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When Jeremy Knox woke up in a hospital bed with a cast on his foot, he knew he’d fucked up.
Laila and Cat were standing hand in hand on one side of his bed, eyes red and puffy with tears. He looked around the room, but he couldn’t find the piercing grey eyed man he was looking for. He waited for him to come the next day, and then the next. By his third day in the hospital and still no sight of Jean, Jeremy felt like he was itching out of his skin.
“He’s outside,” Laila said when he finally asked, “He’s been outside every day, but he refuses to go in.”
“Why?” Jeremy asked, truly baffled.
Cat shifted, looking uneasy, “I don’t know, Jere, but he looks really angry.”
Jeremy winced, but he knew he’d have to have this conversation eventually. He’d just have to reassure Jean that he was okay, that everything was alright. “Can you please tell him I want to see him?”
Laila looked a little uncertain, but she still nodded and left the room with Cat. She came back in, with Jean in tow and at Jeremy’s nod, she left again, closing the door behind her. Jean was wearing dark jeans and a grey shirt under his biker jacket, and Jeremy’s heart let out a little flutter just at the sight of him.
But his face was completely blank. Jeremy couldn’t read a single emotion on him at all.
“It’s only six weeks,” he began cheerfully, “I can still hopefully play the last two games—”
“Was it worth it?”
Jeremy was taken aback by the abrupt question. “What?”
Jean waved one long hand in the general direction of Jeremy’s hospital bed. “Was it worth it?” He repeated, in a cold, furious voice Jeremy had never been on the receiving end of before. “The Trojans will not have their captain for the next four games. You will only get to play those last two games if we make it to the semi-finals without you. Scouts for teams will be there, but they will not get to see you. If your leg does not set right, you are one step closer to a career ending injury. So, tell me, was it worth it Jeremy?”
Jeremy’s mouth went gone dry. “Jean, it was a mistake—”
“It was not a mistake!” Jean snarled, “Do not coddle yourself. You are old enough to know when you are too sleepy to get behind the wheel, but you still made that conscious decision to put yourself and everyone else on that road in danger. So, tell me, was it worth it? Where is your mother, Jeremy? When Laila called, she said to let her know when you’re ready to be discharged.” Jean looks at Jeremy, and there are tears in his eyes. “Was it worth it? Was it worth us almost losing you?”
Jeremy couldn’t speak; he felt like his throat was filled with cement. He just stared at Jean, as Jean began to silently cry.
“You know,” Jean said finally, as he furiously rubbed at his eyes, “I looked up to you even before I came here. I thought, if Kevin thinks so highly of him, he must be someone special. And you were, you are.” Jean’s voice was deeper, more husky with his tears, and Jeremy wished he could do something, anything, to comfort him. Instead, he sat like a mannequin on that hospital bed, watching as Jean fought through his tears. “You are so special to me, Jeremy Knox, because of you, I am a better person. You are my partner, my friend, my captain. But I can’t—I won’t be there to watch you throw your life away.”
Jeremy didn’t think he heard right. His heart felt like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. “What?”
Jean shook his head and then he looked away and said, stiffly, “If you are cleared to play, you will be my captain one last time, but afterwards, go to law school, live that fake life and be miserable, but I won’t be there to see it. Let us be done with each other.”
Jeremy heard a loud beeping in the back of his skull, and it took him a moment to realize it was his heart rate monitor going out of control. His last memory was Jean stalking out the room and the nurses and Laila holding him down on his bed. Later, Laila told him he almost jumped out of bed and ripped out his IV trying to follow Jean out the door, begging for him to wait. The nurses asked if Jeremy wanted them to ban Jean from coming back, but he pleaded with them to let him know if he was ever here. They still looked concerned for him but reluctantly agreed. It didn’t matter in the end; Jean never came back.
Every day when his friends visited, he asked, “Jean?” and they always looked away from him and shook their heads. Every call went to voicemail. Every text was left unread. Jeremy began to wonder if Jean was one long, beautiful dream, and Jeremy had finally woken up to miserable reality.
Jeremy broke down in Laila’s arms, and she and Cat held him close. “I hate that he made you this upset,” Laila whispered, “but I can’t be mad at him either.”
“How is he?” Jeremy whispered, hungry for any little mention of his Jean.
“A ghost.” Cat said, rubbing at tired eyes, “He only talks to people about Exy or if someone directly asks him a question, and even then, it’s always a one-word answer. He just walks around campus like a wraith. I try to get him to do things with us, and he always agrees, but he’s miserable the whole time. Coach Rhemann called him to his office a few times, but he wouldn’t tell me what they talked about. But…” Cat’s voice broke, “Xavier said he overheard the Coaches talking about a transfer.”
“What?” Jeremy croaked, “You can’t be serious. He wouldn’t…” He didn't want to believe that Jean would leave the entire team, just to get away from Jeremy. Because if they were that far gone, there was no salvaging this.
“I don’t know, Jeremy,” Laila whispered, “I heard him talking to Kevin last night. It was all in French, so I don’t know what they said, but they talked for a long time.”
Jeremy didn’t think he’d stopped crying since the moment Jean left. “If I could just speak to him, just once—” He begged.
“But what would you say to him?” Cat asked, gently, “What would you say to change his mind? He let you brush him off all those times before, but he won’t this time.”
“He was so frantic when we found out,” Laila said, “I’ve only seen him that upset one time before.”
They all knew she was talking about the night Neil visited LA, the night he found out about Elodie.
“I need him,” Jeremy admitted, “I feel like my heart is being crushed.”
“You love him,” Laila said, “and he loves you.”
“But it isn’t that easy.” Jeremy sniffed.
“It isn’t easy,” Cat agreed, “but is he worth it? Is he worth making your life a little more difficult?”
“You know he is,” Jeremy said as he rubbed at his eyes, “He’s worth everything. But I’m so scared.”
“I know, babe.” Laila traced circles into his back, “It’s a scary decision.”
“I want him so badly,” Jeremy said into Laila’s shoulder, “I miss him so much. What if he’s done with me forever?”
“He’s not,” Cat said easily, “Anyone who sees that man knows he’s suffering. I think he would wait for you to choose him forever, but I don’t think you should leave him waiting that long.”
Jeremy was eventually discharged, and William came to take him back to his parents’ house. The next six weeks were like 6 years in hell. His mom visited a total of two times, and only to ask about LSAT prep. Bryson came by to offer Jeremy painkillers and called him slurs when he refused, and Annalise just popped her head in, wrinkled her nose, and walked away. He must have called Jean over a thousand times by now, but he couldn’t stop trying. William routinely took him to his doctors’ appointments and physiotherapy, and finally, the doctor was pleased with how the bone healed and gave him to okay to play again.
His first sight of Jean was like a parched man in a desert finding an oasis.
“Jean.” He called, after immediately making a beeline for him.
Jean didn’t look at him. “Captain. Good to see you’ve recovered.” He said this like he was delivering a funeral dirge.
“Can we talk? Please, Jean.” He didn’t even care that the whole locker room is watching him beg. “Just talk to me once.”
“Is it about Exy?” Jean asked, “Otherwise I do not think we have anything to speak about.”
Jeremy gasped, and Jean took that opportunity to push past him.
“Little harsh, don’t you think, Jean?” Xavier said mildly.
Jean didn’t even look back. “All you Trojans need to learn a concept called minding your own business.” And then the door slammed, and he was gone.
You Trojans.
After months of coaxing Jean had finally started including himself, saying ‘we’ and ‘us’, when he spoke about the Trojans, but all that progress was gone now too.
He fell against the lockers and closed his eyes.
“Jeremy…” Ananya squeezed his arm gently.
He shook his head, miserable. “He’s right to be angry at me, I’m the one who fucked everything up. I’m sorry, you guys.”
Pat gave him a reassuring pat on the back, “We got the team to semi-finals for you. Let’s go all the way, Cap.”
Even though he doubted the Coaches would put him in to play for the semi-finals, just being on the court made Jeremy feel like he was home. His first practice back, as he led the striker drills, he thought, I could happily do this for the next 40 years. So, when Coach Rhemann pulled him aside and told him the Arizona Serpents were looking for a new striker and wanted to meet with him, he immediately agreed.
Jeremy wished he could say that their fight had any negative effect on Jean’s performance, maybe that would have given Jeremy another reason to speak to him. But it was the opposite, Jean was like a finely honed weapon. He didn’t make a single misstep. He didn’t let a single ball past him. It was like he could see what the striker did before the striker themselves knew. The rest of the backliners whooped and cheered for him, but the grim look on Jean’s face never went away.
Cody caught Jeremy watching the defense drills and jogged over. “He practices by himself every night,” they admitted, “We tried to get him to stop, but we were worried he would just keep going to the court by himself, so we all take a day and practice with him. He’s ruthless on himself. If it was me, I wouldn’t be standing. He’s probably covered in bruises everywhere under there.”
Jeremy didn’t know what to do as he watched Jean work himself to the point of exhaustion. He knew Kevin and Neil were fanatics that practiced all day long, but Jean had always known his limits and taken care of his body before.
Tanner came up to Jean and excitedly asked him something, and although the dour look didn’t leave his face, he repeated the drill with Tanner until the freshman finally got it. Tanner looked at Jean with stars in his eyes, but Jean was already walking away. He walked up to Derrick and Derek and the two strikers were more than happy to scrimmage with him.
He'd always come straight to Jeremy when he needed a striker before. Jeremy walked away, wishing it didn't feel like he was mourning the loss of the best thing in his life.
The next week was one of the most painful ones of his life. So far, the only three things Jean had said to him (and this was after desperate amounts of prodding) were “Yes, Captain”, “That was not my intention, Captain” and “You’re blocking the door, Captain.” He knew Jean would need cold hard proof that Jeremy was willing to change, and he was working on it, but in the meantime, he simply couldn't keep himself away, so he hungrily ate up whatever small crumbs Jean threw his way.
“Jean,” Coach Rhemann called as they were all packing up after an afternoon practice, “Your papers are here. Come sign them so I can drop them off on the way home.”
Jean wordlessly followed Coach out. He didn’t look back once. A deadly hush fell over the locker room.
It felt like they were all holding their breath, until Cat let out a little choke. “He wouldn’t.” She whispered, “He wouldn’t just…not without telling me. Laila, he wouldn’t!” She began to cry, and Laila pulled her close, murmuring softly in her ear.
When Jean walked back out with a folder under his arm, he was almost thrown back by the force with which Cat tackled him.
“Catalina, what—”
“Leave…you can’t…. please.” Her wails were muffled into his shirt.
Jean let the folder fall to the floor and grabbed her by the shoulders. “I cannot understand what you are saying. Stop crying. What’s wrong?”
Cat sniffed, “You’re transferring.”
Jean blinked, and no one was expecting the confusion that took over his face. He eyed the rest of the room, before he looked back down at Cat and asked, very softly, “You want me to transfer?”
Jeremy almost couldn’t take it, that soft sadness in his voice, it broke his heart that even now, Jean would so easily believe that he wasn’t wanted. He knew, if Cat really did want him to go, he would go without a single complaint.
“No,” Cody was the first to speak, “No one wants you to transfer.”
“This was all a misunderstanding,” Xavier sighed, “It’s probably my fault. We shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”
“You’re…not leaving?” Cat asked hopefully.
“I wouldn’t leave you,” He replied, wrapping his arms around her. “We are going to live together next year, non?”
Cat began to cry again, and Jean looked even more pained. “Enough Catalina, you will give yourself a headache.”
Cat just clutched him tighter. He looked up at Laila. “Laila?” He asked helplessly, but Laila was just softly smiling at the two of them. Cat’s sniffles finally got quieter, but she still clung on to him.
Jean looked thoughtful. “Coach said a sophomore from Penn State is transferring in next year. Maybe that is what you heard?”
It was like the entire team let out a collective exhale.
“Group hug!” Someone yelled, and Jean’s “Absolutely not!” was quickly drowned out with the sound of giggles and stampeding feet. Laila scooped up Jean’s folder before it could get trampled in the melee. Jeremy watched with his heart in his throat as Jean scowled and tried to wiggle away from the sea of Trojans around him.
“How can all 28 of you have no sense of personal space?” He grumbled, but he finally gave up, going limp as a noodle and letting everyone celebrate around him.
“They’ll be okay.” Laila said softly, as she watched Cat laugh in the middle of the circle.
Jeremy nodded and bumped her hip. “We’ll be okay too.”
Once everyone finally dispersed, Laila waved the envelope at Jean. “So, what did you sign?”
He waved his hand back at her, “You can look. I was going to tell you once I signed.”
Cat hurried to Laila’s other side as she pulled out the stapled sheets of paper. The top said ‘Exy Olympics Youth Camp’. Jeremy’s chest expanded to twice its size with pride.
“You were invited to the Olympic Camp? Jean, that’s amazing.” Cat cheered.
Jean just shrugged.
Laila looked amused. “You know, you can look a little happy about it.”
“It will be fine,” Jean said dismissively, and then he added with a frown, “Josten will be there. Kevin also. It will be a headache all summer long.”
Cat snorted, and tangled her arm in his, “You are so predictable.” She began to drag him away. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Not stir fry,” He replied accusingly, “You have made it five times in a row.”
“I was trying to get you to say something! But you just quietly ate it every day, and that just made me more motivated to make it exactly the same the next day.”
“You are a strange girl. Maybe I should live alone.”
“Too late,” Cat sang, “I’ve become attached.” They both turned, and Cat yelled, “What’s the holdup?”
Laila grabbed his hand, and they ran after their friends.
When Jean opened the door, he just eyed Jeremy surrounded by suitcases and said nothing.
“Think you have room in the closet for all of this?” He tried for bright, but it came out pathetically hopeful.
“Where does your mother think you are?” Jean asked, folding his arms.
“At home,” Jeremy admitted, “At least, until she comes home from work and finds the note I left her.”
When Jean just raised an eyebrow, Jeremy said, “‘Leaving forever, don’t wanna be a lawyer’. Something along those lines.”
Jean just grabbed two of Jeremy’s suitcases and walked into the apartment, leaving the door open behind him. Jeremy felt like spring had come early.
He let Jean shove all the suitcases into his room, before he said, softly, “Will you look at me now, Jean?”
Jean froze with his back to Jeremy. Jeremy just took another step forward. “Please, sweetheart, just look at me once so I can apologize to you.”
Jean slowly turned, and his grey eyes were still hurt and weary. But when Jeremy held out a tentative hand between them, he slowly took it.
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said, “I’m so sorry, Jean, and you were absolutely right. It wasn’t worth it. None of that was worth it. But you are.” He waved at the room around them, “This life is. I’m sorry it took me so long to fight for it. I promise…I promise I’ll never do it again.”
Jean just looked at their joined hands. “What does this mean, Jeremy? I do not understand.”
“I love you.” Jeremy said, simply, “These past few months where I thought you were done with me were the worst months of my life. I don’t…I don’t know if you love me or not, but I still wanted to—"
“Don’t love you?” Suddenly Jean was angry again, and his grip on Jeremy’s hand tightened, “Don’t love you? Jeremy, I love you so much that when I saw you on that hospital bed looking like a corpse, I thought my heart was going to stop as well. Espèce d'idiot, mon cœur bat pour toi.” He hissed, before taking a deep breath, “All of this was because I love you. I will take care of you for the rest of my life if you let me, but this will not work unless you take care of yourself. Promise me,” his voice broke again, and his hand trembled in Jeremy's, “Promise me I won’t have to go through that again.”
Jeremy felt like his heart was about to burst with his love for this man. He pulled Jean close until he was in his arms, “I promise. I promise, Jean. I love you so much. I never want to lose you again.”
Something coiled tight loosened in Jean. He closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together. “Never again, mon cœur. I will not survive it.”
“You have to take care of yourself too, you know,” Jeremy added, gently stroking Jean’s hair, “You can’t keep practicing all day, you need to give your body a break.”
Jean just mumbled something against his breath. Jeremy pulled him even closer, “What was that?”
Jean scowled, but there was a tiny blush on his cheeks, “I was so angry at you, but I missed you so much. I would think about your stupid face all day long. At least when I was practicing it distracted me.”
Jeremy held his pinky out in front of him. “Okay, how about we both promise, from now on, we’ll take care of each other, but we’ll also take care of ourselves.”
Jean eyed Jeremy’s pinky like it was going to eat him. “What is that?”
“A pinky promise,” Jeremy said cheerily, “You have to cut off your pinky if you break it.”
Jean looked at him like he was insane, but he still hooked his pinky to Jeremy’s. Jeremy decided to try his luck. “We have to seal it with a kiss.”
Jean glared at him. “You try my patience every day.” But he still pulled Jeremy closer until their lips met, and Jeremy smiled into their kiss.
That night, after they’d put all of Jeremy’s clothes away, eaten dinner with Cat and Laila and curled up on the couch to go through Jeremy's new Arizona Serpents contract, they crawled into bed together and were halfway to sleep when Jeremy suddenly lifted his head off Jean’s chest with a sudden recollection. “Hang on, did you call me an idiot while professing your love earlier? Hey! And you called my face stupid too!"
“Yes,” his boyfriend said unrepentantly, “And I would do it again.”
Which just meant Jeremy had to tickle him until he took it back.