Chapter Text
Chan is sitting in his room in front of the mirror. He can barely keep his eyes open as they are swollen. He had just spent the last 2 hours crying. It’s rare that he can actually let out his frustration and emotions like this. He only allows himself to cry when all the the members are away from the dorms.
Although he’s still terribly anxious, he doesn’t feel overwhelmed anymore. He’s been working on a track recently for 3racha but it clearly wasn’t going well. It all just sounded the same now. He had zero new inspiration.
JYP is always on him about being basic and not standing out. He’s worked so hard to be creative to prove him wrong but right now he’s just proving him 100% correct.
He had been at the company all day working on it and when he came home and saw he was the first one back, he made crying his first priority. Now that that’s done with though he hops in the shower. The shower is always a great place for thoughts.
As he strips his clothes and he runs the water, he looks at his naked figure in the mirror. He has been working out. But he also hasn’t been eating properly. He hasn’t gained much weight but his muscles are no longer defined. ‘Hm, me and Changbin look the same now’ he chuckles to himself. Not that Changbins body isn’t great, but they always joked that Changbin didn’t have abs often. He runs his hands over his body slowly. Starting at his pecs, down his sides, back to the front caressing his stomach, and then he stops before his crotch. It’s been over a month since he last jacked off.. maybe that will help with his stress.
He hops in the perfectly hot shower and starts again. From his stomach, his hand runs down right to his dick. He touches it lightly at first. Then firmly grips it and starts stroking it. He usually has something to think about during this stuff but for some reason he’s drawing a blank. As a result he’s not even getting hard. ‘Shit’ is he getting old or something? What the fuck? He closes his eyes as hard as he can and starts vigorously tugging at his flaccid member but still nothing. He bangs his fist against the shower wall out of frustration.
‘Great, just great, first the stupid track and now my stupid dick’
He finishes washing up and goes to his room to get dressed. As he’s sitting on his bed he can’t help but think. What if he’s failing because he just wasn’t meant to be doing this. Maybe that’s the reason why he was a trainee for so long. His debut with the members was a fluke. The only reason he debuted was because he gathered the guys in the first place. JYP let him debut out of pity and obligation, not because he’s actually talented.
As if to stop him from spiraling even further, Changbin walks in. He and Minho must’ve just gotten back from the gym.
“Hey hyung. Did you just take a shower because Minho hyung is ranting about the soap not being put away and water on the floor.”
“Oh uh yeah sorry. I’ll clean it.” Right as he was about to get up Changbin raised his hand and Chan got the message. Minho already cleaned it during his rant.
Changbin gets settled at their desk before asking.
“So uh… are u ok?” He asks hesitantly
“Yeah why wouldn’t I be.” Feigning the happiest smile he could muster.
“I mean I’m no Chan whisper but you haven’t even been coming to the gym with me and Minho hyung. And also-“ he gestures to all of the scribbled out paper on the desk “If you wanna talk I’m totally here man. Hell, even if u don’t want to talk we can always…you know…relieve some other stress..” he averts his eyes on the last part.
Chan eyes go a little bit wide. It’s true they have helped each other receive sexual pleasure, but Changbin has never been one to just boldly state it like that — even if it was somewhat in a shy manner.
“No it’s ok Binnie, I’m fine. Just been trynna work on the new track and it’s a little hard. That’s all. I’ll be completely fine and back to normal as soon as it’s done.”
“Y-ya-know.” Changbin hesitates again “You usually ask me or Jisungie for help when you’re stuck, why haven’t you yet?” Voice barely above a whisper.
“Well I just wanna do this one on my own.”
‘I have to prove that I actually have talent and deserve to be in stray kidz’
“Well can I help a little?” He asks with a little more confidence.
“No, I just said I wanna do it on my own.”
“But you don’t have to, it’s stressing you out. Let me help you!” Changbin nearly yells that part.
“What did I just say Binnie?” Chan asks calmly, closing his eyes — trying so hard not to get angry. He did not need to be having this conversation right now. Hell, he's still upset he can’t even get it up. He doesn’t need anyone else questioning him, he’s doing enough of that himself.
“I heard you loud in clear hyung but-“
“No!” Chan now springs up from his spot on his bed, causing Changbin to do the same
“You know no one likes you when you’re like this you know! Leaders aren’t supposed to act like this!” It’s officially a screaming battle
“Oh yeah? Well supportive members aren’t supposed to be like YOU! You wouldn’t be here right now if I wasn’t your leader!”
“Says YOU! The trainee for 7 YEARS! As if I was waiting with baited breath to debut with you! The performances that helped us debut were because of me and Jisung and you know it! If you let us help then the track would be 10 times better than anything you could do on your own!” Changbin takes a step closer with every sentence and ends up right in Chans face.
“HAH! Yeah right dude, the only thing that you do better than me is raising everyone else’s confidence! The fucking person who the stylists struggle to dress! You wanna help me so bad but you should be worrying about helping yourself. You’d have more fans if you lost weight and even got plastic surgery.”
He says the last part with such ease that Changbins rage quickly dies down a little. Of course Chan didn’t mean it, but Changbin didn’t know that. Chan had never actually really thought there was a problem with Changbins appearance — he just wanted to hurt his feelings because his own pride was hurt.
It’s quiet while they are both breathing heavily and staring at one another. Changbin breaks the silence first.
“I hate you.” He says
“That’s too bad. Your already stuck with me.”
“I wish you never talked to me when we were trainees.”
The conversation is scarily calm at this point.
“That’s too bad because I already did.”
“Just let me help.”
“I said no, didn’t I?”
“I don’t care what you said. Let me help.”
“No.”
“Let me help!” Tears are starting to form in Changbins eyes.
“Changbin.”
“LET ME HELP YOU, PRICK!” The tears break free as he yells.
Chan doesn’t even respond this time. He grabs Changbins arm and harshly shoves him against the wall. A painful grip on his right forearm. He steps as close as he can without their bodies touching, leaning right into Changbins ear-
“Yell at me one more time.” Calmly
Changbin pushes him off with a huff — knocking Chan to the floor — and storms out of the room, slamming the door. All with tears still running down his face
Chan lets himself fall completely down into his back. ‘Shit’ he obviously didn’t mean literally a single word that he said but it’s too late. He already hears a second door slamming and he knows it’s the front door. He just wanted to come home and chill, man. He didn’t want to have the worst fight of his life. ‘Great, now I’m crying.’ He couldn’t hold it anymore. A loud sob escapes his mouth before he can cover it up.
He quickly crawls over to his bed to grab a pillow and cover his face. He thinks Minho is still home, and he’s correct. He can’t let anyone hear him crying. He has to be the strong leader. He would rather be seen as an asshole than weak. Why couldn’t Changbin just let him prove himself in peace.
‘ He’s right, leaders should be like this, I shouldn't be a leader. Should I quit when it’s time to renew contracts…’
First the song, then his dick, and now Changbin. Maybe this is just his breaking point.
Maybe this is the end of the line for him with stray kidz.
He tried to take deep breaths to calm his crying but the tears won’t stop. He shoves his face further into the pillow that’s now lying on his bed. He stays there, waiting out the crying. He can’t even think about how he’s gonna apologize to Changbin after calling him fat and ugly. He obviously didn’t MEAN it! He thinks Changbins one of the most beautiful people in the world — in mind, body, and soul. So why the fuck couldn’t he just accept the help.
Before he knows it, a couple more hours have gone by and he hears the door again, followed by voices. The rest have gotten back. He can make out every single voice. As if a button was pressed, the tears stopped.
He doesn’t go out to greet anyone though, he doesn’t have the energy for that. Instead he looks at the clock and decided to have some sleep for dinner tonight. Getting into bed earlier than he has in years — a whopping 12:36am.