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After they’re both discharged from the hospital, they don’t see each other for nearly a year.
They swap phone numbers and agree to stay in touch, but Lawrence has a failing marriage to save and a traumatised daughter to comfort, and a lot of physical therapy to go through, so it’s a couple of months before he realises he hasn’t spoken to Adam at all. It gets to the point where he feels as though too much time has passed, and it would be a bit awkward to start trying to forge some kind of relationship now, but then one day he checks his phone at work and notices a new text -
How’s the new foot?
The name at the top of the screen confirms it’s from Adam, and for the first time in months, Lawrence finds himself smiling as he types a reply.
Not as good as the old one.
And that’s how it starts.
They don’t text each other frequently, and they never speak on the phone, but they do keep in touch, messaging each other about once a month with small updates on their lives. Lawrence lets Adam know that his physical therapy is going well, and he’s getting used to the prosthetic, and that he doesn’t have nightmares every night now.
Adam tells him that he’s on some new medication that’s helping with his anxiety although it gives him migraines, and he’s got a new apartment and a new job. He still has nightmares every night though.
That’s how it goes for almost a year - texts ping-ponging back and forth between them sporadically with little tidbits of news; Lawrence keeps Adam updated on his divorce and how Diana is coping, and Adam keeps Lawrence updated on the therapy sessions a friend of his has paid for, and how the different meds he’s on have been impacting his moods.
Even though that’s all it ever is, Lawrence finds his mind wandering to Adam often. He wonders if Adam really is okay; if his therapy and meds are really helping. He wonders how much Adam thinks about the bathroom, and all that time that Lawrence left him alone before he was able to come back for him.
The lonelier he becomes, the more Lawrence thinks about Adam. With Alison gone and his time with Diana limited to weekends, Lawrence’s thoughts are filled with dirty bathrooms, bloody hacksaws, and pretty blue eyes fixed on him from the other side of the room.
And then one morning in the Fall, Lawrence wakes up to a text that says -
Happy Anniversary ;) xxx
He blinks, frowning with confusion, trying to work out what the hell that’s supposed to mean, when he gets another message -
Sorry, just a joke. Can’t believe it’s been a year, huh?
Lawrence glances at the calendar on his wall.
A year. A whole year.
And that’s when he realises that life is too short to shut himself off from the world.
*****
They meet near a coffee stand in the park. It’s one that Lawrence stops at on his way to work sometimes if he has an early shift.
It’s almost surreal seeing Adam again.
The younger man looks…healthy. Of course, Lawrence’s only memories of Adam are of him soaking wet and shackled to a bathroom wall, and recovering from a gunshot wound in hospital. But he’s got a light in his eyes now that wasn’t there when they first met, his skin has a healthy glow, and his whole posture is much more relaxed.
“I’ve gained a little weight,” Adam says shyly with a shrug, sounding half embarrassed and half proud.
He’s not quite as skinny as he was a year ago; his gaunt edges have been replaced by healthy curves.
“You look good,” Lawrence says honestly, wanting to erase any embarrassment he’d heard in Adam’s tone.
It’s the first time he’s ever seen Adam properly smile.
“Thanks, man. You look good too. Cool cane.” Adam nods at the cane by Lawrence’s side, his voice soft and genuine.
Lawrence suddenly wonders why they didn’t do this sooner. Adam is the only other person in the world who could possibly understand what he’s been through, and yet they’ve never spoken since walking away from everything Jigsaw did to them.
Lawrence buys the younger man coffee and they take a long walk through the park.
They start off talking about the bathroom and the shit they’re both dealing with; their injuries both physical and mental. They talk about Jigsaw and where they think he is now, whether they think he’ll ever be caught. They talk about how they both have to check the locks on their front doors three times every night before going to sleep.
But then the conversation drifts away from all that, and Lawrence quickly realises that although he’s known Adam for a year now, he doesn’t really know him. He knows nothing about the younger man’s life other than what he’s been doing to help with his recovery. And Adam knows nothing about Lawrence other than the fact that he’s a divorcee with a young daughter who works too much.
So they talk.
It all flows so easily; Lawrence isn’t normally one to share much about himself with people he doesn’t know well, but it feels different with Adam. Maybe it’s their shared traumatic experience that makes him feel like they’re closer than they really are; there’s not much you can say to shock someone when they’ve watched you saw off your own foot.
They talk about their families, their jobs, their childhoods. Adam talks about his photography and the bands he likes, and asks Lawrence what kind of music he enjoys. And for nearly an hour, Lawrence forgets that he’s talking to a man who he was once imprisoned with.
They somehow get on to the subject of movies, and Adam mentions how he used to love horror films but hasn’t really been able to watch any in the last year. He mentions he hasn’t been to the movies at all since they escaped, and Lawrence realises he hasn’t either.
Which is how they end up making plans to go and see a movie together at the weekend.
*****
It kind of escalates from there. The movie is just the beginning.
They agree that they should make more of an effort to stay in touch, so a week after the movie they meet for coffee again.
The week after that they go to a photography exhibition that Adam has been dying to see.
The following week they hang out at Adam’s apartment and order pizza.
Their meet ups start becoming more frequent; once a week becomes twice a week, and sometimes they’ll meet up for lunch if Adam is near the hospital, and they’ll text or talk on the phone every day.
It doesn’t take Lawrence long to realise just how much he actually likes Adam and values his company. Aside from being able to talk to someone who he knows will truly listen to him without judgement, Adam makes Lawrence’s days just that little bit brighter.
His sense of humor and his sharp jokes leave Lawrence smiling long after they’ve parted, and it only seems to amplify the loneliness Lawrence feels when Adam isn’t there.
Even Diana can tell that something has changed; she gives her father a curious look when she’s dropped off one afternoon, which happens to be only a few hours since Lawrence met up with Adam for breakfast at a diner a few blocks away.
“You look very happy, daddy,” Diana says, half pleased and half suspicious.
“It’s because I get to see you,” Lawrence tells her as he kisses her cheek, which isn’t a lie.
“Hm.” Diana giggles, not looking completely convinced, but she doesn’t say anything more.
*****
It dawns on him slowly, and it takes Lawrence nearly five months to admit to himself that he wants Adam.
He wants Adam in a way that he hasn’t wanted anyone in a long time. And it’s not just a sexual thing; it’s not like the way he wanted Carla, although he does give Adam a starring role in his sexual fantasies on almost a daily basis.
There’s something else there that he hasn’t felt in a long time, probably not since he was first in love with Alison.
In love.
Lawrence almost wants to laugh at himself. He wants to laugh at how pathetic he is to want someone like Adam. Adam doesn’t need Lawrence. He could have anyone he wanted; someone younger, someone with less baggage.
Which is why Lawrence doesn’t say anything, and he lets himself enjoy the friendship for what it is.
He lets himself enjoy Adam’s sharp sarcasm and witty humor, and the warmth of the younger man’s tone when Lawrence is on the verge of a breakdown after a difficult day at work. He lets himself subtly smell Adam’s hair when they hug hello, and he’ll cling on a little longer than necessary when they hug goodbye, hoping that Adam will maybe think Lawrence is just a little slower because he’s holding a cane in one hand and has his other arm around Adam.
Lawrence is particularly ashamed of himself when they go for a walk one cold afternoon and he feigns pain from his prosthetic, which causes Adam to cling to his arm to steady him. They spend an hour walking around the park arm in arm, and Lawrence can’t keep the smile from his face as he relishes the warmth from the younger man’s body while Adam enthusiastically talks about a new album he’s been listening to from a band Lawrence has never heard of.
What Laurence is not ashamed of, however, is admitting to himself that he is in love with Adam.
*****
It gets to the point where Lawrence can barely think about anything else any time he’s around Adam.
It doesn’t help that Adam is so comfortable around him now that he seems to touch Lawrence a lot more - a walk in the park always ends up with Adam pressed against Lawrence’s side, their arms linked, and a movie night at one of their apartments always seems to result in Adam’s thigh pressed firmly against Lawrence’s, and sometimes if it’s late Adam will rest his head on Lawrence’s shoulder and Lawrence has to restrain himself from reaching out to wrap an arm around the younger man -
Tonight is one such night.
Adam must be tired, because he’s tucked against Lawrence so tightly that he might as well be in the older man’s lap. Lawrence can’t even remember the name of the film they’ve been watching; he’s spent the last forty minutes desperately trying to think unsexy thoughts to keep himself from getting hard. Adam’s body is warm and his hair smells of coconut and Lawrence would love nothing more than to put his arm around Adam and hold him close, but he’s a coward, and he can’t risk the only real friendship he has in his life at the moment.
Adam yawns as the credits roll, shifting a little to smile up at Lawrence with tired eyes.
He’s so beautiful that Lawrence’s heart aches.
“You want to stay over?” Lawrence asks without thinking, his voice thick.
Adam often sleeps in the spare room after a late evening at Lawrence’s, and Lawrence always feels better knowing that there’s only one wall between him and Adam.
“Sure,” Adam yawns. “Thanks.” His expression softens. “I like staying here. You got clean sheets and a decent mattress.”
Lawrence laughs. “And a proper breakfast in the morning if you want it. Not just stale cereal and expired milk.”
He dares to brush a stray strand of hair away from Adam’s eyes.
“Mm. You do make a mean omelette.” Adam rests his hand on Lawrence’s thigh. “Plus, I feel safer with you in the next room.”
Lawrence swallows. He’s not sure if he’s so emotionally compromised and blinded by his own feelings that he’s reading more into this than he should, but for just a moment his heart skips a beat with a flicker of hope.
You shouldn’t take advantage of him, he tells himself as he places his hand on top of Adam’s. He feels safe with you.
Adam slowly turns his palm upward and laces their fingers together.
“I feel less alone when you’re here,” Lawrence blurts out, and his heart is hammering in his chest.
Adam’s cheeks are slightly flushed as he leans in, vulnerability clear in his eyes.
Lawrence is a weak man.
He meets Adam half way, pressing their lips together gently. It only lasts a couple of seconds; it’s a chaste kiss, but it immediately sends a sharp shock of desire through Lawrence’s groin.
Their lips part and they pull away for just a moment, their eyes meeting, and then Adam seems to quickly make a decision.
The younger man manoeuvres himself and swings one of his legs over Lawrence so that he’s straddling the older man’s lap, his arms resting on Lawrence’s shoulders.
He leans in to kiss the older man again, more desperately this time, and Lawrence finally wraps his arms around Adam’s back, pulling him close. They kiss hungrily, lips parting to allow tongues to slide together, and Adam cups the older man’s jaw as Lawrence runs his hands up Adam’s back, down his sides, across his hips, and then down to the curve of his ass.
“I’ve wanted this for fucking ages,” Adam laughs breathlessly when they stop for air. “I can’t believe this is actually happening.”
“You’re not the only one,” Lawrence replies softly, pressing a kiss to Adam’s neck. “I can’t even begin to tell you, Adam-“
“So show me.”
Adam brushes their noses together and grins mischievously, and Lawrence feels himself melt into the sofa.
*****
It’s not the smoothest sexual experience of Lawrence’s life, but that doesn’t detract from how perfect it is.
It’s incredibly clumsy in a way that only first times can be; they stumble to the bedroom and Adam nearly trips over his jeans and underwear as he tries to pull them off, and Lawrence fumbles with the buttons on his shirt and struggles with his prosthetic.
They take each other in naked for the first time, and Lawrence doesn’t feel as exposed as he thought he would when Adam gazes at where his foot used to be. He does feel sad though when he looks at the scars on Adam’s shoulder, guilt sitting heavy in his stomach, but Adam quickly kisses him again and presses their bodies together and Lawrence gets lost in it all.
They explore each other’s bodies with lips and tongues and fingers, and Lawrence is pleasantly surprised when Adam offers to suck his cock.
It’s clear that Adam has done this before but is a little out of practice; it takes him a little while to relax his jaw and learn what Lawrence likes, but he quickly builds his confidence and technique, and it only takes a few minutes before Lawrence is worried it might all be over too soon.
“Tell me what you want,” Lawrence says breathlessly, running his fingers through Adam’s hair.
“Want you to fuck me,” Adam replies immediately, lips swollen and pupils blown wide. “Please, Lawrence.”
Lawrence needs some time to calm down before they get to the actual fucking, so he ends up with his head buried between Adam’s legs, running his tongue over the younger man’s entrance while he pumps Adam’s dick with one hand and fumbles for the lube with the other.
“Jesus Christ,” Adam gasps when Lawrence finally gets a finger inside of him, his cock rock hard against his stomach. “Jesus fucking Christ, yes.”
Lawrence quickly learns that Adam is a talker in bed. He babbles incoherently while Lawrence fingers him; a mixture of curse words and Lawrence’s name flowing from his lips as he writhes against the sheets.
Lawrence isn’t normally one for making much noise during sex, but he finds himself telling Adam how good he is, how beautiful he is, how much he needs him -
They’re both trembling with want by the time Adam begs Lawrence to get on with it, and it’s a little awkward at first when Lawrence can’t get the condom on properly, and then they discover that Adam needs a little bit more lube to feel comfortable, and then it takes Lawrence three attempts to get inside Adam because his dick keeps slipping out-
But when he finally slides home, it’s worth it.
Adam feels like home. He’s tight and warm and his voice is like honey in Lawrence’s ear, urging him on as he thrusts slowly. Adam’s thighs are soft and warm against Lawrence’s hips, and his nails scratch gently down the older man’s shoulders and back.
“You’re safe,” Lawrence whispers against Adam’s lips. “You’ll always be safe with me.”
They end up having to switch positions when Lawrence’s leg starts to ache; the transition is another clumsy moment that almost results in Adam rolling off the bed, but they manage to get comfortable with Lawrence on his back and Adam on top of him, and Lawrence lets out a low moan as Adam slides down onto his dick.
Letting Adam have control is a wise decision; he rides Lawrence like he was born to do it, and Lawrence can’t keep his eyes off him. He watches the pleasure bloom on Adam’s face as he bounces and rolls his hips, running his hands across Lawrence’s chest. His dark hair is sticking up in different directions and there’s sweat dripping down him, but he’s still the most beautiful thing Lawrence has ever seen.
Lawrence’s orgasm comes embarrassingly quickly, rolling over him like waves, but he feels a little better when Adam joins him not long after, collapsing against Lawrence’s chest with a happy sigh.
“Oh, Doctor Gordon,” Adam chuckles, his voice raspy as he kisses Lawrence’s jaw. “Why the hell weren’t we doing that all along?”
Lawrence hasn’t got an answer for that question, so he just laughs and squeezes Adam’s ass affectionately.
They lie in comfortable silence for a few minutes, enjoying the afterglow.
“I meant what I said, you know,” Lawrence says softly, kissing the top of Adam’s head. “You’ll always be safe with me.”
“I know,” Adam hums happily.
I love you is on the tip of Lawrence’s tongue, but the cowardly part of him prevents him from saying it.
He will say it though. One day.
END