Jewishstuck

by CloudDreamer

Summary:

The beta kids and some trolls attempt to celebrate Jewish holidays. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Chapter 1: > JADE: Remember that it’s Passover

JADE: hey john
JADE: do you know what night it is???
JOHN: hmm…
JOHN: i don’t know.
JOHN: why don’t you tell me…
JOHN: why this night is different from all other nights?
JADE: haha i knew you remembered!!!
JOHN: it does sometimes overlap with my birthday!
JOHN: and i guess the destruction of earth now.
JOHN: wow…
JOHN: uh…
JOHN: well were you thinking of doing anything for it?
JOHN: because in advance i am definitely not cleaning this place and i am not giving up bread again!
JADE: i already did a bunch of alchemising!

JOHN: wow, jade, this is a really nice set up!
JOHN: when did you do this before? i can’t imagine bec was very helpful.
JADE: haha no!
JADE: my grandpa did it with me a little before he died
JADE: but i barely remember that :/
JADE: actually, davesprite helped me with most of this!
JADE: and i watched a bunch of youtube videos

DAVESPRITE: so the bottles of this stuff say its kosher yeah
DAVESPRITE: but what i wanna know is
DAVESPRITE: is it really though
JADE: you raise a very compelling question!
DAVESPRITE: like gog knows ive alchemized some shitty bread from that thing
DAVESPRITE: i didnt see any of you two cleaning that thing before i used it
DAVESPRITE: but even if jade used her powers to yeet all the chametz into the sun so we knew it wasnt contaminated with that crap
DAVESPRITE: what even is the process of alchemizing
DAVESPRITE: say you want to alchemize some beef
DAVESPRITE: and youre a good jewish birdboy
DAVESPRITE: so you make sure its kosher slaughter certified
DAVESPRITE: but its not like its even coming from a real gog damn cow
DAVESPRITE: and what sort of magical nonexistent rabbis exist to bless this shit anyway
JOHN: dude, do any of us keep kosher anyway?
DAVESPRITE: well
DAVESPRITE: no
DAVESPRITE: but its the principle of the thing

JADE: davesprite why are there sweet bro and hella jeff illustrations in the hagadah!!
DAVESPRITE: no idea
DAVESPRITE: must be some sort of passover miracle

JOHN: whos supposed to hide the matzah and ask the questions since it turns out we all have the same birthday anyway?
JADE: well… davesprite has the months in the future
JADE: and i have jadesprite’s memories not to mention hanging out with dave for a few hours!
JADE: and you still landed last so you’re still the baby
JADE: the harder question is the matzah…
DAVESPRITE: ill do it
JOHN: so if we’re counting doomed timelines…
JOHN: what does that mean for what time in the year we celebrate stuff?
JOHN: should you have done this a few months ago, dave?
DAVESPRITE: dont be stupid its about the the calendar year not relative time
DAVESPRITE: mostly because if we did it the way youre suggesting wed be stuck with the worlds dumbest holiday schedule ever
DAVESPRITE: hey wait what are we gonna do for sukkot
DAVESPRITE: like how the hell are we supposed to see the stars here

JOHN: jade you know i love you and i appreciate all this so much, you don’t even know.
JOHN: but why the heck did you have to make geflitte fish??
JOHN: couldn’t we have left that one on earth?
JADE: what!
JADE: geflitte fish is the best
JOHN: back me up, dave.
JOHN: geflitte fish is the worst and we all know it.
DAVESPRITE: sorry dude
DAVESPRITE: im with jade on this

JADE: found the afikomen
DAVESPRITE: yeah there was basically no way this was happening any other way

JADE: i am really not sure elijah and miriam will be able to make it here!
JADE: or even which door to open!
JADE: maybe we should have done this on the ruins of earth…

JOHN: you know i guess we should be grateful it’s only three years!
JOHN: well, almost two years now.
JOHN: but way less than the israelites had to spend in the desert…
JADE: yeah…
JADE: but at least they had their whole people with them
DAVESPRITE: oh well
DAVESPRITE: next year in jerusalem bitches

JOHN: i wonder if the others did anything tonight.
JADE: probably not!
JADE: i mean can you imagine trying to get karkat to sit still for so long
JOHN: haha i guess i can’t.

Chapter 2: >Elsewhere in paradox space…

Notes:

This chapter is like, lowkey sacrilegious but if you wanted strict adherence to doctrine, you wouldn’t be reading Homestuck fanfiction.

ROSE: Dave and I have gathered everyone here today for the purposes of celebrating a very important Earth holiday known as Passover.
ROSE: You will all be graded on your multicultural sensitivity, so make sure to take copious notes.
ROSE: We will be commemorating the time our ancestors baked what might be politely described as “the world’s shittiest bread.”

KARKAT: HEY, WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE SYMBOLS?
DAVE: what
DAVE: you mean the hebrew?
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS.
KARKAT: BUT WHAT ARE THEY?
DAVE: its just another language
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
KARKAT: YOU MEAN HUMANS HAVE TWO?
KARKAT: WHAT SORT OF BACKWARDS ASS WAY TO COMMUNICATE IS THAT?
DAVE: oh man
DAVE: you have no idea
DAVE: yeah weve got at least two different languages
DAVE: one for when were being normal and talking to each other and one for when were being fancy and all that jazz
DAVE: check this out
DAVE: אני מדבר עברית, יו
DAVE: wait ok
DAVE: so trolls just have the one
DAVE: doesnt that get kind of
DAVE: boring
KARKAT: SO HUMANS INVENTED AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAY OF SPEAKING JUST TO BE… ENTERTAINING?
KARKAT: THAT’S SO WEIRD.
KARKAT: YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING WEIRD.
DAVE: yeah but our weird is better than your weird

ROSE: Terezi, leave some parsley and some salt water for the rest of the table.

KANAYA: Im Unsure I Understand This Whole First Born Concept
KANAYA: How Would This Effect More Than One
KANAYA: I Hope This Will Not Effect My Grade In Interspecies Relations I Have Been Meaning To Study Your Reproductive Processes But Have Not Yet Been Able To
VRISKA: Yeah I 8et you’ve 8een meaning to :::;)
KANAYA: What Is That Supposed To Mean

TEREZI: PSSSST

TEREZI: WH3R3 DO3S TH3 J3GUS COM3 IN
DAVE: hes a demon who tries to kill us about this time of year
DAVE: dw about him
DAVE: there arent any christians here to summon him so we should be good
TEREZI: WH4TS 4 CHR1ST14N

KARKAT: SO THIS IS WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL “BITTER.”
KARKAT: SEEMS KIND OF WEAK TO ME.
KARKAT: ITS REALLY NOT THAT BAD—
KARKAT: WAIT.
KARKAT: FUCK!
KARKAT: FUCK FUCK FUCK!
KARKAT: FUCK, I NEED WATER,
THAT’S SPICY, WHAT THE HELL!!
KARKAT: BITTER AND SPICY ARE TWO DIFFERENT TASTES!!!
DAVE: dude you have the tolerance for flavor of the pastiest british guy imaginable

TEREZI: SO H4V3 YOU 3NCOUNT3R3D 3L1J4H 1N TH3 DR34M BUBBL3S Y3T?
ROSE: I… don’t think so?

DAVE: hey is it just me or is kanayas “wine” something a bit more
DAVE: bloody
DAVE: cuz i am pretty sure that is not kosher
DAVE: also whose blood is that anyway
ROSE: Best not to ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.
DAVE: oh my fucking gog that is so totally your blood isnt it
ROSE: I plead the Fifth.
ROSE: Or I would if we were in a context where saying that would make any sense at all.

TEREZI: H3Y 3V3RYON3 1 FOUND TH3 34RTH HUM4N FL4T LO4F!
TEREZI: TH1S M34NS T34M SCOURG3 H4S OFF1C14LLY WON P4SSOV3R!!
KANAYA: We Will Get You Next Year Pyrope
KANAYA: The Flighty Broads Will Have Our Revenge

KANAYA: I Really Do Not Understand The Lyrics Of This Song.
KANAYA: I Was Under The Impression That Earth Purrbeasts Were Rather Small And Not Capable Of Eating Something As Large As A Livestock Beast

DAVE: so do you think that maybe fucking with them like this will have any unintended consequences further down the line
DAVE: like maybe rapping the haggadah is going to become the official version of judaism wherever we end up
DAVE: and dont get me wrong that rules but i dunno if im ready for that sort of responsibility
DAVE: like were basically the 21st century talmudic sages
DAVE: if the sages dropped sick beats
DAVE: which i guess we cant prove they didnt
DAVE: but really
DAVE: did we just fuck up judaism forever
ROSE: I wouldn’t worry about unintended consequences too much if I were you.
DAVE: for some mysterious reason im not reassured

Chapter 3: > One counting of the Omer later.

Summary:

Happy Shavuot! Ignore the fact it's been a few weeks!

Notes:

TW for off hand references to hot button political issues, also suicide in a god tier way.

TEREZI: SO YOU GUYS R34LLY H4V3 4N 3NT1R3 HOL1D4Y D3D1C4T3D JUST TO D41RY? >:0
DAVE: hmmm
DAVE: yeah more or less
DAVE: and this big old book
DAVE: but mostly dairy
DAVE: the fact most of us are and were lactose intolerant should probably get in the way but hey nobody ever said humans make great decisions
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T L4CTOS3 1S
TEREZI: 1S TH1S SOM3 N3W TYP3 OF 34RTH HUM4N R4C1SM???
DAVE: yeah totally
DAVE: we had to fight so many wars over it you would not imagine
TEREZI: W3LL ANYW4Y 1M NOT SUR3 WH3TH3R 1 SHOULD B3 R3L13V3D OR S4D TH4T 3QU1US 1SN’T H3R3 TO H34R 4BOUT TH1S.
DAVE: equius?
DAVE: which one was that
TEREZI: HMMM
TEREZI: COME TO TH1NK OF 1T 1 H4V3 ABSOLUT3LY NO 1D34 1F H3 3V3R T4LK3D TO 4NY OF YOU GUYS!!
TEREZI: 1F 1 S4Y TH3 MUSCL3B34ST GUY W1LL TH4T M34N 4NYTH1NG TO YOU
DAVE: oh fuck
TEREZI: OK SO H3 D1D
DAVE: man what happened to him
DAVE: he was weird but kind of fun
DAVE: or terrifying idk
TEREZI: G4MZEE
DAVE: how the fuck did you guys kill so many of each other
DAVE: how long were you even on this meteor anyway
TEREZI: 1N OUR D3F3NS3
TEREZI: Y34H
TEREZI: OK TH3R3S NOT R34LLY 4NY D3F3NS3 TH4T M4K3S TH1S LOOK B3TT3R 1S TH3R3
DAVE: not really

TEREZI SO WH4T W4S TH3 BOOK 4NYW4Y
DAVE: huh?
TEREZI: YOU S41D WH3N YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT SH4VUOT 34RL13R TH3R3 W4S 4 BOOK
TEREZI: 1S 1T TH3 S4M3 ON3 4S FROM P4SSOV3R

DAVE: yeah sort of
DAVE: but longer
DAVE: that was just a little snippet of it
DAVE: put to sick beats of course because who do you think i am
DAVE: well sicker beats
DAVE: its pretty boring though
DAVE: lots of lists and laws and shti
DAVE: oh who am i kidding you love laws leviticus would be right up your alley
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: im gonna have to make you a copy and soon youre gonna be bosing everyone around saying we cant have garments of wool and linen anymore
DAVE: and youre gonna want to rebuild the temple and cause a geopolitical incident oh shit
DAVE: except you cant cause everyone whod give a crap about that is already dead so ig its fine
DAVE: hell the whole temple mount is probably a crater right now anyway
DAVE: guess that’s up to john and jade though
TEREZI: D4V3 TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY BOOKS 1NVOLV3D W1TH YOUR CULTUR3
DAVE: yeah right
DAVE: some of us even read them

KANAYA: Why Are They Doing This Again
KANAYA: Did The Wife Sister Ruse Work Out That Well Last Time
KANAYA: Could We Not Elaborate Slightly On The Whole Tower That Made God So Angry He Made Every Human Speak Different Languages Thing

KANAYA: Do We Really Have To Spend So Much Time On This

KARKAT: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR HUMAN STOMACH TONIGHT DAVE

KARKAT: WHY IS IT SO FUCKING LOUD??
DAVE: religiously mandated icecream
ROSE: Did you forget to alchemize Lactaid?
DAVE: shut up
DAVE: shouldn’t the whole god tier thing be making this a moot point anyway
DAVE: like how is a god not able to metabolize a little bit of lactose
ROSE: Beats me.
ROSE: You could try dying and seeing if that fixes your problems.
DAVE: at this rate im pretty sure thatd count as heroic
DAVE: sparing everyone my bowel distress via sepuku and all that
DAVE: where have you been anyway
DAVE: we havent seen you all night
ROSE: I’ve been studying Torah with Kanaya.
ROSE: Besides, I didn’t want to interupt whatever this was.
DAVE: yeah right
DAVE: what have you two actually been doing
DAVE: sloppy make out seshs
DAVE: dont think i havent noticed you two making eyes at each other
ROSE: Why Dave, I have no idea what you mean. 

ROSE: I’m simply being such a good Jewish girl and performing the mitzvah with a good friend.
DAVE: bullshit
DAVE: you two are up to something
KARKAT: OH MY GOG
KARKAT: CAN YOU GO BACK TO IT JUST BEING YOUR STOMACH THATS MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE IM TRYING TO WORK ON SOMETHING HERE

ROSE: I’ll be gone in a second. Just picking something up.

KANAYA: I Wish That We Trolls Had A Text Such As This One So That We Could Compare Notes In Regards To Such Culturally Significant Documents
KANAYA: Unfortunately Much Of Troll Literature And Other Important Documents Have Been Heavily Censored
KANAYA: I Doubt Something Of This Import Would Have Survived
KANAYA: Particularly Not Unaltered
ROSE: I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read from troll authors.
KANAYA: You Dont Need To Pretend To Like My Trashy Romance Novels In Order To Appease Me I Am Aware Of Their Quality
ROSE: I think they say a lot.
ROSE: Also, I’ve alchemized copies of some works with Dave’s help 

ROSE: Not to mention Mindfang’s journals.

ROSE: Maybe not the exact same, but they still say a lot about Alternia. I’ve enjoyed them greatly.
KANAYA: I Am Surprised Vriska Allowed You To Borrow Those

KANAYA: They Are Quite Important To Her
ROSE: “Allowed” might be a strong word.
ROSE: She’s stolen more than her fair share of my research materials anyway. I’d say it’s only fair.
KANAYA: Oh Is This What The Two Of You Were Arguing About A Month Ago
ROSE: No, that was significantly dumber.
ROSE: Where were we?
KANAYA: I Believe You Were Explaining The Significance Of The Recurring Pillar Motif
KANAYA: And Their Freudian Implications In Regards To The Earlier Well Motif

KANAYA: I Must Say Im Not Quite Sure How We Got Here
ROSE: Don’t worry, from what I understand, getting incredibly off topic is an absolutely vital part of the process.
ROSE: It’s not about the Torah you study, it’s about the Torah you don’t.

ROSE: Kind of like jazz in that way.
KANAYA: I See
ROSE: I’ve got to see the notes you’ve been taking by the end of this.
KANAYA: Perhaps
KANAYA: But Please Continue
ROSE: Of course.

VRISKA: Are you two STILL going in there????????
KANAYA: Yes We Are
KANAYA: Would You Care To Join Us
VRISKA: 8ooooooooring!!!!!!!!
ROSE: Oh, but we were just getting to the bit with all the conquering.
VRISKA: Last time I checked in on you nerds, you were talking about which parts of Earth livestock get to 8e sacrificed to who and when.
ROSE: We’re done with that section, at least for now. This bit's much more interesting, if you don't have the patience for legal details.
KANAYA: Rose I Was Mostly Being Polite
KANAYA: I Doubt She Will Actually Be Interested
VRISKA: Ok well now I’m sticking around just to show it to you, Miss Fussyfangs!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I’ll study your Torah, I’ll study it the 8est anyone ever has
KANAYA: I Am Sure You Will

KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TELL HOW LONG TO WAIT BETWEEN EATING MEAT AND DAIRY ANYWAY
KARKAT: LIKE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO START A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK?
TEREZI: K4RK4T DONT B3 4N 1GNOR4MOUS TH1S 1S CL34RLY WH3R3 TH3 D1FF3R3NT STR41NS COM3 IN

VRISKA: Wow this surprisingly doesn’t suck
ROSE: Thank you, I’ll be sure to pass that on to Gd next time I see Him.
VRISKA: You do that Lalonde

DAVE: oh damn they really were studying torah huh
TEREZI: SM3LLS L1K3 1T

Notes:

Copied and pasted directly from the out of context Torah study text channel on a discord I'm in:
"WELLS? YONIC
PILLARS? PHALLIC
TORAH? SOLVED"

Chapter 4: ==>

JOHN: jade, can you even have dairy anymore?
JOHN: with the whole dog thing, I mean.
JADE: it should be fine!
JADE: i had some chocolate a few weeks ago and that wasnt a problem
JOHN: jade.
JADE: what?
JADE: ive been having normal human food this entire time, remember?
JOHN: oh, yeah.
JOHN: sorry.

JADE: can you even have it?
JADE: arent you lactose intolerant?
JOHN: hmm.
JOHN: maybe?
JOHN: i am a god tier now.
JOHN: wait, aren’t you too?

JADE: nope!
JADE: never have been

DAVESPRITE: so like
DAVESPRITE: do either of you actually know what this is supposed to be like
DAVESPRITE: john you had the most normal upbringing how are we supposed to study this
JADE: i actually remember doing some of this with rose!
JOHN: with rose, really?
JADE: yup
JADE: well its more like one of us would occasionally come across something in our reading and we would have discussions!
JADE: so less of a sit down marathon but i still think it counts
JADE: she made everything about dicks all the time!
JOHN: yeah, that sounds like rose alright!
JADE: there were also some conversations in the dream bubbles from when my dream self was dead!
JOHN: wow, i did not know this about either of you.
DAVESPRITE: oh did you guys know rose speaks hebrew
DAVESPRITE: like not memorizing a few prayers speaks hebrew but full on can have a conversation in it
JADE: that sounds pretty familiar… i think my dream self did.
JOHN: not at all!
JOHN: it seems like i’m pretty out of the loop on my rose lore!
DAVESPRITE: didnt you ever poke through her books at all
JOHN: no, dave, i did not creep through one of my closest friends’ belongings.
JOHN: you better not have done that to me too!
DAVESPRITE: of course i didnt who do you think youre talking to
JOHN: you totally did didnt you
DAVESPRITE: yeah of course
JADE: i think we might have gotten a little off topic…
JOHN: a little!
JADE: maybe we should just… start at the beginning?
DAVESPRITE: you guys have fun with that
JOHN: what, c’mon, you aren’t gonna study torah with us?
DAVESPRITE: lame
DAVESPRITE: by which i mean its cool you two are into it but ive got other shit to do
DAVESPRITE: have fun dorks
JOHN: aww

JOHN: jade you knew about all the game stuff before we ever started playing, right?

JADE: well not all about it!
JADE: it turns out i knew very little when it came to the things that mattered most
JADE: but i knew more than you dave and rose did when we started playing!
JADE: why?
JOHN: i’m just wondering how you squared all this with that.
JOHN: like how was the world made in seven days if it was also a frog and made by karkat and the trolls?
JADE: hm… i didnt know the details of the frog thing or the trolls making our universe
JADE: i dont know if it ever really occurred to me to think about the game in connection with this stuff though
JADE: its not like the torah is supposed to be completely accurate anyway…
JADE: i definitely do not think that the trolls took a break on the seventh day
JOHN: karkat definitely didn’t!
JOHN: talk about a guy who’s always on.
JADE: shabbat might have been good for him!
JOHN: maybe but i think it might just have made him angrier.
JADE: youre probably right

 JADE: with the frog thing i guess theres that bit in exodus
JOHN: oh yeah!
JOHN: the plague of frog…
JOHN: wait, wait.
JOHN: very important question.
JADE: im waiting!
JOHN: many frogs or one giant frog. go.
JADE: i always liked the idea it was one normal sized frog

JADE: who was very busy!
JADE: but maybe it was a very big frog
JADE: i think rose said at one point shed read something that said some people believe the whole plague thing was actually a volcano erupting
JADE: and that would cause weird effects like the soot making things dark insects acting weird
JADE: but i dont know if that was true or not
JADE: or at all coming from a reliable source
JOHN: i have no idea.
JADE: yup
JADE: does knowing all this stuff about the universe change things for you?
JOHN: i don’t know!
JOHN: i hadn’t thought about it much until now.
JOHN: should it?

JOHN: you know, i had to take a bite out of an apple to enter the session.
JADE: yeah…
JADE: it doesnt say anything in the text about it being an apple though
JADE: just a fruit!
JOHN: oh, huh.
JOHN: you’re right.
JADE: when i pointed that out to rose she went on a whole tirade about yonic symbolism!
JOHN: that sounds like her, alright!
JOHN: i miss those guys.
JADE: yeah me too

JOHN: come to think of it, do you think calling ourselves gods is ok?
JOHN: like should we not be doing that?
JADE: hmm
JADE: i dont think anyone actually thinks were calling ourselves god with a capitol g
JADE: its just a name for a thing
JADE: we cant help what the game calls things
JOHN: yeah, i guess we all get that here!

 JOHN: i’m not sure what else we’d call it anyway.
JOHN: special death induced power up?
JOHN: god tier just rolls off the tongue better!

JOHN: have you read this thing all the way through?
JADE: nope!
JADE: at least i dont think so
JADE: ive tried before but some of it was when i was asleep
JADE: and im not sure whether or not to count that
JADE: especially since im pretty sure my dream copy was different!
JOHN: different? how?
JADE: i dont remember… not entirely
JADE: but theres been some bits in here that surprise me for being different!
JADE: I’ll let you know when we get to one.

JOHN: man, some of these sections are just so short!
JADE: i know!
JOHN: and then other bits are really long, too.
JADE: they really are…

DAVESPRITE: you guys still going?
JOHN: yes?
JOHN: probably!
DAVESPRITE: probably
JADE: well we might have gotten a little bit sidetracked
DAVESPRITE: no shit really
DAVESPRITE: in torah study
DAVESPRITE: for real
JOHN: oh shush, you got distracted before we even started.