Chapter Text
Sawamura knocked gently on the door and walked in. The bedroom was dark, dimly lit by the light coming through half-closed blinds. Sugawara was laying on his side, facing the wall. He'd been there for most of the morning, now pushing into the afternoon.
"Are you awake?" He muttered, stepping closer towards the bed.
"Yeah," the blond replied, his voice low. He didn't move.
Sugawara had seemed excited at first. He'd received all the instructions—how long to fast, when to get to the hospital—and repeated them to himself like a mantra, voice shaking, fingers brushing nervously against his mouth in disbelief. Then, something shifted. He went silent and said he needed to shower. An hour later, when Sawamura stepped into the room, he'd found his friend sleeping. It was odd, but at first he let him be. Now, hours later, the oddity of it all had become too much to ignore.
"How are you feeling?" He sat on the mattress.
"Great."
"It's almost noon. Don't you want to go to the living room?"
"I'm okay."
Sawamura sighed and looked around. "What about your medication?"
"Already took it."
He hummed. "And was it okay? Without any food?"
"Just a bit of nausea. I'm okay now."
Sawamura knew something was as wrong. It was obvious, glaringly so. He carefully laid down next to his friend, facing his back.
It felt strange. He was lightheaded, his shoulders tensed up, there was a slight buzzing sensations across his arms and chest. He was nervous. Neither had addressed the kiss earlier, and he didn't know if he should. Would it mean anything, or would they pretend it never happened? Would it taint their friendship, would the blond regret it and distance himself? He wondered if that's why Sugawara had isolated himself in the room.
And Sugawara had started it. He knew he had. He replayed it all in his head all morning, as if it was a fading dream he clung to after waking up. It almost made him angry. It made no sense for him to feel like he'd breached past a boundary when he wasn't even the one to start it. He'd reciprocated, he couldn't be in the wrong. And yet, he felt it. Almost as if he was dirty.
"What's going on?" He finally asked. "Don't say nothing."
It had always been so easy to touch him. To hug him, to fall asleep leaning in each other's shoulders. It had always been light, casual, almost instinctive. Now, he was so aware of himself. Aware of the distance between them. He couldn't touch him. It would mean too much if he did.
"Just tired."
He sighed, laying on his back to face the ceiling. "Does it have to do with me?"
"Huh?"
"Like, do you want me to leave?," he cleared his throat, which felt tighter by the second. "I can leave. I can call Asahi to stay with you, or whoever you want."
They were both quiet for a moment.
"Do..." the blond paused. "Do you want to go?"
"No. But you seem like you want me to."
The blond hummed. "Well, I don't."
"They why are you acting like this?" Sawamura turned back towards him. "Can you at least face me?"
Sugawara sighed loudly and turned around. He didn't have his patches on, but he kept his eyes closed at first. He blinked a few times, as if to check his friend was beside him.
"Happy?"
"Getting there," he tried to keep his voice steady as his heart seemed like it would burst out of his chest. He wanted to kiss him again, to fix the messy strands of silver hair on his forehead and pull his face closer, but he couldn't.
Not only that, but it might never happen again.
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
Sugawara shifted on the bed and rubbed his face before lightly blinking again. "I'm scared."
Sawamura hummed. "Of the surgery?"
The blond nodded. "Sort of. I'm not too thrilled about going under the knife again, but it's not that. I'm scared it's not going to work. It the doctor messes up, or if my body ends up rejecting it..."
Sawamura was silent. He wanted to say those were unlikely, but he knew those words would fall flat.
"My life kind of sucks right now, but... I had hope, you know? Like, I spent everyday waiting for that call," he fidgeted lightly with the hem of his shirt. "And now it came, and..."
"And why not have hope now?"
Sugawara smiled. "It's different, Daichi."
"How is it different?"
The blond shook his head.
"It really is," he was quiet for a moment. "I think I just want to be alone for a bit, okay?"
"Suit yourself, Suga," Sawamura got up from the bed. "You know where I'll be. Let me know if you need anything."
He closed the bedroom door behind himself and closed his eyes. They stung. He brought his hand up to muffle the sound of his crying. Gravity weighed on him differently, as if it pulled him down directly from the head. He made it to the couch and laid face up, starring up at the blurring ceiling.
He felt ashamed. There was a selfishness inside of him, a selfishness which disgusted him. Even if he couldn't admit it out loud, he knew part of him dreaded how the surgery would impact their relationship. He'd grown used to it all, to coming home to his best friend, to feeling needed and wanted. He'd allowed his feelings for him, the fondness, affection, and budding desire grow and seep into their routines, like a flower he'd nurtured into blooming in the privacy and freedom of those apartment walls. Away from everyone's eyes, their judgements.
He loved him.
It was now impossible to deny it. He loved that man, loved him beyond how one loves a best friend. And what was left for them? A relationship? A police officer and a primary school teacher in a small town, how would that ever work? With the judgement of their families, with the inquisitive eyes of their friends, the scorn of their coworkers?
It wouldn't be socially acceptable anymore for him to sleep there, to cook him dinner every night and talk about their days. Now the outside barged into their little world. And that flower he'd cultivated, it would wither away.
**
**
Sugawara had called his younger brother to tell them all the big news. When he arrived, Sawamura found it best to let them be. Almost on autopilot, he walked towards the park.
It was the weekend, so it was fuller than usual. The sun was uncomfortably bright, his chest was folding into itself. Leaning over the rusty fence, he watched the children playing around for a bit before calling Azumane.
"How busy are you right now?"
"Hum... Not at all, actually. Is everything alright?"
"Suga has a donor. He's getting the surgery tonight."
"Oh! Oh, wow..." he heard the other drop something. "Oh, damn it-"
"I can call you later if you're busy."
"No! It's fine, I just..." he sat somewhere with a loud thud and sighed. "Wow, that's huge news. So he's getting his vision back?"
"Seems like it."
"How's he feeling? Pretty excited I bet," he paused for a moment. "Should I get him like a gift or something? Or is that not appropriate..."
"Asahi," he pinched his nose bridge.
"Sorry, I'm rambling here. I'm just... wow," he took a deep breath. "I can only imagine how much this means to him. Is his family there already, or..?"
"His brother's at the apartment," he walked into the park and towards the familiar tall tree. "His parents will probably be there soon, too."
"Is recovery gonna be quick? I bet he's crazy to just go back to his regular life..." he pondered. "Both of you, I guess."
Sawamura stopped on his track right by the tree. He stared at it intently, into the lines and ridges of the old trunk. It felt rough under his fingertips. He closed his eyes.
"Asahi, I..." he sighed. "We kissed."
His friend was silent on the other end. He rubbed his temples and swallowed dry.
"Oh."
"What?" He pressed. All he wanted was for the other to say something, to keep talking. His silence made him nervous.
"Well," he cleared his throat. "I guess I owe Yū some lunch."
Sawamura frowned. "What?"
"I know know if he even remembers the bet..."
"There was a bet?" His eyes widened in confusion.
"It was his idea!" Azumane defended himself.
"How..." he rested his back against the trunk.
"Daichi, it was kind of obvious when you think about it..." he cleared his throat. "But I didn't think you guys would actually get to it."
"And he did?"
"Well, I mean... He won the bet."
Sawamura almost wanted to laugh. His chest felt light, as if an anchor was lifted from his shoulders. It was funny, it warranted at least a smile, and yet his body reacted in the complete opposite way. His eyes filled with tears, his knees trembled and forced him to sit on the ground.
"Are you..."
"No," he denied, pathetically so. "I just..."
"We can talk about it. If you want."
He pulled his cellphone away so Azumane couldn't hear his muffled sobs. He didn't fully understand why he was crying. There was so much he could think of, and at the same time nothing at all. His mind was overwhelmed to the point of blanking.
"I just..." he swallowed. "I'm just confused. That's all."
"That's fine, I mean... It's a lot to process, You said it all happened today?"
"Yeah. Yeah, but..." he took another deep breath. "You know what? It doesn't matter right now. I really just wanted to tell you about his surgery. I'll sit on the whole thing after, when he's okay."
"Hum..." Azumane seemed to ponder. "Sure. Thanks for letting me know. I'll get him a gift, I think..."
"Yeah," Sawamura laughed through the tears. "Yeah, do that."
His friend was silent for a few seconds. "I'm glad you told me, Daichi. Really. You know you can talk to me about anything, yeah?"
"Thank you, Asahi. I'll call you later."
**
**
Sawamura walked around the park one more time and made it back to the apartment. Sugawara was in the living room, teaching Braille to his younger brother. Sato jumped out of the couch at the sight of the brunet.
"Hey, there," he greeted the younger boy, trying not to stumble back with his hug. "Just you? Where are your parents?"
"They're coming," Sato replied. "Should be here in like an hour or so."
Sawamura felt his own stomach growling and looked outside. It was still light outside, but definitely getting into late afternoon. "Have you eaten?"
"I had some protein bars on the drive here..."
"Let me cook you something. Suga, can you have anything?" He knew the answer, but it felt polite to ask.
The blond shook his head, laying on the couch. "Still fasting. Don't cook anything too nice in solidarity, yeah?"
The brunet chuckled and began preparing a simple meal for the both of them. There wasn't too much in the fridge anyway—he'd been planning to do groceries soon. Sugawara's parents would probably do them if they oversaw his recovery. The thought knocked the smile right off his face.
As they were eating, tye couple arrived. Just as Sawamura had imagined, they brought small suitcases. They made it into the living room and hugged their sons, then turned towards him.
"I can't even begin to thank you..." Sugawara's mother hugged him tightly, her husband standing just a step behind. "Was he a handful?"
"Not at all," he tried to chuckle, matching their humorous tone. Deep down, he felt as if someone stabbed him right into the chest. The sun was setting, Sugawara's relatives stood out in the living room like cracks in a jar. It all felt so odd, almost dreamlike. He should be happy.
He wanted to yell.
"It's almost time, right, dear?" His mother looked down at her watch. "Didn't the doctor say..?"
"I can drive," Sawamura almost pleaded. He tried to keep his voice firm, his expression casual.
"Oh, we'd never ask you..."
"I really don't mind," his chest tightened.
"I brought my car, son," Sugawara's father touched his shoulder. "We cam drive him, don't worry about it."
"But..."
"You should go home and get some sleep, dear. You look exhausted," his mother smiled at him.
And so they left.
They got into the car, Sugawara's father drove away. Sawamura stayed in the living room, body heavy on the chair. He slowly washed the dishes. Gravity weighed on his shoulders. Lightheaded, he took a last look around. He walked outside and locked the door—spare key in the flower pot, just as he’d first found it. Then, he left.