrap Bruce in a hug.
"He's hiding from Minnie," Cass answered softly.
Gregory and Davidson chuckled as they moved to pat Tim on the shoulder.
"Slept with another prostitute?" Noah asked.
"I didn't know they were prostitutes!" Tim defended. "And no, I took Caleb on a date and forgot to invite Minnie."
"I will write a touching eulogy for your funeral, Jackie," Damian said, tossing down his cards as Babs showed him her royal flush.
"I think that answers our previous debate though. Minnie will one hundred percent murder Jackie," Dick responded thoughtfully.
"She would grieve his death though," Cass said.
"I'm doomed," Tim moaned, sinking to the floor.
"Why is Jackie doomed?" a voice called. Bruce turned in his chair to find Selina leaning against the doorway in a short, tight fitting black dress and black boots that went up past her knees. Her naturally dark hair was hidden by the blonde wig and complemented by a pair of diamond earrings that recently went missing from a local collector.
Bruce smiled at Selina as she waltzed into the room. “Naomi, what a pleasant surprise.”
“I thought I’d come see how the boys are doing. I also got a call from Minnie asking if I knew where Jackie was, should I be worried? She sounded quite upset over the phone.”
“She’s the reason Jackie is doomed,” Jon supplied, shocking the older men at the poker table. Jon’s voice was naturally a little too high pitched to be intimidating so Eric only ever whispered in his twin brother’s ear. Unsurprisingly, Damian had at some point taken the time to teach Jon to change the pitch of his voice as it came out lower than even Damian’s voice.
Selina, completely unfazed, nodded sagely as she lowered herself into Bruce’s lap, looking absolutely regal as the two of them sat together on the chair.
For a while the bar was quiet. A little too quiet. Despite fully expecting a grand entrance, Bruce found himself constantly checking to see if any of his children had suddenly appeared out of thin air and were waiting for him to notice. Nevermind that the only one who could do that was sitting cross-legged on the pool table in a cow onesie.
And then there was a red splatter on the table.
Bruce’s first thought was they were under attack and someone was shot, before remembering Jason had ‘snuck’ his paintball gun out of the house this morning. Though Bruce had banned the red paint for this exact reason.
Everyone turned towards the door to find Jason and Duke standing back to back, wielding dual paintball guns.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” Jason said, mimicking Vito Corleone a little too well. Bruce bet that Jason had made Duke watch The Godfather that morning. Every time Jason watched a mobster flick he immediately became ten times more dramatic. “You remember my dear brother, Zack?”
“I do,” Selina said threateningly, leaning forward from her spot on Bruce’s lap.
“Hi Ma,” Jason said, kissing Selina on the cheek, because of course she’s the parent he not-so-secretly prefers. “Zack and I were hoping we could join the party.”
Clark stepped forward and Duke just pointed the paintball gun at his chest. “Sup, Bones.”
“They’re fine,” Bruce said. “I promise the boys aren’t going to do anything, Naomi.”
Selina narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure?”
“We already established that Minnie is the most likely to commit familicide,” Dick added helpfully.
“But is it familicide if you’re adopted?” Barbara asked.
Bruce groaned. He did not want to have to listen to this conversation again. Just last week everyone was debating this while they were out on patrol. Even Harley Quinn had joined the debate after overhearing Jason and Tim bickering over their positions on the topic.
“Minnie isn’t adopted, Ally,” Damian replied, tossing his cards on the table, signaling he had a bad hand.
“But I am!” Duke said.
“An unfortunate turn of events, I plan to rectify,” Selina said calmly, leaning back against Bruce.
“Come on, Ma! He’s fine,” Jason said. “His mom was crazy, not him! By that logic Minnie and I are both crazy ‘cause our mom was off her rocker!”
Nobody felt brave enough to point out that both Minnie and Archie were missing more than a few screws. Especially since a loud, feminine shriek was heard outside.
“Welp, it was nice knowing ya, Jackie,” James said, giving Tim a pat on the shoulder as if that would make his inevitable death feel less harsh.
“Am I the only one who still thinks they’re gonna end up in the bathroom again?” Gregory asked.
“As a father of one very unhinged young woman, I’m inclined to disagree,” James replied.
“JACKIE!”
The door actually flew off its hinges as Steph kicked it in, looking like pissed off bubble gum as she dragged Bernard through the door.
“Minnie! Caleb! What a wonderful surprise!” Tim said sweetly, holding his hands up as if placating a rabid dog. “I haven’t seen you in ages!”
“Ages huh?” Steph growled, stalking closer as she continued to drag Bernard by the collar of his shirt. “Just last week you and Caleb went on a date without me! Cause you forgot about me!”
“To be fair,” Bernard muttered softly, “I forgot too.”
Steph spun around, her face softening. “You have never done anything wrong, ever. Got that?”
Bernard nodded.
“Good.” She patted his head and whipped around. “YOU!”
“Me?” Tim asked meekly.
“Do you think that you could just ditch me? Me? I can’t believe that you would think–”
“You dirty little cheat!”
Everyone stopped in their tracks.
Jason was standing over Dick who wore a very fake innocent smile.
“Who, me?”
The poker table collapsed as Archie tackled Robbie to the floor, Zack just seconds behind him. Delilah grinned and joined the fight, just for funsies. Ally was laughing maniacally as she saw Minnie bring Jackie into the fight, swinging wildly. Caleb was cheering for both his boyfriend and his girlfriend, not sure which of the cousins he wanted to win. L’il Matches and Eric watched with matching disappointed faces, solemnly shaking their heads as they both pulled out grape lollipops to stick in their mouths. Bones looked absolutely lost as he looked towards Naomi and Matches for guidance on whether he should even try to break up the fight. The couple just looked at each other, shrugged, and attempted to continue chatting with the mobsters at the table who all just looked exhausted at this point.
Just as Minnie had pulled out a match to light Jackie’s clothes on fire with, a phone rang.
Every Malone stopped dead in their tracks.
Matches pulled his phone out his pocket and put it on speaker.
“Hey Pop,” he said gruffly.
A murmur of Gramps, Grandpa, and oh shit, could be heard from all the kids.
“Do you know how late it is, young man?”
“It’s twelve thirty.”
“On a school night!” Grandpa Malone scolded. “I know you at least have Eric and Junior with you. They both need to be in bed. I want all of you home, this instant!”
“Of course, Pop,” Matches replied. The dial tone could be heard, signaling that Grandpa Malone had hung up.
Quicker than anyone could have imagined, all twelve Malones and their bodyguard had vanished from the bar, incidentally starting the rumor that they were all secretary metas.
Less than five minutes later, all of the Bats could be spotted moving across town towards Arkham Asylum where the rogues had broken out, two weeks earlier than usual.
Reports had also claimed that Spoiler had defeated Firefly by having an enlightening conversation on the benefits to lighting Red Robin on fire.