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Mamma didn't raise no deadbeat

Summary:

Expect spoilers for the entire game. But at this point if you haven't played it, it's your own fault.

Inspired by the “Larian, please let me raise my child” post on reddit. After the events of the game, Lae’zel and Shadowheart are faced with a conundrum of an even higher challenge rating than a nether brain. A child.

Purely self indulgent writing, I like Icewind dale as a final destination (retirement home) for PC's in my DnD campaigns, and I like whatever the fuck Shadowheart and Lae'zel have got. Stick em in a blender, with the realisation that Lae'zel had been carrying that egg ALL FUCKING GAME for hydration, and this mouldy plastic spork is writing crimes against the source material again. and I'm making it everyone's problem.

Chapter 1: Arrival

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Icewind Dale, and by extension, Ten Towns, is a cold unsuspecting expanse, dotted with secrets and smattered with hardships for those who call it home. It was for this reason that Lae’zel and Shadowheart had agreed upon it as the location they would head to. For what they would officially call their little abscondment from Baldur’s Gate, whether it is a simple holiday, retirement, or perhaps just a change of scenery for a change in their lives was still undecided. Regardless, the two had only just arrived and would have time to solidify the specifics later, for now more mundane concerns were at large. Namely lodging and food, the road to the northern frontiers of the sword coast at this time of year was not much of a threat to the pair of seasoned (and bloody well equipped) adventurers but the environment, with biting cold and low visibility, had ensured those last few steps into the warm looking walls of Bryn Shander were slow going, the weight of their luggage seeming to multiply as the promise of conclusion was presented. Or at least, that’s how Shadowheart felt, and she knew it showed, going from an active party of 4 to 2 really put into perspective just how much crap they had lugged around whilst putting an end to 3 evil gods and a “mildly” overgrown piece of mindflayer anatomy. As Shadowheart looked at Lae’zel she had a moment where she could only wonder how the Gith woman was still walking perfectly proudly, not a single indication of struggle being outwardly apparent in the cold with all the weight upon her back. Then Shadowheart clocked the slight over-furrow of the brow and the beginning of an icicle forming on that overly small bat nose of hers and had to stifle a giggle. Not stifled enough though, as she was met with a Chk and Lae’zel turning her head away from her, but causing the icicle to wobble precariously and at that point the laughter could be stifled no longer and Shadowheart laughed long and hard at the spectacle of a Gith with a runny nose, freezing in the harsh weather. At that Lae’zel lunged at Shadowheart, grabbing her by the wrists and pushing her against the open doors of the town.


“I have not spoken any jokes, and yet after hours of silence you laugh. Am I entertaining you Shadowheart, do I amuse you?” All the while that icicle continued waving with each of Lae’zel’s characteristic head jerks. If this continued Shadowheart would be unable to get a word out at all through her little fit of giggles and the two would be locked like this until either Shadowheart was out of breath, or Lae’zel had really had enough of her. Luckily the two were saved from a comedically snotty stalemate by a clearing of someone's throat over the subtle howl of the winds outside the town.


“Sorry to interrupt ladies, but despite the outwardly rugged appearance of everything up here, we do prefer if fistfights were ever kept to tavern backrooms, or just didn’t happen where the guards have to deal with it.” The well bundled up guard had none of the finery or uniform of the watch or the fists of Baldur’s Gate, but had all of the tiredness behind his voice that made it clear he didn’t want to deal with this just as much as the next guard or watch member. “Oh and er, you’ve got little summin’ on your nose, dear.” At this Lae’zel flinched, swiping at her nose and yanking the snotsicle. A snarl of Tsk’va and a glare at Shadowheart as she finished wiping away laughing tears from her eyes. Lae’zel tried to maintain the harsh stare, but seeing Shadowheart at ease like this, feeling her start to lean into her and share some warmth. The scowl softened first into an eye roll, and then a smile, slight as it was.
“Glad to see you’re not causing trouble now. Seeing as you're clearly new to this end, I’d say go to the town hall, I'm guessing from the luggage you’re planning more than a tenday vacay.” the guard jerked a thumb at the largest building in Bryn Shander before continuing on his patrol.


“Well? I know you’re probably able to lug these packs for another tenday, but I want an actual bed and a glass of wine yesterday.” Shadowheart was already taking the first steps toward the centre of town, when a grip caused her to be yanked back. Shadowheart looked back to see Lae’zel fussing over entwining their fingers together. With a firm squeeze of each other's hand Lae’zel nodded, in much the way one would after ensuring a sword is sharpened or armour is fitted correctly.


“There. Now we can advance. My tomorrow begins today, and the fates have willed that it begins together.” Lae’zel’s smile was triumphant, proud. And Shadowheart couldn’t help but titter.


“You know, you’d give Volo a run for his money if you commit such words to script. Warrior poets are on the rise in Waterdeep I hear.” The two began walking toward their new life. Lae’zel couldn’t help but lean in, pulling them together.


“But only you have earned them, my joy. Even with your incessant teasing.”
And as the two huddled, shoulder to shoulder, walking toward a new venture, something within their packs fed on their warmth as well.

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It took some time, a good amount of which was occupied by Lae’zel becoming more and more agitated over the legal proceedings. Eventually they settled on Lonelywood, a place founded by Sembians and later becoming home to many shadier sorts, though now had a strongly Elf and Half-elf majority populace. Apparently even some Selûnites had once settled, though little of the faith persists. Documents were signed, gold exchanged, and the two were pleasingly able to look upon a shared property. Yes, it was a small cabin, but it was a nice way out of town, with quick access to the woods. And as the two entered this easy abode, they could have sworn the entire structure shook as they finally laid down their packs. Shadowheart looked over at Lae’zel, already elbow deep into her pack. She produced a monumentally heavy set of armour, green tinted metal plates with veins of blue.


“Lae’zel, dear. How many sets of armour did you bring? Current attire not included.” Shadowheart said as she unloaded pillows and the deconstructed parts of her shrine from her own pack. Lae’zel smirked, as she turned to look at Shadowheart.
“Two that I wore for efficiency. And another two that make you sweat.” as she produced a set of dark justiciar armour and then a set of flaming fist armour. Lae’zel’s entire smug and prideful face was covered suddenly by a flash of deep blue. The pillow fell from Lae’zel’s face as Shadowheart scoffed, smiling mouth agape.


“You are incorrigible, you know that? We’ve not even unpacked a single piece of kitchenware and you’re focused on costume play.” She strutted over and snatched the pillow from the floor. “Besides, I think I much prefer you in this more classic look.” She traced her finger over the psionic ward armour that Lae’zel had worn beneath her travelling furs, feeling the ridges of the embossings and gems set into it. A soft growl, near to a purr crept between Lae’zel’s smile and before it had ended Shadowheart had been swept up into Lae’zel’s arms. Shadowheart let her arms rest on the gith’s shoulders.


“Perhaps we should take stock of the included furnishings? The bedroom maybe?”. Shadowheart tittered through closed lips, and pressed them to Lae’zel’s.


“You don’t need a tadpole to read my mind anymore do you?” she whispered into her cheek. They moved together to the adjoining room that the floorplan had marked as a bedroom. As the two staggered into the room, Shadowheart took her face away from Lae’zel’s to quickly take in the surroundings. Ah


“There’s no bed. Lae’zel, take your teeth off my collarbone for a moment, there’s no bed.” she patted Lae’zel atop her head, much like she would have patted Scratch once. Lae’zel detached from Shadowheart, and turned around.


“Ah. An astute observation, there is no bed.” Shadowheart was lowered to the ground gently, quickly had herself put back in order by Lae’zel’s efficient but tender hands. “I will acquire a bed for us.” She turned to leave.


“What? Now? Lae’zel, it's dark out can’t it wait until tomorrow, we have bedrolls and firewood.” Shadowheart baulked as Lae’zel pulled on her boots and fur coats.

“Zhak vo’n fynh duj. You decreed you wanted a bed yesterday, it cannot wait until tomorrow.” And with that she was gone, stalking out into the early Icewind evening on a quest for a bed. Shadowheart blinked, before rushing to get herself ready to go out into the cold. On the one hand, Lae’zel was as attentive as ever and wonderfully devoted to Shadowheart. On the other she was still as blunt as the used end of a warhammer and still takes most things far too seriously. Furthermore, having heard of what Lae’zel liked from her furnishings, if her recounts of Crèche K'liir’s facilities were anything to go by, she was the last person she could trust to go furniture shopping, or commandeering, or however Lae’zel planned to find a bed on short notice.

“Lae’zel! Get your toned gith arse back here! We are not sleeping on a slab of stone.” She rushed to catch up to her, but not before making sure the fireplace had been set to warm the house with a well placed fire bolt. It wouldn’t do to return to a cold home after all. And as Shadowheart left, leaving barely unpacked luggage in the main room, something amidst the pile twitched.

Notes:

Yeah, I'm holding the entire main premise back for later chapters, fight me.