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The blue-shelled koopa general led his small party forward, bowing deeply before the king of all koopas. Bowser’s intense gaze focused down on them, his frown deepening. “Oh, great king of the koopas,” the general began. “Your loyal subjects have returned from our top secret mission to the human world.”
“So I see. Tell me, what have those insignificant, fleshy creatures been saying about me? Do they fear the might of my army?” Bowser asked, tapping his claws on the arm of his throne.
“Oh, yes, great one. The humans continue to fear the great koopa that nearly conquered their insignificant kingdom - the kingdom of Brook Land,” said the general solemnly. “Your royal visage has been seared into their very way of life.”
“They even created little statues and plushy things in your honor,” one of the goombas in the party piped up.
“Statues in my honor? Show them to me,” King Bowser demanded, slamming his fist against his throne.
“Yes, your fearsome one,” shouted the general. He turned to his troops, giving a nod for them to present their treasures. Two koopas in green shells marched forward, carrying a sack between them. “We present the bounty from our secret mission, King Bowser.”
Bowser stormed down the steps, leaning over to inspect the contents of the bag. The first item he pulled out was a small figure of himself, perfect down the last claw. He grinned as he took in the savage stance the little figure was in. Truly terrifying.
“We took that one off a tiny human hatchling. If you press a button on its back, it appears to glow and breath fire,” said a goomba.
“Hmmm… a human hatchling, you say,” growled Bowser, watching the little figure as its mouth lit up with a red glow. A tiny puff of steam poured out. Rather pathetic, but perhaps the humans did not have the magic to truly pull off fire-breathing. “Yes, even human infants are learning to fear my wrath!”
“If I may, your highness.” The general dug around in the bag, and produced two more items. Bowser took them into his paws, marvelling at their features. He squeezed them gently, amazed at the softness of them.
“The humans call them ‘plushies,’ sire. Truly they see that you and the princess are meant to be together.”
“Indeed,” said Bowser, stroking the little Princess Peach plushy. His own plushy had a mouth full of sharp, though soft, teeth. “Is there more?”
“Uh, well…” the group glanced back and forth awkwardly.
“Should we tell him?” one koopa whispered to the other one next to him.
“You tell him.”
“No, you.”
The general took a deep breath, and hesitantly nodded. “Bring the other bag.” The group presented it to their king with nervous smiles.
Bowser dug around in the bag, pulling out more items. “The Mario brothers? Why would the humans wish to make plushies of them? With their dumb mustaches and silly outfits and pretty blue eyes.”
“Uh…”
Bowser immediately flushed red. “Not that I ever noticed their eyes. They’re just dumb plumbers, after all. Maybe if they actually changed their clothes, then they’d be moderately interesting. Might even look good in dresses, that’s all I’m saying.”
“The princess doll came with extra dresses. They’re in the bag. Different colors, too.”
“Alright, I’m confiscating everything in those bags,” said Bowser, dropping the dolls he was carrying back into the bags, and then snatching the bags up with one hand. “For research and stuff. You did well, general. I may need your team to make another secret mission to the human kingdom of Brook Land in the future. To gather intel, and stuff.”
“We are at your command, sire,” promised the general, giving the king a salute.
“You may go now,” said the king, waving them away.
“Oh, Bowser, you’re so handsome,” Princess Peach sighed, swooning.
“I could never defeat you. You are too rugged and strong for me,” said Mario, practically laying on the floor before Bowser.
“So dreamy,” said Luigi. “I love-a strong koopa men who can-a carry me in their arms.”
“Wahahah!” Bowser laughed deeply. He manoeuvred the little green-hatted plushy to the other side of the Bowser plushy. With Princess Peach on one arm, and a now dress-wearing Luigi (whose silly hat would NOT come off) on the other, he would be the greatest ruler in the world.
“Oh, how I am crushed by jealousy,” Bowser said in a Mario-ish voice. “Bowser has my fair lady and my brother. I shall never recover!” The king paused, glancing around at his empty room. No kids sneaking in, and no sign of Kamek to spoil his fun. In a softer voice, he continued, “But if I’m-a being honest, I am wishing the koopa king would take-a me, as well. It is not fair that Luigi and Peach get him all to themselves. He is too handsome for only one bride or bridegroom. Truly, Bowser is-a soooo amazing, he deserves a harem of pretty humans.”
The king sighed dramatically, picking up the little red plushy from where it was laying on its pudgy stomach. “Oh, Mario. You know I only like humans in dresses. If you want to be mine, you have to wear the dress.” He held up a white dress with red highlights, pulling it down over the doll Mario’s body. “That’s better. Now I have all the lovely humans… except Princess Daisy, but she scares me, so…” Bowser froze again. “Wait, I mean, I’m not scared of her. Pfft, please. She isn’t that…” The koopa shivered as he remembered her kicking him in the stomach, and then throwing him over her shoulder the one and only time he tried to kidnap her. “Yep, not collecting that crazy woman.”
Clearing his throat, Bowser set the Mario plushy in front of the Bowser plushy, and cuddled all four plushies together. “We love you, Bowser. Marry us. We worship you, Bowsie. You get all the kisses…”
“King Bowser!” A poof of magic erupted inside the door of Bowser’s chambers. Yelping, the koopa king threw a blanket over the plushies on his bed.
“I’m not doing anything!”
“Bowser, the general informed me that you were in possession of evidence that the humans feared you. If you could just show me…”
“Uh, yeah, later. I’m kinda busy right now.”
“But sire… this could be the key to conquering the human kingdom of Brook Land,” Kamek argued, shuffling closer to the bed.
“What they found wasn’t really that interesting,” lied Bowser.
“Then you can show me,” said Kamek eagerly. “Come on, son. I raised you.”
Bowser groaned. Of course Kamek would play the ‘dad’ card. “Fine, but I just want you to know that they came that way. I definitely did not change their outfits.” The king pulled back the blanket, revealing the little plushy dolls.
“My goodness,” said Kamek, adjusting his spectacles. “The resemblance is uncanny.”
“Uh huh, yes, yes,” said Bowser, his tail twitching nervously.
“Why are the plumber brothers wearing the princess’s dresses?”
“They were dressed like that when I got them!” Bowser shouted.
“I see…” Kamek pulled back, fixing his gaze on his oversized, practically-adopted son. “Bowser, I want you to be truthful with me. Are you planning to pursue a polygamous marriage?”
“I…uh…”
“Bowser,” said Kamek sternly.
“It’s not my fault that humans in dresses are pretty! And the plumbers might dress dumb, but they’ve got these sparkling blue eyes - like sapphires. And soft-looking skin… and Luigi’s mustache was fun to play with,” mumbled Bowser. “Should have practised kissing with him when I had the chance,” he whispered under his breath.
“I see,” said Kamek, knowingly. “Best to sleep on the decision, sire. Three spouses is a lot to handle.”
“Yeah, I know…” Bowser said, pouting.
“I’m off to bed then, sire. Get a good night’s rest,” said the magikoopa, poofing his way out of the room.
Grumbling, Bowser pulled all the plushies close, curling himself around them. If he couldn’t have all of them, then at least he’d find a way to seduce one of them. Greenie was definitely his first choice, given that Peaches had turned him down on their wedding day. So rude.