Chapter Text
It could have been worse, Jennie thought to herself as she walked along an unfamiliar street following the directions on her phone.
She didn’t know what she had been expecting, but finding out that the restaurant Lisa had been secretly working at was hardly ten minutes away from her house was not that surprising. Even when she had to pick a second job, Lisa made sure it was conveniently placed in her life.
She could have been cheating on me. That would have been worse.
Somehow, the various excuses Jennie managed to come up with in the brief walk to the place didn’t make her feel any less angry.
Jennie didn’t want to be angry. She wanted to be someone Lisa could trust, someone she could rely on. Jennie wanted to be the one offering help this time, in the same way Lisa had helped her when she was feeling lost.
But after she heard Jisoo’s version of the story, Jennie couldn’t help the quiet sense of betrayal that settled over her. It was a feeling she never had to associate with Lisa before, yet there it was, mixed with everything else. And even then, her worry for Lisa still outweighed any other feeling.
The restaurant didn’t have a bell like Chaeyoung’s café. The door was painted white, with an ‘OPEN’ sign at the front. If she had been there for any other reason, Jennie would have at least tried to smile at the waiter welcoming her in.
Looking around, Jennie could definitely tell that some of the customers didn’t just walk in at six in the morning like she had. The man that fell asleep on the table she walked past definitely had a heavy drinking night, if the multiple empty bottles of soju around him were anything to go by.
But for the most part, the place seemed to have shifted from its late-night business to their breakfast service. Jisoo had told her that it was mostly a BBQ restaurant during the day, but given that it was one of the few places in the area that stayed open all night, it also turned into a drinking hotspot for those with no plans of going to sleep.
Lisa was one of those people, although for different reasons.
Jennie spotted her behind the cash machine, almost in the same way she first met her months ago. From her slumped posture, she assumed the girl was sitting on a chair behind it. The restaurant seemed to have a simple dress code, not a uniform. Lisa wore a long-sleeved white shirt under the black apron, her hair up in a high ponytail instead of having a cap on her head.
But unlike the bored look she had when Jennie first walked into the fast-food place, Lisa looked extremely exhausted. So much that she didn’t even perceive the presence of a new customer right in front of her. Jennie didn’t know whether she should feel anger or sadness, ending up with a combination of both.
But she couldn’t let it show. Not when she had to ask Lisa about the meaning of it all without breaking down.
“How healthy would you consider your food?”
Lisa’s eyes shot up in an instant at the sound of her voice. She pushed back the chair and stood abruptly, unable to mask the shock in her face.
“Jennie.”
Jennie didn’t want to hear her name. It always sounded better when Lisa said it. Even when her voice sounded so drained.
“What?” Jennie crossed her arms. “Are you not going to ask if I’m a food hygiene inspector this time?”
“I—"
“Could I get the total?” a lady with a child approached, pausing next to her.
Lisa’s eyes darted between Jennie and the customer. Jennie sighed tiredly, but soon stepped away to let the woman pay.
After all, Lisa’s top priority seemed to be making money these days.
“How did you find out?” she asked once they were in proximity again.
Jennie laughed dryly. “Certainly not the way I wish I would have.”
“I didn’t—”
“Could I get extra eggs?” a man shouted from the other side of the restaurant.
Lisa pressed her lips together, getting more and more frustrated at the interruptions.
“Give me a moment!” she said, annoyance seeping through her words.
Then, an older lady came out of the kitchen area with a sceptical look, probably hearing the unusual amount of talking and suspecting that Lisa was slacking. From the way Lisa cursed under her breath, Jennie knew that the woman wasn’t exactly the understanding type of boss. She must have been nothing like easy-going Ryujin.
Not only was Lisa dealing with extra workload, but also unpleasant people to work with. Jennie clenched her jaw subtly before she put on her best smile.
“Good morning. I’m just here for a bottle of water,” she said smoothly, reaching into her purse and taking out a few notes. “And ten minutes to talk to you cashier, if you’d kindly let us.”
While the woman was ready to protest, a quick glance at the amount of cash Jennie placed on the counter was enough to shut her up. She yelled at someone in the back to come and take over the cashier role, letting Lisa go easily.
How ironic. Maybe that was why Lisa worried so much. Some people were bought over so easily.
When they both walked outside through a staff-only door, Jennie found herself in a quiet alleyway. It would have been cute and intimate to sneak out with her girlfriend if it were any other day. A day where Lisa didn’t appear like she was absolutely losing her mind.
It was an unexpected visit, so the least she could do was give Lisa some time to freak out, Jennie thought.
Lisa paced back and forth, while Jennie simply leaned her back against the closed door, waiting in silence.
“How did you find out?” she asked once again.
“Is that the only thing that worries you? That I found out?” Jennie rebutted.
“I didn’t—” Lisa sighed. “I promise I can explain.”
“In ten minutes? I don’t think so.”
“After my shift—”
“You have to go to the fast-food place. Unless you have other secret jobs around the city?”
“Jennie, please…”
“I will let you explain, don’t get me wrong,” Jennie laughed without a trace of amusement, “it’s the bare minimum you owe me. Don’t you think I deserve that?”
Lisa’s eyes softened. “Of course you do. I didn’t want to hide it, but…”
“But you did it anyway,” Jennie finished off.
At the end of the day, that was what hurt the most. The second job wasn’t the main issue—Jennie didn’t really have the right to be mad about Lisa’s personal choices.
But the lack of honesty upset her more than anything.
At least, Lisa looked guilty about it. Jennie hoped that she felt like it as well every time she lied to her about what she did in the mornings.
When Lisa couldn’t find the words to continue, Jennie took it as her cue to leave. Maybe having some time to collect their thoughts would benefit them.
A tight grip on her wrist prevented her from leaving.
“Wait, Jennie, I really am sorry…”
Jennie scoffed. “I should pay you for every single time you’ve said that to me the past month. You’d make as much as this job.”
“I had my reasons,” Lisa insisted.
“And you couldn’t have told me?” Jennie had to leave before she started to tear up, but it was just too frustrating. “You think I was just making small talk when I asked you if anything was wrong? That my mind would be at peace when you lied and said no?”
“I didn’t want you to get worried.”
“Well, guess what, you’ve only made things worse.”
----
Giving themselves some time to think their points through was definitely the best move. Jennie had learnt from the arguments she had throughout her life that discussions would always turn out better if people planned what to say in advance. It ensured that nothing important was left out.
When she messaged Lisa that she’d be seeing her tonight, Jennie wasn’t sure on what she wanted to hear. Mostly, she wanted Lisa to be upfront about the reasoning behind her need for extra income. From what Jisoo told her, Jennie could only assume that dating her was a major influence.
If Jennie tried to look at the bright side like Chaeyoung taught her, the fact that they were going to address the issue so early on in their relationship meant that they’d have time to fix it as well.
Lisa was fidgety when she opened the door. It was already past midnight, and the tiredness from that morning was still visible on her features. Jennie would have gladly suggested talking the day after if Lisa didn’t have to go through the exact same schedule again.
While Jennie wanted to show she was upset by everything, Lisa’s worried eyes and hesitant greeting when Jennie walked in were enough to soften her up.
Whether Lisa was aware of it or not, they had always been quite similar in that sense. Jennie couldn’t be angry at her either. Not for long, at least.
“You said you ate already but I got you strawberries and…” she gestured around the coffee table nervously, “I was going to make you tea, but you said you hate when caffeine keeps you up at night, so I got herbal tea on the way home. I don’t know if you’ll like it as much as the usual brand you take but I hope it’s fine.”
Not only was Lisa rambling, but she also avoided eye contact at all costs.
“Thank you. You really didn’t have to.”
“No, no, I wanted to,” Lisa shook her head, walking around the table to sit on the sofa. She patted the space next to her. “Sit with me. Please.”
Jennie joined her on the sofa, watching the constant shaking of Lisa’s leg as she did so.
“Were you worried I’d leave too soon?” she asked gently, placing her hand on Lisa’s knee to stop the anxious movement.
“I…,” Lisa’s gaze dropped to her knee, moving her hand to rest on top of Jennie’s. She allowed their fingers to intertwine and lifted their joined hands slightly, just enough to let the other slide underneath, effectively preventing Jennie from pulling away. “I still am.”
“You don’t have to be. You should know by now that I prefer talking rather than avoiding issues.”
Lisa nodded understandingly, but the guilt in her eyes never faded. It must have felt awful to deal with this conversation alongside her exhaustion, and Jennie really wished she could have helped. If only Lisa told her how to.
“And I’m sorry for cornering you this morning. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Lisa waved off the apology with a small shake of her head, her gaze still locked on their hands.
Jennie used her index to gently turn Lisa’s chin towards her, until she could finally look into her eyes.
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“The beginning is always a good starting point, don’t you think?”
“Which beginning?” Lisa said, “there’s too many to count.”
“When did you start a second job?” Jennie questioned. Maybe if she walked Lisa through the thought process behind it, she’d find it easier to explain.
“Not too long ago. About four or five weeks,” Lisa answered hesitantly.
Even if Jennie urged herself to keep it together, the expression of hurt showed on her face before she could do anything to stop it. Jisoo was right, after all.
“After we started dating,” Jennie stated the obvious.
“It’s not you, Jennie,” Lisa was quick to add.
“That’s what they always say, no?” Jennie smiled sadly. “You never felt the need to earn more until we got together. How can it not be about me?”
“It’s not what you think. Having you in my life just made me want to do… better.”
“Better in what? We were doing fine before. When we were just friends.”
No matter how much she tried to wrap her head around it, Jennie couldn’t figure out what made Lisa ever think that she wasn’t good enough. Saying that she did it all for her wasn’t helping either.
“Exactly. But we’re not just friends anymore. I want to be the girlfriend you deserve.”
“And what is it that I deserve, exactly? An exhausted girlfriend that barely makes time to see me? Or a girlfriend that hides things from me?”
“See? I knew you wouldn’t understand if I told you,” Lisa stated. “You think we can just stay the way we were before.”
“I liked how we were. Money was never part of it.”
“It’s easy for you to say.”
“How so?”
“You just show up with expensive gifts and easily win people over.”
“Is this about the cameras?” Jennie furrowed her eyebrows. “I genuinely just wanted you to keep doing what you love. I never meant to use them as a way to show off.”
“And I will never be able to do the same for you. Not with the life I have.”
“I never said I wanted the same from you,” Jennie said in a sharp tone, annoyed that everything circled back to Lisa wanting to return her gift. “Is that how you feel every time I give you something? That you owe me in return?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me!” Jennie pulled Lisa’s hand to her lap now, holding it just like Lisa had been doing with hers. “Make me understand, please.”
“I’m not like you. I can’t pay for a date or a gift without calculating whether I can afford rent or bills after.”
“I never said you had to. I’m more than happy to pay for everything as long as I get to spend time with you.”
“But do you know how that feels for me, huh?” Lisa let go of her hand, standing up and walking as far from Jennie as she could.
“Lisa,” Jennie called softly.
“Having a girlfriend and—and seeing your eyes light up at the sight of something and not being able to go ahead and buy it for you.”
Jennie wanted to interrupt again, afraid that Lisa’s choked-up voice might lead to tears.
Lisa didn’t let her.
“I can’t take you out and tell you to pick anything you want off the menu saying it’s on me. I can’t show up at your door with a fancy bouquet of flowers because seeing the price tag alone gives me a fucking heart attack,” she laughed dryly, “I can’t go with you to these luxury fashion shows like your ex used to because I can’t even afford a plane ticket, let alone wear designer clothes so that you wouldn’t feel embarrassed being seen with me. I can’t do any of that, Jennie. Not a single thing.”
Alongside her dejected smile, the utter pain in Lisa’s teary eyes broke Jennie’s heart in ways she hadn’t felt for a long time.
“Lisa…” she stood up, afraid to approach the other girl without losing composure herself, “you don’t need to do any of that for me. All I ever wanted was to be with you. Nothing else, truly.”
“But I want to, Jennie. I want to give you so much,” Lisa said. “I wake up and see how miserable my life is and how you only deserve better.”
“And look what happened because of it,” Jennie said, gesturing between them. “You’re exhausted. You get irritated by every little thing. We’re not even spending time together because you’re simply too tired to do anything. Is that what I deserve?”
“No. You should be with someone that can give you the world like I only say I could. But I’m selfish and I don’t want you to be with someone else,” Lisa shook her head. “I want you to be with me, Jennie.”
There was a clear issue in the way Lisa viewed their relationship, making her feel like she wasn’t on Jennie’s level. Jennie had never even considered their financial difference as a problem, until Lisa brought it up.
And until they resolved this, they couldn’t move forward.
But from the way Jennie saw it, the main obstacle was painfully obvious. It always had been.
“If that’s how you really feel, then doubling your workload is not the answer. And if you’d let me, I’d like to help.”
“You don’t need to get involved. I’m handling it.”
“Like hell you are.”
“I don’t know how to do anything else, can’t you see?” Lisa rebutted. “I’m not like you or Jisoo. I never made it to the career I wanted. I failed. I’m stuck with working whatever job I can to make up for it.”
“I understand that. But your body has limits like the rest of us. If you had told me about it, I—”
“You would have offered to use your money instead?”
“No. I would have told you to aim higher.”
“What?”
“Settling for anything won’t satisfy you in the long run,” Jennie explained. “I know a couple of people, Lisa. The photography department at my company is not hiring at the moment, but Jackson Wang, someone I work closely with, is willing to take an assistant upon my recommendation.”
“I’m not a fashion photographer.”
“You don’t have to be,” Jennie clarified. “This is just a chance to get your foot in the door.”
“And you’re giving it to me just like that. On a silver platter.”
“You said it’s all you needed. One single chance to prove yourself. I’m giving that to you.”
“No, Jennie. You’re just proving my point. I have nothing to offer. I’ll always be taking whatever you have to give to me.”
“You know that’s not true,” Jennie shook her head. “And honestly? It hurts. Being in a relationship means we care about each other, Lisa. I’m allowed to worry about you. Yet every time I try to help, you make me feel like I’m not being fair, like I’m doing something wrong.”
“Jennie…”
“How do you think I felt when I heard that dating me was a financial burden to you?” Jennie said, her voice breaking. “How could I not feel responsible when I’m part of the problem?”
“That’s not…” Lisa shook her head, “It’s not like that. I’m the one who hasn’t been fair, because I got to be with the girl of my dreams, while you get just Lisa, nothing more.”
“And that’s enough!” Jennie cried out. “For me, that’s enough. Even though clearly, it isn’t for you.”
“I don’t want to be enough. I want to be everything.”
“Who said you aren’t?”
Conflicting emotions flickered across Lisa’s face, as though she didn’t quite believe Jennie’s words, but desperately wished she could.
“I just… I just want what’s best for you, Jennie.”
“And what about you? What does Lalisa Manoban deserve? What is best for you?”
Lisa’s silence was enough of an answer.
“You want to be miserable and keep working two jobs you hate? Fine. But I won’t stand by it.”
“Are you saying we’re done?”
While clear issues had been brought up in their conversation, breaking up was never on the table for Jennie. Being with Lisa made her the happiest she’d ever been in a relationship. And Lisa had never needed to rely on money to achieve that.
Just Lisa, she had said. The same kind and caring Lisa that effortlessly won Jennie’s heart, the one that got to know her and understand her in ways not many could.
Perhaps that was where Jennie got it all wrong. Lisa really didn’t see her.
She didn’t see the way Jennie’s tone immediately brightened the moment Lisa called her. She didn’t perceive the way Jennie’s heart warmed when Lisa could recall all of her tiny preferences—from keeping notes of her favourite drinks, to turning up the volume whenever one of Jennie’s top songs played on the radio, or even wearing a specific jacket more frequently simply because Jennie said it looked good on her.
Those weren’t grand gestures, but they were the ones that mattered the most.
Lisa did it all without ever being asked. She knew when Jennie needed to see her, always reaching her wherever she was and unintentionally fixing anything that felt wrong. She sensed when Jennie was being too hard on herself, reassuring her with the gentlest of words. Even during moments of calm silence, when the world seemed to slow down around them, a simple touch of her hand made Jennie feel like everything was exactly as it was meant to be.
All because of just Lisa.
How had Lisa said those words with such disdain when just Lisa gave Jennie the certainty that she found the right person?
And yet, Jennie had come to the sad realisation that she couldn’t say the same about herself for Lisa.
Lisa watched her with fragile eyes, as though Jennie was one step away from making her entire world fall apart. With a resigned smile, Jennie approached the girl she adored so much, tenderly cupping her jaw to deliver one final kiss to her cheek.
Lisa let out a deep exhale at the soft touch, fingers hesitantly reaching for Jennie’s elbow, but never quite making it.
“I’m saying that you can come back to me once you figure out what really makes you happy. Because clearly, it’s not me.”
----
Romance movies always put together a cute little montage whenever a couple was going through a break. It helped to speed up the time spent apart, highlighting how much they missed each other throughout. Jennie loved to watch them. The parallels between scenes alongside the slow background music always made it extra romantic in her eyes.
Unfortunately, real life was not a cute little montage.
Jennie was stuck feeling every second she spent away from Lisa. There was no way to skip forward to their reunion or take a peek into Lisa’s life and see if she was dealing with their break as badly as Jennie was.
It was simply unbearable.
Lisa didn’t attempt to contact her. Jennie didn’t either.
What had become a comfortable routine for Jennie turned into a reminder of what she was supposed to avoid. She steered clear of her phone during her breaks at work, worried that she might dial Lisa’s number out of habit. She made sure to avoid the way that passed through Lisa’s area, eliminating the chances of them running into each other. She didn’t even want to see her from afar, too afraid that what she would witness might differ from what she was expecting.
What if Lisa was moving on with her life? As if a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.
The thought alone was unpleasant enough not to risk it.
Chaeyoung took care of her, almost exactly like she did after her breakup with Taeyang. She showed up at her door and planned a girls’ evening to cheer her up. She offered to stay over a couple of days. She went and bought anything Jennie craved for. For the most part, it helped to keep Jennie distracted.
Every time the Lisa topic came up, Chaeyoung would tell her not to worry about it. She insisted that everything will sort itself out with time. After all, they didn’t actually break up.
“Then why does it feel like we did?” was all Jennie could say.
It had not even been a year since her last breakup. If she had known that dating Lisa would have only led to pain, Jennie would’ve never pursued her. She would have preferred keeping their friendship intact.
Perhaps that was what scared Jennie the most. If Lisa decided that she was better off without Jennie, they would never be able to go back to being friends.
Surprisingly, Jisoo also started to become a more present figure in Jennie’s life. Sometimes she’d be at Chaeyoung’s café in the afternoon, other times she’d come along with Chaeyoung to have dinner at Jennie’s place. They got on well.
While Jennie wanted to believe their biggest connection was her best friend, she also couldn’t help but be reminded of Lisa every time she saw Jisoo. She never dared to ask anything about her. And yet, Jisoo could understand what was going through her mind with a simple look.
Jennie wasn’t sure if she was being too optimistic, but it seemed like Jisoo didn’t think Jennie was a negative influence in Lisa’s life. Although she was aware of their break, Jisoo had shown nothing but support. So, when Jennie finally got the courage to ask about Lisa, Jisoo answered honestly.
That was how Jennie found out that Lisa wasn’t around anymore.
Jisoo insisted that it wasn’t a cause of concern, that Lisa simply had to take care of herself for some time. Jennie didn’t dare to question where Lisa went, knowing that the temptation to find her would be too strong.
And so, Jennie was left completely and utterly helpless.
With nothing to be done about her love life, Jennie could only put her entire focus on her career. After all, her job waited for no one. Not even for her heart to fix itself.
The buzzing of the coffee machine invaded her thoughts.
It was the fourth coffee she was making that day. Somehow, it seemed like the only reasonable excuse to avoid going into the studio.
“What are you doing?”
Jennie almost dropped her paper cup. Mina stood behind her with crossed arms, inspecting the drink in Jennie’s hands.
“It’s helping me.”
“Helping you with what? Having a heart attack?”
“That wouldn’t be so bad right now.”
It wasn’t even her fault. Stylist Lee just had to get sick on the day Taeyang was coming in. As if he couldn’t pick another day to get pneumonia. Jennie had not been able to think clearly since she got the news that morning. The absence was too sudden, meaning that they couldn’t get a replacement stylist, and Jennie was left on her own.
“You’re not alone. Jackson will be there.”
“Yeah, at the very end,” Jennie mumbled.
They had a one-hour slot to plan the outfits for the photoshoot, get Taeyang’s measurements for them, and have Jackson take a few preview photos to send to the photographer at Vogue.
“Is he there already?” she asked as she stepped away from the coffee machine.
“He showed up fifteen minutes early.”
As usual, Taeyang was painfully punctual.
The walk to the studio didn’t help ease Jennie’s mind. She could feel her heartbeat picking up in her chest, making her even more aware of her nerves. Mina followed closely behind, her quiet presence being the only solace Jennie had in that moment.
When she pushed the doors open, Jennie didn’t know what she expected. Taeyang stood up abruptly at her entrance, bowing like it was the first time they met.
He had let his hair grow out, Jennie noted. His bangs didn’t fall over his eyes anymore, they were now long enough to be parted in the middle and adorn his face perfectly. Even the hair at the back reached his neck.
It suited him, that post-breakup glow.
“Hello,” he greeted politely.
Jennie’s throat suddenly felt dry. She had not spoken to him since he called her on the phone about his ruined car. They were now in a very different setting, supposedly far away from their personal matters.
Thankfully, Mina was already two steps ahead. She guided Taeyang to where the pieces of the new collection were displayed for him to try on.
Jennie finished her coffee in long gulps. She tossed the empty cup in a nearby bin and took a deep breath before she approached her ex. It was time to show her utmost professional attitude.
Like herself, Taeyang had an eye for fashion. He easily pointed out which clothes would complement his figure the most, facilitating the first stage of their session without a stylist around. Jennie’s first words to him were ones of agreement. And when she faced him properly, she saw the look of gratitude in his eyes.
Perhaps the nerves were mutual. Jennie had waited for any indication of hidden resentment, whether it was for their relationship or the vandalising of his car. It would have made it easier to confront him given that Jennie had the tendency to match the energy she received. If Taeyang had been angry at her, she’d be free to give back the same sentiment.
“Could you step here for me?” she asked him.
Taeyang wordlessly walked towards the space she pointed to. Jennie didn’t look up, opening a drawer and pulling out a measuring tape instead.
The next stage was pretty clear.
Taeyang unbuttoned his blazer and shrugged it off his shoulders. Mina took it from his hands when he looked around awkwardly, unsure of where to place it.
“Do you need me to…?” he gestured to the rest of his clothes.
It felt surreal to have to tell her ex to undress himself.
“Just the shirt,” Mina answered for her. “And shoes, please.”
Taeyang did as he was told.
Jennie stepped right in front of him, not wanting to prolong this moment any longer. The sooner they’d start, the sooner they’d be done for good.
“Arms out,” she instructed.
She reached around his torso, positioning the tape across his chest.
“You’re stiff as a log,” Jennie whispered, holding the ends of the tape with her fingers. She read the numbers out to Mina, who noted them down.
“I’m trying my best, believe it or not,” Taeyang replied quietly, looking down at her while she repeated the motion on his waist.
When Jennie didn’t respond and moved on to his hips, he spoke again. “How’ve you been, Jennie?”
Jennie stepped around him and held the start of the tape at his neck. She traced her finger along its length down Taeyang’s back, pressing down briefly when she reached his waist and reading out the number to Mina once again.
For a moment, she contemplated being difficult. Why would Taeyang care about how she had been? It wasn’t his business anymore. But truthfully, Jennie didn’t have the strength to argue. It had been months, and clearly, Taeyang was over the pettiness as well.
“Fine,” she finally said over his shoulder. “You?”
“I’m good. It’s just been a while since…”
Jennie kneeled down and held the tape over the length of his leg. When she got back up, she showed him a tight smile. “Since you brutally dumped me out of the blue?”
As Taeyang’s lips parted to reply, Jennie cut him off. “Mina, we have a few minutes before Jackson shows up, correct?”
Mina shot her a confused look, her eyes darting between Jennie and Taeyang, unaware of what had been said in their hushed conversation. “Yes, I believe so.”
“Would you be so kind as to get our visitor an iced Americano? Without sugar or syrup, please.”
Mina agreed to the sudden request, leaving her notepad in the room before departing. Jennie watched the doors close before she reached for Taeyang’s white shirt. She threw it at his expectant arms, telling him to put it back on.
“You weren’t so repulsed by my bare chest before, were you?” Taeyang muttered under his breath, his fingers swiftly buttoning up.
“Just like you never used to think I wasn’t good enough when we were together, no?” Jennie mocked, leaning her back against a table and crossing her arms defensively.
There was no point in beating around the bush. They weren’t friends catching up. The only reason Jennie was willing to talk again was to address the big question mark in her relationship timeline with him.
Taeyang sighed. He brought his hands up to fix his collar, but still kept his eyes on Jennie.
“When I think about it, I regret going about things the way I did. You didn’t deserve that.”
Jennie nodded. “I appreciate you acknowledging it.”
“But I disagree with you saying it was out of the blue.”
“How so? You woke up one day and decided to end our relationship.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Jennie.” He stood with his hands on his hips, as if he already expected her to disagree. “You really didn’t notice?”
“No, I never saw it coming. We were doing pretty good in my eyes.”
“We got used to each other. That’s different.”
Jennie raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that what usually happens when you’re with someone for years?”
“We stopped caring, Jennie.”
“What?”
“For being together three years, we didn’t even act like a couple anymore,” Taeyang explained calmly. Like he thought it over multiple times.
It was a stark contrast to Jennie’s confused look.
“Care to elaborate?”
Taeyang pulled a nearby chair close and took a seat, reaching for his shoes.
“We barely spent time together,” he began saying as he tied his shoelaces, “and whenever you went away for trips, I didn’t even miss you anymore.”
Jennie wouldn’t say the words stung, but they did provoke a slight discomfort in her stomach. She didn’t try to argue. If she had received the same explanation the day he dumped her, it would have been more difficult to hear.
Once he finished putting on his shoes, he rested his elbows on his thighs and looked back at her. “And when you returned from those trips, you stopped telling me how things went. You didn’t even seem excited about being reunited.”
Jennie frowned. Now the accusations were directed at her.
“Sorry if I was too tired to tell you every little detail of my adventures,” she said sarcastically. “You really broke up with me because of that?”
“It wasn’t just that, damn it,” Taeyang huffed. “You didn’t like my friends. You didn’t like golf or motorsports or any of my hobbies. You didn’t even like the food I ate.”
He looked at her accusingly as he listed each point, daring her to deny any.
Jennie’s lips parted in surprise. She didn’t know Taeyang was aware of it. She thought she did her best to adapt to his life, even when she hated it.
“How did you…?”
“I’m not stupid, Jennie. I could tell that you went along with everything just to keep me happy. But how do you think that made me feel?”
Jennie’s heart dropped for an entirely different reason. Taeyang’s words were so familiar. She heard them from herself very recently. And somehow, the most devastating part was that Lisa’s defence was exactly her own.
“I just wanted you to like me,” Jennie admitted. “I thought that was the type of girl you wanted.”
“And you never thought about asking me? Jennie, I liked you as you were. I fell in love with you because you made me feel like I could touch the sky whenever I was around you.”
“So… what happened then? Where did I go wrong?”
“Why do you think it was something you did?”
“Isn’t that the reason? You were clearly upset with me.”
“I could have still made it work even if I was hurt. But that’s not the reason.”
“Then what is it? Why did you break up with me?”
“Well… I simply didn’t feel like I could touch the sky anymore.”
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Falling in love was one of the most wonderful things that someone could experience. The joy of finding someone who fit into your life like they were meant to be there was hard to match by any other feeling in the world. There wasn’t anything quite like it.
Jennie had once thought Taeyang was that person. In her mind, being with him for so long was proof that they could’ve handled anything that came their way. She had believed that if they continued to be the way they were, their love could have lasted a lifetime.
But the greatest mistake in her calculations was that love was not measured in proportion to time. Being together for longer did not necessarily mean that love grew stronger. Even worse, it didn’t guarantee that love would remain the same throughout.
Finding out that Taeyang fell out of love with her took some time to process.
When she compared it to her own perspective, Jennie thought that her feelings had just become less intense towards the end. She hadn’t felt the same excitement as when they first started dating, nor did she think about him as often. Perhaps that explained Taeyang’s observations as well.
But the more she thought of it, the more she started to understand.
The difference between her and Taeyang was that Jennie actually got comfortable.
She had not needed to feel love as intensely because she had been content with having someone in the first place. Even when he had not been on her mind when she was away from home, she still had someone to greet when she returned.
Taeyang didn’t share the same view. As soon as he felt the changes in their dynamics, he acted accordingly.
The biggest problem with Jennie was that she would have put up with a relationship that meant nothing for the sake of comfort. And in hindsight, it would have been a terrible mistake, dooming both herself and her partner to an unhappy future.
Going home on that day, Jennie couldn’t help but feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. How did she tell Lisa that she didn’t need to change herself to be with her, when she had done the same for Taeyang? Jennie even criticised her for not aiming for a better career. What reason would Lisa have to leave her comfort zone when Jennie had to be pushed away before leaving hers?
It was too much in so little time.
In times like this, she missed Lisa the most. The urge to pick up the phone and send off a message, just to ask her to come over like she used to, was growing stronger and stronger. But her main obstacle was the simple yet devastating fact that Lisa wasn’t around.
Jennie wondered if Lisa found happiness by leaving. If, like Taeyang, she had realised that they were destined to fail.
The negativity started to surround her completely. Days turned into weeks, and Jennie couldn’t feel anything. Her emotions started to become numb. She had nothing to look forward to anymore. She had dealt with Taeyang and got the answers she wanted. At last, she finally learnt the reason she got dumped.
But her Lisa wasn’t there for Jennie to share the news. The one that would have told her it was normal to fall out of love. The one that would have reminded her that she hadn’t done anything to deserve it. The one that would have reassured her their relationship was different, that it would never end in the same way.
It wasn’t until she woke up to multiple text messages that Jennie realised how fast time was passing.
Ella
Happy birthday!! Let’s eat together one of these days, my treat xx
07:02
Reading her sister’s message made Jennie rub her eyes, taking a closer look at the date on her phone to verify it was indeed her birthday.
Jennie certainly did not feel like it was her special day. Chaeyoung wasn’t even in the city to celebrate with her like the previous years. She had gone to visit Jisoo’s family, given that it was one of the doctor’s rare weeks off.
Realistically, Jennie had nothing to look forward to.
At work, her mood wasn’t any different. She accepted birthday wishes from a few coworkers throughout the day. Mina even dropped by her office during lunchtime to give her a box of fancy cupcakes, which Jennie made sure to share with her assistant and the others at the studio.
Her smile never reached her eyes.
After a day that felt hollow, Jennie thought she could finally stop pretending to be happy when she walked back to her apartment building, embracing the emptiness in her heart once again. But before she could reach the lift, the concierge stopped her and handed her a delivery box from a bakery.
On her way up to her apartment, Jennie had to bite her lip to stop herself from tearing up as she read Chaeyoung’s heartfelt message. In very neat handwriting, she expressed how grateful she was to have Jennie as her best friend, promising she’ll always be there for the good and the ugly parts of her life.
Maybe it was the timing, but Jennie started to feel more emotional than she expected after reading those words. Chaeyoung must have known she needed to hear them. Even when she wasn’t with her, having her best friend’s support meant the world to Jennie.
And when she opened the box, Jennie couldn’t stop her first, genuine smile. Chaeyoung had got her the red velvet cake they always shared on her birthday, Jennie’s favourite.
When she woke up that morning, Jennie had no plans to celebrate. But somehow, Chaeyoung’s effort in ensuring Jennie felt loved from miles away convinced her to pick up a candle and a lighter from the kitchen.
Jennie thought she was handling it well.
She never gave into the urge to contact Lisa, and she didn’t ask for updates from Jisoo either. She was moving on with her life like she was supposed to, until Lisa came back to her.
Jennie was surrounded by loved ones. She received her sister’s greeting in the morning, had pleasant conversations with her coworkers and a good lunch with her assistant, and even received plenty of care from her best friend.
And yet, as she sat alone in her apartment, lighting up a single candle on top of Chaeyoung’s cake, Jennie felt the loneliest she had ever been.
The one person who she really wanted to celebrate her special day with wasn’t there.
She couldn’t blame Lisa. Jennie never told her the day of her birthday, never predicting that they wouldn’t be together when it came around. It would be ridiculous to expect Lisa to know, or even make an exception to their ongoing break and reach out to her.
Happy birthday to me… she began singing quietly.
It was harder than she thought. What would Lisa’s voice sound like when she sang? If she was there, Jennie was sure she’d be the loudest one in the room.
As her one-woman celebration came to an end, she stared at the little flame in front of her.
When Jennie turned thirteen, her parents prepared quite the party for her birthday. Her mum bought her a really expensive dress for the occasion, but Jennie was sure she did it more for her family’s image than her daughter’s interest. At least, that’s the feeling she got when she was threatened with having her belongings confiscated if she got a single stain on it.
Jennie didn’t remember the dress. She couldn’t even recall what the cake looked like, only that it was ridiculously big. But what was clear in her memories was the moment everyone’s eyes were on her, lights dim, and cameras pointed at her face as she was expected to make a wish.
She could have asked for something silly. It wasn’t meant to be serious. But when the adults kept insisting to wish for anything she wanted, all that a terrified little Jennie could ask for was to stop getting butterflies in her stomach every time Bae Irene from science class smiled at her.
The wish was pointless. She saw Irene on Monday and felt her heart skip a beat hearing her laugh. Jennie never asked for anything ever again.
But when she thought about it now, 13-year-old Jennie’s wish had not been genuine. She asked for something out of fear, not because she truly wanted it. If Jennie had been honest, she would have probably asked for Irene to change seats in class and sit next to her so that she could talk to her every day.
And as ridiculous as it seemed, 27-year-old Jennie felt like she owed it to herself to make up for her wasted last wish.
This birthday in particular had been worse than usual, and Jennie felt like she needed it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to someone that wasn’t there to hear her. “I’ll be selfish. Just for today.”
With her hands pressed together and her eyes closed, Jennie thought of one thing only. One word, to be precise. A single name. The only one she truly wished for every single day.
Lisa.
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