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“You know… for the goddess of love's daughter, you are shockingly hateful.”
She should not have internalized those words— probably. Who was to say when, really, they'd been entirely right, even if they were as mean-spirited and sharp as they were accusing her of being in the first place.
But Drew Tanaka was hateful, and she was vapid, and she was toeing the fine line between mean and cruel, which sounded the same but definitely felt different.
At least, she supposed she was famous. Her father— the one who actually loved her— kept telling her it was better than being infamous. That they were different and his sweet princess, because she had been sweet once upon a time, could only ever grow up to be the first.
Sometimes she wondered what he'd think if he saw her now. Probably nothing good.
It was okay, though. No one thought anything good of Drew anymore.
It still felt a little bit unfair sometimes, though. She hadn't always been mean. At least, she didn't think so. Her cabin was all about love, after all; she loved a lot of things. A lot.
Like her big sister, Silena. Drew loved her sister with her whole heart before she died.
Silena Beauregard was her rock after her father passed. They'd always been close, mainly because Silena was the perfect older sister, always kind and loving, but Drew got the news eight months before the war and that's when they became inseparable.
Of course, not inseparable enough, seeing as she'd still saw it fit to run off and get herself killed.
Not inseparable enough, seeing as she apparently hadn't thought twice about Drew's life when she made a deal with Luke.
Not inseparable enough seeing as she only ever died for her boyfriend.
But again, it was okay. There was no use in dwelling on the past, no matter how mad or betrayed she possibly could have felt.
She was just a shallow brat, after all. That's all anger got you at camp— the same thing had happened to that poor Nico kid; at least she thought so.
She thought they could've been friends if he'd stuck around, but maybe that was wishful thinking. She hadn't been close to any of her siblings since Silena died. It was lonelier than she liked to admit; she wouldn't mind a friend.
Except, because she was a total bitch, she got anything but with the arrival of Piper McLean and her perfect face and honeyed voice.
Drew didn't want another sister. She wanted a friend. Family was no use to her, and it was never worth it.
She already had a cabin full of siblings to look after, and all of them seemed more scared of her anger than touched by her attempts at leading them.
Sometimes she got really bitter about that too— they hadn't faced a single issue, much less admonishment, since Silena died. It was the best run cabin at camp.
Maybe that wasn't because of her, either, though. Everyone was on edge after Silena went from traitor to war hero. She'd long since stopped hoping anyone would benefit from her.
None of that mattered when her new sister arrived and took over, of course.
It didn't matter when she acted like they were somehow beneath her and it didn't matter when she pointed out that she'd been at camp for a fraction of the time Drew had been leading in the first place.
She didn't even try pointing out how smoothly everything was run because that didn't matter. She didn't say how she was only fifteen, right after her sister had decided her life was beneath her, when she'd taken over. That didn't matter either.
She was angry and bitter, and somehow both of those things were entirely the opposite of love. Alas, her cabin was being ripped away from her.
It was stupid, all of it, considering she hated the fucking title in the first place. She only wanted it when it was taken away from her, desperately and chokingly. Her place in camp being ripped out with it, maybe.
She wasn't delusional, after all. She knew perfectly well what people thought of her. No one tried to hide it, even if they liked to pretend otherwise. There was no moral high ground to take when everyone was grieving the same deaths.
Except everyone had taken it except for her, apparently— frozen in time, delusional, definitely, stupidly behind. She hadn't gotten the memo, hadn't attended the class, has missed a meeting, because everyone said there was no right way to grieve but she was grieving the wrong way.
Again, she reminded herself it was fine.
Told herself so when she mocked Piper to her face. Reminded herself when she screamed about how Silena wasn't a hero.
Breathed it in like a mantra when she saw her siblings’ faces.
It was understandable that they looked like that. After all, they hadn't been there.
Of course, a few of them had known Silena, but not like she did. Contrary to popular belief, lovers weren't cowards, and most everyone older than her had died in the war— some younger too. The people who always talked so big had arrived right before, during, or after the war.
By the time summer ended, she was a leader of basically no one. She took solace, small as it was, knowing that Apollo was in the same boat, and pretended she didn't hate herself for finding comfort in something so vile. But Will was kinder to her than normal so maybe he shared the sentiment. That too was comforting.
Piper hadn't been there either. She didn't know how it was to lead half a dozen kids with vacant eyes and the ghosts of the people who'd taken care of her, once. Only three of those kids had actually known Silena in the first place, and they were all younger than her.
It was suffocating, being watched like she was the monster. At least some of her original siblings didn't mind her; liking her would be pushing it, no matter who it was.
It was choking when she couldn't leave, and had no option but to shoulder a burden that wasn't hers, and being told she was the crazy one, anyway. It wasn't fair, and it made her wish her big sister hadn't been so selfish and that her siblings hadn't been so brave.
She shouldn't be leading anyone.
If it were up to her, she'd leave.
But Piper McLean didn't have enough with swooping in, with taking over and throwing all of her ghosts in her face. She just had to leave on top of that. She just had to leave Drew to pick up the pieces for some stupid fucking prophecy that affected everyone else too.
She didn't say any of that. She let her go, smiling sharply and wondering how much hatred she could accumulate before her mother disowned her.
She supposed it was a lot, considering she'd made it as far as she had. Sometimes she wished she hadn't. It would've been easier to be some unclaimed kid in Hermes.
But apparently, it would've also been easier to be a war traitor, so clearly, her perception of the world was skewed.
Still, she didn't want to be. She hadn't always been, even if no one remembered— before her anger had taken over, and her tears had made her cheeks permanently burn.
She used to be someone completely different, softer. Easier.
But that was never the life she was meant for, and as long as the Aphrodite cabin needed someone to run it, she was rooted in place, snapping and growling like a feral dog, left outside for too long. There was no prophecy to prove it but there didn't have to be, everyone knew this as well as she did.
Drew Tanaka would die tethered to her own demise, living right above her future grave.
That comment, shortly following Piper's departure, just confirmed it. If sweet, gentle Lacy, one of the only small kids that remembered a time before her war, could say that to her there was clearly no hope nor prophecy that could save her.
Drew was mostly okay with that— her anger might burn her into ash, but at least she'd die warm. She still hoped, despite everything, that Silena had.
Until then, however, she closed her eyes and dreamed of another life.
Maybe there she’d be good.