Chapter Text
Fukuzawa was sitting at his desk in a meditative stance when his phone rang, interrupting his peace. Fukuzawa hummed to himself as he picked up the phone and answered with a simple,
“Yes?”
“Fukuzawa, we need your help.” Chief Taneda said through the phone.
“What is it that you require?” Fukuzawa asked calmly.
“There’s an international terrorist group meeting with a host of families here in Yokohama, and we need your Agency to help us infiltrate and figure out what they have planned.”
“Very well, I will send a few of my agents. What time will you be needing them?”
“Oh, we don’t just need a few members…we need your whole Agency. It’s a family event. The minimum we can send is ten.”
“A…family event…” With a small frown, Fukuzawa contemplated that for a second and picked up his glass of tea, “Do you really not have others you can send in for this?”
“No, the meeting is next Monday, and one week isn’t enough time to train ten people to be naturally civil with one another, let alone act as a functional family.”
Fukuzawa spit out his tea, quickly covering up the action with a small cough,
“Sorry. A…functional…family…you said?”
“Yes, I imagine the task will be simple amongst your agents. Most of them have known each other for at least a year, right?”
“Right…Yes. Absolutely.” Fukuzawa paused momentarily before continuing, “Although, are we sure that no one else can do it? Business is usually very…busy…for us.”
“Yes, we can send agents to help you do any paperwork that needs to be done during the meeting. Though it may be an inconvenience, the safety of the country depends on us knowing what is discussed at that meeting, and you will be properly compensated for the job.”
Fukuzawa tapped his fingers on the desk, unfortunately, unable to come up with a good enough reason to deny Taneda’s request.
“...Very well.” Fukuzawa acquiesced.
“Thank you, Fukuzawa. The meeting will be at 11 am.”
Fukuzawa hung up the phone, slowly lowering it before dread infested his being. A functional family? Fukuzawa’s subordinates were many things, but functional was not one of them. They were hardly able to live on their lonesome without causing trouble, let alone together. Fukuzawa pinched his nose in exasperation with a deep sigh before pushing aside his thoughts.
Maybe he was being too harsh. Maybe Fukuzawa would walk into the office, sit his subordinates down, and everyone would agree without further comment. Yes…Fukuzawa could hope for the best, couldn’t he…? Everything would be fine.
Fukuzawa walked into the office, and everything was not fine. Kunikida was strangling Dazai, Ranpo was throwing paper planes at Yosano, Kenji was running around trying to catch the planes Ranpo was throwing, Naomi and Tanizaki were doing something , Haruno was pulling up cat pictures (Fukuzawa had to avert his eyes) and Kyouka and Atsushi were…actually just in a corner playing a board game. Fukuzawa took a deep breath before announcing his presence.
“Everyone. Emergency meeting, we have a job.”
His subordinates immediately stopped what they were doing, some looking more guilty than others, and filed into the meeting room behind Fukuzawa. Once everyone had sat down quietly, thanks to Fukuzawa giving them all a serious face, Fukuzawa spoke,
“There is a meeting that an important terrorist group will be attending in one week’s time, and we must attend it as a functional family.”
Dazai raised his hand. Fukuzawa nodded,
“Yes Dazai?”
“What classifies as a functional family?” Dazai asked. Luckily, Fukuzawa was prepared for this question,
“In this instance, a functional family is one whose legitimacy can not be questioned. That means no strangling each other, no fighting, and no eccentric behavior that will get us noticed.” Fukuzawa turned to see Ranpo with his hand up and sighed, “Ranpo?”
“Define eccentric.”
“No random complaints about the event, no making predictions about the people attending the event out loud, and no behavior that will make us stick out at the gathering.”
“Ugh, but that’s boring. Do we really have to go?”
“Yes, Ranpo, we all must go. The information they are discussing is of utmost importance to the safety of our country.”
Ranpo leaned back with a sigh but said nothing else. Kyouka raised her hand.
“Yes, Kyouka?” Fukuzawa said.
“Are we to lure our targets to a discrete location and take them out after the meeting?”
“No, Kyouka, this mission is purely reconnaissance. We are to hear what they have to say over lunch and then leave.”
“What’s for lunch?” Dazai asked.
“I do not know, but the odds are that there will be no canned crab.”
“Aw, really?” Dazai leaned back in his chair with a sigh, “Do we really have to go?”
Fukuzawa could feel a migraine coming along,
“Yes, we do. As I stated before, this mission is important.”
Kenji raised his hand, Fukuzawa giving him permission to speak.
“What if we just figured out where they are before the meeting, go up to them, and just ask them what their plans are? That way, not all of us have to go to the meeting!” Kenji said brightly.
“That is certainly…an idea…but this meeting is specifically for them to discuss their plans, so they would be more open to… sharing …then.”
“Oh, ok!” Kenji nodded. Kunikida slowly raised his hand after a moment of silence.
“Yes, Kunikida?”
“What will be our relation to one another?”
That…was a good question. Fukuzawa scanned over his subordinates, noting their wildly different complexions and feeling another migraine coming on. It was fine. This was fine. Fukuzawa could sort through this.
“...Kyouka has been claimed as my granddaughter in the past so we can build up from there. Atsushi, you can be her brother. Ranpo, Dazai, Yosano, and Naomi, you four can pass as siblings. Yosano can act as Kyouka and Atsushi’s mother. Kunikida, you will also be one of my children, adopted if anyone asks, and Kenji will be your son. Haruno, you will be Kunikida’s wife and Kenji’s mother. Junichiro…” Fukuzawa trailed off for a moment, wondering how to fit the redhead in.
“Oh, oh! He can be my husband!” Naomi offered with a suspicious grin. Begrudgingly, Fukuzawa agreed, given that there wasn’t any other way to fit him into the family from a genetic standpoint.
“Alright. Any questions?” Fukuzawa asked.
“Can I bring canned crab to the event?” Dazai questioned.
“No, Dazai, you can not bring canned crab to the event.”
“Why am I being punished so?” Dazai sniffled, “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing. There can just be no canned crab or any other food brought to the event. Everything there will be provided for us.”
This elicited a grumble from Ranpo that Fukuzawa ignored. Haruno raised her hand,
“What are we saying happened to your wife and Yosano’s husband?”
“My wife…” Fukuzawa pondered for a moment before responding, “We’ll say that she died in an accident five years ago and bears a striking resemblance to Kyouka. Yosano’s husband can simply be absent due to a business trip. Anything else?”
“How should we prepare for this event?” Kunikida asked, his pen at the ready.
“We will go through some typical family bonding experiences. We will play games, go on picnics, have one-on-ones, and learn more about each other so that we may act out our parts sufficiently when the time comes. I will supervise these events and address more questions as they arise. Are there any other questions before we conclude?”
“Can we go pet cows together?” Kenji asked.
“That idea will be taken into consideration when planning events. Anything else?”
“Can we start calling you dad?” Ranpo asked.
“Yes, I suppose those who are playing as my children should get in the habit of it. Anything else?”
“Do we get to go shopping?” Yosano asked.
“It’s likely that we will need to later. Kunikida will be in charge of keeping track of what we will need to buy. Are there any other concerns?”
Silence finally fell for more than three seconds, and Fukuzawa quickly took the chance to end the meeting,
“Our first exercise will start tomorrow at 10 am. Attendance is mandatory, do not be late.” Fukuzawa fixed his gaze onto Dazai in particular when he said that, knowing that his schedule for starting the workday was hardly ever consistent.
“Oook, dad.” Dazai said when Fukuzawa’s gaze didn’t leave him before he got up with a stretch and continued as he left the room, “I’ll see you all later~”
Everyone else left with varying degrees of enthusiasm, Junichiro and Naomi being the most concerning amounts as Naomi attached herself to his side. Fukuzawa didn’t say anything until everyone other than Kunikida had left.
“Yes, Kunikida?”
“I- well- don’t know how to act as a husband or father.” Kunikida stumbled over his words a little bit as he spoke. Fukuzawa sighed,
“I do not think anyone does, but we will figure it out. I expect you to be in my office tomorrow morning so we may plan our events for the week.”
“Right- of course. Thank you, President.”
“Of course and while I am fine being addressed as our agency’s president here, do note that I will be your father as well during the mission.”
“Ah- yes. Thank you…father.” Kunikida tested the word with a grimace, to which Fukuzawa gave him a sympathetic nod,
“I apologize for the amount of change we must undergo for this particular mission. Take heart in the fact that it will only be this way for a week.”
“Right.” Kunikida bowed, “I will see you at 8 am.”
“Indeed,” Fukuzawa confirmed.
The second Kunikida had left, Fukuzawa’s dread set back in. How in the world was he supposed to wrangle the entirety of his staff into something even remotely resembling normality within one week? They could hardly get through one meeting without bickering or bringing attention to their wildly different experiences in life! Fukuzawa reminded himself to breathe, taking a deep breath in and out before assuring himself that it was possible. It simply had to be because if it wasn’t- well, actually, the worst-case scenario was terrorists at their doorstep, which had happened before, but Fukuzawa wasn’t exactly eager for a repeat scenario, especially since they could decide to send missiles to take out their whole building.
Regardless, Fukuzawa needed this to go well, and to do so, he’d need to take one of the most difficult tasks he’d ever been assigned: turning his band of dysfunctional misfits into something that resembled a normal family, if only so that it would last for a singular day.