Chapter Text
When Eddie walks in, there are paper bags on the counter, and Buck’s back is to him as he puts things away in the cabinets. Man, things have been tough between them the last few weeks, and the tension in the house since he’s been back for the funeral has been a tightrope, but whatever he just walked into is thicker than concrete.
“Said I was gonna get the groceries.”
“Well, I was out. It’s fine.” Buck's voice is gruff and edgy.
“Doesn’t feel like it’s fine.” He pours a cup of coffee, stalling until he can figure out what’s got his friend upset. He doesn’t have to wait long.
“I heard you finally got the call from El Paso Fire.” Oh Fuck. Well, yep, that will do it. He turns around to face Buck, the cup halfway to his mouth. Buck’s face has the same look of anger and devastation that he’s worn since Eddie’s gotten home, and dammit - he knew he needed to tell him before it added to his pain.
“Who told you?” Eddie tries to keep his voice neutral.
Buck tosses the bread he’s holding into the pantry and slams the door. “Let’s see. Uh, Hen told Chimney that she wanted to throw you a surprise barbecue. Chimney told Ravi, and Ravi called me ‘cause he wanted to know if he should bring a gift.”
“I was gonna tell you.” Eventually.
“Yeah, but you didn’t, did you? No, instead everyone has been tiptoeing around behind my back, cause apparently I’m too fragile to accept the truth.”
“Can you blame us? Look how you’re acting now.” He’s still stomping around the kitchen, throwing things in cabinets.
“You really think I wouldn’t have been happy for you?”
“No. I know you wouldn’t be. You make it all about you. The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy in 97 acts. You’ve been spiraling since the funeral. And no one knows how to talk to you about it.” God just TALK to me. Eddie’s never seen his friend this shut down before. Normally HE’s the stoic one, the one who stores away his feelings from everyone else, Buck normally wears his heart on his sleeve, but this? No one knows how to handle him because no one has ever seen him like this. He stopped talking to them during the lawsuit, but even then, it wasn’t this bad.
“Sorry I'm sad that Bobby’s dead.” When Buck smarts off, Eddie knows he’s picked the right scab. He doesn’t really want to fight but at least maybe now they can deal with their shit. Still, it pisses him off and he can’t help getting in his friend’s face.
~
“Sorry I’m sad that Bobby’s dead.” Fuck WHY did I say it like that? Buck, you smart ass bitch. Can’t you just be a person for two seconds?
He knows he pushed too hard, and Eddie is in his face in a heartbeat, grabbing his shoulder and pointing at him. His face is flushed and his eyes…his eyes are so dark they are like mirrors reflecting all of Buck’s pain.
“You’re not the only one that lost him. We all lost him.” There are tears forming in those dark eyes now, and Eddie releases him, turning back to the kitchen island. “And we’re just trying to do our damn best to get through it.”
“Yeah I know.” Buck returns softly, feeling a little ashamed now.
“Really? Cause you never asked what it was like. Waking up in the middle of the night to that news. Sitting alone in the dark. Trying to keep it together so I don't scare the crap out of my kid. And when I woke up, I had to tell him another person he loved was dead.” This is the first time they’ve really talked about that night. He knows Tommy called him, but he’s right, he never asked. Mostly because it should have been Buck that delivered that news and he’s too pissed at himself for not having the strength to do it.
“Um…I’m - I’m sorry. I know he was important to you too.”
“He saved my life. And I wasn't there to save his. And a part of me will always wonder, if I was there, could I have made a difference?” God he really doesn’t understand, does he? What would have happened if he was?
Buck pulls away from the pantry, walking toward Eddie. “You don't think I did everything I could to save him?”
“I don’t know, Buck, I wasn’t there.” The tears that were threatening at the corners of Eddie’s eyes finally fall, and he turns to walk out of the kitchen. But Buck isn’t done. He’s not letting him walk away without understanding. He grabs his right forearm as he passes, doesn’t let him leave.
“Eddie.” His friend pauses, but doesn’t look at him. “Eddie, I’m so glad you weren’t.”
That gets his attention. “What? How could you even say that? I should have been with my team. Bobby could still be alive if I would have been there. I could have gotten him out.”
“Eddie, you wouldn’t have been on the outside with me. Ravi wouldn’t have been inside the lab. YOU would have been.”
~
“Eddie, you wouldn’t have been on the outside with me. Ravi wouldn’t have been inside the lab. YOU would have been.” Buck’s words echo in his head. No, that’s not right - if he’d been there, he could have gotten his team out, there would have been some way he could have saved them.
Buck still has a hold of his arm, steadying him as he continues. “I have been through every single scenario in my head a million times, trying to find any possible way to make a difference. To find that third option.” Deep down, Eddie knows this. He knows Buck would never stop to save the people he cares about - hell, he doesn’t stop when he has to save people he doesn’t even know. And if his family is in danger? He’d kill himself trying if he has to. And he’s still here - isn't that why he’s so fucking mad at him? Why didn’t he do MORE? And what kind of person does that make him? To wonder why his best friend is still alive because it meant that maybe he didn’t do enough.
“Eddie, if you were there, you would have been with them. Bobby, Chim, Hen, and YOU. Ravi was your replacement. And I was scared for all of them, trust me, I did everything I could to find a way. But if YOU were in there? I would have lost my damn MIND.”
Oh. That feels a little like a confession, and Eddie isn't sure why.
Buck’s hand tightens on his arm, and his other hand is in a fist, as if he’s trying to keep himself from shaking. His blue eyes are steel gray, and Eddie can tell he’s barely holding himself together at this point.
“I just can’t help but feel like I should have been there. Like maybe we could have figured something out, together, if I was. We always figure it out.”
“There wasn’t anything we could have done - his line was cut and he didn’t tell any of us until it was too late. Eddie, I’m so ANGRY with him. He turned around, and he LEFT me.” Buck finally unclenches the grip he has on his arm and stumbles back against the counter, pounding his head against the cabinet door. “He CHOSE to leave.”
Something happened down there - something no one knows. And Eddie realizes - Buck never asked him how it felt that night…but neither did he.
“Buck. What do you mean he chose to leave? Did something happen between you at the lab?”
His breath stutters as he draws it. “I don’t - Eddie he quarantined himself in front of me.”
“What? I thought you didn’t get to him in time.”
“No.” Buck shakes his head, his eyes closed, like he’s trying to block out something he doesn’t want to look at. “He was fine, we were going. Everyone else was out, we were the last ones to leave, Bobby and I. I turned around and he wasn’t behind me, so I went back to the lab to see what was going on, and he was waiting at the door for me. When I got there, that’s when he hit the quarantine button.”
“He waited until you were right there?”
“It was like he wanted me to see him do it.”
“That’s - that’s really fucked up.”
“I screamed at him to stop, and he just stared me in the eyes as he took off his breather and his mask.” Buck looks at him then, and his eyes are full of devastation. “I was SCREAMING at him, Eddie. But he was so pale. And when he got his equipment off, there was blood all over his face, and it had been there for awhile. He’d known. He’d known for HOURS that he was dying.”
Buck’s sobbing now, and all Eddie wants to do is reach for him, but he knows he can’t until he reaches the end of his story. He needs to get this out, he's been suffocating under the weight. He just nods and tells him, “It’s ok, keep going.”
“I was in shock, I think. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But he just kept staring into my eyes, and he said ‘You’re going to be ok, Buck. Remember that. They’re going to need you. I love you, kid.’ Then he turned and walked away. That’s when I called ‘Thena down - I knew she needed to see him before it was over. When she got down there, he told me not to let anyone else down into the lab, and to give him time to say goodbye to his wife. So I went out into the hall, and I think I just broke after that.”
The magnitude of what Buck just said hits Eddie like an anvil. The man Buck saw as his father not only waited until he was right in front of him to quarantine himself and show him he was going to die, but told him that he loved him for the first and last time, AND that his people would need him to be strong for them. Jesus Christ no fucking wonder he’s been a ghost of himself. He thinks he cannot let any of us see his pain because we all are depending on him to hold us up.
“Eddie, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’m trying so hard to be what everyone needs and I’m just fucking up so bad. I don’t know how to do it.” He rubs his chest, as if his sobs are choking him. “Eddie, I can’t…I can’t breathe.” He looks at him, eyes wide.
“Hey, hey, slow down. You’re safe.” Eddie wraps his hand around his shoulder, his thumb in place on Buck’s collarbone, putting pressure where he knows he needs grounding. With his other hand he takes Buck’s fist and uncurls it, and places it flat on his own chest. “I want you to feel my breathing, ok? I want you to breathe with me. Look at my eyes. There you go. Ok. In…Out….In…Out…”
Buck’s still shaking but at least he’s breathing normally now. Eddie steps closer and wraps his arms around his friend, grounding him further. “I knew you were grieving, Buck, but I didn’t know you had to witness something like that. None of us could figure out why you were so shut down. All we’ve wanted is for you to let us in.”
“You needed me. I was trying.”
“Hey, look at me.” Eddie pulls back so he can look into his eyes. “We need Buck. We need our friend - not whatever this brick wall has been, blocking us out. You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to be in pain. We all loved Bobby, but we all know how much YOU did. And we’ve all been so scared for you.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I should have been the one to tell you. I didn’t even know Tommy did until later. I honestly don’t even know who took me home that night.”
“Buck, if I had known all of this two weeks ago, we’d have had a very different conversation about all of it. All I’ve wanted was for you to let me in. I needed to grieve WITH you. That’s what I need from you - that’s the ONLY thing I need from you right now. For us to feel this, together. It’s been so lonely. Hasn’t it been lonely?”
Buck lays his head on Eddie’s shoulder. “It’s been so dark, Eddie.”
“I know. Thank you for letting me be in the dark with you. Let’s go sit. I’ll get us some water, OK?” He leads Buck to the couch and then goes back to the kitchen for a couple glasses of water. His friend looks exhausted, and Eddie is too, but he also feels a little relieved - he understands now, and maybe they can start moving forward from here.
~
“Hasn't it been lonely?” It's been impossible. Like he's been screaming into a void and no one can hear him. Like he’s back in that coma and he can’t find his way back to reality.
He drops his head onto Eddie's shoulder. “It’s been so dark, Eddie.’
“I know. Thank you for letting me be in the dark with you. Let’s go sit. I’ll get us some water, OK?”
Eddie still has his hand on his shoulder and uses that to steer him to the couch, where Buck collapses, feeling like his insides have been wrung out. He hadn't wanted to tell anyone what had happened down there. It was all too much. No one else needed to feel that. He sure didn't want to.
Eddie hands him a glass of water, and sits next to him. Pressed together shoulder to knee, like they so often do in the engine after a rough call, grounding each other. “Drink, Buck.”
He takes a sip, but even just a little is too hard to swallow, so he puts the glass down on the coffee table. “I shouldn't have told you any of that. You're dealing with so much already.”
“Buck, do you have any idea how scared I've been? The last time you shut us out like this was the lawsuit. And this is SO much worse. I knew you were headed for a crash and there wasn't anything I was able to do to stop it. You kept rating our grief but you would have scored lower than any of us.”
“I thought if I just kept going, I'd be fine.”
“Were you ever actually fine?”
Buck hangs his head. “No. Not really.”
“Yeah. None of us are. And I don't think Bobby meant for you to take all of it on your shoulders either.”
“That's what he said, though.”
“Is it? Because what you told me is that he told you he loved you, and that ‘they will need you.’ Not, do everything for them, not bury yourself, not ignore your pain. Just, ‘they will need you.’”
Buck shrugs.
Eddie shifts to turn toward Buck. “Look at me for a second.”
Buck doesn't move, just keeps staring at the water glass on the table in front of him, so Eddie grasps his chin and turns his head until he lifts his eyes.
“Buck, what Bobby did was cruel, but he wasn't wrong - we do need you. I need you.”
Oh. That feels a little like a confession, and Buck isn't sure why.
~
“We do need you. I need you.”
Buck looks startled at Eddie's last statement. I don't think I meant to say that out loud.
He stutters, trying to backtrack. “I mean, we need you to be yourself. We need you to be ok. Not…ok exactly, none of us are, but we can't lose you too.”
“I'm not going anywhere, Eddie.“
“You've been a ghost, Buck. Tonight's the first night I've seen you show any emotion at all. You didn't even cry at his funeral. I'm not sure you even spoke.”
“I-I could barely breathe.”
“Have you even slept in the last two weeks?”
“Some. But when I close my eyes…”
“Yeah, I get it. I’ve been there too. You don't have to be alone in this, Buck. I won't let you be.”
“I don't want you to have to carry this. Not this.”
“Buck, it's too heavy for you to carry on your own. It's crushing you.”
“I won't let it crush anyone else. I shouldn't have told you what happened at all. I'm so sorry. I didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't save him. I tried, Eddie. He wouldn't let me.”
Eddie watches his best friend crumble, bending at his waist, head in his hands as he sobs, almost screaming in pain.
He wraps his arms around him, but god. He's seen Buck break before, but never like this. He pulls Buck’s arms around his neck, puts his own arm under Buck’s thighs, and stands, lifting the bigger man. They don't lift weights for nothing. He carries him down the hall and places him gently on the bed, and removes his shoes. Then he climbs next to him and wraps his arms around him, pulling him as tight as he can, tangling their legs together. He runs his hand through Buck’s curls, and down his back, up again, softly, just making soothing motions.
Buck’s face is buried in his neck, and the violent weeping has settled into steady sobs at least, now. Eddie backs away just for a second, to check on him, and Buck latches on so tightly, as if he's terrified Eddie's going to leave.
“Shhh, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here.” He presses his hand back to Buck's head, stroking through his curls again.
Eddie's emotions are trashed. He realizes his face is wet too. He's been so worried about Buck for the last several minutes that he hasn't taken a second to react to this new information about Bobby's death. But now, in the dark bedroom, it's hitting him hard. Buck’s sobs are calming down but his are ramping up. He tries to shove it down so he can take care of his friend, but…fuck it. This is the point, right? For them to grieve together?
He just…lets it out. Not the wail that Buck did, but “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” as he begins weeping too.
~
“FUUUUUCK!!!” Eddie cries, and the floodgates open for him.
It startled Buck, and he lifts his head from where he's burrowed into his friend's shoulder. I did it again, I made it about me, and now he's destroyed with all of my shit.
He wraps his arms tighter around Eddie, pulling his head down to rest on his chest, and holds on while he lets out all of the emotions that have caught up to him.
Eddie's sobs have reopened Buck, and he's crying hard again too, and for a while they just hang onto each other for dear life. Eventually, they both settle, wearing themselves down until there are no more tears to shed.
They don't speak, Eddie gets up to get the water from the living room. Buck grabs some tissues so they can blow their noses. Both take off their tear soaked sweaters, and change into sweats. Then they both come back, pull down the covers and return back to the position they were in before.
Somewhere, down in that deep, dark place where grief lives, something has cracked open.
They pull each other tight, and fall into the deepest sleep either has had since the accident.