End of the Innocent

by St_Minority

Summary:

Alastor and Lucifer's relationship is put to the test when tragic loss threatens to tear them apart.

Chapter 1

Notes:

One day, I had the random idea while driving, "I'd like to try a Lucifer mpreg."
And here we are.
But of course I have to pour on the angst because they just can't be happy to be happy 😭

****
Waiting was unbearable. It had been hours of switching between sitting in one of the chairs or laying on the floor. Hours with few updates on his status other than “He’s still sleeping. Vitals are stable for now.”

Vaggie, Husk, and Angel did their best to support Charlie through it all, offering shoulders to cry on and hugs to give.

Going into the sixth hour of being in the private hospital waiting room, one of the nurses came out and announced, “He’s waking up if you’d like to go in.”

Knowing that Alastor was still deeply in mourning on his own, Charlie stood up, clenched her hands into fists at her sides, and bore an expression of serious resolve. As Lucifer’s daughter, she felt and knew it was her duty to be the one to deliver the news in Alastor’s absence.

The room had been kept intentionally dim to provide a soothing ambience for whenever Lucifer awoke. As Charlie stepped closer to the bed, she could see his eyes were only halfway open, still very much carrying the appearance of someone who was exhausted beyond all comprehension and ready to fall asleep again at any moment.

“Hey dad,” she whispered and took a seat in the chair at his bedside.

Allowing his tired eyes to focus on his company, Lucifer smiled and murmured, “Hey sweetie. I’m so happy to see you.”
Taking the hand that didn’t have the IV needle stuck in the top of it, she asked, “How are you feeling? I hope you’ve been able to get some good rest!” she finished with a nervous giggle.
“Yeah. I think they got me well drugged,” he joked with a smile. He glanced at his other arm that had another needle in it and added, “Hooked me up with morphine. I can see why people like the stuff.”
“I’m really glad you’re okay. It was scary. You lost so much blood….”
“Luckily or unluckily for me, I can’t be killed very easily,” he replied with a sly smile.
“Heh heh, yeah!”
“Where’s Elsie? And Alastor? I’d love to see them.”

It was only now that Charlie felt her nerves skyrocket and her throat close up. This was it – the moment she was dreading and had no clue what to say.

“Well….” she began carefully, “it was a rough labor, as you know.”
“The worst,” Lucifer agreed. “I’m so glad your mother didn’t have to endure one like that with you.”
“Oh, that’s good! I mean, I hate that you had to go through it, but….”

She knew she was stalling. It was all she could do to keep herself from breaking down.

Taking a deep breath and lightly patting the top of his hand, she said, “Dad….Alastor has Elsie right now.”
“Oh good! Can they come in? Or is she sleeping?”
Tears sprang to Charlie’s eyes. “Yeah, she’s, um, sleeping.”
Seeing her eyes glisten, Lucifer asked in a tone that revealed his dread. “Did something happen? Is something wrong?”
“….Alastor has her because….because she never woke up,” Charlie finished with a struggle. The obvious confusion written on Lucifer’s face forced her to elaborate bluntly, “She didn’t survive. By the time they could pull her from you, she was already gone.” Watching the tears swell rapidly in her father’s eyes, she breathed, “I’m so sorry, dad.”

----****----
….Seven months ago….

“’Hey, Al. Remember that one time when we wanted to be adventurous and try something new? Well, guess what?! We’re gonna be reminded of it forever now!’ No, that makes it sound bad. How about, ‘Hey Al! Remember when we first met and you threw it in my face how Charlie could call you dad too? Now you get an actual kid of your own!’ Ugh, no, that one sucks too!”

Lucifer sighed, took a seat on the bench in the garden behind the house, and rested his head in his hands.

“Why can’t I just say, ‘Al….I’m pregnant’?”

Because I’m scared shitless. How the fuck was I supposed to know I could get knocked up?! The ONE time we fool around and want to see what it’d feel like if I shapeshifted to have female junk, I get pregnant.

“Judging by your expression, should I sit down as well for whatever this news is?”

Lucifer’s head snapped up at the sound of Alastor’s voice and he jumped to his feet. Putting on a big, nervous grin, he assured, “It’s nothing serious, I swear! I mean, I guess it kind of is because it could change things a LOT, but it’s not bad. Although, maybe you’d think it’s bad. Me?” He laughed uneasily and admitted, “Could be a bit of both! Except, it could-”
Alastor smiled amusedly and took Lucifer gently by the shoulders, eased him back down to sit on the bench, and encouraged, “Deep breath, my dear.” They took one together, and once they slowly exhaled, he asked, “Now, tell me what has got you in such a tizzy.”
Lucifer glanced away, unable to look Alastor in the eyes, and swallowed. There was a slight pause as he mustered the courage and willed the words to come. “Al….I’m….I’m pregnant.”

Even without seeing Alastor’s face, he knew the radio demon was staring at him in total shock.

Deciding to get ahead of all the questions, he explained, “You know how we thought it’d be fun and kinky for me to shapeshift so we could find out if sex felt better with female parts? Well, wouldn’t you know! It was enough to make a kid, even though I’ve been back to my normal body ever since.” Stealing a peek at Alastor, he grew worried from how Alastor was now staring at the ground. “I can get rid of it!” he offered hastily, taking Alastor’s hands in his to hold as if pleading with him not to leave him. “Whatever you want! You just say the word and POOF! Gone! Whatever will make you happy!....I’m….sorry. This is a lot. If I’d known this could happen, I wouldn’t-”

Alastor squeezed his hands, and Lucifer got the hint to stop talking.

“This is….quite the surprise!” Alastor admitted, and Lucifer was relieved to hear the lightheartedness in his tone rather than ridicule. “May I ask you something?”
Lucifer nodded eagerly. “Yeah yeah! Of course! Anything!”
“Do you want to abort it?”
Lucifer’s mouth fell open, clearly stunned by the question. “Well, I….I, um….I haven’t given much thought to it, honestly. I just….don’t want this to ruin things between us and was afraid this might cause unnecessary stress. I haven’t felt this close to someone since Lilith, and….I just don’t want to fuck it up,” he ended in a whisper.
“You’d be surprised what I can put up with and not consider things ruined,” Alastor assured with a smile, causing Lucifer to reflect the gesture back at him. “As you know, my pathetic excuse for a father was never much of one to me. It’s funny how I have the opportunity now in my afterlife to correct that for a child of my own. I would be honored if you went through with having it, as long as it’s what you desire as well.”

Lucifer stared at Alastor for a moment before tears welled in his eyes. With an overjoyed grin, a chuckle, and a nod, he said excitedly, “Yes! Let’s fucking do this! Charlie is going to be ecstatic when she learns she’s going to be a big sister!”

****
….Present….

There was a lamp in the far corner of the room that was turned on low, just bright enough for Alastor to discern that Lucifer was awake. His head was turned to face the wall, his eyes staring unblinkingly at it, and Alastor had never seen him so physically depleted and emotionally empty. He was grateful Charlie had been the one to break the news to her father; even now, despite it being hours later after the death of their daughter, he knew he wouldn’t be able to say the words.

“Luci?” he voiced softly as he crossed over to him.

Instead of taking a seat in the chair beside the bed, he opted for sitting on the bed itself to be as close as possible to his partner. Lucifer’s hand was limp when he took it in his to hold, and there was no reaction when he affectionately caressed his cheek.

“It’s a relief to see you awake. I was worried….” He stopped himself from finishing the sentence; he couldn’t bring himself to vocalize the fear he’d had of losing Lucifer too. “Have you eaten? Or perhaps a drink? Anything I can get you, darling?”
No response, not even a blink.
“Lucifer?….” Alastor bit his now quivering lip and fought to keep himself from crying. “Please talk to me….Please look at me.”

There was no indication Lucifer heard the heartbroken, whispered pleas.

A couple of tears raced down Alastor’s cheek as the silence swallowed him. He’d expected Lucifer to be an absolute wreck – which he was – but openly and visibly so; this current state of disassociation and detachment was something he couldn’t have, and wasn’t, prepared for.

Pausing to take a deep breath, he hoped his next statements would illicit some type of reaction from the other man.

“I was told you haven’t had the chance to see her yet. Would you like me to-”
“No.”
The word was almost inaudible; it had Alastor wondering if he imagined it. “Pardon? Did you-”
“No,” Lucifer repeated. His voice was extremely weak and hoarse, but it had just enough more strength to it this time for Alastor to hear him clearly.
Alastor felt his stomach drop in shock; it was unfathomable to him that Lucifer wouldn’t want to see the child he’d carried, loved, and gave birth to after nine long months. “No?” Realizing Lucifer probably needed more rest before holding her, he agreed, “You’re right, I’m sorry. You should be focusing on recovery for now, and then-”
“Al, stop. Enough,” Lucifer whispered exasperatedly.
“Luci-”
“I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to hold it. Do whatever you want with it. Just leave me out of it.”

Alastor felt his heart shattering all over again. He stared at his lover with wide eyes, refusing to believe Lucifer was referring to their baby girl as “it” instead of “her” – as if erasing her from ever existing.

Feeling his face flush from the sudden rush of anger, Alastor said firmly, “Elsie.”

The sound of her name jarred Lucifer enough to turn his head and look at Alastor for the first time.

Alastor blinked, allowing a few tears to fall, and asserted, “Her name is Elsie.”

The all-too familiar symptoms of a significant panic attack, combined with profound rage, erupted inside of Lucifer, and it manifested outwardly with the appearance of his horns and his eyes changing colors. Even with this blatant warning to tread very carefully with his next words, Alastor refused to back down.

“Get out,” Lucifer growled menacingly.
“She’s our daughter and she’s beautiful,” Alastor went on boldly.
“OUT.”
“We gave her a name, and you can’t deny her existence.”
“GET OUT!” Lucifer shouted as he devolved into hysterics. Alastor dodged a fireball aimed directly at him and continued to avoid them as he made his way toward the door. With Lucifer repeatedly screaming the words and setting the room on fire, it didn’t take long at all for a slew of nurses to race in to both calm Lucifer down and put out the flames.

At the sight of Alastor coming out into the waiting room, Charlie rushed to him and anxiously asked, “Are you okay?! What happened?! Is he okay?!”
Alastor could feel himself shaking now, yet forced his traditional smile and said, “I’m alright, my dear. Think I’ll return to the hotel and get some shut eye. Are you staying here?”
Charlie nodded. “I don’t want to leave him alone. I’ll let you know if anything happens.” Without a second thought, she threw her arms around him and murmured, “Please take care of yourself, Alastor. I’m so sorry.”
Despite being initially stunned by the gesture, Alastor returned the hug after brief hesitation, welcoming and accepting the comfort. “Thank you. Please do the same for yourself.”

Notes:

I'd like to show more of what happens after Lucifer returns home and how he and Alastor have to cope with the loss. I'm hoping people find this good enough to warrant continuing....

I would love to know what you think but also scared 0_0

Chapter 2

Notes:

So hard to write this kind of grief 😭

****
Two days had passed since the birth of Elsie with minimal change in Lucifer’s condition. He slept most hours, and the hours he was awake, he refused to eat or drink and barely spoke. Charlie was by his side most of the time, hoping with everything she had that he would ask to hold his child. Each day, Alastor returned to the hospital to be with their daughter, and the only reason he didn’t leave with her was his hope that Lucifer would change his mind too.

During the complicated delivery, the blood that Lucifer lost was collected as a precaution, and he ended up receiving a blood transfusion with it when his levels didn’t improve; demon blood had been considered, but erring on the side of caution, they utilized his own angelic blood instead.

Not until the fifth day did Lucifer finally have the strength to get up from the bed. With the help of Charlie and a fellow nurse, they kept hold of him as he walked to the door and back to the bed. The short distance was enough to exhaust him. After a few more periodic trips back and forth, he began to use a walker to manage moving around the room on his own and occasionally down the hall.

Currently seated in a rocking recliner, Lucifer held Charlie’s hand, who was sitting in a chair beside him, and dozed off every now and then. He’d been adamant about not wanting to see Alastor again, though Charlie clung to the belief that she could convince him to finally hold his daughter in Alastor’s absence. It was too heartbreaking for her to imagine her father never seeing what the beautiful creation he’d made with Alastor looked like.

“Dad?” she began gently to get his attention.
Lucifer opened his tired eyes and smiled at her. “Yeah, kiddo?”
“I, um….I’ve been doing a lot of thinking….I love you, dad, and….It really hurts to see you hurting….” Tears came to her eyes as he glanced away to stare at his lap. “And I’d hate for you to go the rest of eternity without ever knowing what she looks like.”
“Charlie-”
“Please, just listen. I know you’re devastated. I know it’s hard. But I’m right here. I don’t want this to be something you regret. No matter what happens, she’s still part of our family. My little sister….Your baby girl….”
Lucifer shook his head before resting it in his hand. “Charlie, I can’t,” he whispered. “It’s my fault she’s dead.”
“That’s not true!”
“My body failed her. I failed her. Maybe if I’d gotten here sooner-”
“Dad, don’t say that. Thinking like that will only hurt you more. Nobody thinks you failed her. Alastor certainly doesn’t think that. And right now, he just wants you to forgive yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong.”

She put her arm around him and drew him close into a hug. He freely wept in his daughter’s embrace, wishing he could believe her words.

Two hours later, Lucifer was still sitting in the recliner, and Charlie was coming back into the room with Elsie bundled in blankets. Lucifer appeared absolutely terrified and was having a moderate panic attack as she approached.

“I don’t think I can do this,” he forced out. “I can’t do this.” Tears streamed down his face as he begged, “Please don’t make me do this. Please take her away.”
“Dad, I’ll be right here. It doesn’t have to be for very long. It’s okay….She just looks very peaceful.”
“Charlie, please….please don’t make me do this.”

The way in which her father stared at her, eyes wide and filled with tears, and the sound of his frail, pained voice had Charlie significantly second-guessing if this was the right thing to do. It broke her heart to see him so fragile and vulnerable.

“How about I just hold her for a bit and then you can decide,” she offered, sitting in the chair next to him. “Do you want to see her?”

The blanket had been pulled down to cover the child’s face in case it was too distressing for Lucifer. From the corner of her eye, she could see him summoning the courage to look over. After almost ten minutes, his head was fully turned to stare at the bundle in his daughter’s arms.

Taking this as the perfect opportunity, she coaxed, “Ready?”
Lucifer visibly swallowed and then nodded his head.

Slowly, Charlie lifted the blanket from Elsie’s face, and immediately, Lucifer broke down into sobs. He could barely see his baby through the many tears, yet he could clearly tell she was made by him and Alastor. She had his rosy dots on her cheeks but Alastor’s darker skin tone. Her hair was mostly blonde with red streaks throughout, and on the top of her head were tiny, curved horns like Alastor. What he couldn’t see were her fingertips that were red like Alastor’s too, but her hooves were white and red like his.

“She’s so cute, isn’t she?” Charlie asked quietly.
Lucifer nodded with a whimper. The agony he felt was unbearable.
“You took such good care of her while she was growing. I promise she knew how much you and Alastor loved her.”

Lucifer buried his face in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably. He thought he knew what it was to feel pain. Nothing could’ve prepared him for the loss of a child.

With her free hand, Charlie soothingly rubbed her father’s back and silently cried herself. Witnessing him like this tore her apart.

An hour passed before she heard the words she yearned to hear.

“Can I hold her?”

Charlie beamed happily and nodded ecstatically. She got up and carefully passed Elsie to her dad, who took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head before pressing his cheek against her soft hair.

“Hi, sweetie,” he whispered between his hiccupped breaths. “Hi, Elsie….I’m so sorry….I’m so sorry….I love you….I love you, sweetie….”

While it was beyond difficult for Charlie to witness this moment, she was also extremely grateful for it. Discreetly, she took out her phone and snapped a photo of her dad and his baby girl; even if he never saw the picture, she had a hunch that Alastor would consider it a tremendous gift to have it just as she did.

As Lucifer gently rocked in the chair, he eventually pushed aside the blankets until he found one of her little hands to grasp. He smiled and let out a giggle amid his ceaseless tears as he touched her tiny fingers.

“So small,” he commented with the first hint of happiness in his voice in days. “So cute….Just like Alastor’s hands….”

Charlie was quick to get another picture of this moment because his expression was temporarily lit up with joy rather than debilitating grief.

“She definitely belongs to you and Al, that’s for sure!” Charlie agreed and sat in the chair beside him once again.
“Yeah….She looks so much like him….”
“Makes you wonder which one of you she would’ve taken after personality-wise.”
Lucifer legitimately laughed at this. “I’d be in trouble if she took after him.”

He snuggled his face against Elsie’s and quietly started to hum a lullaby. Between the rocking, the melody, and the emotional and physical exhaustion he felt, it wasn’t long at all before he rested his head back and closed his eyes. Rather than taking Elsie from him, Charlie got a blanket and loosely draped it over him from the waist-down.

Doting a kiss onto Elsie’s forehead and his, she whispered, “Sleep tight, dad. I love you.”

****
It was late at night when Alastor crept into the dimly lit room. Charlie had told him the exceptional news, and he was moved to tears the moment his eyes landed on his partner to take it in for himself.

Lucifer was still sleeping in the recliner with Elsie cradled lovingly in his arms. It meant everything to Alastor to see this.

He crossed the area and sat in the chair next to Lucifer, petted the other man’s hair affectionately, and felt such overwhelming delight bursting within him. He’d lost all hope for Lucifer acknowledging the existence of their daughter; he couldn’t be more grateful from seeing Lucifer actually holding her.

Lucifer released a heavy sigh before his eyes slowly opened. He tiredly glanced around the area, and when his gaze landed on Alastor, tears instantly flooded his vision and his lips quivered.

“Hi, darling,” Alastor whispered tenderly. “I’m so thrilled you two have finally met one another.”

It was impossible for Lucifer to verbalize anything, leaving him to emit nothing more than a choked noise and close his eyes.

Wiping away the tears softly from his partner’s face, Alastor murmured, “I’m very proud of you….We’ll make it through this. You are deeply loved, my dear.”

Notes:

No idea where this is going from here, but I'm hoping to keep at it

Chapter 3

****
Ten whole days after Elsie had been born, Lucifer was cleared to go home. He was still tremendously weak but ready to be away from the place where his daughter had died….away from her altogether….

Or so he thought.

As he held onto Alastor and walked into the bedroom, he instantly felt sick to his stomach from a mixture of both anxiety and anger. It wasn’t the many sympathy cards, fake flowers, or the large box of special colorful cotton candy from Bee that upset him. It was the crib they’d readied for her arrival that remained mere feet away from the bed with a swaddled object lying in it that he could only assume was her that sparked a panic attack.

Hearing Lucifer’s breathing quicken and feeling his nails dig into his arm, Alastor assured politely, “It’s alright-”
“No it’s not,” Lucifer snapped, his horns sprouting. “Why is that still in here? What is she doing here?”
“We can talk about-”
“No. I want it gone. Everything.”
With no energy for an argument, Alastor gave in. “I’ll take care of it. For now, would you like to shower? A bath?”
“Bath.”

Alastor escorted him to the adjoining bathroom and helped him to undress and step into the tub filled with bubbly hot water.

“If you need anything, just call for me.”
Lucifer nodded before closing his eyes and sinking down under the water.

With Lucifer situated, Alastor returned to the bedroom to follow through with respecting his lover’s wishes. As he rolled the crib towards the door, his own heart was breaking. He would’ve cherished Elsie being close by like they’d looked forward to for so long. Many nights over the course of the last several months, he found himself lying awake – smiling at the sight of Lucifer sleeping beside him with the ever-growing baby bump – and imagining what their lives were going to be like once Elsie was born, excited for the unexpected chance to be a father in his afterlife.

And now here he was – removing her from the space where she was supposed to be: with them. Together as a family.

He pushed aside the thought to keep himself from losing it completely and took Elsie to the bedroom next to them; if she couldn’t be in their bedroom, she could at least be right next door.

Taking a seat on the bed facing the crib, he sighed, closed his eyes, and massaged his temples.

“I’m so sorry, little angel,” he uttered quietly. “He’s….having a difficult time. But I assure you, he loves you just as much as I do.”

For almost half an hour, he sat in silence while staring at his deceased daughter lying in her crib….

Lucifer’s hand tightly grasped his own as they eagerly watched the monitor screen. Neither knew what they were looking at, but the doctor didn’t have to search long before the ultrasound revealed the information they couldn’t wait to hear.

“It’s a girl!”

Lucifer audibly gasped and was grinning ear to ear. Delightedly, he turned his head to see Alastor’s reaction. Tears came to his own eyes at the sight of obvious emotion Alastor was trying to downplay, and he affectionately kissed the radio demon’s hand.

“We’re gonna have a little girl,” he whispered happily.
Finally finding his voice, Alastor joked, “Are you up for the challenge of raising another one? I’ve heard horror stories about teenage girls.”
Lucifer chuckled. “Absolutely! Lilith and I were blessed with Charlie turning out fine! I can’t wait to do it all over again with you.”

Heaving a sigh and deciding it would probably be a good idea to check on Lucifer, he got to his feet and sauntered down the hallway to the master bedroom. He was just in time to hear a *thud* followed by a curt, “SHIT,” prompting him to quicken his pace to the bathroom. He found Lucifer sopping wet on the floor and struggling to sit up.

Rushing to his side and placing an arm around him, Alastor said, “Let me help you.”
“I can do it,” Lucifer argued hotly.
“Nonsense. I wish you would’ve called for me.”
“It’s FINE,” Lucifer insisted, his temper rising.
“Are you hurt? Let me-”
Lucifer irritably swatted Alastor’s arm away and shouted, “I’M FINE! IT’S FINE! I CAN DO IT MYSELF.”

Alastor pulled back, obviously wounded. When he finally spoke, it was in a gentle, yet firm voice.

“It’s not fine. I’m not fine. None of this is fine. And you don’t need to pretend to be fine.”

Lucifer, recognizing his inexcusable behavior towards his partner, bowed his head and covered his face with his hand as tears overwhelmed him. “I’m sorry,” he murmured regretfully. “I’m sorry….”
A towel appeared in Alastor’s hands, and he draped it across the other man’s shoulders before bringing him close to hug. “I wish I could fix this for us.”
“Me too,” Lucifer hiccupped. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s no one’s fault, darling. It’s nothing more than an unfortunate circumstance. You did everything you could.”

Alastor got to his feet and, after helping Lucifer dry off properly, carried him to the bed.

“Can I get you anything?” he asked while tucking him in.
Lucifer shook his head. “No thanks.”
“Would you like me to lay down with you?”
“If you want.”

Stripping down to be naked as well, Alastor joined him under the covers and nestled against him. The feeling of his skin touching Lucifer’s was just as comforting as he hoped it would be, and he absentmindedly began tracing patterns on the fallen angel’s chest and stomach; he was careful not to venture too low and potentially agitate the still healing, lengthy incision scar below his navel. He closed his eyes and practically purred like a content cat at the sensation of Lucifer’s fingers gently massaging his scalp and petting his hair.

“Lucifer?” he dared to ask after several minutes of quiet.
“Mmhm?” was the sleepy reply.

Alastor hesitated, unsure if now was a good time to do this. Lucifer was clearly tired and hadn’t shown much interest in the welfare of their daughter since holding her the one and only time while at the hospital. Nevertheless, he had to know once and for all.

“Do you think her soul made it to Heaven?”

The petting stopped, as did Lucifer’s breathing for a brief moment. Alastor hoped an outburst wasn’t right around the corner.

Unbeknownst to him, Lucifer was wracking his brain for a way to gracefully explain the harsh reality. He could feel his own throat closing up as the painful emotions threatened to consume him. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. But Alastor asked, and he couldn’t bring himself to lie.

“She’s not there,” he finally said, his voice small and defeated.
Alastor, not understanding the implication, questioned, “She’s here, then? We can find her-”
“She’s not here either. She’s gone, Al. She ceased to exist at all.” There wasn’t a response, and Lucifer knew Alastor was slowly beginning to understand. “Just like Charlie,” he went on, “my sin prevents her from ever entering the kingdom of Heaven. And because she’s a Hellborn….she doesn’t get another afterlife. She’s gone…forever.”

The stillness and silence that settled into the room felt stifling. If he’d had the energy, Lucifer would’ve seriously contemplated getting up and leaving altogether. He suddenly couldn’t stand Alastor being so close to him. Couldn’t hold the weight of excruciating grief emanating from the other demon.

Most of all, he couldn’t bear the sound of Alastor’s soft, erratic breathing that gave away the fact he was crying.

****
It was the middle of the night, and Lucifer woke up to find himself alone. In all honesty, he was relieved Alastor was gone, but he was also curious about where he’d gone to.

Using much of his strength, he got up from the bed and reached out his hand for his cane. It came to him quickly, a t-shirt and boxers clothed him in an instant, and he made his way out of the room and down the hallway; he had a hunch Alastor put the crib in the adjacent room, much to his displeasure. Sure enough, he spotted the crib from the doorway, along with Alastor sleeping on his side on the bed in only his boxers and cuddling Elsie to his chest. She was dressed in a red onesie, the one he assumed was made by Niffty, and all at once, he felt tremendous anger. He hated that this child was in his home. He hated the sight of Alastor holding her.

He hated Alastor.

He walked to the other wing of the house where Charlie’s old bedroom was, took a seat on the bed, and glanced at the framed picture of him, Lilith, and Charlie on the nightstand. They were all smiling, the epitome of a happy family….

A choked sob escaped him before he could catch himself.

He picked up the photo and clutched it to his chest as tears flowed down his cheeks.

He knew what pain was. He knew what it was to lose everything.

The loss of a child was proving to be beyond his comprehension.

Notes:

I've been having really low motivation to write anything, and I think it's because I'm just stuck between two really depressing fics (this one and my other HH one), and it gets really heavy 😔 I'm sorry for the long waits on both of them. Trying to tell myself not to overcomplicate them.

Having Lucifer turn off that part of him that feels emotion and attachment is so sad 😭