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Leo couldn't sleep.
It was a simple sentence for something that was so annoyingly common in his life. Maybe insomnia was an old friend at this point, a companion so big and heavy he might as well give the thing its own room in the lair. It didn't make it easier to bear, the familiarity. Sure, he was resigned. But it grated on him, the constant drag even if he was tired, even if he wanted to sleep, more often than not he couldn't. Just couldn't.
Sometimes it was senseless. No rhyme or reason. He'd be bone-deep exhausted and lie awake the entire night for no cause or factor he could determine -- it always felt like spite.
But most of the time, it was his own brain. It came up with so many different things, as if he had terrible thoughts waiting in his toes, just wanting him to go prone so they could swim to his brain. Leo swum in a lot of anxious thought spirals, worst case scenarios, and death.
A lot of death.
There was the haunted feeling of the inevitability of death. That no matter what he was doing in the moment, each second was bringing him closer to the end, and all the time that had passed could never be taken back. He would only be older and the time was gone and he was going to die and there was no explanation for the afterwards, there was no promises and there was, worst of all, no one he loved or cared about. The future was bleak because every single future ended the same way and there was nowhere to run or hide to escape it.
Leo was afraid of death. He wasn't shy to admit that, because he was pretty sure that was something anyone was allowed to be afraid of. But it was weird, because he'd become obsessed with death. He'd think about it all the time, like he was oversaturated with it and the thoughts filled him up, no longer lingering in his toes for the chance to swim to his brain -- no, he was up to his eyeballs in death and dying and no longer existing.
The current problem was that every single time Leo closed his eyes to sleep, he began latched onto this single thought he'd had once. Which was, what if the moment you fall asleep feels the same way it will when you die?
And so he would lie awake all night, essentially waking himself every single moment he got close to sleep, trying to catch the moment he fell into unconsciousness. Half the time it was purely a habit of obsession to try and catch it, to try and feel what it felt like to die. The other half of the time it was panic and fear, what if I'm not actually falling asleep? What if I'm actually dying?
Which was the long way of saying, Leo couldn't sleep. He'd laid awake the entire night, hiccupping awake every few minutes and hating himself for it. Wrapped in his perfect collection of blankets, two over himself and two over his feet, a million pillows, an eye mask but a nightlight, a fan running full speed in the corner -- the incredibly specific situation that usually could get him to sleep, all else being equal.
It was comfy, and Leo's body was begging for proper rest, and he couldn't get his leaden limbs to move. Down the hall, he could hear that his brothers were awake. Even Donnie. What time was it? He couldn't get himself to move, but he was starving, and if he was made to get up he might cry.
His phone was plugged in and too far to reach. Leo was smushed against the wall, everything sore and tired, and he just wanted some toast. He was pretty sure he might fall asleep now, if only the grinding hunger in his stomach would go away. But he couldn't move. He wished that he could just telepathically oh wait oh shit Leo's a genius.
The ninja mind meld. He could totally get someone to bring him toast. He was the smartest motherfucker in the world. It had been ages since they used it, but Leo still remembered what it felt like, it was like putting on an old familiar coat. It took a bit more energy than he wanted to push his mental barriers from his own thoughts to another, but it wasn't just anyone's, it was his brothers.
He aimed for Donnie, for a few reasons. The first being that Donnie was the most likely to comply with his request with the least amount of questions. The second was that Donnie's mind was on the same wavelength as his, the real power of twins or maybe just because they shared a room for years. Either way, tipping his mind onto Donnie's, with a flash of white eyes, and he thought, 'Donnie bring me toast.'
A long pause. Leo felt an impression of confusion, then comprehension. Donnie sent back, 'Did you seriously just mind meld with me to request breakfast in bed?'
The problem Leo hadn't anticipated was that unlike verbal speech, he couldn't exactly stop himself from thinking what he really felt. With the mind meld open, the instantaneous reply was sent without further thought, 'I haven't managed to sleep and I can't now because I'm hungry but I'm very tired.'
Shit. Leo hadn't meant to be honest about that. He wanted to make a joke or something. He let the mind meld drop, embarrassed, and pressed himself closer to the wall miserably. He resigned himself hugging his stomach and ignoring the hunger pains. It wasn't a big deal, except that falling asleep was hard enough already without that obstacle.
He laid there a few minutes, trying to decide if he was going to give up, when the door opened and shut. Leo raised his eyemask, rolling over just enough to see the purple figure with toast on a plate, already with butter and jam.
"Oh my goodness you are the best twin on the whole planet." Leo gasped, not at all having expected Donnie to actually comply. He reached out and took the plate, sitting up enough that he could eat without choking but otherwise staying encased in his warm little cocoon.
"I know." Donnie replied, sitting on the edge of the bed to wait for the plate. He surveyed the room as Leo inhaled his toast, looking at the running fan and the faint blue nightlight in otherwise darkness. A little furrow came between his brows. "You didn't fall asleep at all?"
Leo waved a fake disinterested hand, finishing the first slice and moving immediately onto the second. That painful twist to his stomach was finally abating, and the heavy tiredness was right there.
Donnie didn't pry further, and took the plate when Leo was done.
"Thank you. I love you. Go away now." Leo said, and pulled the eye mask back down over his eyes.
"You're welcome. I love you too. I'm leaving." Donnie recited back, mattress springing as he got up, hesitating only a moment before actually leaving, shutting the door behind him.
Leo didn't catch the moment he fell asleep, but it did happen a bit later, at least for a few hours.
That was the first time. The second was Donnie's idea.
It was three in the morning. Leo had gotten up instead of staying in the prison of bed, where he laid to sleep and was never freed, and wandered to Donnie's lab to find his twin awake and working. So he silently took over his desk, since Donnie was assembling something on the floor, and read a medical textbook for a while instead.
Leo's mind pushed and his eyes went white. Donnie's voice in his head said, 'Can I test something?'
'No explosions.' Leo sent back, not because he was against explosions but because it was three in the morning. He hadn't even known if Donnie had noticed he'd shown up in the lab since he'd slipped in so quietly, but apparently he had.
'No explosions.' Donnie agreed. 'Last time when you used the mind meld I was interested in the possible utility. We weren't even in the same room.'
'I really wanted toast.' Leo thought, and ignored all the other emotions he'd felt at that time.
There was a pause. Leo realized he could feel Donnie's concern. That meant Donnie had felt whatever he'd felt. And he immediately cut off the mind meld, snapping the line between them with a frantic heartbeat.
"Sorry." Donnie said, out loud, from the place on the floor.
"Shut up." Leo replied, putting his head down on the textbook and not moving it.
The room filled with silence. Leo hated it. Donnie fidgeted with something in his hands. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. It was three AM. His twin was his safe space.
He didn't have to be afraid what Donnie would think or feel about him. There was no one else on the planet like his twin. Taking a bracing breath and gathering his courage, Leo opened the mind meld again, simply opening the door and leaving it there.
After a moment, Donnie's presence sunk back into his mind. He offered, 'Experiments?'
Leo gave a wry smile into his own elbow, still face down in his textbook. 'Sure. I've got nothing else to do.'
Donnie stimmed excitedly. They set up perimeters, using both spoken words and the mind meld, trying to determine the limitations of the meld. Since it was the middle of the night they couldn't test their biggest question, which was proximity, but they did run through a series of other hypothesis.
Once the meld was open, all thoughts and feelings were shared. It could be open and closed at will, but both sides had to be willing for the meld to happen. If one was actively blocking, it wouldn't open. Not even to provide a one-sided conversation.
Donnie had them run through various trials, and when the morning came and neither of them noticed. The downside of the sewers sometimes was the lack of sunlight to signal changes in time. Leo wondered a lot if it led to a lot of his bad sleep hygiene and therefore terrible insomnia. Once Donnie did catch the time, the two of them retreated to bed to pretend they'd been asleep much longer than they had before Raph got up for his early morning routine and noticed them still babbling along in the lab.
Then there was some drama on the surface with Meat Sweats, and the mind meld was forgotten.
This time it was 3pm. A direct opposite to their usual time for chaos. But Leo was just as curious to the limitations as Donnie, and went to find his twin where he was having a stare down with the coffee maker.
"Dad replaced it with decaf." Leo told him.
"I know." Donnie replied, not looking up from the machine.
"Why are you staring at it then?"
"Because I'm hoping my willpower alone can make it caffeinated again."
Leo rolled his eyes and grabbed Donnie's arm. "I have a better idea, actually. Wanna test some more hypothesis?"
Donnie lit up, no caffeine needed. "Yes! Did you want to test continuous or spontaneous connection first?"
They'd come up with their further research questions the other day but didn't want to start wandering in the middle of the night. This included the proximity they could mind meld, and whether or not that was affected if the meld was established then pulled away, or something they could connect even at a distance.
"Continuous makes sense." Leo said. "Let's connect and see how far away we can get from each other before it breaks."
Their plan had been thinking they would go to the surface to stretch the bond as far as possible, but they didn't even get that far. The connection got weaker the moment they were no longer in eye-line, and broke completely only about a hundred meters from their home. While Leo could re-establish it at that point, it wasn't as strong and slipped easily until he got closer.
"I was kind of hoping for a wider range." Donnie said, disappointed.
"It makes sense if the ninja mind meld is just meant to make us able to fight together better. No need to have like, mental cell phones." Leo extrapolated.
Mikey called that dinner was ready and they left the experiment. It wasn't that they didn't want their brothers to know what they were doing, it was just...
Leo wasn't really sure. But Donnie wasn't volunteering the information to them either. So they both kept their mouth shut.
Over the next few weeks they tested as many variables as they could think of, usually in bursts of inspiration while hanging out in Donnie's lab.
Volume stayed consistent even if you tried to yell. All thoughts were transmitted but mental images didn't come across well. They could not use it to mind-control each other. They could only use it continuously for the maximum of almost an hour before their energy depleted enough to be noticed.
Leo was kind of disappointed by that one and he wasn't really sure why. Did he really think he wanted to have a constant stream of access to Donnie's thoughts? The hour he'd spent already proved to him that his brother was a nerd. And he hated to think what kind of feelings and thoughts he'd sent Donnie while not paying attention, since the sustained effort meant his capability of monitoring what he was thinking was quite reduced.
"Do you think we can be connected while we sleep?" Donnie proposed, the two of them currently greasy fingers deep in assembling an engine. Leo had wanted to help, mostly to get his mind off the fact that he was miserable with lack of sleep at the moment, so Donnie was using him like a second pair of hands, transmitting thoughts of what he wanted him to do every two seconds.
Which probably meant, with Donnie's fingers in his brain, he was aware how fucking tired Leo was and the fact that he hadn't slept properly in a long time. It was especially heavy to bear today, and he wanted to lie down in a stream.
"Don't abuse your access to my brain." Leo muttered, shutting the connection down. They'd gotten very good at the flip, like a light-switch. Open for thought sharing versus closed. Leo closed it firmly, afraid of what his twin would see if he slipped in during that moment. But then it left him with fingers in an engine and no idea what to do next without verbally asking.
Donnie sighed. "I'm not. It was a genuine hypothesis."
"Not at all rooted in my insomnia?" Leo said, dry humour, tipping his head to the side.
"Your insomnia was a stepping stone to a different thought. Would we be able to hold onto the meld while asleep? Would our dreams affect each other?" Donnie proposed, sounding genuinely scientific and not just like he was trying to bug Leo about his lack of sleep.
So Leo entertained the hypothesis for a minute, and said, "Counter-point, we've established that after an hour it takes too much energy to sustain. If we're not awake to break it, does it break on its own or keep running until we potentially hurt ourselves?"
Donnie frowned, because they both knew that Raph would not take 'it was in the name of science' if they injured themselves. Playing with mystic forces they didn't understand wasn't a good excuse, even if the point of the exercises was to try and understand the forces.
Damn it. Leo was spending too much time in Donnie's head, he was beginning to think like him.
"Besides," Leo said, neck hot, pulling his fingers out of the engine and cleaning them with a rag. "It wouldn't be a good test. I wouldn't fall asleep."
"Actually," Donnie raised an eyebrow. "That would be a perfect test. You can see what it's like if only person is asleep and collect data that way."
"Are you gonna fall asleep if we're connected and I'm yapping away in your brain?" Leo said, amused.
"I've done it many times before. We used to share a room."
"Hey."
"We'll do a small test. You can wake me after an hour. That way we don't risk going beyond our limits." Donnie was already in data collection mode. He didn't care about the insomnia anymore, he was using it to his advantage.
When Donnie got tired, they retreated to Donnie's room. Leo laid beside him, too small for personal space, their knees and shoulders touching. He reluctantly flicked the switch and let Donnie back into his brain.
Luckily, there wasn't a wash of worry or concern, which probably would've made him chicken out. Only scientific curiosity and a running hypothesis stream of what was going to happen while he was asleep.
Words were no longer necessary, and after a few weeks their mental conversations were second-hand and easy. They stayed in the completely silent room, laying side by side. And the problem was that they started to talk about the engine they'd been working on, and completely lost track of time. Even though Donnie was laying there with his eyes closed, his mind was active on his special interest and he did not fall asleep.
'You're distracting me!' Donnie complained, when the alarm went off that it had been an hour.
'You didn't tell me to shut up.' Leo whined back, because once they got talking about their interest there was no other way to stop. When they used to share a room Donnie had never been afraid to tell him to shut up when he genuinely wanted to sleep.
Donnie's thoughts came over, not projected just inherent, that it was because he was enjoying talking to Leo and didn't want to sleep. Grumpy about it, because he was ruining his own experiment.
'I don't think it's ruined.' Leo pointed out, feeling his limbs the real sleep-heavy tiredness and not the usual from over-using their powers.
'Oh!' Donnie effortlessly followed his thought process. 'It didn't use our energy? Why?'
'Not moving around?' Leo guessed.
'Maybe because we're touching.' Donnie knocked their shoulders together. 'Doesn't have to work to get over a distance. We've been connected while not moving before and it still drained.'
'Looks like another thing to test.' Leo replied, and he wasn't upset about it. Spending time with Donnie had been such a nice distraction.
'Do we still want to see what happens when I fall asleep?' Donnie asked.
Leo's mind got ahead of him, and he abruptly snapped it shut before Donnie could hear what he was about to think. He rolled away, directly off the bed and oofing on the floor.
Shit. He hadn't even considered that.
Donnie's silhouetted head leaned over the side of the bed and he wondered in a scratchy, unused voice, "Nardo?"
"I'm fine." Leo spoke without thinking too hard. "No. I think I'm done for tonight."
Donnie stared at him, concern obvious even without a meld or much light. But he shrugged, feigning indifference, and said, "Sure."
Leo didn't get off the floor. Donnie didn't make him, rolling over and curling back up in his blankets. Leo took his phone out and played games on it, trying to calm down his racing heart.
Right. They shared thoughts and feelings. If he was connected to Donnie while he fell asleep, then he would have an answer to the question that had been ruining his life. But he did not want to know what it felt like for Donnie to die.
That was terrible. He hated himself ardently. He wished he was just normal and this wasn't a fucking obstacle for him to overcome. But instead he had to think about how he was going to deny this when he'd been just as willing to do every other experiment.
When Donnie got up in the morning and tripped over Leo still laying on the floor, Donnie said, "You good, Leon?"
Leo had not gone to sleep. He'd won solitaire like fifty times. He said, "I don't wanna do the one where we're connected when you fall asleep. But maybe you could fall asleep while open and I could connect with you once you're already asleep instead."
"Okay." Donnie replied, with a little furrow. "You didn't have to stay on the floor for that."
"I didn't stay on the floor for that." Leo replied, because he hadn't. He just didn't want to get up, he wanted to stay and listen to his twin sleep if it wasn't going to happen for him like he knew it wouldn't.
Donnie kicked him. "Well, get up then. I can smell Mikey's making pancakes."
That was motivation to get up if he ever heard.
They established their parameters for the next night, Donnie agreeing to letting Leo meld with him while already asleep, and Donnie convinced him to stay on the bed instead of laying on the floor.
"I can share." Donnie said, dry. "If anything I spent more time with you crawling into my bunk as kids than without. I'm used to it."
That was true -- he'd always sought out Donnie during nightmares, and the insomnia started early and Leo used to hang out on Donnie's bunk just so he wouldn't be alone. Once they were teenagers and had their own rooms and their own space they obviously didn't anymore, but... Leo missed it. Like a little kid.
So he brought his favourite blanket and Donnie insisted he take his usual spot this time, squished in between Donnie and the wall. This meant he wouldn't roll off, since Leo tended to roll like a rotisserie chicken while sleeping in contrast to Donnie's stone stature, sleeping like the dead.
Mm. Bad thought. Leo was glad they weren't melded together. He'd managed to dodge this particular stream of consciousness in Donnie's presence, because he wasn't quite sure how he could explain being completely obsessed with the idea of death while not actually being suicidal.
Donnie fell asleep with his headphones on, listening to something synth and terrible, that had Leo's toe tapping despite himself. It was just loud enough that he could hear it through the headphones, not leaving the room completely silent. His twin was definitely asleep, his stone stature poised facing Leo, brow furrowed because he never really relaxed, not even while asleep.
Leo laid there for a while, not yet trying to meld, just easing into the feeling. He wasn't sure what he was going to experience to meld with someone asleep. He built up his nerve and touched Donnie's neck, just to make sure the connection would be strong, and opened the meld.
Donnie let him in, without pause. There were no words, just a hum and flashes of images that didn't become solid. The hum was loud but soothing. Leo would bet once Donnie woke up he would say that they were special sleeping brain waves. He stayed connected, because between the tinny synth music and the hum of his twin's sleeping brain, Leo felt very at peace in a way he hadn't experienced in a while.
So at peace, in fact, that he fell asleep without trying to catch the moment it happened. He hadn't been intending to, because they still hadn't established if it would be a good idea. Whether or not the drain on their energy would happen while they were asleep. Except Leo hadn't considered how nice it was to lay with his twin, not alone, bathed in the waves of his mind, while vulnerable and tired.
Leo slept like the dead. Heavy and restful. His dreams were about the same as they always were, nonsensical and without much purpose. He didn't remember his dreams unless they were nightmares. So he woke with little recollection, to Donnie's voice.
Donnie's voice in his head. '... it must be the physical connection that keeps the line without taking energy. We've definitely been asleep most of the night.'
'Too early for nerd.' Leo replied, his first coherent thought, not opening his eyes. He could feel his body, and that instead of rolling around everywhere he was still laying facing his twin, hand on his neck, pulse against his fingertips.
'It is ten AM.' Donnie reported. 'What time did you fall asleep?'
He'd only watched Donnie for about an hour after he fell asleep, then stayed awake himself for maybe another hour or two. 'Maybe like 3am?'
'I really do think we can sustain the meld without consequences with touch, that's the only thing that makes sense.' Donnie replied. 'What did you experience melded with me while I was asleep?'
'Brain waves?' Leo gave his best guess. 'Nothing coherent. Was I in your dreams?'
'No. Brain waves makes sense, the type of wave depends on the stage. I'd be curious to know if it becomes something different during REM.'
'I didn't notice any difference. Just a nice hum.' Leo felt the warmth again at the sensation of it.
'Interesting.' Donnie said. 'I'd be curious to see for myself. Maybe we can test again tonight, and I can be the one to test you while you fall asleep.'
That woke Leo up fast. He snapped the bond off before he could think anything incriminating. He sat up and pressed his back to the wall behind him, seeing the calculating expression on his twin's face.
"I'm not comfortable with that." Leo said, voice barely not cracking.
"Which part of it makes you uncomfortable?" Donnie asked.
Leo couldn't do this right now. He shook his head, crawling out the bottom of the mattress and grabbing his hoodie off the floor. He left without another word, too tired to deflect or come up with some joke.
When he woke up more later, he knew that he couldn't leave it there with Donnie. During training, Splinter had them all meditating. Leo took advantage of their eyes being closed to hide the white from their brothers and turn back on his light switch. He quietly melded with Donnie.
'Sorry.' Leo said.
'For what?' Donnie replied, not twitching beside him, both of them in their own favourite meditation poses. Leo couldn't tell if he was asking because he seriously didn't know or because he was trying to bait Leo.
'Slash gen.' Donnie added, obviously hearing that thought or an impression of it.
'For brushing you off this morning.' Leo replied. 'We're both in this experiment together and I know you're not trying to make me uncomfortable. It's just a thing.'
Donnie was very careful when he asked, 'Can you explain so I don't accidentally metaphorically step on your toes about it?'
Leo wrestled with the immediate impulse to think about the thing. Right before it slipped, he flipped the switch again. This time Donnie twitched beside him, but didn't speak. Both their brothers were there.
Leo stayed, meditating as best he could to calm down, and flipped back on. He sent, 'We need to find a way to not think things.'
'Meditating seems to be the best time to do that.' Donnie volunteered, not sounding upset by being cut off again. 'There's a theory regarding linguistic negation. Essentially, if I say to you, do not think about the polar bear, by necessity requires you to first think of a polar bear to understand the request, and therefore makes you think of a polar bear despite my words. So we cannot get around this by not thinking about things. We need to not send every single thought that comes into our heads.'
'Okay. I'm not going to send you a polar bear.' Leo sent, then thought about a polar bear, while also trying to think about not sending it.
Donnie's vibes turned amused. 'That did not work.'
'I'm sure Dad would say something like envision your mind as a steel trap and only allow what you permit to pass through it, or something.' Leo mentally rolled his eyes.
'Or something.' Donnie agreed. 'Perhaps the trick is to just be sending something else at the same time but with more intent, so the more latent thought stays under the radar.'
Leo thought very hard about the chorus to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun while slipping a smaller thought about polar bears underneath. Then he sent back, 'Any polar bears?'
'Two. Did you send more than that?'
'Yeah like seven.'
'So it could work. Let's practice.'
It was the first time that when Splinter called to stop meditating, neither of them wanted to get up. Leo dubbed it 'buffer music', which as long as they were paying attention they could play louder than whatever thought they didn't want the other to hear without having to break and reconnect constantly.
Leo was appreciative of Donnie for helping them come up with a solution that meant they could continue the fun they were having exploring the meld without Leo having to expose his admittedly worrying mental state. He tried not to abuse the system, only drowning out his own thoughts when he was suddenly reminded that death was inevitable and he couldn't sleep because he was so stuck in a loop of death thoughts.
Donnie didn't bring up more sleep testing for a few days. Instead they practised redirecting thoughts and staying connected for longer times and allowing the meld to become more background noise than a loud conversation. That meant, to keep their energy, they needed to be touching while practising. So Leo would hang out in the lab, either sitting side by side with Donnie or leaning against him. They always broke off if Raph or Mikey came, weirdly shy about getting caught doing it. The white eyes would be a dead giveaway.
The problem now was that they were so deep into it that it was weird that they hadn't brought their brothers into it in the first place. And Leo felt like it was something between him and his twin, but he felt guilty that he was purposefully excluding his big and little brother because...
Well. Leo didn't really want them in his head. Not in a bad way! But because nothing he ever thought seemed to phase Donnie. And nothing Donnie thought was ever a surprise to him. They'd always been the same wavelength, twins before they'd even picked the same birthday. The vulnerability required to give Donnie (almost) unfiltered access to his thoughts was already established a long time ago, whispered conversations in the dead of night, quiet admissions during movies, insecurities scribbled in shared notebooks. There wasn't really anything in his head that he hadn't already said to Donnie one time or another.
Except for the one thing. He could tell that it was beginning to bother Donnie every time he was suddenly greeted with Cyndi Lauper instead of Leo's thoughts. In the same way it would definitely bother Leo if Donnie was hiding something from him. While it was within Donnie's rights to have secrets, there wasn't much of a point as they had enough deep dark thoughts and years of blackmail between the two of them. And while Donnie certainly knew the trick to buffer music, he never once utilized it, just letting Leo hear anything that crossed his mind. Scathing comments, blind insecurity, self deprecation. No hesitation.
They did finally get caught, a few months into their experiments. The two of them got so incredibly comfortable with the back and forth of the meld, something so second nature, that their unspoken agreement to avoid doing it in front of other people was broken when Leo casually flashed a thought to Donnie to pass him the butter. Which his twin did so silently.
"Did you just mind meld Donnie for the butter?" Mikey asked, head snapping back and forth between the twins.
Right. Because of course, Leo's eyes would've lit white, then Donnie's, then the butter was passed without question. There was no other logical explanation.
Donnie seemed to come to the same conclusion and said, "Yes."
"How does that work?" Mikey said, brow furrowed. "I thought it was for fighting."
"It can be." Leo said, slowly. Trying to feel out how much to say. He didn't want to make it weird that they'd been excluding their other brothers. It felt mean. "Donnie wanted to experiment with it. So we've done a few tests. It's kinda useful."
"Tests?" Raph echoed. He sounded a little worried, which wasn't a reaction Leo wanted for this either. "What kind of tests?"
Donnie was offered the chance to infodump and took it without hesitation. He explained all the limitations and rules they'd discovered for the meld.
"You let him test all that?" Mikey laughed.
"We're twins, we already share a braincell." Leo said, giving a casual shrug. He was glad that Mikey didn't seem to feel left out.
"Maybe we should include more meld in our fight strategy." Raph said, stroking his chin. "We should practice next time we're training."
Leo was definitely down with that. He could use this was a weapon. He wasn't afraid to meld with Raph or Mikey if it was for something like training. That was fine.
And they did incorporate it. Splinter encouraged the snap moments of connection, trying to coordinate attacks and ideas. They used the radius that Donnie and Leo established to have small walkie-talkie moments even when out of eye line. They taught Mikey and Raph how to shut the connection down if they wanted to cut it off or needed to focus.
And then neither of them seemed to question the off-hand moments that Leo and Donnie used the meld with each other in non-training context. They seemed to think this would be an incredibly normal reaction of the twins, which of course it was because it was exactly what they were doing. Abusing the system for their own gain.
Their other brothers didn't abuse the system nearly as much. When Leo and Donnie had been sparring and having a very long meld conversation about who stole whose fruit snacks, Raph's presence suddenly joined the meld and told them to focus before stepping out again. Or when Mikey joined their meld during the movie they were watching because he had been pretty sure they were silently shit-talking the main actor and howled with laughter when he caught the tail end of Leo's scathing rant. But otherwise, they didn't bother Leo or Donnie about it.
Leo wasn't really sure why he'd been scared to tell them at all.
'Because you're enjoying it and you thought they might take it away.' Donnie cut into his introspection, the two of them sitting in the lab. It was three AM, an old story where Leo couldn't sleep. He'd flashed an instant meld with Donnie while suffering in bed, felt that he was awake and working, and trudged upstairs to join him.
'Raph and Mikey would never take away anything from us.' Leo replied, struggling with the guilt he felt over all his feelings on the matter.
'No.' Donnie sent back logically. 'But Raph only wants to protect us, and he could've used it as an opportunity to hover. And Mikey's our little brother, he wants to be included in everything we do, and he could've insisted on that.'
'I don't want to exclude them!' Leo thought, distraught.
'You just didn't want them to assume you'd allow them the same level of access to your thoughts that you provide me.' Donnie told him, knowing what Leo was feeling without Leo even being able to articulate it himself.
It was a lot like how Leo could tell Donnie what his body needed, since he often had trouble interpreting the symptoms.
Leo remembered telling him, "Your eyes are burning and your limbs feel weak and heavy. Go to sleep."
"But I'm not tired?" Donnie replied, knee deep in a project.
"You're not good at interpreting your body signals so I'm doing it for you."
Donnie had snorted and gone to sleep, because he was actually tired without feeling that way. Such was the autism. And such was the ADHD that it made Leo feel things all the time and not tell him why.
'Raph doesn't mind because he's determined that he can use it to protect us.' Donnie told him in the present, working with a motherboard with a tiny solder kit, knees touching and connecting them, eyes both a steady white. 'He doesn't have the desire to be constantly connected, he wouldn't know what to think even if he was. Instead he appreciates that we've taught him how to use the bond in combat situations as a tool. The rest of it doesn't matter, since he has access to that.'
That was true. It didn't seem like Raph had any desire to have the constant back and forth of him and Donnie, the only sign he'd even noticed was the occasional eye rolls when the two of them laughed at seemingly nothing. But if it was funny enough, Leo would parrot the joke out loud anyway for the validation.
'And Mikey doesn't mind because he has the capacity to join. Now that we've taught him, he can be included whenever he chooses. If we had not taught him how to join, maybe he'd feel excluded, but we certainly let him in anytime he desires. He's the same as Raph, however. He doesn't seem to crave the constant connection like we do.'
'So why do we crave it, then, smarty pants?' Leo asked, trying to sound sarcastic and not quite hitting the mark. He'd been too tired recently, not able to sleep properly and recuperate.
'I like it because my mind often goes much faster than my mouth is able to replicate.' Donnie replied, not hesitating to think Leo didn't want an answer to his failed sarcasm. 'I like it because I trust that I can give you this access to the speed of my thoughts and receive no scorn or judgment. And I suspect you like it because you are not alone.'
Leo swallowed. The last sentence was a hard rock in his throat. He thought, wryly, 'Noticed that about me, huh?'
'I don't want you to be alone.' Donnie thought, simply.
Leo abruptly put on the Girls Just Want To Have Fun buffer. Out loud, Donnie sighed, and looked away. His eyes flashed back to colour. Leo let his own drop too.
"Sorry." Leo verbally said, the first sound in hours from his throat in hours.
"I'm not going to make you tell me." Donnie said, continuing to work, pretending to be focused on it when Leo knew as of two seconds ago he'd actually been more focused on their conversation than the task in his hand. "But I fail to see the reasoning of hiding when I haven't given you any reason to think anything you tell me won't be perfectly safe in our shared little braincell, as you call it."
"It's not that." Leo said, weak.
Donnie met his gaze with a plain sentiment of what is it then.
Leo's body felt so weak with the weight of it all against him. He couldn't explain it, because words would never articulate how he felt.
But Leo didn't have to rely on words anymore. He caved. He said, "Let's do that last experiment you wanted."
Donnie's brow ticked in surprise, but he didn't argue. "Okay. Now?"
Leo shrugged. No time like the present. Donnie cleaned up his task and the two of them retreated to Leo's room this time, tugging around the blankets and pillows and getting comfortable. Donnie had his tablet, because he had a harder time staying awake when he didn't have a distraction. Leo made sure everything was perfect -- the night light, the eye mask, the fan running.
He warned, "So the downside of trying this experiment is you're now waiting for the insomniac to fall asleep before you can run any tests."
Donnie snorted, flicking through files on his tablet at top speed, sitting up just enough to rest it on his knees. He pulled his headphones on. "I have more than enough to do to keep me busy."
Leo shrugged, pressing his arm against Donnie's, and starting the connection.
They had discussed that they couldn't be actively talking, because it would keep Leo awake. So instead Donnie was thinking his own music buffer with the headphones to drown out his running thoughts of the tech stuff he was working on. Leo let himself bathe in the wash of the presence of his twin, trying to relax into the blankets, trying to let go of all the things that kept him awake.
Of course, sleep didn't come quickly. He kept recentering by focusing on the songs Donnie was listening to. Just as his mind started to sink, as his control over his body began to release and fade into unconsciousness--
The full jolt, stabbed straight to awake. The loss of control wrenched back, hands spasming at his side. He shuddered a breath, pressing closer to Donnie. His twin had gone still, and was almost too carefully still thinking about the music playing and nothing else.
Leo tried to relax again. It was fine. Everything was fine. He drowsed, exhausted, and almost fell asleep. But again, caught the moment and wrenched awake, heart picking up, terror racing. The adrenaline coursed and he breathed steadily through his nose. Trashy synth music played. Nothing else came down the connection. Leo rolled around, flinging an arm to press against Donnie and keep the connection, the safety blanket that kept nearly, nearly lulling him to sleep. The brain waves of Donnie's sleep had worked much better than this. His limbs went numb and the control was gone and the terror that this was what it felt like to die--
Leo's breath caught and he woke himself up, pulling out of sleep, struggling to surface. He didn't want to feel death. He didn't want to know. He didn't want the sensation of nothing, of separating from his body and losing control, he didn't want to know. He wanted to be awake and alive. How could he know the heavy weight of sleep was sleep and not something else?
What if death came? Would it feel like leaden limbs, like submitting to the ocean? Like struggling against a body that betrayed him, trying to heave for air as the helplessness surged him away? Would it feel like the moment sleep took you? Would it feel like rest or would it feel like fear? And then what comes next -- surely nothing to feel, as all feeling would be gone, as the mechanisms existing for feeling wouldn't remain, and there would be no Leo, no Donnie, no universe, just blank nothingness forever, after struggling against limbs that --
His neck was hot and the blood deep terror was consuming him. Beside him, Donnie slowly removed his headphones, and laid down properly before gathering Leo in his arms.
'Is this what you've been afraid to tell me?' Donnie asked, a whisper against his brain, a balm against the horrid feelings and fears.
Leo hiccuped, pressing his nose into Donnie's shoulder, clinging desperately around his back as his heart attempted to beat completely out of his chest. Like a sledgehammer against his ribcage. He was trembling. He had no response he could send back, just a consistent tremor of existential fear.
He never could've articulated it. But he could show it. And now Donnie knew, something so primal that he couldn't even twist his tongue around it.
Donnie rubbed his shell in calming motions, mind flitting around from thought to thought, contemplating what words might help, what might be causing the dread, a sad little understanding that of course Leo would have trouble sleeping if that was in his head. And an even sadder knowing thought that preoccupation with death was a signal of depression.
'Killing myself is literally the opposite of what I want to happen.' Leo drew himself together enough to argue, because that was the last thing he wanted Donnie to be afraid of. It was that Leo didn't want to die so badly. He didn't want to be alone.
'That doesn't mean you're not suffering. That doesn't mean it's not serious.' Donnie replied, a shaky breath against Leo's head, holding on so tightly. A sent message that he wasn't going anywhere.
Donnie ran through a checklist of symptoms in his head. Leo uncomfortably matched a lot of them, but he mentally pushed Donnie to stop.
'I don't want to think about that right now.' Leo insisted. 'I'm tired. And I want to go to sleep. I just... that's what's been making it hard for me right now. Listening to your nerdy brain waves helped. So do me a favour and go to sleep.'
'I don't think I could sleep now.' Donnie admitted, clinging to his twin just as hard as he was. 'I'm thinking too much.'
'You're always thinking too much.' Leo replied fondly. 'Should we get up?'
'No.' Donnie squeezed impossibly tighter, like Leo might disappear. 'We'll just stay here.'
'Fine.' Leo relaxed into it. 'We'll just stay here.'
Donnie kept rubbing his shell. It felt very nice. Donnie stopped thinking about the causes of existential dread and the symptoms of depression and instead started to recite the periodic table.
'What are you doing?' Leo sent.
'Nerdy brain waves.' Donnie sent back, and kept going.
Warmth, touch, instant feedback that he wasn't alone. The connection between their brains, Donnie's voice reciting shit Leo pretended he didn't care about. Giving the atomic numbers of each element. The fan on the other side of the room, blowing a nice breeze on his cheek. The night light that Donnie made for him, that they pretended wasn't a night light. Leo's body sunk into the softness, and when his limbs grew heavy, his mind startled -- was that death? Was that --
'You're alive and I've got you.' Donnie's voice promised, calm, coaxing. 'I've got you. I've got you.'
He wasn't alone. He struggled for a moment, and rolled back to the surface of his thoughts, bathing there for a moment before the bone deep tiredness sunk in again. Donnie had him. He fell asleep.
His dreams were normal, in that they were nothing interesting enough to remember. The morning came. Donnie was awake already when he woke up, and he was worrying. Fretting. It was weird to experience, because outwardly Donnie didn't like to show it. But internally, Leo could still hear the race-horse of his twin brother's brain tearing up the track. Worrying about Leo.
Leo's tongue felt too big in his mouth and eyes stung like they'd been rubbed with cotton. Had he been crying in his sleep? That wasn't normal. Hm.
'Thinking too loud.' Leo complained.
'I am going to fix you.' Donnie declared.
'Too early.' Leo replied. 'Did you sleep?'
'Some.' Donnie was still holding onto him, like he was holding Leo hostage. He wasn't about to complain.
'I welcome you to try, because I'd rather not live like this anymore.' Leo told him, mentally exhausted from the whole thing.
'We'll need to tell the others.'
'Do we have to?' Leo whined.
'Yes, because this is too much for me.' Donnie replied promptly.
Leo felt guilt and shame.
Donnie physically tweaked his ear. Then he bonked their foreheads together, making Leo open his eyes to glare at him.
Donnie spoke out loud, "You are too important to rest only on my shoulders. I appreciate that you trusted me enough to let me in, and I'm certainly not expecting you to do the same level with them, but they need to know, Nardo. Support systems are very important for treating depression."
"I don't wanna use that word right now." Leo complained, pushing his forehead harder into Donnie's to be annoying. It didn't work, it just kinda made Donnie look like he might cry too.
Because Leo was crying. It was hot streaks down his cheeks.
"There is nothing I can do about the fact that we are going to die." Donnie stated, eyes red. Voice straining. "I'm sorry. I would if I could. But you don't need to lie awake all night fighting with it, because it's... I don't know how to say this."
Leo dropped his head to rest against Donnie's shoulder instead. He breathed hard, shuddering with tears.
Donnie continued internally, 'You do not need to fight death. It is going to happen whether or not you tear yourself up all night about it. So since nothing you can do will stop it, then there is no point in wasting the energy to even consider it. Right? You don't need to think about it, thinking about it won't change it.'
Leo choked on a sob. His eyes stung hard.
'We are going to die but we are going to live first, Leon. We are going to live first. You cannot change the death, but you can change the life.' Donnie insisted.
He was crying in earnest now. He was pretty sure the trembles in his twin's body meant he was crying along with him, but with the mental voice it did not betray any tears.
'Let us all help you.' Donnie pleaded.
'I want that. I just don't know if it will work.' Leo admitted.
'It can't get worse, can it?'
That was probably true. He sniffed loud and messy. He was so stupidly glad that he had been too lazy to move and asked Donnie to bring him toast months ago.
They eventually got up and got toast. They eventually talked to the others and made plans and sought help. But right now the two twins connected by their very soul stayed exactly where they were, holding on like the universe might try to split them apart, not alone. Not alone at all.