there is love in the form of needles

by 872chickensinatrenchcoat

Summary:

The sickness had struck suddenly.

According to Kikyo, Illumi had been acting completely normal up until the moment he’d collapsed at dinner. It proved fortunate that he was visiting home at the time, as they were able to give him excellent medical care right away.

And yet, nothing the family doctors tried seemed to make any difference in his condition. Days passed, and Illumi still didn’t awaken. An oppressive Nen hovered over him, one that no exorcist could dispel or even make sense of.

Slowly, day by day, Illumi began to change. It was almost unnoticeable at first—just a new tint of green in his fingernails, an unnatural growth to his hair. Soon enough, it became impossible to ignore. Illumi’s eyes were sunken in his skull, tiny vines sprouting out of them and climbing down his face. Thicker tendrils of vines sprouted from various places on his body and grew over him, imprisoning him in a thorny cage.

Kalluto couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him for long.

Chapter 1: the power of blood

It was a dark and stormy afternoon.

 

Rain drove down relentlessly, picking at the roof of the mountain like fingers, tap-tap-tap: a horde of restless ghosts who wanted in.

 

Inside the mountain, the atmosphere was gloomy at best. While dim light trickled down through a few distant skylights, torches provided most of the illumination in the room—but their flames were all guttering low, a dispirited purple in color. As if they, too, were cursed…

 

“Is there truly no other way?”

 

It was Kikyo who posed the question. She wrung her hands as she looked beseechingly at her husband, in what was as much a performance of distress as it was a tell of real anxiety.

 

“The most skilled Nen exorcists could do nothing,” Silva said heavily, though all of them knew that already. “We need Nanika’s power. It’s the only option left.”

 

Another tense silence followed, this one broken by Milluki.

 

“Personally, I’m not concerned,” he said dismissively. “Haven’t we used that power all the time in the past? A few butlers might’ve died, but things always worked out fine in the end.”

 

The subtle irritation that arose in Silva’s face would have been invisible to anyone who wasn’t family, but Milluki wilted immediately at the sight of it.

 

“We still lack a proper understanding of how Nanika works,” Silva said. “However, what I find most concerning is the possibility of Killua failing to cooperate.”

 

Kikyo gasped, drawing her hands to her mouth dramatically. “Would Kil let his brother die?”

 

“Killua…has changed. His affection for Alluka has seemingly rendered him irrational, and so I find it hard to predict what action he might undertake in this scenario.” Silva paused, the smallest furrow appearing on his brow. “More pressingly, I’m not sure we’ll be able to track them down in time.”

 

“I’ll do it.”

 

Kalluto hadn’t planned on speaking, but the words were out in the air now. His whole family was staring at him, their expressions suggesting they’d forgotten his presence: not that he wasn’t used to that from them.

 

“I’ll bring Alluka home,” Kalluto elaborated. “And if Killua objects, then the two of them can come together. I swear, I’ll bring him home—no matter what.”

 

Zeno nodded approvingly at him. “Good lad.” Turning to Milluki, he said, “Look, Kal is more enterprising than you. Shouldn’t you try to keep up?”

 

“Do all of you think I’ve just been sitting on my ass this whole time?” Milluki countered. As his question was answered with a collective silence, his next words came out loud and angry. “Well, for the record, I haven’t! I’ve been busy making this!”

 

Milluki took some object from his hoodie pocket and tossed it to Kalluto, who caught it instinctively. 

 

“A compass,” Kalluto said, turning the creation around in his hand to study it more closely.

 

He’d never seen a compass quite like it before. To start, the whole thing was glowing faintly with aura, though that didn’t surprise him. More strikingly, there were none of the usual cardinal directions. In their place: the faces of their family, spaced evenly around the center and depicted in a strangely cartoonish style.

 

Not everyone was present, he noted. Rather, the compass seemed to include the family members who more often left the house—and Milluki was there too. In order, it went: Zeno, Silva, Kikyo, Illumi, Milluki, Killua, Alluka, Kalluto.

 

Kalluto found himself mildly surprised that Milluki had even included Alluka to begin with; perhaps his older brother was more clever than he’d given him credit for.

 

“I suppose it doesn’t work like a normal compass,” Kalluto said, looking to Milluki for an explanation.

 

Still miffed from their earlier dismissal of him, Milluki just slouched back against the wall, folding his arms petulantly across his chest.

 

“It’ll work better than your little paper dolls,” he sniffed, “that much I’ll tell you.”

 

Kalluto mustered his patience. “I’ll need to know how it works in order to use it properly.”

 

Under Silva’s stern glare, Milluki quickly relented. “The compass is for tracking, obviously. When I was making it, I added a drop of blood belonging to each person represented on its face. And unlike your dolls, time or proximity are irrelevant. The connection won’t ever fade. It’s basically idiot-proof; there’s absolutely no way you won’t be able to track down any of us who are on there. That’s the power of blood.”

 

A connection that would never fade…and a solid guarantee that you would find whoever you were looking for.

 

Kalluto’s eyes narrowed as he stared Milluki down. He knew there was no way it could possibly be that easy, even with the familial restriction. Things never were with Nen.

 

“What’s the price?”

 

“Tell it who you want to find, first,” Milluki challenged, “and then I’ll tell you.”

 

Kalluto wasn’t particularly happy with how he was framing this, but he didn’t want to take the time to push him. He was too impatient to start his mission.

 

“I want to find Killua,” Kalluto told the compass. 

 

Would it have been more prudent to say Alluka? Likely, but he would bet his life on the two of them still traveling together. Looking at the tiny image of his older brother now, he felt…he wasn’t quite sure. Ridiculous, maybe. Perhaps a little pathetic.

 

As if activated by his words, the bloody red glow of the compass shifted, until the majority of it highlighted Killua’s face specifically. From there, a line of glowing Nen dripped down to the middle of the compass, and as soon as the Nen reached the metal dial from which the hands protruded, the dial began to grow, twisting rapidly upwards around the center. 

 

Then the movement ceased, leaving a wicked-looking thorn as the centerpiece. 

 

“Now you just prick your finger on the thorn,” Milluki said, with a certain relish. “After that, the contract will have been formed. You’ll be linked to the compass, and it will guide you in the right direction. It pulls you…you’ll just know what direction to go. Oh, and one last thing. If you were to give up on finding them—if you decided to go home without him, for example—the Nen would backlash, and then you yourself would become…unfindable.”

 

Unfindable. 

 

There was an ominous ring to the word, but Kalluto had no idea what Milluki meant by it.

 

Before Kalluto could ask, Silva did. “Please explain what exactly that entails.”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Milluki paused, forehead scrunching in deep thought. After another moment, he shrugged. “You know, I never put that much thought into designing that condition. It needed to be something serious, but not anything that would cause death, obviously. But I’m pretty sure that becoming unfindable would cut all ties to our family. We’d never be able to find you again, and you’ll never be able to find any of us again. A complete severing.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Kalluto objected. “It would stop me from returning home? How exactly does that work?”

 

Milluki shrugged again, obnoxiously. “Look, just don’t break the condition, and you’ll be fine. Who cares about some hypothetical. Failure isn’t an option, anyway.”

 

Objectively, Milluki was right. And yet…Kalluto despised this kind of lackadaisical attitude. He hated when serious matters weren’t treated seriously, and he hated even more when rules weren’t properly explained.

 

Quite suddenly, Kalluto missed Illumi with a near-overwhelming intensity. He would’ve pried a better explanation out of Milluki. Just as much as Kalluto, Illumi felt the need to understand all the underlying rules of a situation. If he were here—

 

“Fine,” Kalluto snapped, and without further hesitation he pricked his finger on the thorn. 

 

A drop of blood immediately welled up, and as it slid down the compass, it dissolved, seeping under the surface to join all the other blood inside. Briefly, he wondered if there would ever come a time when the compass was too full of blood to take any more.

 

The Nen-line on the compass darkened in color, turning a deep blood-red. He felt a pull in his gut, his blood guiding him to Killua, and turned to follow the feeling.

 

There. He’s that way.

 

“It seems you’ve caught the trail,” Silva said, to which Kalluto only nodded absently in response.

 

Already, the urge to leave, to chase after this feeling, was almost undeniable. 

 

Kalluto’s life had narrowed down to a single purpose, an urgent whisper in his blood: find Killua. Find him, and bring him home.

 

He packed his bag quickly, and within an hour he was gone.

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

Somehow, the journey still took weeks.

 

Weeks of hiking through canyons and across arid plains, traveling under moonlight to avoid the scorching sun, hacking his way through thick jungle with a single minded determination. He crossed oceans: first flying south to Japan and the Yorbian continent, then west to the Belgrosse Union, then north to Kakin. 

 

The trail was ever-shifting, elusive, infuriating. Countless times, Kalluto thought crossly, can’t he just stay in one place for a while? It was almost as if Killua knew he was on his trail and was making it as difficult as possible for him to follow.

 

At long last, he ended up on a remote northern island. It was roughly the same latitude as Kukuroo mountain, about halfway across the ocean from the Mimbo Republic. If he’d gone only a little further, he’d have made a full loop around the mapped world. He supposed he would make a full loop once he returned home.

 

Technically speaking, Kalluto had once undergone a much longer journey. It had taken months to even reach the shores of the Dark Continent, after all…and yet these past few weeks had somehow stretched his patience even more than that time had.

 

At least back then he’d had Illumi with him, reliably there by his side.

 

And it wasn’t as if Kalluto needed a safety net or anything of the sort—a Zoldyck didn’t need anyone’s protection. It was only that Illumi had been right there on that journey, his unshakable presence a reassurance that Kalluto hadn’t fully realized until it was gone.

 

Kalluto couldn’t shake the image of the last time he’d seen his older brother and how different he had looked then. He didn’t want to imagine what Illumi might look like now, but his brain, which was usually so compliant with his demands, was no longer cooperating.

 

Stop that.

 

A sudden pain thankfully snapped him out of his thoughts. Sharp and demanding, it came from his foot. 

 

Looking down, he saw that he’d carelessly stepped on a thorn. Considering his sturdy boots, this wouldn’t generally be an issue, except the thorns on this island were quite impressive in their size and toughness. From the feel of it, this one had managed to pierce a good way into his foot, which was less than ideal.

 

This region of the island was overgrown with massive, thorny vines. Most likely, that was why he hadn’t run into any people for the past few days—it wasn’t exactly a nice place to visit. Though the thorns were easy enough to avoid so long as you were paying attention…which he had clearly not been.

 

Annoyingly, upon yanking out the thorn, blood began spurting from his foot at a rapid rate. Stop that, he thought automatically, once again, and then became annoyed with himself for thinking something so inanely stupid. 

 

Naturally he’d brought plenty of medical supplies with him, though he’d hardly had need of them until now. It was a simple matter to wrap his foot in bandages. The issue came in walking; while the pain wasn’t bad at first, as the minutes ticked by it gradually worsened, until the throbbing ache was somewhat difficult to ignore.

 

Stubbornly, he refused to slow his pace or take a break.

 

I am a Zoldyck. I will not be defeated by a thorn, of all things.

 

And yet, eventually he took a step that forced a gasp out of him. Though a lesser man would no doubt be screaming in pain, he still felt irritated by his body’s uncontrolled reaction.

 

Suddenly there was a sharp tug in his gut, and he felt as if he’d been electrocuted. 

 

Killua!

 

Kalluto knew with an impossible certainty that his brother was nearby: close enough that if he were to shout his name right now, Killua would hear him.

 

If he only called Killua’s name…but he couldn’t. He felt certain he’d be unable to prevent the pain from bleeding into his voice. It would sound like a call for help; Killua, come save me!

 

Kalluto couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lower himself to that.

 

Another angry throb came from his foot, the worst one yet; this time, the pain radiated up his leg, a twisting, living thing. He sat down—the world spun at the motion, and he blinked a few times until it stopped. Then he pulled up his pants leg, needing to see the injury again.

 

…That does not look good. 

 

There were…vines under his skin; he didn’t know how else to think of it. The twisting patterns of the marks which marred his skin, along with the dark green-purple color of them, looked eerily like the same vine he’d stepped on. And now it was growing inside him, overtaking him, creeping a little farther up his leg every few seconds. 

 

Soon, the infection might devour him entirely.

 

But I’m immune to poison, he reasoned, and the logic calmed his rapidly beating heart. 

 

No, there was no chance Kalluto would die from this. Still…even Zoldyck poison immunity had its limits. As Illumi had explained it to him once, their superior genetics still had flaws, which meant that poison training could only do so much. And so, a poison that by all rights should kill him would just slow him down instead. Put him to sleep, perhaps. 

 

Killua would probably be fine, the prodigy that he is.

 

Kalluto pushed the bitter thought aside—this was no time for moping. He felt…a little queasy, though mostly light-headed, weak. He resisted the feeling of impending unconsciousness that came over him, darkening the edges of his vision. Kalluto needed to get up, he needed to keep moving. Killua was so close, and he’d been searching for him for so long, for years, even when he wasn’t meaning to: his eyes always seeking out any white hair in a crowd, his mind seemingly unable to let go of the brother who’d left him behind.

 

After all this time, he was so close to finding him; how pathetic would it be to give up now?

 

Just as Kalluto opened his mouth to call out his brother’s name, indignity be damned, he found he’d lost his voice. Perhaps I should have called for help after all, he thought, and then darkness closed over him.

 

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

The sky was a soft pink, the same delicate shade as cherry blossoms.

 

Soft, he thought hazily, and stretched out an arm to touch it. He couldn’t, though. The sky was too far away. No, it was his arm…his arm wouldn’t move. Why…

 

He frowned, and tried again. Another failure.

 

Where am I…?

 

There was a sound like a zipper, and he sensed a new presence behind him.

 

Before Kalluto could feel any fear, he caught a familiar smell, and his heart skipped a beat. Jasmine tea…

 

“Mother?” Kalluto asked, his voice coming out scratchy, barely louder than a whisper.

 

His question was answered with a rude snort, and then the person came into view, leaning over his head. Instantly, the fog in his mind vanished.

 

“That’s funny,” Killua said dryly. “What gave you that idea?”

 

Killua, Killua, Killua. 

 

Kalluto felt almost dizzy. He certainly couldn’t answer him. Even as he felt suddenly and entirely awake, no words would come: no thoughts could even form in his brain. 

 

It had been a little over five years since he had last seen his brother.

 

At sixteen, Killua’s face was both the same and completely different from his face when he was eleven. He looked like the teenager he was now, with hardly any baby fat remaining in his cheeks, yet his eyes were exactly the same: a harsh and cutting blue just a shade warmer than Silva’s.

 

Kalluto had forgotten how it felt to be pinned under that gaze. He was being cut-open.

 

“Killua,” he said at last.

 

“Yup, that’s my name,” Killua replied. He looked like he was barely restraining himself from rolling his eyes. “Can you sit up?”

 

Kalluto tried, he truly did. While moving felt less impossible than it had when he’d first woken up—he could wiggle his fingers now—sitting up unassisted was a different matter entirely.

 

“I need help,” he was forced to admit.

 

He thought for a second that Killua would just roll his eyes and leave him lying there. It looked like he was considering it, but then he grabbed Kalluto’s shoulder and roughly pushed him into an upright position, leaving him leaned against one wall of…ah, this was a tent. He should’ve realized that sooner, but he’d been fairly distracted. 

 

That done, Killua held out a mug of tea in a silent offer.

 

Kalluto wasn’t sure his hands were steady enough to drink it, but what were the alternatives? He couldn’t admit to that weakness, and the thought of Killua…helping him drink it, like he was some helpless baby bird, was entirely repulsive.

 

So he reached out and took the mug. Only a little of the tea sloshed out onto the floor of the tent; he’d consider that a success. Taking a slow sip of tea, he felt instantly rejuvenated by the soothing taste, and almost wanted to close his eyes.

 

Surprisingly, Killua waited until he’d drunk half the mug to ask, “What are you doing here?”

 

Kalluto wasn’t sure how to phrase his response, his thoughts still slow to form. To delay, he asked a question of his own. “How did you find me?”

 

Killua said nothing for half a minute, watching him with narrowed eyes. “It wasn’t hard. I was just walking, and then we stumbled across your unconscious body.”

 

Kalluto didn’t miss the change in pronouns—so Alluka was with him, then. Excellent.

 

“We also found this in your bag,” he said, pulling something from the pocket of his hoodie. It was the compass. “Milluki’s work, right?” As Kalluto silently nodded, he glared down at the compass accusingly. “Stupid thing. I should break it.”

 

“Don’t,” Kalluto blurted, hot panic bursting like blood in his mouth. “Please. I don’t know what will happen if you do.”

 

Would the mission be counted as a failure if the compass were to be broken? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t risk the chance of never being able to return home.

 

“Fine, fine, I won’t,” Killua said, holding his hands up appeasingly. He slipped the compass back into his pocket. “The damage is already done, anyway…but I’ll hold onto this for now.”

 

There was an awkward pause. Kalluto wondered if Killua was waiting for a thank you, since he’d agreed not to break the compass. He wouldn’t be getting one if he was.

 

“You could’ve died, you know,” Killua said after a minute, his voice quietly accusing. How strange…was he actually mad? Kalluto couldn’t tell, but it seemed that way. “Those thorns are no joke. Their poison puts people to sleep for years, and the victims can’t wake up without treatment. If nobody finds you…well. You’d probably end up getting eaten by dragons.”

 

Dragons…like Zeno’s Nen? Wait.

 

“I thought dragons were all extinct.”

 

“Nope. They might be pretty rare nowadays, but in the known world, almost all of the remaining ones live on this island.” He fixed Kalluto with a heavy stare. “Dragons aren’t usually too dangerous for Nen-users, but they have a taste for human flesh. Even with our training, the poison would’ve kept you asleep for at least a day. That’s plenty long enough for a dragon to find you and eat you.”

 

Kalluto was beginning to understand the weight of the situation. In his unforgivable carelessness, he’d underestimated the situation and nearly gotten himself killed.

 

“Thank you for saving me,” he made himself say, before a thought hit him like a lightning-bolt. He should’ve realized it instantly. “Was it Nanika who healed me?”

 

And he knew he must be fully healed, because the pain was entirely gone. He felt totally fine, aside from the lingering stiffness in his limbs that he assumed was temporary.

 

Though Killua didn’t look pleased, after a moment he nodded tersely.

 

“I need Nanika’s power,” Kalluto blurted. “It—Alluka has to come back with me.”

 

“Back home?” Killua said sharply. When Kalluto nodded, he laughed once, disbelievingly. “No. Absolutely not. Why the hell would I allow that?”

 

“ILLUMI IS DYING!”

 

Kalluto hadn’t meant to shout, but as his senses returned, the urgency hit him once again like a heavy fist to the stomach. The memory he’d been forcing back all this time, the horrid vision of Illumi’s inhuman form lying still on the bed, returned to him, and it was all he could do to not shudder violently under its assault. 

 

Killua stared at him in silent shock with his mouth slightly open, eyes wide and frightened. He appeared much closer to the brother Kalluto was familiar with then, as if he’d become a child again before his eyes.

 

The moment passed; Killua’s eyes narrowed, turning cold and hard.

 

“Yeah, right,” he sneered. “Don’t lie to me, Kalluto—it insults both our intelligence.”

 

“I’m not lying!” Kalluto hadn’t imagined this scenario, somehow: his brother not believing him. His own voice sounded high-pitched and childish to his ears, but he couldn’t control it. “Illumi, he’s—he’s been cursed. He doesn’t even look human!”

 

Killua recoiled, the fear returning for a split second before vanishing behind an iron wall. 

 

“No. That can’t be true.”

 

“It is,” Kalluto insisted. “Please, Kil. I promise I’m not lying to you. It’s,” he swallowed. “It’s really bad. We’ve tried everything, but nothing has worked. I don’t even know if…”

 

If we’ll be able to make it back in time, or if all of this will have been for nothing. What if he’s already dead? What if I’m already too late?

 

“But it’s lIlumi,” Killua argued unconvincingly. “He’s so strong. Who would even be able to curse him? He can’t be dying, it doesn’t…make sense.”

 

Kalluto could almost laugh at the confusion on his brother’s face, except nothing about this situation was remotely amusing. “He isn’t a god. It’s not like he can’t die. We don’t know how it occurred, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”

 

Finally, he could see that Killua was accepting what he was saying as truth. A myriad of emotions flashed over his brother’s face, there and gone too quickly for Kalluto to identify any of them besides fear.

 

Eventually, Killua’s expression settled on indifference, though it was quite obviously a mask.

 

“Well,” he said coldly. “I’m sorry to hear that, but I can’t help you. You’ll have to keep looking for some other way.”

 

“There is no other way,” Kalluto insisted. “Have you even been listening to me?”

 

“And what do you want me to do about it, huh?” Killua snapped, his fake-calm gone in an instant. “The last time I saw Illumi, he was trying to kill Alluka! Maybe he’s given up on that, maybe he just wants to control her and Nanika now, but I’m not going to—I won’t put them in danger over this. He’s not worth it.”

 

Kalluto swallowed, clutching the mug of tea harder in his hands. The last dregs of it must have gone cold by now: his hands felt like ice, a feeling echoed in his chest. 

 

“So you’ll just…let him die?”

 

“Shut up!” Killua yelled. Kalluto winced at the over-loud volume, and when Killua continued, his tone was forcibly quieter. “It wouldn’t be my fault if he died. It wouldn’t. I’m just trying to protect my sisters.”

 

“Illumi is still your brother,” he reminded Killua, as it seemed like he’d forgotten. 

 

Killua huffed out a breath. “I know that. Still, I would’ve been happy never seeing him again. He’s…kind of a terrible person. Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

 

Kalluto blinked, surprised. “I wouldn’t call him terrible.”

 

His brother shook his head, seemingly in disbelief. “Seriously? Well, I guess he’s always gone easy on the baby of the family.”

 

“He hasn’t gone easy on me.” He was somewhat offended. “My training has been just as intensive as yours.”

 

Killua’s expression changed once again, the tightly controlled anger crumbling away to reveal something ugly underneath. 

 

“Sure it has…” his voice was deadly soft. “So I suppose he’s followed you around and forced you to return home against your will? He’s tried to control every single one of your thoughts and feelings? Has he stuck a fucking needle in your head to turn you into his puppet?”

 

“You’re still mad about the needle?” Kalluto wasn’t sure where this kind of strong emotion was coming from. “That was years ago. And it was only to protect you.”

 

Killua laughed. It was louder than before, sounding vaguely hysterical.

 

“Of course you knew about that, too,” he said, a little breathlessly. “All of you were lying to me, going behind my back…I think I have the right to still be fucking mad about it.”

 

Kalluto understood his brother’s anger a little better now, though it still seemed overblown; at the very least, he knew well how it felt to be left out of family conversations.

 

“I didn’t know until later,” he offered. “Illumi told me about it after everything with Alluka.”

 

Killua took a visible deep breath, and seemed to deflate a little. “Okay, but that doesn’t change my position. I don’t owe Illumi anything. He sucks, big time.”

 

“He’s—” Kalluto paused, deciding not to say he’s really not that bad. Considering Killua’s earlier blow up, the sentiment likely wouldn’t be well-received. “He’s still family.”

 

His brother closed his eyes. When he spoke next, his voice carried a note of exhaustion.

 

“Why does blood matter so much to you people? I have friends that I consider family more than either you or Illumi.”

 

After so many years had passed, the rejection shouldn’t have hurt this much, but perhaps some pains would never fade.

 

“But why don’t you like me?” Kalluto couldn’t help asking, moronic as it was to expose his own emotional weakness. “Perhaps I can understand why you hold a grudge against Illumi, but what did I ever do to you?”

 

Killua opened his eyes to stare right at him. Even as Kalluto looked back, he couldn’t identify what Killua was feeling at that moment. He’d never understood his brother, as much as he’d tried…as much as he’d always longed to.

 

“I don’t…dislike you.”

 

Kalluto stared back silently. Then why the hesitation?

 

Killua sighed. “It’s…uh, it’s complicated. Look, I—”

 

Annoyingly, their conversation was interrupted by an outside voice.

 

“Killuaaa!” A male voice yelled—and puberty or no, that didn’t sound like Alluka. “We’re back with breakfast!!!”

 

As Killua turned his head toward the entrance of the tent, his expression suddenly changed completely, softening into something nearly unrecognizable, the ice in his eyes melting. It was so unlike how he looked at Kalluto, and Kalluto found himself surprised at how painful it was to witness the obvious difference.

 

No matter what he claims, Killua definitely hates me.

 

“Coming!” He paused, glancing back at Kalluto briefly before going to the tent door and unzipping it; not far enough for Kalluto to get a good glimpse of outside, but enough for his voice to carry through without shouting. “Do you guys mind if I bring company? He’s awake.”

 

“Of course not!” That was the same voice.

 

Another one, somewhat higher than the first; “It’s okay with me, too.”

 

The second voice had a certain quality to it he recognized, though it was a deeper tone than the last time he’d heard it. Alluka. It had to be him.

 

Killua distracted him by turning to point a finger at him. “Behave yourself,” he hissed, eyes narrow and sharp. 

 

The threat was implicit yet obvious: mess with Alluka, get stabbed. Or electrocuted, perhaps…? No, Kalluto wasn’t worth that usage of aura. Stabbed it was.

 

Kalluto simply nodded in reply, and Killua sighed.

 

“You should be able to stand by now.”

 

Indeed, Kalluto was able to follow Killua out of the tent without much trouble. While his movements were relatively uncoordinated—he certainly wasn’t back in fighting shape yet—at least he could move now.

 

Outside of the tent, the bright morning light briefly overwhelmed him, and he shut his eyes instinctively before forcing them to open into slits. Always maintain situational awareness, Illumi’s voice echoed in his head.

 

“Hi, Kalluto,” the deeper voice said, now attached to a stocky teenager who looked…almost familiar. The dark green spiky hair, the observant brown eyes—“I’m Gon Freecss,” he said, and now the memory came to him.

 

Five years ago, this bright-eyed child had waltzed into the Zoldyck estate in bold pursuit of Killua, determined to rescue his new friend.

 

Gon’s face back then had been softer, rounder, and Kalluto mostly recalled how it had looked when his features were largely lost under the swelling from his injuries, which explained why it had taken a moment for him to recognize the boy.

 

He remembered watching from a sheltered spot in the bushes as Gon had rushed forward again and again, to be met each time with Canary’s blows. A perfect portrait of insanity. Kalluto had gone to alert Kikyo to the situation, but her efforts had proved fruitless in the end.

 

Thanks to Gon, Killua had been stolen from them.

 

All of this, everything, was his fault.

 

“ —remember me, but it’s nice to finally meet you properly!”

 

Kalluto stared at him wordlessly, and turned away. To Killua, he said, “I’m surprised you’re traveling with him again, after he nearly got himself killed in that mess with the ants.”

 

In the corner of his eye, Gon’s smile faded. He felt a small, vicious satisfaction to see it.

 

Instantly and surprisingly, Killua became enraged. “That’s none of your fucking business,” he said lowly, his tone threatening violence. “And if you can’t keep your damn idiot mouth shut, I’ve got some duct tape that will do the trick.”

 

He gave his brother an unimpressed look. Duct tape…really? You’ve gone soft.

 

“Killua!” Alluka admonished sharply, and he glanced down, seeming abashed. “Don’t be rude.”

 

“He started it,” Killua muttered, but then he quietly went over to join Gon, both of them starting to lay out food on a flat stone slab. 

 

In a sense, it was interesting that Alluka seemed to be the one in charge here. It went entirely against the Zoldyck family hierarchy; as the older brother, Killua’s word should be absolute. On the other hand, it made sense that the rule had been broken. It wasn’t as if his brothers had respected any of the other family rules when they’d run away from home.

 

Unfortunately, as a result of this, Alluka and Kalluto were left to stand together in tense silence. A significant part of him wanted to retreat back into the tent. He had nothing to say to Alluka. Only he did, because somehow he needed to persuade him to come back home.

 

Kalluto prepared himself to speak, but Alluka beat him to it.

 

“I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to see you, Kalluto,” Alluka said, gazing at him with open curiosity. “Did you run away from home, too?”

 

“No,” he said curtly.

 

Alluka tilted his head. “Then…you’re here for Killua. You want to bring him back.” It was a reasonable assumption, and not entirely untrue. Alluka was frowning, seeming disappointed. “He’s not going back there, and neither am I.”

 

Kalluto wanted to snap, Why would you think I want you to come home? He kept his mouth firmly shut, as saying that would go entirely against his mission objective.

 

Here lay the problem; Kalluto needed to get Alluka to warm up to him, but he didn’t like Alluka, which made that difficult. Nor did he know Alluka well enough to manipulate him easily…and besides, it had always been difficult for Kalluto to hide his true feelings about someone.

 

He’d have to simply be honest…

 

Although, would the truth be enough on its own? Did Alluka care enough about their older brother to want to save him?

 

Doubtful, he concluded.

 

If only Killua would leave for a few minutes, then he could just grab Alluka and worry about the consequences later. Unfortunately, Killua showed no inclination of leaving Alluka unsupervised for even a moment, and his ridiculous Nen made it impossible to outrun him. Gon was an additional factor, as well. Even if Gon hadn’t yet recovered his Nen, he knew the boy was at least physically strong, and it wouldn’t be wise to underestimate his capabilities. 

 

Kalluto was outnumbered; he had no choice but to take the diplomatic approach.

 

“Breakfast is ready!” Gon called out cheerfully, his voice cutting through the frigid atmosphere like a laser beam through ice. 

 

The stone slab that served as a makeshift table was laid out with a tablecloth patterned with pink and white blossoms on a blue backdrop. Spread across the table was a wide variety of breakfast pastries arranged around a central platter of sliced fruit. 

 

Acceptable, he thought begrudgingly. 

 

More protein would be ideal, of course, but he’d always had a weakness for a good pastry.

 

Gon and Killua began tearing into the food as soon as they were all sat down, eating with a messy vigor that had Alluka rolling his eyes. He looked over at Kalluto almost conspiratorially, as if expecting to share a commiserating glance—look how messy they are, what slobs.

 

Though Kalluto fully agreed with the sentiment, he looked back down at his plate instead. A paper plate, though that was excusable. It didn’t make sense to travel with fine china, after all.

 

As Kalluto slowly picked away at his almond croissant, eating it layer by layer as he liked to do, he silently listened to the others converse. Gon and Alluka tried engaging him a few times before realizing he had no interest in small talk and leaving him alone. He was then able to carefully observe their group interactions and dynamics.

 

Killua was…more assured than he’d ever seen him before. He’d always been confident in his abilities, of course, but this was something different. There was a certain ease to him that was foreign. He talked significantly more than Kalluto remembered: much of it was quick and teasing banter shared with Gon. Killua was also smiling a lot more than Kalluto was used to, in a way that Kalluto only recalled from past observation of his interactions with Alluka.

 

Alluka was quite different than he recalled as well, though some of that may have been due to the fact that Kalluto barely remembered him; he’d been locked away when they were both still young. Still, Alluka seemed somehow more comfortable in his own skin, smiling and laughing often and easily.

 

Gon seemed much the same, but Kalluto honestly didn’t care enough about the boy to observe him that closely. 

 

The main thing Kalluto noted about Gon was how close he sat to Killua, as if some invisible gravity drew him in. He was sitting right next to him, so close that occasionally their arms would brush. Even stranger, Killua seemed unbothered by this, as if he were accustomed to sharing his personal space with Gon, which…Kalluto found that troubling.

 

Someone snapped in his face—it was Killua, naturally. Though his heart leapt wildly at the shock, he kept a level expression as he looked back at his brother.

 

“What?”

 

“We’re done eating,” Killua said. “So why don’t you tell them why you’ve come here?”

 

It was an order, not a question, but Kalluto wasn’t opposed to answering. He’d healed, rested, and eaten; there was no point in further delay. 

 

“Illumi is dying,” Kalluto began.

 

Before he could say another word, Gon whipped his head around to stare wide-eyed at Killua. 

 

“Killua, are you okay?”

 

Killua rolled his eyes, feigning indifference. “I’m not the one who’s dying, you know.”

 

“I knew you were acting weird earlier,” Gon continued, unphased by the rebuff. “Seriously, though, are you—”

 

“Why should I care about that guy!” Killua exclaimed. “It doesn’t matter.”

 

“He’s still your brother,” Gon said, at the same time as Kalluto replied, “He’s our brother.”

 

There was an awkward pause, during which Kalluto regretted saying anything at all. How annoying, to sound just the same as Gon Freecss.

 

Regardless, he forged onward.

 

“What would it take for you to agree to help?”

 

Killua stood up and crossed his arms. To say that he was looming over Kalluto would be false, but there was an air of intimidation all the same. “What would it take for you to go away?”

 

“Do you truly want me to?” Kalluto hadn’t planned to say that, but so much of his plan had gone off the rails already. He hadn’t realized Killua would be this resistant. “Are you actually going to let him die?”

 

Killua stared at him silently. From the uneasy way he shifted on his feet, it seemed as if he wanted to run. Would he run away, or toward Kalluto to attack?

 

Gon glanced back and forth between them with an indecisive frown, an outsider who didn’t know if he should intervene. Kalluto wished he’d leave. This was none of his business.

 

The crisp sound of clapping hands drew everyone’s attention to Alluka, who’d climbed up onto the stone slab while no one was paying attention.

 

“Hello?” Alluka said loudly, hands on his hips. “I think there’s someone you’re forgetting to ask here…this is all about Nanika, isn’t it? You need her power to heal Illumi.”

 

“Yes,” Kalluto conceded.

 

“Then why don’t you ask me how I feel about it, instead of Killua? He’s not my keeper.”

 

Privately, Kalluto disagreed, but he supposed this attitude might work in his favor. “Fine. Will you come back with me to heal him?”

 

“Yes,” Alluka said promptly.

 

Unexpected…was Alluka actually stupid? He hadn’t been expecting instant agreement. As much as it was in his favor, it was foolish behavior.

 

Killua was clearly shocked to hear it, as he stared at Alluka in disbelief.

 

“Alluka, are you sure about this?” Killua asked after a long moment. “I won’t be angry if you tell him to fuck off. Illumi isn’t—you don’t owe him anything, and you shouldn’t just agree to help for my sake.”

 

Alluka shook his head firmly. “That’s not it…I wouldn't feel right letting him die, not when I’m the only one who can help. They must be desperate to be asking me.”

 

Killua scowled. “Those assholes are trying to take advantage of your kindness. It’s not your responsibility to keep him alive. Illumi would’ve killed you! He doesn’t deserve your kindness.”

 

“That’s true, but my answer hasn’t changed.”

 

“Fine, but what about Nanika?” Killua persisted. “How does she feel about healing him?”

 

Alluka sighed, seeming exasperated. “You know I wouldn’t agree if she wasn’t okay with it,” he said. “We’ve already talked it over. Besides, I never said I would heal him for free.”

 

When Alluka turned to look down at Kalluto, there was a surprising steel in his eyes. 

 

“Here’s my deal, Kalluto. I’ll heal Illumi, but in exchange, the family has to leave us alone for good. They can’t look for us or try to control us anymore…this is the last thing I’ll ever do for them. If you can’t accept these terms, then I won’t heal him.”

 

Silence fell over the clearing; this time, it was broken by Gon’s low whistle.

 

“That’s so clever!” Gon praised, clapping his hands. “Great thinking.”

 

Killua laughed helplessly a few times before he got himself together. “Holy shit, Alluka. When did you get to be so smart?”

 

“I’ve always been smart!”

 

“Of course, my bad.”

 

Begrudgingly, Kalluto found himself impressed. He wouldn’t have expected Alluka to think of such a coldly pragmatic bargain. Alluka’s blood was finally showing its true colors; he was a Zoldyck after all.

 

“Very well,” he said with a nod. “I agree to your terms.”

 

Killua sobered up, fixing him with a serious look. “Do you actually have the authority to speak for the rest of the family, or are you bullshitting to get what you want? If you screw us over, I’ll make you regret it.”

 

Kalluto had left in too much of a hurry to even consider something like that. 

 

As the youngest member of the family, he’d never held any authority. It didn’t matter. He’d make them listen to him, somehow…for the price of Illumi’s life, they would surely agree.

 

“No, but that’s irrelevant. I’ll convince them to hold to your terms.”

 

“Hm.” Killua considered this for a second, then shrugged. “Fine. If things get ugly, we’ll just blow up that damn mountain.”

 

Are you serious?

 

Gon perked up at that, an unnerving gleam sparking to life in his eyes. “Hey, I know a guy who can get us some explosives!”

 

“...On second thought, let’s not.”

 

“Killuaaaa,” Gon whined, dragging out the last part of his name to a ridiculous degree. “Why don’t you trust me with explosives?”

 

“Do you seriously need me to answer that?”

 

“Enough,” Kalluto interrupted. “We need to get moving. Time is of the essence.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Killua said, stretching his arms over his shoulders. A nice show of nonchalance, but Kalluto saw right through it. “I’ll get us tickets for a direct airship. Should only take us a few days to get there.”

 

“...I could get us there faster,” Alluka started, but Killua immediately shook his head.

 

“Save your strength. If Illumi can’t hold on that long, then he can die for all I care.”

 

Alluka and Gon exchanged a glance that Kalluto couldn’t interpret.

 

“I’m sure we’ll make it in time,” Gon said, setting a hand on Killua’s shoulder. Instead of brushing it off as Kalluto expected him to, Killua let it stay; he even seemed to lean slightly into the touch. 

 

It was unsettling to see. Why would his brother allow that intimacy?

 

Kalluto brushed off the disquiet he felt at seeing yet another way in which his brother had changed. It didn’t matter if Killua felt like a stranger to him now. Kalluto only needed his brother’s cooperation in order to heal Illumi…after that, they would go their separate ways.

Chapter 2: have you ever thought about leaving?

Can’t this damn airship go any faster? 

 

Several minutes ago now, Killua and Gon had run off together to who-knew-where, leaving Kalluto to sit in stilted silence with Alluka. 

 

Again. 

 

He was staring out the window at the featureless gray sky in an attempt to ignore his unwanted traveling companion, but it wasn’t working. Kalluto couldn’t ignore Alluka’s presence—it felt like Alluka was staring at him, though he refused to turn around to check. 

 

“You don’t like me very much, do you?” Alluka asked eventually.

 

And what gives you that impression?

 

“Well?” Alluka prodded, ignoring the fact that he was still completely turned away. Kalluto could have begrudgingly tolerated Alluka’s company in silence. Why must there be talking?

 

“No,” he said shortly.

 

Alluka either failed to pick up on the hint, or noticed and decided to keep bothering him anyway—likely, it was the latter. “Why not? I feel like we hardly even know each other.”

 

Even in the dull gray winter light, Alluka’s eyes glowed brightly, an almost unnatural blue. The same shade as Killua’s…except he couldn’t remember a time his older brother had ever graced him with his attention for this long. There was no judgement in Alluka’s gaze, either, only a stark openness like the summer sky.

 

Kalluto realized he appreciated the apparent lack of judgement, and felt annoyed with himself. The petty side of him wanted to keep ignoring Alluka, but something else pushed him to respond.

 

“That is true,” he admitted stiffly. “We’re essentially strangers.”

 

“Both of us have always preferred Killua’s company.” Alluka tilted his head thoughtfully. “You could’ve played with us more, if you’d just asked.”

 

He didn’t want to admit that Nanika had scared him ever since the first time he’d seen the thing emerge, so he only shrugged. A question occurred to him then. He hadn’t cared enough to bring it up earlier, but now that Killua had ditched them both, this was a good opportunity to satisfy his curiosity on the topic.

 

“Why does Killua act like you’re a girl?”

 

Alluka frowned slightly, though his expression smoothed out a second later. “Because I am a girl. Both me and Nanika are.”

 

“The rest of the family says differently,” Kalluto pointed out.

 

Personally, he didn’t have much of an opinion on Alluka’s gender either way. In truth he’d never cared enough about Alluka to formulate his own thoughts on the matter, simply following along with how the family referred to him. Kalluto wasn’t sure why he was even bothering to continue this line of questioning. 

 

“Well, the family doesn’t get to have a say in it,” Alluka said; finally, there was a real bite to their voice. “I don’t care what they or you or anyone else thinks—I know who I am.”

 

How must it feel to have so much certainty in your identity?

 

He couldn’t even imagine it.

 

“Good for you,” Kalluto replied eventually. He was being sarcastic, but the tone didn’t come across very well. Alluka even smiled a little, as if he’d said something genuinely nice.

 

Kalluto looked away, out the window at the thick gray clouds. To think, that brief exchange was the most conversation he’d shared with Alluka in…quite possibly their entire lives. He didn’t know how to feel about it, and that uncertainty set him on edge.

 

For a moment, he considered leaving with the excuse of looking for Killua, but he didn’t want to risk actually running into his brother. Not when Killua was with Gon—and Kalluto had no doubt they were together. Horribly, the two of them seemed attached at the hip.

 

Killua despises me, anyway. 

 

Killua’s half-hearted claim that he didn’t dislike Kalluto meant nothing in the face of his actions. It must be a lie. Still, Kalluto had to wonder what he’d done wrong to make his brother hate him. Had he done something terrible by mistake? Surely he’d remember such a thing.

 

As Kalluto ruminated on his own possible mistakes, an unexpected feeling of resentment arose in him. He could take a punishment, but if he didn’t know what he was being punished for, how was that fair? What had he done to deserve his brother’s hatred?

 

Killua was the one who’d left, and for some reason he was expected to play nice.

 

Killua had even been willing to let Illumi die. 

 

And yet…even now, Kalluto still cared too much about his brother’s opinion of him. His own feelings made no sense to him. Why did he still look up to Killua? Why did he still wish uselessly that they could be close? That impossible dream…why couldn’t he just let it go?

 

You could’ve played with us more, if you’d just asked.

 

Alluka’s words were impossible to ignore. If that statement was true, then he’d already missed his chance.

 

“Oh, it’s snowing,” Alluka said softly, with a tone of delight.

 

At some point in the past several minutes, as Kalluto had become lost in his own thoughts, snow had started falling without his notice. He blinked, refocusing on the view. Kalluto had always been fascinated by the way snow fell, the spiraling motions of it. 

 

He recalled one summer, several years ago…there was a heatwave which had made him long for the winter snows, and he’d started cutting out paper snowflakes in his spare time. It didn’t take long for the activity to spiral into an obsession. He’d made so many snowflakes, attempting to make them as small and realistic as he possibly could—and he’d given himself numerous paper cuts in the process.

 

Before that summer, he’d never considered that paper could hurt, could even be used as a weapon. Later, when he started learning Nen, it had simply felt right to center his Hatsu around paper: something beautiful and seemingly delicate, something perpetually overlooked that could kill with deadly grace nonetheless.

 

There was something strangely companionable about watching the snow with Alluka. They seemed equally transfixed by the sight, a gentle smile on their face. Neither of them spoke for a long time. It was…peaceful.

 

After a while, Kalluto was forced to admit to himself that he honestly didn’t dislike Alluka’s company. Perhaps the realization shouldn’t have come as such a surprise; it was true that he’d never taken the chance to get to know them before.

 

The snow seemed to fall thicker and faster by the minute, until nothing could be seen out the windows, the outer world hidden behind an impenetrable curtain of white. It was beautiful, to be sure, but Kalluto wondered how the airship could keep course in this blizzard.

 

As if summoned by his thoughts, the overhead speakers crackled on. 

 

“Attention, all passengers! We regret to inform you that due to dangerous weather conditions, we’ll be taking a brief water landing to wait for the storm to clear. We’ll resume our flight as soon as it is safe to do so. Thank you for your patience.”

 

“Shit,” Kalluto muttered crossly, feeling anything but patient.

 

How wretchedly inconvenient—it was as if the weather itself was conspiring against him. The snow that was so lovely before now seemed to swirl mockingly, and he glared out the window at it, wishing irrationally he could control the snow like how he manipulated his paper storms.

 

“Oh dear,” Alluka said with a little frown. “We should find Killua and Gon to check in.”

 

Kalluto didn’t particularly want to go in search of them, but the brief time of peace had passed. It was a smart move tactically, as well, so he followed behind Alluka in silence.

 

As they made their way through the groups of other passengers, he noticed that people let them through more easily than he would’ve expected, politely giving them space to get by rather than shoving at them.

 

When an elderly man accidentally bumped into Alluka’s arm, he said, “Sorry, miss.”

 

“It’s okay,” Alluka returned with a smile.

 

It was then that something clicked into place.

 

All of these people saw Alluka as a girl, and they treated her accordingly. In the eyes of society, Alluka was a girl. Kalluto looked at his sibling again, and made a conscious effort to see them through the eyes of a stranger.

 

Alluka’s long hair with its colorful beads, the lilac skirt and light yellow knitted sweater…every aspect of her appearance screamed girl, an image that was clearly cultivated with great care. 

 

Kalluto had suspected for years that their mother had always secretly wanted a daughter. Without any such luck, she’d dressed him up instead, and he truly hadn’t minded. He’d come to enjoy a more feminine style of clothing, and even now that he was older he still dressed that way often enough that people would occasionally mistake him for a girl.

 

He’d never liked being mistaken for one, though. It wasn’t much of a bother, not enough to be worth voicing his objections, but something about it had always rubbed him the wrong way.

 

In the past, Kalluto had wondered sometimes if Killua had always wanted a sister, and if that was why he was so insistent on calling Alluka a girl even when everyone else disagreed. It would make sense if it were an act of play-pretend, just like their mother with Kalluto.

 

Only, the more time he spent with them both, the more it was becoming quite obvious that he’d been mistaken on that front as well. Killua wouldn’t insist on something that wasn’t true, nor would Alluka play along with a lie.

 

Killua had always said he knew Alluka best. Apparently, he’d been right. In this case, it was clear that the rest of the family was mistaken. This wasn’t a case of a boy playing dress up, like it was with him.

 

Alluka was a girl, and he could understand that now.

 

“Where are they?” Alluka wondered, and then she groaned. “Ugh…if I find them making out in some closet again, I swear I’m gonna—”

 

“What did you just say?” Surely, Kalluto had misheard.

 

Alluka blinked, seeming startled, as if she’d briefly forgotten his presence. “Um! Nothing. Hey, I think I see them!”

 

Kalluto let the subject drop, as he’d caught sight of them as well; Killua’s hair tended to stand out amongst a crowd, especially as he’d shot up in height over the past few years. 

 

Alluka caught their attention by waving her arms in the air, and they made their way over. As Gon and Killua approached, Kalluto noticed something odd; their hands were intertwined. It seemed like a natural gesture, as if they often walked together like this.

 

“Why are you holding hands?” Kalluto asked bluntly.

 

Gon began to answer. “Because we’re—”

 

“We didn’t want to lose each other in the crowd,” Killua interrupted.

 

“Uh, yeah!” Gon agreed. “That’s why.”

 

It was a blatantly obvious lie.

 

Kalluto couldn’t imagine that they found themselves convincing, either, so why go to the effort? Forget it. He had more important things to worry about than whatever this was.

 

The airship, which had been slowly descending this whole time, came at last to a gentle stop on the ocean. Outside the windows, snow was still coming down heavily. Who knew when the storm would cease?

 

Kalluto remained silent until they claimed a place to sit, a booth by the windows which was relatively far away from any of the other passengers.

 

“How long do you think we’ll be stuck here?” He asked his brother, in case he had any idea.

 

Killua shrugged one shoulder. “Who knows?”

 

Gon seemed to take pity on him. “The pilots are probably worried about running into sky whales, which are pretty common around these parts. See, the whales like to hunt during storms, and we’d never see one coming when the conditions are like this…”

 

“We could be stuck here for hours.”

 

“Yeah, we might be.”

 

Kalluto itched to move; he wanted to pace, to use up some of his restless energy. As that would be an obvious sign of his agitated state of mind, he settled instead for discreetly tapping his foot at a rapid rate his heart threatened to match. 

 

“Illumi doesn’t have time for this.”

 

“Calm down,” Killua said. Kalluto resented his cool composure, as if it didn’t even matter to him what the outcome was. “It’ll only delay us a few hours, most likely.”

 

“And that could make all the difference!”

 

Killua huffed a slow breath through his nose. “What do you want me to do, Kalluto? I can’t control the weather.”

 

You’re being unreasonable, was what he didn’t say, but Kalluto heard it regardless. Ironically, Illumi would think the same thing, except he would just say it outright. Don’t be irrational, Kal. A good assassin waits for as long as necessary.

 

Kalluto closed his eyes and forcibly regained control over himself. When he opened them again, his emotions were buried deep enough for him to only feel a shadow of them. “I know. Apologies for being irrational.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize for that.” Killua shook his head, seeming conflicted. “It’s fine. I know you’re worried. I…” he trailed off, not seeming to know how to finish that sentence.

 

“Brother, let’s grab some snacks and drinks for everyone,” Alluka said, rescuing him from his awkward state.

 

“Great idea,” he said at once, already springing to his feet. “What do you all want?”

 

After orders had been taken, they went off, leaving Kalluto alone with Gon. Suddenly, he missed being left in the company of Alluka. She’d been surprisingly easy to get along with, once he’d given her a chance, but he could hardly stand to look at Gon.

 

Don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to—

 

“Is Killua your favorite sibling?”

 

Gon must be immune to social cues—that, or he simply didn’t care. As Kalluto glared at him in response, Gon only looked back calmly, and he decided it must be the latter. The imprudence was far more infuriating here than it had been with Alluka. 

 

“I don’t have a favorite sibling,” he said.

 

A lie. It had always been Killua. 

 

Embarrassing as it was when Killua clearly didn’t feel the same, he couldn’t help it.

 

Kalluto could actually rank his siblings quite easily. Killua, then Illumi, then…hm. He’d always put Alluka last, and yet somehow he couldn’t do that anymore. After only a day of getting to know Alluka better, he’d already mentally categorized her above Milluki.

 

That doesn’t mean anything, he reasoned. You’ve never gotten along with Milluki that well.

 

“Killua’s my favorite, too,” Gon said absurdly.

 

“I never said his name. Stop putting words in my mouth.”

 

“That was just my impression,” Gon replied. “But I don’t think I’m wrong.”

 

If this was how Gon wanted to play it, then so be it. Kalluto would not hold back.

 

“What is your relationship with my brother?”

 

“Killua’s my best friend,” Gon said easily. “I love him a lot.”

 

Was Gon being purposefully obtuse, or was he honestly that stupid?

 

“Are the two of you together?” Kalluto pushed.

 

“A lot of the time, sure!”

 

He had to be doing this on purpose.

 

“Are you in a romantic or sexual relationship with my brother?”

 

Gon stared blankly at him for a long moment, finally seeming caught off-guard, and then he started laughing. “Sorry, that was rude,” he said, a bit breathlessly. “I just…did you have to phrase it that way? It could be both, you know.”

 

“And/or,” Kalluto corrected—if he weren't absolutely positive that Killua would kill him for it, he’d show Gon Freecss his claws.

 

“Okay,” Gon said, nodding his stupid head appeasingly. “Then I’ll say…that’s none of your business. Sorry!”

 

“You’re obnoxious,” Kalluto said. A dam had broken, and he couldn’t stop his unfiltered thoughts from breaking through anymore—nor did he want to. “I have no idea what my brother sees in you.”

 

“I wonder about that too, sometimes,” Gon said thoughtfully. “I feel very fortunate that he’s stuck by me even after everything we’ve been through together.”

 

“You stole him from us,” Kalluto accused—he wasn’t done. “If it weren’t for you, then everything would be perfect.”

 

Gon frowned. “I think you know that’s not true. Killua wasn’t happy at home…and what about Alluka and Nanika? Do you honestly wish your siblings were still miserable and trapped in lives they didn’t want?”

 

There was no way for him to answer that question without looking like an evil fiend. Somehow, he had been outplayed. The indignity was nearly too much to bear; he could only be grateful there were no witnesses to their conversation.

 

When he said nothing, Gon went on. “Have you ever thought about leaving?”

 

Kalluto couldn’t say he hadn’t; nor could he say that he had.

 

Joining the Spiders a few years back had been an exercise in independence. For the year before Illumi had joined them as well, Kalluto had been left largely to his own devices. He hadn’t hated the experience…it had been jarring, though. The Spiders were a very different kind of family than the Zoldycks, and he’d never fully meshed with their mentality.

 

Kalluto hadn’t mourned them when they’d begun to die. After the total dissolution of the group, he hadn’t felt much of anything other than grateful to still be alive.

 

After Illumi had informed him of Killua’s bold return to the estate that had ended in a successful handover of Alluka, he’d occasionally thought about the two of them. He’d wondered where they were, what they were doing…if he ever crossed Killua’s mind, or if his brother was too busy looking after Alluka to even think about him for a second.

 

Kalluto had never seriously considered leaving the main family to join them, though. Why would he? His life was stable, predictable. He had a solid place in the family, and his position had only become more important after Killua had left. In the end, perhaps it came down to his stubborn sense of pride. Kalluto refused to shirk his familial duty the same way Killua had, especially when it was more likely than not that his brother didn’t even want to see him anyway. 

 

He wouldn’t go where he wasn’t wanted, and he had no desire to wander the world alone.

 

“No,” Kalluto finally answered; he didn’t know if it was a lie or not.

 

Thankfully, Gon subsided after that, granting him a few minutes of peace before Killua and Alluka returned bearing a small mountain of snacks alongside their drinks. 

 

Killua had bought himself some kind of hot chocolate monstrosity with an absurd amount of whipped cream, the whole thing drizzled with chocolate syrup and topped with sliced almonds: there was even what appeared to be a straw made out of a candy cane.

 

In contrast, Alluka seemed to have gotten a normal hot chocolate, while Gon had…a suspiciously green and lumpy drink. What is that?

 

His brother was eyeing the green drink with disgust as Gon slurped it up enthusiastically. “Personally, I don’t know how you can stand those things…”

 

“Green smoothies are super tasty!” Gon defended. “And they’re really good for you, too.”

 

In a strange moment of unison, everyone stared at Killua’s horrible hot chocolate concoction. 

 

“This is good for the soul,” Killua insisted stubbornly. He had whipped cream on his nose.

 

“I have no idea how you haven’t gotten a million cavities by now,” Alluka said, shaking her head.

 

“None of us get cavities,” Killua pointed out. “Zoldyck family genetics…gotta have strong enamel if you’re an assassin. The better to rip out someone’s throat, or whatever.”

 

“Have you ever done that?” Gon asked, tilting his head to one side in genuine curiosity.

 

Killua made a face. “Ew, no. That sounds like a great way to get a disease.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Are you…disappointed?”

 

“No, of course not!”

 

Alluka leaned forward. “You did sound a bit let down.”

 

“I’m not—I mean, I guess it would've been kinda cool,” Gon said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

Killua scoffed. “Do you think I’m some wild animal?”

 

“No!” Though Kalluto wasn’t sure how the conversation had become so derailed, he admittedly was enjoying seeing Gon be embarrassed. “I would never think that—”

 

“I know,” Killua replied, leaning back with a superior expression. “I was just teasing you.”

 

“That’s mean…”

 

As the conversation died down—now Gon and Killua seemed to be kicking each other under the table in lieu of talking, like a couple of five-year-olds—Kalluto felt a fresh wave of dread wash over him as he recalled exactly why he was here. He didn’t know how he could’ve forgotten for even a minute the urgency of his mission. 

 

Illumi was dying, and all he could do was sit here and listen to these idiots talk nonsense.

 

“Are you okay?” Alluka spoke softly enough that the two fools sitting across the booth didn’t even take notice. It was…thoughtful on her part.

 

“Fine,” he replied. “Just thinking.”

 

Kalluto hadn’t been thinking so much as spiraling, but the question brought him out of his head enough that his brain began working properly again. 

 

“I’m going to call Milluki now,” he informed the table at large. “Our family should be updated on the situation.”

 

“Fair enough,” Killua said evenly. He sounded different than he had only a minute ago, clearly slipping back into business mode. “You can call him here, if you want.”

 

A veiled request; call him here so we can listen in.

Kalluto saw no reason to decline, as he had nothing to hide, so he simply nodded before dialling Milluki’s number.

 

Milluki picked up on the third ring. “Any issues with the compass?”

 

“No. I’m here with Killua and Alluka…and Gon Freecss.”

 

“Great. So why are you calling?”

 

“Is Illumi still alive?”

 

“Of course,” Milluki replied promptly. The flood of relief which followed was a rush of blood to the head—if he’d been standing, he might’ve even swayed on his feet. “Pro-tip; if he’d died, his image would’ve faded from the compass.”

 

Kalluto turned to his brother. “Compass,” he hissed urgently.

 

Looking puzzled, Killua nonetheless obeyed, taking the compass out of his bag. Kalluto snatched hold of it, tilting it to see better under the light. Illumi’s face was just as dark as all the others, and he almost sagged in relief.

 

Irritation took over after a few heartbeats—because why had Milluki withheld this vital information from him? “It would’ve been helpful if you had mentioned that sooner.”

 

“There was no need. He won’t die.”

 

“The airship we’re on is experiencing a delay due to inclement weather,” Kalluto said, swallowing his complaints in order to return to the main point. “Whiteout conditions. I’m not sure how long we’ll be stuck here. In the worst case, it may be several days before we arrive.”

 

“Hm.” There was a prominent pause. “That’s…not ideal.”

 

“How is he?”

 

“Still breathing,” Milluki replied unhelpfully. “You can put the phone on speaker, if Killua and the thing are there with you.”

 

It took Kalluto a second to decipher what he meant. When he understood, he was surprised by the spike of irritation he felt at the casual lack of respect.

 

“There’s no need to call her that.”

 

Killua clearly picked up on what Kalluto’s words implied, and his eyes sharpened as he turned a deadly glare on the phone.

 

“Her?” Milluki chuckled dryly. “Killua must’ve gotten to you, huh. Don’t let him influence you too much. You can’t forget what kind of creature is hiding under that cute shell.”

 

“I’m putting the phone on speaker now,” Kalluto replied shortly; he was annoyed enough to rather enjoy the idea of Killua verbally eviscerating their older brother.

 

Milluki’s voice sounded from the phone. “Hey, Kil.”

 

“So how bad is it, really?” Killua asked, cutting right to business. It was more professional than Kalluto had learned to expect from him, but he supposed some of the old Killua lingered even now. “Kalluto’s been pretty vague.”

 

There was a sound that might’ve been a snort. “He looks kind of like a shriveled up potato, all covered in vines and shit. Dad thinks he must’ve picked up something nasty from the Dark Continent that lay dormant until recently.”

 

Killua went visibly tense under the weight of the words while Kalluto suppressed a shiver, blinking away the horrid memory again. 

 

“That doesn’t sound good,” Killua managed to say after a moment. Suddenly he looked over at Kalluto, sharp eyes examining him intently. He looked almost afraid. “What about Kalluto? If that’s the case, then he could be at risk too.”

 

In all honesty, that hadn’t even occurred to him.

 

Kalluto did a brief self-inventory. He felt perhaps a little more tired than usual, likely from the aftermath of that ordeal with the thorn, though it could just be the stress of the situation. Apart from the slight heaviness of his body and mind, nothing felt different from normal.

 

“I feel fine,” he said.

 

Killua gave him a doubting look. “Sure, but you’d also say that if you were secretly bleeding out, so your words don’t hold much weight here.”

 

Though that wasn’t the most accurate statement of his character, it also wasn’t far off. Which meant Killua…had been paying attention to him, at least to some degree. Killua even seemed like he might be concerned about him. The thought made something tighten in his chest.

 

“He’s fine,” Milluki dismissed. “I think we’d see the effects by now.”

 

“It’s been over a year since the survivors returned,” Killua argued. “Already, that’s a pretty long delay. How can we be sure Kalluto’s safe?”

 

A slighter longer pause, punctuated by the faint crackle of static.

 

“I said, he’s fine.” Milluki’s voice was colder than usual, almost robotic. Kalluto felt a chill run up his spine. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

“I see you’re as caring as always,” Killua said sarcastically. “Is that everything, then? I’d rather spend as little time talking to you as possible, all things considered.”

 

“The feeling’s mutual, brat,” Milluki snapped, which was more like himself. “Get here as soon as possible. If you’re taking a slow pace on purpose and he dies before you get here…better to not show up at all.”

 

With that supremely subtle threat, he hung up.

 

Killua rolled his eyes. “What a dick…his attitude makes me rethink this whole thing.”

 

Panic squeezed his lungs. “You already agreed to—”

 

“Yeah, I know,” his brother interrupted. “We’re not turning back. Don’t forget, we’re getting something out of this too.”

 

Right. The deal to never be involved with anyone in the family ever again…

 

Did that deal include him? He hadn’t thought to ask at the time.

 

Kalluto had agreed to the deal without thinking. Anything, to save Illumi. He hadn’t thought he’d cared beyond that, but maybe he’d been lying to himself. The thought of never seeing Killua again, of never getting a real chance to get to know either of these siblings…

 

The heaviness inside him only grew, until he felt he’d sink to the bottom of the ocean. And still, Kalluto couldn’t ask; the question was like stones clogging up his stomach. If he tried to get it out, he’d only choke.

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

The sickness had struck suddenly.

 

According to Kikyo, Illumi had been acting completely normal up until the moment he’d collapsed at dinner. It proved fortunate that he was visiting home at the time, as they were able to give him excellent medical care right away.

 

And yet, nothing the family doctors tried seemed to make any difference in his condition. Days passed, and Illumi still didn’t awaken. An oppressive Nen hovered over him, one that no exorcist could dispel or even make sense of.

 

Slowly, day by day, Illumi began to change. It was almost unnoticeable at first—just a new tint of green in his fingernails, an unnatural growth to his hair. Soon enough, it became impossible to ignore. Illumi’s eyes were sunken in his skull, tiny vines sprouting out of them and climbing down his face. Thicker tendrils of vines sprouted from various places on his body and grew over him, imprisoning him in a thorny cage. 

 

Kalluto couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him for long. 

 

He didn’t know why it was that the longer that he lingered, the worse his head throbbed and the more his heart pounded in his chest. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, it screamed.

 

Seeing Illumi in that state—it reminded him horribly of the place he took care never to think about, and the coward that he was, he couldn’t stand it. What Kalluto would never tell his family was that he’d run away not just to save his brother, but also to avoid facing him.

 

Notes:

Summary of this chapter: Kalluto becomes less transphobic thanks to one (1) conversation with Alluka, and he also becomes more homophobic thanks to killugon.

Jokes aside, it was painful to misgender Alluka even for a chapter, so I needed Kalluto to figure shit out right away, lol. Kalluto is certainly having Thoughts About Gender here…he might be nonbinary but it’s not like he’s gonna figure that out yet. Too busy trying to escape the labyrinth, you know how it is.

If Milluki seems like too much of an asshole, that’s because of the Stress. Being a jerk to his siblings is his way of coping. And also I love writing the Zoldyck siblings being mean to each other <3 they’re so badly adjusted.

I hope y’all enjoyed this chapter! Not much happened but I had a blast writing all the character interactions. And from now on, there will be weekly updates.

Chapter 3: some things were better left forgotten

It was a torturously long twenty-six hours before the storm finally subsided enough for them to continue their journey.

 

What should have been a three-day flight ended up taking just over four, and half a week of doing nothing wore his nerves to the bone. By the time the airship was finally descending over the landing pad, in yet another torturously slow process, Kalluto was barely aware of his surroundings. His mind was steeped in anxiety such that every minute felt like an hour. 

 

When he’d given up and checked the compass again, a few hours ago, Illumi’s face had still been dark—but it could’ve blinked out at any time since. He was forcing himself not to check the damn thing constantly, as he knew the action wouldn’t do any good.

 

He didn’t know what he would do if he failed, what consequences would unfold from there. It didn’t bear thinking about, but his mind ran over all the possibilities anyway. Perhaps he would be grounded from future missions. Perhaps they would demand that he prove his worth by forcing Killua’s return to the family. Surely, they wouldn’t drop him entirely.

 

It doesn’t matter. I’ll get back in time.

 

A memory drifted into his mind, of a night when they’d still been on the Black Whale. He’d been unable to sleep, and after lying in his bunk for hours he’d finally asked his brother the question that had been keeping him from finding rest.

 

Truthfully, he hadn’t expected any response. He’d assumed Illumi was already asleep, and that was the only reason he was able to ask. 

 

“What should I do if Hisoka kills you?”

 

As his words faded into silence, he’d been startled to hear a reply. 

 

“Do your best to survive. One of us needs to make it home. In all likelihood both of us will, but you should prioritize your own life above all else.”

 

Kalluto hadn’t liked hearing that. Something about Illumi’s voice…it was much too casual to be talking about the possibility of his own demise. Almost as if it meant nothing to him.

 

“Don’t say that. I don’t want to return home without you.”

 

“I’m going to win, so there’s no need to fret about it, Kal.” A heartbeat later, he’d added offhandedly, “Besides, as long as our family needs me, I won’t die.”

 

Kalluto had considered that an odd thing to say at the time, especially with the strange surety with which Illumi said it. He might’ve questioned that certainty, but then Illumi had told him to go to sleep in a tone that wasn’t worth disobeying. 

 

Kalluto couldn't help but wonder now if that powerful conviction was the only thing that kept Illumi hanging onto life. If that was the case, then Illumi would be fine, because Kalluto still needed him. They all needed him, so…he won’t die. He can’t.

 

At the sudden weight of a hand on his shoulder he spun around instinctively, ready to attack. It was just Killua, though, who was giving him a look he couldn’t decipher. 

 

“Try to calm down,” his brother instructed. “We’ll be on the ground soon, and then we’re almost home.”

 

“I am calm.”

 

Killua raised an eyebrow. “Your claws are out, but sure.”

 

Shit.

 

Kalluto hadn’t even noticed he’d been ready to tear his brother’s heart out—not that he would’ve been successful in the attempt. Killua still outclassed him by an impossible degree.

 

Still, Kalluto flexed his fingers to return them back to normal, and tried for a deep breath.

 

“Did you even sleep at all last night?”

 

“A Zoldyck assassin can go for days without sleep.”

 

Killua made a face, some mixture of embarrassed and annoyed, as he turned to pose a query to Gon. “Please tell me I didn’t use to sound like that…”

 

Gon shrugged apologetically. “I can’t lie to you.”

 

“Man…this must be karma,” he grumbled. 

 

Killua spun back around to give Kalluto a look; something about it was distinctly unpleasant. 

 

“Okay. Let me tell you something, Kalluto. Zoldyck assassin or not, any significant lack of sleep still fucks you up. It messes with your reflexes, affects your reasoning and emotions…basically what I’m saying is: forget all the bullshit Illumi ever told you.”

 

“You mean, the ‘bullshit’ that kept me alive?”

 

Killua dragged a hand down his face. “You little—fuck. I don’t have the patience for this.”

 

“And I didn’t sign up for a lecture,” Kalluto countered. “I’m perfectly content with my life,” not quite true, but close enough, “and I don’t need you to show me a better path or whatever.”

 

Killua held his hands back. “Yeah, okay, fine. Unlike your favorite brother, I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life.”

 

“Illumi isn’t my favorite brother.”

 

Maybe Killua actually had a point about the hazards of sleep deprivation, because Kalluto certainly hadn’t intended to say that.

 

Shit shit shit fuck shit.

 

Even his internal monologue was degrading—how sad.

 

“Oh, really?” As Killua leaned forward with an obnoxious little grin, Kalluto braced himself for the inevitable mockery that would follow. “So it’s Milluki, then. Damn…honestly, I’m almost judging you harder for that.”

 

No! It’s you, asshole! 

 

Fortunately, he wasn’t so far gone as to spill every thought that ran through his mind.

 

“Shut up,” Kalluto said, looking down in pretend-frustration. 

 

“Milluki…” he shook his head, amused. “What do the two of you even talk about? Anime?”

 

“Leave him alone, Killua,” Alluka chided as she came to join them, and he instantly shut up.

 

While Kalluto had always been a strict rule-follower, in this case he was content ignoring the traditional Zoldyck hierarchy. It wasn’t as if Killua followed any of the other rules, and besides; why should they have to listen to him when he was being so insufferable? 

 

Illumi is never this annoying, even when he’s acting like an airhead…

 

Kalluto closed his eyes, willing away thoughts of his older brother. Best not to think, at this point. Thinking was bad and unnecessary. 

 

Barely a minute later, there was a gentle thud as the airship came to rest on the ground. The nearest train station was a short walk away, for ease of travel; almost before he processed what was happening, the four of them were seated in a booth on the train, bare winter trees rushing by in a blur of gray out the window. 

 

He’d ended up in an aisle seat, with Alluka directly across from him. Seated next to him was Killua, who sat across from Gon. He couldn’t even remember how they’d worked out the seat assignments…oh well. It wasn’t important.

 

“You should try to get some sleep, Kallu,” Alluka said gently.

 

He blinked at her, uncomprehending. “That’s not my name.”

 

She smiled. “I know. I’m trying out a nickname…do you like it?”

 

A nickname…he’d never really had one, besides the standard shortening of his name to Kal, which was just for efficiency. Alluka’s invention was almost the same, but something about it sounded softer.

 

“...It’s fine.”

 

“Seriously,” Killua added, “you look awful. Take a nap.”

 

Phrased like that, the order sounded condescending, and he bristled.

 

“I’m not a five-year-old. I don’t require naps.”

 

“Really?” Killua tilted his head in an insolent manner, and Kalluto already knew he’d hate the next words out of his mouth. “But you’re so short. I’ve heard sleep helps you grow taller.”

 

“I am not yet fifteen,” he pointed out, irritated at the unnecessary reminder of just how little he’d grown since they’d last seen each other. “I’ll hit my growth spurt soon.”

 

“Uh-huh…keep telling yourself that.”

 

“Brother, you’re being mean again,” Alluka said, reaching across the table to swat him.

 

After that, his siblings began lightly bickering over the definition of ‘mean’, with Gon serving as mediator of the debate. Since Kalluto truly couldn’t be fucked to listen to such nonsense, he allowed himself to zone out, leaning back against his seat and letting his eyes fall shut.

 

He hadn’t thought his exhaustion was that severe: perhaps he’d underestimated the soothing effect of conversation as white noise. The next Kalluto knew, he was leaning against a soft surface that didn’t feel like his seat, his head fuzzy from the unexpected sleep.

 

“Kalluto.” That was what had awoken him. Killua’s voice. “Time to go.”

 

Kalluto could feel the vibrations of his voice as he spoke, and he abruptly realized it was Killua’s shoulder he was leaning on. He quickly moved back and away, though the damage was already done.

 

Someone please kill me.

 

At least Killua seemed to feel similarly mortified, from the traitorous pinkness of his ears. They could simply move on, then. This incident didn’t need to be remarked on.

 

It was only as they were disembarking that Kalluto grasped what should have been obvious. “I slept for all that time—why did none of you wake me?”

 

“Clearly, you needed the sleep,” Killua tutted. “We weren’t even trying to be quiet.”

 

“Besides,” Alluka added, with a smile he somehow didn’t trust. “You looked sooo cute, sleeping on Killua’s shoulder like that! Don’t worry, guys—I got pics!”

 

“Delete those,” Killua and Kalluto said simultaneously. 

 

They exchanged an involuntary glance and quickly looked away, while Alluka started giggling.

 

“You’re both so weird,” she laughed. “It’s not embarrassing to show affection!”

 

“He wasn’t—”

 

“That’s not what—”

 

Horrible. This whole thing was horrible.

 

Kalluto felt disgustingly exposed, as if his insides had been scraped out for public viewing. 

 

Bad enough that they’d all seen him sleeping to begin with, but to fall asleep on Killua’s shoulder, of all places? 

 

It was like Kalluto hadn’t changed at all from the lonely child who’d followed his older brother around like a second shadow, desperately seeking attention he was always too afraid to ask for, and that never would’ve been granted even if he had. 

 

Always wanting more than he would ever be given. What a fool he was.

 

At least they were almost home, finally. Soon enough, his life would return to normal. He could leave these awful feelings behind him and move on. Nothing needed to change.

 

The train dropped them off near the foot of Kukuroo mountain, and from there they caught the tour bus. Kalluto tried to tune out the voice of the cheery tour guide talking about their family as if she had any right to be spouting such nonsense, but by the time they were finally at the gates, his eye was twitching with suppressed irritation. If it wouldn’t cause an unnecessary scene in public, he’d rip her useless heart out here and now.

 

“Kids, you need to get back on the bus,” the stupid guide, blinking with obvious confusion. “It’s too dangerous to go any further! These people won’t hesitate to kill you.”

 

Killua smiled brightly, a rather unnerving look. “Thanks, ma’am, but we’re good!”

 

While Kalluto wouldn’t admit it, he was a little impressed to see the tour guide get back on the bus after that without another word. Apparently, a smile could work as well as a threat if one knew what they were doing. 

 

As the bus left them behind, Zebro emerged from his office. “Goodness, look at all of you! Well done, Master Kalluto.”

 

“Thank you,” Kalluto said automatically. “How is Illumi?”

 

He immediately felt stupid for asking; Zebro was only the gatekeeper, he wouldn’t be privy to such family matters.

 

“I’m afraid I don’t have any news for you,” Zebro said gravely, shifting his gaze over to encompass Killua and Alluka as well. “Though in this case, I believe no news is good news.”

 

“Well, we’re here now,” Killua said. “He can last another fifteen minutes.”

 

Zebro nodded. It seemed like he was about to step away, but then he said, “Welcome back, Master Killua. You look well.”

 

“...Thanks, but don’t expect me to return anytime soon. This is a one-time thing.”

 

“Hi, Zebro!” Gon said with a cheery wave.

 

“Good to see you again, Gon.” Zebro smiled as he looked between him and Killua: a warmer expression than Kalluto had seen on the man before. “I’m glad to see you and Killua are still good friends. I’ll never forget how determined he was to come see you all those years ago.”

 

Killua glanced briefly at Gon, something in his eyes so soft and unguarded that Kalluto had to look away.

 

“Yeah, he’s an idiot like that,” he said, with disgusting fondness: as Gon smiled back at him, something passed between them that made Kalluto look away.

 

Ugh, gross.

 

After that whole unnecessary display, Zebro wished them luck before retreating back to the guardhouse. It was time to open the gates. Killua immediately stepped forward to do so, something that Kalluto had no objection to—at another time, he might’ve wanted to show off his strength, but that was a petty concern right now. 

 

Interestingly, Gon insisted on opening the gates with Killua, each of them taking one half.

 

Gon’s not weak, at least, Kalluto thought, watching Gon push his half of the gate open with relative ease. Though naturally, he couldn’t open as many of the gates as Killua. Still can’t measure up to him…but I suppose my brother could’ve chosen worse.

 

They hiked up the rest of the path in silence that grew increasingly tense as the vertical wall of the mountain loomed ever-larger over them. 

 

When they at last arrived at the massive doors which led into the mountain itself, Killua paused with his hand on the door handle, seemingly frozen in place for a reason Kalluto couldn’t fathom. Before he could snap at him to hurry up, his brother tugged the door open with violent force.

 

Darkness poured out of the house through the open doorway, billowing clouds of inky black even darker than night, impossibly void.

 

That was the first sign something was wrong.

 

The second sign was the aura that came right after the darkness, instantly casting a crushingly heavy and ominous spell over them. It felt like…he recognized this feeling from the Dark Continent expedition, though he couldn’t recall specifically where or when.

 

Gon turned sharply to Killua, a sudden sharp wildness in his eyes. “It feels like—”

 

“I know,” Killua hissed back. “It’s not him, but whatever it is…” he shook his head, as if shaking off a memory, before glancing at all of them with a finger held to his lips; let’s be quiet, for now.

 

That was a good idea; they didn’t know what lay ahead.

 

Kalluto’s stomach twisted with nerves as they crept through the dark halls. All of the hallway lanterns were out…the only light came from the two flashlights Gon had produced from his backpack.

 

After a minute he realized that Killua was leading them to the main control room of the house, which was another smart move. He felt stupid for not thinking of it himself; from there, they would likely be able to obtain a better picture of what exactly was happening.

 

When they arrived at the control room, the computers were all on, their bluish light illuminating the room in an eerie glow. Unfortunately, on second glance the screens all showed only static.

 

Kalluto’s heart leapt as he saw someone slumped in a chair near one corner. Even from the back of his head, it was obviously Milluki.

 

When he was about to approach, a hand on his arm stopped him.

 

Killua shook his head, giving him a glance that clearly communicated stay here.

 

Fine.

 

Kalluto stayed obediently rooted in place as Killua walked forward, stopping short to grab one arm of the computer chair and spin it around so that Milluki was facing them.

 

When Kalluto saw his brother’s face, for a moment he couldn’t breathe. 

 

Milluki’s eyes were closed, and from beneath them came dozens of tiny vines, like feelers. They were visible in the skin of his eyelids, sticking up like veins. The tendrils ran from his eyes all the way down his face, and they were moving ever so slightly as if caught in a faint breeze. Those weren’t the only vines on him, either. Thicker ones were wrapped around his arms and neck, effectively tying him down to his chair, while some of the largest ones vanished into the mess of wires below the computer consoles.

 

Milluki was still breathing, in the slow rhythm of a sleeping man, but that was small comfort.

 

Just like Illumi looked earlier on—is the curse contagious? What’s going on?

 

“Well. This is fucked.”

 

It was almost jarring to hear Killua speak—or maybe it was the manner in which he spoke, the too-casual tone. Like none of this was happening, or like he wasn’t even concerned at all. Kalluto was annoyed by his composure, but at the same time Killua’s calm helped settle the jittery panic of his thoughts.

 

“So we can talk now?” Kalluto asked.

 

“Seeing how those things are hooked into the computers…” Killua gestured to the mess of vines tangled with wires. “I’m willing to bet the enemy can already hear us. It’s probably been keeping tabs on us ever since we came inside.”

 

“And that doesn’t faze you?” Kalluto was stunned by his seeming indifference. Did he even care at all? “Look at him! Can Nanika even fix this?”

 

“I was about to ask,” Killua said, looking at Alluka. “Nanika, can—”

 

Nanika was already opening her pitch-black eyes.

 

A shiver ran down his spine at the sight of those starkly inhuman eyes. Admittedly, he was less intimidated than he’d been as a child—he had the Dark Continent expedition to thank for that. He’d seen worse than this black-hole face, but it remained unsettling.

 

“Hi, Nanika,” Killua said, totally unbothered. “Is it possible for you to…reverse all of this?”

 

Nanika paused, and then shook its head. “Sorry,” it said, sounding oddly…upset? “Not here. Deep roots…can only be pulled at the source.”

 

“That must be Illumi,” Kalluto concluded. Steeling himself, he turned to Nanika and asked, “So if you heal Illumi, everything else will go back to normal?”

 

“Ai,” Nanika hummed in affirmation.

 

“Great,” Killua said. “Thanks, Nanika.” He gave the creature a head pat, which it accepted with a happy smile, pushing into his hand slightly like the world’s creepiest cat.

 

Alluka returned shortly after, and instantly asked, “What did I miss?”

“We just have to get to Illumi, and then it’s game over,” Killua informed her. “Piece of cake.”

 

Alluka frowned. “Don’t jinx it, brother.”

 

“Illumi was staying in the quarantine room,” Kalluto said, already walking back into the hallway—this was no time for chit-chat. “He should still be there.”

 

This time, Killua let him take the lead, though his brother stayed just a step behind. It was a reassurance to have him here; this was one situation Kalluto couldn’t possibly handle alone.

 

The hallways seemed even darker somehow, though Kalluto knew it could only be a trick of the mind. After seeing Milluki’s current state, every shadow contained creeping vines; it was with significant effort that he kept his breathing steady.

 

“Kalluto,” Killua said after a while. “This is important—do you remember any point during your time in the Dark Continent when Illumi might have become cursed?”

 

That whole continent was cursed. 

 

An unpleasant array of images flashed through his mind, a slideshow of horrors, but after a minute his mind settled firmly on a particular memory. 

 

It was the most unsettling memory of them all, and one that he still couldn’t fully remember, even now. He knew he should be alarmed at how fuzzy the memory was in his mind, how strangely blurred around the edges, but truthfully he was fine with the vagueness.

 

Some things were better left forgotten.

 

Kalluto swallowed hard and forced himself to answer the question. “Near the ruins of the botanical city of Brion…we were avoiding that place, but then Illumi and I were separated from the group. We became lost, and wandered too close by mistake. One of the city’s guardians found us. We took shelter in a cave, but then we were trapped by vines.”

 

His memory ended there. Echoes of past feelings rose to the surface, of the suffocation and disbelief at being trapped and soon to die. He’d thought they were doomed.

 

“That sounds rough,” Killua said, seeming genuinely sympathetic. “What happened next? How’d you get out of there?” 

 

“I—I don’t remember.”

 

“Kalluto…I wouldn’t be asking if it weren’t important.”

 

“I don't,” he snapped. 

 

It was the truth—his memory ended there, and it hurt to think any more about it. Something horrible lurked at the edges, but as long as he didn’t go there, he was safe. They’d survived it, hadn’t they? Somehow, someway, they’d made it out—that was the only thing that mattered.

 

His head pulsed with pain, and he rubbed at his forehead until the ache subsided. It doesn’t matter. If it was important, then I wouldn’t have forgotten it.

 

“Why does it matter? Nanika will heal him regardless.”

 

Alluka nudged Killua’s side. “He’s right. Why are you being pushy?”

 

Killua shook his head. “Sorry,” he said to Kalluto, the apology so unexpected he could only stare blankly in response. “I’m not trying to stress you out. There’s just something here that feels off to me, and I was hoping more information would clarify things.”

 

Kalluto stared fixedly at the stone floor. Dark shapes swam before his eyes in the shadows. He blinked, and they were gone.

 

“Sorry,” he said. “I just…don’t know.”

 

“It’s fine, okay,” Killua replied awkwardly. 

 

Something lightly touched his shoulder—a hand, most likely—and then quickly retreated. 

 

They continued walking through the halls in silence. As they drew closer to the quarantine room, Kalluto dared to hope that they wouldn’t run into anyone else.

 

Unfortunately, they had no such luck.

 

In the hallway right outside the door to the quarantine room stood Silva, leaning solidly against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. It appeared he was guarding the entrance; while his eyes were closed, his aura spiked menacingly as they approached.

 

“Hey there, dad,” Killua said. “Been a while. Mind letting us in?”

 

Silva’s eyes opened, and Kalluto nearly screamed in shock.

 

His eyes were glowing a vivid, poisonous green. It was the same shade as the eyes of the guardian, a color Kalluto had never managed to forget. He saw it often in his more unpleasant dreams, but this was worse than anything his mind could imagine.

 

“Welcome home, Kil,” Silva greeted with a nod, and the very worst thing was that he sounded so normal. “Kal. I see you’ve succeeded in your mission. Good work.”

 

“Thanks, father,” Kalluto murmured, dropping his gaze; he couldn’t meet those eyes anymore. “Could you let us in now?

 

“I’m afraid not,” Silva replied, and his heart sank.

 

Please, he wanted to ask, but he knew that would do no good. One of his earliest lessons had been in the uselessness of pleading for anything. Begging is for the weak, Illumi had said. A Zoldyck is strong enough to overcome any pain.

 

“Okayyy,” Killua said with a huge sigh. “Sorry about this, but you’re gonna thank me later.”

 

That being said, he lashed out with a sudden bolt of lightning.

 

Silva was already halfway across the hallway, and he returned fire with a ball of aura. When Killua naturally dodged that as well, the Nen obliterated a solid portion of the wall.

 

This much Nen…dad’s aiming to kill. No. Not Silva. Whatever thing is inside him—that’s what wants us dead.

 

“You’re wrecking your own house!” Killua shouted. “Come on! This is ridiculous!”

 

While Silva was distracted by Killua’s shouting and charging up for another attack, Gon kicked him hard from behind. Silva went flying, and as he hit the ground Killua ended the fight with a simple chop to the back of the neck.

 

It had taken less than a minute for the two of them to defeat the head of the Zoldyck family. Of course, the fight would’ve been a different matter entirely if Silva were in his right mind, but it was still shocking to witness.

 

“...Should we tie him up?” Gon asked, glancing at Killua.

 

Killua considered that for a moment, but then shook his head. “Nah. He’d break out of any chains we put him in. Let’s just get this done fast before he wakes up.”

 

As soon as they walked into the room, Kalluto’s eyes immediately jumped to Illumi lying on the bed. He didn’t notice anyone else was there until Killua said, heavily, 

 

“Shit.”

 

Kikyo was perched on a chair beside the bed, in plain sight. Though the quarantine room was as unlit as everywhere else, Kalluto still had no idea how he’d missed her.

 

“My boys!” Kikyo called out, springing up from the chair.

 

She sounded normal too, but of course that meant nothing. As she rushed forward, Kalluto stiffened in preparation of attack, slipping a hand into his pocket for his fan; he refused to be useless during this fight.

 

All she did, though, was fold him into a hug.

 

Kalluto couldn’t help the ragged sigh that escaped him, nor could he resist melting into her embrace. Hugs were rare among the Zoldycks, even when it came to Kikyo; for all her loud affection, he could only recall a few times in his life when he’d received a hug like this.

 

Kikyo released him after another moment and reached her arms out entreatingly to Killua, who instantly hopped backwards in response.

 

“Stay back,” he said coldly, holding a hand out in clear threat. “Come any closer and I’ll stab you again.”

 

“Oh, but Kil, it’s been so long,” Kikyo lamented. “Won’t you hug your dear mother?”

 

Killua laughed sharply. “You’ve got vines all over you…so, no thanks.” Quieter, he muttered, “Not like I’d want to anyway.”

 

Kalluto blinked in shock and looked at her more closely. 

 

The room was brighter than it should be, considering the only light source was their flashlights. This was because of how Kikyo glowed faintly, haloed with Nen—and unlike her usual red-purple aura, the light she gave off was a sickly green.

 

Under such dim lighting the vines on her didn’t stand out, but now that Killua had drawn his attention to them, they were impossible to unsee. More delicate than even the ones that grew on Milluki, the vines on Kikyo wove across the fabric of her dress in patterns that naturally blended in with the preexisting design, wrapping her body in living lace up to her neck.

 

If not for their sinister nature, the vines might have looked beautiful—as it was, they appeared utterly grotesque. 

 

“You’ve always treated me with such disrespect,” Kikyo said, and in her voice Kalluto recognized the familiar slide from sweet affection to bitter anger. “What have I done to deserve a child like you? Only coming home after Kalluto drags you back—”

 

“God, you never shut up!” Killua snapped. “You should be grateful I came back at all. Now get out of the way so Nanika can heal your stupid son.”

 

Small tendrils of green began creeping down Kikyo’s face, growing out from underneath her visor. So they were under there all along, Kalluto thought heavily. He’d hoped their mother wasn’t as badly affected as Silva had been, but that was a foolish delusion.

 

Kikyo took another step forward while Killua stepped back, both of their Nen starting to flare around them. Her aura was alarming to witness, the unnatural quality of it making him feel increasingly sick. 

 

This is a waste of time! I need to stop them.

 

“Mother,” Kalluto said urgently—perhaps she’d still listen to him.

 

Kikyo actually stopped moving forward, and as she turned to look at him, her aura settled slightly. “What is it, Kal?”

 

“I apologize for Killua’s disrespect,” he began, bowing his head.

 

“Dear, that’s not something you should apologize for.”

 

“Please let us through,” Kalluto continued; begging might be for the weak, but he wasn’t sure what else to do at this point. Their mother had always liked it when they were polite to her, and if the words came from him, she might listen.  “We’re only here to heal Illumi. I know you want to see him get better too.”

 

Seeming in a trance, Kikyo pivoted slowly on her heel and walked back to the bed, leaving Killua’s tense form forgotten behind her. Now she only had eyes for her eldest child. Reaching down, Kikyo gently trailed a hand over his shoulder. Shrouded in darkness as he was, the twisted wrongness of Illumi’s body was less visible, but still clearly apparent.

 

“Illumi…” she said softly. “My eldest son…”

 

“Mother,” Kalluto said again. “Please, let us heal him.”

 

Kikyo drew away again and placidly sat back down. The vines over her face retreated slowly back under the visor, subdued for now. “Okay, Kal…what a good brother you are.”

 

I hope you will not regret it.

 

He blinked. “Did you say something just now?”

 

Kikyo tilted her head slightly in dazed confusion. “No.”

 

“I—okay. Thanks,” he said quickly, because Killua was giving him a look that said ‘shut up before she changes her mind’.

 

They all walked over to flank Illumi on the bed. As Alluka closed her eyes, Nanika woke up, turning that creepy face to him expectantly 

 

He felt an unwanted sting of fear. “Killua, why is she looking at me like that?”

 

“Because it’s your wish,” his brother answered simply. “It’s easy. Just ask for Illumi to be healed, and she’ll take it from there.”

 

Kalluto breathed in deep and pushed down his unease. “Okay…” Turning to Nanika, he asked, “Nanika, can you please heal Illumi?”

 

“Aye,” Nanika said, nodding. “Hand.”

 

“She wants you to give her Illumi’s hand,” Killua clarified.

 

To do so, he finally was forced to closely look at the body on the bed. Kalluto allowed himself a single second of weakness before turning his gaze to his brother. Immediately, a sickness twisted in his stomach, something feverishly hot and wrong, as if the vines were growing inside him again.

 

How ridiculous to feel this way. He was fine.

 

Illumi, on the other hand…could what he was looking at even be classified as a human anymore? He more closely resembled a shriveled-up root, a semblance of a man made of branches and vines. Endless green tendrils twisted over him, spilling out of his mouth and his eyes and his ears, entombing his whole body in a living cage.

 

An aura that was not his own hung over him: the same sickly green that consumed Kikyo and Silva and Milluki, only a thousand times more potent. It was so much worse than it had been before, grown into something heavy and stinking and poisonous, a nightmare become real.

 

“Kalluto,” his brother said softly, and he snapped out of his trance.

 

Steeling himself, Kalluto reached forward in search of anything that could be defined as a hand among the wreckage. He managed to find one, and after untangling it from the mess of thorns, he was relieved to see the hand still looked somewhat normal. He could ignore the roughness of it, how it felt almost like bark. Thorns grew from the knuckles, but that was fine.

 

This was Illumi’s hand, long and thin and strong; and still warm, with a soft, irregular pulse thrumming under the skin of the wrist.

 

When Kalluto placed the hand in Nanika’s waiting one, what happened next was indescribable. A strange aura flooded over them, and it felt like they passed through the heart of a star, while somehow surviving unharmed.

 

And then the bright aura faded to nothing. In its absence the room seemed incredibly dark. Kalluto blinked a few times, but his eyes were slow to adjust.

 

A quiet mutter of “Fuck this,” came from Killua, and electricity sparked near the wall above the bed. He’d re-lit the lantern hung there, and now it burned with a fresh blue flame.

 

Below that harsh light they finally were granted a clear view of the bed, but something looked wrong. The vines were all gone—and so was the body. That doesn’t make sense. Kalluto couldn’t understand. 

 

Illumi’s head was right there, his eyes open wide and staring right at them. So why wasn’t he saying anything? And where had his body gone? Why was it only his head? 

 

Nothing made sense. He didn’t understand anything.

 

“Oh, fuck,” Killua said quietly, his voice choked and wrong. “No. He’s not—Kalluto!”

 

Kalluto kept staring at the bed, waiting. Eventually it would all make sense. Nanika’s power must take some time. Soon it would—Illumi’s body would be there, he would speak to them, he would be alive. Hadn’t he said he wouldn’t die?

 

Each second dragged into the next and still, nothing changed. The longer he looked into Illumi’s blank eyes, the more his head started to pound, until it was throbbing horribly with every heartbeat. 

 

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

 

Something is missing. A stab of pain accompanied the thought in emphasis. What is it? What am I missing? There’s something I’m forgetting, but what? What is it that I can’t remember?

 

The more his thoughts ran obsessively in circles, the worse the pain, which was increasingly concentrated at a point in the center of his forehead. It felt like he’d been pierced by a thorn—or a needle.

 

A needle.

 

Instinct made him move faster than thought—he reached toward his head with fingers sharpened into points and pulled.

 

Killua seemed to be saying something loudly, but he ignored the distant noise in  favor of examining the object he’d just removed. There it is.

 

In his hand lay a bloody needle.

 

As Kalluto looked from the needle back to Illumi’s severed head, he stared into unseeing eyes and at last—he remembered.

 

 

 

🐉🥀🐉

 

 

 

“This isn’t good,” Illumi said blandly.

 

That was very much an understatement.

 

The vines were growing thicker and faster around the entrance to the cave, cutting them off from escape, and the confined air was beginning to smell rancid. Kalluto didn’t like that they were breathing it in without a mask, but seeing as earlier they’d been cut off from the rest of their group, leaving them without supplies or backup, he didn’t have much choice. 

 

Still, Kalluto hadn’t been seriously concerned until now, because for the first time he could remember Illumi seemed apprehensive. His brother’s forehead wrinkled in consternation as he gently flicked a thin needle back and forth between his hands, seeming deep in thought. It was smaller than his other needles, and Kalluto wondered at the use for it.

 

Before long there was no more time for thought, as the writhing wall of plants grew ever-closer, encroaching on the last remaining space. Both of them lashed out repeatedly with their Nen, to varying results. 

 

Kalluto’s paper proved to be nearly useless here. These damned plants were tougher than even a chimera ant’s armor; it would take far too long for him to make any dent in them. Illumi was moderately more successful, in that he was able to make the vines retreat slightly, but even his superior power wasn’t enough to make a real difference.

 

Illumi retreated to join Kalluto against the farthest corner of the cave, the last space granted to them. Kalluto looked to him for instruction, but Illumi just looked at the vines with an utterly unreadable expression. After a second, his eyes glazed over, and he reached out slowly to touch the closest vine.

 

“What are you doing?” Kalluto asked, puzzled by the odd action. Illumi remained silent, staring with eerie blankness at the vines that caged them. “Illumi. Now isn’t the time to…”

 

Illumi drew his hand away and finally blinked, his gaze sharpening back to normal.

 

“Hm,” he said. “I see. No way out but through.”

 

Kalluto didn’t understand what he was saying. “What do you mean?”

 

Swiftly, Illumi’s hand flew out and tossed the needle he’d been holding. The thin golden needle was embedded in Kalluto’s forehead before he could even think to dodge, and he fell instantly to his knees.

 

A thousand thoughts ran through his head at once. 

 

Movement was impossible and his Nen had immediately been forced into Zetsu. He sensed that he could still speak, though. Was it one of those needles, then? Kalluto had seen Illumi use them on people for interrogations, and had even experienced the effect once himself, so he knew the Nen would wear off in about an hour.

 

Generally, the effects of those needles were harmless, but that was far from the case here. In this dangerous situation, why would Illumi ensure he couldn’t defend himself?

 

Besides the obvious, something felt strange. When he flicked his eyes up to look at his own forehead, rather than the glint of gold, he saw nothing—the needle had sunk fully inside his head, leaving no visible trace behind. 

 

An interior needle? Illumi only used those in very special circumstances, like with Killua.

 

“Illumi,” he said slowly, trying to stay calm. “What have you done?”

 

Illumi looked back at him, and it was impossible to guess what he was thinking. Seeing that blank expression, Kalluto felt almost sick with fear, though the feeling made no sense to him. They were a team, after all, and he trusted Illumi. He knew his brother would never do anything to put his life at risk, but his behavior here made no sense.

 

“I put a special kind of Nen in that needle,” Illumi said. “You won’t remember any of this later.” 

 

Kalluto looked up again briefly. The needle was still invisible, he couldn’t even feel it, but he knew Illumi wouldn’t lie to him about the effects. Even as a bone-deep dread creeped into him from Illumi’s cryptic words, he forced his breathing to remain steady.

 

“I don’t get it. What’s your plan?”

 

“The guardian needs a sacrifice,” Illumi explained, far too calmly. “The vines wouldn’t stop until both of us were dead, but I’ve made a deal with it. You’re going to be fine.”

 

He began walking forward, and for him, the vines parted easily, forming a path through the thick tangle. A path to his death.

 

Dread sparked into molten-hot panic.

 

“Stop! Illumi, get back here now!”

 

Illumi paused, glancing back, but made no move to come closer. “Sorry. I can’t.”

 

Kalluto felt the wild urge to scream. Usually, Illumi’s apologies had no weight, but there was an unmistakable gravity to his statement now that set Kalluto’s heart pounding. He knew what it meant; nothing he could say would make his brother change his mind. 

 

“You can’t leave me,” he demanded, unable to stop himself. “I refuse to return home without you. Release me right this instant, brother!”

 

“I’m not doing that,” Illumi said. He was still so calm, it was maddening. “This is for the best, you’ll see. But don’t worry. As long as you still need me, I won’t leave you. That’s a promise.”

 

How is this not leaving me? And why make me forget this?

 

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Kalluto couldn’t stop his voice from shaking. “Please, don’t go! There has to be another way.”

 

Illumi tapped his own forehead once, and briefly he smiled. It was the warmest expression Kalluto had ever seen him wear.

 

 “I’ll see you later, Kal.”

 

“ILLUMI!”

 

Acting as if he couldn’t hear him, Illumi turned neatly around and walked back into the thorns. This time, he didn’t stop, swiftly vanishing from sight as the path closed up behind him.

 

No matter how much Kalluto screamed for him to come back, he never did.

 

 

 

🐉🥀🐉

 

 

 

Kalluto recalled everything now. 

 

How he wished he didn’t. 

 

At some point after his brother had walked away, he must have passed out from sheer exhaustion. He’d awoken on the ground to Illumi prodding at his shoulder, telling him to get up. The vines were all gone, the path to the exit clear. Confused, he’d asked Illumi what had happened, and his brother had simply told him that he’d handled it.

 

Kalluto’s throat had been terribly sore, for some reason, and he’d felt so drained and disoriented that he hadn’t even thought to question the story. Illumi was so much stronger than him, after all. It wasn’t that unbelievable to think he’d been able to deal with the guardian all on his own.

 

And he had, in the end.

 

“Kalluto!” Someone was holding both his shoulders, shaking him roughly—it was Killua. Tears were running freely down his brother’s face, though he didn’t seem to notice. “Come on, Kalluto, fucking say something—”

 

“Yes?”

 

Killua stopped shaking him, but he kept a too-tight grip on his shoulders. Kalluto didn’t really mind; something about the pressure was reassuring. It would almost certainly bruise.

 

“So Illumi’s dead,” Killua said with forced calm. 

 

Kalluto looked past him to the bed, where Illumi’s head remained leaning against the pillow, his black eyes staring blankly, hair spread out behind him. He looked to be only recently deceased, his skin grayish but his eyes not yet sunken. Kikyo was leaning forward in her chair; she seemed to be weeping as she cradled a strand of his hair in one hand.

 

“Yes,” he acknowledged. “I remember now.”

 

“How could you forget that?” Killua asked desperately. “What the fuck happened, Kalluto?”

 

Having just relived the whole experience, Kalluto would rather not go over it all right now. Still, Killua deserved to know the truth of what had happened, as did their mother. Kalluto locked away the feeling that made him want to scream without stopping, and calmly explained the whole series of events. By the end of it, he only felt nothing.

 

“Ever since then, Illumi has been a Nen beast,” Killua concluded flatly.

 

“It seems so,” Kalluto agreed, since that was the only reasonable explanation.

 

“Fuck,” Killua muttered, finally stepping away to stare at the bed with some unreadable emotion, hands trembling violently at his side. Gon stepped closer to lean against him, while Alluka came up to take his hand. He didn’t seem to notice either of them. “Fuck. Illumi, you…”

 

At some point—Kalluto wasn’t sure when—Silva had entered the room. His eyes had returned to their normal blue, the vines around him all gone. Kikyo was back to normal as well. 

 

Nanika had healed everyone apart from Illumi; there was a certain sick irony in that.

 

“The guardian’s Nen must have corrupted him,” Silva said quietly. He was staring at the bed like the rest of them, seeming unable to look away. “Illumi may have been sick for much longer than we believed, and hiding it from us.” He frowned. “Of course, that wasn’t truly Illumi—”

 

“It was,” Kalluto snapped. Silva gave him a startled look—he never interrupted his father, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. “In every way that matters, he was Illumi. He told me he wouldn’t leave me, and he kept his promise. He stayed for as long as he could.”

 

His words were followed by a dead silence. The only sound in the room was Kikyo’s broken sobbing as all of them were caught in a horrible standstill. 

 

Someone should go tell Milluki and Grandpa and Grandma and Maha, he thought absently. They should all be informed.

 

“Fuck this,” Killua said loudly, the words bursting out of him. Flanked by his two closest people, he glared at the rest of them, his seeming anger contradicted by the tears still sliding steadily down his face. “I’m out of here. Tell me when the funeral is, and maybe I’ll come.”

 

He stormed out of the room, followed closely by his companions. For the briefest moment, Kalluto had the passing urge to chase after them, just to escape this horrible airless room. 

 

It was a foolish dream. As far as he ran, he couldn’t escape from the truth.

 

Besides, Kalluto’s family needed him more than ever now. With everything crumbling underfoot, he needed to be a good and reliable son.

 

“I’ll tell the others,” he told his parents, and slipped out of the room before they could possibly tell him to stay.

 

Kalluto tracked down his grandparents and Maha first, relaying the news to all of them quickly.  There was no point in wasting time with the full story; that, they could get from Silva.

 

At last he returned to the computer room, where he found Milluki slumped in the chair where they’d left him. His older brother was still asleep and snoring softly, his head tipped back and mouth slightly open.

 

Kalluto hesitated for just a moment, because as long as Milluki slept, he didn’t know. Unlike the rest of them, he still lived in a world where Illumi was alive—horribly sick, perhaps, but soon to be healed.

 

There was no point putting it off any longer; Kalluto roughly shook him awake.

 

“Whuh,” Milluki complained, blinking slowly awake. “Ah, it’s you, Kal…hang on. What happened? My recent memories are all fucked up.”

 

Kalluto ended up giving him the whole story, starting with the state they’d found him in and ending with the revelation of Kalluto’s newly-recovered memories. He hadn’t meant to say all of it again, but somehow once he’d begun he couldn’t stop until the end.

 

After he fell silent, Milluki stared vacantly at the nearest computer, the dancing rainbow screensaver reflected in his dark eyes. “This whole fucking time…” he muttered, clearly disturbed. His hands clenched into fists. “How the hell did we miss that?”

 

Kalluto had no answer for him. All he had was a question.

 

He freed the compass from his bag—he’d stolen it back from Killua after waking up on the train, though he rather suspected his brother had let him—and handed it over to Milluki. “You told me that this would indicate if any of us were dead. Why is his face only faded now?”

 

“...I don’t know,” his brother replied, seeming honestly at a loss. “I honestly don’t…I used old blood we had in storage, so that’s not the issue, but—” He swallowed thickly. “Fuck. Maybe…I mean, Illumi’s personality was fully intact, wasn’t it? All of his memories, even his Nen. For the compass, that must’ve counted as life.”

 

“That’s fucked up,” Kalluto said, glaring at the useless object that had given him false hope, that had fooled all of them into believing there was still a chance Illumi could be saved. 

 

He should’ve let Killua break the damn thing.

 

“Yeah,” Milluki agreed softly.

 

And then they were quiet; the two of them, for once, in perfect agreement.

Notes:

Out of curiosity, did anyone predict Nen beast Illumi? I left a few hints, but it’s always hard to tell how obvious I’m being when I already know the deal. Anyway. He’s dead :) apologies to Illumi fans, I don’t hate him but it had to happen for the Story.

Now with the main plot concluded (kind of), we move on to family therapy time. (Not literally of course, the Zoldycks would never trust a therapist with their precious children.)

Hope this made at least one of you tear up a little, and I’ll be back next week for more fun times! And thanks for reading.

Chapter 4: this is only temporary

Illumi’s funeral was held a week later.

 

The Zoldyck family cemetery was hidden deep in the woods around the mountain, at the bottom of a small crater. No grass grew here. Something must have happened in the past to make it that way, though Kalluto didn’t know what and didn’t care to ask why.

 

Beside a pitch-black granite gravestone was a freshly dug hole. The grave wasn’t any deeper than a handwidth: rather than bury Illumi’s dismembered head, they’d chosen to cremate it. Even then, the ashes hardly took up any space. 

 

Resting atop the ashes was a golden needle, the same one which had kept Illumi ‘alive’ for all this time.

 

While Kalluto had doubted that Killua would attend the funeral, his brother did come, in the end—and he didn’t come alone. Alluka accompanied him, sticking tightly to his side. No one said a word about her presence, and how could they? 

 

Without her, the whole family could have perished. They owed Alluka a debt that could never be repaid. Perhaps that was why, when Kalluto had told them the conditions for Alluka’s help, nobody had objected. Of course, nobody had explicitly agreed either, but he’d expected more of a fight. Technically, Illumi hadn’t been healed. They could’ve made an argument that the deal hadn’t been fulfilled and demanded Killua’s return.

 

Even though Killua wouldn’t have gone along with that, it was still telling that they hadn’t even tried. It seemed like their parents had finally given up on Killua returning to the family and resuming his duties as heir. Kalluto…wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about that.

 

Even now, Killua stood at a significant distance from the rest, with the exception of Alluka, at the edge of the crater. The expression on his face said that he’d rather be anywhere else.

 

Without much ceremony, Zeno covered up the hole. He whispered a few words to the dirt that Kalluto didn’t catch before standing up. He looked to Silva, who began to speak.

 

“Illumi was an excellent assassin, but he will be remembered for more than that. He gave his all to the family, being especially dedicated to the protection of his younger brothers. Without his selfless sacrifice, Kalluto wouldn’t be alive today.”

 

Kalluto clenched his fists, chest aching hollowly at the reminder. 

 

“Illumi was a good brother, and a loyal son,” Silva continued. “He will certainly be missed.” He paused, and a look of bone-deep exhaustion overtook him. It was strange. Kalluto had never thought of his father as old before, but at that moment he seemed ancient. “Does anyone else have any words?”

 

Kikyo, weeping delicately into a handkerchief, remained silent and eerily still, grief turning her into a statue of herself. The older family members had nothing to say either. Milluki, for a second, seemed about to speak, but in the end he just looked back at the grave, his expression unreadable.

 

“I’ll say something,” Killua said lightly, and Kalluto braced for impact. Killua’s face was equally impossible to read, though not for a lack of emotions: rather, there were too many to distinguish any single one. He stared at the gravestone intently before he began to speak. 

 

“I’ll be honest. You were a pretty shit brother, for the most part,” Killua said, and Kalluto realized with a jolt that he was addressing Illumi directly. “I’ll never forgive you for some of the things you did. But…” he paused for several seconds as they all waited for him, the air tense with anticipation. “Thanks. For saving Kalluto.”

 

Kikyo sobbed even harder as the atmosphere grew somber. Kalluto felt…he needed to say something. He didn’t know what, he’d never been good at putting his emotions into words, but he at least owed Illumi this much. 

 

Kalluto opened his mouth, and let the words pour out without thought.

 

“I wish you’d thought about yourself sometimes,” he told the grave. It was easier to speak if he were addressing Illumi, and his brother’s image was still painfully fresh in his mind. He could picture him so clearly. “I told you I didn’t want to return home without you…” and you lied to me, was what he didn’t say. It was a selfish thought.

 

I wish we’d never gone there. If only we had never gotten on that stupid whale boat…you’d still be here. You’d still be alive.

 

Kalluto breathed in deep, refocusing. “I know you always put our family first, so I understand why you did it. You’re finally at rest now.” I should be glad, but I can’t. Even if death is only natural, even if you were only a ghost living on stolen time—“I miss you,” he finished weakly.

 

Why did you have to go? Was I really worth it?

 

I love you. I’m so sorry.

 

Even with all he’d held back, he’d said more than he’d intended to, and he felt a horrible stinging wetness on his cheeks like dripping acid.

 

There was nothing embarrassing about crying at your brother’s funeral. Still, he felt stripped raw in front of his whole family, even worse than if his skin had physically been ripped open. He needed to leave. He couldn’t be here one second longer.

 

Kalluto walked away, barely keeping himself from running, and no one stopped him. 

 

The others would soon depart as well, he was sure. Nothing more needed to be said. The Zolycks weren’t much for ceremony; before too long, they’d return to life as normal. Illumi’s death, devastating as it was, wouldn’t affect the family business. Taking any time off from jobs would only be a sign of weakness; assassins didn’t get time to grieve. 

 

What if I took a break from working?

 

It was a startling thought. A foreign thought; Kalluto had never felt any desire for that kind of thing before. Previously, he’d always kept going, only ever taking as much rest as was needed to maintain a steady rhythm. Like a well-made clock, he was ever-reliable.

 

Perhaps a better comparison would be a cog in a perfect machine; he did his part to participate in a larger design, and he did so without complaint. To do otherwise would be ungrateful. He shouldn’t even be considering…what’s wrong with me?

 

Kalluto became suddenly aware of a wall looming in front of him, and he frowned at the unexpected sight. When did I walk all the way to the gates…? Where has my mind gone?

 

“Kalluto!”

 

Killua was running up to him, Alluka lagging a few steps behind. They must’ve been about to head out the gates. He was vaguely surprised to see they hadn’t left already; he’d probably been wandering around in the forest for a stupidly long time. 

 

“Killua,” he acknowledged. “Alluka. I’m glad you both came.”

 

“You should come home with us,” Killua blurted out, and he—

 

What?

 

“I’m sorry, I think I misheard that.”

 

“Come home with us,” his brother said again, more slowly. His words sounded genuine, but they didn’t make any sense. “I mean, you don’t have to or anything, but you look fucking exhausted. Don’t you want a break? Some time to just…rest?”

 

That Killua would say that almost right after he’d thought it…was his brother secretly psychic, or did he truly look that bad? 

 

He probably did look awful, to be fair…for the past week, he’d had trouble sleeping. Every night he dreamed of memories he’d rather forget, and after waking in the early hours of morning, he was never able to persuade himself to try sleeping again. It had gotten to the point where he skipped sleeping on purpose, not like that was much better.

 

Regardless of sleeping, Kalluto still had to rest occasionally. And no matter what tasks he tried occupying himself with, he couldn’t ever relax, not when he couldn’t stop thinking.

 

He’d developed a new routine of staring for hours at the ceiling every night while his mind spun ceaselessly, analyzing all his interactions with his older brother since the time they’d returned from the Dark Continent.

 

Impossibly, Illumi had been both dead and alive at the same time.

 

For over a year, his brother had been a walking corpse puppeted by his own Nen, and none of them had even noticed. How had they not realized? And how long would Illumi have ‘lived’ like that if he hadn’t already been corrupted by the guardian’s Nen? Would he ever have aged, would he have faded over time…would they never have known?

 

Had Illumi even known what he was, or had he forgotten his own death?

 

Even now, Kalluto couldn’t feel grateful that his brother was finally at rest. He felt horrible about how much he longed for a world in which Illumi managed to stick around for years longer. It didn’t matter to him that Illumi had been a Nen beast—he’d still been himself in every way that counted, hadn’t he?

 

Don’t be so selfish.

 

For a time, Illumi had pulled off the impossible for him, but all things had to end eventually. Kalluto needed to accept that his brother was gone for good. He should be grateful to be alive, even if he felt half-dead from tiredness.

 

Kalluto allowed himself a moment of weakness, and let his eyes fall shut. There was a prick of pain from his hand inside his pocket: the needle he’d ripped out of his head a week ago. He didn’t loosen his grip.

 

“Yes,” he finally admitted. “I am tired. I’m…so tired, Killua.”

 

Arms settled around him, and he could hardly breathe. Is this really…no. Despite the unreality of the moment, he was sure this was actually happening. His dreams were never this kind.

 

Tentatively, he hugged his brother back, expecting that to make the moment end. Only Killua didn’t move away; he actually held on tighter. Against all logic, the tight pressure of his arms made breathing easier.

 

“I miss him,” Kalluto said into his shoulder. “I don’t…” 

 

I don’t know what to do, he nearly said, but he did. Illumi had given him an order, when they were still on the Black Whale: Keep living. Survive.

 

Such a simple command should be easy to follow, but there was a new weight pushing down on his chest, threatening to suffocate him as surely as the poisonous air of the cave. He didn’t know how to live with it yet, and it hurt to even think about moving forward as if nothing had changed when the whole world had shifted.

 

But time wouldn’t stop for him. Somehow, he had to figure it out.

 

“I know,” his brother said quietly, like he knew what Kalluto meant. Softer, in an almost inaudible whisper: “I know. Fuck.”

 

A second pair of arms suddenly flung around them both, and Kalluto turned his head to see Alluka had joined the hug.

 

“Our first group hug,” she said, her tone not-quite cheerful but certainly not serious. “I’m sure there will be many to come.”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” Killua scoffed. He pulled away a few seconds later, and the hug dissolved, leaving three separate bodies behind. Kalluto pretended not to notice as he wiped away a stray tear. “Let’s go. Gon is waiting.”

 

Without further pause, he pushed open the gates for them. Kalluto hesitated as he was about to follow, glancing back at Kukuroo mountain. He knew he should go back and pack a bag…he didn’t even know how long he was staying with his siblings. Should he ask? Most likely, he’d only be gone a few days. Perhaps a week.

 

Irrationally, Kalluto didn’t want to go home for even the time it would take to pack a bag. He didn’t want to risk running into his mother, who’d likely still be crying, and have to do his best to comfort her when he couldn’t even make himself feel better. He didn’t want to run into Silva or Zeno and become trapped in a stifling silence. 

 

He especially didn’t want to run into Milluki—either they’d fight or they wouldn’t, and both possibilities were equally exhausting to think about.  

 

As the mountain he called home loomed over him imposingly, all he could think of was the death that filled its narrow halls. He didn’t want to go back there, not even for an hour.

 

“Hey, you coming?” Killua was still holding the gates open for him. Though his brother didn’t even look strained at the weight of them, he still felt guilty, and quickly darted through so Killua could release his burden. 

 

“Sorry,” he muttered.

 

“It’s fine,” Killua dismissed. His steps picked up in speed, setting a rapid pace for their descent. It seemed they’d be walking to the train station, which suited Kalluto fine; the thought of being on that crappy tour bus right now was utterly repugnant. And exhausted as he was, his control was stretched thin…he didn’t trust himself to not murder an overly annoying tourist. 

 

 “Fuck, I can’t wait to be home…” Killua sighed.

 

“Excited to get back to your boyfriend?” Alluka teased, wiggling her eyebrows in an exaggerated manner.

 

Killua shot a quick look at Kalluto, a blush quickly forming on his face. “Shut up, Alluka! He isn’t—”

 

“I know the two of you are together,” Kalluto interrupted. “Gon told me as much when I questioned him on the airship.”

“What?” Killua seemed stunned, which suggested Gon hadn’t mentioned their conversation to him. Interesting. “That blabbermouth. I told him not to say anything.”

 

“So you asked him to lie to our little brother?” Alluka asked, looking vaguely judgemental.

 

“I didn’t say that. Honestly, I didn’t think it would come up.”

 

Kalluto might’ve been missing a layer to this conversation. Perhaps he was too tired to follow, because Killua simply wasn’t making sense.

 

“Did you think the two of you were subtle?” Kalluto questioned. “Because you aren’t.”

 

Killua groaned loudly, looking up to the sky in exasperation. “I don’t need this right now…this is why I didn’t want you to know, by the way. Alluka gives me enough shit on her own.”

 

“Oh, were you worried we’d gang up on you?” Alluka asked sweetly. “Wise. You should worry.”

 

As his siblings started bickering, Kalluto let the contents of their fight fade into the background. He couldn’t follow their banter right now, but somehow it was still soothing to listen to their voices, like it had been on the train. 

 

Alluka’s distracting him, he realized eventually. 

 

Killua usually pretended like he didn’t care about Illumi, but his act had dropped completely at the funeral. Alluka, on the other hand, genuinely had little attachment to Illumi; maybe she carried some guilt at being unable to save him, but she certainly wasn’t in mourning. She’d only come to the funeral to support Killua, and now she was doing her best to distract him from his grief.

 

Thinking about all of that made him feel…odd. He couldn’t identify the emotion. As they kept walking, past the gates and down the mountain, he allowed himself to drift away entirely. Safe in the company of his siblings, he could focus on internal matters for a while.

 

Vaguely, he was aware of getting on a train. The gentle movement as the train set off threatened to send him right to sleep, but he firmly resisted the urge.

 

…It’s guilt, he finally realized. That’s what this is.

 

Despite the rest of the family not considering her human, Alluka had still been willing to heal Illumi, who had even tried to kill her before. She had healed Kalluto, back on the island, and he hadn’t even thanked her for it. Alluka could make Killua smile even now…a feat which would be impossible for Kalluto to pull off.

 

The family hadn’t treated Alluka well because of the creature she housed, but Nanika’s possession had always been out of her control. 

 

Illumi hadn’t even…been himself for over a year, and the thing inside him that was also from the Dark Continent had put the whole family at risk just like Nanika had. It had hurt them much more than Nanika ever had, in fact.

 

And despite that, Illumi was still loved. They honored him, they praised him—and at the same time they ignored how Alluka had willingly harnessed Nanika’s powers to save them from the vines. Even now, their tolerance of her could only amount to pretending she didn’t exist. True gratitude was out of the question.

 

It’s not fair, he thought. 

 

He didn’t know how he was only recognizing that now.

 

After realizing the unfairness, he couldn’t ignore his role in the matter a second longer. He forced his eyes back open and addressed her. “Alluka.” She looked at him immediately, eyes bright with a question. “I’m sorry.”

 

Alluka blinked, startled. “What for?”

 

“On that island, you healed me. You saved my life, but I didn’t even thank you for it.”

 

“Oh,” she said. “Kalluto, you don’t have to—”

 

“I do,” he insisted. “Thank you, Alluka.”

 

“It wasn’t even me, really…”

 

“And thank you, Nanika,” he added, because she had a point. He still didn’t like Nanika, and he couldn’t imagine that would change. That didn’t mean he couldn’t acknowledge how Nanika had helped him. In this, he didn’t want to be like the rest of their family.

 

That thought led down a dangerous path, and he pushed it away swiftly; he was too drained to even begin considering his future. He could barely imagine what he might do tomorrow.

 

“Well, you’re very welcome!” Alluka said, with a brilliant smile. “Nanika appreciates it too.” 

 

Kalluto tried his best to give her a smile in return, but couldn’t quite manage it. He didn’t think she minded, though.

 

“Huh.” Killua’s voice was thoughtful, one hand propped against his chin as he looked at Kalluto with an odd gentleness. “And I used to think you were an irredeemable brat…guess I was wrong.”

 

Something about Killua’s expression, the unguarded quality of it, the…softness, struck Kalluto as very wrong. Wasn’t this kind of expression usually reserved for Alluka and Gon? Why would he be looking at Kalluto like this?

 

Does Killua…like me now??

 

That final, impossible thought was the last straw for his brain, and he swiftly passed out.

 

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

Until now, Kalluto hadn’t put much thought as to where his runaway siblings might be living. He’d half-assumed they were still traveling the world with no permanent base, but it turned out they’d somewhat recently started renting an apartment in Yorknew City.

 

And for some reason, Gon lived there too.

 

According to Alluka, Gon was only ‘staying as a temporary guest to support Killua in these trying times’. She’d said that, but then she’d winked at him, so he wasn’t sure what to believe after that. The evidence suggested something less temporary; though Gon seemed to be living out of Killua’s closet, he hadn’t yet mentioned when he was leaving, and he lounged about the place as if he’d lived there his whole life. 

 

If Gon ended up staying for much longer, Kalluto was going to bring up the question of rent. While he may have begrudgingly accepted his brother’s choice in a boyfriend, he wouldn’t support Killua dating a deadbeat.

 

That issue aside, the apartment…was nice. Kalluto had never lived anywhere so—he supposed cozy was the word. The Zoldyck estate was essentially the opposite of that; a hollowed-out mountain naturally tended to be cold and dark.

 

Aside from Kukuroo mountain, he’d only ever stayed in temporary spaces. A suite on the Black Whale, an endless series of hotel rooms, or a tent. 

 

Killua and Alluka’s apartment wasn’t like any of those places. While it did technically qualify as temporary—he couldn’t imagine they’d live here for the rest of their lives—there was a distinct settledness to it, a hominess, that made it feel very different from any hotel room.

 

There was art hung on the walls, mostly drawings and paintings Alluka had made. A few of them, all dark and rather disturbing abstract pieces, had supposedly been created by Nanika. He’d never imagined a Dark Continent creature could have any interest in some mundane hobby like painting, but evidently he’d been wrong again.

 

Two windows in the living room looked out at a middle school. While the living room chairs were quite comfortable, Kalluto preferred to perch on the windowsills, which were wide enough for a person to comfortably sit. He found he enjoyed sitting there and watching people running on the track or playing soccer on the field, and his siblings often took advantage of the windowsills as well. He’d once even caught Killua napping curled up like a cat on one of them on a sunny day.

 

Mornings soon became a comfortable routine. Gon was the earliest riser, who would get up before sunrise and make tea. Kalluto was the next to wake, and after only a few days, Gon had gotten into the unspoken habit of starting water for both of them.

 

And then, while the others still slept, they would drink their tea in an oddly companionable silence. Eventually, Kalluto was forced to admit to himself that Gon actually wasn’t the worst company. When he wasn’t speaking, he was much more tolerable. 

 

The room Kalluto was staying in was a glorified closet, much smaller than his room at home; he suspected it was originally a storage room. Still, he knew he was lucky to have a room at all—at first he’d assumed he would have to share with Alluka. At least this way they each got their own space and he didn’t feel like he was intruding. The apartment’s largest bedroom, meanwhile, was apparently shared by Killua and Gon: something he truly hated to consider for too long. 

 

Kalluto had only found one issue with his assigned room, and that was the wretched vines draped outside the window, choking out the light. He’d taken immediate action, climbing out and completing a comprehensive pruning. Once that was done, he’d taken the remains to the roof and burned them. 

 

That was on the first day of his visit, and after he’d belatedly wondered if they’d be angry at him for taking such liberties. Fortunately, nobody said anything about it, though he was sure Killua at least had noticed.

 

There was a strange freedom in living here, he’d found, in that there didn’t seem to be any household rules. Each person living in the apartment had their regular chores and duties, sure, but even when someone slacked off, the only consequence was mild harassment from the others. It was lawless, in a way. Somehow Kalluto didn’t mind it.

 

It scared him a little, how much he liked it here. He’d only been visiting for a couple of weeks but already he dreaded leaving.

 

Now that he was faced with the prospect of returning home, the time felt so short. It seemed like yesterday that he’d arrived here. Every morning, Kalluto thought about leaving—-he could get up early, slip out before even Gon was awake. It would be easier that way.

 

Every morning, he considered leaving, and then he didn’t. It was so warm here…he knew the stone passageways of Kukuroo mountain would feel so cold and empty in comparison. At home, there would be no escape from the aching absence of Illumi. He’d be unable to walk down the halls without remembering.

 

Still, he’d have to go home eventually. He was running out of excuses to stay; two weeks was more vacation than he’d ever had in his life. It was a little surprising Kikyo hadn’t contacted him yet—he could only assume she was lost in her grief.

 

One morning, Kalluto awoke from another nightmare when the sky was still mostly dark. For whatever reason, bad dreams seemed to occur with less frequency here. Still, they would happen occasionally, and he hadn’t yet mastered the trick of going back to sleep after. 

 

As comfortable and familiar as his room was becoming, it felt too small now. Constricting. Too tight, too dark—claustrophobic in a way that recalled the cave. 

 

Silently, he slipped out into the hall.

 

I could leave now, the thought occurred to him. This early, he wouldn’t have to say goodbye to anyone. It would be so easy to slip out. He could be on an airship in an hour. No…I’m too tired. Maybe tomorrow. 

 

He consciously ignored the fact that he’d been pushing his departure off for days and took a deep breath, feeling his heart rate start to slow.  It was easier to breathe in the open space of the hallway. 

 

Still, knowing further sleep would elude him, he went to the kitchen to make himself tea. With a hot mug in his hands, he already felt steadier, and he settled cross-legged on his favored windowsill, watching as the sky slowly lightened.

 

It was perhaps thirty minutes later, just as he was returning to the kitchen to fix himself another cup, that Gon appeared in the hallway.

 

That’s earlier than he usually gets up, Kalluto thought, looking at him: from Gon’s expression, he was thinking the same thing. 

 

Gon didn’t look too good, actually. There was an unusual hollowness to his eyes that Kalluto couldn’t recall seeing there before. It didn’t suit him.

 

“I’ll add more water to the kettle,” Kalluto offered. 

 

He wasn’t sure why he’d broken their usual habit of silence…maybe he wanted to offer some support, in a way. Because he felt…concerned.

 

What? Why do I care about Gon now? Is this what happens when you live with someone for a certain amount of time?

 

It was an uncomfortable realization to arrive at, but he couldn’t bring himself to resist the feeling, not when Gon looked so pathetic.

 

Disgusting. When did I become so sentimental?

 

“Thanks,” Gon said softly.

 

He drifted to the living room after that and didn’t return, so Kalluto took the liberty of fixing mugs for both of them. By now, he knew Gon’s favorite morning mug, along with his usual variety of tea.

 

Once the tea was steeped, he carried both mugs over. Gon was sitting in the other windowsill, eyes trained on the flat-gray sky. Kalluto set the cup by his knee and he startled slightly, turning around with wide eyes as if he hadn’t noticed Kalluto’s approach.

 

“Oh,” Gon said, noticing the tea. “You…thank you, Kalluto.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Kalluto dismissed, returning to sit on his windowsill.

 

He couldn’t see Gon’s face from here, divided as they were by the wall, but he heard his voice clearly as he said, “It’s not nothing. I appreciate it.”

 

“Whatever,” Kalluto muttered. 

 

His face felt too-warm, suddenly. Stupid Gon.

 

A minute later, Gon asked out of nowhere, “Did you have a bad dream too?”

 

Kalluto hadn’t been planning to chat, but regrettably he was now curious about what the too implied. A little conversation couldn't hurt…and the fact that he couldn’t see Gon’s face made it feel easier to reply.

 

“Yes,” he said. A pigeon-crow flew into view, and he tracked it with his eyes, watching as it landed on a streetlight. “I was back on the Dark Continent, in the cave with Illumi.”

 

“That’s rough,” came the reply. From anyone else, he might’ve taken it as blunt dismissal, but coming from Gon, it sounded entirely earnest and sympathetic. 

 

“What did you dream about?” Kalluto prodded.

 

A pause, and then; “I dreamed about the ant that killed Kite.”

 

The chimera ants had originated from the Dark Continent, he recalled. How ironic, that both of their worst memories were because of that place.

 

“I see,” he replied.

 

“Has Killua told you anything about what happened back then?”

 

“Of course not.”

 

He thought he heard a quiet sigh. “That makes sense. He probably avoids thinking about that time as much as I do.”

 

Dammit. Now Kalluto was even more curious. 

 

“Have you discussed the situation with him?”

 

“We’ve worked it out, yeah…I apologized, and life moved on. We’re all good now.” A pause. “Honestly, there probably wasn’t another way for us both to survive, but I still wish I’d gone about things differently. It was stupid, what I did…selfish, too.” Gon sighed, and there was a soft thump like he’d lightly hit his head against the wall. “I was such an idiot back then.”

 

Kalluto already knew the vague outline of the story, from what Illumi had told him; Gon and Killua were up against a nearly unbeatable enemy, and when Gon had defeated the enemy at great personal cost, Killua was left to pick up the pieces. 

 

So Kalluto knew the facts of what had happened, but it was interesting to hear Gon’s perspective on it. From the uneasy tone of his voice that carried an undercurrent of self-recrimination, it was clear that he meant every word he said. Kalluto was begrudgingly impressed; this was more serious self-reflection than he’d thought Gon was capable of. 

 

Kalluto had hated Gon for stealing Killua away from the family, but he’d also disliked the boy for his light-hearted, unserious perspective on life. Someone who didn’t take things seriously, who got himself into messy situations that forced Killua to clean up after him—his brother didn’t deserve to be with someone like that.

 

It seemed that Gon had changed, though. He appeared to have grown into a person who could take responsibility for his actions…even now, he was steadily working on recovering his Nen through careful meditation, without trying to take any shortcuts.

 

There was something Gon had said, about making a trade, that strangely reminded him of what Illumi had done. Not that Illumi had any real choice…he was dead either way.

 

Kalluto drained the rest of his tea as he pushed away the feeling of bitterness. “Regret is pointless,” he said. “You can’t change the past.”

 

“No,” Gon agreed. “But you can let it guide your actions in the future. That’s what I did.”

 

A quiet fell over them. The sun finally rose above the horizon, and golden-orange sunlight made its way through the gaps between buildings to cast patches of warmth on the walls of the apartment. Kalluto closed his eyes against the sudden brightness, so unlike what he used to. No morning light made it through the stone walls of Kukuroo mountain. 

 

“Everything with Illumi…” Gon said after a while, sounding thoughtful. “It actually reminds me a little of what happened with Kite.”

 

“Explain.”

 

“When Kite was killed, at first I didn’t realize he was dead. I guess I was in denial, but I really thought he was still alive. Even when I saw his body looking like a zombie, I still thought there was a way to save him. And then it turned out he’d been dead the whole time.” A pause. “Well, he’d actually been reborn as a little girl, but his original body was dead.”

 

“Illumi hasn’t been reborn as a little girl,” Kalluto pointed out, a vicious anger flaring unexpectedly in his chest. “He’s dead for real.”

 

“I know.” He could hear Gon’s frown in his voice. “I’m sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say…I know what it feels like to be so determined to save someone important to you, and then when you can’t it’s like—the whole world is wrong and nothing makes sense anymore.” There was a pause before he continued. “If you ever want to talk—”

 

“Fine,” Kalluto said curtly. “I get it.”

 

After another few minutes went by, his anger fizzled out. Left in its place was a kind of gratitude. It couldn’t have been easy for Gon to talk about something so personal with someone he barely knew, but he’d done it anyway in an attempt to help.

 

More than that, Gon had been eerily accurate in his description; what he’d said was a perfect description of how Kalluto had felt after remembering the truth. Somehow it was reassuring that there was someone else who understood that feeling, though he still wasn’t willing to think about what happened.

 

“Thanks,” he murmured. “One day, perhaps.”

 

“You’re part of the crew now, so we’ll have plenty more chances to talk in the future,” Gon replied, sounding significantly more cheerful than he’d been only seconds before. He was likely putting on a mask, but Kalluto wasn’t one to judge someone for doing so.

 

And also, what did he just say?

 

“I’m not part of the crew,” Kalluto replied.

 

Gon leaned way over to look at him, his expression puzzled. “You definitely are, though. I mean, you live here now. And all of you are getting along so well! I’m really glad Killua finally reached out to you.”

 

“I don’t live here, I’m visiting,” Kalluto reminded him—wasn’t that clear? “Killua may have warmed up to me a little, but I still have to go home at some point. This is only temporary.”

 

Gon’s puzzled face turned into a frown. “What? No.”

 

“I can’t leave the family.” Kalluto couldn’t believe he was even entertaining this idiot’s nonsense. The lack of sleep must be getting to him. “They need me now more than ever. Not to mention, someone has to be the heir, and it isn’t going to be Milluki.”

 

That was what Kalluto was for, wasn’t it? He was meant to be an almost-invisible crutch, silently supporting the family. So he couldn’t just abandon his post—-he was needed there.

 

“None of that matters,” Gon said loudly, bringing him out of his thoughts. The boy was fully off the windowsill now, standing tall and staring at Kalluto with burning eyes. It felt like a spotlight was shining on him, and Kalluto wanted to run, except he couldn’t move. “Kalluto. What do you want?”

 

A full night's sleep, for starters.

 

“I don’t know,” Kalluto said truthfully. His hands tightened around his empty mug, the solidity of the ceramic grounding. “I’ve never thought about it before.”

 

Gon sighed, and the fire in his eyes died down to embers. 

 

“Right.” Gon took a step back. “I didn’t mean to push, sorry. I just—I see Killua in you. A few years ago, he had no clue what he wanted to do with his life, all thanks to your family pushing him so hard to be an assassin. It’s not right!” He took a deep breath, and calmed down. “All I want is for you to be able to decide your own path in life, and Killua wants that too.”

 

Kalluto couldn’t understand the conviction in Gon’s voice. Well, he knew why Gon cared when it came to Killua, but why was he so invested in Kalluto?

 

“Why do you care so much?” He couldn’t help asking. “You hardly know me.”

 

“I love Killua, and he loves you, so that makes you important to me.” Gon paused, smiling a little as if he’d said nothing of importance. “And I’ve liked getting to know you better, too.”

 

It felt somehow like Gon was winning this debate, but he needed to press on regardless.

 

“Still, I don’t want to overstay my welcome here. Even without considering the rest of our family, there’s no chance Killua wants me to stay here forever.”

 

Gon considered him for a long moment. “Hold that thought,” he said, and then whirled around just to start sprinting down the hallway. “Killluaaaaa!” 

 

“What the fuck,” Kalluto said softly to himself.

 

What is he doing? He’ll wake both of them up at this rate, and they usually sleep in for at least an hour past sunrise.

 

A few minutes later, Gon returned, dragging a stumbling, half-asleep Killua by the hand. Alluka trailed behind them, rubbing at her eyes. Both were still in their sleep clothes.

 

“Gon, what the fuck,” Killua muttered, dropping his head to rest on Gon’s shoulder. “Why’d you wake me up…too fuckin early…”

 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Gon said, patting his head gently like he was calming a horse. “You can go back to sleep for a minute. I’m making you both some hot cocoa, doesn’t that sound good?”

 

Killua perked up momentarily, before slumping back down again. “Mm…alright.”

 

“Yes,” Alluka cheered softly, pumping her fist as she climbed onto one of the kitchen stools. “I love your hot cocoa, it’s the best.”

 

“Thank you, Alluka,” Gon replied with a grin. Turning to Kalluto, he said, “Do you want to try some?”

 

Kalluto wasn’t usually a fan of sweet drinks, but he was disoriented enough that he replied, “sure,” almost automatically. He felt almost like he was dreaming.

 

Gon just nodded and went to work, seeming unbothered by how Killua was still leaning heavily on his side like some kind of human blanket.

 

They gathered in the living room once the cocoa was done, Gon and Killua claiming the couch while Alluka sat on the floor by the coffee table. Kalluto, after a moment’s hesitation, sat in the red armchair that Alluka usually hogged all the time. It was as comfortable as he’d suspected it would be, despite its somewhat ragged appearance.

 

“You may be wondering why I’ve gathered us here today,” Gon began.

 

“It’s still too early for this, Gon,” Killua grumbled. “At least let us drink some cocoa first.”

 

“Okay, okay.”

 

Upon trying the hot cocoa, Kalluto found it to be shockingly good. While the chocolate flavor was rich, the drink wasn’t overly sweet, and a hint of cinnamon added some complexity. 

 

His mug was the only one without marshmallows, he noticed after a minute. Killua’s mug was full of them, a ridiculous heaping pile, while Alluka had just three. And Gon didn’t even have any hot cocoa; he’d only made it for them, apparently. 

 

Gon cleared his throat, starting again. “You may be wondering why I've called this family meeting…I know it’s early, sorry about that.”

 

Seeming more awake now, Killua just waved a hand at him to continue.

 

“I was talking with Kalluto earlier and he thinks he’s going to overstay his welcome here.”

 

What the hell, Gon?

 

“I told you that in confidence,” Kalluto said, glaring at him.

 

Gon raised his hands. “Sorry!” He said, not sounding very sorry at all. “But this is important.”

 

Killua sat up straighter, fixing Kalluto with a serious look that made him wish he could turn invisible to escape it. “Be honest,” he ordered. “Do you want to go home?”

 

What was it with everyone asking him what he wanted all of a sudden?

 

Kalluto meant to say, I don’t know. Somehow what came out was, “Not really.”

 

Shit!

 

Killua nodded, seeming unsurprised, and another emotion too…was that relief on his face?

 

“Okay,” he said. “Then don’t.”

 

Kalluto stared at him silently for half a minute. Had Killua’s time away from the family made him forget how things worked? Evidently so.

“Are you daft? It’s not that easy. I’m not like Alluka—they won’t be perfectly fine with you stealing me away.” 

 

He felt a little bad after saying it, though they all knew how it was, and gave Alluka an apologetic glance. She returned it with a thumbs-up, still sipping her cocoa unconcernedly. 

 

“You think I don’t know that?” Killua said, raising an eyebrow. “They kicked up a whole fuss when I left, and I’m sure their reaction would’ve been even worse if not for the fucking needle…I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I can’t really predict what Silva’s gonna do this time, to be honest with you, not after—” he cut himself off, but they all knew what he’d been about to say.

 

“Anyway,” Killua continued, quieter. “Our family will be annoying about it, but if staying here with us is what you want, then that’s worth fighting for.”

 

“...Are you sure you’re not just offering out of spite?” 

 

His brother flashed a smile. “Well, maybe a little…imagine if the last kid at home was Milluki. They’re gonna start bothering him to be the heir, I guess.”

 

Kalluto almost laughed at the mental image, but his amusement faded quickly. Even if what Killua was saying aligned with how he’d acted over the past few weeks, there was still something Kalluto couldn’t understand.

 

“I always thought you hated me,” he admitted.

 

“Really?” He wasn’t sure why Killua sounded so surprised. “But I told you in the tent that I don’t dislike you.”

 

Alluka winced. “That’s an awful way to phrase it, Killua.”

 

“Go away,” Killua said without looking at her, waving a hand. “You too, Gon. This conversation doesn’t need an audience.”

 

“We’ll take a walk around the block,” Gon agreed, getting to his feet. “Let’s go, Alluka!”

 

Kalluto couldn’t help feeling unnerved after they left. It was strange to be alone in the apartment with Killua, and he had no idea what to say. Worse, he couldn’t read the energy in the room, but there was an odd tension.

 

The longer the silence drew on, the more the uncertainty grated on his nerves, until he had to ask. “Are you going to punish me or something?”

 

Killua gaped at him. “What? No. Why would I even—fuck. No. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

Kalluto wished he hadn’t said anything. “Then why did you tell them to leave?”

 

His brother dithered for another minute longer, tapping uselessly at the floor as he looked at the ceiling, until he finally spoke.

 

“Because it’s hard enough to admit this to you. Agh, this is so embarrassing…” he seemed to be talking to himself, but then he shook his head resolutely. “I never disliked you, Kalluto. I was actually…I was jealous of you. Okay?”

 

Killua…had been jealous of him?

 

“Why?”

 

The words Killua said next sounded almost like they were being dragged from him unwillingly, and he couldn’t quite meet Kalluto’s eyes anymore. 

 

“It’s just…they gave you a lot more slack on the leash. Because of everything they expected from me, I never got a break. I’m not saying I had it the worst or anything—they locked Alluka in the basement, for fuck’s sake. None of us had it easy, but they stuck a mind-control needle in my head, while you got to run off and do whatever the hell you wanted. It wasn’t fair!”

 

Killua took a breath. When he continued, he was quieter, but a seething anger was obvious in his voice. “You joined the Troupe when you were what, ten? I never would’ve been allowed that much freedom, they always kept tabs on me somehow. Illumi dragged me home from the fucking Hunter Exam, and that’s a walk in the park compared to joining the Troupe.”

 

“You did stab mom and Milluki when you ran away,” he pointed out. “And I asked Silva for permission before joining the Spiders.”

 

“That doesn’t matter,” Killua dismissed, shaking his head. “Don’t you get it? Even if I’d asked for permission to take the exam, they wouldn’t have let me. Or if they did, Illumi would’ve still ensured I failed. It—everything I did was monitored and controlled. I still don’t know how much the needle—whatever.”

 

Killua sighed. “Point is, they treated us very differently, especially Illumi. He was a different brother for me than he was for you…sometimes it felt like he made it his life’s goal to constantly harass me. He wasn’t like that with you. So. That’s why I was jealous.”

 

At last, Killua fell silent. Kalluto wasn’t sure what to say in response, or if Killua even wanted a response. They kept you on a tighter leash because they didn’t trust you to come back, was one of his first thoughts, but it sounded combative even to him. He didn’t want to start a fight.

 

Kalluto slid his gaze to the far wall, and for the first time he attempted to look at their family from Killua’s perspective.

 

It was true that Silva and Illumi had put more attention into monitoring Killua’s movements when they were younger, and Killua was likely correct in his assumption that he wouldn’t have been allowed to join the Spiders. Their family viewed Killua as volatile, overly emotional and disinclined to follow orders, and therefore in need of closer guidance. 

 

As another example of that; Kalluto had begun learning Nen when he was nine, while Killua had been kept in the dark. Their family hadn’t trusted Killua to obey, so it was deemed too risky to teach him Nen. 

 

That was solid reasoning on the surface, but when would they have taught him? Waiting too long would put Killua at greater risk and increase the chances he’d learn it on his own from an outside teacher—which he had in the end. 

 

Or was it Illumi’s needle that had made them so reluctant to teach him? Kalluto wasn’t sure when it had first been implanted, but Killua had discovered it after knowing Nen for only a little over a year. It would make sense if they hadn’t wanted him to break its control so early—after all, Killua had stolen Alluka away not long after removing it. 

 

Kalluto had always been aware that their family treated them differently, but he’d never begrudged them for it. On the contrary, it made sense. Killua was the heir, so naturally they’d place a greater importance on his training. 

 

He’d always seen himself as more of an afterthought than anything. He was an obedient son, an untainted child to make up for the failure of Alluka, and ultimately an extra. A spare, just in case Killua were to fuck up so badly he needed to be replaced.

 

Kalluto knew his family valued him, but he also knew they valued Killua more. That was just how things were.

 

Ignoring the familiar burn in his chest, he returned his thoughts to the topic on hand.

 

Killua also saw the difference in how they were treated, but he saw it as unfair. More specifically, he objected to Illumi’s treatment of him. 

 

“You hated the extra attention that much?” Kalluto asked the question before he could think better of it.

 

Whoops. Probably shouldn’t have worded it like that…

 

A flash of anger crossed Killua’s face, but then he just sighed, seeming tired. “Not all attention is good. Are you even listening to me?”

 

Kalluto looked away again, feeling abashed. “I am. Just give me a minute to think.”

 

“...Great. I’ll tell them to do another loop around the block,” Killua muttered.

 

Kalluto always knew that Illumi had loved Killua best.

 

Ever since they were young, Illumi had doted on Killua, giving him extra training and extra care. While Kalluto had never felt neglected by their older brother, he’d always been aware that Illumi would never chase after him the way he chased after Killua. There was something in Killua that Kalluto lacked, and he couldn’t do anything to change that.

 

Kalluto didn’t think he’d been jealous, but at the same time he’d always imagined it would feel good to be the center of Illumi’s attention in that way. Like how he enjoyed the fussing of their mother, who wasn’t subtle in how she favored him. Wasn’t it nice to be loved so completely?

 

Illumi was like their mother, in some ways. Always watching, and always trying to ensure their safety. Whenever they’d taken on missions together, and on the Dark Continent expedition, Illumi’s presence had consistently been reassuring, a protection from outside threats. Back then Illumi had been like a safety line, something that tethered him to home and kept him alive. He’d depended on their older brother, so it was hard to picture Illumi as someone to be avoided at all costs…but Killua was very different from him

 

A safety tether, for someone who wanted to escape, was little more than a leash. For Killua, Illumi’s love might’ve felt like a chain around his neck.

 

It was an uncomfortable thought. Kalluto couldn’t help feeling like he was betraying their family by even thinking such a thing; but with his new understanding of Killua, he couldn’t deny it made sense.

 

Still, Zoldycks were not meant to reject the blood that bound them together. They were not meant to run away…they aren’t supposed to take breaks, either, and yet here you are.

 

Kalluto could hardly be mad at his siblings for leaving home, not after he’d deserted his post, temporary or not.

 

By now he could even understand why they’d left. Was it fair to expect Alluka to tolerate her solitary existence in the basement? And why would Killua allow them to treat her that way, if he had the power to change it?

 

Ironically, Killua might be more amenable to coming home if only their family had treated Alluka more fairly. They’d truly messed up in that aspect.

 

Maybe our family was wrong in how they’ve treated some of us. How would I feel, in Killua’s place? It’s difficult to imagine, but I don’t think I’d be happy with them either.

 

“Hey, Kalluto,” Killua said loudly, startling him out of his thoughts. “You’ve been thinking for like, an hour. Everything good in that noggin of yours?”

 

It took him another half a minute just to decide on a response. He wouldn’t say everything he was thinking now. There was too much that he was still undecided on, his head a mess of half-baked thoughts in terrible need of more consideration. 

 

“It was a lot to think about,” he said eventually. “But I believe I get it now. Illumi was overbearing to you.”

 

There were other words, probably, but he didn’t know what would fit best. Oppressive? Unfair? To Killua, Illumi probably fit both of those descriptions, but that wasn’t how Kalluto had known him. Protective. Strong. Safe. It was difficult to reconcile all of Illumi’s disparate traits. 

 

Killua eased out a sigh, and smiled at him. It was a tired expression. 

 

“Sure, that about sums it up.” Killua’s phone buzzed then. As he checked it, his weak smile turned into something more real. “One sec, it’s Gon…” after typing for a few moments, he put the phone away again and looked back up. “But I still owe you an apology…I’m sorry.”

 

Kalluto blinked, having not expected that. “For what? I know you don’t hate me now.”

 

“Yeah, but that never should’ve been in doubt. I took my emotions out on you and that wasn’t fair of me, even if I didn’t mean to. So…sorry. I’ll try to be more clear with communication in the future.”

 

Oh.

 

Kalluto wasn’t used to receiving an apology from a family member, and he honestly wasn’t sure what to say in response to such a genuine one.

 

“Thanks…” he said quietly.

 

A slightly awkward silence descended upon them, though it wasn’t long before the apartment door burst open, Gon and Alluka spilling inside. 

 

“We’re back!” Gon announced unnecessarily. “What did we miss?”

 

“You guys didn’t get in a fight, did you?” Alluka added, looking between them suspiciously. 

 

“Of course not,” Killua said, seeming offended. “We just talked.”

 

“That was a long talk.”

 

“Well, Kalluto also stared into space for ages with this blank expression. It was honestly super creepy.” Before Kalluto could defend himself, Killua spoke again. “Anyway, if I’m being honest, I also got preoccupied with Alluka—but it’s not like I meant to ignore you. I just figured…well, nobody in the family was trying to kill you, and you’ve always been a sensible kid, so I decided you were probably fine.”

 

“That’s a really low bar, Killua,” Alluka said, shaking her head. “Also, are you just not going to tell us what the main thing is? I’m dying to know!”

 

“I never claimed to be well-adjusted,” Killua shot back. “And no. Perish.”

 

Alluka stuck her tongue out sullenly but subsided without making a fuss.

 

“Hey, you’ve come a long way,” Gon said, patting Killua’s shoulder in reassurance. “I don’t think you could’ve been this emotionally honest a year ago. I’m proud of you!”

 

Killua waved it off, though the redness of his ears betrayed him. “Blame Alluka. She forces me to talk about feelings all the time.”

 

“You should be thanking me,” she said primly.

 

“I’m very grateful.”

 

Kalluto had somewhat lost the plot by now.

 

It felt like his whole world had shifted slightly. Killua didn’t dislike him, and never had; he’d left for other reasons. Not only that, Killua’s actions implied he even liked Kalluto, or at the very least didn’t mind his company.

 

Perhaps I should ask him, just to be sure.

 

“Do you actually like me?” Kalluto asked, before he could think better of it. 

 

Killua stared at him, seeming bemused. “Yeah? I know we haven’t talked much yet, but it’s been nice getting to know you better. So…you gonna stay with us, or what?”

 

For some annoying reason, Kalluto’s throat felt strange, like he was going to cry. It took some time for him to gather himself enough to form a reply. 

 

“You really want me to?” He said weakly.

 

Killua nodded. 

 

“As long as you’re cool with it. Look, I know this probably feels out of nowhere to you, since you apparently thought I hated you until like twenty minutes ago. But you should know—even when I was traveling solo with Alluka, I’d wonder about how you were doing sometimes. It seemed like you were happy living with our family, I wasn’t going to mess with that, but I was always willing to take you in if that were to change.” 

 

While he was still processing that little bombshell, Alluka decided to add fuel to the fire.

 

“I want you to stay, too! It’s fun hanging out with you, Kallu.”

 

Kalluto had simply never imagined that this was a possibility, that he might be welcome to stay here and live alongside these siblings who had always been out of his reach.

 

He used to see Killua and Alluka as traitors for abandoning the family, but he’d been deceiving himself. Kalluto had only felt betrayed because it felt like they’d abandoned him.

 

All those years trying to be selfless and only think of the family, and in the end he couldn't even save Illumi. What was it all for? 

 

I’m so tired of living that way. 

 

Even though it went against everything he’d been taught, he was starting to suspect there wasn’t anything wrong with choosing your own path in life. Maybe it was okay to be a little selfish. He’d done everything right before, and it had gotten him nowhere.

 

Hypocrite that he was for thinking this, Kalluto didn’t want to sacrifice his life for their family the same way Illumi had. He didn’t want to die for anyone. He wanted to live. He wanted to stay with these siblings for longer, and actually get to know who they were as people.

 

He…didn’t know what else he wanted yet, but he had time to figure that out.

 

“Kalluto, are you staying here?”

 

Gon’s voice broke into his thoughts, and he blinked. Right beside Gon, his siblings were both staring at him with their stupid big blue eyes, wearing near-identical expressions that spoke of cautious hope.

 

“Yes,” Kalluto said, and somehow just saying the word made an invisible tension ease out of his spine. For the first time since he’d arrived here, he could truly relax, now that he wasn’t just waiting to leave.

 

“Hell yeah!” Alluka cheered, pumping her fists. “I’m so happy. Finally, I won’t be the youngest anymore.”

 

Kalluto blinked at her, bemused. “That’s why you wanted me to stay?”

 

“I’m joking,” Alluka said quickly. “Mostly. I mean, I’ve always wanted to know you better, Kallu. I just thought that you didn’t want to know me.”

 

His complicated feelings regarding Nanika aside, ever since they started living together he’d grown to like Alluka more by the day. Hearing her say that made something inside him twist  painfully, a thorn pulling at his chest.

 

“I didn’t, initially,” he admitted, looking down. “But in hindsight, I was a fool to dismiss you so carelessly. I was…jealous of your bond with Killua, and so I adopted the family’s view on you without questioning it.”

 

“Yeah, that’s about what I figured,” Alluka said, nodding. She genuinely didn’t seem hurt, which eased his guilt somewhat. “But it’s all in the past now, so don’t worry about it.”

 

Kalluto wanted to thank her, but he couldn’t find the words. He just nodded back, hoping she could see how much he appreciated her gentle understanding. 

 

Killua yawned loudly. “Okayyyy…now that we’ve got that all sorted out, let’s make breakfast. I’m starved.”

 

As they all moved to the kitchen, Kalluto was struck by a horrible thought. 

 

“All of my things…they’re still there.”

 

He had nothing but his funeral clothes and what had been in his pockets at the time, which luckily included his favorite fan. This whole time he’d been mostly borrowing Alluka’s clothing, as they were the closest in size and shared some overlap in style. But now that he was staying for good, he definitely would need his own clothes.

 

“If you want, we can go back and grab them,” Killua offered.

 

Kalluto shook his head instantly. “I’m concerned they’ll persuade me to stay.”

 

If Kikyo asked him to…he’s not sure he would have the strength to refuse.

 

“Damn,” Killua muttered. “Good point. We’ll keep our distance for now.”

 

“Ah, you know what that means?” Alluka’s grin was almost terrifyingly wide as she bounced on her toes. “Time for a massive shopping trip!”

 

“It has been a while since we’ve gone clothes shopping,” Killua said, a too-eager gleam in his eyes. “Excellent idea, Alluka.”

 

“I’ll be stuck carrying all the bags again, won’t I,” Gon sighed, gently resigned.

 

Killua just smirked, while Alluka patted his back. “We appreciate your service!”

 

Kalluto let himself tune out, leaning against the counter as Gon started cooking breakfast for everyone. That was another thing he liked about living here, actually. Whenever he was tired or didn’t feel like talking, he’d simply disengage, and nobody ever minded.

 

Everything about this place was so different from Kukuroo mountain…even the air felt alive and warm. And physically warmer too, because sunlight was able to enter through the windows. There were so many differences, he couldn’t articulate them all if he tried. 

 

All he knew was that this was somewhere better than anywhere else he’d been.

 

 

 

Notes:

I’ve tricked myself into enjoying the Kalluto & Gon dynamic when they don’t even interact in canon…help. I need these freaks to meet so badly now.

It was very satisfying to write Killua & Kalluto having that overdue conversation. And challenging, considering how unclear their relationship is in canon. There are a lot of different angles you could take but I like the one I ended up with.

As always, thanks for reading! Next week: more sibling content (shocking, I know).

Chapter 5: do you ever regret surviving?

A little over a week after they’d all convinced Kalluto to stay, Gon was preparing to go visit his family on Whale Island. It was only when he cheerfully declared that he’d be back in a week that Kalluto finally connected the dots.

 

“You truly live here,” he said flatly.

 

Gon blinked at him in surprise. “Ah, yes? I thought that was obvious.”

“Alluka told me you were staying here as a temporary guest,” he shot her a look, and she smiled innocently in response.

 

“Technically, it was temporary at the time,” Alluka elaborated. “He officially moved in just a few days after you did.”

 

The way she said it made him suspect Gon had ‘unofficially’ been living here for quite a bit longer, but that didn’t matter. There was something more important than that.

 

“Do you pay rent?” Kalluto asked, turning on Gon with a glare.

 

“Of course I do!” Gon answered, seeming rightfully indignant. “I’ve got a job, you know. I’m not going to not contribute.”

 

“You work?”

 

Gon nodded. “Part time for an animal shelter, along with the occasional Hunter job.”

 

That checks out…but something about this situation is too unsettling.

 

“You can’t just be living together like this,” Kalluto said, looking between his brother and Gon. “You’re both still teenagers.”

 

Gon stuck out his tongue, which did nothing to prove his maturity. “So are you!”

 

“Anyway, who cares,” Killua added. “We basically lived together when we were twelve for like, a year…and we’ve definitely matured since then.”

 

“Killua used to leave his clothes lying around everywhere,” Gon said impishly. “All over the room! And he would also take super long showers, like hour long—”

 

Killua shut him up by slapping a hand over his mouth. “As if you can talk, idiot! Remember how you would always manage to track mud all over the room? I felt bad for the poor hotel workers who had to clean up after you!”

 

After another second, Killua yanked his hand away, looking disgusted. “Did you just lick me?”

 

Gon only grinned in response, and then the two of them were brawling, rolling all over the floor in a most undignified manner.

 

“Great, they’re being gross again,” Alluka sighed, propping her chin in her hand as she watched with a tired expression. 

 

Kalluto didn’t quite understand. “Is this…some kind of flirting?”

 

“It’s not!” That was Killua, who apparently had been listening to their conversation even as he was trying to pin Gon to the ground. “It’s me teaching this little shit a lesson!”

 

“Hey, Gon,” Alluka said loudly, ignoring him. “When does your ferry leave?”

 

Gon frowned. “Uh…10:00? Wait, what time—” In his distraction, he didn’t move quickly enough, and in the next moment Killua was solidly sitting on him. 

 

“Ha! I win.”

 

“It’s 9:00 now,” Kalluto informed them.

 

Gon’s eyes went wide. “I only have an hour!”

 

“Well, shit.” Killua immediately slid off, and offered Gon a hand up. “I’m assuming you’re all packed—hey! Slow down, moron, you’ll slip!”

 

From the speed with which Gon was running down the hallway, Kalluto assumed he was not already packed. 

 

“Why wouldn’t he pack earlier in the morning?” Kalluto wondered. “Even by his standards, this is astronomically stupid.”

 

“My fault, probably,” Killua admitted, rubbing his neck. “I distracted him.”

 

Kalluto chose not to consider what that could mean. “And you claim to be more mature than you were as children.”

 

“Actually, in the eyes of the law, we’re adults,” Killua said. “We’re both Hunters—if you get your license, it doesn’t matter how old you are. Anyone who can survive that exam is easily qualified to live on their own.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“How do you think we’ve been renting this apartment?” Killua said slowly. “We can pretty much do whatever we want…I’m surprised you didn't know that.”

 

Of course Kalluto had known there were benefits to becoming a Hunter, but he hadn’t realized how it could benefit minors specifically. 

 

Maybe I should…

 

“You should seriously consider taking next year’s exam,” Killua said, like he could read his mind. “Becoming a Hunter is super easy, and it opens up a lot of opportunities.”

 

“...I’ll consider it.”

 

Gon came rushing back into view, dragging a rolling suitcase with one hand. He grabbed Alluka in a hug that was easily returned, and then unexpectedly offered one to Kalluto.

 

After a moment, he accepted a quick side-hug.

 

“Bye Alluka, bye Kalluto!” Gon said in a rush. “See you in a week. Make sure to look after Killua while I’m gone!”

 

“Idiot, I don’t need—” Killua’s words were cut off as Gon embraced him with what looked like violent force.

 

“Love you,” Gon said, and then—

 

Ew ew ew.

 

Kalluto looked at the ceiling for a few seconds, until he heard Killua say, “You’ll miss your ferry! Get out of here!”

 

“Okay, okay!” Gon ran over to the door, except then he paused, looking back expectantly.

 

“Love you too,” Killua mumbled, his face turning bright red.

 

Gon grinned widely and with one last wave, he departed.

 

“He’s really got you trained,” Alluka observed, watching their brother with amusement.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“So grumpy…I bet you’re missing him already.”

 

“I’m going to my room. Goodbye.”

 

Killua quickly retreated, leaving the two of them blessedly alone. And yet Kalluto feared he would never forget the horrid image burned behind his eyes.

 

“How have you survived living with them all this time?”

 

Alluka shrugged. “It’s really not too bad. A lot better than being locked in the basement, at least.” As Kalluto stared at her blankly, having no idea what to say, she laughed. “It’s a joke.”

 

“I know.” He just wasn’t sure how she could joke about that.

 

“They’re actually pretty chill with the PDA, so I can let the occasional kiss slide,” Alluka explained. “And honestly, that’s just something that happens sometimes when you’re living with other people…I remember this one time I caught our parents kissing.”

 

“You—what?”

 

Alluka nodded serenely. “They didn’t know I was there, obviously. It was gross!”

 

And now he had another unwanted image in his head. “Did you need to say that?”

 

“Haha, sorry!”

 

Alluka managed to drag him into making cookies with her after that, which quickly earned his forgiveness—as if to make up for her subpar cooking skills, Alluka’s baking was excellent. Predictably, Killua emerged from his room at the smell wafting out of the oven, and wolfed down half the tray on his own before disappearing again.

 

Dinner that night was strange.

 

The table was unusually quiet without Gon’s presence. Alluka talked more than usual as if to make up for it, but Killua hardly talked at all; he seemed to be sulking. The food was also…not very good. Gon was the regular cook of the household, something Kalluto had come to take for granted. Alluka and Killua together were able to throw together a watery soup, but they were all in silent agreement that it wasn’t half as good as anything Gon could have made. 

 

And Gon would’ve cleaned up after himself as he cooked, Kalluto reflected as he scrubbed at the mess left behind on the countertops. He didn’t usually mind doing the dishes after meals, but the kitchen was quite frankly a disaster.

 

At least now I know that Gon certainly isn’t a freeloader, he thought as he settled down to sleep. Perhaps I should ask him for cooking lessons in the future. I definitely don’t want to emulate my siblings when it comes to that skill…

 

…

 

When did it get so dark?

 

Something had changed. It took him a minute to realize what it was: around him, the darkness was alive, a writhing mass of serpentine vines. The dim light was just enough that he could tell he was surrounded on all sides. Though the vines weren’t coming closer—yet—he remained trapped.

 

A different kind of light appeared deep within the vines, catching his attention. Two glowing green dots—no, eyes.

 

The eyes came closer, and as they approached he was able to see the body attached to them. It was Illumi; of course it was him. In a small act of mercy, the vines had returned him, but they hadn’t left him the same.

 

Illumi looked at him without any acknowledgment. 

 

Kalluto tried speaking anyway. “Illumi,” he said. His brother was silent. “I’m sorry.”

 

Illumi stared blankly, his eyes flat and dull: doll’s eyes.

 

“Say something,” Kalluto pleaded. “Aren’t you angry at me?”

 

At last, Illumi moved, his hand slowly reaching out. Kalluto held still, prepared for any kind of punishment, but all Illumi did was hold out his hand right in front of him, palm-up. Resting on his hand was a pin. No: a thorn.

 

Carefully, Kalluto took it. While the object was clearly a thorn, it looked to be made of some golden metal, reminding him of the man-made thorn on Milluki’s compass.

 

“Thank you,” he said, squeezing it tightly in his hand. He thought he saw a flash of familiarity in Illumi’s unnaturally green eyes, and his heart leapt with hope. “Illumi, are you there?”

 

Illumi opened his mouth to speak, and out of it came vines—

 

Kalluto snapped back to consciousness, his heart pounding like he’d been running for his life. He sat up, and for a while he only stared blankly out the window. The sky was totally dark, still the dead of night, but as his eyes adjusted, he could eventually see well enough thanks to the dull orange glow coming in from a streetlight.

 

Eventually he became aware of a stinging sensation in the palm of his hand. Looking down, he opened his hand, exposing a dark liquid. Blood…from the thorn? But that was only a dream, wasn’t it? Wait, there’s something else there.

 

A glinting golden needle nestled in his palm—one that he’d recognize anywhere. The very same one that had been inside him, unknowingly, for months. He must’ve grabbed it from the nightstand in his sleep and cut himself.

 

Silently, he slipped out of his room. He went to the bathroom first to clean up his hand, and then he left the apartment, having just enough presence of mind to grab his keys from his room before heading out the door.

 

There were no thoughts in his mind as he walked up the single flight of stairs to the roof, but he was surprised when he pushed the door open to a few inches of fresh snow. It hadn’t been obvious from his room, though admittedly he hadn’t been paying much attention to anything.

 

As Kalluto made his way to the edge of the roof, he drew up short in surprise.

 

Killua was already sitting on the sloped ledge that overlooked the street, legs dangling over the edge as he gazed out at the city skyline. Or he had been—now he was looking over his shoulder, having noticed Kalluto’s approach.

 

Kalluto hovered awkwardly, unsure if his presence was welcome here. He hadn’t been expecting to find his brother in the same place he’d been about to sit.

 

After another moment, Killua motioned for him to come closer, which he took as permission to join him on the ledge. Still, Kalluto kept a careful distance between them after jumping up, and kept his eyes firmly on the skyline to avoid looking at his brother.

 

It was Killua who broke the silence after a few minutes of this.

 

“I never sleep as well when Gon’s not around,” he said in short explanation. As if to combat the vulnerability of that statement, he instantly asked, “Did you dream about him?”

 

They both knew Killua wasn’t referring to Gon.

 

In answer, Kalluto silently reached out to show Killua the needle he was still holding onto; he’d only set it down for as long as it took to wipe away the blood. He held the needle with a careful reverence. It had manipulated his mind for months; and it was the last thing he had left of his brother. The last gift that Illumi would ever give him.

 

Killua’s mouth twisted as he looked from the needle back to Kalluto. “Are you going to hold onto that thing forever?”

 

He knew he was being overly sentimental, but he couldn’t help it.

 

“Why not? It’s a good reminder.”

 

Ironically, Illumi would probably want him to toss it too. He’d never cared for sentimentality, and he would likely tell Kalluto to forget about him if he could, and move on.

 

Too bad. I refuse.

 

“A reminder of what?” Killua asked.

 

A reminder that Illumi had loved him enough to not only sacrifice himself, but to make Kalluto forget it ever happened. A reminder that he hadn’t been second-best in Illumi’s eyes, that he’d mattered enough to go to so much trouble.

 

Kalluto wouldn’t say any of that, but then he didn’t really need to. He only shrugged, trusting that Killua would understand what he meant.

 

Killua looked away, glaring up at the purple-orangey darkness of the sky, stars hidden behind a thick layer of clouds and light pollution. Quiet fell over them like a second blanket of snow.

 

Kalluto thought their conversation was finished, until Killua finally spoke again.

 

“It’s funny…I have no clue where my needle ended up. I guess it’s somewhere in the woods in the Republic of Rokario. After ripping it out, I just tossed it—and now this part of me wishes I’d held onto it.” He smiled humorlessly. “Isn’t that fucking weird? I hated that thing.”

 

“I don’t think it is,” Kalluto replied.

 

His brother snorted, finally looking back at him. 

 

“Of course you wouldn’t…it’s stupid. I resented him for the needle for so long, and now I can’t give a single shit about it. I can’t even hate him as much anymore. Leave it to Illumi to go out doing something stupid and noble.” The way he said it, their brother’s name was like a curse. Kalluto was fairly sure those were tears in his eyes as he glared down at the roof without blinking. “That dumb fucking bastard…”

 

“He was quite stupid,” Kalluto agreed, and Killua’s head snapped up to stare at him in shock. “When I told him not to sacrifice himself, he wouldn’t even consider it for a second. I don’t think he realized how important he was to us.”

 

Killua was quiet for a while after that as he pulled himself together. “Illumi was an idiot, but he did the right thing. Both of you would’ve died, otherwise.”

 

Kalluto was logically aware that there hadn’t been another way for him to survive in that scenario. Still, there was a part of him that felt like his survival was wrong. If they’d gone out fighting together, at least then Illumi wouldn’t have died alone.

 

At least then, he wouldn’t have to live with the never-ending guilt.

 

If he’d died then, Kalluto wouldn’t have ever known Killua didn’t hate him. He never would’ve gotten another chance to know his brother; he would’ve died without knowing he had a sister, and without ever appreciating the lovely person that she was. 

 

Kalluto was glad to be alive. He hadn’t been ready for everything to end. And yet his life felt heavier now that he knew the terrible price that had been paid for it. He’d probably carry that choking weight for as long as he lived, and he wondered if it would ever get any easier.

 

“Kalluto. Do you ever regret surviving?”

 

Killua was watching him with a rather serious expression, as if he’d been reading Kalluto’s mind somehow. Seeing him like this, it was hard to believe that Kalluto had ever doubted his brother’s care. It turned out Killua was easy to read once you trusted him for his word.

 

“No,” he answered truthfully. “I’m grateful to still be alive.”

 

“Good. You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything—none of it was your choice.”

 

All thanks to the needle…not only had Illumi saved his life, he’d also tried to save Kalluto from feeling any guilt or responsibility for how it had ended. 

 

Thinking about it all made Kalluto deeply tired. Perhaps he should attempt going back to sleep, as impossible as that seemed.

 

“Let’s go back to bed,” he told his brother.

 

“I don’t think I can sleep more tonight,” Killua admitted.

 

Kalluto hopped down from the ledge. “I’m not sure I can, either, but we should at least make an attempt. I could fix us some tea, as well.”

 

“...Okay.” Killua slid down and took the lead to the door. “Cold as hell out here, anyway.”

 

In the kitchen, Kalluto went through the motions of starting water and getting out mugs, keeping his movements perfectly silent so as not to risk waking Alluka. Though his care was most likely unnecessary; unlike the rest of their family, their sister was a heavy sleeper.

 

Once the tea was ready, Killua walked over to the couch, and Kalluto followed him. Killua only took a small sip of tea before setting his mug down, focusing his attention on his laptop.

 

“Is it badly steeped?” Kalluto thought the tea tasted fine.

 

“No, no, it’s good,” Killua said hastily. “It’s—I try not to wake up Gon the times I can’t sleep, but sometimes it happens anyway. He always makes me hot chocolate…it’s good tea. I’m just spoiled.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“And there’s this other thing we do when neither of us can sleep,” Killua added. “Unfortunately for you, Gon isn’t here, so you’ll have to be his replacement.”

 

Kalluto blinked, unsure how to interpret his brother’s slightly-evil smile.

 

“Okay? What is it?”

 

Killua placed a thick pillow on the coffee table in front of them, and then balanced the computer on top of it. The screen displayed what looked to be a streaming site, and the banner at the top read Hunting for Your Dreams!

 

“It’s a Hunter-exclusive website,” his brother explained, looking smug. “But you get a family pass. Speaking of, you and Alluka should take the next exam together.”

 

That wasn’t a bad idea, he didn’t think, but he was also too tired to consider it right now.

 

“Perhaps. What kind of shows does this site have?”

 

“Oh, all sorts. Rock hunting, treasure hunting, survival challenges, reality dating…but this is what we’ve been into lately.” He clicked on a show in the ‘watched recently’ section, and it filled the screen with an image of several impressive-looking cakes.

 

Make It or Bake It: The Ultimate Baking Showdown.

 

A baking show. Kalluto had heard of the genre, though he’d never seen anything like it. The concept seemed vaguely entertaining, at least.

 

Killua immediately started providing his own running commentary on the show, which was distracting enough that Kalluto missed hearing all of the contestant’s names. It wasn’t like he minded, though. He’d never heard Killua talk so much at one time; his brother seemed to have opinions on everyone in the show, judges included.

 

“Fun fact, I kind of know Menchi,” he said, referring to the head judge who Kalluto had immediately recognized as the strictest of the three-person panel. “She was one of the examiners during my first hunter exam, and she actually failed all of us before the chairman called for a redo.” He smiled, like it was a fond memory for him. “It was kind of a crazy bitch move, but I can respect her passion. Though, her attitude’s a lot funnier when you’re watching her judge other people.”

 

By the end of the first show, one of the contestants was in tears, while another had been kicked off for attempting to kill a judge. The fruits of the remaining contestant’s efforts were manifested in nine enormous cakes, each one depicting an intricate scene such as a jungle or a cityscape. 

 

Looking at the level of detail, Kalluto couldn’t help but marvel. While some of these cakes had been created with the subtle help of Nen, which was perfectly within the rules, others had been made purely with skill. However they were made, it was impressive work. He doubted he could do anything like it.

 

The next episode started automatically, and they let it play.

 

Halfway through the third episode, Kalluto realized it had been a while since he’d last heard Killua’s snarky commentary. He looked over to see his brother passed out, head tilted back against the couch at an angle that would surely see him waking up to a stiff neck.

 

Kalluto should turn off the show and wake Killua up so they could both go to their actual beds. That would be the responsible thing to do, but the couch was so warm and comfortable. His head was so full of all the advanced baking techniques he’d seen that there was no room for any other thoughts, and he felt pleasantly drowsy.

 

It was easy to lie back and follow his brother’s calm breathing into sleep. He was almost there when his phone screen lit up with an incoming call, the harsh light and buzzing noise startling him fully awake. 

 

He picked the phone up on instinct, but he almost dropped it when he saw who was calling. 

 

Kikyo.

 

Kalluto stared at it uncomprehendingly. Go on and take the call, his sensible mind urged. Mom hates it when you don’t reply right away.

 

But I’m so tired. Why is she calling now? It’s the middle of the night.

 

A sickening thought struck him; what if Milluki was dead?

 

No. There’s absolutely no way. You’re being paranoid.

 

Caught between habitual obedience and a new avoidance, tiredness and paranoia, he couldn’t bring himself to answer the call. The phone vibrated itself into silence, and then it lit up again.

 

Impulsively, Kalluto turned off his phone.

 

His heart was hammering in his chest as if he’d narrowly escaped disaster, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

 

“What’s up? Did someone call you?”

 

Kalluto startled so hard he almost fell off the couch, but he managed to catch himself at the last second. “It’s nothing,” he dismissed. “Go back to sleep.”

 

Killua gave him a disbelieving look, but shrugged. “Sure. G’night.”

 

He lay back down on the couch, this time arranging himself sideways across it so his legs were resting on Kalluto’s lap. Kalluto didn’t understand the logic in it—was his brother trying to prevent him from going anywhere? It was a little annoying to be trapped like this, but Kalluto didn’t have the heart to tell him to move, especially when Killua quickly fell back asleep.

 

Kalluto envied him. He doubted he’d sleep a wink tonight.

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

The following days were all off-kilter.

 

Killua was significantly grumpier without Gon around, possibly due to lack of sleep.

 

This translated to him spending more time out of the apartment on jobs, and occasionally not returning until the middle of the night. Killua probably would’ve spent all of his spare time in his room were it not for Alluka. She routinely dragged him out of there to hang out in the living room with them, and locked him in place under the pretext of watching movies. 

 

As a result, Kalluto had seen more movies over the past few days than he’d seen in his entire life previously. It was…an interesting experience, though he wished Alluka wasn’t such a fan of cheesy rom-coms that all seemed to have the same dull formula.

 

Thanks to Gon’s absence, they were also ordering far more takeout than before. Alluka insisted that they couldn’t survive solely on takeout, though, which meant her and Killua took to the kitchen—Kalluto was thankfully exempt from this, as he’d settled into the role of doing the dishes for everyone. 

And that was how Kalluto learned his brother’s biggest weakness; he was utterly useless in the kitchen. Not that Alluka was all that much better, though at least she managed to avoid setting things on fire.

 

Sometimes, the food turned out fine. On a good day, his siblings could manage a simple recipe. Other days…well, they ended up having to throw away a lot of food.

 

The mac and cheese they’d made the other day was decent enough that Kalluto had stupidly gotten his hopes up, but what they’d made tonight frankly smelled atrocious. 

 

Kalluto poked at the shriveled–looking mass of food with his fork. What is this, anyway?

 

“Menchi would refuse to even try this,” he said, unable to hold back his disgust.

 

Killua snorted. “You’re right. It looks awful.”

 

“It’s not so bad!” Alluka said, taking a big bite as if to prove her point. Except it looked like swallowing the food was painful, and there were visible tears in her eyes as she gave them a sadly unconvincing thumbs-up. “See?” She choked. “It’s edible.”

 

Kalluto sighed. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…“I miss Gon.”

 

“Me too,” Alluka groaned, letting her head come to rest on the table with a thunk. “He always made cooking look so easy, but it’s really not.”

 

“Two more days, and then he’ll be back,” Killua reminded them. He appeared more glum than either one of them, poking listlessly at his food as if he had no appetite…though when the food looked like that, no one could blame him.

 

From where it sat on the kitchen counter, Kalluto’s phone started to vibrate with a call.

 

He looked away, ignoring it out of habit, but then Killua raised his eyebrows. “You gonna answer that?”

 

Kalluto didn’t want to…all the same, he should. This kind of pitiful avoidance was embarrassing, anyway.

 

He walked over to answer the phone, and walked swiftly down the hallway so as not to disturb dinner.

 

“Hello, Kalluto speaking.”

 

“Finally, you pick up!” Kikyo exclaimed. “Why have you been avoiding me, Kal?”

 

“I’ve just been busy lately,” Kalluto lied. “I’m sorry I left without informing anyone.”

 

For the first time in his life, he hadn’t been doing much of anything. He just didn’t know where to begin explaining the gaping hole that opened up in his stomach every time he considered talking to her.

 

“I’m glad you’re okay, but when will you come home? We all miss you. The house is so empty, sometimes it feels as if—as if I’ve lost two sons at once.”

 

Kalluto could hear her crying, and a choking guilt grew inside him. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know when exactly I’ll return. Not—anytime soon.” 

 

He couldn’t bring himself to say never, though he couldn’t imagine returning at the moment. At some time in the future, he’d surely visit. Maybe in a few months, he’d feel ready to come home. He just needed more time first.

 

“You’re staying with Killua, aren’t you?” Kikyo’s voice turned sharper, and he winced. This wasn’t how he wanted her to find out, but it was his own fault for not communicating.

 

“I am,” he admitted.

 

“So that’s how it is. You’ve chosen him over us.”

 

“It’s not like—” he couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t lie to her again. In a horrible way, it was exactly like that. He swallowed hard. “I like it here, mom.”

 

“Why does that matter? Don’t be so selfish, Kal.”

 

“I just need some time, that’s all.”

 

“We need you here at home, and yet you’ve abandoned us! Don’t you care about our family? I need you here, you can’t just leave!”

 

“Of course I care!” Kalluto protested. “I—”

 

“Your older brother sacrificed everything so that you could return home, and then you spit in the face of that by running away from us.”

 

There was a pause as she drew in a breath. Kalluto already knew her next words would hurt, but he was frozen as surely as if a needle were locking him in place.

 

“Illumi would be so disappointed in you—”

 

As the phone was suddenly tugged out of his hand, Kalluto jerked back in surprise. He must’ve been too loud in his replies, or perhaps his brother had been listening all along. Either way, Killua was now holding the phone up to his ear, a deadly look in his eyes.

 

“Hey mom,” Killua said, and immediately the noise on the other end went quiet. “Yeah, Kalluto’s staying with me. Is that gonna be a problem?”

 

Kikyo’s reply was shrill and indignant—Kalluto only caught a few words of it, such as bad influence and home.

 

“Shut up,” Killua interrupted after half a minute, his voice cold. “Here’s how it’s going to be. Kalluto is staying with us. Shut up—listen. He’s staying with us for as long as he wants and you will stop calling to harass him about it. Text him if you want to catch up, call if anyone dies, otherwise leave him alone. Do you understand me?”

 

Kalluto couldn’t identify any words in their mother’s next reply, a garbled mixture of pleading and furious screaming. Somehow, Killua was unmoved through all of it, his face like stone.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Killua said, directing a hard glare at the wall like he was imagining Kikyo standing there. “I don’t give a shit. Stop calling or he’ll block your fucking number. Goodbye!”

 

Killua hung up before Kalluto could protest, and handed him back the phone.

 

“Sorry about taking over like that,” Killua said, letting out a slow breath. He seemed exhausted, but otherwise unscathed. “She just makes me—anyway, you good?”

 

Kalluto stared at his phone, half-expecting her to instantly call back. A small part of him wanted her to, even as he dreaded it. The seconds ticked on. His phone remained silent, and he slipped it into his pocket after half a minute.

 

“Kalluto?”

 

He blinked. “Yes. Sorry.”

 

Killua had asked him something, but he couldn’t even recall the question. His head felt…fuzzy. Like he’d been drugged, only he hadn’t been this affected by anything ever since he was very young. Or like he’d been poisoned by another one of those thorns…

 

Maybe everything since waking up in the tent after being healed by Nanika had been a dream. Everything after that felt unreal, including the way Killua was looking at him now, with an unfamiliar gentle patience. 

 

Don’t be a fool. He mentally shook himself. Your memories of the last month aren’t made-up. Get it together.

 

“Mom’s angry at me,” Kalluto said eventually, dropping his gaze to the floor. It felt shameful to even admit. “I’ve never seen her get mad like this before.” Well, he had, but not at him. He’d never done anything to be deserving of her fury until now.

 

“Well, fuck her,” Killua muttered, before shaking his head. “I mean—that sucks, Kalluto. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

 

“It’s fine,” Kalluto replied by default, though it really wasn’t. 

 

He wondered how Killua had been able to stand the crushing weight of her anger and disappointment. Although, maybe that was why Killua had given up on caring about what their mother wanted; maybe it was an act of self-defense.

 

Killua was quiet for a moment, still watching him. “What did she say to you? At the end.”

 

“She said…” he had to force the words out past his closing throat. “Illumi would be disappointed in me.”

 

“That fucking bit—” his brother cleared his throat and took a visible deep breath. “Well. That’s fucking stupid. There’s no way for any of us to know how Illumi would feel. It’s just her stupid opinion, you shouldn’t listen to her.”

 

“But she’s right,” Kalluto whispered. “He would be.”

 

“So maybe he would,” Killua said. “Maybe. But that still doesn’t mean shit. Whatever Illumi would have wanted is completely fucking irrelevant, okay? He’s dead—he can’t control our lives anymore. Fuck whatever he would’ve—”

 

“He died for me!”

 

Killua stepped back, eyes wide and startled. “Wait, Kalluto—”

 

“Illumi saved my life, and you expect me to just ignore that?” Kalluto’s eyes stung. “I can’t. He gave up everything for me. I need to live a life that he would be proud of.”

 

“Kalluto, wait, listen…”

 

He couldn’t be here any longer. “I’m leaving.”

 

“Kalluto!”

 

Kalluto only shoved his shoes on, slamming the door on Alluka’s confused questioning. As he ran down the stairs, nobody followed after him; although Killua could easily catch up and restrain him by force, he simply let him go.

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

It was bitterly cold outside, the midwinter wind a howling monster that tore through his thin jacket and went straight to his bones. 

 

Shoulda grabbed a coat, stupid, said a voice that sounded too much like Killua.

 

Shut up, he told it. Go away.

 

He’d give anything to have Illumi’s voice in his head again, telling him what to do, but there was only silence. He was on his own.

 

For a time, Kalluto wandered aimlessly through the dark city streets. The few others who were out in this weather ignored him, passing around him like he wasn’t even there—until one unfortunate man attempted to mug him as he passed through an alley.

 

Kalluto left him bleeding out with automatic ease and stepped over the body, shaking a few droplets of blood off his hand. It didn’t help much. There was too much of it, the smell of iron thick in the air to an almost disgusting degree.

 

Sloppy. You can do better than that. You’re out of practice.

 

Without thinking about it, his feet took him to the nearest park. He’d come here a few times with his siblings and Gon, though always during the day. At night, nobody frequented the park aside from a few homeless people sleeping on benches.

 

It was lucky for him that nobody was around to see his damningly bloody hand, held out in plain view to avoid staining his coat. Belatedly, he went into Zetsu to hide himself.

 

As Kalluto wandered slowly down the paths, something in his blood itched for more violence. The would-be mugger in the alley was the first person he’d killed in…he honestly didn’t know how long. Months, maybe.

 

It wasn’t as if Killua had forbidden him from killing. Rather, it seemed to be a silent expectation that he wouldn’t do it while staying with his siblings, since he was taking a break from his usual job. The break was stretching on for longer than he’d expected…but it wasn’t like Kalluto particularly missed killing people. It was just a job.

 

Kalluto had been raised as an assassin, and he took pride in his skill. Sometimes he enjoyed his job, but he wasn’t a murderer for fun. He wouldn’t go around killing people for the hell of it—he was a Zoldyck, not some feral beast that couldn’t control itself.

 

Maybe that was why the slick sensation of blood on his skin felt almost unbearable. Killing that man had been unintentional…simply a reflex. Faced with a potential threat, he’d moved faster than thinking. 

 

It wasn’t like he regretted it, he wouldn’t mourn the man, but he disliked how it felt to have meaningless blood on his hands. He hated how it made him feel out of control. 

 

Kalluto clenched his dirtied hand into a fist, keeping it held tight to his body as he walked over to the park’s sole pond. Nobody was watching, but with a nearly-full moon shining overhead, he felt exposed. He shook the feeling off as he crouched down beside the water. The pond was covered with a thin layer of ice, easily broken with a few jabs.

 

It didn’t take long to wash off the blood, but after his hand was completely numb. He slipped it into his pocket, repeatedly clenching it into a fist to keep the blood circulating. Even his other hand was nearly numb by now; it was far too cold tonight to be outside without gloves.

 

You know what’s nice and warm? The apartment.

 

Shut UP, fake-Killua!

 

Kalluto still felt on-edge, and instinctively he climbed a tree to get a better vantage point on his surroundings. Nestled amongst the thick branches of an old oak, his breathing calmed, and he felt steadier. Something about the rough texture of the bark was grounding, clearing the last of the fog from his head. 

 

There was a surprisingly decent view of the city from here—he must be about fifty feet up. Sparkling lights gleamed like thousands of glowing eyes, an oddly comforting sight.

 

A vibration within his pocket prompted him to pull out his phone. As he stared at the glowing screen, he felt like he was holding some kind of venomous creature. His instincts told him to throw it away before it stung him, but then his brain caught up.

 

The screen read Gon.

 

As much as a part of him was disappointed it wasn’t his mother calling, most of him was relieved. He couldn’t handle another call from her tonight. 

 

His phone was still vibrating. Largely out of habit, he picked up.

 

“Hello, Kalluto speaking.”

 

“Hey,” Gon replied at once. “Full disclosure, Alluka texted me. But she didn’t tell me to call you, I just thought I’d check in. So, how are you doing?”

 

Kalluto blinked, a bit startled at the urgency underlying Gon’s voice. “I’m fine.”

 

A sound that might’ve been a sigh. “That’s good to hear. Can I ask where you are now?”

 

“In a tree.”

 

Gon laughed. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that! Do you have a good view?”

 

Kalluto looked back at the city. “It’s pretty good.”

 

“Did I ever tell you about the time I climbed the world tree?”

 

“No.”

 

“Now that was an amazing view…the sun setting over the ocean was so beautiful. I felt like I could see the whole world. There were these giant baby birds up there too, and they made the funniest noises.”

 

“That sounds…interesting.”

 

“Okay, that’s enough from me.” Gon’s voice wasn’t any less warm, but it became more crisp somehow as he continued. “I’ve been checking the forecast for Yorknew every day, so I know it’s really cold there tonight. You don’t have to go back to the apartment yet, if you don’t want to, but you should go somewhere warm. There are diners that are open all night, and cafes, arcades…you could even sneak into a bar.”

 

“I hate inebriated people.”

 

There were plenty of places he could go, that was true…anywhere would be warmer than where he was now. And all of them would be crawling with people. He’d be surrounded by strangers who would either harass him or ignore him or treat him like he was a lost child. 

 

The only place Kalluto wanted to be was the apartment.

 

Home.

 

He didn’t know when it had truly become that for him, but at some point without him noticing, the apartment had turned into somewhere to come back to. 

 

Gon was saying something, but Kalluto interrupted him. “I want to go home.”

 

“Then what’s stopping you?”

 

His pride, partially. To have run off like that, in a fit of childish irritation, only to immediately come crawling back…the thought of returning now stung. He’d look like an idiot.

 

More than that, Kalluto knew he’d have to talk to his brother, and he didn’t feel prepared for the conversation. 

 

Gon waited patiently on the other end of the line for his answer, and the quiet reminded him of another conversation with Gon in the earliest hours of morning. Back then, he’d offered to talk anytime, so it wouldn’t be wrong of Kalluto to ask a question now.

 

“How do you live with it?” Perhaps that was too vague, as Gon made a confused noise through the phone. “The guilt of failing to save Kite.”

 

The guilt of being too weak, too stupid, too slow—they’d both been pitifully ignorant of the truth, unwilling to believe that even their best efforts could be worthless.

 

“Ah.” A pause. “Well, at first I didn’t? I mean, if not for your siblings I’d be dead, aha. But after that…well, mostly it took time. I distracted myself with other things at first, and then I was focused on rebuilding my friendship with Killua. Every once in a while the guilt would come back and it would feel kind of overwhelming, but it got easier over time. And early on, sometimes it helped to—uh. I was going to say, sometimes I’d call Kite, but that’s not very helpful…sorry.”

 

No, he couldn’t exactly call Illumi.

 

“But what I can tell you is that it won’t be this bad forever,” Gon barreled onwards. “And all of us are here for you, Kalluto. I know Killua can be awkward with this stuff sometimes, but he understands how you feel more than you think.”

 

“I know,” Kalluto replied softly. Their differing opinions on Illumi aside, he knew that Killua grieved their brother as much as he did. “I know I should just talk to him.”

 

“Hey, you can take your time with it. Talking is hard! You don’t have to feel bad about running away, either…but you’ll go somewhere warm after this, right?”

 

“I’m going home,” Kalluto replied. “Thank you, Gon. This talk was very illuminating.”

 

Gon started to say something else, perhaps a question, but whatever it was, Kalluto missed it; he’d already hit the button to hang up. Probably just saying goodbye, he reasoned.

 

Climbing down the tree proved to be more difficult than climbing up. His limbs had grown stiff from the cold, and he essentially fell down the last several feet, coming to an awkward sliding stop. Under the orange glow of a streetlight, his hands looked red—possibly scratched-up from his uncomfortable descent, or maybe it was just the frigid air. He didn’t have much feeling in his hands anymore.

 

Finding himself eager to get back to the warm air indoors, Kalluto sped up into a run. It didn’t take long to get back to the apartment, but he froze as soon as he reached the familiar stoop. In his haste to exit, he’d forgotten to grab his keys, like an idiot.

 

At least his phone wasn’t dead when he dug it out of his pocket. Immediately, he was struck by the sheer number of text messages on the screen. The majority were just from Alluka.

 

kallu are u okay?? killua said mom called but he’s not saying anything else

(I think he’s sulking)

Are you going to the club without me? Rude

I hope you’re okay. Im here if you wanna talk

Gon said u told him you’re going home

do u mean HERE or the old place???

Kalluto. Answer Me.

kalluuuuuuuuuuu

Please don’t go back there

u wouldn’t leave me alone with them, would you? that would be so cruel!

if you don’t answer in 5 more minutes im calling

 

In contrast, Killua had only texted once.

 

I hope you’re ok. Call me when you get the chance.

 

Kalluto didn’t know who to text first, so he defaulted to the apartment group chat.

 

I’m back, but I don’t have my keys.

Would someone mind letting me in?

 

Alluka replied instantly.

 

i’ll be right down!

don’t u dare go anywhere!!!

 

Less than a minute he heard footsteps pounding down the interior staircase: she must be running. Soon the door swung open and he was roughly pulled inside, the door clanging shut behind him.

 

Suddenly he was surrounded by warmth, and not just from the heated interior air. Alluka’s arms were wrapped solidly around him, as if to keep him from running away again. The gesture was unnecessary; he wasn’t going anywhere. Still, he welcomed the embrace.

 

Alluka pulled away, only to grab his hand, corralling him up the stairs. “You dumbass,” she said, shaking her head. “Killua was so worried! We both were.”

 

“Really?” Kalluto frowned. “But I can take care of myself.”

 

“It’s still freezing out there!” Alluka exclaimed. “We weren't worried you’d get murdered, we thought you were gonna get hypothermia.”

 

“My hands are only slightly numb.”

 

“They’re so cold,” she replied, squeezing his hands fiercely in an attempt to warm them up. “I guess if you were to get frostbite, Nanika could regrow your fingers for you, but—”

 

“I don’t have frostbite.”

 

Alluka only gave him a look, but he felt thoroughly scolded. 

 

“It’s not that cold…” he muttered. “I’ve been out in worse conditions and been fine.”

 

His sister shook her head again. “I’ll let Killua give the lecture.”

 

Great…

 

Killua, surprisingly, was in the kitchen when they got back. Kalluto didn’t get a good look at what he was doing there before he walked over, immediately scanning him from head-to-toe for injuries in a manner that was achingly familiar. Illumi had done the same once. 

 

“Living room,” he said, and pushed ahead, leading the way.

 

Was he about to get yelled at or something? At this point he was certain Killua wouldn’t hit him, but he’d rather not be yelled at, all the same.

 

As he looked back at Alluka, she just offered a profoundly unhelpful thumbs-up. He swallowed down a sigh and followed their brother to the living room, Alluka at his back.

 

Killua was sitting on the floor by the table, and so Kalluto followed his lead. 

 

It felt odd to have this conversation when they were all sitting on the floor. Generally, it was harder to yell at someone when both parties were sitting down. For a more intimidating effect, Killua should stand in order to loom over him, though admittedly that wasn’t really his style.

 

When the silence stretched into something awkward, Kalluto took the liberty of ending it.

 

“Apologies for interrupting our dinner,” he said, bowing his head.

 

Alluka laughed, seeming startled. “Kallu, dinner was already ruined. Don’t worry about that.”

 

Killua grimaced faintly. “Yeah, we literally tossed it.”

 

Oh.

 

He’d honestly forgotten how awful the food had turned out; not that he’d had the chance to try it before Kikyo called, but it certainly hadn’t looked appetizing. Now that he recalled he hadn’t eaten, though, his stomach felt completely hollow.

 

Killua sighed, and then fixed Kalluto with an intent look. He didn’t seem angry at all. Mostly, he looked tired.

 

“Could you please try not to run off like that again?”

 

Kalluto blinked. “I wasn’t planning to.”

 

“Okay, great.” There was a profound pause, during which Kalluto wondered, is that all? Killua rubbed his eyes and then finally continued. “First, I’m sorry. I said some things I shouldn’t have in that conversation…I mean, I still think Illumi’s theoretical opinion doesn’t mean shit, but I understand why you care about it. And it’s not bad that you do.”

 

“You don’t need to apologize—”

 

“Shut up. Second thing…I’m glad you came back.” Killua’s voice was slightly strained, and he wondered if his brother was coming down with a headache. “I hope you always feel like this is somewhere you can return to.”

 

At least he knew what to say in response to that.

 

“If I didn’t feel that way, I wouldn’t be here now.”

 

His brother’s answering smile was small but genuine. “Good. Okay, third thing.” He seemed to stall out, turning to Alluka. “What was the third thing again?”

 

Based on how Alluka cocked her head to one side, she seemed to have forgotten as well. Then suddenly she straightened up, snapping her fingers.

 

“Cookies!”

 

“Shit, yeah!” Killua sprang to his feet. “I should check on them, I forgot to set a timer.” He ran off to the kitchen, returning half a minute later with a stressed look on his face. “I just set a timer for five minutes. Hopefully that’s the right amount? Fuck. I miss Gon.”

 

“You need to become more independent,” Alluka scolded.

 

“Like you know how to cook anything.”

 

“I’m better than you are! At least I can bake stuff.”

 

“Yeah, well, you were the one who decided to cook the pasta for longer tonight, and look how that turned out.”

 

That mush was supposed to be pasta? Yikes.

 

“It’s your fault that there was way too much garlic!”

 

“You’re both awful at cooking,” Kalluto said as Killua was opening his mouth for another barb, not wanting to sit through this pointless argument. “Just accept that fact and move on.”

 

“I will not be insulted in my own home by a teenager,” Killua said absurdly.

 

“As if you’re not also a teenager,” Kalluto said, trying not to roll his eyes. “Don’t act as if two years makes some huge difference.”

 

“Just wait until you’re sixteen, kid…one day, you’ll get it.”

 

Kalluto glared at his older brother, who only kept a straight face for a couple seconds before he started snickering at him. He’s winding me up on purpose. How obnoxious. 

 

At least the cookies were ready a minute later, which distracted all of them from petty fights. And surprisingly, the cookies—chocolate-chip—were excellent. It all made sense when Alluka whispered to him that Gon had made the dough previously; all Killua had done was put the cookies in the oven.

 

“I didn’t burn them,” Killua said sourly. “That should count for something.”

 

“Mhm, sure it does,” Alluka teased.

 

Cookies for dinner felt almost illegal. It certainly wasn’t the kind of thing that would be allowed back at Kukuroo mountain. Kalluto ended up eating four of them. Maybe later he’d regret it, but in the moment the cookies were too delicious to be passed up. Besides, he was ravenous.

 

He realized then that there was something he’d forgotten to say earlier. 

 

“I killed someone while I was out,” Kalluto said, and nearly winced when both his sibling’s heads immediately snapped in his direction. “A man who tried to mug me,” he clarified.

 

“Oh, that’s fine then,” Killua said unexpectedly.

 

“You’re not…disappointed in me?”

 

Killua shrugged. “Nah. I mean, it’d be better if you hadn’t, but it’s hard to break the habit of killing random assholes—I would know. I’d be a total hypocrite to judge you for that.”

 

He’d expected his morally upright brother to at least give him a lecture about killing bad or something like that. It seemed like he’d made a misjudgment of character, once again.

 

As Kalluto was doing the dishes after they’d finished eating, Killua hovered awkwardly off to the side. “Hey,” he said. “You know Illumi’s death wasn’t your fault, right?”

 

Kalluto looked away to focus on scrubbing a non-existent stain from the baking sheet. “I know that logically. On occasion it’s…difficult to believe.”

 

“I would’ve done the same thing, you know.” When he looked at his brother, Killua’s expression was deadly serious. “For you, or for Alluka. That’s just how it is when you have little siblings.”

 

Though it wasn’t a surprising statement, hearing it still made a weight sink in his stomach, and he resolved to never end up in another situation that might require someone’s sacrifice to escape. It wasn’t an unrealistic goal; he was never going back to the Dark Continent, and he’d been trained to avoid any overly dangerous scenarios. 

 

“I understand,” he replied. Another thought occurred to him then. “But you wouldn’t for Gon?”

 

Killua smiled wryly. “Nah. He doesn’t handle people dying for him well. We’ve actually talked it over, and if it’s a really dire situation, we’ll go out together.”

 

“That…makes sense.”

 

What Kalluto really wanted to say was please don’t ever do that, but he knew Killua wasn’t taking this lightly. He wouldn’t willingly throw himself into danger or risk his life for nothing. There were times when danger crept up on you, and despite your best efforts death became near-unavoidable. Both of them were well aware of that.

 

Still, Kalluto wished desperately that from now on the monsters would stay far away from the people he cared about. He couldn’t lose anyone else. 

Notes:

I just realized I could summarize this chapter with “Kalluto has two very different phone call experiences.”

Anyway.,,Kalluto can have a little murder, as a treat. Not that he’ll be making a habit of it, but I think it’s hard to break from that mindset (thinking of hunter exam Killua here).

Someone help Killua, parenting is hard. Especially when you’re both teenagers. Well, at least he has Gon.

Hope y’all enjoyed, only one more chapter left!! Crazy.

Chapter 6: have fun slacking off and disappointing our parents

Only a few days after the awful conversation with his mother, Kalluto received another call: this time, from Milluki. 

 

He stared at his vibrating phone and contemplated letting it go to voicemail. It was half past midnight—plausibly, he could be asleep. He should be asleep. With his largely nocturnal sleep schedule, Milluki tended to forget other people weren’t the same. Honestly, it would serve him right if Kalluto ignored his call.

 

Kalluto picked up the phone.

 

“Mom’s upset,” his brother said, without any preamble. “Ever since she called you, she’s been completely miserable to be around, so thanks for that.”

 

Kalluto grit his teeth against the vicious sting of guilt the statement initiated. His room felt choking—he needed fresh air. Slipping out into the hallway, he squeezed the phone in his hand tighter.

 

“If that’s all you have to say, I’m hanging up.”

 

“That’s not why I called.”

 

Mindlessly, his feet took him up a staircase. He pushed open the door in front of him, and as night-cool air rushed at his face, he could finally breathe again. 

 

Letting the door close behind him, Kalluto walked until he reached the edge of the roof, climbing up onto the ledge where they all liked to sit and watch the city.

 

“Then why did you?”

 

There was a long pause. Kalluto considered hanging up again, but his curiosity held him on a fish hook until Milluki finally responded. 

 

“To check in, I guess…but it seems like you’re still kicking, so I’ll hang up now.”

 

Kalluto frowned. “Wait.” There was silence on the other line, but Milluki didn’t hang up. “Were you actually…worried about me?”

 

A staticky snort on the other end. “As if.”

 

He’s lying, Kalluto realized with a quiet surprise.

 

“Killua is also doing well,” Kalluto said stiffly. “As is Alluka.” 

 

He knew Milluki didn’t care about how Alluka was doing, but he refused to acknowledge that right now. This call didn’t need to devolve into yet another fight. 

 

“That’s good to know,” was Milluki’s curt response. Surprisingly, he didn’t follow it with anything crass about Alluka. He said nothing at all, leaving an awkward empty space that Kalluto scrambled to fill.

“How…” he didn't want to ask about their parents, actually. “How are you?”

 

Kalluto couldn’t remember ever asking about how Milluki was doing. They simply didn’t have that kind of relationship. Growing up, they had hardly talked. There was a significant age difference between them, which didn’t help, but mostly they had very little in common. 

 

“Fine.” From the awkwardness in Milluki’s voice that came through even with the bad connection, he felt the same. A sigh, and then: “Look, I’ll just say it. Cut the crap and come home already. What are you even doing there?”

 

“I’m not coming back.” At least, not yet, he left unsaid. “Sorry,” he added, half an apology for leaving and half for providing no explanation. There was just no way he could make Milluki understand why he needed to be here. He barely understood it himself.

 

“...Fucking useless. I don’t know why I bothered to call.”

 

“I’ll come back to visit one day,” he promised. “But if you’re tired of being the only one of us still living at home, you could always leave.”

 

It was hard to imagine Milluki not living at home, to be honest; even more difficult to imagine was the thought of returning himself. At the same time, he couldn’t see himself never going back. At the very least, he’d want to visit Illumi’s grave one day…and see his mother. Thinking about Kikyo hurt somewhere deep in his chest, but he still wanted to talk to her again one day.

 

“I’m perfectly happy here, so no thanks. Anyway, if all of you are going to be slackers, then I’ll have to step up as heir.”

 

Kalluto frowned. “Do you even want kids?”

 

“The family will help raise them, so it doesn’t matter. I bet mom will even arrange a marriage for me.”

 

It was almost incredible how casually Milluki talked about it all. This was his one and only life, and he didn’t seem to mind that he wasn’t going to be at the steering wheel.

 

“It doesn’t…bother you? Don’t you want to choose who to marry, or if you’re going to have kids or not?” Kalluto couldn’t help asking. “Personally, it would bother me if I felt like I was forced to have kids.”

 

“You’re thinking about it all wrong,” Milluki said, a bit snappily. “They wouldn’t be my kids, they’d be Zoldycks. And of course a little baby like you can’t comprehend having children, you barely know what sex is.”

 

“I know what sex is!”

 

“Uh-huh, sure you do.”

 

The smugness in Milluki’s tone reminded him of Killua, suddenly. While his older brothers had little in common, they both took too much pleasure in harassing him.

 

“I do, for the record,” he said, just to get the last word in. “But I suppose your life is none of my business, so I’ll shut up now.”

 

It seemed like Milluki would be the only one of them to continue the Zoldyck line. Perhaps Kalluto would change his mind one day, but for now he couldn’t imagine having children. He suspected Killua had no interest in women, and spared a moment to be thankful that it was impossible for Killua and Gon to accidentally create a child; just the thought was horrifying.

 

Kalluto wondered if Alluka would ever decide to have kids. He was certain she would be a good mother, if she ever desired such a thing. 

 

“That’s right. If you want me to consider your opinion, you’ll have to come home first.”

 

“Careful. It almost sounds like you miss me.” 

 

A scoff. “Don’t be ridiculous. I want you to come home for the sake of the family, that’s all.”

 

Kalluto was pretty sure that this was the friendliest conversation the two of them had ever had. It was…strange. Something like regret tugged at his chest, and he sighed, feeling suddenly tired. It was too late to feel this way. He’d made up his mind.

 

“I’ll see you around, I guess,” Kalluto said. A wild idea popped into his head. “Perhaps you could come visit us here.”

 

The line was quiet for a minute, as they shared space across distance. It seemed that neither wanted to be the first to hang up.

 

“I have better things to do than hang out with losers,” Milluki said eventually. Kalluto wondered how much he meant it. “Bye, Kalluto. Have fun slacking off and disappointing our parents.”

​​

The line went dead, Milluki having hung up before Kalluto could say goodbye.

 

He didn’t mind very much. It felt less final that way.

 

Kalluto pushed away aching thoughts of family left behind, turning his attention to the city skyline. It was a good distraction, eye-catching as always; they were lucky to be granted such a good view of midtown Yorknew from their roof. The numerous buildings glimmered like jewels, or man-made stars to replace the real stars hidden behind layers of light pollution. 

 

When viewed from Kukuroo mountain, the stars were impossibly bright, a stunning array. Of course, once inside the mountain, they were mostly invisible. Kalluto’s room back home had one small skylight, a narrow shaft that extended up thousands of feet to let in a pitiful patch of light. If he were to lay on the floor right underneath, he could see a few stars that way, but it had never seemed worth the effort.

 

Kalluto gazed at the view until his mind stilled and his skin prickled with cold, and then he went back inside.

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

 

He told his siblings about Milluki’s call as they were eating breakfast the next day. 

 

“Huh.” Killua’s expression was mildly constipated as he poked at his waffles. “He actually seemed concerned?”

 

“As far as I could tell.”

 

“That’s out of character for him.”

 

Gon reached over to steal one of Killua’s strawberries. “Mm, but he’s still your brother. After what happened with Illumi, he probably worries more.”

 

“Paws off my plate, dick,” Killua said, making a stabbing motion with his fork in defense. Gon smiled innocently as he ate his stolen strawberry. “And sure, I guess I can see that, but it’s still fucking weird.”

 

“I think it’s kind of sweet of him,” Alluka said thoughtfully. 

 

Killua made a disgusted face. “Milluki…sweet…”

 

“People can have unexpected depths,” Gon said, nodding sagely. 

 

The very next moment he deftly snatched a blueberry from Killua’s plate, and any chance of further civilized conversation vanished as the two of them began waging a miniature sword fight with their forks, scattering syrup and berries all across the table. 

 

After breakfast was cleaned up—a lengthier process than normal, thanks to such childish behavior—Gon and Killua packed up and headed out. They were taking on a job together, something to do with magical beasts, and wouldn’t be back for a few days.

 

This would be the first time they’d both left for that long since Kalluto had moved in. As the door shut behind them, the sound of their lively chatter receding as they tramped down the stairs, Kalluto felt a sense of peace settle over him.

 

It would be nice to have some time with just Alluka. With those two gone, the apartment would certainly be a lot quieter.

 

A loud pop song started blaring almost immediately after he had the thought, and he turned to see Alluka standing in the living room with her arms flung up in the air victoriously. 

 

“Finally, they’re gone!” Alluka exclaimed. “Killua hates it when I play my music this loud, I always have to use headphones!”

 

Kalluto had been about to say something about the noise level, but upon seeing her joy he couldn’t help softening the sentiment. “Could you turn it down just a bit?”

 

“Oh, sure.”

 

And so began his ‘peaceful few days’ with Alluka.

 

It turned out that his sister saw Gon and Killua’s absence as an opportunity to go wild, and he was exposed to a new side to her. Although this wasn’t what he’d expected, it was surprisingly fun to ‘let loose a little’, as she called it. And it wasn’t as if they went out drinking. Mostly, Alluka dragged him to activities all over the city. 

 

Kalluto refused to go to karaoke with her, but he somewhat enjoyed the play she took him to, despite the annoying romance subplot. The cat cafe was an absolute highlight, and he looked forward to future visits. Their day at the arcade was a mixed experience, but he turned out to  excel at the claw machine, winning multiple ridiculous plush toys that made Alluka unreasonably thrilled. 

 

“You were so good at that!”

 

“Assassin reflexes, perhaps.”

 

Alluka shook her head. “No, that can’t be it. Killua sucks at the claw machine.”

 

Kalluto felt a small and utterly irrational flare of satisfaction at having finally found something he was better than Killua at. From Alluka’s knowing smile, she could tell.

 

“Anyway, I can’t believe you’d never been to an arcade before,” Alluka said as they walked back to the apartment. “We’ve got to take you out on the town more often! You’re a total shut-in.”

 

“I like the apartment,” he said in his defense. Maybe he’d been a little…reclusive, but it really was nice to be in a space where he felt so comfortable. Kalluto was strangely content to do nothing significant so long as he had the company of his siblings—and Gon, he supposed.

 

“It’s great,” she agreed, “but how are you going to make any friends if you never leave the house?”

 

Friends.

 

Kalluto had been wondering about that for a while. “Are we not friends?”

 

Alluka looked startled at first, but then she smiled brilliantly. “Of course we are, Kallu! But we’re also siblings, you know? I think it’s good to have friends who you’re not related to.”

 

“...Is Gon my friend?” Kalluto made a face, feeling slightly disgusted to have voiced that ridiculous thought. “Please forget I said that.”

 

Alluka laughed, because she loved nothing more than seeing him embarrass himself. “I’m certain he is, but if you’re not sure, then why not ask him?”

 

“Absolutely not.” A thought occurred to him, and he glanced over. “You have no grounds to laugh at me, sister. Who are your friends?”

 

“I have friends!” She said indignantly, and then deflated a bit. “I mean, it’s been hard getting to know people when me and Killua were traveling around for so long…but I have a few online friends. We play games together! And I’ve been working on making some IRL friends now that we’re more settled—you remember Stella, from the cat cafe?”

 

“No.”

 

“She was our waiter! She introduced herself…? You’ve got such a poor memory for people, I swear…anyway, not to brag but I’m basically a regular there, and I think we’ve got a good connection by now.”

 

Now that she’d mentioned it, Kalluto could vaguely recall the chatty waiter who’d spent several minutes talking with Alluka when the cafe was less busy. The two had seemed to get along well, though it wasn’t like Kalluto had paid much attention to their conversation. He’d been slightly distracted by the fat cat lying across his lap at the time.

 

“Have you ever talked to her outside of her workplace?”

 

Alluka looked down, rubbing the back of her neck in a bashful manner. “Ah…no. Not yet. I need to ask to exchange numbers, but that’s kind of an awkward thing to do. It has to be the right time, you know. And she’s really pretty, so sometimes I get a little flustered, and then I miss my chance! Agh…” 

 

She shook her head, smile fading. “To be honest, I really can’t lecture you about friends, Kalluto. Talking to people, all of that—it’s hard. Sometimes I think I must’ve missed some important formative years, being locked in that basement with only Nanika to talk to…haha.”

 

Though Kalluto was dressed adequately for the weather, the stark reminder of her childhood confinement made the air feel chillingly cold. Despite Alluka’s attempt to laugh it off, the new smile she’d put on was blatantly fake, shaky and weak. He hated to see her look like that.

 

“I don’t think any of us were socialized correctly,” Kalluto said eventually. There was no comfort he could offer but the truth; even as her experiences had been unique, in a way they had all been isolated from the normal world.

 

It was something Kalluto had been contemplating more often lately, the fact that most people grew up interacting often with people who weren’t family. Other people, normal people, went to school, talked to strangers instead of killing them…they made friends. Other people’s parents even encouraged them to make friends, which was a strange thing to consider. 

 

Kalluto had always been aware that their upbringing wasn’t normal. As Zoldycks, they were uniquely superior, unlike the rest. He’d accepted that without question. Lately, though, he couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to grow up differently…to grow up ‘normal’. In truth, he could hardly even imagine such a thing.

 

“That’s true enough,” Alluka said quietly. “I don’t mean to complain…in a lot of ways, all of you had it worse than me.”

 

Personally, Kalluto disagreed. Even if training had been painful and difficult at times, he’d still enjoyed much of it. He’d become stronger, and then he’d been allowed freedom; not only to leave the house, but to join the Spiders. 

 

What had Alluka been allowed? Nothing. 

 

The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. She’d been shut in the basement with only Nanika’s company for years. Even on the occasions when she had received visitors, they were always there to take advantage of her unique ability—never for her. 

 

Alluka had been nothing more to their family than a resource to be carefully managed, and Kalluto hadn’t thought anything of her treatment. He’d never questioned any of it. He could have at least asked to visit her, but he just hadn’t cared enough.

 

Kalluto could barely breathe around the guilt. He took measured breaths until it eased into a familiar, more bearable weight. “I’m sorry I never visited you.”

 

Alluka brushed off his apology, of course.

 

“Oh, it’s fine. Seriously, don’t feel bad about it. We weren’t close back then, anyway.”

 

But maybe we could’ve been. If I’d ever given you even a single chance, instead of wasting time being jealous of your bond with Killua…if I hadn’t simply followed Illumi’s orders without question. What could have been then?

 

Kalluto forcibly shut down that useless train of thought. He’d never become capable of defying Illumi, which made it unfair to judge his past self for his trained compliance. Most importantly, it did no good to dwell on regrets. There was no going back in time; and besides, hadn’t things turned out well enough in the end?

 

“I still wish Killua could’ve visited me, though.”

 

Her voice was soft enough that the words were nearly lost in the sound of the winter wind, and he wondered if he’d heard her right. 

 

“Killua didn’t visit you?”

 

Alluka shook her head, looking troubled. “He couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault…he couldn’t remember me because of Illumi’s needle. But I didn’t know that then. It was hard. I didn’t want to doubt him, but sometimes it felt like he’d given up on me.”

 

Her words brought to mind a faded memory: a conversation with Illumi from many years ago.

 

“Alluka isn’t like us. He’s dangerous,” Illumi told him. “From today on, he will be restricted to a special room in the basement, and you are not to talk about him with anyone, Killua especially. This is very important—do you understand, Kalluto?”

 

Kalluto didn’t understand, but he wasn’t going to ask why. If Illumi said it, then it was true, and it wasn’t worth questioning anyway. It was irrelevant, besides. He couldn’t talk to Killua when his older brother had just been sent away for training. 

 

And even when Killua returned, whenever that would be, he never hung out with Kalluto…

 

Illumi was still waiting for his answer.

 

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t.”

 

After that day, it was almost as if Alluka had never existed.

 

When Killua had gotten back from Heaven’s Arena and hadn’t gone to see Alluka, he’d found that strange. Even stranger was Killua’s continued indifference—like he just didn’t care about Alluka, like he never even thought about her. 

 

It was weird, but Kalluto didn’t say anything to him. He had his orders, Killua kept ignoring him like always, and they were both busy with training. Time moved on steadily, and eventually it was like things had always been that way.

 

While the gap between Kalluto and Killua only grew wider, filled with the absence of someone who should have been there.

 

Finally, Kalluto truly understood why Killua had been so furious about the needle. If it had just been to protect him, then blocking his memories of their sister wouldn’t have been necessary. 

 

Nanika was dangerous, but the creature hadn’t killed anyone since Killua had taken charge. If the family had listened to him more, if they hadn’t immediately jumped to such an extreme, there were other ways the situation could’ve been handled.  

 

There was no excuse. With Killua, Illumi had gone too far.  

 

Anger stirred inside him. Illumi had hurt his siblings, both of them; he’d made Killua forget about his favorite person in the world, and simultaneously taken away Alluka’s only support, leaving her all alone. It was wrong.

 

He didn’t like feeling mad at Illumi. His brother had saved his life, and he’d always looked after him. Ungrateful, a voice hissed in his head. Still, he couldn’t help it. There was an ugly knot inside him, anger and guilt twined together to form a choking mess.

 

“Kallu?” Alluka’s voice drew him out of his thoughts. “You’re being really quiet…”

 

“I’m sorry,” Kalluto said. “I…” he couldn’t voice the rest of it. How could he explain how badly he’d failed her? How badly he’d failed them both? It didn’t feel fair, anyway, to burden Alluka with his heavy thoughts.

 

He had to let some of it out, or he’d lose his mind. 

 

“It wasn’t fair,” he managed to say. “It shouldn’t have happened.”

 

Alluka slid him a curious glance. “What shouldn’t have—oh, right.” In a startlingly Killua-like move, she reached over to ruffle his hair. “You’re right, it’s not fair. But I hope you don’t dwell on it too much. It’s not your fault our family are a bunch of assholes.”

 

Kalluto supposed she was right. Still, her calm was striking. “Aren’t you ever angry about it?”

 

She considered that for a moment, and then shrugged. “Sometimes. I try not to be—it’s a waste of energy and time. All the people who should apologize to me never will, but I don’t need them to. I’m free now, and I’m happy with my life.”

 

Kalluto managed a nod. “Good.”

 

The conversation moved on to lighter topics, as Alluka started chattering on about music. Over the past couple of days she’d given herself the task to educate him about different musical genres, as his knowledge was apparently sorely lacking. 

 

Out of all the types of music she’d played for him, he’d only truly enjoyed the instrumental pieces. Generally, he found lyrics to be a distraction from the pure beauty of melody. Alluka, of course, took an opposing view, claiming that lyrics were like ‘poetry’ and he needed to ‘appreciate the beauty of the human voice!’

 

Kalluto couldn’t follow most of what she was saying, but he listened as much as he could, nodding occasionally in response to one of her points. It was good to see Alluka bouncing around happily as she usually did, and the ceaseless stream of her words washed away the last vestiges of bitter memory.

 

They made it back to the apartment just as the sky was turning bluish with evening, and Alluka rushed immediately to Gon and Killua’s room. Kalluto followed behind her warily. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Just making the room look nicer,” she said with a grin, arranging some of their newly-won plushies on the bed—specifically, a dog, a cat, and a frog. “This will be such a fun surprise for them when they get back tomorrow!”

 

“They’re returning tomorrow?”

 

“You really need to check the group chat more. Yes, tomorrow night! Or possibly the morning after, but Killua said they’ll try to make it back tomorrow.”

 

Kalluto found himself looking forward to their return, especially as they ate dinner. Boxed mac and cheese was…fine, but it couldn’t compare to a homemade meal. 

 

After he’d finished the dishes, Alluka dragged him to the living room. He obediently sat down on the couch, expecting her to put on a movie or show right away. Instead, Alluka procured face masks from somewhere. 

 

“I don’t know,” he said, looking at the paper mask Alluka dangled in front of him with doubt. She already wore one, and it made her face into an eerily featureless mask, almost as if Nanika had come out. “I think my skin is fine…”

 

“It’ll feel nice, trust me!”

 

Alluka was putting it on his face before he could voice any further protests. It felt cool on his skin, but not slimy. He decided it wasn’t the worst. Certainly, he could put up with it for fifteen minutes if it would make Alluka happy.

 

You’ve gotten soft, he thought unbidden. It didn’t feel like a thought that came from him, but rather an echo of someone else. 

 

There is nothing wrong with being soft sometimes, he told himself firmly. 

 

It was a thought he did his best to keep in mind as Alluka whipped out the nail polish a while later, her eyes gleaming with mischief. 

 

“Killua always lets me do his nails,” Alluka said. “Gon too. I won’t paint yours if it really bothers you, but…it’s fun.”

 

She’d preemptively destroyed his argument of isn’t this a girl thing—not that he had much of a leg to stand on there, considering his clothing habits—so he just nodded, and held out his right hand. 

 

“Yes! What color?” Alluka pushed forward a range of options. “We’ve got this gorgeous purple, silver, crimson, green—”

 

“I have working eyes,” he said dryly, and she went quiet. “Black.”

 

Alluka snickered. “I should’ve known.”

 

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Nothing!” She sang. When Kalluto glared at her, she only shrugged. “It suits you, that’s all.”

 

Alluka was completely silent as she focused on painting his nails, working with great efficiency. It was only a few minutes before she leaned back with a satisfied smirk. 

 

“Done! How do you like them?”

 

Kalluto tilted his hand, watching how the black reflected the colorful lights that strung the walls of the living room. It was a cool effect. He couldn’t say he disliked the look.

 

“They’re quite nice,” he said, offering a smile of his own. “You did an excellent job.”

 

Alluka beamed. “Thanks! Ooh, now I get to do mine…what color do you think I should choose? Last time I did pink with gold, but this time maybe…”

 

After several minutes of careful deliberation, Alluka decided to try a gradient effect with purple and yellow. The end result was beautiful, reminding him of a sunset. 

 

They didn’t end up watching a movie in the end, as they spent too much time watching videos on Alluka’s phone. It was odd, he reflected. A couple months ago, Kalluto would have considered their evening activities to be a frivolous waste of time—and he would’ve been utterly taken aback at the prospect of spending hours in the same room as Alluka. 

 

I really was a fool.

 

“Oh man, it got lateee,” Alluka said, her sentence ending with a huge yawn. “When’d that happen…? We should probably go to bed.”

 

“Mn. Agreed.”

 

He stood up to leave the room, but Alluka stayed sitting on the couch. She looked a little vacant, like she was completely spacing out. Before he could ask if she was okay, her eyes brightened, focusing on him with an unwavering gaze.

 

“Um, before you go,” Alluka said, and then hesitated. “Nanika wants to say goodnight to you…is that okay? I know you’re afraid of her, so you don’t have to agree—”

 

“I’m not—” Kalluto cut himself off, because they both knew it was true. “Nanika can come out, it’s fine with me.”

 

Alluka looked like she wanted to question it, but then she just closed her eyes. A couple seconds later, her skin paled, her face morphing into the creepy featureless mask of the creature that possessed her. 

 

Nanika opened its eyes and smiled at him. “Hi, little brother.”

 

I’m not—Kalluto swallowed his protest. It wasn’t like he wanted to talk to Nanika, but he didn’t want the creature to dislike him either, or else Alluka might get mad. “Hello.”

 

“Alluka loves you,” Nanika said for some reason. “Has fun with you.”

 

Kalluto had no idea where this was going. “I had fun tonight, as well.”

 

“You won’t make her sad?” Nanika’s face was creepily expressionless, but there was something in the air around it that set his teeth on edge. “I like you. But if you make Alluka cry, I’ll be mad.”

 

Kalluto couldn’t repress a shiver. “And if I do, what then? Will you kill me?”

 

Nanika didn’t blink—he didn’t know if it even could—but for a second, it seemed almost surprised. “No. You are still our little brother.”

 

Though he waited for Nanika to list some other consequences, nothing came, and eventually he felt compelled to break the tense silence.

 

“I don’t ever want to make Alluka cry,” Kalluto said honestly. “If I make her sad, it would be an accident, and I’d apologize to her.”

 

After another moment, Nanika nodded, and the heavy atmosphere instantly lessened. “You speak the truth.” Can it tell when people are lying?? Its gaping mouth formed a smile. “Goodnight, Kalluto.”

 

“...Goodnight, Nanika.”

 

Kalluto felt like he’d passed some kind of test, but his nerves were shot. It was a relief when Alluka opened her eyes, though as soon as she saw him she frowned. 

 

“Did Nanika say something to scare you? She feels remorseful.”

 

“Nanika…is looking out for you, that’s all.” Kalluto didn’t need to share the details of their brief conversation. “It’s fine.”

 

“If you say so,” Alluka said. “But you can let me know if she ever crosses any lines. Okay?” She’d paused at the door to her room, looking at him with a serious expression. 

 

“I know,” he assured her. “Goodnight, Alluka.”

 

“Night. Love you!”

 

Kalluto ran over the odd interaction in his mind as he settled into bed. Strangely enough, he had a certain degree of trust in Nanika. While Kalluto didn’t know if he’d ever fully trust the Dark Continent creature, he was absolutely certain that Nanika prioritized Alluka’s wellbeing. While that was a necessity for something that depended on another to live, it seemed clear that Nanika’s care went beyond what was necessary. 

 

It might even be called love.

 

 

 

🥀🐉🥀

 

 

Snow was falling outside in gentle flurries.

 

The city was supposed to receive several inches overnight, a forecast Kalluto could easily believe. Already, the snow was sticking to the roads, and the running track across the street had vanished under a layer of white. He enjoyed watching the way snow turned the world into a blank sheet of paper, all complications and messiness temporarily laid to rest.

 

Kalluto was sitting on one windowsill while Alluka had claimed the other, both of them silently watching the snow fall. It was oddly reminiscent of another time on an airship, although the atmosphere was entirely different now.

 

The worst had already come to pass, and the snow still fell.

 

“Kallu.”

 

He looked around the wall to see Alluka’s head already poking out.

 

“We should make paper snowflakes,” she said with a grin.

 

Kalluto certainly wasn’t opposed. “Okay.”

 

They migrated to the living room floor, and after gathering a stack of paper along with two pairs of scissors, they set to work.

 

He decided to make a chain that could go across the living room from wall to wall. It was fairly simple work to find a way to neatly and securely link the snowflakes together without using any tape, though he still took pleasure in the process.

 

“Holy crap,” Alluka said, staring wide-eyed at his chain of snowflakes as he stood to affix it to the walls. “That’s so cool! How did you do that?”

 

Kalluto half-shrugged, turning away to focus on his task. He didn’t want to drop any pins. “It’s quite easy.” He didn’t know how to explain his methods well, to be honest…or maybe it was Alluka’s effusive praise that made it difficult to gather his thoughts. Even after all this time, he still wasn’t used to it.

 

He made another chain next, which came together faster than the first, and hung this one up over the kitchen. Meanwhile, Alluka kept steadily working away on a variety of odd-looking snowflakes, some of which appeared more like faces. When he pointed that out, she beamed.

 

“Yeah! Guess who this one is?”

 

Kalluto had absolutely no idea. “...Killua?”

 

“No, it’s you, silly!”

 

Kalluto looked at the snowflake again, but for the life of him he couldn’t tell how it was meant to resemble him. Maybe those are meant to be bangs…?

 

When Alluka was finished, she’d made one for each of them, along with Nanika. Her paper cutting skills weren’t on-par with her drawing skills, that was for sure. Though at least the Nanika one he could guess correctly, that creature’s face being fairly distinct. 

 

After taping her strange snowflakes high up on the windows and across the walls, Alluka sighed loudly. “I don’t know what to do now…”

 

“Read a book,” Kalluto suggested.

 

His hands had started folding paper automatically, and he looked down to see himself halfway through a paper crane. 

 

Huh.

 

Kalluto had become so accustomed to using paper as a weapon that it felt a little odd to simply be making an origami crane. He honestly couldn’t recall the last time he’d played with paper just for fun. As he’d gotten better at his Nen, he’d fallen out of the habit.

 

He finished the crane and set it aside, starting a new one.

 

“Gon and Killua are taking forever with grocery shopping,” Alluka complained, bouncing up and down slightly. “They probably got distracted by something…hey, that’s a nice crane!”

 

“Oh. Thanks.”

 

“Can you show me how to make one?”

 

“...Okay.”

Kalluto had never taught anyone to make origami before, but Alluka proved to be a quick learner. While her first crane was quite frankly awful, her second one was acceptable, and the third was fairly decent. 

 

“This is fun!” Alluka enthused. “I see why you like it so much.”

 

It was fun…somehow, he’d forgotten how much he enjoyed origami. There was a simple satisfaction in creation that felt entirely different from the sick thrill of drawing blood with paper. He thought he might like this better, actually. 

 

They both looked up at the sound of footsteps in the hall, and then the door opened, spilling Gon and Killua into the apartment. Both were weighed down with bags, snow dusted on their shoulders and sliding off their hair as it melted in the warmth of the apartment.

 

“We’re home!” Gon exclaimed unnecessarily.

 

“Looks like you two have been busy,” Killua commented, eyebrows raised as he took in the snowflakes decorating the living room. There were…quite a number of them. Kalluto hadn’t realized just how many they’d made until now.

 

“This is amazing!” Gon said with a grin. “It’s so pretty in here now.”

 

“Thanks!” Alluka said, beaming back at him. “Come look at these ones I made, they’re portraits of us!”

 

Killua grabbed onto Gon’s shoulder as he started to head over. “Oh no you don’t. You’re helping me put away the groceries first.”

 

“Right!”

 

After they’d finished with that, Killua and Gon joined them in the living room.

 

“Can you show me how to make these?” Gon asked Kalluto as soon as he’d sat down, picking up one of Alluka’s cranes to admire it.

 

“Sure,” Kalluto agreed.

 

Gon picked up the skill even faster than Alluka had, and then the two of them began some sort of competition to see who could make the ‘best crane’, or something like that. Kalluto was focused on his own work, so he tuned them out.

 

Having grown tired of cranes, he moved on to other animals, making herons, tigers, frogs, and then dragons. He was so focused on his work, he didn’t even notice Killua trying to get his attention until his brother jabbed his shoulder.

 

A month ago, his claws would’ve been out; now, he only startled slightly.

 

“Show me how to make a dragon,” Killua demanded—not an ask, an order.

 

Kalluto leveled him with a skeptical look. “Have you ever tried origami before?”

 

“I mean, no, but how hard can it be?”

 

Kalluto had to look up at the ceiling to prevent himself from laughing right in his brother’s face; not that Killua would get angry, but he didn’t want to give the game away.

 

“Sure,” he agreed. “I’ll show you.”

 

To Kalluto’s delight, Killua was most assuredly not a natural at origami.

 

“What the fuck,” he said in dismay, staring down at the crumpled figure in his hands with an almost distraught expression. “That is not a dragon.”

 

“Maybe it’s a dead dragon,” Gon proposed, looking like he was trying very hard not to laugh.

 

“A dragon that got run over by a semi truck,” Alluka added.

 

Her and Gon looked at each other, and then they burst into hysterical laughter.

 

“You guys are the worst,” Killua said, exasperated. Turning to Kalluto, he added, “It seems you’re the only one I can trust, Kalluto.”

 

The pressure in his chest was already too much, and Killua’s earnest words were the last straw. A fit of silent laughter exploded from his chest, and he could hardly breathe. While that wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation, for the first time it wasn’t unwelcome.

 

When they’d all managed to calm down, Kalluto said, “Next time, try starting with a crane. Dragons are very difficult, they’re not suited for beginners.”

 

“Hey, why didn’t you say that earlier?”

 

Kalluto decided to answer honestly. “You needed to be humbled. Origami isn’t easy.”

 

For whatever reason, that set Gon and Alluka off again. 

 

Watching them double over in laughter, Kalluto felt…oddly satisfied. There was a strange kind of warmth in his chest. He’d never realized it could feel this good to make people laugh—he’d always considered it juvenile to act like a clown for the amusement of others, but now he could see the appeal.

 

“I’ll show you how to make a crane now,” he offered. “If you want.”

 

Killua shook his head. “I think I’ll leave the origami to you.” Unexpectedly, he smiled. “You know, I only thought it was easy because you make it look so effortless. You’re pretty amazing at this, Kalluto.”

 

Kalluto was too taken off-guard to muster a reply, and by the time he thought of one, Killua was already talking to Gon. And that was fine; Killua had handed out the compliment freely, with no expectation of a response.

 

They all returned to folding paper, aside from Killua, who seemed content to watch the rest of them work. Alluka moved on from cranes to flowers, while Gon made a small army of frogs, the best of which he gave to Killua with a bright smile. 

 

“Isn’t he cute?”

 

“It’s a very nice piece of paper,” Killua said, deadpan.

 

“I think it’s cute!” Alluka said.

 

“At least someone appreciates my efforts.”

 

“Isn’t it about time you went to the kitchen?” Killua said, poking Gon’s shoulder. “You’ve got shit to do, remember?”

 

“Oh, yeah!” Gon brightened, jumping to his feet with enthusiasm. “I can’t believe I forgot!”

 

Kalluto blinked, looking from his siblings to Gon. He had the distinct feeling there was something he was missing. “What are you making?”

 

“Uh, food!” Gon said quickly. “Don’t worry about it!” He ran to the kitchen before Kalluto could question that vague response. 

 

Suspicious…

 

“What a weirdo,” Alluka said, shaking her head. “Hey, we should watch a movie!” 

 

She looked pointedly at Killua, who said, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

 

It wasn’t as if Kalluto had any other plans; the full extent of his social circle consisted of the people in this apartment. Moreover, it was freezing outside, so he didn’t feel like going out into the snow. He supposed a movie would be a nice way to spend the afternoon.

 

Except…“I’m not watching another rom com.”

 

“That’s fine!” Alluka said. “Actually, how about you choose today?”

 

Kalluto eyed her with suspicion. “You never let me choose which movie…what’s going on?”

 

“We’re just being good older siblings,” Killua said. “What’s weird about that?”

 

Kalluto shook his head and let it go in favor of scrolling through the options. Since they’d seriously never let him pick, he didn’t have a good idea of where to begin, or even what genre. No romance didn’t narrow it down much…perhaps a documentary would be fun? 

 

Oh, this movie looks interesting.

 

“I’d like to watch The Silent Killer.”

 

“Ah, that’s a horror movie…which is fine,” Alluka said hastily. “Horror movies are fun.”

 

“Are you scared?” Killua teased.

 

“No way! It’s just fiction.”

 

Forty minutes in, Alluka was half-hiding behind Killua on the couch, peeking out at the screen through her hands. “Oh, I don’t like this…I really don’t…”

 

“Baby,” Killua scoffed, but he still ran a comforting hand along her shoulder. “Take a nap, then. Maybe Nanika will like the movie better.”

 

“That’s a good idea, actually.”

 

Alluka closed her eyes, and as they watched, her skin grew paler. Nanika opened her eyes a moment later and smiled at them.

 

“Hey Nanika.”

 

“Hi brother,” she said, and to Kalluto: “Hi, little brother.”

 

Kalluto had long since given up on correcting Nanika on that point. In the end, what did it matter that a terrifying Dark Continent creature considered him family? Theoretically, it was better to have Nanika on his side in the event of any future danger. By now, he wasn’t really afraid of her anymore…it appeared that she really was harmless, for the most part.

 

“Hello,” he replied, and that eerie grin grew even wider.

 

Nanika seemed to enjoy the movie, if her rapt attention to the screen and occasional hand clap were any indication. Maybe the monstrous side of her was drawn to all the poorly-depicted gore.

 

And it was terribly done.

 

“These special effects are beyond awful,” Killua complained at one point, shaking his head. “It kind of hurts to look at, from an assassin perspective.”

 

“True,” Kalluto agreed. “The blood-spray doesn’t make any sense. And the amount of blood is unrealistic, as well…there’s enough there for at least two people.”

 

“I’d say three. So sloppy…they really should’ve consulted someone with experience in killing.”

 

That was an interesting idea. “Like a Zoldyck?”

 

“Ha, Milluki would probably love a job like that. It’d be perfect for his lazy ass.”

 

“You’d like it too.”

 

“You calling me lazy?” Killua accused with fake-swagger.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Fair enough. A job like that would actually be a pretty sweet gig…maybe I should look into it.”

 

Nanika fell asleep near the end of the movie, and Alluka woke up as the credits rolled. 

 

“Yay, I feel all refreshed,” she yawned, stretching her arms. “Did I miss anything good, guys?”

 

“Nah, it pretty much sucked,” Killua said.

 

“The special effects were bad and the plot was even worse,” Kalluto elaborated.

 

“Really? But you’re both smiling.”

 

So he was. Despite the objectively bad movie, he’d still had a good time, all because of who he’d been watching it with. It was strange…just a couple months ago, he never would’ve imagined watching a movie with Killua and bantering all the way through. Even talking to his brother had felt like a distant dream back then.

 

And all it took to achieve that dream…was losing Illumi.

 

It was stupid to wish that Illumi could have watched the movie with them. Even if he’d somehow lived, there was simply no scenario in which Killua could ever be at ease around their older brother, let alone allow his presence around Alluka.

 

How counterproductive, how cruel, for his heart to wish for something that could never be.

 

“Are you okay?” Alluka asked him now.

 

Her concern washed away the bitter feeling, and he managed a small smile. “I’m fine.”

 

The sound of rapid footsteps was the only warning before Gon barreled into the living room, a grin on his face. “Dinner’s ready!”

 

Gon had made sushi and miso soup and roasted vegetables, all of it delicious. 

 

“Ahh, that was so good,” Alluka sighed as they were finishing up. “Thank you, Gon!”

 

“You’re very welcome!”

 

“Killua.” Alluka pointed at their brother, her face falling into a serious expression. “You can’t ever break up with him. Got it?”

 

“Damn, there go my weekend plans,” Killua deadpanned. Gon still looked mildly concerned for a second, before Killua leaned over to poke his face. “I’m not going anywhere, idiot.”

 

Wonderful, now they were staring sappily at each other again. 

 

Kalluto exchanged a look with Alluka, who then pointedly cleared her throat. “Hey, isn’t it time for dessert?”

 

“Oh, yes it is!”

 

“I’m doing the dishes first,” Kalluto said, standing up to start clearing the table. 

 

Alluka jumped up right after him. “No! I’ll do them tonight.”

 

If her behavior earlier had been slightly odd, this was incredibly out of character.

 

“You hate doing the dishes,” Kalluto said, staring her down. “Every time you even have to clean a fork, you whine about it.”

 

“I’ve…had a change of heart.” It was an incredibly unconvincing act, and they all knew it. Still, she persisted. “Go on,” she said, waving him off. “Me and Killua got the kitchen tonight.”

 

Kalluto didn’t care enough to argue, though it felt strange to be returning to the living room without having fulfilled his usual duty. 

 

Gon came with him, each of them claiming an armchair. Almost immediately, Gon launched into a story about his time with Killua on Greed Island. It was entertaining enough to hear about his brother’s apparent gambling problem, but Kalluto had the nagging sense he was being handled.

 

“What is this really about?” He asked eventually, interrupting Gon’s rambling.

 

“Uh, well,” Gon started to say. “The thing is…”

 

As a glow began to emanate from the hallway, Gon stopped even trying to make excuses, turning to look at the light with relief. Kalluto frowned, following his gaze. As Killua came around the corner, it became clear that the glow was emanating from candles arranged on a cake he was carrying. There were fifteen of them, and finally he realized what was going on.

 

“Happy birthday, Kalluto!” Alluka cheered, popping up from behind Killua. In the next moment, she set off two poppers, sending confetti everywhere, including toward the cake.

 

Killua quickly lifted the plate up over his head and sent her a scolding look. “Are you trying to start a fire?”

 

“Whoops, sorry!”

 

Kalluto hadn’t lost track of the days—he’d just forgotten about his birthday. Truly, it hadn’t seemed relevant. It wasn’t like the Zoldcyks had ever made much ceremony about it. He was used to receiving a special lesson on birthdays, and perhaps a gift from Kikyo.

 

Fortunately, there was no singing—he would’ve hated that. The cake was brought over without further fuss. Up close it looked different than he’d expected. Was it even a cake?

 

“What is this?” He asked.

 

“Key lime pie,” Gon said, with a hint of smugness. “From the good bakery down the street.”

 

Kalluto had never had that desert before, but the last time they’d been to that bakery, his eye had been caught by the odd green dessert. As he was fond of citrus fruit, it seemed quite appealing. Evidently, Alluka had picked up on his interest.

 

“You’re welcome,” Alluka whispered, nudging his arm—her voice held more than a hint of smugness, though he found it to be deserved. She’d been observant and thoughtful enough to mention it to the others, just so they could surprise him. 

 

“Thanks,” he said softly. Feeling slightly unmoored, he turned his gaze to the candles.

 

For a moment, he didn’t know what to do, but then he remembered what he’d seen in a couple of the movies they’d watched recently. Under everyone’s expectant eyes, he leaned forward and blew the candles out, as was apparently the custom.

 

“Did you make a wish?” Killua asked suddenly.

 

Kalluto…hadn’t thought to do so. 

 

It wasn’t as if he could wish for Illumi to return…and what else could he possibly wish for? 

 

For everything to return to normal? Returning home wouldn’t make that happen, not when Illumi was gone, and not after he’d come to realize certain things. The simple past was gone, and he couldn’t return to it. Kukuroo mountain wasn’t his home anymore.

 

And yet, Kalluto knew with a sick certainty that their mother hadn’t been wrong; Illumi would be disappointed in him for leaving.

 

I’m sorry, Illumi, he thought. I know this isn’t the life you wanted for me, but I can’t go back. It wouldn’t be home without you, and everything is different now…there is no way to return to what was.

 

Kalluto had always been surrounded by death, but that was the life of a Zoldyck. He’d been used to it, even enjoyed it, until everything had gone wrong. Ever since the Dark Continent, something had been wrong, like vines underneath his skin, twisting around his lungs and slowly choking the life out of him. 

 

He knew somehow that if he returned home to the darkness inside the mountain, he’d eventually become a living corpse just like Illumi had.

 

Kalluto wouldn’t submit to that fate. 

 

He’d stay here instead, in the light, in this warm apartment where the vines couldn’t creep in. In this place where he was surrounded by life and laughter, rather than echoing reminders of absence. He wanted to live, even if it hurt. 

 

Even if it meant that everything would change.

 

“There’s nothing that I need,” he said, and it was the truth.

Notes:

And that’s a wrap! Hope y’all enjoyed the Alluka & Kalluto family fluff (I played myself, now I need to see them interact in canon so bad,,,,,). Honestly this chapter exists because I needed to write more of them, and also include a little more Milluki + Nanika.

For those curious, Kalluto’s birthday here is 2/22, to fit both the birthday pattern in HxH and the timeline in this fic.

A lot more I could say but I’m not gonna ramble. Drop a comment if you want and I will talk forever in the reply, because I’m obsessed with these guys <3

As always, thanks for reading!

Notes:

I’m so excited to finally be posting this!!!!!

Kalluto is a fascinating character to me, and writing this fic just made me like him more. Fucked up little guy…it’s also so much fun to write him and Killua not understanding each other.

This was written as part of the 2025 Hunter x Hunter big bang, so shoutout to that event! It’s been a lot of fun and sometimes confusing. And a big THANK YOU to the artists who collaborated with me on this, you can find them on tumblr as toxicagarian and laurearte! They did amazing work, thank you both so much!