Chapter Text
“ You only know people as deeply as you know yourself ,” Lena had told him once.
He hadn’t understood it at the time. The idea that you could hide things from yourself seemed absurd. How could someone not know their own mind, their own heart?
But then he fucked up.
Then Chris went away.
It had never crossed his mind that his son would want to leave him. Chris had always been his, the one thing in Eddie’s life that felt certain. No matter how chaotic things got, no matter how much he doubted himself, Chris was his anchor. His reason. His purpose.
And yet, there had been that moment—the one that kept replaying in his head like a cruel, looping reel. The way Chris had looked at him, not just hurt, but uncertain. As if, for the first time, his son wasn’t sure Eddie was the safest place to land. That moment shattered something deep inside him, something Eddie hadn’t even realized was fragile.
He had promised himself that he would always know everything about Chris. Every like, every dislike, every small quirk that made his son who he was. He’d already missed too much—deployment, the early years of Chris’s life, the little moments that made up a childhood. He thought being present now was enough.
But knowing someone wasn’t just about proximity.
It was about understanding.
And how could he ever expect to understand Chris when he barely understood himself?
Walking into his childhood bedroom felt like stepping into a stranger’s life. It was still the same—the dull, beige walls, the plain furniture, the neatly made bed. But nothing about it felt like his. It was like looking at an empty shell of a person he had once been.
Had he ever had posters on the walls? A favorite band? A hobby? Something that screamed Eddie Diaz was here?
Had he ever sneaked out to go partying? Smoked weed? Made out with more than one person on the same day? Had great, amazing sex with someone he felt completely carefree with?
No. He didn’t think so.
And maybe that was the problem.
He had spent his whole life following a script—his parents’ rules, the church’s expectations, the responsibilities that came too soon, too fast. There was no time to figure out what he liked, what he wanted. Then came the army, where individuality was stripped away. After that, it was fatherhood. Chris needed him, so he was there. But who was he outside of that? Outside of being a soldier, a father, a son who never pushed back?
The first time Eddie ever truly felt like himself was when he started opening up to Christopher after coming back from the army.
The second was with Buck .
And that thought—that person—settled into his chest like an ache.
Because if Buck was the second time Eddie felt like himself, then who had he been all the years before him?
One of the many things Eddie admired about Buck was how unapologetically himself he was. When he heard stories about Buck’s past, he’d think, Yeah, sounds like Buck .
But did anyone say that about him?
Was there anything that sounded like Eddie?
“Dad?”
Christopher’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. Eddie looked up and smiled as his son stepped into the room.
“Yeah, mijo?”
“I heard what Abuelo said to you. I’m not ready to go back yet, but… it’s not true.”
Eddie frowned. “What’s not true, Chris?”
“You’re not incompetent. You do know how to take care of me.”
Eddie felt his breath catch in his throat.
“Thank you, mijo.” He swallowed hard, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to keep himself from crying. “Your abuelo doesn’t realize how good your Spanish is getting.”
Chris sighed. “They avoid English around me when they talk about serious stuff because they think I don’t understand.”
Eddie let out a shaky breath. Of course Chris had picked up on at least a fraction of the terrible things his parents were saying. Awesome.
As the silence stretched between them, Eddie felt a familiar restlessness settle in his chest. He needed to clear his head. Maybe a drive. Maybe a distraction.
“Abuela and abuelo are taking me to Joe’s birthday sleepover party, just wanted to let you know.”
“Thank you, Chris.”
Chris gave him a small smile and walked out of the room. A moment later, Eddie heard the front door close.
He was alone.
He pulled out his phone and dialed.
“Have you ever smoked weed?” Eddie asked as soon as Buck picked up.
“ Oh, hello to you too, Eddie. I’m doing good, thanks for asking. ” He heard Buck laughing.
“Well, have you?”
“ Yeah? Of course I have. ” Buck chuckled from the other end of the line. “ Why do you ask ?”
“I haven’t.”
“ Seriously? Not even after you moved to L.A.? You know it’s been legal in California for almost ten years now, right ?”
“I know, Buck. I’m not stupid.”
“ Wow, hey, I didn’t say you were. I was just surprised. ”
Eddie sighed and rubbed his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”
“ It’s okay. What’s going on, Eds? ”
“Do you think I’m boring?”
“ What? Of course not! You’re the coolest person I’ve ever met! I mean… right after Jee and Chris, of course. ”
Eddie smiled and shook his head.
“Of course.”
“ Eddie? What’s going on? ” Buck asked again.
“I’m just lying in my old bed.”
“ Oh, sexy. What are you wearing? ”
Eddie snorted, feeling his cheeks burn.
“Shut up.”
“ Sorry, sorry. Go on. ”
“This room… my parents kept it the same, but I… I don’t really recognize it, man.”
“ What do you mean? ”
“Since I packed my stuff in L.A., I’ve been noticing some things.”
Buck hummed, waiting for Eddie to make sense of his thoughts.
“I’ve never painted a wall. Like, picked a color I liked and painted a wall. It was a rental! Everything seemed so temporary. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to leave, you know? In a way, I’ve never put that much effort into getting to know myself. I had to keep my head down, follow my parents' rules, the church’s rules. Then, when I started dating someone I thought I liked, she got pregnant, and it didn’t matter anymore whether I wanted to be with her or not. It didn’t matter what I actually wanted for my future. I went to the army, and we all looked the same—shaved heads and uniforms. I had Chris and Shannon back home, and all I had to do was get back to them. I couldn’t do it, and I didn’t know why. How was I supposed to know if I never understood my own feelings, Buck?”
Eddie could hear Buck nodding at the other end of the line before he sighed.
“ Can I be honest with you? ”
“Please.”
“ I know Chris is the most important thing in your life. As he should be! But… he’s also a teenager. He doesn’t want you around 24/7, he doesn’t want you to think about him all the time. He wants to know he can come to you whenever he needs, but he wants to be his own person too. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself, you know? He can see right through your bullshit, Eddie. He’s the smartest kid I know. ”
“He is.” Eddie agreed quietly.
“ He needs you to be happy, man. He needs you to have a life outside of him. You know why? Because one day, he will leave. And he should. He has a great future ahead of him because you made sure of it. And that’s awesome, man! But he needs to know he can go, and you’ll be okay. That your life won’t just—stop—as soon as he leaves for college or something. ”
Eddie groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Oh God, I hate thinking about college.”
Buck laughed softly. “ Me too. ”
Eddie could hear the smile in his voice, and for some reason, that made his chest ache.
“ But I also love it, ” Buck added. “ He’s such a great kid, Eds. And it’s because of you and Shannon, all right? You are a great dad, but you’re also so many other things. ”
Eddie let out a slow breath, staring up at the ceiling.
“Yeah? Like what?”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. It stretched long enough that Eddie almost checked to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. But then Buck spoke, voice quieter now.
“ Like a great listener, funny, kind, smart… my best friend. ”
Eddie felt something tighten in his chest.
“ Like someone who deserves to figure out what he wants for once. ”
He exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“ Well, ” Buck said, a teasing lilt in his voice, “ we could start by smoking some weed when you come visit. ”
Eddie huffed out a laugh. “Yeah?”
“ Yeah! We’ll hit up a dispensary, then stock up on snacks for when we get the munchies. We could watch stupid movies, or talk, or… just sit in comfortable silence. Whatever you want. ”
Eddie smiled, shaking his head. “What if I’m one of those people who gets paranoid?”
“ Oh, please. Remember the LSD incident? You are a fun high. ”
Eddie closed his eyes, letting himself sit with the warmth curling in his chest.
“Thanks, Buck.”
“ Anytime, Eds. ”
Eddie almost let an I miss you slip out before hanging up. Because he did. He missed Buck like a lost limb.
With a sigh, he tossed his phone onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. His old bedroom felt suffocating, the walls pressing in like a life he had long outgrown but never fully stepped away from.
Maybe Buck was right. Maybe he needed to do something for himself—something unplanned, something that wasn’t about being a father, a son, or a soldier.
So, he grabbed his jacket and his keys, slipped out of the house, and drove until he spotted a bar that didn’t look too quiet or too loud. A place where no one knew his name.
The air inside was warm and dark, filled with the low hum of conversation, the clinking of glasses, and, weirdly for a texan bar, some pop song was playing on the speakers. He slid onto a barstool, ordered a whiskey, and let himself just be for a moment.
And then—someone slid into the seat beside him.
“Didn’t take you for a whiskey guy,” a smooth voice said, and when Eddie glanced over, he found a man watching him with an easy smile, eyes sharp with interest. The guy had blond hair and piercing blue eyes, his body angled toward Eddie with a cocky ease.
Eddie was surprised. He’d been hit on by plenty of guys in L.A., but never in Texas.
“And what are you drinking…” Eddie trailed off, waiting for a name.
“Ethan,” he supplied, lips curling into a smirk as he licked them.
“I was drinking an espresso martini.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow, glancing around the bar. Oh. That was definitely not just any bar. It was a gay bar. In El Paso, Texas.
Well. Some things had changed around here.
He turned back to Evan—not Evan, Ethan—turning the thought over in his mind as he downed the rest of his whiskey.
“Another?” the bartender asked.
“Yeah… and an espresso martini,” Eddie said before he could think too hard about it.
Ethan smiled, biting his lip. “So, I haven’t seen you around before. Just passing through?”
“Hopefully,” Eddie muttered before realizing how that sounded.
Ethan frowned slightly, tilting his head.
“I mean—I moved back a couple of weeks ago,” Eddie clarified.
“Oh yeah? Where from?”
“Los Angeles. I was a firefighter there.”
And why the hell was he showing off to this random man? Better question—why had he bought him a drink?
Ethan’s grin widened. “Oh wow. And here I was thinking you couldn’t get any sexier.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh, shaking his head.
“Hey,” Ethan said, leaning in just a little closer, “I’m here with some friends. You should come sit with us for a bit.”
Eddie hesitated, glancing toward the small group at a nearby table. They were mid-laugh, drinks in hand, the kind of easy camaraderie that made his chest ache for something unnamed.
“Come on,” Ethan coaxed. “One drink. If you hate us, you can run for the hills.”
Eddie rolled his eyes but found himself nodding. “Yeah, okay.”
Ethan grinned and grabbed their drinks from the bar before leading Eddie over.
“Guys,” he said, setting the glasses down, “this is Eddie. Eddie, this is the gang.”
A woman with short, dark curls and a leather jacket raised her glass at him. “I’m Dani, and this is my wife, Maria.”
Maria, a woman with warm brown eyes and a mischievous smirk, wiggled her fingers at him. “Welcome to the table.”
The others introduced themselves—Jared, who worked in theater; Liv, a nonbinary artist with a half-shaved head and a sleeve of tattoos; and Rob, a physics teacher who, despite the glasses and button-up, had a dry wit that made Eddie snort into his drink.
It was easy. It was nice.
“So, Eddie,” Maria said, sipping her margarita. “Ethan says you were a firefighter in L.A. How does a guy go from that to drinking with us at a gay bar in El Paso?”
Eddie blinked, caught off guard. He wasn’t sure he had an answer to that yet.
“Family stuff. Needed to clear my head, so I came here.”
Maria nodded, smiling sympathetically. “Well, you picked a good place for that. Nothing like a strong drink and questionable life choices to shake things up.”
Ethan chuckled, nudging Eddie’s arm. “Speaking of shaking things up… we were about to head to the club. You in?”
Eddie hesitated, glancing at the nearly empty glass in his hand. He hadn’t been out dancing in—God, how long? Had he ever gone clubbing just for fun? Not because he was dragged along, not because he was keeping an eye on someone, but because he actually wanted to?
He wasn’t sure.
But tonight wasn’t about what he usually did.
Tonight was about figuring things out.
He exhaled, then shrugged. “Yeah, why not?”
Dani grinned. “That’s the spirit. Finish your drink, Eds. We’ve got a dance floor waiting.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh and knocked back the rest of his whiskey, already feeling the warmth spreading through him as they gathered their things and made their way toward the door.
The night wasn’t over yet.
The club was already packed with people. Everyone looked so cool and a little intimidating, if Eddie was honest. He was glad he had a group with him—though he still felt slightly out of place.
The music pulsed through the air, a steady beat that vibrated in his chest. Laughter and conversation filled the spaces between songs, the air thick with the scent of sweat, alcohol, and something sweet—maybe from the fruity cocktails being passed around.
Maria leaned in, raising her voice over the music. “First time here?”
Eddie nodded, scanning the room. The dim lighting, the neon glow reflecting off glass and skin, the easy way people moved—unapologetic and free. It was different from the bars he used to go to, the ones filled with guys who looked just like him, talking about sports and work, nursing beers and keeping their distance.
Here, people leaned in close. Here, hands lingered on arms and backs as if touch was second nature.
“You good?” Ethan asked, watching him carefully.
Eddie forced a breath and nodded. “Yeah. Just… taking it in.”
Ethan grinned. “You’ll like it. Let’s get a drink, then we’ll dance.”
Eddie let himself be pulled toward the bar, the anticipation humming in his veins.
The music pulsed around them, a steady, hypnotic rhythm that thrummed through Eddie’s chest. He was already feeling a little buzzed from the drinks at the bar, warmth spreading through his limbs as he moved with the crowd.
He liked dancing. But this wasn’t ballroom dancing, this was different, there were no rules and no judges.
He wasn’t great at it—definitely not as smooth as Ethan, who seemed perfectly at ease with his body, or Maria, who twirled her girlfriend around like they were in their own little world—but that didn’t seem to matter here. The group was laughing, moving without care, caught up in the music and each other. No one was watching, no one was judging, and the realization made Eddie’s chest feel lighter.
He felt like he was always so worried about what people thought of him that he forgot to have fun. But here, with these strangers who had welcomed him so easily, he felt something unfamiliar creeping in—something dangerously close to freedom.
“Wanna roll, handsome?” Ethan asked, leaning in close enough that Eddie could smell his cologne—something sharp and expensive.
Eddie blinked at him. “What’s that?”
“You know, molly?”
Molly? As in MDMA? Ecstasy? Was that the same thing? He wasn’t sure. What he did know was that he’d seen plenty of calls where people took too much and ended up in psychosis, overheating, or worse. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be one of them.
“Nah, I’m good.”
Ethan shrugged, unbothered. “Are you sure? You’ve never tried it before? Take half, maybe? It’s really mild, very fun. But no pressure, though—pressuring someone with drugs is shit behavior.”
Eddie exhaled slowly, his pulse quickening. What if…?
Fuck it.
Before he could think too hard, he bit off half of the tiny, mushroom shaped pill and handed the rest back to Ethan, who grinned before tossing it onto his tongue—right after swallowing an entire pill of his own.
Okay. He was going to be okay.
Let go of control, Eddie.
He forced himself to relax, rolling his shoulders as the noise of the club swelled around him.
Just then, Ethan’s friends ran up, drinks in hand, laughing and shouting over the music. Someone nearly spilled a margarita on Maria, who cackled and spun away just in time.
“Oh! There’s a drag show in, like, thirty minutes! I had no idea!”
“As in drag queens?” Eddie asked, feeling the warmth of the alcohol and the pill settle into his limbs.
“Yeah! Oh man, I bet the shows in LA are insane.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh. “Wouldn’t know.”
Ethan tilted his head, considering him. “That’s okay, Eddie. You’ve got time to figure stuff out.”
Eddie swallowed, feeling something tug at the edges of his chest—something both terrifying and oddly comforting.
Ethan and Buck would get along, he thought. And for some reason, that made him feel a little safer.
The bass of the music was intense in Eddie’s body, each beat sinking into his skin like a second heartbeat. He wasn’t sure when exactly the shift happened, but—
“Oh, wow.”
His own voice sounded distant, like he wasn’t entirely inside his body. Everything felt sharper, brighter. The neon lights above swirled, casting Ethan in a soft, iridescent glow.
“You good?”
Eddie turned to him, and suddenly, everything was funny. He burst out laughing, warmth bubbling in his chest, spilling over. Ethan grinned, eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Oh, you’re feeling it, okay!”
His hand came up to Eddie’s face, fingertips grazing his cheek. Eddie shivered, his eyes fluttering shut as a buzz of pleasure rippled through him.
Like the LSD trip from the infamous brownies incident, but different—less intense, more electric. More alive.
“That feels good,” he murmured.
Ethan hummed in agreement, sliding his fingers into Eddie’s hair and tugging lightly. A sharp thrill shot down Eddie’s spine, heat curling low in his stomach as a groan slipped past his lips.
“Fucking hell.”
Ethan chuckled, dropping his voice as he leaned in. “You’re so hot, Eddie. Do you have any idea how you look right now?”
Eddie licked his lips. “Yeah? How do I look?”
Ethan’s breath ghosted over his ear. “Sinful. Like you’re begging for it.”
Eddie exhaled sharply, pulse hammering. “What if I am?”
Ethan smirked, about to answer when—
A chorus of cheers erupted, lights shifting as the music swelled. The stage lit up in a dazzling display, and just like that, Ethan pulled away, grinning.
Eddie’s frustration barely had time to settle before he turned toward the stage—and froze.
The sheer presence, the power, the command of the performer standing before them was magnetic. Their outfit sparkled under the lights, movements deliberate, effortless. The crowd roared as they strutted forward, confidence dripping from every step.
Eddie found himself moving closer, drawn in by the colors, the music, the freedom radiating from the stage.
The drag queen introduced herself as Texass Maxximum. She was funny and witty, and lip synced some songs Eddie never let himself enjoy. The performer twirled, their sequined outfit catching the light as they strutted forward with effortless grace. Eddie was mesmerized.
“Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph—who is this?”
Eddie turned, startled to find the drag queen staring directly at him, lips curled in a knowing smirk.
“Hm… Oh, me?”
Eddie pointed to himself, a little lost.
They took a step closer, dramatically placing a hand on their chest. “Unless there’s another golden-skinned, big-slutty-eyes hunk in here… Oh, wait—there are plenty. My mistake.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh. “I’m Eddie.”
“Eddie… And what do you do? Besides walking around looking like a wet dream on legs.”
“I’m a firefighter.”
The queen gasped, clutching their chest like they’d just been struck by divine revelation. Then, with a flourish, they dropped the microphone and pretended to walk off stage, before dramatically spinning back and snatching it up again.
“Of course you are.”
The audience roared with laughter.
“So tell me, Eddie the Firefighter… you know how to work a firehose?”
“Yeah? Did it almost everyday for the past couple of years actually.”
He smiled, actually reminiscing his time at the 118.
The queen's eyebrows shot up. “Really? Me too!”
The crowd howled.
“And what about sliding down the pole?”
Eddie shrugged. “Yep, that too.”
The queen groaned theatrically. “Why are the hot ones always bottoms?”
The audience cackled. Eddie, feeling buzzed and entirely entertained, thought back to the bunk situation at the 118— He and Buck shared that, really.
He didn’t realize he said the last part out loud.
The queen’s eyes gleamed. “Well, well, well… and who is Buck?”
“My partner and best friend.”
The audience awed in unison. Eddie frowned, not entirely sure why.
“Is he also a daddy?”
In the end, Buck was. He was the best coparent he could have asked for his son.
“Definitely.”
The queen gasped. “Do you have a picture? Please. I NEED to see it.”
Eddie laughed, already pulling his phone from his pocket. As luck would have it, Buck had just sent him a selfie—hair disheveled, eyes barely open, lips curled in a sleepy smirk. The text under it read:
“ Fell asleep on the couch. Thank God your old one is gone, it was trash. ”
Followed by:
“ I was serious about what I said earlier. You deserve every good thing this world has to offer, Eds. I miss you and Chris so much. ”
Eddie felt his heart swell. His inhibitions were gone. " Miss you so much ," he typed back, followed by, " I love you ."
The drag queen was still entertaining the crowd when Eddie lifted his phone to show her the picture.
She took one look at Buck, then clutched her chest like she was about to faint. “What if I was suicidal?” she gasped, before dramatically flipping the phone around to show the audience.
The crowd screamed. Cheers, whistles, and exaggerated cries of despair filled the room.
Yeah, Eddie thought, watching Buck’s face projected to the whole damn bar. He understood the hype.
“Do you guys need a third? I can clean, cook, bark, shut the fuck up, and stand in a corner.”
Eddie choked on his drink, coughing as laughter erupted around them.
“I don’t think I could handle a third,” he said without thinking.
The moment the words left his mouth, his brain short-circuited. He hadn’t meant it like that. But, yeah, now that he was thinking about it… he just wanted Buck to himself. Probably not what everyone assumed he meant.
The queen, however, had zero doubts.
“OH, I CAN IMAGINE! The size of that thing… I’m keeping you in my prayers, Firefighter Eddie, thank you.”
The crowd whooped. Eddie’s face burned.
She was about to hand his phone back when something caught her eye.
“Oh. Oh. What do we have here?”
Eddie barely had time to process before she gasped dramatically.
“‘ I love you too .’” She clutched her chest, staggering back like she’d been mortally wounded. “You know what? This is actually offensive. Hot and sweet? No. Jail. Take your phone. I’m pissed.”
She tossed Eddie’s phone toward him, and he caught it midair, laughing like everything she said was true. Because maybe, in some ways, it was.
Ethan, who had been watching the whole thing with an unreadable expression, suddenly frowned.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?”
Eddie blinked, still high and trying to keep up. “What?”
“You wanna cheat on him? Is this, like, an open relationship? Because I’m not a homewrecker, and I hate cheating assholes.”
“Hey, no—no. I know what it sounded like, but—”
Ethan crossed his arms. “Don’t lie to me, okay?”
Eddie exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not lying. We’re not together. Buck’s my best friend. My work partner. He co-parents my kid. He stayed in LA. I’m…” He trailed off, unsure what he was even trying to say.
Ethan gave him a skeptical look. “Okay… still sounds incredibly suspicious.”
Eddie sighed, still buzzing, still trying to make sense of everything.
“We’re really close,” he admitted. “I wasn’t sure what she meant at first, and I didn’t want to correct her and look dumb. I’m sorry.”
Ethan studied him for a moment before softening. “It’s okay. You don’t really owe me anything. It’s just… I was cheated on before, and I’d hate to be the person who breaks someone else’s heart like that.”
A flicker of shame twisted in Eddie’s stomach. He thought about his past. Thought about her. The mistakes he made.
He shook his head and stepped closer.
“So… there was something going on here?”
Ethan gave him a small smile and nodded.
“Like you don’t know.”
Eddie smiled, biting his lip, and brushed his thumb over Ethan’s jaw.
“Wanna dance?”
The music pounded through the club, heavy with rhythm and bass. Eddie felt a pull to let go, to not think, just feel. He started moving, feeling Ethan’s body press against his, the heat of him a welcoming weight. Okay, Eddie thought, I might actually like men, not just Buck.
‘I don’t wanna be alone tonight,
It's pretty clear that I'm not over you.’
Ethan leaned in close, his breath tickling Eddie’s ear.
“You like to let go of control, baby?”
Eddie’s pulse quickened, the words making him shiver.
“I’m not sure yet.”
‘Can you light the fire?
I need somebody who can take control.’
Ethan’s lips brushed against Eddie’s skin, and for a moment, Eddie thought he might lose himself in the feeling of it. The music, the heat, the buzz from the molly, all swirled around him.
“Wanna find out?”
Eddie nodded, his body already reacting. His eyes closed, his chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. Ethan’s lips found his, firm and insistent. The kiss was slow at first, deepening as Eddie felt a pull in his chest—something primal, something new.
‘Look what you made me do, I'm with somebody new,
Ooh, baby, baby, I'm dancing with a stranger.’
Ethan’s arm slid around Eddie’s waist, pulling him even closer. Eddie could feel the heat building, the friction between their bodies, his thoughts starting to blur with the pulse of the club.
Ethan’s lips traveled to Eddie’s neck, leaving a mark, sucking hard enough to make Eddie gasp. His head fell back, his breath quickening, the music vibrating through his bones.
‘I wasn't even goin' out tonight,
But, boy, I need to get you off of my mind.’
Ethan’s grip tightened on Eddie’s hair, pulling him back into the kiss, and Eddie let out a low moan, his senses overwhelmed. But then, something shifted—something in the back of his mind clicked.
‘Look what you made me do,
I'm with somebody new,
Ooh, baby, baby, I'm dancing with a stranger.’
Eddie’s heart skipped a beat. He opened his eyes, and for a split second, everything stopped.
There, in front of him, was Buck.
Flushed. Eyes dark with want, tongue swiping across his lips. His pretty pink birthmark, the way his eyes locked onto Eddie’s with that familiar intensity.
Eddie surged forward with a force he didn’t recognize, grabbing whatever he could reach—lips, shirt, skin. Desperation flooded through him, the kind of need he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in a long time.
But the kiss was different this time. The taste, the familiarity, it wasn’t Ethan anymore. It was Buck.
Teeth nipped at his bottom lip, and Eddie groaned, a sound swallowed by the music around them.
“ Buck… ”
Suddenly, the kiss broke, and Ethan pulled away with a raised brow.
“Your ‘just friends’ allegations are getting kinda hard to believe.”
The air seemed to shift around Eddie. He felt a wave of panic crash over him, his stomach twisting with nausea. He muttered an apology, his heart racing as he stumbled away from the club, his mind a chaotic mess of thoughts and feelings he couldn’t process fast enough.
Once he was outside, he leaned over the gutter and threw up. His body shook with the aftereffects of everything.
A hand rubbed soothing circles on his back. Eddie straightened up slowly, blinking away the dizziness, and turned to see who was beside him.
“Are you okay?” Ethan’s voice was gentle as he guided Eddie to a cleaner spot, away from the mess.
“I’ve been better,” Eddie mumbled, rubbing his face.
“Oh, me too! I’ve never had someone throw up from kissing me before.”
Eddie winced, shaking his head. “Oh God, that wasn’t because of you. I’m just…” He didn’t know how to explain it.
Ethan held out a bottle of water, looking at him with understanding. “Eddie, relax. I’m just kidding. Well, sort of… but I get it.”
Eddie blinked, still reeling.
Ethan’s eyes softened as he gave him a knowing look. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
The question hung in the air, and Eddie felt the weight of it settle in his chest.
Eddie sighed and nodded.
“Does he know?”
Eddie shook his head, feeling the weight of the question settle deeper in his chest.
“Is he straight?”
Eddie shook his head again, his heart thumping painfully.
“Oh, but that’s wonderful. Why are you distressed?”
Eddie didn’t answer right away. Instead, he turned to the curb and vomited again. It felt like everything inside him was coming apart.
Ethan’s hand rubbed small, comforting circles on his back. “It’s okay, Eddie. We don’t have to talk about it. Do you want to grab a coffee? There’s a stand around the corner. We can sit there until you’re feeling better.”
Eddie nodded, walking in silence until they reached the coffee stand, the cold night air a sharp contrast to the warmth of the club that felt miles away now.
“Why’s there a coffee stand open at 2 AM in El Paso?” Eddie asked, trying to pull himself together, looking up at Ethan as he handed him a plain black coffee.
“They sell drugs here.” Ethan whispered, glancing around with a mischievous grin. “Not as fancy as LA, but you know.”
Eddie chuckled despite himself, taking a sip of the bitter coffee, feeling it coat his insides and settle the storm in his stomach. He could already feel the edges of his high fading.
They sat in silence, drinking their coffee as the world around them seemed to fall away. It was quiet—peaceful, even.
Finally, Eddie broke the silence, his voice quieter than before.
“I didn’t know I was in love with him until I moved here.”
Ethan nodded, his eyes soft, waiting for Eddie to continue.
“He’s the best person I’ve ever met. He’s funny, so incredibly kind, compassionate, and caring. I’ve never had someone love me like he does—so selflessly. And he’s so good with Christopher. They love each other unconditionally. So what if…” Eddie fought back a wave of nausea, knowing he needed to word vomit instead of vomit vomit.
Ethan’s hand found his arm, a simple, grounded touch.
“You’re scared of losing him.”
Eddie nodded, his throat tightening as he swallowed against the emotion rising in him. “I’m terrified. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me, besides Chris. I want to be around him all the time. I’ve never felt this way toward any girlfriend I’ve had.” He sniffed, trying to compose himself but failing. “I almost lost him on the job a couple of times. I secretly always thought—okay, he dies, I’m going next. Then I thought of Chris, and I felt all the anxiety in the world build up in my chest. I can’t live… I’d have to live in a world without Buck in it. Fuck.”
Ethan sat quietly for a moment, his hand still resting on Eddie’s, offering some sort of unspoken comfort. Finally, he spoke again, his voice steady but compassionate.
“Hey, there’s no use thinking about stuff like that. I know your job is dangerous, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but you gotta have faith Buck can hold his own. Also, thinking about death is not the best way to live, Eddie.”
Ethan took a sip of his coffee and continued.
“Look, I hate when people say, ‘ you only live once’ or ‘live like you’ll die tomorrow. ’ It’s bullshit, okay?”
Eddie looked at him, his eyes red-rimmed.
“What do you mean?” He whispered.
Ethan smiled softly. “You live every day when you wake up. Life happens every day. Yeah, we’re all going to die at some point, but in the meantime, there’s so much to see, to feel, to experience. Even the most mundane shit is special when you’re with people you love. You live way more than you die. It’s not fair that you’re always thinking about what you may lose when you have so much to gain.”
Eddie felt a sob escape his lips as he nodded. The words hit him harder than he expected. His shoulders shook as he wiped at his face, trying to keep it together.
“I’m so tired of losing and I know Buck’s tired too.”
Ethan didn’t say anything at first. Instead, he placed a hand on Eddie’s arm, his touch grounding.
“So I can bet you my right hand he’s not giving up on you, even if he doesn’t feel the same.”
Eddie’s breath hitched, his heart clenching at the thought of losing Buck, of him walking away because Eddie couldn’t get his own shit together.
“I don’t know how to have good and healthy relationships.” Eddie whispered, his voice barely audible. He wiped his nose with his sleeve, feeling a little embarrassed, like he went back to being a snotty little kid, but too exhausted to care.
“Nobody just knows how to navigate relationships. Even when you think you’ve figured it out, you didn’t. You know why?”
Eddie shook his head slowly, the question catching him off guard.
“Because every relationship is different. Every person you meet is unique, and so is the version of you that meets them. I don’t know how old you were when you got into your first relationship, but I can bet you’re not the same person now that you were back then.”
“Definitely not.” Eddie chuckled weakly. There was something about Ethan’s words that made him feel less alone in all of this.
Ethan gave him a soft, understanding smile. “Exactly. You grow, you change. You make mistakes, you learn. And sometimes you’ll fuck up. But you can’t let that stop you from trying again. Especially when you have something real to hold onto, like Buck, like your son.”
Eddie nodded, grateful for Ethan’s calm presence, even if it felt a little surreal. He was starting to see things clearer, even if just for a moment. “I’m scared, man. I’m still scared of what I’ll lose if I mess this up. What if I ruin everything?”
"You won’t know until you try." Ethan’s voice was steady, unwavering. "And if you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been. If Buck’s as good as you say he is, he won’t let you go—even when you mess up. But you’ve gotta let him in, Eddie. You’ve gotta be real with him, even if it’s scary."
Eddie thought about Buck. How much he cared. How much he’d always cared. And for the first time in a long while, he let himself believe that maybe—just maybe—he wasn’t as lost as he felt. Maybe he could fix things. Maybe he didn’t have to do it all alone.
Eddie smiled, and Ethan smiled back.
"You know… Buck’s living in my house in LA. I couldn’t find someone to take over my lease, and he did."
"Oh my God… He co-parents your kid, sends you hot selfies, takes over your lease, and you still think he has totally platonic feelings for you?"
"You don’t get it. That’s just Buck."
"How many other kids has he adopted?"
"None, but—"
"How many other leases has he taken over?"
"When you say it like that…"
"How many other people is he sending hot selfies to?"
"I hope none."
Ethan snorted. "Eddie, can I see your phone?"
Eddie furrowed his brows but handed over his unlocked phone. Ethan started scrolling through his texts with Buck.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"What?"
"First of all, fuck you, I can see you picked me because we kinda look alike," Ethan said, laughing. "Second, Eddie… this man is in love with you, and you two are idiots.”
"What? How would you know that just from texts?"
"Who the fuck texts ‘ I’m thinking about you ’ to a platonic friend? Also, you talk nonstop?? AND he keeps trying to seduce you with those slutty selfies, man."
Eddie took his phone back, scrolling through the messages.
"And he’s so hot," Eddie whined without thinking.
"He is. But so are you! You need to talk to him."
"What if I fuck up?" He asked again.
"I fuck up all the time, and I still have a bunch of people who love me. Fucking up is part of being human, Eddie. I’m sorry if you’ve been told otherwise."
Eddie sniffed.
"Look, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. You choose to be with someone every day. You work hard to keep them and to make them happy because it makes you happy. You fuck up, and you apologize. You talk it through as many times as necessary and try to be better—for both of you. Everybody has a past, but you are not your past. You can choose to work toward your happiness."
Eddie squinted. "How the hell are you so wise? Aren’t you high right now?"
Ethan grinned. "I’m actually a therapist. And yeah, I’m pretty high, to be honest."