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LUTHOR ASSUALTS GAY WAITER
By Lois Lane
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS LuthorCorp CEO, Lex Luthor, allegedly punched an unnamed male waiter, dislocating the man’s jaw. Luthor assaulted the waiter, who wore a rainbow pin and a “kiss me, I’m gay” button, Sunday after the man good-naturedly teased Luthor’s companion during brunch. According to witnesses, Luthor reacted violently when the waiter winked and nudged his male companion, after suggesting that Luthor must be good in bed since he, “obviously wasn’t being a good sugar daddy” if he let him go out in public in those clothes. Witnesses also claim to have heard Luthor yell, “faggot” at the man as part of a string of expletives. The waiter was dismissed by the proprietor of the restaurant, citing the inappropriate behavior of the employee, rather than the importance of Luthor’s business. No charges were filed, though Luthor has agreed to pay for medical treatment. This is not the first time police have refused to investigate claims of hate related violence against the CEO of the single largest employer in Kansas.
“Lois! I can’t believe you wrote that! I told you that in confidence, not for you to smear Lex with!”
“Can it, Smallville, I didn’t name you.”
“Lois, I’m your partner, do you really think Lex is so stupid that he can’t put you together with his unnamed male companion? This is a disaster. I told you that because it was funny and you go and turn it into something sinister. Lex is not a homophobe!”
“Whatever. He dislocated the guy’s jaw. That’s assault in my book.”
“And you just made up the part about him calling the guy,” Clark looked around and lowered his voice dramatically, “faggot.”
“You think you were the only other person in the restaurant that day? You aren’t my only source, Kent. Do you really think Perry would let me print something like that without the fact checkers crawling all over it?”
“Lex would never say something like that!”
“You just keep telling yourself that.”
LUTHORCORP DONATES $100 MILLION TO AIDS RESEARCH
By Peter Christopherson
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor announced today that the Lillian Foundation, the LuthorCorp philanthropic foundation, will donate $100 million to advance research towards an AIDS vaccine. Several private labs are still competing for the $3 billion incentive grant offered by the Lillian Foundation for completing the vaccine in the next five years, though it is not clear who is the front runner. Lillian Foundation has long been one of Metropolis’ most generous donor in medical research, spousal abuse prevention, and the Metropolis Children’s Hospital. This year distribution of grants includes the Kansas Marriage Initiative, a controversial political action group dedicated to the repeal of the Kansas Marriage Act prohibiting same sex couples from marrying. Some critics claim that this is simply a PR move on Luthor’s part to stall the downward trend of LuthorCorp stock since news of his alleged assault on a gay man last week.
“I can’t believe I got a commendation from that blowhard the Reverend Tommy Hill for sending a guy to the hospital. This is unreal.”
“Come on, that guy wasn’t really hurt. He was just milking it.”
“I dislocated his jaw, Clark. And now half of Metropolis thinks I’m a complete homophobe, or worse, a gay basher.”
“I tried to tell Lois that you didn’t hit the guy because he was gay, but she never listens to me.”
“It’s not your fault. Just be careful what colorful anecdotes about me you decide to share with her from now on, okay?”
“I may have mentioned a few jokes that you told about Bruce Wayne and his ward.”
“With a friend like you, I don’t need an enemy. It’s just like old times, when Dad would smear me in the papers and then hug me for a publicity shot. Good times. Maybe next week we could call Lucas in to try and take over my life again. That was entertaining.”
EX-EMPLOYEES SUE LUTHORCORP
By Lois Lane
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS A class action lawsuit filed against LuthorCorp today alleges the wrongful termination of 12 men and women in the past two years. All 12 employees had good records until, they say, they were targeted for termination because they enrolled their same sex partners in the company’s domestic partner benefits programs. Within 18 months of open enrollment, dossiers documenting every minor infraction from signing in two minutes late to customer complaints and sick days that the plaintiffs say were common to the vast majority of employees which the company routinely overlooked were used as grounds for termination.
One particular story stands out in the group, Charles Wentworth who was let go in January for “attendance issues” claims that the company fired him for taking time off to care for his lover, Peter Allen who died of AIDS in a hospice the following October while Charles was out looking for another job to pay their rising medical expenses after the COBRA benefits were exhausted. “Peter died alone in a dark place because of LuthorCorp. If it had been my wife lying in a hospital bed management wouldn’t have batted an eyelash, but because I’m gay they used it as a reason to fire me instead.” Had Charles and Peter been a married couple, Charles would have been protected under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and given up to two years of unpaid leave without fear of losing his job, two years Charles would have had with Peter without the dark cloud of unemployment and their waning savings.
Anita Cohen, head of LuthorCorp’s legal department, made a statement today claiming that these 12 employees, out of the 3.7 million LuthorCorp employs in a three state area, are not representative of LuthorCorp corporate policy, and extended her condolences to Mr. Wentworth. The company will settle out of court for more than $3.8 million in lost wages and benefits. Attorneys for the plaintiffs urge any other former LuthorCorp employees who feel they have been wrongfully terminated to contact their office to receive compensation under the class action suit.
“This is a nightmare!” Lex brushed his hand across the sweat damp skin of his scalp. “I offer domestic partner benefits and the conservatives send me hundreds of letters threatening to boycott me, but do I cave? No. I support marriage rights for everyone. Publicly! I donate millions to AIDS research every year. And now the gay rights activists are shunning me because one guy who couldn’t be bothered to say why he wasn’t coming to work got fired and wasn’t with his husband when he died!”
“Mr. Luthor, the positive PR generated by your philanthropy was completely lost when you agreed to settle out of court so fast. People see it as an admission of guilt.”
“I didn’t want to fight with them, Anita. I don’t want my employees to be so distracted by fear of being fired that they can’t do their jobs. It’s bad for productivity.”
“Just don’t do anything else that will end up in the papers before the Lillian Foundation Gala, okay.”
“What happened to ‘All publicity is good publicity, Lex’?”
LUTHOR CUSTODY BATTLE
By Gabrielle Sandoval
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS Billionaire Lex Luthor, a known philanderer was named by his former secretary, Madeline Cartwright, in a civil suit for ten million in child support and today in a surprising turn of events Luthor filed counter suit for custody of the child. Cartwright was dismissed from her position as Executive Secretary to the President of the Board and CEO of LuthorCorp, Alexander J. Luthor, seven months before she gave birth to a bouncing baby girl, Calena Cartwright Luthor, and named her former employer as the father on the birth certificate. The suit alleges that Luthor terminated her when she confronted him about her pregnancy. “He told me he loved me. He told me he would take care of me. And now, when I need him, he won’t even return my calls. How am I supposed to take care of our baby? No one will hire me now.” Cartwright went on to say that she suspects Luthor of black listing her with the other major companies in the Midwest.
According to Cartwright, her affair with Luthor began shortly after she caught his attention working as secretary to Lucas Dunleavy, a LuthorCorp VP and brother of Lex Luthor, and that she was promoted to her position as his Executive Secretary so they could “spend more time together.” Telephone records from Cartwright’s home and cell in the months prior to her termination show calls to and from the Luthor residence after hours lasting anywhere from between three minutes to three hours for or five times a week, abruptly ending the week she was fired, the week she told Luthor she was having his baby. Medical records indicate Cartwright suffered from depression during her pregnancy which she attributed to her condition, losing her job, and the loss of her dignity in the seven month affair with Luthor. Cartier of Metropolis shows she accepted delivery of a set of two carat diamond studs charged to Luthor’s personal account the week she was fired. “He left me with nothing but a pair of earrings and a bun in the oven.”
Legal experts expected Luthor to demand paternity testing as he has in the past when two other women claimed to be carrying the Luthor heir, both cases in which the test disproved Luthor as the father. Attorneys for Mr. Luthor cite Cartwright’s history of depression and mental illness, inability to support the child, and the erratic behavior for which she was fired from her position at LuthorCorp as clear evidence of her unfitness as a primary caretaker in the papers filed with the Metropolitan Superior Court. Mr. Luthor declined comment beyond expressing his “sincere desire to be a good father.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”
“Tell you what, Clark?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe that you have an illegitimate child by your fucking secretary!”
“I don’t.”
“Exactly how stupid do you think I am, Lex? I mean, aside from the fact that it is all over the front page of the Daily Planet, a paper I work for, you didn’t even demand a paternity test. All the other times women looking for a payoff have claimed they were having your baby, and there have been, what seven now, the first thing you did was order a paternity test.”
“I didn’t order a paternity test because I want to keep Lena and a paternity test would have shown she isn’t my daughter.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Why would you do something like that, and why should I believe you?”
“Believe what you like, Clark. I’m sterile. The meteor shower took away more than just my ability to grow hair. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a child of my own and it’s never going to happen.”
“And why does that make it a good idea to steal this woman’s baby?”
“Because she’s mentally unstable and the father can be counted on never to be of any help to her.”
“So you paid off the father to keep him quiet?”
“It always astounds me what a low opinion you have of me after all these years. No, I didn’t pay off the father. Lucas is the father. I think you can see where it would be a safe bet he’ll never do right by her.”
“Fuck, Lucas? Really?”
“He must have ten bastards scattered around the country and I doubt very much that he’s even seen one of them. I arranged for all the ones I’ve found to be cared for either by their mothers or adopted by good people like your parents. But I want Lena. She has red hair and blue eyes and she looks so much like my mother, Clark. She’s so beautiful. I couldn’t leave her with that woman. She’s worse than Lucas’s mother.”
“Lex… I…”
“Do you want to see her?”
“You have a picture?”
“No, she’s in the nursery. Madeline settled with my lawyers today. All she wanted was money and I’ve got plenty of that even with LuthorCorp stock crashing like it’s 1929.”
“You have a nursery?”
LUTHORCORP STOCK AT ALL-TIME LOW
Metropolis, KS Trading closed today with LuthorCorp (LuC) stock down three points, hitting an all-time of just $12.67 after Fortune Magazine named LuthorCorp in the top ten of worst companies for gays, women and minorities. The list took into account reports of wrongful termination, sexual misconduct in upper management and CEO Lex Luthor’s recent streak of bad publicity for bigotry and misogyny. This news comes at the worst time for LuthorCorp and its nonprofit arm the Lillian Foundation whose major funding comes from a block of LuthorCorp stock bequeathed to a young Lex Luthor at his mother Lillian’s death. Tomorrow night is the Lillian Foundation annual fundraising gala banquet and ball, and the $1000 a plate dinner is expected to bring in only half their annual operating costs. A spokesperson for the foundation speculated that if the current stock trends continue, several scholarships and outreach programs may have to be cut this year.
CEO and President of the Board Lex Luthor still maintains a majority voting block of LuthorCorp stock, the reason the shareholders were unsuccessful in their bid to unseat him and bring in a new CEO at last week’s annual shareholders meeting. Luthor promised at that meeting to step down as CEO and appoint an interim president if he fails to bring LuC stock above $39 a share in the next fiscal year. Employees were urged by the two main unions to diversify their retirement portfolios earlier this year, something that saved the pension plans of more than a few longtime employees.
“Clark Kent, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sitting in a cramped little VW wearing a rumpled suit with a stain on your tie eating donuts and staking out some poor white collar criminal with Lois while she chain smokes?”
“I do own a tux, you know, Cat. And I have at least one tie without a stain on it.”
“You know what I mean, Clark. Since when do you make enough to attend $1000 a plate dinners with the cream of Metropolis society? They certainly don’t pay me enough to afford to come to these things for fun.”
“I forgot you just moved here. Actually, I probably make less than you do. Lex likes to drag me out to these things every few months.”
“Lex? You can’t mean… you know Lex Luthor?”
“Since I was 15.”
“I thought you grew up on a farm in Podunk?”
“Smallville. You might say Lex was my first kiss. He drove off Loeb Bridge into a river his first day there. I pulled him out and gave him CPR.”
“You saved his life and he can’t throw a lousy interview your way? All the press he’s been getting lately and not a single article with your name on it.”
“Perry won’t let me write about Lex or LuthorCorp. Conflict of interests because of our relationship.”
“You know, Clark, we really need to spend more time together, get to know one another better.”
“You just want me to dish out all of Lex’s secrets. All you society columnists are the same. You sound just like Lois, actually, so maybe it’s not just you society gossips.”
“Is that how she always knows about Luthor’s dirty laundry? You bad boy.”
“It’s not all my fault! You don’t know what she’s like. She takes every little story and puts a dirty spin on it.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like the other day when I came in late because I slept through the alarm. I told her that the baby woke up in the middle of the night and Magda, that’s the nanny, had the night off and went home at five, so Lex and I had to get up to take care of Lena. That girl has a set of lungs on her. I mean, I could hear her all the way at the other end of the penthouse even without the baby monitor. By the time we got in there she was red all over, she was crying so hard. Her face was just as red as her hair, and her hair is redder than my mom’s. My mom just loves Lena. Says she’s probably the closest she’ll ever get to grandchildren of her own, and she looks so much like my mom they really do look related. Wait, I have a picture of them in my wallet, let me show you.”
“Oh, Clark. They’re adorable.”
“I know. Look, and here’s one from my 21st birthday, you can see how red her hair was back then.”
“Is that Lex standing behind you? You both look just the same.”
“Yeah, he was always around helping my mom with things after my dad died. I don’t know what we would have done without him. He paid off the mortgage on our farm when I was in high school, so Mom didn’t have to worry about that, but there was no way she could take care of it with Dad gone. Lex hired a few hands before my dad died, actually, after his second heart attack, but my dad was so damn stubborn, and he never did approve of Lex. He died splitting logs for fire wood even though they had plenty and I told him that I’d do it when I came down from school on the weekend.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. But I can see why a small town farmer might be worried about his son carrying on with someone like Luthor.”
“My dad hated his dad, and never really gave Lex a chance. He never could see the good in Lex the way I did. Lex worked harder to please my dad than his own, if you can believe that, not that ever did any good with either one of them.”
“Sounds like you love him very much.”
“Of course I do, he’s my best friend.”
“It’s nice when things work out that way.”
“See, that’s what people just don’t understand. He’s so good at being the cutthroat businessman his father always taught him to be that people miss the kind, wonderful side of him. Of course, most people don’t get to see him dancing around barefoot in his pajamas with a baby in his arms singing the hits of the nineties, either.”
“Is that what Lois was teasing you about?”
“Yes. And it’s not like it’s Lex’s fault that Lena likes the Divinyls, I mean, the girl will only go back to sleep when he sings that horrible I Touch Myself song. He’s tried everything, and believe me, that’s an event you should be glad you missed. Between Lena’s crying and Lex’s attempts at singing it was enough to make a man wish he was deaf.”
“I take it karaoke is not one of your favorite activities.”
“No, and do not mention it to Lex or he’ll kill me. He’ll cut me up into a thousand little pieces and bury my bones in the desert. Especially after that whole waiter fiasco. I told Lois about it and the next day it was front page news.”
“You were the unnamed male companion?”
“Of course I was, how else do you think Lois knew about what went on in a pizza place two blocks off campus? I thought it was funny, but then she just blew everything all out of proportion. It’s not like he hit the guy because he was gay. He’s not a homophobe.”
“Clearly.”
“I mean, yes the guy happened to be gay, and yes, Lex did dislocate his jaw, but that was just an accident. Lex didn’t mean to hit him that hard.”
“Of course not.”
“The guy just kept hitting on me, and saying how even he could keep me better dressed than I was, and it was funny at first, but he wouldn’t let up and Lex warned him to cut it out but they guy just wouldn’t listen and then he sat on my lap and Lex just socked him from across the table.”
“He was just protecting your honor.”
“Exactly! And then Lois goes and turns it into a hate crime. Now half the country thinks he’s some kind of bigot, never mind all the charities he donates to every year or the work he’s done lobbying for the Kansas Marriage Initiative or the research into AIDS vaccines he’s funded or the fact that anyone who met him would know that he just isn’t like that. I asked him if he wanted me to come forward and tell people what really happened, but he didn’t want to turn my life into a media circus just to bail him out of a little hot water.”
“So would you like to get married someday?”
“Oh, sure, my mom is always saying she wanted to dance at my wedding before she got old and wrinkled. I tried to tell her that I wasn’t really a ladies’ man back when I was in college, but she keeps on hoping that maybe Lois will club me over the head and drag me home, or maybe some other nice girl will be able to put up with me. I told her not to hold her breath, and just enjoy Lex’s weddings, since I probably wouldn’t be having one any time soon. She was at all of Lex’s weddings, you know.”
“Really? Why?”
“Oh, she’s always loved Lex. It’s the lost little boy in him. I think she’s wanted to adopt him since the first time she met him. I was the best man at all his weddings, too, so she kind of had to be there.”
“Wow.”
“I know. Five times. I just broke down and bought a tux after the third one, but after the last one I told him that he’d have to find another best man if he wanted to go for six.”
“How did you feel about it when he told you about his daughter?”
“I was angry at first. He could have told me, but he just let me read it in the paper. That really hurt. I know where all the bodies are buried, and if he can’t tell me he screwed up after all these years… well you know what I mean. But he wanted to be a father so bad and when you see the two of them together you just can’t stay mad at him. It’s like this part of him that he’s been missing all these years is whole again. He’s always wanted a family, and even my mom and I aren’t enough for him to really love they way he loves Lena. And besides, she’s just so cute you want to eat her up.”
LUTHOR LOVER TELLS ALL
By Cat Grant
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS Clark Jerome Kent, staff writer for the Daily Planet, disclosed yesterday that he and Lex Luthor, CEO of LuthorCorp, have been in a relationship since Kent was 15, a relationship spanning nearly two decades and five Luthor brides. Kent wanted to come forward when Luthor was being attacked as a bigot, but his lover held him back, not wanting to turn his life into a media circus. The punch Luthor delivered to the unnamed waiter had nothing to do with a hate crime, and everything to do with a jealous lover. When asked how he felt about the new addition to the Luthor household, six month old Lena Luthor, Kent had this to say:
“I was angry at first. He could have told me, but he just let me read it in the paper. That really hurt. But he wanted to be a father so bad and when you see the two of them together you just can’t stay mad at him. It’s like this part of him that he’s been missing all these years is whole again. He’s always wanted a family, and even my mom and I aren’t enough for him to really love they way he loves Lena.” Kent went on to paint a picture of domestic bliss, including late night serenades and putting the baby back to sleep. He carries in his wallet a picture of his mother, a picture of Lex, and a picture of Lena. Kent also mentioned Luthor’s work with the Kansas Marriage Initiative, a gay rights advocacy group dedicated to securing marriage rights for all the citizens of Kansas, and says that he told Luthor that he’d only come to wedding number six if he was the groom instead of the best man.
Continued on 13A
“Clark, is there something you’d like to tell me?”
“Good morning?”
“Not quite what I’m looking for.”
“I’m an alien? You hit me with your car? Am I getting warmer?”
“Stop making jokes. My phone has been ringing off the hook all morning. There is a picture of you and me on the front page of the Daily Planet.”
“That’s great, Lex. I didn’t think the benefit would be front page news, but that’s wonderful.”
“The story is not about the benefit last night.”
“What do you mean?”
“Since when have we been lovers eagerly awaiting the chance to legally wed in the state of Kansas?”
“WHAT?!”
“According to today’s paper, you and I have been fucking like bunnies since you were 15.”
“WHAT?! I can’t believe they’d print that crap in my own news paper. We have fact checkers! And Perry would never let a story like that through without covering the paper’s ass. I can’t believe legal wasn’t all over this. Does it say who the source was? If this is a joke I’m going to wring Lois’s little neck. Perry would want a reliable source for something like this.”
“You were the source, Clark.”
“I was not! I had a little champagne at the benefit last night, but I am sure I would remember saying something so blatantly untrue.”
“So you didn’t tell Cat Grant that you wanted to get married and have babies?”
“What? No, yes, I mean, god no. I did say I wanted to get married and have babies of my own some day, but I didn't mean with you!”
“I’m not good enough for you now, after all these years we’ve been hiding our love from the public so that your life wouldn’t become a media circus? I may never recover from the heartache of losing my one true love and my best friend in one foul swoop.”
“Oh. My. God. I have to call my mother.”
“I estimate you have fifteen minutes before my door is broken down by my lawyers and the hoard of reporters downstairs slavering at the bit to take your photograph coming out of my apartment.”
“I’m never leaving your apartment again, Lex.”
“Does that mean you want to get married here? Because I doubt your mother would take kindly to you living in sin with me.”
“I hate you.”
“Liar, it says right here in black and white that you love me.”
“Mom?”
“Clark? What time is it? Are you okay, sweetie?”
“You obviously haven’t read the paper yet this morning.”
“No. Why? What’s going on? Why are there reporters on my lawn?”
“That’s actually what I called to talk to you about, Mom. There’s something in the paper that might upset you.”
“Did something happen? Is everyone alright? Did they find out about your extracurricular activities?”
“No! It’s not true. Lex and I never”
“What are you talking about, honey? I meant about Superman.”
“What? No. No, nothing like that.”
“Then why are there men with telephoto lenses standing in my begonias?”
“There is an article on the front page about me and Lex. It says that we’ve been together since I was a kid and that we want to get married and have babies.”
“You’re going to get married? That’s wonderful, Clark. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. I was beginning to think I’d be a little old lady before I got to see the day you two would come to your senses and just have a ceremony already. It doesn’t matter what those pompous asses in the legislature think about it.”
“Mom? Are you feeling alright?”
“I am now! You don’t think Lex would mind if I helped plan the wedding, do you? I’ve always wanted to, and I know he throws a lovely wedding on no notice at all, but I want this one to be special for you both.”
“I… no. No.”
“Wonderful! Well, I’ve got a wedding to plan, then. I love you, sweetie.”
“Lex, you have to get him out of there.”
“How exactly do you propose I do that, Anita, throw him out the window and hope he hits a dozen reporters on his way down? They’re staked out at every entrance. I can’t even get to my cars.”
“What is he doing there in the first place? He doesn’t live there does he? Tell me he doesn’t live there.”
“He doesn’t live here.”
“Thank god.”
“He just sleeps here three or four nights a week. He has his own apartment somewhere out on the South side of town. It’s awful. My building is less than a block away from the Planet, so whenever he has a late night he stays here. And don’t worry, he has his own room.”
“You say that like it’s supposed to comfort me that your live in lover for the past twenty years has his own room in your apartment where he sleeps half the time.”
“How many times do I have to tell you that Clark is not my lover, has never been my lover, and has no plans ever to become my lover?
“Lex, the less you insult my intelligence, the more likely I am to get you out of this mess. We’ve known about your relationship with Kent for years. It’s one of those things that’s hard to miss when you are being vetted by the party to run for Senate. The only reason we haven’t said anything is that you generally do a good job of covering everything up in a façade of friendship. But you have to know that things are different now. Now is not the time to flaunt your alternative lifestyle. You have had more PR trouble in the past year than all the politicians in Kansas put together.”
“More press, too. You were the one that told me that all press is good press when running for office.”
“That’s one of the reasons we’ve been grooming you for the past year and a half. You’ve got better name recognition than the governor. But you’ve got to come up with a way out of this one or your campaign will be dead in the water before it ever gets started.”
“Hey, Lex. How’s Lena doing this morning?”
“She’s fine. Magda’s feeding her now.”
“I’m so sorry about this, Lex. I really should know better than to talk to reporters, it’s just that she works three cubicles down from me and I’ve never thought of the people I work with as the enemy before. This is the kind of stunt I expect the Inquisitor to pull, not the Planet.”
“It’s not your fault, Clark. Even my lawyers don’t believe I’m not sleeping with you.”
“I know what you mean. I talked to my mom just now and she’s already planning the wedding.”
“Could be worse. Wait, I it take that back. She’s on TV. Turn it up.”
"...so happy my boys finally came to their senses and decided to get married. Clark is just a stubborn as his father was; I’m just glad Lex finally decided to stop waiting for people to approve of their relationship and asked my son to marry him because if it were up to Clark to ask I’d never get to dance at their wedding.”
“So now I asked you?”
“Shut up. No one asked you.”
“She looks so…”
“Happy. I know. This is a disaster. My mother is going to kill me. She’s going to get in her truck, drive down here and shovel three-tiered wedding cake with Kryptonite frosting and two little men on top down my throat.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. She loves me, remember?”
“Yeah, she’ll love you right up until she finds out you didn’t offer to make an honest man out of me.”
“I don’t know, as far as she knows we’ve been living in sin for years and she’s always given me extra pie at Thanksgiving.”
“I hate you.”
“Is that what you say to all the men who ask you to marry them? It’s no wonder you’re still single.”
“Has Lover Boy kept his hands to himself long enough for you to check the NASDAQ Index today?”
“We turned the news off after his mother announced our engagement on CNN. How bad is it?”
“Fifteen points.”
“Fuck, not only am I not going to be running for Senate, I’m not going to be CEO of my own company.”
“Up, Lex. The stock went up fifteen points since this morning.”
“How is that possible?”
“Well, you’ve been on every news station on the planet non-stop since five AM Central, and apparently true love makes people want to buy stock. Mrs. Kent’s sound bites were a godsend.”
“You have to be joking. This is Kansas, one of only three states still outlawing gay marriage in the whole damn country for crying out loud.”
“People want to see you two get married. If you time the wedding right, I’ll be calling you Mr. Senator in no time.”
“Anita, we aren’t getting married.”
“What? No, you have to get married. Kent’s mother said so on national TV.”
“I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell you this, but this whole thing is just a big misunderstanding. That reporter took everything out of context like they always do.”
“First thing I did when I got off the phone with you this morning was march down to the Daily Planet and demand to see the evidence Perry White found so compelling he decided to print without contacting our legal department. Grant recorded everything with a camera in her necklace. I saw the whole thing, and none of it looked like it was taken out of context, Lex. He’s in love with you.”
“No, he’s not. He’s my friend. My best friend. My very straight best friend.”
“I notice that you aren’t telling me you aren’t in love with him.”
“That’s immaterial. I haven’t been in love with the last three people I’ve married. I’d marry his mother if it would get me what I wanted.”
“You know what, Lex, I don’t care what you have to do, I don’t care if you have to drug him and drag him to the church trussed up like a pig, you get him to marry you. You need this. Gifts like this don’t come along every day, and you can’t afford to pass this up.”
“Fine! I’ll just go ruin the longest relationship of my entire life. You can be my bridesmaid.”
“No, no way, Lex.”
“This is whole situation your fault. The least you can do to make it up to me is marry me.”
“I am not getting married because of some stupid misunderstanding!”
“Think of how happy your mother looked on TV.”
“I don’t care, Lex. I am not locking myself into a life of celibacy just to make my mother happy.”
“Who said anything about celibacy?”
“I can’t get laid as it is. Every woman on the whole planet is going to see me getting married to a man and suddenly want to throw her panties at me? I don’t think so.”
“Women love gay men.”
“I AM NOT GAY!”
“I know that, Clark. But when was the last time you had sex, anyway, college?”
“I’ve had sex since college! I’m 34 years old!”
“It’s been at least four years, then. How much are you really going to miss it?”
“I am never telling you anything again.”
“It’s not like I’d expect you to go without.”
“Unlike some people, I take marriage seriously, and that includes fidelity!”
“So you’d expect me never to have sex again?”
“It doesn’t matter, because I am not marrying you, Lex. When I get married, I’m going to get married for love, a concept you clearly know nothing about. I want someone to grow old with.”
“So do.”
“Do what?”
“Marry for love, someone you can grow old with.”
“I thought you wanted me to marry you?”
“I do. Marry *me* for love.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’ve loved you half my life. You are my best friend. Grow old with me. No one will ever know you the way I do. No one will ever love you the way I do. Marry me for love.”
“Lex…”
LUTHOR-KENT WEDDING
By Cat Grant
Daily Planet
Metropolis, KS Lex Luthor, candidate for the District 1 Kansas Senate seat, and his husband, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Clark Kent wed today in the first legal same sex marriage in the State of Kansas after a twelve month campaign to change the State Constitution to allow marriage rights for all Kansans. The guest list for the event reads like a Who’s Who list of the Metropolis elite, but the couple had eyes only for each other. Martha Kent gave away her son on behalf of herself and her deceased husband, Jonathon Kent, while daughter Lena Luthor and brother Lucas Dunleavy represented the Luthor family. Lois Lane, Daily Planet staff writer, State Representative Peter Ross, and Gotham Tribune writer Chloe Sullivan stood at Kent’s side. Brother and LuthorCorp VP Lucas Dunleavy, LuthorCorp Legal Head Anita Cohen, and longtime friend of the couple Lana Lang-Ross stood on Luthor’s side. The couple will spend the next month on honeymoon touring Europe before returning home to campaign for Senate this summer.